Things To Say When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
+++++++++++++++++++
Remember Me?One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us."Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher."
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Upturn GirlHave you had a demonstration lately?Trying for the 'Best Cervix' award...
A blonde walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the “upturn”.“I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?” asked the nurse on duty.“Yes,” said the blonde. “I want to have a 'contamination.' ”“You mean 'examination,' ” the nurse corrected her.“Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway.”“I'm sure you mean the maternity ward.”To which the blonde replied, “Upturn, intern, contamination, examination, fraternity, maternity... what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant.”
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Little Vernie's Grace-Full ExitUnder trying circumstances Little Vernie says grace...
Little Vernie had been very naughty at the dinner table, and he was sent away from the 'big table' where his parents were eating. Little Vernie sat at his 'little table', miffed and pouting.After his father said grace, in the silence that ensued, he said his prayer: “I thank thee, Lord, that thou has prepared a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.”
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Do Not Feed The AnimalsWhen it IS OK to feed the animals...
The San Diego Zoo zookeeper spotted a Chinese visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit.“Why are you doing that?” asked the keeper.“The sign says it's okay,” replied the visitor.“No, it doesn't.”“Yes, it does. It says 'Do not feed. $10 fine.' ”
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Sick PoemWhat to do with your cold...'Feed a Cold' or 'Starve a Fever'?
Mary had a little cold,But wouldn’t stay at home,And everywhere that Mary went,The cold was sure to roam.It wandered into Sally’s eyesAnd filled them full of tears;It jumped from there to Henry’s nose,And thence to Jimmy’s ears;It painted Anna’s throat bright red,And swelled poor Jenny’s head;Dora had a fever,And a cough put Jack to bed.The moral of this little taleIs very quickly said –Mary could have saved a lot of painWith just one day in bed!
+++++++++++++++++++
"In a recent speech, Fidel Castro said the United States can-
not successfully compete with Cuba. If you want to hear the
speech, it's available in Havana on eight-track tape."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors,
Bill Gates said it's puzzling why more kids don't want to
become computer programmers. Gee, I don't know, you think
maybe it's because at some point they'd actually like to
have a girlfriend." --Jay Leno
***
"Al Gore's daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore's no
fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast
the ice sculpture is melting." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around
frowning.
Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any
green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the
catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and deter-
mines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the
pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you
want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to
find in the sand traps!"
+++++++++++++++++++
While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing
students from Southern California. After chatting them up
awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the
service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the
girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they
told us how sweet that was.
Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same
sentence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of
the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants."
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John had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now
thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his
life.
Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this
awful? With every pitch and roll, John wondered how he was
going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.
One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry,
young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."
"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," John said.
+++++++++++++++++++
I bet you $1,000
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass." The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender grins at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?" The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 apiece that I could come in here, spray beer all over the bar, and have you smile about it."
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Bumpers
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes. I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"
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The Rocking Horse
A mother, visiting a department store, took her son to the toy department. Spying a gigantic rocking horse the boy climbed up on it and rocked back and forth for almost an hour. "Come on, Son," the mother pleaded. "I have to get home to get father's dinner." The little lad refused to budge, and all her efforts were unavailing. The department manager also tried to coax the little fellow without meeting with any success. Eventually, in desperation they called the store's psychiatrist. Gently he walked over and whispered a few words in the boy's ear, and immediately the lad jumped off and ran to his mother's side. "How did you do it?" the mother asked incredibly. "What did you say to him?" The psychiatrist hesitated for a moment, then said, "All I said was, `If you don't jump off that rocking horse at once, son, I'll knock the stuffing out of you!'"
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Funny News Headlines
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
hUMOR For July 30th
If God had intended for us to vote, He would have given us candidates.
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16 Police Comments taken off actual police car videos
#16 "You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER ....
#1 “You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.”
+++++++++++++++++++
"The National Hockey League announced it's going to kick off
next season with a game in London. It'll be the first time
in League history that the people in the stands will have
worse teeth than the guys on the ice." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The L.A. Galaxy, a local indoor soccer team, paid out $250
million to sign David Beckham. They're hoping he can do for
soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey, which means in 15
years no one will be watching soccer either." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Not far from here, a big underground hot-water pipe exploded.
Unbelievable — like a geyser! Nothing really fazes New
Yorkers. Here's what happened: A fat guy, he sees what's going
on, he gets undressed and takes a steam." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
The wise old Mother Superior was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but
she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the
kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her
lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then
before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down
to the last drop.
Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before
you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and pointing out the window, she said,
"Don't sell that cow!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a
lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff all over those
hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in
front of me said it was Greece."
+++++++++++++++++++
DUNKIN DONUTS BLONDE ??????????????
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" Sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won A motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a Motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as A prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager who reads...
Scroll down!! YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! I PROMISE!
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"W I N A B A G E L"
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Louisiana Senator David Vitter has admitted he was a client of the DC madam. She made public a list of all her clients' phone numbers. Here's my question: If you're so stupid to go to a prostitute and give her your real name and your Senate office phone number, how did you get elected in the first place?" --Jay Leno "President Bush held a press conference yesterday to discuss the latest report out of Iraq. He says there's plenty of reason for optimism, although I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't know what that word means." --Jimmy Kimmel "It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, has just been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good old days during a campaign, when you only had to kiss babies? It is so competitive now for what you have to do to get elected." --Jay Leno "The President's approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now, he's somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi. And by tomorrow, he's expected to rank somewhere between John Mark Karr and Chinese toothpaste." --Jimmy Kimmel "The senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, he's admitted now he dates hookers in Washington, D.C, and also in Louisiana. But, he said, in his defense, he always selected the girl with the lowest bid. So he's fiscally prudent." --David Letterman "Later this summer the first ever gay presidential debate will be held, where Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Yeah, question number one is very good. Question number one: Why can't health care be more fabulous?" --Conan O'Brien "According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a 'golf nut.' She's pretty good, too. The only sand trap she can't get out of? Iraq." --Jay Leno "Some sad news I should mention, Lady Bird Johnson passed away at the age of 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer and an icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a bird." --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
New Principal
As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
+++++++++++++++++++
VanAllen
The radiation belts surrounding the earth were discovered almost simultaneously by VanAllen and another scientist named Fan. VanAllen published first, or else the earth would have a Fan Belt.
