hUMOR For March 31st

Rice Preference

The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a
protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As
he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you
like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied
clearly, "Thrown."
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An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for
Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the
local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by
the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews
with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays
for them to celebrate.

The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the
cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest
attorney to the case.

The case was brought up before a learned judge who, after
listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU
representative, promptly banged his gavel and said, "Case
dismissed!"

The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and
said, "Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the
Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other
observances. And the Jews--why, in addition to Passover,
they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah ... and yet my client and
all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said,
"Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for
that matter even celebrate the atheists' holiday!"

The ACLU lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no such
holiday for atheists--just when might that be?"

The judge said "Well, it comes every year at the same
time--April 1st!"
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Computer Error"
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T
....IDIOT....
I used to like Harold.
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CleanQuote
"Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them."
- Shawn Alexander
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"White Lies"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events...
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after running through cabinets, she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured..She said, "Oh dear, there is no time to bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom-- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9.30, and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When the Daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold..Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified, she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend, and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd. She could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South...and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!" Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."
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THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T............

1 . Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7 UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He
was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will
kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's
stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear
pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in
the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the
'upper case' letters ! were stored in the case on top of the case that
stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at
the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II
were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a
recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple,
and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to
paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and
sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being
able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in
quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the
Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of
celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages it .

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot
safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still
walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America
willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her fanny off
to jail."

hUMOR For March 30th

Waitress Date

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but
couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she
quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and
blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't
even make eye contact?"

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Top 10 Signs that you company is planning to lay you off."
10. You frequently overhear the CEO mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-You"
9. The guys from the mailroom see you, and their first response is "Oh, are you still here.".
8. The guy from HR keeps asking when can he show your cubicle.
7. Your coworkers keep dropping by and you catch them applying their name to your stapler.
6. The Director of HR starts an office betting pool of who will be laid off next and he chooses you.
5. Your boss has moved your desk to the inside of the men's bathroom, at the gas station down the street from the office.
4. All of the pictures on your desk have been replaced by people that you don't know.
3. The Director of HR borrows $300 dollars from you, promises to pay it back to you in one week and laughs while she is saying it.
2. They ask you to write a description of your job and send it to them in the form of a job classified ad.
1. Your boss calls a meeting and tells everyone to raise their hands if they will have a job tomorrow and he motions for you to keep your hand down.
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Oneliner
"Ask me about my vow of silence."
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"Tollboth"
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.
Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
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After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy
decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and
replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all the
colored eggs, then stormed outside and beat up the peacock!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Things you should never say to a pregnant woman:
"Honey, come on, you're blocking the big screen TV!"
"No, I don't mind. Helping you get up out of the chair is a bit habit forming."
"Sorry I can't give you a hug, my arms aren't that long."
"What do you mean, the seat belt won't fit?!"
"So the doctor said you're going to get, um, even bigger?"
"Why not wear one of my shirts? Oh, they don't fit either..."
"Bet you $20 I can outrun you across the back yard!"
"Come on, as soon as my team breaks this tied game, we'll leave for the hospital."
"Since your contractions are so far apart, how about cooking us some boiled cabbage and sauerkraut before we leave?"
"Maybe someday you'll return the favor and tie MY shoes."
"But why can't you trim your own toe nails?"
..and anything said while she is looking in the mirror just after taking a bath.

hUMOR FOR March 29th

Take this test to see just how Southern you are......Then put your percentage into the subject line and forward it to others. Just for fun send it back to the one that sent it to you.........


http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/yankeetest.html
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Shipwrecked

The shipwrecked mariner had spent a number of years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
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Two bachelors were talking. One said to the other, "I got a
cookbook the other day, but I can't do any of the recipes."

"Why? Are they too difficult?" asked the second.

"No," the first replied. "It's just that they all start with
the same thing: 'Take a clean dish...'"
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Are You a Policeman?"
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
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CleanQuote
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." - Mario Andretti
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"Innocent Dangers"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
She shot him.

hUMOR For March 28th

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's
annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I
have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back
upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."

There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.

"That's better," said his father. "Now in the future you
will always come downstairs like that."

"OK," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
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"Roughhousing"
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"
The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"
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A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give
him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he
probably wouldn't notice her.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as
well, so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another
neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little
friend noticed the sa! me lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you
noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The friend said, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
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You Know It's Time To Diet When...

- You dance and it makes the band skip.

- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and
the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you
peanuts.

- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on
other side."

