Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were
just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down
the fairway, and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's
wrong?"
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed, and dried his eyes
some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm
sorry, I always get emotional at this hole -- it holds very
difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have
gotten you so upset?"
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low
voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years
ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack -- right at
this very hole!"
"Oh no!" the other golfers said. "That must have been
horrible!"
"Horrible? You think it's horrible?" Bob cried in disbelief.
"It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day,
all the way back to the clubhouse it was... hit the ball,
drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Yesterdays Edition of Tomorrows Edition, Today."
Work with a bunch of nuts? Wish you did? Answer no to both questions? Got
milk? Whoa! Let me back up a second and start over. Work with a bunch of
nuts? Wish you did? Answer no to both questions? Got milk? Well then you
need to check out Absolute Robeo's "Borlan" to take a glimpse at some nuts
Robeo used to work with. It can only be seen at Absolute Robeo,
http://AbsoluteRobeo.com?Borlan today, tomorrow or the next day or the day
after that and the day after that...
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A redneck girl went on a trip to Italy with her father. When they returned
from their tour, she informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities,
but most of all he loved Venice.
"Venice, huh?" said the friend. "I can understand why your father would like
Venice with its gondolas and all."
"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it best
because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
A young soldier was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C. He spent his spare time
fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon he became a
guide of sorts for some senior noncommissioned officers. Once, a chief
master sergeant hooked a 20-pond striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto
the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the
water.
He noticed a puzzled look on the face of the young soldier. He explained,
"Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes
than I do."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says "Pretend it's
your IQ."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J and G B: The Donkey and The Raffle
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a
donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer
agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son,
but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money
back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it
already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two
dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two
dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of
Enron...
*******************************************************
Thanks to LaMi -- The Preacher and The Cab Driver at
Heaven�s Gate
A preacher and a New York City taxi driver arrived at
heaven's gates at the same time. Although the taxi
driver looked a bit rough, he was given the royal
treatment and rewarded bountifully upon his arrival.
The preacher thought, "Man! If that taxi driver is
being rewarded so well, I can't imagine what I'll
receive!" However, it turned out that the preacher's
treatment and rewards were meager by comparison. The
preacher said to the gatekeeper, "I was a minister for
45 years. Why is the taxi driver being treated so
much better?"
The gatekeeper replied, "For 45 years you preached,
and people were put to sleep. For 45 years he drove a
taxi, and people got on their knees to pray!"
*******************************************************
Thanks to JLH: Gasoline
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was
out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when
she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas
station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy
some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can
he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until
it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she
decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She
looked for something in her car that she could fill
with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the
patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the
station, filled it with gas, and carried the full
bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men
watched from across the street. One of them turned to
the other and said, "If it starts,I'm turning
Catholic."
*******************************************************
Thanks to C-Towns -- Problems solved
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border,
Take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans, and
Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve
today?
*******************************************************
From Kathie -- GoodBye Mother
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick
up a few things when he noticed an old lady following
him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued
on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got
in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you
has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you
look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there
anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say,
'Goodbye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much
better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was
leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he
stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his
total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few
things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said
the clerk.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
hUMOR For May 30th
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of a ten-point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles
back up the trail."
"You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer
back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is
going to steal Henry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Rise and Fall of the SUV
by Robert Byron
I don't understand the television ads that attempt to link the ownership of
SUV's to aiding terrorism. The commercials are funded by "The Detroit
Project" who believe that since Saudi Arabia is the third largest single oil
supplier to the United States and fifteen of the nineteen hijackers on 9/11
were Saudi Arabian citizens, not to mention that Osama bin Laden was born a
Saudi, that anyone who owns an SUV is aiding terrorism. I say, why stop
there? Why pick on SUV's and leave out automobiles in general? How about a
commercial that shows a guy filling up his gas can while the voiceover
states, "Oil money supports some terrible things? Do you feel good about
mowing your lawn?"
How about asphalt? Nobody is picking on that but it's a petroleum product
too. How about a commercial that says, "If you use petroleum jelly on your
baby's butt, you're giving guns to Al Qaeda." Maybe we need a public service
announcement that says, "Your romantic dinner can do without the candles
unless you want terrorists to blow something up," or "That designer wardrobe
made with synthetic fibers is funding the deaths of innocent people." Sounds
crazy doesn't it? That's because it is crazy.
Canada is the number one supplier of oil to the U.S. but if I see horse
manure in the middle of the road I don't accuse the Canadian Amish of being
terrorists. It just isn't so. I don't dispute that SUV's are gas guzzlers
and that a lot of Americans seem indifferent to fuel conservation, however,
I think The Detroit Project is looking at the wrong issue. The real threat
created by SUV's is the soccer mom. Why doesn't The Detroit Project do
something about that?
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve
disorder." - Former Chicago mayor Richard Daley during the infamous 1968
Democratic Party convention.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crossing Lesson
A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car
comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man
walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes
lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again
and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just
freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and
screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window.
The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel looks at the man and says, "See, it's not as easy as it
looks, is it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J & G B: Deer Tick Warning
Deer Tick Warning!!! I hate it when people forward
bogus warnings, but this one is real and it is
important. So please send this warning to everyone on
your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid
now.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Oneliners
Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a
doctor instead of a policeman.
A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun
of.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a
lot.
Upper crust seems to be simply a bunch of crumbs held
together by their own dough.
Make somebody happy today . . . mind your own
business.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment
enough for me.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift
is nothing without work.
Clearly, what the Iraqis really need is furniture.
At least I have a positive attitude about my
destructive habits.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes
stairs
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for
patience.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else
knows.
What will today's younger generation tell their
children they had to do "without"?
Let me guess . . . your parents are cousins.
Panic attack: like drowning, but there's no water to
make you feel better about it.
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree...
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in
front of you.
A beggar wanted 50 cents for a sandwich. I said,
"First let me see the sandwich."
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking
questions.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in
public.
One half of the world will never understand the other
half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.
There will never be ethics and honesty in government
until people stop voting lawyers into office.
I've discovered the whole problem with the National
Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government
spends 7.
You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when
it sticks out its neck.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar
store.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people
can't hold it.
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting,
he isn't.
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them
around.
Anything not nailed down is a cat to.
The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has
the plane fare to leave.
Whatever advice you give, be brief.
You know you beat a Republican in an argument when he
calls you names.
When a Democrat doesn't like the message, he tries to
kill the messenger.
It is not what they say about you, it's what they
whisper.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to sunshinerose28 -- HARVARD READING TEST
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department
at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you
can read each line aloud without a mistake. The
average person over 35 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line
from the top down
NO CHEATING PLEASE!
