In the year 1981,
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope John Paul II was shot.
In the year 2005,
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The Pope died.
Lesson learned? The next time Charles gets married, someone
warn the Pope!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous
2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place
any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to
school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
[She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.]
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.] "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." [Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.]
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" [Then the kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much! ]
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all
of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they
all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff
inside there."
[Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Five Myths About Lawyers
As an alumnus of Yale Law School who spent less time practicing law
than studying it, I take great pleasure in offering unrequested
advice to people contemplating a career in law. Here are five myths
about legal education and practice.
Myth #1: A legal education is a great means to embark on any of a
variety of non-legal careers.
Absolutely true. If studying law doesn't get you to embark on a
non-legal career, then nothing will.
Myth #2: Legal thought is intellectually rigorous.
Also true. Law students have been known to spend days debating
whether an italicized comma differs in appearance from a normal
comma, and which comma should be employed when citing sections of the
United Hairstylists Personal Hygiene Code. As a lawyer might say,
"that's not just rigor, that's rigor mortis." (i.e., "that's some
deadly serious Latin rigor.")
Myth # 3: Life as a high-powered attorney at a big New York firm is
exciting and glamorous.
This is entirely true, if:
1) You laugh uncontrollably when your great uncle Larry does his
impersonation of Dwight Eisenhower eating potato salad;
2) Your adrenalin flows when you spot a typographical error in the
want ads of the Guilford Post-Gazette; or
3) Your bedroom wall features a large framed photograph of you
shaking hands with Home Depot's Vice President in Charge of Shower
Curtain Inventory because it's a moment you wish to cherish forever.
Myth #4: Most national leaders went to law school, so if you go to
law school, you will probably become a national leader.
If you subscribe to this myth, there are a few things you should
know. First, you will bomb the LSAT so completely that your driver's
license will be revoked. Second, there are other ways to become a
national leader. You could make a billion dollars playing Internet
poker, for example. Or you could get married to Renee Zellweger and
three days later have the vows annulled. Or you could write a
self-help book entitled "Reorganizing the FEMA Within." Remember that
this is America and ergo ("ergo" is Latin for "out of the pale, pale
blue") leadership is as close as the next episode of "The Apprentice."
Myth #5: Being a lawyer brings with it vast wealth.
The accessibility of big money is undeniable. Let's say you are a
first-year associate in New York. Your parents tell all their
friends, who experience such acute boredom that they drift away from
the conversation to watch their cuticles age. But that is beside the
point. The point is that you make about $125K a year. You work the
standard 120 hours a week (and bill clients for at least twice that),
so your job is equivalent to three jobs of 40 hours a week that each
pay you $41,667 per year. Given your high tax bracket and the vodka
martinis you feel compelled to buy for friends who are "artists"
living off trust funds they never mention, you probably come away
dead even with someone working normal hours at $29,000 per year.
Namely the guy who conducts Jell-O salad taste tests for a nursing-home chain.
Ah, you say, but here's the rub: Whereas the Jell-O taster may never
make anything of himself, you will one day become partner. Yes,
partner! When that big ship docks at your port, you will have
permission to use the partner-only bathroom, first pick of the firm's
Shea Stadium seats right behind the visitors' dugout, and oodles and
oodles of cash. You will stuff your mattress so full with Krugerrands
that you will sleep with your face squished against the ceiling. Even
after making payment on your two alimonies, three mortgages, and
endless pharmacy bills for anti-depressants, you will have enough
left over each month to buy two decaf triple grande mocha eggnog lattes.
But the question is: Will you be happy? And the answer is simple: Not
if they're decaf.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 30th
Thanks to Marti -- Pots
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung
on the ends of a pole which she carried across her
neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot
was perfect and always delivered a full portion of
water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the
house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the
woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its
accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half
of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter
failure,it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side
causes water to leak out all the way back to your
house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are
flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other
pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, so
I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and
every day while we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these
beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you
being just the way you are, there would not be this
beauty to grace the house." Each of us has our own
unique flaw.
But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make
our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are
and look for the good in them.
SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day
and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the
path.
Of all the blessings the Lord sends us.... Friendship
must be His favorite.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Shot...
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy,
about six years old. Something of his had found its
way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions:
a baseball and a broken window sporting a
baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got
in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window,
and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must
have thrown it right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sunday Complaints"
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From WS: Yogi-isms (Quotes of Yogi Berra)
"If I didn't wake up I'd still be sleeping."
"I usually take a two hour nap from 1 to 4."
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
"It gets late early out here."
"90% of the game is half mental."
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they
won't go to
yours."
"Steve McQueen looks good in this movie. He must have
made it before he died."
"I'm as red as a sheet."
"I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of
answering that question."
"Pair up in threes."
"Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until
it was broken."
"Don't get me right, I'm just asking!"
"Never answer an anonymous letter."
"You can observe a lot by watching."
"It's not too far, it just seems like it is."
"You've got to be careful if you don't know where
you're going
'cause you might not get there."
"We have a good time together, even when we're not
together."
"Little League baseball is a good thing 'cause it
keeps the parents off the streets and it keeps the
kids out of the house!"
"The future ain't what it use to be."
"It ain't over till it's over."
"I really didn't say everything I said."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Left vs Right
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber
replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week"
The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next
morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank
you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his
door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry,
I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community
service this week."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning
when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he
goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm
sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week."
The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next
morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank
you card and a dozen different books such as "How to
Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More
Successful."
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he
goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm
sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week."
The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The
next morning when the barber goes to open up, there
are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free
haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental
difference between the left and the right.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: The Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a
snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So....you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to
drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his
head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the
cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are evil. Don't mess with
them!
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung
on the ends of a pole which she carried across her
neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot
was perfect and always delivered a full portion of
water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the
house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the
woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its
accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half
of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter
failure,it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side
causes water to leak out all the way back to your
house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are
flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other
pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, so
I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and
every day while we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these
beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you
being just the way you are, there would not be this
beauty to grace the house." Each of us has our own
unique flaw.
But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make
our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are
and look for the good in them.
SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day
and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the
path.
Of all the blessings the Lord sends us.... Friendship
must be His favorite.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Shot...
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy,
about six years old. Something of his had found its
way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions:
a baseball and a broken window sporting a
baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got
in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window,
and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must
have thrown it right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sunday Complaints"
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From WS: Yogi-isms (Quotes of Yogi Berra)
"If I didn't wake up I'd still be sleeping."
"I usually take a two hour nap from 1 to 4."
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
"It gets late early out here."
"90% of the game is half mental."
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they
won't go to
yours."
"Steve McQueen looks good in this movie. He must have
made it before he died."
"I'm as red as a sheet."
"I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of
answering that question."
"Pair up in threes."
"Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until
it was broken."
"Don't get me right, I'm just asking!"
"Never answer an anonymous letter."
"You can observe a lot by watching."
"It's not too far, it just seems like it is."
"You've got to be careful if you don't know where
you're going
'cause you might not get there."
"We have a good time together, even when we're not
together."
"Little League baseball is a good thing 'cause it
keeps the parents off the streets and it keeps the
kids out of the house!"
"The future ain't what it use to be."
"It ain't over till it's over."
"I really didn't say everything I said."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Left vs Right
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber
replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week"
The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next
morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank
you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his
door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry,
I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community
service this week."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning
when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he
goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm
sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week."
The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next
morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank
you card and a dozen different books such as "How to
Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More
Successful."
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he
goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm
sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week."
The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The
next morning when the barber goes to open up, there
are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free
haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental
difference between the left and the right.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: The Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a
snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So....you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to
drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his
head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the
cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are evil. Don't mess with
them!
