Babysitting"
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education.
One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them.
Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting."
And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PARAMEDIC LAWYER
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their
respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,"
bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time
by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the
second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model
of traffic patterns, we've cut our average response time by
20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations,
until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our
ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our
emergency response time in half!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Question...
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Somebody told him to "Get a long little doggy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Matthew & Amy -- A little late... sorry...
Valentines Day
Note to the guys:
I just love to do special things for my wife on
Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she
puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug
and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room
cleaning. Guys, it's these little thoughtful things
you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and
one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got
started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our
sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've
already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued
Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute
now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From fran -- BIBLE
A father was approached by his small son who told him
proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father
smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what
the Bible means? The little boy replied, "I really
do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So tell me son, what does
the Bible mean?
"Thats easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions
Before Leaving Earth.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CT: Churches in New Orleans
One of the local television stations in South
Louisiana actually aired an interview with a woman
from New Orleans.
The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate,
so she asked the interviewee how such total and
complete devastation of the churches in the area had
affected their lives.
The woman replied," I don't know about all those other
people, but we haven't gone to Church's in years. We
gets our chicken from Popeye's."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two blonde carpenters...
Two blondes with hammers, Sue and Tracey, were doing some carpentry work on a house.
Sue, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a
nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Tracey, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those
nails away?"
Sue explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head
on the wrong end; and I throw them away."
Tracey got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!"
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 27th
Thanks to JLH: Double DIPPIN' {the true meaning}
Sent: The day after her husband disappeared in a
kayaking accident, an Anchorage woman answered her
door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mrs. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your husband," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find him?" Mrs. Wilkens cried.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have
some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mrs. Wilkens said, "Give
me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, ma'am, but
this morning we found your husband's body in Kachemak
Bay."
"Oh!" exclaimed Mrs. Wilkens. Swallowing hard, she
asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled him up he had 2
twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness
crabs on him."
Stunned, Mrs. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good
news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull him up again
tomorrow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From my Bro.-in-law -- CEG: Church Bulletin Bloopers
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in
church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.
-------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us
kill Christ the King.
-----------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
-------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
-------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
-------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
-------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship ! that
began in their school days.
----------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
-------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
-------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
----------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with
the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket an! d
come prepared to sin.
-------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10
AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship
Hall after the B. S. is done.
-------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7
PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge--Up Yours"
Sent: The day after her husband disappeared in a
kayaking accident, an Anchorage woman answered her
door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mrs. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your husband," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find him?" Mrs. Wilkens cried.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have
some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mrs. Wilkens said, "Give
me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, ma'am, but
this morning we found your husband's body in Kachemak
Bay."
"Oh!" exclaimed Mrs. Wilkens. Swallowing hard, she
asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled him up he had 2
twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness
crabs on him."
Stunned, Mrs. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good
news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull him up again
tomorrow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From my Bro.-in-law -- CEG: Church Bulletin Bloopers
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in
church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.
-------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us
kill Christ the King.
-----------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
-------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
-------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
-------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
-------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship ! that
began in their school days.
----------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
-------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
-------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
----------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with
the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket an! d
come prepared to sin.
-------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10
AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship
Hall after the B. S. is done.
-------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7
PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge--Up Yours"
Sunday, February 26, 2006
hUMOR For Feb 26th
Wrong Advertising
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its
regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown
to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some
pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the
words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- PC gone stupid
Sometimes all you can do is sigh -- just another
example of the depth of ignorance and enthusiastic
willingness to believe without examination of our
student rebels without a clue.
This is from John Fund's poitical diary:
'Pappy' Shot Down by Campus Ignoramuses
It's well known that college students today aren't as
educated in our nation's history as they should be,
but it's still hard to grasp the mind-bending
political correctness just displayed by the University
of Washington's student senate at its campus in
Seattle.
The issue before the Senate this month was a proposed
memorial to World War II combat pilot Gregory "Pappy"
Boyington, a 1933 engineering graduate of the
university, who was awarded the Congressional Medal of
Honor for his service commanding the famed "Black
Sheep" squadron in the Pacific. The student senate
rejected the memorial because "a Marine" is not "an
example of the sort of person UW wants to produce."
Digging themselves in deeper, the student opponents of
the memorial indicated: "We don't need to honor any
more rich white males." Other opponents compared
Boyington's actions during World War II with murder.
"I am absolutely bewildered that the Student Senate
voted down the resolution," Brent Ludeman, the
president of the UW College Republicans, told me. He
noted that despite the deficiencies of the UW History
Department, the complete ignorance of Boyington's
history and reputation by the student body was hard to
fathom. After all, "Black Sheep Squadron," a 1970s
television show portraying Colonel Boyington's heroism
as a pilot and Japanese prisoner of war, still airs
frequently on the History Channel. Apparently, though,
it's an unusual UW student who'd be willing to learn
any U.S. History even if it's spoonfed to him by TV.
As for the sin of honoring a rich white male, Mr.
Ludeman points out that Boyington (who died in 1988)
was neither rich nor white. He happened to be a Sioux
Indian, who wound up raising his three children as a
single parent. "Colonel Boyington is luckily not
around to see how ignorant students at his alma mater
can be today," says Kirby Wilbur, a morning talk show
host at Seattle's KVI Radio. Perhaps the trustees and
alumni of the school will now help educate them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be
thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've
got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my
paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the
worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close. My traction is
not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It
takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate
burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it --
almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust
backfires!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Quotes Of Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
No man is good enough to govern another man without
that other's consent.
