No good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the
roof on my father's shed. I was about halfway done when I
slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all
over my shirt, my pants, even my hair. Hearing the thud,
Dad looked up. "What happened?"
I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet
shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a
second time.
"You know," Dad said dryly, "you could have just told me."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Why God made MomsBRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!Why did God make mothers?1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.2. Mostly to clean the house.3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.How did God make mothers?1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.What ingredients are mothers made of?1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?1. We're related2 God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.What kind of little girl was your mom?1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.3. They say she used to be nice.What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?1. His last name.2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?Why did your mom marry your dad?1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.2. She got too old to do anything else with him.3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.Who's the boss at your house?1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.What's the difference between moms & dads?1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.What does your mom do in her spare time?1. Mothers don't do spare time.2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.What would it take to make your mom perfect?1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Christmas Story
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents. As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! "And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Momma said ...
I was nearing the final stages of my college preparation to become an elementary school teacher. During my Junior Year we were required to visit several classrooms of varying grades to get a feel for what we were getting ourselves into. Males in elementary education are a rarity and I soon learned that the children thought it was really neat to see a male at school that was not the principal. I will never forget my first visit to a kindergarten class room. These little tots were dying to ask me questions and tell me things about themselves. One little boy raised his hand and I went over to him. He VERY seriously said, "My granddaddy is going to kill himself." Caught COMPLETELY off guard, I struggled for what to say to him. I finally managed, "I'm sure he's not gonna kill himself." He replied, "Oh yes he is...Momma said if he doesn't quit lifting things that are too heavy, he's gonna kill himself."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Night Before Christmas (Legal Style)
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did
occur at a certain improved piece of real property
(hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all
creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., had
been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the
hope and/or belief that St. Nick aka St. Nicholas aka Santa
Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime
thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the
aforementioned House were located in their individual beds
and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams,
wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not
limited to, candies, nuts, and/or sugar plums, did dance,
cavort, and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of
the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter
"Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period
of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various
forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did
occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and
appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain
disruption of unknown nature, cause, and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window
in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with
some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh
(hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very
rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.
The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was,
the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction,
and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and
specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and
Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and
belief, it is further asserted that an additional
co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle,
and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the
roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the
vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was
heavily laden with packages, toys, and other items of
unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation
or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle
arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the
chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially
covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a
large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned
packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what
appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation
of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the
stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the
chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did
not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to
the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his
nose and flew, rose, and/or ascended up the chimney of the
House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or
served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an
unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer, and
Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear
Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to
all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
"Potato Problem"
Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.
"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen."
After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the potatoes first?"
To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Illustration - "Apprehension" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As a new employee for a discount brokerage firm, I went for a month of classroom training. Warning us about the volume of information we were required to memorize, one trainer suggested we make lots of notes on file cards.
When I completed the course, I was assigned to a team where, as suggested, I taped all the file cards, crammed with notes, onto my computer.
On my first day of trading, a veteran broker sat with me. He immediately noticed all the cards, and my apprehension, so he promptly made up a new card, which he taped to my computer.
It read "Breathe."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Here's an interesting bit of news. I recently picked up a
part time job. Not that I really NEED the work, I just sort
of fell into it. I guess you could call me an assistant-
assistant greens-keeper at the Stony Creek Golf Course in
Chicago Ridge, Illinois.
My primary job is to maintain the sand traps around the
golf course by raking them. I do this by playing the course
and hitting my golf ball into every single sand trap on the
course. They don't actually pay me to perform this job, but
there are other benefits like sunburn, heat stroke and a
nice set of calluses from handling the rake.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was
oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found
a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead.
"Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A woman desperately seeking a good housekeeper interviewed
a husky girl who recently came from Lapland. The dialogue
was as follows:
"Can you do fancy cooking?"
"NO."
"Plain cooking?"
"NO."
"Can you sew?"
"NO."
"General housework?"
"NO."
"What can you do?"
"I milk reindeer."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The One Sunday
It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Using the FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher. The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave. The phone rings at the neighbor's house. "Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?" "Sure Did!" "Did they chop your firewood?!" "Yep!" "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 30th
Oneliner
"Never do anything that you'd be ashamed to tell a paramedic."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Clinic Sign"
From a sign at the blod donor clinic - "Sorry to needle you. We need your blood."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Open and Shut CaseNathan is talking to his lawyer. "Here's the deal, Frank. If you're absolutely sure I'll win the case, I'll give you the business.""Okay," replies Frank, "but before I can give you my opinion, I obviously need to know the facts."So Nathan goes into great detail about his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now you've heard everything, do you think I can sue my partner and get my money back?""Well," replies Frank, "from what I've just heard, it's clear to me that you will win. It's rare to have such an open-and-shut case."Nathan goes very white when he hears this."What's the matter?" asks Frank."I told you my partner's side of the case," replies Nathan.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna
put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But
first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of
the map so it won't fall down." --Mitch Hedberg
***
"The method preferred by most balding men for making them-
selves look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when
the man grows the hair on one side of his head very long
and combs it across the bald area, creating an effect that
looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large
tropical spider." --Dave Barry
***
"I announced to my wife I was going to the supermarket with
her the next time she went because the stuff she kept
bringing home was not fully in the spirit of American junk
food. While she was off squeezing melons, I made for the
junk food section. The breakfast cereals alone could have
occupied me for most of the afternoon. There must have been
two hundred types. The most immediately arresting was a
cereal called Cookie Crisp, which tried to pretend it was
a nutritious breakfast but was really just chocolate chip
cookies that you put in a bowl and ate with milk. Brilliant."
--Bill Bryson in "I'm a Stranger Here Myself."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
No good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the
roof on my father's shed. I was about halfway done when I
slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all
over my shirt, my pants, even my hair. Hearing the thud,
Dad looked up. "What happened?"
I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet
shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a
second time.
"You know," Dad said dryly, "you could have just told me."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
No good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the
roof on my father's shed. I was about halfway done when I
slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all
over my shirt, my pants, even my hair. Hearing the thud,
Dad looked up. "What happened?"
I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet
shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a
second time.
"You know," Dad said dryly, "you could have just told me."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Why God made MomsBRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!Why did God make mothers?1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.2. Mostly to clean the house.3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.How did God make mothers?1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.What ingredients are mothers made of?1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?1. We're related2 God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.What kind of little girl was your mom?1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.3. They say she used to be nice.What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?1. His last name.2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?Why did your mom marry your dad?1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.2. She got too old to do anything else with him.3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.Who's the boss at your house?1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.What's the difference between moms & dads?1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.What does your mom do in her spare time?1. Mothers don't do spare time.2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.What would it take to make your mom perfect?1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Momma said ...
I was nearing the final stages of my college preparation to become an elementary school teacher. During my Junior Year we were required to visit several classrooms of varying grades to get a feel for what we were getting ourselves into. Males in elementary education are a rarity and I soon learned that the children thought it was really neat to see a male at school that was not the principal. I will never forget my first visit to a kindergarten class room. These little tots were dying to ask me questions and tell me things about themselves. One little boy raised his hand and I went over to him. He VERY seriously said, "My granddaddy is going to kill himself." Caught COMPLETELY off guard, I struggled for what to say to him. I finally managed, "I'm sure he's not gonna kill himself." He replied, "Oh yes he is...Momma said if he doesn't quit lifting things that are too heavy, he's gonna kill himself."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Friends
A husband and wife were fighting over something trivial.