Sunday, January 29, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 29th
Retired Life
Sound like anybody you know?????
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the
couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything
done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called
Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal
attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who
enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the
basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of
their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back
to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss
work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Blonde View of Football
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first
football Game. They had great seats right behind their
team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied," especially the
cute guys with all the big muscles; but I just
couldn't understand why they were killing each other
over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and
then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming
was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
Helloooo? It's only 25 cents!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- The One Dollar Bill
Take out a one dollar bill. The one dollar bill you're
looking at first came off the presses in 1957 in its
present design. This so-called paper money is in fact
a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue minute
silk fibers running through it. It is actually
material.
We've all washed it without it falling apart. A
special blend of ink is used, the contents we will
never know.
It is overprinted with symbols and then it is starched
to make it water resistant and pressed to give it that
nice crisp look.
If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the
United States Treasury Seal.
On the top you will see the scales for a balanced
budget.
In the center you have a carpenter's square, a tool
used for an even cut.
Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury.
That's all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on
the back of that dollar bill is something we should
all know.
If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles.
Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the
United States.
The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin
Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal.
It took them four years to accomplish this task and
another two years to get it approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a
Pyramid.
Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is
dark. This country was just beginning. We had not
begun to explore the West or decided what we could do
for Western Civilization.
The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were
not even close to being finished.
Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an
ancient symbol for divinity.
It was Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it
alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could
do anything.
"IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above
the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored
our undertaking."
The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM,
means, "A new order has begun."
At the base of the pyramid is the Roman numeral for
1776.
If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it
carefully, you will learn that it is on every National
Cemetery in the United States.
It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the
Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery, and is the
centerpiece of most heroes' monuments.
Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of
the United States, and it is always visible whenever
he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols
mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory
for two reasons:
First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and
he is smart enough to soar above it.
Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just
broken from the King of England. Also, notice the
shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on
its own. At the top of that shield you have a white
bar signifying congress, a unifying factor.
We were coming together as one nation.
In the Eagle's beak you will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM",
meaning, "one nation from many people."
Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing
the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of
misunderstanding rolling away.
Again, we were coming together as one.
Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an
olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but
we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace.
The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but
in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number.
This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually
never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels
with a 13th floor.
But think a bout this:
13 original colonies,
13 signers of the Declaration of Independence,
13 stripes on our flag,
13 steps on the Pyramid,
13 letters in the Latin above,
13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum,"
13 stars above the Eagle,
13 bars on that shield,
13 leaves on the olive branch,
13 fruits, and if you look closely,
13 arrows.
And, for the protection of minorities: the 13th
Amendment
I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your
children don't know this, and their history teachers
don't know this.
Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let
the meaning fade.
Many veterans remember coming home to an America that
didn't care.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
School Daze
It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me
to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again.
After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy
remained on the bus.
Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back
through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if
any of the houses or people
looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his
head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.
After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the
school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the
bus and started walking away.
"Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live."
"I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street.
"I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Finish Paving"
While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied, "One."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Growing Up
"It is unfortunate that, as we grow up, nature robs us of the knowledge of what youngsters are always giggling about."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Conclusions and Impressions"
Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.
The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.
Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.
Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"
Sound like anybody you know?????
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the
couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything
done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called
Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal
attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who
enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the
basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of
their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back
to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss
work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Blonde View of Football
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first
football Game. They had great seats right behind their
team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied," especially the
cute guys with all the big muscles; but I just
couldn't understand why they were killing each other
over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and
then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming
was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
Helloooo? It's only 25 cents!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- The One Dollar Bill
Take out a one dollar bill. The one dollar bill you're
looking at first came off the presses in 1957 in its
present design. This so-called paper money is in fact
a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue minute
silk fibers running through it. It is actually
material.
We've all washed it without it falling apart. A
special blend of ink is used, the contents we will
never know.
It is overprinted with symbols and then it is starched
to make it water resistant and pressed to give it that
nice crisp look.
If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the
United States Treasury Seal.
On the top you will see the scales for a balanced
budget.
In the center you have a carpenter's square, a tool
used for an even cut.
Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury.
That's all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on
the back of that dollar bill is something we should
all know.
If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles.
Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the
United States.
The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin
Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal.
It took them four years to accomplish this task and
another two years to get it approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a
Pyramid.
Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is
dark. This country was just beginning. We had not
begun to explore the West or decided what we could do
for Western Civilization.
The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were
not even close to being finished.
Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an
ancient symbol for divinity.
It was Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it
alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could
do anything.
"IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above
the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored
our undertaking."
The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM,
means, "A new order has begun."
At the base of the pyramid is the Roman numeral for
1776.
If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it
carefully, you will learn that it is on every National
Cemetery in the United States.
It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the
Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery, and is the
centerpiece of most heroes' monuments.
Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of
the United States, and it is always visible whenever
he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols
mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory
for two reasons:
First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and
he is smart enough to soar above it.
Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just
broken from the King of England. Also, notice the
shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on
its own. At the top of that shield you have a white
bar signifying congress, a unifying factor.
We were coming together as one nation.
In the Eagle's beak you will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM",
meaning, "one nation from many people."
Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing
the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of
misunderstanding rolling away.
Again, we were coming together as one.
Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an
olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but
we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace.
The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but
in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number.
This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually
never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels
with a 13th floor.
But think a bout this:
13 original colonies,
13 signers of the Declaration of Independence,
13 stripes on our flag,
13 steps on the Pyramid,
13 letters in the Latin above,
13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum,"
13 stars above the Eagle,
13 bars on that shield,
13 leaves on the olive branch,
13 fruits, and if you look closely,
13 arrows.
And, for the protection of minorities: the 13th
Amendment
I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your
children don't know this, and their history teachers
don't know this.
Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let
the meaning fade.
Many veterans remember coming home to an America that
didn't care.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
School Daze
It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me
to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again.
After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy
remained on the bus.
Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back
through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if
any of the houses or people
looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his
head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.
After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the
school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the
bus and started walking away.
"Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live."
"I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street.
"I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Finish Paving"
While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied, "One."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Growing Up
"It is unfortunate that, as we grow up, nature robs us of the knowledge of what youngsters are always giggling about."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Conclusions and Impressions"
Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.
The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.
Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.
Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"
Saturday, January 28, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 21st
"Business Exhaustion"
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"How do they get the 'Do not walk on grass' signs way out in the middle of the lawn?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Arrest Report"
A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The
nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you
weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It
turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that
she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is
very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I
was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal
and, as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?"
This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer
Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew
Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then
said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all
the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had
entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had
already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to
appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address,
phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the
dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before
he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and
his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his
work place and the police were entering the building to take him into
custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of
his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears
streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about
fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From CANAL HEIGHTS (hereinafter CH) -- Growing Good
Corn!
There was a farmer who grew award-winning corn. Each
year he entered his corn in the state fair where it
won a blue ribbon.
One year a newspaper reporter interviewed him and
learned something interesting about how he grew it.
The reporter discovered that the farmer shared his
seed corn with his neighbors.
"How can you afford to share your best seed corn with
your neighbors when they are entering corn in
competition with yours each year?" the reporter asked.
"Why sir," said the farmer, "didn't you know? The
wind picks up pollen from the ripening corn and
swirls it from field to field. If my neighbors grow
inferior corn, cross-pollination will steadily degrade
the quality of my corn. If I am to grow good corn, I
must help my neighbors grow good corn."
He is very much aware of the connectedness of life.
His corn cannot improve unless his neighbor's corn
also improves.
So it is in our lives. Those who choose to be at
peace must help their neighbors to be at peace.
