As I was packing for my business trip, my three-year-old
daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At
one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out
two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your
fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the
room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said,
"What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
+++++++++++++++++++
This project is so important that we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it.
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband and I discovered that our 16 year old son, Andrew, was checking
the calls on our answering machine but neglecting to give us our messages.
Because I knew he'd listen to the message, I decided one day at the office
to leave him a reminder on our machine to take out the trash.
When I got home, the trash was out. Oh, and Andrew no longer checks the
answering machine.
+++++++++++++++++++
My SCUBA instructor always stressed that you should never go diving alone.
If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you run out of
air, your buddy can help you. If you meet an aggressive shark, your odds are
50-50 instead of 100%.
+++++++++++++++++++
There is a guaranteed way to get what you want. Want less.
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Warning
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow
his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the grocery store,
which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she
departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will
print your age."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Memory Improvement"
I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this "slippage", I went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.
After an hour I slipped out, I took the same course, given by the same professor, last year.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man."
- Heraclitus
+++++++++++++++++++
"Organization"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
"I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was cleaning, I found the same stupid book. I had bought it a couple of years ago!"
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 30th
"Morning Pills"
This morning, before I had my first cup of coffee and chased the cob webs from my brain, there was a bit of a mess-up with the pills on the kitchen counter.
I wish to announce to any of those interested that I shall now be heartworm-free for the next 30 days.
+++++++++++++++++++
I SELDOM INCLUDE A JOKE WHERE YOU HAVE TO GO TO A WEBSITE TO GET THE hUMOR BUT THIS ONE IS WORTH IT.
Good test for your vision!
www.myschool.com/SWF/ColorBlind2.swf
+++++++++++++++++++
A four-year-old was explaining the story of the Fallen Angels to his younger
brother.
"One day up in heaven God said to the angels, 'Pick up your toys.' Some
angels said, 'We won't,' and so God started hell."
+++++++++++++++++++
A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of
Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of
the grave?"
The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.
The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said: He said,
'Tah-dah!'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
This morning, before I had my first cup of coffee and chased the cob webs from my brain, there was a bit of a mess-up with the pills on the kitchen counter.
I wish to announce to any of those interested that I shall now be heartworm-free for the next 30 days.
+++++++++++++++++++
I SELDOM INCLUDE A JOKE WHERE YOU HAVE TO GO TO A WEBSITE TO GET THE hUMOR BUT THIS ONE IS WORTH IT.
Good test for your vision!
www.myschool.com/SWF/ColorBlind2.swf
+++++++++++++++++++
A four-year-old was explaining the story of the Fallen Angels to his younger
brother.
"One day up in heaven God said to the angels, 'Pick up your toys.' Some
angels said, 'We won't,' and so God started hell."
+++++++++++++++++++
A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of
Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of
the grave?"
The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.
The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said: He said,
'Tah-dah!'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 29th
"Gated Community"
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.
"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.
"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Appraisals"
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
Received from Daniel Galvin.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiss Goodbye
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like
to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago,
and I don't have any cash left on me."
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.
"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.
"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Appraisals"
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
Received from Daniel Galvin.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiss Goodbye
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like
to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago,
and I don't have any cash left on me."
hUMOR For Oct. 29th
"Gated Community"
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.
"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.
"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Appraisals"
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
Received from Daniel Galvin.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiss Goodbye
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like
to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago,
and I don't have any cash left on me."
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.
"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.
"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Appraisals"
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
Received from Daniel Galvin.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiss Goodbye
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like
to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago,
and I don't have any cash left on me."
Saturday, October 28, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 28th
Proposal
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
hUMOR For Oct. 28th
Proposal
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
hUMOR For Oct. 28th
Proposal
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
hUMOR For Oct. 28th
Proposal
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As
he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lost Baggage"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Poet"
A backward poet writes inverse.
+++++++++++++++++++
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Kiss
Cabbie speaks nun–sense…
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK," the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child," said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
The nun says, “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Children's Science Exam Answers
Do you flirt with your water supply?
Have you got intercontinental bowels?
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Oxygin is pure gin; hydrogen is water.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Friday, October 27, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 27th
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the
street from the old established hair cutter's place.
The owners of the new salon put up a big bold sign that
read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own
sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa
was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an
empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked
at the young man and thought This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if
he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from
this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish
district.
On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew
in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and
Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to
Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many
Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the
Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow
like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The
Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.
But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married
a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a
businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that
his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from
Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed
his name.
What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to
change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A
doctorate from the University.
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do,
Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. But how is it
that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."
+++++++++++++++++++
At times I was asked to provide references for former employees by companies
considering hiring them. On one firm's form was the question: "Was this
person a steady worker?"
Since the guy was a well known do-nothing, I entered in the space provided,
"Not just steady, but motionless."
+++++++++++++++++++
Parachuting
On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made
an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you're at 300 feet."
One student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"?
"A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people
on the ground."
