hUMOR For Feb 28th

The Game WardenThe Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license. "This is last year's license," the warden informed him."I know," said the hunter, "but I shouldn't need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year."

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Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the
doorman without tipping him.

Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and
said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the
way home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."

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Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't
take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital
for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had
managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the
skimpy gown, the food and especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma
spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's
that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the
interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern
replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around
here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and
switch it on herself."

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"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's
great invention had been directed at printing only comic books." - Robert M.
Hutchins

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My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, and Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say! "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. CAN YOU RELATE???
Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!!!!
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25 Signs that you have finally grown up:1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you to go bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "break up". 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up". 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@#! kids next doorwon't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning ofone. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms andpregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going todrink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate theminstead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?" Bonus: 26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign thatdoesn'tapply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then youforward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it &do the same.

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"Work Confusion"
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what on earth are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick
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CleanQuote
"Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple."- Barry Switzer
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Vain Religion" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

hUMOR For Feb 27th

Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.

Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.

Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.

Dadicated: being the best father you can be.

Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.

Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes
along.

Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone
else talking too much.

Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.

Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.

Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer
exists.

Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.

Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.

Mandals: sandals for men.

Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving
directions in an overly critical manner.

Obliment: an obligatory compliment.

Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty
person.

Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.

Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too
bright.

Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.

Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.

Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.

Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.

Wackajacky: very messed up.

Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.

Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while
yawning.

Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her
step.

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"My girlfriend is not a ball and chain. She's more of a spring-loaded
trap." - Kevin Hench

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Math Zero MagicMath Magic with 9 numbers...
1. Pick a secret number from 1 to 9.2. Multiply that number by 9.3. Multiply that number by 123,456,789.The answer will be your new secret number, repeated in a row with one stray 0 thrown in!Example: If your first number is 8, multiply it by 9 (8 x 9 = 72).Now multiply 72 by 123,456,789... you will get: 8,888,888,808.
Amazing, eh!

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Housework-Challenged HusbandSome men are one shirt short of a full load...
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”He yelled back, “Queen's University.”And they say blondes are dubm...

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"Knee Tattoo"
A hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee.
"What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design.
"It's a banjo," he said sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama."
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Oneliner
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible." - George Burns

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CleanPun - "Ghost Marriage"
I once knew a woman wanted to marry a ghost.
I don't know what possessed her!

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”Alimony Decision”
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

hUMOR For Feb 26th

A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2000
ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."

The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time.
Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"

The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the
congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."

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Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving
them prune juice in Holy Communion.

When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said,"If the Holy
Spirit won't move you--the prune juice will!"

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"No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than
the one who's giving it." - Hal Chadwick

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Early one winter morning while listening to the radio, Leroy and his wife Carol hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Carol goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,"We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Carol goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says" We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park... " Then the electric power goes out.
Carol is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love & understanding in his voice, like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Leroy says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.?"

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Bad Dan … BAD!

Our Lord gave his life on Calvary’s hill so that we might be forgiven of our transgressions. The gospel invites God’s children (which includes me, despite what you say, Dan) to live in accordance with the Master’s teachings and His word. Therefore, you are forgiven for the horrible lies spread by your emails – especially those regarding Pixie. May I suggest that you now take your sin to god and seek His forgiveness – since that’s where it really counts!

You are forgiven, brother … just NEVER do such a thing again. As the saying goes, fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. We were on to the lying little boy in Dan this time but such tails remain hurtful given that they are laced with just enough plausibility and fact to cause concern.

Enjoy the warmth now being experienced by the populace of MN!
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Dan was flying from Minneapolis to Orlando. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Atlanta along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.Everybody got off the plane except Dan who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell Dan was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.The man could also tell Dan had flown this very flight many times before because the pilot approached him, called him by name, said, "Dan, we are in Atlanta for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Dan replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs and take a leak."Picture this:All the people in the gate area came to complete silence when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses! People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

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"Shoebox Dolls"
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about..
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
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"Return Policy"
The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds.
After explaining this policy to the grouchy dowager, the woman blew up at the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The clerk replied George Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.
The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her purse. "He will hear from me!" she announced as she stormed out of the store.
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Oneliner
"My mind works like lightning; one brilliant flash and it is gone."
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"Entomologist Tenure"
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university, he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always packed, and two years ago he was honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful research project in several years. The last paper that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of "Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his research grants would not be renewed for the coming year. And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication by a major entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the past, this had always had been effective in relieving tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a parasite. But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals, not plants. He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before. He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure. And, he received a new major grant to study this new species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.

hUMOR For Feb th

Friendly SkiesAn award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone."May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "(Expletive) you."Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

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On a joint military exercise an English soldier, an American solider,and a
Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise
and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.