However, both of them adhered to their own positions without
budging an inch, and since yelling at each other wasn't
about to solve the problem, they decided they would each ask
10 friends to come, and they would ask the 20 people to act
as a jury.
The husband got 10 of his best friends to come right away.
Meanwhile, the wife got all 10 of his friends' wives.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sex Education
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Vernie hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Vernie, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Stop Following Me!
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP! He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin. ... and suddenly "the coffin stops!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How to look busy
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances. Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey. Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria. ==== Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!" Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!" ==== Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior. Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia. ==== Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet. Reality: You are playing Tetris. ==== Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department. Reality: You are paying your electric bill. ==== Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual. Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual. ==== Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought. Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"
"Never do anything that you'd be ashamed to tell a paramedic."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Clinic Sign"
From a sign at the blod donor clinic - "Sorry to needle you. We need your blood."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Open and Shut CaseNathan is talking to his lawyer. "Here's the deal, Frank. If you're absolutely sure I'll win the case, I'll give you the business.""Okay," replies Frank, "but before I can give you my opinion, I obviously need to know the facts."So Nathan goes into great detail about his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now you've heard everything, do you think I can sue my partner and get my money back?""Well," replies Frank, "from what I've just heard, it's clear to me that you will win. It's rare to have such an open-and-shut case."Nathan goes very white when he hears this."What's the matter?" asks Frank."I told you my partner's side of the case," replies Nathan.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna
put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But
first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of
the map so it won't fall down." --Mitch Hedberg
***
"The method preferred by most balding men for making them-
selves look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when
the man grows the hair on one side of his head very long
and combs it across the bald area, creating an effect that
looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large
tropical spider." --Dave Barry
***
"I announced to my wife I was going to the supermarket with
her the next time she went because the stuff she kept
bringing home was not fully in the spirit of American junk
food. While she was off squeezing melons, I made for the
junk food section. The breakfast cereals alone could have
occupied me for most of the afternoon. There must have been
two hundred types. The most immediately arresting was a
cereal called Cookie Crisp, which tried to pretend it was
a nutritious breakfast but was really just chocolate chip
cookies that you put in a bowl and ate with milk. Brilliant."
--Bill Bryson in "I'm a Stranger Here Myself."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
No good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the
roof on my father's shed. I was about halfway done when I
slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all
over my shirt, my pants, even my hair. Hearing the thud,
Dad looked up. "What happened?"
I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet
shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a
second time.
"You know," Dad said dryly, "you could have just told me."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
No good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the
roof on my father's shed. I was about halfway done when I
slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all
over my shirt, my pants, even my hair. Hearing the thud,
Dad looked up. "What happened?"
I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet
shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a
second time.
"You know," Dad said dryly, "you could have just told me."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Why God made MomsBRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!Why did God make mothers?1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.2. Mostly to clean the house.3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.How did God make mothers?1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.What ingredients are mothers made of?1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?1. We're related2 God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.What kind of little girl was your mom?1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.3. They say she used to be nice.What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?1. His last name.2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?Why did your mom marry your dad?1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.2. She got too old to do anything else with him.3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.Who's the boss at your house?1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.What's the difference between moms & dads?1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.What does your mom do in her spare time?1. Mothers don't do spare time.2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.What would it take to make your mom perfect?1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Momma said ...
I was nearing the final stages of my college preparation to become an elementary school teacher. During my Junior Year we were required to visit several classrooms of varying grades to get a feel for what we were getting ourselves into. Males in elementary education are a rarity and I soon learned that the children thought it was really neat to see a male at school that was not the principal. I will never forget my first visit to a kindergarten class room. These little tots were dying to ask me questions and tell me things about themselves. One little boy raised his hand and I went over to him. He VERY seriously said, "My granddaddy is going to kill himself." Caught COMPLETELY off guard, I struggled for what to say to him. I finally managed, "I'm sure he's not gonna kill himself." He replied, "Oh yes he is...Momma said if he doesn't quit lifting things that are too heavy, he's gonna kill himself."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Friends
A husband and wife were fighting over something trivial.
However, both of them adhered to their own positions without
budging an inch, and since yelling at each other wasn't
about to solve the problem, they decided they would each ask
10 friends to come, and they would ask the 20 people to act
as a jury.
The husband got 10 of his best friends to come right away.
Meanwhile, the wife got all 10 of his friends' wives.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sex Education
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Vernie hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Vernie, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Stop Following Me!
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP! He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin. ... and suddenly "the coffin stops!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How to look busy
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances. Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey. Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria. ==== Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!" Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!" ==== Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior. Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia. ==== Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet. Reality: You are playing Tetris. ==== Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department. Reality: You are paying your electric bill. ==== Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual. Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual. ==== Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought. Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"
Saturday, December 29, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 29th
Tips for managers
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Britney Spears was in the news again. She was having difficulty starting her car outside a nightclub while in a valet line. The main problem is, you can’t start a car with a Cheeto." --Jimmy Kimmel *** "New Jersey is trying to make it illegal to smoke in a car while children are in the car with you. Do you think that will do much good? Which is worse? The smoke in the car or the air in New Jersey?" --Jay Leno *** "According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly does not lead to doing much of anything." --Conan O'Brien ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Driver Returns On Foot
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER:I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face disfiguring me for life.I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and UzbekistanI no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my ass.And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...Have a wonderful day....Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Britney Spears was in the news again. She was having difficulty starting her car outside a nightclub while in a valet line. The main problem is, you can’t start a car with a Cheeto." --Jimmy Kimmel *** "New Jersey is trying to make it illegal to smoke in a car while children are in the car with you. Do you think that will do much good? Which is worse? The smoke in the car or the air in New Jersey?" --Jay Leno *** "According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly does not lead to doing much of anything." --Conan O'Brien ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Driver Returns On Foot
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER:I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face disfiguring me for life.I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and UzbekistanI no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my ass.And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...Have a wonderful day....Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Friday, December 28, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 28th
Overheard in a computer shop... Vernon Allen: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.” Vernon Allen: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Conception Perception” When my daughter was about 10 years old I became pregnant. Of course, she wanted to know how it happened, so I gave what I considered an appropriate explanation of the process. She asked, "Did you do that to get me?" I said yes, and she responded, "And you did it again?" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Nut Sign" Sign in a nut shop: "No credit cards here. Strictly cashew and carry." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Rough Weather” A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. "I'd like a soda," said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. "Yes, I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "According to 'Consumer Research' more people are drinking soda for breakfast. It's become the new orange juice. Maybe in the trailer park where Yoo-hoo is the new champagne!" --Jay Leno *** "A chimp gave birth at a place called Chimp Haven in Louisiana. Why is this unusual? All the male chimps in the facility are given vasectomies. Maybe it was an immaculate conception. How else can you explain the three wise chimps who showed up?" --Jimmy Kimmel *** "The Reverend Jesse Jackson says that he will endorse Barack Obama. Experts say that this is risky for Jackson because not much rhymes with Obama." --Conan O'Brien ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to
use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he
wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the
auditorium a little early and realized he did not know
the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather
resourceful, he went to the part of the building where
the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors,
and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood
up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had
offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or under-
stood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish
he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon
the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told
him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom
closets!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Conception Perception” When my daughter was about 10 years old I became pregnant. Of course, she wanted to know how it happened, so I gave what I considered an appropriate explanation of the process. She asked, "Did you do that to get me?" I said yes, and she responded, "And you did it again?" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Nut Sign" Sign in a nut shop: "No credit cards here. Strictly cashew and carry." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Rough Weather” A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. "I'd like a soda," said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. "Yes, I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "According to 'Consumer Research' more people are drinking soda for breakfast. It's become the new orange juice. Maybe in the trailer park where Yoo-hoo is the new champagne!" --Jay Leno *** "A chimp gave birth at a place called Chimp Haven in Louisiana. Why is this unusual? All the male chimps in the facility are given vasectomies. Maybe it was an immaculate conception. How else can you explain the three wise chimps who showed up?" --Jimmy Kimmel *** "The Reverend Jesse Jackson says that he will endorse Barack Obama. Experts say that this is risky for Jackson because not much rhymes with Obama." --Conan O'Brien ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to
use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he
wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the
auditorium a little early and realized he did not know
the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather
resourceful, he went to the part of the building where
the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors,
and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood
up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had
offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or under-
stood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish
he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon
the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told
him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom
closets!"
