Letter From Mom
When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
+++++++++++++++++++
Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn't sink?Cork! How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?Because it's round! How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?I forgot to wet the soap!
+++++++++++++++++++
Injured Employee
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears
bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I
accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?"
"They called back!"
+++++++++++++++++++
What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? An optimist.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Dog Minded”
A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.
"It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."
"Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."
The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."
+++++++++++++++++++
Hang on to any of the new 2006 West Virginia Quarters.
If you have them they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the West Virginia Quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or any other coin operated device. The problem lies in the unique design of the quarter, which was designed by a team of genuine Hillbillies. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the machines.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fixed Sign"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a goober, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lumber Need"
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
+++++++++++++++++++
Police RecruitA police recruit was asked during an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"He said, "Call for backup."
+++++++++++++++++++
I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening I worked
particularly hard on a new recipe, and once again it didn't turn out as
well as I'd hoped.
My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words carefully
after the meal. "Mom," he said, "that dinner was so good I thought someone
else made it."
+++++++++++++++++++
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The
Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed
boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the
captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach
him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't
swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"A new study found that sleep is essential to creativity. I'd just like to
say that we have the most creative audience in all of television!" - Craig
Kilborn
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
hUMOR For May 30th
Rools four RightersIf yore a groan reader, this is 4U & Jethro...
1.. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2.. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3.. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4.. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5.. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.) 6.. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7.. Be more or less specific. 8.. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9.. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10.. No sentence fragments. 11.. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12.. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13.. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14.. One should NEVER generalize. 15.. Comparisons are as bad as clichés. 16.. Don't use no double negatives. 17.. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20.. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21.. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22.. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23.. Kill all exclamation points!!! 24.. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25.. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas. 26.. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” 28.. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29.. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32.. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally... 34.. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
+++++++++++++++++++
Church SquirrelsHow to deal with pesky squirrels...
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
+++++++++++++++++++
Robbie's MoveUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move."It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Gas Men
Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter. Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man. They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong. As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
+++++++++++++++++++
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
1.. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2.. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3.. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4.. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5.. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.) 6.. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7.. Be more or less specific. 8.. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9.. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10.. No sentence fragments. 11.. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12.. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13.. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14.. One should NEVER generalize. 15.. Comparisons are as bad as clichés. 16.. Don't use no double negatives. 17.. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20.. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21.. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22.. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23.. Kill all exclamation points!!! 24.. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25.. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas. 26.. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” 28.. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29.. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32.. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally... 34.. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
+++++++++++++++++++
Church SquirrelsHow to deal with pesky squirrels...
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
+++++++++++++++++++
Robbie's MoveUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move."It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Gas Men
Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter. Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man. They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong. As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
+++++++++++++++++++
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
hUMOR For May 28th
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing.I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that! Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?Absolutely nothing! Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it?Hire yourself out for Halloween parties! Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself goldDon't worry it's just a gilt complex!
+++++++++++++++++++
The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as
well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A
store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds.
After explaining this policy to the grouchy dowager, the woman blew up at
the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The
clerk replied George Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.
The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her
purse. "He will hear from me!" she announced as she stormed out of the
store.
+++++++++++++++++++
My daughter was coming home from work last one night, when she came across a
huge building fire. As she was stuck in traffic, she thought to herself, "I
must be a half a mile away from the fire, and I can feel the heat from
here!"
Then she realized, she had the heater on full blast.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose
weight is take a bath." - Richard Zera.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ski Trip
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross." Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Silent Wife
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender. "Yeah, except today is the last night."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pet Shop Monkeys
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog!Sit! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.I see your point! Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?Well, I wouldn't start watching any new soap operas! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring!
+++++++++++++++++++
Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about
bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising
people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees
you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.
My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas
station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a
bear, don't come in here!"
+++++++++++++++++++
At the hospital where I work, the quality of meals offered in the employees'
cafeteria is a true source of aggravation. Once I watched two young
surgeons approach the serving line. After reading the posted menu and
looking over the dishes displayed, one doctor turned to the other and
remarked, "Well, no doubt about it, this calls for a culinary bypass."
Then they left to hurry five blocks to Katz' Deli.
+++++++++++++++++++
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing.I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that! Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?Absolutely nothing! Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it?Hire yourself out for Halloween parties! Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself goldDon't worry it's just a gilt complex!
+++++++++++++++++++
The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as
well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A
store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds.
After explaining this policy to the grouchy dowager, the woman blew up at
the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The
clerk replied George Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.
The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her
purse. "He will hear from me!" she announced as she stormed out of the
store.
+++++++++++++++++++
My daughter was coming home from work last one night, when she came across a
huge building fire. As she was stuck in traffic, she thought to herself, "I
must be a half a mile away from the fire, and I can feel the heat from
here!"
Then she realized, she had the heater on full blast.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose
weight is take a bath." - Richard Zera.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ski Trip
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross." Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Silent Wife
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender. "Yeah, except today is the last night."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pet Shop Monkeys
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog!Sit! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.I see your point! Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?Well, I wouldn't start watching any new soap operas! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring!
+++++++++++++++++++
Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about
bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising
people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees
you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.
My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas
station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a
bear, don't come in here!"
+++++++++++++++++++
At the hospital where I work, the quality of meals offered in the employees'
cafeteria is a true source of aggravation. Once I watched two young
surgeons approach the serving line. After reading the posted menu and
looking over the dishes displayed, one doctor turned to the other and
remarked, "Well, no doubt about it, this calls for a culinary bypass."
Then they left to hurry five blocks to Katz' Deli.
+++++++++++++++++++
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
Monday, May 28, 2007
hUMOR For May 28th
Rools four RightersIf yore a groan reader, this is 4U & Jethro...
1.. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2.. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3.. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4.. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5.. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.) 6.. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7.. Be more or less specific. 8.. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9.. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10.. No sentence fragments. 11.. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12.. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13.. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14.. One should NEVER generalize. 15.. Comparisons are as bad as clichés. 16.. Don't use no double negatives. 17.. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20.. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21.. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22.. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23.. Kill all exclamation points!!! 24.. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25.. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas. 26.. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” 28.. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29.. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32.. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally... 34.. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
+++++++++++++++++++
Church SquirrelsHow to deal with pesky squirrels...
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
+++++++++++++++++++
Robbie's MoveUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move."It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Gas Men
Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter. Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man. They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong. As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
+++++++++++++++++++
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
1.. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2.. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3.. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4.. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5.. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.) 6.. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7.. Be more or less specific. 8.. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9.. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10.. No sentence fragments. 11.. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12.. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13.. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14.. One should NEVER generalize. 15.. Comparisons are as bad as clichés. 16.. Don't use no double negatives. 17.. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20.. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21.. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22.. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23.. Kill all exclamation points!!! 24.. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25.. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas. 26.. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” 28.. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29.. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32.. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally... 34.. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
+++++++++++++++++++
Church SquirrelsHow to deal with pesky squirrels...
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
+++++++++++++++++++
Robbie's MoveUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move."It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Gas Men
Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter. Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man. They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong. As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
+++++++++++++++++++
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
Sunday, May 27, 2007
hUMOR For May 27th
"Measuring Hunger"
The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.
A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.
"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." - Irwin Corey
+++++++++++++++++++
"Gas Prices" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Do you think a gallon of gas is expensive?
Just put things a bit in perspective.
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .........$9. 52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ....... $10.32 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .......$84.48 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49....... ...$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (Did I mention that Evian spelled backwards is Naive?)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or heaven forbid Pepto Bismal orNyquil!
+++++++++++++++++++
Defensive Driving Course
One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a poice officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?" The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in.
+++++++++++++++++++
Collected Comments of College Students
- He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high. - Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up! - His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame. - Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it. - This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith. - The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him. - Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material. - Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever. - Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it. - I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin that I used while doing the problem sets.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Elderly People
This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why do vampires like school dinners?Because they know they won't get stake! Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?He was a numbskull! I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nooooooooooooowwwww!