+++++++++++++++++++
Predicting the Future
"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" -- Bill Gates, 1981 "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
+++++++++++++++++++
"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln
+++++++++++++++++++
16 Police Comments taken off actual police car videos
#16 "You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER ....
#1 “You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.”
+++++++++++++++++++
"The National Hockey League announced it's going to kick off
next season with a game in London. It'll be the first time
in League history that the people in the stands will have
worse teeth than the guys on the ice." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The L.A. Galaxy, a local indoor soccer team, paid out $250
million to sign David Beckham. They're hoping he can do for
soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey, which means in 15
years no one will be watching soccer either." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Not far from here, a big underground hot-water pipe exploded.
Unbelievable — like a geyser! Nothing really fazes New
Yorkers. Here's what happened: A fat guy, he sees what's going
on, he gets undressed and takes a steam." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
The wise old Mother Superior was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but
she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the
kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her
lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then
before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down
to the last drop.
Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before
you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and pointing out the window, she said,
"Don't sell that cow!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a
lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff all over those
hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in
front of me said it was Greece."
+++++++++++++++++++
DUNKIN DONUTS BLONDE ??????????????
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" Sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won A motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a Motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as A prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager who reads...
Scroll down!! YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! I PROMISE!
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*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
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*
*
"W I N A B A G E L"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Louisiana Senator David Vitter has admitted he was a client of the DC madam. She made public a list of all her clients' phone numbers. Here's my question: If you're so stupid to go to a prostitute and give her your real name and your Senate office phone number, how did you get elected in the first place?" --Jay Leno "President Bush held a press conference yesterday to discuss the latest report out of Iraq. He says there's plenty of reason for optimism, although I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't know what that word means." --Jimmy Kimmel "It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, has just been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good old days during a campaign, when you only had to kiss babies? It is so competitive now for what you have to do to get elected." --Jay Leno "The President's approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now, he's somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi. And by tomorrow, he's expected to rank somewhere between John Mark Karr and Chinese toothpaste." --Jimmy Kimmel "The senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, he's admitted now he dates hookers in Washington, D.C, and also in Louisiana. But, he said, in his defense, he always selected the girl with the lowest bid. So he's fiscally prudent." --David Letterman "Later this summer the first ever gay presidential debate will be held, where Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Yeah, question number one is very good. Question number one: Why can't health care be more fabulous?" --Conan O'Brien "According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a 'golf nut.' She's pretty good, too. The only sand trap she can't get out of? Iraq." --Jay Leno "Some sad news I should mention, Lady Bird Johnson passed away at the age of 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer and an icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a bird." --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
New Principal
As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
+++++++++++++++++++
VanAllen
The radiation belts surrounding the earth were discovered almost simultaneously by VanAllen and another scientist named Fan. VanAllen published first, or else the earth would have a Fan Belt.
+++++++++++++++++++
Predicting the Future
"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" -- Bill Gates, 1981 "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
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"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln
Sunday, July 29, 2007
hUMOR For July 29th
"Family Togetherness"
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
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Oneliner
"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? - An optimist."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Courtyard Murmuring"
On my recent trip to New York, I was walking near a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. So I looked in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said "N I L".
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to “The Great Nullity”, “The Blessed Emptiness”, and “The Big Zero in the Sky”.
I approached one of the white-robed cult members and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?”
- Stan Kegel
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A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom — you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Bat Solution”
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."
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"Waffle iron? Why on earth would you want to iron a waffle?
Wouldn't that just flatten out all the little squares? no,
I believe waffles should be dry cleaned. Pancakes, of course,
should always be ironed." --George Carlin
***
"Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a
work place anymore. They think of it as a stationery store
with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes,
your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee--and
then you go home." --Jerry Seinfeld
***
An off-ramp of a freeway in Long Beach, CA, has been torn
up for years. Recently, someone put up a handmade sign
reading, "Scientists tell us that the sun will burn out
in one and a half billion years. It is sad that this
contractor will have to finish working in the dark."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man picks up his golf-indifferent girlfriend after he has
come from the links. While he's driving the tees in his
pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those
things that just fell out of your pockets?"
"Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm
driving."
"Oh, well. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer."
+++++++++++++++++++
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and
regulations that customs officials must follow. But when
it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting
a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these
allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your
honor."
+++++++++++++++++++
Not Going to ChurchOn a Sunday morning a mother knocks on her son's bedroom door and tells him it's time to get up and go to church."I'm not going to church this morning," the son says."You have to get up and go to church", says mother."No, I'm not." says the son."Yes you are", says the mother."No, I'm not. They don't like me and I don't like them." says the son. "Give me two good reasons why I have to go.""Number one, you're 55 years old and number two, you're the pastor!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter
family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home
very late from a party.
The next morning, her father went out to the driveway to get
the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At
11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her
father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last
night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll
have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under
the front tire of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Vows
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
+++++++++++++++++++
Useless in the Parking Lot
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! "You even sent me a Professional!"