- You run away, and your picture takes up all four
sides of the milk carton.

- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your
mouth.

- You could sell shade.

- Your blood type is Ragu.

- You need an appointment to attend an "open house."

hUMOR For March 27th

Sven bought a donkey from a Rochester, MN preacher. The preacher told Sven that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (logical, being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
Sven was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted Sven. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted Sven. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said Sven. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.
Sven traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said Sven. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no..."
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted Sven. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, Sven said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted Sven.
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Women are... Women are like apples on trees. The
best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't
want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
sometimes take the apples from the ground that
aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top
think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the
right man to come along, the one who is brave enough
to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share
this with women who are good apples, even those who
have already been picked!


Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as
grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the daylights out
of them until they turn into something acceptable.
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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. <>
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies????
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1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

hUMOR For March 26th

"Freeway Repair"
An off-ramp of a freeway in Long Beach, CA, has been torn up for years.
Recently, someone put up a handmade sign reading,
"Scientists tell us that the sun will burn out in one and a half billion years. It is sad that this contractor will have to finish working in the dark."
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CleanQuote
"The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip."
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"Expectations"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Recently, I showed a home to a couple who seemed eager to check out the fantastic view from the living room.
As I dramatically pulled back the drapes, the disappointed husband asked, "Where is the view? Those mountains must be blocking it."
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A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't remember the names of those who were to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
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God, grant me the Senility...
To forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight To tell the difference.
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A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family.
After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.
After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right.
Then the landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?"
The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
The landlord, feeling sympathetic towards the man's situation, rented the apartment to him.
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Things NOT to say in an argument with your spouse
• "Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?"
• "No, really, I was laughing about . . . This joke I heard one time."
• "Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset."
• "You're just upset because your caboose is starting to spread."
• "Wait a minute, I get it… What time of the month is it?"
• "Are you gonna cry? {Force lip to quiver mockingly} Cry for your mommy?"
• "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?"
• "That reminds me. Next time you go to the store, could you add 'giant cork' to the shopping list?"
• "Whoa, time out honey, Frasier's back."
• "Is there anyway we could do this via e-mail?"
• "Whom are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded."
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A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was historically inevitable.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: . . .and God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?
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I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

hUMOR For March 25th

"Vacuum Repair"
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home-repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
Dianne suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Jester"
"An unemployed jester is nobody's fool."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the
earth?" One little girl spoke up: "According to my daddy --
terrible!"

* Trying to come to the aid of his father, who was stopped
by an officer for speeding, the little tyke piped up, "Yeah?
Well, if we were speeding, so were you!"

* Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One
said, "Let's play doctor." "Good idea," said the other. "You
operate, and I'll sue."

* I guess you can get too health conscious... The wife and I
don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a
snack of some munchies or other, my grandson asked what
vitamins they had in them. I told him I doubted there were
any at all. He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just
for fun?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE



[Image]

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want
To delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

Works for me!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bonus

(Here's hoping there is no one like this at your workplace.)

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand
dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting
future bonuses to ten dollars.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man is playing the piano softly one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant (told you) who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly starts to cry.
"There, there", says the pianist "Do you recognize the song?"
"No, no," says the elephant "I recognize the keys."

hUMOR For March 24th

Considerate?

As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office,
the car phone rang. It was my husband. "Will you be joining me in the
whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked. "What a lovely way to spend an
evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate he was
when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start adding
more water to the tub."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew,
"They won't let me pass gas..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Flight Advice"
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
“If you believe everything you read, better not read.” - Japanese Proverb
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Innocence"
In the maternity ward of a hospital, newborn girl baby looks over at newborn boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"
The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"
"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.
"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty nightshirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I recently attended a small business marketing seminar at
which the speaker used actual examples to reinforce her
teaching points. She told a delightful story about a
coffeeshop that distinguished itself from the competition by
prominently displaying a warning sign that read: "Unattended
children will be given a double espresso and a free puppy!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LaMi -- Polish Joke

A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of
Motor Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's
license and is told he has to take an eye test. The
examiner shows him a card with the letters:

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Might Be A Preacher If...

1. You might be a preacher if people leave while you
are talking.

3. You might be a preacher if you've ever wanted to
wish the people a "Merry Christmas" on Easter, because
that is the next time you will see them.