Those who choose to live well must help others to live
well, for the value of a life is measured by the lives
it touches. And those who choose to be happy must help
others to find happiness, for the welfare of each is
bound up with the welfare of all.
The lesson for each of us is this: if we are to grow
good corn, we must help our neighbors grow good corn.
Author Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- This is a list of comments from
test papers, essays, Etc., submitted to science and
health teachers by Elementary, junior high, high
school, and college Students: "It is truly astonishing
what weird science Our young scholars can create under
the pressures Of time and grades." The spellings are
the original ones.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a
flame in a test tube.
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon
Monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than
it can hold.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead
cat.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going
away.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to
the cow instead of the bull.
The pistol of the flower is its only protection
against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the
more extinct it is.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over
the nose.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the
heart until the heart stops.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose
until it drops in your throat.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All
water tends towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I
forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not
phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the
main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was
greeted
with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer. Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What
is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just
landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What
are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"How do they get the 'Do not walk on grass' signs way out in the middle of the lawn?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Arrest Report"
A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The
nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you
weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It
turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that
she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is
very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I
was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal
and, as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?"
This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer
Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew
Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then
said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all
the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had
entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had
already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to
appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address,
phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the
dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before
he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and
his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his
work place and the police were entering the building to take him into
custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of
his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears
streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about
fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From CANAL HEIGHTS (hereinafter CH) -- Growing Good
Corn!
There was a farmer who grew award-winning corn. Each
year he entered his corn in the state fair where it
won a blue ribbon.
One year a newspaper reporter interviewed him and
learned something interesting about how he grew it.
The reporter discovered that the farmer shared his
seed corn with his neighbors.
"How can you afford to share your best seed corn with
your neighbors when they are entering corn in
competition with yours each year?" the reporter asked.
"Why sir," said the farmer, "didn't you know? The
wind picks up pollen from the ripening corn and
swirls it from field to field. If my neighbors grow
inferior corn, cross-pollination will steadily degrade
the quality of my corn. If I am to grow good corn, I
must help my neighbors grow good corn."
He is very much aware of the connectedness of life.
His corn cannot improve unless his neighbor's corn
also improves.
So it is in our lives. Those who choose to be at
peace must help their neighbors to be at peace.
Those who choose to live well must help others to live
well, for the value of a life is measured by the lives
it touches. And those who choose to be happy must help
others to find happiness, for the welfare of each is
bound up with the welfare of all.
The lesson for each of us is this: if we are to grow
good corn, we must help our neighbors grow good corn.
Author Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- This is a list of comments from
test papers, essays, Etc., submitted to science and
health teachers by Elementary, junior high, high
school, and college Students: "It is truly astonishing
what weird science Our young scholars can create under
the pressures Of time and grades." The spellings are
the original ones.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a
flame in a test tube.
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon
Monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than
it can hold.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead
cat.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going
away.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to
the cow instead of the bull.
The pistol of the flower is its only protection
against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the
more extinct it is.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over
the nose.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the
heart until the heart stops.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose
until it drops in your throat.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All
water tends towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I
forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not
phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the
main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was
greeted
with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer. Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What
is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just
landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What
are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
Friday, January 27, 2006
thhUMOR For Jan. 27th
Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper
posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for
himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Game Question"
The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.
"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser."
- Arnold Palmer
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"God's Mercy"
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.
An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little boy Vernie, was waiting on his mother to come out of a
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the
street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new
preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on
Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you
don't even know the way to the post office!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Lessons on Life
There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons
to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent
them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a
pear tree that was a great distance away.
The first son went in the winter, the second in the
spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in
the fall.
When they had all gone and come back, he called them
together to describe what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and
twisted.
The second son said no it was covered with green buds
and full of promise.
The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with
blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so
beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever
seen.
The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it
was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and
fulfillment.
The man then explained to his sons that they were all
right, because they had each seen but only one season
in the tree's life.
He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a
person, by only one season, and that the essence of
who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come
from that life can only be measured at the end, when
all the seasons are up.
If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the
promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer,
fulfillment of your fall.
Moral: Don't let the pain of one season destroy the
joy of all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season. Persevere
through the difficult patches and better times are
sure to come some time or later.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At The Movies
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my
girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got
some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews
were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark,
sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back
here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to D&M S -- This one is too good not to pass
on. Hope you all will forgive me for sending so many
today.
Pecans In The Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old
pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,
two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by
the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward
the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside
the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike
and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man
with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man
hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they
heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the
truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear,
they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get
a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's
all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and
we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GB: Christians
By Maya Angelou
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on!
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm ! admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Near Tragedy
In our town we have a regional mall that is two
stories tall with an escalator. There was a near
tragedy the day before yesterday when there was a
power outage in the area, and nine blondes were stuck
on the escalator for almost five hours.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- This has got to be one of the most
clever E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out
there either has too much spare time or is deadly at
Scrabble.
DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE
ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS
GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE
COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH
LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES
- LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN
HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO
MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: IM A
DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT
QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE
PLUS ONE
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper
posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for
himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Game Question"
The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.
"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser."
- Arnold Palmer
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"God's Mercy"
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.
An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little boy Vernie, was waiting on his mother to come out of a
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the
street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new
preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on
Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you
don't even know the way to the post office!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Lessons on Life
There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons
to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent
them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a
pear tree that was a great distance away.
The first son went in the winter, the second in the
spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in
the fall.
When they had all gone and come back, he called them
together to describe what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and
twisted.
The second son said no it was covered with green buds
and full of promise.
The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with
blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so
beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever
seen.
The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it
was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and
fulfillment.
The man then explained to his sons that they were all
right, because they had each seen but only one season
in the tree's life.
He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a
person, by only one season, and that the essence of
who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come
from that life can only be measured at the end, when
all the seasons are up.
If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the
promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer,
fulfillment of your fall.
Moral: Don't let the pain of one season destroy the
joy of all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season. Persevere
through the difficult patches and better times are
sure to come some time or later.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At The Movies
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my
girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got
some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews
were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark,
sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back
here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to D&M S -- This one is too good not to pass
on. Hope you all will forgive me for sending so many
today.
Pecans In The Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old
pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,
two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by
the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward
the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside
the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike
and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man
with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man
hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they
heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the
truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear,
they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get
a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's
all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and
we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GB: Christians
By Maya Angelou
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on!
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm ! admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Near Tragedy
In our town we have a regional mall that is two
stories tall with an escalator. There was a near
tragedy the day before yesterday when there was a
power outage in the area, and nine blondes were stuck
on the escalator for almost five hours.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- This has got to be one of the most
clever E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out
there either has too much spare time or is deadly at
Scrabble.
DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE
ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS
GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE
COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH
LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES
- LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN
HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO
MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: IM A
DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT
QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE
PLUS ONE
Thursday, January 26, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 25th
The Blonde Year in Review
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because
it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the
bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle
in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the
power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she
couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming
competition, complained to the judges that the other
swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying
to get into their locked car using a coat hanger
because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California
was: answered "C."
October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to
peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the
instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed
120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11"
on any phone button.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Ten Commandments Of Marriage
Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But so
are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay
strict attention to every word you say; talk in your
sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at
least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In
the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the
car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become
as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide
which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you say. After
marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is
beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely matter of
chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic
waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is
married. After that, he is finished.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Psychiatrist's 23rd Psalm
The Lord is my external-internal integrative
mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification
for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social
object with affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation.
He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive
id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for
my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts
despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic
compulsions.