+++++++++++++++++++
An Old Leaf
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Exchange
The teenager approached the sales clerk in the dress shop with a large bag. My mother likes this outfit -- may I exchange it?
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? - An optimist."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Courtyard Murmuring"
On my recent trip to New York, I was walking near a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. So I looked in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said "N I L".
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to “The Great Nullity”, “The Blessed Emptiness”, and “The Big Zero in the Sky”.
I approached one of the white-robed cult members and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?”
- Stan Kegel
+++++++++++++++++++
A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom — you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Bat Solution”
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Waffle iron? Why on earth would you want to iron a waffle?
Wouldn't that just flatten out all the little squares? no,
I believe waffles should be dry cleaned. Pancakes, of course,
should always be ironed." --George Carlin
***
"Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a
work place anymore. They think of it as a stationery store
with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes,
your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee--and
then you go home." --Jerry Seinfeld
***
An off-ramp of a freeway in Long Beach, CA, has been torn
up for years. Recently, someone put up a handmade sign
reading, "Scientists tell us that the sun will burn out
in one and a half billion years. It is sad that this
contractor will have to finish working in the dark."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man picks up his golf-indifferent girlfriend after he has
come from the links. While he's driving the tees in his
pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those
things that just fell out of your pockets?"
"Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm
driving."
"Oh, well. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer."
+++++++++++++++++++
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and
regulations that customs officials must follow. But when
it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting
a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these
allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your
honor."
+++++++++++++++++++
Not Going to ChurchOn a Sunday morning a mother knocks on her son's bedroom door and tells him it's time to get up and go to church."I'm not going to church this morning," the son says."You have to get up and go to church", says mother."No, I'm not." says the son."Yes you are", says the mother."No, I'm not. They don't like me and I don't like them." says the son. "Give me two good reasons why I have to go.""Number one, you're 55 years old and number two, you're the pastor!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter
family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home
very late from a party.
The next morning, her father went out to the driveway to get
the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At
11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her
father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last
night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll
have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under
the front tire of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Vows
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
+++++++++++++++++++
Useless in the Parking Lot
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! "You even sent me a Professional!"
+++++++++++++++++++
An Old Leaf
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Exchange
The teenager approached the sales clerk in the dress shop with a large bag. My mother likes this outfit -- may I exchange it?
Saturday, July 28, 2007
hUMOR For July 28th
Advantages of Being Old
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hamster CareAfter buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species
on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other
thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of
vacuum cleaners." —Jeff Stilson
***
"My father says, 'Marry a girl who has the same belief as
the family.' I said, 'Dad, why would I marry a girl who
thinks I'm a schmuck?'" -Adam Sandler
***
"The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends.
If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've
got my life." --Jerry Seinfeld
+++++++++++++++++++
[collected, with family friendly edits, from Overheard in the
Office, Overheard on the Beach, and Overheard in New York.]
Marketing Guy: Why haven't you kept me up-to-date on this
account?
Ops Guy: I've cc'd you on every e-mail I sent to them!
Marketing Guy: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's
too much information in them. If you send me an important
e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
===
Blonde: Mmmm, it smells so good in here! Doesn't it smell
good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my
nose right now!
Friend: I know!
===
Sales Guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late....
Director of Marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?
Sales Guy: Nooooo....
Director of Marketing: Then you're dead to us. Get out.
===
Father: You see, girls, there is an election coming up, and
so far we have only had boring white men. This time we could
have a black man or a woman as our president!
Four-year-old Daughter: But Daddy, we're white!
Father: Yes, but we aren't boring.
===
Teen, trying on a jacket: How does this look on me, on a
scale of one to ten, with five being in the middle?
===
Woman: He's very successful. I'm sure he's a millionaire by
now, and he's only 26. He never even graduated from college.
Girl: I'm soooooo jealous. I wish I didn't have an education.
===
Dude: I'm sick of drama, and I'm sick of people coming down
and crashing at my beach house. It's so annoying when people
just use my stuff. Can I have some of your water?
+++++++++++++++++++
Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I
listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague.
We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.
One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking
sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally
been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make
them orange?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Start at the Very Beginning
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch,
the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So
perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I
created the heavens and the earth..."
+++++++++++++++++++
On the Windows CD
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. Too my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth: 4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C 204F6E65204F5320746F2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F 6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20616C6C20 616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64 207468656D 'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said. 'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says" 'One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them....
+++++++++++++++++++
Why do you want to join the Navy
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, Why do you want to join the Navy, son? My father said it'd be a good idea, sir. Oh? And what does your father do? He's in the Army, sir.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Bear
A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him. One summer he invited a lawyer from Czechoslovakia to visit him. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!" The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods. "Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato?Boiling Mad. Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?He desperately wanted a scoop. What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?Anything, just butter him up. What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?It's mashing! What do you call a baby potato?A small fry!
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hamster CareAfter buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species
on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other
thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of
vacuum cleaners." —Jeff Stilson
***
"My father says, 'Marry a girl who has the same belief as
the family.' I said, 'Dad, why would I marry a girl who
thinks I'm a schmuck?'" -Adam Sandler
***
"The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends.
If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've
got my life." --Jerry Seinfeld
+++++++++++++++++++
[collected, with family friendly edits, from Overheard in the
Office, Overheard on the Beach, and Overheard in New York.]
Marketing Guy: Why haven't you kept me up-to-date on this
account?
Ops Guy: I've cc'd you on every e-mail I sent to them!
Marketing Guy: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's
too much information in them. If you send me an important
e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
===
Blonde: Mmmm, it smells so good in here! Doesn't it smell
good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my
nose right now!
