Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and arrogance,
that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the
Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather than pass through
the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a question.
"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf course
you have here," he said to St. Peter.
"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.
"But it does". And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed,
"Well if I can't see it, then I'm not coming in!"
"Very well, Michael. As you wish...look through the gates."
He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that
it made him sick to his stomach.
"Forget it! There is no way I'm going to spend eternity playing on that
course."
Just then, Michael heard the devil calling him over the gate.
"Come over here and see what I have to offer."
Michael peers through the gate and he is elated. There is the most
absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen. He turns to the devil and
says, "Yeah, I want to play that course!"
"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates
closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said, "I can't
wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball?
The devil roared with laughter. "Oh that. There aren't any."
++++++++++++++++++
Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a
manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front
door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.
"I guess so," answered the man.
"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take
care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and
tidy?"
"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see
about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you
can count me out right now."
++++++++++++++++++
Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.
++++++++++++++++++
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
++++++++++++++++++
MINNESOTA UFFDAH THERPY
My Brother, Dan, went to a psychiatrist. I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I’m scared. I Think I'm going crazy. "
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Dan.
Six months later the doctor met Dan on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new sweaty-Betty pick-um-up truck!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
++++++++++++++++++
The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning. Of course, I was excited, but that didn't stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.
"Why?" asked the chairman.
"Because," I said, "our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don't want be known as VP of CRAP."
++++++++++++++++++
Tree Problem
Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery,
but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on
its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the
nursery to demand an explanation.
"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.
"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"
"Autumn," he replied.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
hUMOR For July th
McDonalds
Driving through Oklahoma, my husband and I went out of our way to
stop at what was billed as the largest McDonald's in the world.
However, we were less than thrilled when an employee addressed
everyone over the intercom: "Attention, world's largest McDonald's customers."
++++++++++++++++++
"Correct Response"
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.
My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend.
"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away." - Oscar Levant
++++++++++++++++++
Visitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
++++++++++++++++++
One day I found Morris, my five-year-old son, with the telephone, which he
quickly hung up when he saw me. "What were you doing?" I asked him.
"Calling Aunt Sarah."
"How could you have called Aunt Sarah?" I asked. "You don't even know her
number."
"Yes, I do and I did call her," little Morris replied.
I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince him that he didn't know her
number, but he insisted he had made the call. "Okay," I said finally. "What
did she say, then, if you called her?"
"She told me I had the wrong number."
++++++++++++++++++
During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire. No
matter what happened on the field, she constantly yelled, "Kill the umpire!"
This went on for an hour.
"Lady," a nearby fan finally yelled out, "the umpire hasn't done anything
wrong."
"Hey," she shouted back, "how would you know that? That's my husband, not
yours!"
++++++++++++++++++
In light of recent terrorist activity, France has raised their terror alert
level from "run" to "hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"surrender" and "collaborate"
Driving through Oklahoma, my husband and I went out of our way to
stop at what was billed as the largest McDonald's in the world.
However, we were less than thrilled when an employee addressed
everyone over the intercom: "Attention, world's largest McDonald's customers."
++++++++++++++++++
"Correct Response"
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.
My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend.
"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away." - Oscar Levant
++++++++++++++++++
Visitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
++++++++++++++++++
One day I found Morris, my five-year-old son, with the telephone, which he
quickly hung up when he saw me. "What were you doing?" I asked him.
"Calling Aunt Sarah."
"How could you have called Aunt Sarah?" I asked. "You don't even know her
number."
"Yes, I do and I did call her," little Morris replied.
I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince him that he didn't know her
number, but he insisted he had made the call. "Okay," I said finally. "What
did she say, then, if you called her?"
"She told me I had the wrong number."
++++++++++++++++++
During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire. No
matter what happened on the field, she constantly yelled, "Kill the umpire!"
This went on for an hour.
"Lady," a nearby fan finally yelled out, "the umpire hasn't done anything
wrong."
"Hey," she shouted back, "how would you know that? That's my husband, not
yours!"
++++++++++++++++++
In light of recent terrorist activity, France has raised their terror alert
level from "run" to "hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"surrender" and "collaborate"
Saturday, July 29, 2006
hUMOR For July 29th
++++++++++++++++++
WARNING: You are entering a bad pun zone!
GCF: Consultant
We just hired a new consultant at my job. I asked him a question.
He said, "I could tell you, but then I would have to bill you."
++++++++++++++++++
The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush
takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, cruising on
the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the
sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto)
blows off his head and out into the water.
Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President
Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of
this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water
and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over,
picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs
aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times,
Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston
Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee
Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post,
Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, and San Francisco
Chronicle all proclaim:
"Bush Can't Swim!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Need a Pen?"
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker."
++++++++++++++++++
"Circus Attack"
What do you do if you're ever attacked by a circus?
Go for the juggler!
++++++++++++++++++
Bugs
by Robert Byron
When my son was eleven months old, he had an appointment to get his picture
taken on a Saturday afternoon at four o'clock. My wife wanted to get her
hair cut the same day, and prior to our son's appointment, so she called a
local hair salon to set up an appointment for a haircut. She made the call
and told the woman at the salon that she wanted an appointment before four
o'clock because of our prior commitment. She was told by the hairdresser
that the earliest appointment available was at four o'clock and my wife
thought that since she couldn't go at four o'clock, she could at least have
some fun with the hairdresser on the phone. "Can you wash my hair. It's
really greasy," my wife said.
"What do you mean greasy?" the woman asked.
"Well, it hasn't been washed in a couple of weeks and it could really use a
good washing."
The woman paused for a few seconds before replying. "Yes ma'am. We wash
hair," she said reluctantly.
"Will you be the one washing it?"
"Let me see who's available. Can you hold for a moment?"
"I'd really like for you to be the one to wash it."
"OK, Let me take a look at the schedule a moment. Can you hold?"
"Sure, I can hold."
The woman put my wife on hold for a couple of minutes and when she returned,
she said, "It looks like I'll be available to do your hair."
"That's great," my wife said. "Can you treat for bugs?"
"Excuse me?"
"Can you treat for bugs?"
"What do you mean by bugs?"
"Oh, you know, bugs."
"Head lice?"
"Yes, that's it."
"No ma'am we don't. We can't cut your hair if you have lice."
"What if I don't have lice?"
"Do you have lice?"
"If I don't, you'll cut my hair?"
"Yes ma'am but if you have lice there isn't any point in you coming in for a
cut."
"Do you wash hair if it has lice."
"No ma'am. If you have lice we can't touch your hair and we are not allowed
to let you into the shop. It's a state law."
"That sounds like discrimination to me."
"No ma'am it's not discrimination, it's a health law. If you come in with
lice they could spread to other people."
"Are you saying that I have lice?"
"No ma'am I'm not implying that you have lice. Do you have lice?"
"I'd like to make an appointment for four o'clock and you'll wash my hair,
right?"
"Ma'am, before I can make the appointment I need to know if you have lice."
"I've never been asked that question before when I've made a hair
appointment. Is that normal?"
"Well, no but in light of our conversation I think the question is
warranted."
"Why?"
"Because you are asking if we cut people's hair if the have lice, that's
why."
"Well, can you cut my hair?"
"Do you have lice?"
"No."
"Then why are you asking questions about head lice?"
"I was just curious."
"So you don't have head lice."
"Not anymore."
"You had head lice?"
"When?"
"Ma'am, have you had head lice recently?"
"What do they look like?"
"I don't know. I've never seen one."
"I'd like to make an appointment for four o'clock please."
"Ma'am I don't think that's going to be possible. What did you say your name
was?"
"Well, look at the time. I have to go. I'll talk to you later! Bye!
(click)
WARNING: You are entering a bad pun zone!
GCF: Consultant
We just hired a new consultant at my job. I asked him a question.
He said, "I could tell you, but then I would have to bill you."
++++++++++++++++++
The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush
takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, cruising on
the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the
sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto)
blows off his head and out into the water.
Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President
Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of
this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water
and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over,
picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs
aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times,
Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston
Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee
Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post,
Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, and San Francisco
Chronicle all proclaim:
"Bush Can't Swim!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Need a Pen?"
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker."
++++++++++++++++++
"Circus Attack"
What do you do if you're ever attacked by a circus?
Go for the juggler!
++++++++++++++++++
Bugs
by Robert Byron
When my son was eleven months old, he had an appointment to get his picture
taken on a Saturday afternoon at four o'clock. My wife wanted to get her
hair cut the same day, and prior to our son's appointment, so she called a
local hair salon to set up an appointment for a haircut. She made the call
and told the woman at the salon that she wanted an appointment before four
o'clock because of our prior commitment. She was told by the hairdresser
that the earliest appointment available was at four o'clock and my wife
thought that since she couldn't go at four o'clock, she could at least have
some fun with the hairdresser on the phone. "Can you wash my hair. It's
really greasy," my wife said.
"What do you mean greasy?" the woman asked.
"Well, it hasn't been washed in a couple of weeks and it could really use a
good washing."
The woman paused for a few seconds before replying. "Yes ma'am. We wash
hair," she said reluctantly.
"Will you be the one washing it?"
"Let me see who's available. Can you hold for a moment?"
"I'd really like for you to be the one to wash it."
"OK, Let me take a look at the schedule a moment. Can you hold?"
"Sure, I can hold."
The woman put my wife on hold for a couple of minutes and when she returned,
she said, "It looks like I'll be available to do your hair."
"That's great," my wife said. "Can you treat for bugs?"
