School Best Sellers
Walking To School The First Day Back - by Misty Bus The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me - by I. Rhoda Bike Can't See The Chalkboard - by Sidney Backrow Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School - by Major Crackupp What I Dislike About Returning To School - by Mona Lott Making It Through The First Week Of School - by Gladys Saturday Is Life Over When Summer Ends? - by Midas Welbee What I Love About Returning To School - by I.M. Kidding Will Jimmy Finally Graduate? - by I. Betty Wont What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School - by U. Will Gettitt
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Thanksgiving Funny
In a few days, all America will be celebrating the holiday
of Thanksgiving, or as it is known outside the United
States, "Thursday."
Families separated for months or years will reunite, and
shortly afterwards they will remember why they separated. In
a darkened gymnasium, Richard Simmons will run his revenue
projections and consider buying a small Caribbean island.
Throughout the nation, those wretched souls condemned to the
public school system will breathe a bit easier, eager in
their anticipation of four days surcease from education.
(The students are pretty happy about it, too.)
Yet running through this gaiety is an undercurrent of
bewilderment. In this decadent age we live in, far too many
of our unlettered countrymen think Plymouth Rock a music
style from the '70s, or the Mayflower a potpourri
ingredient. Accordingly, in the best traditions of
journalistic public service and overweening arrogance, my
column this frosty morn shall be dedicated to answering your
questions about Thanksgiving.
Q. Gosh, you're right. I, the average reader, am dumb as a
post. What exactly are the origins of Thanksgiving?
A. Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers
and farmers to allow them to sell huge quantities of
disgusting "traditional" foods that no one in his right mind
would eat otherwise, such as squash. The average squash is a
triumph of minimalism wherein Nature manages to convert mud
into a plant without bothering to change its taste and
texture. Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of squash
by the addition of delicate seasonings and spices have
produced dishes that taste, at best, like delicately
seasoned and spiced mud. A master chef, faced with the
necessity of making a palatable squash dish, would throw in
his funny hat and become a short-order cook at Denny's.
Q. That's quite a conspiracy theory. Where do the Black
Helicopters fit in?
A. They transport the squash.
Q. I should have guessed. But seriously, what are the
origins of Thanksgiving?
A. The first Thanksgiving was a celebration of gratitude by
a group of early English settlers known as the Pilgrims. The
Pilgrims were Separatists who had come to the New World to
practice their religion without government interference, and
since the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms did not
exist at the time, they were allowed to do so.
Unfortunately, the Pilgrims neglected to acquire a few
skills (such as elementary agronomy) before setting off on
their voyage, and as a result they nearly starved. The local
Indians, who at the time were practicing their ancient
sustenance methods of hunting and fishing, took pity on the
Pilgrims and taught them to farm the native flora. In a
display of appreciation, when the first harvest was taken
in, the Pilgrims held a huge feast and invited the Indians
over for dinner, after which they all fell asleep on couches
while watching football.
Q. OK, but when did Thanksgiving become a national holiday?
A. Thanksgiving Day was adopted as an annual holiday by New
York State in 1817, marking the first official celebration
of Thanksgiving as a regular event, and the last time a New
Yorker said "thank you" for anything. In 1863, President
Lincoln appointed a national day of thanksgiving, and every
subsequent president has followed suit.
Q. Speaking of turkeys, is it true that Ben Franklin thought
the turkey should have been our national bird instead of the
eagle?
A. Ben Franklin was indeed a proponent of the turkey as our
national bird. Since he was a member of the Hellfire Club at
the time, though, his motives were somewhat suspect.
It must be kept in mind that the modern domestic turkey
bears little resemblance to its feral ancestors. The wild
turkey is a cunning and elusive survivor, a challenging
quarry for the most skilled of hunters. Farm turkeys, on the
other hand, have been selectively inbred for generations in
an attempt to improve flavor and increase breast meat
production. These efforts have had numerous side effects on
the birds in question, including reduced intelligence,
difficulty in maintaining balance, and the creation of the
Spice Girls.
Q. Is there a final message you would like to give to your
readers on this Thanksgiving Day?
A. Enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner. You can have my squash.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"You never see a fish on the wall with its mouth shut." - Sally Berger
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"According to the energy department, high gas prices may
be around for the next six months. After that they'll be
followed by really high gas prices." --Jay Leno
***
"New York City now has a major rat problem. You have no
idea how big these rats are until you go to Central Park
and take a ride in one of our rat drawn carriages."
--Dave Letterman
***
"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but
when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my
balance she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong
number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of
Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a
wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as
I want to get."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Drum ProblemThere was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Batman
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorothy. While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place. She laughed and said "It is, too. It's where Batman lives". I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you think there have been four of them: Bale, Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?" She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's because he doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Steroids
Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is first time in baseball history that the players have more additives in them than the hot dogs.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Tickets
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 29th
Mommy's Resolutions
- When I'm tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I'd rather read." - I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that doesn't revolve around labor pains or children's toilet habits. I will feel comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather. - I will be more flexible about children's nutritional requirements by counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables. - When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust bunny. - I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You'd better listen because I will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken. I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times. - When my kids are older (at least 50), I will explain why they never have any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags. - I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Apprehension
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Before You Meet With God
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"I just got some horrible news. My new coworker is S.O.B. positive." - Jim
Rosenberg
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a
woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was
calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind
souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." - Dave
Letterman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"It takes time to raise about 25 children. I know, I have
two myself. That's plenty. Mine are twins, though. Both of
them. They're awfully cute. I can't think of their names.
They don't come when I call them anyway." --Victor Borge
***
After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting
around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer
stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down
his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give
this stupid game up!"
***
"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,
'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the
groom." -David Gunter
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Did you hear the new California quarter's reverse side
features a bear, a miner, a condor, a redwood, and poppies?
