The Lineup
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is
going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Think She'll Die?"
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was THERE WAS AN OLD LADY WHO SWALLOWED A FLY.
After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on FEAR FACTOR."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose."
- Farmers Almanac
+++++++++++++++++++
"Generation Gap"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I've got 3 TVs, cable & a satellite dish. I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone and one in the car, plus a pager.
I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch both the local and the network news every evening.
And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Showers
Pre-wedding sign for the groom...
Henry: “If a wedding means showers for the bride, what does it mean for the groom?”
Jack: “Curtains.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Card Name
A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his
ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him,
"Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"
The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
hUMOR For Nov./ 29th
"Monitors"
I sell new and used computers for a living. At an exhibit and sale, I decided to give away an old 13-inch monitor that I had lying around. My neighbor came by and said, "You're giving this away? I'll take it!" Then she noticed a 15-inch monitor at the end of my table. "How much for that one?"
She asked.
I told her it was $75. She looked down at her free monitor, thought for a moment and asked, "Do you take trade-ins?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Live every day like it is your last - one of these days it will be."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Nerves of Steel"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
+++++++++++++++++++
You've Got Mail
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.
So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my
calmest voice,"What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found
a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was
home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never
heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
+++++++++++++++++++
The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted
island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship
offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge
handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told
him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read
through these and let us know if you still want to be
rescued."
+++++++++++++++++++
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted
her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting
groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in
his hand.
The guests in the front pews, and the minister, responded
with ripples of laughter. As her father gave her away in
marriage, the bride had given him back his credit card.
+++++++++++++++++++
A salesman, engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town when
they get a flat tire. The three get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I
know that I can
bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do
some computations; figuring
the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of
speed we will be traveling, to know what kind of tire you should buy."
The technician just laughs and shakes his head, "No, no, no! What's wrong
with you guy's? We have a spare tire right in the trunk. Now all we have to
do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Islamic Fascist spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:
"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now, speaka de Spanish".
I sell new and used computers for a living. At an exhibit and sale, I decided to give away an old 13-inch monitor that I had lying around. My neighbor came by and said, "You're giving this away? I'll take it!" Then she noticed a 15-inch monitor at the end of my table. "How much for that one?"
She asked.
I told her it was $75. She looked down at her free monitor, thought for a moment and asked, "Do you take trade-ins?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Live every day like it is your last - one of these days it will be."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Nerves of Steel"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
+++++++++++++++++++
You've Got Mail
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.
So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my
calmest voice,"What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found
a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was
home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never
heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
+++++++++++++++++++
The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted
island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship
offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge
handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told
him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read
through these and let us know if you still want to be
rescued."
+++++++++++++++++++
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted
her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting
groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in
his hand.
The guests in the front pews, and the minister, responded
with ripples of laughter. As her father gave her away in
marriage, the bride had given him back his credit card.
+++++++++++++++++++
A salesman, engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town when
they get a flat tire. The three get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I
know that I can
bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do
some computations; figuring
the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of
speed we will be traveling, to know what kind of tire you should buy."
The technician just laughs and shakes his head, "No, no, no! What's wrong
with you guy's? We have a spare tire right in the trunk. Now all we have to
do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Islamic Fascist spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:
"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now, speaka de Spanish".
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 28th
"The population of the United States reached 300 million yesterday. In a
related story the population of Mexico is now at 38 people." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Ants
"I'm here to exterminate the ants," explained the exterminator.
"I don't have an ant problem anymore."
"Well," he said, "I'll just treat the area to make sure they don't come
back."
"Great," I replied. "That sounds like a good idea."
Eight weeks prior to this conversation I was sitting at my desk in my office
and felt the sensation of something crawling on my arm. Upon closer
inspection, I discovered the presence of a small ant. With one press of my
mighty fingertip, I eliminated the pest. By late afternoon I had a
full-blown ant problem. Ants were crawling all over my desk and various
other places throughout my office.
The next morning I set out a couple of household ant traps that I had bought
the night before. I put one behind my trashcan and another in the opposite
corner of the room. The ants loved whatever was in the traps and soon my
desk was clear of the insects and their trail now lead exclusively to the
traps. When I arrived the following morning, all traces of ant infestation
were void but I left the traps in place just to be on the safe side.
Whenever I have a facilities problem, in other words an air conditioning,
heat, plumbing or general building problem, I report it to the building
liaison. It just so happened that the building liaison noticed my ant traps
in my office and told me, "You know, you aren't really supposed to put out
ant traps like that."
"No, I didn't know that," I replied.
"Yes, well technically, if you have an insect problem you're supposed to
report it to me and then I'll send a work order over to the staff
exterminator for him to come over and take care of the problem."
"Oh. Okay. I only set them out yesterday so I'll just toss them in the trash
and you can let the exterminator know about the ants.
The building liaison said that he'd inform the exterminator so that he could
come out and investigate the situation. He also said that he'd put in the
work order that day. Since then, I haven't seen any ants in my office.
Eight weeks later, a man sticks his head in my door to say, ""I'm here to
exterminate the ants."
"I don't have an ant problem anymore."
"Well," said the exterminator, "I'll just treat the area to make sure they
don't come back."
"Great," I replied. "That sounds like a good idea."
He opened a tackle box and took out a small box. From the small box he
removed two ant traps. As a matter of fact, they were the same type and
brand that I had set out previously. He placed one of the traps behind my
trashcan and the other in opposite corner on the other side of the room.
"Is that all you're going to do?" I asked.
"Yep. That'll probably take care of any ant problems you might have."
"Wow. I would have never thought of that."
"Most people don't think of it but you can buy these traps at just about any
grocery store."
"Is that a fact?"
"Yep but they're only good for three months."
"Are you coming back to replace them in three months?"
"Sure. Just have your building liaison turn in a work order."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oldie but Goodie
Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and Grandma started cashing them.
It turns out the government made a mistake with the address; the checks
were intended for another person with the exact same name.
Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant.
His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"
Grandpa answered: "I knew the Democrats were back in power."
+++++++++++++++++++
Politically Correct National Football League??
Announcement: Name Changes and Schedule
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on
opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers
hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering
Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
In Week 2, there are several key match ups, highlighted by the showdown
between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans
Outstandingly Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the
Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the
Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against
the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi
Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West
Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats
will play the Chicago Securities-Traders-in-a-Declining-Market.
Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England
Zealous Lovers of Country.
related story the population of Mexico is now at 38 people." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Ants
"I'm here to exterminate the ants," explained the exterminator.
