Civilization makes it possible for you to live off other persons instead of
off the land.
+++++++++++++++++++
Talking Parrot
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted the bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he had bid a lot more than he had intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he mentioned to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"He can talk," said the auctioneer, "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Correction"
Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready.
"You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."
He looked at me and replied, "Twice."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Correction"
Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready.
"You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."
He looked at me and replied, "Twice."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Home Life" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.
In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.
As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams.The woman mumbled some colorful words.
She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but it certainly sounds as if I have the right number."
+++++++++++++++++++
Back to SchoolAfter raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Some public school now will be serving sushi. Well, if
you love cafeteria meatloaf, you're going to really love
cafeteria sushi!" -Dave Letterman
***
"Next week, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will
work a shift as a nurse at a Las Vegas hospital. You
thought your doctor's hands were cold. And since she has
no training or experience in the nursing field, she will
only tend to patients on HMOs" -Jay Leno
***
"Scientists have said they may have figured out a way to
travel through time. For years now I've known of a potion
that can let you travel through time..it's called tequila."
-Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
An office technician got a call from a computer user. The
user told the tech that her computer was not working. She
described the problem and the tech concluded that her com-
puter needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here
and I'll fix it for you."
About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with
the electrical cord in her right hand.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked
up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from
the forge.
He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his
pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.
The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of
hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it
just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe.
+++++++++++++++++++
Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead At 71
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and The Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.
+++++++++++++++++++
Military Time
My wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall. "He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised. With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
+++++++++++++++++++
How Things Work In Real Life
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
+++++++++++++++++++
A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?" "What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?" "It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Priory Priority
The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and
primary student residence of the small Catholic university
where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's
ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness
experienced by one of the older monks whose order had
founded the college.
"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The
tradition associated with that building, the memories of all
the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't
imagine how hard this must be for you."
"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my
PalmPilot in there."
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Aug 29th
Philosophies to Ponder
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
+++++++++++++++++++
"We all know Karl Rove resigned yesterday. Big blow to the
White House. Rumsfeld's gone, Wolfowitz, Harriet Miers, Dan
Bartlett -- all gone. Cheney -- never much help during the
summer. That's his egg-laying season." --Jon Stewart
***
"Two hundred miles off the coast of New Orleans the largest
oil reserve is believed to have been discovered. It could
increase our reserves by 50 percent and be worth over $15
billion. This reserve could cut the price of gas by a penny!"
-Jay Leno
***
"Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a
state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it."
-Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
I wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to
wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the
theater to buy them over the phone.
I asked, "How much is a ticket?"
They said, "Seven dollars."
I asked, "How much for children?"
They said, "Same price, Seven dollars."
I said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."
They said, "OK, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and
you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was setting up a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial
in my yard that I had purchased from a garden catalog.
A neighbor, an old Florida cracker, was leaning on the fence
watching my progress and asked, "What the heck's that for?"
I explained, "It's a sun dial, see the sun will hit that
small triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the
sundial. Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow
also moves across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to
determine the correct time."
My neighbor shook his head and muttered,. "Huh, what will
they think of next?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce.3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in thedesert.7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.10) I did not object to the object.11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.13) They were too close to the door to close it.14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Isit an odd, or an end?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lightsare out, they are invisible.
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The brand new president of the Young Republican National Federation, 33-year-old Glenn Murphy, has resigned after one month in office, after police say he is being investigated for performing an unwanted sex act on a sleeping man. Murphy defended himself by saying the act was consensual and he may have had just too much to drink at the time. Well, what guy hasn't done that after a couple of beers? ... See, there you go. The Democrats may talk a good game at the gay rights forum last night, but the Republicans are actually out there doing gay things." --Jay Leno "Last night, during a debate sponsored by a gay group, Senator Hillary Clinton was criticized because of her husband's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. In response, Hillary said, 'Sorry, but our entire marriage is based on me not asking and him not telling'" --Conan O'Brien "It pains me to say this, but a 'Tip of the Hat' to the New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 1/2 inches to 12. I haven't seen this much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing" --Stephen Colbert "President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's doing more when he's not doing the job." --Jay Leno "Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run and broke Hank Aaron's record. ... Last night, President Bush did not call Barry Bonds ... but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who's less popular than I am.'" --Conan O'Brien "The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
A critical shortage of typists
A soldier was asked to report to the headquarters sergeant for an assignment. The sergeant said, “We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this,” he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine. The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible. The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. “That's fine,”" he said. “Report for work at 8 tomorrow.” “But aren't you going to check the test?” the prospective clerk asked. The sergeant grinned. “You passed the test,” he replied, “when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Community orchestra attendance
A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rewiring
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one,
our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and
maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic
above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on
the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in
the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably
assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and
yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's
hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just
fine!"
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
+++++++++++++++++++
"We all know Karl Rove resigned yesterday. Big blow to the
White House. Rumsfeld's gone, Wolfowitz, Harriet Miers, Dan
Bartlett -- all gone. Cheney -- never much help during the
summer. That's his egg-laying season." --Jon Stewart
***
"Two hundred miles off the coast of New Orleans the largest
oil reserve is believed to have been discovered. It could
increase our reserves by 50 percent and be worth over $15
billion. This reserve could cut the price of gas by a penny!"
-Jay Leno
***
"Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a
state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it."
-Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
I wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to
wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the
theater to buy them over the phone.
I asked, "How much is a ticket?"
They said, "Seven dollars."
I asked, "How much for children?"
They said, "Same price, Seven dollars."
I said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."
They said, "OK, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and
you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was setting up a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial
in my yard that I had purchased from a garden catalog.
A neighbor, an old Florida cracker, was leaning on the fence
watching my progress and asked, "What the heck's that for?"
I explained, "It's a sun dial, see the sun will hit that
small triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the
sundial. Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow
also moves across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to
determine the correct time."
My neighbor shook his head and muttered,. "Huh, what will
they think of next?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce.3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in thedesert.7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.10) I did not object to the object.11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.13) They were too close to the door to close it.14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Isit an odd, or an end?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lightsare out, they are invisible.
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The brand new president of the Young Republican National Federation, 33-year-old Glenn Murphy, has resigned after one month in office, after police say he is being investigated for performing an unwanted sex act on a sleeping man. Murphy defended himself by saying the act was consensual and he may have had just too much to drink at the time. Well, what guy hasn't done that after a couple of beers? ... See, there you go. The Democrats may talk a good game at the gay rights forum last night, but the Republicans are actually out there doing gay things." --Jay Leno "Last night, during a debate sponsored by a gay group, Senator Hillary Clinton was criticized because of her husband's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. In response, Hillary said, 'Sorry, but our entire marriage is based on me not asking and him not telling'" --Conan O'Brien "It pains me to say this, but a 'Tip of the Hat' to the New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 1/2 inches to 12. I haven't seen this much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing" --Stephen Colbert "President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's doing more when he's not doing the job." --Jay Leno "Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run and broke Hank Aaron's record. ... Last night, President Bush did not call Barry Bonds ... but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who's less popular than I am.'" --Conan O'Brien "The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
A critical shortage of typists
A soldier was asked to report to the headquarters sergeant for an assignment. The sergeant said, “We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this,” he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine. The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible. The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. “That's fine,”" he said. “Report for work at 8 tomorrow.” “But aren't you going to check the test?” the prospective clerk asked. The sergeant grinned. “You passed the test,” he replied, “when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Community orchestra attendance
A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rewiring
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one,
our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and
maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic
above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on
the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in
the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably
assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and
yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's
hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just
fine!"
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 28th
Birthday Surprise
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. "You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."
+++++++++++++++++++
Joining the Army
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Spring Fever
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Spring Fever
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a
long-time veteran looking for a change of pace, the following guide should
help you along your way.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen and figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some each night and some each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll
wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the
real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
+++++++++++++++++++
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take
care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that
hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
+++++++++++++++++++
People are never too busy to tell you all they have to do.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dottie, Vernie’s wife, has not spoken to him in three days. He says it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged Dan and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" he asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the leftover tuna casserole I made for supper this evening." "That'll teach them!" he replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Present
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?" The little boy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Military technology
As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Vows
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
+++++++++++++++++++
Do You Take Anything?
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" "Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that
they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months
later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the
creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though
one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm
that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't
be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she
insisted. "Go and get his cage."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It
might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy."
I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm
always talking on mine."
+++++++++++++++++++
Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You're Too Stressed When
You can achieve a "runners high" by sitting up.
The sun is too loud.
You are missing several days from this week.
