Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 28th
A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking
hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small
piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.
"Speak!" she said to the dog.
The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know
what to say!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Back To School
After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to
return to college and get the degree I had started but never
finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with
anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front
row seat in my first class in over 40 years--a literature
course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading
five books over the course of the semester, and that he
would provide us with a list of authors from which we could
choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and
began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I
felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just
taking attendance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
New Math?
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
+++++++++++++++++++
We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Unscheduled Outage
It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits. "Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech. Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over. The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!"
+++++++++++++++++++
More Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. - You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. - You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. - The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. - Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. - It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. - You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. - Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. - When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. - You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
+++++++++++++++++++
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a
local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area
outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and
stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two
flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently
processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The
computer is over there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud to
his friend waiting for him in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new
man!"
"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home to
the same old one."
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was in my twenties, not shaving for a few days gave me a cool Don
Johnson/"Miami Vice" look. Now that I'm in my forties, though, it tends to
make me look more like Otis from Mayberry. - Tom Gray
+++++++++++++++++++
START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better?
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Homework Problem"
One of my third-graders came to school crying. "Jonathan's upset because he couldn't complete his math homework," his mother explained.
"Why's that?" I asked.
"Apparently," she said, "our computer doesn't have Roman numerals."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip."
+++++++++++++++++++
"For Better, For Worse" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."
"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.
"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dalmatian Duties
A carpool mom was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Tide...
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small
piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.
"Speak!" she said to the dog.
The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know
what to say!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Back To School
After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to
return to college and get the degree I had started but never
finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with
anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front
row seat in my first class in over 40 years--a literature
course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading
five books over the course of the semester, and that he
would provide us with a list of authors from which we could
choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and
began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I
felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just
taking attendance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
New Math?
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
+++++++++++++++++++
We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Unscheduled Outage
It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits. "Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech. Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over. The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!"
+++++++++++++++++++
More Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. - You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. - You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. - The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. - Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. - It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. - You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. - Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. - When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. - You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
+++++++++++++++++++
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a
local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area
outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and
stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two
flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently
processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The
computer is over there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud to
his friend waiting for him in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new
man!"
"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home to
the same old one."
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was in my twenties, not shaving for a few days gave me a cool Don
Johnson/"Miami Vice" look. Now that I'm in my forties, though, it tends to
make me look more like Otis from Mayberry. - Tom Gray
+++++++++++++++++++
START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better?
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Homework Problem"
One of my third-graders came to school crying. "Jonathan's upset because he couldn't complete his math homework," his mother explained.
"Why's that?" I asked.
"Apparently," she said, "our computer doesn't have Roman numerals."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip."
+++++++++++++++++++
"For Better, For Worse" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."
"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.
"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dalmatian Duties
A carpool mom was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Tide...
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 27
rookie pitcher
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman follows her husband
A woman followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Child's Perspective on Retirement
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. "They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. "They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. "At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. "My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. "My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
"An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from the playground.
They're afraid that the game could affect children's self esteem. This also
could prevent the spread of 'kooties'." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
QuestionnaireAn Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number." --David Letterman "Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is now being accused of having oral sex at a train station. When asked about it, Craig said, 'What can I say? I love public transportation.'" --Conan O'Brien "Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled." --Jay Leno "Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.'" --Conan O'Brien "In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans." --Jay Leno "Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, "I Love Obama." Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered." --Conan O'Brien "Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode." --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Smoke Detector
The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
+++++++++++++++++++
Better Grades
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." - Johann Sebastian
Bach
+++++++++++++++++++
”Dead Horse Theory”
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course:
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pupil's Question"
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The world's full of apathy, but I don't care."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bird-Hater"
A bird-hater went to the beach with a pocket full of pebbles to throw at them.
He left no tern unstoned.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear
gas to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear
gas in New Jersey? Air freshener." -Jay Leno
***
"According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-
tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can."
-Dave Letterman
***
"It's been rumored that Britney Spears will appear on the
Emmy Awards to apologize for her performance on the MTV
Awards. Then Britney will appear on the Grammys to apologize
for her performance at the Emmys." -Conan O'Brien
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman follows her husband
A woman followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Child's Perspective on Retirement
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. "They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. "They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. "At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. "My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. "My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
"An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from the playground.
They're afraid that the game could affect children's self esteem. This also
could prevent the spread of 'kooties'." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
QuestionnaireAn Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number." --David Letterman "Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is now being accused of having oral sex at a train station. When asked about it, Craig said, 'What can I say? I love public transportation.'" --Conan O'Brien "Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled." --Jay Leno "Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.'" --Conan O'Brien "In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans." --Jay Leno "Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, "I Love Obama." Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered." --Conan O'Brien "Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode." --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Smoke Detector
The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
+++++++++++++++++++
Better Grades
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." - Johann Sebastian
Bach
+++++++++++++++++++
”Dead Horse Theory”
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course:
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pupil's Question"
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The world's full of apathy, but I don't care."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bird-Hater"
A bird-hater went to the beach with a pocket full of pebbles to throw at them.
He left no tern unstoned.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear
gas to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear
gas in New Jersey? Air freshener." -Jay Leno
***
"According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-
tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can."
-Dave Letterman
***
"It's been rumored that Britney Spears will appear on the
Emmy Awards to apologize for her performance on the MTV
Awards. Then Britney will appear on the Grammys to apologize
for her performance at the Emmys." -Conan O'Brien
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 26th
"Formula Cheat"
During an examination, the student was not able to answer the question so he copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'.
He didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer to 'timber(1+x)'.
+++++++++++++++++++
Berle MarriagesIn 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?"Because," Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
Fair Play
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cafeteria Food
When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Famous Civil War battle sites
A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. “Here,” he points out at one spot, “is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers.” A tourist says, “Didn't the North ever win a battle?” “Yes, ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Ski Trip
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross." Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed when my own dog developed
a bad habit. Every time I hung my wash out on the clothesline, she would
yank it down.
Drastic action was called for.
I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited. Each time she pulled it
off, I scolded her. After two weeks the towel was untouched. Then I hung out
a large wash and left to do some errands.
When I came home, my clean clothes were scattered all over the yard. On the
line was the white kitchen towel.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on
it. They are:
a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into
it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!
Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.
I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring
you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.
+++++++++++++++++++
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
+++++++++++++++++++
Prayer
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
+++++++++++++++++++
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood...
