hUMOR For Jan. 31st

Vern was cat-sitting my granddaughter's indoor
feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the
following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch
about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down,
he called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When
he persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come
down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" he asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

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The poor Beartown Pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with a $225.00 reciept for a new dress she had just purchased. "What made you do this?" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Wow, you look great in that dress. You should buy it!'"
"Well," the Pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied the wife, "But then he said 'It looks great from back here, too!'"
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The Wisdom of ChildrenWhen your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer.Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.Stay away from prunes.Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.

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I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain
things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this "slippage", I
went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.

After an hour I slipped out, I took the same course, given by the same
professor, last year.

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A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers' convention.

When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting,
"Okay everyone, say fees!"

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"President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to
read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, youcan let Bush know by writing to your sister." - Conan O'Brien

hUMOR For Jan 30th

You know this sort of user: the kind who blames IT for
everything. "If I walk past her desk and so much as glance
in her direction, anything that happens on her PC, lost file
or otherwise, must be my fault," says the network
administrator.

So he dreads the voice mail message he gets from her one
day: "There's something wrong with my fax software. It
hasn't worked in months. You must have done something to
it."

He hasn't done any support on this user's PC in months and
hasn't touched the fax software since he installed it four
years before. And he really doesn't want to go anywhere near
the PC because he knows that, for months to come, everything
will be his fault.

Hoping to dodge that headache, he emails the user. "Is the
phone cable plugged into your computer and your phone?" he
asks in the email.

The response comes by voice mail: "Well, that was pretty
smart of you. The cable wasn't plugged into my phone. Thanks
for your help -- you must have unplugged it the last time
you were here!"

+++++++++++++++++++
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'" ----------------------------------------- An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?""Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." -------------------------------- ------- -- Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. ------------------------------------------ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. ------------------------------------------ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. -------------------------------------------- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. --------------------------------------------- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ---------------------------------------------- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. ---------------------------------------------- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ---------------------------------------------- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. ----------------------------------------------- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. ------------------------------------------- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _________________________ Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to thesecond guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for mywife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where Iwas going."The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's acoincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can'tfind her and I'm getting a little desperate."The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help youfind her. What does she look l ike?"The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old! ,tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does you wife look like?"To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,--- let's look for yours." ********* Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
+++++++++++++++++++

"I guess Britney and Kevin Federline have agreed to a temporary child
custody arrangement. Turns out Britney's nanny gets the kids during the
week, and Kevin's ex-girlfriend gets them on the weekends." - Jay Leno

+++++++++++++++++++
"Washing Settings"
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
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Oneliner
"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead."
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CleanPun - "Watched Clock"
A watched clock never boils.

hUMOR For Jan. 29th

Carol is the mother of four. Her "almost-perfect" husband's travel schedule
didn't include getting back by Sunday so she washed, dressed and drove the
children to church by herself. The organ cranked up one of her favorite
hymns, and she released her weariness in song.

After the hymn was finished, she sat down, feeling refreshed. Then she
noticed her oldest son's puzzled look. In a loud whisper he turned to Carol
and asked, "Hey, Mom, what's so great about Art?"

+++++++++++++++++++

A Preacher was doing his "Children's Church" sermon where all the youngsters
come down front and hear a story. The pastor was discussing the story of
Jonah. He quoted the scriptures from Jonah, "...and the Lord spoke to
the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land."

When the Pastor finished the scripture quotation, he started trying to
solicit input from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon. He
asked thoughtfully, "What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land
indicate to us today.

One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire
congregation to hear, "It proves, even a fish can't stomach a bad preacher!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Why is it that children aren't allowed to read the Bible in school, but are
encouraged to in prison?

+++++++++++++++++++
An Alaska Moose Story . . . . and a Good Start for Christmas! (Photos attached)
When this little guy was little; he lost his mother too soon. So theAlaska Department of Fish and Game brought him to Wendall and Debbie. Theyasked them to get the little moose raised to a safe age to turn him looseagain. They took care of him and bottle fed and after a while they fed him withtheir cows. So last spring he was a year old and it was time to turn him back into
the wild. They opened the gate and off he went. He stayed gone all summer; then
this fall he was back with the cows! He really thinks he is a cow! For now all were
happy to see him . . . he is a pretty friendly fella!
He loves honey buns and will eat them right out of your mouth! Wendall and
Debbie live up in the mountains and so it came time to bring their cows down.
Well . . the moose was lonely all by himself so he headed down to find another
herd of cows to hang with. The neighbors called about a week later and asked Wendall to please come
and get his Moose. Wendall headed out with a honey bun, bucket of grain and
the horse trailer and brought the moose back home. The moose is free to go anytime he wants but is choosing to stay put for
now. Surely, come spring he will start to feel a bit like a boy Moose and take off,
but, for now he seems happy!
Merry Christmas from Alaska
+++++++++++++++++++

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer
to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve
so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve as
Santa Claus landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very
loud "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his
reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which
one it was. It happened again, only louder this time: "Snort
sniff honk honk snort!"

