WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE OVER THE HILL. YOU ARE OVER THE HILL WHEN....
You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.
You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum By Yah."
Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.
You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.
Your bed has more options than your car.
One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.
It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.
You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.
You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
################
Lawnmower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
################
Dangling Participles
(Culled from newspapers)
- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair
weighing about 150 pounds.
- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of
Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is
very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old
that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the
cows playing Scrabble and reading.
- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting
elephants armed only with spears.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lost Ball"
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
The man who gives in when he is wrong ... is wise. The man who gives in when he is right ... is married.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Presence of God"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of my duties as church secretary is to answer the phone and refer calls. The telephone rang one day with an urgent caller on the other end. He needed to talk to the senior pastor.
I quietly opened his office door to find him praying. I returned to the phone and politely told the caller, "I'm sorry. He's in conference long distance."
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Saturday, April 29, 2006
hUMOR For April 29th
New Car
The first Sunday after my husband and I bought a new car, we parked
it in the last row of the church lot, not wanting to be ostentatious.
While talking with friends after the service, my husband accidentally
hit the panic button on his electronic key. Immediately our car's
horn blared and its lights flashed.
Watching my husband fumble with the button, his friend teased,
"Wouldn't it have been in better taste to just put a few lines in the
church bulletin?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mule Solution"
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Name Puns"
Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his
parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant
father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his
mother.
"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at
30 to 1!"
The first Sunday after my husband and I bought a new car, we parked
it in the last row of the church lot, not wanting to be ostentatious.
While talking with friends after the service, my husband accidentally
hit the panic button on his electronic key. Immediately our car's
horn blared and its lights flashed.
Watching my husband fumble with the button, his friend teased,
"Wouldn't it have been in better taste to just put a few lines in the
church bulletin?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mule Solution"
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Name Puns"
Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his
parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant
father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his
mother.
"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at
30 to 1!"
Friday, April 28, 2006
hUMOR For April 28th
Golf Bet
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second
fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he
usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both
are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to
bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of
the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and
while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a
neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow
reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to
which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers
to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won
fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it
up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday
and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by
after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down
answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you
like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to
me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual'?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Parking Lot Stay"
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at a Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched, full-out, on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a very pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park"?
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second
fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he
usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both
are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to
bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of
the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and
while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a
neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow
reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to
which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers
to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won
fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it
up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday
and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by
after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down
answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you
like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to
me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual'?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Parking Lot Stay"
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at a Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched, full-out, on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a very pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park"?
Thursday, April 27, 2006
hUMOR For April 27
Baby Wrap
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how
to care for their infants.
As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple
turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously.
"Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A company was producing an English-language movie. In one
scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in,
collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The
company even found someone who knew the language. The scene
worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an
African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high
drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped
out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Anti-Burglar Signs"
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Punishment"
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded "The small investor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Small Deli's IRS Trouble
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the
IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit
of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner
said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, and the place is closed only three days a year.
And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent
said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to
Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell
you - we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and
said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die,
you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do
with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope
and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write
on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Kids
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it
that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO! MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --
Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking.
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how
to care for their infants.
As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple
turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously.
"Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A company was producing an English-language movie. In one
scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in,
collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The
company even found someone who knew the language. The scene
worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an
African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high
drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped
out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Anti-Burglar Signs"
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Punishment"
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded "The small investor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Small Deli's IRS Trouble
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the
IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit
of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner
said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, and the place is closed only three days a year.
And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent
said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to
Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell
you - we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and
said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die,
you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do
with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope
and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write
on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Kids
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it
that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO! MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --
Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
hUMOR For April 26th
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sugar Worry
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dynamite Bumps"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
Two goobers are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.
"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."
"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat . . "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Sacred cows make the best hamburger." - Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Faithfulness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.
He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.
Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.
"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister and I are close, and that allows us to be honest
with each other. One evening as I prepared for a date, I
remarked, "I'm fat."
"No, you're not," she scolded.