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
+++++++++++++++++++
Impressions
A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks." When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Maserati
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down. Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed. I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?" There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
+++++++++++++++++++
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really
begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely
exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged.
"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there
earlier."
+++++++++++++++++++
The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the
yard foreman opened the door. "Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing
to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.
"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our company's."
"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap,
and the van's causing everyone to slow down."
+++++++++++++++++++
Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy?
During an examination, the student was not able to answer the question so he copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'.
He didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer to 'timber(1+x)'.
+++++++++++++++++++
Berle MarriagesIn 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?"Because," Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
Fair Play
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cafeteria Food
When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Famous Civil War battle sites
A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. “Here,” he points out at one spot, “is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers.” A tourist says, “Didn't the North ever win a battle?” “Yes, ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Ski Trip
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross." Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed when my own dog developed
a bad habit. Every time I hung my wash out on the clothesline, she would
yank it down.
Drastic action was called for.
I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited. Each time she pulled it
off, I scolded her. After two weeks the towel was untouched. Then I hung out
a large wash and left to do some errands.
When I came home, my clean clothes were scattered all over the yard. On the
line was the white kitchen towel.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on
it. They are:
a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into
it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!
Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.
I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring
you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.
+++++++++++++++++++
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
+++++++++++++++++++
Prayer
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
+++++++++++++++++++
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood...
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
+++++++++++++++++++
Impressions
A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks." When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Maserati
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down. Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed. I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?" There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
+++++++++++++++++++
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really
begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely
exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged.
"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there
earlier."
+++++++++++++++++++
The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the
yard foreman opened the door. "Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing
to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.
"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our company's."
"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap,
and the van's causing everyone to slow down."
+++++++++++++++++++
Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy?
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 25th
"A tornado touched down, uprooting a large tree in the front yard and
demolishing the house across the street. Dad went to the door, opened it,
surveyed the damage, muttered, '(Dang) kids' and closed the door." - Tom
Conway
+++++++++++++++++++
Mixed Results
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's clothing."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
+++++++++++++++++++
THE MUSTARD STORY
This is a true story. You have children so you will probably relate to this father.
I love mustard. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poop-on.'
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cell Phone Find"
An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.
Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"
"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lancelot Bed Attire"
What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?
A knight-gown.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Police Comments”
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
+++++++++++++++++++
BBQ RulesIt is BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:Routine...(1) The woman buys the food.(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.Here comes the important part:(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.More routine....(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.Important again:(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.More routine....(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.And most important of all:(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
+++++++++++++++++++
Billy Bob's Mule
Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered. The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died." "I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends." "Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule."
+++++++++++++++++++
Last will & testament of a farmer
I LEAVE: To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it. To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments. To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway. To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past. To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them. To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years. To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me. To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now. To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough. And lastly To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
+++++++++++++++++++
Passwords
This consultant is working on a Web development project for a client, and he's also got a nontechnical intern to keep busy. Fortunately, that's a solution, not a problem. "Part of the project included setting up about 150 user accounts for the client's customers to log in to a secure portion of the site and download their reports," says the consultant. "Setting up 150 user accounts seemed like a simple enough job, would keep our intern busy and took a task off my plate. I gave him a list of usernames and showed him how to set up accounts on the server." In fact, he gives the intern some further guidance. From past experience, he knows that passwords consisting of random letters and numbers make security gurus happy but drive users crazy -- either users can't remember the gibberish passwords or they constantly mistype them. He explains all this to the intern and instructs him to create passwords that consist of a word from the dictionary, followed by two or three digits. Next day, the consultant checks with intern to make sure the job is complete. The intern shows him the list of passwords. And sure enough, he's done exactly what the consultant suggested -- with one extra twist. "Rather than creating passwords like 'book345' or 'house57,' he instead found a list of the 200 most commonly misspelled words to generate the passwords," the consultant groans. "Being under a tight deadline, there was no time to create new passwords and test them. So we launched the Web site and gave the users their passwords. As expected, we fielded numerous support calls from users trying to enter passwords such as 'accommodate85' and 'asphyxiate33.' "
demolishing the house across the street. Dad went to the door, opened it,
surveyed the damage, muttered, '(Dang) kids' and closed the door." - Tom
Conway
+++++++++++++++++++
Mixed Results
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's clothing."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
+++++++++++++++++++
THE MUSTARD STORY
This is a true story. You have children so you will probably relate to this father.
I love mustard. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poop-on.'
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cell Phone Find"
An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.
Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"
"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lancelot Bed Attire"
What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?
A knight-gown.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Police Comments”
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
+++++++++++++++++++
BBQ RulesIt is BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:Routine...(1) The woman buys the food.(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.Here comes the important part:(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.More routine....(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.Important again:(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.More routine....(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.And most important of all:(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
+++++++++++++++++++
Billy Bob's Mule
Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered. The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died." "I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends." "Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule."
+++++++++++++++++++
Last will & testament of a farmer
I LEAVE: To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it. To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments. To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway. To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past. To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them. To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years. To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me. To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now. To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough. And lastly To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
+++++++++++++++++++
Passwords
This consultant is working on a Web development project for a client, and he's also got a nontechnical intern to keep busy. Fortunately, that's a solution, not a problem. "Part of the project included setting up about 150 user accounts for the client's customers to log in to a secure portion of the site and download their reports," says the consultant. "Setting up 150 user accounts seemed like a simple enough job, would keep our intern busy and took a task off my plate. I gave him a list of usernames and showed him how to set up accounts on the server." In fact, he gives the intern some further guidance. From past experience, he knows that passwords consisting of random letters and numbers make security gurus happy but drive users crazy -- either users can't remember the gibberish passwords or they constantly mistype them. He explains all this to the intern and instructs him to create passwords that consist of a word from the dictionary, followed by two or three digits. Next day, the consultant checks with intern to make sure the job is complete. The intern shows him the list of passwords. And sure enough, he's done exactly what the consultant suggested -- with one extra twist. "Rather than creating passwords like 'book345' or 'house57,' he instead found a list of the 200 most commonly misspelled words to generate the passwords," the consultant groans. "Being under a tight deadline, there was no time to create new passwords and test them. So we launched the Web site and gave the users their passwords. As expected, we fielded numerous support calls from users trying to enter passwords such as 'accommodate85' and 'asphyxiate33.' "
Monday, September 24, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 24th
A Cat's Dictionary
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human being: Automatic door opener for cats. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines. Purrson: A male kitty. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
+++++++++++++++++++
While touring the University with some college-bound friends, I saw an
advertisement that summed up the pre-college anxieties we were all feeling.