He promotes my group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a
direct function of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and
economically secure forever.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Mercedes
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new
Mercedes convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he
had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as
he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal
even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and
saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the
man and he gunned it some more and flew down the road
at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked
up to the man "Sir," he said, looking at his watch.
"My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If
you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my
wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I
thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Excerpts From 'A Cat's Guide To Human Beings'"
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Arrest Report"
A fellow is walking down the street, and is accosted by a policeman. After brief questioning, the gentleman is arrested.
On facing the Magistrate, the policeman's statement is as follows, "Your Honour, the defendant was on Smith Street, carrying, on his back, a desk. He clutched in his left hand a typewriter, in his right, a wastepaper basket."
"I arrested him for impersonating an office, sir."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Too Late!
The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements
at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he
had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of
discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to
do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a
requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas
and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind
schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't
want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take
all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the
job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."
The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because
it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the
bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle
in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the
power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she
couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming
competition, complained to the judges that the other
swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying
to get into their locked car using a coat hanger
because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California
was: answered "C."
October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to
peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the
instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed
120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11"
on any phone button.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Ten Commandments Of Marriage
Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But so
are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay
strict attention to every word you say; talk in your
sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at
least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In
the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the
car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become
as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide
which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you say. After
marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is
beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely matter of
chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic
waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is
married. After that, he is finished.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Psychiatrist's 23rd Psalm
The Lord is my external-internal integrative
mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification
for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social
object with affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation.
He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive
id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for
my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts
despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic
compulsions.
He promotes my group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a
direct function of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and
economically secure forever.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Mercedes
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new
Mercedes convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he
had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as
he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal
even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and
saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the
man and he gunned it some more and flew down the road
at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked
up to the man "Sir," he said, looking at his watch.
"My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If
you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my
wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I
thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Excerpts From 'A Cat's Guide To Human Beings'"
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Arrest Report"
A fellow is walking down the street, and is accosted by a policeman. After brief questioning, the gentleman is arrested.
On facing the Magistrate, the policeman's statement is as follows, "Your Honour, the defendant was on Smith Street, carrying, on his back, a desk. He clutched in his left hand a typewriter, in his right, a wastepaper basket."
"I arrested him for impersonating an office, sir."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Too Late!
The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements
at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he
had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of
discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to
do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a
requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas
and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind
schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't
want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take
all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the
job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."
The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 24th
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going
to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a
few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a
good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been
going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he
added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't
hurt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Wishes!!!
This guy was walking along the beach when he came
across this salt-encrusted piece of metal.
He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and
behold it was a very old oil lamp.
The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris
when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed
of the lamp that he granted the guy 3 wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says
the guy.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar
richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire
engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system
ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand
and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the
lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah,
with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had
become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want
that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything
that came to his mind.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now.
May I save the third wish for later."
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I
can't escape from this lamp until you make a third
wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie
disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable
lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red
Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds
and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his
great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south
along the Pacific Coast Highway.
Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche
handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began
to sing along with the familiar commercial on the
radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the Store-employees really mean...
1. "Can I help you get a size?" Don't touch that, I
just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your
hands messing it up again.
2. "Do you need help with anything?" Quick, my manager
is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.
3. "Welcome to <>" Good, another
customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair
of socks.
4. "Have a nice day!" Now that you ruined mine.
5. "Thank you for shopping at <>"
Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!
6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your
items?" The more you can carry, the more you can buy!
7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?" Your
shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here, why
are you even shopping here?
8. "Can I help you get something down?" I'll get a
ladder and put it up for you since this other nice
customer put in the absolute wrong place.
9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it" You
would just mess it up again if you folded it.
10. "No, we don't have any more in the back" I just
don't want to check
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blondes... Aren't we thankful we have 'em? Think of
all the smiles we'd lose without 'em...
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me
walking down the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart
attack," Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone
except his secretary. You know the one."
"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart,
though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just
stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of
the phone number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister went to the department store to check out the
bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up
soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the
gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young
to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Major Technological Breakthrough
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched
on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an
armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device
called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides
of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in
information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use
more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly
into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on
without damage. However, it can become unusable if immersed in water
for a significant period of time. The "browse" feature allows you to
move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish.
Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location
of selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single
BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely,
numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants
to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the
number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an
optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so
certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the
platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of
new titles soon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Away From It All...
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the
pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no
sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an
ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came
crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave
just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he
had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had
returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.
After several hours they saw smoke curling from the
cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers
yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red
Cross."
Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get
lost. I gave at the office!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Genie...
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old
Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand,
pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three
wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her
wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her
mother requested for a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample
curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim
figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand
madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her
to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese
lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny
looked at the women in front of him and observed
loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his
mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny
received a reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as
far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt
is 'that' wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed
mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple
of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the
fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control
her child and his mother threatened him with severe
bodily harm.
The lady's pager begins to go off. Lil' Johnny yelled
in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your
life, she's backing up"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Real Groaner...
A man once saw a very beautiful woman and became
infatuated with her. Unfortunately, she didnt notice
him. Frustrated, he went to see a group of witches to
get a love potion from them. "We don't give love
potions anymore," said the witches, "we've decided
it's too unethical. But we will help you." They then
gave him a bag of small white tablets.
"Bury one of these in front of her home every night
for a month," they said, then sent him away.
A month later the man returned to the witches.
"Everything's great!" he exclaimed. "We met, she fell
in love with me and now we are to be married. I'm
amazed!"
"It's really no surprise," said the witches.
"Remember: Nothin says lovin like something from the
Coven, and pills buried says it best!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Riddles, Puns, Groaners... For the Kids
What kind of clothes does a house wear?
Address (Nelson, 10)
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
"You look flushed!" (Sara, 10)
What did the patent office head say when he first saw
Edison's
new light bulb?
Okay. Whose bright idea is this?
How did the manicure student do on her final exam?
She nailed it.
What is a monster's favorite game?
Swallow the leader (Christian, 7)
Why did the turkey go on a diet?
He was afraid of being stuffed for thanksgiving
(Elijah,8)
Police were called to a day care where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
To perfect their harmony, the barbershop quartet had
to have a sound plan. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Two comedian ducks are sitting at a nightclub one
night. One turns to the other and says "You quack me
up."
A window cleaner's boss often did spot checks.
On a van used by a window-treatment company: "A blind
man is driving this vehicle."
The chef slipped and broke his prime rib.
The teacher was lecturing on history and asked, "Can
anyone tell me the genus and nationality of the first
animal to circumnavigate the globe?"
Andrew raised his hand. "It was that duck from Paris,
I believe."
The teacher's eyebrows arched. "What duck from Paris?"
Andrew said, "Sir - France's drake."
The weary holiday travelers looked in disbelief at a
bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in
center... "OK, we give up. Why do you have mistletoe
above the luggage scale?"
"That's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye!"
to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a
few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a
good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been
going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he
added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't
hurt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Wishes!!!
This guy was walking along the beach when he came
across this salt-encrusted piece of metal.
He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and
behold it was a very old oil lamp.
The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris
when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed
of the lamp that he granted the guy 3 wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says
the guy.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar
richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire
engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system
ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand
and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the
lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah,
with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had
become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want
that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything
that came to his mind.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now.
May I save the third wish for later."
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I
can't escape from this lamp until you make a third
wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie
disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable
lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red
Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds
and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his
great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south
along the Pacific Coast Highway.
Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche
handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began
to sing along with the familiar commercial on the
radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the Store-employees really mean...
1. "Can I help you get a size?" Don't touch that, I
just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your
hands messing it up again.
2. "Do you need help with anything?" Quick, my manager
is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.