Bet you can't resist sending it on!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Your laugh for the day! Enjoy.
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These
sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or
were announced in church services.
� The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes
meals.
� The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the
Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
� Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
� The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today
has
been canceled due to a conflict.
� Remember in prayer the many who are sick in
our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
� Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church
help.
� Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this
way again," giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
� For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
� Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the
choir. They need all the help they can get.
� Barbara remains in the hospital and needs
blood
donors for more transfusions. She is also having
trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's
sermons.
� The Rector will preach his farewell message
after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into
Joy."
� Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married
on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
� A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening
in
the church hall. Music will follow.
� At the evening service tonight, the sermon
topic
will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
� Eight new choir robes are currently needed due
to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
� Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
� Please place your donation in the envelope
along
with the deceased person you want remembered.
� The church will host an evening of fine
dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.
� Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
� The ladies of the Church have cast off
clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
� This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn
singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
� Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday
morning
at 10 AM All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
� The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies
of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
� Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday
at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
� The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at
7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
� Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
� The Associate Minister unveiled the church's
new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge - Up Yours."
for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of a ten-point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles
back up the trail."
"You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer
back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is
going to steal Henry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Rise and Fall of the SUV
by Robert Byron
I don't understand the television ads that attempt to link the ownership of
SUV's to aiding terrorism. The commercials are funded by "The Detroit
Project" who believe that since Saudi Arabia is the third largest single oil
supplier to the United States and fifteen of the nineteen hijackers on 9/11
were Saudi Arabian citizens, not to mention that Osama bin Laden was born a
Saudi, that anyone who owns an SUV is aiding terrorism. I say, why stop
there? Why pick on SUV's and leave out automobiles in general? How about a
commercial that shows a guy filling up his gas can while the voiceover
states, "Oil money supports some terrible things? Do you feel good about
mowing your lawn?"
How about asphalt? Nobody is picking on that but it's a petroleum product
too. How about a commercial that says, "If you use petroleum jelly on your
baby's butt, you're giving guns to Al Qaeda." Maybe we need a public service
announcement that says, "Your romantic dinner can do without the candles
unless you want terrorists to blow something up," or "That designer wardrobe
made with synthetic fibers is funding the deaths of innocent people." Sounds
crazy doesn't it? That's because it is crazy.
Canada is the number one supplier of oil to the U.S. but if I see horse
manure in the middle of the road I don't accuse the Canadian Amish of being
terrorists. It just isn't so. I don't dispute that SUV's are gas guzzlers
and that a lot of Americans seem indifferent to fuel conservation, however,
I think The Detroit Project is looking at the wrong issue. The real threat
created by SUV's is the soccer mom. Why doesn't The Detroit Project do
something about that?
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve
disorder." - Former Chicago mayor Richard Daley during the infamous 1968
Democratic Party convention.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crossing Lesson
A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car
comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man
walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes
lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again
and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just
freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and
screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window.
The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel looks at the man and says, "See, it's not as easy as it
looks, is it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J & G B: Deer Tick Warning
Deer Tick Warning!!! I hate it when people forward
bogus warnings, but this one is real and it is
important. So please send this warning to everyone on
your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid
now.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Oneliners
Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a
doctor instead of a policeman.
A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun
of.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a
lot.
Upper crust seems to be simply a bunch of crumbs held
together by their own dough.
Make somebody happy today . . . mind your own
business.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment
enough for me.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift
is nothing without work.
Clearly, what the Iraqis really need is furniture.
At least I have a positive attitude about my
destructive habits.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes
stairs
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for
patience.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else
knows.
What will today's younger generation tell their
children they had to do "without"?
Let me guess . . . your parents are cousins.
Panic attack: like drowning, but there's no water to
make you feel better about it.
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree...
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in
front of you.
A beggar wanted 50 cents for a sandwich. I said,
"First let me see the sandwich."
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking
questions.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in
public.
One half of the world will never understand the other
half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.
There will never be ethics and honesty in government
until people stop voting lawyers into office.
I've discovered the whole problem with the National
Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government
spends 7.
You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when
it sticks out its neck.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar
store.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people
can't hold it.
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting,
he isn't.
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them
around.
Anything not nailed down is a cat to.
The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has
the plane fare to leave.
Whatever advice you give, be brief.
You know you beat a Republican in an argument when he
calls you names.
When a Democrat doesn't like the message, he tries to
kill the messenger.
It is not what they say about you, it's what they
whisper.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to sunshinerose28 -- HARVARD READING TEST
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department
at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you
can read each line aloud without a mistake. The
average person over 35 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line
from the top down
NO CHEATING PLEASE!
Bet you can't resist sending it on!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Your laugh for the day! Enjoy.
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These
sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or
were announced in church services.
� The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes
meals.
� The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the
Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
� Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
� The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today
has
been canceled due to a conflict.
� Remember in prayer the many who are sick in
our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
� Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church
help.
� Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this
way again," giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
� For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
� Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the
choir. They need all the help they can get.
� Barbara remains in the hospital and needs
blood
donors for more transfusions. She is also having
trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's
sermons.
� The Rector will preach his farewell message
after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into
Joy."
� Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married
on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
� A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening
in
the church hall. Music will follow.
� At the evening service tonight, the sermon
topic
will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
� Eight new choir robes are currently needed due
to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
� Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
� Please place your donation in the envelope
along
with the deceased person you want remembered.
� The church will host an evening of fine
dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.
� Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
� The ladies of the Church have cast off
clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
� This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn
singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
� Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday
morning
at 10 AM All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
� The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies
of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
� Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday
at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
� The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at
7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
� Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
� The Associate Minister unveiled the church's
new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge - Up Yours."
Monday, May 29, 2006
hUMOR For May 29th
Thanks to PW -- Stressed Out?
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a
stress management technique recommended in all the
latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it
works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain
air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place
called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the
air with a cascade of serenity.
6 The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you
are holding underwater
See?.....You're smiling already.
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: National Mental Health Care Week
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at
least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done!
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: Thoughts from Stephen Wright To ponder
Great truths come from warped minds.
FROM THE MYSTERIOUS MIND OF STEPHEN WRIGHT Ponder
these.
* I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I
don't know what to feed it.
* I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
* Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were
Catholic.
* All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me
happy.
* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
* If the world was a logical place, men would ride
horses sidesaddle.
* What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
* They told me I was gullible . And I believed them.
* Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his
car onto a freeway.
* Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
* Experience is the thing you have left when
everything else is gone.
