The old man was always telling his grandson about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 30th
Good Singer"
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
Friday, December 29, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 29th
"Kind Word"
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Have you ever had the experience of parking in a one-hour zone, inserting the coins, than finding yourself, forty-five minutes later, still in line at the bank? At such times, you might suddenly find religion, and fervently pray that you will make your meter."
- Victor Blume
+++++++++++++++++++
"Visitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill.
After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
+++++++++++++++++++
As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store, I noticed a car with
its headlights on. I jotted down the make, color and license number.
Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk, and when it was
my turn, I told the clerk that there was a green Ford in the parking lot
that had its lights on and gave her the license number.
"Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer.
The gentleman next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going to
announce it?"
"There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That's my car."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dangling Participle Alert:
The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing
about 150 pounds.
The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.
Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud
that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that was
trying to force feed it in his ear.
We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows
playing Scrabble and reading.
Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants
armed only with spears.
+++++++++++++++++++
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Have you ever had the experience of parking in a one-hour zone, inserting the coins, than finding yourself, forty-five minutes later, still in line at the bank? At such times, you might suddenly find religion, and fervently pray that you will make your meter."
- Victor Blume
+++++++++++++++++++
"Visitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill.
After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
+++++++++++++++++++
As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store, I noticed a car with
its headlights on. I jotted down the make, color and license number.
Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk, and when it was
my turn, I told the clerk that there was a green Ford in the parking lot
that had its lights on and gave her the license number.
"Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer.
The gentleman next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going to
announce it?"
"There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That's my car."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dangling Participle Alert:
The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing
about 150 pounds.
The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.
Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud
that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that was
trying to force feed it in his ear.
We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows
playing Scrabble and reading.
Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants
armed only with spears.
+++++++++++++++++++
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Thursday, December 28, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 28th
Good Singer"
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 27th
VIP Impression
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All
production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
+++++++++++++++++++
It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact,
it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find
a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought
it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and
pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the
neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the
chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the
room, it's done.
+++++++++++++++++++
I've been collecting compliments all my life. So far I have three.
+++++++++++++++++++
Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have
thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite
and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she
asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
(This one is worth passing on.)
This one is for everyone who ..
A) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have
Kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having A wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
This," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in My mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed Staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All
production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
+++++++++++++++++++
It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact,
it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find
a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought
it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and
pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the
neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the
chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the
room, it's done.
+++++++++++++++++++
I've been collecting compliments all my life. So far I have three.
+++++++++++++++++++
Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have
thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite
and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she
asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
(This one is worth passing on.)
This one is for everyone who ..
A) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have
Kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having A wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
This," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in My mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed Staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 26th
*******************
I can't say that this was my most memorable Christmas, but it certainly is one that I won't soon forget.
My wife and I had just graduated from Bible College that year (1989) and were living in Toronto. We were hoping to observe Christmas Eve according to my side of the family's tradition. On Christmas Eve the Davis family would settle in at home and enjoy a nice spread of cold cuts, cheeses, and snack foods while enjoying each other's company, Christmas music, and the general ambiance of our decorated tree and lights. For Christmas Day we were planning to drive the hour and half north to my parent's home for Christmas dinner.
We were aware of a couple of individuals at the church, where I was the youth pastor, who would be alone on Christmas Eve. One of them was our neighbour next to the 6-plex in which we lived. Joe was a single American, in his forties, and living alone. The other individual was Stephen. Stephen was very new to Canada. A political refugee, he had just escaped Ghana, Africa, with his life and had no family in North America. Both Joe and Stephen accepted our invitation.
When it came time to gather together, Joe of course walked to our building to join us while I drove to pick up Stephen and bring him to our apartment.
As I went to pick him up I was beginning to feel a bit of a cold coming on, but figured I could fight it off if I just kept warm. It wasn't long before we were all together back at our apartment that we began to converse. It wasn't much later when Joe and Stephen began to argue about American foreign policy in Africa. Although I kept trying to change the subject to something a bit more festive, they kept returning to their argument - each pressing his own case more firmly and loudly. Eventually, I retreated within myself waiting for the chance to call it a night, take Stephen home, and go to bed as my cold was beginning to gain a foothold in my body.
Eventually, my wife and I had endured our guest's arguing long enough that it didn't seem rude when we thanked them for coming and wrapped up our time together. Joe walked home and I drove Stephen to his place - stopping at a gas station along the way to fill the slowly leaking right rear tire on my car. After returning home and parking the car, I glanced back and noticed my tire was now entirely flat thanks to ice that had gotten into the tire valve stem when refilling it. Returning to our apartment I told my wife I would be in the parking lot out back changing the tire on the car. Noticing that I now had a headache and was running a low-grade fever, I put on some extra layers of clothing to try to survive the automotive ordeal that awaited.
Once outside in the bitterly cold Christmas Eve night, I wrestled with the stupid, tiny jack that came with our car in order to get the stupid, flat tire off our car so I could put the stupid, little, tiny spare tire that came with our car on our car to hold that corner barely off the ground. At some point during all of that, and as my body temperature began to grow along with what was now flu like symptoms, my wife appeared at the back door of our building.