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of
them?
You have to do your own growing no matter how tall
your grandfather was.
Whatever you are, be a good one.
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to
test a man's character, give him power.
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a
strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here are some
ways to know if you're a true Alabamian...
1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Opelika,
Lafayette, Oneonta, and Eufaula.
2. You think people who complain about the heat in
their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in
the yard and look for a funnel.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is
not determined by the distance to the door, but by the
availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have
sacks and buggys.
6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an
accent.
8. You measure distance in minutes.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like
going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking
out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to
plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle
bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental,
ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.
15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy
Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.
16. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned
how to multiply.
18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to
send them to your friends.
Finally:
19. you are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this
conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr Pepper."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Coffee, No Cream"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
My Goober sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."
My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Motivation"
The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its
regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown
to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some
pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the
words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- PC gone stupid
Sometimes all you can do is sigh -- just another
example of the depth of ignorance and enthusiastic
willingness to believe without examination of our
student rebels without a clue.
This is from John Fund's poitical diary:
'Pappy' Shot Down by Campus Ignoramuses
It's well known that college students today aren't as
educated in our nation's history as they should be,
but it's still hard to grasp the mind-bending
political correctness just displayed by the University
of Washington's student senate at its campus in
Seattle.
The issue before the Senate this month was a proposed
memorial to World War II combat pilot Gregory "Pappy"
Boyington, a 1933 engineering graduate of the
university, who was awarded the Congressional Medal of
Honor for his service commanding the famed "Black
Sheep" squadron in the Pacific. The student senate
rejected the memorial because "a Marine" is not "an
example of the sort of person UW wants to produce."
Digging themselves in deeper, the student opponents of
the memorial indicated: "We don't need to honor any
more rich white males." Other opponents compared
Boyington's actions during World War II with murder.
"I am absolutely bewildered that the Student Senate
voted down the resolution," Brent Ludeman, the
president of the UW College Republicans, told me. He
noted that despite the deficiencies of the UW History
Department, the complete ignorance of Boyington's
history and reputation by the student body was hard to
fathom. After all, "Black Sheep Squadron," a 1970s
television show portraying Colonel Boyington's heroism
as a pilot and Japanese prisoner of war, still airs
frequently on the History Channel. Apparently, though,
it's an unusual UW student who'd be willing to learn
any U.S. History even if it's spoonfed to him by TV.
As for the sin of honoring a rich white male, Mr.
Ludeman points out that Boyington (who died in 1988)
was neither rich nor white. He happened to be a Sioux
Indian, who wound up raising his three children as a
single parent. "Colonel Boyington is luckily not
around to see how ignorant students at his alma mater
can be today," says Kirby Wilbur, a morning talk show
host at Seattle's KVI Radio. Perhaps the trustees and
alumni of the school will now help educate them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be
thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've
got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my
paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the
worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close. My traction is
not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It
takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate
burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it --
almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust
backfires!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Quotes Of Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
No man is good enough to govern another man without
that other's consent.
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of
them?
You have to do your own growing no matter how tall
your grandfather was.
Whatever you are, be a good one.
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to
test a man's character, give him power.
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a
strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here are some
ways to know if you're a true Alabamian...
1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Opelika,
Lafayette, Oneonta, and Eufaula.
2. You think people who complain about the heat in
their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in
the yard and look for a funnel.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is
not determined by the distance to the door, but by the
availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have
sacks and buggys.
6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an
accent.
8. You measure distance in minutes.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like
going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking
out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to
plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle
bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental,
ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.
15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy
Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.
16. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned
how to multiply.
18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to
send them to your friends.
Finally:
19. you are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this
conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr Pepper."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Coffee, No Cream"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
My Goober sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."
My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Motivation"
The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
Saturday, February 25, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 25th
Time To Go
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on
the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the
ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the
doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other
side."
- You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of
the milk carton.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your
mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an "open house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW... He's from TX, so he ought to know...
Press release
The Texas Parks and Wild Life Department issued a
statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no
law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the
week-end. The TPWD spokesman noted that in Texas,
lawyers are not considered game creatures and thus not
subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It
further noted that Lawyer hunting is encouraged as the
state is overrun with the pesky creatures.
A local food critic said that contrary to rumor,
lawyers do not taste like chicken but more like pole
cat since that is their nature.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were
alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?"
might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dog Owner's Prayer
O Lord don't let me once forget
how I love my trusty pet.
Help me learn to disregard
canine craters in my yard.
Show me how to be a buddy
even when my sofa's muddy.
Don't allow my pooch to munch
postal carriers for lunch.
Shield my neighbor's cat from view—
guide my steps around the doo.
Train me not to curse and scowl
when it's puppy's night to howl.
Grant I shan't awake in fear
with a cold nose in my ear.
Give me patience without end—
Help me be 'A Dog's Best Friend'!
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on
the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the
ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the
doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other
side."
- You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of
the milk carton.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your
mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an "open house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW... He's from TX, so he ought to know...
Press release
The Texas Parks and Wild Life Department issued a
statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no
law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the
week-end. The TPWD spokesman noted that in Texas,
lawyers are not considered game creatures and thus not
subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It
further noted that Lawyer hunting is encouraged as the
state is overrun with the pesky creatures.