Friend: I know!
===
Sales Guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late....
Director of Marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?
Sales Guy: Nooooo....
Director of Marketing: Then you're dead to us. Get out.
===
Father: You see, girls, there is an election coming up, and
so far we have only had boring white men. This time we could
have a black man or a woman as our president!
Four-year-old Daughter: But Daddy, we're white!
Father: Yes, but we aren't boring.
===
Teen, trying on a jacket: How does this look on me, on a
scale of one to ten, with five being in the middle?
===
Woman: He's very successful. I'm sure he's a millionaire by
now, and he's only 26. He never even graduated from college.
Girl: I'm soooooo jealous. I wish I didn't have an education.
===
Dude: I'm sick of drama, and I'm sick of people coming down
and crashing at my beach house. It's so annoying when people
just use my stuff. Can I have some of your water?
+++++++++++++++++++
Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I
listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague.
We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.
One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking
sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally
been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make
them orange?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Start at the Very Beginning
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch,
the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So
perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I
created the heavens and the earth..."
+++++++++++++++++++
On the Windows CD
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. Too my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth: 4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C 204F6E65204F5320746F2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F 6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20616C6C20 616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64 207468656D 'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said. 'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says" 'One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them....
+++++++++++++++++++
Why do you want to join the Navy
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, Why do you want to join the Navy, son? My father said it'd be a good idea, sir. Oh? And what does your father do? He's in the Army, sir.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Bear
A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him. One summer he invited a lawyer from Czechoslovakia to visit him. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!" The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods. "Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato?Boiling Mad. Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?He desperately wanted a scoop. What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?Anything, just butter him up. What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?It's mashing! What do you call a baby potato?A small fry!
Friday, July 27, 2007
hUMOR For July 27th
Loan Arithmitic
Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?' 'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly. 'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?' 'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'
+++++++++++++++++++
Lacking Intelligence?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
+++++++++++++++++++
If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer- If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over! - To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! - If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
+++++++++++++++++++
A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill
is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."
"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says
the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football
stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So,
I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:
$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them paid."
+++++++++++++++++++
AntiquesA senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.After studying them, the appraiser said, "Mr Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news.""What's the good news?" the senior asked."The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso," replied the appraiser."Fantastic! What's the bad news?""Well sir, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter and Picasso was no good with violins."
+++++++++++++++++++
"In Spain this week, the annual Running of the Bulls was
held. This year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The
runners are doing fine, but the bulls can't stop laughing."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Paris Hilton has a new shirt. It has a picture of herself.
That's so if she gets lost, she will remember who she is."
-Jimmy Kimmel
***
"It's summer time! Time to pack up the family and head out
to the water park to catch E. coli." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here
are some of the submissions:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards. Pictures will be
taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards
in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales
at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It
should be used only for company business (Accounting manager,
Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can't let things that are
more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing
manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a
few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what
I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal
Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project
I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark
Greeting Cards.)
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?
A: A cocka-poodle-doo!
Q. Why can't you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a
Chinese restaurant?
A. Because of the Peking Duck.
+++++++++++++++++++
Flight Engineer in Panama
As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my air force flying career, my mother has been concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety. But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting.Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation.Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food.Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love.Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered trade, invented money.Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. - You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. - You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. - The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. - Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. - It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. - You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. - Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. - When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. - You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
+++++++++++++++++++
You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires - If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal - If you have more toys than your kids - If you need a checklist to turn on the TV - If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name - If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work - If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight - If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it - If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary - If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?' 'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly. 'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?' 'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'
+++++++++++++++++++
Lacking Intelligence?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
+++++++++++++++++++
If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer- If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over! - To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! - If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
+++++++++++++++++++
A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill
is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."
"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says
the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football
stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So,
I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:
$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them paid."
+++++++++++++++++++
AntiquesA senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.After studying them, the appraiser said, "Mr Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news.""What's the good news?" the senior asked."The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso," replied the appraiser."Fantastic! What's the bad news?""Well sir, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter and Picasso was no good with violins."
+++++++++++++++++++
"In Spain this week, the annual Running of the Bulls was
held. This year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The
runners are doing fine, but the bulls can't stop laughing."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Paris Hilton has a new shirt. It has a picture of herself.
That's so if she gets lost, she will remember who she is."
-Jimmy Kimmel
***
"It's summer time! Time to pack up the family and head out
to the water park to catch E. coli." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here
are some of the submissions:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards. Pictures will be
taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards
in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales
at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It
should be used only for company business (Accounting manager,
Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can't let things that are
more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing
manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a
few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what
I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal
Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project
I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark
Greeting Cards.)
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?
A: A cocka-poodle-doo!
Q. Why can't you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a
Chinese restaurant?
A. Because of the Peking Duck.
+++++++++++++++++++
Flight Engineer in Panama
As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my air force flying career, my mother has been concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety. But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting.Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation.Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food.Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love.Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered trade, invented money.Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. - You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. - You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. - The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. - Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. - It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. - You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. - Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. - When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. - You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
+++++++++++++++++++
You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires - If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal - If you have more toys than your kids - If you need a checklist to turn on the TV - If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name - If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work - If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight - If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it - If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary - If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
Thursday, July 26, 2007
hUMOR For July 26th
A doctor said to his patient: "You have a slight heart
condition, but I wouldn't worry about it."
"Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a
slight heart condition I wouldn't worry about it either."
+++++++++++++++++++
Who's going to stop me?