"Excuse me?"
"Can you treat for bugs?"
"What do you mean by bugs?"
"Oh, you know, bugs."
"Head lice?"
"Yes, that's it."
"No ma'am we don't. We can't cut your hair if you have lice."
"What if I don't have lice?"
"Do you have lice?"
"If I don't, you'll cut my hair?"
"Yes ma'am but if you have lice there isn't any point in you coming in for a
cut."
"Do you wash hair if it has lice."
"No ma'am. If you have lice we can't touch your hair and we are not allowed
to let you into the shop. It's a state law."
"That sounds like discrimination to me."
"No ma'am it's not discrimination, it's a health law. If you come in with
lice they could spread to other people."
"Are you saying that I have lice?"
"No ma'am I'm not implying that you have lice. Do you have lice?"
"I'd like to make an appointment for four o'clock and you'll wash my hair,
right?"
"Ma'am, before I can make the appointment I need to know if you have lice."
"I've never been asked that question before when I've made a hair
appointment. Is that normal?"
"Well, no but in light of our conversation I think the question is
warranted."
"Why?"
"Because you are asking if we cut people's hair if the have lice, that's
why."
"Well, can you cut my hair?"
"Do you have lice?"
"No."
"Then why are you asking questions about head lice?"
"I was just curious."
"So you don't have head lice."
"Not anymore."
"You had head lice?"
"When?"
"Ma'am, have you had head lice recently?"
"What do they look like?"
"I don't know. I've never seen one."
"I'd like to make an appointment for four o'clock please."
"Ma'am I don't think that's going to be possible. What did you say your name
was?"
"Well, look at the time. I have to go. I'll talk to you later! Bye!
(click)
Friday, July 28, 2006
hUMOR For July 28th
The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word.
Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.
Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."
"Golf?" asked the caddie.
"No" he replied. "The ministry."
++++++++++++++++++
Eggplants
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ each -- three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming:
"Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four
eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching
these antics and finally asked the grocer,
"Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put
up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
++++++++++++++++++
"Blockbuster Surprise"
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If nothing in us can win Thy love, nothing in the universe can prevent Thee from loving us. Thy love is uncaused and undeserved. Thou art Thyself the reason for the love wherewith we are loved."
- A. W. Tozer
++++++++++++++++++
"Making Deals With God"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Fred was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Fred looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!"
++++++++++++++++++
A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the
phone in the kitchen rings.
"Hello," says the man answering it.
"Hi," says a high woman's voice. "This is Tiffany the
housekeeper."
"Oh," says the man. "Hi Tiffany."
"Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you'd
be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I
had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom."
"What sort of a problem?"
"Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of
emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the
matress, it fell out."
"Well, what's the problem, Tiffany?"
"Well, I wasn't sure just where to put it back, so I just
put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?"
"Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate
it."
"Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found
that diamond ring you've been missing."
"That's wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put
it?"
"In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!"
"And how did you lock it?"
"First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out
and tried the top to make sure it was locked," says the
housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his
instructions.
"Good! And where did you put the key?"
"In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good
china."
"Fantastic!" says the man, impressed.
"Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the
Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is
going to be so surprised."
"Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a
great housekeeper."
"Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night."
"You too, Tiffany. Good night."
The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says
with a grin, "This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!"
++++++++++++++++++
Whether he's buying books online or day trading on a discount broker's site,
my 21-year-old brother Felix is constantly on the computer.
One day as we drove by a neighbor's house, we noticed they were having an
estate sale. As my brother peered at the sign in the front yard, he asked,
"What's an E-state sale?"
++++++++++++++++++
For some recruits, there is nothing basic about basic training. It was clear
that one soldier in particular was not getting the hang of it when on guard
duty, he cried out, "Halt! Don't shoot, or I'll move!"
++++++++++++++++++
"My grandfather always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So
one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my
grandfather." - Jackie Mason
Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.
Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."
"Golf?" asked the caddie.
"No" he replied. "The ministry."
++++++++++++++++++
Eggplants
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ each -- three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming:
"Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four
eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching
these antics and finally asked the grocer,
"Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put
up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
++++++++++++++++++
"Blockbuster Surprise"
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If nothing in us can win Thy love, nothing in the universe can prevent Thee from loving us. Thy love is uncaused and undeserved. Thou art Thyself the reason for the love wherewith we are loved."
- A. W. Tozer
++++++++++++++++++
"Making Deals With God"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Fred was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Fred looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!"
++++++++++++++++++
A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the
phone in the kitchen rings.
"Hello," says the man answering it.
"Hi," says a high woman's voice. "This is Tiffany the
housekeeper."
"Oh," says the man. "Hi Tiffany."
"Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you'd
be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I
had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom."
"What sort of a problem?"
"Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of
emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the
matress, it fell out."
"Well, what's the problem, Tiffany?"
"Well, I wasn't sure just where to put it back, so I just
put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?"
"Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate
it."
"Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found
that diamond ring you've been missing."
"That's wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put
it?"
"In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!"
"And how did you lock it?"
"First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out
and tried the top to make sure it was locked," says the
housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his
instructions.
"Good! And where did you put the key?"
"In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good
china."
"Fantastic!" says the man, impressed.
"Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the
Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is
going to be so surprised."
"Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a
great housekeeper."
"Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night."
"You too, Tiffany. Good night."
The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says
with a grin, "This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!"
++++++++++++++++++
Whether he's buying books online or day trading on a discount broker's site,
my 21-year-old brother Felix is constantly on the computer.
One day as we drove by a neighbor's house, we noticed they were having an
estate sale. As my brother peered at the sign in the front yard, he asked,
"What's an E-state sale?"
++++++++++++++++++
For some recruits, there is nothing basic about basic training. It was clear
that one soldier in particular was not getting the hang of it when on guard
duty, he cried out, "Halt! Don't shoot, or I'll move!"
++++++++++++++++++
"My grandfather always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So
one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my
grandfather." - Jackie Mason
Thursday, July 27, 2006
hUMOR For July 28th
Hair Cut
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
++++++++++++++++++
"Parts Search"
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding."
One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
I hope that after I die, people will say of me, "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Two Keys"
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."
++++++++++++++++++
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde
seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman
then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
small - what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they
are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not
need curtains!"
The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
++++++++++++++++++
"Parts Search"
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding."
One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
I hope that after I die, people will say of me, "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Two Keys"
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."
++++++++++++++++++
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde
seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman
then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
small - what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they
are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not
need curtains!"
The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
hUMOR for July 26th
TRIVIA: What do the names Chang, Schultz and Smith
have in common?
"My strength is as the strength of ten, Because
my heart is pure" (Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809 - 1892).
[Answer at the bottom]
++++++++++++++++++
Blood Race
The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force
Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood.
After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a
young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid,
and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this
time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well.
As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel.
Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook
his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."
++++++++++++++++++
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to
discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the
programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from
a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is
that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
++++++++++++++++++
The best remedy for chapped lips is to stop moving them.
++++++++++++++++++
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's
been eating my porridge?!!," he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big
chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we
have to go through this?
"It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who
woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the
coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from
last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who
went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma
Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled
the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided
to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma
Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause
I'm only going to say this one more time...
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Post Card Help"
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."
- Sean O'Casey, playwright (1880-1964)
++++++++++++++++++
"CONCENTRATE"
FEATURED ILLUSTRATION ITEMS ARE WELL SUITED FOR INTRODUCING OR ILLUMINATING A POINT IN A SERMON, SPEECH, OR DEVOTIONAL. FUNNY, MOVING, OR PERHAPS EVEN GRAPHIC, THE POINT OF THEM IS THE POINT YOU MAKE WITH THEM.
WHEN A MAN PULLED TWO GUNS ON CONVENIENCE STORE CLERK WAZIR JIWI AND DEMANDED MONEY, JIWI ASKED HOW MUCH HE WANTED FOR ONE OF THE GUNS. HE SAID $100, WHICH JIWI PAID HIM. THEN JIWI OFFERED TO BUY THE SECOND GUN. THE ROBBER HANDED IT OVER, GRABBED THE CASH AND HEADED FOR THE EXIT. BUT JIWI HAD PUSHED A BUTTON UNDER THE COUNTER THAT AUTOMATICALLY LOCKED THE DOOR.
"HE TURNED TO ME AND ASKED WHAT WAS GOING ON," JIWI SAYS. "I TOLD HIM TO BRING THE MONEY BACK AND I WOULD LET HIM GO. HE BROUGHT THE MONEY BACK, AND I OPENED THE DOOR."
++++++++++++++++++
QUOTABLE QUOTES From READER'S DIGEST January 1996
Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and
wisdom. Phyllis Theroux, NIGHT LIGHTS (Viking Penguin)
Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that
thankfulness is indeed a virtue. William J. Bennett,
THE MORAL COMPAS (Simon and Schuster)
Saying what we think gives a wider range of
conversation than saying what we know. Cullen
Hightower
Without music, life is a journey through a desert. Pat
Conroy Beach Music (Doubleday)
Most people are willing to pay more to be amused than
to be educated. Robert C. Savage, LIFE LESSONS
(Tyndale House)
Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the
human condition, there is no shame in being wrong,
only in failing to correct our mistakes. George Soros,
SOROS ON SOROS (Wiley)
Never assume the obvious is true. William Safire,
SLEEPER-SPY (Random House)
All blessings are mixed blessings. (John Updike)
Reading makes immigrants of us all -- it takes us away
from home, but more important, it finds homes for us
everywhere. Hazel Rochman, AGAINST BORDERS (ALA
Books)
Adults are obsolete children. Dr. Seuss
Perversion and corruption masquerade as ambiguity. I
don't like ambiguity. I don't trust ambiguity. John
Wayne, quoted by Randy Roberts and James S. Olson,
JOHN WAYNE: AMERICAN (Free Press)
Life is at its best when it's shaken and stirred. F.