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa
hissed. "Please be quiet!"

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh
when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT
SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the
neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of
their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer
and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present
until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose
steps forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and I
have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you
a chance to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the
only thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed reindeer...

+++++++++++++++++++

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED,
FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT
Let's see if I understand
how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my old, wrinkled rear is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates...Okay?

hUMOR For Jan. 28th

Open HouseA few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him."Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have monsters in our sewer."

+++++++++++++++++++

A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked during the office
renovation and, as a result, a sharp spur stuck out from the side. The site
supervisor came over with a worker, pointed to the pole, and said, "That's
really sharp and could hurt someone. I want it filed down."

The worker reached out, touched it, and said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor
yelled "Don't touch it!"

When the worker looked at the blood welling up, the supervisor said, "Wow,
that *is* sharp!" and reached out and touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his
finger in his mouth, and walked away with the worker.

Five minutes later, the worker came back with an underling. "That's what
needs to be filed down," he said. "It's really sharp." The underling reached
out and touched it. "Ow!" he yelped and yanked his finger away.

Fortunately he filed it down right there and then before anyone else could
verify how sharp it was.

+++++++++++++++++++

A courier came into our office with a bemused look on his face. He had been
looking for building address number 70, and in his words, "The street
numbers jumped from 69 (next door) to 71 (our building)."

I suggested, in my most sincere voice, that he might try across the road.

+++++++++++++++++++

Three Wise WomenYou do know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise Men, don't you?They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

+++++++++++++++++++

I don't know that it's true but it sure is funny,
THE TRUE ART OF SPIN...Judy, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton at NY.Gov for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters cropped Remus' picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Movie Seats"
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
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CleanQuote
"Advent, like its cousin Lent, is a season for prayer and reformation of our hearts. Since it comes at winter time, fire is a fitting sign to help us celebrate Advent…If Christ is to come more fully into our lives this Christmas, if God is to become really incarnate for us, then fire will have to be present in our prayer. Our worship and devotion will have to stoke the kind of fire in our souls that can truly change our hearts. Ours is a great responsibility not to waste this Advent time."- Edward Hays, A Pilgrim’s Almanac, p. 187
+++++++++++++++++++

Pet Peeves of Department Store Santa's

1. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not
gin.
2. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
3. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch."
4. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your
hip flask.
5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
6. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
7. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he
got back from "Nam."
8. Two words: lap rash.

+++++++++++++++++++

I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family's lack of
holiday rituals. "My family doesn't have any traditions," she complained.
"We just do the same thing year after year after year."

+++++++++++++++++++

Inspected by # 6. Stepped in # 2.

hUMOR For Jan. 27th

One night a wife found her husband standing over their
baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking
down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture
of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement,
enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it
aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her
husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody
can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

+++++++++++++++++++

Community NewspaperThe town of Glenelg, Maryland is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community newspaper. I asked one old-timer about it.He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."

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For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common
birthday. - Senator John Glenn

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2006 Idiot Report!!!!!

The Idiot Report........ Number One Idiot of 2006 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Two Idiot of 2006 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Three Idiot of 2006 A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Four Idiot of 2006 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy........ but you still get a sign ____________________________________________________________________ Number Five Idiot of 2006 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Six of 2006 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't even deserve a sign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Seven of 20056 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, Here's your sign (Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote) IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. (probably Weyauwega, Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." >From Kingman , KS . ______________________________________________________ IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City ! ______________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala. _______________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS ___________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING : At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. ________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less. ____________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !

hUMOR For Jan. 26th

Parental RulesA priest at a parochial school wanted to point out the proper behavior for church. He was trying to elicit from the youngsters, rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant."Don't play with your food," one second grader cited."Don't be loud," said another, and so on..."And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

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Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball
fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl
discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over
every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a
year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to
come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after
watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died
happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound
of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it's me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is
there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in
heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad
news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

+++++++++++++++++++

My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when
she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said
they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while.

After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep
timer set for 90 minutes.