* What if there were no hypothetical questions?
* One nice thing about egotists. They don't talk about
other people.
* When the only tool you own is a hammer, every
problem begins to look like a nail.
* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
* My weight is perfect for my height. Which varies.
* I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
* The high cost of living hasn't affected its
popularity.
* How can there be self-help "groups"?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* The speed of time is one second per second.
* Is it possible to be totally partial?
* What's another word for thesaurus?
* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
* It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like
one.
* Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like
chicken?
* If a number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it
still number 2?
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: A COMICAL LOOK AT AGING
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.
***
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
***
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your
own Easter eggs.
***
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was
your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
***
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a
hip replacement and new knees. Fought prostate cancer
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine and take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation ... hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my
friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license.
***
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told
her preacher she had two final requests. First, she
wanted to be buried at Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."
***
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
***
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the
wrinkles fill out.
***
I've still got it ... but nobody wants to see it.
***
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some
parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
***
It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffeemaker.
***
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, "For fast relief."
***
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get
back up.
***
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old
... You grow old because you stop laughing.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dignified Exit"
One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in third grade."
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a
stress management technique recommended in all the
latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it
works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain
air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place
called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the
air with a cascade of serenity.
6 The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you
are holding underwater
See?.....You're smiling already.
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: National Mental Health Care Week
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at
least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done!
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: Thoughts from Stephen Wright To ponder
Great truths come from warped minds.
FROM THE MYSTERIOUS MIND OF STEPHEN WRIGHT Ponder
these.
* I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I
don't know what to feed it.
* I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
* Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were
Catholic.
* All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me
happy.
* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
* If the world was a logical place, men would ride
horses sidesaddle.
* What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
* They told me I was gullible . And I believed them.
* Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his
car onto a freeway.
* Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
* Experience is the thing you have left when
everything else is gone.
* What if there were no hypothetical questions?
* One nice thing about egotists. They don't talk about
other people.
* When the only tool you own is a hammer, every
problem begins to look like a nail.
* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
* My weight is perfect for my height. Which varies.
* I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
* The high cost of living hasn't affected its
popularity.
* How can there be self-help "groups"?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* The speed of time is one second per second.
* Is it possible to be totally partial?
* What's another word for thesaurus?
* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
* It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like
one.
* Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like
chicken?
* If a number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it
still number 2?
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: A COMICAL LOOK AT AGING
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.
***
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
***
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your
own Easter eggs.
***
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was
your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
***
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a
hip replacement and new knees. Fought prostate cancer
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine and take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation ... hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my
friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license.
***
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told
her preacher she had two final requests. First, she
wanted to be buried at Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."
***
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
***
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the
wrinkles fill out.
***
I've still got it ... but nobody wants to see it.
***
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some
parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
***
It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffeemaker.
***
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, "For fast relief."
***
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get
back up.
***
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old
... You grow old because you stop laughing.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dignified Exit"
One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in third grade."
Sunday, May 28, 2006
hUMOR For May 28th
Bad Career Move
Once, I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe
at a local college. My position had been reclassified so that it fell
into a new area outside of the Information Technology staff.
One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air
conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing
lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the
room. The computer is over there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Bank Arrangements"
Who knows if this is true. Just the same, it's funny!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Your children need your presence more than your presents."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Choosing Sides" At a White House dinner, a churchman offered a benediction and closed with the pious affirmation: "The Lord is on our side."When President Lincoln did not respond to this sentiment, someone asked him, "Don't you believe, Mr. President, that the Lord is always on the side of the right?""I am not concerned about that," was Lincoln's answer, "for we know that the Lord is always on the side of the right. My concern is that I and this nation should be on the Lord's side."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants
played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total
number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.
After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The
correct answer is 26 years. For the two people
who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in
seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we
are airborne."
Once, I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe
at a local college. My position had been reclassified so that it fell
into a new area outside of the Information Technology staff.
One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air
conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing
lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the
room. The computer is over there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Bank Arrangements"
Who knows if this is true. Just the same, it's funny!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Your children need your presence more than your presents."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Choosing Sides" At a White House dinner, a churchman offered a benediction and closed with the pious affirmation: "The Lord is on our side."When President Lincoln did not respond to this sentiment, someone asked him, "Don't you believe, Mr. President, that the Lord is always on the side of the right?""I am not concerned about that," was Lincoln's answer, "for we know that the Lord is always on the side of the right. My concern is that I and this nation should be on the Lord's side."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants
played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total
number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.
After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The
correct answer is 26 years. For the two people
who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in
seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we
are airborne."
Saturday, May 27, 2006
hUMOR For May 27th
Good Dentist?
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr.
Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
The other remarked that he too had gone to Dr. Taylor a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth
hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph
when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time
in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Toucan Yell"
Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled.
"Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Manicurist's son: Hans
Athlete's son: Victor
Plumber's son: John
Accountant's son: Ira
Musician's daughter: Melody
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a
few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front
of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just
like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything
I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say, 'Goodbye,
Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was
leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up
to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few
things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the
clerk.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Better Mouse Trap
by Robert Byron
Borlan Hosiery was in serious financial trouble when I left it for greener
pastures. Things were so bad that the company had to have a check ready for
raw materials when they arrived or else the truck driver would leave without
dropping them off. I decided to go to work for Nantucket Hosiery Company and
exactly one month to the day after I left Borlan Hosiery, they closed the
doors for good.
My new boss and a few others made me feel very welcome at Nantucket but
several of the technicians automatically took a disliking to me because I
had gotten a job they wanted. Some of them felt that they should have had a
shot at the job before the company hired someone from the outside. It didn't
matter that none of them were even remotely qualified for the job or that
most of them weren't qualified to do the jobs they currently held. They
started a rumor that the reason I had gotten the job was because I was an
old high school buddy of my boss without taking into account that my boss
was ten years older than me. I would have had to be an exceptionally smart
student or my boss would have had to be exceptionally slow for this to have
occurred but the fact is that I had never met my boss prior to my initial
interview at Nantucket.
My boss and I decided to spread a rumor of our own. We let it slip out that
we fought together during the Vietnam War and that I had saved my bosses
life. Brad, my boss, had given me the job in appreciation of my heroic
actions during the war. One morning as Brad and I discussed the tasks of the
day, one of the rumor ringleaders approached us to gather more gossip for
the rumor mill. "So, I heard you guys fought together in the war," he said.
"We sure did," said Brad. "As a matter of fact, I would probably be dead
today if it hadn't been for my old buddy Rob." Brad put his arm around my
shoulder.
"Is that a fact? How did he save your life?"