Trees begin to chase you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You wonder if brewing is "really" a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
You can hear mimes.
Things become "very clear." Everything is "very clear, indeed."
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
You and reality file for divorce.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You can travel without moving.
Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the next day.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. "You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."
+++++++++++++++++++
Joining the Army
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Spring Fever
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Spring Fever
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a
long-time veteran looking for a change of pace, the following guide should
help you along your way.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen and figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some each night and some each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll
wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the
real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
+++++++++++++++++++
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take
care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that
hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
+++++++++++++++++++
People are never too busy to tell you all they have to do.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dottie, Vernie’s wife, has not spoken to him in three days. He says it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged Dan and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" he asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the leftover tuna casserole I made for supper this evening." "That'll teach them!" he replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Present
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?" The little boy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Military technology
As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Vows
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
+++++++++++++++++++
Do You Take Anything?
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" "Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that
they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months
later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the
creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though
one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm
that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't
be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she
insisted. "Go and get his cage."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It
might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy."
I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm
always talking on mine."
+++++++++++++++++++
Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You're Too Stressed When
You can achieve a "runners high" by sitting up.
The sun is too loud.
You are missing several days from this week.
Trees begin to chase you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You wonder if brewing is "really" a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
You can hear mimes.
Things become "very clear." Everything is "very clear, indeed."
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
You and reality file for divorce.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You can travel without moving.
Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the next day.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before
Monday, August 27, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 27th
Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were
standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and
diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit
smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time.
Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this
without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for
compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing
instead of these things?"
After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister
is pregnant now."
+++++++++++++++++++
A wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a
certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and
wrote the merchant a threatening letter.
He received the following reply: "Dear Sir: What do you mean
by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my
bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to
pay on my accounts. Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many
bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don't
like my way of doing business, I won't even put your bills
in the hat."
+++++++++++++++++++
Teacher’s Note
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Three ArgumentsMy Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.2 He could make his own wine.3. He wasn't afraid of waterMy Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:1. He called everyone "brother."2. He liked Gospel.3. He couldn't get a fair trial.My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:1. He talked with his hands.2. He had wine with every meal.3. He used olive oil.My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:1. He never cut his hair.2. He walked around barefoot all the time3. He started a new religion.My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:1. He never got married.2. He was always telling stories.3. He loved green pastures.But, my women friends have the most compelling evidence that Jesus was a woman:1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.3. And, even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
+++++++++++++++++++
ShoplifterA shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip. "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A is for ACUPUNCTURE. ACUPUNCTURE is an ancient Chinese medical technique of healing people by sticking them with needles. Western doctors have recently discovered Acupuncture and find it similar to their more modern technique of sticking patients with large medical bills. Western doctors are now using Acupuncture to block the sensation of pain, while the Chinese use it to remove the causes of pain. Naturally such inscrutable Oriental purposes have no appeal to doctors or their accountants.
A is for AKASHIC RECORDS. The AKASHIC RECORDS are a great big VCR in the sky that records everything that ever happens, particularly about you. (Yes, even that time when you thought you were all alone in your room is there). The Akashic Records are sometimes confused with Santa Claus' files, which, of course, tell him if you've been "naughty or nice." They are not the same. With Santa's records, you at least stand a 50% chance of getting goodies. The Akashic Records are Cosmically Impartial - no prezzies.
A is for AURA. AURAS are fields of energy around our bodies which most of us can't see. All genuine New Age people believe in Auras, although few can see them. Auras have different colors. You can tell how highly evolved people are by the color of their auras. However, there are so many different theories about Auras that people are confused about which colors are better than others, which of course is very important to New Age People. Everybody does agree that having any color of Aura is better than having none at all. Here is the final definitive, scientific rating of Aura colors:
White - Forget it. They're avoiding you. You wouldn't know one if it bit you.
Violet - Very, very high. If you see someone with a violet aura, try to ingratiate yourself.
Blue - Highly conscious, although somewhat pompous.
Blue - Green - Semi-conscious. Fun at parties.
Green - Reasonably conscious. Very healthy. Fond of plants.
Yellow - Average. Some hope for evolution, although unlikely to be interested in it.
Orange - Has moments of consciousness. Uninspired sexual partner.
Red - Passionate and quick tempered, but not very b-r-i-g-h-t.
Brown - Traditionally referred to as "robot-consciousness". Often successful in politics. California has produced two presidents like this.
Black - Unpleasant at best. Avoid them.
B is for BARDO. BARDO is the Tibetan word for the place where we go after death and before rebirth (See REINCARNATION). Christians call this place Purgatory. It is a kind of Cosmic Waiting Room where souls hang out before their next assignment to a new physical body. Some people claim the Bardo is boring because there is nothing to do except be with yourself. Others say it is terrifying because there is nothing to do except be with yourself. They all agree it's not a lot of fun. The only cure is to get enlightened (See ENLIGHTENMENT) which evidently makes the Bardo easy to put up with. This, unfortunately, requires spiritual work in this lifetime, which is awfully inconvenient when there's so much good stuff on television. Of course all this weird, bizarre talk about the Bardo is probably total nonsense and we don't have to worry about it a bit. We hope.
B is for BERMUDA TRIANGLE. The BERMUDA TRIANGLE is a place in the Atlantic Ocean where things disappear a lot. Big things like boats and airplane squadrons. Little things like people. Some people think the Bermuda Triangle is where Atlantis used to be. They say an old Atlantean laser beam occasionally zaps things into oblivion. Others say it's an underwater UFO airport and that the UFO people like to collect visitors. Still others think it's a hole in reality that occasionally opens up so that things fall through into another universe. We have no idea what the Bermuda Triangle is, but then we're still trying to figure out the Patagonian Hexagon and the Wichita Square, and they're supposed to be simple.
C is for CHANNELING. CHANNELING is what Channels do. A Channel is a person who does channeling. Is that clear? Let's try again. Suppose someone is dead (or at least highly evolved and not in a body) and wants to talk to people who are still alive (or at least hanging out in a body). Okay, one more time. Suppose higher entities want to talk to us lower entities. They can't talk directly to most of us because our minds are too busy to listen. So they find someone whose mind isn't as active to act as a channel. This person channels information from the higher entity to us lower entities. Naturally the channel charges for this information, but that's only so the channel can continue to provide this valuable public service. Channeling is very popular these days. It seems the other dimensions are filled with entities with something to say. In fact, so many of us lower entities are becoming channels ourselves that soon we may all be channels. Everybody will talking and nobody will be listening. Guess that's what the New Age is all about.
C is for CHRISTIANS. CHRISTIANS are people who advocate the teachings of a man named Jesus Christ (See JESUS). Note: There are also people who actually follow these teachings as well, but nobody knows much about them. No one is quite sure if Christianity is "relevant" anymore. Many New Age People used to be Christians but moved on because they thought Christianity was too old-fashioned. For some reason older religions like Hinduism, Sufism, and Buddhism are considered more modern. They're certainly more fashionable.
C is for CRYSTALS. CRYSTALS are pretty rocks. They are considered to be better than other pretty rocks because they vibrate. Of course vibrators vibrate too. But they're used for different purposes. (Ouch. We hope so.) It used to be that you could buy pretty rocks like crystals for a few cents. Now they go for $10 and up. Way up. People use crystals to make contact with higher intelligences. People who pay that kind of money for rocks obviously need contact with higher intelligences.
D is for DRUGS. DRUGS are things which people put in their mouths, arms, or noses to feel different. People take them to wake up, go to sleep, liven up, calm down, see things, stop seeing things, feel better, or stop feeling at all. Others take them just to pass the time. Some Drugs are legal. They make lots of money for Tobacco and Liquor Companies. Other drugs are kind of legal. They make lots of money for Pharmaceutical Companies. Still other drugs aren't legal at all. They make lots of money for farmers, self-employed businessmen, politicians, bankers, and government and law enforcement agencies. No one knows if there will be Drugs in the New Age. We hope so. Otherwise, the New Age could be real tough to get through.
E is for ENLIGHTENMENT. ENLIGHTENMENT is what all Genuine New Age People are after. Nobody really knows what it is, but everyone agrees it must be better than being unenlightened, which is what we've got now. People believe that if you are Enlightened you will never have any problems again. You will have all the money and things you need (although you won't care about them) and you can spend the rest of your life (or lives) just grooving with Nature and God. (See separate listings). There are, admittedly, some Spiritual Teachers who claim that after you become Enlightened your work has only just begun. They have few followers.