She informed me that my mother had called and that a family member, who was expected for Christmas dinner the next day, had had too much to drink the day before. As it turned out, after he was removed from directing traffic in the downtown of my hometown, he promptly emptied the contents of his stomach and in the process of cleaning up, flushed his brand new dentures down the toilet. Mom's request was that I look in our storage area for my grandfather's teeth, which were with some other things in a box from the funeral home that had buried him. The plan was that we would loan the teeth to this relative so they could chew Christmas dinner with us. At this point my wife, two months pregnant and with a very queasy stomach, added her own input and stated that if I did find Grandpa's teeth, and loan them out, that she herself might not be able to eat Christmas dinner.
After finishing changing the tire, and taking the flat indoors, so the ice in the valve stem could melt, the tire be re-inflated and changed again on Christmas morning, I spent the rest of Christmas Eve in the dingy basement of our building, with my head pounding, my body reeling from a fever, while I rifled and shuffled through boxes looking for Grandpa's teeth - which I never did find to the relief of my wife.
None of those events have anything to do with what makes Christmas truly memorable for me, but just the same, I'll not soon forget Christmas 1989.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with
friends.
+++++++++++++++++++
"At Home"
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Eskimo Dinner"
What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A few years ago, our local paper asked for submissions about our most memorable Christmas. I submitted the following and it was one of the winning entries. Two years have passed since I last shared it here on the PearlyGates list so I thought I would run it again. – Pastor Tim
+++++++++++++++++++
Laundry Rules
Pajamas -- Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes
after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you
do not get dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be
worn many times before they smell bad enough to
warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception:
You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw
up on them or something else that may be deemed
disgusting, but only if they stink.
Socks -- Unroll your socks before putting them in the
dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and
drying them in their original rolled up little balls.
Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down
the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of physics
causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind
the washer or dryer, and Mom is getting to old to
crawl back there and fish them out.
Clothes Hung Up -- Clean clothes can be easily removed
from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the
hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can
now be removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong
way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner
of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying
around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and
becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring
hangers. Special note: This makes Mom want to choke
children. So far, she has been able to refrain from
this action.
Dirty Clothes Rule -- If you have made the decision to
put something in the dirty clothes, do not later
decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve
it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving
behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped
through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing
worse than having to put stinking clothes in the
laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and
over.
Pockets -- Check your own pockets before you put dirty
items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the
laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces
of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes? No?
I thought not! But the next time this occurs, you will
have the pleasure of this experience. Special note: In
the future, all money found in pockets becomes the
property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly
will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a
Caribbean cruise, which she will go on alone. She has
heard that you don't have to do laundry while you are
on a cruise!
Folded Clothes Rule -- When those clean clothes
miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously
thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them
there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do
this in the future will result in a generous
contribution to the Goodwill.
General Dirty Clothes Rule -- If they aren't dirty,
why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them
back in your closet or drawers. When you decide to try
something on and decide that it will not make the
fashion statement you were looking for that particular
day, think twice before you make that conscious
decision that it is easier to throw the item in the
dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again,
the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their
fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
Laundry Sharing -- In the future, each of you will be
required to do one load of laundry a week.
Instructions will be provided. Mom feels that the joy
of this household chore should be shared, and she has
been very selfish about this in the past. She also
feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without
it, you may not ever want to leave home. This would
not be in the best interest of your parents.
+++++++++++++++++++
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious
situations and some equally stupid answers:-
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well, it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so
I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool
comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled
shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....
why don't you try again or should I try this time.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated
cement. We occasionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt
meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so
big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk
yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating,
insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at
Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was
betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you
think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently
shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects
in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I
bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now
it's in flames!!!
I can't say that this was my most memorable Christmas, but it certainly is one that I won't soon forget.
My wife and I had just graduated from Bible College that year (1989) and were living in Toronto. We were hoping to observe Christmas Eve according to my side of the family's tradition. On Christmas Eve the Davis family would settle in at home and enjoy a nice spread of cold cuts, cheeses, and snack foods while enjoying each other's company, Christmas music, and the general ambiance of our decorated tree and lights. For Christmas Day we were planning to drive the hour and half north to my parent's home for Christmas dinner.
We were aware of a couple of individuals at the church, where I was the youth pastor, who would be alone on Christmas Eve. One of them was our neighbour next to the 6-plex in which we lived. Joe was a single American, in his forties, and living alone. The other individual was Stephen. Stephen was very new to Canada. A political refugee, he had just escaped Ghana, Africa, with his life and had no family in North America. Both Joe and Stephen accepted our invitation.
When it came time to gather together, Joe of course walked to our building to join us while I drove to pick up Stephen and bring him to our apartment.
As I went to pick him up I was beginning to feel a bit of a cold coming on, but figured I could fight it off if I just kept warm. It wasn't long before we were all together back at our apartment that we began to converse. It wasn't much later when Joe and Stephen began to argue about American foreign policy in Africa. Although I kept trying to change the subject to something a bit more festive, they kept returning to their argument - each pressing his own case more firmly and loudly. Eventually, I retreated within myself waiting for the chance to call it a night, take Stephen home, and go to bed as my cold was beginning to gain a foothold in my body.
