hUMOR For May 31st

Solving the Problem

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Acronyms and What They Mean

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing

SCSI System Can't See It

DOS Defunct Operating System

BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM I Blame Microsoft

DEC Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Scary Lion

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.

The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"

The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Paying the Bill

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Good News, Bad News

An old man visits his doctor and, after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news. What would you like to hear first?"

The patient answers, "Well, give me the bad news first."

"You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left," the doctor says.

"That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over!" the patient cried. "What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"

The doctor says, "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Tennis Ball Lesson"

A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall each morning, removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day. . . .

A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor never missed a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball. . . No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Man tracked down for 51-cent tax bill

BRIGHTON, Mich. (UPI) -- A Michigan doctor says he found it funny the city of Brighton sent him a "final notice and demand of payment" for 51 cents in property taxes.

Dr. Phil Kazanji said he chuckled at a notice from the city that said legal action would be taken against him if he didn't fork over 51 cents in delinquent taxes.

"This is the most ridiculous thing a government agency would do," Kazanji told the Livingston County (Mich.) Daily Press & Argus.

Kazanji added that the city actually lost money by spending $5.21 to mail the certified letter.

Brighton officials said they are required by law to fine delinquent tax payers, regardless of the amount they owe.

"No matter how small, we can't ignore it or waive it," city finance director Dave Gajda said. "It doesn't matter how much we spend to collect (delinquent taxes), we have to collect it."

///

Cussing N.Y. cabbie fined $1,000

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York cab driver says he was ordered to take 30 days off work and fined $1,000 for allegedly dropping the F-bomb when another cabbie cut him off.

Zbigniew Sobczak was found guilty of verbal harassment for allegedly cursing at fellow driver Malik Rizwan during a confrontation between the two on the road, the New York Post reported Wednesday.

"What the (expletive)? You have problem? Why you beeping?" Sobczak is accused of saying.

It is reported Rizwan responded with "You (expletive)! You go in your car."

Since neither cabbie was transporting a passenger at the time, they were at liberty to let the expletives fly, the Post said.

The Post said Rizwan notified authorities after he and Sobczak got into two additional squabbles that day.

///

Flashing lights pay off for transit agency

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Los Angeles' public transit system has started a new phase in advertising by installing LED lights in the subway that play short videos as trains rush past.

Some passengers were surprised and even offended when they saw 15-second commercials playing outside the windows of their subway train as they passed through a tunnel Tuesday, the Los Angeles Times reported.

"It's intrusive to me. If I want to see that, I'll turn on the TV or pick up a newspaper," actress Roberta Richey said.

City officials have said the ads are a good way for the transit agency to supplement a strapped budget and many passengers actually enjoy watching the LED lights whiz by to create the image of a moving video.

"We were, like, freaking out. We were saying 'What are they going to think of next?'" filmmaker Ray Mann said.

///

Hopeful buyers camp out for new homes

MESA, Ariz. (UPI) -- Some aspiring homeowners say they are camping out under a tent to keep their places in line for a shot at buying a home in northeast Mesa, Ariz.

About a dozen hopefuls plan on sticking it out until Saturday morning when a developer releases 75 Blandford Homes in the highly coveted desert location, the Arizona Sun reported Tuesday.

"This is a great way to meet your neighbors," said Rosemary Ruiz, who wants to live in Mountain Bridge because of its beautiful surroundings and ideal location.

The Sun said the homes are priced from $239,950 to $790,950 and are part of a 1,200-home major development plan.

"This is huge, but we knew from when we first opened the welcome center we had something that was bucking the trend," development spokeswoman Joannie Flatt said. "The latent demand for homes in Mountain Bridge is quite likely huge."

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25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth

1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's

wrong with you people..."

2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth

class" for ladies 70 and above.

3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the

floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"

4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of

Daniel.

5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used

during the invitation time.

6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars

going the wrong way before Sunday school.

7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about

all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).

8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at

the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about

5' 8 1/2")

9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir

room year 'round.

10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is

met, everyone will kiss the pig!

11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give

every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.

12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.

13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from

the septic tank.

14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of

Larry, Moe, and Curly.

15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.

16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information

forms.

17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.

18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult

excursions.

19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the

pulpit each Sunday.

20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments

of the sermon.

21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply

closet.

22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader

scream, "Show me the money!"

23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.

24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with

scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."

25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.

Written by Matt Tullos.

hUMOR For May 30th

Passport Photo

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I
handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I
sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine

started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic

little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's

funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly,

"It wasn't opportunity."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Irish Alzheimer's
Making atonement for a broken commandment...

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?”

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, “No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Great Price

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady s house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Serving Lawyers

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Domain Names

Recently Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating specialdomains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon.

But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from the sites in them..