"In the Russian army we get 2000 calories of food a day" said the Russian.

"Well," said the Englishman, "in the British army we are given 4000 calories
of food a day."

"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we get 8000 calories
of food a day."

At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense," he said, "how could one
man eat so much cabbage?"

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When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first
checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."

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9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.

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"Moonshine Benefit"
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
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Engineering TalkI work as an Design Engineer. While driving I seldom slow down at the road breakers and bumps. One day out of exasperation my wife sitting next to me said," You know Honey, if you don't slow down you going to damage your shock absorber and your bearing and you will soon have to do a wheel alignment again." I was surprised by her knowledge of the technical words and told her so. She replied," Sweetheart, for years I've being telling you in plain English to slow down but you aren't listening. I thought maybe some engineering talk might help you see your foolishness."Well it did.

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THESE SIGNS WERE WRITTENHere are a few signs you may not have seen before:Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!!"At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."In a restaurant window: "Eat now, pay waiter."Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI: "PUSH. If it doesn't open, PULL. If it still doesn't open, WE ARE CLOSED."Sign in school near clock: "Time will pass; will you?"On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."Sign in a dentist's office: "Patient parking only. All others will be painfully extracted." Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."Brochure for mountain cabin rentals: "Lovely honeymoon cabin . . . . sleeps 8"A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: "Do not activate with wet hands."In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."Seen on a billboard along a highway: "Caution: objects in the mirror may have flunked driver's education."

hUMOR For Feb. 24th

"I'm all for free speech when people keep it to themselves."

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Ah yes, when I think of crack-pots, my mind immediately turns to my older brother, Dan. Please don’t’ confuse potheads with a crack-pot. While Dan’s not a pothead, he most certainly is a crack-pot (a Looney Toon)!

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Here's a note from one such retired person: The other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi". He glared at me, and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

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"Doctor's Orders"
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
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Oneliner
"It's not an optical illusion - it just looks like one."
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"Lion Hunting"
Before they go out hunting for food, the lion says to his friends, "Let us prey."

hUMOR For Feb 23rd

New Company Policy

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
Company Policy:
February 8, 2007

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

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"Proposal Condition"
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
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Oneliner
"If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings."
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"Boat Names"
A boating magazine ran a contest for clever boat names. The following names reeled in the honors:
Brace Yourself (owned by an orthodontist)
Sir Osis of the River
Aqua Seltzer
Out to Launch
Watertight Alibi (owned by a lawyer)
Meals on Reels
The Merri Yot
and, from a landscape contractor, Yard Buoy.
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"Inspiration"
A lady came to a famous poet and handed him a piece of paper, explaining, "The Lord has given me this poem."
The poet scanned the appalling doggerel she had written, then wadded it up and threw it into the trash with the reply, "The Lord has given, the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord."
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Computer HelpLast week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more."Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?""Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"

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My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was
expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was
mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must
have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it
up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two
golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand and
a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut
swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to
lose his ball!"

hUMOR For Feb. 22nd

ctorsTwo actors who haven't seen each other in several weeks run in to each other on the street.1st Actor: Haven't seen you in a while, how's everything going?2nd Actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew about that died and left me $2,000,000.#1: That's great!#2: Yeah. And then last week I hit the lottery and won $7,000,000.#1: That's wonderful!#2: Yeah, but this week, nothing!

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The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject
of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers
would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were
concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge
when you should feed them because they were always grazing.

A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for
judging the true hunger of teenagers.

"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if
they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were
hungry enough to be fed."

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Samaritan ZipperMaking close friends at the bus stop...
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!”The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends.”