Eventually, my wife and I had endured our guest's arguing long enough that it didn't seem rude when we thanked them for coming and wrapped up our time together. Joe walked home and I drove Stephen to his place - stopping at a gas station along the way to fill the slowly leaking right rear tire on my car. After returning home and parking the car, I glanced back and noticed my tire was now entirely flat thanks to ice that had gotten into the tire valve stem when refilling it. Returning to our apartment I told my wife I would be in the parking lot out back changing the tire on the car. Noticing that I now had a headache and was running a low-grade fever, I put on some extra layers of clothing to try to survive the automotive ordeal that awaited.
Once outside in the bitterly cold Christmas Eve night, I wrestled with the stupid, tiny jack that came with our car in order to get the stupid, flat tire off our car so I could put the stupid, little, tiny spare tire that came with our car on our car to hold that corner barely off the ground. At some point during all of that, and as my body temperature began to grow along with what was now flu like symptoms, my wife appeared at the back door of our building.
She informed me that my mother had called and that a family member, who was expected for Christmas dinner the next day, had had too much to drink the day before. As it turned out, after he was removed from directing traffic in the downtown of my hometown, he promptly emptied the contents of his stomach and in the process of cleaning up, flushed his brand new dentures down the toilet. Mom's request was that I look in our storage area for my grandfather's teeth, which were with some other things in a box from the funeral home that had buried him. The plan was that we would loan the teeth to this relative so they could chew Christmas dinner with us. At this point my wife, two months pregnant and with a very queasy stomach, added her own input and stated that if I did find Grandpa's teeth, and loan them out, that she herself might not be able to eat Christmas dinner.
After finishing changing the tire, and taking the flat indoors, so the ice in the valve stem could melt, the tire be re-inflated and changed again on Christmas morning, I spent the rest of Christmas Eve in the dingy basement of our building, with my head pounding, my body reeling from a fever, while I rifled and shuffled through boxes looking for Grandpa's teeth - which I never did find to the relief of my wife.
None of those events have anything to do with what makes Christmas truly memorable for me, but just the same, I'll not soon forget Christmas 1989.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with
friends.
+++++++++++++++++++
"At Home"
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Eskimo Dinner"
What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A few years ago, our local paper asked for submissions about our most memorable Christmas. I submitted the following and it was one of the winning entries. Two years have passed since I last shared it here on the PearlyGates list so I thought I would run it again. – Pastor Tim
+++++++++++++++++++
Laundry Rules
Pajamas -- Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes
after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you
do not get dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be
worn many times before they smell bad enough to
warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception:
You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw
up on them or something else that may be deemed
disgusting, but only if they stink.
Socks -- Unroll your socks before putting them in the
dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and
drying them in their original rolled up little balls.
Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down
the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of physics
causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind
the washer or dryer, and Mom is getting to old to
crawl back there and fish them out.
Clothes Hung Up -- Clean clothes can be easily removed
from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the
hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can
now be removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong
way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner
of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying
around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and
becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring
hangers. Special note: This makes Mom want to choke
children. So far, she has been able to refrain from
this action.
Dirty Clothes Rule -- If you have made the decision to
put something in the dirty clothes, do not later
decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve
it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving
behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped
through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing
worse than having to put stinking clothes in the
laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and
over.
Pockets -- Check your own pockets before you put dirty
items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the
laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces
of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes? No?
I thought not! But the next time this occurs, you will
have the pleasure of this experience. Special note: In
the future, all money found in pockets becomes the
property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly
will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a
Caribbean cruise, which she will go on alone. She has
heard that you don't have to do laundry while you are
on a cruise!
Folded Clothes Rule -- When those clean clothes
miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously
thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them
there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do
this in the future will result in a generous
contribution to the Goodwill.
General Dirty Clothes Rule -- If they aren't dirty,
why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them
back in your closet or drawers. When you decide to try
something on and decide that it will not make the
fashion statement you were looking for that particular
day, think twice before you make that conscious
decision that it is easier to throw the item in the
dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again,
the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their
fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
Laundry Sharing -- In the future, each of you will be
required to do one load of laundry a week.
Instructions will be provided. Mom feels that the joy
of this household chore should be shared, and she has
been very selfish about this in the past. She also
feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without
it, you may not ever want to leave home. This would
not be in the best interest of your parents.
+++++++++++++++++++
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious
situations and some equally stupid answers:-
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well, it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so
I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool
comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled
shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....
why don't you try again or should I try this time.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated
cement. We occasionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt
meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so
big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk
yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating,
insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at
Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was
betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you
think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently
shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects
in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I
bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now
it's in flames!!!
Monday, December 25, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 25th Merry Christmas
How the "Left" Stole Christmas
Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
See the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit Pushing
folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOT Happy Holiday!
###############
Holiday Eating Tips
Try not to become an eggnog-aholic this Christmas…
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips & start over… but hurry, January is just around the corner.
###############
"Christmas Eve"
Christmas Eve ---
by Ruth Sockett
I have not wrapped a present and the paper's disappeared.
The children are hysterical, they just found Santa's beard -
The baby ate a Christmas ball, there's eggnog in my tea
Daddy's chasing mistletoe, he swings from tree to tree.