The engraving depicts the bear observing the miner as he
cooks the condor over a redwood fire he made after smoking
a distillate of the poppies.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat
as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as
the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center
of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse
me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops,
excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her
and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have
done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud
whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just
flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Recent Quips from Late Night
All of the late-night shows are in reruns while the joke writers are on strike. Until the strike is over, our weekly "Recent Quips from Late Night" feature will be on hiatus
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Dog at the Movies
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?" "Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Life Changing Thoughts
* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. * If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos.....then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. * Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. * Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. * Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
- When I'm tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I'd rather read." - I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that doesn't revolve around labor pains or children's toilet habits. I will feel comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather. - I will be more flexible about children's nutritional requirements by counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables. - When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust bunny. - I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You'd better listen because I will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken. I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times. - When my kids are older (at least 50), I will explain why they never have any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags. - I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Apprehension
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Before You Meet With God
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"I just got some horrible news. My new coworker is S.O.B. positive." - Jim
Rosenberg
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a
woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was
calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind
souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." - Dave
Letterman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"It takes time to raise about 25 children. I know, I have
two myself. That's plenty. Mine are twins, though. Both of
them. They're awfully cute. I can't think of their names.
They don't come when I call them anyway." --Victor Borge
***
After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting
around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer
stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down
his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give
this stupid game up!"
***
"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,
'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the
groom." -David Gunter
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Did you hear the new California quarter's reverse side
features a bear, a miner, a condor, a redwood, and poppies?
The engraving depicts the bear observing the miner as he
cooks the condor over a redwood fire he made after smoking
a distillate of the poppies.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat
as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as
the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center
of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse
me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops,
excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her
and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have
done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud
whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just
flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Recent Quips from Late Night
All of the late-night shows are in reruns while the joke writers are on strike. Until the strike is over, our weekly "Recent Quips from Late Night" feature will be on hiatus
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Dog at the Movies
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?" "Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Life Changing Thoughts
* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. * If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos.....then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. * Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. * Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. * Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
hUMOR For Nov. 28th
Broom
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that
came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower."
Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free
peanuts?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make
their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I
wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it
to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly
made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The next time a salesman tells you that something costs roughly $1100, ask
him how much is it when he smoothes it out.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
AMUSING QUOTE
"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Thanksgiving in the UK
A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were
discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The
American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.
"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it
on the 6th of September."
"Why then?"
"That's when you chaps left."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
When Vern Allen worked at Safeway Grocery Store a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The Vern replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Excuse for Republicans driving sports cars that cost more
than their fathers ever made in a year: It's cheaper than
marrying a woman half my age." -P.J. O'Rourke
***
"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was.
Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and
wierd. It'll happen to YOU." -Abe Simpson, The Simpsons
***
"In the past, your dumbness has gotten in the way of a few
things that I really wanted to do: The book club. Theater.
Having conversations." -Patricia Heaton
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions"
that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age,
people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of
their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing
you ever bought?"
She answered, "Dog toothpaste."
Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say
to you?"
Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time,
but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.
Then she went to visit her Mother for two weeks, and when
she returned, she was overjoyed to find that her husband had
surprised her by installing beautiful new cabinets.
A few days later a neighbor came over to visit and after
admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us
were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were
gone was confined to the kitchen."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
35 Years
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Lord's Prayer
A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Fractured Christmas Carols
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: - Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly - We three kings of porridge and tar - On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me - Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire. - He's makin' a list, chicken and rice. - Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel. - With the jelly toast proclaim
<><><<><><<><><><><><>
How to deal with telemarketers
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. - If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." - If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. - Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. - Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. - If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" - After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. - Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that
came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower."
Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free
peanuts?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make
their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I
wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it
to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly
made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The next time a salesman tells you that something costs roughly $1100, ask
him how much is it when he smoothes it out.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
AMUSING QUOTE
"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Thanksgiving in the UK
A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were
discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The
American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.
"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it
on the 6th of September."
"Why then?"
"That's when you chaps left."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
When Vern Allen worked at Safeway Grocery Store a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The Vern replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Excuse for Republicans driving sports cars that cost more
than their fathers ever made in a year: It's cheaper than
marrying a woman half my age." -P.J. O'Rourke
***
"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was.
Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and
wierd. It'll happen to YOU." -Abe Simpson, The Simpsons
***
"In the past, your dumbness has gotten in the way of a few
things that I really wanted to do: The book club. Theater.
Having conversations." -Patricia Heaton
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions"
that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age,
people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of
their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing
you ever bought?"
She answered, "Dog toothpaste."
Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say
to you?"
Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time,
but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.
Then she went to visit her Mother for two weeks, and when
she returned, she was overjoyed to find that her husband had
surprised her by installing beautiful new cabinets.
A few days later a neighbor came over to visit and after
admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us
were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were
gone was confined to the kitchen."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
35 Years
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Lord's Prayer
A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Fractured Christmas Carols
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: - Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly - We three kings of porridge and tar - On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me - Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire. - He's makin' a list, chicken and rice. - Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel. - With the jelly toast proclaim
<><><<><><<><><><><><>
How to deal with telemarketers
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. - If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." - If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. - Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. - Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. - If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" - After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. - Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
hUMRO For Nov 27th
AMUSING QUOTE
"Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Pit Crew” The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage. However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45
minutes."
"Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Pit Crew” The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage. However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45
minutes."
Monday, November 26, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 26th
The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were
asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they
had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable
mentions are listed below.
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot.
In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for
traction.
First Runner-Up:
In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of
that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled
roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them
to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something
like quarters, which we never had because our allowances
were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and
end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm
so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really
matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if
you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real
pebbles on them, not like today.
And the winner:
In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the
creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants.
Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts,
along with potatoes.
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to
do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some
fingers amputated.
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-
off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the
doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped
along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was
a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a
dollar.
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together
our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day,
the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched
on the back of a giant tortoise.
Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-
haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-
haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.
Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to
watch television by candlelight.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Creative ways to deal with telemarketers
- Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up. - Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up. - Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. - Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. - Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza. - Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. - Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?" - Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder... - Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Tomatoes
Vernie was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." Vernie pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the Vernie, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical
bills resulting from use of her cookbook
Ivette - Banana Pie
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and
put them in the pie. Then you eat it.
Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes
and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it
in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a
knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the
neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for
half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and
eat.
Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it
for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish
them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce."
Then you eat it.
Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven
for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it
cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.
Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put
it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees.
Then you eat it.
Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook
it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat
it.
Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put
gravy on it and eat it.
Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them
in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out
and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them.
Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you
put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a
spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then
you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15
minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and
then you eat it.
Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it
in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You
put it on plates and then you eat it.
Jordan S - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then
you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it
in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you
eat it.
Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done.
And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees.
Then you eat it.
Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then
you eat it.
Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then
you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake
it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go
hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.
Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a
pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough
into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9
degrees for 15 minutes.
Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it.
Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60
degrees. Then eat it.
Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then
you eat it.
Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out
and eat it.
Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in
a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it.
Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut
into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7
minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy
weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it.
Then you eat it.
asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they
had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable
mentions are listed below.
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot.
In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for
traction.
First Runner-Up:
In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of
that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled
roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them
to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something
like quarters, which we never had because our allowances
were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and
end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm
so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really
matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if
you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real
pebbles on them, not like today.
And the winner:
In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the
creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants.
Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts,
along with potatoes.
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to
do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some
fingers amputated.
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-
off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the
doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped
along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was
a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a
dollar.
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together
our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day,
the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched
on the back of a giant tortoise.
Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-
haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-
haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.
Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to
watch television by candlelight.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Creative ways to deal with telemarketers
- Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up. - Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up. - Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. - Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. - Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza. - Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. - Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?" - Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder... - Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Tomatoes
Vernie was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." Vernie pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the Vernie, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical
bills resulting from use of her cookbook
Ivette - Banana Pie
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and
put them in the pie. Then you eat it.
Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes
and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it
in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a
knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the
neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for
half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and
eat.
Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it
for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish
them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce."
Then you eat it.
Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven
for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it
cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.
Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put
it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees.
Then you eat it.
Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook
it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat
it.
Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put
gravy on it and eat it.
Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them
in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out
and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them.
Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you
put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a
spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then
you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15
minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and
then you eat it.
Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it
in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You
put it on plates and then you eat it.
Jordan S - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then
you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it
in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you
eat it.
Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done.
And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees.
Then you eat it.
Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then
you eat it.
Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then
you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake
it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go
hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.
Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a
pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough
into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9
degrees for 15 minutes.
Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it.
Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60
degrees. Then eat it.
Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then
you eat it.
Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out
and eat it.
Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in
a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it.
Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut
into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7
minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy
weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it.
Then you eat it.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 25th
Thanksgiving in the UK(In America, we just finished celebrating Thanksgiving. The following is the U.K. view of that particular holiday).A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK."Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September.""Why then?""That's when you chaps left."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
AMUSING QUOTE
"I love Thanksgiving turkey...
it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Thanksgiving Forecast
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"The first thing I did after being hired as the director of
learning technology at a high school was to change the sign
outside my door -- the one that had my name followed by the
acronym D.O.L.T."
***
"According to a new study, ladies and gentlemen, you can
improve your memory by watching less TV, doing crossword
puzzles, eating more fish I can't remember all that."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
***
"Scientists are saying that if global warming doesn't stop
the oceans could rise as much as four and a half feet. One
thing all scientists can agree on is that Gary Coleman is
going to drown." --Conan O'Brien
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben
and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down
the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before
the had taken three steps. the second threw his watch and
made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The
third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the
stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked
slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch." How did
you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 20 minutes slow."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Career Change
When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up." Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?" Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Embarrassing Traffic Stop
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
After-Thanksgiving PoemI ate too much turkey, I ate too much corn,I ate too much pudding and pie.I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'I'm probably going to die.I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.But I wish I had known when to stop,For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jamsThat my buttons are starting to pop!I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoesMy stomach is swollen and sore,But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt ifI eat just a little bit more!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"More, More Church Bulletin Bloopers"
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our lastbulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanQuote
"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife."- Daniel Boone
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Illustration - "Grace" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Threatening Letters
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped." "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?" "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Jury Full of Lawyers
A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
AMUSING QUOTE
"I love Thanksgiving turkey...
it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Thanksgiving Forecast
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"The first thing I did after being hired as the director of
learning technology at a high school was to change the sign
outside my door -- the one that had my name followed by the
acronym D.O.L.T."
***
"According to a new study, ladies and gentlemen, you can
improve your memory by watching less TV, doing crossword
puzzles, eating more fish I can't remember all that."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
***
"Scientists are saying that if global warming doesn't stop
the oceans could rise as much as four and a half feet. One
thing all scientists can agree on is that Gary Coleman is
going to drown." --Conan O'Brien
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben
and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down
the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before
the had taken three steps. the second threw his watch and
made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The
third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the
stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked
slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch." How did
you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 20 minutes slow."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Career Change
When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up." Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?" Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Embarrassing Traffic Stop
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
After-Thanksgiving PoemI ate too much turkey, I ate too much corn,I ate too much pudding and pie.I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'I'm probably going to die.I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.But I wish I had known when to stop,For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jamsThat my buttons are starting to pop!I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoesMy stomach is swollen and sore,But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt ifI eat just a little bit more!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"More, More Church Bulletin Bloopers"
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our lastbulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanQuote
"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife."- Daniel Boone
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Illustration - "Grace" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Threatening Letters
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped." "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?" "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Jury Full of Lawyers
A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
Saturday, November 24, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 24th
I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for
beetles?" I asked the clerk. "No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."
***
"Interns scare me. They're too young. How can you have con-
fidence in a doctor who has his rubber gloves pinned to his
sleeves?" --Joan Rivers
***
"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL
CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm
not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an
aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled
with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness
with humor.
"I'm here to do my postnatal exercises,"
The instructor gave me an appraising look. "How old is your
baby?"
"Twenty-six," I replied.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My friend Monica is an accomplished harpist, who frequently
plays for weddings, reception, parties, and other such
events. She is also blond and has an appropriately cherubic
face.
She was on her way to an engagement at a hotel, and stepped
into an elevator with her large golden harp. Just before
the doors closed, a distinguished gray- haired man stepped
on.
As the elevator rose, he looked thoughtfully first at her
and then her harp and asked, "And just how far up are you
going?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof
of the existence of a new chemical element. A major
research institution has recently announced the discovery
of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new
element has been named Governmentium (Gv)- it has
one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons,
and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.These 312 particles are held together by forces called
morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons.Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected, because it impedes every
action with which it comes into contact. A minute
amount of Governmentium can cause an action that
would normally take less than a second to take over
four days to complete.Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It
does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization
in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each
re-organization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes.This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium - an element that radiates just as much
energy as Governmentium since it has half as many
peons but twice as many morons.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Smart FishermenHow to bait smart fishermen…This one's a-lure-ing!
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, who offered them one wish each.The first fisherman said: “Double my I.Q.” so the mermaid did it and, to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.Then the second fisherman said: “Triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid did it. Amazingly, he started doing complex math problems he didn’t even know existed.The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q., but the mermaid asked, “Are you sure about that? It will change your whole life!”“Yes, yes,” replied the impatient fisherman, “quadruple my I.Q.”So the mermaid turned him into a woman.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Buying Grades
One day a professor was giving a big test to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to
wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the
tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached
a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per
point." The next class the professor handed the tests back
out.