"Well," explained the boss, "We had been dropped behind enemy lines to do
extensive reconnaissance when we found ourselves surrounded by the enemy. We had specific orders not to be taken alive so our only alternative was to
stand and fight. As we were giving them everything we had, I was shot. I
told Rob to leave me but he wouldn't. He was firing his fifty-caliber
machine gun as he pulled me through the jungle by the waistband of my
underwear. Just as he ran out of bullets, my waistband broke.
"Wow! That's incredible! What happened next?"
"Well, there we were in the middle of the jungle behind enemy lines, I was
wounded, we were out of bullets. Rob picked up my broken waist band and
started shooting rocks at the enemy until he had killed them all."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Rob isn't even old enough
to have fought in Vietnam."
"Well, if that's the case, suppose you tell me how he's old enough to have
gone to high school with me?" With that, Brad had effectively put an end to
the "high school buddy" rumor.
Brad was an interesting as well as a highly intelligent individual. At one
time in his life he had made a hobby of making homemade guns. He told me of
an incident when he was working at a former job where he was cleaning one of
his guns while everyone else was taking a break. He was working second shift
at a small hosiery mill and was the only one in the knitting room as he
unloaded the gun. As he began cleaning it he forgot that there was a bullet
still in the chamber. The gun accidentally went off taking off a piece of
Brad's finger before blowing a hole in one of the inspection boards. Blood
gushing from his finger, he grabbed some rags and wrapped it tight.
Once the break was over he was approached by a co-worker who said, "What was
all that noise out here a little while ago?"
Brad said, "What noise?"
"A big bang. We all thought one of the machines must have torn up pretty
bad."
"That's funny. I didn't hear anything."
Brad was able to explain away his bleeding finger as an accident. He simply
said that he cut himself while working on a machine and, as luck would have
it, nobody noticed the hole in the inspection board until the next day. The
one who noticed and reported the damaged inspection board was none other
than Brad himself. He never manufactured or shot another homemade gun ever
again.
Although his gun making days were over, his inventing days weren't. Brad
made a very simple electric mousetrap using a metal plate, a plastic
Popsicle stick, a fishhook and an old electrical cord. He glued the Popsicle
stick to the center of the metal plate so that it stood up like a flagpole.
Next he glued the fishhook to the top of the Popsicle stick and then
attached one end of the electrical cord to the fishhook. He attached the
other end of the electrical cord to the metal plate and put a piece of
cheese on the hook. He plugged the cord into a wall socket and waited for
the trap to work.
We were sitting in his living room on a Sunday afternoon watching a football
game when the lights dimmed for a couple of seconds. Brad looked over at me
and quietly said, "Got one." He led me into a backroom of his house where I
witnessed a smoking mouse dangling from a fishhook. I must say that the
smell was absolutely horrid but it did bring back fond memories of when Brad
and I had fought together in the jungles of Vietnam.
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr.
Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
The other remarked that he too had gone to Dr. Taylor a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth
hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph
when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time
in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Toucan Yell"
Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled.
"Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Manicurist's son: Hans
Athlete's son: Victor
Plumber's son: John
Accountant's son: Ira
Musician's daughter: Melody
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a
few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front
of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just
like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything
I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say, 'Goodbye,
Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was
leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up
to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few
things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the
clerk.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Better Mouse Trap
by Robert Byron
Borlan Hosiery was in serious financial trouble when I left it for greener
pastures. Things were so bad that the company had to have a check ready for
raw materials when they arrived or else the truck driver would leave without
dropping them off. I decided to go to work for Nantucket Hosiery Company and
exactly one month to the day after I left Borlan Hosiery, they closed the
doors for good.
My new boss and a few others made me feel very welcome at Nantucket but
several of the technicians automatically took a disliking to me because I
had gotten a job they wanted. Some of them felt that they should have had a
shot at the job before the company hired someone from the outside. It didn't
matter that none of them were even remotely qualified for the job or that
most of them weren't qualified to do the jobs they currently held. They
started a rumor that the reason I had gotten the job was because I was an
old high school buddy of my boss without taking into account that my boss
was ten years older than me. I would have had to be an exceptionally smart
student or my boss would have had to be exceptionally slow for this to have
occurred but the fact is that I had never met my boss prior to my initial
interview at Nantucket.
My boss and I decided to spread a rumor of our own. We let it slip out that
we fought together during the Vietnam War and that I had saved my bosses
life. Brad, my boss, had given me the job in appreciation of my heroic
actions during the war. One morning as Brad and I discussed the tasks of the
day, one of the rumor ringleaders approached us to gather more gossip for
the rumor mill. "So, I heard you guys fought together in the war," he said.
"We sure did," said Brad. "As a matter of fact, I would probably be dead
today if it hadn't been for my old buddy Rob." Brad put his arm around my
shoulder.
"Is that a fact? How did he save your life?"
"Well," explained the boss, "We had been dropped behind enemy lines to do
extensive reconnaissance when we found ourselves surrounded by the enemy. We had specific orders not to be taken alive so our only alternative was to
stand and fight. As we were giving them everything we had, I was shot. I
told Rob to leave me but he wouldn't. He was firing his fifty-caliber
machine gun as he pulled me through the jungle by the waistband of my
underwear. Just as he ran out of bullets, my waistband broke.
"Wow! That's incredible! What happened next?"
"Well, there we were in the middle of the jungle behind enemy lines, I was
wounded, we were out of bullets. Rob picked up my broken waist band and
started shooting rocks at the enemy until he had killed them all."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Rob isn't even old enough
to have fought in Vietnam."
"Well, if that's the case, suppose you tell me how he's old enough to have
gone to high school with me?" With that, Brad had effectively put an end to
the "high school buddy" rumor.
Brad was an interesting as well as a highly intelligent individual. At one
time in his life he had made a hobby of making homemade guns. He told me of
an incident when he was working at a former job where he was cleaning one of
his guns while everyone else was taking a break. He was working second shift
at a small hosiery mill and was the only one in the knitting room as he
unloaded the gun. As he began cleaning it he forgot that there was a bullet
still in the chamber. The gun accidentally went off taking off a piece of
Brad's finger before blowing a hole in one of the inspection boards. Blood
gushing from his finger, he grabbed some rags and wrapped it tight.
Once the break was over he was approached by a co-worker who said, "What was
all that noise out here a little while ago?"
Brad said, "What noise?"
"A big bang. We all thought one of the machines must have torn up pretty
bad."
"That's funny. I didn't hear anything."
