"Heredity"
Father, Mother and their 3 sons, John (the oldest), Mike (middle) and Steve (youngest) are conversing around the table after dinner. The subject of traits of parents being passed on to children comes up.
The Father says, "John has my eyes, Mike has my creativity, and Steve has my intelligence."
Steve responds, "Daddy, what's intelligence?"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Chicken"
A chicken crossing the road is "poultry in motion."
++++++++++++++++++
Old Maserati
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy,
Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven
it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement
parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses
ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed
Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry
any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he
replied. "Oil."
++++++++++++++++++
A man has an hour before his flight to Los Angeles. He
decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and
sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty
whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself
to the nervous guy and buys him a drink.
The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"
The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I
j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're
g-going to d-die."
"Is this your first time flying?"
"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my
job."
"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive
cross-country?"
"H-he would never l-let me do that."
"Why not?" asks the man.
The nervous guy replies, "B-because I'm the p-pilot."
++++++++++++++++++
An old country farmer had a teenage son, Dan, and it was
getting time Dan should give some thought to
choosing a profession. Like many young men, Dan
didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't
seem too concerned about it.
One day, while Dan was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into Dan's
room and placed on his study table three objects:
a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old farmer
said to himself, "and when he comes home from school
this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If
it's the Bible, he's going to be a farmer like me,
and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the
dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would
be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's
going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord,
what a shame that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's
footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed
for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as
he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on
the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect
them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it
under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and
dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna
be a Ted Kennedy Democrat!"
++++++++++++++++++
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a
sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in old Dan's front
yard.
Old Dan, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole and bury all of the politicians. A few hours later,
the local sheriff came by to investigate, saw the crashed bus and asked old
Dan where all the politicians had gone. Old Dan said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked old Dan, "Were they ALL dead?" Old Dan replied, "Well,
some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
++++++++++++++++++
Crime and Punishment
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime.
Their sentence was to spend a few years in the desert. The judge said
that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade
whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?"
The man replied, "If it gets too hot, I can roll down the window."
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 30th
Not Feeling Well
My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.
"Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing,
by the way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
++++++++++++++++++
"Brotherly Chores"
Drew and Timmy were brothers. One day Mom and Dad had to go into town. Dad told Drew, "While we are gone I want you boys to clear away the dirty dishes, clean your room, and mow the grass."
When they returned nothing had been done. Dad was very upset. He asked Drew, "What have you been doing while we were gone?"
Drew replied in a low voice, "Nothing."
Dad then turns to Timmy and asks, "What have you been doing?"
Timmy replied, "Helping Drew."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody else has thought."
-Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi
++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Change"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled to accommodate professional offices. One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over the phone.
"Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll find us in the meat department."
++++++++++++++++++
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved
to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I
called a local pizza shop for a delivery.
"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said,
then gave him the address of our condominium.
"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other
end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
++++++++++++++++++
Many of us "Old Folks" are quite confused about how we should present
ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the
fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon
the world. So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the
results.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do
not go together:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker
With these guidelines I'm sure we'll all be looking good.
++++++++++++++++++
Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a
diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.
"Excuse me," she said to the saleslady behind the counter, "Will a small
deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"
++++++++++++++++++
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit
with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's
relativity." - Albert Einstein
++++++++++++++++++
Growing up
Little motor: "Grandpa, why do you have 4 wires and I only have two?"
Big motor: "That's just a phase that's going through you."
Photon relations
One photon to another: I am sick and tired of your interference.
I wrote this many years ago for the sci.optics news group, so it must be public domain by now.
Luck
A man was complaining about his life to his clergyman.
"I was a hard-working clerk making $30,000 per year. I was frugal, living carefully, saving my money, and I was happy and content.
Then one day I fell in with some shady characters and I got suckered into a high-stakes poker game. That was my ruin. Now I am anxious, stressed, and miserable."
His friend says "So you fell into temptation and lost all your savings?"
"No, I won, and like a fool I bought this lousy internet company."
Lesson
As Entrepreneurs we tend to want to teach our children the lessons that we have learned. Sometimes this is confusing to them. One entrepreneur sat his four year old son down and said
"It's time for your lesson." What's two plus two?
The little boy said "Two plus two is Six."
"No, son," his father said, two plus two is not six. "Two plus two is four."
"I'm sorry, father," said the little boy. "I thought we were negotiating
Teamwork
An engineering manager was once asked his definition of "Teamwork."
He said "Teamwork is where everyone in the department is doing what I tell them without whining.
Invention
If necessity is the mother of invention, why are there so many unnecessary inventions?
This joke is in the public domain
Salt
There was the engineer that was putting sea water in his batteries without the boss knowing. He was arrested for salt-in-battery, but even though the charge wouldn't hold up, he is sitting in his cell serving an current sentence.
Contributed by Doug Elliot, used with permission
Bats
Scientists have found a way to inject Bat genes into students. They ended up with engineers who like to be kept in the dark!
Pass/Fail
A new technician was put to work on the production line test station. "Just plug in the connector and read the voltage. If the voltage reads between 3 and 4 volts it passes. If not it fails, and you put it in the "fail" bin."
After his first shift he told his supervisor "I quit."
"What is the matter?" asked the supervisor, "the work can't be that hard."
"Oh, it isn't the work, that's easy. I'm going crazy with making all those decisions."
Schedule
One manager was bragging to another. "I have a great engineer working for me. Last week I gave him a project and he stayed up for six straight days, completed the circuit board design, finished the bill of materials and wrote a thousand lines of firmware. The completed projected was on my desk when I got to work on Monday morning."
His friend asked "So how far ahead of schedule was he?"
The manager said, "Ahead of schedule? Who ever heard of an engineer doing that?"
Impressions
Why did the battery-powered branding iron fail in the marketplace?
The calves weren't impressed by it.
Sweet
What is cylindrical, sweet, brown, and has 10,000 ohms?
A chocolate-covered resistor.
Capital Equipment
An engineer walks into his boss's office and says "I want enough money to buy a new HP System Analyzer."
His boss says "Why do you need a System Analyzer?"
The engineer says "I don't, I just want that much money."
Book
I gave my nephew a book for his birthday. He went crazy trying to find where to put the batteries.
This joke is in the public domain
Repair
A lady took her CD player into the repairman. "I am afraid you have a short circuit," he told her.
She said "I don't care how much it costs, lengthen it."
This joke is in the public domain
Job Requirements
To survive as a power supply designer you need just two things--a solid technical foundation and CPR.
Car battery
I took my car to my mechanic for a checkup. He told me that my battery needs a new car.
This joke is in the public domain
Constructive Criticism
An engineer gets a call from his patent lawyer. "Good news," he says. "RCA just licensed your invention and left a check for a million dollars. Come over and sign the deal and pick up the check."
About two hours later the engineer finally shows up at the lawyer's office.
"What kept you?" said the attorney. "On the way out I decided to stop by the Chief Engineer's office and tell him what I thought of his latest circuit."
This joke is in the public domain
Shuttle Delay
The space shuttle pilot and co-pilot are sitting atop the rocket waiting for launch. Over the headphones they hear announced a ten minute delay. "Oh, no," said the pilot. The co-pilot said "no big deal, this happens all the time." The pilot said, "No, look at the monitor, they're bringing in jumper cables."
Not Perfect
A solar panel installer was up on a roof, when out of the sky a bolt of lightning strikes the roof, blowing him off the roof, across the street, and through the neighbor's picture window. He gets off the floor, turns to the startled family and says "That's the one thing I hate about this job."