This student got back his test and $64 change.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A wealthy lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Female Bumper Stickers
- Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen! - If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen! - Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off! - Out of estrogen, and I have a gun! - Guys have feelings too but... who cares? - Next mood swing: 6 minutes
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Job Benefits
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." "I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Thoughts To Change You Outlook
* A person who smiles in the face of adversity.....probably has a scapegoat. * Plagiarism saves time. * If at first you don't succeed, try management. * Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. * TEAMWORK.....means never having to take all the blame yourself. * Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. * INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
People who like this sort of thing will find this is the sort of thing they
like." - Richard Nixon
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Helpful Crook
Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.
They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"
One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?"
"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short."
beetles?" I asked the clerk. "No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."
***
"Interns scare me. They're too young. How can you have con-
fidence in a doctor who has his rubber gloves pinned to his
sleeves?" --Joan Rivers
***
"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL
CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm
not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an
aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled
with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness
with humor.
"I'm here to do my postnatal exercises,"
The instructor gave me an appraising look. "How old is your
baby?"
"Twenty-six," I replied.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My friend Monica is an accomplished harpist, who frequently
plays for weddings, reception, parties, and other such
events. She is also blond and has an appropriately cherubic
face.
She was on her way to an engagement at a hotel, and stepped
into an elevator with her large golden harp. Just before
the doors closed, a distinguished gray- haired man stepped
on.
As the elevator rose, he looked thoughtfully first at her
and then her harp and asked, "And just how far up are you
going?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof
of the existence of a new chemical element. A major
research institution has recently announced the discovery
of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new
element has been named Governmentium (Gv)- it has
one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons,
and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.These 312 particles are held together by forces called
morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons.Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected, because it impedes every
action with which it comes into contact. A minute
amount of Governmentium can cause an action that
would normally take less than a second to take over
four days to complete.Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It
does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization
in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each
re-organization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes.This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium - an element that radiates just as much
energy as Governmentium since it has half as many
peons but twice as many morons.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Smart FishermenHow to bait smart fishermen…This one's a-lure-ing!
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, who offered them one wish each.The first fisherman said: “Double my I.Q.” so the mermaid did it and, to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.Then the second fisherman said: “Triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid did it. Amazingly, he started doing complex math problems he didn’t even know existed.The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q., but the mermaid asked, “Are you sure about that? It will change your whole life!”“Yes, yes,” replied the impatient fisherman, “quadruple my I.Q.”So the mermaid turned him into a woman.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Buying Grades
One day a professor was giving a big test to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to
wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the
tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached
a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per
point." The next class the professor handed the tests back
out.
This student got back his test and $64 change.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A wealthy lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Female Bumper Stickers
- Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen! - If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen! - Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off! - Out of estrogen, and I have a gun! - Guys have feelings too but... who cares? - Next mood swing: 6 minutes
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Job Benefits
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." "I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Thoughts To Change You Outlook
* A person who smiles in the face of adversity.....probably has a scapegoat. * Plagiarism saves time. * If at first you don't succeed, try management. * Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. * TEAMWORK.....means never having to take all the blame yourself. * Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. * INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
People who like this sort of thing will find this is the sort of thing they
like." - Richard Nixon
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Helpful Crook
Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.
They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"
One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?"
"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short."
Friday, November 23, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 22nd
We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from
two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I
was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If
they could live here all those years, so can we!" my
husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero,
and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept
the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he
hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to
Florida for the winter."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Women's Bumper Stickers
- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it! - Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time! - Do not start with me. You will not win. - You have the right to remain silent. So please shut up. - All stressed out, and no one to choke!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Moth Man
A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch. "Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth" "Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?" "The light was on."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Psychic
I am not a believer in séances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest... I was arrested for striking a happy medium...
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Caller ID Is a Wonderful Thing
The local paper, which I don't bother to subscribe to since
I don't have a bird, calls every couple of weeks to try and
get me to subscribe. With Caller ID this becomes a perfect
opportunity. Here are some of the highlights.
Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.
Me: "OK I'll take a subscription, but I only want it on
weekends."
Them: "What?"
Me: "You want to sell me a subscription. I'll take it, but
only for Saturday and Sunday."
Them: "We only offer it Thursday through Sunday."
Me: "Oh then never mind."
I hang up.
Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.
Me: "I don't want a subscription"
Them: (silence) "What?"
Me: "You are calling to offer me a subscription. I don't
want one."
Them: (silence) "Uh... OK."
I hang up.
Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.
Me: "Hi! Is this Billy-Bob's Gun and Ammo Shop?"
Them: (silence)
Me: "I wanna buy a gun. You got any?"
Them: (silence)
I hang up.
Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.
Me: "Good afternoon, Gainesville Sun circulation department.
How may I help you?"
Them: (silence) "Umm... Sorry. Wrong number."
I hang up.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door,
there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch." She said, "Can I stay
here for a few days?"
"What did you tell her?"
"I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Nina was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver's license filling
out the forms, when she came to the line "Color of Hair", she put, "L'oreal
Preference 8 1/2B."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102. The Good Die Young.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Vow of Silence
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, at this monastery, we have all taken a vow of silence, you are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Chief Priest approached him and said, "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."
Brother John thought a moment and said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John," said the
Brother John looked at the Chief Priest and said, "Cold Food." He was assured that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office.
"You may say another two words today," offered the Chief Priest.
"I quit!" said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
HOW THE FIGHT STARTEDI rear-ended a car this morning.So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I'm not Happy"So, I look down at him and simply say, "Well, which one are you then?". . . And that's when the fight started . . .
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Pick OneOur family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisleone by one.Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said, "So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"
two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I
was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If
they could live here all those years, so can we!" my
husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero,
and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept
the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he
hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to
Florida for the winter."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Women's Bumper Stickers
- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it! - Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time! - Do not start with me. You will not win. - You have the right to remain silent. So please shut up. - All stressed out, and no one to choke!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Moth Man
A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch. "Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth" "Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?" "The light was on."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Psychic
I am not a believer in séances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest... I was arrested for striking a happy medium...