4. You might be a preacher is you've ever wanted to
fire the church and form a congregational search
committee.

5. You might be a preacher if you scan the help-wanted
ads and resign in your mind on Monday mornings.

6. You might be a preacher if you'd rather talk to
people with every head bowed and every eye closed.

7. You might be a preacher if your boss won't give you
Sundays off.

8. You might be a preacher if you have ever had a
personality conflict with an elder - you had one and
he didn't.

9. You might be a preacher if you heard one of your
elders praying, "Lord, you keep him humble and we will
keep him poor."

10. You might be a preacher if you have ever received
an anonymous phone call.

11. You might be a preacher if you have never been
ashamed of the Gospel, but have been occasionally of
your church.

12. You might be a preacher if your phone occasionally
rings at 3 or 4 AM in the morning.

13. You might be a preacher if everyone expects
perfection out of you, when they know themselves that
no human is perfect.

14. You might be a preacher if you get blamed for
anything that goes wrong in the church.

15. You may be a preacher if when you have given a
stinging rebuke at sin, the person involved begins to
look at the ceiling, the floor, or else try to "stare
you down."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Young Patients

A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young
patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.

One day, while pointing to a Little boy's ear, the doctor asked him,
"Is this your nose?"

Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I
think we'd better find a new doctor!"

hUMOR For March 23rd

Don't Ignore the Kids

The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while
the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally
he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out
to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy
replied. "But I got even."

"How?"

"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the
youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at eight o'clock."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Age Advice"
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Originality is merely undetected plagiarism."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Ford Air Conditioning"
It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic carmaker, Henry Ford.
"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest peaked.
Hi Greenberg continued, "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building.
Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.
"Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be one hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!"
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one-half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off.
However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:
HI NORM MAX
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the
first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in
a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more
space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down,
only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio
level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following
morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are
you going to put your patio away every night?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ban Smoking or Homosexuality?

Did you know that male homosexuals have a 35 year
shorter life expectancy than the main population? In
the news of late is the debate over banning cigarette
smoking in enclosed public places. Fair enough;
smoking causes a lot of health problems, and shortens
life spans. Well, the logic that says it is right for
society to impose restrictions on smokers must then
equally conclude society is right to impose
restrictions on homosexual conduct, correct? Don't
hold your breath. I don't know how much smoking
reduces life expectancy, but I am pretty sure it is a
lot less than 35 years. Am I missing something?

There is a huge concern over another influenza
pandemic, like that of a hundred years ago in this
country. People are beginning to worry about a
so-called bird flu mutating to where it infects
humans. We are so concerned about steroid use by
athletes and drug use and abuse by the general
population. Then there are other health issues that we
seem to think the government should step in and
regulate for society's overall health. We even think
pressure should be applied to restaurants so as to
curb fat in french fries, oil in theater popcorn, and
sugar in soda pop, etc. Okay. Why not restrict
homosexuality for the same reason?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laws Concerning Food and Drink

Household Principles
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier

*Laws of Forbidden Places*

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the
sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight
you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers,
you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and
of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright
color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in
the living room.

Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen
after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in
the living room. Of the juices and other beverages,
yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but
not in the living room, neither may you carry such
therein.

Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may
not eat, neither may you drink.

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.

*Laws When at Table*

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a
chair such as a greater person might use, keep your
legs and feet below you as they were.

Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon
the table, for that is an abomination to me.

Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to
show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and
worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it
any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that
is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks
in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away
from my presence.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain
upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and
by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make
noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be
sent away from my presence.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until
you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your
brother or your sister what is within; verily I say to
you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister
has done the same before you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to
you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in
pretend, because we do not do that, that is why.

And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small
trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest,
because we do not do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one
side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly
slid away.

Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go
into the syrup.

And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to
pass.

*Laws Pertaining to Dessert*

For as we judge between the plate that is unclean and
the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is
clean, then you shall have dessert.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:

If ye have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of
your peas with each bite consisting of not less than
three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I
can see, and you have also eaten enough of your
potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where
I can see, then ye shall have dessert.

But if ye eat a lesser number of peas, and yet ye eat
the potatoes, still ye shall not have dessert; and if
ye eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, ye
shall not have dessert, no, verily I say unto you, not
even a small portion thereof!

And if thou tries to deceive by moving the potatoes or
peas around with a fork, that it may appear that thou
hast eaten what thou hast not, ye will fall into
iniquity.

And I will know, and ye shall have no dessert.

*On Screaming*

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the
time.

If ye are given a plate on which two foods ye do not
wish to touch each other are touching each other, and
your voice rises up even unto the ceiling, while ye
point to the offense with the finger of your right
hand; but I say unto you, scream not, only remonstrate
gently with the server, that the server may correct
his transgression and peace shall prevail throughout
the land.