This joke is in the public domain
Tags attached to laboratory equipment in the hope that it will prevent it from "walking off."
Danger: High Impedance
Warning: This device contains matter, which is known by the State of California to cause warpage of space and time.
Warning: Operate only while wearing a lead apron.
Notice: You are free to borrow this spectrum analyzer as long as you return it within 24 hours. And please let me know if you start itching or have trouble focusing your eyes while in the 100 MHz to 2 GHz range.
Fireflies
Scientists have developed a firefly that is 10,000 times brighter than a wild firefly. The only problem is that the firefly is a little disgruntled at being strapped to a five pound battery.
Lyrics to "Who let the Smoke Out."
Who let the smoke out
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
When the circuit was made, the product was sumpin' (Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo)
And everybody proud of it all (Hah, ho, Yippie Yi Yo)
I tell the fellas "start the thing pumpin" (Yippie Yi Yo)
And the plug goes in to the wall
The smoke broke show brown
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
I see a little smoke puff–makin' some toast
Lights really dim in the town
Get blame off me, shame off me
Rollout is gon' take a bit longer
My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.
"Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing,
by the way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
++++++++++++++++++
"Brotherly Chores"
Drew and Timmy were brothers. One day Mom and Dad had to go into town. Dad told Drew, "While we are gone I want you boys to clear away the dirty dishes, clean your room, and mow the grass."
When they returned nothing had been done. Dad was very upset. He asked Drew, "What have you been doing while we were gone?"
Drew replied in a low voice, "Nothing."
Dad then turns to Timmy and asks, "What have you been doing?"
Timmy replied, "Helping Drew."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody else has thought."
-Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi
++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Change"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled to accommodate professional offices. One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over the phone.
"Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll find us in the meat department."
++++++++++++++++++
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved
to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I
called a local pizza shop for a delivery.
"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said,
then gave him the address of our condominium.
"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other
end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
++++++++++++++++++
Many of us "Old Folks" are quite confused about how we should present
ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the
fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon
the world. So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the
results.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do
not go together:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker
With these guidelines I'm sure we'll all be looking good.
++++++++++++++++++
Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a
diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.
"Excuse me," she said to the saleslady behind the counter, "Will a small
deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"
++++++++++++++++++
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit
with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's
relativity." - Albert Einstein
++++++++++++++++++
Growing up
Little motor: "Grandpa, why do you have 4 wires and I only have two?"
Big motor: "That's just a phase that's going through you."
Photon relations
One photon to another: I am sick and tired of your interference.
I wrote this many years ago for the sci.optics news group, so it must be public domain by now.
Luck
A man was complaining about his life to his clergyman.
"I was a hard-working clerk making $30,000 per year. I was frugal, living carefully, saving my money, and I was happy and content.
Then one day I fell in with some shady characters and I got suckered into a high-stakes poker game. That was my ruin. Now I am anxious, stressed, and miserable."
His friend says "So you fell into temptation and lost all your savings?"
"No, I won, and like a fool I bought this lousy internet company."
Lesson
As Entrepreneurs we tend to want to teach our children the lessons that we have learned. Sometimes this is confusing to them. One entrepreneur sat his four year old son down and said
"It's time for your lesson." What's two plus two?
The little boy said "Two plus two is Six."
"No, son," his father said, two plus two is not six. "Two plus two is four."
"I'm sorry, father," said the little boy. "I thought we were negotiating
Teamwork
An engineering manager was once asked his definition of "Teamwork."
He said "Teamwork is where everyone in the department is doing what I tell them without whining.
Invention
If necessity is the mother of invention, why are there so many unnecessary inventions?
This joke is in the public domain
Salt
There was the engineer that was putting sea water in his batteries without the boss knowing. He was arrested for salt-in-battery, but even though the charge wouldn't hold up, he is sitting in his cell serving an current sentence.
Contributed by Doug Elliot, used with permission
Bats
Scientists have found a way to inject Bat genes into students. They ended up with engineers who like to be kept in the dark!
Pass/Fail
A new technician was put to work on the production line test station. "Just plug in the connector and read the voltage. If the voltage reads between 3 and 4 volts it passes. If not it fails, and you put it in the "fail" bin."
After his first shift he told his supervisor "I quit."
"What is the matter?" asked the supervisor, "the work can't be that hard."
"Oh, it isn't the work, that's easy. I'm going crazy with making all those decisions."
Schedule
One manager was bragging to another. "I have a great engineer working for me. Last week I gave him a project and he stayed up for six straight days, completed the circuit board design, finished the bill of materials and wrote a thousand lines of firmware. The completed projected was on my desk when I got to work on Monday morning."
His friend asked "So how far ahead of schedule was he?"
The manager said, "Ahead of schedule? Who ever heard of an engineer doing that?"
Impressions
Why did the battery-powered branding iron fail in the marketplace?
The calves weren't impressed by it.
Sweet
What is cylindrical, sweet, brown, and has 10,000 ohms?
A chocolate-covered resistor.
Capital Equipment
An engineer walks into his boss's office and says "I want enough money to buy a new HP System Analyzer."
His boss says "Why do you need a System Analyzer?"
The engineer says "I don't, I just want that much money."
Book
I gave my nephew a book for his birthday. He went crazy trying to find where to put the batteries.
This joke is in the public domain
Repair
A lady took her CD player into the repairman. "I am afraid you have a short circuit," he told her.
She said "I don't care how much it costs, lengthen it."
This joke is in the public domain
Job Requirements
To survive as a power supply designer you need just two things--a solid technical foundation and CPR.
Car battery
I took my car to my mechanic for a checkup. He told me that my battery needs a new car.
This joke is in the public domain
Constructive Criticism
An engineer gets a call from his patent lawyer. "Good news," he says. "RCA just licensed your invention and left a check for a million dollars. Come over and sign the deal and pick up the check."
About two hours later the engineer finally shows up at the lawyer's office.
"What kept you?" said the attorney. "On the way out I decided to stop by the Chief Engineer's office and tell him what I thought of his latest circuit."
This joke is in the public domain
Shuttle Delay
The space shuttle pilot and co-pilot are sitting atop the rocket waiting for launch. Over the headphones they hear announced a ten minute delay. "Oh, no," said the pilot. The co-pilot said "no big deal, this happens all the time." The pilot said, "No, look at the monitor, they're bringing in jumper cables."
Not Perfect
A solar panel installer was up on a roof, when out of the sky a bolt of lightning strikes the roof, blowing him off the roof, across the street, and through the neighbor's picture window. He gets off the floor, turns to the startled family and says "That's the one thing I hate about this job."
This joke is in the public domain
Tags attached to laboratory equipment in the hope that it will prevent it from "walking off."
Danger: High Impedance
Warning: This device contains matter, which is known by the State of California to cause warpage of space and time.
Warning: Operate only while wearing a lead apron.
Notice: You are free to borrow this spectrum analyzer as long as you return it within 24 hours. And please let me know if you start itching or have trouble focusing your eyes while in the 100 MHz to 2 GHz range.
Fireflies
Scientists have developed a firefly that is 10,000 times brighter than a wild firefly. The only problem is that the firefly is a little disgruntled at being strapped to a five pound battery.
Lyrics to "Who let the Smoke Out."
Who let the smoke out
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
When the circuit was made, the product was sumpin' (Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo)
And everybody proud of it all (Hah, ho, Yippie Yi Yo)
I tell the fellas "start the thing pumpin" (Yippie Yi Yo)
And the plug goes in to the wall
The smoke broke show brown
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
I see a little smoke puff–makin' some toast
Lights really dim in the town
Get blame off me, shame off me
Rollout is gon' take a bit longer
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
hUMOR For August 29th
"Parachute Training"
I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Democracy"
"Always remember -- in a democracy, your vote counts. But in a feudal system, your count votes."