+++++++++++++++++++
A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and
you're dead. I'm looking for money."
The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But
the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the
shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes,
holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped
the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed
them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a
mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the
trash as well.
A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man
produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of
course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.
The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust
treatment.
"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied, "Anyone
claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes
has probably lost his buttons."
+++++++++++++++++++
"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN
PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small
children." - Jonathan Katz
The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.
A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.
"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." - Irwin Corey
+++++++++++++++++++
"Gas Prices" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Do you think a gallon of gas is expensive?
Just put things a bit in perspective.
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .........$9. 52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ....... $10.32 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .......$84.48 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49....... ...$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (Did I mention that Evian spelled backwards is Naive?)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or heaven forbid Pepto Bismal orNyquil!
+++++++++++++++++++
Defensive Driving Course
One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a poice officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?" The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in.
+++++++++++++++++++
Collected Comments of College Students
- He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high. - Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up! - His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame. - Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it. - This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith. - The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him. - Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material. - Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever. - Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it. - I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin that I used while doing the problem sets.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Elderly People
This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why do vampires like school dinners?Because they know they won't get stake! Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?He was a numbskull! I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nooooooooooooowwwww!
+++++++++++++++++++
A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and
you're dead. I'm looking for money."
The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But
the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the
shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes,
holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped
the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed
them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a
mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the
trash as well.
A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man
produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of
course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.
The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust
treatment.
"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied, "Anyone
claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes
has probably lost his buttons."
+++++++++++++++++++
"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN
PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small
children." - Jonathan Katz
Saturday, May 26, 2007
hUMOR For May 26th
MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS1 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.2 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.3 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.4 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.5 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.6 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.7 If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.8 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.9 The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.10 The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.11 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.12 When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
+++++++++++++++++++
How Old?A grandfather asks his grandson: "How old are you?"The grandson replies: "Five".Grandfather says: "When I was your age I was six!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Blind Man
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Dying Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Blonde
A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "Pullover!". The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "No, it's a scarf!".
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight? When they had lots of sleepless knights! How do bees get to school?By school buzz! How did you do in your tests?I did what George Washington did!
+++++++++++++++++++
PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I
don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work
in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours,
which will include evenings and weekends and frequent
24-hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in faraway cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until
someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in
case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets,
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an
embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half
million cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality
of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
If you are lucky, you may be promoted to the position of
Grandparent. Of course, you must still retain and fulfill
all the responsibilities of Parent while assuming the new
title and job responsibilities of Grandparent.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on
a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially
independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are
offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for
personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you
play your cards right.
+++++++++++++++++++
How Old?A grandfather asks his grandson: "How old are you?"The grandson replies: "Five".Grandfather says: "When I was your age I was six!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Blind Man
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Dying Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Blonde
A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "Pullover!". The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "No, it's a scarf!".
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight? When they had lots of sleepless knights! How do bees get to school?By school buzz! How did you do in your tests?I did what George Washington did!
+++++++++++++++++++
PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I
don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work
in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours,
which will include evenings and weekends and frequent
24-hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in faraway cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until
someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in
case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets,
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an
embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half
million cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality
of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
If you are lucky, you may be promoted to the position of
Grandparent. Of course, you must still retain and fulfill
all the responsibilities of Parent while assuming the new
title and job responsibilities of Grandparent.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on
a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially
independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are
offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for
personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you
play your cards right.
Friday, May 25, 2007
hUMOR For May 25th
Hillary's BabyRunning for President on a pregnant platform...
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious - here she is in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming. "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.She screams again, “Did you hear me?”Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”
+++++++++++++++++++
We Must Stop This Immediately!Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection ... Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer. Probably CIA ...!!!) Pretty scary stuff, huh!?!?!
+++++++++++++++++++
Aches and Pains
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Tim's Goldfish
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cat Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?Kermit the Fog! What is a chameleon's motto?A change is as good as a rest! What happens if you eat a hot frog?You'll croak in no time! What do you say if you meet a toad?Wart's new! What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Hoppalong Cassidy!
+++++++++++++++++++
Star of the Euphrates
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after
years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession
was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in
the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the
pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the king protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no
difference who you are."
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious - here she is in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming. "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.She screams again, “Did you hear me?”Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”
+++++++++++++++++++
We Must Stop This Immediately!Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection ... Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer. Probably CIA ...!!!) Pretty scary stuff, huh!?!?!
+++++++++++++++++++
Aches and Pains
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Tim's Goldfish
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cat Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?Kermit the Fog! What is a chameleon's motto?A change is as good as a rest! What happens if you eat a hot frog?You'll croak in no time! What do you say if you meet a toad?Wart's new! What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Hoppalong Cassidy!
+++++++++++++++++++
Star of the Euphrates
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after
years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession
was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in
the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the
pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the king protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no
difference who you are."
Thursday, May 24, 2007
hUMOR For May 24th
The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. WIFE VS. HUSBANDA couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked."No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS" God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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Toasters by Other Manufacturers
If Microsoft made toastersEvery time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster Vista would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances. If they couldn't prove that they were purchased legitimately then they would no longer work. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toastersIt would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Plane
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?" George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
+++++++++++++++++++
Counterfeiter
A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store. He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?" The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?Just one if it's long enough! What cheese is made backwards?Edam? This match won't light!That's funny, it did this morning! What do elves do after school?Gnomework!
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Toasters by Other Manufacturers
If Microsoft made toastersEvery time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster Vista would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances. If they couldn't prove that they were purchased legitimately then they would no longer work. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toastersIt would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Plane
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?" George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
+++++++++++++++++++
Counterfeiter
A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store. He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?" The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?Just one if it's long enough! What cheese is made backwards?Edam? This match won't light!That's funny, it did this morning! What do elves do after school?Gnomework!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
hUMOR For May 23rd
Stranded on a Desert Island
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small
desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean noticed a
bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with
shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have
found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
+++++++++++++++++++
Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the
doorman without tipping him.
Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and
said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the
way home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't
take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital
for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had
managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the
skimpy gown, the food and especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma
spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's
that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the
interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern
replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around
here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and
switch it on herself."
+++++++++++++++++++
"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's
great invention had been directed at printing only comic books." - Robert M.
Hutchins
+++++++++++++++++++
"Employment History"
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.
After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
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"Hospital Waiting" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is here," she said to the old man.
She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened. Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement. The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night, the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength.
Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients. Now and then, she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited. Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.
"Who was that man?" he asked.
The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.