Posted in a campus restaurant was this sign for a credit-card company:
"Accepted at more colleges than you were."
+++++++++++++++++++
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting
room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half,
shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into
the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking
completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little
old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now
you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
+++++++++++++++++++
Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kidneys and Livers
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment." "So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend. "Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
+++++++++++++++++++
Airport Mix-Up
During the 'rush hour' at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, 'We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.' A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. 'Sorry,' he said, wrong plane.'
+++++++++++++++++++
Obvious relationship
Science has a language of its own which sometimes puzzles laymen. The word "obvious" is a case in point. A professor of physics, deriving some profound point of theory for the class, scribbled an equation on the board and said, "From this, it is obvious that we can proceed to write the following relationship..." and he scribbled a second and equally long equation on the board. Then he paused. He stared hard at the two equations and said, "Wait a minute, I may be wrong..." He sat down and began to write at his desk furiously, crossing out and rewriting for five minutes while the class sat in absolute silence waiting for the verdict. Finally, the professor rose with an air of satisfaction and said, "Yes, I was right in the first place. It *IS* obvious that the second equation follows from the first."
+++++++++++++++++++
Thoughts On Aging
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two. - You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. - Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. - Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds? - You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. - Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. - By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. - A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. - You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
+++++++++++++++++++
Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to
fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His
brother, of course, agreed.
It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle,
however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the
deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the
service.
As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he
nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
Never do anything that you'd be ashamed to tell a paramedic.
+++++++++++++++++++
"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and
swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his
situation say so far, no change." --Jay Leno
***
"A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish
- the language that is spoken in 'The Lord of The Rings'. Not
surprisingly the Elvish language has no words for girl, date
or kiss." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The man responsible for making popcorn a movie theater snack
has passed away. His family was going to get him a regular
casket, but then decided to get the extra large one was the
better deal because it came with a medium Coke."
--David Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a
Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install
them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are
"not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy
slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't
initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a
Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks
appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work,
and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to
format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for
the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the
earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks,
"Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them
aimed at themselves."
+++++++++++++++++++
Service for One
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found
only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked
to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming,
so we should probably cancel service today"
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young
preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout
preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I
went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed
'em"
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45
minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the
pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much
bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if
I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't
give 'em the whole bale."
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human being: Automatic door opener for cats. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines. Purrson: A male kitty. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
+++++++++++++++++++
While touring the University with some college-bound friends, I saw an
advertisement that summed up the pre-college anxieties we were all feeling.
Posted in a campus restaurant was this sign for a credit-card company:
"Accepted at more colleges than you were."
+++++++++++++++++++
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting
room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half,
shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into
the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking
completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little
old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now
you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
+++++++++++++++++++
Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kidneys and Livers
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment." "So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend. "Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
+++++++++++++++++++
Airport Mix-Up
During the 'rush hour' at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, 'We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.' A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. 'Sorry,' he said, wrong plane.'
+++++++++++++++++++
Obvious relationship
Science has a language of its own which sometimes puzzles laymen. The word "obvious" is a case in point. A professor of physics, deriving some profound point of theory for the class, scribbled an equation on the board and said, "From this, it is obvious that we can proceed to write the following relationship..." and he scribbled a second and equally long equation on the board. Then he paused. He stared hard at the two equations and said, "Wait a minute, I may be wrong..." He sat down and began to write at his desk furiously, crossing out and rewriting for five minutes while the class sat in absolute silence waiting for the verdict. Finally, the professor rose with an air of satisfaction and said, "Yes, I was right in the first place. It *IS* obvious that the second equation follows from the first."
+++++++++++++++++++
Thoughts On Aging
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two. - You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. - Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. - Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds? - You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. - Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. - By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. - A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. - You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
+++++++++++++++++++
Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to
fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His
brother, of course, agreed.
It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle,
however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the
deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the
service.
As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he
nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
Never do anything that you'd be ashamed to tell a paramedic.
+++++++++++++++++++
"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and
swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his
situation say so far, no change." --Jay Leno
***
"A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish
- the language that is spoken in 'The Lord of The Rings'. Not
surprisingly the Elvish language has no words for girl, date
or kiss." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The man responsible for making popcorn a movie theater snack
has passed away. His family was going to get him a regular
casket, but then decided to get the extra large one was the
better deal because it came with a medium Coke."
--David Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a
Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install
them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are
"not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy
slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't
initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a
Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks
appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work,
and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to
format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for
the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the
earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks,
"Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them
aimed at themselves."
+++++++++++++++++++
Service for One
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found
only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked
to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming,
so we should probably cancel service today"
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young
preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout
preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I
went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed
'em"
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45
minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the
pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much
bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if
I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't
give 'em the whole bale."
Sunday, September 23, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 23rd
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our
marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle
from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our
minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit
to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to
extinguish our candles or leave them burning.
After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and
blow out hers?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to
marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of
his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
+++++++++++++++++++
I don't remember being absent minded.
+++++++++++++++++++
Gender Differences
A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes,there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Smuggler Prosecution"
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Smuggler Prosecution"
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Expectations"
Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.
"I guess so," answered the man.
"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?"
"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pack a ParachuteA photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically."Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno
***
"According to a national organization that studies obesity,
nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third
of the country. In other words, geographically, America has
a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the
Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything
they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood
coagulation. They are going back to flesh-eating maggots
and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them,
HMOs." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us
grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.
"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun,
but fuchsias thrive in the shade."
After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached
him.
"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.
Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added,
"I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."
+++++++++++++++++++
After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his Home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating Properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom Told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything Like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, He waved his hand at a row
of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tacklebox Lures
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her
mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many
samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it
was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and
show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other
cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I
told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
+++++++++++++++++++
Broken tuba?
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Happy Groom
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
+++++++++++++++++++
You can't take it with you
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering Machine Message - Just Kidding
Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?
marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle
from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our
minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit
to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to
extinguish our candles or leave them burning.
After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and
blow out hers?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to
marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of
his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
+++++++++++++++++++
I don't remember being absent minded.
+++++++++++++++++++
Gender Differences
A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes,there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Smuggler Prosecution"
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Smuggler Prosecution"
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Expectations"
Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.
"I guess so," answered the man.
"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?"