She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if
there's no one there I know"?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Facilities Memo"
My colleagues and I recently received this email from the facilities department:
"Due to construction, your office may be either cooler or warmer than usual on Tuesday.
Please dress accordingly."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"God does not ask your ability or your inability. He asks only your availability."
- Mary Kay Ash
+++++++++++++++++++
"Forgiveness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I recently overheard a boss talking to one of his employees at a restaurant recently. "Was your wife mad when you got home so late last night?" the boss asked.
"Yes, she was plumb historical," the employee replied.
"Don't you mean hysterical?"
"No, I mean historical. She brought up things that happened forty years ago."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Electricity can be dangerous. I once watched my nephew try to stick a penny
into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across
that floor. I told him he was grounded." - Tim Allen
street from the old established hair cutter's place.
The owners of the new salon put up a big bold sign that
read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own
sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa
was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an
empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked
at the young man and thought This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if
he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from
this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish
district.
On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew
in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and
Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to
Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many
Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the
Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow
like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The
Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.
But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married
a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a
businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that
his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from
Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed
his name.
What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to
change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A
doctorate from the University.
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do,
Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. But how is it
that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."
+++++++++++++++++++
At times I was asked to provide references for former employees by companies
considering hiring them. On one firm's form was the question: "Was this
person a steady worker?"
Since the guy was a well known do-nothing, I entered in the space provided,
"Not just steady, but motionless."
+++++++++++++++++++
Parachuting
On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made
an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you're at 300 feet."
One student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"?
"A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people
on the ground."
She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if
there's no one there I know"?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Facilities Memo"
My colleagues and I recently received this email from the facilities department:
"Due to construction, your office may be either cooler or warmer than usual on Tuesday.
Please dress accordingly."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"God does not ask your ability or your inability. He asks only your availability."
- Mary Kay Ash
+++++++++++++++++++
"Forgiveness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I recently overheard a boss talking to one of his employees at a restaurant recently. "Was your wife mad when you got home so late last night?" the boss asked.
"Yes, she was plumb historical," the employee replied.
"Don't you mean hysterical?"
"No, I mean historical. She brought up things that happened forty years ago."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Electricity can be dangerous. I once watched my nephew try to stick a penny
into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across
that floor. I told him he was grounded." - Tim Allen
Thursday, October 26, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 26th
Soccer Identity?
My 3 year old son recently had his first soccer game. The team
consisted of 3- and 4-year olds, many of whom our son did not
know. We took plenty of pictures, and after the game we used the
photos to help him learn the names of his new friends and coaches.
"Who is this?" I asked pointing at one little boy.
"That's my friend Mason" came the reply.
"That's right! And who is this?" I asked pointing at a little girl.
"I don't know," came the reply.
"That's Madison. And who is this?" I asked pointing at Madison's
daddy, the coach.
"I don't know," came the reply.
"That's Coach Juan. And who is this?" I asked pointing at Mason's
mommy, Paige, the assistant coach.
In a small tentative voice the reply came,
"Coach Two?"
+++++++++++++++++++
There was once a small rural community--so small, in fact,
that the only church in town was a small Baptist church
whose pastor had to double up as the local barber to make
ends meet.
A man living in this small community had invested wisely and
was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed
one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the
mirror as he was about to shave and said to himself, "I make
enough money now that I don't have to shave myself. I'll go
down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he
did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber
was out calling on shut-ins. The barber's wife, Grace, said,
"I usually do the shaves anyway. Sit down and I'll shave
you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"Twenty-five dollars," Grace replied. The man thought that
was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave
every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his
way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as
smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he
thought. Well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's
bottom. Wow! he thought. It amazed him, as he normally would
need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the
minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed,
the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day, the pastor was in, and the man asked
him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it
was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently explained, "Friend, you were
shaved by Grace, and once shaved, always shaved."
+++++++++++++++++++
There was once a small rural community--so small, in fact,
That the only church in town was a small Baptist church
Whose pastor had to double up as the local barber to make
Ends meet.
A man living in this small community had invested wisely and
Was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed
One day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the
Mirror as he was about to shave and said to himself, "I make
Enough money now that I don't have to shave myself. I'll go
Down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he
Did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber
Was out calling on shut-ins. The barber's wife, Grace, said,
"I usually do the shaves anyway. Sit down and I'll shave
You." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"Twenty-five dollars," Grace replied. The man thought that
Was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave
Every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his
Way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as
Smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he
Thought. Well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's
Bottom. Wow! He thought. It amazed him, as he normally would
Need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the
Minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed,
The man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day, the pastor was in, and the man asked
Him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it
Was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently explained, "Friend, you were
Shaved by Grace, and once shaved, always shaved."
My 3 year old son recently had his first soccer game. The team
consisted of 3- and 4-year olds, many of whom our son did not
know. We took plenty of pictures, and after the game we used the
photos to help him learn the names of his new friends and coaches.
"Who is this?" I asked pointing at one little boy.