Brad was able to explain away his bleeding finger as an accident. He simply
said that he cut himself while working on a machine and, as luck would have
it, nobody noticed the hole in the inspection board until the next day. The
one who noticed and reported the damaged inspection board was none other
than Brad himself. He never manufactured or shot another homemade gun ever
again.
Although his gun making days were over, his inventing days weren't. Brad
made a very simple electric mousetrap using a metal plate, a plastic
Popsicle stick, a fishhook and an old electrical cord. He glued the Popsicle
stick to the center of the metal plate so that it stood up like a flagpole.
Next he glued the fishhook to the top of the Popsicle stick and then
attached one end of the electrical cord to the fishhook. He attached the
other end of the electrical cord to the metal plate and put a piece of
cheese on the hook. He plugged the cord into a wall socket and waited for
the trap to work.
We were sitting in his living room on a Sunday afternoon watching a football
game when the lights dimmed for a couple of seconds. Brad looked over at me
and quietly said, "Got one." He led me into a backroom of his house where I
witnessed a smoking mouse dangling from a fishhook. I must say that the
smell was absolutely horrid but it did bring back fond memories of when Brad
and I had fought together in the jungles of Vietnam.
Friday, May 26, 2006
hUMOR For May 26th
Memorial Day 2006
The joke for today has been sent. I want to be serious for a moment
and talk about the holiday which will be celebrated here in the
United States on Monday.
Memorial Day is on the last Monday in May and honors those men and
women who lost their lives serving their country. What we celebrate
as Memorial Day today, began at the end of the Civil War. Family
members of the many soldiers slain in battle would visit the grave
sites of their fallen relatives or friends and decorate the graves
with flowers.
On May 5, 1868, General John Logan proclaimed this day a holiday
through his General Order No. 11. The day was entitled Decoration Day
and was first observed on May 30, 1868. The northern states
celebrated this day every year, but the southern states celebrated a
day similar to this on a different day until sometime after World War I.
In 1882, the name Decoration day was changed to Memorial Day, and in
1971, Memorial Day was declared a national holiday to be held on the
last Monday of May every year. Over the years it has come to serve as
a day to remember all U.S. men and women killed or missing in action
in all wars.
I am truly grateful for the freedoms which we enjoy today. Too often,
we take these gifts for granted, little realizing the sacrifice which
was involved in ensuring that these freedoms continue to be a part of
all of our lives. Be honest, how many of us think of Memorial Day as
just another chance for a three-day weekend? A chance to go the lakes
or beaches or mountains? A trip to Disneyland or Six Flags or some
other amusement park?
If you are here in the United States, please remember to display the
flag, not just for the day but for the whole weekend. Let's not
forget the real reason for having this holiday. The quote below says
it all. Please take the time to read it.
Take care everyone.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Surgical Tools"
To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. The Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a pair of scissors." People gave him stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed the door and soon came back. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. A number of times he repeated the routine of going inside, closing the door and then coming back again for a new tool.
Finaly he came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." The oldest son could not stand it any more and lost his patience. In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my stupid bag - I lost the key."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody else has thought." - Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Foolishness"
The two teenagers were arrested for disorderly conduct. The police sergeant told them they were entitled to a phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked for them by name.
The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?"
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their pizza."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is
playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not
wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge
wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot
where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept
away.
She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries,
"Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful
grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I
kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't
I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday
night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you
would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"
A few minutes later, another huge wave appears out of
nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the
boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if
nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are
you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her
college education. One day she came home with five applications, and later
that evening we read them.
Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting." Under "Reason for
Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very
rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long
beard, payes, the works. The judge, without asking a question, says to the
clerk: "Quick! Get me a translator."
The translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how
old is he and where does he come from?"
The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist
du, and fun vie kumst du?"
The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a
British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82
next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew
Philosophy at Oxford University."
The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim
Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish
philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Hypochondriacs are sick.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From Sunshinerose28
After Reading THIS, you'll NEVER look at a banana in
the same way again!
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose,
fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana
gives an instant, sustained, and substantial boost of
energy. Research has proven that just two bananas
provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute
workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit
with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't
the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can
also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of
illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to
our daily diet.
Depression:
According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND
amongst people suffering from depression, many felt
much better after eating a banana. This is because
bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the
body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax,
improve your mood and generally make you feel
happier.
PMS:
Forget the pills -- eat a banana.
The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose
levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia:
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of
hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of
anemia.
Blood Pressure:
This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in
potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect way
to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and
Drug Administration has just allowed the banana
industry to make official claims for the fruit's
ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and
stroke.
Brain Power:
200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were
helped through their exams this year by eating bananas
at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost
their brain power. Research has shown that the
potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making
pupils more alert.
Constipation:
High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help
restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the
problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers:
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to
make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The
banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the
honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while
the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn:
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so
if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for
soothing relief.
Morning Sickness:
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood
sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites:
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing
the affected area with the inside of a banana skin.
Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing
swelling and irritation.
Nerves:
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the
nervous system.
Overweight and at work?
Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria
found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort
food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000
hospital patients, researchers found the most obese
were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The
report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food
cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels
by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours
to keep levels steady.
Ulcers:
The banana is used as the dietary food against
intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and
smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten
without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also
neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by
coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control:
Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit
that can lower both the physical and emotional
temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for
example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their
baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain
the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking:
Bananas can also help people trying to give up
smoking. The B6 and B12 they contain, as well as the
potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body
recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress:
Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize
the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain, and
regulates your body's water balance.
When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises,
thereby reducing our potassium levels.
These can be rebalanced with the help of a
high-potassium banana snack.
Strokes:
According to research in "The New England Journal of
Medicine," eating bananas as part of a regular diet
can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as
40%!
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills.
When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the
protein, twice the carbohydrates, three times the
phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and
twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich
in potassium and is one of the best value foods
around. So maybe its time to change that well-known
phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the
doctor away!"
The joke for today has been sent. I want to be serious for a moment
and talk about the holiday which will be celebrated here in the
United States on Monday.
Memorial Day is on the last Monday in May and honors those men and
women who lost their lives serving their country. What we celebrate
as Memorial Day today, began at the end of the Civil War. Family
members of the many soldiers slain in battle would visit the grave
sites of their fallen relatives or friends and decorate the graves
with flowers.
On May 5, 1868, General John Logan proclaimed this day a holiday
through his General Order No. 11. The day was entitled Decoration Day
and was first observed on May 30, 1868. The northern states
celebrated this day every year, but the southern states celebrated a
day similar to this on a different day until sometime after World War I.