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Quotable QuotesWhat can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time?
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. Mitch RatcliffeA modern computer is an electronic wonder that performs complex mathematical calculations and intricate accounting tabulations in one ten-thousandth of a second – and then mails out statements ten days later. Paul SweeneyA peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey. Dolly PartonA perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. Dave BarryA racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time. Marjorie JohnsonAccording to Modern Bride magazine, the average bride spends 150 hours planning her wedding. The average groom spends 150 hours going, “Yeah, sounds good.” Jay LenoAge is nothing at all… unless you are a cheese. Billie BurkeAll mothers have intuition. The great ones have radar. Cathy GuisewiteAn eye for an eye only leads to more blindness. Margaret AtwoodAs far as I’m concerned, “whom” is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. Calvin TrillinBe careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark TwainBefore you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. Ann BrasharesBehind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim CarreyBeing in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It’s kinda like being the guy on a date. Caroline RheaCanada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it’s doing in the Maritimes. Tommy DouglasDid you hear about the Bishop who hired a secretary who had worked for the Pentagon? She immediately changed his filing system to “Sacred” ad “Top Sacred.” Ira N. BriggsDos it ever amaze and delight you that of all the places in the world – cold grassy nests under hedgerows, warm patches of sun on a carpet – the cat chooses to sit on your lap? Nevada BarrEverything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joe-k. Will Rogers“Exercise” is such a dirty word in my household that whenever I even think o it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate. Leonore FleischerFor two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the only miracle the Vatican has overlooked. Bill CosbyGraduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated. Garry TrudeauHappiness is good health and a bad memory. Ingrid BergmanHaving a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head. Martin MullHow come if you mix flour and water together you get glue? And when you add eggs and sugar your get cake? Where does the glue go? Rita RudnerHumour is based on a modicum of truth. Ever heard a joe-k about a father-in-law? Dick ClarkHumour is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood. Mary HirschI believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out. Arthur Hays SulzbergerI don’t work out. If God wanted us to bend over, he’d put diamonds on the floor. Joan RiversI feel strongly that the visual arts are of vast importance. Of course I could be prejudiced. I am a visual art. Kermit The FrogI looked up the word ‘politics’ in the dictionary. It’s actually a combination of two words: ‘poli’, which means many, and ‘tics’, which means bloodsuckers. Jay LenoI think I have a disease called spontaneous disclosure. I need to tell everyone my life story instantaneously. Kelly RipaI wanted a man who wouldn’t stray so I’m dating a guy on house arrest. Kim BoveI wear glasses, so I can look for things I keep losing. Bill CosbyIf Adam and Eve were alive today, they would probably sue the snake. Bern WilliamsIf an idea’s worth having once, it’s worth having twice. Tom StoppardIf dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one. Andrew A. RooneyIf men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? Linda EllerbeeIf pregnancy were a book, they would cut the last two chapters. Nora EphronIf some countries have too much history, we have too much geography. William Lyon Mackenzie KingIf truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? Lily TomlinIf we are a country committed to free speech, then why do we have phone bills? Steven WrightIf you can see a bandwagon, it’s too late to get on it. James GoldsmithIf you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. Katharine HepburnIf you’re going to write a book on how to raise children, do it before you have them. Bob McLarenI’m always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it. George CarlinI’m at the age where my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis DillerI’m convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. Tom ClarkI’m paranoid about everything. On my stationary bike I have a rearview mirror. Richard LewisIn any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it’s cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. Stuart KeateIn California virtually everyone has had their teeth whitened. If they all smiled at once, they would give us a headache. Garrison KeillorInstead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. Rod StewartIt’s all right letting yourself go, as long as you can let yourself back. Mick JaggerIt’s easy to get a reputation for wisdom. It’s only necessary to live long, speak little and do less. P.D. JamesIt’s time to diet and exercise when you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time – but not while you’re wearing a bathing suit. Gene PerretI’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have good in their mouths. Kenneth ColeJust be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. Dennis MillerJust think how far we’ve come in the 20th Century. The man who used to be a cog in the wheel is now a digit in the computer. Robert FuossLawyers are like beavers: They get in the middle of the stream and dam it up. Donald RumsfeldLearn to enjoy your own company. You are the one person you can count on living with for the rest of your life. Ann RichardsLet the wind blow through your hair while you still have some. Dave WeinbaumLike all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we’ve set aside enough money