Thursday, December 27, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 27th
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all needto learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the followingconversation until you are able to understand the term"TENJOOBERRYMUDS".With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in. Now, heregoes...The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotelguest and call room-service somewhere in the good old USA today......Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddorsunteen???"Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."Room Service: "Ow July den?"Guest: ".....What??"Room Service: "Ow July den ?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"Guest: "Crisp will be fine."Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"Guest: "What?"Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"Guest: "I... don't think so."RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wansahn toes' means."RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglishmoppin we bodder?"Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."RoomService: "We bodder?"Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."RoomService: "Wad?!?"Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."RoomService: "Copy?"Guest: "Excuse me?"RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin,we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"Guest: "Whatever you say."RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."Guest: "You're welcome"Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTANDTENJOOBERRYMUDS'"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"According to 'Consumer Research' more people are drinking
soda for breakfast. It's become the new orange juice. Maybe
in the trailer park where Yoo-hoo is the new champagne!"
--Jay Leno
***
"A chimp gave birth at a place called Chimp Haven in
Louisiana. Why is this unusual? All the male chimps in the
facility are given vasectomies. Maybe it was an immaculate
conception. How else can you explain the three wise chimps
who showed up?" --Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The Reverend Jesse Jackson says that he will endorse Barack
Obama. Experts say that this is risky for Jackson because
not much rhymes with Obama." --Conan O'Brien
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist
and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with
petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white
gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on,
my husband finished showering and came into the room
wearing a towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie
and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to
use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he
wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the
auditorium a little early and realized he did not know
the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather
resourceful, he went to the part of the building where
the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors,
and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood
up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had
offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or under-
stood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish
he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon
the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told
him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom
closets!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Friends
A husband and wife were fighting over something trivial.
However, both of them adhered to their own positions without
budging an inch, and since yelling at each other wasn't
about to solve the problem, they decided they would each ask
10 friends to come, and they would ask the 20 people to act
as a jury.
The husband got 10 of his best friends to come right away.
Meanwhile, the wife got all 10 of his friends' wives.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sex Education
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Vernie hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Vernie, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Stop Following Me!
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP! He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin. ... and suddenly "the coffin stops!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How to look busy
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances. Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey. Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria. ==== Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!" Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!" ==== Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior. Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia. ==== Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet. Reality: You are playing Tetris. ==== Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department. Reality: You are paying your electric bill. ==== Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual. Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual. ==== Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought. Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"According to 'Consumer Research' more people are drinking
soda for breakfast. It's become the new orange juice. Maybe
in the trailer park where Yoo-hoo is the new champagne!"
--Jay Leno
***
"A chimp gave birth at a place called Chimp Haven in
Louisiana. Why is this unusual? All the male chimps in the
facility are given vasectomies. Maybe it was an immaculate
conception. How else can you explain the three wise chimps
who showed up?" --Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The Reverend Jesse Jackson says that he will endorse Barack
Obama. Experts say that this is risky for Jackson because
not much rhymes with Obama." --Conan O'Brien
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist
and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with
petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white
gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on,
my husband finished showering and came into the room
wearing a towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie
and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to
use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he
wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the
auditorium a little early and realized he did not know
the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather
resourceful, he went to the part of the building where
the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors,
and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood
up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had
offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or under-
stood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish
he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon
the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told
him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom
closets!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Friends
A husband and wife were fighting over something trivial.
However, both of them adhered to their own positions without
budging an inch, and since yelling at each other wasn't
about to solve the problem, they decided they would each ask
10 friends to come, and they would ask the 20 people to act
as a jury.
The husband got 10 of his best friends to come right away.
Meanwhile, the wife got all 10 of his friends' wives.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sex Education
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Vernie hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Vernie, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Stop Following Me!
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP! He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin. ... and suddenly "the coffin stops!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How to look busy
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances. Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey. Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria. ==== Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!" Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!" ==== Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior. Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia. ==== Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet. Reality: You are playing Tetris. ==== Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department. Reality: You are paying your electric bill. ==== Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual. Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual. ==== Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought. Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
hUMOR FOR Dec 26th
”Authentic Amusing Headlines”
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find--- The Los Angeles Times
Light' meals are lower in fat, calories-- Huntington Herald-Dispatch
Alcohol ads promote drinking-- The Hartford Courant
Infertility unlikely to be passed on--- Montgomery Advertiser
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link--- Cornell Daily Sun
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut--- The New York Times
Malls try to attract shoppers-- The Baltimore Sun
Official: Only rain will cure drought-- The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty-- Newsday
Man shoots neighbor with machete-- The Miami Herald
Economist uses theory to explain economy-- Collinsville Herald-Journal
Bible church's focus is the Bible-- Saint Augustine Record, Florida
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear-- Journal of Commerce
Lack of brains hinders research-- The Columbus Dispatch
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Airport Mistletoe"
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Iraqi Baseball Player
A Minnesota Twins scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play baseball and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the states. Two weeks later the Twins are in a close game with the Indians. The manager gives the young Iraqi reliever the nod and on he goes. The kid is a sensation, he strikes out everyone he faces for the rest of the game and wins it for the Twins! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media loves the new star. When the player comes off the field he phones his mom to tell her about his first day in the Majors. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for three innings today, I was called from the bullpen with the bases loaded but I struck out everyone I faced , and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." " Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time." The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Minneapolis in the first place!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Bible Exam
"Why do you keep reading the Bible everyday?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather. "Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Grandpa.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Alcohol Consumption Warning
- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. - The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your behind kicked. - The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees. - The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Deer Nuggets
Did you know deer nuggets are cheaper than chicken nuggets? Chicken nuggets are $1.49, but deer nuggets are under a BUCK
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lazy
My brother Vern is so lazy he won’t empty the trash in the computer recycle bin!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Santa A Guy?"
I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they--with amazing calm--call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:~ Men can't pack a bag.~ Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.~ Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.~ Men don't answer their mail.~ Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."~ Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.~ Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick.
Not a chance.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Bus Driver's Christmas
I am a bus driver for high school kids. It is Christmas
time, and the kids have all given me cards and presents.