"That's my friend Mason" came the reply.
"That's right! And who is this?" I asked pointing at a little girl.
"I don't know," came the reply.
"That's Madison. And who is this?" I asked pointing at Madison's
daddy, the coach.
"I don't know," came the reply.
"That's Coach Juan. And who is this?" I asked pointing at Mason's
mommy, Paige, the assistant coach.
In a small tentative voice the reply came,
"Coach Two?"
+++++++++++++++++++
There was once a small rural community--so small, in fact,
that the only church in town was a small Baptist church
whose pastor had to double up as the local barber to make
ends meet.
A man living in this small community had invested wisely and
was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed
one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the
mirror as he was about to shave and said to himself, "I make
enough money now that I don't have to shave myself. I'll go
down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he
did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber
was out calling on shut-ins. The barber's wife, Grace, said,
"I usually do the shaves anyway. Sit down and I'll shave
you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"Twenty-five dollars," Grace replied. The man thought that
was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave
every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his
way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as
smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he
thought. Well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's
bottom. Wow! he thought. It amazed him, as he normally would
need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the
minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed,
the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day, the pastor was in, and the man asked
him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it
was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently explained, "Friend, you were
shaved by Grace, and once shaved, always shaved."
+++++++++++++++++++
There was once a small rural community--so small, in fact,
That the only church in town was a small Baptist church
Whose pastor had to double up as the local barber to make
Ends meet.
A man living in this small community had invested wisely and
Was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed
One day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the
Mirror as he was about to shave and said to himself, "I make
Enough money now that I don't have to shave myself. I'll go
Down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he
Did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber
Was out calling on shut-ins. The barber's wife, Grace, said,
"I usually do the shaves anyway. Sit down and I'll shave
You." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"Twenty-five dollars," Grace replied. The man thought that
Was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave
Every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his
Way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as
Smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he
Thought. Well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's
Bottom. Wow! He thought. It amazed him, as he normally would
Need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the
Minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed,
The man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day, the pastor was in, and the man asked
Him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it
Was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently explained, "Friend, you were
Shaved by Grace, and once shaved, always shaved."
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
hUMOR For Oc. 25th
Safety at Work
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work.
So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.
"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in
our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped
up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"
+++++++++++++++++++
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes,
they'd come up sliced.
I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just
wasted.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words
were taken.
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose
wives think they are out having fun.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in
baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and
write down five.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and
you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf
course.
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what
you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very
close to having a perfect golf swing.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up
the wrong golf ball.
It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while
they are still rolling.
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with
implements ill-adapted for the purpose.
Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you
can't improve your lie.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music
comes out of a bagpipe.
+++++++++++++++++++
Eric had been a waiter ever since he was in high school. Now in his fifties,
he still served people their meals in the same restaurant he loved so
dearly. One day, though, Eric suffered a fatal heart attack.
His grief-stricken wife, Fannie, was also a firm believer in spiritualism,
and was certain that she would be able to talk to her departed husband's
spirit. For months she attempted to contact him through an assorted number
of psychics and spiritualists, but all to no avail.
One night, while thinking it over, she realized that the reason she had so
much trouble was because his spirit would remain haunting the place where he
spent most of his time: the restaurant! She called up the restaurant and
spoke to his old boss. The man, willing to do anything to comfort a late
employee's widow, agreed to let her stage a séance at the restaurant
after closing time.
The night of the séance, Fannie sat at a table, clearing her mind, and
softly she spoke: "Eric, can you hear me?"
"Hello, Fannie. How's by you?" came the unmistakable sound of Eric's voice.
"Eric, I can barely hear you. Could you speak a little louder?"
"I can't speak louder. It was always bad for my heart and look what happened
when I did!"
"Well, can you move a little closer to me?"
"No, that I cannot do."
"Why not?"
"That's not my table."
+++++++++++++++++++
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had
a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her,
its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to
the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns
longer." -Victor Borge
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pole Power"
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house. They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot for the pole. I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in the middle of my driveway.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Wills"
A person's last will and testament is a dead giveaway.
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work.
So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.
"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in
our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped
up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"
+++++++++++++++++++
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes,
they'd come up sliced.
I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just
wasted.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words
were taken.
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose
wives think they are out having fun.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in
baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and
write down five.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and
you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf
course.
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what
you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very
close to having a perfect golf swing.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up
the wrong golf ball.
It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while
they are still rolling.
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with
implements ill-adapted for the purpose.
Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you
can't improve your lie.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music
comes out of a bagpipe.
+++++++++++++++++++
Eric had been a waiter ever since he was in high school. Now in his fifties,
he still served people their meals in the same restaurant he loved so
dearly. One day, though, Eric suffered a fatal heart attack.
His grief-stricken wife, Fannie, was also a firm believer in spiritualism,
and was certain that she would be able to talk to her departed husband's
spirit. For months she attempted to contact him through an assorted number
of psychics and spiritualists, but all to no avail.