"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pack a ParachuteA photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically."Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno
***
"According to a national organization that studies obesity,
nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third
of the country. In other words, geographically, America has
a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the
Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything
they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood
coagulation. They are going back to flesh-eating maggots
and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them,
HMOs." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us
grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.
"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun,
but fuchsias thrive in the shade."
After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached
him.
"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.
Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added,
"I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."
+++++++++++++++++++
After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his Home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating Properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom Told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything Like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, He waved his hand at a row
of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tacklebox Lures
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her
mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many
samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it
was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and
show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other
cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I
told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
+++++++++++++++++++
Broken tuba?
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Happy Groom
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
+++++++++++++++++++
You can't take it with you
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering Machine Message - Just Kidding
Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?
Saturday, September 22, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 22nd
One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to
my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor
husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me!
My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard
me say a bad word about about him?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the
amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for
the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago),
but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for
her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed,
he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with
her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the
family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently
on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he
yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my
phone."
+++++++++++++++++++
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed
way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience
in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been
divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Auto Auction
The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit
charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No
Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered
windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a
cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and
dings and dents all over the body.
Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the
car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's
comments: "Please note - the radio does not work."
+++++++++++++++++++
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
BLOND GUYS There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rests, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today." LAWYERS Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
I AM STATIONED in an Airborne unit in Germany, where our drop zone is next to a Mercedes-Benz test track. One windy day a gust blew me over the track. Knowing how hard a landing on asphalt can be, I braced myself, landed and checked for broken bones. Amazingly, I was fine. Suddenly the wind reinflated my parachute and started dragging me. I hit the chute's canopy release and looked up just in time to see a car speeding straight toward me. I grabbed my chute and ran to the edge of the track. Out of breath, but uninjured, I thought, How lucky can I be? Then I turned, stepped in a gopher hole and twisted my ankle.
AT the maritime museum where I work, we occasionally use midshipmen to do the "dirty work" of restoring a 100-year-old cruiser. One day the Navy sent a crew of 20 men, while the Marines sent a crew of three. Teasing one Navy midshipman, I said, "You mean it takes twenty Navy guys to do the work of only three Marines?" "Sir, no, sir," he snapped back. "The truth is, sir, it takes six or seven of us to supervise each one of those Marines!"
LAST NIGHT, NO SLEEP
A woman in Keystone, Colo., woke up her husband at 4:00 a.m. saying their son was struggling with an intruder. Greg McMurray ran to his son's bedroom and confronted a man, later identified by police as Kristopher Zeller, 34. The 8-year- old boy broke from Zeller's grasp and his father then started work on persuading Zeller to leave by prodding him with a barbell. When that failed, he picked up a golf club and started hitting Zeller with it. Every time he knocked Zeller down he got back up. After breaking two clubs on the man, McMurray switched to an iron fireplace poker, which was bent out of shape by Zeller's head. Zeller finally left the residence and was captured nearby. "It's a very strange case," said sheriff John Minor. "I have no clue what this guy was thinking." TELLING SECRETS
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me." and... ARCHEOLOGICAL GROANER After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color. Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway. The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce,everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said: "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes." TIDBITS OF WIT Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enough time to do all their work. and... WARM UP WIT I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here.
GLORIOUS GIGGLES 1) Our accountant said that he was leaving to pursue an MBA. I later found out that meant Mexico, Brazil and Argentina. 2) Show me a man who walks with his head held high, and I'll show you a man who hasn't gotten used to his bifocals. 3) Today is an excellent day to find yourself. I suggest you start with the phone book. 4) Understanding modern art is like trying to figure out the plot in a bowl of alphabet soup. 5) Don't worry. Loud applause doesn't frighten me. 6) I stayed up until 4 a.m. with a great book. Once I started coloring, I found it hard to stop. 7) Today's Newsletter is being produced by Ron Meedy and Jeremy Oaker. This has been a Meady/Oaker production. 8) Some bank! Before I could make a with- drawal, I has to wait until someone came in and made a deposit. 9) Did you ever notice that in bookstores you'll find the diet and exercise books right between humor and fiction.
+++++++++++++++++++
Future Baseball Star
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.
+++++++++++++++++++
Slow Sammy
A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop's Grocery Store. Pop didn't know what Sammy's problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed. To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger. One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, "Son, don't you know they're making fun of you? They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" "No," Sammy said, "but if I took the dime they'd quit doing it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Red Lights
There are these two guys driving a car. When the guy driving blows right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!", the passenger said. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. Well, they continue to drive when the guy went flying through another stop light. "You ran ANOTHER stop light. You are going to get us killed!!!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time, the driver said. After a while they came to a green light when the guy stopped. "Why are you stopping?" The driver turned around and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A dog called Mace
A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time, because all it does is eat grass. He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time. One day He looses the wrench. He looks every where for it but can't find it. The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench. The man starts singing "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me".
my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor
husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me!
My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard
me say a bad word about about him?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the
amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for
the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago),
but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for
her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed,
he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with
her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the
family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently
on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he
yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my
phone."
+++++++++++++++++++
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed
way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience
in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been
divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Auto Auction
The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit
charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No
Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered
windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a
cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and
dings and dents all over the body.
Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the
car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's
comments: "Please note - the radio does not work."
+++++++++++++++++++
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
BLOND GUYS There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rests, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today." LAWYERS Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
I AM STATIONED in an Airborne unit in Germany, where our drop zone is next to a Mercedes-Benz test track. One windy day a gust blew me over the track. Knowing how hard a landing on asphalt can be, I braced myself, landed and checked for broken bones. Amazingly, I was fine. Suddenly the wind reinflated my parachute and started dragging me. I hit the chute's canopy release and looked up just in time to see a car speeding straight toward me. I grabbed my chute and ran to the edge of the track. Out of breath, but uninjured, I thought, How lucky can I be? Then I turned, stepped in a gopher hole and twisted my ankle.
AT the maritime museum where I work, we occasionally use midshipmen to do the "dirty work" of restoring a 100-year-old cruiser. One day the Navy sent a crew of 20 men, while the Marines sent a crew of three. Teasing one Navy midshipman, I said, "You mean it takes twenty Navy guys to do the work of only three Marines?" "Sir, no, sir," he snapped back. "The truth is, sir, it takes six or seven of us to supervise each one of those Marines!"
