hUMOR For March 31st

Failing Grade

Vernie walked up to his teacher s desk, holding a report card with a big red F.

"If I were you," said Vernie, "I would change this while you still can."

"Why is that?" asked the teacher.

"Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Darryl and Harold

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "Yes" and the doctor proceeded. "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Darryl said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I d be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl s hand, and told him he was free to go.

On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Harold answered."

"Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Smart Thinking

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but the plaintiff's lawyer sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Remember these days? I do!

THE BASIC RULES

1. You had to wash the clothes line before hanging any clothes.

Walk the length of each line with a damp cloth around the line.

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order and always hang

whites with whites and hang them first.

3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders, always by the tail.

What would the neighbors think?

4. Wash day on a Monday...........never hang clothes on the weekend or Sunday for heaven's sake!

5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your 'unmentionables' in the middle.

6. It didn't matter if it was sub zero weather.............clothes would 'freeze dry.'

7. Always gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes. Pins left on the line was 'tacky'.

8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the clothes pins with the next washed item.

9. Clothes off of the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket and ready to be ironed.

10. IRONED?????????? Well, that's a whole other subject.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A POEM

A clothes line was a news forecast

To neighbors passing by.

There were no secrets you could keep

When clothes were hung to dry.



It also was a friendly link

For neighbors always knew

If company had stopped on by

To spend a night or two.


For then you'd see the "fancy sheets"

And towels upon the line;

You'd see the "company table cloths"

With intricate design.


The line announced a baby's birth

To folks who lived inside

As brand new infant clothes were hung

So carefully with pride.


The ages of the children could

So readily be known

By watching how the sizes changed

You'd know how much they'd grown.


It also told when illness struck,

As extra sheets were hung;

Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,

Haphazardly were strung.


It said, "Gone on vacation now"

When lines hung limp and bare.

It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged

With not an inch to spare.


New folks in town were scorned upon

If wash was dingy gray,

As neighbors carefully raised their brows,

And looked the other way..


But clotheslines now are of the past

For dryers make work less.

Now what goes on inside a home

Is anybody's guess.


I really miss that way of life.

It was a friendly sign

When neighbors knew each other best

By what hung on the line!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cheap and nasty

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $250.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $130.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $50.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap and nasty."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Burglarized

Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized.

After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Jamie ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Incredulous, Jamie moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?"

"They send me a BLIND policeman!"

hUMOR For March 30th

Sensitive Men

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Politically Speaking

"My uncle ran for Senate last year."

"Really? What does he do now?"

"Nothing. He got elected."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Good Investment

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Hillary Clinton is coming under fire for claiming she was

under fire while she was in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing

her Kevlar pantsuit at the time." -Jay Leno

***

"Ringling Bros. Circus is in Madison Square Garden, but I

don't think I'm going to the circus this year; if I want

to see clowns at Madison Square Garden, I'll go to a Knicks

game." -David Letterman

***

"Some kids found what might be D.B. Cooper's parachute. He's

wanted by the FBI for stealing $200,000. MC Hammer called

the kids; he said he wants his pants back." -Craig Ferguson

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of

Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know,

the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first

man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on

the moon was from Ohio."

"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio,"

he observed.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder

with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal

experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates

my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm

tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered

to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Perfect Man
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman...

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star - and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Air-To-Ground Speeding Ticket
Latest California radar detection system...

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar, California. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset, and then it turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:


Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

It's All in the Drawl

A student from a southern university was visiting a relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a party and met a pretty co-ed. He attempted to start up a conversation with the line, "Where do y'all go to school, li'l lady?"

The co-ed was not impressed with his grammar or drawl, but answered anyway, "Yale."

The good ol' southern boy took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO Y'ALL GO TO SCHOOL!?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Worst Horse Ever"

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse an sharp thwap on the shoulder.

Nothing.

He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.

Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"I think there is insanity in my family - they keep asking me for money."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Tickled"

I'm tickled to be the chairman of the Society for People with Super-Sensitive Feet.

hUMOR For March 29th

Amazing Discovery

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Excuses, excuses, excuses

The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.

- Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

- Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

- Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.

- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

- I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

- Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Pied Piper

A man was looking around a small gift shop when he came across an amazingly ugly statue of a rat. As he was staring at this statue, the shopkeeper came up to him and began to speak.

"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your interest in the statue. It's only five dollars, sir, but the story behind it will cost you fifty." The man turned back around and looked in shock.

"Let me get this straight. If I buy the statue and the story behind it, I'll be paying fifty-five dollars. But if I can bear to live without the story, I'll only pay five?" The Shopkeeper grinned and nodded. Not believing what a bargain he'd got, the man quickly paid and walked out of the store.

A few moments later, he noticed that a lone rat was following him. He shrugged, and ignored the rodent, hoping it would leave. When he looked back again, some five minutes later, he saw that the number of rodents had grown to maybe fifty rats. A little nervous, he turned back to his path and continued walking.

When he looked around the third time, he saw thousands of rats following him. Horribly frightened, the man rushed to a dock overlooking the ocean and threw the statue as far out to sea as he possibly could. The rats followed the statue, sinking into the waves like stones.

The man then rushed back to the shop, elated, panicked, and still in shock. When he burst through the door, the shopkeeper gave a little chuckle. He had a smug grin on his face as he said, "I expect you've come back to buy the story." The shopkeeper held out his hand for the fifty dollars.

The customer looked confused for a second, then said. "Heck no! I wanna know if you've got a statue of a politician!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Did They Mean to Say That

- On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."

- In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."

- In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

- In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention center."

- In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."

- On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

- On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

- At a number of military bases: "Restraicted to unauthorized personnel."

- In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."

- On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

- In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."

- In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan.

- On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fast Food

A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes. "I'll have a 'jumbo jet,'" he said. When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway. He called his waiter over.

"Are you sure that was the 'jumbo jet?'" he asked.

"Yeah," the waiter answered. "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Child of the 80's

Are you a child of the 80's? If you exhibit any of the following, you
probably are:

"You might be a child of the 80's if..."

1. You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird Al" Yankovic song.

2. A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid."

3. The three words, "Atari," "IntelliVision" and "Coleco" all sound familiar.

4. You remember when hooking your computer into your television was
the only way to use it.

5. You still occasionally hum a Debbie Gibson tune.

6. You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.

7. You remember when they actually played videos on MTV.

8. At one time, your hair became something that could only be
described as, "I was experimenting."

9. You see teenagers today wearing the same clothes you wore at that
age and they still look bad.

10. One of your biggest regrets was not being able to participate in the 60's.

11. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate
plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999"
by Prince over and over again.

12. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.

13. Although you hate to admit it, you just don't understand half the
lingo that today's kids use.

14. You knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the
Fire," but it didn't hold any meaning for you until the third verse.

15. You can remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T
involve 19,000 selections to choose from.

16. Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to
irritate you by calling you "Sir" or "Ma'am."

17. You're starting to realize that getting carded while buying
alcohol is a good thing.

18. You know who shot J.R.

19. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in a Madonna, Duran
Duran or Cyndi Lauper video.

20. There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily
went by the names of "Skip," "Buffy," "Muffy," or "Dexter."

21. You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding on General Hospital.

22. The phrase, "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

23. You remember thinking the special effects in the movie "Tron"
were the best ever.

24. You're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and
aren't really for someone going through a mid-life crisis.

25. Finally, this rings a bell: "...and my name is Charlie. They work for me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Snow Parking

Harry and Martha were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Harry got up from his coffee and replied "Well, okay."

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their morning cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

Harry got up from his coffee and replied, "Well, okay."