Six year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not suppose to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
+++++++++++++++++++
If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer
- If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over! - To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! - If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend". - Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. - To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel. - To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. - If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. - When you lose your car keys, click on "find". - We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately. - To feel like a new person, click on "refresh". - Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse. - To undo a mistake, click on "back". - If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
+++++++++++++++++++
Smoke Detector
The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
+++++++++++++++++++
Momma said ...
I was nearing the final stages of my college preparation to become an elementary school teacher. During my Junior Year we were required to visit several classrooms of varying grades to get a feel for what we were getting ourselves into. Males in elementary education are a rarity and I soon learned that the children thought it was really neat to see a male at school that was not the principal. I will never forget my first visit to a kindergarten class room. These little tots were dying to ask me questions and tell me things about themselves. One little boy raised his hand and I went over to him. He VERY seriously said, "My granddaddy is going to kill himself." Caught COMPLETELY off guard, I struggled for what to say to him. I finally managed, "I'm sure he's not gonna kill himself." He replied, "Oh yes he is...Momma said if he doesn't quit lifting things that are too heavy, he's gonna kill himself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Punkin Center
I called 411 last week so I could make a reservation at
Punkin Center Lodge in Punkin Center, Arizona. I told the
operator what I was looking for and asked for the number.
The operator replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but there is nothing
under 'Punkin Center.'"
I replied, "Yes, there is. I was up at the lake last week
and saw it."
He countered, "No, there isn't."
I caught on and asked, "How are you spelling 'Punkin'?"
He replied, "Just like the food you eat, P-U-M-P-K-I-N."
"Oh, no. Punkin. P-U-N-K-I-N," I said.
"Ooooooohhhh," he said. "I just thought you were some hick
who didn't know how to speak."
+++++++++++++++++++
"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for
money." - David Richerby
+++++++++++++++++++
Kosher ComputersWhat you can't get from a Kosher computer...
You can now purchase Kosher computers. They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low, even with the shipping from Israel.However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:1) The “Start” button has been replaced with the “Let's go - I'm not getting any younger!” button.2) You hear “Hava Nagila” during startup.3) The cursor moves from right to left.4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, “Is this the best you can do?”5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, “If your mother knew you did this, she would die.”6) It comes with a “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of all the “schmutz und drek.”7) When running “Scan Disk” it prompts you with a “You want I should fix this?” message.8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes “Schloffen.”9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).11) Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC now gets “Ferklempt.”12) The multimedia player has been renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!” corner.14) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud “Oy Gevalt!”15) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.16) When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, you are instructed to “Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.”17) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM!
+++++++++++++++++++
Painful Banana SplitPlacing your order at the Trailer Estates ice cream parlor…
A little old man shuffled slowly into the “Orange Dipper,” an ice cream parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”“No," he replied, “arthritis.”
+++++++++++++++++++
During a performance by the high school drama class at the local theatre, the stage floor was apparently cracked and formed a small hole.
Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until one student, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness, but a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't worry! It's just a stage you're going through!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Double Death
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?" "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
New Dad
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full. "Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed." The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"
condition, but I wouldn't worry about it."
"Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a
slight heart condition I wouldn't worry about it either."
+++++++++++++++++++
Who's going to stop me?
Six year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not suppose to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
+++++++++++++++++++
If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer
- If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over! - To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! - If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend". - Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. - To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel. - To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. - If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. - When you lose your car keys, click on "find". - We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately. - To feel like a new person, click on "refresh". - Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse. - To undo a mistake, click on "back". - If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
+++++++++++++++++++
Smoke Detector
The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
+++++++++++++++++++
Momma said ...
I was nearing the final stages of my college preparation to become an elementary school teacher. During my Junior Year we were required to visit several classrooms of varying grades to get a feel for what we were getting ourselves into. Males in elementary education are a rarity and I soon learned that the children thought it was really neat to see a male at school that was not the principal. I will never forget my first visit to a kindergarten class room. These little tots were dying to ask me questions and tell me things about themselves. One little boy raised his hand and I went over to him. He VERY seriously said, "My granddaddy is going to kill himself." Caught COMPLETELY off guard, I struggled for what to say to him. I finally managed, "I'm sure he's not gonna kill himself." He replied, "Oh yes he is...Momma said if he doesn't quit lifting things that are too heavy, he's gonna kill himself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Punkin Center
I called 411 last week so I could make a reservation at
Punkin Center Lodge in Punkin Center, Arizona. I told the
operator what I was looking for and asked for the number.
The operator replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but there is nothing
under 'Punkin Center.'"
I replied, "Yes, there is. I was up at the lake last week
and saw it."
He countered, "No, there isn't."
I caught on and asked, "How are you spelling 'Punkin'?"
He replied, "Just like the food you eat, P-U-M-P-K-I-N."
"Oh, no. Punkin. P-U-N-K-I-N," I said.
"Ooooooohhhh," he said. "I just thought you were some hick
who didn't know how to speak."
+++++++++++++++++++
"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for
money." - David Richerby
+++++++++++++++++++
Kosher ComputersWhat you can't get from a Kosher computer...
You can now purchase Kosher computers. They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low, even with the shipping from Israel.However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:1) The “Start” button has been replaced with the “Let's go - I'm not getting any younger!” button.2) You hear “Hava Nagila” during startup.3) The cursor moves from right to left.4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, “Is this the best you can do?”5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, “If your mother knew you did this, she would die.”6) It comes with a “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of all the “schmutz und drek.”7) When running “Scan Disk” it prompts you with a “You want I should fix this?” message.8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes “Schloffen.”9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).11) Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC now gets “Ferklempt.”12) The multimedia player has been renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!” corner.14) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud “Oy Gevalt!”15) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.16) When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, you are instructed to “Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.”17) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM!