One night, while thinking it over, she realized that the reason she had so
much trouble was because his spirit would remain haunting the place where he
spent most of his time: the restaurant! She called up the restaurant and
spoke to his old boss. The man, willing to do anything to comfort a late
employee's widow, agreed to let her stage a séance at the restaurant
after closing time.
The night of the séance, Fannie sat at a table, clearing her mind, and
softly she spoke: "Eric, can you hear me?"
"Hello, Fannie. How's by you?" came the unmistakable sound of Eric's voice.
"Eric, I can barely hear you. Could you speak a little louder?"
"I can't speak louder. It was always bad for my heart and look what happened
when I did!"
"Well, can you move a little closer to me?"
"No, that I cannot do."
"Why not?"
"That's not my table."
+++++++++++++++++++
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had
a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her,
its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to
the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns
longer." -Victor Borge
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pole Power"
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house. They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot for the pole. I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in the middle of my driveway.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Wills"
A person's last will and testament is a dead giveaway.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 24th
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved
auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled,
"Fore!"
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat,
yelled back, "Four fifty!"
+++++++++++++++++++
I desperately need some wise advice which will recommend that I do what I
want to do.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fearless Leader"
As a professor at Texas A & M, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an on-line team.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!"
- Maya Angelou
+++++++++++++++++++
Culture"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A young man, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave. The young man walked up to the Chinese man and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"
The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."
+++++++++++++++++++
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago & Montreal
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York & Toronto
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey & Ottawa
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California; or Saskatoon, but driving in Toronto
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy & Quebec City
8. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic Seattle & Vancouver
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas & Red Deer
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia & Prince George
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida & Victoria
12. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scraper in hand out front window scraping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing "Share The Land", hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: Winnipeg
13. One knee/thigh on steering wheel of SUV, cell phone tucked under chin, two hands giving the Italian salute, head alternating between screaming at kids in the back seat and mouthing obscenities at traffic while maneuvering through a Tim Horton's drive thru for breakfast: Mississauga
auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled,
"Fore!"
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat,
yelled back, "Four fifty!"
+++++++++++++++++++
I desperately need some wise advice which will recommend that I do what I
want to do.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fearless Leader"
As a professor at Texas A & M, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an on-line team.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!"
- Maya Angelou
+++++++++++++++++++
Culture"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A young man, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave. The young man walked up to the Chinese man and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"
The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."
+++++++++++++++++++
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago & Montreal
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York & Toronto
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey & Ottawa
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California; or Saskatoon, but driving in Toronto
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy & Quebec City
8. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic Seattle & Vancouver
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas & Red Deer
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia & Prince George
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida & Victoria
12. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scraper in hand out front window scraping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing "Share The Land", hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: Winnipeg
13. One knee/thigh on steering wheel of SUV, cell phone tucked under chin, two hands giving the Italian salute, head alternating between screaming at kids in the back seat and mouthing obscenities at traffic while maneuvering through a Tim Horton's drive thru for breakfast: Mississauga
Monday, October 23, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 23rd
I had an extended tour of duty in Okinawa in 1958 and was unable to bring my
wife and children with me. After I had been overseas eight months, I
received a letter from my seven-year-old son.
"Dear Dad," he wrote. "I guess Mom has told you we've got a new pop named
John."
I was relieved to learn he had made a spelling error. He was referring to
the recently named Pope John XXIII.
+++++++++++++++++++
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to Little
Johnny. "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie."
"If you don't mind, Ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank
her for two pies?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear God; I have a problem. It's me.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Vendor Problem"
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Applause"
A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me all the way up here."
Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming. They won't start the movie unless we have ten paying people or more."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"My favorite party game is 'Pin the Cleanup on the Guests.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Three Chairs"
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. "Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.
"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"
wife and children with me. After I had been overseas eight months, I
received a letter from my seven-year-old son.
"Dear Dad," he wrote. "I guess Mom has told you we've got a new pop named
John."
I was relieved to learn he had made a spelling error. He was referring to
the recently named Pope John XXIII.
+++++++++++++++++++
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to Little
Johnny. "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie."
"If you don't mind, Ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank
her for two pies?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear God; I have a problem. It's me.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Vendor Problem"
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Applause"
A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me all the way up here."
Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming. They won't start the movie unless we have ten paying people or more."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"My favorite party game is 'Pin the Cleanup on the Guests.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Three Chairs"
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. "Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.
"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"
Sunday, October 22, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 22nd
"Talking Surprise"
On a hot summer day, a farmer and his dog were riding in a wagon pulled by two horses. After riding several miles, one of the horses said, "Whew, sure is hot today."
The farmer, obviously surprised, said aloud, "Wow, I didn't know that horse could talk!"