3. "Welcome to <
customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair
of socks.
4. "Have a nice day!" Now that you ruined mine.
5. "Thank you for shopping at <
Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!
6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your
items?" The more you can carry, the more you can buy!
7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?" Your
shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here, why
are you even shopping here?
8. "Can I help you get something down?" I'll get a
ladder and put it up for you since this other nice
customer put in the absolute wrong place.
9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it" You
would just mess it up again if you folded it.
10. "No, we don't have any more in the back" I just
don't want to check
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blondes... Aren't we thankful we have 'em? Think of
all the smiles we'd lose without 'em...
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me
walking down the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart
attack," Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone
except his secretary. You know the one."
"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart,
though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just
stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of
the phone number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister went to the department store to check out the
bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up
soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the
gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young
to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Major Technological Breakthrough
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched
on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an
armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device
called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides
of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in
information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use
more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly
into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on
without damage. However, it can become unusable if immersed in water
for a significant period of time. The "browse" feature allows you to
move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish.
Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location
of selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single
BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely,
numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants
to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the
number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an
optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so
certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the
platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of
new titles soon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Away From It All...
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the
pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no
sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an
ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came
crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave
just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he
had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had
returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.
After several hours they saw smoke curling from the
cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers
yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red
Cross."
Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get
lost. I gave at the office!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Genie...
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old
Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand,
pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three
wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her
wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her
mother requested for a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample
curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim
figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand
madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her
to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese
lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny
looked at the women in front of him and observed
loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his
mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny
received a reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as
far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt
is 'that' wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed
mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple
of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the
fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control
her child and his mother threatened him with severe
bodily harm.
The lady's pager begins to go off. Lil' Johnny yelled
in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your
life, she's backing up"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Real Groaner...
A man once saw a very beautiful woman and became
infatuated with her. Unfortunately, she didnt notice
him. Frustrated, he went to see a group of witches to
get a love potion from them. "We don't give love
potions anymore," said the witches, "we've decided
it's too unethical. But we will help you." They then
gave him a bag of small white tablets.
"Bury one of these in front of her home every night
for a month," they said, then sent him away.
A month later the man returned to the witches.
"Everything's great!" he exclaimed. "We met, she fell
in love with me and now we are to be married. I'm
amazed!"
"It's really no surprise," said the witches.
"Remember: Nothin says lovin like something from the
Coven, and pills buried says it best!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Riddles, Puns, Groaners... For the Kids
What kind of clothes does a house wear?
Address (Nelson, 10)
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
"You look flushed!" (Sara, 10)
What did the patent office head say when he first saw
Edison's
new light bulb?
Okay. Whose bright idea is this?
How did the manicure student do on her final exam?
She nailed it.
What is a monster's favorite game?
Swallow the leader (Christian, 7)
Why did the turkey go on a diet?
He was afraid of being stuffed for thanksgiving
(Elijah,8)
Police were called to a day care where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
To perfect their harmony, the barbershop quartet had
to have a sound plan. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Two comedian ducks are sitting at a nightclub one
night. One turns to the other and says "You quack me
up."
A window cleaner's boss often did spot checks.
On a van used by a window-treatment company: "A blind
man is driving this vehicle."
The chef slipped and broke his prime rib.
The teacher was lecturing on history and asked, "Can
anyone tell me the genus and nationality of the first
animal to circumnavigate the globe?"
Andrew raised his hand. "It was that duck from Paris,
I believe."
The teacher's eyebrows arched. "What duck from Paris?"
Andrew said, "Sir - France's drake."
The weary holiday travelers looked in disbelief at a
bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in
center... "OK, we give up. Why do you have mistletoe
above the luggage scale?"
"That's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye!"
Monday, January 23, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 23rd
"Market Conditions"
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
Ok, not to belabor the point, but remember that great quote that wasn't said by James A. Garfield (20th.President of the U.S.A)? Well, thanks to list member Rick "Sam_Mcduff" who tracked the source of the quote to Stanford president Donald Kennedy at commencement in 1991. Here is an expanded quote from him.
"The commitments that people make to values beyond the self are manifested in various ways - in their family and community life, in the way they treat any and all humans, in the goals and standards they set for themselves. There are men and women who make the world better just by being the kind of people they are. They have the gift of kindness or courage or loyalty or integrity. It really matters very little whether they are behind the wheel of a truck, or running a business, or bringing up a family. They teach the truth by living it."
- Donald Kennedy, President of Stanford
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Self-Image"
How to Lie to the Bathroom Scales
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Computer Career"
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Curse
The plane was flying from Seattle to New York. The
young woman of 25 was seated next to a well dressed
lady in her 70's. The young woman found it difficult
to ignore the beautiful huge diamond that the elderly
passenger seated next to her was wearing. After a
while she could not resist making a comment about the
beautiful stone. That diamond on your finger is so
huge!"
The elderly lady smiled and said, "It is five carats
--the famous Nussbaum Diamond--it's worth almost a
million dollars!"
The young lady let out a screech of excitement--"Oh
how fantastic!"
The elderly lady continued. There is only one problem
with the Nussbaum Diamond, ---there is a curse that
goes with it!"
"What kind of a curse goes with the Nussbaum Diamond?"
The young lady yelled out over the engine noise.
The elderly woman smiled and answered--"Mr. Nussbaum!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DID YOU KNOW?
The world record frog jump is 33 feet 5.5 inches over
the course of 3 consecutive leaps, achieved in May
1977 by a South African sharp-nosed frog called
Santjie.
The average outdoor only cat has a lifespan of about
three years. Indoor only cats can live sixteen years
and longer.
Did you know that at Disneyland they have like
hundreds of wild domesticated cats running around the
park? They never come out during the day because
there's too many people, but the reason they're there
is to catch the mice.
The Maine Coon cat is America's only natural breed of
domestic feline.
Julius Caeser, Henri II, Charles XI and Napoleon all
had ailurophobia, a fear of cats.
Electric light or light from your TV set will make
your cat shed her fur.
According to experts, whale songs rhyme.
Both humans and cats have identical regions in the
brain responsible for emotion.
The oceans contain 99 percent of the living space on
the planet.
Penguins "fly" underwater at up to 25 miles per hour.
The catgut formerly used as strings in tennis rackets
and musical instruments does not come from cats.
Catgut actually comes from sheep, hogs, and horses.
The domestic cat is the only species able to hold its
tail vertically while walking. Wild cats hold their
tail horizontally, or tucked between their legs while
walking.
A group of herring is called a seige.
A group of jelly fish is called a smack.
A Holstein's spots are like a fingerprint or
snowflake. No two cows have exactly the same pattern
of spots.
The male penguin incubates the single egg laid by his
mate. During the two month period he does not eat, and
will lose up to 40% of his body weight.
The cat's brain needs so much energy to function that
over twenty percent of blood that the heart pumps goes
immediately to it.
Cats respond better to women than men. One reason this
might be is that women have higher pitched voices than
men.
Horseshoe crabs have existed in essentially the same
form for the past 135 million years. Their blood
provides a valuable test for the toxins that cause
septic shock, which previously led to half of all
hospital-acquired infections and one-fifth of all
hospital deaths.
The Pacific Giant Octopus, the largest octopus in the
world, grows from the size of pea to a 150 pound
behemoth potentially 30 feet across in only two years,
its entire life-span.
A cat sees about six times better than a human at
night because of the tapetum lucidum, a layer of extra
reflecting cells which absorb light.
Animal gestation periods: the shortest is the American
opossum, which bears its young 12 to 13 days after
conception; the longest is the Asiatic elephant,
taking 608 days, or just over 20 months.