In 1882, the name Decoration day was changed to Memorial Day, and in
1971, Memorial Day was declared a national holiday to be held on the
last Monday of May every year. Over the years it has come to serve as
a day to remember all U.S. men and women killed or missing in action
in all wars.
I am truly grateful for the freedoms which we enjoy today. Too often,
we take these gifts for granted, little realizing the sacrifice which
was involved in ensuring that these freedoms continue to be a part of
all of our lives. Be honest, how many of us think of Memorial Day as
just another chance for a three-day weekend? A chance to go the lakes
or beaches or mountains? A trip to Disneyland or Six Flags or some
other amusement park?
If you are here in the United States, please remember to display the
flag, not just for the day but for the whole weekend. Let's not
forget the real reason for having this holiday. The quote below says
it all. Please take the time to read it.
Take care everyone.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Surgical Tools"
To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. The Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a pair of scissors." People gave him stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed the door and soon came back. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. A number of times he repeated the routine of going inside, closing the door and then coming back again for a new tool.
Finaly he came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." The oldest son could not stand it any more and lost his patience. In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my stupid bag - I lost the key."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody else has thought." - Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Foolishness"
The two teenagers were arrested for disorderly conduct. The police sergeant told them they were entitled to a phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked for them by name.
The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?"
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their pizza."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is
playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not
wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge
wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot
where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept
away.
She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries,
"Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful
grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I
kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't
I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday
night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you
would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"
A few minutes later, another huge wave appears out of
nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the
boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if
nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are
you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her
college education. One day she came home with five applications, and later
that evening we read them.
Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting." Under "Reason for
Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very
rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long
beard, payes, the works. The judge, without asking a question, says to the
clerk: "Quick! Get me a translator."
The translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how
old is he and where does he come from?"
The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist
du, and fun vie kumst du?"
The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a
British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82
next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew
Philosophy at Oxford University."
The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim
Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish
philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Hypochondriacs are sick.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From Sunshinerose28
After Reading THIS, you'll NEVER look at a banana in
the same way again!
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose,
fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana
gives an instant, sustained, and substantial boost of
energy. Research has proven that just two bananas
provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute
workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit
with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't
the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can
also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of
illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to
our daily diet.
Depression:
According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND
amongst people suffering from depression, many felt
much better after eating a banana. This is because
bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the
body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax,
improve your mood and generally make you feel
happier.
PMS:
Forget the pills -- eat a banana.
The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose
levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia:
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of
hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of
anemia.
Blood Pressure:
This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in
potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect way
to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and
Drug Administration has just allowed the banana
industry to make official claims for the fruit's
ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and
stroke.
Brain Power:
200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were
helped through their exams this year by eating bananas
at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost
their brain power. Research has shown that the
potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making
pupils more alert.
Constipation:
High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help
restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the
problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers:
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to
make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The
banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the
honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while
the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn:
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so
if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for
soothing relief.
Morning Sickness:
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood
sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites:
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing
the affected area with the inside of a banana skin.
Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing
swelling and irritation.
Nerves:
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the
nervous system.
Overweight and at work?
Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria
found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort
food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000
hospital patients, researchers found the most obese
were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The
report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food
cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels
by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours
to keep levels steady.
Ulcers:
The banana is used as the dietary food against
intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and
smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten
without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also
neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by
coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control:
Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit
that can lower both the physical and emotional
temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for
example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their
baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain
the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking:
Bananas can also help people trying to give up
smoking. The B6 and B12 they contain, as well as the
potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body
recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress:
Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize
the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain, and
regulates your body's water balance.
When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises,
thereby reducing our potassium levels.
These can be rebalanced with the help of a
high-potassium banana snack.
Strokes:
According to research in "The New England Journal of
Medicine," eating bananas as part of a regular diet
can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as
40%!
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills.
When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the
protein, twice the carbohydrates, three times the
phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and
twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich
in potassium and is one of the best value foods
around. So maybe its time to change that well-known
phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the
doctor away!"
Thursday, May 25, 2006
hUMOR For May 25th
A mother was dropping her son off at a friend's house. She
said to him, "Will you be good while Mommy's gone?"
The boy replied, "If you give me a dollar!"
His mother shook her head and said to him, "Why can't you be
good for nothing like your father?!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Shakespearean in Dallas"
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.
"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns." - Jack Handey
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Refrigerator"
A man opens his refrigerator, and the mayonnaise yells, "Close the door! I'm dressing!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Antics Of A Retired Husband
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill
Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and
have considered banning the entire family from
shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are
attending counseling from the trouble your husband has
caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr.
Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and
watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put
a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in
if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help
him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the
antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and
screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!"
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: GOT TO LOVE ARKANSAS
A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it
'til she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas
hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak
in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a Arkansas red neck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his
pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age in Arkansas to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high
schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it
would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the
driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State
Lottery?
(Come on- this is funny!)
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The
library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in
flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of
them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a
couple gets divorced, they ARE still cousins.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
said to him, "Will you be good while Mommy's gone?"
The boy replied, "If you give me a dollar!"
His mother shook her head and said to him, "Why can't you be
good for nothing like your father?!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Shakespearean in Dallas"
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.
"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns." - Jack Handey
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Refrigerator"
A man opens his refrigerator, and the mayonnaise yells, "Close the door! I'm dressing!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Antics Of A Retired Husband
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill
Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and
have considered banning the entire family from
shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are
attending counseling from the trouble your husband has
caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr.
Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and
watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put
a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in
if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help
him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the
antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and
screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!"
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: GOT TO LOVE ARKANSAS
A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it
'til she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas
hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak
in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a Arkansas red neck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his
pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age in Arkansas to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high
schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it
would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the
driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State
Lottery?
(Come on- this is funny!)
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The
library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in
flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of
them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a
couple gets divorced, they ARE still cousins.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
hUMOR For May 24th
"Cops and Robbers"
Esther Cohen had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Discipline is that great quality few people use that enables them to be constructively busy all the time. Even in discouragement and defeat, discipline will rescue you and usher you to a new place to keep constructively busy while you forget about doubt, worry and self-pity. Oh, that more in this day would realize the absolute necessity of discipline and the degree of growth and happiness to be attained from it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clean Communication"
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in
South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that
the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I
gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs.
Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh,
whatever is easiest for you."
With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my
plate, and handed it back to me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the
airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full
uniform, was in line in front of him.