Susan's changed her mind about the doll that walks and talks -
Now she wants a simple thing, a real live horse that talks.
I just got back my Christmas cards that gave me writer's cramps
I didn't forget a single soul, I just forgot the stamps.
So, Santa, when you do get here and find beneath the tree,
A poor lost soul without a mind, be nice, for it is me!!
+++++++++++++++++++
A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She
knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a
package of 50 cards without really looking at them.
Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading
the message inside.
On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come
across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49
of her friends.
Much to her dismay, it read like this:
"This card is just to say
A little gift is on the way."
Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.
+++++++++++++++++++
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the
Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who
brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to
tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the
very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way
back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!
And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet,
so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year. It's also on my Visa
statement twelve months a year.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: GIFT OF GIVING
The holiday season comes with lots and lots of rain
And just like the water, our money goes down the
drain.
But what would the season be, without the spirit of
living?
It would be like the world of the dead, without the
gift of giving.
For the ability to give is a gift, which came from
God, above;
HE gave his beloved son as a token of HIS undying
love.
And Jesus continued the gift by dying on Calvary
To save everyone who obeys him, every sinner just like
me.
Oh, that I may follow and imitate their blessed
example
That others may see in me a tiny bit of a sample
Of the greatness of God and HIS blessed son.
May others see and say, " In all, may HIS will be
done."
By L. B. Strawn
December 1, 1998
Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
See the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit Pushing
folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOT Happy Holiday!
###############
Holiday Eating Tips
Try not to become an eggnog-aholic this Christmas…
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips & start over… but hurry, January is just around the corner.
###############
"Christmas Eve"
Christmas Eve ---
by Ruth Sockett
I have not wrapped a present and the paper's disappeared.
The children are hysterical, they just found Santa's beard -
The baby ate a Christmas ball, there's eggnog in my tea
Daddy's chasing mistletoe, he swings from tree to tree.
Susan's changed her mind about the doll that walks and talks -
Now she wants a simple thing, a real live horse that talks.
I just got back my Christmas cards that gave me writer's cramps
I didn't forget a single soul, I just forgot the stamps.
So, Santa, when you do get here and find beneath the tree,
A poor lost soul without a mind, be nice, for it is me!!
+++++++++++++++++++
A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She
knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a
package of 50 cards without really looking at them.
Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading
the message inside.
On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come
across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49
of her friends.
Much to her dismay, it read like this:
"This card is just to say
A little gift is on the way."
Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.
+++++++++++++++++++
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the
Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who
brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to
tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the
very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way
back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!
And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet,
so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year. It's also on my Visa
statement twelve months a year.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: GIFT OF GIVING
The holiday season comes with lots and lots of rain
And just like the water, our money goes down the
drain.
But what would the season be, without the spirit of
living?
It would be like the world of the dead, without the
gift of giving.
For the ability to give is a gift, which came from
God, above;
HE gave his beloved son as a token of HIS undying
love.
And Jesus continued the gift by dying on Calvary
To save everyone who obeys him, every sinner just like
me.
Oh, that I may follow and imitate their blessed
example
That others may see in me a tiny bit of a sample
Of the greatness of God and HIS blessed son.
May others see and say, " In all, may HIS will be
done."
By L. B. Strawn
December 1, 1998
Sunday, December 24, 2006
hUMOR For Dec 24th
Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned
a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
+++++++++++++++++++
For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing
under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to
ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also
the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by
chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and
maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian
custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill.
It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led
to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that
if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is
a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now
just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Christmas Shopping"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress."
- Ronald Reagan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Debating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a
new prosthetic and then he hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds
it and confronts him with the artificial limb.
"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks.
"No, of course not" responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Santa,
How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with
a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year
after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the
Christmas-presents-business business.
Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on
it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids
tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are
delivered. It's an impressive operation.
I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas
presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing
advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still
don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.
I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example,
when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and
you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And
even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same
stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's
stuff?
Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you
can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some
great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just
refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.
What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've
ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one - who could compete with a
deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially
when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or
fail.
Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at
least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them
the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something
and then sell them what they need to make it work.
Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and
inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I
have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.
That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or
bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if
that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the
other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask
for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I
guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.
Best of luck,
Billy Gates
+++++++++++++++++++
Free gum. See bottom of shoe.
+++++++++++++++++++
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the
leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth
500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned,
"name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of
relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little
sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly
faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll
accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and
began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very
shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it
glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned
a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
+++++++++++++++++++
For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing
under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to
ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also
the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by
chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and
maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian
custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill.
It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led
to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that
if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is
a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now
just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Christmas Shopping"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress."
- Ronald Reagan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Debating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a
new prosthetic and then he hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds
it and confronts him with the artificial limb.
"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks.
"No, of course not" responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Santa,
How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with
a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year
after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the
Christmas-presents-business business.
Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on
it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids
tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are
delivered. It's an impressive operation.
I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas
presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing
advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still
don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.
I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example,
when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and
you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And
even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same
stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's
stuff?
Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you
can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some
great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just
refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.
What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've
ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one - who could compete with a
deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially
when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or
fail.
Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at
least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them
the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something
and then sell them what they need to make it work.
Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and
inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I
have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.
That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or
bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if
that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the
other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask
for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I
guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.
Best of luck,
Billy Gates
+++++++++++++++++++
Free gum. See bottom of shoe.
+++++++++++++++++++
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the
leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth
500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned,
"name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of
relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little
sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly
faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll
accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and
began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very
shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it
glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
Saturday, December 23, 2006
hUMOR For 23rd
As you know, it is very important for
Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they
deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know
they are there. One Christmas Eve as Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very loud
"Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his
reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know
which one it was. It happened again, only louder this
time: "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa
hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the
sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this
time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on
all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck
their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he
drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all
the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to
deliver another present until the reindeer who is
making funny noises with his nose steps forward and
apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and
I have written your name on this paper. But I want to
give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did
the only thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed
reindeer...
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE
OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up
to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light
on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
off the light, but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all
patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his
door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a
few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause
I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you
said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: Christmas Mail
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas
stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and
22 Baptist.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: Big "BAD" Walmart
Those folks who badmouth Walmart stores,
I do not find it fittin'
If workers there found it so bad
They'd say it's so by quittin'.
At Walmart prices are quite low
So poorer folks can buy there
They can't afford most other stores
So that is why they try there
The greedy unions are to blame
They're looking for more DUES
That's why they're making all that fuss
We're hearing on the news.
Some senior folks are working there
They're only there part-time
As friendly greeters at the door
And I think that's just fine
They make themselves some extra cash
And mingle with the "folks"
It helps them live more actively
And they can tell more jokes.
Employees find advancement there
The ones more qualified
And anyone can raise himself
If he works hard and tried.
Bernie
+++++++++++++++++++
Nutritious Eating
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right
doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple
way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with
bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It
was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Sign
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the banner company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later: . . "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."
+++++++++++++++++++
Which Holiday Relative Are You?
Please circle the letter that best describes your response.
1. When dinner is served, what do you say?
A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could I
make some more gravy?
B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.
C. Who needs their wine topped off?
D. I want to open presents first.
E. Please pass the salad, and no, I'm not dating anybody.
F. Why is everybody here? It's not my birthday, is it?
G. Are you going to finish that? I'll be glad to finish
that for you.
2. When opening gifts, what do you say?
A. I'm going to save this pretty wrapping paper.
B. I paid $57.95 for that and he's playing with the box!
Play with the toy!!
C. I don't need another 12-step book.
D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.
E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this while
eating take-out every night.
F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my government
secrets in here.
G. Woo Hoo! I love my new toy! I'm so excited.
3. What do you think when shopping for gifts?
A. I'm making good money now -- this year it's fabulous
gifts for everyone.
B. Do I look like I'm made of money?
C. Vermouth for everyone, and jars of olives for stocking
stuffers.
D. You mean I have to "buy" presents?
E. This sweater is a lovely shade of cobalt, but it needs
to be more of a cerulean.
F. A banana for Peggy Sue. A hula-hoop for Betty, and some
bobby socks for Jude.
G. I wish I were in the mall with them and not locked in
this car by myself.
4. What is your holiday attire like?
A. A green dress, red blouse, and Christmas tree earrings.
B. The same thing I wear every holiday.
C. I always notice my shirt is on backwards halfway through
dinner.
D. I have to wear a clip-on bow tie and itchy wool pants.
E. Something black that shows a little leg.
F. My pajamas and a fez.
G. Fur.
5. How do you decorate the house during the holidays?
A. You can never have too many wreaths, I always say.
B. It's time to string up the lights again?! Geez!
C. Airline-size liquor bottles strung together are a
beautiful holiday decoration.
D. I string popcorn together so I can eat it after
Christmas.
E. Why decorate when I am never home?
F. Why would I want to decorate the "horse"?
G. I like to leave lots of homemade surprises behind the
couch.
6. If you were a reindeer, what would your name be?
A. Cleaner.
B. Whiner.
C. Rudolph the RED NOSED reindeer.
D. Broken.
E. Vixen.
F. Burden.
G. Sniffer.
7. What is your favorite outdoor winter activity?
A. I love sleigh rides with the whole family.
B. Leave me alone. I'm watching football.
C. Frozen snow makes a great margarita mix.
D. I'm gonna peg people with snow balls.
E. Anatomically correct snowmen and lots of them.
F. I run through the sprinklers without any clothes on.
G. Making yellow snow is lots of fun.
-----
If you circled "A" three or more times, you are "Uber
Mother." Mom, sit down! The meal is perfect, the house is
perfect, and the gifts are perfect. So knock back a few
shots of eggnog and chill!
If you circled "B" three or more times, you are "The
Irritable Father." You put the "Bah" in "Bah humbug" and the
"Grrr" in Grinch. Lighten up.
If you circled "C" three or more times, you are "The Tipsy
Aunt." It's time to start drinking your eggnog straight,
honey.
If you circled "D" three or more times, you are "The Whiny
Grandchild." You're so spoiled. Stop complaining about
getting underwear instead of toys. When I was your age, we
had to make our own underwear out of leaves.
If you circled "E" three or more times, you are "The
Career-Minded Daughter." For you, life is one big party.
Just remember... tick tock tick tock.