"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
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Logic, Math & Reasoning Quotes
A formal manipulator in mathematics often experiences the discomforting feeling that his pencil surpasses him in intelligence. – Howard EvesA man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars. That’s subtraction. – Mae WestA mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. – Paul ErdosA mind all logic is like a knife all blade. – Rabindranath TagoreA witty statesman said you might prove anything by figures. – Thomas CarlyleAs far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. – Albert EinsteinA statistician can have his head in the oven and his feet in ice, and on average he feels fine. – AnonymousAfter every storm the sun will smile; for every problem there is a solution, and the soul’s indefeasible duty is to be of good cheer. – William R. AlgerAll exact science is dominated by the idea of approximation. – Bertrand RussellAll great theorems were discovered after midnight. – Adrian MathesisAll human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion and desire. – AristotleAlthough I am not stupid, the mathematical side of my brain is like dumb notes upon a damaged piano. – Margot AsquithAn expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. – Howard EvesAnger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one. – Benjamin FranklinAs for everything else, so for a mathematical theory: beauty can be perceived but not explained. – Arthur CayleyDefendit numerus: There is safety in numbers. - AnonymousDescartes commanded the future from his study more than Napoleon from the throne. – Oliver HolmesErrors using inadequate data are much less than those using no data at all. – Charles BabbageEverything that is beautiful and noble is the product of reason and calculation. – Charles BaudelaireExpert: a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very narrow field. – Niels BohrFamiliar things happen, and mankind does not bother about them. It requires a very unusual mind to undertake the analysis of the obvious. – Alfred WhiteheadFaith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe. – AnonymousFor every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. – Henry MenckenFor the things of this world cannot be made known without a knowledge of mathematics. – Roger BaconFrom a drop of water a logician could infer the possibility of an Atlantic or a Niagara without having seen or heard of one or the other. – Sir Arthur Conan DoyleGod does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically. – Albert EinsteinGod is like a skilful Geometrician. – Sir Thomas BrowneHe who cannot describe the problem will never find the solution to that problem. - ConfuciusHow quick come the reasons for approving what we like. – Jane AustenI admit that mathematical science is a good thing. But excessive devotion to it is a bad thing. – Aldous HuxleyI advise my students to listen carefully the moment they decide to take no more mathematics courses. They might be able to hear the sound of closing doors. – James CaballeroI am ill at these numbers. – William ShakespeareI am quite sure now that often in matters concerning religion and politics, a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkeys. – Mark Twain‘I can’t’ isn’t a reason to give up, it’s a reason to try hard. – AnonymousI had a feeling once about mathematics – that I saw it all… but it was after dinner and I let it go. – Winston ChurchillI have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. - PlatoI have the proof, but there isn’t room to write it in the margin. – AnonymousI know that two and two make four – and should be glad to prove it too if I could – though I must say if by any sort of process I could convert two and two into five it would give me greater pleasure. – Lord ByronI know what you’re thinking about, but it isn’t so, no how. Contrarywise, if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be. But as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic. – Lewis CarrollI must study politics and war that my sons may have the liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. – John AdamsI never thought that others would take my theories so much more seriously than I did. – Albert EinsteinI prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly. – Michel de MontaigneI tell them that if they will occupy themselves with the study of mathematics they will find it the best remedy against the lusts of the flesh. – Thomas MannI think I think, therefore I think I am. – Ambrose BierceI think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged. – Roger JonesIf a man’s wit be wandering, let him study the mathematics. – Francis BaconIf I feel unhappy, I do mathematics to become happy. If I am happy, I do mathematics to keep happy. – Alfred RenyiIf it’s green, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it has numbers, it’s math. If it doesn’t work, it’s technology. – AnonymousIf you ask mathematicians what they do, you always get the same answer. They think. – M. EgrafovImpossible only means that you haven’t found the solution yet. – (www.Possibells.com - where 'All Things Are Possibell')In my experience most mathematicians are intellectually lazy. – Francis CrickIf the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. – Rita Mae BrownIn mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them. – René DescartesInsanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed. – Oliver W. HolmesIt has been said that figures rule the world. Maybe. But I am sure that figures tell us whether it is being ruled well or badly. – Johann Wolfgang von GoetheIt is a capital mistake to theorise before one has data. – Sir Arthur Conan DoyleIt is mathematical fact that the casting of this pebble from my hand alters the center of gravity of the universe. – Thomas CarlyleIt is not certain that everything is uncertain. – Blaise PascalIt is not good enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. – René DescartesIt is with books as with men: a very small number play a great part, the rest are lost in the multitude. – VoltaireIt would be better for the true physics if there were no mathematicians on earth. – Daniel BernoulliLet us grant that the pursuit of mathematics is a divine madness of the human spirit. – Alfred WhiteheadLike dreams, statistics are a form of wish fulfillment. – Jean Baudrillard Like the crest of a peacock, so is mathematics at the head of all knowledge. – Indian ProverbLogic is a poor guide compared with custom. – Winston ChurchillLogic is a large drawer, containing some useful instruments, and many more that are superfluous. A wise man will look into it for two purposes: to avail himself of those instruments that are really useful; and to admire the ingenuity with which those that are not so are assorted and arranged. – Charles ColtonLogic is like the sword – those who appeal to it shall perish by it. – Edward GibbonLogic is neither science nor an art, but a dodge. – Benjamin JowettLogic is one thing and common sense another. – Elbert HubbardLogic is the anatomy of thought. – Albert EinsteinLogic is the art of going wrong with confidence. – Joseph KrutchLogic is the hygiene the mathematician practices to keep his ideas healthy and strong. – Hermann WeylLogic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. – Lord DunsanyLogic takes care of itself; all we have to do is to look and see how it does it. – Ludwig WittgensteinLogic is the technique by which we add conviction to truth. – Jean de la BruyereLogic: the art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. – Ambrose BierceLogic works, metaphysics contemplates. – Joseph JoubertMan discovers truth by reason only, not by faith. – TolstoyMany are destined to reason wrongly; others, not to reason at all, and others to persecute those who reason. - VoltaireMath is like love – a simple idea but it can get complicated. – R. DrabekMathematical genius and artistic genius touch one another. – Gosta Mittag-LefflerMathematical rigor is like clothing: in its style it ought to suit the occasion, and it diminishes comfort and restrains freedom of movement if it is neither too loose or too tight. – G.F. SimmonsMathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different. – Johann Wolfgang von GoetheMathematics consists of proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way. – George PolyaMathematics has beauties of its own. – J.W.A. YoungMathematics knows no races or geographic boundaries. – David HilbertMathematics is a game played according to certain simple rules with meaningless marks on paper. – David HilbertMathematics if like checkers in being suitable for the young, not too difficult, amusing, and without peril to the state. – PlatoMathematics is distinguished from all other sciences except only ethics, in standing in no need of ethics. – Charles PeirceMathematics is indeed dangerous in that it absorbs students to such a degree that it dulls their senses to everything else. – Prinz zu Hohlenlohe-Ingelfingen KraftMathematics is not a careful march down a well-cleared highway, but a journey into a strange wilderness where the explorers often get lost. – W.S. AnglinMathematics is the cheapest science. All one needs for mathematics is a pencil and a paper. – George PolyaMathematics is the science which uses easy words for hard ideas. – James Roy NewmanMathematics may be compared to a mill of exquisite workmanship, which grinds your stuff to any degree of fineness. – Thomas HuxleyMathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. – René DescartesMathematics would certainly have not come into existence if one had known from the beginning that there was in nature no exactly straight line, no actual circle, no absolute magnitude. – Friedrich NietzscheMeasure what is measurable, and make measurable what is not so. - Galileo GalileiMen are apt to mistake the strength of their feeling for the strength of their argument. The heated mind resents the chill touch and relentless scrutiny of logic. – William GladstoneMost of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do. – James Harvey RobinsonNo, no, you’re not thinking; you’re just being logical. – Niels BohrNothing has afforded me so convincing