Likewise if ye receive a portion of fish from which
every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped
off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and
steeped in vileness, again I say, verily, refrain from
screaming.

Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a
faint unto death, make not that sound from within your
throat, neither cover your face, nor press your
fingers to your nose.

For even as I have made the fish, and it is as it
should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.

*Concerning Face and Hands*

Cast your countenance upward unto the light, and lift
your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash
you off.

For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of
your head, and there is rice thereon.

And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the
tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are
distributed in a manner beyond comprehension!

Only hold thyself still; hold still, I say.

Give unto each finger in its turn for my examination
thereof, and also each thumb.

Lo, how iniquitous they appear.

What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go
henceforth until I have done.

*Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances*

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.

Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath
water of any beast of the field, or any fowl of the
air nor of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even
if it be in the package; nor rub your feet against
cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what hath the cat done, that
you should go forth and afflict it so and bindeth it
with tape?

And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor
stand between the light and the book.

Verily I say unto you, you will drive me to madness.

Neither forget what I said about the tape.

[Ian Frazier, "Laws Concerning Food and Drink:
Household Principles, Lamentations of the Father," The
Atlantic Monthly, February 1997, Volume 279, No. 2,
pages 89-90.]

hUMOR For March 22nd

Hopeless Pupil

"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher.
"I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."

"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher.
"But you only have two ears."

"You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Things to do When Your ISP Goes Down"
1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
8. Sleep (and dream about surfing the Internet)!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hope"
The coach's wife yells to her husband, "It's Sports Illustrated on the phone."
The coach falls all over himself racing to the phone and says, "Hello?"
Then he hears, "For just 75 cents an issue..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.

During a break, she decided to call home collect. My
six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a
stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you
accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside
screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SOUTHERNOSTY

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy
fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE"
them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the
general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is
-- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is
not a request for the white, granular sweet substance
that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the
table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They
might not use the term, but they know the concept
well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best
gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is
a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece."

They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile
or 20.

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun,
a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines.
We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're
"in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will
discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat
them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red
eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried
green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself
lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a
genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet
milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots
of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet
milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And there's the ole time favorite of "goin" back home
to see mommernem" for some "down home cookin".

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on
the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go
your own way.

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by
your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of
sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your
heart! And to those of you who are still having a hard
time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your
hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on
Southernness as a second language! And for those that
are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch
that reads, "I aint from the South but I got here as
fast as I could." Bless your hearts, ya'll have a
blessed day.

hUMOR For March 21st

One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her
six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and
hit his head.

Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all
night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's
your name?" Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she
entered the room.

When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white
on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled
message taped to his forehead.

It read: "My name is Daniel."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: THE POPE GETS BEHIND THE WHEEL

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded
into the limo,(and he doesn't travel light), the
driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the
curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they
never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a
cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can't let you do
that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should
happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be
something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a
smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport the pope accelerates to 105MPH.
(Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the
worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the
metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my
job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the
cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,
goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the
dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that
he's stopped a limo going 105 MPH."So bust him," says
the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really
important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit
of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious: "What
makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's PearlyGates Item
Wendy was waiting her turn at the bakery, when she heard a prospective bride give the cake decorator a hard time as she previewed her wedding cake. She demanded many extras and was critical of the work he'd done so far. After she left, he muttered, "I'm glad I put my special golden award on this cake. That young woman is sure eligible for it."
Curious, Wendy studied the cake closely, but saw nothing. Finally the decorator pointed to the tiny bridegroom atop the cake with his tiny bride and there it was. Barely visible was the "golden award", a tiny wedding ring, inserted in the groom's nose.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bubba @ Junior

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior! shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Until late last summer, Bubba and Junior were employed working for the City of New Orleans, among the workers maintaining those New Orleans levees.

hUMOR For March 20th

Cruise Questions"
Top Ten Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship
- Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line
10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked: If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TF: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it
that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick,
age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori,
age 8

WHAT DO! MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

( 1 ) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --
Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to
deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?"
Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling
her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's
failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and
her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her
daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter
says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.
"Yuck" says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking
soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things
seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put
together in the right way, they make a wonderfully
delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He
would let us go through such bad and difficult times.
But God knows that when He puts these things all in
His order, they always work for good! We just have to
trust Him and, eventually, they will all make
something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every
spring and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live
anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

hUMOR For March 19th

Mess Cake

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much
grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they
gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer
and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful
when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A
smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap
great benefits he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood
back and watched the food being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything
he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the
desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of
chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you
like two pieces of cake?"

