hUMOR For April 30th

Sales Practice
The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. "Well," the man began, "I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.' Then I asked her 'Why?' She replied, 'Because I love you.'"
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For The Kids...
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake? A witch with a drum kit! What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?A witch in soggy shoes! What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?Lucky! What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?Broom mates!
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How to avoid shark attacks:

1. Never Leave Kansas
2. Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
3. Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
4. Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney
and leave you alone out of professional courtesy

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During the constitutional convention in 1787 when it was proposed that the
National Army be limited to 3,000 men, George Washington whispered from his
presiding chair, "Then we should have another article providing that no
foreign nation with an army exceeding 3,000 men be allowed to invade."

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"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing." -
Johnny Carson

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New PorscheA fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parentsbegan to yell and scream,"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs..""Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a carlike that for fifteen dollars?" they asked."It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know hername-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and askedme if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.""Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser.Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there andsee what's going on."So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where thelady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had solda Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it."Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend hehas runoff to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intendto come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell hisnew Porsche and send him the money. So I did."(Are women good or what?)
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”Parachute Questions”
A man is on his first parachute jump. He jumps out of the plane and counts, "1 2 3," and pulls the main cord.
Nothing happens.
He pulls on his emergency cord, again nothing happens.
Looking around desperately the man notices another man flying UP into the air. He hollers to him, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No!" the man going up replies. "Do you know anything about gas water heaters?"

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ObituariesHis four children were gathered around Mr. Staley's deathbed.As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a thousand dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.Mr. Staley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. "Children," he said, "I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married."His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're....."Mr. Staley said, "Yup. And cheap ones too!"

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A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country. Cutting out all the states, he gave it to Shelby, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today." After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, our country just came together."

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Teacher Applicant

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager
Vern Allen said:

"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that
room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for
learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity,
modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even
censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted
diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship,
sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a
checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
recognize sign s of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the
state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a
few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that
qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and then
you tell me...

I CAN'T PRAY?"

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You know you are 100% Oklahoman if:1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha .2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass atractor on the highway.5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.6. You know that the true value of a parking space is notdetermined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm about 5 minutes away.")11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.13. Little smokies are something you serve only for specialoccasions. 14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out anoutfit.16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and in which state"Miam-ee" is.21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin" to send them to your friends..27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation: "You wanna Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."

hUMOR For April 29th

Artistic WorthAn artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time."I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate invalue after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.""That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?""The guy was your doctor."

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Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all
sound the same.

Do not tell anyone what you have done -- it will only cause
them to worry. They will find out soon enough.

Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is
better if the accordion rests on your chest instead of your
back but, for the first few weeks, it doesn't really make
that much difference.

For sounds to be produced, three things must happen: The
bellows must be moving in or out. One or more of the keys or
buttons must be pressed. All potential weapons within a
one-mile radius must be collected and secured.

The third is the most important.

The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C"
button has a dimple or nipple so you can find it without
looking. (This is a safety feature. Before it was invented,
thousands of accordion players suffered painful and
sometimes disabling injuries, much to the delight of the
general public.)

Never use more than three buttons. "Professional"
accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons, but they
are actually just desperately trying to find the darned "C."

By the way, "Professional" means they have learned to smile
while they do it.

Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the
bottom and the low notes are at the top. (That arrangement
isn't supposed to make any sense. Accept it.)

Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low
notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion on
upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself. If the
former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack your
accordion up with hundreds of dollars and mail it far away
for a long, long time.

Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens
your life, whichever comes first.

Put the accordion back in its case, order an accordion
t-shirt, and wear it to your state's Accordion Fest.

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Yard Sale
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale." "I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied. "Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
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Army Brat vs. Navy Brat
An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat. "My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?" "Yes," said the Navy brat. "My dad has built them." Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?" "Yes." "It's my dad who's killed it!"
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Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work
1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar 2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis. 3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island. 4. You decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs. 5. People come into your office frequently to borrow pencils from your ceiling. 6. The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
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For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.Please sit on the couch.Which one? Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a mothGet out of the way, your in my light!