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went off and Harry didn't get the rest of the instructions. He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now, Martha?"

hUMOR For March 28th

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies,

"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot


"OLD" IS WHEN . A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door


"OLD" IS WHEN . Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


"OLD" IS WHEN . You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along

"OLD" IS WHEN . You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police


"OLD" IS WHEN ."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today


"OLD" IS WHEN . "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.


"OLD" IS WHEN . An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN . You are not sure these are jokes?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Origin Of The Species

Little Phillip asked his mother, "How did the human race come about?"

Schar answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later he asked his father, Dan, the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused Phil returns to his mother and says:

"Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

Schar answers: "Well dear, it's very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Danny's mother looked out the window and noticed

him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat

sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.

She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing

and ran back to the open window to see Danny

baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Danny, stop that! The cat is afraid

of water!"

Danny looked up at her and said, "He should have

thought about that before he joined my church."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Serious "Medical" Condition

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Wallet Tip"

Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him.

Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

When I had my 50th birthday my husband said to me "I should trade you in for two 25 year olds." I replied "Thank you for the compliment." With a stunned look on his face, he said "HUH?" I responded "You are telling me it would take two women half my age to accomplish what I do."
- Roberta Gleason

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Speedy Plumber

A lady answers her front door to find a plumber standing there.

"I'm here to fix the leaky pipe."

"I didn't call a plumber."

"Aren't you Mrs. Snyder?"

"The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago."

"How do you like that! They call you up and tell you it's an
emergency and then they move away!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Air Traffic (out of) Control

During a taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.

Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a

United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed

out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are

you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way;

you turned right on 'Delta.' Stop right there. I know it's

difficult to tell the difference between a C and a D, but

get it right."

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now

shouting hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll

take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and

don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive

taxi instructions in about a half hour, and I want you to go

exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell

you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly

silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and

asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an

energy drink. It's for people who get tired while waiting

in line at Starbucks." --Conan O'Brien

***

"It's time to pay your income tax. My accountant wants me

to move the show to the Cayman Islands." -David Letterman

***

"John McCain is in Iraq this week. He said his goal as

president would be to introduce the Iraqi people to the

concept of the early bird special." -Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window

and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I

also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much

money."

I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a

dollar bill back."

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat

my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and

said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing."

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in

change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a

kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant,

a spleen transplant, a pancreas transplant..."

"What on Earth makes you think you need all those?"

"Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I want to keep

my job I needed to get reorganized."

hUMOR For March 27th

The big San Francisco earthquake occurred on April 18, 1906.

The accompanying fire caused more than 500 deaths. It was

the worst earthquake disaster in U. S. history as well as

the deadliest urban fire. A few years ago, when the big quake

hit the Los Angeles area, part of the damage included the

totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who had driven in

from out of state.

When he put in the claim to his insurance company, they re-

jected it. When asked why the claim was not covered, the

Insurance company said it was because the tourist had a no-

fault policy. Angry about the insurance company's decision,

the policyholder tried to start a citizen's organization to

fight this kind of rip-off from happening again. He called

it the San Andreas Fund.

However nothing came of it. Hardly anyone would contribute

to aid the fund in its efforts. The general feeling was that

charity is one thing, but this was being generous to a fault.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington DC."

On being asked what the 'DC' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Lost Cell Phone

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through
his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed the "call" button. His
mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

First Liberty

My fiance had been sent to basic training in the Coast Guard

at Cape May, N.J., soon after our engagement, so I visited

him when he was given his first liberty. That evening we had

a wonderful, quiet dinner, and then we took a romantic,

moonlit walk toward the ocean. But at the sidewalk's end, he

stopped.

"Let's go down to the water," I suggested.

"What?" he replied. "And have the sand ruin the shine on my

shoes?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Most Wanted

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Signs of the Times

- At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."

- At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

- In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."

- In an New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

- In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm! Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."

- On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

- On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law -- Sisters of Mercy"

- On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

- In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

- On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."

- In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed!"

- In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Excuses, excuses

The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.

- My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

- Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

- Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

- Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

- Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

- Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.