for our kids’ therapy. Michelle PfeifferLove is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody AllenMany an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist. Robert G. AllenMobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who’s got the smallest. Neil KinnockMoney doesn’t talk, it swears. Bob DylanMost people hate cell phone use on trains – I love cell phone use on trains. What do you want to do – read that report on your lap, or hear about your neighbour’s worst date ever? Liza MundyMy husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. Rita RudnerMy metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. Ron DentingerMy mother always used to say, “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.” Betty WhiteMy perspective on my mother has changed immensely. She was a lot taller when I was younger. Howie MandelNo matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. Florida Scott-MaxwellNo matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. Dave BarryNot all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Dave BarryNowadays they say you need a special chip to put in the TV so kids can’t watch this and that. In my day, we didn’t need a chip. My mom was the chip. End of story. Ray CharlesOnce when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He answered, “I don’t know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.” Rodney DangerfieldOne good thing about living in America is that there is no neurosis too insignificant to merit its own paperback. Deborah SolomonOne of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like since you’ve become harmless. Liz SmithPeople say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David LettermanPolite conversation is rarely either. Fran LebowitzRaising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. Ed AsnerResponsible – who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, “Who’s responsible for this?” Jerry SeinfeldRetirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. Jonathan ClementsSetting a good example for your children does nothing but increase their embarrassment. Doug LarsonSmoking means always having to say you’re sorry. Tom FergusonTelevision remote controls encourage couch potatoes to exercise their options while broadening their base. William Arthur WardThe bulletin board on the lawn of a New Jersey Church reads “We reserve the right to accept everybody.” John KazmarkThe cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. Doug LarsonThe grass may be greener on the other side, but it’s just as hard to cut. Little RichardThe key to success? Work hard, stay focused and marry a Kennedy. Arnold SchwarzeneggerThe key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible. Judith ReganThe last birthday that’s any good is 23. Andy RooneyThe one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. Dave BarryThe only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d druther not. Mark TwainThe problem with people who have no vices is that they’re pretty sure to have some annoying virtues. Elizabeth TaylorThe problem with the gene pool is there’s no lifeguard. Steven WrightThe remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. Calvin TrillinThe secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. Denzel WashingtonThe squeaky wheel may get the most oil, but it’s also the first to be replaced. Marilyn Vos SavantThe true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. Ann LandersThe turkey is living proof that an animal can survive with no intelligence at all. Harvey D. ComstockThere’s an upside to grandparenthood. You play, you give, you love, then you hand them back and go to an early movie. Billy CrystalThere’s no rejection in life quite like a cancelled shrink appointment. Bill SchenkThere’s no such thing as fun for the whole family. Jerry SeinfeldThey say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times. Tim AllenThree words strike fear into the hearts of men: Pop the question. Roxanne HawnTrust in God – but tie your camel tight. Persian Proverb“Vegetarian” I san old Indian word for “doesn’t hunt well.” Paul HarveyWe are in the extreme centre, the radical middle. That is our position. Pierre TrudeauWhat I’ve learned is that life is too short and movies are too long. Denis LearyWhen I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is, “How do I get in on that?” Dave BarryWhen it comes to raising children, I believe in give and take. I give orders and they take ‘em. Bernie MacWhen my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was – prepare to be shocked – we deliberately ingested carbohydrates! Dave BarryWhen people ask if I do my own stunts, I always answer, “Not on purpose.” Billy Bob ThorntonWhen you don’t know what you’re talking about, it’s hard to know when you’re finished. Tommy SmothersWhen you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half minutes of your life. Richard LewisWhy leave the nut you got for one you don’t know? Loretta LynnWithout enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds. JoJo JensonWrinkles only go where the smiles have been. Jimmy BuffetYou can buy anything on eBay. I bought the world’s oldest globe. It’s flat. Buzz NutleyYou can get old pretty young if you don’t take care of yourself. Yogi BerraYou can’t have everything. Where would you put it? Steven WrightYou can’t write poetry on the computer. Quentin TarantinoYou know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the three R’s, only one begins with an R. Dennis MillerYou know why fish are so thin? They eat fish. Jerry SeinfeldYou know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going. P. J. O’RourkeYou’re never allowed to step on people to get ahead, but you can step over them if they’re in your way. Star JonesYou’re not famous until my mother has heard of you. Jay LenoYour majesty, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and Madame Houde thanks you from her bottom too. Camillein HoudeYou’ve got to be original, because if you’re like someone else, what do they need you for? Bernadette Peters