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Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

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Auto RepairsAn auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

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Towel Pirate
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
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Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?" After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!" At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

hUMOR For April 28th

Good GrammarTeacher: Vernie, give me a sentence starting with "I".Vernie: I is ...Teacher: No, Vernie. Always say, "I am."Vernie: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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"Lost Money"
The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker. She sent the following email: "If anybody can say where they lost $70, please let me know and it will be returned to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2001."
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Oneliner
"With sufficient thrust pigs fly just fine."
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CleanPun - "Happy as a Clam"
Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.
Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.
"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time," Abrahams said.
Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favourite rock station but they were playing Rockabilly which I absolutely detest.
So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects.
He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste.
I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air.
The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.
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”Women and Cats”
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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An arrogant Department of Agriculture (DOA) representative
stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer. "I need to
inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."

The Agricultural representative said in a wise tone, "I have
the authority of the U.S. Government with me. See this card?
I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams. He saw the DOA rep
running for the fence, and close behind was the farmer's
prize bull.

The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and was
gaining at every step.

The old farmer called out: "Show him your card!"

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Two caterpillars
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."
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Stricter with the screening process
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year." The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?" The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ." "Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?
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Women in Combat
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
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For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!When did this happen?When did what happen? Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber bandWhy don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it! Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liarI can't believe that!
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The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's windshield.

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While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical
students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and
tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

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Error message: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on
users for the program's shortcomings.

hUMOR For April 27th

How to Photograph a New Puppy1. Remove film from box and load camera.2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.4. Choose a suitable background for photo.5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.13. Put magazines back on coffee table.14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"17. Clean up mess.18. Fix a drink.19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

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Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys
work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the
basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their
adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to
school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

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Hi Jack
I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747. I said "Hi Jack." He shot me.
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Air conditioner trouble
A salesman for a mobile home dealership had a customer call him about this problem: The customer called and said she was having problems with her air conditioner. She said, "Mr. X, we are about to freeze to death! I keep turning it down but it won't turn off!"
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Sahara Desert
A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, "Mush! Mush!" Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!" The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!" The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "YOU'RE lost?!"
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For The Kids...
If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas? His wife! What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale?You can't keep a good man down! Who designed Noah's ark?An ark-itect! When did Caesar reign?I didn't know he reigned.Of course he did, didn't they hail him? Teacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine
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Fortune cookie mistake
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:"You will gain admiration from your pears."Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them, anyway.

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Strange grants given
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.

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Strange grants given
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school
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The Hokey Pokey - Shakespearean Style
Original Lyrics Put your left foot in, Your left foot out,Your left foot in,And shake it all about.You do the hokey pokeyAnd turn yourself aroundThat's what it's all about. Shakespearean Style O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

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Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. - Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. - A harp is a nude piano. - Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. - I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. - My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. - Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. - Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

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For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Miniature!Miniature who?Miniature open the door, I'll tell you! Knock KnockWho's there?Minneapolis!Minneapolis who?Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?Minnie more! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?No not Minnie-who - Minnehaha! Knock KnockWho's there?Minsk!Minsk who?Minsk meat!

hUMOR For April 26th

Do You Realize...
A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a
man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of
minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the
United States Congress?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all
right. I'll trust you anyway."

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An American and an Irishman
An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows.
The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. "You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"
"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.
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Don't Touch Me
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".
"Why not", he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead".
The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".
The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"
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If I could hit the ball that way ...
Bob Gibson, known for his sarcastic wit, caught teammate Curt Flood off guard with a rare compliment as Gibson watched him take batting practice."Way to hit the ball, roomie. If I could hit the ball that way, I'd take off my toeplate and retire from pitching," Gibson said.
Flood smiled.
"In fact, roomie,'' Gibson continued, "If I hit the way you do, I think I'd also retire from baseball."
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For The Kids...
How do you know when you are in bed with a witch?
She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas!
What do witches ring for in a hotel?
B-room service!
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
What's the first thing that a wizard does in the morning?
He wakes up!
What do you call a wizard who's black and blue all over?
Bruce!
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A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very
frustrated and he began his sermon, "All members of this
parish are going to hell if they don't change their ways."