Paul Facult in NEW YORK TIMES
"There is no greatness where there is not
simplicity, goodness and truth." Leo Tolstoy, WAR AND
PEACE
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Kittyspann: "The lonely Ember"
A member of a certain church, who previously had been
attending services regularly, stopped going.
After a few weeks, the preacher decided to visit him.
It was a chilly evening. The preacher found the man
at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing
the reason for his preacher's visit, the man
welcomed him, led him to a big chair near the
fireplace and waited.
The preacher made himself comfortable but said
nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the
play of the flames around the burning logs.
After some minutes, the preacher took the fire tongs,
carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and
placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then
he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host
watched all this in quiet fascination.
As the one lone ember's flame diminished, there was a
momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it
was cold and dead.
Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting.
Just before the preacher was ready to leave, he
picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in
the middle of the fire. Immediately it
began to glow once more with the light and warmth of
the burning coals around it.
As the preacher reached the door to leave, his host
said, "Thank you so much for your visit and especially
for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next
Sunday."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to AB: Ten Rules For Staying Young:
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes
age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about
them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you
down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably
a few dozen of your relatives to do the job.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let the
brain idle.
4. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp
for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in
the store by your distinctive laughter.
5. Do not worry about situations beyond your control.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with you your entire lives is
yourself.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,
whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what
you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Shoulder only your own
responsibilities. Then go to the mall, the next
county, a foreign country, but not guilt.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at
every opportunity. Remember, life is not measured by
the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that
take our breath away.
++++++++++++++++++
From January 1996 READER'S DIGEST: Laying Down The
Laws
Law of Energy: Children have more energy after a hard
day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
Steve Jarrell in THE HONAHAM NEWS
Law of Government: The amount of time required to
finish any project is equal to the amount of time
already spent on it. Jay Trachman in ONE TO ONE
Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between
flights, the greater the distance between gates. Doug
Larson, UNITED FEATURE SYNDICATE
Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more
but. Contributed by Pat Hartson
Dixon's Law: When you are driving behind a
slow-moving vehicle in a no-passing zone, that vehicle
will always turn in the same direction at the same
intersection you do. James Dent in Charleston, W.
Va., GAZETTE.
++++++++++++++++++
From January 1996 READER'S DIGEST: Fast Track
Soon after we moved to Alabama, I was assigned to
the headquarters in Georgia for a couple of weeks. I
tried calling home the first night, but kept getting a
busy signal. The operator said that the phone was off
the hook. I didn't know what to do until I remembered
the number of a pizza delivery shop we had used. A
call to them sent a pizza on its way to my house, with
a note telling them to cradle the phone.
In less than a half-hour, the pizza was
delivered, message relayed, phone hung up, and I got
to say good-night to my family. Contributed by Gena
Rae Shores
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: They are the most common last names in China,
Germany and the U.S. respectively. Chang is the most
common name in the world.
have in common?
"My strength is as the strength of ten, Because
my heart is pure" (Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809 - 1892).
[Answer at the bottom]
++++++++++++++++++
Blood Race
The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force
Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood.
After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a
young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid,
and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this
time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well.
As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel.
Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook
his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."
++++++++++++++++++
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to
discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the
programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from
a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is
that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
++++++++++++++++++
The best remedy for chapped lips is to stop moving them.
++++++++++++++++++
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's
been eating my porridge?!!," he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big
chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we
have to go through this?
"It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who
woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the
coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from
last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who
went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma
Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled
the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided
to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma
Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause
I'm only going to say this one more time...
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Post Card Help"
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."
- Sean O'Casey, playwright (1880-1964)
++++++++++++++++++
"CONCENTRATE"
FEATURED ILLUSTRATION ITEMS ARE WELL SUITED FOR INTRODUCING OR ILLUMINATING A POINT IN A SERMON, SPEECH, OR DEVOTIONAL. FUNNY, MOVING, OR PERHAPS EVEN GRAPHIC, THE POINT OF THEM IS THE POINT YOU MAKE WITH THEM.
WHEN A MAN PULLED TWO GUNS ON CONVENIENCE STORE CLERK WAZIR JIWI AND DEMANDED MONEY, JIWI ASKED HOW MUCH HE WANTED FOR ONE OF THE GUNS. HE SAID $100, WHICH JIWI PAID HIM. THEN JIWI OFFERED TO BUY THE SECOND GUN. THE ROBBER HANDED IT OVER, GRABBED THE CASH AND HEADED FOR THE EXIT. BUT JIWI HAD PUSHED A BUTTON UNDER THE COUNTER THAT AUTOMATICALLY LOCKED THE DOOR.
"HE TURNED TO ME AND ASKED WHAT WAS GOING ON," JIWI SAYS. "I TOLD HIM TO BRING THE MONEY BACK AND I WOULD LET HIM GO. HE BROUGHT THE MONEY BACK, AND I OPENED THE DOOR."
++++++++++++++++++
QUOTABLE QUOTES From READER'S DIGEST January 1996
Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and
wisdom. Phyllis Theroux, NIGHT LIGHTS (Viking Penguin)
Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that
thankfulness is indeed a virtue. William J. Bennett,
THE MORAL COMPAS (Simon and Schuster)
Saying what we think gives a wider range of
conversation than saying what we know. Cullen
Hightower
Without music, life is a journey through a desert. Pat
Conroy Beach Music (Doubleday)
Most people are willing to pay more to be amused than
to be educated. Robert C. Savage, LIFE LESSONS
(Tyndale House)
Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the
human condition, there is no shame in being wrong,
only in failing to correct our mistakes. George Soros,
SOROS ON SOROS (Wiley)
Never assume the obvious is true. William Safire,
SLEEPER-SPY (Random House)
All blessings are mixed blessings. (John Updike)
Reading makes immigrants of us all -- it takes us away
from home, but more important, it finds homes for us
everywhere. Hazel Rochman, AGAINST BORDERS (ALA
Books)
Adults are obsolete children. Dr. Seuss
Perversion and corruption masquerade as ambiguity. I
don't like ambiguity. I don't trust ambiguity. John
Wayne, quoted by Randy Roberts and James S. Olson,
JOHN WAYNE: AMERICAN (Free Press)
Life is at its best when it's shaken and stirred. F.
Paul Facult in NEW YORK TIMES
"There is no greatness where there is not
simplicity, goodness and truth." Leo Tolstoy, WAR AND
PEACE
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Kittyspann: "The lonely Ember"
A member of a certain church, who previously had been
attending services regularly, stopped going.
After a few weeks, the preacher decided to visit him.
It was a chilly evening. The preacher found the man
at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing
the reason for his preacher's visit, the man
welcomed him, led him to a big chair near the
fireplace and waited.
The preacher made himself comfortable but said
nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the
play of the flames around the burning logs.
After some minutes, the preacher took the fire tongs,
carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and
placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then
he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host
watched all this in quiet fascination.
As the one lone ember's flame diminished, there was a
momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it
was cold and dead.
Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting.
Just before the preacher was ready to leave, he
picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in
the middle of the fire. Immediately it
began to glow once more with the light and warmth of
the burning coals around it.
As the preacher reached the door to leave, his host
said, "Thank you so much for your visit and especially
for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next
Sunday."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to AB: Ten Rules For Staying Young:
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes
age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about
them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you
down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably
a few dozen of your relatives to do the job.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let the
brain idle.
4. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp
for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in
the store by your distinctive laughter.
5. Do not worry about situations beyond your control.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with you your entire lives is
yourself.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,
whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what
you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Shoulder only your own
responsibilities. Then go to the mall, the next
county, a foreign country, but not guilt.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at
every opportunity. Remember, life is not measured by
the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that
take our breath away.
++++++++++++++++++
From January 1996 READER'S DIGEST: Laying Down The
Laws
Law of Energy: Children have more energy after a hard
day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
Steve Jarrell in THE HONAHAM NEWS
Law of Government: The amount of time required to
finish any project is equal to the amount of time
already spent on it. Jay Trachman in ONE TO ONE
Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between
flights, the greater the distance between gates. Doug
Larson, UNITED FEATURE SYNDICATE
Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more
but. Contributed by Pat Hartson
Dixon's Law: When you are driving behind a
slow-moving vehicle in a no-passing zone, that vehicle
will always turn in the same direction at the same
intersection you do. James Dent in Charleston, W.
Va., GAZETTE.
++++++++++++++++++
From January 1996 READER'S DIGEST: Fast Track
Soon after we moved to Alabama, I was assigned to
the headquarters in Georgia for a couple of weeks. I
tried calling home the first night, but kept getting a
busy signal. The operator said that the phone was off
the hook. I didn't know what to do until I remembered
the number of a pizza delivery shop we had used. A
call to them sent a pizza on its way to my house, with
a note telling them to cradle the phone.
In less than a half-hour, the pizza was
delivered, message relayed, phone hung up, and I got
to say good-night to my family. Contributed by Gena
Rae Shores
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: They are the most common last names in China,
Germany and the U.S. respectively. Chang is the most
common name in the world.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
hUMOR For July 25th
TRIVIA: What group has been dubbed "The Invisible
Empire of the South?"