".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner

".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company

".love"--for people who would rather cuddle

".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines

".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean

".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996

".y2k"--contains theories about the end of the world

".burn"--huge multimedia files will crash your computer

".*"--contains gossip about celebrity melt downs

".duh"--explains, in detail, stuff you already know

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cheaper Alternative

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so? How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Married 25 Years

When a man was married 25 years, he took a look at his wife

one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap rented

house and a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a

19-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night

with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

"Now we have an $800,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice bed,

and a plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a

50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding

up your side of things."

His wife, being a very reasonable woman, told him to go out

and find a hot 25-year-old blonde and she would make sure

that he would once again be living in a cheap rented house,

driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a

19-inch black-and-white TV, if he was lucky.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

'Gas can' turns out to hold orange juice

MELBOURNE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Melbourne, Fla., went after a man seen heading into the woods Tuesday with a gas can that proved to hold only orange juice.

A passerby reported the sighting and told police the man was carrying a 5-gallon can of gas, Florida Today reported. Police went looking for the man, found him and discovered the container's contents were not combustible.

Police in the area are nervous about brush fires and the possibility of arson. At least nine were burning in Palm Bay, just southwest of Melbourne. Investigators believe they were deliberately set.

///

'Rickroll' prank comes to Baltimore

BALTIMORE (UPI) -- Almost 50 people sang the lyrics of British pop star Rick Astley in Baltimore during the weekend as part of a "rickroll" prank, fans say.

Fans either sing or redirect Internet browsers to recognize Astley's 1980s hit song, "Never Gonna Give You Up." The Baltimore Sun said Sunday.

"I'm in love with this song," said Ryan Goff, who organized the "rickroll" event Saturday at the city's Inner Harbor. "I thought I'd be absolutely sick of it, but I like it more. I'm working on singing it backward."

Traditionally a "rickroll" takes place online when unsuspecting browsers click on a serious-sounding link only to watch a video of Astley singing his hit.

For Goff, and others like him, the online bit was not enough. Soon Astley fans were taking to the streets to share their love of the pop star with strangers, the Sun reported.

"It's grass roots; you've got to make the best of it," Goff said. "It's all in the spirit of Rick."

///

Scientists probe odd Greenland sharks

DARTMOUTH, Nova Scotia (UPI) -- Canadian scientists are waging a research campaign on Greenland sharks, which are almost opposite of any other shark and described as "very, very strange."

Steve Campana of the Bedford Institute of Oceanography in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, and Aaron Fisk of the University of Windsor, Ontario, traveled to the Arctic in April to tag and release the sharks, the Ottawa Citizen reported.

Among the few things known about the Greenland shark is that it has almost no spine, is slow-moving and lethargic and its mouth is far under its body, Campana said. Researchers learned from local Inuit aboriginal people its meat is poisonous, the report said.

"These are very, very strange sharks," Campana said. "They are really the antithesis to the fast-swimming great white and mako (sharks)."

He said they can grow to 30 feet in length, and also have hundreds of razor-sharp teeth as seen when researchers found dead sharks and opened their stomachs.

"Every single one was jam-packed with food. A lot of it was large fish" but he said there were also baby seals.

///

Australian safety official loses license

SYDNEY (UPI) -- The minister in charge of road safety in the Australian state of New South Wales announced Tuesday his license is about to be suspended for speeding.

John Della Bosca, the state education minister, told reporters he did not try to bury the news by making the announcement on the same day as the release of the federal budget, The Sydney Morning Herald reported. He admitted he is a serial offender who was put over the limit for revocation in late April when he was clocked coming out of a tunnel at more than 10 mph over the posted limit.

He acknowledged he only told the Roads and Traffic Authority on Tuesday that he was the driver of the offending car. Della Bosca is also industrial relations minister, which puts him in charge of the motor accidents authority.

Barry O'Farrell, the opposition leader in New South Wales, lampooned Della Bosca at a news conference Tuesday by raising his pinky finger in front of reporters. The gesture is used in a road safety commercial to suggest that men who violate traffic rules are not well endowed.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Interesting Product Ideas

Porsche is working on a hybrid SUV. A hybrid SUV with the Porsche name. Perfect for a man in his midlife crisis who is married to a soccer mom.

A Porsche hybrid SUV sounds as marketable as a Hummer moped.

hUMOR For May 30th

Passport Photo

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I
handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I
sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine

started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic

little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's

funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly,

"It wasn't opportunity."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Irish Alzheimer's
Making atonement for a broken commandment...

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?”

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, “No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Great Price

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady s house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Serving Lawyers

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Domain Names

Recently Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating specialdomains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon.

But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from the sites in them..