a proof of the unity of the Deity as these purely mental conceptions of numerical and mathematical science. – Mary SomervilleNumbers have neither substance, nor meaning, nor qualities. They are nothing but marks. – Hermann WeylNot everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. – Albert EinsteinNumber theorists are like lotus-eaters – having once tasted of this food they can never give it up. – Leopold Kronecker‘Obvious’ is the most dangerous word in mathematics. – Eric T. BellOften statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts… for support rather than illumination. – Andrew LangOld mathematicians never die, they just lose their functions. – AnonymousOld statisticians never die, they are just broken down by age and sex. – AnonymousOn earth there is nothing great but man; in man there is nothing great but mind. – Sir William HamiltonOnce people begin to reason, all is lost. – VoltaireOne of the big misapprehensions about mathematics that we perpetrate in our classrooms is that the teacher always seem to know the answer to any problem that is discussed. – Leon HenkinOne of the endearing things about mathematicians is the extent to which they will go to avoid doing any real work. – Matthew PordageOrder is Heaven’s first law. – Alexander PopePerhaps the most surprising thing about mathematics is that it is so surprising. – E.C. TitchmarshPerfect numbers, like perfect men, are very rare. – René DescartesPhysicists know what’s important but they don’t know what is true. Mathematicians know what’s true but they don’t know what is important. – AnonymousProof if the idol before whom the pure mathematician tortures himself. – Sir Arthur EddingtonPure logic is the ruin of the spirit. – Antoine de Saint-ExupéryPure mathematics, may it never be of any use to anyone. – Henry SmithReason can wrestle and overthrow terror. – EuripidesScience is built up with facts, as a house is with stones. But a collection of facts is not more a science than a heap of stones is a house. – Jules PoincaréSeek simplicity and distrust it. – Alfred WhiteheadSince the mathematicians have invaded the theory of relativity, I do not understand it myself any more. – Albert EinsteinSix is a number perfect in itself, and not because God created the world in six days; rather the contrary is true. God created the world in six days because this number is perfect, and it would remain perfect, even if the work of the six days did not exist. – St. AugustineSmall minds are concerned with the extraordinary, great minds with the ordinary. – Blaise PascalStand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life there is no such thing as algebra. – Fran LebowitzStatistician: A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either. – Evan EsarStatistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. – Aaron LevensteinStatistics are no substitute for judgement. – Henry ClayStatistics have shown that mortality increases perceptibly in the military during wartime. – Alphonse AllaisStatistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. – Morris KlineStatistics: the only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. – Evan EsarThat logic has advanced in this sure course, even from the earliest times, is apparent from the fact that, since Aristotle, it has been unable to advance a step, and thus to all appearance has reached its completion. – Immanuel KantThe advantage is that mathematics is a field in which one’s blunders tend to show very clearly and can be corrected or erased with a stroke of the pencil. – Norbert WienerThe age of chivalry is gone. That of sophisters, economists and calculators has succeeded. – Edmund BurkeThe best defense against logic is ignorance. – Blaise PascalThe circumstances of human society are too complicated to be submitted to the rigor of mathematical calculation. – Marquis de CustineThe concept of number is the obvious distinction between the beast and man. – Joseph de MaistreThe control of large numbers is possible, and like unto that of small numbers, if we subdivide them. – Sun TzeThe fact is there are few more popular subjects than mathematics. Most people have some appreciation of mathematics, just as most people can enjoy a pleasant tune. – Godfrey HardyThe fact that logic cannot satisfy us awakens an almost insatiable hunger for the irrational. – A.N. WilsonThe formulation of a problem is often more essential than its solution, which may be merely a matter of mathematical or experimental skill. – Albert EinsteinThe laws of probability – so true in general, so fallacious in particular. – Edward GibbonThe mathematical sciences particularly exhibit order, symmetry, and limitation; and these are the greatest forms of the beautiful. – AristotleThe mathematician is entirely free, within the limits of the imagination, to construct what worlds he pleases. – J.W.N. SullivanThe mathematician may be compared to a designer of garments, who is utterly oblivious of all the creatures who his garments may fit. - DantzigThe mathematician’s patterns, like the painter’s or the poet’s, must be beautiful – there is no permanent place in this world for ugly mathematics. – Godfrey HardyThe mind has its own logic but does not often let others in on it. – Bernard DevotoThe more one analyzes people, the more all reasons for analysis disappear. Sooner or later one comes to that dreadful universal thing called human nature. – Oscar WildeThe most painful thing about mathematics is how far away you are from being able to use it after you have learned it. – James NewmanThe real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers. – Sydney HarrisThe solution of every problem is another problem. – Johann Wolfgang von GoetheThe supreme function of reason is to show man that some things are beyond reason. – Blaise PascalThe trouble with facts is that there are so many of them. – Samuel CrothersThe true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it. - VoltaireThe whole is more than the sum of its parts. – AristotleThe will of man is by his reason swayed. – Izaak WaltonThe words ‘figure’ and ‘fictitious’ both derive from the same Latin root, ‘fingere.’ Beware! – M.J. MoroneyThere are no deep theorems – only theorems that we have not understood very well. – Nicholas GoodmanThere are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. – Benjamin DisraeliThere are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who can’t. – AnonymousThere’s no problem so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from. - AnonymousThough this be madness, yet there is method in’t. – William ShakespeareTime heals what reason cannot. - SenecaTo the wise, life is a problem; to the fool, a solution. – Marcus AureliusToday, it is not only that our kings do not know mathematics, but our philosophers do not know mathematics and – to go further – our mathematicians do not know mathematics. – J. Robert OppenheimerViewed from the summit of reason, all life looks like a malignant disease and the world like a madhouse. – Johann Wolfgang von GoetheWe all have enough strength to follow our reason. – François de la RochefoucauldWe arrive at the truth, not by reason only, but also by the heart. – Blaise PascalWe used to think that if we knew one, we knew two, because one and one are two. We are finding that we must learn a great deal more about ‘and.’ – Sir Arthur EddingtonWhatever you can, count. – Sir Francis BaconWhen angry, count four; when very angry, swear. – Mark TwainWhen I am violently beset with temptations, or cannot rid myself of evil thoughts, I resolve to do some arithmetic, or geometry… which necessarily engages all my thoughts, and unavoidably keeps them from wandering. – Jonathon EdwardsWhen intuition and logic agree, you are always right. – Blaise PascalWhere so many hours have been spent in convincing myself that I am right, is there not some reason to fear that I may be wrong? – Jules Henri PoincaréYou always admire what you really do not understand. – Blaise PascalYou can only find truth with logic if you have found truth without it. – G.K. ChestertonYou cannot reason with a hungry belly; it has no ears. – Greek Proverb
ib
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small
desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean noticed a
bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with
shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have
found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
+++++++++++++++++++
Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the
doorman without tipping him.
Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and
said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the
way home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't
take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital
for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had
managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the
skimpy gown, the food and especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma
spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's
that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the
interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern
replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around
here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and
switch it on herself."
+++++++++++++++++++
"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's
great invention had been directed at printing only comic books." - Robert M.
Hutchins
+++++++++++++++++++
"Employment History"
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.
After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hospital Waiting" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is here," she said to the old man.
She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened. Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement. The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night, the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength.
Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients. Now and then, she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited. Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.
"Who was that man?" he asked.
The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.