May this day be a good one for all...
ANSWER AT BOTTOM OF TODAY’S hUMOR
++++++++++++++++++
"Coast Guard Lingo"
When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' on the port side!"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"My memory's not as sharp as it used to be - also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be."
++++++++++++++++++
"Recipe"
A new young bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska."
++++++++++++++++++
Climbing the Ladder
by Robert Byron
Sometimes it doesn't pay to be good at what you do. I once told a manager
that, since I had achieved the highest possible staff ranking, I would like
to be considered for a recently created management position. I was told that
it was extremely difficult to find experts in my field and that it would be
nearly impossible to find anyone qualified to replace me. Basically, I was
being told that I was doing such a good job that there was no way I would
ever get promoted. I decided it was time to find a new employment
opportunity.
I found a company that was looking for someone with my qualifications to
perform virtually the same job I was already doing. I applied for the
position and during the interview I asked, "I'm considering leaving my
present job because there is little room for career advancement.
The interviewer replied with, "There are plenty of opportunities for
advancement here." An offer was made and I accepted the position.
After working there for several months, a notice was posted on a bulletin
board announcing the opening of a management position. I promptly applied
for it and was told that I would be notified if an interview was required. I
felt pretty good about the whole thing and was pretty excited about it until
I talked to some of my fellow employees. "They'll never give that job to
you," they said.
"What makes you think that?"
"We have all applied for management positions. They keep telling us that it
would be extremely difficult to find experts in our field and that it would
be nearly impossible to find anyone qualified to replace us."
I must say, their words sounded familiar. "When they interviewed me they
said there were plenty of opportunities for advancement here."
"There are plenty of advancement opportunities here. Just not for us."
Needless to say, I wasn't granted an interview much less the position. I
began to notice that the people I worked with, who did a good job, never
advanced. However, those who were incompetent seemed to excel. It was the
classic "Peter Principle".
For example, my department manager started out as a material handler but
when he couldn't handle that job, he was given the job of machine operator.
Not being able to operate machinery he was promoted to machine mechanic.
Since he failed miserably in that position, he was promoted to department
manager. This was the perfect job for him. He was fully qualified to drink
coffee and have the department secretary do his work for him. If asked a
question with any hint of importance, he would say, "Let me research that
and get back to you. I'd watch as he made his way to the glass cubicle that
he called an office to pose the question to the secretary. He'd return and
say, "Mildred knows more about this than I do. You should talk to her."
My manager wasn't known as a smart man by anyone that I knew and I certainly
didn't want to appear in the same light as him. However, he was oblivious to
how others saw him. He wore his position like a badge. I never applied for
any more management positions with that company but since then I have become
a manager at a major educational institution. I think I'm pretty smart and I
think that other people think I'm doing a good job. Just to be sure, I'm
going to get another cup of coffee and go ask the department secretary. I'm
sure she'll answer my question as soon as she finishes my work.
++++++++++++++++++
"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect
for humanity. That's how rich I want to be" - Rita Rudner
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- Proof
In case you needed further proof that the human race
is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside (the shoplifter
special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like
regular soap" (and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion:
Defrost" (but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down" (well...duh, a bit late,
huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be
hot after heating" (..and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron
clothes on body" (but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive
a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication" (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5
year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause
drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or
outdoor use only" (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for
the other use" (now, somebody out there, help me on
this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts"
(talk about a news flash).
On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say
what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly" (I don't blame the
company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands or genitals" (..was there a lot
of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn
to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you
want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...
++++++++++++++++++
From a Friend -- The Purpose of a Dog - from a 4 yr. old
How true..... Being a veterinarian, I had been called
to examine a ten-year old Irish Wolfhound named
Belker. The dog's owners, Rob, his wife, Liza, and
their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to
Belker and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I
told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker,
and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for
the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they
thought it would be good for the four-year old Shane
to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane
might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat
as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so
calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I
wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a
few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The
little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition
without any difficulty or confusion We sat together
for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud
about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than
human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I
know why."
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his
mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more
comforting explanation.
He said, "People are born so that they can learn how
to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the
time and being nice, right?"
The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know
how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The Ku Klux Klan
Empire of the South?"
May this day be a good one for all...
ANSWER AT BOTTOM OF TODAY’S hUMOR
++++++++++++++++++
"Coast Guard Lingo"
When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' on the port side!"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"My memory's not as sharp as it used to be - also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be."
++++++++++++++++++
"Recipe"
A new young bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska."
++++++++++++++++++
Climbing the Ladder
by Robert Byron
Sometimes it doesn't pay to be good at what you do. I once told a manager
that, since I had achieved the highest possible staff ranking, I would like
to be considered for a recently created management position. I was told that
it was extremely difficult to find experts in my field and that it would be
nearly impossible to find anyone qualified to replace me. Basically, I was
being told that I was doing such a good job that there was no way I would
ever get promoted. I decided it was time to find a new employment
opportunity.
I found a company that was looking for someone with my qualifications to
perform virtually the same job I was already doing. I applied for the
position and during the interview I asked, "I'm considering leaving my
present job because there is little room for career advancement.
The interviewer replied with, "There are plenty of opportunities for
advancement here." An offer was made and I accepted the position.
After working there for several months, a notice was posted on a bulletin
board announcing the opening of a management position. I promptly applied
for it and was told that I would be notified if an interview was required. I
felt pretty good about the whole thing and was pretty excited about it until
I talked to some of my fellow employees. "They'll never give that job to
you," they said.
"What makes you think that?"
"We have all applied for management positions. They keep telling us that it
would be extremely difficult to find experts in our field and that it would
be nearly impossible to find anyone qualified to replace us."
I must say, their words sounded familiar. "When they interviewed me they
said there were plenty of opportunities for advancement here."
"There are plenty of advancement opportunities here. Just not for us."
Needless to say, I wasn't granted an interview much less the position. I
began to notice that the people I worked with, who did a good job, never
advanced. However, those who were incompetent seemed to excel. It was the
classic "Peter Principle".
For example, my department manager started out as a material handler but
when he couldn't handle that job, he was given the job of machine operator.
Not being able to operate machinery he was promoted to machine mechanic.
Since he failed miserably in that position, he was promoted to department
manager. This was the perfect job for him. He was fully qualified to drink
coffee and have the department secretary do his work for him. If asked a
question with any hint of importance, he would say, "Let me research that
and get back to you. I'd watch as he made his way to the glass cubicle that
he called an office to pose the question to the secretary. He'd return and
say, "Mildred knows more about this than I do. You should talk to her."
My manager wasn't known as a smart man by anyone that I knew and I certainly
didn't want to appear in the same light as him. However, he was oblivious to
how others saw him. He wore his position like a badge. I never applied for
any more management positions with that company but since then I have become
a manager at a major educational institution. I think I'm pretty smart and I
think that other people think I'm doing a good job. Just to be sure, I'm
going to get another cup of coffee and go ask the department secretary. I'm
sure she'll answer my question as soon as she finishes my work.
++++++++++++++++++
"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect
for humanity. That's how rich I want to be" - Rita Rudner
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- Proof
In case you needed further proof that the human race
is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside (the shoplifter
special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like
regular soap" (and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion:
Defrost" (but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down" (well...duh, a bit late,
huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be
hot after heating" (..and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron
clothes on body" (but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive
a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication" (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5
year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause
drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or
outdoor use only" (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for
the other use" (now, somebody out there, help me on
this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts"
(talk about a news flash).
On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say
what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly" (I don't blame the
company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands or genitals" (..was there a lot
of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn
to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you
want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...
++++++++++++++++++
From a Friend -- The Purpose of a Dog - from a 4 yr. old
How true..... Being a veterinarian, I had been called
to examine a ten-year old Irish Wolfhound named
Belker. The dog's owners, Rob, his wife, Liza, and
their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to
Belker and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I
told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker,
and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for
the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they
thought it would be good for the four-year old Shane
to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane
might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat
as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so
calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I
wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a
few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The
little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition
without any difficulty or confusion We sat together
for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud
about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than
human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I
know why."
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his
mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more
comforting explanation.
He said, "People are born so that they can learn how
to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the
time and being nice, right?"
The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know
how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The Ku Klux Klan
Monday, July 24, 2006
hUMOR For July 24th
TRIVIA: What baseball feat was Sal Durante famous for
in 1961?
Ed Howe has this bit of practical advice: "If
you want to know how old a woman is, ask her
sister-in-law." Anyway...
**********ANSWER AT END OF TODAY’S hUMOR
++++++++++++++++++
In 1952 I was in the Army and just arrived in Frankfurt,Germany. I had no money and asked about getting some. I found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.
I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I could get back.
On payday I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.
Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street".
++++++++++++++++++
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn on
the Bible that you will tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
++++++++++++++++++
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then,
another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse
me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water
isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to
the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30
minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for
almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!
++++++++++++++++++
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and
exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- Liquid Gold
Few foods have a foundation in History that olive oil
has. Homer called it liquid Gold.Greek athletes rubbed
it on their bodies.It was used as Medicine,food,and
cosmetic. Olive branches are still emblems of peace.
Today,the venerated Olive is playing a major role in
the area of health.Until recently it was valued
primarily for it's monounsaturated fat,which makes
blood cholesterol and pressure go down.Olive oil
strengthens omega-3 fatty acid's anti-inflammatory
effects.New research reported by the American
Institute for Cancer Research shows that many of olive
oil's health benefits also come from the more than 30
plant compounds it contains.Its antioxidants and
anti-inflammatory promote heart health.