LAST NIGHT, NO SLEEP
A woman in Keystone, Colo., woke up her husband at 4:00 a.m. saying their son was struggling with an intruder. Greg McMurray ran to his son's bedroom and confronted a man, later identified by police as Kristopher Zeller, 34. The 8-year- old boy broke from Zeller's grasp and his father then started work on persuading Zeller to leave by prodding him with a barbell. When that failed, he picked up a golf club and started hitting Zeller with it. Every time he knocked Zeller down he got back up. After breaking two clubs on the man, McMurray switched to an iron fireplace poker, which was bent out of shape by Zeller's head. Zeller finally left the residence and was captured nearby. "It's a very strange case," said sheriff John Minor. "I have no clue what this guy was thinking." TELLING SECRETS
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me." and... ARCHEOLOGICAL GROANER After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color. Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway. The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce,everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said: "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes." TIDBITS OF WIT Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enough time to do all their work. and... WARM UP WIT I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here.
GLORIOUS GIGGLES 1) Our accountant said that he was leaving to pursue an MBA. I later found out that meant Mexico, Brazil and Argentina. 2) Show me a man who walks with his head held high, and I'll show you a man who hasn't gotten used to his bifocals. 3) Today is an excellent day to find yourself. I suggest you start with the phone book. 4) Understanding modern art is like trying to figure out the plot in a bowl of alphabet soup. 5) Don't worry. Loud applause doesn't frighten me. 6) I stayed up until 4 a.m. with a great book. Once I started coloring, I found it hard to stop. 7) Today's Newsletter is being produced by Ron Meedy and Jeremy Oaker. This has been a Meady/Oaker production. 8) Some bank! Before I could make a with- drawal, I has to wait until someone came in and made a deposit. 9) Did you ever notice that in bookstores you'll find the diet and exercise books right between humor and fiction.
+++++++++++++++++++
Future Baseball Star
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.
+++++++++++++++++++
Slow Sammy
A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop's Grocery Store. Pop didn't know what Sammy's problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed. To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger. One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, "Son, don't you know they're making fun of you? They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" "No," Sammy said, "but if I took the dime they'd quit doing it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Red Lights
There are these two guys driving a car. When the guy driving blows right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!", the passenger said. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. Well, they continue to drive when the guy went flying through another stop light. "You ran ANOTHER stop light. You are going to get us killed!!!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time, the driver said. After a while they came to a green light when the guy stopped. "Why are you stopping?" The driver turned around and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A dog called Mace
A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time, because all it does is eat grass. He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time. One day He looses the wrench. He looks every where for it but can't find it. The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench. The man starts singing "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me".
Friday, September 21, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 21st
"In a speech yesterday, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger
said that if Republicans want to win, they have to become
more like him. I think they're taking his advice, because
today Mitt Romney gave a speech with a half dozen walnuts in
his mouth." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The Emmy Awards were last night. It was a very tough night
for me. I will admit I got a little carried away with the
acceptance speech and started going on and on. But they
didn't have to kick me out of Hooters." -Dave Letterman
***
"A new article in 'Newsweek' is out talking about what it's
like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend who's an
atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are
a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don't
know why." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a
senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-
ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into
them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?"
I joked.
"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a
lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would
extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion
would blow out the match."
+++++++++++++++++++
Being CoolA young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on
the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said,
"Excuse me ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you
tell me where he is?"
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and
look for the pole with a worm on both ends."
+++++++++++++++++++
Final Exam
Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
+++++++++++++++++++
Who's Kenneth
Knock KnockWho's there?Kenneth!Kenneth who?Kenneth little kids play with you!
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman, a bus and a baby
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Freckles
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful." The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
+++++++++++++++++++
Better With Age
Two women were old friends. They had both been married to their husbands for a long time.
As they sat in the living room one day drinking coffee, as was their custom, one of them expressed concern because she thought her husband didn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't even bother to look at me!" she cried.
"I'm so sorry for you," replied the other, "As I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day."
"Yes," the distraught woman looked up, "but your husband's an antique dealer!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Driving Flash"
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it, so he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. Again, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool - her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Teller Postion"
First man: I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.Second man: I thought they just hired a new teller last week.First man: Right. That's the one they're looking for.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sleeping JurorA lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."The judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; you wake him up."
+++++++++++++++++++
"What really concerns me about these new "smart" appliances
is that even if we like the features, we won't be able to
use them. I don't know how to operate my TV, which requires
THREE remote controls. One control (44 buttons) came with
the TV; a second (39 buttons) came with the VCR; the third
(37 buttons) was brought here by the cable-TV man, who ap-
parently felt that I did not have enough buttons. So when
I want to watch TV, I'm confronted with a total of 120
buttons, identified by such helpful labels as PIP, MTS,
DBS, F2, JUMP and BLANK." -Dave Barry
***
"In a new book Mexico's former president, Vincente Fox, says
that President Bush's Spanish is at grade-school level.
Fortunately, Bush's feelings weren't hurt because Fox made
the comments in Spanish." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen
about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest
historical event that happened during your childhood?"
"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.
She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"
said that if Republicans want to win, they have to become
more like him. I think they're taking his advice, because
today Mitt Romney gave a speech with a half dozen walnuts in
his mouth." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The Emmy Awards were last night. It was a very tough night
for me. I will admit I got a little carried away with the
acceptance speech and started going on and on. But they
didn't have to kick me out of Hooters." -Dave Letterman
***
"A new article in 'Newsweek' is out talking about what it's
like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend who's an
atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are
a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don't
know why." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a
senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-
ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into
them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?"
I joked.
"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a
lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would
extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion
would blow out the match."
+++++++++++++++++++
Being CoolA young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on
the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said,
"Excuse me ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you
tell me where he is?"
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and
look for the pole with a worm on both ends."
+++++++++++++++++++
Final Exam
Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
+++++++++++++++++++
Who's Kenneth
Knock KnockWho's there?Kenneth!Kenneth who?Kenneth little kids play with you!
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman, a bus and a baby
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Freckles
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful." The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
+++++++++++++++++++
Better With Age
Two women were old friends. They had both been married to their husbands for a long time.
As they sat in the living room one day drinking coffee, as was their custom, one of them expressed concern because she thought her husband didn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't even bother to look at me!" she cried.
"I'm so sorry for you," replied the other, "As I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day."
"Yes," the distraught woman looked up, "but your husband's an antique dealer!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Driving Flash"
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it, so he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. Again, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool - her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Teller Postion"
First man: I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.Second man: I thought they just hired a new teller last week.First man: Right. That's the one they're looking for.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sleeping JurorA lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."The judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; you wake him up."