++++++++++++++++++
"In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been
times like these." - Paul Harvey
++++++++++++++++++
"Orchestra Note"
While a famous orchestra was on tour, the conductor found this note under his hotel room door one night:
"I think you should know that the fellow in your band who plays the instrument that pulls in and out only bothered playing during the odd moments you were looking straight at him."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Relocation"
Village Dry Cleaners has relocated to High Street, right next door to St. Joseph's Church.
After March 1, Cleanliness Is Next to Godliness.
++++++++++++++++++
Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas.
Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a
quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He
finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the
quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the
quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his
winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his
modest winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the
lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He
tells his audiences that he will always be eternally
grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man, he
will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and
says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the
quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm
looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!"
I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Democracy"
"Always remember -- in a democracy, your vote counts. But in a feudal system, your count votes."
++++++++++++++++++
"In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been
times like these." - Paul Harvey
++++++++++++++++++
"Orchestra Note"
While a famous orchestra was on tour, the conductor found this note under his hotel room door one night:
"I think you should know that the fellow in your band who plays the instrument that pulls in and out only bothered playing during the odd moments you were looking straight at him."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Relocation"
Village Dry Cleaners has relocated to High Street, right next door to St. Joseph's Church.
After March 1, Cleanliness Is Next to Godliness.
++++++++++++++++++
Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas.
Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a
quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He
finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the
quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the
quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his
winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his
modest winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the
lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He
tells his audiences that he will always be eternally
grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man, he
will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and
says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the
quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm
looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!"
Monday, August 28, 2006
hUMOR For August 28th
One day a boy and his grandparents came to visit the 100-year-old church, a
national landmark, where I was working one summer. As they toured the
church, the grandfather was explaining some of the features, and the boy
listened attentively. Then they reached the confessional in the back.
"I know what this is!" the boy said excitedly, turning to his grandfather.
"This is time out, isn't it?"
++++++++++++++++++
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the
church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was
transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the
Municipal Golf Course."
++++++++++++++++++
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn
well."- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
++++++++++++++++++
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.... " He sighed.............."Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
Have a happy day, smiling uses fewer less than a frown
++++++++++++++++++
If you HAVE kids, you must read this (& maybe POST IT BY THE TABLE for frequent review.).
If you WERE a kid, you must read it and smile.
LAWS PERTAINING TO DESSERT
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: if you have eaten most of your meat and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or a total of six pease, eaten were I can see and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
LAWS WHEN AT TABLE
And if you are seated in your high chair or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and elbows off the table and your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk without uttering a slurp, gulp, or any other noise that should reach my eears. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for. If you will dip your blocks in the milk and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you and do not lean to one side or the other nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if sit like, your head will go into the syrup. And no, behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
ON SREAMING
Do not scream for it as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand. But I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server that the server may correct the fault. Likewise, you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face nor press your fingers to your nose. For even not I have made the fish as it should be; behold I eat it myself, yet do I not die.
++++++++++++++++++
Elk Hunting
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north
for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their
venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back,
as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane,
including the six elk. But the pilot objected and
said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you
will have to leave two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot
six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard.
The plane was the same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put
all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off
and leave the valley, the little plane could not make
it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the
other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this
is about the same place where we crashed last year."
++++++++++++++++++
Theology, kid style
1. Dear God, please put another holiday between
Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there
now. Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I
asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything
before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy
for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and
a shot. Janet
4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody
will tell me. Love, Alison
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told
you? Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven
if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all
of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4
people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of
all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like
walking on water, too. Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he
was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the
countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like
that or was it an accident? Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk
that fancy? Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in
the old days and don't do any now? Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different
summer camp this year. Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each
other so much if they each had their own rooms. It
works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never
did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are
born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha
18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will
show you my new shoes. Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do
you just know him through the business? Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better
God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am
not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the
stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with
the moon? Jeff
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
And, saving the best for last . .
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That
was really cool. Thomas
national landmark, where I was working one summer. As they toured the
church, the grandfather was explaining some of the features, and the boy
listened attentively. Then they reached the confessional in the back.
"I know what this is!" the boy said excitedly, turning to his grandfather.
"This is time out, isn't it?"
++++++++++++++++++
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the
church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was
transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the
Municipal Golf Course."
++++++++++++++++++
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn
well."- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
++++++++++++++++++
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.... " He sighed.............."Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
Have a happy day, smiling uses fewer less than a frown
++++++++++++++++++
If you HAVE kids, you must read this (& maybe POST IT BY THE TABLE for frequent review.).
If you WERE a kid, you must read it and smile.
LAWS PERTAINING TO DESSERT
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: if you have eaten most of your meat and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or a total of six pease, eaten were I can see and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
LAWS WHEN AT TABLE
And if you are seated in your high chair or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and elbows off the table and your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk without uttering a slurp, gulp, or any other noise that should reach my eears. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for. If you will dip your blocks in the milk and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you and do not lean to one side or the other nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if sit like, your head will go into the syrup. And no, behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
ON SREAMING
Do not scream for it as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand. But I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server that the server may correct the fault. Likewise, you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face nor press your fingers to your nose. For even not I have made the fish as it should be; behold I eat it myself, yet do I not die.
++++++++++++++++++
Elk Hunting
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north
for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their
venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back,
as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane,
including the six elk. But the pilot objected and
said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you
will have to leave two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot
six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard.
The plane was the same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put
all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off
and leave the valley, the little plane could not make
it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the
other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this
is about the same place where we crashed last year."
++++++++++++++++++
Theology, kid style
1. Dear God, please put another holiday between
Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there
now. Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I
asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything
before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy
for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and
a shot. Janet
4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody
will tell me. Love, Alison
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told
you? Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven
if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all
of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4
people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of
all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like
walking on water, too. Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he
was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the
countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like
that or was it an accident? Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk
that fancy? Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in
the old days and don't do any now? Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different
summer camp this year. Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each
other so much if they each had their own rooms. It
works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never
did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are
born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha
18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will
show you my new shoes. Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do
you just know him through the business? Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better
God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am
not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the
stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with
the moon? Jeff
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
And, saving the best for last . .
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That
was really cool. Thomas
Sunday, August 27, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 27th
CleanLaugh - "Kiss Good-bye"
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If you done it, it ain't bragging."
- Walt Whitman
++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Tension"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.
In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."
My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"
++++++++++++++++++
Unpaid Bill
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship
your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
++++++++++++++++++
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.
++++++++++++++++++
My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led
us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs
and asked if it could be cleaned off.
The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other
side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked,
"Did I get it all?"
++++++++++++++++++
One night at an Air Force Base in Washington, I was dispatched to check out
the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of
the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found that a raccoon was the
culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare off the animal.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and
announced loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are
cleared for takeoff."
++++++++++++++++++
"Rose Plague"
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If you done it, it ain't bragging."
- Walt Whitman
++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Tension"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.
In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."
My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"
++++++++++++++++++
Unpaid Bill
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship
your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
++++++++++++++++++
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.
++++++++++++++++++
My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led
us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs
and asked if it could be cleaned off.
The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other
side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked,
"Did I get it all?"
++++++++++++++++++
One night at an Air Force Base in Washington, I was dispatched to check out
the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of
the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found that a raccoon was the
culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare off the animal.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and
announced loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are
cleared for takeoff."