"My hair is awful," I said.
"It's lovely," she encouraged.
"I've never looked worse," I whined.
And she said, "Yes, you have."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Peanuts .......
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of
seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his
shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a
handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he
asks the little old lady, " why then don't you eat the
peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've
no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate
around them."
It pays to be careful around old people. Don't mess
with us old timers..............
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LaMi -- Are You A Bodybuilder?
Georgie is into bodybuilding right now. He has some
great equipment at home and is bulking up nicely. Ask
him to show you his biceps? Now, what he is doing, I
applaud. It is good that men stay in shape to better
equip them for the heavier work they do, as well as
improving their overall health, so as to be there for
their dependents in the future.
But, there are two other kinds of bodybuilding we all
ought to do. First, we ought to build up the body of
Christ in us personally. Ephesians 4:12-13 urges each
Christian to be equipped and then edified (built up)
into a mature man, filling out the full size of
Christ. It reminds me of those ads years ago, where we
as "90 lbs. weaklings" need to fill out, through
bodybuilding, the form of Mr. Universe (Jesus Christ).
Are we doing this?
Second, there is the bodybuilding of the church, the
body of Christ. In the same Ephesians context
(4:12-16) the Holy Spirit speaks of that, too. The
body (congregation) is to be edified (built up) by
each joint (member) doing its share and contributing
to the whole group (body) being edfied in love. All
the members of a congregation ideally are to be busy
body building both individually and collectively. Are
we doing this?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: NOTE: One of my all-time favorites
ts. The sharing of marriage
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French
fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries,
dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat
his few bites of hamburger, the people! around them
were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple -
all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to
the table and politely offered to buy another meal for
the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine
they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady
hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let
him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman
said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."!
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his
face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came
over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a
single bite of food and asked "What is it you are
waiting for?"
She answered (This is great) "THE TEETH."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Misc. Funnies
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same
thing?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected
expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read
all right?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The minister visited this woman and she told him how whe loves to read her Bible. She tells her kid to go get mommy's favorite book and he came back with the TV Guide!!
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sugar Worry
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dynamite Bumps"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
Two goobers are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.
"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."
"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat . . "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Sacred cows make the best hamburger." - Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Faithfulness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.
He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.
Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.
"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister and I are close, and that allows us to be honest
with each other. One evening as I prepared for a date, I
remarked, "I'm fat."
"No, you're not," she scolded.
"My hair is awful," I said.
"It's lovely," she encouraged.
"I've never looked worse," I whined.
And she said, "Yes, you have."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Peanuts .......
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of
seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his
shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a
handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he
asks the little old lady, " why then don't you eat the
peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've
no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate
around them."
It pays to be careful around old people. Don't mess
with us old timers..............
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LaMi -- Are You A Bodybuilder?
Georgie is into bodybuilding right now. He has some
great equipment at home and is bulking up nicely. Ask
him to show you his biceps? Now, what he is doing, I
applaud. It is good that men stay in shape to better
equip them for the heavier work they do, as well as
improving their overall health, so as to be there for
their dependents in the future.
But, there are two other kinds of bodybuilding we all
ought to do. First, we ought to build up the body of
Christ in us personally. Ephesians 4:12-13 urges each
Christian to be equipped and then edified (built up)
into a mature man, filling out the full size of
Christ. It reminds me of those ads years ago, where we
as "90 lbs. weaklings" need to fill out, through
bodybuilding, the form of Mr. Universe (Jesus Christ).
Are we doing this?
Second, there is the bodybuilding of the church, the
body of Christ. In the same Ephesians context
(4:12-16) the Holy Spirit speaks of that, too. The
body (congregation) is to be edified (built up) by
each joint (member) doing its share and contributing
to the whole group (body) being edfied in love. All
the members of a congregation ideally are to be busy
body building both individually and collectively. Are
we doing this?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: NOTE: One of my all-time favorites
ts. The sharing of marriage
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French
fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries,
dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat
his few bites of hamburger, the people! around them
were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple -
all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to
the table and politely offered to buy another meal for
the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine
they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady
hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let
him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman
said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."!