+++++++++++++++++++
"What really concerns me about these new "smart" appliances
is that even if we like the features, we won't be able to
use them. I don't know how to operate my TV, which requires
THREE remote controls. One control (44 buttons) came with
the TV; a second (39 buttons) came with the VCR; the third
(37 buttons) was brought here by the cable-TV man, who ap-
parently felt that I did not have enough buttons. So when
I want to watch TV, I'm confronted with a total of 120
buttons, identified by such helpful labels as PIP, MTS,
DBS, F2, JUMP and BLANK." -Dave Barry
***
"In a new book Mexico's former president, Vincente Fox, says
that President Bush's Spanish is at grade-school level.
Fortunately, Bush's feelings weren't hurt because Fox made
the comments in Spanish." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen
about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest
historical event that happened during your childhood?"
"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.
She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"
Thursday, September 20, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 20th
Sign Language
"A pedestrian is a person who should be seen and not hurt."
"Customers who think the waiter is rude should see the
manager."
"Sorry to needle you. We need your blood."
On a college president's door: "Closed. If it's something
important, see the custodian."
Municipal golf course sign: "Please don't find lost balls
until they stop rolling."
New Jersey tourist sign: "Come to beautiful Atlantic City
and see the bored walk."
Sign in a nut shop: "No credit cards here. Strictly cashew
and carry."
By some bananas in a fruit store: "Please don't tear us
apart. We grew up together."
In a barbershop window: "Cutting out for lunch."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie & the Devil
A Sunday school teacher asked Little Vernie, "Do you believe in the Devil?" "No," said Little Vernie. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."
+++++++++++++++++++
A witness to an automobile accident
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?” The witness: “Yes, sir.” The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?” The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.” The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?” The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Barbies
A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."
+++++++++++++++++++
Keeping Up
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "No! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here - see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out - I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Millionaire Refund
Millionaire Refund
A man bought a ticket and won the State lottery. He went to the State Capital to claim his prize and the clerk verified his ticket number.
The winner said, "I want my $20 million."
The clerk replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The man began to get upset and said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the clerk tried to explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The winner, furious with the clerk, screamed out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
+++++++++++++++++++
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Puzzled? Hmmm - I didn't get one, either!
+++++++++++++++++++
Learning ColorsLittle Vernie had learned his colors yet, so his teacher decided to test him. The teacher would point out something and ask what color it was. Vernie would his teacher , and always he was correct. But it was fun, so his teacher continued. At last Vernie headed for the door and said, "Mrs. Rath, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans
said they'd rather have Bill Clinton as their father than
President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away
with a lot more, don't you think? 'Look, I won't mention
you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home
late.'" --Jay Leno
***
"Last week President Bush created the world's largest pro-
tected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands
National Monument. It contains sea life that has inspired
some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart
***
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl
would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it
stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.
By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." --Gene Perret
+++++++++++++++++++
"A pedestrian is a person who should be seen and not hurt."
"Customers who think the waiter is rude should see the
manager."
"Sorry to needle you. We need your blood."
On a college president's door: "Closed. If it's something
important, see the custodian."
Municipal golf course sign: "Please don't find lost balls
until they stop rolling."
New Jersey tourist sign: "Come to beautiful Atlantic City
and see the bored walk."
Sign in a nut shop: "No credit cards here. Strictly cashew
and carry."
By some bananas in a fruit store: "Please don't tear us
apart. We grew up together."
In a barbershop window: "Cutting out for lunch."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie & the Devil
A Sunday school teacher asked Little Vernie, "Do you believe in the Devil?" "No," said Little Vernie. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."
+++++++++++++++++++
A witness to an automobile accident
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?” The witness: “Yes, sir.” The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?” The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.” The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?” The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Barbies
A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."
+++++++++++++++++++
Keeping Up
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "No! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here - see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out - I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Millionaire Refund
Millionaire Refund
A man bought a ticket and won the State lottery. He went to the State Capital to claim his prize and the clerk verified his ticket number.
The winner said, "I want my $20 million."
The clerk replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The man began to get upset and said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the clerk tried to explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The winner, furious with the clerk, screamed out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
+++++++++++++++++++
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Puzzled? Hmmm - I didn't get one, either!
+++++++++++++++++++
Learning ColorsLittle Vernie had learned his colors yet, so his teacher decided to test him. The teacher would point out something and ask what color it was. Vernie would his teacher , and always he was correct. But it was fun, so his teacher continued. At last Vernie headed for the door and said, "Mrs. Rath, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans
said they'd rather have Bill Clinton as their father than
President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away
with a lot more, don't you think? 'Look, I won't mention
you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home
late.'" --Jay Leno
***
"Last week President Bush created the world's largest pro-
tected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands
National Monument. It contains sea life that has inspired
some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart
***
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl
would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it
stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.
By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." --Gene Perret
+++++++++++++++++++
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 19th
My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office to get
our marriage license. After recording the vital information;
names, dates of birth, etc. the clerk handed me our license
and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."
+++++++++++++++++++
Help Is On The WayMy friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the computer workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently
mislaid by a co-worker. She sent the following email: "If
anybody can say where they lost $70, please let me know and
it will be returned to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2001."
+++++++++++++++++++
Heart Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running."
+++++++++++++++++++
911
911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the dispatcher asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Things To Ponder
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up." - Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"? - You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. - A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards? - The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed! - A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: "This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. ... Violators Will Be Toad."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiss per Yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle,
my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was
terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him
calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As a new employee for a discount brokerage firm, I went for a month of
classroom training. Warning us about the volume of information we were
required to memorize, one trainer suggested we make lots of notes on file
cards.
When I completed the course, I was assigned to a team where, as suggested, I
taped all the file cards, crammed with notes, onto my computer.
On my first day of trading, a veteran broker sat with me. He immediately
noticed all the cards, and my apprehension, so he promptly made up a new
card, which he taped to my computer.
It read "Breathe."
+++++++++++++++++++
"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife." -
Daniel Boone
+++++++++++++++++++
Census Taker
An elderly man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What are you selling young man?" he asked.
"I'm not selling anything," the young man said. I'm a census taker."
"A what?" the older man asked.
"A census taker... We are trying to find out how many people are in this country."
"Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea."