Additionally, olive oil contains compounds that
increase enzymes which block development of cancer
cells, and increase their rate of self destruction.
All types of olive oil provide monounsaturated fat,but
to get the highest levels of protective plant
compounds, extra virgin or virgin oil are the best.
Light olive and pure olive oil are lighter in flavor
and color but not in fat or calorie content,They have
fewer phytochemicals and fewer of protective
qualities. Extra virgin or virgin have more. To keep
olive oil fresh and its protective compounds
intact,store it in refrigerator or a dark,cool place.
Use it it is healthy
++++++++++++++++++
Cell Phone vs Bible
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible
like we treat our cell phones?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn�t live
without it?
What if we gave it to our kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?
This is something to make you go...hmm...where is my
Bible?
anon.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to CRJ: Grandpa Johnson.....
All last year Grandpa and Grandma Johnson had been
receiving $500 checks in the mail every month and
cashing them.
It turns out the insurance company made a mistake with
the address; the checks were intended for another
Edwin P. Johnson.
Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back
$6,000.
Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an
accountant.
His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why
you were receiving checks for doing absolutely
nothing?"
Grandpa answered: "No...I just figured the Democrats
were back in power."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: He is the baseball fan who caught Roger
Maris' record breaking 61st home run ball.
in 1961?
Ed Howe has this bit of practical advice: "If
you want to know how old a woman is, ask her
sister-in-law." Anyway...
**********ANSWER AT END OF TODAY’S hUMOR
++++++++++++++++++
In 1952 I was in the Army and just arrived in Frankfurt,Germany. I had no money and asked about getting some. I found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.
I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I could get back.
On payday I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.
Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street".
++++++++++++++++++
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn on
the Bible that you will tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
++++++++++++++++++
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then,
another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse
me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water
isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to
the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30
minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for
almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!
++++++++++++++++++
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and
exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- Liquid Gold
Few foods have a foundation in History that olive oil
has. Homer called it liquid Gold.Greek athletes rubbed
it on their bodies.It was used as Medicine,food,and
cosmetic. Olive branches are still emblems of peace.
Today,the venerated Olive is playing a major role in
the area of health.Until recently it was valued
primarily for it's monounsaturated fat,which makes
blood cholesterol and pressure go down.Olive oil
strengthens omega-3 fatty acid's anti-inflammatory
effects.New research reported by the American
Institute for Cancer Research shows that many of olive
oil's health benefits also come from the more than 30
plant compounds it contains.Its antioxidants and
anti-inflammatory promote heart health.
Additionally, olive oil contains compounds that
increase enzymes which block development of cancer
cells, and increase their rate of self destruction.
All types of olive oil provide monounsaturated fat,but
to get the highest levels of protective plant
compounds, extra virgin or virgin oil are the best.
Light olive and pure olive oil are lighter in flavor
and color but not in fat or calorie content,They have
fewer phytochemicals and fewer of protective
qualities. Extra virgin or virgin have more. To keep
olive oil fresh and its protective compounds
intact,store it in refrigerator or a dark,cool place.
Use it it is healthy
++++++++++++++++++
Cell Phone vs Bible
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible
like we treat our cell phones?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn�t live
without it?
What if we gave it to our kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?
This is something to make you go...hmm...where is my
Bible?
anon.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to CRJ: Grandpa Johnson.....
All last year Grandpa and Grandma Johnson had been
receiving $500 checks in the mail every month and
cashing them.
It turns out the insurance company made a mistake with
the address; the checks were intended for another
Edwin P. Johnson.
Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back
$6,000.
Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an
accountant.
His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why
you were receiving checks for doing absolutely
nothing?"
Grandpa answered: "No...I just figured the Democrats
were back in power."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: He is the baseball fan who caught Roger
Maris' record breaking 61st home run ball.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
hUMOR For July 23rd
TRIVIA: Which of these famous generals graduated
number one in his class at West Point? A - Douglas
MacArthur; B - Dwight Eisenhower; C - William
Westmoreland; D - George Patton
Robert (Bob) Dole said, "If you're hanging around
with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to
the Senate. You'll get the same feeling and you won't
have to pay." Hmm. On to the real stuff!
ANSWER AT END OF THIS PAGE
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: This is a must see, must hear, for
every red blooded American patriot!AND, this ought to
be taught to every child in school, over and over,
again and again!!
L.B.
Quotes from our Founding Fathers (Also FDR and Ronald
Reagan)
http://www.interviewwithgod.com/patriotic/highband.htm
++++++++++++++++++
What Are We?
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't
get anyone to come out and play with them. They
decided it was because they had not been baptized and
didn't go to Sunday school.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor
was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because
no one will come out and play with us. Will you
baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little
heads in the toilet---one at a time. Then he said,
"You are now baptized".
When they got outside, one of them asked, "What
religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick----because
they pour the water on you.
"We're not Baptis---because they dunk all of you in
the water.
"We're not Methdiss ---because they just sprinkle the
water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell the water?"
They all joined in and said, "Yeah. What do you think
that means?"
"I think we're Piscopalians"
++++++++++++++++++
Feeling Frustrated? Pop the bubbles!
Have you been feeling a little frustrated lately ???
Need an outlet to vent the frustration ???
OKAY... TRY THIS.......
http://www.danpat.fi/janne/flash/kuplamuovi.swf
++++++++++++++++++
"Insufficient Brain Activity"
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with "IBA" or insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late…
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from a friend's forehead." - Chinese Proverb
++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Wanting to be married, a couple came to the county courthouse in Virginia where I work. But they accidentally walked up to the offices where hunting licenses are sold.
"We're from out of state," said the prospective groom. "Can we get a license?"
The clerk replied, "No, but I can give you a three-day permit."
++++++++++++++++++
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial
sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological
observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational
communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified
comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune
babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have
intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical
bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain
vapid verbosity.
In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."
++++++++++++++++++
was visiting a friend who couldn't find her cordless phone.
After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, "You know what
they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never
gets lost."
++++++++++++++++++
"Sometimes there's a fine line between participating in an extreme sport and
just playing a conventional sport very, very badly." - Andy Ihnatko
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: A - Douglas MacArthur. All of the others
failed to finish within the top 45 of their graduating
class.
number one in his class at West Point? A - Douglas
MacArthur; B - Dwight Eisenhower; C - William
Westmoreland; D - George Patton
Robert (Bob) Dole said, "If you're hanging around
with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to
the Senate. You'll get the same feeling and you won't
have to pay." Hmm. On to the real stuff!
ANSWER AT END OF THIS PAGE
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: This is a must see, must hear, for
every red blooded American patriot!AND, this ought to
be taught to every child in school, over and over,
again and again!!
L.B.
Quotes from our Founding Fathers (Also FDR and Ronald
Reagan)
http://www.interviewwithgod.com/patriotic/highband.htm
++++++++++++++++++
What Are We?
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't
get anyone to come out and play with them. They
decided it was because they had not been baptized and
didn't go to Sunday school.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor
was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because
no one will come out and play with us. Will you
baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little
heads in the toilet---one at a time. Then he said,
"You are now baptized".
When they got outside, one of them asked, "What
religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick----because
they pour the water on you.
"We're not Baptis---because they dunk all of you in
the water.
"We're not Methdiss ---because they just sprinkle the
water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell the water?"
They all joined in and said, "Yeah. What do you think
that means?"
"I think we're Piscopalians"
++++++++++++++++++
Feeling Frustrated? Pop the bubbles!
Have you been feeling a little frustrated lately ???
Need an outlet to vent the frustration ???
OKAY... TRY THIS.......
http://www.danpat.fi/janne/flash/kuplamuovi.swf
++++++++++++++++++
"Insufficient Brain Activity"
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with "IBA" or insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late…
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from a friend's forehead." - Chinese Proverb
++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Wanting to be married, a couple came to the county courthouse in Virginia where I work. But they accidentally walked up to the offices where hunting licenses are sold.
"We're from out of state," said the prospective groom. "Can we get a license?"
The clerk replied, "No, but I can give you a three-day permit."
++++++++++++++++++
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial
sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological
observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational
communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified
comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune
babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have
intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical
bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain
vapid verbosity.
In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."
++++++++++++++++++
was visiting a friend who couldn't find her cordless phone.
After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, "You know what
they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never
gets lost."
++++++++++++++++++
"Sometimes there's a fine line between participating in an extreme sport and
just playing a conventional sport very, very badly." - Andy Ihnatko
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: A - Douglas MacArthur. All of the others
failed to finish within the top 45 of their graduating
class.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
hUMOR For July 22nd
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now:
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and water retention
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd prefer low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is lost hearing--now what did you say?
M is memory lapses occurring all day.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few;
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy. Is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for tinnitus; there are bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo--that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry. NOW what's going 'round?
X is for x-ray and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed.
++++++++++++++++++
Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter
family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late
from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the
newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl
sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her,
"Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to
talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
++++++++++++++++++
My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband
told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs
for them.
They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: "When are the
interviews?"
++++++++++++++++++
Definitions
Twenty Something - The cost of a sitter for Saturday night.
Fancy Restaurant - One that serves cold soup on purpose.
College - The four year period when parents are permitted access to the
telephone.
Hors D'oeuvres - A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
Kissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't
see anything wrong with each other.