A local food critic said that contrary to rumor,
lawyers do not taste like chicken but more like pole
cat since that is their nature.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were
alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?"
might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dog Owner's Prayer
O Lord don't let me once forget
how I love my trusty pet.
Help me learn to disregard
canine craters in my yard.
Show me how to be a buddy
even when my sofa's muddy.
Don't allow my pooch to munch
postal carriers for lunch.
Shield my neighbor's cat from view—
guide my steps around the doo.
Train me not to curse and scowl
when it's puppy's night to howl.
Grant I shan't awake in fear
with a cold nose in my ear.
Give me patience without end—
Help me be 'A Dog's Best Friend'!
Friday, February 24, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 24th
The Hokey Pokey (Shakespearean Style)
*The Hokey Pokey*
Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around
That's what it's all about.
*The Hokey Pokey*
Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Now, get your tongue in your cheek
and laugh...
THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2005:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[???????]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a
lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost
his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his
hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said,
handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the
hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Minnesota babes Jokes (more)
GEOGRAPHY
Two blondes living in Minnesota were sitting on a bench
talking........and one Minnesota babe says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida.......?????
CAR TROUBLE
A Minnesota babe pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a Minnesota babe for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this Minnesota babe out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another Minnesota babe on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second Minnesota babe looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the Minnesota babe behind
the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the Minnesota babe yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Minnesota babe were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Minnesota babe said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
To which the Minnesota babe replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A Minnesota babe was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE Minnesota babe JOKE TO END ALL Minnesota babe JOKES!
A girl was visiting her friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The Minnesota babe responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOOO," answered the Minnesota babe. "They're watch dogs!"
*The Hokey Pokey*
Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around
That's what it's all about.
*The Hokey Pokey*
Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Now, get your tongue in your cheek
and laugh...
THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2005:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[???????]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a
lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost
his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his
hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said,
handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the
hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Minnesota babes Jokes (more)
GEOGRAPHY
Two blondes living in Minnesota were sitting on a bench
talking........and one Minnesota babe says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida.......?????
CAR TROUBLE
A Minnesota babe pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a Minnesota babe for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this Minnesota babe out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another Minnesota babe on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second Minnesota babe looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the Minnesota babe behind
the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the Minnesota babe yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Minnesota babe were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Minnesota babe said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
To which the Minnesota babe replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A Minnesota babe was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE Minnesota babe JOKE TO END ALL Minnesota babe JOKES!
A girl was visiting her friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The Minnesota babe responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOOO," answered the Minnesota babe. "They're watch dogs!"
Thursday, February 23, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 23rd
Name Spelling
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The
teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to
spell their name out loud.
When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he
replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee."
"How do you spell that?" asked the teacher.
"My mother helps me," said the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Salt Lake vs. Denver"
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake. It's $99.00, but there is a stopover."
"Where?"
"In Denver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"If you are good, you will be assigned all the work - if you are really good, you will get out of it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Marriage Match"
Did you hear about the manicurist and dentist who got married?
They fought tooth and nail.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do
that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's
been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total
admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff.
It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't
let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3
minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new
information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test,
you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face and
joy in my heart.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a
natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them,
"can carry pieces of food five times their own weight.
What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have
a union."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Oldie, but a Goodie...
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from
Noah's Ark
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built
the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may
ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the
job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails
were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the
Titanic by professionals.
Eleven : No matter the storm, when you are with God,
there's always a rainbow waiting...Pass this along and
make someone else smile, too
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another one with a great
point!
Isn't this amazing?
TAXES
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer Registration Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
COMMENTS:
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our
nation was the most prosperous in the world, had
absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle
class in the world and only one parent had to work to
support the family.
What happened?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Banter "
A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet.
He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge.
Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The
teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to
spell their name out loud.
When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he
replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee."
"How do you spell that?" asked the teacher.
"My mother helps me," said the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Salt Lake vs. Denver"
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake. It's $99.00, but there is a stopover."
"Where?"
"In Denver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"If you are good, you will be assigned all the work - if you are really good, you will get out of it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Marriage Match"
Did you hear about the manicurist and dentist who got married?
They fought tooth and nail.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do
that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's
been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total
admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff.
It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't
let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3
minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new
information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test,
you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face and
joy in my heart.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a
natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them,
"can carry pieces of food five times their own weight.
What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have
a union."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Oldie, but a Goodie...
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from
Noah's Ark
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built
the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may
ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the
job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails
were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the
Titanic by professionals.
Eleven : No matter the storm, when you are with God,
there's always a rainbow waiting...Pass this along and
make someone else smile, too
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another one with a great
point!
Isn't this amazing?
TAXES
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer Registration Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
COMMENTS:
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our
nation was the most prosperous in the world, had
absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle
class in the world and only one parent had to work to
support the family.
What happened?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Banter "
A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet.
He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge.
Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
hUMOR For Feab. 22nd
Hospital Regulations"
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
Thanks to list member Michael Smith who wrote to let me know that Saturday's quote was by Sidney Goff.
Michael also passed along another quote he thought would be good for the list. Here it is:
"Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Generosity "
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
Thanks to list member Michael Smith who wrote to let me know that Saturday's quote was by Sidney Goff.
Michael also passed along another quote he thought would be good for the list. Here it is:
"Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Generosity "
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 21st
"Three Important Words"
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
Here's a way to keep the Cybersalt Digest free . . .