"I don't have an ant problem anymore."
"Well," he said, "I'll just treat the area to make sure they don't come
back."
"Great," I replied. "That sounds like a good idea."
Eight weeks prior to this conversation I was sitting at my desk in my office
and felt the sensation of something crawling on my arm. Upon closer
inspection, I discovered the presence of a small ant. With one press of my
mighty fingertip, I eliminated the pest. By late afternoon I had a
full-blown ant problem. Ants were crawling all over my desk and various
other places throughout my office.
The next morning I set out a couple of household ant traps that I had bought
the night before. I put one behind my trashcan and another in the opposite
corner of the room. The ants loved whatever was in the traps and soon my
desk was clear of the insects and their trail now lead exclusively to the
traps. When I arrived the following morning, all traces of ant infestation
were void but I left the traps in place just to be on the safe side.
Whenever I have a facilities problem, in other words an air conditioning,
heat, plumbing or general building problem, I report it to the building
liaison. It just so happened that the building liaison noticed my ant traps
in my office and told me, "You know, you aren't really supposed to put out
ant traps like that."
"No, I didn't know that," I replied.
"Yes, well technically, if you have an insect problem you're supposed to
report it to me and then I'll send a work order over to the staff
exterminator for him to come over and take care of the problem."
"Oh. Okay. I only set them out yesterday so I'll just toss them in the trash
and you can let the exterminator know about the ants.
The building liaison said that he'd inform the exterminator so that he could
come out and investigate the situation. He also said that he'd put in the
work order that day. Since then, I haven't seen any ants in my office.
Eight weeks later, a man sticks his head in my door to say, ""I'm here to
exterminate the ants."
"I don't have an ant problem anymore."
"Well," said the exterminator, "I'll just treat the area to make sure they
don't come back."
"Great," I replied. "That sounds like a good idea."
He opened a tackle box and took out a small box. From the small box he
removed two ant traps. As a matter of fact, they were the same type and
brand that I had set out previously. He placed one of the traps behind my
trashcan and the other in opposite corner on the other side of the room.
"Is that all you're going to do?" I asked.
"Yep. That'll probably take care of any ant problems you might have."
"Wow. I would have never thought of that."
"Most people don't think of it but you can buy these traps at just about any
grocery store."
"Is that a fact?"
"Yep but they're only good for three months."
"Are you coming back to replace them in three months?"
"Sure. Just have your building liaison turn in a work order."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oldie but Goodie
Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and Grandma started cashing them.
It turns out the government made a mistake with the address; the checks
were intended for another person with the exact same name.
Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant.
His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"
Grandpa answered: "I knew the Democrats were back in power."
+++++++++++++++++++
Politically Correct National Football League??
Announcement: Name Changes and Schedule
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on
opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers
hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering
Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
In Week 2, there are several key match ups, highlighted by the showdown
between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans
Outstandingly Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the
Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the
Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against
the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi
Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West
Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats
will play the Chicago Securities-Traders-in-a-Declining-Market.
Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England
Zealous Lovers of Country.
Monday, November 27, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 27th
Church Signs We Have Seen
"Don't ever give up! Remember, Moses was once a basket case."
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's
orchard."
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."
"God answers kneemail."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Johnny, a six-year-old, came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've
got a stomachache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," his mother replied. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." She gave little Johnny a snack and sure
enough, little Johnny felt better right away.
That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he was chatting with
little Johnny's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.
Little Johnny perked up. "That's because it's empty," he said. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
There's room for all God's creatures right next to the mashed potatoes.
+++++++++++++++++++
12 Reasons to be Thankful You Burnt the Turkey
1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will
be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
+++++++++++++++++++
Lot's Wife
Little Johnny's advice for Sunday School teachers...
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when Little Johnny interrupted.
“My Mom looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Quick Check for Alzheimer's.
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is person cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and
I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on
+++++++++++++++++++
Come with me to a third grade classroom.....
There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.
The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."
He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.
The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"
Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful.
But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.
She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!"
Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once, too."
I not only love the story --- I love this last quote!!
I only hope that in the coming years there will be many people with fish bowls around me!!!
May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Scientist Escape"
A scientist, unjustly accused and convicted of a major crime, found himself sentenced to hard time in a prison out in the Arizona desert. His cellmate turned out to be another scientist. Determined to escape, the first man tried to convince his colleague to make the attempt with him. He refused. After careful planning the scientist made his escape.
Before long the heat of the desert, the lack of food and water, and complete disorientation in the hostile wilderness almost drove him mad. He was soon forced to return to the prison. He reported his terrible experience to the other scientist who surprised him by saying, "Yes, I know. I tried it too and failed, too, for the same reasons."
The first scientist responded bitter, "For heaven's sake, man, when you knew I was going to make a break for it, why didn't you tell me what it was like out there?"
His cellmate responded with a shrug, "Who publishes negative results?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration then evidentially I keep sharing elevators with a lot of very intelligent people."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cute Baby"
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
"Don't ever give up! Remember, Moses was once a basket case."
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's
orchard."
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."
"God answers kneemail."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Johnny, a six-year-old, came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've
got a stomachache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," his mother replied. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." She gave little Johnny a snack and sure
enough, little Johnny felt better right away.
That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he was chatting with
little Johnny's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.
Little Johnny perked up. "That's because it's empty," he said. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
There's room for all God's creatures right next to the mashed potatoes.
+++++++++++++++++++
12 Reasons to be Thankful You Burnt the Turkey
1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will
be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
+++++++++++++++++++
Lot's Wife
Little Johnny's advice for Sunday School teachers...
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when Little Johnny interrupted.
“My Mom looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Quick Check for Alzheimer's.
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is person cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and
I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on
+++++++++++++++++++
Come with me to a third grade classroom.....
There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.
The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."
He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.
The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"
Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful.
But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.
She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!"
Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once, too."
I not only love the story --- I love this last quote!!
I only hope that in the coming years there will be many people with fish bowls around me!!!
May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Scientist Escape"
A scientist, unjustly accused and convicted of a major crime, found himself sentenced to hard time in a prison out in the Arizona desert. His cellmate turned out to be another scientist. Determined to escape, the first man tried to convince his colleague to make the attempt with him. He refused. After careful planning the scientist made his escape.
Before long the heat of the desert, the lack of food and water, and complete disorientation in the hostile wilderness almost drove him mad. He was soon forced to return to the prison. He reported his terrible experience to the other scientist who surprised him by saying, "Yes, I know. I tried it too and failed, too, for the same reasons."