Emergency Numbers - Police station, Fire Department and Places that
deliver.
++++++++++++++++++
"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as
getting married just because you do." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
++++++++++++++++++
"2 Requests"
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
The woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe."
++++++++++++++++++
"Frustration"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Jane had a system for labelling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now:
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and water retention
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd prefer low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is lost hearing--now what did you say?
M is memory lapses occurring all day.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few;
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy. Is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for tinnitus; there are bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo--that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry. NOW what's going 'round?
X is for x-ray and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed.
++++++++++++++++++
Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter
family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late
from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the
newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl
sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her,
"Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to
talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
++++++++++++++++++
My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband
told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs
for them.
They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: "When are the
interviews?"
++++++++++++++++++
Definitions
Twenty Something - The cost of a sitter for Saturday night.
Fancy Restaurant - One that serves cold soup on purpose.
College - The four year period when parents are permitted access to the
telephone.
Hors D'oeuvres - A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
Kissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't
see anything wrong with each other.
Emergency Numbers - Police station, Fire Department and Places that
deliver.
++++++++++++++++++
"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as
getting married just because you do." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
++++++++++++++++++
"2 Requests"
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
The woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe."
++++++++++++++++++
"Frustration"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Jane had a system for labelling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
Friday, July 21, 2006
hUMOR For July 21st
Wipers
by Robert Byron
A friend of mine used to have an old Ford station wagon that began to run
poorly. He took it to a mechanic who told him that the carburetor was faulty
and he'd have to have a new one.
"Can't you just rebuild it?" my friend asked.
"No," said the mechanic. "An electronic sensor inside the unit has gone bad
and, although the sensor probably only costs a few dollars, the carburetor
is welded shut so there is no way to get in to it."
"How much is a new carburetor?"
"$525."
Kudos to the Ford Motor Company for coming up with a cunning idea to force
patrons to have to spend big bucks on replacement parts. In second place is
the infamous Yugo for having the words, "Do Not Rebuild" stamped prominently
on the engine. Yes, believe it or not, a disposable motor.
This reminds me that I originally intended to write a story about windshield
wipers.
I don't know how they do it but windshield wiper manufacturers have come up
with a couple of surefire ways to get consumers to buy their product. First,
the common windshield wiper found in the wild these days will always wear
out at such a position to cause a streak at perfect eye level. This alone is
not an amazing engineering feat as it would be as simple as developing a
wiper with a weak spot at the average eye level to create the desired
effect. I am rather dazzled, however, as to how they can make a wiper blade
that only wears out on the driver's side.
I don't understand why, when it rains, that I can barely see out of the
drivers side due to the poor performance of the wiper but the wiper on the
passenger side, that is the exact same type wiper and was installed at the
same time, works magnificently. If I lean just a little towards the
passenger side and look through the glass I can see perfectly.
I have decided to design a product to take care of all these automobile
items that wear out and need to be replaced. I call it the "Robeo Auto Parts
Adjuster." You can find it in the automobile department of fine department
stores. You can't miss it. It looks just like a ball peen hammer.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my hometown. But not, like,
cremated or anything." - Mitch Berg
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass
snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants,
and during a cold snap, the wife was bringing a lot of them
indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned
out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one
of the plants, and when it warmed up, it slithered out and
the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud
scream. Her husband, who getting dressed after a shower, ran
out into the living room in his boxer shorts to see what the
problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for
it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him
on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he
fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she
called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in and loaded him on a stretcher and
started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came
out from under the sofa. The emergency medical technician
saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the
man broke his leg and why he wound up in the hospital. The
wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the
snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began
poking around under the sofa. Soon he decided it was gone
and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But
in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where
she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and
fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the
neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to
use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at
the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's
mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a
bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp
to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again
called, and it was determined that the injury required
hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead
faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his
wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by
the snake. She went into the kitchen, brought back a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's
throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the
unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken brawl had occurred. They were about to arrest them
all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened
over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which
took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the snake crawled out from under the sofa. One of
the policemen drew his revolver and fired at it. He missed
the snake and hit the leg of an end table that was on one
side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it
shattered, and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the
drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and
fell through the window into the yard on top of the family
dog, who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street,
where an oncoming car swerved to avoid hitting the dog and
smashed into the parked police car, setting it on fire.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and
the entire house was ablaze.
Neighbors had called the fire department, and the arriving
fire truck had started raising its ladder as they were
halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the
overhead wires and caused the electricity to go out, and
also disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block
area. Time passed... Both men were discharged from the
hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new
police car, and all was right with the world once again.
About a year later, the couple was watching TV and the
weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband
asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their
plants for the night.
She shot him.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Patriotic Father"
On a recent trip to Washington, D.C., my brother-in-law overheard a patriotic father pointing out a well-known building to his son.
"You see that triangular-shaped octagon over there? That's the Pentagon."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't even pretend to know all the questions. Hey look, a Milk Dud!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Weight Room"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby. You can wait there."
by Robert Byron
A friend of mine used to have an old Ford station wagon that began to run
poorly. He took it to a mechanic who told him that the carburetor was faulty
and he'd have to have a new one.
"Can't you just rebuild it?" my friend asked.
"No," said the mechanic. "An electronic sensor inside the unit has gone bad
and, although the sensor probably only costs a few dollars, the carburetor
is welded shut so there is no way to get in to it."
"How much is a new carburetor?"
"$525."
Kudos to the Ford Motor Company for coming up with a cunning idea to force
patrons to have to spend big bucks on replacement parts. In second place is
the infamous Yugo for having the words, "Do Not Rebuild" stamped prominently
on the engine. Yes, believe it or not, a disposable motor.
This reminds me that I originally intended to write a story about windshield
wipers.
I don't know how they do it but windshield wiper manufacturers have come up
with a couple of surefire ways to get consumers to buy their product. First,
the common windshield wiper found in the wild these days will always wear
out at such a position to cause a streak at perfect eye level. This alone is
not an amazing engineering feat as it would be as simple as developing a
wiper with a weak spot at the average eye level to create the desired
effect. I am rather dazzled, however, as to how they can make a wiper blade
that only wears out on the driver's side.
I don't understand why, when it rains, that I can barely see out of the
drivers side due to the poor performance of the wiper but the wiper on the
passenger side, that is the exact same type wiper and was installed at the
same time, works magnificently. If I lean just a little towards the
passenger side and look through the glass I can see perfectly.
I have decided to design a product to take care of all these automobile
items that wear out and need to be replaced. I call it the "Robeo Auto Parts
Adjuster." You can find it in the automobile department of fine department
stores. You can't miss it. It looks just like a ball peen hammer.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my hometown. But not, like,
cremated or anything." - Mitch Berg
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass
snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants,
and during a cold snap, the wife was bringing a lot of them
indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned
out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one
of the plants, and when it warmed up, it slithered out and
the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud
scream. Her husband, who getting dressed after a shower, ran
out into the living room in his boxer shorts to see what the
problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for
it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him
on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he
fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she
called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in and loaded him on a stretcher and
started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came
out from under the sofa. The emergency medical technician
saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the
man broke his leg and why he wound up in the hospital. The
wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the
snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began
poking around under the sofa. Soon he decided it was gone
and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But
in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where
she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and
fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the
neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to
use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at
the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's
mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a
bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp
to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again
called, and it was determined that the injury required
hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead
faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his
wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by
the snake. She went into the kitchen, brought back a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's
throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the
unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken brawl had occurred. They were about to arrest them
all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened
over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which
took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the snake crawled out from under the sofa. One of
the policemen drew his revolver and fired at it. He missed
the snake and hit the leg of an end table that was on one
side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it
shattered, and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the
drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and
fell through the window into the yard on top of the family
dog, who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street,
where an oncoming car swerved to avoid hitting the dog and
smashed into the parked police car, setting it on fire.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and
the entire house was ablaze.
Neighbors had called the fire department, and the arriving
fire truck had started raising its ladder as they were
halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the
overhead wires and caused the electricity to go out, and
also disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block
area. Time passed... Both men were discharged from the
hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new
police car, and all was right with the world once again.
About a year later, the couple was watching TV and the
weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband
asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their
plants for the night.
She shot him.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Patriotic Father"
On a recent trip to Washington, D.C., my brother-in-law overheard a patriotic father pointing out a well-known building to his son.
"You see that triangular-shaped octagon over there? That's the Pentagon."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't even pretend to know all the questions. Hey look, a Milk Dud!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Weight Room"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby. You can wait there."
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
hUMOR For July 19th
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is
Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a
problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot
died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international
competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, senor. He ate the meat of the dead caballo."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky."
"Mr. Lucky! My horse that won the Preakness a few years
back?"
"Si."
"How did he die?"
"He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your hacienda! A candle fell, and the curtains
caught on fire."
"What!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was
the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"FUNERAL? WHAT FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue, and
I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger
Woods Nike Driver."
*SILENCE*
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally
receives thank you notes from members of
school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the
animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window .
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness
Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a
problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot
died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international
competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, senor. He ate the meat of the dead caballo."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky."
"Mr. Lucky! My horse that won the Preakness a few years
back?"
"Si."
"How did he die?"
"He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your hacienda! A candle fell, and the curtains
caught on fire."
"What!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was
the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"FUNERAL? WHAT FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue, and
I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger
Woods Nike Driver."
*SILENCE*
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally
receives thank you notes from members of
school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the
animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window .