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his
face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came
over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a
single bite of food and asked "What is it you are
waiting for?"
She answered (This is great) "THE TEETH."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Misc. Funnies
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same
thing?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected
expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read
all right?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The minister visited this woman and she told him how whe loves to read her Bible. She tells her kid to go get mommy's favorite book and he came back with the TV Guide!!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
hUMOR For April 25th
Thanks to JLH: Preaching to a bear - silver
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes
down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news
is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the
Nile."
The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.
The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to
go water skiing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh.............
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes
down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news
is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the
Nile."
The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.
The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to
go water skiing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh.............
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Monday, April 24, 2006
hUMOR For April 24th
Thanks to JLH: Preaching to a bear - silver
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
hUMOR For April 24th
Thanks to JLH: Preaching to a bear - silver
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
hUMOR For April 24th
Thanks to JLH: Preaching to a bear - silver
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
hUMOR For April 23rd
Guided Tour
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old
European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she
enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in
some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time
I've been here"
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years......."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Away Messages"
When you are out of the office, here are some away messages to use:
1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.
4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss's cell phone number here).
5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Health"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Jeff is an attendant in a Laundromat. A woman came in, sat near him, and chain smoked cigarette after cigarette. The smoke was bothering him, so he turned on a fan.
"Could you please point that thing in another direction?" the woman asked.
"I'm just getting over pneumonia. The last thing I need is a breeze blowing on me."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Squirrel Problem
There were four country churches in a small Texas
town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the
Methodist Church, and the Catholic Church. Each church
was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration, they determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the METHODIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up
habitation in the baptistery bowl. The deacons met and
decided to put a cover on the baptistery bowl and
drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped
somehow and there were twice as many there the next
week.
The CATHOLIC group got together and decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them
free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
the squirrels were back.
But -- the BAPTIST CHURCH came up with the best and
most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels
and registered them as members of the church. Now they
only see them on Christmas and Easter!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Fable
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food
might this contain?" the mouse wondered. He was
devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating
to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That
very night a sound was heard throughout the house --
like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the
farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital,
and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear
someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't
concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened,
we are all at risk. We are all involved in this
journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one
another and make an extra effort to encourage one
another.
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old
European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she
enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in
some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time
I've been here"
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years......."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Away Messages"
When you are out of the office, here are some away messages to use:
1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.
4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss's cell phone number here).
5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Health"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Jeff is an attendant in a Laundromat. A woman came in, sat near him, and chain smoked cigarette after cigarette. The smoke was bothering him, so he turned on a fan.
"Could you please point that thing in another direction?" the woman asked.
"I'm just getting over pneumonia. The last thing I need is a breeze blowing on me."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Squirrel Problem
There were four country churches in a small Texas
town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the
Methodist Church, and the Catholic Church. Each church
was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration, they determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the METHODIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up
habitation in the baptistery bowl. The deacons met and
decided to put a cover on the baptistery bowl and
drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped
somehow and there were twice as many there the next
week.
The CATHOLIC group got together and decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them
free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
the squirrels were back.
But -- the BAPTIST CHURCH came up with the best and
most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels
and registered them as members of the church. Now they
only see them on Christmas and Easter!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Fable
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food
might this contain?" the mouse wondered. He was
devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating
to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That
very night a sound was heard throughout the house --
like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the
farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital,
and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear
someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't
concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened,
we are all at risk. We are all involved in this
journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one
another and make an extra effort to encourage one
another.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
hUMOR For April 22nd
A fire fighter is working on one of the engines outside the station, when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon, with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Batchelor"
I realized that my six-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a cousin's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the synagogue, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"There are more important things in life than money but they won't go out with you if you're broke."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Meat Bet "
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Tom's note: This sound like something that Andy Rooney would have said.)
GCF: Memory Lane
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday: "FENDER SKIRTS".
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender
skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear
from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs."