As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal
detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel
along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.
Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed
a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.
"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.
Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
We were driving our three-year-old son to his Grandma's home when we stopped
at a store. Once inside, our son decided he wanted one of those large
gumballs.
I told him he couldn't have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him
and said, "This is a fact of life: You don't always get everything you
want."
"I know," he replied. "Just don't tell Gramma."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you
can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for
dinner." - Scott E. Frank
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Got lots of time on your hands? No? It only takes a second to tell a friend
about Absolute Robeo and The Lame Humor List. Why not take a second and tell
someone now? Why not? Well? Why? Stop arguing and just do it.
Robeo
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pizza Coupon
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed
him money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza,
and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough
money. I didn't need the coupon."
Esther Cohen had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Discipline is that great quality few people use that enables them to be constructively busy all the time. Even in discouragement and defeat, discipline will rescue you and usher you to a new place to keep constructively busy while you forget about doubt, worry and self-pity. Oh, that more in this day would realize the absolute necessity of discipline and the degree of growth and happiness to be attained from it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clean Communication"
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in
South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that
the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I
gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs.
Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh,
whatever is easiest for you."
With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my
plate, and handed it back to me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the
airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full
uniform, was in line in front of him.
As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal
detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel
along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.
Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed
a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.
"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.
Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
We were driving our three-year-old son to his Grandma's home when we stopped
at a store. Once inside, our son decided he wanted one of those large
gumballs.
I told him he couldn't have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him
and said, "This is a fact of life: You don't always get everything you
want."
"I know," he replied. "Just don't tell Gramma."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you
can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for
dinner." - Scott E. Frank
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Got lots of time on your hands? No? It only takes a second to tell a friend
about Absolute Robeo and The Lame Humor List. Why not take a second and tell
someone now? Why not? Well? Why? Stop arguing and just do it.
Robeo
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pizza Coupon
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed
him money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza,
and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough
money. I didn't need the coupon."
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
hUMOR For May 23rd
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a
confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood
and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he
instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The
golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the
caddy on the tee, telling him that he was a better golfer
than that, and how dare the caddy underestimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood
he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched
as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And
now for one long putt..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fathers then & now
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helping your father
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is his occupation?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A student's request for extra money
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.
You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
And that's why I believe in God."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...
MAIN ENTRANCE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.
The Moral of the Story: Wait for it....
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If Biblical Headlines
were written by
Today's Liberal Media
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top 12 Things Not To Say
To A Cop who has pulled you over:
l. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
REASONS NOT TO WASH
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example: Reasons Not To Wash
1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We always knew evolution was funny.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post, Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum.
While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positatingfillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD DAY!
author unknown
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love this movie clip go to http://www.littlefunny.com/ShowVideos.aspx?id=62
confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood
and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he
instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The
golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the
caddy on the tee, telling him that he was a better golfer
than that, and how dare the caddy underestimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood
he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched
as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And
now for one long putt..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fathers then & now
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helping your father
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is his occupation?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A student's request for extra money
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.
You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
And that's why I believe in God."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...
MAIN ENTRANCE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.
The Moral of the Story: Wait for it....
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If Biblical Headlines
were written by
Today's Liberal Media
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top 12 Things Not To Say
To A Cop who has pulled you over:
l. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
REASONS NOT TO WASH
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example: Reasons Not To Wash
1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We always knew evolution was funny.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post, Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum.
While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positatingfillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD DAY!
author unknown
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love this movie clip go to http://www.littlefunny.com/ShowVideos.aspx?id=62
Sunday, May 21, 2006
hUMOR For May 21st
Could Be Worse ... Oh, Wait, It Is
This old courthouse is being remodeled, and it's up to the county IT
department to pull out the network and phone cables, reports a
technician who's on the crew doing the cutting and pulling.
"We don't want the wrong cable cut, as we still have fiber and phone
lines running through to another building," the tech says. "We have
been very carefully tracing, tagging and pulling cables for two days."
"On the last day, we walk back to the shop to get ready to leave, and
the boss comes in and tells us that we must have cut a fiber cable.
The network and IP phones are down in the other building, and they
are a little irate to say the least."
The technician knows his crew hasn't cut any fiber, but they go back
to check. They inspect both buildings, but they can't find any sign
of the break.
It's when they're walking one last time between the buildings that
they overhear a conversation that provides a clue. "The construction
foreman was talking about the heavy-duty forklift tearing up the lawn
and getting stuck," reports the tech.
"You guessed it: The fork lift had run over our green plastic
in-ground cable vault. When we went to look, all we saw was mud and
fiber cables ripped in two. They had gotten the fiber but missed the
100-pair phone trunk, thank goodness. And here we were, so very careful."
"Then it started to rain."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I Love My Job"
I Love My Job
(apologies to Dr. Seuss)
I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss and he's the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest.
I love my office and it's location. I hate to have to take vacation.
I love my desk, drab and gray, and love those paper piles each day.
I love my chair in my padded cell; there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers. I love their leers 'n jeers 'n sneers.
I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care.
I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while.
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am...I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job AND I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men:
These men who've come to visit today, in lovely white coats to take me away!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about." - Charles Kingsley
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Obedience"
Bernie and Esther were not the most religious couple and in fact they really only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"
"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's great," the minister said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."
"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."
This old courthouse is being remodeled, and it's up to the county IT
department to pull out the network and phone cables, reports a
technician who's on the crew doing the cutting and pulling.
"We don't want the wrong cable cut, as we still have fiber and phone
lines running through to another building," the tech says. "We have
been very carefully tracing, tagging and pulling cables for two days."
"On the last day, we walk back to the shop to get ready to leave, and
the boss comes in and tells us that we must have cut a fiber cable.
The network and IP phones are down in the other building, and they
are a little irate to say the least."
The technician knows his crew hasn't cut any fiber, but they go back
to check. They inspect both buildings, but they can't find any sign
of the break.
It's when they're walking one last time between the buildings that
they overhear a conversation that provides a clue. "The construction
foreman was talking about the heavy-duty forklift tearing up the lawn
and getting stuck," reports the tech.
"You guessed it: The fork lift had run over our green plastic
in-ground cable vault. When we went to look, all we saw was mud and
fiber cables ripped in two. They had gotten the fiber but missed the
100-pair phone trunk, thank goodness. And here we were, so very careful."
"Then it started to rain."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I Love My Job"
I Love My Job
(apologies to Dr. Seuss)
I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss and he's the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest.
I love my office and it's location. I hate to have to take vacation.
I love my desk, drab and gray, and love those paper piles each day.