".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner

".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company

".love"--for people who would rather cuddle

".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines

".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean

".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996

".y2k"--contains theories about the end of the world

".burn"--huge multimedia files will crash your computer

".*"--contains gossip about celebrity melt downs

".duh"--explains, in detail, stuff you already know

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cheaper Alternative

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so? How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Married 25 Years

When a man was married 25 years, he took a look at his wife

one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap rented

house and a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a

19-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night

with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

"Now we have an $800,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice bed,

and a plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a

50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding

up your side of things."

His wife, being a very reasonable woman, told him to go out

and find a hot 25-year-old blonde and she would make sure

that he would once again be living in a cheap rented house,

driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a

19-inch black-and-white TV, if he was lucky.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

'Gas can' turns out to hold orange juice

MELBOURNE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Melbourne, Fla., went after a man seen heading into the woods Tuesday with a gas can that proved to hold only orange juice.

A passerby reported the sighting and told police the man was carrying a 5-gallon can of gas, Florida Today reported. Police went looking for the man, found him and discovered the container's contents were not combustible.

Police in the area are nervous about brush fires and the possibility of arson. At least nine were burning in Palm Bay, just southwest of Melbourne. Investigators believe they were deliberately set.

///

'Rickroll' prank comes to Baltimore

BALTIMORE (UPI) -- Almost 50 people sang the lyrics of British pop star Rick Astley in Baltimore during the weekend as part of a "rickroll" prank, fans say.

Fans either sing or redirect Internet browsers to recognize Astley's 1980s hit song, "Never Gonna Give You Up." The Baltimore Sun said Sunday.

"I'm in love with this song," said Ryan Goff, who organized the "rickroll" event Saturday at the city's Inner Harbor. "I thought I'd be absolutely sick of it, but I like it more. I'm working on singing it backward."

Traditionally a "rickroll" takes place online when unsuspecting browsers click on a serious-sounding link only to watch a video of Astley singing his hit.

For Goff, and others like him, the online bit was not enough. Soon Astley fans were taking to the streets to share their love of the pop star with strangers, the Sun reported.

"It's grass roots; you've got to make the best of it," Goff said. "It's all in the spirit of Rick."

///

Scientists probe odd Greenland sharks

DARTMOUTH, Nova Scotia (UPI) -- Canadian scientists are waging a research campaign on Greenland sharks, which are almost opposite of any other shark and described as "very, very strange."

Steve Campana of the Bedford Institute of Oceanography in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, and Aaron Fisk of the University of Windsor, Ontario, traveled to the Arctic in April to tag and release the sharks, the Ottawa Citizen reported.

Among the few things known about the Greenland shark is that it has almost no spine, is slow-moving and lethargic and its mouth is far under its body, Campana said. Researchers learned from local Inuit aboriginal people its meat is poisonous, the report said.

"These are very, very strange sharks," Campana said. "They are really the antithesis to the fast-swimming great white and mako (sharks)."

He said they can grow to 30 feet in length, and also have hundreds of razor-sharp teeth as seen when researchers found dead sharks and opened their stomachs.

"Every single one was jam-packed with food. A lot of it was large fish" but he said there were also baby seals.

///

Australian safety official loses license

SYDNEY (UPI) -- The minister in charge of road safety in the Australian state of New South Wales announced Tuesday his license is about to be suspended for speeding.

John Della Bosca, the state education minister, told reporters he did not try to bury the news by making the announcement on the same day as the release of the federal budget, The Sydney Morning Herald reported. He admitted he is a serial offender who was put over the limit for revocation in late April when he was clocked coming out of a tunnel at more than 10 mph over the posted limit.

He acknowledged he only told the Roads and Traffic Authority on Tuesday that he was the driver of the offending car. Della Bosca is also industrial relations minister, which puts him in charge of the motor accidents authority.

Barry O'Farrell, the opposition leader in New South Wales, lampooned Della Bosca at a news conference Tuesday by raising his pinky finger in front of reporters. The gesture is used in a road safety commercial to suggest that men who violate traffic rules are not well endowed.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Interesting Product Ideas

Porsche is working on a hybrid SUV. A hybrid SUV with the Porsche name. Perfect for a man in his midlife crisis who is married to a soccer mom.

A Porsche hybrid SUV sounds as marketable as a Hummer moped.

hUMOR For May 29th

A Difficult Question

There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was
to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview
progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he
could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got
impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice? I
shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think
well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real
difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man
on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's
the DAY, sir."

Thinking to himself ("At last, I got you!"), the interviewer smiled
and said, "How???"

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you would ask me ONLY ONE difficult
question!"

The student was admitted to the University.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Caution

A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day

they were discussing the various labels affixed to

prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and

"Take with water."

At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample

labels.

Days later he noticed that one member of the class had

struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook. It read:

"Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Students have fun on mega-scavenger hunt

CHICAGO (UPI) -- Participants in the 22nd annual University of Chicago scavenger hunt said they had a great time traveling as far as Las Vegas to compete in the wacky event.