Now I'm thinking, "Man, I must be a good driver, and the
kids even like me."
I'm now home from work and have started to open the cards.
On the inside of one card it says, "Thanks for not killing
us yet. We really appreciate it."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Letter from Santa
by Robert Byron
Dear Robeo,
I am writing in reply to your letter dated November 18th of this year. I
will start by saying that future correspondence regarding Christmas requests
should be postmarked before midnight on November 15th to insure
consideration before December 24th. Please keep in mind that this is a busy
time of year for my staff and myself and we like to have all orders filled
before our November 15th deadline as we begin loading the sleigh on the
16th.
Your request to have "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" cannot be
processed at this time. I am but one man and as "magical" as I am, this is
not a request that I can fulfill. I do not have any pull at the United
Nations or NATO and I am not in the business of enforcing peace throughout
the world. I can assure you however, that any persons involved in the act of
prohibiting "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" will receive sticks
for Christmas. Coal is no longer distributed as it is now a valued commodity
and distribution of this substance could be construed as a true and real
gift.
In the future, please limit your requests to tangible items, i.e., bicycles,
candy, rocking horses etc. Because there is limited space on the sled and
because the sled is only powered by eight tiny reindeer, I respectfully ask
that you not request new cars or houses as these requests will not be
granted. I hope you understand that I must be able to fit gifts for the
entire world into the sled.
Also, requests for cash will not be granted. The items I deliver are
handmade by elves and it would be in violation of the laws of all nations to
manufacture currency. I'm sure you realize that I am not going to put my
staff or myself in a position that would result in incarceration.
If you would like to submit a revised request, please feel free to do so.
All requests are honored on a first come, first serve basis and will be
filled only if time permits. If your request cannot be accommodated this
season, it will be submitted at the top of next season's list.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho,
Santa Clause
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Christmas Card Blues"
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.
They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror --- wearing nothing but a camera!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Reindeer Answer"
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Red Wagon
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find--- The Los Angeles Times
Light' meals are lower in fat, calories-- Huntington Herald-Dispatch
Alcohol ads promote drinking-- The Hartford Courant
Infertility unlikely to be passed on--- Montgomery Advertiser
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link--- Cornell Daily Sun
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut--- The New York Times
Malls try to attract shoppers-- The Baltimore Sun
Official: Only rain will cure drought-- The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty-- Newsday
Man shoots neighbor with machete-- The Miami Herald
Economist uses theory to explain economy-- Collinsville Herald-Journal
Bible church's focus is the Bible-- Saint Augustine Record, Florida
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear-- Journal of Commerce
Lack of brains hinders research-- The Columbus Dispatch
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Airport Mistletoe"
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Iraqi Baseball Player
A Minnesota Twins scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play baseball and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the states. Two weeks later the Twins are in a close game with the Indians. The manager gives the young Iraqi reliever the nod and on he goes. The kid is a sensation, he strikes out everyone he faces for the rest of the game and wins it for the Twins! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media loves the new star. When the player comes off the field he phones his mom to tell her about his first day in the Majors. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for three innings today, I was called from the bullpen with the bases loaded but I struck out everyone I faced , and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." " Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time." The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Minneapolis in the first place!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Bible Exam
"Why do you keep reading the Bible everyday?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather. "Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Grandpa.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Alcohol Consumption Warning
- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. - The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your behind kicked. - The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees. - The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Deer Nuggets
Did you know deer nuggets are cheaper than chicken nuggets? Chicken nuggets are $1.49, but deer nuggets are under a BUCK
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lazy
My brother Vern is so lazy he won’t empty the trash in the computer recycle bin!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Santa A Guy?"
I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they--with amazing calm--call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:~ Men can't pack a bag.~ Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.~ Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.~ Men don't answer their mail.~ Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."~ Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.~ Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick.
Not a chance.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Bus Driver's Christmas
I am a bus driver for high school kids. It is Christmas
time, and the kids have all given me cards and presents.
Now I'm thinking, "Man, I must be a good driver, and the
kids even like me."
I'm now home from work and have started to open the cards.
On the inside of one card it says, "Thanks for not killing
us yet. We really appreciate it."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Letter from Santa
by Robert Byron
Dear Robeo,
I am writing in reply to your letter dated November 18th of this year. I
will start by saying that future correspondence regarding Christmas requests
should be postmarked before midnight on November 15th to insure
consideration before December 24th. Please keep in mind that this is a busy
time of year for my staff and myself and we like to have all orders filled
before our November 15th deadline as we begin loading the sleigh on the
16th.
Your request to have "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" cannot be
processed at this time. I am but one man and as "magical" as I am, this is
not a request that I can fulfill. I do not have any pull at the United
Nations or NATO and I am not in the business of enforcing peace throughout
the world. I can assure you however, that any persons involved in the act of
prohibiting "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" will receive sticks
for Christmas. Coal is no longer distributed as it is now a valued commodity
and distribution of this substance could be construed as a true and real
gift.
In the future, please limit your requests to tangible items, i.e., bicycles,
candy, rocking horses etc. Because there is limited space on the sled and
because the sled is only powered by eight tiny reindeer, I respectfully ask
that you not request new cars or houses as these requests will not be
granted. I hope you understand that I must be able to fit gifts for the
entire world into the sled.
Also, requests for cash will not be granted. The items I deliver are
handmade by elves and it would be in violation of the laws of all nations to
manufacture currency. I'm sure you realize that I am not going to put my
staff or myself in a position that would result in incarceration.
If you would like to submit a revised request, please feel free to do so.
All requests are honored on a first come, first serve basis and will be
filled only if time permits. If your request cannot be accommodated this
season, it will be submitted at the top of next season's list.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho,
Santa Clause
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Christmas Card Blues"
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.
They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror --- wearing nothing but a camera!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Reindeer Answer"
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Red Wagon
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 25th
"The Day After Christmas" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
'Twas the day after Christmasand all through the roomStrewn wrappings were cryingfor use of a broom.
The children were scatteredthe friends' gifts exploringSince now most of theirswere broken or boring.
All tummies still stuffedfrom the fabulous feast;Leftovers would servefor one month at least.
And mama and papawere the countryside ranging,Those unwanted giftsreturned or exchanging.
Yes Christmas is pastwith its bustle and noise—Sales and carolsSantas and toys.
Decorations are packed the yule tree's discardedThe holiday's overjust as we got started
To celebrate peaceand the meaning of givingTo discover real love and the purpose for living.
Dear Jesus please help usto stop and rememberThat you came to earthnot just for December.
But from birth in a mangerto death on a crossYou gave up your gloryand counted it loss.
So now as we trust You—God’s only Son—The real celebrationhas only begun!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
'Twas the day after Christmasand all through the roomStrewn wrappings were cryingfor use of a broom.
The children were scatteredthe friends' gifts exploringSince now most of theirswere broken or boring.
All tummies still stuffedfrom the fabulous feast;Leftovers would servefor one month at least.
And mama and papawere the countryside ranging,Those unwanted giftsreturned or exchanging.
Yes Christmas is pastwith its bustle and noise—Sales and carolsSantas and toys.
Decorations are packed the yule tree's discardedThe holiday's overjust as we got started
To celebrate peaceand the meaning of givingTo discover real love and the purpose for living.
Dear Jesus please help usto stop and rememberThat you came to earthnot just for December.