The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs,
"I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to D & M Sayle: This is just too good not to
try -- I guarantee it! ts

Just wanted to let you know the New Homeland Security
Bill has passed. Things wil be different now and
Internet surfing as you know it will be tracked by
what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI
says you will not notice anything different.

For a demonstration, click on (or copy and paste) the
link below: Homeland Security

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Differences between Men and Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman
will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband. A man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can
find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a
lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman
you must love her a lot and not try to understand her
at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but
married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes -
there's no use in two people remembering the same
thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Woman somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she
won't change and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything
a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a
woman - before marriage and after marriage.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Math

>From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than
100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are
giving more than 100%? We have all been in situations
where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 101%?

What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

AND, look how far the love of God will take you

L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical
certainty that: While Hard work and Knowledge will get
you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Love of God that will put you over the top!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a friend for an old favorite:

Obituary - Someone Else

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the
death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be
difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many
years and for every one of those years, Someone did
far more than a normal person's share of the work.

Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a
meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list,
"Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was
mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for
inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work
with that group." It was common knowledge that Someone
Else was among the most liberal givers in our church.
Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just
assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes
appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody
expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is
gone! We wonder what we are going to do.

Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but
who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the
things Someone Else did? When you are asked to help
this year, remember - we can't depend on Someone Else
anymore. ~ Author Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Swanky Dining"
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d, "but there are no tables available."
"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."
"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."
"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."
"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."
"Good! I'll take it. George isn't coming!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Make God laugh. Tell him your plans." - Ken Hall
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Stereotypes"
Following a heavy-metal rock concert, one punk rocker stopped at the front desk of the hotel and asked if she had any messages. The desk clerk handed her an unsigned note, and she asked for a description of the person who had left it.
"That's easy," replied the clerk. "He wore tight orange-leather pants, high-heeled black boots and a T-shirt with strategically cut holes. I remember a row of colored safety pins through the outside edge of one ear, and he wore purple eyeshadow. And his hair was orange and spiked."
"Oh, man!," she said, obviously disappointed, "that could be anybody!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*PONDERISMS*

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does a OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

hUMOR For March 18th

Home Donations

A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young
minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations
for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys,
two girls, or one of each."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grasping Challenge"
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, daddy?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "IRS"
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After her son fell into the pond yet again and came home
with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated
mother sent him to his room and washed and dried his
clothes.

A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard and
called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"

There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine
voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the
meter."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Baseball Doctor --

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper
owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a
bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed
several patients and their families in a waiting area.

I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here
comes your anesthesiologist."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: E-Mail Spam

by: Author Unknown

I am spam.

Spam-I-am.

That Spam-I-am.
That Spam-I-am.
I do not like
That Spam-I-am.

Do you like
E-mail spam?

I do not like it,
Spam-I-am.
I do not like
your E-mail Spam.

Would you like it here
or there?

I would not like it.
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it
Spam-I-am.

Would you like it
if it's lewd?
Would you like it
in the nude?

I would not like it
if it's lewd.
I would not like it
in the nude.
I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it
Spam-I-am.

Would you want it
at your ISP?
Would you want it
'cause it's free?

Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if it's lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it.
Spam-I-am.

Would you? Could you?

>From afar?

Take them! Take them!
Here they are.

I would not,
could not,
from afar.

You will like them.
You wil see.
You will like them.
You'll buy from me!

I would not, could not buy from thee.
Not from afar! You let me be.
Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.

A bunch! A bunch!
A bunch! A bunch!
Could you, would you,
love a bunch?

Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee!
Not from afar! Spam! Let me Be!
Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.

Say!
On a lark?
Here on a lark!
Would you read it on a lark?

I would not read it
on a lark?

Would you, could you
think again?

I would not, could not, think again.
Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee!
Not from afar! Not at my ISP.
I do not like it, Spam, you see.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.

Would you, could you,
A pyramid scheme?

I would not, could not,
a pyramid scheme!

Would you, could you,
something really obscene?

I could not, would not, something really obscene.
Will not, will not, a pyramid scheme.
I will not read it on a lark.
I will not, will not think again.
Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee!
Not from afar! Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.

You do not like it,
so you say.
Read it! Read it!
And you may.
Read it and you may, I say.

Spam!
If you will let me be,
I will try it,
You will see.