The event, deemed "the world's largest scavenger hunt," ended Sunday, allowing nine teams to relax after four days of searching for unusual items and completing bizarre tasks at the drop of a hat, the Chicago Tribune reported.

"There's a lot of brain power going into academic problems. This allows us to take another kind of brain power and put it into frivolous, trivial but completely enjoyable tasks," said David Pisano, a 21-year-old senior.

This year's hunt even involved flying a group of students to Las Vegas to seek out "D" list celebrities and photograph themselves with beauties competing in the Miss Hawaiian Tropic International Model Search Swimsuit Competition.

"They're international swimsuit contestants. I had no complaints," Pisano said.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

British pet psychic helps find lost dog

LONDON (UPI) -- A British woman said her missing Jack Russell terrier was excited to return home after a psychic used supernatural methods to pinpoint his location.

Nikki Newcombe, 35, was relieved to have her dog, Marmite, return home after he spent a week stranded in a hole, the Mirror reported.

Newcombe went to Pea Horsley, a London woman who says she has psychic abilities, for help after having no luck finding the lost pooch on her own.

Horsley used her abilities to tell Newcombe about landmarks the dog traveled past before falling into the hole, the Mirror said.

Sure enough, Newcombe took Horsley's advice and found Marmite barking from a hole in the ground.

"It's one of the quickest I've found," Horsley said.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Man cuts car in half to make a point

TREDWORTH, England (UPI) -- An outraged British man said he sawed his son's car in half after local authorities clamped it for no reason.

Ian Taylor, 40 of Tredworth, England, said he was so upset to find his son's Ford Fiesta was impounded, he was prompted to use a power disc cutter to chop it in half to stand up for his beliefs, the Sun reported Monday.

Taylor said the car was registered to be parked off the street, but the clamper nailed him because two inches of the back end was sticking out of the driveway.

"I had to make a point. The vehicle was totally legal where it was. It was a drastic step but I stand by my decision," Taylor said.

Taylor said he told the clampers they could take the back end of the car because it was the section that violated the rules.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Confessions

To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a husband booked a round of golf for his wife and himself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course in Scotland.

On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on his wife's clubs.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar...you cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees?!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Off-Duty

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets--each for not wearing a seat belt.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

In Love

A man sitting at the window one evening casually called to his wife, "There's that woman that the guy next door is in love with!"

His wife, in the kitchen, dropped the plate she was drying, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase, and looked out the window. "Where? Where?" she demanded.

"Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress."

"You idiot! That's his wife!"

"Yes, I know," the husband grinned.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted

but getting what you have, which once you got it you may be

smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you

known." --Garrison Keillor

***

"Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any

moment." --Ira Gassen

***

"Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I

have tested it." --Mark Twain

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement

home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said

Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use

the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little

humor to the occasion."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine

started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic

little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's

funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly,

"It wasn't opportunity."

hUMOR For May 28th

When Snails Attack

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Banged Up

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out.

"I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Three Questions

A man calls his lawyer and asks: How much would you charge me to answer three questions?

LAWYER: Four Hundred Dollars

MAN: That's a bit steep don't you think?

LAWYER: I suppose...What's you third question?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Good Advice

A man approached a local person in a village he was

visiting.

"What's the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Teaching Applicant

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: 'Let me see If I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this And then you tell me....

I CAN'T PRAY?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Jose and Carlos are Panhandlers.

They panhandle on different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2 to $3 dollars
every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in
a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move
back to Mexico."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down
and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts, 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben
dahin gesheissen.' Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows s--t in it'.)

The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you.

I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of

Islam, speak to me in English.'

The Amish farmer replies, 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it –

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Restroom Use Policy"

FROM: Human Resources Department
SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"Anarchy is better than no government at all."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Cabbies"

A cabbie is a fare-minded person.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Doctor's Orders”

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"Less? Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."

hUMOR For May 28th

When Snails Attack

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Banged Up

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out.

"I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Three Questions

A man calls his lawyer and asks: How much would you charge me to answer three questions?

LAWYER: Four Hundred Dollars

MAN: That's a bit steep don't you think?

LAWYER: I suppose...What's you third question?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Good Advice

A man approached a local person in a village he was

visiting.

"What's the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Teaching Applicant

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: 'Let me see If I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this And then you tell me....

I CAN'T PRAY?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Jose and Carlos are Panhandlers.

They panhandle on different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2 to $3 dollars
every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in
a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move
back to Mexico."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down
and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts, 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben
dahin gesheissen.' Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows s--t in it'.)

The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you.

I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of

Islam, speak to me in English.'

The Amish farmer replies, 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it –

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Restroom Use Policy"

FROM: Human Resources Department
SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"Anarchy is better than no government at all."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Cabbies"

A cabbie is a fare-minded person.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Doctor's Orders”

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"Less? Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."