But from birth in a mangerto death on a crossYou gave up your gloryand counted it loss.
So now as we trust You—God’s only Son—The real celebrationhas only begun!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Monday, December 24, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 24th
CHRISTMAS Humor
Christmas Tree Hunt
Two goobers went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,
"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Reindeer Problem" (This is an absolutely aweful pun - included here only because I know some of you sick pun lovers need your fix of torturing co-workers with it all day.) As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve as Santa Claus landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very loud "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time: "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!" He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows. Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!" None of the reindeer stepped forward. Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own." Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do - read off the rude-nosed reindeer! ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Politically Correct Santa" 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labour conditions at the North PoleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the C.A.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their rooftops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd never a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even YOU.So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Many Happy Returns" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. "'Twas the day after Christmasand all through the roomStrewn wrappings were cryingfor use of a broom. The children were scatteredthe friends' gifts exploringSince now most of theirswere broken or boring. All tummies still stuffedfrom the fabulous feast;Leftovers would servefor one month at least. And mama and papawere the countryside ranging,Those unwanted giftsreturned or exchanging. Yes Christmas is pastwith its bustle and noise—Sales and carolsSantas and toys. Decorations are packed the yule tree's discardedThe holiday's overjust as we got started To celebrate peaceand the meaning of givingTo discover real love and the purpose for living. Dear Jesus please help usto stop and rememberThat you came to earthnot just for December. But from birth in a mangerto death on a crossYou gave up your gloryand counted it loss. So now as we trust You—God’s only Son—The real celebrationhas only begun! Copyright 2007 Dave Veerman. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Santa and Science" 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total-- leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. 4) Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, at tops 25-30 miles per hour. 5) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine--we need 214,200 reindeer. This increased the payload--not even counting the weight of the sleigh--to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison, this is four times the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth. 6) Three hundred and fifty-three thousand tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force. In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Santa Dialogue” Dear Santa Copyright 2000 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/columns/archive/dear_santa.htmPlease do not remove the copyright from this essay! (Please?)
My son and Santa Claus have been pen pals every Christmas since he first learned to write. Traditionally, letters to Saint Nick are stuffed in the stockings hanging over the wood stove we call our "fireplace," and are answered via the same mysterious process that allows the jolly old elf to descend down a six-inch stove pipe every Christmas Eve.
Here is this year's exchange:
Dear Santa:
For Christmas this year I would like a guinea pig. I have other stuff I want, but I wanted to get the guinea-pig request in early.
Signed, the Best Boy in the World Dear Best Boy:
You are not getting a guinea pig. Are you forgetting what happened to the goldfish you had, and also to the mice you were given for your birthday? Please ask for something reasonable, like a new rake to help your father in the yard. That request I can fill immediately.
Dear Santa:
Well the directions never said you can't take goldfish into the bathtub with you so how was I supposed to know? And the thing with the mice was not my fault, it was the cat's fault.
I also want a go-cart.
Dear Pet Boy:
Surely you knew that sitting on the fish would not be good for them. And I hardly think the cat can be blamed for its instinctive pursuit of the mice once you left the cage door open. I'm sorry, but you may have no more rodents, and that's final.
Regarding your new request: You have already demonstrated an unnerving tendency to succumb to the gravitational pull of the earth, hurling yourself headfirst off of your bicycle and your skate board. A go-cart would merely accelerate this process. How about instead of a go-cart you get a wheelbarrow to help haul the leaves you'll be raking.
Dear so-called Santa:
A guinea pig is not a rodent, it is a member of the pork family.
How about you get me a little trailer for my go-cart and I'll haul leaves in that.
Plus I also want a drum set.
Oh, and I think you should know, my dad is not using the exercise bike you got him last Christmas. I guess it goes against his instinctive pursuit of getting fat.
Dear Drummer Boy:
No pigs of any kind, including those related to rats. No catapulting yourself headfirst from a go-cart into the emergency room. No banging on drums, or doing anything to create any noise except the sounds of yard work.
And your father is planning on starting his exercise program just as soon as his schedule settles down.
Dear Saint Nick Picker:
Well excuse me for thinking that Christmas was for something besides better homes and gardens.
If I can't have a go-cart, I want a snowmobile.
Oh, and I think you'd better take another look at my dad: All he has on his schedule is watching TV and drinking beer. If he settles down any more, he's going to slide off of his chair and onto the floor. The only way to tell that he's still alive is by his belches.
Dear Incorrect Boy:
Your father works hard and occasionally takes in a game on TV to relax. There is nothing wrong with this.
And a snowmobile? Are you crazy? Not only are they dangerous, do you have any idea how much a snowmobile costs? Please pick something affordable.
Dear Santa Flaws:
Well why do you care what it costs? I thought you had a bunch of dwarfs working for you who built everything in your workshop.
If I can't have a guinea pig I want a monkey.
Dear Boy:
A monkey? You cannot have a monkey.
Dear Chris Crumple:
I'm the only kid in my school without a pet.
But Son, I refuse to believe anybody in your school has a monkey. It is illegal.
Dear Santa Laws:
Well then can I have a guinea pig?
Dear Son:
Well... we'll see.
Illustration - "The Christmas Invitation" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
It was the biggest night of the year in a little town called Cornwall. It was the night of the annual Christmas pageant. It's an especially big deal for the children in town -- they get to try out for the roles in the Christmas story. Everybody wants a part.
Which leads us to the problem of Harold. Harold really wanted to be in the play, too, but he was - well, he was kind of a slow and simple kid. The directors were ambivalent - I mean, they knew Harold would be crushed if he didn't have a part, but they were afraid he might mess up the town's magic moment. Finally, they decided to cast Harold as the innkeeper - the one who turns Mary and Joseph away the night Jesus is to be born. He had only one line - "I'm sorry, we have no room." Well, no one could imagine what that one line was going to do to everyone's Christmas…
The night of the pageant the church was packed, as usual. The Christmas story unfolded according to plan - angels singing, Joseph's dream, and the trip to Bethlehem. Finally, Joseph and Mary arrived at the door of the Bethlehem inn, looking appropriately tired. Joseph knocked on the inn door, and Harold was there to open the door.
Joseph asked his question on cue - "Do you have a room for the night?" Harold froze. After a long pause, Harold mumbled his line, "I'm sorry - we have no room." And, with a little coaching, he shut the door. The directors heaved a sigh of relief - prematurely. As Mary and Joseph disappeared into the night, the set suddenly started shaking again - and the door opened. Harold was back! And then, in an unrehearsed moment that folks would not soon forget, Harold went running after the young couple, shouting as loud as he could -- "Wait! Don't go Joseph. Bring Mary back! You can have MY room!"
I think little Harold may have understood the real issue of Christmas better than anyone else there that night. How can you leave Jesus outside? You have to make room for Jesus. And that may be the issue for you this Christmas. What will you do with this Son of God who came to earth to find you?
Jesus is the One who trades a throne room for a stable, and the praise of angels for human mockery. This is the Creator who gives Himself on a cross! The Bible gives us the only appropriate response: "The life I now live I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me." (Gal. 2:20) You look at what Jesus did to pay for your sin on that cross, and you say those life-changing words - "For me."