+++++++++++++++++++
Note PadWith four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a survey by Playboy magazine, three percent of
women can't remember their natural hair color. You know what
you call these women? Blondes." -Jay Leno
***
"This week, President Bush met with Chinese President Hu
Jintao, and Hu invited Bush to the 2008 Summer Olympics in
China. Bush told the president, 'I'm busy next year, but
pencil me in for 2009.'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"If I seem distracted, it's because I'm busy planning for
the first Sunday of football. I've dropped my kids off at
the orphanage this morning. I'll pick them up in February,
just after the pro bowl." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in
rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when
a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the
trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers
explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.
They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming
toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she
said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench
crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"
our marriage license. After recording the vital information;
names, dates of birth, etc. the clerk handed me our license
and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."
+++++++++++++++++++
Help Is On The WayMy friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the computer workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently
mislaid by a co-worker. She sent the following email: "If
anybody can say where they lost $70, please let me know and
it will be returned to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2001."
+++++++++++++++++++
Heart Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running."
+++++++++++++++++++
911
911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the dispatcher asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Things To Ponder
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up." - Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"? - You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. - A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards? - The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed! - A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: "This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. ... Violators Will Be Toad."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiss per Yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle,
my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was
terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him
calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As a new employee for a discount brokerage firm, I went for a month of
classroom training. Warning us about the volume of information we were
required to memorize, one trainer suggested we make lots of notes on file
cards.
When I completed the course, I was assigned to a team where, as suggested, I
taped all the file cards, crammed with notes, onto my computer.
On my first day of trading, a veteran broker sat with me. He immediately
noticed all the cards, and my apprehension, so he promptly made up a new
card, which he taped to my computer.
It read "Breathe."
+++++++++++++++++++
"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife." -
Daniel Boone
+++++++++++++++++++
Census Taker
An elderly man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What are you selling young man?" he asked.
"I'm not selling anything," the young man said. I'm a census taker."
"A what?" the older man asked.
"A census taker... We are trying to find out how many people are in this country."
"Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea."
+++++++++++++++++++
Note PadWith four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a survey by Playboy magazine, three percent of
women can't remember their natural hair color. You know what
you call these women? Blondes." -Jay Leno
***
"This week, President Bush met with Chinese President Hu
Jintao, and Hu invited Bush to the 2008 Summer Olympics in
China. Bush told the president, 'I'm busy next year, but
pencil me in for 2009.'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"If I seem distracted, it's because I'm busy planning for
the first Sunday of football. I've dropped my kids off at
the orphanage this morning. I'll pick them up in February,
just after the pro bowl." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in
rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when
a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the
trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers
explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.
They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming
toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she
said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench
crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"
Monday, September 17, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 17th
Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who helped
me with chores around the house.
One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We
thought it would take about an hour, but the task turned into an
all-day job.
"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.
"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think
of me as the son you never had."
+++++++++++++++++++
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was
filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night,
stopping only occasionally for something to eat.
He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he
thought about least of all was his rent.
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the
three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the
verge of making some sales."
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last
month. You won't get another day's credit from me."
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some day this
loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for
it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and
whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say
it tomorrow morning."
+++++++++++++++++++
"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get
a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean-
then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a
package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small
children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right
next to the rest of the poisons." - Mike Bullard
+++++++++++++++++++
He can't hit my fastball ...
Before a series, St. Louis manager Frankie Frisch instructed his pitching staff to avoid throwing Brooklyn's Tony Cuccinello a fastball. Dizzy Dean objected. "He can't hit my fastball." He begged Frisch to let him throw Cuccinello a fastball. Frisch refused. Finally with the game in hand, he relented. Dean threw Cuccinello a fastball. Cuccinello hit it out of the park. Dean turned to Frisch. "By gosh, Frankie. You were right for once."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Atheist and the Shark
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vermont Dumb Laws
- Whistling underwater is illegal - At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. - Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. - It is illegal to deny the existence of God - Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Britney Spears was in the news again. She was having
difficulty starting her car outside a nightclub while in
a valet line. The main problem is, you can't start a car
with a Cheeto." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"There is a law waiting approval in the California
legislature to ban spanking. The ironic part if put into
place the fine for spanking will be a slap on the wrist."
-Jay Leno
***
"World Cup soccer fans in Germany are estimated at drinking
17 pints of beer per day. Apparently after 17 beers soccer
becomes interesting." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an-
nouncement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees
are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children
under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.
Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will
you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep
in Daddy's room."
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."
+++++++++++++++++++
Short & Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring
enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please
leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your
call, you are one of the changes."
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your
glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of
an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud
slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the
country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird
flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time
to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" - Jay Leno
me with chores around the house.
One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We
thought it would take about an hour, but the task turned into an
all-day job.
"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.
"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think
of me as the son you never had."
+++++++++++++++++++
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was
filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night,
stopping only occasionally for something to eat.
He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he
thought about least of all was his rent.
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the
three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the
verge of making some sales."
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last
month. You won't get another day's credit from me."
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some day this
loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for
it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and
whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say
it tomorrow morning."
+++++++++++++++++++
"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get
a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean-
then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a
package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small
children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right
next to the rest of the poisons." - Mike Bullard
+++++++++++++++++++
He can't hit my fastball ...
Before a series, St. Louis manager Frankie Frisch instructed his pitching staff to avoid throwing Brooklyn's Tony Cuccinello a fastball. Dizzy Dean objected. "He can't hit my fastball." He begged Frisch to let him throw Cuccinello a fastball. Frisch refused. Finally with the game in hand, he relented. Dean threw Cuccinello a fastball. Cuccinello hit it out of the park. Dean turned to Frisch. "By gosh, Frankie. You were right for once."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Atheist and the Shark
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vermont Dumb Laws
- Whistling underwater is illegal - At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. - Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. - It is illegal to deny the existence of God - Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Britney Spears was in the news again. She was having
difficulty starting her car outside a nightclub while in
a valet line. The main problem is, you can't start a car
with a Cheeto." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"There is a law waiting approval in the California
legislature to ban spanking. The ironic part if put into
place the fine for spanking will be a slap on the wrist."
-Jay Leno
***
"World Cup soccer fans in Germany are estimated at drinking
17 pints of beer per day. Apparently after 17 beers soccer
becomes interesting." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an-
nouncement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees
are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children
under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.
Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will
you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep
in Daddy's room."
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."
+++++++++++++++++++
Short & Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring
enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please
leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your
call, you are one of the changes."
