Doctor Interview
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor
was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"
"Yes," was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee
down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing
parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and
says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United
States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for
others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Jumper"
At the local Starbucks, a little guy exchanged words with a big bald guy and it looked like they were about to go to blows.
"You've got a lot of nerve for such a shrimp!" snarled the big guy.
"Look, you big jerk," barked the little guy. "I'm not scared of anybody, or anything! I come from a long line of jumpers. My great-grandfather jumped with no parachute from a balloon. My grandfather jumped without a 'chute from a biplane. My mother and father both jumped from a jet. And tomorrow, I'll jump from a rocket!"
"You're crazy, you little twerp," said the big guy. "You could get killed!"
"So what?" said the little guy. "I have no family!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Church Leadership"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the
driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always
smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48
miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of
the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7
cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982
cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not
bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000
cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars
that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of
these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of
females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to
Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National
Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously
considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe
men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the
National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons,
and this number is increasing.
That means that every single day, I drive past at least one
female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has
PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? .... I don't think so!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two not so bright country bumpkins were driving a semi down a road when they
came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to
measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.
They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions
and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine
plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were
caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us.
Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the
worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to
bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No
Juan Left Behind." --Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ralph & Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool
and
stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. Swam to the bottom and pulled
Ralph out.
When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered
her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said "Edna, I have good
news
&
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving
the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act
displays
&g t; sound mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself in
the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I
am
so
sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied " He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon
can I go home?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,
fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and
keep alert for alligators while in Alachua, Dixie, Marion, Lake, Collier,
Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators
unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with
an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should learn to recognize the difference between small young
alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly
bird feathers.
Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
hUMOR For June 29th
Compliments to the Chef
I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening I
worked particularly hard on a new recipe and, once again, it didn't
turn out as well as I'd hoped.
My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words
carefully after the meal. "Mom," he said, "that dinner was so good I
thought someone else made it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Knowing the Numbers"
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clinic Change"
The Mayo Clinic, getting on board with today's diet and health conscious society, just changed its name.
It's now the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the
bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is
everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat,
brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper
shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him
for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned his doctor, waking him up. "I'm really sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."
Still half asleep, the doctor reminded him that he had removed his wife's inflamed appendix a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" the doctor asked.
"You may not have heard of a second appendix, doc," the man replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife."
I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening I
worked particularly hard on a new recipe and, once again, it didn't
turn out as well as I'd hoped.
My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words
carefully after the meal. "Mom," he said, "that dinner was so good I
thought someone else made it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Knowing the Numbers"
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clinic Change"
The Mayo Clinic, getting on board with today's diet and health conscious society, just changed its name.
It's now the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the
bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is
everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat,
brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper
shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him
for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned his doctor, waking him up. "I'm really sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."
Still half asleep, the doctor reminded him that he had removed his wife's inflamed appendix a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" the doctor asked.
"You may not have heard of a second appendix, doc," the man replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife."
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
hUMOR For June 28th
Message Puzzle
Sally was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on
her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family,
and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."
We were talking about something else at the moment but I had her
check her voice mail message anyway to see if there was a clue. She
discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle when she dialed her own
phone number.
Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so please leave a
beep after the message."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lost In Jail"
I was reviewing my client's case with him in prison when it was announced that visitors had 15 minutes to leave or be locked in for the three-hour prison head count. I bade my client farewell and left. But somehow, I managed to get lost on my way out. Desperate for directions to the exit, I noticed some men wearing orange jumpsuits. Mistaking them for workmen, I called out to one of them -- a no-neck, barrel-chested man.
"Sir," I said, "I need to get out of here."
He shrugged and said, "Lady, so do I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up." - Robert Frost
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Parenting
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father. "Now in the future you will always come downstairs like that."
"OK," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven
pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much
larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring
my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed
impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up
to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5%
more baby!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While visiting my mother in the hospital
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Repeat after me. Put the toilet seat down and be kind to animals. Now every
single time you think of putting the toilet seat down and being kind to
animals you'll think of the Christian hUMOR List. Try this
trick on your friends and family. It's a great party game as well.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
Sally was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on
her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family,
and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."
We were talking about something else at the moment but I had her
check her voice mail message anyway to see if there was a clue. She
discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle when she dialed her own
phone number.
Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so please leave a
beep after the message."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lost In Jail"
I was reviewing my client's case with him in prison when it was announced that visitors had 15 minutes to leave or be locked in for the three-hour prison head count. I bade my client farewell and left. But somehow, I managed to get lost on my way out. Desperate for directions to the exit, I noticed some men wearing orange jumpsuits. Mistaking them for workmen, I called out to one of them -- a no-neck, barrel-chested man.
"Sir," I said, "I need to get out of here."
He shrugged and said, "Lady, so do I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up." - Robert Frost
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Parenting
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father. "Now in the future you will always come downstairs like that."
"OK," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven
pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much
larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring
my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed
impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up
to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5%
more baby!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While visiting my mother in the hospital
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Repeat after me. Put the toilet seat down and be kind to animals. Now every
single time you think of putting the toilet seat down and being kind to
animals you'll think of the Christian hUMOR List. Try this
trick on your friends and family. It's a great party game as well.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
hUMOR For 27th
The Robot Bartender
The Robot Bartender
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender working behind the counter.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ, sir?"
The man replies, "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and the inaccuracies in The DaVinci Code.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool. I wonder if it works every time?" He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "About a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's body parts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, about 50, I think."
And the robot says....real slow,
"So..... is... your... party... gonna... nominate... Hillary... for.. president ???
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Explorer
by Robert Byron
Henry had been exploring the mountain wilderness for what seemed like an
eternity and a day but in reality it had only been two days. He had come to
know the area like a blind man knows the back of a complete strangers hand
and now he was lost in this unforgiving land that was void of fast food
restaurants and dry cleaners because he was too lazy to take the map out of
his back pocket of his Levi Strauss and Company original 501 denim jeans.
His hunger churned like the waves of a stormy sea but Henry would not have
known that fact because he had never been to the ocean. He decided that he
must eat before pressing on.
He opened a can of beans and was reminded of a time that seemed so long ago
but was only a week ago when he had been having dinner with the former
governor of the state who had resigned when it was found out that he had
bribed government officials to pass a law allowing riverboat gambling on
public airlines. Yes, that day he had eaten a healthy portion of beans and
broccoli casserole but he had no time to think about such things now. Even
though he longed for a can of potted meat, he knew that he had to find his
way back to civilization and he had to do so quickly as this was his last
can of beans except for the three dozen or so that he had stashed away in
his backpack along with two pairs of pants, seven shirts, eight pairs of
socks and an extra pair of underwear. Henry knew that if he failed to find
his way back he would surely starve in a matter of weeks unless he were able
to find an ample supply of food that he thought he could probably find
without much trouble at all. His belly full of beans, Henry moved onward.
The mountains surrounded the valley like really, really big things
surrounding a really, really little thing and Henry climbed the mountain
like a speeding locomotive wouldn't. He climbed higher and higher and higher
and higher and higher until he was almost to the summit and then he climbed
higher and higher and higher until he reached the top. He had no time to
rest but he decided that he would rest and while he rested he surveyed the
area like a dog looking for a big juicy bone that had just been cut off a
steak and tossed like a boomerang into the wind. In the distance he could
see the sun setting like a one hundred pound lead pipe falling on a four
ounce rotten orange and smashing it into oblivion. He decided to camp there
for the night and his thoughts turned to the woman he loved but who had just
broken up with him because he was co-dependant and didn't floss regularly
and was always leaving his socks in the fish bowl.
Henry awoke the next morning and decided he had explored all he needed of
the wilderness of trees and woodland creatures. It was time he went home to
his empty house except for all his furniture and a big pile of money and
other possessions and his two roommates and their stuff. He pulled the map
from his back pocket and calculated that over the next ridge was highway 187
and if he took the north route he could turn left on route 33 and follow it
to the lake that holds water and fish, he'd be home by early evening. So
that's what he did and he even had time to stop at Stuckeys and have a pecan
log roll.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"There's a big storm named Alberto heading towards Florida and CNN said that
Florida residents should have a survival plan to take care of themselves in
case, you know, FEMA shows up." - Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thought for today...