++++++++++++++++++
"Rose Plague"
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
Saturday, August 26, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 26th
+++++++++++++++++
"Job Impressions"
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.
"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.
"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."
Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"
She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gum"
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
- Mitch Hedberg
++++++++++++++++++
Cool Coffee
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered
coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that
I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a
delay. Finally, the clerk came to the window looking frustrated, and
announced, "I'm having a problem. The ice keeps melting."
++++++++++++++++++
An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car
failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items
around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas
line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back
on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his
surprise it started, and he headed for the nearest town for
a permanent repair. To celebrate his success, he lit up a
cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He
stuck his arm out the window, hoping the wind at 50 miles
per hour would put it out.
He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a
ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.
++++++++++++++++++
I hope I live to be as old as my jokes
"Job Impressions"
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.
"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.
"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."
Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"
She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gum"
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
- Mitch Hedberg
++++++++++++++++++
Cool Coffee
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered
coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that
I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a
delay. Finally, the clerk came to the window looking frustrated, and
announced, "I'm having a problem. The ice keeps melting."
++++++++++++++++++
An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car
failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items
around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas
line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back
on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his
surprise it started, and he headed for the nearest town for
a permanent repair. To celebrate his success, he lit up a
cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He
stuck his arm out the window, hoping the wind at 50 miles
per hour would put it out.
He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a
ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.
++++++++++++++++++
I hope I live to be as old as my jokes
Friday, August 25, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 25th
And Then There Was Science
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."
Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
Well," says the scientist,
"we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it,
thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
"Get your own dirt."
Amen!
++++++++++++++++++
"Snack Costs"
My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"
"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?"
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
++++++++++++++++++
"Common Sense"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend has a lifesaving tool in her car.
It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
++++++++++++++++++
A Child's View of Marriage
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time
grasping the concept of marriage. So, I got out our wedding album,
thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied,
"Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, Daddy?"
++++++++++++++++++
Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what's the matter?"
"Oh, Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have
tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis?
Ridiculous," said Abe. "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this
sorted out right now."
So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her
she has tuberculosis."
The doctor said something to Abe, and with that, Abe began
laughing. "So what's so funny about my having such a
dreadful disease?" asked Esther.
"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say you that you have
'tuberculosis,' he said you have 'too big a tuchas'!"
++++++++++++++++++
The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married
twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had
an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
++++++++++++++++++
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try
other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
++++++++++++++++++
Popeye turns 75 this year. You can tell the sailor man is getting older. He
no longer eats spinach to fight Brutus. He now does it to fight
irregularity.
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."
Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
Well," says the scientist,
"we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it,
thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
"Get your own dirt."
Amen!
++++++++++++++++++
"Snack Costs"
My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"
"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?"
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
++++++++++++++++++
"Common Sense"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend has a lifesaving tool in her car.
It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
++++++++++++++++++
A Child's View of Marriage
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time
grasping the concept of marriage. So, I got out our wedding album,
thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied,
"Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, Daddy?"
++++++++++++++++++
Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what's the matter?"
"Oh, Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have
tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis?
Ridiculous," said Abe. "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this
sorted out right now."
So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her
she has tuberculosis."
The doctor said something to Abe, and with that, Abe began
laughing. "So what's so funny about my having such a
dreadful disease?" asked Esther.
"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say you that you have
'tuberculosis,' he said you have 'too big a tuchas'!"
++++++++++++++++++
The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married
twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had
an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
++++++++++++++++++
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try
other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
++++++++++++++++++
Popeye turns 75 this year. You can tell the sailor man is getting older. He
no longer eats spinach to fight Brutus. He now does it to fight
irregularity.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 24th
TRIVIA: True or False? Chicago is nicknamed the
"Windy City" because of its blustery politicians.
Joel A. Barker said, "A leader is a person you
will follow to a place you wouldn't go by yourself."
Hmmmmm.
ANSWER AT BOTTOM
++++++++++++++++++
"Nail Biting"
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"All the world loves a lover - except people who are waiting to use the phone."
- Milton Berle
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Make-Up"
Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes.
++++++++++++++++++
Call Center
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to JLH: Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. So I called him a name. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him another name. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...
++++++++++++++++++
From JokesEveryDay: Raise
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.
"There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other
companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the
gas company."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to L.B.S. for the next several: CHRISTIAN HUMOR
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the
postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered
the lady.
.......................................................
When a church seeks a preacher, they want the strength
of an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a
dove, the friendliness of a sparrow, and the night
hours of an owl. And when they catch that bird, they
expect him to live on the food of a canary.
.......................................................
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young
class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the
Bible... Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to
learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the
task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After
much practice, he could barely get past the first
line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to
recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby
was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to
the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my
shepherd...and that's all I need to know!"
.......................................................
A 5 year old boy was sitting down to eat when his
mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied,
"Mom, we don't have to. We prayed over this last
night.
.......................................................
Preacher's Announcement Before Offering: "I would like
to remind you that what you are about to give is
deductible, cannot be taken with you, and the love of
which is considered in the Bible the root of all
evil."
.......................................................
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to give thanks before
Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their
heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking
God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then
he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister,
Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then
he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for
the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the
cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool
Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at
his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the
broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
.......................................................
A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he
spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella
on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you
a Christian?"
"Yes."
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
She nodded her head, "Yes."
Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she
answered, "Yes."
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold
my quarter while I go swimming?"
.......................................................
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a
large city because he was short of time and couldn't
find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the
windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give
you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO
TEMPTATION."
.......................................................
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull
over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the
ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the
merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." The cop handed
the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no
more."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: According to my sources, Chicago is nicknamed
the "Windy City" because of its blustery politicians.
Weatherwise, Chicago is not even in the top ten of
America's windiest cities -- it ranks 16th, with an
average wind speed of 10.4 miles per hour.
"Windy City" because of its blustery politicians.
Joel A. Barker said, "A leader is a person you
will follow to a place you wouldn't go by yourself."
Hmmmmm.
ANSWER AT BOTTOM
++++++++++++++++++
"Nail Biting"
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"All the world loves a lover - except people who are waiting to use the phone."
- Milton Berle
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Make-Up"
Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes.
++++++++++++++++++
Call Center
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to JLH: Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. So I called him a name. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him another name. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...
++++++++++++++++++
From JokesEveryDay: Raise
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.
"There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other
companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the
gas company."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to L.B.S. for the next several: CHRISTIAN HUMOR
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the
postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered
the lady.
.......................................................
When a church seeks a preacher, they want the strength
of an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a
dove, the friendliness of a sparrow, and the night
hours of an owl. And when they catch that bird, they
expect him to live on the food of a canary.
.......................................................
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young
class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the
Bible... Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to
learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the
task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After
much practice, he could barely get past the first
line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to
recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby
was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to
the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my
shepherd...and that's all I need to know!"
.......................................................
A 5 year old boy was sitting down to eat when his
mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied,
"Mom, we don't have to. We prayed over this last
night.
.......................................................
Preacher's Announcement Before Offering: "I would like
to remind you that what you are about to give is
deductible, cannot be taken with you, and the love of
which is considered in the Bible the root of all
evil."
.......................................................
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to give thanks before
Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their
heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking
God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then
he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister,
Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then
he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for
the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the
cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool
Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at
his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the
broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
.......................................................
A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he
spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella
on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you
a Christian?"
"Yes."
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
She nodded her head, "Yes."
Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she
answered, "Yes."
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold
my quarter while I go swimming?"
.......................................................
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a
large city because he was short of time and couldn't
find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the
windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give
you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO
TEMPTATION."