+++++++++++++++++++

I work for a bank. I applied for a home loan from my employer and have been
waiting for approval for over five weeks.

I found out today that it has taken this long because my loan officer was
unable to get verification of my employment.

+++++++++++++++++++

"There are still places where people think that the function of the media is
to provide information." - Don Rottenberg

+++++++++++++++++++
"Cherokee Language"
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost."- Charles Caleb Colton
+++++++++++++++++++
"The Devil's Beattitudes" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:
1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians - they save me the effort of trying to keep them from God's blessings.
2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked - its pretty easy to keep them from working for God.
3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church - they are my missionaries.
4. Blessed are the trouble makers - they shall be called my children.
5. Blessed are the complainers - I'm all ears for them.
6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes - for they get nothing out of his sermons.
7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church - for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.
8. Blessed are those who gossip - for they shall cause strife and division - that pleases me.
9. Blessed are those who are easily offended - for they will soon get angry and quit.
10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work - for they are my helpers.
11. Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister - for they shall be with me forever.

hUMOR For Jan. 25th

Sensitive UserIt's upgrade time for this particularly sensitive user, and the technician assigned to work with her knows the drill. "This user was known to start crying when faced with changes in her work environment," says the tech. "We were upgrading the software she used and giving everyone in her department bigger monitors, and I wanted to take extra care that she understood the changes and was dealing with them OK."So when she calls the technician because she's having a problem, he's ready to listen patiently. But he's not prepared for what he hears. "It's going pretty well, I guess," user tells him. "But it's kind of hard to read the type in this new program."Tech examines the smallest type on the new screens. It all looks razor-sharp to him, and easier to read than in the old software on the old monitors. "Which part of the screen are you having trouble with?" he asks.To his surprise, she launches the Windows Notepad and starts typing. The font is set to a large size, but she says, "This stuff here looks really blurry.""Hmm," says the tech. "It seems like you might be due for a new prescription for your glasses. When's the last time you were checked?""I just got new glasses a few days ago," she says."Do the notes posted next to your computer also looked blurry?" he asks.After a moment of looking at them, she replies, "Yeah, I guess so. I didn't realize that. Maybe you're right."When the tech tells the story to his boss, the boss's response is an astonished "She's been walking into walls for a week and she waits until today to blame it on our new software?"

+++++++++++++++++++
"Cross Country Move"
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
"If truth is beauty, how come no one gets their hair done in the library?"- Lily Tomlin
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Inheritance"
The geek shall inherit the earth.
+++++++++++++++++++
A young man wants to get his beautiful blonde wife something
nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decides to
buy her a cell phone. She is all excited--she loves her
phone. He shows it to her and explains all the features on
the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and
it's her husband.

"Hi hun," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies, "I just love it; it's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand
though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Walmart?"

+++++++++++++++++++
Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.
I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"
Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
+++++++++++++++++++

The Bathtub Test It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.Do you want a bed near the window?"DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

+++++++++++++++++++
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
(You Got to Love it!)

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}

18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.

hUMOR For Jan. 24th

"I'm Not Sure"
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"Visa is everywhere you want to be except out of debt."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dead Cat" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.
Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
+++++++++++++++++++

My resume brags that I am a "regular contributor to Time
Magazine," which is true: I regularly contribute about 30
bucks a year to their subscription department.

I've also written for the magazine a few times, and am
perhaps best known for an unfortunate column I wrote
concerning thank-you notes. In it, I described the
disappointment I felt when I purchased a gift for a nephew
of mine and didn't receive an acknowledgement of any kind; I
then went on to sternly lecture parents on the proper
etiquette for responding to presents. To make the essay
applicable for people who did not have the same nephew, I
identified him merely as "a boy I know."

I should have remembered that parents are grateful for
uncompromising advice on childrearing so long as it doesn't
have to do with their own kid.

"Hey," an angry father accosted me on the telephone, "I
don't appreciate you writing this thing about my son!"

"Do I know you?" I replied.

"All I got to say is, I'm glad you didn't send a gift,
because if you had, we never would have sent you a thank-you
note because you wrote this article about it," he fumed.

"Can you give me a moment to sort of think through that last
sentence?" I pleaded.

"My son's crying, no thanks to you, Mr. Thank You Jerk!"

I also heard from my nephew's father: "Maybe you would get a
thank-you note if you sent him something besides a sock
puppet," he fumed.

"It's the thought that counts," I answered in a patient,
"I'm the Expert in Time Magazine So Shut Up" tone.

"What thought? Every year for nineteen years you draw a face
on one of your old socks and send it to him and he's
supposed to be grateful?" he demanded.