The first scientist responded bitter, "For heaven's sake, man, when you knew I was going to make a break for it, why didn't you tell me what it was like out there?"
His cellmate responded with a shrug, "Who publishes negative results?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration then evidentially I keep sharing elevators with a lot of very intelligent people."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cute Baby"
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
Sunday, November 26, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 26th
"Birthday Greetings"
Seen on a birthday card.
Forget about the past, You can't change it.
Forget about the future, You can't predict it.
Inside:
Forget about the present, I didn't buy you one.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You're right."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Passion"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of tan-colored paper.
"Your name?" I asked.
"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
A party of economists went climbing in the Alps. After several hours they
became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning
it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and
the sun.
Finally he said, "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" The others all
agreed that they did. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of
it."
+++++++++++++++++++
A salesman, engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town when
they get a flat tire. The three get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I
know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great
deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do
some computations; figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature,
and the average rate of speed we will be traveling, to know what kind of
tire you should buy."
The technician just laughs and shakes his head, "No, no, no! What's wrong
with you guy's? We have a spare tire right in the trunk. Now all we have to
do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
"When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my hometown. But not, like,
cremated or anything." - Mitch Berg
+++++++++++++++++++
"Rattlesnake Ammo"
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
Seen on a birthday card.
Forget about the past, You can't change it.
Forget about the future, You can't predict it.
Inside:
Forget about the present, I didn't buy you one.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You're right."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Passion"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of tan-colored paper.
"Your name?" I asked.
"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
A party of economists went climbing in the Alps. After several hours they
became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning
it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and
the sun.
Finally he said, "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" The others all
agreed that they did. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of
it."
+++++++++++++++++++
A salesman, engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town when
they get a flat tire. The three get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I
know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great
deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do
some computations; figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature,
and the average rate of speed we will be traveling, to know what kind of
tire you should buy."
The technician just laughs and shakes his head, "No, no, no! What's wrong
with you guy's? We have a spare tire right in the trunk. Now all we have to
do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
"When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my hometown. But not, like,
cremated or anything." - Mitch Berg
+++++++++++++++++++
"Rattlesnake Ammo"
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
Saturday, November 25, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 25th
"Signs of Banned Substances"
Signs That An Athlete Is Using A Banned Substance:
Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he's on the chess team.
Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's French Open.
Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.
His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.
Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.
Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."
Forget Nike and Reebok-he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"How do a fool and his money get together?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Contractor"
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defence Contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as
getting married just because you do." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
+++++++++++++++++++
After-Thanksgiving Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
+++++++++++++++++++
After-Thanksgiving Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
Signs That An Athlete Is Using A Banned Substance:
Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he's on the chess team.
Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's French Open.
Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.
His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.
Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.
Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."
Forget Nike and Reebok-he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"How do a fool and his money get together?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Contractor"
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defence Contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as
getting married just because you do." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
+++++++++++++++++++
After-Thanksgiving Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
+++++++++++++++++++
After-Thanksgiving Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
Friday, November 24, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 24th
"Dishwasher Repair"
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
+++++++++++++++++++
"Getting What You Want"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
We were driving our three-year-old son to his Grandma's home when we stopped at a store. Once inside, our son decided he wanted one of those large gumballs.
I told him he couldn't have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him and said, "This is a fact of life: You don't always get everything you want."
"I know," he replied. "Just don't tell Gramma."
+++++++++++++++++++
Grandfather Turkey
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey
scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief,"
she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd
turn over in his gravy."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Might Be a Redneck This Thanksgiving If...
... you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong
table.
... Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
... you've ever reused a paper plate.
... if you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all
say Cool Whip on the side.
... if you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet
table.
... your turkey platter is an old hubcap.
... your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
... your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait
shop.
... your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
... side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
... you have to go outside to get something out of the
'fridge.
... the directions to your house include "turn off the paved
road."
... you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
... you have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
... your secret family recipe is illegal.
... you serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.
+++++++++++++++++++
"The American colonists said, 'We discovered new lands and territories.'
Hey, if you believe that, I can go to court and say, 'Your honor, I was
exploring some fire escapes and discovered this man's apartment. I planted
my flag in his living room and now all his stuff is mine!'" -Warren
Hutcherson
+++++++++++++++++++
Ode To A Turkey
Remembering the horrors of Black November...
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop;
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of ‘Black November’...
“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;
Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink.”
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat;
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and grapes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, “Christmas is coming!”
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
+++++++++++++++++++
"Getting What You Want"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
We were driving our three-year-old son to his Grandma's home when we stopped at a store. Once inside, our son decided he wanted one of those large gumballs.
I told him he couldn't have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him and said, "This is a fact of life: You don't always get everything you want."
"I know," he replied. "Just don't tell Gramma."
+++++++++++++++++++
Grandfather Turkey
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey
scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief,"
she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd
turn over in his gravy."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Might Be a Redneck This Thanksgiving If...
... you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong
table.
... Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
... you've ever reused a paper plate.
... if you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all
say Cool Whip on the side.
... if you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet
table.
... your turkey platter is an old hubcap.
... your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
... your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait
shop.
... your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
... side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
... you have to go outside to get something out of the
'fridge.
... the directions to your house include "turn off the paved
road."
... you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
... you have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
... your secret family recipe is illegal.
... you serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.
+++++++++++++++++++
"The American colonists said, 'We discovered new lands and territories.'
Hey, if you believe that, I can go to court and say, 'Your honor, I was
exploring some fire escapes and discovered this man's apartment. I planted
my flag in his living room and now all his stuff is mine!'" -Warren
Hutcherson
+++++++++++++++++++
Ode To A Turkey
Remembering the horrors of Black November...
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop;
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of ‘Black November’...
“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;
Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink.”
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat;
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and grapes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, “Christmas is coming!”
Thursday, November 23, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 23rd
"Jar 47"
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr.
Thompson was cured and fled the room!
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Maytag"
Maytag is my middle name; I'm an agitator.
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of Black November:
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n
pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the
sink;
"And then comes the worst part," he said, not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with
stuffing."
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice, and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates, and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough, when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound.
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming..."
Happy Thanksgiving
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr.
Thompson was cured and fled the room!
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Maytag"
Maytag is my middle name; I'm an agitator.
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of Black November:
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n
pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the
sink;
"And then comes the worst part," he said, not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with
stuffing."
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice, and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates, and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough, when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound.
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming..."
Happy Thanksgiving
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 22nd
"Golf Questions"
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Nadine: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Nadine: I thought I asked legitimate questions.. like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working." - Pablo Picasso
+++++++++++++++++++
"Life Change"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Little Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Little Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
+++++++++++++++++++
I Am Thankful.....