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
hUMOR For July 18th
Location, Location, Location
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for some kind of
relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection
of heating pads designed for people with back pain .... all on the
bottom shelf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In keeping with the latest round of military budget cuts and
other funding shortfalls affecting the Department of
Defense, changes will be made to the Joint Federal Travel
Regulations (JFTR).
Lodging:
All military and civilian personnel performing temporary
duty (TDY) are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends
while on government business travel. If weather permits,
public areas such as parks should be used as temporary
lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office
lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Employees are encouraged to stop by local commissaries and
post/base exchanges to pick up cardboard boxes, which will
allow them flexibility in lodging accommodations.
Meals:
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute
minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and
specialty chains, such as Costco, Hickory Farms, General
Nutrition Centers, and occasionally Safeway often provide
free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be
obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar
with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources
available at their destinations. If restaurants must be
utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars.
This is especially effective for employees traveling
together, as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.
Military personnel are also encouraged to bring their own
food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and
Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the
necessary bother of heating or costly preparation. Cost of
these items will not be reimbursed.
Transportation:
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of
commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be
issued to all military personnel prior to their departure on
TDY. Bus transportation will be used only when work
schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be
authorized in extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares
will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in
Washington, D.C., but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Omaha, NE, then travel to Omaha will be
substituted for travel to Washington, D.C.
Miscellaneous:
All military and civilian personnel are encouraged to devise
innovative techniques in an effort to save tax dollars.
Money could be raised during airport layover periods, which
could be used to defray travel expenses. Red caps will be
issued to all personnel prior to their departure so that
they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage.
Small plastic roses and ballpoint pens will also be
available to personnel so that sales may be made as time
permits. Proceeds must be turned into the military finance
section at the conclusion of the TDY.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Millionaire 1-2-3
by Robert Byron
Hi folks. I recently bought a book called Millionaire 1-2-3 by Charles
Ponzi. At first I was skeptical but after taking a look at the testimonials
I was convinced I had bought a winner.
June Cleaver had this to say about the book, "It is a wonderful book. I have
no idea what the author was talking about but it sure looks good on my
bookshelf."
Andy Taylor says, "This is the best book I ever bought. It fits perfectly
under the bent leg of my coffee table. The table hasn't tipped over since."
Carol Brady comments, "It's a great conversation piece. My husband Mike and
I argue about it all the time."
Timmy Martin said, "Originally I thought the million dollar price tag on the
book was a bit too high but after reading it I thought the million dollar
price tag on the book was a bit too high."
How can the book be so extraordinary you ask? Well quite frankly it isn't
but I know you want to ask, "How does Mr. Ponzi's method work?" It's simple.
First, write a book full of gibberish. Second, sell one copy for a million
bucks and third, keep the money. It's just that simple.
I'm sure you are asking yourself, "Isn't there a better way to make a
million dollars?" Well, now there is. My new book, "Millionaire 1-2" will
explain this new and easy way to make a million dollars. Buy your copy today
but hurry; supplies are limited to the first six billion customers. It's
available now at Woolworth and other fine department stores.
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for some kind of
relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection
of heating pads designed for people with back pain .... all on the
bottom shelf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In keeping with the latest round of military budget cuts and
other funding shortfalls affecting the Department of
Defense, changes will be made to the Joint Federal Travel
Regulations (JFTR).
Lodging:
All military and civilian personnel performing temporary
duty (TDY) are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends
while on government business travel. If weather permits,
public areas such as parks should be used as temporary
lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office
lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Employees are encouraged to stop by local commissaries and
post/base exchanges to pick up cardboard boxes, which will
allow them flexibility in lodging accommodations.
Meals:
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute
minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and
specialty chains, such as Costco, Hickory Farms, General
Nutrition Centers, and occasionally Safeway often provide
free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be
obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar
with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources
available at their destinations. If restaurants must be
utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars.
This is especially effective for employees traveling
together, as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.
Military personnel are also encouraged to bring their own
food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and
Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the
necessary bother of heating or costly preparation. Cost of
these items will not be reimbursed.
Transportation:
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of
commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be
issued to all military personnel prior to their departure on
TDY. Bus transportation will be used only when work
schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be
authorized in extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares
will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in
Washington, D.C., but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Omaha, NE, then travel to Omaha will be
substituted for travel to Washington, D.C.
Miscellaneous:
All military and civilian personnel are encouraged to devise
innovative techniques in an effort to save tax dollars.
Money could be raised during airport layover periods, which
could be used to defray travel expenses. Red caps will be
issued to all personnel prior to their departure so that
they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage.
Small plastic roses and ballpoint pens will also be
available to personnel so that sales may be made as time
permits. Proceeds must be turned into the military finance
section at the conclusion of the TDY.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Millionaire 1-2-3
by Robert Byron
Hi folks. I recently bought a book called Millionaire 1-2-3 by Charles
Ponzi. At first I was skeptical but after taking a look at the testimonials
I was convinced I had bought a winner.
June Cleaver had this to say about the book, "It is a wonderful book. I have
no idea what the author was talking about but it sure looks good on my
bookshelf."
Andy Taylor says, "This is the best book I ever bought. It fits perfectly
under the bent leg of my coffee table. The table hasn't tipped over since."
Carol Brady comments, "It's a great conversation piece. My husband Mike and
I argue about it all the time."
Timmy Martin said, "Originally I thought the million dollar price tag on the
book was a bit too high but after reading it I thought the million dollar
price tag on the book was a bit too high."
How can the book be so extraordinary you ask? Well quite frankly it isn't
but I know you want to ask, "How does Mr. Ponzi's method work?" It's simple.
First, write a book full of gibberish. Second, sell one copy for a million
bucks and third, keep the money. It's just that simple.
I'm sure you are asking yourself, "Isn't there a better way to make a
million dollars?" Well, now there is. My new book, "Millionaire 1-2" will
explain this new and easy way to make a million dollars. Buy your copy today
but hurry; supplies are limited to the first six billion customers. It's
available now at Woolworth and other fine department stores.
Monday, July 17, 2006
hUMOR For July 17th
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate
Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass
windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind
me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece
of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After
finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him
gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real
pane!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so
that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the
regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead
soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated,
"Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I
intended to kill someone with it."
The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my
bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and
exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
-Yachtsman's Credo
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on
the back.
My sources are unreliable, but their information is
fascinating. -Ashleigh Brilliant
I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in
alphabetical order like it should be. - Spike Donner from
Ruminations
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to
discover your mistakes. - Antisthenes
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on
earth.
When people tell you how young you look, they are also
telling you how old you are. -Cary Grant
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell
them Benjamin Franklin said it first. -David H. Comins
I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test
a man's character, give him power. -Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and
I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be
visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before
you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very
specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall
or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige
and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of
tan-colored paper.
"Your name?" I asked.
"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both
to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,
pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the
2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you
really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while
they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk
them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the
black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is
the best-looking cow.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd,
so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big teats.
Report violation
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a freshman ROTC cadet, I took part in my first Army field-
training exercise. After a long day of rock-climbing and
rappelling, my platoon settled down for our C-rations. Hungry, we
tore into our cardboard boxes, opening cans of "Chicken or Turkey,
Boned," "Cheese Spread, Cheddar" and "Candy, Chocolate, With
Nougat." Then we came upon a device wrapped in a small brown
envelope, labeled: "Stimulant, Interdental" -- a wooden toothpick.
~Wanda D.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal
that has crushed it.
~Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know
why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school?
But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was
asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She
said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but
not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass
windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind
me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece
of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After
finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him
gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real
pane!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so
that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the
regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead
soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated,
"Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I
intended to kill someone with it."
The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my
bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and
exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
-Yachtsman's Credo
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on
the back.
My sources are unreliable, but their information is
fascinating. -Ashleigh Brilliant
I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in
alphabetical order like it should be. - Spike Donner from
Ruminations
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to
discover your mistakes. - Antisthenes
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on
earth.
When people tell you how young you look, they are also
telling you how old you are. -Cary Grant
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell
them Benjamin Franklin said it first. -David H. Comins
I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test
a man's character, give him power. -Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and
I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be
visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before
you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very
specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall
or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige
and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of
tan-colored paper.
"Your name?" I asked.
"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both
to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,
pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the
2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you
really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while
they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk
them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the
black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is
the best-looking cow.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd,
so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big teats.
Report violation
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a freshman ROTC cadet, I took part in my first Army field-
training exercise. After a long day of rock-climbing and
rappelling, my platoon settled down for our C-rations. Hungry, we
tore into our cardboard boxes, opening cans of "Chicken or Turkey,
Boned," "Cheese Spread, Cheddar" and "Candy, Chocolate, With
Nougat." Then we came upon a device wrapped in a small brown
envelope, labeled: "Stimulant, Interdental" -- a wooden toothpick.
~Wanda D.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal
that has crushed it.
~Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know
why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school?
But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was
asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She
said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but
not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
hUMOR For July 17th
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate
Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass
windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind
me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece
of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After
finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him
gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real
pane!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so
that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the
regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead
soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated,
"Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I
intended to kill someone with it."
The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my
bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and
exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
-Yachtsman's Credo
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on
the back.
My sources are unreliable, but their information is
fascinating. -Ashleigh Brilliant
I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in
alphabetical order like it should be. - Spike Donner from
Ruminations
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to
discover your mistakes. - Antisthenes
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on
earth.