+++++++++++++++++++
Painful Banana SplitPlacing your order at the Trailer Estates ice cream parlor…
A little old man shuffled slowly into the “Orange Dipper,” an ice cream parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”“No," he replied, “arthritis.”
+++++++++++++++++++
During a performance by the high school drama class at the local theatre, the stage floor was apparently cracked and formed a small hole.
Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until one student, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness, but a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't worry! It's just a stage you're going through!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Double Death
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?" "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
New Dad
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full. "Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed." The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
hUMOR For July 25th
"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't
tell them where they know the fish." Mark Twain
+++++++++++++++++++
On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Half this game is ninety percent mental."--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." --Dan Quayle,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"--Lee Iacocca,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."?? --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Feeling smarter yet?? Send it on to your brilliant friends.I just did!!
I THINK I MIGHT JUST BE SMART AFTER ALL!!
+++++++++++++++++++
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer!" the man began, "I don't have time for this right now!"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the bridegroom."
+++++++++++++++++++
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to
church.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful
attendance, the Pastor went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Pastor asked, "How come after
all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Pastor," he whispered.
"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I
got
to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must
have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him.
+++++++++++++++++++
Want me to paint for you?
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter."I'm here for the paint job," she said."Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
+++++++++++++++++++
Why are you yelling that?
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?""I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians). Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch. Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts). Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?A: 'E knocks. Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
+++++++++++++++++++
"Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said he had a gut
feeling there could be a new terror attack. Coincidentally,
Al Gore said he had a gut feeling that he needed more pie."
-Dave Letterman
***
"Sad news. Former first lady, Lady Bird Johnson, passed
away at age 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer, an
icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a
bird." -Conan O'Brien
***
"I guess everyone's going to the movies to stay cool,
because this new Harry Potter movie made $44 million in
one day. Harry Potter and the Order of Linguine and Clams,
I think." -Jimmy Kimmel
tell them where they know the fish." Mark Twain
+++++++++++++++++++
On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "Half this game is ninety percent mental."--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." --Dan Quayle,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"--Lee Iacocca,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."?? --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,? "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Feeling smarter yet?? Send it on to your brilliant friends.I just did!!
I THINK I MIGHT JUST BE SMART AFTER ALL!!
+++++++++++++++++++
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer!" the man began, "I don't have time for this right now!"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the bridegroom."
+++++++++++++++++++
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to
church.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful
attendance, the Pastor went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Pastor asked, "How come after
all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Pastor," he whispered.
"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I
got
to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must
have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him.
+++++++++++++++++++
Want me to paint for you?
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter."I'm here for the paint job," she said."Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
+++++++++++++++++++
Why are you yelling that?
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?""I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians). Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch. Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts). Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?A: 'E knocks. Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
+++++++++++++++++++
"Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said he had a gut
feeling there could be a new terror attack. Coincidentally,
Al Gore said he had a gut feeling that he needed more pie."
-Dave Letterman
***
"Sad news. Former first lady, Lady Bird Johnson, passed
away at age 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer, an
icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a
bird." -Conan O'Brien
***
"I guess everyone's going to the movies to stay cool,
because this new Harry Potter movie made $44 million in
one day. Harry Potter and the Order of Linguine and Clams,
I think." -Jimmy Kimmel
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
hUMOR For July 24th
Keep an Eye on Your Cousin
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
+++++++++++++++++++
Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if
they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a quarter.
+++++++++++++++++++
A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the
mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail,
rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
There were no injuries.
The stunt men then went to work where they got in a van that spun out of
control on an icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot
embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
+++++++++++++++++++
Want Ad: Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks
frog.
+++++++++++++++++++
Saying Grace
A family had invited some friends to dinner.
At the table, the father turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother told the girl.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did we invite all these people to dinner?"
+++++++++++++++++++
IndecipherableThis software engineer is on vacation in the western U.S. when he stops to use an ATM to get some cash. "I'm accustomed to being prompted for my language of choice, and this particular ATM had a nice list to choose from," says the engineer. "But after I selected 'English,' the next screen said: 'You have selected English for your language. Please press Enter to confirm your selection.' Gee, if I'd actually made a mistake and this was in a foreign language, how would I know what to do?"
+++++++++++++++++++
2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda*
7:00 pm Opening flag burning 7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. 7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry
9.00 pm Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm "Answering Machine Etiquette" - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand
11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn 11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean 12:15 am "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi 1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted to drive Hillary home
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men met recently and struck up a conversation. One was telling the other
about some problems he was having with one of his kids.
After a while the other guy said, "You think you have family problems? A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my
stepmother and my father became my stepson.
"Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter
of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because
he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which
made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son,
my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.
"I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my
son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather! And you think you
have family problems?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The obstetrician was used to seeing some unusual tattoos when he was working
in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her
abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," the doctor commented.
With a sad smile, she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."
+++++++++++++++++++
Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container.
+++++++++++++++++++
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in Ingonish, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties."We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife said one Mountie.""Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.The Mounties looked at each other.One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some reallygreat news. Which do you want to hear first?"Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first."The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size king crabs clinging to her."Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"The Mountie said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
+++++++++++++++++++
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold
country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he
had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement
that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he
said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural
antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he
said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
+++++++++++++++++++
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,
lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State
are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are
going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait until you see the idiots I
put there."
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
+++++++++++++++++++
Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if
they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a quarter.
+++++++++++++++++++
A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the
mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail,
rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
There were no injuries.
The stunt men then went to work where they got in a van that spun out of
control on an icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot
embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
+++++++++++++++++++
Want Ad: Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks
frog.