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking. (LOL)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOST IN THE FIFTIES
A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.
In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things, someone was always home.
We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.
We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family just one room would work out fine
We only had one TV set, and channels, maybe two,
But always there was one of them with something worth the view.
For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.
Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.
Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.
Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were, without our own cell phone.
Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to watching movies from your car.
Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.
Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.
Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?
The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.
Remember going to the store when the skies were oh so sunny,
And when you paid for what you got you used your very own money?
Nothing you had to swipe or punch, or put in some amount,
and you had a friendly cashier that actually could count?
The milkman went from door to door,
For just a few cents more than a trip to the store.
The mail was delivered right to your door,
Without the junk mail that we all deplore.
There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.
They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style.
One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed disc they called a forty-five.
The record player had a post to keep them all in line,
And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.
Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
As always we were striving, to find a better way.
But how the simple lives we led, still seems like so much fun,
when the only way to explain a game, was just kick the can and run?
And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?
This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology but I really miss those days.
So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Southern Comments
Exclamations:"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!""Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."Threats:"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle.""This'll jar your preserves.""Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"Good Things/Compliments:"Cute as a sack full of puppies.""If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.""Gooder than grits."The Weather:"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.""It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."Descriptions:A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats.""He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."Insults:"She's uglier than homemade soap.""Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'""He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.""Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.""The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
This one is for everyone who
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she
said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For those who know, this'll bring ya a smile. For non-southerners,
this'll hep ya a mite.
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
"yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going
to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in
the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can
be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're "in l ine," .. we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, yall is singular, .... all yall is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who d rive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart"
... and go your own way.
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff, .... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, all yall need a sign to hang on yalls front porch that reads
"I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
____
Bless your hearts, & yall have a blessed day.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Larry P., Kendall P., and Dan are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says Larry P.
"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
"Woof," says Kendall P.
"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
"Potatoes," says Dan.
The Robot Bartender
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender working behind the counter.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ, sir?"
The man replies, "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and the inaccuracies in The DaVinci Code.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool. I wonder if it works every time?" He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "About a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's body parts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, about 50, I think."
And the robot says....real slow,
"So..... is... your... party... gonna... nominate... Hillary... for.. president ???
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Explorer
by Robert Byron
Henry had been exploring the mountain wilderness for what seemed like an
eternity and a day but in reality it had only been two days. He had come to
know the area like a blind man knows the back of a complete strangers hand
and now he was lost in this unforgiving land that was void of fast food
restaurants and dry cleaners because he was too lazy to take the map out of
his back pocket of his Levi Strauss and Company original 501 denim jeans.
His hunger churned like the waves of a stormy sea but Henry would not have
known that fact because he had never been to the ocean. He decided that he
must eat before pressing on.
He opened a can of beans and was reminded of a time that seemed so long ago
but was only a week ago when he had been having dinner with the former
governor of the state who had resigned when it was found out that he had
bribed government officials to pass a law allowing riverboat gambling on
public airlines. Yes, that day he had eaten a healthy portion of beans and
broccoli casserole but he had no time to think about such things now. Even
though he longed for a can of potted meat, he knew that he had to find his
way back to civilization and he had to do so quickly as this was his last
can of beans except for the three dozen or so that he had stashed away in
his backpack along with two pairs of pants, seven shirts, eight pairs of
socks and an extra pair of underwear. Henry knew that if he failed to find
his way back he would surely starve in a matter of weeks unless he were able
to find an ample supply of food that he thought he could probably find
without much trouble at all. His belly full of beans, Henry moved onward.
The mountains surrounded the valley like really, really big things
surrounding a really, really little thing and Henry climbed the mountain
like a speeding locomotive wouldn't. He climbed higher and higher and higher
and higher and higher until he was almost to the summit and then he climbed
higher and higher and higher until he reached the top. He had no time to
rest but he decided that he would rest and while he rested he surveyed the
area like a dog looking for a big juicy bone that had just been cut off a
steak and tossed like a boomerang into the wind. In the distance he could
see the sun setting like a one hundred pound lead pipe falling on a four
ounce rotten orange and smashing it into oblivion. He decided to camp there
for the night and his thoughts turned to the woman he loved but who had just
broken up with him because he was co-dependant and didn't floss regularly
and was always leaving his socks in the fish bowl.
Henry awoke the next morning and decided he had explored all he needed of
the wilderness of trees and woodland creatures. It was time he went home to
his empty house except for all his furniture and a big pile of money and
other possessions and his two roommates and their stuff. He pulled the map
from his back pocket and calculated that over the next ridge was highway 187
and if he took the north route he could turn left on route 33 and follow it
to the lake that holds water and fish, he'd be home by early evening. So
that's what he did and he even had time to stop at Stuckeys and have a pecan
log roll.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"There's a big storm named Alberto heading towards Florida and CNN said that
Florida residents should have a survival plan to take care of themselves in
case, you know, FEMA shows up." - Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thought for today...
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking. (LOL)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOST IN THE FIFTIES
A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.
In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things, someone was always home.
We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.
We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family just one room would work out fine
We only had one TV set, and channels, maybe two,
But always there was one of them with something worth the view.
For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.
Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.
Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.
Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were, without our own cell phone.
Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to watching movies from your car.
Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.
Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.
Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?
The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.
Remember going to the store when the skies were oh so sunny,
And when you paid for what you got you used your very own money?
Nothing you had to swipe or punch, or put in some amount,
and you had a friendly cashier that actually could count?
The milkman went from door to door,
For just a few cents more than a trip to the store.
The mail was delivered right to your door,
Without the junk mail that we all deplore.
There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.
They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style.
One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed disc they called a forty-five.
The record player had a post to keep them all in line,
And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.
Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
As always we were striving, to find a better way.
But how the simple lives we led, still seems like so much fun,
when the only way to explain a game, was just kick the can and run?
And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?
This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology but I really miss those days.
So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Southern Comments
Exclamations:"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!""Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."Threats:"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle.""This'll jar your preserves.""Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"Good Things/Compliments:"Cute as a sack full of puppies.""If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.""Gooder than grits."The Weather:"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.""It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."Descriptions:A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats.""He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."Insults:"She's uglier than homemade soap.""Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'""He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.""Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.""The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
This one is for everyone who
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she
said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For those who know, this'll bring ya a smile. For non-southerners,
this'll hep ya a mite.
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
"yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going
to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in
the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can
be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're "in l ine," .. we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, yall is singular, .... all yall is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who d rive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart"
... and go your own way.
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff, .... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, all yall need a sign to hang on yalls front porch that reads
"I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
____
Bless your hearts, & yall have a blessed day.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Larry P., Kendall P., and Dan are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says Larry P.
"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
"Woof," says Kendall P.
"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
"Potatoes," says Dan.
Monday, June 26, 2006
hUMOR For June 26th
When Jack was employed at his denomination's headquarters, it was customary
for all employees to pause for prayer each morning at 9:00. A "prayer bell"
signaled the beginning and ending of this daily routine.
Occasionally, though, employees would find themselves on the phone during
prayer time, and the entire office, now quiet, would overhear their
conversation.
One morning during prayer time, a co-worker named Paul could be heard in the
office, shouting, "Hello? Hello? I can hear you. Can you hear me?"
After the ending bell, I overheard someone else comment, "I think Paul's
having a hard time getting through to the Lord this morning."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two bestsellers the
person in front of me was prepared to purchase:
"Conversations With God" and "How to Argue and Win Everytime."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Would Jesus Do?" is a good philosophy for life but I find that it
rarely helps me decide between paper or plastic."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Flight Fear"
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
--- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
--- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
--- Don't think of it as getting hot Flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Great Poopie
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie comes out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie- The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- Thats where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) - The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet.
Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the public restroom, and there are two people waiting for your stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the water.
I Just Found My Pee-Pee Poopie- The kind where a young teenage boy goes into the bathroom with the new Victoria's Secret catalog, and comes out 10 minutes later without flushing the toilet.