The dog replied, "Neither did I."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your behind thrown in jail if you really tried them.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Discipleship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe, shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
+++++++++++++++++++
A backwoodsman dragged his protesting son to a new school which had just
opened in a nearby village. When they arrived, he took his son to see the
teacher. "Howdy," said the hillbilly. "This here's my son, Arthur. Now what
kind of learnin' are you teachin'?"
"Oh, all the usual subjects," said the teacher, nodding at the boy.
"Reading, writing, arithmetic, algebra, geometry, and trigonometry."
"Trigonometry!" cried the delighted backwoodsman. "That's just what my boy
needs. He's the worst shot in the family."
+++++++++++++++++++
In our research and development organization, the boss was a stickler for
arriving on time, and everyone was required to sign in. Promptly at 8:30
a.m., a red line was drawn across the sheet and latecomers had to sign
beneath it. Dennis, a brilliant mathematician, often had to sign beneath the
red line.
One rainy morning while Dennis was signing in, a gruff voice behind him
said, "Late again, eh?"
Dennis turned to find the boss standing in a dripping raincoat. "Yes, sir,"
Dennis replied. "So am I."
+++++++++++++++++++
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the law.
On a hot summer day, a farmer and his dog were riding in a wagon pulled by two horses. After riding several miles, one of the horses said, "Whew, sure is hot today."
The farmer, obviously surprised, said aloud, "Wow, I didn't know that horse could talk!"
The dog replied, "Neither did I."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your behind thrown in jail if you really tried them.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Discipleship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe, shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
+++++++++++++++++++
A backwoodsman dragged his protesting son to a new school which had just
opened in a nearby village. When they arrived, he took his son to see the
teacher. "Howdy," said the hillbilly. "This here's my son, Arthur. Now what
kind of learnin' are you teachin'?"
"Oh, all the usual subjects," said the teacher, nodding at the boy.
"Reading, writing, arithmetic, algebra, geometry, and trigonometry."
"Trigonometry!" cried the delighted backwoodsman. "That's just what my boy
needs. He's the worst shot in the family."
+++++++++++++++++++
In our research and development organization, the boss was a stickler for
arriving on time, and everyone was required to sign in. Promptly at 8:30
a.m., a red line was drawn across the sheet and latecomers had to sign
beneath it. Dennis, a brilliant mathematician, often had to sign beneath the
red line.
One rainy morning while Dennis was signing in, a gruff voice behind him
said, "Late again, eh?"
Dennis turned to find the boss standing in a dripping raincoat. "Yes, sir,"
Dennis replied. "So am I."
+++++++++++++++++++
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the law.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 21st
"Hitchhiker Problem"
John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker.
As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John
checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that
was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there!
So he slammed on the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said,
"Hand over the wallet immediately!"
The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove off.
When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the
experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John,
do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in
the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."
- Dick Gregory
+++++++++++++++++++
"Potato Problem"
One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant. Dad was
about halfway through his meal when he took a hard look at the
potato, called the waitress over and said, "This potato is bad!"
The waitress picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the
plate, then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble,
just let me know."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Part About Noon, They Got THAT Right
This technician supports a group of grocery stores, and they're in
the process of being renovated. His job: shift the equipment in the
customer service booth, and do it with a minimum of downtime.
But the renovation plans don't make that easy. "Moving the equipment
-- cash registers, PCs, Western Union and lottery machines --
normally only takes about an hour," he says. "But the old customer
service area and the new one overlapped."
"This required closing customer service for several hours while the
new counters were installed and power and data cables were pulled."
He has already been through this process at another store. That time,
it ultimately took 20 hours of work on-site, with an overnight break,
to get it all moved.
So he's skeptical when he's told everything will be ready for him
when he arrives. But the project supervisor swears that the engineers
have confirmed that all the construction will be completed by noon.
"When I arrived at the store at 11:30, I found the new customer
service counters still outside and work not yet started," he sighed.
"I started chatting with the construction lead and quickly found out why."
"The engineers had told them work could START at noon."
+++++++++++++++++++
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in
1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country
has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman... neither
works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put
it back in your pocket.
There are three kinds of men: ones that learn by reading,
few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to
pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every
now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta' the bag is a whole lot easier 'n
puttin' it back.
And finally: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion
felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a
hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're
full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
+++++++++++++++++++
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions
John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker.
As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John
checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that
was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there!
So he slammed on the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said,
"Hand over the wallet immediately!"
The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove off.
When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the
experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John,
do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in
the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."
- Dick Gregory
+++++++++++++++++++
"Potato Problem"
One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant. Dad was
about halfway through his meal when he took a hard look at the
potato, called the waitress over and said, "This potato is bad!"
The waitress picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the
plate, then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble,
just let me know."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Part About Noon, They Got THAT Right
This technician supports a group of grocery stores, and they're in
the process of being renovated. His job: shift the equipment in the
customer service booth, and do it with a minimum of downtime.
But the renovation plans don't make that easy. "Moving the equipment
-- cash registers, PCs, Western Union and lottery machines --
normally only takes about an hour," he says. "But the old customer
service area and the new one overlapped."