F is for FIREWALKING. FIREWALKING is walking on hot coals in bare feet. Ouch! Yes, that's what we said. People pay to learn how to walk on hot coals so that they can learn to transcend the petty limitations of their beliefs. They believe that once they believe they can walk on hot coals they can believe anything. We believe that too.
G is for GLOBAL VILLAGE. In the New Age we will all live in a GLOBAL VILLAGE. This means that everybody will be connected with everybody else and that instead of having lots of little governments that nobody likes, we will have one big government which for some reason everybody is expected to like. When we have one big Global Village, everybody will be a Citizen of the World, and we won't need passports any more. According to some sources, a simple mark on the forehead will be sufficient.
G is for GOD. GOD is the One who started it all. Many people still carry a grudge about that. He is also the One who made all the rules. This upsets many people who would rather make their own rules. These people have decided that God doesn't exist. Fortunately for them, He hasn't done the same. Many New Age People want to find God, although they have a hard time explaining how they lost Him in the first place. According to most reports, God would not be easy to misplace. Perhaps people figure it's more fun to look for Him than to find Him.
G is for GURU. A GURU is a person who teaches you things. It has been said that everyone is your Guru. This of course implies that you are everyone else's Guru as well. Have you been shirking your responsibilities? You better get on with it. Being a Guru is a serious business. At least most of the better-known Gurus are serious about their business. Just ask their accountants.
H is for HEALTH FOOD. HEALTH FOOD is what all New Age People try to eat. Health Food makes them radiant, clear-eyed, mucus-free, and regular. All official Health Food is organic, which means the guy who sells it claims it has no dirty-old chemical and artificial things in it. Health Food usually costs a bundle. Eating Health Food gives a New Age Person such a healthy, sensitive body that it absolutely freaks out if it takes in something unhealthy. Considering our environment, would you really like to have a body like that?
I is for I CHING. The I CHING is a very old Chinese book. People throw coins and then read in the I Ching what their future will be and what they should do about it. This is considered to be much more profound than flipping a coin.
I is for INDIA. INDIA is where all Genuine New Age People go to find Truth. India has the Truth because it is a very spiritual country. People in India are so spiritual, that they even die spiritually. Millions of them every year.
K is for KARMA. KARMA is what happens when you do something. If you do something nice, you get nice back. If you do something wicked, you're up a creek. Of course you may not get it until another lifetime, at which time you'll probably have forgotten how it started and ask "Why me?" Karma is a Cosmic Law. That means you can ignore it all you want but there's no way you can get away from it. But keep on trying if you like. It passes the time.
K is for KUNDALINI. KUNDALINI is a serpent of energy curled up at the base of the spine, which rises when one meditates on it. When one gets really good at it, the Kundalini comes all the way up the spine, frazzles the brain, and leaps out the top. This is considered very desirable by people who practice Kundalini. Lots of people practicing Kundalini have been so successful that they are now living in nice, quiet places where they can be with others like themselves. (See LSD).
L is for LEVITATION. LEVITATION means defying the law of gravity and floating above the ground. There are now people who will teach you how to levitate. Apparently the method involves relieving yourself of certain unessential encumbrances (tens, twenties, fifties) thereby lightening your essential self. Levitation, incidentally, is how the Egyptians built their pyramids (See PYRAMIDS). People often wonder how they carried those big stones up the steps of half-finished pyramids. They didn't. They built them from the top down.
L is for LOVE. LOVE is what the New Age is all about. True New Age People love everyone. You can tell this because they smile very sweetly, speak in soft, gentle voices, radiate total acceptance, and forgive you immediately for all your faults. If you enjoy this sort of Pure Saintly Behavior you are a New Age Person and deserve to be around it. However, if Pure Saintly Behavior drives you up a wall, and your idea of Love is a little more lively than that, we suggest you look elsewhere for companionship. After all, there are still a few good years of pre-New Age left to enjoy.
M is for MAHARISHI. MAHARISHI is the nice man who is in charge of Transcendental Meditation (See TM). He loves flowers, perfume, incense, and little children. He is a very popular man who can often be seen on TV talk shows. Maharishi is almost like Mom and Apple Pie, and we think we better not say any more here before we check with our lawyers.
N is for NUMEROLOGY. NUMEROLOGY is the science of Numbers. No, it's not like Arithmetic. That is a different kind of science. Numerology is about the meaning of numbers. Each number from 1 to 9 has a special meaning. Your name has its own special number. If you add up all its letters (A=1, B=2, and so on), you'll get a number that tells you your life's path. If you don't like that particular path, you can change your name and get a new one that gives you a better path. You don't think Arnold Schwarzenegger was born with that name, do you?
O is for OM. OM is a New Age Word. In fact, it is a Very New Age Word. When someone chants Om, that person becomes One With The Universe. Because it is a very powerful word, you should not repeat Om more than 1728 times at one sitting. If you do, you might become so One With The Universe that you will never....ever....come...back. You've been warned.
P is for POWER SPOTS. POWER SPOTS are places on the planet that have extra special energy. New Age people are fascinated by Power Spots because New Age people think energy is, like, wow. Power Spots include places like Stonehenge, the Great Pyramid, Machu Picchu, Mt. Shasta, and Shirley MacLaine's birthplace. New Age People are convinced that Power Spots are directly connected with: 1) Ancient civilizations 2) Secret societies 3) Flying saucers, and 4) Planetary Chakras (See CHAKRAS). New Age People like to visit Power Spots because they consider them places for 1) Great Meditation 2) Great Sex 3) Great Shopping, and 4) Great Meditative Sex. Power Spots are not places like the White House, the Kremlin, Wall Street, Hollywood, and your neighborhood nuclear plant. New Age People consider those places to be low energy spots. What do you think? Which kinds of places do you think have the most power?
Q is for QUAKE. QUAKE is short for Earthquake, or as they say in California, "The Big One." When the Quake happens, California will go splash, a fairly noticeable sign that the New Age is on its way, with some minor inconveniences in between - like war, famine, pestilence, volcanic eruptions, and a shortage of good Chardonnay. As Californians all think they already live in the New Age, they don't exactly see the Quake as an improvement. But it sounds so exciting none of them want to miss it. It's unlikely many of them will.
R is for REINCARNATION. REINCARNATION means that after we die we come back in a new body for another lifetime, then we die, then we come back again and so on, over and over. All these bodies are human bodies. Some people think Reincarnation means coming back as an animal. That is called Transmigration and is very, very unusual. It will happen only if you Really Screw Up. As long as you don't commit the One Cardinal Sin, you'll be all right. (You're not committing it, are you?) Supposedly we keep reincarnating until we learn our lessons, whatever they may be. Since most of us are a little slow at catching on to things, we've been doing this for millions of years. This is called being on the Wheel of Karma. Some people think Reincarnation is a great excuse for waiting till the next lifetime to do anything. Others, who have gotten bored with the whole thing, figure they'd just as soon get off the Wheel of Karma now. They might not be in such a hurry if they knew what the next Wheel is like.
S is for SATAN. SATAN is also known as the Devil. He is an evil-looking fellow with horns, forked tail, and bad breath. Satan has been playing against God (See GOD) for a long time now, trying to take over control of the Universe. Of course God made up the game in the first place, so he's not too concerned about the outcome. The pieces God and Satan play with are called People. Many of these pieces enjoy telling each other that as soon as Satan loses, the New Age will begin. Oh yeah. Who are they trying to kid? As soon as anybody loses, the game is over. Then all the pieces go back in the box.
S is for SCIENTOLOGY. SCIENTOLOGY is........one moment, please. There is someone knocking at the door. We will be right back................................................ ...Here we are again. Sorry, but after talking to that very persuasive, very large person at the door we have decided that we will leave the subject of Scientology and find something else to talk about.
S is for SEX. SEX is...well, you probably already have a rough idea what sex is. Although New Age People think sex is more than you think it is. (See TANTRA). It is unclear if there will be any Sex in the New Age. Some people think we will transcend all that nasty physical stuff. Other people, who still think that nasty physical stuff is a lot of fun, hope it will just get better and aren't much interested in the New Age without it. Come to think of it, how long do you think the New Age would last without it?
S is for SHIRLEY MACLAINE. SHIRLEY MACLAINE is a New Age Person. Shirley discovered that there are other realities. In one of these realities she is a teacher who fills huge auditoriums with people willing to pay much money to learn how to become a New Age Person. In that same reality she also sells New Age Books, sells New Age TV programs, and is starting a center where she can sell New Age courses. Shirley thinks reality is pretty neat. At least the one she's in. Yours may be different.