"I'm shocked you think I'm using an old sock. Most of them I
hardly wore," I objected.

But the worst reaction came from relatives who read my Time
column and concluded it meant that I personally would start
sending thank-you notes.

"Did you get my gift?" my sister wanted to know. "It should
have been there by now."

"Yes, thanks."

"Because I haven't gotten a note from you yet. I'm really
concerned."

"Didn't we talk about this yesterday?" I asked.

"Yes, but there's still no note," she advised. "I know what
a stickler you are on the topic."

"Well, I got the gift."

"Okay, I'll call you tomorrow if your note isn't here yet!"
she promised, ringing off.

Faced with the threat of talking to my family every day, I
grimly sat down and wrote notes acknowledging all the
presents I had received. "Dear Mom," I wrote, "Thank you for
the sweater and for the socks. You can stop sending socks
because I'm running out of things to do with them. Love,
Bruce."

My mother, thrilled to support me in my quest to make
America more polite, wrote back promptly. "Dear Son, thank
you for the thank-you note. Glad you liked the sweater.
Love, Mom."

Well, now what? Do you have to thank someone for a thank-you
note? Well, if I didn't, she'd be calling me wanting to know
where her acknowledgement was. I wrote, "Mom, thanks for the
response. No need to write back. Bruce."

"Dear Son," she responded promptly, "thanks for your note
telling me I didn't need to write back. Love, Mom."

"Dear Mom, okay stop. Thanks, Bruce."

"Dear Bruce, got your note, thanks very much. Love, Mom."

"Dear Mom, while I appreciate getting your last note, I
truly think you've thanked me enough. So thanks, and let
this be the last time we mention the matter."

"Dear Bruce, thank you so much for your graciousness in your
last note," she gushed back.

"Dear Mom, I am sending back the sweater and the socks.
Sorry that one of the socks has a face drawn on it."

"Dear Bruce, thank you for sending back the sweater and the
socks."

"Dear Time Magazine: A few years ago I wrote an article
about how people should always write thank-you notes. Please
print a retraction of that article."

Dear Mr. Cameron: Thank you very much for writing Time
Magazine....."

+++++++++++++++++++

After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing
an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered
that the building had been built with no fire exit!

If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through
the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my
report to the manager before it got sent to head office.

In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about
smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by
returning your approval."

+++++++++++++++++++

One day at lunch at my high school, one of my friends selected a piece of
pizza and went to pay for it. Apparently, however, it costs more to get a
piece of pizza than it does to get a "meal," which would be a piece of pizza
and a vegetable.

The cafeteria lady insisted that he had to get a vegetable if he wanted to
pay less. My friend pointed out that there were no vegetables left in the
line at this point, so he couldn't get any. The cafeteria lady proceeded to
make him wait while she went to find some corn, despite his insistence that
he wouldn't eat the corn anyway. After waiting about ten minutes, he got the
corn, paid for his lunch, ate the pizza and threw the corn away.

+++++++++++++++++++

Teamwork means not having to shoulder all the blame yourself.
+++++++++++++++++++

Rearrange Letters

This is clever. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble
DORMITORY:When you rearrange the letters:DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER

DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:! When you rearrange the letters:THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:When you rearrange the letters:HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:When you rearrange the letters:HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters:CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:When you rearrange the letters:ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:When you rearrange the letters:IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:When you rearrange the letters:THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:MOTHER-IN-LAW:When you rearrange the letters:WOMAN HITLERYep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaaytoo much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

hUMOR For Jan. 23rd

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting
older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of
mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't
remember whether I need to put it away or start making a
sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on
the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was
on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that
problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the
table. Then she told them, "That must be the door; I'll get
it!"

+++++++++++++++++++

"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of
kittens." - Abraham Lincoln

+++++++++++++++++++
"Biggest Lie"
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
+++++++++++++++++++

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over
their eyes?

Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on
the job?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a
ham-hock?

If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep
use to make sweaters?

If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you
make with it?

If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would
it be 'Yea when humans fly'?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

Why can't pigs look up into the sky?

Why do pigs have curly tails?

Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from
Guinea nor are they pigs?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?

Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a
pig is to cure it?

Would a small pig be called a hamlet?

+++++++++++++++++++
"Naturally Born"
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States.
After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand.
"Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"
+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
"Responsibility: Something you should accept if, and only if, they have irrefutable photographic evidence."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Heroes"
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
+++++++++++++++++++

While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the
students asked me how to spell the word "piranha." I told him I was unsure.
To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.