A father sea catfish keeps the eggs of his young in
his mouth until they are ready to hatch. He will not
eat until his young are born, which may take several
weeks.
The first house rats recorded in America appeared in
Boston in 1775.
Australian termites have been known to build mounds
twenty feet high and at least 100 feet wide.
Camel milk does not curdle.
The oarfish, Regalecus glesne, is the longest bony
fish in the world. With its snakelike body_sporting a
magnificent red fin along its 50-foot length,
horselike face and blue gills, it accounts for many
sea-serpent sightings.
An adult lion's roar can be heard up to five miles
away, and warns off intruders or reunites scattered
members of the pride.
The stuff (allergens) that people are allergic to in
cats is a protein in cat saliva. When the cat grooms
and the saliva dries it can become airborn. This
protein is 1/3 the weight of ordinary housedust, so it
can travel farther. You can find this allergen where
cats have never been.
Cats step with both left legs, then both right legs
when they walk or run. The only other animals to do
this are the giraffe and the camel.
Many fish can change sex during the course of their
lives. Others, especially rare deep-sea fish, have
both male and female sex organs.
The cat was domesticated over 4,000 years ago. Today's
house cats are descended from wildcats in Africa and
Europe.
When a queen bee lays the fertilized eggs that will
develop into new queens, only one of the newly laid
queens actually survives. The first new queen that
emerges from her cell destroys all other queens in
their cells and, thereafter, reigns alone.
The remains of diatoms, algae with hard shells, are
used in making pet litter, cosmetics, pool filters and
tooth polish.
Despite its reputation for being finicky, the average
cat consumes about 127,750 calories a year, nearly 28
times its own weight in food and the same amount again
in liquids. In case you're wondering, cats cannot
survive on a vegetarian diet.
Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into
windows.
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
Ok, not to belabor the point, but remember that great quote that wasn't said by James A. Garfield (20th.President of the U.S.A)? Well, thanks to list member Rick "Sam_Mcduff" who tracked the source of the quote to Stanford president Donald Kennedy at commencement in 1991. Here is an expanded quote from him.
"The commitments that people make to values beyond the self are manifested in various ways - in their family and community life, in the way they treat any and all humans, in the goals and standards they set for themselves. There are men and women who make the world better just by being the kind of people they are. They have the gift of kindness or courage or loyalty or integrity. It really matters very little whether they are behind the wheel of a truck, or running a business, or bringing up a family. They teach the truth by living it."
- Donald Kennedy, President of Stanford
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Self-Image"
How to Lie to the Bathroom Scales
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Computer Career"
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Curse
The plane was flying from Seattle to New York. The
young woman of 25 was seated next to a well dressed
lady in her 70's. The young woman found it difficult
to ignore the beautiful huge diamond that the elderly
passenger seated next to her was wearing. After a
while she could not resist making a comment about the
beautiful stone. That diamond on your finger is so
huge!"
The elderly lady smiled and said, "It is five carats
--the famous Nussbaum Diamond--it's worth almost a
million dollars!"
The young lady let out a screech of excitement--"Oh
how fantastic!"
The elderly lady continued. There is only one problem
with the Nussbaum Diamond, ---there is a curse that
goes with it!"
"What kind of a curse goes with the Nussbaum Diamond?"
The young lady yelled out over the engine noise.
The elderly woman smiled and answered--"Mr. Nussbaum!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DID YOU KNOW?
The world record frog jump is 33 feet 5.5 inches over
the course of 3 consecutive leaps, achieved in May
1977 by a South African sharp-nosed frog called
Santjie.
The average outdoor only cat has a lifespan of about
three years. Indoor only cats can live sixteen years
and longer.
Did you know that at Disneyland they have like
hundreds of wild domesticated cats running around the
park? They never come out during the day because
there's too many people, but the reason they're there
is to catch the mice.
The Maine Coon cat is America's only natural breed of
domestic feline.
Julius Caeser, Henri II, Charles XI and Napoleon all
had ailurophobia, a fear of cats.
Electric light or light from your TV set will make
your cat shed her fur.
According to experts, whale songs rhyme.
Both humans and cats have identical regions in the
brain responsible for emotion.
The oceans contain 99 percent of the living space on
the planet.
Penguins "fly" underwater at up to 25 miles per hour.
The catgut formerly used as strings in tennis rackets
and musical instruments does not come from cats.
Catgut actually comes from sheep, hogs, and horses.
The domestic cat is the only species able to hold its
tail vertically while walking. Wild cats hold their
tail horizontally, or tucked between their legs while
walking.
A group of herring is called a seige.
A group of jelly fish is called a smack.
A Holstein's spots are like a fingerprint or
snowflake. No two cows have exactly the same pattern
of spots.
The male penguin incubates the single egg laid by his
mate. During the two month period he does not eat, and
will lose up to 40% of his body weight.
The cat's brain needs so much energy to function that
over twenty percent of blood that the heart pumps goes
immediately to it.
Cats respond better to women than men. One reason this
might be is that women have higher pitched voices than
men.
Horseshoe crabs have existed in essentially the same
form for the past 135 million years. Their blood
provides a valuable test for the toxins that cause
septic shock, which previously led to half of all
hospital-acquired infections and one-fifth of all
hospital deaths.
The Pacific Giant Octopus, the largest octopus in the
world, grows from the size of pea to a 150 pound
behemoth potentially 30 feet across in only two years,
its entire life-span.
A cat sees about six times better than a human at
night because of the tapetum lucidum, a layer of extra
reflecting cells which absorb light.
Animal gestation periods: the shortest is the American
opossum, which bears its young 12 to 13 days after
conception; the longest is the Asiatic elephant,
taking 608 days, or just over 20 months.
A father sea catfish keeps the eggs of his young in
his mouth until they are ready to hatch. He will not
eat until his young are born, which may take several
weeks.
The first house rats recorded in America appeared in
Boston in 1775.
Australian termites have been known to build mounds
twenty feet high and at least 100 feet wide.
Camel milk does not curdle.
The oarfish, Regalecus glesne, is the longest bony
fish in the world. With its snakelike body_sporting a
magnificent red fin along its 50-foot length,
horselike face and blue gills, it accounts for many
sea-serpent sightings.
An adult lion's roar can be heard up to five miles
away, and warns off intruders or reunites scattered
members of the pride.
The stuff (allergens) that people are allergic to in
cats is a protein in cat saliva. When the cat grooms
and the saliva dries it can become airborn. This
protein is 1/3 the weight of ordinary housedust, so it
can travel farther. You can find this allergen where
cats have never been.
Cats step with both left legs, then both right legs
when they walk or run. The only other animals to do
this are the giraffe and the camel.
Many fish can change sex during the course of their
lives. Others, especially rare deep-sea fish, have
both male and female sex organs.
The cat was domesticated over 4,000 years ago. Today's
house cats are descended from wildcats in Africa and
Europe.
When a queen bee lays the fertilized eggs that will
develop into new queens, only one of the newly laid
queens actually survives. The first new queen that
emerges from her cell destroys all other queens in
their cells and, thereafter, reigns alone.
The remains of diatoms, algae with hard shells, are
used in making pet litter, cosmetics, pool filters and
tooth polish.
Despite its reputation for being finicky, the average
cat consumes about 127,750 calories a year, nearly 28
times its own weight in food and the same amount again
in liquids. In case you're wondering, cats cannot
survive on a vegetarian diet.
Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into
windows.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 22
THE MEETING OF THE DOGS
The dogs all met one Christmas.
They came from near and far.
Some dogs came by Greyhound Bus,
while others came by car.
The purpose of their meeting:
To fill the world with Glee,
and put a brand new puppy
under every Christmas tree.