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Caller ID Is a Wonderful Thing
The local paper, which I don't bother to subscribe to since
I don't have a bird, calls every couple of weeks to try and
get me to subscribe. With Caller ID this becomes a perfect
opportunity. Here are some of the highlights.
Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.
Me: "OK I'll take a subscription, but I only want it on
weekends."
Them: "What?"
Me: "You want to sell me a subscription. I'll take it, but
only for Saturday and Sunday."
Them: "We only offer it Thursday through Sunday."
Me: "Oh then never mind."
I hang up.
Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.
Me: "I don't want a subscription"
Them: (silence) "What?"
Me: "You are calling to offer me a subscription. I don't
want one."
Them: (silence) "Uh... OK."
I hang up.
Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.
Me: "Hi! Is this Billy-Bob's Gun and Ammo Shop?"
Them: (silence)
Me: "I wanna buy a gun. You got any?"
Them: (silence)
I hang up.
Phone rings. I glance at the Caller ID and pick up the
phone.
Me: "Good afternoon, Gainesville Sun circulation department.
How may I help you?"
Them: (silence) "Umm... Sorry. Wrong number."
I hang up.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door,
there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch." She said, "Can I stay
here for a few days?"
"What did you tell her?"
"I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Nina was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver's license filling
out the forms, when she came to the line "Color of Hair", she put, "L'oreal
Preference 8 1/2B."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102. The Good Die Young.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Vow of Silence
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, at this monastery, we have all taken a vow of silence, you are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Chief Priest approached him and said, "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."
Brother John thought a moment and said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John," said the
Brother John looked at the Chief Priest and said, "Cold Food." He was assured that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office.
"You may say another two words today," offered the Chief Priest.
"I quit!" said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
HOW THE FIGHT STARTEDI rear-ended a car this morning.So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I'm not Happy"So, I look down at him and simply say, "Well, which one are you then?". . . And that's when the fight started . . .
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Pick OneOur family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisleone by one.Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said, "So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"
Thursday, November 22, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 22nd
Definitions For My Husband On Thanksgiving Day
PLAYBOOK: Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain
sight at all times. If the book gets moved, the game could
get ugly.
OFFSIDES: Silverware is to be set next to the plates -- off
to the side, dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in
a heap, for all to scramble for.
GAME TIME: This is when the food must all be on the table,
at the same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot)
so that the *teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the
coach to say the prayer.
TEAM SPIRIT: That which shall be upheld until the END of the
game. When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT
MARTHA saying that she's had enough to eat).
COMMERCIAL BREAKS: There will be NONE for us, until I deem
them totally necessary for my sanity, when you have made me
crazy!
PENALTIES: Will be given if there is no team spirit showing
and the game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due
to a certain *televised* football game engaging your
attention!
HOLDING: May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I
may pour gravy without staining my new silk blouse. And keep
in mind dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for
ransom ;).
TOUCHDOWNS: Please make them gentle when bowls are being
touched down on the table. Do not spike them, and do not
dance when the mission is complete!
FLAG ON THE PLAY: When something is spilled, PLEASE by all
means throw a towel down on it and mop it up!
RUSHING: What we will be doing a lot of!!
and last but not least...
GROOMING THE FIELD: Dear husband, if you help me through
this meal, as I know you will, I promise to RECRUIT new
players for the clean up and YES... in plenty of time for
you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like
she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
Did you hear what happened to the butcher? He backed into
a meat slicer and got a little behind in his work.
Village Dry Cleaners has relocated to High Street, right next
door to St. Joseph's Church. After March 1, Cleanliness Is
Next to Godliness.'
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ladies Bumper Stickers
- So many men, so few who can afford me - God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends - If they don't have chocolate in Heaven, I ain't going! - My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips - Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog - Coffee - Chocolate - Men... Some things are just better rich
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Snort Sniff Honk Snort
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!" He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighbourhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows. Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!" None of the reindeer stepped forward. Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own." Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Mother's Resolutions
- When I forget to go to the grocery store, I will not boil the macaroni necklaces my children made for me in preschool. - When I hear one of my children wake in the middle of the night, I will run upstairs to supervise before he relieves himself in the sink and then creeps into the bathtub to return to sleep. - I will pack the kids' lunch boxes the night before so I don't throw in a slab of frozen lasagna as they're running for the bus. "It'll defrost by lunch. If not, you can suck it like an ice pop." - I will resist the urge to explain to strangers why my son is wearing winter boots, a bathing suit bottom, and an inside-out and backward pajama top. I will be grateful that he is able to dress himself. - I will not tell my children that the Play-Doh dried up just because I don't feel like cleaning up after they use it, even though I know it means I'll spend the evening harvesting the colored stuff from the carpet fibers, chair cushions and the dog's fur. - I will always protect the rights of my children, especially their right to remain silent. -. I will learn to accept the outbursts and tantrums as a part of life. After all, I promised to love my husband for better or worse. - When my husband and I go to a restaurant without the kids, I will not roll up his sleeves or move the knives from his reach. I will not accompany him to the bathroom and remind him to wash his hands with soap. If my husband wants dessert at the end of the meal, I will not tell him it depends on his behavior.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
AMUSING QUOTE
"Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.~Katie Lette "
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants
to get.
The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and
pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's
screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it,
whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be
mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing
that already!" says the boss.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
BATHTUB TESTIt doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum on Thursday, Dan asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bath tub, then we offer ateaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said Dan ..."A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Dan, we’ll prepare you want a bed near the window"!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
At the RestaurantWe took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went to see the hostess about reserving a table.When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled."Doesn't she know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband."Worse," he replied, "she doesn't know what a phone both is."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding
an injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived
at the scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But
according to the local newspaper, the police report stated
that the dog was okay and "refused medical treatment."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in
hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my
daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese
symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she
begged.
"I won't" I promised. "By the way, what does that stand
for?"
"Honesty," she said.
PLAYBOOK: Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain
sight at all times. If the book gets moved, the game could
get ugly.
OFFSIDES: Silverware is to be set next to the plates -- off
to the side, dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in
a heap, for all to scramble for.
GAME TIME: This is when the food must all be on the table,
at the same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot)
so that the *teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the
coach to say the prayer.
TEAM SPIRIT: That which shall be upheld until the END of the
game. When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT
MARTHA saying that she's had enough to eat).
COMMERCIAL BREAKS: There will be NONE for us, until I deem
them totally necessary for my sanity, when you have made me
crazy!