"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Logic, Math & Reasoning Quotes
A formal manipulator in mathematics often experiences the discomforting feeling that his pencil surpasses him in intelligence. – Howard EvesA man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars. That’s subtraction. – Mae WestA mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. – Paul ErdosA mind all logic is like a knife all blade. – Rabindranath TagoreA witty statesman said you might prove anything by figures. – Thomas CarlyleAs far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. – Albert EinsteinA statistician can have his head in the oven and his feet in ice, and on average he feels fine. – AnonymousAfter every storm the sun will smile; for every problem there is a solution, and the soul’s indefeasible duty is to be of good cheer. – William R. AlgerAll exact science is dominated by the idea of approximation. – Bertrand RussellAll great theorems were discovered after midnight. – Adrian MathesisAll human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion and desire. – AristotleAlthough I am not stupid, the mathematical side of my brain is like dumb notes upon a damaged piano. – Margot AsquithAn expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. – Howard EvesAnger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one. – Benjamin FranklinAs for everything else, so for a mathematical theory: beauty can be perceived but not explained. – Arthur CayleyDefendit numerus: There is safety in numbers. - AnonymousDescartes commanded the future from his study more than Napoleon from the throne. – Oliver HolmesErrors using inadequate data are much less than those using no data at all. – Charles BabbageEverything that is beautiful and noble is the product of reason and calculation. – Charles BaudelaireExpert: a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very narrow field. – Niels BohrFamiliar things happen, and mankind does not bother about them. It requires a very unusual mind to undertake the analysis of the obvious. – Alfred WhiteheadFaith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe. – AnonymousFor every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. – Henry MenckenFor the things of this world cannot be made known without a knowledge of mathematics. – Roger BaconFrom a drop of water a logician could infer the possibility of an Atlantic or a Niagara without having seen or heard of one or the other. – Sir Arthur Conan DoyleGod does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically. – Albert EinsteinGod is like a skilful Geometrician. – Sir Thomas BrowneHe who cannot describe the problem will never find the solution to that problem. - ConfuciusHow quick come the reasons for approving what we like. – Jane AustenI admit that mathematical science is a good thing. But excessive devotion to it is a bad thing. – Aldous HuxleyI advise my students to listen carefully the moment they decide to take no more mathematics courses. They might be able to hear the sound of closing doors. – James CaballeroI am ill at these numbers. – William ShakespeareI am quite sure now that often in matters concerning religion and politics, a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkeys. – Mark Twain‘I can’t’ isn’t a reason to give up, it’s a reason to try hard. – AnonymousI had a feeling once about mathematics – that I saw it all… but it was after dinner and I let it go. – Winston ChurchillI have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. - PlatoI have the proof, but there isn’t room to write it in the margin. – AnonymousI know that two and two make four – and should be glad to prove it too if I could – though I must say if by any sort of process I could convert two and two into five it would give me greater pleasure. – Lord ByronI know what you’re thinking about, but it isn’t so, no how. Contrarywise, if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be. But as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic. – Lewis CarrollI must study politics and war that my sons may have the liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. – John AdamsI never thought that others would take my theories so much more seriously than I did. – Albert EinsteinI prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly. – Michel de MontaigneI tell them that if they will occupy themselves with the study of mathematics they will find it the best remedy against the lusts of the flesh. – Thomas MannI think I think, therefore I think I am. – Ambrose BierceI think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged. – Roger JonesIf a man’s wit be wandering, let him study the mathematics. – Francis BaconIf I feel unhappy, I do mathematics to become happy. If I am happy, I do mathematics to keep happy. – Alfred RenyiIf it’s green, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it has numbers, it’s math. If it doesn’t work, it’s technology. – AnonymousIf you ask mathematicians what they do, you always get the same answer. They think. – M. EgrafovImpossible only means that you haven’t found the solution yet. – (www.Possibells.com - where 'All Things Are Possibell')In my experience most mathematicians are intellectually lazy. – Francis CrickIf the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. – Rita Mae BrownIn mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them. – René DescartesInsanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed. – Oliver W. HolmesIt has been said that figures rule the world. Maybe. But I am sure that figures tell us whether it is being ruled well or badly. – Johann Wolfgang von GoetheIt is a capital mistake to theorise before one has data. – Sir Arthur Conan DoyleIt is mathematical fact that the casting of this pebble from my hand alters the center of gravity of the universe. – Thomas CarlyleIt is not certain that everything is uncertain. – Blaise PascalIt is not good enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. – René DescartesIt is with books as with men: a very small number play a great part, the rest are lost in the multitude. – VoltaireIt would be better for the true physics if there were no mathematicians on earth. – Daniel BernoulliLet us grant that the pursuit of mathematics is a divine madness of the human spirit. – Alfred WhiteheadLike dreams, statistics are a form of wish fulfillment. – Jean Baudrillard Like the crest of a peacock, so is mathematics at the head of all knowledge. – Indian ProverbLogic is a poor guide compared with custom. – Winston ChurchillLogic is a large drawer, containing some useful instruments, and many more that are superfluous. A wise man will look into it for two purposes: to avail himself of those instruments that are really useful; and to admire the ingenuity with which those that are not so are assorted and arranged. – Charles ColtonLogic is like the sword – those who appeal to it shall perish by it. – Edward GibbonLogic is neither science nor an art, but a dodge. – Benjamin JowettLogic is one thing and common sense another. – Elbert HubbardLogic is the anatomy of thought. – Albert EinsteinLogic is the art of going wrong with confidence. – Joseph KrutchLogic is the hygiene the mathematician practices to keep his ideas healthy and strong. – Hermann WeylLogic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. – Lord DunsanyLogic takes care of itself; all we have to do is to look and see how it does it. – Ludwig WittgensteinLogic is the technique by which we add conviction to truth. – Jean de la BruyereLogic: the art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. – Ambrose BierceLogic works, metaphysics contemplates. – Joseph JoubertMan discovers truth by reason only, not by faith. – TolstoyMany are destined to reason wrongly; others, not to reason at all, and others to persecute those who reason. - VoltaireMath is like love – a simple idea but it can get complicated. – R. DrabekMathematical genius and artistic genius touch one another. – Gosta Mittag-LefflerMathematical rigor is like clothing: in its style it ought to suit the occasion, and it diminishes comfort and restrains freedom of movement if it is neither too loose or too tight. – G.F. SimmonsMathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different. – Johann Wolfgang von GoetheMathematics consists of proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way. – George PolyaMathematics has beauties of its own. – J.W.A. YoungMathematics knows no races or geographic boundaries. – David HilbertMathematics is a game played according to certain simple rules with meaningless marks on paper. – David HilbertMathematics if like checkers in being suitable for the young, not too difficult, amusing, and without peril to the state. – PlatoMathematics is distinguished from all other sciences except only ethics, in standing in no need of ethics. – Charles PeirceMathematics is indeed dangerous in that it absorbs students to such a degree that it dulls their senses to everything else. – Prinz zu Hohlenlohe-Ingelfingen KraftMathematics is not a careful march down a well-cleared highway, but a journey into a strange wilderness where the explorers often get lost. – W.S. AnglinMathematics is the cheapest science. All one needs for mathematics is a pencil and a paper. – George PolyaMathematics is the science which uses easy words for hard ideas. – James Roy NewmanMathematics may be compared to a mill of exquisite workmanship, which grinds your stuff to any degree of fineness. – Thomas HuxleyMathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. – René DescartesMathematics would certainly have not come into existence if one had known from the beginning that there was in nature no exactly straight line, no actual circle, no absolute magnitude. – Friedrich NietzscheMeasure what is measurable, and make measurable what is not so. - Galileo GalileiMen are apt to mistake the strength of their feeling for the strength of their argument. The heated mind resents the chill touch and relentless scrutiny of logic. – William GladstoneMost of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do. – James Harvey RobinsonNo, no, you’re not thinking; you’re just being logical. – Niels BohrNothing has afforded me so convincing a proof of the unity of the Deity as these purely mental conceptions of numerical and mathematical science. – Mary SomervilleNumbers have neither substance, nor meaning, nor qualities. They are nothing but marks. – Hermann WeylNot everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. – Albert EinsteinNumber theorists are like lotus-eaters – having once tasted of this food they can never give it up. – Leopold Kronecker‘Obvious’ is the most dangerous word in mathematics. – Eric T. BellOften statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts… for support rather than illumination. – Andrew LangOld mathematicians never die, they just lose their functions. – AnonymousOld statisticians never die, they are just broken down by age and sex. – AnonymousOn earth there is nothing great but man; in man there is nothing great but mind. – Sir William HamiltonOnce people begin to reason, all is lost. – VoltaireOne of the big misapprehensions about mathematics that we perpetrate in our classrooms is that the teacher always seem to know the answer to any problem that is discussed. – Leon HenkinOne of the endearing things about mathematicians is the extent to which they will go to avoid doing any real work. – Matthew PordageOrder is Heaven’s first law. – Alexander PopePerhaps the most surprising thing about mathematics is that it is so surprising. – E.C. TitchmarshPerfect numbers, like perfect men, are very rare. – René DescartesPhysicists know what’s important