T is for TANTRA. TANTRA is a special kind of sex (See SEX) which is done for spiritual reasons. It naturally appeals to Americans, who have all been brought up believing that Sex is dirty. With Tantra we can all fuck ourselves to Higher Consciousness. God is good.
T is for THIRD EYE. The THIRD EYE is the one in the middle of your forehead which you might not have noticed yet, but which all New Age People want to open. They figure if they can see two dimensions with one eye, and three dimensions with two eyes, just imagine what they might see with three eyes! One supposed method of opening the Third Eye is by drilling a hole in the forehead. This has not been a popular technique. Another way is through meditation (See MEDITATION). Still another way is to say nice things to it and coax it open. Once you get your Third Eye open, we'll tell you about Cleaning the Third Ear.
W is for WHOLE EARTH. WHOLE EARTH means the entire planet on which we live. The symbol of the Whole Earth is a picture of the Earth taken from space. It shows a beautiful blue-green gem shining in the black void of space. Unfortunately that jewel in space is covered with a lot of people who believe in Part Earth. And they generally think their part is better than the other parts. Whole Earth People tend to think the whole thing is pretty nice. And that there's really no way to divide the thing into parts anyhow. Well, there is one way. But it's unlikely anybody would be able to put it back together again. We think Whole Earth is a pretty good idea.
Y is for YIN/YANG. YIN/YANG is an ancient Oriental concept. Because it is very ancient, it is automatically considered to be very profound by New Age People. There's nothing like ancient wisdom to impress the hell out of New Age People, and Yin/Yang is about as ancient as wisdom can get. Yin/Yang means that everything has its opposite within it. Every Yin has a little Yang inside, and every Yang contains a little Yin. What this means to New Age People is that everything that seems one way is really kind of the other way too. And that opposites aren't really opposed because in some way they're already like their opposition. Therefore, since nothing is really what it seems -- and generally more like what it doesn't seem -- there's not much sense in worrying about anything because it's not what we thought it was anyhow. Don't you find this ancient wisdom reassuring? We'll bet your life’s starting to feel enriched already.
Z is for ZEN. ZEN is everything. It is the indefinable made manifest. (Or is it the manifest made indefinable? Zen can be very confusing.) Anyway, in addition to being everything, Zen is also nothing. Therefore it is not necessary to do Zen. Nevertheless, there are special places called Zen monasteries where people do Zen, which of course they were already doing even when they weren't doing Zen.
standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and
diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit
smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time.
Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this
without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for
compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing
instead of these things?"
After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister
is pregnant now."
+++++++++++++++++++
A wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a
certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and
wrote the merchant a threatening letter.
He received the following reply: "Dear Sir: What do you mean
by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my
bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to
pay on my accounts. Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many
bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don't
like my way of doing business, I won't even put your bills
in the hat."
+++++++++++++++++++
Teacher’s Note
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Three ArgumentsMy Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.2 He could make his own wine.3. He wasn't afraid of waterMy Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:1. He called everyone "brother."2. He liked Gospel.3. He couldn't get a fair trial.My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:1. He talked with his hands.2. He had wine with every meal.3. He used olive oil.My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:1. He never cut his hair.2. He walked around barefoot all the time3. He started a new religion.My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:1. He never got married.2. He was always telling stories.3. He loved green pastures.But, my women friends have the most compelling evidence that Jesus was a woman:1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.3. And, even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
+++++++++++++++++++
ShoplifterA shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip. "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A is for ACUPUNCTURE. ACUPUNCTURE is an ancient Chinese medical technique of healing people by sticking them with needles. Western doctors have recently discovered Acupuncture and find it similar to their more modern technique of sticking patients with large medical bills. Western doctors are now using Acupuncture to block the sensation of pain, while the Chinese use it to remove the causes of pain. Naturally such inscrutable Oriental purposes have no appeal to doctors or their accountants.
A is for AKASHIC RECORDS. The AKASHIC RECORDS are a great big VCR in the sky that records everything that ever happens, particularly about you. (Yes, even that time when you thought you were all alone in your room is there). The Akashic Records are sometimes confused with Santa Claus' files, which, of course, tell him if you've been "naughty or nice." They are not the same. With Santa's records, you at least stand a 50% chance of getting goodies. The Akashic Records are Cosmically Impartial - no prezzies.
A is for AURA. AURAS are fields of energy around our bodies which most of us can't see. All genuine New Age people believe in Auras, although few can see them. Auras have different colors. You can tell how highly evolved people are by the color of their auras. However, there are so many different theories about Auras that people are confused about which colors are better than others, which of course is very important to New Age People. Everybody does agree that having any color of Aura is better than having none at all. Here is the final definitive, scientific rating of Aura colors:
White - Forget it. They're avoiding you. You wouldn't know one if it bit you.
Violet - Very, very high. If you see someone with a violet aura, try to ingratiate yourself.
Blue - Highly conscious, although somewhat pompous.
Blue - Green - Semi-conscious. Fun at parties.
Green - Reasonably conscious. Very healthy. Fond of plants.
Yellow - Average. Some hope for evolution, although unlikely to be interested in it.
Orange - Has moments of consciousness. Uninspired sexual partner.
Red - Passionate and quick tempered, but not very b-r-i-g-h-t.
Brown - Traditionally referred to as "robot-consciousness". Often successful in politics. California has produced two presidents like this.
Black - Unpleasant at best. Avoid them.
B is for BARDO. BARDO is the Tibetan word for the place where we go after death and before rebirth (See REINCARNATION). Christians call this place Purgatory. It is a kind of Cosmic Waiting Room where souls hang out before their next assignment to a new physical body. Some people claim the Bardo is boring because there is nothing to do except be with yourself. Others say it is terrifying because there is nothing to do except be with yourself. They all agree it's not a lot of fun. The only cure is to get enlightened (See ENLIGHTENMENT) which evidently makes the Bardo easy to put up with. This, unfortunately, requires spiritual work in this lifetime, which is awfully inconvenient when there's so much good stuff on television. Of course all this weird, bizarre talk about the Bardo is probably total nonsense and we don't have to worry about it a bit. We hope.
B is for BERMUDA TRIANGLE. The BERMUDA TRIANGLE is a place in the Atlantic Ocean where things disappear a lot. Big things like boats and airplane squadrons. Little things like people. Some people think the Bermuda Triangle is where Atlantis used to be. They say an old Atlantean laser beam occasionally zaps things into oblivion. Others say it's an underwater UFO airport and that the UFO people like to collect visitors. Still others think it's a hole in reality that occasionally opens up so that things fall through into another universe. We have no idea what the Bermuda Triangle is, but then we're still trying to figure out the Patagonian Hexagon and the Wichita Square, and they're supposed to be simple.
C is for CHANNELING. CHANNELING is what Channels do. A Channel is a person who does channeling. Is that clear? Let's try again. Suppose someone is dead (or at least highly evolved and not in a body) and wants to talk to people who are still alive (or at least hanging out in a body). Okay, one more time. Suppose higher entities want to talk to us lower entities. They can't talk directly to most of us because our minds are too busy to listen. So they find someone whose mind isn't as active to act as a channel. This person channels information from the higher entity to us lower entities. Naturally the channel charges for this information, but that's only so the channel can continue to provide this valuable public service. Channeling is very popular these days. It seems the other dimensions are filled with entities with something to say. In fact, so many of us lower entities are becoming channels ourselves that soon we may all be channels. Everybody will talking and nobody will be listening. Guess that's what the New Age is all about.
C is for CHRISTIANS. CHRISTIANS are people who advocate the teachings of a man named Jesus Christ (See JESUS). Note: There are also people who actually follow these teachings as well, but nobody knows much about them. No one is quite sure if Christianity is "relevant" anymore. Many New Age People used to be Christians but moved on because they thought Christianity was too old-fashioned. For some reason older religions like Hinduism, Sufism, and Buddhism are considered more modern. They're certainly more fashionable.
C is for CRYSTALS. CRYSTALS are pretty rocks. They are considered to be better than other pretty rocks because they vibrate. Of course vibrators vibrate too. But they're used for different purposes. (Ouch. We hope so.) It used to be that you could buy pretty rocks like crystals for a few cents. Now they go for $10 and up. Way up. People use crystals to make contact with higher intelligences. People who pay that kind of money for rocks obviously need contact with higher intelligences.