Jesus is at YOUR door this Christmas. Maybe He's been knocking for a long time. Maybe He won't keep knocking much longer. All your life - even the events of the last few months - have been to prepare you for this crossroads moment with Jesus your Savior. Don't leave Him outside any longer. Open the door this Christmas Day. "Jesus, I cannot keep You out any longer. Come on in. You can have my room . . . my life."
For more on how to begin life's most important relationship, visit http://www.yoursforlife.net
Copyright 2006 Ron Hutchcraft Ministries www.hutchcraft.com. You can copy this, forward it, share with your family, office workers, neighbors, people you meet at the mall, friends, and more...Merry Christmas!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Christmas Tree Hunt
Two goobers went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,
"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Reindeer Problem" (This is an absolutely aweful pun - included here only because I know some of you sick pun lovers need your fix of torturing co-workers with it all day.) As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve as Santa Claus landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very loud "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time: "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!" He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows. Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!" None of the reindeer stepped forward. Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own." Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do - read off the rude-nosed reindeer! ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Politically Correct Santa" 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labour conditions at the North PoleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the C.A.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their rooftops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd never a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even YOU.So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Many Happy Returns" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. "'Twas the day after Christmasand all through the roomStrewn wrappings were cryingfor use of a broom. The children were scatteredthe friends' gifts exploringSince now most of theirswere broken or boring. All tummies still stuffedfrom the fabulous feast;Leftovers would servefor one month at least. And mama and papawere the countryside ranging,Those unwanted giftsreturned or exchanging. Yes Christmas is pastwith its bustle and noise—Sales and carolsSantas and toys. Decorations are packed the yule tree's discardedThe holiday's overjust as we got started To celebrate peaceand the meaning of givingTo discover real love and the purpose for living. Dear Jesus please help usto stop and rememberThat you came to earthnot just for December. But from birth in a mangerto death on a crossYou gave up your gloryand counted it loss. So now as we trust You—God’s only Son—The real celebrationhas only begun! Copyright 2007 Dave Veerman. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Santa and Science" 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total-- leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. 4) Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, at tops 25-30 miles per hour. 5) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine--we need 214,200 reindeer. This increased the payload--not even counting the weight of the sleigh--to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison, this is four times the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth. 6) Three hundred and fifty-three thousand tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force. In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Santa Dialogue” Dear Santa Copyright 2000 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/columns/archive/dear_santa.htmPlease do not remove the copyright from this essay! (Please?)
My son and Santa Claus have been pen pals every Christmas since he first learned to write. Traditionally, letters to Saint Nick are stuffed in the stockings hanging over the wood stove we call our "fireplace," and are answered via the same mysterious process that allows the jolly old elf to descend down a six-inch stove pipe every Christmas Eve.
Here is this year's exchange:
Dear Santa:
For Christmas this year I would like a guinea pig. I have other stuff I want, but I wanted to get the guinea-pig request in early.
Signed, the Best Boy in the World Dear Best Boy:
You are not getting a guinea pig. Are you forgetting what happened to the goldfish you had, and also to the mice you were given for your birthday? Please ask for something reasonable, like a new rake to help your father in the yard. That request I can fill immediately.
Dear Santa:
Well the directions never said you can't take goldfish into the bathtub with you so how was I supposed to know? And the thing with the mice was not my fault, it was the cat's fault.
I also want a go-cart.
Dear Pet Boy:
Surely you knew that sitting on the fish would not be good for them. And I hardly think the cat can be blamed for its instinctive pursuit of the mice once you left the cage door open. I'm sorry, but you may have no more rodents, and that's final.
Regarding your new request: You have already demonstrated an unnerving tendency to succumb to the gravitational pull of the earth, hurling yourself headfirst off of your bicycle and your skate board. A go-cart would merely accelerate this process. How about instead of a go-cart you get a wheelbarrow to help haul the leaves you'll be raking.
Dear so-called Santa:
A guinea pig is not a rodent, it is a member of the pork family.
How about you get me a little trailer for my go-cart and I'll haul leaves in that.
Plus I also want a drum set.
Oh, and I think you should know, my dad is not using the exercise bike you got him last Christmas. I guess it goes against his instinctive pursuit of getting fat.
Dear Drummer Boy:
No pigs of any kind, including those related to rats. No catapulting yourself headfirst from a go-cart into the emergency room. No banging on drums, or doing anything to create any noise except the sounds of yard work.
And your father is planning on starting his exercise program just as soon as his schedule settles down.
Dear Saint Nick Picker:
Well excuse me for thinking that Christmas was for something besides better homes and gardens.
If I can't have a go-cart, I want a snowmobile.
Oh, and I think you'd better take another look at my dad: All he has on his schedule is watching TV and drinking beer. If he settles down any more, he's going to slide off of his chair and onto the floor. The only way to tell that he's still alive is by his belches.
Dear Incorrect Boy:
Your father works hard and occasionally takes in a game on TV to relax. There is nothing wrong with this.
And a snowmobile? Are you crazy? Not only are they dangerous, do you have any idea how much a snowmobile costs? Please pick something affordable.
Dear Santa Flaws:
Well why do you care what it costs? I thought you had a bunch of dwarfs working for you who built everything in your workshop.
If I can't have a guinea pig I want a monkey.
Dear Boy:
A monkey? You cannot have a monkey.
Dear Chris Crumple:
I'm the only kid in my school without a pet.
But Son, I refuse to believe anybody in your school has a monkey. It is illegal.
Dear Santa Laws:
Well then can I have a guinea pig?
Dear Son:
Well... we'll see.
Illustration - "The Christmas Invitation" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
It was the biggest night of the year in a little town called Cornwall. It was the night of the annual Christmas pageant. It's an especially big deal for the children in town -- they get to try out for the roles in the Christmas story. Everybody wants a part.
Which leads us to the problem of Harold. Harold really wanted to be in the play, too, but he was - well, he was kind of a slow and simple kid. The directors were ambivalent - I mean, they knew Harold would be crushed if he didn't have a part, but they were afraid he might mess up the town's magic moment. Finally, they decided to cast Harold as the innkeeper - the one who turns Mary and Joseph away the night Jesus is to be born. He had only one line - "I'm sorry, we have no room." Well, no one could imagine what that one line was going to do to everyone's Christmas…
The night of the pageant the church was packed, as usual. The Christmas story unfolded according to plan - angels singing, Joseph's dream, and the trip to Bethlehem. Finally, Joseph and Mary arrived at the door of the Bethlehem inn, looking appropriately tired. Joseph knocked on the inn door, and Harold was there to open the door.
Joseph asked his question on cue - "Do you have a room for the night?" Harold froze. After a long pause, Harold mumbled his line, "I'm sorry - we have no room." And, with a little coaching, he shut the door. The directors heaved a sigh of relief - prematurely. As Mary and Joseph disappeared into the night, the set suddenly started shaking again - and the door opened. Harold was back! And then, in an unrehearsed moment that folks would not soon forget, Harold went running after the young couple, shouting as loud as he could -- "Wait! Don't go Joseph. Bring Mary back! You can have MY room!"
I think little Harold may have understood the real issue of Christmas better than anyone else there that night. How can you leave Jesus outside? You have to make room for Jesus. And that may be the issue for you this Christmas. What will you do with this Son of God who came to earth to find you?