"This required closing customer service for several hours while the
new counters were installed and power and data cables were pulled."
He has already been through this process at another store. That time,
it ultimately took 20 hours of work on-site, with an overnight break,
to get it all moved.
So he's skeptical when he's told everything will be ready for him
when he arrives. But the project supervisor swears that the engineers
have confirmed that all the construction will be completed by noon.
"When I arrived at the store at 11:30, I found the new customer
service counters still outside and work not yet started," he sighed.
"I started chatting with the construction lead and quickly found out why."
"The engineers had told them work could START at noon."
+++++++++++++++++++
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in
1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country
has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman... neither
works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put
it back in your pocket.
There are three kinds of men: ones that learn by reading,
few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to
pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every
now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta' the bag is a whole lot easier 'n
puttin' it back.
And finally: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion
felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a
hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're
full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
+++++++++++++++++++
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions
Friday, October 20, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 20th
"Evangelist Request"
During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Action"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by his farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's friend.
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bigger Piece
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were
first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the
larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You
don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
+++++++++++++++++++
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was
stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would
speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their
native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.
He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit,
making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time
to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment
leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an
eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
+++++++++++++++++++
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost
luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and
I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Foot Rule
There is a formula for figuring out how bed space is allocated. It is called
the "FootRule". You start by determining the total number of feet (as in
those at the end of the legs, not the kind made up by inches). Then you
divide that total by the number of feet belonging to the person(s) or dog(s)
in question.
This is how it works:
You and husband share your bed with 1 dog. You and your spouse total 4 feet
and the dog also has 4 feet. That is a total of 8 feet. The dog has 4 out of
8 feet or 50%, therefore, the dog gets 50% of the bed.
You could work this in reverse as well. You have 2 out of 8 feet or 25% and
so does your spouse, so each of you gets 25% and the dog gets 50%.
Now I have 5 dogs. At 4 feet per dog, that is 20 feet. Add to that my 2 feet
and we have a total of 22 feet in the bed. I have 2 out of 22 feet which is
1/11th or 9.1% of the bed. The dogs, since they share a total of 20 of 22
feet, get 10/11ths or 90.9% of the bed. Simple isn't it?!
Once I figured out my percentage of the bed space, the next step was to work
out the exact area that I am entitled to. My bed is a California King which
is approximately 6 ft x 7 ft. Here is the math:
6 ft x 7 ft = 42 square feet
42 square feet = 6048 square inches
9.1% of 6048 = 550 square inches
550 square inches = 45.8 total inches
45.8 inches = 3.8 total feet
In order to determine the exact size of my bed space, I needed to know the
percentage of length to width - this comes out to 54% long to 46% wide. When
I apply these percentages to my spot:
550 square inches x 54% = 297 square inches
550 square inches x 46% = 253 square inches
297 square inches = 24.7 inches
253 square inches = 21.1 inches
24.7 inches = 2.1 feet
21.1 inches = 1.8 feet
Now that the math's are all done, the figures show that the dimensions of my
part of the bed are 2.1 feet by 1.8 feet or in other words, I sleep on my
pillow.
+++++++++++++++++++
People who think they're out of this world make you wish they were.
During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Action"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by his farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's friend.
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bigger Piece
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were
first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the
larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You
don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
+++++++++++++++++++
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was
stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would
speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their
native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.
He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit,
making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time
to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment
leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an
eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
+++++++++++++++++++
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost
luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and
I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Foot Rule
There is a formula for figuring out how bed space is allocated. It is called
the "FootRule". You start by determining the total number of feet (as in
those at the end of the legs, not the kind made up by inches). Then you
divide that total by the number of feet belonging to the person(s) or dog(s)
in question.
This is how it works:
You and husband share your bed with 1 dog. You and your spouse total 4 feet
and the dog also has 4 feet. That is a total of 8 feet. The dog has 4 out of
8 feet or 50%, therefore, the dog gets 50% of the bed.
You could work this in reverse as well. You have 2 out of 8 feet or 25% and
so does your spouse, so each of you gets 25% and the dog gets 50%.
Now I have 5 dogs. At 4 feet per dog, that is 20 feet. Add to that my 2 feet
and we have a total of 22 feet in the bed. I have 2 out of 22 feet which is
1/11th or 9.1% of the bed. The dogs, since they share a total of 20 of 22
feet, get 10/11ths or 90.9% of the bed. Simple isn't it?!