D is for DRUGS. DRUGS are things which people put in their mouths, arms, or noses to feel different. People take them to wake up, go to sleep, liven up, calm down, see things, stop seeing things, feel better, or stop feeling at all. Others take them just to pass the time. Some Drugs are legal. They make lots of money for Tobacco and Liquor Companies. Other drugs are kind of legal. They make lots of money for Pharmaceutical Companies. Still other drugs aren't legal at all. They make lots of money for farmers, self-employed businessmen, politicians, bankers, and government and law enforcement agencies. No one knows if there will be Drugs in the New Age. We hope so. Otherwise, the New Age could be real tough to get through.
E is for ENLIGHTENMENT. ENLIGHTENMENT is what all Genuine New Age People are after. Nobody really knows what it is, but everyone agrees it must be better than being unenlightened, which is what we've got now. People believe that if you are Enlightened you will never have any problems again. You will have all the money and things you need (although you won't care about them) and you can spend the rest of your life (or lives) just grooving with Nature and God. (See separate listings). There are, admittedly, some Spiritual Teachers who claim that after you become Enlightened your work has only just begun. They have few followers.
F is for FIREWALKING. FIREWALKING is walking on hot coals in bare feet. Ouch! Yes, that's what we said. People pay to learn how to walk on hot coals so that they can learn to transcend the petty limitations of their beliefs. They believe that once they believe they can walk on hot coals they can believe anything. We believe that too.
G is for GLOBAL VILLAGE. In the New Age we will all live in a GLOBAL VILLAGE. This means that everybody will be connected with everybody else and that instead of having lots of little governments that nobody likes, we will have one big government which for some reason everybody is expected to like. When we have one big Global Village, everybody will be a Citizen of the World, and we won't need passports any more. According to some sources, a simple mark on the forehead will be sufficient.
G is for GOD. GOD is the One who started it all. Many people still carry a grudge about that. He is also the One who made all the rules. This upsets many people who would rather make their own rules. These people have decided that God doesn't exist. Fortunately for them, He hasn't done the same. Many New Age People want to find God, although they have a hard time explaining how they lost Him in the first place. According to most reports, God would not be easy to misplace. Perhaps people figure it's more fun to look for Him than to find Him.
G is for GURU. A GURU is a person who teaches you things. It has been said that everyone is your Guru. This of course implies that you are everyone else's Guru as well. Have you been shirking your responsibilities? You better get on with it. Being a Guru is a serious business. At least most of the better-known Gurus are serious about their business. Just ask their accountants.
H is for HEALTH FOOD. HEALTH FOOD is what all New Age People try to eat. Health Food makes them radiant, clear-eyed, mucus-free, and regular. All official Health Food is organic, which means the guy who sells it claims it has no dirty-old chemical and artificial things in it. Health Food usually costs a bundle. Eating Health Food gives a New Age Person such a healthy, sensitive body that it absolutely freaks out if it takes in something unhealthy. Considering our environment, would you really like to have a body like that?
I is for I CHING. The I CHING is a very old Chinese book. People throw coins and then read in the I Ching what their future will be and what they should do about it. This is considered to be much more profound than flipping a coin.
I is for INDIA. INDIA is where all Genuine New Age People go to find Truth. India has the Truth because it is a very spiritual country. People in India are so spiritual, that they even die spiritually. Millions of them every year.
K is for KARMA. KARMA is what happens when you do something. If you do something nice, you get nice back. If you do something wicked, you're up a creek. Of course you may not get it until another lifetime, at which time you'll probably have forgotten how it started and ask "Why me?" Karma is a Cosmic Law. That means you can ignore it all you want but there's no way you can get away from it. But keep on trying if you like. It passes the time.
K is for KUNDALINI. KUNDALINI is a serpent of energy curled up at the base of the spine, which rises when one meditates on it. When one gets really good at it, the Kundalini comes all the way up the spine, frazzles the brain, and leaps out the top. This is considered very desirable by people who practice Kundalini. Lots of people practicing Kundalini have been so successful that they are now living in nice, quiet places where they can be with others like themselves. (See LSD).
L is for LEVITATION. LEVITATION means defying the law of gravity and floating above the ground. There are now people who will teach you how to levitate. Apparently the method involves relieving yourself of certain unessential encumbrances (tens, twenties, fifties) thereby lightening your essential self. Levitation, incidentally, is how the Egyptians built their pyramids (See PYRAMIDS). People often wonder how they carried those big stones up the steps of half-finished pyramids. They didn't. They built them from the top down.
L is for LOVE. LOVE is what the New Age is all about. True New Age People love everyone. You can tell this because they smile very sweetly, speak in soft, gentle voices, radiate total acceptance, and forgive you immediately for all your faults. If you enjoy this sort of Pure Saintly Behavior you are a New Age Person and deserve to be around it. However, if Pure Saintly Behavior drives you up a wall, and your idea of Love is a little more lively than that, we suggest you look elsewhere for companionship. After all, there are still a few good years of pre-New Age left to enjoy.
M is for MAHARISHI. MAHARISHI is the nice man who is in charge of Transcendental Meditation (See TM). He loves flowers, perfume, incense, and little children. He is a very popular man who can often be seen on TV talk shows. Maharishi is almost like Mom and Apple Pie, and we think we better not say any more here before we check with our lawyers.
N is for NUMEROLOGY. NUMEROLOGY is the science of Numbers. No, it's not like Arithmetic. That is a different kind of science. Numerology is about the meaning of numbers. Each number from 1 to 9 has a special meaning. Your name has its own special number. If you add up all its letters (A=1, B=2, and so on), you'll get a number that tells you your life's path. If you don't like that particular path, you can change your name and get a new one that gives you a better path. You don't think Arnold Schwarzenegger was born with that name, do you?
O is for OM. OM is a New Age Word. In fact, it is a Very New Age Word. When someone chants Om, that person becomes One With The Universe. Because it is a very powerful word, you should not repeat Om more than 1728 times at one sitting. If you do, you might become so One With The Universe that you will never....ever....come...back. You've been warned.
P is for POWER SPOTS. POWER SPOTS are places on the planet that have extra special energy. New Age people are fascinated by Power Spots because New Age people think energy is, like, wow. Power Spots include places like Stonehenge, the Great Pyramid, Machu Picchu, Mt. Shasta, and Shirley MacLaine's birthplace. New Age People are convinced that Power Spots are directly connected with: 1) Ancient civilizations 2) Secret societies 3) Flying saucers, and 4) Planetary Chakras (See CHAKRAS). New Age People like to visit Power Spots because they consider them places for 1) Great Meditation 2) Great Sex 3) Great Shopping, and 4) Great Meditative Sex. Power Spots are not places like the White House, the Kremlin, Wall Street, Hollywood, and your neighborhood nuclear plant. New Age People consider those places to be low energy spots. What do you think? Which kinds of places do you think have the most power?
Q is for QUAKE. QUAKE is short for Earthquake, or as they say in California, "The Big One." When the Quake happens, California will go splash, a fairly noticeable sign that the New Age is on its way, with some minor inconveniences in between - like war, famine, pestilence, volcanic eruptions, and a shortage of good Chardonnay. As Californians all think they already live in the New Age, they don't exactly see the Quake as an improvement. But it sounds so exciting none of them want to miss it. It's unlikely many of them will.
R is for REINCARNATION. REINCARNATION means that after we die we come back in a new body for another lifetime, then we die, then we come back again and so on, over and over. All these bodies are human bodies. Some people think Reincarnation means coming back as an animal. That is called Transmigration and is very, very unusual. It will happen only if you Really Screw Up. As long as you don't commit the One Cardinal Sin, you'll be all right. (You're not committing it, are you?) Supposedly we keep reincarnating until we learn our lessons, whatever they may be. Since most of us are a little slow at catching on to things, we've been doing this for millions of years. This is called being on the Wheel of Karma. Some people think Reincarnation is a great excuse for waiting till the next lifetime to do anything. Others, who have gotten bored with the whole thing, figure they'd just as soon get off the Wheel of Karma now. They might not be in such a hurry if they knew what the next Wheel is like.
S is for SATAN. SATAN is also known as the Devil. He is an evil-looking fellow with horns, forked tail, and bad breath. Satan has been playing against God (See GOD) for a long time now, trying to take over control of the Universe. Of course God made up the game in the first place, so he's not too concerned about the outcome. The pieces God and Satan play with are called People. Many of these pieces enjoy telling each other that as soon as Satan loses, the New Age will begin. Oh yeah. Who are they trying to kid? As soon as anybody loses, the game is over. Then all the pieces go back in the box.
S is for SCIENTOLOGY. SCIENTOLOGY is........one moment, please. There is someone knocking at the door. We will be right back................................................ ...Here we are again. Sorry, but after talking to that very persuasive, very large person at the door we have decided that we will leave the subject of Scientology and find something else to talk about.