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that
direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly
person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and
spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a
Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point
"parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama
that went with "emergency brake."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you
could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore -
"store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought
these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought
dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement
and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for
granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our
homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with,
wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their
wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word
I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say.
And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee,
I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so
modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and
"Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured,
because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list.
The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner."
Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age"
would remember most of these. So, just for fun, Pass it along to
others of "a certain age."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BLONDE'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?" she asks. "125," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 160.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
The doctor put me on Prozac.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Batchelor"
I realized that my six-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a cousin's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the synagogue, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"There are more important things in life than money but they won't go out with you if you're broke."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Meat Bet "
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Tom's note: This sound like something that Andy Rooney would have said.)
GCF: Memory Lane
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday: "FENDER SKIRTS".
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender
skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear
from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs."
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that
direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly
person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and
spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a
Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point
"parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama
that went with "emergency brake."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you
could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore -
"store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought
these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought
dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement
and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for
granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our
homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with,
wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their
wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word
I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say.
And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee,
I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so
modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and
"Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured,
because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list.
The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner."
Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age"
would remember most of these. So, just for fun, Pass it along to
others of "a certain age."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BLONDE'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?" she asks. "125," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 160.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
The doctor put me on Prozac.
Friday, April 21, 2006
hUMOR For April 21
Translation
A company was doing an English-language movie where, at one point, an
exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a
vital message in Swahili. They even found someone who knew the
language, and the scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it
played in an African town where Swahili was well-known. A moment of
high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Funeral Music"
At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to, "Love me Tender."
Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I would never want to reach out someday with a soft, uncallused hand -- a hand never dirtied by serving and shake the nail-pierced hand of Jesus." - Bill Hybels
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Secrets"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.
One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."
She looked him straight in the eye before whispering, "We have monsters in our sewer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote
this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments
will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your
bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please
find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you
call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to
access my computer is required. A password will be
communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the
head hog at the trough there?"
The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor
as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."
"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a
local phase we use in the part of the country I come from.
The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your
building fund."
The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming
through the door right now."
A company was doing an English-language movie where, at one point, an
exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a
vital message in Swahili. They even found someone who knew the
language, and the scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it
played in an African town where Swahili was well-known. A moment of
high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Funeral Music"
At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to, "Love me Tender."
Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I would never want to reach out someday with a soft, uncallused hand -- a hand never dirtied by serving and shake the nail-pierced hand of Jesus." - Bill Hybels
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Secrets"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.
One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."
She looked him straight in the eye before whispering, "We have monsters in our sewer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote
this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments
will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your
bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please
find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you
call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to
access my computer is required. A password will be
communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the
head hog at the trough there?"
The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor
as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."
"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a
local phase we use in the part of the country I come from.
The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your
building fund."
The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming
through the door right now."
Thursday, April 20, 2006
hUMOR For April 20th
"Patio Problem"
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." - Jerry Seinfeld
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sister Help"
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.
Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second Try
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's
better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all
over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile,
announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply.
"It's after seven o'clock!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: 12 Things To Learn
The value of time
The need of perseverance
The pleasure of serving
The dignity of simplicity
The true worth of character
The power of kindness
The influence of example
The obligation of duty
The wisdom of economy
The virtue of patience
The nobility of labor
The teachings of Him who said, "Learn of Me."
anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Toilet Paper Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love
this -- especially all the ladies who bake for church
events.
Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church
ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa , but she forgot
to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the
morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found a dusty old Angel food cake mix in
the back of her kitchen cabinet and quickly made it
while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son
Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the
cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another
cake."
The cake was so important to Alice because she did so
want to fit in at her new church, and in her new
community of new friends. So, being inventive and not
wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman
able to handle all things at all times or wondering
why she was not participating in her church's bazaar,
she looked around the house for something to build up
the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom .. a roll of toilet
paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it
looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the
church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter
Amanda and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it
opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it
home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that
the attractive cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified... she was beside herself.