hUMOR For Feb. 21st

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first
time. He was struggling with the language and didn't
understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to
visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but he
eventually got back on track and found the place. Having
arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew
left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick
someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the
man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the
man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped
too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit
stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.

When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper,
he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit
didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to
look just like that man in the front pew. Then he perceived
that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped,
so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so
the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand
and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too.
Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few
people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was
standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door
shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the
missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the
preacher, the preacher said, in English, "I take it you
don't speak Spanish."

The missionary recruit replied, "No, I don't. It's that
obvious?"

"Well, yes," said the preacher. "I announced that the Acosta
family had a newborn baby boy, and would the proud father
please stand up."

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My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine
plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were
caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us.
Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.

As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the
worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"

George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."

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A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed,
tubes coming out of everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a
similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A
couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and
point to himself and say: 'Scottish.'

The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, 'Irish.'

This act tired them out so badly, it was a week before the first summoned up
in strength to say: 'Glasgow.'

Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice 'Dublin.'

Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out.

Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say:
'Jimmy.'

Replied the other. 'Paddy.'

A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out
weakly. 'Cancer.'

Paddy responded. 'Sagittarius.'

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"This boy's making more noise than a couple of skeletons throwing a fit on a
tin roof." - Foghorn Leghorn

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"Dog Meters"
Two dogs out and about, walk over to a parking meter.
One says to the other, "How do you like that, Sam? Pay toilets."
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Oneliner
"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?"
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"Definitions of a Bachelor"
* One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
* One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
* One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
* One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
* One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
* One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
* One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
* One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
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"Cheap Hearing Aid"
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
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"Prince Charles Warning".
YEAR: 19811. Prince Charles got married.2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.4. Pope died.
YEAR: 20051. Prince Charles got married.2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.4. Pope died.
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope.

hUMOR For Feb. 20th

Put in charge of organizing my friend's baby shower, I
decided to send out invitations via email. To let my husband
know that he had baby-sitting duty that day, I entered his
name on the "copy to" line.

Within minutes of sending the messages, I received an email
back from my husband. He wrote, "Imagine my disappointment
when I realized that your invitation wasn't sent only to
me." He was referring to the "Subject" line of my message,
which read, "Lunch and a shower."

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Objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

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The DefendantThe judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?""No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."

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The TicketWorking people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a store. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man. How about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for "having worn tires". So I called him a "member of the doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

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Moving DayWhen we agreed to help our sergeant move to a new apartment, we didn't know the elevator wasn't working. So after hours of carrying heavy boxes and furniture up 11 floors, we were wiped out. And when the sergeant asked us to search for his favorite pot, no one moved."I'll give a bottle of Scotch to whoever finds it," he shouted.Within minutes, a private found the pot."Good," said the sarge. "Now look for the Scotch."

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"Work Prayer"
Confiding in a co-worker, I told her about a problem in our office and my fear that I would lose my job. She was concerned and said she would pray for me. I know she keeps a list of the ten people she believes need her prayers the most, so I asked if she had room for me on her list.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Three of the people have died."
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Oneliner
"You can train a cat to do anything it wants to do."
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"Mongrel Pt"
In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No."
After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became... the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog!
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Defibrillators"
Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
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Food, Family, and PhilosophyA young man is about to go on his first date and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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Banking establishmentShown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.Dear Sir:I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my er rant financial ways.I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood >person.My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.Please note that all copies of his or her medical his tory must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even furtherWhen you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH1. To make an appointment to see me2. To query a missing payment.3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client(Remember: Th is was written by an 86 year old woman)'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE "US SENIORS"!!!!!

hUMOR For Feb. 19th

Little Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while
he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said
a prayer.

"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave,
He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Little Johnny. "I
asked Him to help you put up with me."

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As a dental hygienist, I always encourage patients to floss. During one
cleaning, the dentist I work with asked my patient if he was "flossing
religiously."

"Well," the man hedged, "I floss more often than I go to church."

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"Churches don't need new members half so much as they need the old bunch
made over." - Billy Sunday

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The End of the HamA young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan."