S is for SEX. SEX is...well, you probably already have a rough idea what sex is. Although New Age People think sex is more than you think it is. (See TANTRA). It is unclear if there will be any Sex in the New Age. Some people think we will transcend all that nasty physical stuff. Other people, who still think that nasty physical stuff is a lot of fun, hope it will just get better and aren't much interested in the New Age without it. Come to think of it, how long do you think the New Age would last without it?
S is for SHIRLEY MACLAINE. SHIRLEY MACLAINE is a New Age Person. Shirley discovered that there are other realities. In one of these realities she is a teacher who fills huge auditoriums with people willing to pay much money to learn how to become a New Age Person. In that same reality she also sells New Age Books, sells New Age TV programs, and is starting a center where she can sell New Age courses. Shirley thinks reality is pretty neat. At least the one she's in. Yours may be different.
T is for TANTRA. TANTRA is a special kind of sex (See SEX) which is done for spiritual reasons. It naturally appeals to Americans, who have all been brought up believing that Sex is dirty. With Tantra we can all fuck ourselves to Higher Consciousness. God is good.
T is for THIRD EYE. The THIRD EYE is the one in the middle of your forehead which you might not have noticed yet, but which all New Age People want to open. They figure if they can see two dimensions with one eye, and three dimensions with two eyes, just imagine what they might see with three eyes! One supposed method of opening the Third Eye is by drilling a hole in the forehead. This has not been a popular technique. Another way is through meditation (See MEDITATION). Still another way is to say nice things to it and coax it open. Once you get your Third Eye open, we'll tell you about Cleaning the Third Ear.
W is for WHOLE EARTH. WHOLE EARTH means the entire planet on which we live. The symbol of the Whole Earth is a picture of the Earth taken from space. It shows a beautiful blue-green gem shining in the black void of space. Unfortunately that jewel in space is covered with a lot of people who believe in Part Earth. And they generally think their part is better than the other parts. Whole Earth People tend to think the whole thing is pretty nice. And that there's really no way to divide the thing into parts anyhow. Well, there is one way. But it's unlikely anybody would be able to put it back together again. We think Whole Earth is a pretty good idea.
Y is for YIN/YANG. YIN/YANG is an ancient Oriental concept. Because it is very ancient, it is automatically considered to be very profound by New Age People. There's nothing like ancient wisdom to impress the hell out of New Age People, and Yin/Yang is about as ancient as wisdom can get. Yin/Yang means that everything has its opposite within it. Every Yin has a little Yang inside, and every Yang contains a little Yin. What this means to New Age People is that everything that seems one way is really kind of the other way too. And that opposites aren't really opposed because in some way they're already like their opposition. Therefore, since nothing is really what it seems -- and generally more like what it doesn't seem -- there's not much sense in worrying about anything because it's not what we thought it was anyhow. Don't you find this ancient wisdom reassuring? We'll bet your life’s starting to feel enriched already.
Z is for ZEN. ZEN is everything. It is the indefinable made manifest. (Or is it the manifest made indefinable? Zen can be very confusing.) Anyway, in addition to being everything, Zen is also nothing. Therefore it is not necessary to do Zen. Nevertheless, there are special places called Zen monasteries where people do Zen, which of course they were already doing even when they weren't doing Zen.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 26th
You Know You Have a Bad Computer When...
10. The lower corner of screen has the words "Etch A Sketch"
on it.
9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of
cigarettes.
8. You have to pedal it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good luck!"
6. The only chip inside came from a bag of Doritos.
5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start
howling.
4. You catch a virus from it.
3. The screen frequently freezes and a message comes up:
"Ain't it break time, Chester?"
2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.
1. It cyber-snickers at you.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Lexus
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Wrapping Presents with a Cat
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present. 2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door. 3. Open door and remove cat from closet. 4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. 5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard. 6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . . 7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed. 8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string. 9. Remove present from bag. 10. Remove cat from bag. 11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present. 12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size. 13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat. 14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight. 15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper. 16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in. 17. Place present on paper. 18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat. 19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape. 20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors. 21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. 22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon. 23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn. 24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase. 25. Repeat steps 17-24 until you reach last sheet of paper. 26. Decide to skip steps 17-21 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper. 27. Put present in box, and tie down with string. 28. Remove string, open box and remove cat. 29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room. 30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials. 31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock. 32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door) 33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best) 34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well. 35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable. 36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas. 37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job. 38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat. 39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion. 40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat. 41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.
+++++++++++++++++++
Think About It
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. - It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. - Never test the depth of the water with both feet. - It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. - If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. - If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. - Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. - Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. - To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world. - Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. - A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous. - Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. - Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. - Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. - Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked. - Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Holidays
An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. And Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. Muslims have their holidays, too." "Every religion has holidays to celebrate. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holiday. It's an unfair discrimination" His friend replied..."Well, why don't you celebrate April 1st?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a
parking ticket.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away...
if your car could go straight upwards." --Sir Fred Hoyle
***
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of
life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', but did any-
one ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'?!" --Socrates
***
"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your
life." --George Carlin
10. The lower corner of screen has the words "Etch A Sketch"
on it.
9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of
cigarettes.
8. You have to pedal it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good luck!"
6. The only chip inside came from a bag of Doritos.
5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start
howling.
4. You catch a virus from it.
3. The screen frequently freezes and a message comes up:
"Ain't it break time, Chester?"
2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.
1. It cyber-snickers at you.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Lexus
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Wrapping Presents with a Cat
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present. 2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door. 3. Open door and remove cat from closet. 4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. 5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard. 6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . . 7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed. 8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string. 9. Remove present from bag. 10. Remove cat from bag. 11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present. 12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size. 13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat. 14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight. 15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper. 16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in. 17. Place present on paper. 18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat. 19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape. 20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors. 21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. 22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon. 23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn. 24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase. 25. Repeat steps 17-24 until you reach last sheet of paper. 26. Decide to skip steps 17-21 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper. 27. Put present in box, and tie down with string. 28. Remove string, open box and remove cat. 29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room. 30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials. 31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock. 32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door) 33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best) 34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well. 35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable. 36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas. 37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job. 38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat. 39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion. 40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat. 41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.
+++++++++++++++++++
Think About It
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. - It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. - Never test the depth of the water with both feet. - It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. - If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. - If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. - Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. - Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. - To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world. - Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. - A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous. - Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. - Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. - Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. - Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked. - Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Holidays
An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. And Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. Muslims have their holidays, too." "Every religion has holidays to celebrate. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holiday. It's an unfair discrimination" His friend replied..."Well, why don't you celebrate April 1st?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a
parking ticket.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away...
if your car could go straight upwards." --Sir Fred Hoyle
***
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of
life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', but did any-
one ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'?!" --Socrates
***
"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your
life." --George Carlin
Saturday, August 25, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 25th
"Van Halen have announced they are getting back together.
They will start touring on September 27. On September 28,
they will realize that David Lee Roth is a pain in the ass,
and they will break up again." -Craig Ferguson
***
"President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers
are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's
doing more when he's not doing the job." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it
was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day
and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat.
He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what
he thought about least of all was his rent.
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding
the three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm
on the verge of making some sales."
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story
last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some-
day this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge
a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this
disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able
to say it tomorrow morning."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed
two pretty girls looking at me.
"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.
Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy
and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I
walked in, they were speaking German."
+++++++++++++++++++
Self Help
When a man's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address??
+++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please" Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off." ---------------------------------------------------On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone >box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on." ---------------------------------------------------------Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?" ----------------------------------------------------This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!
+++++++++++++++++++
Because of the climate of political correctnessnow pervading America, those of us in Arkansas andMissouri will no longer be referred to as HILLBILLIES.
We ask that you now refer to us as OZARK-AMERICANS.
Thank you!
Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry.
+++++++++++++++++++
Won't CookI put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer, a feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon, I phoned my 14-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel some potatoes. Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't cooked. The oven didn't come on."The roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time, since I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided to turn the oven on myself. Again before leaving work, I called my son to check the roast and get the potatoes started. Again he called me back. "The roast still isn't cooked.""Listen," I said. "I know the oven's on. I turned it on before I left. I didn't use the timer.""Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just that the roast is still in the refrigerator."
They will start touring on September 27. On September 28,
they will realize that David Lee Roth is a pain in the ass,
and they will break up again." -Craig Ferguson
***
"President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers
are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's
doing more when he's not doing the job." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it
was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day
and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat.
He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what
he thought about least of all was his rent.
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding
the three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm
on the verge of making some sales."