Everyone would know... what would they think? Oh, my
she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed. She would have to move or kill herself! All
night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people
pointing their fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would
try not to think about the cake and she would attend a
fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend
of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not
really want to attend because the hostess was a snob (
who more than once had looked down her nose at the
fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the
founding families of Tuscaloosa ), but having already
RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to
stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was
definitely upper crust old South.... and to Alice's
horror the CAKE in question was presented for dessert
!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw
the cake. She started to get out of her chair to rush
into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife
said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned and trying to formulate
what words she would use to explain the situation, sat
back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was
a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it
myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself "There is a God".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A SOUTHERN PHONE CALL
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco,
and
started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he
began
taking photographs and making notes.
In one c hurch, he spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule
wall,
and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the
sign.
The
pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven,
and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake
City,
Denver, Chicago,! Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found
more such
phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each
pastor.
Finally, the man arrived at a church in the lovely state of
Virginia. Upon entering the church, behold: he saw the usual
golden
telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: Calls: 25 cents!
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.
"Reverend,
I
have been in cities all across the country and in each church I
have
found
this golden telephone , and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven, and
that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the
cost was
$10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is
that?"
(I just love this part!)
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the
South now, it's a local call."
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." - Jerry Seinfeld
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sister Help"
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.
Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second Try
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's
better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all
over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile,
announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply.
"It's after seven o'clock!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: 12 Things To Learn
The value of time
The need of perseverance
The pleasure of serving
The dignity of simplicity
The true worth of character
The power of kindness
The influence of example
The obligation of duty
The wisdom of economy
The virtue of patience
The nobility of labor
The teachings of Him who said, "Learn of Me."
anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Toilet Paper Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love
this -- especially all the ladies who bake for church
events.
Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church
ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa , but she forgot
to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the
morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found a dusty old Angel food cake mix in
the back of her kitchen cabinet and quickly made it
while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son
Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the
cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another
cake."
The cake was so important to Alice because she did so
want to fit in at her new church, and in her new
community of new friends. So, being inventive and not
wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman
able to handle all things at all times or wondering
why she was not participating in her church's bazaar,
she looked around the house for something to build up
the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom .. a roll of toilet
paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it
looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the
church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter
Amanda and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it
opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it
home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that
the attractive cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified... she was beside herself.
Everyone would know... what would they think? Oh, my
she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed. She would have to move or kill herself! All
night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people
pointing their fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would
try not to think about the cake and she would attend a
fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend
of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not
really want to attend because the hostess was a snob (
who more than once had looked down her nose at the
fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the
founding families of Tuscaloosa ), but having already
RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to
stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was
definitely upper crust old South.... and to Alice's
horror the CAKE in question was presented for dessert
!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw
the cake. She started to get out of her chair to rush
into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife
said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned and trying to formulate
what words she would use to explain the situation, sat
back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was
a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it
myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself "There is a God".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A SOUTHERN PHONE CALL
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco,
and
started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he
began
taking photographs and making notes.
In one c hurch, he spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule
wall,
and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the
sign.
The
pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven,
and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake
City,
Denver, Chicago,! Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found
more such
phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each
pastor.
Finally, the man arrived at a church in the lovely state of
Virginia. Upon entering the church, behold: he saw the usual
golden
telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: Calls: 25 cents!
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.
"Reverend,
I
have been in cities all across the country and in each church I
have
found
this golden telephone , and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven, and
that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the
cost was
$10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is
that?"
(I just love this part!)
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the
South now, it's a local call."
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
hUMOR For April 19th
In Great Detail
One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local Air Force Base, I
overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his
uniform cleaned and pressed.
When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award,
or do you have an important military function to attend?"
"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and
my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BE... B.A.D.
While shopping at a local Wal-Mart, I spotted a man with an acronym on his shirt that had B.A.D. Me, being curious, I stopped the man and asked, "What does B.A.D. stand for?" Trust me; you'll be amazed at what his response was.