but they don’t know what is true. Mathematicians know what’s true but they don’t know what is important. – AnonymousProof if the idol before whom the pure mathematician tortures himself. – Sir Arthur EddingtonPure logic is the ruin of the spirit. – Antoine de Saint-ExupéryPure mathematics, may it never be of any use to anyone. – Henry SmithReason can wrestle and overthrow terror. – EuripidesScience is built up with facts, as a house is with stones. But a collection of facts is not more a science than a heap of stones is a house. – Jules PoincaréSeek simplicity and distrust it. – Alfred WhiteheadSince the mathematicians have invaded the theory of relativity, I do not understand it myself any more. – Albert EinsteinSix is a number perfect in itself, and not because God created the world in six days; rather the contrary is true. God created the world in six days because this number is perfect, and it would remain perfect, even if the work of the six days did not exist. – St. AugustineSmall minds are concerned with the extraordinary, great minds with the ordinary. – Blaise PascalStand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life there is no such thing as algebra. – Fran LebowitzStatistician: A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either. – Evan EsarStatistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. – Aaron LevensteinStatistics are no substitute for judgement. – Henry ClayStatistics have shown that mortality increases perceptibly in the military during wartime. – Alphonse AllaisStatistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. – Morris KlineStatistics: the only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. – Evan EsarThat logic has advanced in this sure course, even from the earliest times, is apparent from the fact that, since Aristotle, it has been unable to advance a step, and thus to all appearance has reached its completion. – Immanuel KantThe advantage is that mathematics is a field in which one’s blunders tend to show very clearly and can be corrected or erased with a stroke of the pencil. – Norbert WienerThe age of chivalry is gone. That of sophisters, economists and calculators has succeeded. – Edmund BurkeThe best defense against logic is ignorance. – Blaise PascalThe circumstances of human society are too complicated to be submitted to the rigor of mathematical calculation. – Marquis de CustineThe concept of number is the obvious distinction between the beast and man. – Joseph de MaistreThe control of large numbers is possible, and like unto that of small numbers, if we subdivide them. – Sun TzeThe fact is there are few more popular subjects than mathematics. Most people have some appreciation of mathematics, just as most people can enjoy a pleasant tune. – Godfrey HardyThe fact that logic cannot satisfy us awakens an almost insatiable hunger for the irrational. – A.N. WilsonThe formulation of a problem is often more essential than its solution, which may be merely a matter of mathematical or experimental skill. – Albert EinsteinThe laws of probability – so true in general, so fallacious in particular. – Edward GibbonThe mathematical sciences particularly exhibit order, symmetry, and limitation; and these are the greatest forms of the beautiful. – AristotleThe mathematician is entirely free, within the limits of the imagination, to construct what worlds he pleases. – J.W.N. SullivanThe mathematician may be compared to a designer of garments, who is utterly oblivious of all the creatures who his garments may fit. - DantzigThe mathematician’s patterns, like the painter’s or the poet’s, must be beautiful – there is no permanent place in this world for ugly mathematics. – Godfrey HardyThe mind has its own logic but does not often let others in on it. – Bernard DevotoThe more one analyzes people, the more all reasons for analysis disappear. Sooner or later one comes to that dreadful universal thing called human nature. – Oscar WildeThe most painful thing about mathematics is how far away you are from being able to use it after you have learned it. – James NewmanThe real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers. – Sydney HarrisThe solution of every problem is another problem. – Johann Wolfgang von GoetheThe supreme function of reason is to show man that some things are beyond reason. – Blaise PascalThe trouble with facts is that there are so many of them. – Samuel CrothersThe true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it. - VoltaireThe whole is more than the sum of its parts. – AristotleThe will of man is by his reason swayed. – Izaak WaltonThe words ‘figure’ and ‘fictitious’ both derive from the same Latin root, ‘fingere.’ Beware! – M.J. MoroneyThere are no deep theorems – only theorems that we have not understood very well. – Nicholas GoodmanThere are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. – Benjamin DisraeliThere are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who can’t. – AnonymousThere’s no problem so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from. - AnonymousThough this be madness, yet there is method in’t. – William ShakespeareTime heals what reason cannot. - SenecaTo the wise, life is a problem; to the fool, a solution. – Marcus AureliusToday, it is not only that our kings do not know mathematics, but our philosophers do not know mathematics and – to go further – our mathematicians do not know mathematics. – J. Robert OppenheimerViewed from the summit of reason, all life looks like a malignant disease and the world like a madhouse. – Johann Wolfgang von GoetheWe all have enough strength to follow our reason. – François de la RochefoucauldWe arrive at the truth, not by reason only, but also by the heart. – Blaise PascalWe used to think that if we knew one, we knew two, because one and one are two. We are finding that we must learn a great deal more about ‘and.’ – Sir Arthur EddingtonWhatever you can, count. – Sir Francis BaconWhen angry, count four; when very angry, swear. – Mark TwainWhen I am violently beset with temptations, or cannot rid myself of evil thoughts, I resolve to do some arithmetic, or geometry… which necessarily engages all my thoughts, and unavoidably keeps them from wandering. – Jonathon EdwardsWhen intuition and logic agree, you are always right. – Blaise PascalWhere so many hours have been spent in convincing myself that I am right, is there not some reason to fear that I may be wrong? – Jules Henri PoincaréYou always admire what you really do not understand. – Blaise PascalYou can only find truth with logic if you have found truth without it. – G.K. ChestertonYou cannot reason with a hungry belly; it has no ears. – Greek Proverb
ib
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
hUMOR For May 22nd
Drive thru Confessional
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,"You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Roof Leak"
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Drive thru Confessional
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,"You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Roof Leak"
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Lovely Girl
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car around," he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished. "Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency." "I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."
+++++++++++++++++++
Homework Help
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog?He ran off with some bones and didn't leave him with a leg to stand on! Where does the werewolf sit in the cinema?Anywhere he wants to! How do ghosts like their drinks?Ice ghoul! What's a skeleton's favorite pop group?Boney M!
+++++++++++++++++++
Price of Oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her
neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much
are these oranges?"
"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.
"How much is just one?" she asked.
"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.
"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
+++++++++++++++++++
"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I
hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or
contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on
that?'" - Dave Barry
+++++++++++++++++++
Teenagers Are Always HungryThe parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers."I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE POSTAL SERVICE NO ONE HEARS ABOUT Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day aftershe died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talkingabout how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write aletter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her.She dictated and I wrote:
Dear God Will you please take special care of our dog, Abbey? Shedied yesterday and is in heaven. We miss her very much. We arehappy nthat you let us have her as our dog even though she gotsick. I hope that you will play with her. She liked to play withballs and swim before she got sick. I am sending some pictures ofher so that when you see her in heaven you will know she is our Love, Meredith Claire We put that in an envelope with two pictures of Abbey, and addressed it to God in Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith stuck some stamps on the front (because, asshe said, it may take lots of stamps to get a letter all the wayto heaven), and that afternoon I let her drop it into theletter box at the post office. For a few days, she would ask ifGod had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. Yesterday there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch. Curious, I went to look at it. It had a goldstar card on the front and said "To Meredith" in an unfamiliarhand. Meredith took it in and opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers, "When a Pet Dies". Tapedto the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God,in its opened envelope. On the opposite page, one of thepictures of Abbey was taped under the words "For Meredith". We turned to the back cover, and there was the other pictureof Abbey, and this handwritten note on pink paper: "Dear Meredith, I know that you will be happy to know that Abbey arrivedsafely and soundly in Heaven! Having the pictures you sent to mewas such a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. You know, Meredith, she isn't sick anymore. Her spirit ishere with me--just like she stays in your heart--young andrunning and playing. Abbey loved being your dog, you know. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have anypockets!-- so I can't keep your beautiful letter. I am sending it toyou with the pictures so that you will have this book to keepand remember Abbey. One of my angels is taking care of this forme. I hope the little book helps. Thank you for the beautiful letter. Thank your mother for sending it. What a wonderful mother you have! I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am in heaven, but wherever there is love I am there also. Love, God
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,"You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Roof Leak"
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Drive thru Confessional
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,"You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Roof Leak"
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Lovely Girl
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car around," he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished. "Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency." "I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."