If you circled "F" three or more times, you are "Grand
Pappy." We've been talking and feel it's time you move into
a nice place where people can take care of you. No, put that
down -- you don't need that to talk to the mother ship.
If you circled "G" three or more times, you are "The Family
Dog." You're such a good boy... yes you are... yes you
are...
If you circled "none" three or more times, you probably need
to see a therapist.
Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they
deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know
they are there. One Christmas Eve as Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very loud
"Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his
reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know
which one it was. It happened again, only louder this
time: "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa
hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the
sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this
time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on
all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck
their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he
drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all
the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to
deliver another present until the reindeer who is
making funny noises with his nose steps forward and
apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and
I have written your name on this paper. But I want to
give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did
the only thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed
reindeer...
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE
OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up
to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light
on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
off the light, but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all
patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his
door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a
few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause
I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you
said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: Christmas Mail
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas
stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and
22 Baptist.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: Big "BAD" Walmart
Those folks who badmouth Walmart stores,
I do not find it fittin'
If workers there found it so bad
They'd say it's so by quittin'.
At Walmart prices are quite low
So poorer folks can buy there
They can't afford most other stores
So that is why they try there
The greedy unions are to blame
They're looking for more DUES
That's why they're making all that fuss
We're hearing on the news.
Some senior folks are working there
They're only there part-time
As friendly greeters at the door
And I think that's just fine
They make themselves some extra cash
And mingle with the "folks"
It helps them live more actively
And they can tell more jokes.
Employees find advancement there
The ones more qualified
And anyone can raise himself
If he works hard and tried.
Bernie
+++++++++++++++++++
Nutritious Eating
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right
doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple
way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with
bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It
was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Sign
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the banner company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later: . . "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."
+++++++++++++++++++
Which Holiday Relative Are You?
Please circle the letter that best describes your response.
1. When dinner is served, what do you say?
A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could I
make some more gravy?
B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.
C. Who needs their wine topped off?
D. I want to open presents first.
E. Please pass the salad, and no, I'm not dating anybody.
F. Why is everybody here? It's not my birthday, is it?
G. Are you going to finish that? I'll be glad to finish
that for you.
2. When opening gifts, what do you say?
A. I'm going to save this pretty wrapping paper.
B. I paid $57.95 for that and he's playing with the box!
Play with the toy!!
C. I don't need another 12-step book.
D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.
E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this while
eating take-out every night.
F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my government
secrets in here.
G. Woo Hoo! I love my new toy! I'm so excited.
3. What do you think when shopping for gifts?
A. I'm making good money now -- this year it's fabulous
gifts for everyone.
B. Do I look like I'm made of money?
C. Vermouth for everyone, and jars of olives for stocking
stuffers.
D. You mean I have to "buy" presents?
E. This sweater is a lovely shade of cobalt, but it needs
to be more of a cerulean.
F. A banana for Peggy Sue. A hula-hoop for Betty, and some
bobby socks for Jude.
G. I wish I were in the mall with them and not locked in
this car by myself.
4. What is your holiday attire like?
A. A green dress, red blouse, and Christmas tree earrings.
B. The same thing I wear every holiday.
C. I always notice my shirt is on backwards halfway through
dinner.
D. I have to wear a clip-on bow tie and itchy wool pants.
E. Something black that shows a little leg.
F. My pajamas and a fez.
G. Fur.
5. How do you decorate the house during the holidays?
A. You can never have too many wreaths, I always say.
B. It's time to string up the lights again?! Geez!
C. Airline-size liquor bottles strung together are a
beautiful holiday decoration.
D. I string popcorn together so I can eat it after
Christmas.
E. Why decorate when I am never home?
F. Why would I want to decorate the "horse"?
G. I like to leave lots of homemade surprises behind the
couch.
6. If you were a reindeer, what would your name be?
A. Cleaner.
B. Whiner.
C. Rudolph the RED NOSED reindeer.
D. Broken.
E. Vixen.
F. Burden.
G. Sniffer.
7. What is your favorite outdoor winter activity?
A. I love sleigh rides with the whole family.
B. Leave me alone. I'm watching football.
C. Frozen snow makes a great margarita mix.
D. I'm gonna peg people with snow balls.
E. Anatomically correct snowmen and lots of them.
F. I run through the sprinklers without any clothes on.
G. Making yellow snow is lots of fun.
-----
If you circled "A" three or more times, you are "Uber
Mother." Mom, sit down! The meal is perfect, the house is
perfect, and the gifts are perfect. So knock back a few
shots of eggnog and chill!
If you circled "B" three or more times, you are "The
Irritable Father." You put the "Bah" in "Bah humbug" and the
"Grrr" in Grinch. Lighten up.
If you circled "C" three or more times, you are "The Tipsy
Aunt." It's time to start drinking your eggnog straight,
honey.
If you circled "D" three or more times, you are "The Whiny
Grandchild." You're so spoiled. Stop complaining about
getting underwear instead of toys. When I was your age, we
had to make our own underwear out of leaves.
If you circled "E" three or more times, you are "The
Career-Minded Daughter." For you, life is one big party.
Just remember... tick tock tick tock.
If you circled "F" three or more times, you are "Grand
Pappy." We've been talking and feel it's time you move into
a nice place where people can take care of you. No, put that
down -- you don't need that to talk to the mother ship.