PENALTIES: Will be given if there is no team spirit showing
and the game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due
to a certain *televised* football game engaging your
attention!
HOLDING: May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I
may pour gravy without staining my new silk blouse. And keep
in mind dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for
ransom ;).
TOUCHDOWNS: Please make them gentle when bowls are being
touched down on the table. Do not spike them, and do not
dance when the mission is complete!
FLAG ON THE PLAY: When something is spilled, PLEASE by all
means throw a towel down on it and mop it up!
RUSHING: What we will be doing a lot of!!
and last but not least...
GROOMING THE FIELD: Dear husband, if you help me through
this meal, as I know you will, I promise to RECRUIT new
players for the clean up and YES... in plenty of time for
you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like
she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
Did you hear what happened to the butcher? He backed into
a meat slicer and got a little behind in his work.
Village Dry Cleaners has relocated to High Street, right next
door to St. Joseph's Church. After March 1, Cleanliness Is
Next to Godliness.'
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ladies Bumper Stickers
- So many men, so few who can afford me - God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends - If they don't have chocolate in Heaven, I ain't going! - My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips - Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog - Coffee - Chocolate - Men... Some things are just better rich
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Snort Sniff Honk Snort
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!" He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighbourhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows. Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!" None of the reindeer stepped forward. Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own." Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Mother's Resolutions
- When I forget to go to the grocery store, I will not boil the macaroni necklaces my children made for me in preschool. - When I hear one of my children wake in the middle of the night, I will run upstairs to supervise before he relieves himself in the sink and then creeps into the bathtub to return to sleep. - I will pack the kids' lunch boxes the night before so I don't throw in a slab of frozen lasagna as they're running for the bus. "It'll defrost by lunch. If not, you can suck it like an ice pop." - I will resist the urge to explain to strangers why my son is wearing winter boots, a bathing suit bottom, and an inside-out and backward pajama top. I will be grateful that he is able to dress himself. - I will not tell my children that the Play-Doh dried up just because I don't feel like cleaning up after they use it, even though I know it means I'll spend the evening harvesting the colored stuff from the carpet fibers, chair cushions and the dog's fur. - I will always protect the rights of my children, especially their right to remain silent. -. I will learn to accept the outbursts and tantrums as a part of life. After all, I promised to love my husband for better or worse. - When my husband and I go to a restaurant without the kids, I will not roll up his sleeves or move the knives from his reach. I will not accompany him to the bathroom and remind him to wash his hands with soap. If my husband wants dessert at the end of the meal, I will not tell him it depends on his behavior.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
AMUSING QUOTE
"Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.~Katie Lette "
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants
to get.
The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and
pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's
screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it,
whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be
mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing
that already!" says the boss.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
BATHTUB TESTIt doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum on Thursday, Dan asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bath tub, then we offer ateaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said Dan ..."A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Dan, we’ll prepare you want a bed near the window"!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
At the RestaurantWe took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went to see the hostess about reserving a table.When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled."Doesn't she know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband."Worse," he replied, "she doesn't know what a phone both is."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding
an injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived
at the scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But
according to the local newspaper, the police report stated
that the dog was okay and "refused medical treatment."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in
hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my
daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese
symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she
begged.
"I won't" I promised. "By the way, what does that stand
for?"
"Honesty," she said.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 21st
Aesop's Fable - The Ant and the GrasshopperThe ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.Come winter, the ant is warm and well-fed.The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself! *****MODERN UPDATED VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.' Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer! The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs, and, having nothing left to payhis retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.The ant has disappeared in the snow.The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"ATM Correction"
My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1500 at a given time.
Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to argue," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanQuote
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands and then eat just one piece."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Illustration - "Forgiveness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of."
The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"
"No, she remembers everything."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was actually reported by a teacher) After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following... We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren. PRICELESS
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Car TroublesTwo guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared."There he is again," the passenger yelled.He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?""Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping."He's back!"The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"The lady at the bank asked, 'What do you want on your checks,
wildlife, scenery?' I said, 'I want a picture of a big, thick-
necked guy on my checks. A bouncer - that's what my checks are
going to be.'" -Bob Kubota
***
"No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra
$40 a week. I'm sure it was Einstein who first stated: Exp-
ense equals salary plus forty bucks." -Jeffrey Jena
***
"I fell in love once, and I thought she fell in love with me
too. Are you familiar with the situation? I sat with an en-
gagement ring, waiting for an answer. I was a single guy with
an engagement ring. It was like having a loaded gun laying
around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by ac-
cident." -Jake Johannsen
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed,
great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly
of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks
into an upscale cocktail lounge.
To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking
lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So
tell me, do I come here often?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"ATM Correction"
My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1500 at a given time.
Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to argue," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanQuote
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands and then eat just one piece."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Illustration - "Forgiveness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of."
The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"
"No, she remembers everything."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was actually reported by a teacher) After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following... We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren. PRICELESS
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Car TroublesTwo guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared."There he is again," the passenger yelled.He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?""Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping."He's back!"The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"The lady at the bank asked, 'What do you want on your checks,
wildlife, scenery?' I said, 'I want a picture of a big, thick-
necked guy on my checks. A bouncer - that's what my checks are
going to be.'" -Bob Kubota
***
"No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra
$40 a week. I'm sure it was Einstein who first stated: Exp-
ense equals salary plus forty bucks." -Jeffrey Jena
***
"I fell in love once, and I thought she fell in love with me
too. Are you familiar with the situation? I sat with an en-
gagement ring, waiting for an answer. I was a single guy with
an engagement ring. It was like having a loaded gun laying
around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by ac-
cident." -Jake Johannsen
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed,
great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly
of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks
into an upscale cocktail lounge.
To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking
lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So
tell me, do I come here often?"
Monday, November 19, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 19th
Pun Contest
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Diet WorkshopEveryone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Dad's are born without the sympathy gene. You can break your
leg, hobble into your house, and all your dad will do is look
over the paper and grumble, 'Shake it off!'" --Robert G. Lee
***
"My mom used to tell me not to eat so fast because it wasn't
good for me. So I put a strobe light over the table."
--Nick Arnette
***
"When it came to spankings, my dad never used a belt. One
time he grabbed a piece of my Hot Wheels race car track. In
my mind I'm thinking, 'Great, now I'm being beaten with my
own toys...' Thank God I didn't get that wood burning set I
wanted." --Scott Wood
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Because an increasing number of people are having heart
attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are
now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are
computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock
needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're
at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across
the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year
at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening
a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought
I was serious).