But a special hall was rented,
and the landlord did declare
he didn't want them running 'round
just pooping everywhere.
So before inside that rented hall
the dogs could even look,
they had to take their hineys off
and hang them on a hook.
Then once inside the meeting --
each mother, son and sire --
some cat dressed in a dog suit
began to holler, "Fire!"
They all rushed out, that pack of dogs.
They had no time to look
to see which type of hiney
they grabbed off its little hook.
They got their hineys all mixed up.
It really made them sore,
to have to wear a hiney
they'd never worn before.
Then, once the chaos ended,
so did the dogs' grand scheme.
And kids who'd dreamed of puppies
were left with just a dream.
It's also why you'll see a dog
give up a juicy bone
to go and sniff a hiney,
to see if it's his own.
Anonymous (adapted by Lee Charles Kelley)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some Short 'ens...
As the plane was flying low over some hills near
Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that
stuff on those hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this
fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
*****
The company commander saw the results of Private
Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The
private exclaimed plaintively: "Sir, I think I am
going to commit suicide by shooting myself."
"By shooting?" asked the company commander, "Not a bad
idea! But take as many cartridges as possible."
*****
Little Bobbie had been pawing over a stationer's stock
of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked,
"Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday
greeting, message to a sick friend? An Anniversary, or
a congratulations to your mom and dad?"
Little Bobbie shook his head and answered, "Nope. Got
any blank report cards?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist
who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the
man began "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to
let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets
back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say..."
"I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked n on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he
gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor! Doctor!
So the woman calls the town psychiatrist and cries,
"Doctor, you've got to come as soon as possible. My
husband is in really bad shape!"
The shrink rushes over.
The worried wife says, "Thank goodness you are here,
doctor. Just go down the hall. He's in the last room
on the right."
The shrink goes in the room and sees the woman's
husband sitting on the edge of the bathtub, dangling a
fishline in the toilet.
He goes back to the wife and says, "Yes, this is very
serious. But why didn't you call me sooner?"
"Who had time?" the wife asks. "I've been cleaning
fish all week."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Biblical Bumper Stickers
------------------------
Adam: "You are what you eat."
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'. "
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land."
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody
happy."
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a
corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One
was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they
look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a
colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
Received from Thomas Leiner.
The dogs all met one Christmas.
They came from near and far.
Some dogs came by Greyhound Bus,
while others came by car.
The purpose of their meeting:
To fill the world with Glee,
and put a brand new puppy
under every Christmas tree.
But a special hall was rented,
and the landlord did declare
he didn't want them running 'round
just pooping everywhere.
So before inside that rented hall
the dogs could even look,
they had to take their hineys off
and hang them on a hook.
Then once inside the meeting --
each mother, son and sire --
some cat dressed in a dog suit
began to holler, "Fire!"
They all rushed out, that pack of dogs.
They had no time to look
to see which type of hiney
they grabbed off its little hook.
They got their hineys all mixed up.
It really made them sore,
to have to wear a hiney
they'd never worn before.
Then, once the chaos ended,
so did the dogs' grand scheme.
And kids who'd dreamed of puppies
were left with just a dream.
It's also why you'll see a dog
give up a juicy bone
to go and sniff a hiney,
to see if it's his own.
Anonymous (adapted by Lee Charles Kelley)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some Short 'ens...
As the plane was flying low over some hills near
Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that
stuff on those hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this
fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
*****
The company commander saw the results of Private
Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The
private exclaimed plaintively: "Sir, I think I am
going to commit suicide by shooting myself."
"By shooting?" asked the company commander, "Not a bad
idea! But take as many cartridges as possible."
*****
Little Bobbie had been pawing over a stationer's stock
of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked,
"Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday
greeting, message to a sick friend? An Anniversary, or
a congratulations to your mom and dad?"
Little Bobbie shook his head and answered, "Nope. Got
any blank report cards?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist
who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the
man began "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to
let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets
back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say..."
"I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked n on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he
gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor! Doctor!
So the woman calls the town psychiatrist and cries,
"Doctor, you've got to come as soon as possible. My
husband is in really bad shape!"
The shrink rushes over.
The worried wife says, "Thank goodness you are here,
doctor. Just go down the hall. He's in the last room
on the right."
The shrink goes in the room and sees the woman's
husband sitting on the edge of the bathtub, dangling a
fishline in the toilet.
He goes back to the wife and says, "Yes, this is very
serious. But why didn't you call me sooner?"
"Who had time?" the wife asks. "I've been cleaning
fish all week."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Biblical Bumper Stickers
------------------------
Adam: "You are what you eat."
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'. "
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land."
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody
happy."
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a
corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One
was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they
look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a
colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
Received from Thomas Leiner.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
hUMOR For Jan 21st
Criminal Lawyer
A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town,
obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks,
"Is there a criminal lawyer in town?"
To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, "Yes, but we
haven't been able to prove it yet!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Golf Discovery"
A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was.
His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again.
After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said,
"And you thought I was having a good time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"My dog treats me like family - the cats treat me like staff."
-- Ed Hector
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Church Buses"
Our local Catholic church has plans start a ministry similar to that used successfully by so many protestant churches.
They'll be bringing their parishioners to services by bus. They plan to call it "mass transit."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"So," the woman asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out of the way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed the woman's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating." Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, " It's pretty clear that he was following you!"
A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town,
obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks,
"Is there a criminal lawyer in town?"
To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, "Yes, but we
haven't been able to prove it yet!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Golf Discovery"
A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was.
His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again.
After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said,
"And you thought I was having a good time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"My dog treats me like family - the cats treat me like staff."
-- Ed Hector
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Church Buses"
Our local Catholic church has plans start a ministry similar to that used successfully by so many protestant churches.
They'll be bringing their parishioners to services by bus. They plan to call it "mass transit."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"So," the woman asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out of the way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed the woman's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating." Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, " It's pretty clear that he was following you!"
Friday, January 20, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 20th
How to know if you are from Flori-DUH:
1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo,
Okemah, and Chickasha.
2. You think that people who complain about
the wind in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to
go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars
waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to
"A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking
space is not determined by the distance to the
door,
but
by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has
an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm
about 5 minutes away.")
11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as
"The City."
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport
named for a m! an who died in an airplane crash.
13. Little smokies are something you serve
only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you think it is
like going to the ocean.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before
picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football
schedule to plan their wedding date.
18. You have known someone who has had one
belt buckle bigger than your fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring
each
other
at a four- way stop, each determined! to be the most polite and let
the other go first.
20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and
in which state "Miam-ee" is.
21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental,
ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A
Ford F350 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you
learned how to multiply.
26. You actually get these jokes and are
"fixin" to send them to your friends..
27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you
have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind? "
"Dr. Pecker."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What's It Take?"
"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter once asked.
Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."
Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to do to be queen?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
OK, OK, OK - wow, who would have thought so many of you were truck experts! I know there were trucks around at the time when James Garfield was president, but I couldn't find any that were operated by someone behind a wheel, so I guess Tuesday's quote was a dud like Saturday's. Where does this all leave me? Unfortunately, hoping Peter Ustinov did die in 2004!
"I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world."
- Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Superstition"
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six
years old. Something of his had found its way into my
garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a
baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one
look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it
right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sense of Humor
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a
series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss
said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"
"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm
quitting tomorrow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- A Recipe For Life
1 c. good thoughts
1 c. considerations for others
3 c. forgiveness
2 c. sacrifice for others
1 c. kind deeds
2 c. well-beaten thoughts
2 heaping cups patience
Mix these thoroughly and add tears of joy, sorrow, and
sympathy for others. Flavor with little gifts of love.