That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up?
She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."

+++++++++++++++++++
"Golf Survey"
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"The mystery of the humanity of Christ, that He sunk Himself into our flesh, is beyond all human understanding."- Martin Luther, Table Talk
+++++++++++++++++++
"Our Greatest Need"
If our greatest need had been information, God would have sent us an educator; If our greatest need had been technology, God would have sent us a scientist; If our greatest need had been money, God would have sent us an economist; If our greatest need had been pleasure, God would have sent us an entertainer; But our greatest need was forgiveness, so God sent us a Savior.
Source Unknown.

hUMOR For Jan 22nd

Little Vernie's mother knew that her son had been telling a lot of lies as of
late. So she had made arrangements for Little Vernie to go over to talk to
their priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were
compulsive liars.

So Little Vernie's mother asks him if he would go over to the parsonage and
help the priest with some chores. Little Vernie, being a very helpful kid,
went over. Upon answering the door the priest asks Little Vernie if he was at
church Sunday and, of course, he lied and said yes.

"Well," said the priest, "I guess you saw what happened at church Sunday?"

"Yes," said Little Verniue, again lying.

"I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come through the front door and up
the aisle grabbing people from their seats and eating them up, every last
one of them!" said the priest.

"Yea," said Little Vernie.

"Well I guess you saw that little beagle dog come in right behind him," said
the priest, "They stared each other down, and then they met right in the
middle of the church, biting, scratching, and finally that little beagle
killed that big-o-grizzly bear."

The priest looked Little Vernie straight in the eye and asked "Little Vernie,
do you honest to goodness believe that story?"

Little Vernie said without a quiver "I sure do preacher. That was my dog.

+++++++++++++++++++

A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm
threatened. As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy
waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Prayer is asking for rain. Faith is carrying the umbrella.

+++++++++++++++++++

My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.

Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"

+++++++++++++++++++
Driver's License
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh? " "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play."My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce.""Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."

+++++++++++++++++++

Stinky AdviceI was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement."Leave a trail of bread crumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it."An hour later the woman called back, even more upset. "Now I have TWO skunks in my basement!"

+++++++++++++++++++

NEW WORDS FOR 2007 :

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard 4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer------ 14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. 17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

hUMOR For Jan. 21st

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife
to drove his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few
blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed,
"Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."

+++++++++++++++++++

On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait
to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms,
into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the
last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.

When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you
drive. I didn't know where I was going."

+++++++++++++++++++

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

+++++++++++++++++++

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with little Danny’s class of five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat little Danny-boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

+++++++++++++++++++
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfwaythrough she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart what doyou think I should do?"He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

+++++++++++++++++++

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS."I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."

+++++++++++++++++++
"Watermelon Mistake"
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious, a beneficent restorer of exhausted power. It is the best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits."-Baron Justus von Liebig (1803-1873) German chemist
+++++++++++++++++++
"Security" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend who lives in NYC has six locks on his door; all in a row. When he goes out, he only locks every other one.
That way, no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking three.

hUMOR For Jan. 20th

Latest terms to add to your vocabulary at the office:

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed and who was
responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of
noise, messes up everything, and then leaves.

Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce
the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to
describe ill-advised activity, e.g., trashing your boss
while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Costco or
Kmart because of how much money one might spend. Electronics
geeks experience Shackophobia, Tandyagonia, or Circuit
Cityatosis.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning
just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the
Adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or
irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the
geek-in-a-cubicle comic strip character. "I've been
dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected
of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document
could not be located. "Don't bother asking him -- he's 404,
man."

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are
exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food
joints, strip malls, or housing development subdivisions.
Used as in "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what
city we were in."

GOOD ("Get-Out-Of-Debt") Job - A well-paying job people will
take to pay off their debts, which they will quit as soon as
they are solvent again.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud
found on computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the
daylights out of an electronic device to get it to work
again.

Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and all
the co-workers' heads pop up over the walls to see what's
going on.

Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that
has seven digits.

Umfriend - A relationship of dubious standing or a concealed
intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale,
my...um...friend."

Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of
ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill
after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are
yuppie food stamps."

+++++++++++++++++++

Dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they
can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.

+++++++++++++++++++

High School ReunionWhat splitting up with an old girlfriend can lead to...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asks, “Do you know her?”“Yes,” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”“My God!” says my wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

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Redneck Anniversary GiftBubba's thoughtful gift with lots of diamonds...
Bubba was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Jethro outside the jewelers. Jethro noticed that Bubba had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. “So what've you just purchased, Bubba?” Jethro asks. “Well, now that you've been askin',” replies Bubba, “it's me and Betty Lou's anniversary tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for our special day she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'”“So what'd you get her?” Jethro asks. Bubba replied, smiling, “I bought her a deck of cards.”