We all search the web!
Search with Google AND support Pastor Tim and the Cybersalt sites!
Please use the following page for all your searching on the internet.
http://www.cybersalt.org/search
Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh - "Three Important Words"
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
Today's Oneliner
"Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Dentures "
I went to the dentist with my uncle the other day. He needed needed new dentures. The dentist showed him some that only cost a dollar.
The dentist did want my uncle to understand, though, that they were buck teeth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a
natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can
carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do
you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a
union."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Real Estimating!
[]
Programmer at this retail chain gets an assignment to add some
functionality to four reporting applications. One change request is
to add passwords to one of the four applications -- but just one.
"Just doing one sounded suspicious to me," says the programmer. "So I
decided to code the password logic in a separate module for easy
reuse. I only had to add one line of code to the existing executable."
Fast-forward six months: The new versions are installed in a handful
of stores for beta testing before they'll roll out to 1,000 stores
nationwide. Programmer's boss drops by his cubicle to tell him that
the users like the password function, but they wanted it on all four
applications. How long would it take to add it to the other three?
He calculates: add one line of code, compile, do some testing. That's
maybe a few hours' work if everything goes as planned -- which it seldom does.
"Two days," he tells his boss.
She's skeptical. "Are you sure?" she says. "Let's say one week."
Programmer shrugs. Boss continues: "Three applications, one week
each, I'll tell them three weeks."
He tries to explain that he estimated two days for all three
applications. She's still skeptical, but after he assures her that
with code reuse he really can finish in two days, boss compromises:
She'll tell them it'll be done in one week.
"I went to lunch, came back and updated all three in about an hour,"
says the programmer. "The module worked great. I walked over to my
boss's office to tell her the news. She asked if I was sure it
worked. I assured her it did.
"She had already sent the estimate to her manager and, to be safe,
she told him two weeks. She asked me not to send it to QA for another
week. We didn't want to look too good.
"I had a chuckle and started working on something else. A couple of
hours later, she forwarded me a note from her manager to the business
client. He had padded it another week. I now had three weeks to
finish my already completed changes.
"I worked on other things for a week, recompiled them so the date was
recent, and got a big attaboy for finishing so promptly."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Banter "
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
Here's a way to keep the Cybersalt Digest free . . .
We all search the web!
Search with Google AND support Pastor Tim and the Cybersalt sites!
Please use the following page for all your searching on the internet.
http://www.cybersalt.org/search
Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh - "Three Important Words"
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
Today's Oneliner
"Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Dentures "
I went to the dentist with my uncle the other day. He needed needed new dentures. The dentist showed him some that only cost a dollar.
The dentist did want my uncle to understand, though, that they were buck teeth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a
natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can
carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do
you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a
union."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Real Estimating!
[]
Programmer at this retail chain gets an assignment to add some
functionality to four reporting applications. One change request is
to add passwords to one of the four applications -- but just one.
"Just doing one sounded suspicious to me," says the programmer. "So I
decided to code the password logic in a separate module for easy
reuse. I only had to add one line of code to the existing executable."
Fast-forward six months: The new versions are installed in a handful
of stores for beta testing before they'll roll out to 1,000 stores
nationwide. Programmer's boss drops by his cubicle to tell him that
the users like the password function, but they wanted it on all four
applications. How long would it take to add it to the other three?
He calculates: add one line of code, compile, do some testing. That's
maybe a few hours' work if everything goes as planned -- which it seldom does.
"Two days," he tells his boss.
She's skeptical. "Are you sure?" she says. "Let's say one week."
Programmer shrugs. Boss continues: "Three applications, one week
each, I'll tell them three weeks."
He tries to explain that he estimated two days for all three
applications. She's still skeptical, but after he assures her that
with code reuse he really can finish in two days, boss compromises:
She'll tell them it'll be done in one week.
"I went to lunch, came back and updated all three in about an hour,"
says the programmer. "The module worked great. I walked over to my
boss's office to tell her the news. She asked if I was sure it
worked. I assured her it did.
"She had already sent the estimate to her manager and, to be safe,
she told him two weeks. She asked me not to send it to QA for another
week. We didn't want to look too good.
"I had a chuckle and started working on something else. A couple of
hours later, she forwarded me a note from her manager to the business
client. He had padded it another week. I now had three weeks to
finish my already completed changes.
"I worked on other things for a week, recompiled them so the date was
recent, and got a big attaboy for finishing so promptly."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Banter "
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
Monday, February 20, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 20th
"Couple Descriptions"
Even mismatched couples may described kindly.
1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.
2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.
3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.
4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot air.
5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.
6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of problems.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If may have sent this before I can’t remember.
An Old Farmer's Advice :
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be more realistic instead.
Now A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there're bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.
"Did god make you?", she asked.
"yes" he answered.
"did god makeme, to?" she wondered.
"yes", he replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation.the bald guy says he cant afford it.so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares.(hairs)
Even mismatched couples may described kindly.
1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.
2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.
3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.
4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot air.
5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.
6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of problems.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If may have sent this before I can’t remember.
An Old Farmer's Advice :
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be more realistic instead.
Now A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there're bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.
"Did god make you?", she asked.
"yes" he answered.
"did god makeme, to?" she wondered.
"yes", he replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation.the bald guy says he cant afford it.so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares.(hairs)
Sunday, February 19, 2006
FhUMOR For Feb. 19th
"Chewed Out"
My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"
"Not a bit," I replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miracle Cure?