The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to see all the different colors in your poopie, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again.
The Show-And-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with you own poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends can appreciate it too.
Half Poopie- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to bowl and half stays hanging........ ( a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare)
Suprise Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a suprise poopie as a bonus.
Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall asleep.
He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying bright red pressure circle on the back of your legs for all to see.
for all employees to pause for prayer each morning at 9:00. A "prayer bell"
signaled the beginning and ending of this daily routine.
Occasionally, though, employees would find themselves on the phone during
prayer time, and the entire office, now quiet, would overhear their
conversation.
One morning during prayer time, a co-worker named Paul could be heard in the
office, shouting, "Hello? Hello? I can hear you. Can you hear me?"
After the ending bell, I overheard someone else comment, "I think Paul's
having a hard time getting through to the Lord this morning."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two bestsellers the
person in front of me was prepared to purchase:
"Conversations With God" and "How to Argue and Win Everytime."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Would Jesus Do?" is a good philosophy for life but I find that it
rarely helps me decide between paper or plastic."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Flight Fear"
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
--- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
--- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
--- Don't think of it as getting hot Flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Great Poopie
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie comes out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie- The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- Thats where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) - The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet.
Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the public restroom, and there are two people waiting for your stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the water.
I Just Found My Pee-Pee Poopie- The kind where a young teenage boy goes into the bathroom with the new Victoria's Secret catalog, and comes out 10 minutes later without flushing the toilet.
The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to see all the different colors in your poopie, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again.
The Show-And-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with you own poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends can appreciate it too.
Half Poopie- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to bowl and half stays hanging........ ( a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare)
Suprise Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a suprise poopie as a bonus.
Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall asleep.
He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying bright red pressure circle on the back of your legs for all to see.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
hUMOR For June 25th
Athena
During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here you can see the
beautiful statue of Athena...".
"Excuse me, madam," a visitor interjects. "Who is that man behind
her? Is he her husband?"
"No, Athena wasn't married. She was the goddess of wisdom."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today Is National Mental Health day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to at least one unstable person......
(Well...my job's done!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Oriskany Falls"
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.
A few minutes later, she piped up again "Are we there yet, sonny? Have we reached Oriskany Falls?"
Once again, he replied "No, not yet. I'll let you know when we get there!"
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.
Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sense of Humor"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A forestry-service employee was recording the rainfall in his area. One drizzly day, his thoughts were apparently elsewhere as he typed "thirty three inches" instead of "thirty-three hundredths of an inch" into the computer.
It was obvious that the machine had been programmed by someone with a sense of humor, for this message quickly appeared on the screen "Build the ark. Gather the animals two by two..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington,
DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I
showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki
uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he
said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the
sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe,
shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now
all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The husband, a devout meat-and-potatoes man, listened as his wife described
a friend who was a vegetarian. "Could you imagine never having a steak
again," she asked him, "and living on food like tofu, fruit, vegetables and
salad?"
"That stuff isn't food," he snorted. "That's what food eats!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its
people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When
can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno
During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here you can see the
beautiful statue of Athena...".
"Excuse me, madam," a visitor interjects. "Who is that man behind
her? Is he her husband?"
"No, Athena wasn't married. She was the goddess of wisdom."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today Is National Mental Health day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to at least one unstable person......
(Well...my job's done!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Oriskany Falls"
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.
A few minutes later, she piped up again "Are we there yet, sonny? Have we reached Oriskany Falls?"
Once again, he replied "No, not yet. I'll let you know when we get there!"
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.
Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sense of Humor"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A forestry-service employee was recording the rainfall in his area. One drizzly day, his thoughts were apparently elsewhere as he typed "thirty three inches" instead of "thirty-three hundredths of an inch" into the computer.
It was obvious that the machine had been programmed by someone with a sense of humor, for this message quickly appeared on the screen "Build the ark. Gather the animals two by two..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington,
DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I
showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki
uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he
said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the
sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe,
shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now
all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The husband, a devout meat-and-potatoes man, listened as his wife described
a friend who was a vegetarian. "Could you imagine never having a steak
again," she asked him, "and living on food like tofu, fruit, vegetables and
salad?"
"That stuff isn't food," he snorted. "That's what food eats!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its
people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When
can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno
Saturday, June 24, 2006
hUMOR For 24th
"What is This?"
A Rabbi, a Priest and a Salvation Army pastor walk into a bar.
The bartender says to them, "What is this - a joke?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Sign on the door of a marriage license bureau: 'Out to Lunch. Think it over.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Monkey Poker"
Q: Why don't the monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?
A: There are just too many Cheetahs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Exchange Policy
by Robert Byron
When my wife and I became engaged to be married, my father in-law to be
joked with me about how it used to be customary in some American Indian
cultures for the groom to offer something in return for the hand of a mans
daughter. "For instance," he said, "a young brave might give his future
wife's father a horse and blanket in exchange for permission to marry his
daughter."
I told him that I would keep that in mind.
During the course of our wedding planning, my wife and I purchased a toy
horse and a small blanket to present to her father at the rehearsal dinner.
We figured we would have the last laugh on this one and couldn't wait until
we could "make the trade."
As is customary at a rehearsal dinner, we handed out gifts to the
bridesmaids and groomsmen. Afterwards, we announced that we had a gift for
my fiancé's father and explained that it used to be customary in some
American Indian cultures for the groom to offer something in return for the
hand of a mans daughter. We handed over a small wrapped box and my father
in-law to be chuckled as he opened it in anticipation of the joke at hand.
Everyone had a good laugh as he held up the toy horse and blanket for our
families and friends to see.
Gripping his prize and with a smile on his face, he turned to me and said,
"Just remember; no refunds, no returns. All sales are final."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican
border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job.
They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people.
Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush
when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's
lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few
nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do
while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes
alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Church Attendance by Steve Higginbotham
A preacher was getting a little concerned about the
lagging attendance at the congregation where he
preached. So in the weekly church bulletin, the
preacher wrote the following:
This . . . is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . .
church . . . sometimes .. . looks . . . to . . .
the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes .
. . into . . . the . . . pulpit. . . to . . . deliver
. . . his . . .message.
Howeveritwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch.
Point Made!
Friends, beware! Much like an automobile, a Christian
usually begins to miss before he completely quits!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: SPONGES
There are 5 sponges laying on your kitchen counter
top. Each member of your family has been cleaning up
different areas of your home, but all the sponges look
the same. You are curious as to what was cleaned in
your home, but you can't tell by looking...they all
look the same....so what do you do?
You squeeze each sponge to see what comes out.
As you squeeze the first sponge, you see that cola
comes out, and so you decide that someone cleaned the
kitchen with that one.
Upon squeezing the second sponge, you find tub and
tile cleaner -- that one was used to clean the
bathroom.
Next, in the third sponge, you find motor oil -- hubby
was cleaning the garage!
In the fourth sponge, baby powder puffs out when it is
squeezed -- yep, the baby's nursery was done with that
one!
And finally, in the last one, is floor wax -- that was
the one you used on the hall floor!
As you lay the last one down, you look again at their
similarity -- and they all look the same until they're
squeezed.
Christians are the same way.
As life squeezes us, different things come out --
anger from one, a need for revenge from another, tears
from one, remorse from yet another -- also greed,
untruth, lust -- and finally, from one saint, pours
forth the love of Christ.
Just like the sponge, we can only squeeze out what is
put in -- stay in the Word daily, and be in continuous
prayer, so that when life puts the squeeze on you (and
it WILL), Jesus, and Jesus ALONE will shine forth from
you!
Have a blessed, squeaky clean day!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always
do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a
signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman
held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your
house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the
keys I had left in the door.
A Rabbi, a Priest and a Salvation Army pastor walk into a bar.
The bartender says to them, "What is this - a joke?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Sign on the door of a marriage license bureau: 'Out to Lunch. Think it over.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Monkey Poker"
Q: Why don't the monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?