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your
glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of
an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud
slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the
country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird
flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time
to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" - Jay Leno
Sunday, September 16, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 16th
One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit a friend at work.
Everyone there knew her, and she was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as
one of the employees went to make more coffee, her son followed her and
asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.
Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow! You know how to
make beer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Leona Helmsley passed away a couple of weeks ago and left $12 million to
her dog. Big deal. Trump is leaving $50 million to that thing on his
head." - Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Politically Correct Dictionary
vertically challenged: short
horizontally gifted : fat
horizontally challenged : thin
chronologically gifted : old
intellectually impaired : stupid
living impaired : dead
romantically challenged : not with somebody at the moment
morally differently-brained : stupid
follically independent : bald
musically delayed : tone deaf
genetically discriminating : racist
codependent : finger-pointer
in recovery : drunk/junkie
in denial : unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened
constructivist feminist psychotherapy : psychobabble
economically disadvantaged : welfare bum
target equity group : vocal minority
sanitation engineer : garbage man
certified astrological consultant : crackpot
certified crystal therapist : crackpot
certified past-life regression hypnotist : crackpot
ontologically challenged : fictional or mythological
the absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional infinity of reality : white male
people of height : too tall
gravitationally challenged : fat
other-aged : too old/young (dual purpose)
environmentally correct human : dead
humor-challenged : Nit-picky
motivationally challenged : lazy
outdoor urban dwellers : homeless
monetarily challenged : poor
facially challenged : ugly
visually challenged : blind
nasally gifted : runny nose
verbally challenged : mute, dumb
socially challenged : geek, nerd
cyclically challenged : having PMS
caucasian culturally disadvantaged : white trash
rhythmically challenged : white boy
financially inept : poor
osmotically challenged : thirsty
aquatically challenged : drowning
+++++++++++++++++++
Naval JargonJim was a just out of boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary." The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck; that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead; that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion; that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttlebutt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window over there."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Anybody go back to school today? It's tough. I had to take
my son back to school today and I walked through the door
and the teacher there says, 'It's so nice to see the grand-
parents involved.'" -David Letterman
***
"In Mississippi, a Taco Bell restaurant had to close after
employees found a snake in the restaurant. Witnesses at the
Taco Bell said it was the first time they've ever seen a
snake with diarrhea." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Fred Thompson officially announced his candidacy for
president today. Here's why Fred Thompson is not going to
be our president: America's not going to pick a first lady
that looks like she runs a tanning salon." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
When I worked as a technical-support specialist for a com-
puter company, customer help calls ranged from the mundane
to the bizarre.
One memorable problem I had to trouble-shoot came from a
man who complained that every time he flushed his toilet,
his computer would reboot.
It turned out that he lived in a rural area with water
supplied by a well with an electric pump. Every time he
flushed, it would turn on the pump, causing a dip in the
electric power, which in turn would cause the computer
to restart itself.
+++++++++++++++++++
It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a
prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas
gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the
wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is
apprehended by a policeman.
He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman
that he can't be arrested.
The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law
states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."
+++++++++++++++++++
Live to 100
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to
move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see
her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how
she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints --
this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to
start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied,
"Anyone who's 99."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were boasting to each other ...
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
+++++++++++++++++++
Baptism
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
+++++++++++++++++++
A banker decided to get his first tailor made suit
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The story of a very short man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
Everyone there knew her, and she was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as
one of the employees went to make more coffee, her son followed her and
asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.
Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow! You know how to
make beer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Leona Helmsley passed away a couple of weeks ago and left $12 million to
her dog. Big deal. Trump is leaving $50 million to that thing on his
head." - Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Politically Correct Dictionary
vertically challenged: short
horizontally gifted : fat
horizontally challenged : thin
chronologically gifted : old
intellectually impaired : stupid
living impaired : dead
romantically challenged : not with somebody at the moment
morally differently-brained : stupid
follically independent : bald
musically delayed : tone deaf
genetically discriminating : racist
codependent : finger-pointer
in recovery : drunk/junkie
in denial : unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened
constructivist feminist psychotherapy : psychobabble
economically disadvantaged : welfare bum
target equity group : vocal minority
sanitation engineer : garbage man
certified astrological consultant : crackpot
certified crystal therapist : crackpot
certified past-life regression hypnotist : crackpot
ontologically challenged : fictional or mythological
the absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional infinity of reality : white male
people of height : too tall
gravitationally challenged : fat
other-aged : too old/young (dual purpose)
environmentally correct human : dead
humor-challenged : Nit-picky
motivationally challenged : lazy
outdoor urban dwellers : homeless
monetarily challenged : poor
facially challenged : ugly
visually challenged : blind
nasally gifted : runny nose
verbally challenged : mute, dumb
socially challenged : geek, nerd
cyclically challenged : having PMS
caucasian culturally disadvantaged : white trash
rhythmically challenged : white boy
financially inept : poor
osmotically challenged : thirsty
aquatically challenged : drowning
+++++++++++++++++++
Naval JargonJim was a just out of boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary." The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck; that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead; that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion; that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttlebutt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window over there."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Anybody go back to school today? It's tough. I had to take
my son back to school today and I walked through the door
and the teacher there says, 'It's so nice to see the grand-
parents involved.'" -David Letterman
***
"In Mississippi, a Taco Bell restaurant had to close after
employees found a snake in the restaurant. Witnesses at the
Taco Bell said it was the first time they've ever seen a
snake with diarrhea." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Fred Thompson officially announced his candidacy for
president today. Here's why Fred Thompson is not going to
be our president: America's not going to pick a first lady
that looks like she runs a tanning salon." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
When I worked as a technical-support specialist for a com-
puter company, customer help calls ranged from the mundane
to the bizarre.
One memorable problem I had to trouble-shoot came from a
man who complained that every time he flushed his toilet,
his computer would reboot.
It turned out that he lived in a rural area with water
supplied by a well with an electric pump. Every time he
flushed, it would turn on the pump, causing a dip in the
electric power, which in turn would cause the computer
to restart itself.
+++++++++++++++++++
It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a
prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas
gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the
wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is
apprehended by a policeman.
He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman
that he can't be arrested.
The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law
states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."
+++++++++++++++++++
Live to 100
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to
move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see
her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how
she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints --
this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to
start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied,
"Anyone who's 99."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were boasting to each other ...
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
+++++++++++++++++++
Baptism
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
+++++++++++++++++++
A banker decided to get his first tailor made suit
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The story of a very short man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
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