.......................................................
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull
over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the
ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the
merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." The cop handed
the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no
more."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: According to my sources, Chicago is nicknamed
the "Windy City" because of its blustery politicians.
Weatherwise, Chicago is not even in the top ten of
America's windiest cities -- it ranks 16th, with an
average wind speed of 10.4 miles per hour.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 23rd
"Neighborhood Explosion"
The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.
"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
++++++++++++++++++
Housekeeper?
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her
much until one evening when her husband called from the hall,
somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I
had a phone number written on it."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." - Anonymous
++++++++++++++++++
"Promises"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"
"No," he replied. A whole lot of them begin with "If elected I promise..."
++++++++++++++++++
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on
giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me
about his most memorable client.
"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings
from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One
earring read, 'With all,' and the other, 'my love.' When I
asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To
remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I
should let it go in one ear and out the other.'"
++++++++++++++++++
TEACHERS MANUAL
The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory
Computer Science Courses for Non-majors
LATE HOMEWORK
1.When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full
credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full
credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it
until after you complete your Ph.D.
DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS
1.If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce
that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave.
2.If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try
taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to
flunk your class.
LECTURES
1.In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the
class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the
readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this.
2.When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the
art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite
unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the
end of class you scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have
to get the material from the book.
GRADING
1.Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade
papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when
seen from a distance.
2.You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and
easy grading:
20 % Name
20 % Penmanship
50 % Homework is stapled together
10 % The work itself
Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.
GRADING ERRORS
1.If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was
marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark
student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you
onto student A.
EXTRA CREDIT
1.If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't
turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra
credit problems are: Solve the dining philosophers problem, using
semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick
into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for
the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood.
2.You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work
while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work,
decide against it.
CHEATING
1.When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each others
homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then
photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework.
2.Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect
information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on
exams. Examples that have proven effective at this technique include:
The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe,and Curly. The only
possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1,and 2. The three components of
the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS, and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures.
The microphone is an output device. "Booting" the computer involves waving a
large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating
system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system
running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main
memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse
"sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says
that you can write any computer program using only three basic control
structures: Sequence, Selection, and Guessing.
LAB
You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist
with student's questions. Student's have been known to come up with some
real beauties: Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet." "My disk erased
itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week." "Directory?
What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer."
Here are the solutions to the most common problems:
P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing"
S: Turn on the monitor
P: "How do I get into Windows?"
S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy.
P: "I can't get this computer to do anything."
S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard.
P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file."
S: Reprimand the printer.
P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do."
S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.
++++++++++++++++++
I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to
any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs,
I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my
husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
++++++++++++++++++
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." - Jack Handey
The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.
"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
++++++++++++++++++
Housekeeper?
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her
much until one evening when her husband called from the hall,
somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I
had a phone number written on it."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." - Anonymous
++++++++++++++++++
"Promises"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"
"No," he replied. A whole lot of them begin with "If elected I promise..."
++++++++++++++++++
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on
giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me
about his most memorable client.
"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings
from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One
earring read, 'With all,' and the other, 'my love.' When I
asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To
remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I
should let it go in one ear and out the other.'"
++++++++++++++++++
TEACHERS MANUAL
The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory
Computer Science Courses for Non-majors
LATE HOMEWORK
1.When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full
credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full
credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it
until after you complete your Ph.D.
DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS
1.If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce
that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave.
2.If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try
taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to
flunk your class.
LECTURES
1.In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the
class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the
readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this.
2.When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the
art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite
unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the
end of class you scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have
to get the material from the book.
GRADING
1.Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade
papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when
seen from a distance.
2.You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and
easy grading:
20 % Name
20 % Penmanship
50 % Homework is stapled together
10 % The work itself
Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.
GRADING ERRORS
1.If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was
marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark
student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you
onto student A.
EXTRA CREDIT
1.If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't
turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra
credit problems are: Solve the dining philosophers problem, using
semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick
into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for
the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood.
2.You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work
while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work,
decide against it.
CHEATING
1.When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each others
homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then
photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework.
2.Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect
information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on
exams. Examples that have proven effective at this technique include:
The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe,and Curly. The only
possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1,and 2. The three components of
the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS, and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures.
The microphone is an output device. "Booting" the computer involves waving a
large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating
system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system
running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main
memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse
"sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says
that you can write any computer program using only three basic control
structures: Sequence, Selection, and Guessing.
LAB
You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist
with student's questions. Student's have been known to come up with some
real beauties: Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet." "My disk erased
itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week." "Directory?
What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer."
Here are the solutions to the most common problems:
P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing"
S: Turn on the monitor
P: "How do I get into Windows?"
S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy.
P: "I can't get this computer to do anything."
S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard.
P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file."
S: Reprimand the printer.
P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do."
S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.
++++++++++++++++++
I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to
any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs,
I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my
husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
++++++++++++++++++
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." - Jack Handey
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 22nd
Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You"
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
++++++++++++++++++
"Egotists"
When two egotists meet, it's "an I for an I."
++++++++++++++++++
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby
daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the
carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish
talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his
dog, and said, "See the baby?"
++++++++++++++++++
Originality is merely undetected plagiarism
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Name a popular professional sport that
requires all metal shoes.
Edward Roland Sill said, "We must do the best we
can with what we have." That makes sense...ANSWER AT END
++++++++++++++++++
The Missing Scientists
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist
had spent their whole lives studying the majestic
grizzlybear. Each year they petitioned their
respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to
study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they
immediately flew to NY and then on West to
Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station
and were told
that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much
too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally
the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were
given cell phones and told to report in each and every
day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was
heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a
search party and found the scientists' camp completely
ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female
bear. They found the female and decided they must kill
the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists
because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's
stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know
what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in
the male."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to CJ in PA:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: NUTRITION AND HEALTH
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a
relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.
FACTS: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently what kills you.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in OKLAHOMA or Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they are.
12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: News Flashes -- Year 2030
1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars
can now be imported legally but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America
crops & livestock.
3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).
4. Afghanistan still closed off--physicists estimate
it will take at least ten more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
5. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed
sighted at Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.
6. Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise
is the key to weight loss.
7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
8. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of
mutants.
9. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
10. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at
Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
11. Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands
in Los Angeles.
12. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven
inches.
13. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest
version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation
is completed.
14. New California law requires that all nail
clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered
by January 2036.
15. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
16. Average worker's Social Security (FICA)
contribution hits $12,000 per week. Protests planned.
17. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
18. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; continues to
castvotes.
19. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation
for 748th time. No response.
20. Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway,
decline to $12,000 per.
21. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
22. E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5
per word. Please remit.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The popular professional sport that requires
all metal shoes -- is -- horse racing.
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
++++++++++++++++++
"Egotists"
When two egotists meet, it's "an I for an I."
++++++++++++++++++
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby
daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the
carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish
talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his
dog, and said, "See the baby?"
++++++++++++++++++
Originality is merely undetected plagiarism
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Name a popular professional sport that
requires all metal shoes.
Edward Roland Sill said, "We must do the best we
can with what we have." That makes sense...ANSWER AT END
++++++++++++++++++
The Missing Scientists
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist
had spent their whole lives studying the majestic
grizzlybear. Each year they petitioned their
respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to
study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they
immediately flew to NY and then on West to
Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station
and were told
that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much
too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally
the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were
given cell phones and told to report in each and every
day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was
heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a
search party and found the scientists' camp completely
ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female
bear. They found the female and decided they must kill
the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists
because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's
stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know
what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in
the male."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to CJ in PA:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: NUTRITION AND HEALTH
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a
relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.