Say!
I do detest your e-mail spam!
I do! I hate it! Spam-I-am!
I really hate you, and your floozie!
I will hunt you with an Uzi!
I do not want that something really obscene!
I do not want your pyramid scheme!
They should take you to the deck!
And once there... should stretch your neck!
You are so evil, so evil, you see!
Get thee Satan away from me!
If I could find you and your ISP,
I would piddle in your shoes and on your knee!

I find you crude!
I find you rude!
I do not like you here or there.
I would not like you anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
Death to you
Death to you
Spam-I-am.

hUMOR For March 17th

"Deck Praise"
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.
"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."
Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"
She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"
She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn well."
- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Elluding God"
In 1981, a Minnesota radio station reported a story about a stolen car in California. Police were staging an intense search for the vehicle and the driver, even to the point of placing announcements on local radio stations to contact the thief. On the front seat of the stolen car sat a box of crackers that, unknown to the thief, were laced with poison. The car owner had intended to use the crackers as rat bait.
The police and the owner of the VW Bug were more interested in apprehending the thief to save his life than to recover the car. So often when we run from God, we feel it is to escape his punishment. But what we are actually doing is eluding his rescue.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I heard a story recently about a student named Donald
MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (in Scotland) who was
admitted into the prestigious Oxford University and was
living in the hall of residence in his first year there. His
clan was so excited that one of their own had made it into
the upper class of education, but they were concerned how he
would do in "that strange land." After the first month, his
mother came to visit.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she
asked.

"Mother," he replied in his thick brogue, "they're such
terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging
his head against the wall, and he won't stop. The one on the
other side screams and screams and screams away into the
night."

"Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with those awful
noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From WS: An Old Favorite -- The Death Of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense. Sense had been with us for many
years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such
valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the
rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life
isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn)and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a
teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only
worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer aspirin
to a student; but could not inform the parents when a
Student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband; churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was
hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a
huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima
Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone.

--author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS for this favorite: The One Dollar Bill

Take out a one dollar bill, and look at it. The one
dollar bill you're looking at first came off the
presses in 1957 in its present design. This so-called
paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with
red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It
is actually material. We've all washed it without it
falling apart. A special blend of ink is used, the
contents we will never know. It is overprinted with
symbols and then it is starched to make it water
resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look.

If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the
United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see
the scales for a balanced budget. In the center you
have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even
cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States
Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but
what is on the back of that dollar bill is something
we should all know.

If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles.
Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the
United States. The First Continental Congress
requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men
come up with a Seal. It took them four years to
accomplish this task and another two years to get it
approved.

If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a
Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western
side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had
not begun to explore the West or decided what we could
do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is un-capped,
again signifying that we were not even close to being
finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing
eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's
belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group
of men, with the help of God, could do anything.

"IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above
the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored
our undertaking."The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS
ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At the
base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. If
you look at the right-hand circle, and check it
carefully, you will learn that it is on every National
Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the
Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida
National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most
hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of
the President of the United States, and it is always
visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know
what the symbols mean.

The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory
for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm;
he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it.
Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just
broken from the King of England. Also, notice the
shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on
its own. At the top of that shield you have a white
bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were
coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you
will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning, "one nation
from many people".

Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing
the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of
misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming
together as one. Notice what the Eagle holds in his
talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This
country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to
fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to
face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze
turns toward the arrows.

They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This
is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never
see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a
13th floor. But think about this: 13 original
colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of
Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the
Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in
"E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 bars
on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13
fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And, for
minorities: the 13th Amendment.

I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your
children don't know this, and their history teachers
don't know this. Too many veterans have given up too
much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans
remember coming home to an America that didn't care.
Too many veterans never came home at all.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theme Songs for Bible Characters
Noah...Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

Adam and Eve.....Strangers In Paradise

Lazarus........The Second Time Around

Esther........I Feel Pretty

Job........I've Got A Right To Sing The Blues

Moses........The Wanderer

Jezebel........The Lady Is A Tramp

Samson........Hair

Salome........I Could Have Danced All Night

Daniel........The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Joshua........Good Vibrations

Peter........I'm Sorry

Esau.........Born To Be Wild

Jeremiah........Take This Job And Shove It

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego........Great Balls Of Fire

The Three Kings........When You Wish Upon A Star

Jonah..........Got A Whale Of A Tale!

Elijah........Up, Up And Away

Methuselah........Stayin' Alive!

Nebuchadnezzar........Crazy