...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
...for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been
surrounded by friends.
...for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have
enough to eat.
...for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and
gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
...for all the complaining I hear about the government because it
means we have freedom of speech.
...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it
means I am capable of walking.
...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it
means that I can hear.
...for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have
clothes to wear.
...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it
means I have been productive.
...for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it
means that I am alive.
...for getting too much email because it lets me know I have friends
who are thinking of me.
+++++++++++++++++++
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked
him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's
the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered
gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Danny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom,
"Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Danny."
Danny says, "I can see why they threw him out."
+++++++++++++++++++
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football
game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle,
the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.
Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer
called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and
innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanksgiving Recipes by Kids
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills
resulting from use of her cookbook.
Vernie-I am a Turkey
Ivette - Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in
the pie. Then you eat it.
Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300
degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you
put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then
you invite people over and eat.
Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10
hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.
Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15
minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after
5 minutes, then you eat it.
Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the
oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15
hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.
Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on
it and eat it.
Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the
oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off.
Then it's time to eat them.
Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for
1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad
cuts it and then eat.
Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours
at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.
Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19
degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.
Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9
minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.
Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put
brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then
you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan.
Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you
take it out of the oven and then you eat it.
Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the
oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates
and then you eat it.
Jordan S - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add
the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.
Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then you eat it.
Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it
all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then
you eat it.
Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees.
Then you cut it up and you eat it.
Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.
Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put
dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5
degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and
bring it with you. Then you eat it.
Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35
degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.
Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with
it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape.
Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.
Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook
it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then eat it.
Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.
Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat it.
Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan.
Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it.
Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on
a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of
the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more
salsa on it. Then you eat it.
Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then
put it on a plate. Then eat.
Siera - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon.
Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.
Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1
hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.
Tommy - Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin
Wai - Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Nadine: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Nadine: I thought I asked legitimate questions.. like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working." - Pablo Picasso
+++++++++++++++++++
"Life Change"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Little Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Little Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
+++++++++++++++++++
I Am Thankful.....
...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
...for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been
surrounded by friends.
...for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have
enough to eat.
...for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and
gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
...for all the complaining I hear about the government because it
means we have freedom of speech.
...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it
means I am capable of walking.
...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it
means that I can hear.
...for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have
clothes to wear.
...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it
means I have been productive.
...for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it
means that I am alive.
...for getting too much email because it lets me know I have friends
who are thinking of me.
+++++++++++++++++++
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked
him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's
the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered
gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Danny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom,
"Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Danny."
Danny says, "I can see why they threw him out."
+++++++++++++++++++
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football
game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle,
the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.
Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer
called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and
innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanksgiving Recipes by Kids
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills
resulting from use of her cookbook.
Vernie-I am a Turkey
Ivette - Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in
the pie. Then you eat it.
Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300
degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you
put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then
you invite people over and eat.
Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10
hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.
Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15
minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after
5 minutes, then you eat it.
Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the
oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15
hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.
Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on
it and eat it.
Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the
oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off.
Then it's time to eat them.
Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for
1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad
cuts it and then eat.
Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours
at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.
Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19
degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.
Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9
minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.
Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put
brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then
you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan.
Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you
take it out of the oven and then you eat it.
Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the
oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates
and then you eat it.
Jordan S - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add
the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.
Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then you eat it.
Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it
all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then
you eat it.
Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees.
Then you cut it up and you eat it.
Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.
Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put
dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5
degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and
bring it with you. Then you eat it.
Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35
degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.
Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with
it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape.
Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.
Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook
it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then eat it.
Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.
Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat it.
Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan.
Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it.
Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on
a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of
the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more
salsa on it. Then you eat it.
Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then
put it on a plate. Then eat.
Siera - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon.
Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.
Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1
hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.
Tommy - Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin
Wai - Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 21st
"Razor Request"
Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"
The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"
Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I might could defend myself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Gas prices are so high that when this college girl pulled into a gas station and asked for 2 dollar's worth, the attendant dabbed some behind her ears."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Park Rules "
Here's another great pun from Stan Kegel.
I took my two sons, ages seven and five, to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud that he was able to read to his brother the sign with all the rules posted for the playground.
"1. Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"2. Go down the slide while sitting only."
"3. Only one child on a swing at a time."
There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without me standing by to watch. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if I stayed.
I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions.
I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one... They would each get on the tall semicircular slide and slide down head-first or backward.
Angrily, I walked to the children and escorted them over to the posted regulations. I asked my seven year old read to them aloud once again - paying special attention to the rules about the slide. Then I asked them what they had to say for themselves.
My five year old answered immediately: "Don't be silly Daddy - they don't use slide rules anymore. (By Stan Kegel)
+++++++++++++++++++
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner
at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the
table as the food was being served. When little Logan
received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded
him.
"I don't need to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer
before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is
Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Chicken Literacy
Beware of chickens in public libraries...
A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.
Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.
About an hour later the two birds march back in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!”
The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.
She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit...”
Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"
The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"
Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I might could defend myself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Gas prices are so high that when this college girl pulled into a gas station and asked for 2 dollar's worth, the attendant dabbed some behind her ears."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Park Rules "
Here's another great pun from Stan Kegel.
I took my two sons, ages seven and five, to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud that he was able to read to his brother the sign with all the rules posted for the playground.
"1. Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"2. Go down the slide while sitting only."
"3. Only one child on a swing at a time."
There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without me standing by to watch. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if I stayed.
I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions.
I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one... They would each get on the tall semicircular slide and slide down head-first or backward.
Angrily, I walked to the children and escorted them over to the posted regulations. I asked my seven year old read to them aloud once again - paying special attention to the rules about the slide. Then I asked them what they had to say for themselves.
My five year old answered immediately: "Don't be silly Daddy - they don't use slide rules anymore. (By Stan Kegel)
+++++++++++++++++++
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner
at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the
table as the food was being served. When little Logan
received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded
him.
"I don't need to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer
before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is
Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Chicken Literacy
Beware of chickens in public libraries...
A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.
Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.
About an hour later the two birds march back in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!”
The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.
She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit...”
Monday, November 20, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 20th
I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a
call from an Individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were talking and one says to the other, "You'll never believe this.
If you play an AOL CD backwards you can hear all kinds of evil and Satanic
messages."
His friend replies, "That's nothing. If you play it forwards it installs
AOL.
+++++++++++++++++++
I experiencing Deja Vu. I experiencing Deja Vu.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Clerk Problem"
In a department store, Sandra and a patient clerk were having a hard time getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable. Finally, Sandra said in annoyance, "Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"
"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you coming and left."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together."