Jesus is the One who trades a throne room for a stable, and the praise of angels for human mockery. This is the Creator who gives Himself on a cross! The Bible gives us the only appropriate response: "The life I now live I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me." (Gal. 2:20) You look at what Jesus did to pay for your sin on that cross, and you say those life-changing words - "For me."
Jesus is at YOUR door this Christmas. Maybe He's been knocking for a long time. Maybe He won't keep knocking much longer. All your life - even the events of the last few months - have been to prepare you for this crossroads moment with Jesus your Savior. Don't leave Him outside any longer. Open the door this Christmas Day. "Jesus, I cannot keep You out any longer. Come on in. You can have my room . . . my life."
For more on how to begin life's most important relationship, visit http://www.yoursforlife.net
Copyright 2006 Ron Hutchcraft Ministries www.hutchcraft.com. You can copy this, forward it, share with your family, office workers, neighbors, people you meet at the mall, friends, and more...Merry Christmas!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sunday, December 23, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 23rd
afzbzvoxSinging Cats
Nothing says "Merry" more than cat's singing Christmas songs! OK, not really but I just needed a way to warn you that this FunLink features cats singing.
Some of you love cats and the idea of of a feline singing along to Jingle Bells or White Christmas thrills you to no end.
Others of you would rather have your teeth cleaned with a wood file and should really just send the address of this page to your friends who owe you money. I'll see if I can find you some dogs singing and bringing down the "woof".
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Christmas vs Chanukah” Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25.Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida). Christmas is a major holiday.Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos...Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam which looks impressive on the bookshelf. There is only one way to spell Christmas.No one can decide how to spell Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannuka. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boy friends. Their partners expect special gifts.Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah. Christmas brings enormous electric bills.Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the global warming crisis. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come o Ye Faithful.....Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully? A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods.A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies.Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas.Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift any of the eight nights. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus.The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah, Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "The 12 Politically Correct Days of Christmas" On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically-imposed midwinter festival, my potential acquaintance gave to me, TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming. ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18 member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...) TEN melanin-deprived, testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically-disadvantaged female persons stealing milk products from enslaved Bovine Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally-protected wetlands, SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen, nonhuman animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally-sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, THREE deconstructionist poets, TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled, processed tree carcasses, and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space." -Dave Barry *** "Oh, look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who'd have ever guessed that product con- sumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" -Calvin & Hobbes ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Nothing says "Merry" more than cat's singing Christmas songs! OK, not really but I just needed a way to warn you that this FunLink features cats singing.
Some of you love cats and the idea of of a feline singing along to Jingle Bells or White Christmas thrills you to no end.
Others of you would rather have your teeth cleaned with a wood file and should really just send the address of this page to your friends who owe you money. I'll see if I can find you some dogs singing and bringing down the "woof".
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Christmas vs Chanukah” Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25.Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida). Christmas is a major holiday.Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos...Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam which looks impressive on the bookshelf. There is only one way to spell Christmas.No one can decide how to spell Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannuka. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boy friends. Their partners expect special gifts.Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah. Christmas brings enormous electric bills.Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the global warming crisis. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come o Ye Faithful.....Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully? A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods.A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies.Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas.Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift any of the eight nights. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus.The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah, Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "The 12 Politically Correct Days of Christmas" On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically-imposed midwinter festival, my potential acquaintance gave to me, TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming. ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18 member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...) TEN melanin-deprived, testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically-disadvantaged female persons stealing milk products from enslaved Bovine Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally-protected wetlands, SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen, nonhuman animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally-sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, THREE deconstructionist poets, TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled, processed tree carcasses, and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space." -Dave Barry *** "Oh, look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who'd have ever guessed that product con- sumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" -Calvin & Hobbes ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Saturday, December 22, 2007
hUMOR FOR Dec 22nd
No Pets Allowed
Two buddies were out one Saturday, walking their dogs. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer let him in. His buddy with the Chihuahua put on his pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man exclaimed, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Strange Necktie
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, managing to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few seconds and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing
catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl
(control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer
keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a
colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro
if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. "
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big
smile hands the guy a quarter.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are." -
Douglas Helsel
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Granny's PieGranny Adams made such beautiful pies! One day I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?""Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it.""Okay," I said. "Tell me!""Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full.Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
”Football Wedding”
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Pink Humvees"
Our division had to repaint our Humvees to a sand color for Desert Storm.The result was a pinkish hue, and the jokes began.
One wag renamed us the Pink Panzer Division, but the best was the Humvee bumper sticker:
"Ask me about Mary Kay."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanQuote
"Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Christmas Love" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I don't usually go for different versions of the "Love Chapter" (1 Corinthians 13), but I like this one.
+++++++++++++++++++
If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows,strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls,but do not show love to my family,I'm just another decorator.
If I slave away in the kitchen,baking dozens of Christmas cookies,preparing gourmet mealsand arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime:but do not show love to my family,I'm just another cook.
If I work at a soup kitchencarol in the nursing home,and give all that I have to charity;but do not show love to my family,it profits me nothing.
If I trim the spruce with shimmering angelsand crocheted snowflakes,attend a myriad of holiday partiesand sing in the choir's cantatabut do not focus on Christ,I have missed the point.
Love stops the cooking to hug the child.Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the spouse.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love doesn't envy another's homethat has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way,but is thankful they are there to be in the way.
Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return;but rejoices in giving to those who can't.
Love bears all things,believes all things,hopes all thingsendures all things.Love never fails.
Video games will break,pearl necklaces will be lost,golf clubs will rust;
But giving the gift of love will endure.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Snowflakes
I live in the most temperate part of Canada. We hardly get any snow in a normal winter. However, from time to time we do get an amount that is exceptional for our area. This loss of "temperateness" often tempts us to temporarily lose our temper until the temperature returns closer to that of tempora chicken. Consequently, in our neck of the woods we don't enjoy watching the snow melt - we enjoy watching it die.
It's a pity, really, because snow flakes have such potential to be cheery things. For intance, find the Cybersalt Snowflake below (use the search tool and search "cybersalt" in the message field) and you'll get a nice message from me. And, of course, you can always make your own snowflake and spread your own happy message around.
………………………………………………
A Soldier's Night Before Christmas(Original Title is "Merry Christmas, My Friend")'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,In a one-bedroom house made of plaster and stone.I had come down the chimney, with presents to giveand to see just who in this home did live.As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand.On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land.With medals and badges, awards of all kind,a sobering thought soon came to my mind.For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen.This was the home of a U.S. Marine.I'd heard stories about them, I had to see more,so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.And there he lay sleeping, silent, alone,Curled up on the floor in his one-bedroom home.He seemed so gentle, his face so serene,Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.Was this the hero, of whom I'd just read?Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan.I soon understood, this was more than a man.For I realized the families that I saw that night,owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight.Soon around the Nation, the children would play,And grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.They all enjoyed freedom, each month and all year,because of Marines like this one lying here.I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice,"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choiceI fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.My life is my God, my country, my Corps."With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep,I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.I watched him for hours, so silent and still.I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,and covered this Marine from his toes to his head.Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold,with an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold.And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.I didn't want to leave him so quiet in the night,this guardian of honor so willing to fight.But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure,said "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas Day, all secure."One look at my watch and I knew he was right,Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight.><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
Two buddies were out one Saturday, walking their dogs. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer let him in. His buddy with the Chihuahua put on his pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man exclaimed, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Strange Necktie
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, managing to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few seconds and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing
catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl
(control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer
keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a
colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro
if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. "
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big
smile hands the guy a quarter.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are." -
Douglas Helsel
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Granny's PieGranny Adams made such beautiful pies! One day I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?""Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it.""Okay," I said. "Tell me!""Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full.Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
”Football Wedding”
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Pink Humvees"
Our division had to repaint our Humvees to a sand color for Desert Storm.The result was a pinkish hue, and the jokes began.