I love my chair in my padded cell; there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers. I love their leers 'n jeers 'n sneers.
I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care.
I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while.
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am...I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job AND I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men:
These men who've come to visit today, in lovely white coats to take me away!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about." - Charles Kingsley
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Obedience"
Bernie and Esther were not the most religious couple and in fact they really only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"
"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's great," the minister said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."
"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."
Saturday, May 20, 2006
hUMOR For May 20th
Housekeeping Husband
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be
a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a
chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed,
"I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all
the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and
even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his
wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate
frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters
out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Car Warning"
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Some people have a way with words - others not have way."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Bagel Pun"
Q. How do you make sure that no one steals your bagel?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not
you can read it!
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I
was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig
to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was
ipmorant.
GCFL note: Please forgive us for not spell-checking this
funny! :)
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be
a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a
chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed,
"I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all
the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and
even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his
wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate
frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters
out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Car Warning"
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Some people have a way with words - others not have way."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Bagel Pun"
Q. How do you make sure that no one steals your bagel?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not
you can read it!
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I
was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig
to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was
ipmorant.
GCFL note: Please forgive us for not spell-checking this
funny! :)
Friday, May 19, 2006
hUMOR For May 19th
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would
help him better understand the fears and temptations his
future congregations faced if he first took a job as a
policeman for several months. He passed the physical
examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to
act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to
disperse a frenzied crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a
collection."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRUE AMERICAN GIT 'ER DONE
It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor! Only I don't see it as Humor, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE !
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation under God."
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.
God Bless the U S A !
Git 'er done!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Satan's Web
Have you ever heard of Satan's Web,
On the shore of Falsehood Bay,
Where Satan, with glittering attire,
Is roaming both night and day?
It isn't far to Satan's Web,
For people who want to go.
The idleness train will take you down,
In just an hour or so.
The Thoughtless road is a popular route,
And most folks start that way.
But the grade is steep and if you don't watch out
You'll land in Falsehood Bay.
You glide through the valley of Vicious Folk,
And into the tunnel of HATE,
Then crossing the ADD ON TO Bridge you walk,
Right into the city gate.
The principal street is called They-Say,
Which is located by the public well.
And the breezes that blow from Falsehood Bay
Are laden with Please, Don't-You-Tell.
In the midst of the town is Telltale Park.
You're never quite safe while you're there.
For its owner is Suspicious Remarks,
Who lives on the street Don't Care.
Just back of the park is Slander's Row,
'Twas there where many Good Names died,
Pierced by a dart from Jealousy's bow
In the hands of Envious Pride.
>From Satan's Web peace long since fled,
But trouble, grief and woe,
And sorrow and care you'll meet instead
If ever you chance to go.
-- author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to sunshinerose28 -- Mouse Story
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -
he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the
warning.
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house
-- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her
to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem
and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one
of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We
must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra
effort to encourage one another.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's PearlyGates item.
The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?"
"Maybe," replied beautician, "Does he drink a lot?"
help him better understand the fears and temptations his
future congregations faced if he first took a job as a
policeman for several months. He passed the physical
examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to
act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to
disperse a frenzied crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a
collection."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRUE AMERICAN GIT 'ER DONE
It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor! Only I don't see it as Humor, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE !
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation under God."
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.
God Bless the U S A !
Git 'er done!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Satan's Web
Have you ever heard of Satan's Web,
On the shore of Falsehood Bay,
Where Satan, with glittering attire,
Is roaming both night and day?
It isn't far to Satan's Web,
For people who want to go.
The idleness train will take you down,
In just an hour or so.
The Thoughtless road is a popular route,
And most folks start that way.
But the grade is steep and if you don't watch out
You'll land in Falsehood Bay.
You glide through the valley of Vicious Folk,
And into the tunnel of HATE,
Then crossing the ADD ON TO Bridge you walk,
Right into the city gate.
The principal street is called They-Say,
Which is located by the public well.
And the breezes that blow from Falsehood Bay
Are laden with Please, Don't-You-Tell.
In the midst of the town is Telltale Park.
You're never quite safe while you're there.
For its owner is Suspicious Remarks,
Who lives on the street Don't Care.
Just back of the park is Slander's Row,
'Twas there where many Good Names died,
Pierced by a dart from Jealousy's bow
In the hands of Envious Pride.
>From Satan's Web peace long since fled,
But trouble, grief and woe,
And sorrow and care you'll meet instead
If ever you chance to go.
-- author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to sunshinerose28 -- Mouse Story
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -
he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the
warning.
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house
-- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her
to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem
and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one
of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We
must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra
effort to encourage one another.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's PearlyGates item.
The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?"
"Maybe," replied beautician, "Does he drink a lot?"
Thursday, May 18, 2006
hUMOR For May 18th
When One Shows Up
A preacher prepared for Sunday morning service, but only one person,
a farmer, was there. He asked the farmer, "What do you think we should do?"
The farmer replied with a drawl, "Well, if only one cow came into the
barn, I'd feed it."
So the preacher mounted the pulpit and began to preach ... and preach
... and preach. After about two hours, he concluded.
Then he stepped down and said to the farmer, "So, what did you think?"
The farmer replied, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I
certainly wouldn't try to feed it all the hay."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the
ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a
far town so they can breed their own stock.
They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells
her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull,
and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he
will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives
to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell
her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says,
"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the
trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can
haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help
her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after
paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left. She
realizes that she'll be able to send her sister just one
word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want
you to send her the word 'comfortable.'"
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if
you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's
big. She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Caddy Advice
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident
golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it
safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and
proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that
he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under
estimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had
asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled
about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for
one long putt..."
A preacher prepared for Sunday morning service, but only one person,
a farmer, was there. He asked the farmer, "What do you think we should do?"
The farmer replied with a drawl, "Well, if only one cow came into the
barn, I'd feed it."
So the preacher mounted the pulpit and began to preach ... and preach
... and preach. After about two hours, he concluded.
Then he stepped down and said to the farmer, "So, what did you think?"
The farmer replied, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I
certainly wouldn't try to feed it all the hay."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the
ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a
far town so they can breed their own stock.
They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells
her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull,
and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he
will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives
to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell
her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says,
"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the
trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can
haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help
her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after
paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left. She
realizes that she'll be able to send her sister just one
word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want
you to send her the word 'comfortable.'"
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if
you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's
big. She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Caddy Advice
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident
golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it
safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and
proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that
he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under
estimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had
asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled
about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for
one long putt..."
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