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of
arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady,
almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,
amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her
head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this
rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You
walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
"Gave me a longer cane."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Appearances "
On Houston Street, a young priest saw a large sign over a hardware store: PINCUS AND O'TOOLE, and went in, to be greeted by man with a beard and yarmulkah.
The priest smiled, "I just wanted to come in and tell you how wonderful it is to see that your people and mine have become such good friends - even partners. That's a surprise!"
"I've got a bigger surprise", sighed the old man. "I'm O'Toole."
My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"
"Not a bit," I replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miracle Cure?
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of
arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady,
almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,
amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her
head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this
rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You
walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
"Gave me a longer cane."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Appearances "
On Houston Street, a young priest saw a large sign over a hardware store: PINCUS AND O'TOOLE, and went in, to be greeted by man with a beard and yarmulkah.
The priest smiled, "I just wanted to come in and tell you how wonderful it is to see that your people and mine have become such good friends - even partners. That's a surprise!"
"I've got a bigger surprise", sighed the old man. "I'm O'Toole."
Saturday, February 18, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 18
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Some Great Malapropisms..."
"I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder."
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...."
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
"If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave."
"You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Putting"
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," he replied.
"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Danny was in the digging spot filling in a hole when his Thelma Hoch came over and watch for a moment. Interested in what the cheeky-faced boy was doing, she politely asked, "What are you doing there, Danny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Danny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The Mrs. Hoch was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Lucy patted down the last shovel-full of dirt and replied, "I needed a big hole because my fish is inside your cat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother,
but Bert felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring
chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in
the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you
know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring
ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you
want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up
and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Old Farmer's Advice :
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
"Some Great Malapropisms..."
"I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder."
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...."
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
"If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave."
"You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Putting"
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," he replied.
"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Danny was in the digging spot filling in a hole when his Thelma Hoch came over and watch for a moment. Interested in what the cheeky-faced boy was doing, she politely asked, "What are you doing there, Danny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Danny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The Mrs. Hoch was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Lucy patted down the last shovel-full of dirt and replied, "I needed a big hole because my fish is inside your cat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother,
but Bert felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring
chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in
the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you
know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring
ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you
want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up
and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Old Farmer's Advice :
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Friday, February 17, 2006
hUMOR For Feb 17th
Big White Circles
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white
circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look
like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in
line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a
toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Message Break"
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The best time to make friends is before you need them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dying"
The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one
requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at
6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant
yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four
miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge,
"we should reach the starting point any minute now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buy Me a Mink?
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on
one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white
circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look
like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in
line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a
toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Message Break"
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The best time to make friends is before you need them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dying"
The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one
requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at
6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant
yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four
miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge,
"we should reach the starting point any minute now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buy Me a Mink?
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on
one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
hUMOR For Feb 17th
Big White Circles
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white
circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look
like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in
line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a
toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Message Break"
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The best time to make friends is before you need them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dying"
The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one
requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at
6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant
yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four
miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge,
"we should reach the starting point any minute now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buy Me a Mink?
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on
one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white
circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look
like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in
line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a
toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Message Break"
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The best time to make friends is before you need them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dying"
The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one
requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at
6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant
yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four
miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge,
"we should reach the starting point any minute now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buy Me a Mink?
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on
one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 16th
Jack's Will
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads
Jack's last will and testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one
million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the
Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my
brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than
wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cub Reporter"
The newspaper editor was instructing the cub reporter in important details of his calling. "Never state as a fact anything you are not absolutely sure about," said the editor. "To avoid putting the paper in the position of stating something which it may not be able to prove, you should always use the words 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on, unless you know positively that everything is true as stated.
The cub was sent out to get society items, and soon thereafter the following paragraph appeared in the society column:
"It is rumored that a bridge party was given yesterday by a number of reputed ladies. Mrs. Smith, it is said, was hostess. The guests, it is alleged, with the exception of Mrs. Brown, who says that she comes from illinois, were all local people. Mrs. Smith claims to be the wife of Alexander Smith, who is rumored to be doing a thriving business in town."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Magician's School "
I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam.
They were all trick questions.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.
An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr. Bell
and his assistant, a man named Watson, have been hard at
work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound over wires.
As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, he
suddenly hears ... ring, ring, ring .... then....
"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long
distance service?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Disappearing Husband"
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Big White Circles
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white
circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look
like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in
line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a
toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads
Jack's last will and testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one
million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the
Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my
brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than
wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cub Reporter"
The newspaper editor was instructing the cub reporter in important details of his calling. "Never state as a fact anything you are not absolutely sure about," said the editor. "To avoid putting the paper in the position of stating something which it may not be able to prove, you should always use the words 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on, unless you know positively that everything is true as stated.
The cub was sent out to get society items, and soon thereafter the following paragraph appeared in the society column:
"It is rumored that a bridge party was given yesterday by a number of reputed ladies. Mrs. Smith, it is said, was hostess. The guests, it is alleged, with the exception of Mrs. Brown, who says that she comes from illinois, were all local people. Mrs. Smith claims to be the wife of Alexander Smith, who is rumored to be doing a thriving business in town."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Magician's School "
I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam.
They were all trick questions.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.
An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr. Bell
and his assistant, a man named Watson, have been hard at
work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound over wires.