If you circled "G" three or more times, you are "The Family
Dog." You're such a good boy... yes you are... yes you
are...
If you circled "none" three or more times, you probably need
to see a therapist.
Friday, December 22, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 22nd
Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned
a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
+++++++++++++++++++
For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing
under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to
ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also
the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by
chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and
maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian
custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill.
It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led
to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that
if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is
a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now
just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Christmas Shopping"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress."
- Ronald Reagan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Debating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a
new prosthetic and then he hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds
it and confronts him with the artificial limb.
"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks.
"No, of course not" responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Santa,
How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with
a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year
after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the
Christmas-presents-business business.
Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on
it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids
tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are
delivered. It's an impressive operation.
I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas
presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing
advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still
don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.
I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example,
when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and
you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And
even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same
stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's
stuff?
Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you
can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some
great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just
refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.
What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've
ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one - who could compete with a
deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially
when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or
fail.
Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at
least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them
the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something
and then sell them what they need to make it work.
Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and
inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I
have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.
That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or
bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if
that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the
other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask
for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I
guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.
Best of luck,
Billy Gates
+++++++++++++++++++
Free gum. See bottom of shoe.
+++++++++++++++++++
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the
leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth
500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned,
"name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of
relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little
sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly
faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll
accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and
began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very
shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it
glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned
a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
+++++++++++++++++++
For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing
under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to
ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also
the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by
chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and
maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian
custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill.
It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led
to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that
if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is
a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now
just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Christmas Shopping"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress."
- Ronald Reagan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Debating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a
new prosthetic and then he hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds
it and confronts him with the artificial limb.
"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks.
"No, of course not" responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Santa,
How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with
a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year
after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the
Christmas-presents-business business.
Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on
it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids
tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are
delivered. It's an impressive operation.
I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas
presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing
advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still
don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.
I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example,
when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and
you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And
even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same
stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's
stuff?
Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you
can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some
great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just
refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.
What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've
ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one - who could compete with a
deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially
when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or
fail.
Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at
least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them
the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something
and then sell them what they need to make it work.
Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and
inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I
have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.
That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or
bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if
that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the
other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask
for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I
guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.
Best of luck,
Billy Gates
+++++++++++++++++++
Free gum. See bottom of shoe.
+++++++++++++++++++
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the
leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth
500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned,
"name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of
relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little
sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly
faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll
accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and
began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very
shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it
glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
Thursday, December 21, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 21st
The Basics of Islam........... Allah is a "Moon god" nothing more!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
Computers are superior to man. You never see one making a fool of himself at
the office Christmas party.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a
few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the
other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I
don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Shopping Remote"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Before resolving to jog five miles a day, visit a cardiologist to have your heart examined, a podiatrist to have your feet examined and a psychiatrist to have your head examined. "
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Dog Pride"
My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
+++++++++++++++++++
Computers are superior to man. You never see one making a fool of himself at
the office Christmas party.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a
few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the
other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I
don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Shopping Remote"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Before resolving to jog five miles a day, visit a cardiologist to have your heart examined, a podiatrist to have your feet examined and a psychiatrist to have your head examined. "
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Dog Pride"
My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 20th
Lullabye
A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he
overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend
you're asleep, he stops."
+++++++++++++++++++
Military Humour
Wit & Wisdom – a War of Words…
“A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.” - Jon McBride, astronaut
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.” - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
“A smooth landing is mostly luck. Two in a row is all luck. Three in a row is prevarication.” - Anonymous
“Aim towards the Enemy.” - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.” - Anonymous
“Any ship can be a minesweeper… Once.” - Anonymous
Basic Flying Rules: “Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.” - Anonymous
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” - USAF Ammo Troop
“Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.” – U.S. Navy Swabbie
“Don't draw fire. It irritates the people around you.” - Your Buddies
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” - Infantry Journal
“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.” - Anonymous
“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.” - Anonymous
“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.” - Anonymous
“If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.” – Sea King helicopter pilot, Canadian Air Force
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” - Infantry Journal
“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.” - Anonymous
“If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.” – Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” - USAF Ammo Troop
“If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.” - Infantry Journal
“It is generally inadvisable to eject... directly over the area you just bombed.” - U.S. Air Force Manual
“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we never left one up there!” - Anonymous
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” - Anonymous
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” - Unknown Marine Recruit
“Never trade luck for skill.” - Anonymous
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” - Joe Gay
“Progress in airline aviation: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.” - Anonymous
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.” - Anonymous
“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you.” - Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
“There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.” - Blue water Navy truism
“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.” - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base (Kadena, Japan)
“Tracers work both ways.” - U.S. Army Ordnance
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” - Infantry Journal
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.” - Anonymous
“What’s the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.” - Anonymous
“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.” - Anonymous
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” - U.S. Marine Corps
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” - General Macarthur
“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.” - Anonymous
“You, you, and you - panic. The rest of you, come with me.” - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.” - Anonymous
“You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.” - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, “What happened?”