Fold in 4 cups of prayer and raise the texture to
great heights of Christian living. After pouring all
this into your daily life, bake well with the heat of
human kindness. SERVE WITH A SMILE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boss, but not necessarily by merit...
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup,
hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid
the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy
leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he
wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the
wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and
replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and
screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and
don't come you back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked
around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell
me what that goof-off did here?"
>From across the room came a lone voice, "Pizza
delivery guy from Domino's."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Words of Wisdom
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this
otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has
printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the
top. - English Professor, Ohio University
ON MARTIAL ARTS AND METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling
that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the
head like this before.
ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo is bovine.
ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like a TV
without a screen.
ON YOUTH Some people say that I must be a horrible
person, but that's not at all true. I have the heart
of a young boy. ...In a jar.... On my desk. -- Steven
King
ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a
hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is,
nonetheless, still dead.
ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you
keep it?
ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its
popularity.
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the
greatest thing since?
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of
very weird people in any university.
ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Eat broccili.
ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside
lightly. It should be thrown away with great force. --
Dorothy Parker
ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth -- they
are too weak to refuse.
ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice
doggy" until you can find a rock.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Police! Police!
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a
barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet
tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he
boasted that he could whip the deputy and the "Heavy
Weight Boxing Champion of the World."
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an
escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you
could show us how strong you really are. But all I've
got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how
quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked
for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't
do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under
arrest."
1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo,
Okemah, and Chickasha.
2. You think that people who complain about
the wind in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to
go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars
waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to
"A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking
space is not determined by the distance to the
door,
but
by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has
an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm
about 5 minutes away.")
11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as
"The City."
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport
named for a m! an who died in an airplane crash.
13. Little smokies are something you serve
only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you think it is
like going to the ocean.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before
picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football
schedule to plan their wedding date.
18. You have known someone who has had one
belt buckle bigger than your fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring
each
other
at a four- way stop, each determined! to be the most polite and let
the other go first.
20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and
in which state "Miam-ee" is.
21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental,
ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A
Ford F350 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you
learned how to multiply.
26. You actually get these jokes and are
"fixin" to send them to your friends..
27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you
have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind? "
"Dr. Pecker."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What's It Take?"
"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter once asked.
Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."
Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to do to be queen?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
OK, OK, OK - wow, who would have thought so many of you were truck experts! I know there were trucks around at the time when James Garfield was president, but I couldn't find any that were operated by someone behind a wheel, so I guess Tuesday's quote was a dud like Saturday's. Where does this all leave me? Unfortunately, hoping Peter Ustinov did die in 2004!
"I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world."
- Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Superstition"
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six
years old. Something of his had found its way into my
garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a
baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one
look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it
right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sense of Humor
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a
series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss
said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"
"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm
quitting tomorrow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- A Recipe For Life
1 c. good thoughts
1 c. considerations for others
3 c. forgiveness
2 c. sacrifice for others
1 c. kind deeds
2 c. well-beaten thoughts
2 heaping cups patience
Mix these thoroughly and add tears of joy, sorrow, and
sympathy for others. Flavor with little gifts of love.
Fold in 4 cups of prayer and raise the texture to
great heights of Christian living. After pouring all
this into your daily life, bake well with the heat of
human kindness. SERVE WITH A SMILE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boss, but not necessarily by merit...
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup,
hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid
the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy
leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he
wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the
wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and
replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and
screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and
don't come you back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked
around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell
me what that goof-off did here?"
>From across the room came a lone voice, "Pizza
delivery guy from Domino's."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Words of Wisdom
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this
otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has
printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the
top. - English Professor, Ohio University
ON MARTIAL ARTS AND METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling
that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the
head like this before.
ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo is bovine.
ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like a TV
without a screen.
ON YOUTH Some people say that I must be a horrible
person, but that's not at all true. I have the heart
of a young boy. ...In a jar.... On my desk. -- Steven
King
ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a
hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is,
nonetheless, still dead.
ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you
keep it?
ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its
popularity.
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the
greatest thing since?
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of
very weird people in any university.
ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Eat broccili.
ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside
lightly. It should be thrown away with great force. --
Dorothy Parker
ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth -- they
are too weak to refuse.
ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice
doggy" until you can find a rock.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Police! Police!
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a
barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet
tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he
boasted that he could whip the deputy and the "Heavy
Weight Boxing Champion of the World."
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an
escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you
could show us how strong you really are. But all I've
got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how
quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked
for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't
do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under
arrest."
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 18th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Apology Letter"
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
Ok, you got me (not that I did it on purpose)! Yes, the Anglican Church was not around in the 1100's so there is no way that Saturday's quote is from the tomb of an Anglican Bishop from the 1100's. Here's hoping that James Garfield is actually the 20th President of the USA!
"There are men and women who make the world better just by being the kind of people they are. They have the gift of kindness or courage or loyalty or integrity. It really matters very little whether they are behind the wheel of a truck or running a business or bringing up a family. They teach the truth by living it."
- James A. Garfield, 20th.President of the U.S.A.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Honesty In Business"
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand. I wasn't surprised when a friend of my daughter showed me a Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
She replied, "Honesty."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr.
Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for
sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago
lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the
early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when
well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for
using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student,
but could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses,
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she
spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial
settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My
Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was
gone.
Received from Tim Krell.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink. (Editor's Note:
This one is only funny if you TELL it to your family
members, not if you try it...)
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
andbleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a
hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache..
8. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what
The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools:
WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the
duct tape.
9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You
have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and
friends. You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan.
12. "Thought for the Day: Our days are happier when we
give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of
our mind"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Twenty Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise
Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If
They Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It
"In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once
Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For
Sexual Favors" (sorry...ts)
7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With
The Prophecy."
8 dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't
Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!,
I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking Lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're
Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The
Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......
20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Plane Stuff
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit
back and relax - OH, MY!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but,
while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a
cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should
see the back of mine!"
*****
On a Valu-Jet flight: "Sorry for the delay, but the
machine that rips the handles off your luggage is down
and we are having it repaired.
*****
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly
stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After
an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took
us awhile to find a new pilot."
"Apology Letter"
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
Ok, you got me (not that I did it on purpose)! Yes, the Anglican Church was not around in the 1100's so there is no way that Saturday's quote is from the tomb of an Anglican Bishop from the 1100's. Here's hoping that James Garfield is actually the 20th President of the USA!
"There are men and women who make the world better just by being the kind of people they are. They have the gift of kindness or courage or loyalty or integrity. It really matters very little whether they are behind the wheel of a truck or running a business or bringing up a family. They teach the truth by living it."
- James A. Garfield, 20th.President of the U.S.A.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Honesty In Business"
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand. I wasn't surprised when a friend of my daughter showed me a Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
She replied, "Honesty."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr.
Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for
sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago
lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the
early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when
well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for
using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student,
but could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses,
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she
spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial
settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My
Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was
gone.
Received from Tim Krell.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink. (Editor's Note:
This one is only funny if you TELL it to your family
members, not if you try it...)
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
andbleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a
hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache..
8. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what
The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools:
WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the
duct tape.
9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You
have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and
friends. You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan.
12. "Thought for the Day: Our days are happier when we
give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of
our mind"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Twenty Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise
Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If
They Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It
"In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once
Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For
Sexual Favors" (sorry...ts)
7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With
The Prophecy."
8 dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't
Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!,
I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking Lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're
Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The
Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......
20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Plane Stuff
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit
back and relax - OH, MY!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but,
while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a
cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should
see the back of mine!"
*****
On a Valu-Jet flight: "Sorry for the delay, but the
machine that rips the handles off your luggage is down
and we are having it repaired.
*****
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly
stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After
an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took
us awhile to find a new pilot."
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