- Vesta M. Kelly
+++++++++++++++++++
"Security"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full uniform, was in line in front of him.
As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.
Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.
"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.
Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Label Warning"
My in-laws gave us a beautiful knife set--top quality.
The accompanying cutting board, however, was a different story.
On the wrapping around it was printed this warning: "Opening with sharp object may damage this product."
+++++++++++++++++++
A member of the Vatican staff announced at a church service that the Pope
had contracted the Avian Flu.
A member of the congregation raised his hand, stood, and asked if the staff
member had meant to say Asian Flu.
The staff member said that Avian Flu was the correct term. The Pope had
contracted it from a Cardinal.
+++++++++++++++++++
A minister was disappointed when he took up the collection from his
congregation. All in all, it was quite skimpy.
"You know you can't take it with you." he told them. "But if you put it in
the plate, I'll send it on ahead."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for
it." - Abraham Lincoln
call from an Individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were talking and one says to the other, "You'll never believe this.
If you play an AOL CD backwards you can hear all kinds of evil and Satanic
messages."
His friend replies, "That's nothing. If you play it forwards it installs
AOL.
+++++++++++++++++++
I experiencing Deja Vu. I experiencing Deja Vu.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Clerk Problem"
In a department store, Sandra and a patient clerk were having a hard time getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable. Finally, Sandra said in annoyance, "Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"
"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you coming and left."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together."
- Vesta M. Kelly
+++++++++++++++++++
"Security"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full uniform, was in line in front of him.
As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.
Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.
"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.
Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Label Warning"
My in-laws gave us a beautiful knife set--top quality.
The accompanying cutting board, however, was a different story.
On the wrapping around it was printed this warning: "Opening with sharp object may damage this product."
+++++++++++++++++++
A member of the Vatican staff announced at a church service that the Pope
had contracted the Avian Flu.
A member of the congregation raised his hand, stood, and asked if the staff
member had meant to say Asian Flu.
The staff member said that Avian Flu was the correct term. The Pope had
contracted it from a Cardinal.
+++++++++++++++++++
A minister was disappointed when he took up the collection from his
congregation. All in all, it was quite skimpy.
"You know you can't take it with you." he told them. "But if you put it in
the plate, I'll send it on ahead."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for
it." - Abraham Lincoln
Sunday, November 19, 2006
hUMOR For Nov.19th
Man of the House
A man had just finished reading the book "Man of the House" while
riding the commuter train home from work.
When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly
up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now
on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is
law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And
when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral director is
my guess.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Eggplant Sale"
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea.--three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money in prolonging the problem."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Prison Cupboards"
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.
The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.
And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Well, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mom was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up, and he thought this was
a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into
trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a
bike for his birthday. "Of course," he said.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to
reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your
room, Leroy, and think about how you've behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a
bike for your birthday."
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down
to write God a letter.
Letter 1: "Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year,
and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy."
Leroy knew this was not true, so he tore the letter up and
wrote a new one.
Letter 2: "Dear God, I have been an okay boy this year. I
still would like a bike for my birthday. Leroy."
This letter was no good either.
Letter 3: "Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this
year. I am very sorry, and I will be a good boy next year if
you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please. Thank you.
Leroy."
Leroy knew this wasn't true, and now he was getting upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he needed to go to
church. She thought her plan had worked and told him to be
home in time for dinner.
Leroy walked into the church and went to the altar. He
looked around to see if anyone was watching. He bent down,
picked up the statue of the Virgin Mary, and slipped it
under his coat.
Letter 4: "Dear God, I got your mama. If you want to see her
again, send the bike. Signed, You know who."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Gift
by Robert Byron
"Are you going to throw that away?"
"Yes I am. Do you want it?" asked the supervisor.
"Sure, I'll take it," replied Sam.
Sam was a poor carpenter who never had much. He had been saving substandard
and scrap building materials for years from the jobs he worked. His plan was
to save enough material to someday build a house for his family.
One Sunday morning as Sam and his family went to church, they arrived to
find out that lightening had struck the church building. The congregation
stood by the charred remains of their beloved place of worship. Many tears
were being shed. "I don't know how we will be able to rebuild the church,"
remarked the pastor. "There is no money to buy materials."
That night, Sam loaded up his old pickup truck with the substandard and
scrap material he had been collecting over the years. He made several tips
to the burned out church and neatly stacked all of the material in the
churchyard.
The next morning, the pastor, the associate pastor, the elders and deacons
met at the church to decide what they should do about finding a new place to
worship. They were quite surprised upon their arrival to find a churchyard
full of building materials.
"This plywood is all warped," said the associate pastor.
"These two by fours are bent," said a deacon.
"The sheet rock is chipped," said an elder.
"It appears that our prayers have been answered," said the pastor. "Lets
rebuild the church."
Everyone looked at the pastor as if he was out of his mind but, nonetheless,
a church was built with the material. The congregation was thankful that
they had a place to meet even though the building leaned slightly to one
side. Sam the carpenter was glad he had helped the church. Although everyone
wondered who had donated the substandard supplies, Sam never told anyone
that it was he and forever his gift remained anonymous.
The moral of this story is simply this:
If you donate your junk to the church, don't tell anybody.
A man had just finished reading the book "Man of the House" while
riding the commuter train home from work.
When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly
up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now
on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is
law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And
when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral director is
my guess.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Eggplant Sale"
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea.--three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money in prolonging the problem."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Prison Cupboards"
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.
The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.
And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Well, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mom was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up, and he thought this was
a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into
trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a
bike for his birthday. "Of course," he said.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to
reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your
room, Leroy, and think about how you've behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a
bike for your birthday."
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down
to write God a letter.
Letter 1: "Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year,
and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy."
Leroy knew this was not true, so he tore the letter up and
wrote a new one.
Letter 2: "Dear God, I have been an okay boy this year. I
still would like a bike for my birthday. Leroy."
This letter was no good either.
Letter 3: "Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this
year. I am very sorry, and I will be a good boy next year if
you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please. Thank you.
Leroy."
Leroy knew this wasn't true, and now he was getting upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he needed to go to
church. She thought her plan had worked and told him to be
home in time for dinner.
Leroy walked into the church and went to the altar. He
looked around to see if anyone was watching. He bent down,
picked up the statue of the Virgin Mary, and slipped it
under his coat.
Letter 4: "Dear God, I got your mama. If you want to see her
again, send the bike. Signed, You know who."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Gift
by Robert Byron
"Are you going to throw that away?"
"Yes I am. Do you want it?" asked the supervisor.