FACTS: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently what kills you.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in OKLAHOMA or Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they are.
12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: News Flashes -- Year 2030
1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars
can now be imported legally but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America
crops & livestock.
3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).
4. Afghanistan still closed off--physicists estimate
it will take at least ten more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
5. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed
sighted at Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.
6. Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise
is the key to weight loss.
7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
8. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of
mutants.
9. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
10. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at
Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
11. Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands
in Los Angeles.
12. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven
inches.
13. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest
version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation
is completed.
14. New California law requires that all nail
clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered
by January 2036.
15. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
16. Average worker's Social Security (FICA)
contribution hits $12,000 per week. Protests planned.
17. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
18. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; continues to
castvotes.
19. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation
for 748th time. No response.
20. Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway,
decline to $12,000 per.
21. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
22. E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5
per word. Please remit.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The popular professional sport that requires
all metal shoes -- is -- horse racing.
hUMOR For Aug. 22nd
Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You"
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
++++++++++++++++++
"Egotists"
When two egotists meet, it's "an I for an I."
++++++++++++++++++
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby
daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the
carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish
talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his
dog, and said, "See the baby?"
++++++++++++++++++
Originality is merely undetected plagiarism
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Name a popular professional sport that
requires all metal shoes.
Edward Roland Sill said, "We must do the best we
can with what we have." That makes sense...ANSWER AT END
++++++++++++++++++
The Missing Scientists
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist
had spent their whole lives studying the majestic
grizzlybear. Each year they petitioned their
respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to
study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they
immediately flew to NY and then on West to
Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station
and were told
that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much
too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally
the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were
given cell phones and told to report in each and every
day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was
heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a
search party and found the scientists' camp completely
ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female
bear. They found the female and decided they must kill
the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists
because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's
stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know
what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in
the male."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to CJ in PA:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: NUTRITION AND HEALTH
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a
relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.
FACTS: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently what kills you.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in OKLAHOMA or Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they are.
12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: News Flashes -- Year 2030
1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars
can now be imported legally but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America
crops & livestock.
3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).
4. Afghanistan still closed off--physicists estimate
it will take at least ten more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
5. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed
sighted at Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.
6. Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise
is the key to weight loss.
7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
8. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of
mutants.
9. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
10. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at
Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
11. Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands
in Los Angeles.
12. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven
inches.
13. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest
version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation
is completed.
14. New California law requires that all nail
clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered
by January 2036.
15. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
16. Average worker's Social Security (FICA)
contribution hits $12,000 per week. Protests planned.
17. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
18. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; continues to
castvotes.
19. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation
for 748th time. No response.
20. Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway,
decline to $12,000 per.
21. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
22. E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5
per word. Please remit.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The popular professional sport that requires
all metal shoes -- is -- horse racing.
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
++++++++++++++++++
"Egotists"
When two egotists meet, it's "an I for an I."
++++++++++++++++++
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby
daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the
carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish
talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his
dog, and said, "See the baby?"
++++++++++++++++++
Originality is merely undetected plagiarism
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Name a popular professional sport that
requires all metal shoes.
Edward Roland Sill said, "We must do the best we
can with what we have." That makes sense...ANSWER AT END
++++++++++++++++++
The Missing Scientists
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist
had spent their whole lives studying the majestic
grizzlybear. Each year they petitioned their
respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to
study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they
immediately flew to NY and then on West to
Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station
and were told
that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much
too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally
the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were
given cell phones and told to report in each and every
day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was
heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a
search party and found the scientists' camp completely
ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female
bear. They found the female and decided they must kill
the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists
because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's
stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know
what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in
the male."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to CJ in PA:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: NUTRITION AND HEALTH
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a
relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.
FACTS: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently what kills you.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in OKLAHOMA or Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they are.
12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: News Flashes -- Year 2030
1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars
can now be imported legally but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America
crops & livestock.
3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).
4. Afghanistan still closed off--physicists estimate
it will take at least ten more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
5. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed
sighted at Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.
6. Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise
is the key to weight loss.
7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
8. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of
mutants.
9. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
10. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at
Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
11. Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands
in Los Angeles.
12. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven
inches.
13. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest
version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation
is completed.
14. New California law requires that all nail
clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered
by January 2036.
15. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
16. Average worker's Social Security (FICA)
contribution hits $12,000 per week. Protests planned.
17. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
18. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; continues to
castvotes.
19. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation
for 748th time. No response.
20. Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway,
decline to $12,000 per.
21. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
22. E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5
per word. Please remit.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The popular professional sport that requires
all metal shoes -- is -- horse racing.
Monday, August 21, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 21st
A Good Haircut"
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.
++++++++++++++++++
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church
altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say
when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when
he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your
seat."
++++++++++++++++++
During a church leadership meeting we were talking about attendance numbers.
Our pastor noted that the previous Sunday we had about four people who did a
head count and they all came up with different numbers. He wasn't sure what
to do about it.
I raised my hand and reminded him of a rule I came up with several years ago
that specifically address such situations. I call it "Todd's Rule of the
Head Usher's Sunday Service Head Count. "
The Pastor reluctantly took the bait and asked what that special rule might
be.
I explained: "The Usher with the highest head count is always right."
To which a brother in the back added, "And add ten percent if you're
Pentecostal."
++++++++++++++++++
"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want
music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick
surface next to a glass door." - Jerry Seinfeld
++++++++++++++++++
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
~~~~~~~~~~
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt----when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
~~~~~~~~~~
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail, so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
~~~~~~~~~~
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied David J. "How could he, with just two worms."
~~~~~~~~~~
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
~~~~~~~~~~
MOSES &THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
~~~~~~~~~~
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Rick was excited about the task--but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.
++++++++++++++++++
When my son was about 3, the people in the family who lived behind our home
had their house for sale. My son, Allan, played with their son, Curtis.
One day Mom asked, "Has Curtis sold his house yet?"
Allan, looked out the deck door across the back yard and replied "Nope, it's
still there!"
++++++++++++++++++
Todd was arrested again and the detective was leafing through his crime
history folder.
"Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, armed robbery,
armed robbery, disorderly conduct, armed robbery, armed robbery, forgery,
armed robbery..."
"Yeah, I know." said Todd. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I
was good at."
++++++++++++++++++
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
++++++++++++++++++
The Visitor
For those under 65 and over 8 ..
>A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.
>The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.
>As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it.
But the stranger He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
>If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first
major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
>The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
>Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read her books (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the
>stranger to leave.)
>Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
>My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes
distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
>I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.
>More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you were to walk into my parent's den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
>His name?....Well, we just call him, "TV."
>He has a younger sister now. We call her, "PC."
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.
++++++++++++++++++
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church
altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say
when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when
he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your
seat."
++++++++++++++++++
During a church leadership meeting we were talking about attendance numbers.
Our pastor noted that the previous Sunday we had about four people who did a
head count and they all came up with different numbers. He wasn't sure what
to do about it.
I raised my hand and reminded him of a rule I came up with several years ago
that specifically address such situations. I call it "Todd's Rule of the
Head Usher's Sunday Service Head Count. "
The Pastor reluctantly took the bait and asked what that special rule might
be.
I explained: "The Usher with the highest head count is always right."
To which a brother in the back added, "And add ten percent if you're
Pentecostal."