A: There are just too many Cheetahs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Exchange Policy
by Robert Byron
When my wife and I became engaged to be married, my father in-law to be
joked with me about how it used to be customary in some American Indian
cultures for the groom to offer something in return for the hand of a mans
daughter. "For instance," he said, "a young brave might give his future
wife's father a horse and blanket in exchange for permission to marry his
daughter."
I told him that I would keep that in mind.
During the course of our wedding planning, my wife and I purchased a toy
horse and a small blanket to present to her father at the rehearsal dinner.
We figured we would have the last laugh on this one and couldn't wait until
we could "make the trade."
As is customary at a rehearsal dinner, we handed out gifts to the
bridesmaids and groomsmen. Afterwards, we announced that we had a gift for
my fiancé's father and explained that it used to be customary in some
American Indian cultures for the groom to offer something in return for the
hand of a mans daughter. We handed over a small wrapped box and my father
in-law to be chuckled as he opened it in anticipation of the joke at hand.
Everyone had a good laugh as he held up the toy horse and blanket for our
families and friends to see.
Gripping his prize and with a smile on his face, he turned to me and said,
"Just remember; no refunds, no returns. All sales are final."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican
border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job.
They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people.
Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush
when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's
lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few
nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do
while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes
alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Church Attendance by Steve Higginbotham
A preacher was getting a little concerned about the
lagging attendance at the congregation where he
preached. So in the weekly church bulletin, the
preacher wrote the following:
This . . . is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . .
church . . . sometimes .. . looks . . . to . . .
the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes .
. . into . . . the . . . pulpit. . . to . . . deliver
. . . his . . .message.
Howeveritwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch.
Point Made!
Friends, beware! Much like an automobile, a Christian
usually begins to miss before he completely quits!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: SPONGES
There are 5 sponges laying on your kitchen counter
top. Each member of your family has been cleaning up
different areas of your home, but all the sponges look
the same. You are curious as to what was cleaned in
your home, but you can't tell by looking...they all
look the same....so what do you do?
You squeeze each sponge to see what comes out.
As you squeeze the first sponge, you see that cola
comes out, and so you decide that someone cleaned the
kitchen with that one.
Upon squeezing the second sponge, you find tub and
tile cleaner -- that one was used to clean the
bathroom.
Next, in the third sponge, you find motor oil -- hubby
was cleaning the garage!
In the fourth sponge, baby powder puffs out when it is
squeezed -- yep, the baby's nursery was done with that
one!
And finally, in the last one, is floor wax -- that was
the one you used on the hall floor!
As you lay the last one down, you look again at their
similarity -- and they all look the same until they're
squeezed.
Christians are the same way.
As life squeezes us, different things come out --
anger from one, a need for revenge from another, tears
from one, remorse from yet another -- also greed,
untruth, lust -- and finally, from one saint, pours
forth the love of Christ.
Just like the sponge, we can only squeeze out what is
put in -- stay in the Word daily, and be in continuous
prayer, so that when life puts the squeeze on you (and
it WILL), Jesus, and Jesus ALONE will shine forth from
you!
Have a blessed, squeaky clean day!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always
do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a
signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman
held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your
house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the
keys I had left in the door.
Friday, June 23, 2006
hUMOR For June 23rd
"Ten Minute Wait"
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:
"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press eight. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you wait."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn well." - Charles Haddon Spurgeon
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Customer Service"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness.
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ... "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A truck driver was traveling down the freeway. A sign came
up that read, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knew it, the
bridge was directly ahead of him and then he got stuck under
it. Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car arrived. The cop got out of his car
and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his
hips, and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of gas."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers' convention.
When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting,
"Okay everyone, say fees!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's
unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Immigration is the big issue right now. Earlier today, the Senate voted to
build a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. Experts say a 370-mile
fence is the perfect way to protect a border that is 1,900 miles
long." --Conan O'Brien
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
50th Wedding Anniversary
At my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a
photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these
styles have come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:
"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press eight. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you wait."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn well." - Charles Haddon Spurgeon
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Customer Service"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness.
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ... "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A truck driver was traveling down the freeway. A sign came
up that read, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knew it, the
bridge was directly ahead of him and then he got stuck under
it. Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car arrived. The cop got out of his car
and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his
hips, and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of gas."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers' convention.
When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting,
"Okay everyone, say fees!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's
unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Immigration is the big issue right now. Earlier today, the Senate voted to
build a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. Experts say a 370-mile
fence is the perfect way to protect a border that is 1,900 miles
long." --Conan O'Brien
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
50th Wedding Anniversary
At my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a
photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these
styles have come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
Thursday, June 22, 2006
hUMOR For June 22nd
Roughing It
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip
that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about
how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to
hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.
"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization,
what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.
She replied, "You."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a
car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I'll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,"
said the driver.
"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.
"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.
"No, I'm not getting in the car," answered the boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the
driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo--you
live with it!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"High Blood Pressure"
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for dinner." - Scott E. Frank
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Einstein Burger"
"Have you been to that new 'Einstein Burger' yet?"
"Why yes I have."
"How was it?"
"Relatively good."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J and G B -- In an effort to determine the
top crime fighting agency in the country, the
president narrowed the field to three finalist, the
CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.
The three remaining contenders were given the task of
catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.
The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal
informants throughout. They questioned all plant and
mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigation they concluded that rabbits do not
exist.
The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without
a capture, they burned the forest killing everything
in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies.
The rabbit deserved it.
The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours
later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a
rabbit".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spaghetti Sauce
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her
haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it
sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it
was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison
Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the
sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest
volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called
out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the
spaghetti sauce turned out."
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip
that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about
how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to
hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.
"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization,
what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.
She replied, "You."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a
car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I'll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,"
said the driver.
"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.
"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.
"No, I'm not getting in the car," answered the boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the
driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo--you
live with it!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"High Blood Pressure"
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for dinner." - Scott E. Frank
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Einstein Burger"
"Have you been to that new 'Einstein Burger' yet?"
"Why yes I have."
"How was it?"
"Relatively good."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J and G B -- In an effort to determine the
top crime fighting agency in the country, the
president narrowed the field to three finalist, the
CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.
The three remaining contenders were given the task of
catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.
The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal
informants throughout. They questioned all plant and
mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigation they concluded that rabbits do not
exist.
The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without
a capture, they burned the forest killing everything
in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies.
The rabbit deserved it.
The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours
later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a
rabbit".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spaghetti Sauce
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her
haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it
sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it
was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison
Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the
sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest
volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called
out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the
spaghetti sauce turned out."
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
hUMOR For June 21st
Forgetful
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer
his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask
whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see,
I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I
put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or
what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I
really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone,
"Pay me in advance."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Famous Last Words"
* Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.
* Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.
* Don't worry, it's not used any more.
* Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.
* Yes of course the elastic is strong enough.
* I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.
* I thought it tasted rather strange.
* You have driven this before, haven't you?
* And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?
* It's OK, I saw them do it on TV.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Work"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced, "Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work."
An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement, "Resume all unnecessary work."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Florida officer pulled over an eighty-year-old teacher
because her hand signals were confusing.
"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then
you waved your hand up and down, then you turned left," said
the officer.
"I decided not to turn right," she explained.
"Then why the up and down?" asked the officer.
"Officer," she sniffed, "I was erasing!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the
utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house.
They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No
way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee
and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain
terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid
electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way
document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot
for the pole.
I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home
from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of
my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a
hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I
drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid
to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in
the middle of my driveway.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain
things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this "slippage", I
went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.
After an hour I slipped out, I took the same course, given by the same
professor, last year.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"'The Da Vinci Code' made $74 million over the weekend. It came in just
behind a gas station out in Queens." - Dave Letterman
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer
his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask
whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see,
I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I
put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or
what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I
really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone,
"Pay me in advance."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Famous Last Words"
* Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.
* Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.
* Don't worry, it's not used any more.
* Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.
* Yes of course the elastic is strong enough.
* I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.
* I thought it tasted rather strange.
* You have driven this before, haven't you?
* And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?
* It's OK, I saw them do it on TV.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Work"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced, "Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work."