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Letter of the Law

On October 13, 1944, the Durham N. C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having parked his car on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping."

Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law. Brandishing a Webster's dictionary, he noted that stoping means:

"Extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground."

"Your Honor", said the man, "I am a law-abiding citizen and I didn't extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed."

Acknowledging that the defendant hadn't done any illegal mining, the judge declared the man not guilty and commented, "Since this is Friday, the 13th, anything can happen, so I'll turn you loose."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Why does everybody dye food green on St. Patrick's Day?

Green doughnuts, green cookies, green bagels. We won't eat

any real food that's green — spinach, broccoli, lettuce —

but dye a Cinnabon green..." -Jay Leno

***

"Your talk talks and your walk talks, but your walk talks

louder than your talk talks." -John Maxwell

***

"I have just two superstitions. One, don't call someone a

bad name if they have a loaded pistol. Two, don't call your

girl friend Tina if her name is Vivian."

--Basketball player George Underwood

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I went into the restaurant next to the office and ordered

a tuna on wheat. The waitress said, "Oh, I'm sorry, we're

out of wheat bread. You’ll have to have it on white."

The next day I went to the same place and ordered the same

tuna on wheat. Again she told me they were out of wheat,

I’d have to get it on white.

The third time I went there I decided to skip the step of

being refused the wheat and just ordered tuna on white. The

waitress looked up from her notepad and said, "Aren't you

the guy who usually orders it on wheat?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are

going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of

water?"

"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."

"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Two bowling teams, one the Blonde Bombers, and one the Dapper Deans, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Detroit Lakes, MN. The Deans rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde Bombers team rode on the top level.

The Deans down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized he hadn't heard anything from the Blonde Bombers upstairs. He decided to go up and investigate.

When the Dean reached the top, he found all the Blonde Bombers frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. Dean asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blonde Bombers looked up at him, swallowed hard and whimpered ... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!'

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

hUMOR For March 26th

Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
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2. Most people, after reading the first truth, will try it.
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3. The first truth is a lie.
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4. You're smiling now because you tried it.
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5. You will soon forward this to someone else.
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6. There's still a smile on your face.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Harvest

Every year, spring enticed me with visions of succulent

harvests. Yet the Army seemed to have no sympathy for my

gardening attempts. Each year I planted my garden, but by

the time it broke ground, I was uprooted.

Then I received word that I was to be transferred to Fort

Huachuca, Ariz. Away from family, friends, and familiar

surroundings, I felt as desolate as the desert scenery. But

when I entered my quarters, I discovered that the entire

22-foot length of one wall was floor- to-ceiling glass,

perfect for a greenhouse. Taped to one corner was this note

from the former occupant:

"Outside this window are nine scraggly plants. Right now

they look like weeds, but soon they will be full of

tomatoes. Since I can't be here to care for them, I'm hoping

you might do it.

"Enjoy the tomatoes for me!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ice Cream Murder

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

"It looks like he's topped himself"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Signs That Things are Weird

- In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

- In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"

- On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."

- In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."

- Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

- On a North Carolina highway: "EAT -- 300 FEET"

- On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."

- On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."

- On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."

- In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."

- In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

- In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."

- In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."

- In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."

- In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."

- On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Excuse Me!

The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.

- Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.

- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.

- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.

- Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

- Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.

- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Give it Up

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.

The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day in Washington.

President Bush was a little confused. He came out onto

the White House lawn and pardoned the corn beef."

-Dave Letterman

***

"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will

be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person

on the bottom." -Jay Leno

***

"Disney announced that they're banning smoking from all their

movies. Which means they won't be buying the scripts I wrote.

I wrote a script for Disney called 'Smoke-ahontas'. And

another one, the follow-up, 'Cigarella.'" -Craig Ferguson

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in

particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots

something of interest. A book with a very interesting

title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."

So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1 The First Date."

He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes

out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out

for quite a while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She

answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would

want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He

gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she

didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9:00, do you think you'll be

finished eating by then?"