Her and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said
I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison
dishes. I was going to call it, "The Buck Stops Here," and
my slogan was going to be, "Bambi: You've seen the movie.
Now, eat the star!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Verge
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?" Another child said, "The Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. 9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall. 8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis. 7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet. 6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July. 5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!" 4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else. 3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department. 2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt. 1. You're sweatin' gravy.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Judge's Announcement
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. "The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. "In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Hunting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies," he responded. "Oh!, Killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How To Get That Fabulous Job
Arrive fashionably late.
Greet the interviewer as casually as you would your friends, like "Wass up?"
Bring a relative or pet with you.
If it's summer time, wear very little clothing so you can stay cool.
Also, wear bright, flashy colors, lots of jewelry, and extra cologne or
perfume to keep the mosquitoes away.
Play it cool by showing no enthusiasm for the job.
Or act desperate, like you'll take any job.
Ask about pay, vacation, coffee breaks and other things the company can do
for you, right off the bat.
Brag about how many interviews and job offers you have lined up.
Always interrupt the interview to take cell-phone calls from your bookie or
pimp.
Shuffle through important papers, work samples and such so you look
important.
Eating, drinking, or smoking is a great "icebreaker!" Don't forget to share.
Occasionally, fidget or squirm to stay awake.
Tell the interviewer you intend to go after his or her job.
Knowing little to nothing about the company or job description will give you
extra things to talk about, so play dumb.
Ask for a salary upfront.
Make statements or ask questions that reveal negative, underlying
implications, such as, "What happens if I'm late a lot?"
Criticize a former employer, coworker or boss to show them you're tough.
Stop the interview early, to make it to another on time. This shows them you
are a "hot" prospect.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Official Mom Restraining Order
1. When at mall, Mom will remain no fewer than ten feet from teen at all
times.
2. When at movie theater, Mom will not sit closer than four seats in any
direction from teen.
3. Mom will not emerge from house nor appear at window when school bus is
arriving.
4. If Mom accompanies teen and friend(s) to restaurant, Mom must sit at
separate table.
5. On the off-chance that Mom is in the school building at the same time as
teen, she must not in any way acknowledge existence of teen.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." - Kin Hubbard
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs." Picture this:All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tri ed to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!True story... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR. A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Diet WorkshopEveryone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Dad's are born without the sympathy gene. You can break your
leg, hobble into your house, and all your dad will do is look
over the paper and grumble, 'Shake it off!'" --Robert G. Lee
***
"My mom used to tell me not to eat so fast because it wasn't
good for me. So I put a strobe light over the table."
--Nick Arnette
***
"When it came to spankings, my dad never used a belt. One
time he grabbed a piece of my Hot Wheels race car track. In
my mind I'm thinking, 'Great, now I'm being beaten with my
own toys...' Thank God I didn't get that wood burning set I
wanted." --Scott Wood
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Because an increasing number of people are having heart
attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are
now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are
computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock
needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're
at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across
the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year
at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening
a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought
I was serious).
Her and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said
I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison
dishes. I was going to call it, "The Buck Stops Here," and
my slogan was going to be, "Bambi: You've seen the movie.
Now, eat the star!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Verge
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?" Another child said, "The Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. 9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall. 8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis. 7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet. 6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July. 5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!" 4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else. 3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department. 2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt. 1. You're sweatin' gravy.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Judge's Announcement
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. "The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. "In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Hunting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies," he responded. "Oh!, Killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How To Get That Fabulous Job
Arrive fashionably late.
Greet the interviewer as casually as you would your friends, like "Wass up?"
Bring a relative or pet with you.
If it's summer time, wear very little clothing so you can stay cool.
Also, wear bright, flashy colors, lots of jewelry, and extra cologne or
perfume to keep the mosquitoes away.
Play it cool by showing no enthusiasm for the job.
Or act desperate, like you'll take any job.
Ask about pay, vacation, coffee breaks and other things the company can do
for you, right off the bat.
Brag about how many interviews and job offers you have lined up.
Always interrupt the interview to take cell-phone calls from your bookie or
pimp.
Shuffle through important papers, work samples and such so you look
important.
Eating, drinking, or smoking is a great "icebreaker!" Don't forget to share.
Occasionally, fidget or squirm to stay awake.
Tell the interviewer you intend to go after his or her job.
Knowing little to nothing about the company or job description will give you
extra things to talk about, so play dumb.
Ask for a salary upfront.
Make statements or ask questions that reveal negative, underlying
implications, such as, "What happens if I'm late a lot?"
Criticize a former employer, coworker or boss to show them you're tough.
Stop the interview early, to make it to another on time. This shows them you
are a "hot" prospect.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Official Mom Restraining Order
1. When at mall, Mom will remain no fewer than ten feet from teen at all
times.
2. When at movie theater, Mom will not sit closer than four seats in any
direction from teen.
3. Mom will not emerge from house nor appear at window when school bus is
arriving.
4. If Mom accompanies teen and friend(s) to restaurant, Mom must sit at
separate table.
5. On the off-chance that Mom is in the school building at the same time as
teen, she must not in any way acknowledge existence of teen.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." - Kin Hubbard
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs." Picture this:All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tri ed to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!True story... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR. A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 18th
Those who don't know
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Actual Medical Chart Notes
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. - The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. - The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. - Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. - Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. - The patient refused autopsy. - The patient has no previous history of suicides. - Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. - Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days. - Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. - She is numb from her toes down. - While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Math
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
+++++++++++++++++++
Blood Race
The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood. After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well. As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel. Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Basement Pitch"
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes."- Mel Brooks
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Integrity" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was playing in a golf tournament with a longtime Big Ten basketball official who just retired.He was recollecting the first time he refereed in Bloomington, IN at Indiana University. As he told it .............