When people tell you how young you look, they are also
telling you how old you are. -Cary Grant
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell
them Benjamin Franklin said it first. -David H. Comins
I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test
a man's character, give him power. -Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and
I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be
visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before
you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very
specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall
or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige
and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of
tan-colored paper.
"Your name?" I asked.
"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both
to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,
pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the
2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you
really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while
they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk
them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the
black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is
the best-looking cow.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd,
so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big teats.
Report violation
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a freshman ROTC cadet, I took part in my first Army field-
training exercise. After a long day of rock-climbing and
rappelling, my platoon settled down for our C-rations. Hungry, we
tore into our cardboard boxes, opening cans of "Chicken or Turkey,
Boned," "Cheese Spread, Cheddar" and "Candy, Chocolate, With
Nougat." Then we came upon a device wrapped in a small brown
envelope, labeled: "Stimulant, Interdental" -- a wooden toothpick.
~Wanda D.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal
that has crushed it.
~Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know
why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school?
But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was
asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She
said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but
not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass
windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind
me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece
of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After
finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him
gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real
pane!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so
that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the
regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead
soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated,
"Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I
intended to kill someone with it."
The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my
bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and
exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
-Yachtsman's Credo
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on
the back.
My sources are unreliable, but their information is
fascinating. -Ashleigh Brilliant
I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in
alphabetical order like it should be. - Spike Donner from
Ruminations
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to
discover your mistakes. - Antisthenes
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on
earth.
When people tell you how young you look, they are also
telling you how old you are. -Cary Grant
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell
them Benjamin Franklin said it first. -David H. Comins
I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test
a man's character, give him power. -Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and
I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be
visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before
you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very
specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall
or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige
and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of
tan-colored paper.
"Your name?" I asked.
"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both
to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,
pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the
2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you
really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while
they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk
them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the
black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is
the best-looking cow.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd,
so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big teats.
Report violation
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a freshman ROTC cadet, I took part in my first Army field-
training exercise. After a long day of rock-climbing and
rappelling, my platoon settled down for our C-rations. Hungry, we
tore into our cardboard boxes, opening cans of "Chicken or Turkey,
Boned," "Cheese Spread, Cheddar" and "Candy, Chocolate, With
Nougat." Then we came upon a device wrapped in a small brown
envelope, labeled: "Stimulant, Interdental" -- a wooden toothpick.
~Wanda D.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal
that has crushed it.
~Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know
why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school?
But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was
asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She
said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but
not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
Sunday, July 16, 2006
hUMOR For July 16th
Math Symbols
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a
greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and
asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"
A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand.
"One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Atlanta lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city contributed
to a fund for his funeral. A noted surgeon was asked to donate a dollar. "Only
a dollar?" said the surgeon, "Only a dollar to bury an attorney? Here's
a $20 bill; go bury 20 more of them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A family had a very beautiful vase that was a family heirloom. Their little
Danny boy had been told, "It is our family treasure." One day there was a loud
crash. Little Danny boy began to wail. His mother ran into the room and
found him crying and the vase broken. She asked him, "What is wrong?"
"I broke the family treasure", he cried.
His mother picked him up and said, "Yes, but you are all right."
When Danny boy became a man he said, "I found out that day that little Vernie
was the real family treasure."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"104 Year Best"
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Don't limit a child to your own learning, for they were born in another time." - Rabbinical Saying
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Obedience"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The
good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."
I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
He said, "They were pedestrians."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Know When You're From Florida When
You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.
Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti O's.
You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
When describing your gutted house to a prospective buyer, you say it has
three bedrooms, two baths and an open air feel to it.
Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
The road leading to your house has been declared a No Wake Zone.
You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a
gallon of gas to get there and back"
Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble
a portable generator by candlelight.
You catch a 13-pound red fish... in your house.
You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.
You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the
Weather Channel.
Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree
worker.
A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
Your child's first words are "hunker down."
Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a
greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and
asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"
A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand.
"One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Atlanta lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city contributed
to a fund for his funeral. A noted surgeon was asked to donate a dollar. "Only
a dollar?" said the surgeon, "Only a dollar to bury an attorney? Here's
a $20 bill; go bury 20 more of them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A family had a very beautiful vase that was a family heirloom. Their little
Danny boy had been told, "It is our family treasure." One day there was a loud
crash. Little Danny boy began to wail. His mother ran into the room and
found him crying and the vase broken. She asked him, "What is wrong?"
"I broke the family treasure", he cried.
His mother picked him up and said, "Yes, but you are all right."
When Danny boy became a man he said, "I found out that day that little Vernie
was the real family treasure."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"104 Year Best"
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Don't limit a child to your own learning, for they were born in another time." - Rabbinical Saying
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Obedience"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The
good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."
I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
He said, "They were pedestrians."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Know When You're From Florida When
You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.
Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti O's.
You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
When describing your gutted house to a prospective buyer, you say it has
three bedrooms, two baths and an open air feel to it.
Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
The road leading to your house has been declared a No Wake Zone.
You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a
gallon of gas to get there and back"
Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble
a portable generator by candlelight.
You catch a 13-pound red fish... in your house.
You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.
You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the
Weather Channel.
Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree
worker.
A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
Your child's first words are "hunker down."
Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
hUMOR For July 15th
"New Diet"
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Actually if ya think about it, you really don't need a whole lot of manners if you're driving a 35 ton truck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tough Kids"
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".
"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".
"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to
a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street
in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything
checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh
at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral
against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000
and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be
there when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vanishing Cream
by Robert Byron
I recently received a spam email claiming that a particular company
manufactured a cream that would firm up a person's buttocks without
exercise. I took the liberty of responding to the company with the following
email:
To whom it may concern,
I received your email today and wanted to take this opportunity to respond
to some of the statements you made in your message.
> Do you suffer from a saggy, unattractive buttocks?
No, but I do have double chin. Is it possible that your product could help
me?
> Wouldn't you love to have those firm buttocks you've always dreamed of?
Actually, my buttocks are just fine. Do you think your product can help me
with my double chin?
> Then you need our revolutionary Buttocks Firming Cream. 100% money back
> guarantee, no exercise required!
What I really need is a revolutionary Double Chin Firming Cream. I hadn't
thought about trying to exercise my double chin and I would be happy to hear
any suggested exercise techniques that you think might help.
Best regards,
Elle McPherson
Shortly afterwards, I received this reply:
Thank you for you inquiry regarding our Buttocks Firming Cream. At this
time, we do not recommend that you use this product on any part of your body
other than the buttocks region. The product has not been tested for or
approved for any other use other than those specifically stated in the
instructions. Use of the product in a manner that differentiates from the
directions will void any and all guarantees made by the manufacturer.
I waited a couple of days before responding with this:
To whom it may concern,
I wish I had read your response to my original email before ordering and
trying your Buttocks Firming Cream on my double chin. Let me say that I'm
sure it is an excellent product for the firming of flabby buttocks, as my
initial results in the reduction of my double chin were quite promising.
However, as time marched on, the cream actually began to shrink my head.
Yesterday, my head was reduced to the size of a baseball. Today it's about
the size of a golf ball. My coworkers are laughing at me and are calling me
"pinhead." Do you make an antidote for this product? I'll pay any price.
Please respond quickly for tomorrow may be too late.
Sincerely,
Elle McPherson
I'm still waiting for a reply.
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Actually if ya think about it, you really don't need a whole lot of manners if you're driving a 35 ton truck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tough Kids"
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".
"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".
"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to
a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street
in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything
checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh
at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral
against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000
and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be
there when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vanishing Cream
by Robert Byron
I recently received a spam email claiming that a particular company
manufactured a cream that would firm up a person's buttocks without
exercise. I took the liberty of responding to the company with the following
email:
To whom it may concern,
I received your email today and wanted to take this opportunity to respond
to some of the statements you made in your message.
> Do you suffer from a saggy, unattractive buttocks?
No, but I do have double chin. Is it possible that your product could help
me?
> Wouldn't you love to have those firm buttocks you've always dreamed of?
Actually, my buttocks are just fine. Do you think your product can help me
with my double chin?
> Then you need our revolutionary Buttocks Firming Cream. 100% money back
> guarantee, no exercise required!
What I really need is a revolutionary Double Chin Firming Cream. I hadn't
thought about trying to exercise my double chin and I would be happy to hear
any suggested exercise techniques that you think might help.
Best regards,
Elle McPherson
Shortly afterwards, I received this reply:
Thank you for you inquiry regarding our Buttocks Firming Cream. At this
time, we do not recommend that you use this product on any part of your body
other than the buttocks region. The product has not been tested for or
approved for any other use other than those specifically stated in the
instructions. Use of the product in a manner that differentiates from the
directions will void any and all guarantees made by the manufacturer.
I waited a couple of days before responding with this:
To whom it may concern,
I wish I had read your response to my original email before ordering and
trying your Buttocks Firming Cream on my double chin. Let me say that I'm
sure it is an excellent product for the firming of flabby buttocks, as my
initial results in the reduction of my double chin were quite promising.
However, as time marched on, the cream actually began to shrink my head.
Yesterday, my head was reduced to the size of a baseball. Today it's about
the size of a golf ball. My coworkers are laughing at me and are calling me
"pinhead." Do you make an antidote for this product? I'll pay any price.
Please respond quickly for tomorrow may be too late.
Sincerely,
Elle McPherson
I'm still waiting for a reply.
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