One wag renamed us the Pink Panzer Division, but the best was the Humvee bumper sticker:
"Ask me about Mary Kay."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanQuote
"Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Christmas Love" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I don't usually go for different versions of the "Love Chapter" (1 Corinthians 13), but I like this one.
+++++++++++++++++++
If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows,strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls,but do not show love to my family,I'm just another decorator.
If I slave away in the kitchen,baking dozens of Christmas cookies,preparing gourmet mealsand arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime:but do not show love to my family,I'm just another cook.
If I work at a soup kitchencarol in the nursing home,and give all that I have to charity;but do not show love to my family,it profits me nothing.
If I trim the spruce with shimmering angelsand crocheted snowflakes,attend a myriad of holiday partiesand sing in the choir's cantatabut do not focus on Christ,I have missed the point.
Love stops the cooking to hug the child.Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the spouse.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love doesn't envy another's homethat has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way,but is thankful they are there to be in the way.
Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return;but rejoices in giving to those who can't.
Love bears all things,believes all things,hopes all thingsendures all things.Love never fails.
Video games will break,pearl necklaces will be lost,golf clubs will rust;
But giving the gift of love will endure.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Snowflakes
I live in the most temperate part of Canada. We hardly get any snow in a normal winter. However, from time to time we do get an amount that is exceptional for our area. This loss of "temperateness" often tempts us to temporarily lose our temper until the temperature returns closer to that of tempora chicken. Consequently, in our neck of the woods we don't enjoy watching the snow melt - we enjoy watching it die.
It's a pity, really, because snow flakes have such potential to be cheery things. For intance, find the Cybersalt Snowflake below (use the search tool and search "cybersalt" in the message field) and you'll get a nice message from me. And, of course, you can always make your own snowflake and spread your own happy message around.
………………………………………………
A Soldier's Night Before Christmas(Original Title is "Merry Christmas, My Friend")'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,In a one-bedroom house made of plaster and stone.I had come down the chimney, with presents to giveand to see just who in this home did live.As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand.On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land.With medals and badges, awards of all kind,a sobering thought soon came to my mind.For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen.This was the home of a U.S. Marine.I'd heard stories about them, I had to see more,so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.And there he lay sleeping, silent, alone,Curled up on the floor in his one-bedroom home.He seemed so gentle, his face so serene,Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.Was this the hero, of whom I'd just read?Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan.I soon understood, this was more than a man.For I realized the families that I saw that night,owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight.Soon around the Nation, the children would play,And grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.They all enjoyed freedom, each month and all year,because of Marines like this one lying here.I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice,"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choiceI fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.My life is my God, my country, my Corps."With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep,I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.I watched him for hours, so silent and still.I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,and covered this Marine from his toes to his head.Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold,with an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold.And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.I didn't want to leave him so quiet in the night,this guardian of honor so willing to fight.But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure,said "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas Day, all secure."One look at my watch and I knew he was right,Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight.><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
Friday, December 21, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 21st
"Car Cow Sale"
A farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. And that was what took the price up. The farmer need the truck badly, paid the price and went home. A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00. The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman. Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow.......... BASIC COW...............................$500.00 Two tone exterior..........................$45.00 Extra stomach...............................$75.00 Product storing equipment..........$60.00 Straw compartment....................$120.00 4 Spigots @$10 ea......................$40.00 Leather upholstery......................$125.00 Dual horns.....................................$45.00 Automatic fly swatter....................$38.00 Fertilizer attachment..................$185.00 GRAND TOTAL......................$1,233.00
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Oneliner
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."- Calvin and Hobbes - Bill Watterson
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanPun - "Busy Button"
I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy."
I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Failing EyesightAn older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing.""Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and collided with a cow.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Day in Court
A witness is testifying before the court, and the
prosecuting attorney is asking him questions.
"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes."
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions."
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes."
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes."
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this
courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raise their hands.
(What's a defense attorney to do?)
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is,
when you're carrying your bride over the threshold, always
go in sideways -- unless of course two broken ankles and a
concussion turn you on.
***
"I know that you believe that you understood what you think
I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is
not what I meant."
-Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman
***
The government will be requiring new food labels that are
more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low
fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is,
when you're carrying your bride over the threshold, always
go in sideways -- unless of course two broken ankles and a
concussion turn you on.
***
"I know that you believe that you understood what you think
I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is
not what I meant."
-Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman
***
The government will be requiring new food labels that are
more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low
fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group
of medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his
left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what
would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Overheard in a computer shop...
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Piranha
While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
More Automobile Acronyms
GMGeneral Maintenance GMCGarage Man`s CompanionGot A Mechanic Coming? HONDAHad One, Never Did AgainHappy Owners Never Drive Anything else HYUNDAIHope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive MAZDAMost Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILEOld Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment SAABSend Another Automobile BackSwedish Automobiles Always Breakdown. TOYOTAToo Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVOVery Odd Looking Vehicular Object VWVirtually Worthless
A farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. And that was what took the price up. The farmer need the truck badly, paid the price and went home. A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00. The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman. Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow.......... BASIC COW...............................$500.00 Two tone exterior..........................$45.00 Extra stomach...............................$75.00 Product storing equipment..........$60.00 Straw compartment....................$120.00 4 Spigots @$10 ea......................$40.00 Leather upholstery......................$125.00 Dual horns.....................................$45.00 Automatic fly swatter....................$38.00 Fertilizer attachment..................$185.00 GRAND TOTAL......................$1,233.00
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Oneliner
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."- Calvin and Hobbes - Bill Watterson
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanPun - "Busy Button"
I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy."
I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Failing EyesightAn older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing.""Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and collided with a cow.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Day in Court
A witness is testifying before the court, and the
prosecuting attorney is asking him questions.
"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes."
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions."
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes."
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes."
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this
courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raise their hands.
(What's a defense attorney to do?)
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is,
when you're carrying your bride over the threshold, always
go in sideways -- unless of course two broken ankles and a
concussion turn you on.
***
"I know that you believe that you understood what you think
I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is
not what I meant."
-Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman
***
The government will be requiring new food labels that are
more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low
fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is,
when you're carrying your bride over the threshold, always
go in sideways -- unless of course two broken ankles and a
concussion turn you on.
***
"I know that you believe that you understood what you think
I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is
not what I meant."
-Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman
***
The government will be requiring new food labels that are
more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low
fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group
of medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his
left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what
would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Overheard in a computer shop...
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Piranha
While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
More Automobile Acronyms
GMGeneral Maintenance GMCGarage Man`s CompanionGot A Mechanic Coming? HONDAHad One, Never Did AgainHappy Owners Never Drive Anything else HYUNDAIHope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive MAZDAMost Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILEOld Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment SAABSend Another Automobile BackSwedish Automobiles Always Breakdown. TOYOTAToo Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVOVery Odd Looking Vehicular Object VWVirtually Worthless
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)