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"Happy Birthday"
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
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Oneliner
"When you're over 50 you can still do all the things you did when you were 17 if you don't mind making an idiot of yourself."
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"Hypochondriacs"
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick."
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Latest terms to add to your vocabulary at the office:

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed and who was
responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of
noise, messes up everything, and then leaves.

Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce
the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to
describe ill-advised activity, e.g., trashing your boss
while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Costco or
Kmart because of how much money one might spend. Electronics
geeks experience Shackophobia, Tandyagonia, or Circuit
Cityatosis.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning
just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the
Adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or
irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the
geek-in-a-cubicle comic strip character. "I've been
dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected
of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document
could not be located. "Don't bother asking him -- he's 404,
man."

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are
exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food
joints, strip malls, or housing development subdivisions.
Used as in "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what
city we were in."

GOOD ("Get-Out-Of-Debt") Job - A well-paying job people will
take to pay off their debts, which they will quit as soon as
they are solvent again.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud
found on computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the
daylights out of an electronic device to get it to work
again.

Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and all
the co-workers' heads pop up over the walls to see what's
going on.

Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that
has seven digits.

Umfriend - A relationship of dubious standing or a concealed
intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale,
my...um...friend."

Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of
ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill
after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are
yuppie food stamps."

hUMOR For Jan. 19th

As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store, I noticed a car withits headlights on. I jotted down the make, color and license number.Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk, and when it wasmy turn, I told the clerk that there was a green Ford in the parking lotthat had its lights on and gave her the license number."Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer.The gentleman next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going toannounce it?""There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That's my car."

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A Dangling Participle Alert:The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighingabout 150 pounds.The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proudthat she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that wastrying to force feed it in his ear.We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cowsplaying Scrabble and reading.Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephantsarmed only with spears.<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>Here\'s good answering machine message: "Hi this is Steve. I\'m not home rightnow but you should check out Absolute Robeo and The Lame Humor List today."What do you think? Good idea huh? No? Perhaps you should just tell people inperson. Go ahead. Give it a try.Robeo<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>--To subscribe to The Lame Humor List, please visit Absolute Robeo,http://AbsoluteRobeo.com?ahsub and submit your email address.The The Lame Humor List is a double opt-in list and is never sent unsolicited. Thatmeans that the only way to get on this list is to subscribe and then confirm",1]
);
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Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proudthat she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that wastrying to force feed it in his ear.We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cowsplaying Scrabble and reading.Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephantsarmed only with spears.

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Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

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"Anesthesiologist Bill"
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.
She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"The interest span of a child is possibly thirty seconds. Higher if throwing food or annoying a small animal is involved."- Erma Bombeck
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"Taxes" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Tax his cow, tax his goat; Tax his pants, tax his coat. Tax his crop, tax his work; Tax his ties, tax his shirt. Tax his chew, tax his smoke; Teach him taxing is no joke. Tax his tractor, tax his mule; Tell him, "Taxing is the rule." Tax his oil, tax his gas; Tax his notes, tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, tax him more; Tax him 'til he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, tax his grave, Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid. Put these words upon his tomb: "Taxes drove him to his doom." After he's gone, we won't relax; We'll still collect inheritance tax.
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Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean"This should be taken care of right away."- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."Well, what do we have here...?"- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue."Let me check your medical history."- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you."Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.- or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit."We have some good news and some bad news."- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it."Let's see how it develops."- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."Let me schedule you for some tests."- I have a forty percent interest in the lab."I'd like to have my associate look at you."- He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle."I'd like to prescribe a new drug."- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."That's quite a nasty looking wound."- I think I'm going to throw up."This may smart a little."- Last week two patients bit off their tongues."Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?"This should fix you up."- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff."Everything seems to be normal."- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."I'd like to run some more tests."- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."There is a lot of that going around."- That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next week.

hUMOR For Jan. 18th

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Cow

1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no
calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It's better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder
relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Always let them know who's the bossy.

11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion
statement.

13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

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AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB . At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE.! France!! ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.....

Y'all gotta Keep this one circulating, please.!