“I was very nervous. It was my first time in Bloomington and my first time refereeing a game with Bobby Knight. I was very nervous and was trying so hard to make every call right and equitable.“At the start of the second half, Indiana’s #23 positioned himself right next to me as we started play. I felt crowded so gave myself some extra room, but he stayed right with me! This went on for over 5 minutes…#23 closer to me than any opponentI couldn't seem to shake him.“At the under 16-minute time out, I approached the Indiana bench and said, ‘Coach Knight, I couldn't help but notice that #23 stays very close to me - it’s like he’s guarding me!"“Coach Knight looked at me and said, ‘Son, at half time I told that player to guard the man who was giving us the most trouble......................AND THAT’S YOU!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
+++++++++++++++++++
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a
woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was
calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
+++++++++++++++++++
"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind
souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." - Dave
Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
First Prize
A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Actual Medical Chart Notes
- The skin was moist and dry. - Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. - Patient was alert and unresponsive. - She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. - Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. - I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. - The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. - The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. - Skin: somewhat pale but present. - The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. - Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. - Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. - She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night. - Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
+++++++++++++++++++
No leak
That's not a leak, my car's just marking its territory!
+++++++++++++++++++
Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?” After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!” At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Actual Medical Chart Notes
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. - The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. - The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. - Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. - Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. - The patient refused autopsy. - The patient has no previous history of suicides. - Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. - Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days. - Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. - She is numb from her toes down. - While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Math
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
+++++++++++++++++++
Blood Race
The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood. After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well. As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel. Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Basement Pitch"
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes."- Mel Brooks
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Integrity" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was playing in a golf tournament with a longtime Big Ten basketball official who just retired.He was recollecting the first time he refereed in Bloomington, IN at Indiana University. As he told it .............
“I was very nervous. It was my first time in Bloomington and my first time refereeing a game with Bobby Knight. I was very nervous and was trying so hard to make every call right and equitable.“At the start of the second half, Indiana’s #23 positioned himself right next to me as we started play. I felt crowded so gave myself some extra room, but he stayed right with me! This went on for over 5 minutes…#23 closer to me than any opponentI couldn't seem to shake him.“At the under 16-minute time out, I approached the Indiana bench and said, ‘Coach Knight, I couldn't help but notice that #23 stays very close to me - it’s like he’s guarding me!"“Coach Knight looked at me and said, ‘Son, at half time I told that player to guard the man who was giving us the most trouble......................AND THAT’S YOU!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
+++++++++++++++++++
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a
woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was
calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
+++++++++++++++++++
"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind
souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." - Dave
Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
First Prize
A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Actual Medical Chart Notes
- The skin was moist and dry. - Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. - Patient was alert and unresponsive. - She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. - Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. - I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. - The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. - The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. - Skin: somewhat pale but present. - The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. - Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. - Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. - She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night. - Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
+++++++++++++++++++
No leak
That's not a leak, my car's just marking its territory!
+++++++++++++++++++
Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?” After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!” At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”
Saturday, November 17, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 17th
Insurance Salesman"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." Nothing else."We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?""I could not swim," my cousin replied.He got the job.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Human KindnessThis will warm even the coldest heart...
[This letter was sent to the principal's office after his Florida middle school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you...]Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and l live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Human KindnessThis will warm even the coldest heart...
[This letter was sent to the principal's office after his Florida middle school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you...]Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and l live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Scottish WaterScotsman lending a helping hand to a Brit?Don't mess with the Scots...
A man was walking through the hills and dales of Scotland.He stopped for a drink at a mountain stream.An old shepherd shouted to him, “Dinna take a draught oot o the riffle, laddie; 'tis poorly wi' the dregs o ma cattle.” (Translation: don't drink the water, sir; it's full of cow dung)The man said, “I'll have you know I'm English. Please address me with the English language, you heathen.”The shepherd replied, “I said use both hands. You will be able to get more in your mouth.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How To Feel BetterStart each day off with a positive outlook...
1. Open a new file in your computer.2. Name it “Hillary Rodham Clinton”.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Click on “Empty the Recycle Bin”.5. Your PC will ask you, “Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?”6. Firmly Click, “Yes.”7. Feel better.PS - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi...
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Outhouse DisposalUp a creek without a paddle?
Little Vernie lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and Little Vernie hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Vernie determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Little Vernie decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, Little Vernie asked why.The dad replied, Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?Little Vernie answered yes.Then he thought a moment and said, Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.His dad replied, Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Grocery Bag Law
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Wedding Ceremony
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I want to become a lawyer ...
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?” “It's $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?” “That's my business! Get me the course!” Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?” In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer..."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped
electric
wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a Vern was trying to be a good citizan, he
guarded a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of
a downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of
this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from
the main electric circuit, as he entered his car for his return to
warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to
protect the public.
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the
wires, then, laughing, descended toward me."Mr. Allen," one of them
said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all
night."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says, "You weren't home last
night. Is something going on?"
I say, "Yeah, Mom. I'm cheating on you with another mother."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Human KindnessThis will warm even the coldest heart...
[This letter was sent to the principal's office after his Florida middle school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you...]Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and l live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Human KindnessThis will warm even the coldest heart...
[This letter was sent to the principal's office after his Florida middle school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you...]Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and l live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Scottish WaterScotsman lending a helping hand to a Brit?Don't mess with the Scots...
A man was walking through the hills and dales of Scotland.He stopped for a drink at a mountain stream.An old shepherd shouted to him, “Dinna take a draught oot o the riffle, laddie; 'tis poorly wi' the dregs o ma cattle.” (Translation: don't drink the water, sir; it's full of cow dung)The man said, “I'll have you know I'm English. Please address me with the English language, you heathen.”The shepherd replied, “I said use both hands. You will be able to get more in your mouth.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How To Feel BetterStart each day off with a positive outlook...
1. Open a new file in your computer.2. Name it “Hillary Rodham Clinton”.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Click on “Empty the Recycle Bin”.5. Your PC will ask you, “Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?”6. Firmly Click, “Yes.”7. Feel better.PS - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi...
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Outhouse DisposalUp a creek without a paddle?
Little Vernie lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and Little Vernie hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Vernie determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Little Vernie decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, Little Vernie asked why.The dad replied, Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?Little Vernie answered yes.Then he thought a moment and said, Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.His dad replied, Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Grocery Bag Law
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Wedding Ceremony
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I want to become a lawyer ...
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?” “It's $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?” “That's my business! Get me the course!” Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?” In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer..."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped
electric
wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a Vern was trying to be a good citizan, he
guarded a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of
a downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of
this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from
the main electric circuit, as he entered his car for his return to
warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to
protect the public.
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the
wires, then, laughing, descended toward me."Mr. Allen," one of them
said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all
night."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says, "You weren't home last
night. Is something going on?"
I say, "Yeah, Mom. I'm cheating on you with another mother."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)