One man in the back began to laugh.

So the pastor said it again louder.

The man continued to laugh.

The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was
laughing.

He answered, "Because I don't belong to this church!"

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The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy,
regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:

"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to
get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."

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"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W
as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

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Maybe carrots will give me strong, sharp eyes, but what if they also give me
long floppy ears?

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Another smart lawyer
A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or
just slow down?"
+++++++++++++++++++

Appeal a CaseLawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

+++++++++++++++++++

A policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that
a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses,
he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who
claimed he was an eyewitness.

"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?"
inquired the officer.

"Sir," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of
the pole."

+++++++++++++++++++

Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you understand me?
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This dog loves people
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men.""Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Writing letters to son
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Phone company's errors
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Phone Company Gives Something for NothingDear Ann,I think I can top the person who wrote complaining about the idiocy of the phone company. Talk about garbage in, garbage out!When AT&T split with Bell, we had three phones in our house. The equipment belonged to Ma Bell and the service belonged to AT&T. After we returned all the phone equipment to Ma Bell, we received a bill for $0.00. A few weeks later, we received a check for $5 and a note thanking us. Several months later, we received another computerized bill for $0.00. We called again, got nowhere, so we sent another check for $0.00. A few weeks later we received another $5 refund with the same thank you.This went on every three months for two years. Now we are down to once a year and have given up trying to straighten this out. We just cash the $5 and forget about it.+++++++++++++++++++++
Converting to metric
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:All signs metricNext 20 miles+++++++++++++++++++++
Begin emergency landing
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.The vibration stopped immediately.A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

hUMOR For April 25th

"Martha Stewart got a $500-million bonus on top of her salary last year.
This year, she's asking for her bonus to be paid in candy bars and
cigarettes." - Jim Barach

+++++++++++++++++++

Murphy's Laws on Computers

- As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it.

- Installing a new program will always mess up at least one
old one.

- You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.

- The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct
proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been
backed up.

- There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose
hard disks have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't
crashed - yet.

- Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you
fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it.

+++++++++++++++++++

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again."Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Three Sisters

Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together. One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure. Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

+++++++++++++++++++
"Two Feet"
A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet.
Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelator."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Golf Friendless"
"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Bob asked.
"Well, no," admitted the friend.
"Neither will John," replied Bob.
+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
"You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Onion Mishap"
Don't panic but I'm in hospital. I have poisoned myself. I ate what I thought was an onion it, turned out it was a daffodil bulb.
Doctor says I'll be out in the spring!
+++++++++++++++++++
”Mummy COD”
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
+++++++++++++++++++
Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK? Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down) Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? It's impossible! You're not very good at this, are you? Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another1000. Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer..... Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe. Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name isMary. Read the question again! Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants? He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.
PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

hUMOR For April 24th

Out Of Step
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Candy Dispenser
While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked. As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rescue
There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man. He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet. A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!" So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off. The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come" Reluctantly, the helicopter left. The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned. At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?" St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a witch who drives really badly? A road hag! What kind of jewellry do warty witches wear on their wrists?Charm bracelets! When should you feed witches milk to a baby?When it's a baby witch! Who's the fastest witch?The ones that ride on a vroom stick!
+++++++++++++++++++

Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. "I'm going
to be the Pope," he said.

"Jake, you can't be the Pope," I said. "You're not Catholic. You're
Lutheran."

Jake hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a
few minutes, he asked,

"Is Dracula a Lutheran?"

+++++++++++++++++++

Our three-year-old daughter, Jenna, was having trouble sleeping through the
night, waking up because she was afraid. Each time as I re-tucked her into
bed, I would remind her that Jesus was with her and he would keep her safe.

The sleepless nights continued, with Abby seeking comfort in our bedroom.
Finally, one night, I asked her if she had prayed for Jesus to take her fear
away and help her fall asleep.