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Timberrr!!!!!While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis."What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment."He fell out of a tree," I reported.The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree."I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"

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How old is Grandpa???Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:' television' penicillin' polio shots' frozen foods' Xerox' contact lenses ' Frisbees and' the pill There were no:' credit cards' laser beams or' ball-point pens Man had not invented:' pantyhose' air conditioners' dishwashers' clothes dryers' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and<>' man hadn't yet walked on the moonYour Grandmother and I got married first, . And then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilegeWe thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening br! eeze st arted. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . But who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my ! day :' "grass" was mowed,' "coke" was a cold drink,' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ' " chip" meant a piece of wood,' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?I bet you have this old man in mind... You are in for a shock!Pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. This man would be only 59 years old!
+++++++++++++++++++

Frank and Bubba were driving home from the bar when Frank noticed blue lights flashing in his rearview mirror.Bubba got scared stiff and started freaking out because of the beers they had in their laps.Frank told Bubba just to be quiet, do what he does, and let him do the talking.Frank then ripped the label off his beer, licked the back of it and slapped it onto his forehead. Bubba went right along and done the same. The officer walked up to the truck and asked, "Have you had anything to drink tonight?". Frank replied, "No sir. Not a drop." The officer looked confused and said, "You sure?" "Yep", said Frank. The officer in a mad voice said, "Then what's that on yall's forehead?" Frank said calmly, "We're alcoholics and our doctor said it would be best if we were on the patch."

hUMOR For Jan. 17th

Side Effects of a Life in Comedy

* Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo Meets Teller" routine
is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.

* Your social status is one small notch above mimes and
rodeo clowns.

* People are always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"

* Wisenheimer's Syndrome.

* You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter
resentment toward people who have enough money for food.

* Instead of crow's feet, you get punchlines.

* You have to start the day with a couple of quick
knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."

* The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind
them up.

* Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a
couple of decades.

* You live in constant fear that your friends will discover
your inflatable Ernie Kovacs doll.

Everything tastes funny.

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Golf SurveyMy job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods."There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

+++++++++++++++++++

"I'd like the number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the young man said
to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the
operator said. "Do you
have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said, "Well, most people just call me
Tyrone."

+++++++++++++++++++

One day when my granddaughter, Christina, was about 4-years old she was
sitting on the floor playing when she noticed a spider on the wall next to
her.

Without any hesitation, she reached up and hit the spider, leaving its
remains on the wall.

She looked up at her mother and said, "Look, Mommy! I made a picture!"

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"Chemistry Stir"
This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.
Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.
She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.
'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.
+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"A healthy adult male consumes each year one and one-half times his weight in other people's patience."- John Updike
+++++++++++++++++++
"Guilt" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."

hUMOR For Jan. 16th

If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline.
You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting
experience. There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and
22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft. Everyone is
responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering
and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your
flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this
Lutheran Air 599.

Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will
Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin
pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that
nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those
back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of
turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of
at 2000 feet. Sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while
you get used to it.

In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we
forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against
us," which isn't right, but what can you do?

The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they
may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat of the
pants all the way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and
if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the
side of your head.

We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the
coffee pot up front. Then we'll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you when you go or I am going
to be real upset and I am not kidding!

Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these
gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or
pretty close. Amen."

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"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch
and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right
now.'" - Kathleen Madigan

+++++++++++++++++++
"Unique Breakfast"
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"
"Just bring me a hard boiled egg," the man replied.
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Bar TimeAn angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him."What'll you have?" he asked."Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out."Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!""Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

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There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"

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"Coffee Vending Machine"
A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.
"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"
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Oneliner
"I had amnesia once -- or twice."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cross-eyed Teacher"
A cross-eyed teacher in Surrey has been sacked.
He couldn't control his pupils.
+++++++++++++++++++
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One
afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the
first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in
the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the
horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse
came in first!

Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again
he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure.
Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the
blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two
lengths, and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!

The priest continued the same procedure through the next few
races, and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000,
so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank
and withdrew his life's savings, $20,000.

The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie
followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he
blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his
whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.

Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the
stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the
horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!

Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that
he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they
all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet
his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the
last horse that you blessed? Why didn't it win like the
others?"

"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the
priest. "You can never tell the difference between a
blessing and the last rites."

hUMOR For Jan. 14th

"Dollar Math"
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."
Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."
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CleanQuote
"Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get."- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prayer" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two bestsellers the person in front of me was prepared to purchase:
"Conversations With God" and "How to Argue and Win Everytime."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been
drinking heavily like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."

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Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer
from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that
semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.

"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the
kitchen."

After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the potatoes
first?"

To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"

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I want my children to have all the things I never could afford. Then I want
to move in with them.