An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement, "Resume all unnecessary work."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Florida officer pulled over an eighty-year-old teacher
because her hand signals were confusing.
"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then
you waved your hand up and down, then you turned left," said
the officer.
"I decided not to turn right," she explained.
"Then why the up and down?" asked the officer.
"Officer," she sniffed, "I was erasing!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the
utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house.
They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No
way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee
and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain
terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid
electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way
document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot
for the pole.
I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home
from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of
my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a
hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I
drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid
to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in
the middle of my driveway.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain
things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this "slippage", I
went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.
After an hour I slipped out, I took the same course, given by the same
professor, last year.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"'The Da Vinci Code' made $74 million over the weekend. It came in just
behind a gas station out in Queens." - Dave Letterman
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
hUMOR For June 20th
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated
cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she
was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get
moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
"I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a
book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I
decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room.
While I was cleaning, I found the same darn book. I had
bought it a couple of years ago!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dissatisfaction Guaranteed
by Robert Byron
My wife and I were shopping in the furniture department of a local discount
store. The "department" consisted of two aisles dedicated to such items as
bookshelves, lamps, computer desks, end tables and various other relatively
small furniture items. Needless to say, one need not worry about getting
lost while looking at furniture in this particular store. We found a
bookshelf that we were interested in purchasing but we couldn't find a
price. At the end of the aisle was a "courtesy phone" for inquiring about
such things, so my wife picked up the phone and told the person on the other
end that she wanted to know the price of the bookshelf.
The customer service person responded, "I'll send some one out to check the
price on that item. Where is it located?"
"Common sense, I would think, should have told this person that the
bookshelf would be in the furniture section but my wife politely responded
with, "It's in the furniture department."
"Where in the furniture department is it?"
My wife looked around just to make sure she hadn't been mistaken as to the
size of the department and confirmed to herself that the furniture
department took up less than one percent of the total floor space of the
store. It's under the big orange sign that says 'Furniture Department.' You
can't miss it."
"Someone will be there in a few minutes."
After waiting for fifteen minutes without having an employee come to our
aid, my wife called back. "I called a while ago for a price check on a
bookshelf and I'm still waiting for help."
"Yes ma'am. I sent someone and they said they couldn't find you."
"Did they go to the furniture department?"
"I'm not sure. Let me check." After a short pause, the customer service
person said, " Where in the furniture department are you?"
"I'm under the big orange sign that says 'Furniture Department.'"
"Okay. Someone will be right there."
After waiting for another ten minutes, we gave up a decided to look for a
shower curtain for our bathroom. My wife wanted a burgundy colored curtain
but the curtains that were labeled burgundy were more of a sick looking rust
color. "This is obviously labeled wrong," my wife said. "I saw this same
brand in their store across town and the ones labeled burgundy weren't rust
colored." We started looking through the shower curtains but burgundy was
not to be found.
"Maybe they have some in the back," I said.
"My wife found a nearby courtesy phone and called for assistance. "I'm
looking for a burgundy shower curtain and don't see any on the shelf. Could
you have someone check the stock in the back to see if you have one?"
"Are you the lady who called about the bookshelf?"
"Yes I am."
"Did anyone help you with that?"
At this point my wife is thinking that there was a punchline coming. Perhaps
the customer service person was about to tell her that she won't get help
with this either. "No. Nobody ever came to help us."
"I'm very sorry about that ma'am. Are you still in the furniture
department?"
"No. I'm in the 'Bed and Bath' section under a big green sign that says,
'Bed and Bath.' I need help with a shower curtain."
"Do you still need a price check on the bookshelf?"
"No. I want to see if you have any burgundy shower curtains in stock."
"I'll send someone to you right now."
After about five minutes or so, we caught sight of a store employee
wandering around doing absolutely nothing. "Excuse me, my wife asked. "Could
you help us with something?"
"Are you the one who called about the bookshelf?"
"Yes but we aren't interested in that anymore. We want to know if you have
any burgundy shower curtains in stock."
"Did you look on the shelf?"
We could not believe what this person had just said and I replied, "Look on
the shelf? What a novel idea! Of course we looked on the shelf."
The employee began rummaging through the shower curtains. "Here's one," he
exclaimed.
"That's not burgundy. It's rust colored."
"No it's burgundy. See, it says so right on the package."
"I see what the package says but that is not burgundy. Can you look in the
back and see if you have any more?"
"But this is burgundy."
"That is not burgundy. Is there someone else who can help us?"
The employee picked up the courtesy phone and explained to his supervisor
that he needed some assistance. A few moments later, the supervisor arrived
and we explained the situation.
"I completely understand what you are saying," the supervisor told us.
"However, these shower curtains are part of our new line and they might be
labeled differently from ones we have had in the past. I'm sure that this is
what the manufacturer is calling burgundy even though it appears to be rust
color."
My wife asked, "If you were looking for a burgundy shower curtain, would you
buy this one because it is labeled as burgundy?"
"Probably not," laughed the supervisor. "I see your point."
"Do you think it might be remotely possible that this curtain was mislabeled
and that you might have an actual burgundy colored curtain somewhere in the
back?"
"I don't think so but we'll be glad to check for you."
The supervisor sent her employee to the stock room to check. A few moments
later he returned with a handful of correctly labeled burgundy shower
curtains. We expressed to the supervisor our displeasure in having wasted
our time waiting for the item. "If someone had checked to begin with, like
we asked, we would already have made our purchase and been on our way."
The supervisor apologized and agreed that someone should have checked the
stock as soon as we had asked. With the ordeal of the shower curtain over,
we began to make our way to the checkout counter.
We passed by a shelf of movies and one of them caught my eye. "Look at
this," I told my wife. "Here's that movie I've been looking for!"
"Why don't you get it?"
I picked up the movie and examined it. "I don't see a price on it."
We looked at each other for a moment. Without either of us having said a
word, I placed the movie back on the shelf and we went home.
© Copyright 2006 Robert Byron
All Rights Reserved
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"The bird flu movie, here's what it is, the bird flu is coming, and
government officials are slow to react to the coming disaster. Where do they
get this stuff?" - David Letterman
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TF: Hot air
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat
below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help
me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet
above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49. 09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a
Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told
me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to
make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a
Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You've risen to where you are due
to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise
that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME
to solve your problem. And you're in EXACTLY the same
position you were in before we met, but somehow now
it's MY fault!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let's give the Last Laugh to JLH today for all of the
following... Are we getting old???????
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is
hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is
on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios
in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by
mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She
puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other
sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The
94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up
and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I
going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having
tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock
on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing
golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other,
"Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied,
"it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am
I. Let's have a drink."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS Now this one is just too Precious...lol
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week! to
play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me
... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least
three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his
car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-
both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through
a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to
another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been
red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three
red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she
was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get
moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
"I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a
book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I
decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room.
While I was cleaning, I found the same darn book. I had
bought it a couple of years ago!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dissatisfaction Guaranteed
by Robert Byron
My wife and I were shopping in the furniture department of a local discount
store. The "department" consisted of two aisles dedicated to such items as
bookshelves, lamps, computer desks, end tables and various other relatively
small furniture items. Needless to say, one need not worry about getting
lost while looking at furniture in this particular store. We found a
bookshelf that we were interested in purchasing but we couldn't find a
price. At the end of the aisle was a "courtesy phone" for inquiring about
such things, so my wife picked up the phone and told the person on the other
end that she wanted to know the price of the bookshelf.
The customer service person responded, "I'll send some one out to check the
price on that item. Where is it located?"
"Common sense, I would think, should have told this person that the
bookshelf would be in the furniture section but my wife politely responded
with, "It's in the furniture department."
"Where in the furniture department is it?"
My wife looked around just to make sure she hadn't been mistaken as to the
size of the department and confirmed to herself that the furniture
department took up less than one percent of the total floor space of the
store. It's under the big orange sign that says 'Furniture Department.' You
can't miss it."
"Someone will be there in a few minutes."
After waiting for fifteen minutes without having an employee come to our
aid, my wife called back. "I called a while ago for a price check on a
bookshelf and I'm still waiting for help."