++++++++++++++++++
"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want
music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick
surface next to a glass door." - Jerry Seinfeld
++++++++++++++++++
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
~~~~~~~~~~
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt----when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
~~~~~~~~~~
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail, so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
~~~~~~~~~~
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied David J. "How could he, with just two worms."
~~~~~~~~~~
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
~~~~~~~~~~
MOSES &THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
~~~~~~~~~~
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Rick was excited about the task--but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.
++++++++++++++++++
When my son was about 3, the people in the family who lived behind our home
had their house for sale. My son, Allan, played with their son, Curtis.
One day Mom asked, "Has Curtis sold his house yet?"
Allan, looked out the deck door across the back yard and replied "Nope, it's
still there!"
++++++++++++++++++
Todd was arrested again and the detective was leafing through his crime
history folder.
"Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, armed robbery,
armed robbery, disorderly conduct, armed robbery, armed robbery, forgery,
armed robbery..."
"Yeah, I know." said Todd. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I
was good at."
++++++++++++++++++
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
++++++++++++++++++
The Visitor
For those under 65 and over 8 ..
>A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.
>The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.
>As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it.
But the stranger He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
>If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first
major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
>The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
>Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read her books (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the
>stranger to leave.)
>Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
>My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes
distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
>I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.
>More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you were to walk into my parent's den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
>His name?....Well, we just call him, "TV."
>He has a younger sister now. We call her, "PC."
Sunday, August 20, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 20th
Four-Letter Surgery
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
++++++++++++++++++
A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country. When he
returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
He replied, "have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van with those you
thought you loved?"
++++++++++++++++++
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how
to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on
top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
++++++++++++++++++
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't
the world's greatest rock stars. I mean, everyone knows that the heart of
rock and roll is the beet.
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: What pitcher holds the records for the most
strikeouts in a World Series Game?
"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of
weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength
and resolution" (Kahlil Gibran).
ANSWER BELOW
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie
Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country
has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The
few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot
him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.
++++++++++++++++++
From GCFL: Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant --
I finished the Oreos.
Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby
forever!
Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl.
Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella.
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to
Willard Scott!
I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
Get your *own* ice cream.
Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
Got milk?
Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.
Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your rear!
You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
++++++++++++++++++
From GCFL: Lobster Tales
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster
Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress,
"Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that correct?"
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails -- and a
little bit tough?"
"No," she said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They must be old
lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails -- $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
"Yes," she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit
down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder,
leaned over close to him, and said, "Once upon a time there was a
really big red lobster..."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: Bob Gibson of the St. Louis Cardinals struck
out 17 Detroit Tigers in the 1968 World Series to set
the mark for most strikeouts in a W.S. game.
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
++++++++++++++++++
A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country. When he
returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
He replied, "have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van with those you
thought you loved?"
++++++++++++++++++
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how
to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on
top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
++++++++++++++++++
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't
the world's greatest rock stars. I mean, everyone knows that the heart of
rock and roll is the beet.
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: What pitcher holds the records for the most
strikeouts in a World Series Game?
"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of
weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength
and resolution" (Kahlil Gibran).
ANSWER BELOW
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie
Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country
has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The
few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot
him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.
++++++++++++++++++
From GCFL: Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant --
I finished the Oreos.
Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby
forever!
Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl.
Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella.
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to
Willard Scott!
I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
Get your *own* ice cream.
Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
Got milk?
Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.
Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your rear!
You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
++++++++++++++++++
From GCFL: Lobster Tales
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster
Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress,
"Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that correct?"
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails -- and a
little bit tough?"
"No," she said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They must be old
lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails -- $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
"Yes," she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit
down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder,
leaned over close to him, and said, "Once upon a time there was a
really big red lobster..."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: Bob Gibson of the St. Louis Cardinals struck
out 17 Detroit Tigers in the 1968 World Series to set
the mark for most strikeouts in a W.S. game.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 19th
Reservations
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not
have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
++++++++++++++++++
"Car Moving"
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin snow plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"His eye is on the sparrow--and on the turkey, too!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Commercial Time"
The math department felt they weren't getting enough students registering as math majors, so they made a commercial and aired it on prime time--1 o'clock, 2 o'clock,
3 o'clock, 5 o'clock, 7 o'clock, and 11 o'clock.
++++++++++++++++++
Having recently moved to a rural area, my wife and I asked a cashier at the
local Wal-Mart if she could recommend a good restaurant where we could eat.
"I don't know," said the sales clerk. "I like Lillington food better."
"Okay," I said. "Lillington is a mere fifteen miles south of here. What's
the difference between Lillington food and the food here?"
"Lillington food just tastes better. I don't know why."
"Is there any place at all in this town that you might recommend?"
"Well, I would tell you to go to Golden Corral but they won't be open for a
couple more months."
"Then why would you even mention Golden Corral if they aren't open?"
"Because their food tastes like Lillington food."
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Here is a baseball question -- who holds
MLB's record for the longest stolen base streak
without being caught?
"My strength is as the strength of ten, Because
my heart is pure" Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809 - 1892).
ANSWER BELOW
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- How would life be backwards?
You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every
day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect
your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally
promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play,
you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and
then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room
service on tap, larger quarters every day, And then,
you finish off as an Conceived!.
I rest my case.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to JLH: Worth Pondering
When things in your life seem almost too much to
handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had
some items in front of him. When the class began, he
wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
golf balls. He then asked the students again if the
jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up
everything else. He asked once more if the jar was
full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
under the table and poured the entire contents into
the jar effectively filling the empty space between
the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I
want you to recognize that this jar represents your
life. The golf balls are the important things--- your
family, your health, your friends and your favorite
passions---and if everything else was lost and only
they remained , your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you
put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there
is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same
goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Spend time with
your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to
get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix
the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the
things that really matter. Set your priorities. The
rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what
the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm
glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always
room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (NOTE: Surely the very
suggestion that this could hail from the same part of
the country as your editor is out of the question...)
Arkansas Love Poem
A fellow Arkie sent this to me but surely it does not
pertain to Northeast Arkansas:
Arkansas Love Poem
Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzy gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know,
But Joe is yo half-brother."
So Suzy forgot about her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still."
"You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo
half-brothers."
But Mama knew and Mama said,
"Child, do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: Over the 1988 and 1989 season St. Louis
Cardinal Vince Coleman stole 50 bases without being
caught.
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not
have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
++++++++++++++++++
"Car Moving"
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin snow plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"His eye is on the sparrow--and on the turkey, too!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Commercial Time"
The math department felt they weren't getting enough students registering as math majors, so they made a commercial and aired it on prime time--1 o'clock, 2 o'clock,
3 o'clock, 5 o'clock, 7 o'clock, and 11 o'clock.
++++++++++++++++++
Having recently moved to a rural area, my wife and I asked a cashier at the
local Wal-Mart if she could recommend a good restaurant where we could eat.
"I don't know," said the sales clerk. "I like Lillington food better."
"Okay," I said. "Lillington is a mere fifteen miles south of here. What's
the difference between Lillington food and the food here?"
"Lillington food just tastes better. I don't know why."
"Is there any place at all in this town that you might recommend?"
"Well, I would tell you to go to Golden Corral but they won't be open for a
couple more months."
"Then why would you even mention Golden Corral if they aren't open?"
"Because their food tastes like Lillington food."
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Here is a baseball question -- who holds
MLB's record for the longest stolen base streak
without being caught?
"My strength is as the strength of ten, Because
my heart is pure" Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809 - 1892).
ANSWER BELOW
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- How would life be backwards?