+++++++++++++++++++
Homework Help
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog?He ran off with some bones and didn't leave him with a leg to stand on! Where does the werewolf sit in the cinema?Anywhere he wants to! How do ghosts like their drinks?Ice ghoul! What's a skeleton's favorite pop group?Boney M!
+++++++++++++++++++
Price of Oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her
neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much
are these oranges?"
"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.
"How much is just one?" she asked.
"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.
"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
+++++++++++++++++++
"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I
hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or
contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on
that?'" - Dave Barry
+++++++++++++++++++
Teenagers Are Always HungryThe parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers."I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE POSTAL SERVICE NO ONE HEARS ABOUT Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day aftershe died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talkingabout how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write aletter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her.She dictated and I wrote:
Dear God Will you please take special care of our dog, Abbey? Shedied yesterday and is in heaven. We miss her very much. We arehappy nthat you let us have her as our dog even though she gotsick. I hope that you will play with her. She liked to play withballs and swim before she got sick. I am sending some pictures ofher so that when you see her in heaven you will know she is our Love, Meredith Claire We put that in an envelope with two pictures of Abbey, and addressed it to God in Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith stuck some stamps on the front (because, asshe said, it may take lots of stamps to get a letter all the wayto heaven), and that afternoon I let her drop it into theletter box at the post office. For a few days, she would ask ifGod had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. Yesterday there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch. Curious, I went to look at it. It had a goldstar card on the front and said "To Meredith" in an unfamiliarhand. Meredith took it in and opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers, "When a Pet Dies". Tapedto the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God,in its opened envelope. On the opposite page, one of thepictures of Abbey was taped under the words "For Meredith". We turned to the back cover, and there was the other pictureof Abbey, and this handwritten note on pink paper: "Dear Meredith, I know that you will be happy to know that Abbey arrivedsafely and soundly in Heaven! Having the pictures you sent to mewas such a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. You know, Meredith, she isn't sick anymore. Her spirit ishere with me--just like she stays in your heart--young andrunning and playing. Abbey loved being your dog, you know. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have anypockets!-- so I can't keep your beautiful letter. I am sending it toyou with the pictures so that you will have this book to keepand remember Abbey. One of my angels is taking care of this forme. I hope the little book helps. Thank you for the beautiful letter. Thank your mother for sending it. What a wonderful mother you have! I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am in heaven, but wherever there is love I am there also. Love, God
Monday, May 21, 2007
hUMOR For May 21st
Monkey travels in space
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:One of the passengers in a Soviet spacecraft is fooling around with the equipment, and his monkeyshines may end the flight prematurely. The passenger is in fact a monkey named Yarosha -- Russian slang for village troublemaker. Evidently bored on the fifth day of a scheduled 12-day flight, Yarosha slipped out of his harness and took a tour of the spacecraft. Tass, the Soviet news agency, reported that Yarosha was having a delightful time tampering with all of the equipment within reach. Watch out, Yarosha; if you break something, they'll probably dock your flight pay.
+++++++++++++++++++
Threaten with a knife
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, November 29, 1992Robert A. Chase, 45, was charged with threatening an 11-year-old boy with a knife in Madison, Wis. The boy was watching Chase play basketball with another adult when the opponent accused Chase of "traveling" (taking steps without dribbling the ball).To seek an impartial opinion, Chase asked the boy, but the boy agreed that Chase had traveled. Chase then allegedly grabbed the boy, held a knife to his throat, and asked, "Now. Did I travel?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Unsanitary conditions
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Wednesday, October 21, 1992The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations.The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.Said Health Director Ted Dumas, "I've seen everything now."
+++++++++++++++++++
Robbing a locked bank
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Wednesday, October 21, 1992In Annandale, Va., two armed men rushed the front door of First American Bank just after manager Dwight Smith opened up.Unknown to the men, the door had locked automatically behind Smith.The first robber bounced off the door hitting the second man.They escaped in their van and have not been captured.
+++++++++++++++++++
Public school dangers
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, November 29, 1992An investigation by the Dallas Morning News revealed the city's public schools employ at least 185 people who have been convicted of felonies, including two convicted murderers.In response, the school superintendent promised that the city would begin periodic records checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Locked in the trunk
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Monday, December 7, 1992Joe Albert Ruiz, 19, was arrested in Santa Maria in September. Police said he had broken into a car in the middle of the night and was in the trunk, disconnecting the rear speakers, when the trunk closed and locked him in.Neighbors reported strange noises, and a police officer called to the scene heard Ruiz banging on the trunk and yelling, "Let me out!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Normal traffic stop
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, December 13, 1992After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. Temple said they were just pets.
+++++++++++++++++++
Invent artificial dogs
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, November 22, 1992Researchers at Cornell University recently patented an artificial dog that would speed up the breeding of fleas for lab use.Previously, the lab required 25 live, severely infected dogs to breed the 12,000 fleas per day needed in studies of humans' and animals' allergic reactions to fleas.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hotel's loud snorers
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, December 13, 1992In October, the Swallows Hotel in Gateshead, England, offered 11 chronic snorers a free night's stay so they it could test how well soundproofed the rooms are. The hotel staff tape-recorded the sounds coming from the rooms and promised the loudest snorer a prize.
+++++++++++++++++++
Set up hidden cameras
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.December 18, 1992Michael J. Schmidt, 29, set up a hidden video camera at his home near Superior, Wis., because he had been burglarized several times and thought he could catch the culprits in the act.The burglars came back and were captured on tape, which Schmidt turned over to the sheriff.Among the items the burglars took from Schmidt's house was a box containing eight marijuana plants.Schmidt was charged with misdemeanor drug possession.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tied in an election
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.January 12, 1993Richard Kyle won his Arizona House seat in November more easily than he had won the Republican primary in September. He and his primary opponent, John Gaylord, had tied and had agreed to settle things with one hand of five-card stud dealt by the speaker of the Arizona House.Kyle's pair of sevens put him into the general election.
+++++++++++++++++++
Striking statistics
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut.
+++++++++++++++++++
Candidate's shootout
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Fargo, North Dakota:A candidate for sheriff has challenged his opponents to a shootout, calling it a test of a law officer's ability to protect the public."Clearly, being the best shot doesn't necessarily make you the best sheriff, but I think it proves a point," Ken Schwab said Tuesday.Schwab wants the four other candidates to meet him June 1 at a shooting range. Each will fire 24 rounds at targets to determine the best shot, Schwab said.The challenge could be a problem for one candidate -- a well-known local tax protester and convicted felon who's not allowed to possess a firearm
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:One of the passengers in a Soviet spacecraft is fooling around with the equipment, and his monkeyshines may end the flight prematurely. The passenger is in fact a monkey named Yarosha -- Russian slang for village troublemaker. Evidently bored on the fifth day of a scheduled 12-day flight, Yarosha slipped out of his harness and took a tour of the spacecraft. Tass, the Soviet news agency, reported that Yarosha was having a delightful time tampering with all of the equipment within reach. Watch out, Yarosha; if you break something, they'll probably dock your flight pay.