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story
last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some-
day this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge
a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this
disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able
to say it tomorrow morning."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed
two pretty girls looking at me.
"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.
Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy
and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I
walked in, they were speaking German."
+++++++++++++++++++
Self Help
When a man's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address??
+++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please" Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off." ---------------------------------------------------On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone >box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on." ---------------------------------------------------------Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?" ----------------------------------------------------This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!
+++++++++++++++++++
Because of the climate of political correctnessnow pervading America, those of us in Arkansas andMissouri will no longer be referred to as HILLBILLIES.
We ask that you now refer to us as OZARK-AMERICANS.
Thank you!
Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry.
+++++++++++++++++++
Won't CookI put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer, a feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon, I phoned my 14-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel some potatoes. Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't cooked. The oven didn't come on."The roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time, since I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided to turn the oven on myself. Again before leaving work, I called my son to check the roast and get the potatoes started. Again he called me back. "The roast still isn't cooked.""Listen," I said. "I know the oven's on. I turned it on before I left. I didn't use the timer.""Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just that the roast is still in the refrigerator."
Friday, August 24, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 24th
Road Repair
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."
+++++++++++++++++++
It's a Girl
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers. "I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds." "When was she born?" someone asked. Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Silly Bird Riddles
What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird.
Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe.
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.
What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English.
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk you ear off.
What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A great walkie-talkie.
+++++++++++++++++++
Biggest LiarTwo boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.""You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
+++++++++++++++++++
Friends vs Southern Friends
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.
FRIENDS: Will say "hello."
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More
than one.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and really
mean it, too.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing,
and just being together. Then do the dishes before leaving.
FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from
you. And most of the time know you better than you do
yourself.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" If you
are not home they will wait.
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.
If one is deprived of Southern Friends, this will serve as
an excellent educational tool for why they need to look into
the possibility.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother's Wedding Dress
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
+++++++++++++++++++
Who broke down the walls of Jericho?
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!" The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth." Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story... After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the wall!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Country song titles
Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries: - Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out - You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa - Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart - I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day - She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me - The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long - Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi - I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf - Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother Teresa and God
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replied. So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet. The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..." God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
+++++++++++++++++++
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought
she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient
son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you
mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Bedouin wandering in the Sahara happened upon an American dressed in a
bathing suit, flip-flops, a big, over-sized T-shirt and sunglasses. The
Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, "What are you doing all the way out here
dressed like that!?"
"I'm going swimming," the tourist explained.
"But the ocean is five hundred miles away," the Arab informed him.
"five hundred miles!" the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation.
"Boy, what a beach!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw
+++++++++++++++++++
"A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel
in space. A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost
you another million to eat a Snickers from the mini bar."
-Conan O'Brien
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."
+++++++++++++++++++
It's a Girl
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers. "I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds." "When was she born?" someone asked. Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Silly Bird Riddles
What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird.
Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe.
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.
What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English.
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk you ear off.
What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A great walkie-talkie.
+++++++++++++++++++
Biggest LiarTwo boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.""You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
+++++++++++++++++++
Friends vs Southern Friends
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.
FRIENDS: Will say "hello."
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More
than one.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and really
mean it, too.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing,
and just being together. Then do the dishes before leaving.
FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from
you. And most of the time know you better than you do
yourself.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" If you
are not home they will wait.
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.
If one is deprived of Southern Friends, this will serve as
an excellent educational tool for why they need to look into
the possibility.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother's Wedding Dress
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
+++++++++++++++++++
Who broke down the walls of Jericho?
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!" The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth." Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story... After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the wall!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Country song titles
Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries: - Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out - You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa - Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart - I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day - She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me - The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long - Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi - I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf - Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother Teresa and God
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replied. So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet. The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..." God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
+++++++++++++++++++
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought
she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient
son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you
mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Bedouin wandering in the Sahara happened upon an American dressed in a
bathing suit, flip-flops, a big, over-sized T-shirt and sunglasses. The
Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, "What are you doing all the way out here
dressed like that!?"
"I'm going swimming," the tourist explained.
"But the ocean is five hundred miles away," the Arab informed him.
"five hundred miles!" the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation.
"Boy, what a beach!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw
+++++++++++++++++++
"A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel
in space. A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost
you another million to eat a Snickers from the mini bar."
-Conan O'Brien
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 22nd
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is
that it has never tried to contact us." - Calvin and Hobbes --Bill Watterson
+++++++++++++++++++
Late to work
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cross Examination
A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness when he stopped and said, “Your honor, a juror is asleep.” The Judge ruled, “You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
No Tail Light
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep
- Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes? - Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job? - If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock? - If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters? - If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it? - If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll? - What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'? - What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? - Why can't pigs look up into the sky? - Why do pigs have curly tails? - Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs? - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? - Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn? - Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it? - Would a small pig be called a hamlet?
+++++++++++++++++++
Honey-Do Syndrome
A middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy.
"Arthritis with complications?" she asked.
The wife shook her head, "No, Do-It-Yourself," she explained, "With concrete blocks."
+++++++++++++++++++
The blonde at the movies
We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?""No!" she said in a loud whisper.
"The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
UpLovers of the English language might enjoy this ... How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English?There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.And this up is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitionsIf you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ....Time to shut UP .....!
+++++++++++++++++++
"I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are
just as scared of me as I am of them; they just show it
differently. They show it by barking and snapping at me,
and I show it by wetting myself." --Dakota Shepard
***
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please
insult my wife. She loves your work. It would really give
her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself...To be married to a woman like that
and not be able to think up your own insults!"
+++++++++++++++++++
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment.
She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was
getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell
phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality
of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going
to tell anybody about this!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice
to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?"
he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle
costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a
smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"
Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something
really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
+++++++++++++++++++
What It Means
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by. She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"
+++++++++++++++++++
George and Moses
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses". The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness".
that it has never tried to contact us." - Calvin and Hobbes --Bill Watterson
+++++++++++++++++++
Late to work
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cross Examination
A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness when he stopped and said, “Your honor, a juror is asleep.” The Judge ruled, “You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
No Tail Light
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep
- Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes? - Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job? - If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock? - If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters? - If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it? - If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll? - What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'? - What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? - Why can't pigs look up into the sky? - Why do pigs have curly tails? - Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs? - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? - Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn? - Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it? - Would a small pig be called a hamlet?
+++++++++++++++++++
Honey-Do Syndrome
A middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy.
"Arthritis with complications?" she asked.
The wife shook her head, "No, Do-It-Yourself," she explained, "With concrete blocks."
+++++++++++++++++++
The blonde at the movies
We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?""No!" she said in a loud whisper.
"The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
UpLovers of the English language might enjoy this ... How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English?There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.And this up is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitionsIf you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ....Time to shut UP .....!
+++++++++++++++++++
"I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are
just as scared of me as I am of them; they just show it
differently. They show it by barking and snapping at me,
and I show it by wetting myself." --Dakota Shepard
***
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please
insult my wife. She loves your work. It would really give
her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself...To be married to a woman like that
and not be able to think up your own insults!"
+++++++++++++++++++
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment.
She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was
getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell
phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality
of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going
to tell anybody about this!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice
to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?"
he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle
costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a
smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"
Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something
really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
+++++++++++++++++++
What It Means
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by. She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"
+++++++++++++++++++
George and Moses
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses". The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness".
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 21st
"In Flori-DUH, a man whose name is Harry Potter says that he
is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks
the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street,
Joey Voldermort." -Conan O'Brien
***
"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the
presidency after getting caught lying and violating the
Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get
you kicked out of office?" -Jay Leno
***
"Smokey the Bear turns 47 today. I never trusted Smokey the
Bear. Kids, if you see a bear wearing a ranger's hat, it's
because the bear ate the ranger!" -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at
engineering university. I worked repairing construction
equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had
some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts
had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating
the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this,
one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.
He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if
I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip
on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and
shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I
always wondered about that," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
The receptionist for the company where I'm employed found
some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.