+++++++++++++++++++
Saying Grace
A family had invited some friends to dinner.
At the table, the father turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother told the girl.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did we invite all these people to dinner?"
+++++++++++++++++++
IndecipherableThis software engineer is on vacation in the western U.S. when he stops to use an ATM to get some cash. "I'm accustomed to being prompted for my language of choice, and this particular ATM had a nice list to choose from," says the engineer. "But after I selected 'English,' the next screen said: 'You have selected English for your language. Please press Enter to confirm your selection.' Gee, if I'd actually made a mistake and this was in a foreign language, how would I know what to do?"
+++++++++++++++++++
2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda*
7:00 pm Opening flag burning 7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. 7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry
9.00 pm Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm "Answering Machine Etiquette" - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand
11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn 11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean 12:15 am "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi 1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted to drive Hillary home
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men met recently and struck up a conversation. One was telling the other
about some problems he was having with one of his kids.
After a while the other guy said, "You think you have family problems? A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my
stepmother and my father became my stepson.
"Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter
of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because
he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which
made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son,
my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.
"I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my
son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather! And you think you
have family problems?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The obstetrician was used to seeing some unusual tattoos when he was working
in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her
abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," the doctor commented.
With a sad smile, she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."
+++++++++++++++++++
Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container.
+++++++++++++++++++
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in Ingonish, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties."We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife said one Mountie.""Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.The Mounties looked at each other.One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some reallygreat news. Which do you want to hear first?"Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first."The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size king crabs clinging to her."Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"The Mountie said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
+++++++++++++++++++
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold
country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he
had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement
that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he
said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural
antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he
said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
+++++++++++++++++++
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,
lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State
are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are
going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait until you see the idiots I
put there."
Monday, July 23, 2007
hUMOR For July 23rd
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.
"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Vet BillsWhile waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs."What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman."Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
+++++++++++++++++++
Boss
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The man asked about the next parrot on the perch. "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. "That one costs 2,000 dollars." "And what does that one do?" the man asked. The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Stricter with the screening process
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.” The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.” He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?” The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .” “Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”
+++++++++++++++++++
More Predicting the Future
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon,
+++++++++++++++++++
Ticket, Please!
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.
+++++++++++++++++++
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained.
Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject
at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."
+++++++++++++++++++
With her brown eyes and curly hair, our youngest daughter takes after my
husband. At three, she was a lively, mischievous girl, and people often
remarked on how cute she was. One day I was standing with her in the
supermarket when a woman commented on how cute she was.
My smile disappeared when she asked, "Is she really yours?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger
and bigger the closer they get. Then it hit me.
+++++++++++++++++++
While visiting my brother's home in Flori a few days ago, Vern shared with me a terrifying experience he endured as a young boy learning to use the toilet rather than his potty chair. To discover the source of his agony, please open the attachment. As former President Clinton said, "I feel hyou pain."
+++++++++++++++++++
Late for work
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance. During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Join the Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Just Ask Me
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mary Lou
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?" "I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!" "Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on." Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work. "What the heck was that for?" he demanded. "Your dog just called."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a
pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious
arguments.
The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend,
when he was horrified to see his friend go into a non kosher Chinese
restaurant. Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter
and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying
a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and
other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi
burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no
longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this
restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of
everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent
enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?"
The Rabbi nods yes.
"Did you see me order this meal?"
Again he nods yes.
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?"
Again he nods yes.
"And did you see me eat it?"
The Rabbi nods yes.
"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under
Rabbinical supervision."
"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Vet BillsWhile waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs."What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman."Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
+++++++++++++++++++
Boss
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The man asked about the next parrot on the perch. "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. "That one costs 2,000 dollars." "And what does that one do?" the man asked. The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Stricter with the screening process
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.” The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.” He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?” The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .” “Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”
+++++++++++++++++++
More Predicting the Future
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon,
+++++++++++++++++++
Ticket, Please!
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.
+++++++++++++++++++
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained.
Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject
at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."
+++++++++++++++++++
With her brown eyes and curly hair, our youngest daughter takes after my
husband. At three, she was a lively, mischievous girl, and people often
remarked on how cute she was. One day I was standing with her in the
supermarket when a woman commented on how cute she was.
My smile disappeared when she asked, "Is she really yours?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger
and bigger the closer they get. Then it hit me.
+++++++++++++++++++
While visiting my brother's home in Flori a few days ago, Vern shared with me a terrifying experience he endured as a young boy learning to use the toilet rather than his potty chair. To discover the source of his agony, please open the attachment. As former President Clinton said, "I feel hyou pain."
+++++++++++++++++++
Late for work
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance. During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Join the Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Just Ask Me
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mary Lou
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?" "I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!" "Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on." Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work. "What the heck was that for?" he demanded. "Your dog just called."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a
pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious
arguments.
The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend,
when he was horrified to see his friend go into a non kosher Chinese
restaurant. Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter
and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying
a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and
other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi
burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no
longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this
restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of
everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent
enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?"
The Rabbi nods yes.
"Did you see me order this meal?"
Again he nods yes.
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?"
Again he nods yes.
"And did you see me eat it?"
The Rabbi nods yes.
"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under
Rabbinical supervision."
Sunday, July 22, 2007
hUMOR For July 22nd
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said
to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've
been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist
second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since
February."
+++++++++++++++++++
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about.