"Sure, I'll take it," replied Sam.
Sam was a poor carpenter who never had much. He had been saving substandard
and scrap building materials for years from the jobs he worked. His plan was
to save enough material to someday build a house for his family.
One Sunday morning as Sam and his family went to church, they arrived to
find out that lightening had struck the church building. The congregation
stood by the charred remains of their beloved place of worship. Many tears
were being shed. "I don't know how we will be able to rebuild the church,"
remarked the pastor. "There is no money to buy materials."
That night, Sam loaded up his old pickup truck with the substandard and
scrap material he had been collecting over the years. He made several tips
to the burned out church and neatly stacked all of the material in the
churchyard.
The next morning, the pastor, the associate pastor, the elders and deacons
met at the church to decide what they should do about finding a new place to
worship. They were quite surprised upon their arrival to find a churchyard
full of building materials.
"This plywood is all warped," said the associate pastor.
"These two by fours are bent," said a deacon.
"The sheet rock is chipped," said an elder.
"It appears that our prayers have been answered," said the pastor. "Lets
rebuild the church."
Everyone looked at the pastor as if he was out of his mind but, nonetheless,
a church was built with the material. The congregation was thankful that
they had a place to meet even though the building leaned slightly to one
side. Sam the carpenter was glad he had helped the church. Although everyone
wondered who had donated the substandard supplies, Sam never told anyone
that it was he and forever his gift remained anonymous.
The moral of this story is simply this:
If you donate your junk to the church, don't tell anybody.
Friday, November 17, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 17th
Driving my seven-year-old to school today, I was plugging in
my iPod, and she said, "I want to hear Back in Black," from
one of the Men in Black sound tracks.
I said, "No, I'm in the mood for something classical."
"But I don't want Mozart," she replied.
"How about Rachmaninov?" I suggested, but she remained
silent.
The Best of Rachmaninov started playing and she objected, "I
said I don't want to hear Mozart."
"It's not Mozart -- it's Rachmaninov," I replied.
"Well," she said indignantly, "I don't hear the 'rock'
part."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had just moved into my new apartment and had a phone installed. At that
time in Green Bay, the taverns closed at 2:00 am. At 2:00 am the phone
rang, and a slurring voice asked," Ish Sharlie there?"
Groggily I replied, "You have the wrong number, there's no Charlie here!"
and hung up.
Three minutes later the phone rang again. "Hey Sharlie, come on en get me!"
Once again I replied, "You have the wrong number, there is no Charlie here."
A few more minutes passed, and once again the phone rang. Realizing this
could go on all night I said, "Charlie can't come to the phone right now.
Call a cab and he will pay for it when you get here!"
I then sat up the rest of the night, afraid that the phone number had been
for the new apartment, and I would soon have a drunk on my doorstep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter,
another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came.
Finally Dr. Bernard sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately
strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the
back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you
owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a
gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat. On the back of the photograph the
patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money isn't everything. There's also credit cards, money orders, and
travelers checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Police Pastor"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.” He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."
- Helen Keller
+++++++++++++++++++
"Human Nature"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Brain Teasers
A puzzle-ing assortment 4U...
QUESTIONS
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching…
6. Count the “F’s” in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
5. The letter 'e' (the most common in the English language), does not appear once in the paragraph.
6. Do you think there are three? There are six F’s. Most people - especially speed readers - miss (or pass by) the 'OF' words... But if you did come up with 6 F's right away - you're either a very slow reader or you've been reading too many joe-ks!
+++++++++++++++++++
Psychiatric Office Answering Machine
Mental Hospital Hotline - tell someone who cares...
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Seniors Having Babies
Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby...
[With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit...]
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“Because I forgot where I put him.”
my iPod, and she said, "I want to hear Back in Black," from
one of the Men in Black sound tracks.
I said, "No, I'm in the mood for something classical."
"But I don't want Mozart," she replied.
"How about Rachmaninov?" I suggested, but she remained
silent.
The Best of Rachmaninov started playing and she objected, "I
said I don't want to hear Mozart."
"It's not Mozart -- it's Rachmaninov," I replied.
"Well," she said indignantly, "I don't hear the 'rock'
part."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had just moved into my new apartment and had a phone installed. At that
time in Green Bay, the taverns closed at 2:00 am. At 2:00 am the phone
rang, and a slurring voice asked," Ish Sharlie there?"
Groggily I replied, "You have the wrong number, there's no Charlie here!"
and hung up.
Three minutes later the phone rang again. "Hey Sharlie, come on en get me!"
Once again I replied, "You have the wrong number, there is no Charlie here."
A few more minutes passed, and once again the phone rang. Realizing this
could go on all night I said, "Charlie can't come to the phone right now.
Call a cab and he will pay for it when you get here!"
I then sat up the rest of the night, afraid that the phone number had been
for the new apartment, and I would soon have a drunk on my doorstep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter,
another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came.
Finally Dr. Bernard sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately
strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the
back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you
owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a
gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat. On the back of the photograph the
patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money isn't everything. There's also credit cards, money orders, and
travelers checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Police Pastor"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.” He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."
- Helen Keller
+++++++++++++++++++
"Human Nature"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Brain Teasers
A puzzle-ing assortment 4U...
QUESTIONS
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching…
6. Count the “F’s” in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
5. The letter 'e' (the most common in the English language), does not appear once in the paragraph.
6. Do you think there are three? There are six F’s. Most people - especially speed readers - miss (or pass by) the 'OF' words... But if you did come up with 6 F's right away - you're either a very slow reader or you've been reading too many joe-ks!
+++++++++++++++++++
Psychiatric Office Answering Machine
Mental Hospital Hotline - tell someone who cares...
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Seniors Having Babies
Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby...
[With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit...]
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“Because I forgot where I put him.”
Thursday, November 16, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 15th
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
/////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
/////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
*************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
///////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
+++++++++++++++++++
"Football Signals"
A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.
On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Wallet Return"
Today's particular pun is very long and a real groaner, so if you don't like puns or have been experienceing stomach problems today, you may like to skip it.
An extremely red-faced man stormed into the tiny shop on the corner of Lingot and Main.
Pushing his way past the assorted browsers, he bore down on the sales counter like a Scud missile.
The lone clerk regarded him with some trepidation.
I want to speak to the manager,'' he demanded.
''I'm sorry Sir, Mr. Mowbray isn't in today. Is there anything I can help you with?'' "You're right there is," he sputtered.
He reached into his pants pocket, extracted a tattered wallet and slammed it down on the counter.