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Ghetto Spelling Bee Tyreal came home from school disappointed. "I hate English, dem teachers are always changing stuff". Mother: "Tyreal, have you been using bad words and writing dirty notes again?" Tyreal: "Naw, momma, I sware I didn't. I used all of my spelling words in a sentence like the teacher say, but the teacher, she gave me an "F". 1. HOTEL - My Momma said that she ain' gon tell her friend Shaqueta nothing else, cause that HOTEL everthang she know. 2. HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop the other day and man, I was HONORROLL . 3. PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard. 4. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little. 5. OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you jes said but OMELETTE it go dis time. 6. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into space. 7. MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE . 8. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the! cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away. 9. AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her. 10. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH , I'm out. 11. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET . 12. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, so I got her a DOMINEERING . 13 KENYA - I needed money for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change. 14. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and da antelope play. 15 DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points My coach say DATA boy. 16. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I can get a job?" 17. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart. 18. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst, you'll be thrown out de COATROOM ." 19. DECIDE - My boy fronting' like he love his girl but eribody know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE . 20. FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so big she can't FASCINATE .

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A plane full of folks headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."The passengers were numb with fear, except for one – Sister Schar, a very pious woman. "Now, now, keep calm," she said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except for Schar’s husband, Dan. "Dan, why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked."I don't know how to pray," he replied."Well, just do something religious!" instructed the Sister Schar.With that, Dan got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering to help pay the bets on all the electric football he’d lost to his brother in Ocala.

+++++++++++++++++++

In the Fitting RoomMy girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"

+++++++++++++++++++

DANNY IN CHURCH3-year-old Danny:"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.Amen."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Little Danny was overheard praying:"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~After the baptism of his baby brother in church, Danny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, Danny replied,"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Four-year-old Danny prayed,"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Dim witted little Danny replied,"Because people are sleeping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Danny 8, and Vern 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Danny turned to his younger brother and said, "Vern, you be Jesus!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand."Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A wife invited some people to dinner.At the table, she turned to their six-year-old son, Danny, and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the boy replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. Danny bowed his head and said,"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~And if you don't send this to at least 8 people to pray for the adult brat little
Danny became ----- who cares?! Peace, love and happiness

hUMOR For Feb. 18th

"Magician's Secret".
During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, madam", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then... Just tell my husband!"
+++++++++++++++++++

Let Us KnowThe following advertisement appeared in a physical culture magazine:"Here's a good test for stomach muscles. Clasp your hands over your head and place your feet together on the floor. Now bend to the right at the waist as you sit down to the left of your feet. Now by sheer muscular control, haul yourself up, bend to the left and sit down on the floor to the right of your feet. Keep this up and let us know of the result."The first letter received by the magazine said "HERNIA"

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During a bout of tornadic weather, a local TV newsperson standing by a
roadside at 5:20 p.m. made the statement that the sky was growing very dark,
indicating that this was a sign of tornadoes approaching.

Since it was January, it was also a sign that the sun was going down.

+++++++++++++++++++

Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales
representative went to a psychiatrist. "I'll implant a hypnotic suggestion
in your mind," said the doctor. "Just say 'one-two-three,' and you'll give
the presentation of your life. However, do not say 'one-two-three-four,'
because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool of yourself."

The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous
presentation. He tried it at work, and got a standing ovation. Then came the
big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to
start.

The sales rep whispered under his breath, "One-two-three."

Then the CEO asked, "What did you say 'one-two-three' for?"

+++++++++++++++++++

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso

+++++++++++++++++++
Little Danny came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100% in school today!"

"That's great, my boy," said his daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it."

"Well," began the confession, "I got 50% in spelling, 30% in math, and 20% in reading."

hUMOR For Feb. 17th

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had
just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had
just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen
asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly
scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a
quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already
trained."

+++++++++++++++++++

Courtney Love has announced a new concert tour. It will take her through the
end of 2004. She will appear in 50 different city courts.

+++++++++++++++++++
- "Excerpts from Pet Diaries"
From the Dog.
Day number 1808:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 1818:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 1828:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

From the Cat.
Day 283 Of My Captivity.My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…
+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath." - Richard Zera.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Mustard"
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

hUMOR For Feb. 16th

The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his own stamp.

That shows you how strange life is for racehorses. You win the race, you
wind up on the front of the stamp. Lose a race, you wind up on the back.

+++++++++++++++++++

A Farmers Will

TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he
has in the past.

TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year
anyway.

TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I
never did.

TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.

TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer
dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.

TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense
having good weather now.

TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.

TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now
properly assumed all of his obligations.

+++++++++++++++++++


I've been working here since they threatened to fire me.

+++++++++++++++++++

Three Wise WomenYou do know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise Men, don't you?They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

+++++++++++++++++++

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer
to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve
so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve as
Santa Claus landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very
loud "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his
reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which
one it was. It happened again, only louder this time: "Snort
sniff honk honk snort!"