"Oh, yes," she assured me. "He told me to come and get you."

+++++++++++++++++++

"I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah's Witnesses do
not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their
door and annoying them." - Bruce Clark

+++++++++++++++++++
Military Medical Clinic
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did. When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."
+++++++++++++++++++
Driver's Ed
A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly and asked the driver what he was doing. "I am learning to drive," was the reply. "What? without an instructor ?" exclaimed the officer. "Oh yes," answered the driver."It's a correspondence course.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Signs That You're At A Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den. 9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit. 10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.What's come over you?Two cars and a bus! Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.Sit there and don't stir. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.Get back in the queue. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.I'll deal with you later.

hUMOR For April 23rd

A large, well-established Canadian lumber camp advertised
that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp
with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack's door. The
head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him
to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the
skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the
lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he
was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree
down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where
did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's
what they call it now!"

+++++++++++++++++++
Keep Your Seat
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
+++++++++++++++++++
Foreman
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
+++++++++++++++++++
Hippopotamus, New York
A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered. "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?Skate! What do you call a fish with no eyes?Fsh! What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?A hermit crab! What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?As far away as possible!
+++++++++++++++++++

Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished I said, "This
may hurt a little, Doc. I don't have any money.

+++++++++++++++++++
"Shopping Plan"
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.
As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child;
"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
"With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider - kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Hereafter"
"These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after."
+++++++++++++++++++

Redneck Patch

Frank and Bubba were driving home from the bar when Frank noticed blue lights flashing in his rearview mirror.Bubba got scared stiff and started freaking out because of the beers they had in their laps.Frank told Bubba just to be quiet, do what he does, and let him do the talking.Frank then ripped the label off his beer, licked the back of it and slapped it onto his forehead. Bubba went right along and done the same. The officer walked up to the truck and asked, "Have you had anything to drink tonight?". Frank replied, "No sir. Not a drop." The officer looked confused and said, "You sure?" "Yep", said Frank. The officer in a mad voice said, "Then what's that on yall's forehead?" Frank said calmly, "We're alcoholics and our doctor said it would be best if we were on the patch."

+++++++++++++++++++

Pea Soup

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?You can chop beef, but you can't pea soup!

+++++++++++++++++++
”Two Generals”
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, "General, United States Army, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "General, United States Air Force, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Generals."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Ring Bell”
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me," he replies.

hUMOR For April 22nd

Talking About OthersA young mother was riding the bus with her four year old boy when he suddenly blurted out so that everyone in the bus could hear, "Look mom, see that man's nose? It looks soooo funny!"The mother was quite embarrassed and scolded her son. Then she whispered to him that if there was something he wanted to say about someone then he had to wait until they got home or at least where nobody could hear them, so that nobody would be sad.A moment later the boy blurted out in the same loud voice, "Look mom, we've got to talk about that big fat lady when we get home!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A Following Person
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office." "I wonder why," the teacher mused. "Because he's a following person," Alice replied. "A what?" the teacher asked. "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Island
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
+++++++++++++++++++
Aisle Seat
I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why did the whale cross the road?To get to the other tide! What did the slug say to the other who had hit him and run off?I'll get you next slime! What was the snail doing on the highway?About one mile a day! What is the definition of a slug?A snail with a housing problem!

+++++++++++++++++++
I.R.S. HumorIt's that time of year again...
Q: What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?A: Not enough cement.Q: What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?A: Skeet.Q: What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?A: His co-workers.Q: What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?A: A Doberman.Q: What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?A: One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?Post Office just recalled their newest stamps. They had pictures of IRS agents on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

+++++++++++++++++++
Arkansas SurgeonsWho's the best Redneck surgeon?
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, “I'm the best Surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”The second surgeon said. “That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.”The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's dirty blonde hair and the horse's behind. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President.”