Once I figured out my percentage of the bed space, the next step was to work
out the exact area that I am entitled to. My bed is a California King which
is approximately 6 ft x 7 ft. Here is the math:
6 ft x 7 ft = 42 square feet
42 square feet = 6048 square inches
9.1% of 6048 = 550 square inches
550 square inches = 45.8 total inches
45.8 inches = 3.8 total feet
In order to determine the exact size of my bed space, I needed to know the
percentage of length to width - this comes out to 54% long to 46% wide. When
I apply these percentages to my spot:
550 square inches x 54% = 297 square inches
550 square inches x 46% = 253 square inches
297 square inches = 24.7 inches
253 square inches = 21.1 inches
24.7 inches = 2.1 feet
21.1 inches = 1.8 feet
Now that the math's are all done, the figures show that the dimensions of my
part of the bed are 2.1 feet by 1.8 feet or in other words, I sleep on my
pillow.
+++++++++++++++++++
People who think they're out of this world make you wish they were.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 19th
Young Clergyman
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him
to better understand the fears and temptations his future
congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several
months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam
to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions, he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a
frenzied crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Ol' Spot"
(This one is long so don't sweat it if you don't have time to read it. Just skip it if you like.)
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like many women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak.
When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.
She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.
Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.
After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
I went through hypnosis to lose weight . . . how much does $120 weigh? "Intolerance"
A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.
A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over
and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would
like to play a game.
"I'll ask you a question," the scholar explained, "and if
you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a
question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50."
When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?" Flummoxed, the man
handed him $5. "Ha!" said the scholar. "It's 238,857 miles.
Now it's your turn."
The man was silent for a few moments. Then he asked, "What
goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour--but to
no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over
$50. "Okay, okay, what is the answer?" the scholar asked.
The man said, "I don't know," pulled out a $5 bill, handed
it to the scholar, and went back to sleep.
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him
to better understand the fears and temptations his future
congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several
months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam
to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions, he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a
frenzied crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Ol' Spot"
(This one is long so don't sweat it if you don't have time to read it. Just skip it if you like.)
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like many women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak.
When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.
She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.
Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.
After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
I went through hypnosis to lose weight . . . how much does $120 weigh? "Intolerance"
A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.
A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over
and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would
like to play a game.
"I'll ask you a question," the scholar explained, "and if
you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a
question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50."
When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?" Flummoxed, the man
handed him $5. "Ha!" said the scholar. "It's 238,857 miles.
Now it's your turn."
The man was silent for a few moments. Then he asked, "What
goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour--but to
no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over
$50. "Okay, okay, what is the answer?" the scholar asked.
The man said, "I don't know," pulled out a $5 bill, handed
it to the scholar, and went back to sleep.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 18th
"Crash Report"
As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available.
I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed off a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field and hit another tree.
Then I lost control of the plane."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Judge everything by appearances and nobody would ever eat an oyster."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Honesty"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the king until he called for
silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew
the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a
half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh, sire, do not spill innocent
blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must
marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the
king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother-in-law."
+++++++++++++++++++
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven
year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed
them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside
and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over
his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you
should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other
beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
+++++++++++++++++++
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven
year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed
them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside
and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over
his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you
should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other
beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pride is something we have. Vanity is something others have.
+++++++++++++++++++
Birds of a feather flock together and **** on your car.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice?
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice?
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available.
I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed off a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field and hit another tree.
Then I lost control of the plane."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Judge everything by appearances and nobody would ever eat an oyster."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Honesty"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the king until he called for
silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew
the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a
half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh, sire, do not spill innocent
blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must
marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the
king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother-in-law."
+++++++++++++++++++
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven
year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed
them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside
and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over
his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you
should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other
beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
+++++++++++++++++++
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven
year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed
them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside
and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over
his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you
should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other
beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pride is something we have. Vanity is something others have.
+++++++++++++++++++
Birds of a feather flock together and **** on your car.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice?
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice?
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 17th
I always thought that the Air Traffic Controllers had a wicked sense of humour...
I sure hope I didn't send this out b4 cuz I've had it quite a while.
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Saudi Air 911-You are cleared to land east-bound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R--Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.--Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air:
"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE" !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC:
"Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us - ya hear?
+++++++++++++++++++
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped
promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? You
were going mighty fast there, Father."
The priest says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin. We wanted to see
how it runs."
The policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket.
Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. The Savior is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not
allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very
close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball,
and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the
fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His
opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked, "Father, that is the
most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is
not.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Towel Misunderstanding"
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Birth Registration"
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son. The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm self unemployed.
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Clean those restrooms
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
+++++++++++++++++++
Helping an overweight blonde
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
I sure hope I didn't send this out b4 cuz I've had it quite a while.
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Saudi Air 911-You are cleared to land east-bound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R--Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.--Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air:
"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE" !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC:
"Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us - ya hear?
+++++++++++++++++++
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped
promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? You
were going mighty fast there, Father."
The priest says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin. We wanted to see
how it runs."
The policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket.
Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. The Savior is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not
allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very
close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball,
and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the
fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His
opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked, "Father, that is the
most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is
not.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Towel Misunderstanding"
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Birth Registration"
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son. The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm self unemployed.
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Clean those restrooms
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
+++++++++++++++++++
Helping an overweight blonde
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Monday, October 16, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 16th
I always thought that the Air Traffic Controllers had a wicked sense of humour...