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa
hissed. "Please be quiet!"

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh
when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT
SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the
neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of
their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer
and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present
until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose
steps forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and I
have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you
a chance to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the
only thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed reindeer...

Received from Cathy Gilstrap.

+++++++++++++++++++
"Movie Seats"
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"Advent, like its cousin Lent, is a season for prayer and reformation of our hearts. Since it comes at winter time, fire is a fitting sign to help us celebrate Advent…If Christ is to come more fully into our lives this Christmas, if God is to become really incarnate for us, then fire will have to be present in our prayer. Our worship and devotion will have to stoke the kind of fire in our souls that can truly change our hearts. Ours is a great responsibility not to waste this Advent time."- Edward Hays, A Pilgrim’s Almanac, p. 187
+++++++++++++++++++

I Heard The Bells" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was filled with sorrow at the tragic death of his wife in a fire in 1861. The Civil War broke out that same year, and it seemed this was an additional punishment. Two years later, Longfellow was again saddened to hear the his own son had been seriously wounded as a lieutenant in the Army of the Potomac.Sitting down to his desk, one Christmas Day, he heard the church bells ringing, and ringing. It was in this setting he wrote:
I heard the bells on Christmas DayTheir old familiar carols playAnd wild and sweet the words repeatOf peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my headThere is no peace on earth I saidFor hate is strong and mocks the songOf peace on earth, good will to men.
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep,God is not dead, nor doth he sleep.The wrong shall fail, the right prevailWith peace on earth, good will to men.
At this Chirstmas time whether you are in sorrow or in joy you can know that God is not dead, not doth he sleep. He knows your every need and longs to comfort you and be that special friend you need. Seek Him this year instead of the outward manifestations of the season. He will give life real meaning and your heart real peace, the peace that passes all understanding.
+++++++++++++++++++

Pet Peeves of Department Store Santa's

1. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not
gin.
2. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
3. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch."
4. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your
hip flask.
5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
6. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
7. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he
got back from "Nam."
8. Two words: lap rash.

+++++++++++++++++++

I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family's lack of
holiday rituals. "My family doesn't have any traditions," she complained.
"We just do the same thing year after year after year."

+++++++++++++++++++

Inspected by # 6. Stepped in # 2.

hUMOR For Feb. 15th

What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine
card?
A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"

What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

What do you call a very small valentine?
A valentiny!

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine's
Day?
"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."

Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because kidneys would look pretty gross!

What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!

What did the bat say to his Valentine?
"You're fun to hang around with."

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"

Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!

What did the elephant say to his Valentine?
"I love you a ton!"

What would you get it you crossed a blonde with the God of
love?
A stupid cupid!

Why did the cannibal break up with his Valentine?
She didn't suit his taste!

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Valentine Love & HissesWhat happens when you fall in love with a professional…
What happens when you fall in love with an artist?You get the brush.What happens when you fall in love with a chauffeur?You get taken for a ride.What happens when you fall in love with a chef?You get buttered up.What happens when you fall in love with a clockmaker?He two-times you.What happens when you fall in love with an elevator?He lets you down.What happens when you fall in love with a jogger?You get the run-around.What happens when you fall in love with a pastry cook?She desserts you.What happens when you fall in love with a shoe salesman?He walks all over you.What happens when you fall in love with a telephone operator?She gives you a phone-e line.What happens when you fall in love with a trash man?He dumps you.What happens when you fall in love with a trench digger?You get ditched.What happens when you fall in love with an underwear salesman?You get the slip.

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Religious One LinersDid you start out as a basket case?
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.Don't let your worries get the best of you - Moses started out as a basket case.Don't put a question mark where God put a period.Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to Church.Forbidden fruits create many jams.God doesn't call the qualified - He qualifies the called. God grades on the cross, not the curve. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts".God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.He who angers you, controls you.I don't know why some people change Churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from? If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats.If the Church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.It's easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.Many Church members who sing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.Peace starts with a smile.People are funny - they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the Church.Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty.Quit griping about your Church - if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.Some minds are like concrete - thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews. The best mathematical equation: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.We don't change the message, the message changes us.We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

hUMOR For Feb. 14th

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking
grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much
impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk
rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again... "What was the matter? What
has been the matter? What might have been the matter..."