+++++++++++++++++++
Simultaneous HuntersThat's why he gets paid 'big bucks' from above...
Three friends (a lawyer, doctor, & preacher) went hunting. The 3 shot a big buck simultaneously. Upon reaching it they found out that it had only one bullet hole. A debate followed concerning whose buck it was.Five minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate.The officer told them he could tell who shot the buck, “The pastor shot it.”They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.The officer said, “Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”

+++++++++++++++++++
How Smart Is Your Right Foot?Ever tried to outsmart your feet?
[This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't...]1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!I told you so...And there is nothing you can do about it...

+++++++++++++++++++
Gifts For The TeacherIs it Scotch?
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.And Vernie brought up a big, heavy box.The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.“Is it wine?” she guessed.“No,” the boy replied.She tasted another drop and asked, “Champagne?”“No,” said the little boy. “It's a puppy!”

+++++++++++++++++++

The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he
asked the sales clerk.

"Forty dollars."

The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a
twenty. "I'll take one spur."

"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.

The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the
other side'll go too."

+++++++++++++++++++

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in
Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When
someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at
it and address him by name.

Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a
corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk
said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

+++++++++++++++++++

For an auto mechanic, frustration is having a pound of grease on both hands
and no upholstery to wipe them on.

hUMOR For April 21st

The following are all replies that Dallas TX women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details". Or putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms (truth be told??).

Number 11 takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up. Number 5 gives new meaning to people from Virginia

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins. Child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time ... Well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

+++++++++++++++++++

There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her
six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?"
she asks.

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she
recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of
autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you
crying?"

"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for
the rest of my life."

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Two Lawyers
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
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Expensive Operation
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
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Worms
Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail. Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave." Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me." Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh. Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate. So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!" Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
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For The Kids...
What did the slug say as he slipped down the wall?How slime flies! How do you know your kitchen floor is dirty?The slugs leave a trail on the floor that reads "clean me"! What do you do when two snails have a fight?Leave them to slug it out!
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A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."

"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the
world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work
endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light
years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."

"And that, my master, is fate?"

"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."

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I was flying between Toronto and Ottawa. It's only a 9 minute flight and so,
to save money, I flew with a small airline in a little, twin-engine plane.
About two minutes into the flight the pilot announced that we were going to
have to turn back due to some engine trouble.

The nervous passenger I was seated next to turned to me and said, "If we
loose an engine, how far do you think the other one will take us?"

I told him, "One engine? Oh, I'm sure it'll take us all the way to the scene
of the crash. Heck, we'll probably make good time too. I bet we beat the
paramedics there by at least a half hour."

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"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?" - Satchel Paige

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HymnsThe minister was preaching on the evils of drink. He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the river. Then he moved on to beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river, and then all other forms of alcohol to be dumped into the river. The choir director's face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was "Shall We Gather At The River?"

hUMOR For April 20th

A Day at the RacesA Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man, using a cane, and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a young man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi."I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi. This must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names."So where's the money?" she asks."I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost.""You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!""It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke."

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MATHEMATICS What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top! If I may add one more equation: W-H-O Y-O-U K-N-O-W 23+8+15+25+15+21+11+14+15+23 = 170%

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I have a friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the
left all the time.

It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor and
have his legs checked out. For years, he refused and told me
I was crazy.

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor
discovered his left leg was 1/4 inch shorter than his right.

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured. Both
legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer
leans.

"So," I said, "you didn't believe me when I told you a
doctor could fix your leg."

He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

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Rolls Royce
Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His own car was off the road being serviced. "Sure," said Morry, "I'll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside." As they're driving along, Moshe says, "Morry, what's that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?" "That's my digital clock." A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?" "That's my tachometer," says Morry. Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, "But what's that...." "Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Morry, "I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before." "Never in the front seat." says Moshe.
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How can I get to heaven?
I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" "No!" the children all answered. Then I said, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?" Again, the answer was, "No!" "Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
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Apprehension
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
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For The Kids...
Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain. Why's that?My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it. Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in?Certainly - how about a paper bag? Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.Next, please! Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.Pull yourself together!
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Making a WillA man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."The lawyer says "Don't worry. Leave it all to me."The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"

hUMOR For April 19th

Getting YoungerOld Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health."Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger," says the doctor."Who asked you to make me younger?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!"