"Yes ma'am. I sent someone and they said they couldn't find you."
"Did they go to the furniture department?"
"I'm not sure. Let me check." After a short pause, the customer service
person said, " Where in the furniture department are you?"
"I'm under the big orange sign that says 'Furniture Department.'"
"Okay. Someone will be right there."
After waiting for another ten minutes, we gave up a decided to look for a
shower curtain for our bathroom. My wife wanted a burgundy colored curtain
but the curtains that were labeled burgundy were more of a sick looking rust
color. "This is obviously labeled wrong," my wife said. "I saw this same
brand in their store across town and the ones labeled burgundy weren't rust
colored." We started looking through the shower curtains but burgundy was
not to be found.
"Maybe they have some in the back," I said.
"My wife found a nearby courtesy phone and called for assistance. "I'm
looking for a burgundy shower curtain and don't see any on the shelf. Could
you have someone check the stock in the back to see if you have one?"
"Are you the lady who called about the bookshelf?"
"Yes I am."
"Did anyone help you with that?"
At this point my wife is thinking that there was a punchline coming. Perhaps
the customer service person was about to tell her that she won't get help
with this either. "No. Nobody ever came to help us."
"I'm very sorry about that ma'am. Are you still in the furniture
department?"
"No. I'm in the 'Bed and Bath' section under a big green sign that says,
'Bed and Bath.' I need help with a shower curtain."
"Do you still need a price check on the bookshelf?"
"No. I want to see if you have any burgundy shower curtains in stock."
"I'll send someone to you right now."
After about five minutes or so, we caught sight of a store employee
wandering around doing absolutely nothing. "Excuse me, my wife asked. "Could
you help us with something?"
"Are you the one who called about the bookshelf?"
"Yes but we aren't interested in that anymore. We want to know if you have
any burgundy shower curtains in stock."
"Did you look on the shelf?"
We could not believe what this person had just said and I replied, "Look on
the shelf? What a novel idea! Of course we looked on the shelf."
The employee began rummaging through the shower curtains. "Here's one," he
exclaimed.
"That's not burgundy. It's rust colored."
"No it's burgundy. See, it says so right on the package."
"I see what the package says but that is not burgundy. Can you look in the
back and see if you have any more?"
"But this is burgundy."
"That is not burgundy. Is there someone else who can help us?"
The employee picked up the courtesy phone and explained to his supervisor
that he needed some assistance. A few moments later, the supervisor arrived
and we explained the situation.
"I completely understand what you are saying," the supervisor told us.
"However, these shower curtains are part of our new line and they might be
labeled differently from ones we have had in the past. I'm sure that this is
what the manufacturer is calling burgundy even though it appears to be rust
color."
My wife asked, "If you were looking for a burgundy shower curtain, would you
buy this one because it is labeled as burgundy?"
"Probably not," laughed the supervisor. "I see your point."
"Do you think it might be remotely possible that this curtain was mislabeled
and that you might have an actual burgundy colored curtain somewhere in the
back?"
"I don't think so but we'll be glad to check for you."
The supervisor sent her employee to the stock room to check. A few moments
later he returned with a handful of correctly labeled burgundy shower
curtains. We expressed to the supervisor our displeasure in having wasted
our time waiting for the item. "If someone had checked to begin with, like
we asked, we would already have made our purchase and been on our way."
The supervisor apologized and agreed that someone should have checked the
stock as soon as we had asked. With the ordeal of the shower curtain over,
we began to make our way to the checkout counter.
We passed by a shelf of movies and one of them caught my eye. "Look at
this," I told my wife. "Here's that movie I've been looking for!"
"Why don't you get it?"
I picked up the movie and examined it. "I don't see a price on it."
We looked at each other for a moment. Without either of us having said a
word, I placed the movie back on the shelf and we went home.
© Copyright 2006 Robert Byron
All Rights Reserved
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"The bird flu movie, here's what it is, the bird flu is coming, and
government officials are slow to react to the coming disaster. Where do they
get this stuff?" - David Letterman
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TF: Hot air
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat
below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help
me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet
above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49. 09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a
Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told
me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to
make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a
Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You've risen to where you are due
to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise
that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME
to solve your problem. And you're in EXACTLY the same
position you were in before we met, but somehow now
it's MY fault!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let's give the Last Laugh to JLH today for all of the
following... Are we getting old???????
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is
hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is
on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios
in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by
mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She
puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other
sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The
94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up
and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I
going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having
tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock
on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing
golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other,
"Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied,
"it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am
I. Let's have a drink."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS Now this one is just too Precious...lol
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week! to
play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me
... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least
three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his
car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-
both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through
a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to
another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been
red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three
red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Monday, June 19, 2006
hUMOR For June 19th
Delivery Suspicion
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I
first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house,
I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left
in the door.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since a friend of mine is rather overweight, whenever she flies, she requests a seat belt extender from the flight attendant.
On a recent trip, she was removing the belt when she noticed it had a small brass plate etched with a statement that the belt was in compliance with the Federal Aviation Admininistration Technical Standard Order specifying the construction of such extenders.
However, what she saw at the time was the engraved message: Conforms to FAATSO
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dressing Down"
When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks.
A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look, like, twenty years younger.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad." - Julian Wakefield
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Fatherhood Cycle"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."
7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."
12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."
14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."
21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"
25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."
30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."
35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."
40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."
50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."
60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64
to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s
jive talk." --Tina Fey
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Foot Rule"
There is a formula for figuring out how bed space is allocated. It is called the "FootRule". You start by determining the total number of feet (as in those at the end of the legs, not the kind made up by inches). Then you divide that total by the number of feet belonging to the person(s) or dog(s) in question.
This is how it works:
You and husband share your bed with 1 dog. You and your spouse total 4 feet and the dog also has 4 feet. That is a total of 8 feet. The dog has 4 out of
8 feet or 50%, therefore, the dog gets 50% of the bed.
You could work this in reverse as well. You have 2 out of 8 feet or 25% and so does your spouse, so each of you gets 25% and the dog gets 50%.
Now I have 5 dogs. At 4 feet per dog, that is 20 feet. Add to that my 2 feet and we have a total of 22 feet in the bed. I have 2 out of 22 feet which is 1/11th or 9.1% of the bed. The dogs, since they share a total of 20 of 22 feet, get 10/11ths or 90.9% of the bed. Simple isn't it?!
Once I figured out my percentage of the bed space, the next step was to work out the exact area that I am entitled to. My bed is a California King which is approximately 6 ft x 7 ft. Here is the math:
6 ft x 7 ft = 42 square feet
42 square feet = 6048 square inches
9.1% of 6048 = 550 square inches
550 square inches = 45.8 total inches
45.8 inches = 3.8 total feet
In order to determine the exact size of my bed space, I needed to know the percentage of length to width - this comes out to 54% long to 46% wide. When I apply these percentages to my spot:
550 square inches x 54% = 297 square inches 550 square inches x 46% = 253 square inches
297 square inches = 24.7 inches
253 square inches = 21.1 inches
24.7 inches = 2.1 feet
21.1 inches = 1.8 feet
Now that the math's are all done, the figures show that the dimensions of my part of the bed are 2.1 feet by 1.8 feet or in other words, I sleep on my pillow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her
classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought
she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a
damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by
his farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he
yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's
friend.
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let he who is without aim cast the first stone.
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I
first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house,
I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left
in the door.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since a friend of mine is rather overweight, whenever she flies, she requests a seat belt extender from the flight attendant.
On a recent trip, she was removing the belt when she noticed it had a small brass plate etched with a statement that the belt was in compliance with the Federal Aviation Admininistration Technical Standard Order specifying the construction of such extenders.
However, what she saw at the time was the engraved message: Conforms to FAATSO
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dressing Down"
When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks.
A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look, like, twenty years younger.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad." - Julian Wakefield
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Fatherhood Cycle"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."
7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."
12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."
14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."
21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"
25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."
30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."
35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."
40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."
50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."