I sure hope I didn't send this out b4 cuz I've had it quite a while.
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Saudi Air 911-You are cleared to land east-bound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R--Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.--Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air:
"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE" !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC:
"Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us - ya hear?
+++++++++++++++++++
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped
promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? You
were going mighty fast there, Father."
The priest says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin. We wanted to see
how it runs."
The policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket.
Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. The Savior is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not
allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very
close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball,
and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the
fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His
opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked, "Father, that is the
most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is
not.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Towel Misunderstanding"
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Birth Registration"
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son. The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
I sure hope I didn't send this out b4 cuz I've had it quite a while.
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Saudi Air 911-You are cleared to land east-bound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R--Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.--Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air:
"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE" !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC:
"Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us - ya hear?
+++++++++++++++++++
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped
promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? You
were going mighty fast there, Father."
The priest says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin. We wanted to see
how it runs."
The policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket.
Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. The Savior is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not
allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very
close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball,
and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the
fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His
opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked, "Father, that is the
most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is
not.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Towel Misunderstanding"
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Birth Registration"
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son. The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
Sunday, October 15, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 15th
For our honeymoon my fiancée and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its
luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk
inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"
"Yes, it's our honeymoon," I replied.
"How many adults will there be?" she asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow
their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at
the same time.
"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained. "Why are you
still doing your folks' yard?"
"Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to keep a
straight face.
I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.
+++++++++++++++++++
My life is based on a true story.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it
would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot
mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into
account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He
walked."
+++++++++++++++++++
Philosophers always arrive at the same conclusion: I don't know.
+++++++++++++++++++
In this part of Texas, we are in the middle of the dog days of summer with temps over 100º .....
It is so hot and dry that...
The Baptists have started sprinkling,
The Methodists are using a wet wash cloth,
The Presbyterians are giving rain checks and,
The Catholics are turning wine back in to water.
Now friends, that is DRY.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Conch Sale"
In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out.
I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out then finally bought it. "That will look great in your home," I said.
"Oh it is not for me," she explained. "My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring in the most hideous thing we can find. What I've got here is a winner."
luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk
inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"
"Yes, it's our honeymoon," I replied.
"How many adults will there be?" she asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow
their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at
the same time.
"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained. "Why are you
still doing your folks' yard?"
"Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to keep a
straight face.
I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.
+++++++++++++++++++
My life is based on a true story.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it
would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot
mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into
account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He
walked."
+++++++++++++++++++
Philosophers always arrive at the same conclusion: I don't know.
+++++++++++++++++++
In this part of Texas, we are in the middle of the dog days of summer with temps over 100º .....
It is so hot and dry that...
The Baptists have started sprinkling,
The Methodists are using a wet wash cloth,
The Presbyterians are giving rain checks and,
The Catholics are turning wine back in to water.
Now friends, that is DRY.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Conch Sale"
In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out.
I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out then finally bought it. "That will look great in your home," I said.
"Oh it is not for me," she explained. "My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring in the most hideous thing we can find. What I've got here is a winner."
Saturday, October 14, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 14th
"Wireless Security"
How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:
"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture." - Jacquelyn Mitchard
+++++++++++++++++++
"Escalator"
My wife recently came home from shopping with an escalator.
She'll buy anything marked down!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Wedding Anniversary
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for
their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there
is no 'I' in the word `marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
+++++++++++++++++++
The other superheroes were getting tired of Flatulence man always blaming
his mysterious side-kick Captain Invisible.
+++++++++++++++++++
"A Dollar Per Point"
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed their tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back. That student got his test back and $64 change.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Disappointment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I bought a box of self-improvement tapes-- "How To Handle Disappointment."
I got it home and the box was empty.
+++++++++++++++++++
Rank Explanation
My brother was home on leave from his post in Hawaii. He announced
that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all
pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about
military rankings, especially those of the Navy, asked him to explain
what the promotion meant.
After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and
said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, but now I'm Frank Burns."
Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.
How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:
"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture." - Jacquelyn Mitchard
+++++++++++++++++++
"Escalator"
My wife recently came home from shopping with an escalator.
She'll buy anything marked down!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Wedding Anniversary
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for
their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there
is no 'I' in the word `marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
+++++++++++++++++++
The other superheroes were getting tired of Flatulence man always blaming
his mysterious side-kick Captain Invisible.
+++++++++++++++++++
"A Dollar Per Point"
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed their tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back. That student got his test back and $64 change.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Disappointment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I bought a box of self-improvement tapes-- "How To Handle Disappointment."
I got it home and the box was empty.
+++++++++++++++++++
Rank Explanation
My brother was home on leave from his post in Hawaii. He announced
that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all
pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about
military rankings, especially those of the Navy, asked him to explain
what the promotion meant.
After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and
said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, but now I'm Frank Burns."
Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.
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