He replied B.A.D. stands for: "Blessed And Delivered."
That thought stuck with me as I finished doing my shopping that day. So I came up with a little advice for you today.
* When the enemy tries to attack you, be B.A.D.
* When things don't seem to be going right on your job, be B.A.D
* When things are not looking good in your marriage, be B.A.D.
* When folks scandalize your name, just be B.A.D.
Get with somebody you know that you can be B.A.D. with!!!!
Now send this to the people who you know don't mind being B.A.D.
May God Bless You And Have A B.A.D. Day
heh heh: someone sent this to me & I LOVED it!!!
So I thought we could be B.A.D. together:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank,
and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there
is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access
my computer is required. A password will be communicated to
you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous,
New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Interpreting Hotel Brochures"
Old world charm ............. No bath
Tropical .................... Rainy
Majestic setting ............ A long way from town
Options galore .............. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ........... Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ........ Already occupied
Explore on your own ......... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............... No extras
Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge
Standard .................... Sub-standard
Deluxe ...................... Standard
Superior .................... One free shower cap
Cozy ........................ Small
All the amenities ........... Two free shower caps
Plush ....................... Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes .............. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy .............. No air conditioning
Picturesque ................. Theme park nearby
Concierge ................... Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ....... Free muffin
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." - Corrie Ten Boom, author and Holocaust survivor
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Communication"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A bricklayer at my husband's construction job routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box. "I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife straight."
The next day the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to hear what happened. "You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point across.
He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut- and a hammer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Air Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola
Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that
is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old
daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot
and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"
One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local Air Force Base, I
overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his
uniform cleaned and pressed.
When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award,
or do you have an important military function to attend?"
"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and
my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BE... B.A.D.
While shopping at a local Wal-Mart, I spotted a man with an acronym on his shirt that had B.A.D. Me, being curious, I stopped the man and asked, "What does B.A.D. stand for?" Trust me; you'll be amazed at what his response was.
He replied B.A.D. stands for: "Blessed And Delivered."
That thought stuck with me as I finished doing my shopping that day. So I came up with a little advice for you today.
* When the enemy tries to attack you, be B.A.D.
* When things don't seem to be going right on your job, be B.A.D
* When things are not looking good in your marriage, be B.A.D.
* When folks scandalize your name, just be B.A.D.
Get with somebody you know that you can be B.A.D. with!!!!
Now send this to the people who you know don't mind being B.A.D.
May God Bless You And Have A B.A.D. Day
heh heh: someone sent this to me & I LOVED it!!!
So I thought we could be B.A.D. together:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank,
and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there
is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access
my computer is required. A password will be communicated to
you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous,
New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Interpreting Hotel Brochures"
Old world charm ............. No bath
Tropical .................... Rainy
Majestic setting ............ A long way from town
Options galore .............. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ........... Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ........ Already occupied
Explore on your own ......... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............... No extras
Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge
Standard .................... Sub-standard
Deluxe ...................... Standard
Superior .................... One free shower cap
Cozy ........................ Small
All the amenities ........... Two free shower caps
Plush ....................... Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes .............. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy .............. No air conditioning
Picturesque ................. Theme park nearby
Concierge ................... Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ....... Free muffin
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." - Corrie Ten Boom, author and Holocaust survivor
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Communication"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A bricklayer at my husband's construction job routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box. "I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife straight."
The next day the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to hear what happened. "You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point across.