She sent out an e-mail: "If anybody can say where he/she
lost $66, please let me know, and it will be returned."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Super Bowl, 2005."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Hillary Clinton ... is upset right now with a columnist from the Washington Post's 'Fashion' section. The columnist pointed out that Hillary showed a little cleavage during a speech that she made on the Senate floor. ... Who'd have ever thought a controversy involving a Clinton and cleavage would be about Hillary?" --Jimmy Kimmel "A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge ... right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno "Are you talking about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks? ... Everybody's talking about it. She's dressing so much sexier. Folks down in Washington in the Capitol building say they haven't seen this much cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman "Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared this evening on 'Larry King Live.' Doctors say he looked old, pale and sickly. And so did Cheney." --Conan O'Brien "Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno "Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan O'Brien "Shocking news from ... Alaska. We're all familiar with our good friend in the Senate, the lovably cantankerous Ted Stevens. ... It turns out the FBI and the IRS want to even get more familiar with Ted Stevens. Yesterday, the FBI and the IRS raided the noted technology guru's home. The raid ... was part of an investigation into claims Stevens has accepted gifts from an oil company in exchange for getting it lucrative state contracts. ... Investigators seemed especially interested in Steven's wine collection, taking photos of both the cases of wine and individual bottles, including his private stock of Chateau de $1,000 in cash. Which, as you know, goes great with anything ... that costs $1,000." --Jon Stewart
+++++++++++++++++++
An accordion, a set of bagpipes, and a viola
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who cares?
+++++++++++++++++++
US Army private filling out a questionnaire ...
A US Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, “How long has your present employer been in business?” He thought for a moment, and then wrote, “Since 1776.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Registration
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at
a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear-
view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I
handed the officer my license and made small talk while my
wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my
wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said
gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in
Florida.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cab RideOn a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport in Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by my hospitable Indian host.The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?""Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A 94-year-old great-great grandmother has become the oldest
person in the world to earn a Masters degree. She says she
plans to continue her education. Everyone is excited for the
94 year old, except her student loan officer." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Soccer mania is sweeping the nation with the arrival of
David Beckham. He got a $250 million deal to play for the
L.A. Galaxy. Two hundred and fifty million is a lot for a
sport people want to see...never mind soccer." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
"Supreme Court Justice John Roberts is back on the bench,
even though he is prone to seizures. When President Bush
heard this, he said, 'That's great 'cause I'm prone to
illegal searches'" -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
A grocer put up a sign that read: "Eggplants, 25¢ each or
three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming, "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that
sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the
blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his
way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four
catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and
throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if
you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She
prefers that for supper tonight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Haircut
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
+++++++++++++++++++
I put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year-old
son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his
plate, except for the turnip.
I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been
left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.
Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."
+++++++++++++++++++
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.
is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks
the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street,
Joey Voldermort." -Conan O'Brien
***
"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the
presidency after getting caught lying and violating the
Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get
you kicked out of office?" -Jay Leno
***
"Smokey the Bear turns 47 today. I never trusted Smokey the
Bear. Kids, if you see a bear wearing a ranger's hat, it's
because the bear ate the ranger!" -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at
engineering university. I worked repairing construction
equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had
some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts
had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating
the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this,
one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.
He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if
I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip
on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and
shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I
always wondered about that," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
The receptionist for the company where I'm employed found
some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.
She sent out an e-mail: "If anybody can say where he/she
lost $66, please let me know, and it will be returned."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Super Bowl, 2005."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Hillary Clinton ... is upset right now with a columnist from the Washington Post's 'Fashion' section. The columnist pointed out that Hillary showed a little cleavage during a speech that she made on the Senate floor. ... Who'd have ever thought a controversy involving a Clinton and cleavage would be about Hillary?" --Jimmy Kimmel "A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge ... right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno "Are you talking about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks? ... Everybody's talking about it. She's dressing so much sexier. Folks down in Washington in the Capitol building say they haven't seen this much cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman "Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared this evening on 'Larry King Live.' Doctors say he looked old, pale and sickly. And so did Cheney." --Conan O'Brien "Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno "Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan O'Brien "Shocking news from ... Alaska. We're all familiar with our good friend in the Senate, the lovably cantankerous Ted Stevens. ... It turns out the FBI and the IRS want to even get more familiar with Ted Stevens. Yesterday, the FBI and the IRS raided the noted technology guru's home. The raid ... was part of an investigation into claims Stevens has accepted gifts from an oil company in exchange for getting it lucrative state contracts. ... Investigators seemed especially interested in Steven's wine collection, taking photos of both the cases of wine and individual bottles, including his private stock of Chateau de $1,000 in cash. Which, as you know, goes great with anything ... that costs $1,000." --Jon Stewart
+++++++++++++++++++
An accordion, a set of bagpipes, and a viola
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who cares?
+++++++++++++++++++
US Army private filling out a questionnaire ...
A US Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, “How long has your present employer been in business?” He thought for a moment, and then wrote, “Since 1776.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Registration
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at
a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear-
view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I
handed the officer my license and made small talk while my
wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my
wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said
gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in
Florida.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cab RideOn a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport in Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by my hospitable Indian host.The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?""Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A 94-year-old great-great grandmother has become the oldest
person in the world to earn a Masters degree. She says she
plans to continue her education. Everyone is excited for the
94 year old, except her student loan officer." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Soccer mania is sweeping the nation with the arrival of
David Beckham. He got a $250 million deal to play for the
L.A. Galaxy. Two hundred and fifty million is a lot for a
sport people want to see...never mind soccer." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
"Supreme Court Justice John Roberts is back on the bench,
even though he is prone to seizures. When President Bush
heard this, he said, 'That's great 'cause I'm prone to
illegal searches'" -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
A grocer put up a sign that read: "Eggplants, 25¢ each or
three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming, "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that
sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the
blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his
way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four
catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and
throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if
you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She
prefers that for supper tonight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Haircut
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
+++++++++++++++++++
I put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year-old
son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his
plate, except for the turnip.
I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been
left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.
Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."
+++++++++++++++++++
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.
Monday, August 20, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 20th
Name Spelling
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee." "How do you spell that?" asked the teacher. "My mother helps me," said the little boy.
+++++++++++++++++++
Near Death Experience
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live," Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Need A Lift Version 1
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
Need A Lift Version 2
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said. "No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator." "Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts". "Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator." "Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language".
+++++++++++++++++++
"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Another scorching day. They say this heat is either due to
global warming or because it's July. They are not quite sure."
-Jay Leno
***
"David and Victoria Beckham arrived in L.A. from England
last week. She's the former Spice Girl, he's the famous
soccer player. I guess we're supposed to be excited about
this, even though we don't care about soccer or the Spice
Girls." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
Knowing that photography was a passion of mine, my cousin
asked if I'd take her wedding pictures. I agreed, but
instantly became a nervous wreck. Would the photos be in
focus? Would she like the composition? Could I get a shot
of everyone?
Finally my wife heard enough. "Stop worrying about it!"
she said. "If they'd wanted a real photographer they would
have gotten one."
+++++++++++++++++++
As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I
directed officers late one night to strategic positions
around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding.
Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have
an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my
command.
At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw
a light on the roof."
The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." The husband said "What?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
+++++++++++++++++++
Flakey Murder
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there. "What happened?" asks the first officer. "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?" "You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Algebraic symbols
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever
heard of."
The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"
"No, she remembers everything."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some
young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was
brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area
can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper
equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost
in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage.
However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads
changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had
repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
+++++++++++++++++++
Nostalgia: A sentiment that combines yesterday's prices and today's incomes.
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee." "How do you spell that?" asked the teacher. "My mother helps me," said the little boy.
+++++++++++++++++++
Near Death Experience
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live," Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Need A Lift Version 1
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
Need A Lift Version 2
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said. "No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator." "Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts". "Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator." "Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language".
+++++++++++++++++++
"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Another scorching day. They say this heat is either due to
global warming or because it's July. They are not quite sure."
-Jay Leno
***
"David and Victoria Beckham arrived in L.A. from England
last week. She's the former Spice Girl, he's the famous
soccer player. I guess we're supposed to be excited about
this, even though we don't care about soccer or the Spice
Girls." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
Knowing that photography was a passion of mine, my cousin
asked if I'd take her wedding pictures. I agreed, but
instantly became a nervous wreck. Would the photos be in
focus? Would she like the composition? Could I get a shot
of everyone?
Finally my wife heard enough. "Stop worrying about it!"
she said. "If they'd wanted a real photographer they would
have gotten one."
+++++++++++++++++++
As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I
directed officers late one night to strategic positions
around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding.
Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have
an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my
command.
At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw
a light on the roof."
The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." The husband said "What?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
+++++++++++++++++++
Flakey Murder
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there. "What happened?" asks the first officer. "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?" "You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Algebraic symbols
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever
heard of."
The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"
"No, she remembers everything."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some
young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was
brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area
can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper
equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost
in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage.
However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads
changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had
repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
+++++++++++++++++++
Nostalgia: A sentiment that combines yesterday's prices and today's incomes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)