+++++++++++++++++++

David Bradley, inventor of the Control-Alt-Delete key sequence that reboots
PCs, is retiring from IBM.

At a 20-year celebration for the IBM PC, Bradley was on a panel with
Microsoft founder Bill Gates and other tech icons. The discussion turned to
the keys.

"I may have invented it, but Bill made it famous," Bradley said.

Gates didn't laugh.

+++++++++++++++++++

"Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation." -
Edward R. Murrow

+++++++++++++++++++

I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the
last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.

I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ...
but could I borrow five hundred dollars?

Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa
today.

Something tells me that you're very special ... but with
medication I can usually ignore it.

I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the
U.S. Department of Justice.

Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.

Wait till my wife hears about this!

I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six
to eight months with good behavior.

+++++++++++++++++++

Weight LossTwo women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all we do is fight anymore. I've been so upset that I've lost twenty pounds.""Why don't you just leave him?" asked the friend."Oh! Not yet," the first replied. "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

hUMOR For Feb. 13th

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it
logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the
address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I
forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed
to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so
that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize
it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

+++++++++++++++++++

Combined Services

Everyone knows that it has been possible to send cable TV signals and
broadband Internet signals together using the same lines. Telephone
communications and DSL have been using the same lines for years but now, for
the first time ever, fresh water and sewage will use the same lines as well.

The town of Traf, Indiana will be the first to take this leap of modern
technology. The mayor of Traf and part time village idiot, George
Gustopholonilovitlh said, "This is a positive step in the right direction.
Using the cost effective force of flushing individual toilets, we will
eliminate expensive pumping stations and water towers."

When asked about the health ramifications of mixing fresh drinking water and
sewage in the same pipes, the mayor stated, "We intend to use only the left
side of the pipes for sewage and the right side for fresh water. People will
just need to be careful and only use the faucet on the right." The mayor
went on the say that area farmers love the idea since they can now water
their fields and fertilize at the same time.

+++++++++++++++++++

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

+++++++++++++++++++

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm andtalked with the old farmer. "I'm going to inspect your farm."The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."The Ag representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority ofthe U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go whereverI wish on agricultural land." So, the old farmer went about his farm chores.Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department ofAgriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was thefarmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets and thebull was gaining! at every step. The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Business ProblemWe were driving the other day and passed a business that was obviously having troubles beyond money. Their outdoor sign in front of the building read:$T0P $T3AL1NG 0UR L3TT3R$!

hUMOR For Feb. 12th

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before
meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church,
so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does you father
say when the family sits down to dinner?"

Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids. It's three dollars a
pound!'"

+++++++++++++++++++

A singing group call "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church.
Everyone was excited about the concert and looked forward to the event. We
were disappointed when a big snowstorm postponed the group's performance. To
let everyone know about the cancellation, the pastor changed the sign
outside to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

+++++++++++++++++++

The difference between God and a fighter pilot is that God doesn't think
He's a fighter pilot.

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Tool Definitions for DummiesGuide for getting the most out of your work tools...
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty or stubborn bolts or nuts which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nut studs.BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 24" SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.DRILL PRESS: A tall upright drilling machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly stained heirloom piece you were drying.EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make fuel, vacuum, heater, hoses too short.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes without the brake drum and tire, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.MASKING TAPE: Useful for securing the Band-Aid on your index finger so you can finish the job without worrying about the Band-Aid coming off.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for setting the grease on fire inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by most women.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.SMALL THREAD CUTTING TAPS: A tool for making new threaded bolt holes that is just as hard as any known drill bit that snaps off neatly thereby turning a good day into abad one.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.TROUBLE LIGHT (with a bulb, not the fluorescent kind): Sometimes called a drop light, it's the home mechanic's own miniature "sunburn tool." Its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters, metal cuttings and wire wheel wires from your hands and fingers.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of the motor mounts you forgot to disconnect.VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint, dirt and rust off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers.

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AngelsChildren's views on Angels...
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonia (9)Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows. Jack (6)Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara (6)Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared (8)Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel (9)Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell (7)Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. Olive (9)I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory (5)It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew (9)My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn (9)My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry (8)Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki (8)What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah (7)When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Regan (10)

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NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at San Francisco International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.' 'When asked to comment on the arrest, Speaker of the House Pelosi said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Congressional staffers told reporters they could not recall a more profound statement ever made by the Speaker.