''I bought this piece of garbage here only two months ago and now look at it. It's falling apart. Forty-nine ninety-five it cost me! Forty-nine ninety-five,''he added for more emphasis. "Can you believe that?'' His face was getting redder.
The clerk wasn't sure what to say to him. She only hoped the top of his head stayed put.
She picked up the wallet and examined it.
''Yes, Sir, it certainly isn't in very good shape. And you say you've only had it for two months?"
''That's what I said. Two months and it falls apart. And you know what else?'' ''No,'' she answered cautiously. ''What?'' ''It isn't even leather. You ripped me off. It looks like leather, feels like leather, even smells like it. But I'm a monkey's uncle if it is. And you charge me almost fifty dollars for it."
He was sputtering badly now.
''That's highway robbery and I don't intend to let you get away with it.'' ''Well ... what exactly are you looking for?"
"I want my money back, every cent of it.'' “Do you have your receipt?'' He opened the wallet and produced the slip.
She examined it.
“I’m afraid there's nothing I can do.'' The top of his head seemed to rise above his crimson ears.
”What do you mean?” he bellowed. ''I have my receipt, the goods were defective and I want restitution.
Do you understand?"
''Yes, of course I understand but as I just told you, there's nothing I can do.” She was more confident now.
”What kind of store is this? I buy something in good faith and when it falls apart prematurely you refuse to give me satisfaction. Is that the kind of operation you're running?"
"It's not that simple Sir. We are indeed a reputable firm but in this case, well, ... I'm sorry.'' His sputtering had shifted into high gear and he was showering the clerk with spit.
”Sorry ... sorry? That's all? Perhaps you'd explain just why you insist on treating me like this."
She pointed to the receipt.
"Did you read the fine print?'' He was dumbfounded.
”What fine print?"
''Here, just below the total."
She pointed to it like a teacher in a class of maddeningly slow learners.
''See,'' she said, ”All Sales Are Vinyl.''
/////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
/////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
*************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
///////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
+++++++++++++++++++
"Football Signals"
A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.
On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Wallet Return"
Today's particular pun is very long and a real groaner, so if you don't like puns or have been experienceing stomach problems today, you may like to skip it.
An extremely red-faced man stormed into the tiny shop on the corner of Lingot and Main.
Pushing his way past the assorted browsers, he bore down on the sales counter like a Scud missile.
The lone clerk regarded him with some trepidation.
I want to speak to the manager,'' he demanded.
''I'm sorry Sir, Mr. Mowbray isn't in today. Is there anything I can help you with?'' "You're right there is," he sputtered.
He reached into his pants pocket, extracted a tattered wallet and slammed it down on the counter.
''I bought this piece of garbage here only two months ago and now look at it. It's falling apart. Forty-nine ninety-five it cost me! Forty-nine ninety-five,''he added for more emphasis. "Can you believe that?'' His face was getting redder.
The clerk wasn't sure what to say to him. She only hoped the top of his head stayed put.
She picked up the wallet and examined it.
''Yes, Sir, it certainly isn't in very good shape. And you say you've only had it for two months?"
''That's what I said. Two months and it falls apart. And you know what else?'' ''No,'' she answered cautiously. ''What?'' ''It isn't even leather. You ripped me off. It looks like leather, feels like leather, even smells like it. But I'm a monkey's uncle if it is. And you charge me almost fifty dollars for it."
He was sputtering badly now.
''That's highway robbery and I don't intend to let you get away with it.'' ''Well ... what exactly are you looking for?"
"I want my money back, every cent of it.'' “Do you have your receipt?'' He opened the wallet and produced the slip.
She examined it.
“I’m afraid there's nothing I can do.'' The top of his head seemed to rise above his crimson ears.
”What do you mean?” he bellowed. ''I have my receipt, the goods were defective and I want restitution.
Do you understand?"
''Yes, of course I understand but as I just told you, there's nothing I can do.” She was more confident now.
”What kind of store is this? I buy something in good faith and when it falls apart prematurely you refuse to give me satisfaction. Is that the kind of operation you're running?"
"It's not that simple Sir. We are indeed a reputable firm but in this case, well, ... I'm sorry.'' His sputtering had shifted into high gear and he was showering the clerk with spit.
”Sorry ... sorry? That's all? Perhaps you'd explain just why you insist on treating me like this."
She pointed to the receipt.
"Did you read the fine print?'' He was dumbfounded.
”What fine print?"
''Here, just below the total."
She pointed to it like a teacher in a class of maddeningly slow learners.
''See,'' she said, ”All Sales Are Vinyl.''
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 15th
Driving my seven-year-old to school today, I was plugging in
my iPod, and she said, "I want to hear Back in Black," from
one of the Men in Black sound tracks.
I said, "No, I'm in the mood for something classical."
"But I don't want Mozart," she replied.
"How about Rachmaninov?" I suggested, but she remained
silent.
The Best of Rachmaninov started playing and she objected, "I
said I don't want to hear Mozart."
"It's not Mozart -- it's Rachmaninov," I replied.
"Well," she said indignantly, "I don't hear the 'rock'
part."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had just moved into my new apartment and had a phone installed. At that
time in Green Bay, the taverns closed at 2:00 am. At 2:00 am the phone
rang, and a slurring voice asked," Ish Sharlie there?"
Groggily I replied, "You have the wrong number, there's no Charlie here!"
and hung up.
Three minutes later the phone rang again. "Hey Sharlie, come on en get me!"
Once again I replied, "You have the wrong number, there is no Charlie here."
A few more minutes passed, and once again the phone rang. Realizing this
could go on all night I said, "Charlie can't come to the phone right now.
Call a cab and he will pay for it when you get here!"
I then sat up the rest of the night, afraid that the phone number had been
for the new apartment, and I would soon have a drunk on my doorstep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter,
another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came.
Finally Dr. Bernard sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately
strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the
back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you
owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a
gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat. On the back of the photograph the
patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money isn't everything. There's also credit cards, money orders, and
travelers checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Police Pastor"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.” He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."
- Helen Keller
+++++++++++++++++++
"Human Nature"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Brain Teasers
A puzzle-ing assortment 4U...
QUESTIONS
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching…
6. Count the “F’s” in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
5. The letter 'e' (the most common in the English language), does not appear once in the paragraph.
6. Do you think there are three? There are six F’s. Most people - especially speed readers - miss (or pass by) the 'OF' words... But if you did come up with 6 F's right away - you're either a very slow reader or you've been reading too many joe-ks!