60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64
to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s
jive talk." --Tina Fey
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Foot Rule"
There is a formula for figuring out how bed space is allocated. It is called the "FootRule". You start by determining the total number of feet (as in those at the end of the legs, not the kind made up by inches). Then you divide that total by the number of feet belonging to the person(s) or dog(s) in question.
This is how it works:
You and husband share your bed with 1 dog. You and your spouse total 4 feet and the dog also has 4 feet. That is a total of 8 feet. The dog has 4 out of
8 feet or 50%, therefore, the dog gets 50% of the bed.
You could work this in reverse as well. You have 2 out of 8 feet or 25% and so does your spouse, so each of you gets 25% and the dog gets 50%.
Now I have 5 dogs. At 4 feet per dog, that is 20 feet. Add to that my 2 feet and we have a total of 22 feet in the bed. I have 2 out of 22 feet which is 1/11th or 9.1% of the bed. The dogs, since they share a total of 20 of 22 feet, get 10/11ths or 90.9% of the bed. Simple isn't it?!
Once I figured out my percentage of the bed space, the next step was to work out the exact area that I am entitled to. My bed is a California King which is approximately 6 ft x 7 ft. Here is the math:
6 ft x 7 ft = 42 square feet
42 square feet = 6048 square inches
9.1% of 6048 = 550 square inches
550 square inches = 45.8 total inches
45.8 inches = 3.8 total feet
In order to determine the exact size of my bed space, I needed to know the percentage of length to width - this comes out to 54% long to 46% wide. When I apply these percentages to my spot:
550 square inches x 54% = 297 square inches 550 square inches x 46% = 253 square inches
297 square inches = 24.7 inches
253 square inches = 21.1 inches
24.7 inches = 2.1 feet
21.1 inches = 1.8 feet
Now that the math's are all done, the figures show that the dimensions of my part of the bed are 2.1 feet by 1.8 feet or in other words, I sleep on my pillow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her
classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought
she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a
damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by
his farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he
yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's
friend.
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let he who is without aim cast the first stone.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
hUMOR For June 17th
Cart Ads
My father is a skilled CPA, but is not great at self-promotion. So
when an advertising company offered to put my father's business
placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the
chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be
traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and
I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From Jokes: The Essential Guide to Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = My correct decision should be
obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby
thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today
you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and
find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2 from M/M Riverrats --
Grocery Store
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is
nine, the other is four. The nine year old grabs a box
of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the
register for checkout.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom,
huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."
The cashier responds, "Well, they must be for your
sister then?"
The nine year old says, "Nope, not for my sister
either."
By this time, the cashier was curious. "Oh. Well, if
they're not for your mom and they're not for your
sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says, "They're for my four-year-old
little brother."
The cashier is surprised. "Your four-year-old little
brother?"
So the nine year old explains, "Well yeah, they say on
TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a
bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
Dormitory Rules
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all
male students, so too the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a
third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there
any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Um,
How much for a season pass?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't know
anything about that. He is too old to remember his
childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad. He is
so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly out of
date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks.
After all, he's had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing until I
talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He
was so wise.
Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I
could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate
how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.
Writer Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Leak Repair"
My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The first myth of management is that it exists."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dad Question"
Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.
"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny.
Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."
"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mummy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mummy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Priest Hole"
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.
"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Out of Time
by Robert Byron
When a machine broke down, I called the manufacturer for technical support.
I told the service technician that I suspected that the timing of the
machine was incorrect and was the source of my problem. I asked for the
correct procedure to set the timing.
The technician replied, "The correct term is phase not timing. Please refer
to the problem as the machine being out of phase."
It was obvious that he knew what I was talking about but, evidently, he was
a technical jargon snob. When the timing is off it means that a part of the
machine hasn't moved to a position where it is supposed to be when it is
supposed to be there. When a machine is out of phase it means that a part of
the machine is not at the proper degree or angle when it is supposed to be
there. They both mean the same thing. I asked the technician what the
difference was between "being out of time" and "being out of phase." He said
there was a difference but couldn't tell me what it was.
He agreed when I told him that I knew there was a difference between the two
but it was just one of those things you knew but couldn't put into words. I
explained how it could be dangerous if the two occurred at the same time.
Again he agreed. "I once saw it happen," I told him." It caused the space
time continuum to get out of phase. The guy who was working on the machine
was transported back in time and I had to wait five years for him to get
back and fix the machine."
There was a moment of silence. "So do you want to know how to fix the
machine or not?"
"That would be great but hurry. I'm running out of time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Bush administration is tightening immigration now. In order to cross
the United States, you have to have legal documentation. If you want to get
into the United States you have to have legal documentation or a 95 mile an
hour fast ball." --David Letterman
My father is a skilled CPA, but is not great at self-promotion. So
when an advertising company offered to put my father's business
placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the
chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be
traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and
I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From Jokes: The Essential Guide to Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = My correct decision should be
obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby
thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today
you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and
find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2 from M/M Riverrats --
Grocery Store
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is
nine, the other is four. The nine year old grabs a box
of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the
register for checkout.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom,
huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."
The cashier responds, "Well, they must be for your
sister then?"
The nine year old says, "Nope, not for my sister
either."
By this time, the cashier was curious. "Oh. Well, if
they're not for your mom and they're not for your
sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says, "They're for my four-year-old
little brother."
The cashier is surprised. "Your four-year-old little
brother?"
So the nine year old explains, "Well yeah, they say on
TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a
bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
Dormitory Rules
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all
male students, so too the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a
third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there
any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Um,
How much for a season pass?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't know
anything about that. He is too old to remember his
childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad. He is
so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly out of
date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks.
After all, he's had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing until I
talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He
was so wise.
Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I
could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate
how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.
Writer Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Leak Repair"
My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The first myth of management is that it exists."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dad Question"
Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.
"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny.
Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."
"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mummy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mummy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Priest Hole"
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.
"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Out of Time
by Robert Byron
When a machine broke down, I called the manufacturer for technical support.
I told the service technician that I suspected that the timing of the
machine was incorrect and was the source of my problem. I asked for the
correct procedure to set the timing.
The technician replied, "The correct term is phase not timing. Please refer
to the problem as the machine being out of phase."
It was obvious that he knew what I was talking about but, evidently, he was
a technical jargon snob. When the timing is off it means that a part of the
machine hasn't moved to a position where it is supposed to be when it is
supposed to be there. When a machine is out of phase it means that a part of
the machine is not at the proper degree or angle when it is supposed to be
there. They both mean the same thing. I asked the technician what the
difference was between "being out of time" and "being out of phase." He said
there was a difference but couldn't tell me what it was.
He agreed when I told him that I knew there was a difference between the two
but it was just one of those things you knew but couldn't put into words. I
explained how it could be dangerous if the two occurred at the same time.
Again he agreed. "I once saw it happen," I told him." It caused the space
time continuum to get out of phase. The guy who was working on the machine
was transported back in time and I had to wait five years for him to get
back and fix the machine."
There was a moment of silence. "So do you want to know how to fix the
machine or not?"
"That would be great but hurry. I'm running out of time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Bush administration is tightening immigration now. In order to cross
the United States, you have to have legal documentation. If you want to get
into the United States you have to have legal documentation or a 95 mile an
hour fast ball." --David Letterman
Friday, June 16, 2006
hUMOR For June 16th
Longevity
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned
to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people
die between the ages of 103 and 104."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For
bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little
boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in
the winter, and it stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek, and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
water.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided that today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated
away.
That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down. Knowing
he was in trouble, the little boy asked why. The dad
replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy nodded meekly. Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped
down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he
told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father
wasn't in that cherry tree!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The old man was always telling his grandson about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a
dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the U.S. today. So, it's official.
He's the last one. Turn out the lights. They are all here now." - Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CanalHeights -- Cell Phone vs. Bible
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible
like we treat our cell phones.
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets
What if we turned back to go get it if we for got it
What if we flipped through it several times a day
What if we used it to receive messages from the text
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it
What if we gave it to kids as gifts
What if we used it as we traveled
What if we used it in case of an emergency
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Words of Wisdom
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and
take without forgetting.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer Service
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home
improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring
from under my hood.
Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the
first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was
standing behind the Customer Service counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a
fire extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the action or process of ceasing to
feel resentment or anger against another person for an
offence or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or
restitution. Forgiveness may be considered simply in
terms of the feelings of the person who forgives, or
in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and
the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be
granted without any expectation of compensation, and
without any response on the part of the offender (for
example, one may forgive a person who is dead). In
practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender
to offer some form of apology or restitution, or even
just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged
person to believe they are able to forgive.
Most world religions include teachings on the nature
of forgiveness, and many of these teachings provide an
underlying basis for the varying modern day theories
and practices of forgiveness. Instances of teachings
on forgiveness such as the parable of the Prodigal Son
and Mahatma Gandhi's forgiveness of his assassin as he
lay dying, are well known instances of such teachings
and practices of forgiveness. Some religious doctrines
or philosophies place greater emphasis on the need for
humans to find some sort of divine forgiveness for
their own shortcomings, others place greater emphasis
on the need for humans to practice forgiveness between
one another, yet others make little or no distinction
between human and/ or divine forgiveness.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This Should Help Explain It All...
A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have
an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Michigan
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington DC
Any Questions?
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned
to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people
die between the ages of 103 and 104."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For
bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little
boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in
the winter, and it stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek, and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
water.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided that today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated
away.
That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down. Knowing
he was in trouble, the little boy asked why. The dad
replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy nodded meekly. Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped
down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he
told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father
wasn't in that cherry tree!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The old man was always telling his grandson about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a
dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the U.S. today. So, it's official.
He's the last one. Turn out the lights. They are all here now." - Jay Leno
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CanalHeights -- Cell Phone vs. Bible
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible
like we treat our cell phones.
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets
What if we turned back to go get it if we for got it
What if we flipped through it several times a day
What if we used it to receive messages from the text
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it
What if we gave it to kids as gifts
What if we used it as we traveled
What if we used it in case of an emergency
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Words of Wisdom
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and
take without forgetting.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer Service
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home
improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring
from under my hood.
Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the
first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was
standing behind the Customer Service counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a
fire extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the action or process of ceasing to
feel resentment or anger against another person for an
offence or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or
restitution. Forgiveness may be considered simply in
terms of the feelings of the person who forgives, or
in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and
the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be
granted without any expectation of compensation, and
without any response on the part of the offender (for
example, one may forgive a person who is dead). In
practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender
to offer some form of apology or restitution, or even
just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged
person to believe they are able to forgive.
Most world religions include teachings on the nature
of forgiveness, and many of these teachings provide an
underlying basis for the varying modern day theories
and practices of forgiveness. Instances of teachings
on forgiveness such as the parable of the Prodigal Son
and Mahatma Gandhi's forgiveness of his assassin as he
lay dying, are well known instances of such teachings
and practices of forgiveness. Some religious doctrines
or philosophies place greater emphasis on the need for
humans to find some sort of divine forgiveness for
their own shortcomings, others place greater emphasis
on the need for humans to practice forgiveness between
one another, yet others make little or no distinction
between human and/ or divine forgiveness.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This Should Help Explain It All...
A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have
an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Michigan
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington DC
Any Questions?
Thursday, June 15, 2006
hUMOR For June 15th
Thanks to JLH: One Liners
** How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat
before it's no longer a healthy choice?
** If you want a happy and healthy horse do you have
to have a stable environment?
** If it weren't for 50 percent of the people would
the other 50 percent be everybody?
** Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?
** Is it true that God made you a unique
individual.... just like everyone else?
** Is time really just God's way of keeping
everything from happening at once?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
** Female Golfing Terms **
** Chipping: Time to get our nails done again.
** Double Bogie: "Casablanca" followed by "African
Queen."
** Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to
lunch.
** Greens: Lunch we eat when we'd really love a
cheeseburger.
** Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own
shirts.
** Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty
much anything.
** Slice: "No thanks. . .just a sliver." road trip.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to JLH: GRANDPARENT STORIES
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and
proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed
into their room, putting them back to bed with stern
warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was
THAT?"
***
A mother was telling her little girl what her own
childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front
yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in
the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this
in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know
you sooner!"
***
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I
mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are
we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
***
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
father's keyboard. She told him she was writing a
story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know,"
she replied. "I can't read."
***
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point
out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun
for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the
door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try
to figure out some of these yourself!"
***
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's
wife,"
***
Our five-year-old son couldn't wait to tell his father
about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000
Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus
had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling,
my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the
submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark
replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
***
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them
before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.
The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
***
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear,
Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
***
A second grader came home from school and said to her
mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make
babies today." The mother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's
interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y"
to "i" and add 'es'" (What English teacher wouldn't
love that one?)
***
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what
was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got
to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these
army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said,
"Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up
is soldiers in your cup!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third
child brought the argument to a close. "They use the
dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And the Last Laugh -- from this compilation of humor
from JLH -- ***
Subject: Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a
public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the
young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top 10 things a Teenage daughter Want to Hear
10. "Let me explain what 'deductible' means on car
insurance."
9. "Your mom's almost ready. Where are we going on our
double date?"
8. "Seems to me last year's prom dress still has some life
in it."
7. "I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday
night."
6. "We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid."
5. "Let's get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar
of coins."
4. "I am proud that you decided to keep the family unibrow."
3. "You don't need to go shopping after all. I picked out a
purse for you on my way home."
2. "I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that
you're really hoping he'll ask you to the dance."
1. "By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Missing Bags"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Complaints
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am
so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea,
arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the
eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What
don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The income tax form has been simplified beyond all understanding."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Parts of Me"
"I may not be funny but parts of me are humerus."
** How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat
before it's no longer a healthy choice?
** If you want a happy and healthy horse do you have
to have a stable environment?
** If it weren't for 50 percent of the people would
the other 50 percent be everybody?
** Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?
** Is it true that God made you a unique
individual.... just like everyone else?
** Is time really just God's way of keeping
everything from happening at once?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
** Female Golfing Terms **
** Chipping: Time to get our nails done again.
** Double Bogie: "Casablanca" followed by "African
Queen."
** Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to
lunch.
** Greens: Lunch we eat when we'd really love a
cheeseburger.
** Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own
shirts.
** Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty
much anything.
** Slice: "No thanks. . .just a sliver." road trip.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to JLH: GRANDPARENT STORIES
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and
proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed
into their room, putting them back to bed with stern
warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was
THAT?"
***
A mother was telling her little girl what her own
childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front
yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in
the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this
in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know
you sooner!"
***
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I
mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are
we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
***
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
father's keyboard. She told him she was writing a
story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know,"
she replied. "I can't read."
***
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point
out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun
for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the
door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try
to figure out some of these yourself!"
***
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's
wife,"
***
Our five-year-old son couldn't wait to tell his father
about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000
Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus
had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling,
my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the
submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark
replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
***
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them
before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.
The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
***
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear,
Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
***
A second grader came home from school and said to her
mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make
babies today." The mother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's
interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y"
to "i" and add 'es'" (What English teacher wouldn't
love that one?)
***
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what
was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got
to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these
army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said,
"Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up
is soldiers in your cup!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third
child brought the argument to a close. "They use the
dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And the Last Laugh -- from this compilation of humor
from JLH -- ***
Subject: Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a
public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the
young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top 10 things a Teenage daughter Want to Hear
10. "Let me explain what 'deductible' means on car
insurance."
9. "Your mom's almost ready. Where are we going on our
double date?"
8. "Seems to me last year's prom dress still has some life
in it."
7. "I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday
night."
6. "We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid."
5. "Let's get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar
of coins."
4. "I am proud that you decided to keep the family unibrow."
3. "You don't need to go shopping after all. I picked out a
purse for you on my way home."
2. "I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that
you're really hoping he'll ask you to the dance."
1. "By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Missing Bags"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Complaints
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am
so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea,
arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the
eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What
don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The income tax form has been simplified beyond all understanding."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Parts of Me"
"I may not be funny but parts of me are humerus."
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