+++++++++++++++++++
Men @ MathWhy men are taught math in school...Traffic 101 - separating the men from the boys!
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.That's 96 miles each day.Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an eight lane highway.There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars.That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.Statistically, females drive half of these.That's 18,000 women drivers!In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That's 642.According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.That's 449.According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.That's 98.And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.That's 33.According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.Flip one off? I think not…

hUMOR For Jan. 13th

You're, um, WelcomeYou know this sort of user: the kind who blames IT for everything. "If I walk past her desk and so much as glance in her direction, anything that happens on her PC, lost file or otherwise, must be my fault," says the network administrator.So he dreads the call he gets from her one day: "There's something wrong with my fax software. It hasn't worked in months. You must have done something to it."He hasn't done any support on this user's PC in months and hasn't touched the fax software since he installed it four years ago. And he really doesn't want to go anywhere near the PC because he knows that, for months to come, everything will be his fault.Hoping to dodge that headache, he emails the user. "Is the phone cable plugged into your computer and your phone?" he asks in the email.The response comes by voice mail: "Well, that was pretty smart of you. The cable wasn't plugged in my phone. Thanks for your help -- you must have unplugged it the last time you were here!"
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"Laws of Parenthood"
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
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Oneliner
"Only one shopping day left until tomorrow."
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CleanPun - "Amoeba Line" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Have you heard the latest amoeba pick up line?
Well, those little cells just sidle right up to another and they say,
"Hey, baby, after they made you they threw away the mold."
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G.P.A."
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.
"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."
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"A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no
actual children." - Dave Barry

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Time to lie on the beach. Yeah, I never tell the truth
anywhere.

When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I
usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."

I'm a pretty patient person. Just as long as I'm not kept
waiting for anything.

I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I
cook.

Remember the "Twilight Zone" episode where a man went all
day without saying anything stupid? That'll never happen in
real life.

It's National Chili Week! Which makes next week National
Stay Indoors Week.

I learned something important about burning leaves. Wait
until they fall off the trees.

With each passing week, the days are getting a little bit
shorter. Kind of like me.

Here's a spooky Halloween mystery: How do they fit so many
calories into those mini candy bars?

Sadie Hawkins Day is when women hit on men. If noogies
count, I hit on 'em every day.

I'm thinking of renewing my vow ... to never get married
again.

Breaking up is hard to do. Unless you're mad and there's a
vase nearby.

The best thing about late November is watching people who
make homemade Christmas gifts start to really panic.

I could be a member of the "Polar Bear Club." Yeah, I stand
in freezing cold water whenever someone flushes the toilet
while I'm in the shower.

I enjoy battling mall crowds for the hot new Christmas toys.
Oh, I don't buy the toy -- I just like battling.

Ever notice how the guy with the light-up Christmas tie
always leaves the party alone?

I found a surprise or two under the tree -- the dog hates
going outside in the snow.

I've got Christmas fever. That's what I get for skipping my
flu shot.

My personal goal for this year is to get in the way of other
people's goals.

I wish those long-distance phone companies would offer a
special low rate on those calls to relatives that rattle on
and on about nothing.

Now that the holidays are over, there are a lot of bargains
out there -- in the form of slightly used gifts I've
returned.

I cut my heating costs by 30 percent. Just let my legs go
numb below the knee.

January is designated as National Diet Month -- mainly
because December is National Eat-Like-a-Pig Month.

I'm getting cabin fever. Mainly from drinking syrup straight
from the bottle.

Thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured,
why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip
to the mountains.

It's National Hot Tea Month! Throw a tea drinker into a
harbor to celebrate.

The handy thing about credit cards is that they're a great
way to pay off your credit cards.

Got the all-animal channel and the all-history channel, but
I'm still waiting for the all-whining channel.

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There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"

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Cup holder is not working in my computer (G)Joke Submitted By: Emperor Soul
A computer manufacture called some of their clients to askabout how much they are satisfied with their computer. Company: Hi, I'm calling from U Computer, you have recentlypurchased a computer from us. Client: Oh Yeah. Company: Are you satisfied with your computer? Client: Yes, but I don't know why this computer came with acoffee cup holder and after many use it's not working. Company: Odd, we don't sell computer with a computer with acoffee cup holder. Client: Hmm . . . Yes, there is. It is labeled CD-writer andthere is a little button when I press it, a tray comes outand I put the cup on it. Computer: Sir, it is a compact disc player and writer. Itis used for Audio CDs, Software CDs, but not for using it asa cup holder. Client: Oh, so that's why it broke! Thank you. Bye.