+++++++++++++++++++
Threaten with a knife
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, November 29, 1992Robert A. Chase, 45, was charged with threatening an 11-year-old boy with a knife in Madison, Wis. The boy was watching Chase play basketball with another adult when the opponent accused Chase of "traveling" (taking steps without dribbling the ball).To seek an impartial opinion, Chase asked the boy, but the boy agreed that Chase had traveled. Chase then allegedly grabbed the boy, held a knife to his throat, and asked, "Now. Did I travel?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Unsanitary conditions
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Wednesday, October 21, 1992The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations.The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.Said Health Director Ted Dumas, "I've seen everything now."
+++++++++++++++++++
Robbing a locked bank
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Wednesday, October 21, 1992In Annandale, Va., two armed men rushed the front door of First American Bank just after manager Dwight Smith opened up.Unknown to the men, the door had locked automatically behind Smith.The first robber bounced off the door hitting the second man.They escaped in their van and have not been captured.
+++++++++++++++++++
Public school dangers
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, November 29, 1992An investigation by the Dallas Morning News revealed the city's public schools employ at least 185 people who have been convicted of felonies, including two convicted murderers.In response, the school superintendent promised that the city would begin periodic records checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Locked in the trunk
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Monday, December 7, 1992Joe Albert Ruiz, 19, was arrested in Santa Maria in September. Police said he had broken into a car in the middle of the night and was in the trunk, disconnecting the rear speakers, when the trunk closed and locked him in.Neighbors reported strange noises, and a police officer called to the scene heard Ruiz banging on the trunk and yelling, "Let me out!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Normal traffic stop
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, December 13, 1992After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. Temple said they were just pets.
+++++++++++++++++++
Invent artificial dogs
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, November 22, 1992Researchers at Cornell University recently patented an artificial dog that would speed up the breeding of fleas for lab use.Previously, the lab required 25 live, severely infected dogs to breed the 12,000 fleas per day needed in studies of humans' and animals' allergic reactions to fleas.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hotel's loud snorers
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, December 13, 1992In October, the Swallows Hotel in Gateshead, England, offered 11 chronic snorers a free night's stay so they it could test how well soundproofed the rooms are. The hotel staff tape-recorded the sounds coming from the rooms and promised the loudest snorer a prize.
+++++++++++++++++++
Set up hidden cameras
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.December 18, 1992Michael J. Schmidt, 29, set up a hidden video camera at his home near Superior, Wis., because he had been burglarized several times and thought he could catch the culprits in the act.The burglars came back and were captured on tape, which Schmidt turned over to the sheriff.Among the items the burglars took from Schmidt's house was a box containing eight marijuana plants.Schmidt was charged with misdemeanor drug possession.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tied in an election
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.January 12, 1993Richard Kyle won his Arizona House seat in November more easily than he had won the Republican primary in September. He and his primary opponent, John Gaylord, had tied and had agreed to settle things with one hand of five-card stud dealt by the speaker of the Arizona House.Kyle's pair of sevens put him into the general election.
+++++++++++++++++++
Striking statistics
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut.
+++++++++++++++++++
Candidate's shootout
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Fargo, North Dakota:A candidate for sheriff has challenged his opponents to a shootout, calling it a test of a law officer's ability to protect the public."Clearly, being the best shot doesn't necessarily make you the best sheriff, but I think it proves a point," Ken Schwab said Tuesday.Schwab wants the four other candidates to meet him June 1 at a shooting range. Each will fire 24 rounds at targets to determine the best shot, Schwab said.The challenge could be a problem for one candidate -- a well-known local tax protester and convicted felon who's not allowed to possess a firearm
Sunday, May 20, 2007
hUMOR For May 21st
I Hear Ringing.....From a 12/05/04 Reuters story on Yahoo! News:"Now Japanese mobile operators (companies) are taking phone sound systems to the next level with stereo-quality songs that can be fully downloaded and edited, as well as surround-sound systems that trick users into hearing a bell ringing behind them or a ball whizzing by."What a genius idea: you hear your cell phone ringing, but can't tell where thesound is coming from.
+++++++++++++++++++
Talented Rat
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams? A. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?A: Pi a'la mode.
+++++++++++++++++++
Microsoft Air
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What's green a slimy and found at the North Pole? A lost frog! What's green and tough?A toad with a machine gun! Why didn't the female frog lay eggs?Because her husband spawned her affections! What do you call a 100 year old frog?An old croak!
+++++++++++++++++++
Danny was playing with his little brother Vernie when the little boy asked
whether he could fly like Superman. "Sure you can, Vernie," Danny said,
"Just flap your arms really hard."
So Vernie climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped,
then smashed into the ground just a few inches below. Horrified, their
mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"
Danny said, "I was just teaching Vernie not to believe everything he's
told."
+++++++++++++++++++
At graduation day to mark the end of a particularly trying year the
principal said, "A parent said to me recently that half the teachers do all
the work and the other half nothing at all. I'd like to assure all the
parents here this afternoon that at this school the opposite is the case."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever
dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer." - Jim Carrey
+++++++++++++++++++
Talented Rat
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams? A. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?A: Pi a'la mode.
+++++++++++++++++++
Microsoft Air
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What's green a slimy and found at the North Pole? A lost frog! What's green and tough?A toad with a machine gun! Why didn't the female frog lay eggs?Because her husband spawned her affections! What do you call a 100 year old frog?An old croak!
+++++++++++++++++++
Danny was playing with his little brother Vernie when the little boy asked
whether he could fly like Superman. "Sure you can, Vernie," Danny said,
"Just flap your arms really hard."
So Vernie climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped,
then smashed into the ground just a few inches below. Horrified, their
mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"
Danny said, "I was just teaching Vernie not to believe everything he's
told."
+++++++++++++++++++
At graduation day to mark the end of a particularly trying year the
principal said, "A parent said to me recently that half the teachers do all
the work and the other half nothing at all. I'd like to assure all the
parents here this afternoon that at this school the opposite is the case."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever
dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer." - Jim Carrey
Saturday, May 19, 2007
hUMOR For May 19th
Faster than a Speeding NunA police officer pulls over a car load of nuns....Officer: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."Officer: "Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit. That's the name of the highway you're on!"Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."At this point the officer looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.Officer: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
+++++++++++++++++++
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a
balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser
is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten
minutes.
1. Other women!
+++++++++++++++++++
Equal Marriage
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a marriage with equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!" Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached."Here, my love, enjoy!" Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
+++++++++++++++++++
Baptism
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
+++++++++++++++++++
Useful Words Not Found in the Dictionary
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Miniature!Miniature who?Miniature open the door, I'll tell you! Knock KnockWho's there?Minneapolis!Minneapolis who?Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?Minnie more! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?No not Minnie-who - Minnehaha! Knock KnockWho's there?Minsk!Minsk who?Minsk meat!
+++++++++++++++++++
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between
Them.
+++++++++++++++++++
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." ________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." ________________________________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes,
they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a
balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser
is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten
minutes.
1. Other women!
+++++++++++++++++++
Equal Marriage
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a marriage with equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!" Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached."Here, my love, enjoy!" Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
+++++++++++++++++++
Baptism
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
+++++++++++++++++++
Useful Words Not Found in the Dictionary
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Miniature!Miniature who?Miniature open the door, I'll tell you! Knock KnockWho's there?Minneapolis!Minneapolis who?Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?Minnie more! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?No not Minnie-who - Minnehaha! Knock KnockWho's there?Minsk!Minsk who?Minsk meat!
+++++++++++++++++++
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between
Them.
+++++++++++++++++++
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." ________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." ________________________________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes,
they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
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