As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, he
suddenly hears ... ring, ring, ring .... then....
"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long
distance service?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Disappearing Husband"
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Big White Circles
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white
circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look
like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in
line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a
toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 15th
What NOT To Give Her For Valentines Day
1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide
the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.
4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
6. A gift certificate.
7. Cash.
8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on
the way over, even if you didn't.
9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"If You Love Someone"
Pessimist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... if she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, as expected, she never was
Optimist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back soon forget her.
Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love someone, Set her free ... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
Bill Gates:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Statisticians:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone, Set her free ... SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over possessive person:
If you love someone don't set her free.
HR specialist:
If you love someone set her free by offering her VRS and other benefits then outsource her.
MBA:
If you love someone set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously.
Psychologist:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come back her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
ERP functional expert:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back, map her into your system. If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis.
Finance expert:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back its time to look at fresh loans. If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Expert:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back that's brand loyalty.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The highest type of heroism is not the courage and nerve of the warrior facing the foe, but the courage to face the daily issues of life, opposing wrong and upholding right."
- Roswell C. Long
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration - "Leadership "
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke
up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a
pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it
means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and
gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled "The
meaning of dreams."
-=+=-
Note to the guys:
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's
day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the
laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the
vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it's
these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage
such as mine.
1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide
the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.
4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
6. A gift certificate.
7. Cash.
8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on
the way over, even if you didn't.
9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"If You Love Someone"
Pessimist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... if she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, as expected, she never was
Optimist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back soon forget her.
Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love someone, Set her free ... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
Bill Gates:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Statisticians:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone, Set her free ... SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over possessive person:
If you love someone don't set her free.
HR specialist:
If you love someone set her free by offering her VRS and other benefits then outsource her.
MBA:
If you love someone set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously.
Psychologist:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come back her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
ERP functional expert:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back, map her into your system. If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis.
Finance expert:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back its time to look at fresh loans. If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Expert:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back that's brand loyalty.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The highest type of heroism is not the courage and nerve of the warrior facing the foe, but the courage to face the daily issues of life, opposing wrong and upholding right."
- Roswell C. Long
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration - "Leadership "
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke
up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a
pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it
means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and
gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled "The
meaning of dreams."
-=+=-
Note to the guys:
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's
day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the
laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the
vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it's
these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage
such as mine.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 14th
"Collectable Receipts"
An woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.
So the police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady annoyed at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?"
"Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, ma'am!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What men don't get.
Valentine's day is a test.
Women have been studying for years. We even have study
groups.
Men should study. . .
1. Listen when the significant other mentions that her
friends got flowers at work . . . did she look wishful?
2. She is watching TV . . . a jewelry ad comes on . . . did
she look wishful--did she say she liked whatever they were
selling?
3. When the catalogs came in, did she happen to mention
something she liked? Did you actually show interest to see
what it was?
4. Does she like chocolate and gushy cards? Does she get
teary-eyed at Hallmark commercials?
The majority of women will give you the answers to the test
if you study. Hint: Pay attention!
But guys, don't worry if you fail; you have all year to take
the make-up test!
Received from Janet Crews.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GAMES FOR OLDER SIBLINGS:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions sh outed into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
GAMES FOR OLDER SIBLINGS:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions sh outed into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you
get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is
in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of
1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled
Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2006.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity
on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond
to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane,
Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I
would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely
state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Broken Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first -- the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to
me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting
the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will eventually walk again, but I will always have a limp.
An woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.
So the police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady annoyed at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?"
"Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, ma'am!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What men don't get.
Valentine's day is a test.
Women have been studying for years. We even have study
groups.
Men should study. . .
1. Listen when the significant other mentions that her
friends got flowers at work . . . did she look wishful?
2. She is watching TV . . . a jewelry ad comes on . . . did
she look wishful--did she say she liked whatever they were
selling?
3. When the catalogs came in, did she happen to mention
something she liked? Did you actually show interest to see
what it was?
4. Does she like chocolate and gushy cards? Does she get
teary-eyed at Hallmark commercials?
The majority of women will give you the answers to the test
if you study. Hint: Pay attention!
But guys, don't worry if you fail; you have all year to take
the make-up test!
Received from Janet Crews.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GAMES FOR OLDER SIBLINGS:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions sh outed into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
GAMES FOR OLDER SIBLINGS:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions sh outed into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you
get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is
in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of
1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled
Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2006.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity
on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond
to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane,
Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I
would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely
state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Broken Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first -- the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to
me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting
the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will eventually walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Monday, February 13, 2006
hUMOR For Feb 13th
"Collectable Receipts"
An woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.
So the police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady annoyed at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?"
"Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, ma'am!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What men don't get.
Valentine's day is a test.
Women have been studying for years. We even have study
groups.
Men should study. . .
1. Listen when the significant other mentions that her
friends got flowers at work . . . did she look wishful?
2. She is watching TV . . . a jewelry ad comes on . . . did
she look wishful--did she say she liked whatever they were
selling?
3. When the catalogs came in, did she happen to mention
something she liked? Did you actually show interest to see
what it was?
4. Does she like chocolate and gushy cards? Does she get
teary-eyed at Hallmark commercials?
The majority of women will give you the answers to the test
if you study. Hint: Pay attention!
But guys, don't worry if you fail; you have all year to take
the make-up test!
Received from Janet Crews.
An woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.
So the police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady annoyed at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?"
"Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, ma'am!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What men don't get.
Valentine's day is a test.
Women have been studying for years. We even have study
groups.
Men should study. . .
1. Listen when the significant other mentions that her
friends got flowers at work . . . did she look wishful?
2. She is watching TV . . . a jewelry ad comes on . . . did
she look wishful--did she say she liked whatever they were
selling?
3. When the catalogs came in, did she happen to mention
something she liked? Did you actually show interest to see
what it was?
4. Does she like chocolate and gushy cards? Does she get
teary-eyed at Hallmark commercials?
The majority of women will give you the answers to the test
if you study. Hint: Pay attention!
But guys, don't worry if you fail; you have all year to take
the make-up test!
Received from Janet Crews.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
hUMOR For 2-12-06
New School Term
The start of the new school term always brings out the most
interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The
predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and
how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office
yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working. His attempts to
get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him
where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign advertising the concert said, 'begins@7:30PM'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Country Preacher
There's a story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son and it was getting time that the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey. Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up."
He analyzed the situation ...
If he picks up the Bible, I'll know he's gonna be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, I'll know he's gonna be a businessman and that would be okay too.
But if he picks up the bottle, I'll know he's gonna be a drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man was anxious as he waited and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious look in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink as the old preacher looked on in horror ......
"Lord have mercy," the old man cried, "He's gonna be a Democrat politician!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet
that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. We
followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific
and thought the diet was wonderful -- we never even felt
hungry!
But soon we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it.
Checking the recipes again, we found it. There, in fine
print, was: "Serves 6."
The start of the new school term always brings out the most
interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The
predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and
how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office
yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working. His attempts to
get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him
where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign advertising the concert said, 'begins@7:30PM'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Country Preacher
There's a story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son and it was getting time that the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey. Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up."
He analyzed the situation ...
If he picks up the Bible, I'll know he's gonna be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, I'll know he's gonna be a businessman and that would be okay too.
But if he picks up the bottle, I'll know he's gonna be a drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man was anxious as he waited and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious look in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink as the old preacher looked on in horror ......
"Lord have mercy," the old man cried, "He's gonna be a Democrat politician!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet
that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. We
followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific
and thought the diet was wonderful -- we never even felt
hungry!
But soon we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it.
Checking the recipes again, we found it. There, in fine
print, was: "Serves 6."
Saturday, February 11, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 11th
NMF...
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates
would go up.
"Our underwriting department determines that", I replied. Then I
asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I said,
"NMF? Is that 'N' as in Nancy, 'M' as in Mary, and 'F' as in Frank?"
"Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters
that it's also 'N' as in Not, 'M' as in My, and 'F' as in fault?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Noise Abatement"
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Visa is everywhere you want to be except out of debt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tomb Visit"
"I refuse to visit Marx's tomb because it's all just a communist plot."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The
pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm
reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was
obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've
been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have
some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more
faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those
white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head
with the cane," He said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more
faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"In Heaven "
It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment. We can sympathize with the chap who met an old friend after many years.
"How is your wife?"
"She is in heaven," replied the friend.
"Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap. Then he realized this was not the thing to say.
"I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad."
That seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm surprised."
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates
would go up.
"Our underwriting department determines that", I replied. Then I
asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I said,
"NMF? Is that 'N' as in Nancy, 'M' as in Mary, and 'F' as in Frank?"
"Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters
that it's also 'N' as in Not, 'M' as in My, and 'F' as in fault?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Noise Abatement"
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Visa is everywhere you want to be except out of debt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tomb Visit"
"I refuse to visit Marx's tomb because it's all just a communist plot."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The
pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm
reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was
obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've
been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have
some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more
faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those
white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head
with the cane," He said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more
faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"In Heaven "
It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment. We can sympathize with the chap who met an old friend after many years.
"How is your wife?"
"She is in heaven," replied the friend.
"Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap. Then he realized this was not the thing to say.
"I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad."
That seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm surprised."
Friday, February 10, 2006
hUMOR For Feab. 10th
Lunch and Learn
The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and
Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime. These seminars deal
with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar
lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial
approval to attend. So, last week, this flier came around:
LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager's permission before attending)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better
days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over
again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile,
announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's
after seven o'clock!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Some things to think about
We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the
sails.
There is nothing noble in being superior to someone
else; the only real nobility is in being superior to
your former self.
Education is what you get when you read the fine
print, experience is what you get if you don't.
Some think it's holding on that makes one strong,
some time it is better to let go
Worry is the misuse of imagination.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Why, Oh Why, Oh Why?
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we
know the batteries are getting weak?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"
when they know there is not enough?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are
four billion stars, but check when you say the paint
is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by
lethal injection?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but
ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10. Why are there still apes, if people evolved from
apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath
you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have
materialized?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: JUST CURIOUS
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how
old would you be if you let go?"
THE TITHING
A little boy in church for the first time watched as
the ushers passed around the offering plates. When
they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't
pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
THE BLESSING
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell
me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a
good cook!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Catholics in Las Vegas
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living
in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches
there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers
at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than
cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips
from so many different casinos, the churches have
devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a
nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the
chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed
in.
This is done by the chip monks.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SOUTHERN WOMEN
Southern woman appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.
Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond
expressions:
"Y'all comeback!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and
August:
Summer tans
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their
hearts:
Fried GreenTomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
NASCAR
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with mom's homemade
jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with
Southern charm:
Charleston (Chawl'stn)
Savannah (S'vanah)
New Orleans (N'awlins)
Atlanta(Addlanna)
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends
are fahevah!
Now.......Shugah, send this to some girls who were
raised in the South or wish they had been!
If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your heart,
fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could!
The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and
Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime. These seminars deal
with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar
lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial
approval to attend. So, last week, this flier came around:
LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager's permission before attending)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better
days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over
again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile,
announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's
after seven o'clock!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Some things to think about
We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the
sails.
There is nothing noble in being superior to someone
else; the only real nobility is in being superior to
your former self.
Education is what you get when you read the fine
print, experience is what you get if you don't.
Some think it's holding on that makes one strong,
some time it is better to let go
Worry is the misuse of imagination.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Why, Oh Why, Oh Why?
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we
know the batteries are getting weak?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"
when they know there is not enough?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are
four billion stars, but check when you say the paint
is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by
lethal injection?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but
ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10. Why are there still apes, if people evolved from
apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath
you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have
materialized?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: JUST CURIOUS
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how
old would you be if you let go?"
THE TITHING
A little boy in church for the first time watched as
the ushers passed around the offering plates. When
they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't
pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
THE BLESSING
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell
me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a
good cook!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Catholics in Las Vegas
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living
in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches
there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers
at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than
cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips
from so many different casinos, the churches have
devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a
nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the
chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed
in.
This is done by the chip monks.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SOUTHERN WOMEN
Southern woman appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.
Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond
expressions:
"Y'all comeback!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and
August:
Summer tans
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their
hearts:
Fried GreenTomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
NASCAR
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with mom's homemade
jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with
Southern charm:
Charleston (Chawl'stn)
Savannah (S'vanah)
New Orleans (N'awlins)
Atlanta(Addlanna)
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends
are fahevah!
Now.......Shugah, send this to some girls who were
raised in the South or wish they had been!
If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your heart,
fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 9th
Batman
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his
new girlfriend, Dorothy.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said
that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place. She laughed
and said "It is, too. It's where Batman lives".
I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was
serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you
think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's because he
doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Jury Duty"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
FACT: Spyware and Adware programs on the Internet
can infect your PC.
Here are 9 warning signs that indicate
your computer is most likely infected:
http://www.cybersalt.net/rdnuker.htm
Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh - "Jury Duty"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Today's Oneliner
"Philosophers always arrive at the same conclusion: I don't know."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Animal Bites"
The African chieftain was so merciful that, when he ascended to power, he forbade the killing of all animals. Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on humans.
Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives. The terrified populace petitioned their leader to rescind his edict, but he refused: thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the chief.
Not only was the revolt successful, it went down in history as the first time in the memory of mankind that a reign was called on account of game.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders
the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served
in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches
for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over,
describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking
Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Can You Figure these Out???
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose
between three rooms. The first is full of raging
fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded
guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him
under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs
him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and
enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it,
and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using
the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how
quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it.
It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong
with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is
unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you
still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it
a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any
coaching!
ANSWERS:
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years
are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of
her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
5. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in
the English language, does not appear once in the long
paragraph
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Secret Thoughts of Doctors
What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of
right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to
Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable
that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is
hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see
if you've paid your last bill before spending any more
time with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The
good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it
will grow into something that can be cured.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the
week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste
of time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for
another office visit.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a
forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a
paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." --
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by
itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm
going to throw up.
"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients
bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" --
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you
here?
"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped
me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I
can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure
out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve
this one.
"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the
third one this week! I'd better learn something about
this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
-- I've never heard of anything so disgusting.
Thankfully I'm off next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his
new girlfriend, Dorothy.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said
that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place. She laughed
and said "It is, too. It's where Batman lives".
I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was
serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you
think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's because he
doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Jury Duty"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
FACT: Spyware and Adware programs on the Internet
can infect your PC.
Here are 9 warning signs that indicate
your computer is most likely infected:
http://www.cybersalt.net/rdnuker.htm
Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh - "Jury Duty"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Today's Oneliner
"Philosophers always arrive at the same conclusion: I don't know."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Animal Bites"
The African chieftain was so merciful that, when he ascended to power, he forbade the killing of all animals. Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on humans.
Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives. The terrified populace petitioned their leader to rescind his edict, but he refused: thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the chief.
Not only was the revolt successful, it went down in history as the first time in the memory of mankind that a reign was called on account of game.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders
the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served
in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches
for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over,
describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking
Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Can You Figure these Out???
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose
between three rooms. The first is full of raging
fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded
guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him
under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs
him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and
enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it,
and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using
the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how
quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it.
It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong
with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is
unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you
still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it
a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any
coaching!
ANSWERS:
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years
are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of
her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
5. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in
the English language, does not appear once in the long
paragraph
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Secret Thoughts of Doctors
What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of
right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to
Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable
that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is
hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see
if you've paid your last bill before spending any more
time with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The
good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it
will grow into something that can be cured.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the
week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste
of time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for
another office visit.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a
forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a
paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." --
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by
itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm
going to throw up.
"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients
bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" --
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you
here?
"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped
me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I
can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure
out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve
this one.
"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the
third one this week! I'd better learn something about
this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
-- I've never heard of anything so disgusting.
Thankfully I'm off next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.
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