+++++++++++++++++++
Psychiatric Office Answering Machine
Mental Hospital Hotline - tell someone who cares...
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Seniors Having Babies
Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby...
[With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit...]
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“Because I forgot where I put him.”
my iPod, and she said, "I want to hear Back in Black," from
one of the Men in Black sound tracks.
I said, "No, I'm in the mood for something classical."
"But I don't want Mozart," she replied.
"How about Rachmaninov?" I suggested, but she remained
silent.
The Best of Rachmaninov started playing and she objected, "I
said I don't want to hear Mozart."
"It's not Mozart -- it's Rachmaninov," I replied.
"Well," she said indignantly, "I don't hear the 'rock'
part."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had just moved into my new apartment and had a phone installed. At that
time in Green Bay, the taverns closed at 2:00 am. At 2:00 am the phone
rang, and a slurring voice asked," Ish Sharlie there?"
Groggily I replied, "You have the wrong number, there's no Charlie here!"
and hung up.
Three minutes later the phone rang again. "Hey Sharlie, come on en get me!"
Once again I replied, "You have the wrong number, there is no Charlie here."
A few more minutes passed, and once again the phone rang. Realizing this
could go on all night I said, "Charlie can't come to the phone right now.
Call a cab and he will pay for it when you get here!"
I then sat up the rest of the night, afraid that the phone number had been
for the new apartment, and I would soon have a drunk on my doorstep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter,
another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came.
Finally Dr. Bernard sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately
strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the
back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you
owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a
gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat. On the back of the photograph the
patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money isn't everything. There's also credit cards, money orders, and
travelers checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Police Pastor"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.” He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."
- Helen Keller
+++++++++++++++++++
"Human Nature"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Brain Teasers
A puzzle-ing assortment 4U...
QUESTIONS
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching…
6. Count the “F’s” in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
5. The letter 'e' (the most common in the English language), does not appear once in the paragraph.
6. Do you think there are three? There are six F’s. Most people - especially speed readers - miss (or pass by) the 'OF' words... But if you did come up with 6 F's right away - you're either a very slow reader or you've been reading too many joe-ks!
+++++++++++++++++++
Psychiatric Office Answering Machine
Mental Hospital Hotline - tell someone who cares...
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Seniors Having Babies
Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby...
[With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit...]
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“Because I forgot where I put him.”
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 14th
"Still More Bulletin Bloopers"
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"
Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.
Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus
Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.
Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.
What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.
The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"An employer is someone who is late when you're early and early when you're late."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Benefit"
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
+++++++++++++++++++
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in
court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked,
"Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled
up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."
+++++++++++++++++++
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a
camp fire with a whole book of matches?
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"
Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.
Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus
Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.
Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.
What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.
The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"An employer is someone who is late when you're early and early when you're late."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Benefit"
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
+++++++++++++++++++
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in
court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked,
"Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled
up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."
+++++++++++++++++++
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a
camp fire with a whole book of matches?
Monday, November 13, 2006
hYUNIR Fir Niv, 13th
A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with
his father. So mush so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.
On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing,
the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"
+++++++++++++++++++
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence
to remember the faithful dead...
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his
father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that
rule when Jesus was born." - Elayne Boosler
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tow Request"
The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher."
"I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."
+++++++++++++++++++
School Homework Policy
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should
be budgeted in the following manner:
• 15 minutes looking for assignment
• 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
• 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children
• 8 minutes in the bathroom
• 10 minutes getting a snack
• 7 minutes checking the TV Guide
• 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment
• 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment
LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS
These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long
term". It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30PM and ends
at 11:50PM - or later. It is important that the whole family is involved in
the project. It is imperative that at least one family member races to
Walmart/KMart for posterboard, and that at least one family member ends up
in tears (does not have to be the student).
One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent
needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
"Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/"
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
+++++++++++++++++++
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and
current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?______________________________
If No, EXPLAIN ______________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________
_______________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That
means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________
c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
AND RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your
application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might
want to watch your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?:
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
his father. So mush so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.
On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing,
the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"
+++++++++++++++++++
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence
to remember the faithful dead...
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his
father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that
rule when Jesus was born." - Elayne Boosler
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tow Request"
The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher."
"I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."
+++++++++++++++++++
School Homework Policy
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should
be budgeted in the following manner:
• 15 minutes looking for assignment
• 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
• 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children
• 8 minutes in the bathroom
• 10 minutes getting a snack
• 7 minutes checking the TV Guide
• 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment
• 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment
LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS
These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long
term". It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30PM and ends
at 11:50PM - or later. It is important that the whole family is involved in
the project. It is imperative that at least one family member races to
Walmart/KMart for posterboard, and that at least one family member ends up
in tears (does not have to be the student).
One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent
needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
"Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/"
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
+++++++++++++++++++
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and
current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?______________________________
If No, EXPLAIN ______________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________
_______________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That
means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________
c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
AND RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your
application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might
want to watch your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?:
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
Sunday, November 12, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 12th
"Last One Comeback"
A widow, recently married to a widower, was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more," the other woman replied.
"What stopped him?" asked the first.
"I started talking about my next husband," replied the second woman.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
- Galileo Galilei
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?"
Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"
+++++++++++++++++++
While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA
system:
"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no ID.
Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer
service counter?"
+++++++++++++++++++
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back
during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're
outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
+++++++++++++++++++
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you
can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for
dinner." - Scott E. Frank
A widow, recently married to a widower, was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more," the other woman replied.
"What stopped him?" asked the first.
"I started talking about my next husband," replied the second woman.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
- Galileo Galilei
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?"
Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"
+++++++++++++++++++
While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA
system:
"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no ID.
Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer
service counter?"
+++++++++++++++++++
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back
during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're
outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
+++++++++++++++++++
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you
can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for
dinner." - Scott E. Frank
Saturday, November 11, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 11th
"Friendly Golf"
Two friends were beginning a game of golf.
The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball, and scored a hole-in-one.
The other man said, "Now I'll take MY practice swing, and then we'll start the game."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says, "Pretend it's your IQ."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Payment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
+++++++++++++++++++
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at
Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess
hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he
sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this
mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked,
"What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates
yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Sleep-talking
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions;
his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back,
"Four fifty!"
Two friends were beginning a game of golf.
The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball, and scored a hole-in-one.
The other man said, "Now I'll take MY practice swing, and then we'll start the game."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says, "Pretend it's your IQ."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Payment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
+++++++++++++++++++
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at
Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess
hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he
sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this
mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked,
"What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates
yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Sleep-talking
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions;
his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back,
"Four fifty!"
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