You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every
day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect
your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally
promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play,
you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and
then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room
service on tap, larger quarters every day, And then,
you finish off as an Conceived!.
I rest my case.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to JLH: Worth Pondering
When things in your life seem almost too much to
handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had
some items in front of him. When the class began, he
wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
golf balls. He then asked the students again if the
jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up
everything else. He asked once more if the jar was
full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
under the table and poured the entire contents into
the jar effectively filling the empty space between
the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I
want you to recognize that this jar represents your
life. The golf balls are the important things--- your
family, your health, your friends and your favorite
passions---and if everything else was lost and only
they remained , your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you
put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there
is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same
goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Spend time with
your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to
get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix
the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the
things that really matter. Set your priorities. The
rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what
the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm
glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always
room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (NOTE: Surely the very
suggestion that this could hail from the same part of
the country as your editor is out of the question...)
Arkansas Love Poem
A fellow Arkie sent this to me but surely it does not
pertain to Northeast Arkansas:
Arkansas Love Poem
Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzy gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know,
But Joe is yo half-brother."
So Suzy forgot about her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still."
"You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo
half-brothers."
But Mama knew and Mama said,
"Child, do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: Over the 1988 and 1989 season St. Louis
Cardinal Vince Coleman stole 50 bases without being
caught.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
hUMOR For August 17th
Exasperation
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier
41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched
with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children
fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents
reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the
father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: What is the most watched movie in history?
"Honesty shines like a light through your eyes."
ANSWER AT END OF POST
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to La Mi -- AIN'T IT FUNNY…
* Ain't it funny... how we set our clocks to arise at
4:00 am or 5:00 am to be at the job by 7:30; yet, when
Sunday comes we can't get to church for the 11:00 a.m.
service to praise the one who gave us the jobs!
* Ain't it funny... how we call God our Father and
Jesus our brother; but find it hard to introduce them
to our family.
* Ain't it funny... how small our sins seem, but how
big "their" sins are.
* Ain't it funny... how we demand justice for others;
but expect mercy from God.
* Ain't it funny... how much difficulty some have
learning the gospel well enough to tell others; but
how simple it is to understand and explain the latest
gossip about someone else.
* Ain't it funny... how we can't think of anything to
say when we pray; but don't have any difficulty
thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
* Ain't it funny... how we are so quick to take
directions from a total stranger when we are lost; but
are hesitant to take God's direction for our lives.
* Ain't it funny... how so many church goers sing
"Standing on the Promises"; but all they do is sit on
the premises.
* Ain't it funny... how people want God to answer
their prayers; but refuse to listen to His counsel.
* Ain't it funny... how it is okay to blame God for
evil and suffering in the world; but it is not
necessary to thank Him for what is good and pleasant.
* Ain't it funny... how when something goes wrong we
cry, "Lord, why me?"; but when something goes right,
we think, "Hey! it must be me!"
* Oh wait... maybe all of this just isn't so "funny"
after all.
++++++++++++++++++
A favorite from SunshineRose28 -- Van Gogh's Family
Tree
His dizzy aunt ------------------------------Verti
Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ------------------Gotta
Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ----Stop
n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -----------------U
Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ------------------- Chica
Gogh
His magician uncle --------------------Where-diddy
Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------------------- A mee
Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach-------Wells-far
Gogh
The constipated uncle ----------------------- Cant
Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------- Tang
Gogh
The bird lover uncle -----------------------Flamin
Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst ----------------------- E
Gogh
The fruit loving cousin -----------------------Man
Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------ Way-to
Gogh
The little bouncy nephew --------------------- Poe
Gogh
A sister who loved disco -----------------------Go
Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van
---Winnie Bay Gogh And there ya Gogh!
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to SunshineRose28 -- Bible Questions
Q: The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story
had a window to let light in, but how did they get
light to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used floodlights.
Q: Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A: David - he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.
Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A: Turn right and go straight.
Q: Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant
lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at
once.
Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan - the banks were always
overflowing.
Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!
Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible ?
A: Noah: He was floating his stock, while everyone
else was in liquidation.
Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the
Bible ?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The most watched movie in history is "The
Wizard of Oz" -- seen by well over a billion people.
++++++++++++++++++
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read,
"Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the
waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that
correct?"
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails -- and a
little bit tough?"
"No," she said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They
must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails -- $5 each?" he repeated,
astounded.
"Yes," she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited
him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand
on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, "Once
upon a time there was a really big red lobster..."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The most watched movie in history is "The
Wizard of Oz" -- seen by well over a billion people.
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier
41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched
with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children
fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents
reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the
father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: What is the most watched movie in history?
"Honesty shines like a light through your eyes."
ANSWER AT END OF POST
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to La Mi -- AIN'T IT FUNNY…
* Ain't it funny... how we set our clocks to arise at
4:00 am or 5:00 am to be at the job by 7:30; yet, when
Sunday comes we can't get to church for the 11:00 a.m.
service to praise the one who gave us the jobs!
* Ain't it funny... how we call God our Father and
Jesus our brother; but find it hard to introduce them
to our family.
* Ain't it funny... how small our sins seem, but how
big "their" sins are.
* Ain't it funny... how we demand justice for others;
but expect mercy from God.
* Ain't it funny... how much difficulty some have
learning the gospel well enough to tell others; but
how simple it is to understand and explain the latest
gossip about someone else.
* Ain't it funny... how we can't think of anything to
say when we pray; but don't have any difficulty
thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
* Ain't it funny... how we are so quick to take
directions from a total stranger when we are lost; but
are hesitant to take God's direction for our lives.
* Ain't it funny... how so many church goers sing
"Standing on the Promises"; but all they do is sit on
the premises.
* Ain't it funny... how people want God to answer
their prayers; but refuse to listen to His counsel.
* Ain't it funny... how it is okay to blame God for
evil and suffering in the world; but it is not
necessary to thank Him for what is good and pleasant.
* Ain't it funny... how when something goes wrong we
cry, "Lord, why me?"; but when something goes right,
we think, "Hey! it must be me!"
* Oh wait... maybe all of this just isn't so "funny"
after all.
++++++++++++++++++
A favorite from SunshineRose28 -- Van Gogh's Family
Tree
His dizzy aunt ------------------------------Verti
Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ------------------Gotta
Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ----Stop
n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -----------------U
Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ------------------- Chica
Gogh
His magician uncle --------------------Where-diddy
Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------------------- A mee
Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach-------Wells-far
Gogh
The constipated uncle ----------------------- Cant
Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------- Tang
Gogh
The bird lover uncle -----------------------Flamin
Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst ----------------------- E
Gogh
The fruit loving cousin -----------------------Man
Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------ Way-to
Gogh
The little bouncy nephew --------------------- Poe
Gogh
A sister who loved disco -----------------------Go
Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van
---Winnie Bay Gogh And there ya Gogh!
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to SunshineRose28 -- Bible Questions
Q: The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story
had a window to let light in, but how did they get
light to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used floodlights.
Q: Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A: David - he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.
Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A: Turn right and go straight.
Q: Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant
lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at
once.
Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan - the banks were always
overflowing.
Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!
Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible ?
A: Noah: He was floating his stock, while everyone
else was in liquidation.
Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the
Bible ?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The most watched movie in history is "The
Wizard of Oz" -- seen by well over a billion people.
++++++++++++++++++
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read,
"Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the
waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that
correct?"
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails -- and a
little bit tough?"
"No," she said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They
must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails -- $5 each?" he repeated,
astounded.
"Yes," she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited
him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand
on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, "Once
upon a time there was a really big red lobster..."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The most watched movie in history is "The
Wizard of Oz" -- seen by well over a billion people.
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