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We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and
several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At
one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar
for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by
asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"

There was silence.

Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you
can move diagonally."

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Parking Meter
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"
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It Just Shows Stars
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says. "Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password." "Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
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Blonde & Overhead Transparancy
Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it over and used the other side.
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For The Kids...
How do you start an insect race?One, two, flea - go! How do you find where a flea has bitten you?Start from scratch! What is a flea's favorite book?The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy! Which fish can perform operations?A Sturgeon!
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As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven
year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed
them with butter.

The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside
and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over
his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you
should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other
beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."

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School ExcusesPlease excuse my child from school today...Loose vowels from absent minded parents!
[These are real notes written by parents in an Alabama school district. Spellings and grammar have been left intact...]1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.3. Dear school: please excuse john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.4. Please excuse Gloria from jim today. She is administrating.5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.11. Please excuse Leslie from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday we thought it was Sunday.17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

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Deck Of Cards PatientWhen you're not dealt a full deck...
“Doctor, Doctor!” a man says to a psychiatrist.“You've got to help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!”“Sit over there,” the shrink says. “I'll deal with you later.”

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Cannibal World RecordWhen a promotion at work is sometimes hard to stomach…
Some Guinness World Record staff were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals.“Oh, yes!” the chief of the tribe exclaimed. “We’re going to put you all into big pots of water, cook you and eat you.”“You can’t do that to me,” said Craig Glenday. “I’m the editor at Guinness World Records!”“Well,” the cannibal responded, “tonight you will be editor-in-chief!”

hUMOR For April 18th

She Was So Blonde That
- She tripped over a cordless phone. - She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." - She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." - She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." - She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. - She studied for a blood test. - When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. - When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. - She sold the car for gas money!
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For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat?The milky baa kid! What is a duck's favorite dance?The quackstep! Which dance will a chicken not do?The foxtrot! What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?A woolly jumper!
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My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the
restrooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.

I asked him why, and he confessed that they worked fine, but
when he went into the men's restroom, he saw a sign that
read:

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

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How Smart Is Your Right Foot?This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand ... Your foot will change direction!!!I told you so ... And there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends ... They won't be able to believe it either!!!

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"Preacher's Best Years"
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
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Oneliner
"Have a nice day...someplace else!"
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CleanPun - "Gravity"
Gravity always gets me down.
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Divorce Is GrandNew fulfilling lifestyle on less than a dime...
Dear Wife:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.Your Ex-HusbandP.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning... and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.So take care.SignedRich As Hell and Free!P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

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Ladies Room ButtonsPushing the wrong button can be hazardous to your plumbing...
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.A nurse noticed his predicament.“Sir, ” she said, “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.Who would know if he touched them?He couldn't resist. He pushed 'WW'. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.“What happened?” he exclaimed. “The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.”“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”... MEN NEVER LISTEN

hUMOR For April 17th

"Accident Prayer"
As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
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CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
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"Expenses" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the
bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter
goes back to work.

Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's
there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to
see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
bell?"

"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.

"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.

"They keep resuscitating me

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For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

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HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better. PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback

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A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.

The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is… in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.

He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, “Hey man… I’ve been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm… Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What’s your deal?

The guy with No arms says, “Arrrrr… dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!

Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.

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Tax-ing QuotesIf it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then I repeat myself. - Mark TwainI contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston ChurchillA government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard ShawA liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon LiddyDemocracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown UniversityGiving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil LibertarianGovernment is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986) I don't make joe-ks. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will RogersIf you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'RourkeIn general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. - UnknownThe government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald ReaganThe inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark TwainThe ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress. - Mark TwainWhat this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson

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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien "Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno "Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism. Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was probably the punishment." --Jay Leno "The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien "Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno "Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien "Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay Leno
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The Procrastinator's Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan. 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

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