We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
+++++++++++++++++++
DO YOU KNOW YOUR HYMNS? Dentist's Hymn............................... Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn..................... There Shall Be Showers of Blessings Contractor's Hymn........................ The Church is One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn......................... Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn...................There's a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn................. Standing on the Promises ! Optometrist's Hymn..................... Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn................ I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn..................... Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn............... Send The Light The Shopper's Hymn.................. Sweet Bye and Bye The Realtor's Hymn.................... I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop The Massage Therapists Hymn....... He Touched Me The Doctor's Hymn......................The Great Physician AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns: 45 mph....................................... God Will Take Care of You 65 mph...................................... Nearer My God To Thee 85 mph....................................... This World Is Not My Home 95 mph...................................... Lord, I'm Coming Home 100 mph...................................... Precious Memories Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Not For LunchMy husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.""Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards."We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Here's some good news: Subway crime is down. It's been
weeks since I've been ridiculed for the contents of my
briefcase by subway punks." -Dave Letterman
***
"Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who's marrying his long-
time girlfriend. What constitutes long time here? 'Well,
it's past six...'" -Craig Ferguson
***
"The new Harry Potter movie comes out this week. One reviewer
called it the dullest Harry Potter ever. He may be right
because the new movie is called 'Harry Potter and the Low-
Yield Municipal Bonds.'" -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They
called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argu-
ment.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for
their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy
them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so
one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other
end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You Live in a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's
combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe,
and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the
same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're
going anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor
is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct
one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents
read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher
got it right.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cats Playing Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
+++++++++++++++++++
Queen Size
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size". He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Who's the fastest witch?The ones that ride on a vroom stick! How do you know when you are in bed with a witch?She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas! What do witches ring for in a hotel?B-room service! Why do witches fly on broomsticks?Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've
been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist
second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since
February."
+++++++++++++++++++
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about.
We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
+++++++++++++++++++
DO YOU KNOW YOUR HYMNS? Dentist's Hymn............................... Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn..................... There Shall Be Showers of Blessings Contractor's Hymn........................ The Church is One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn......................... Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn...................There's a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn................. Standing on the Promises ! Optometrist's Hymn..................... Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn................ I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn..................... Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn............... Send The Light The Shopper's Hymn.................. Sweet Bye and Bye The Realtor's Hymn.................... I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop The Massage Therapists Hymn....... He Touched Me The Doctor's Hymn......................The Great Physician AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns: 45 mph....................................... God Will Take Care of You 65 mph...................................... Nearer My God To Thee 85 mph....................................... This World Is Not My Home 95 mph...................................... Lord, I'm Coming Home 100 mph...................................... Precious Memories Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Not For LunchMy husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.""Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards."We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Here's some good news: Subway crime is down. It's been
weeks since I've been ridiculed for the contents of my
briefcase by subway punks." -Dave Letterman
***
"Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who's marrying his long-
time girlfriend. What constitutes long time here? 'Well,
it's past six...'" -Craig Ferguson
***
"The new Harry Potter movie comes out this week. One reviewer
called it the dullest Harry Potter ever. He may be right
because the new movie is called 'Harry Potter and the Low-
Yield Municipal Bonds.'" -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They
called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argu-
ment.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for
their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy
them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so
one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other
end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You Live in a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's
combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe,
and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the
same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're
going anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor
is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct
one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents
read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher
got it right.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cats Playing Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
+++++++++++++++++++
Queen Size
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size". He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Who's the fastest witch?The ones that ride on a vroom stick! How do you know when you are in bed with a witch?She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas! What do witches ring for in a hotel?B-room service! Why do witches fly on broomsticks?Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
Saturday, July 21, 2007
hUMOR For July 21st
"Family Togetherness"
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? - An optimist."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Courtyard Murmuring"
On my recent trip to New York, I was walking near a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. So I looked in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said "N I L".
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to “The Great Nullity”, “The Blessed Emptiness”, and “The Big Zero in the Sky”.
I approached one of the white-robed cult members and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?”
- Stan Kegel
+++++++++++++++++++
A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom — you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Bat Solution”
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it
+++++++++++++++++++
A Home-Cooked Meal
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook
couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last
minute she whipped up great stacks of
peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about
time. At last -- a home-cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money for the Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? - An optimist."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Courtyard Murmuring"
On my recent trip to New York, I was walking near a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. So I looked in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said "N I L".
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to “The Great Nullity”, “The Blessed Emptiness”, and “The Big Zero in the Sky”.
I approached one of the white-robed cult members and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?”
- Stan Kegel
+++++++++++++++++++
A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom — you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Bat Solution”
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it
+++++++++++++++++++
A Home-Cooked Meal
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook
couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last
minute she whipped up great stacks of
peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about
time. At last -- a home-cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money for the Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
Friday, July 20, 2007
hUMOR For July 20th
"Family Togetherness"
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? - An optimist."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Courtyard Murmuring"
On my recent trip to New York, I was walking near a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. So I looked in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said "N I L".
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to “The Great Nullity”, “The Blessed Emptiness”, and “The Big Zero in the Sky”.
I approached one of the white-robed cult members and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?”
- Stan Kegel
+++++++++++++++++++
A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom — you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Bat Solution”
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it
+++++++++++++++++++
A Home-Cooked Meal
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook
couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last
minute she whipped up great stacks of
peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about
time. At last -- a home-cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money for the Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? - An optimist."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Courtyard Murmuring"
On my recent trip to New York, I was walking near a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. So I looked in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said "N I L".
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to “The Great Nullity”, “The Blessed Emptiness”, and “The Big Zero in the Sky”.
I approached one of the white-robed cult members and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?”
- Stan Kegel
+++++++++++++++++++
A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom — you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Bat Solution”
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it
+++++++++++++++++++
A Home-Cooked Meal
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook
couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last
minute she whipped up great stacks of
peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about
time. At last -- a home-cooked meal!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money for the Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
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