He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut- and a hammer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Air Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola
Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that
is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old
daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot
and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
hUMOR For April 18th
"Egg Contents"
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chicken Surprise
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and
orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the
meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady
little eyes looking around before the lid slams back
down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He
reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees
two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter
over, describes what is happening, and demands an
explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you
Peeking Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and
frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel
required, including trips to primitive camping sites
on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in
far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at
least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be
willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess
the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case,
this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget
repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars
and coordinate production of multiple homework
projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental
outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one
minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the
worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18
because of the assumption that college will help them
become financally independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no
tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock
options are offered; this job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and
kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in
appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated for the
fabulous job they do... or forward wit love to anyone
thinking of applying for the job.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a
bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make
that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chicken Surprise
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and
orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the
meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady
little eyes looking around before the lid slams back
down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He
reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees
two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter
over, describes what is happening, and demands an
explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you
Peeking Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and
frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel
required, including trips to primitive camping sites
on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in
far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at
least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be
willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess
the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case,
this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget
repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars
and coordinate production of multiple homework
projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental
outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one
minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the
worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18
because of the assumption that college will help them
become financally independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no
tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock
options are offered; this job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and
kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in
appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated for the
fabulous job they do... or forward wit love to anyone
thinking of applying for the job.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a
bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make
that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day
Monday, April 17, 2006
hUMOR For April 17th
A two-year-old girl, April, was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. April kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.
With about six other patients waiting, April marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.
"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
Her mother woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting.
The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was.
The car was driven by an elderly woman. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green.
She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." She pointed to the right.
The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."
The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ON RED.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Al, a nice Grandpa and his granddaughter Meghan were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the Meghan asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," Al answered.
For a few minutes, Meghan seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, found no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember, old folks are worth a fortune-silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time. No matter where I am-in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement-I ask myself what am I here after?"
With about six other patients waiting, April marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.
"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
Her mother woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting.
The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was.
The car was driven by an elderly woman. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green.
She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." She pointed to the right.
The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."
The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ON RED.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Al, a nice Grandpa and his granddaughter Meghan were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the Meghan asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," Al answered.
For a few minutes, Meghan seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, found no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember, old folks are worth a fortune-silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time. No matter where I am-in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement-I ask myself what am I here after?"
Sunday, April 16, 2006
hUMOR For April 16th
Parking Meter
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack
over it upon which was written: "Broken."
A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in
the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer
began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a
nearby building.
"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter.
"There's plenty of time left!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christian One Liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember,
Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until
you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live
one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything without a
purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives
there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the
middle of the road, and the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on
your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect,
you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs
to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he
is dead. So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people change churches; what
difference does it make which one you stay home from?!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on
the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of
the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power
behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of
God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes
to..........discourage him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Expecting"
"How does Jamie like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Danny pressed.
"Well, Ryan explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . .
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Logic"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,"DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue!
The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects and favorite pork-barrel projects like studying sneezing and the swimming habits of insects..
This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!
Simply send that letter back marked, "Return to Sender". If they inquire by phone, please don't use my name; I'm shy and modest about receiving the credit.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Resaturant Service
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was
crowded with fans watching a sporting event on
television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than
half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless
when suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if
someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senior humor
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer
pressure."
--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older
than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license.
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over K-Mart. "K-Mart?" the preacher
exclaimed. "Why K-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my
daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffeemaker.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for
women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns
of Putty."
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of
it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get
back up.!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow
old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack
over it upon which was written: "Broken."
A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in
the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer
began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a
nearby building.
"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter.
"There's plenty of time left!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christian One Liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember,
Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until
you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live
one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything without a
purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives
there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the
middle of the road, and the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on
your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect,
you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs
to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he
is dead. So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people change churches; what
difference does it make which one you stay home from?!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on
the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of
the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power
behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of
God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes
to..........discourage him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Expecting"
"How does Jamie like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Danny pressed.
"Well, Ryan explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . .
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Logic"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,"DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue!
The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects and favorite pork-barrel projects like studying sneezing and the swimming habits of insects..
This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!
Simply send that letter back marked, "Return to Sender". If they inquire by phone, please don't use my name; I'm shy and modest about receiving the credit.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Resaturant Service
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was
crowded with fans watching a sporting event on
television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than
half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless
when suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if
someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senior humor
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer
pressure."
--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older
than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license.
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over K-Mart. "K-Mart?" the preacher
exclaimed. "Why K-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my
daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffeemaker.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for
women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns
of Putty."
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of
it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get
back up.!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow
old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
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