The pilot's reply: “I don't know, I just got here myself!” - Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
+++++++++++++++++++
Irish Virgin
If you can’t take it with you, talk to a postman…
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
“BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows:
“RETURNED UNOPENED”
+++++++++++++++++++
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
Snow good to have too much fun in the snow!
Reality check for those who like snow…
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for seven hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Bloody snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, did my thing and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob (who has a plow on his truck) for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the twit is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the blasted friggin’-fracker who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the blasted snowplow.
December 25: Merry Friggin’ Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a friggin’ idiot. If I have to watch “It's a Wonderful Life” one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him. He only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The !=3D@x@!x!x1 wife is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars. Not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rear end. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he
overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend
you're asleep, he stops."
+++++++++++++++++++
Military Humour
Wit & Wisdom – a War of Words…
“A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.” - Jon McBride, astronaut
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.” - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
“A smooth landing is mostly luck. Two in a row is all luck. Three in a row is prevarication.” - Anonymous
“Aim towards the Enemy.” - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.” - Anonymous
“Any ship can be a minesweeper… Once.” - Anonymous
Basic Flying Rules: “Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.” - Anonymous
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” - USAF Ammo Troop
“Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.” – U.S. Navy Swabbie
“Don't draw fire. It irritates the people around you.” - Your Buddies
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” - Infantry Journal
“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.” - Anonymous
“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.” - Anonymous
“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.” - Anonymous
“If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.” – Sea King helicopter pilot, Canadian Air Force
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” - Infantry Journal
“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.” - Anonymous
“If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.” – Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” - USAF Ammo Troop
“If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.” - Infantry Journal
“It is generally inadvisable to eject... directly over the area you just bombed.” - U.S. Air Force Manual
“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we never left one up there!” - Anonymous
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” - Anonymous
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” - Unknown Marine Recruit
“Never trade luck for skill.” - Anonymous
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” - Joe Gay
“Progress in airline aviation: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.” - Anonymous
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.” - Anonymous
“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you.” - Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
“There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.” - Blue water Navy truism
“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.” - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base (Kadena, Japan)
“Tracers work both ways.” - U.S. Army Ordnance
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” - Infantry Journal
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.” - Anonymous
“What’s the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.” - Anonymous
“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.” - Anonymous
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” - U.S. Marine Corps
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” - General Macarthur
“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.” - Anonymous
“You, you, and you - panic. The rest of you, come with me.” - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.” - Anonymous
“You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.” - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, “What happened?”
The pilot's reply: “I don't know, I just got here myself!” - Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
+++++++++++++++++++
Irish Virgin
If you can’t take it with you, talk to a postman…
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
“BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows:
“RETURNED UNOPENED”
+++++++++++++++++++
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
Snow good to have too much fun in the snow!
Reality check for those who like snow…
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for seven hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Bloody snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, did my thing and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob (who has a plow on his truck) for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the twit is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the blasted friggin’-fracker who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the blasted snowplow.
December 25: Merry Friggin’ Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a friggin’ idiot. If I have to watch “It's a Wonderful Life” one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him. He only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The !=3D@x@!x!x1 wife is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars. Not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rear end. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 19th
The Basics of Islam........... Allah is a "Moon god" nothing more!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
Computers are superior to man. You never see one making a fool of himself at
the office Christmas party.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a
few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the
other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I
don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Shopping Remote"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Before resolving to jog five miles a day, visit a cardiologist to have your heart examined, a podiatrist to have your feet examined and a psychiatrist to have your head examined. "
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Dog Pride"
My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Christmas treat appears below for faithful X – Files fans.
Vern
X – Files Christmas
We're too late! It's already been here. Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.
Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted,
transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the
chimney, with care.
You really think someone's been here?
Someone ... or something.
Mulder, over here it's a fruitcake.
Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."
It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Who? What are you talking about?
Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity that could travel at great speed
in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice,
this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers with gifts
and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite. But that's legend, Mulder
a story told by parents to frighten children.
Surely you don't believe it?
Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread
man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive and in a hurry.
It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely
drained.
It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Appeasement! Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding about the land.
But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked.
There's no sign of forced entry.
Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and
came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing
could get down there.
But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once as with a
shape-shifter?
You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was
visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its
ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the
horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial
features of my father.
Impossible.
I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato
Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head! I'm sorry, Mulder, but
you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some
supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls
and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If
this gets out, they'll close the X files.
Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake.
But we have no proof.
Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace
over twenty seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.
But that was a meteor shower.
Officially, that was their story. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer
vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody not even the
zookeeper was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about
Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will
stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets
will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives.
There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent
night.
Mulder, I
Sh h h. Do you hear what I hear?
Up on the roof. It … it sounds like ... a clatter.
The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.
+++++++++++++++++++
Computers are superior to man. You never see one making a fool of himself at
the office Christmas party.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a
few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the
other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I
don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Shopping Remote"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Before resolving to jog five miles a day, visit a cardiologist to have your heart examined, a podiatrist to have your feet examined and a psychiatrist to have your head examined. "
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Dog Pride"
My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Christmas treat appears below for faithful X – Files fans.
Vern
X – Files Christmas
We're too late! It's already been here. Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.
Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted,
transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the
chimney, with care.
You really think someone's been here?
Someone ... or something.
Mulder, over here it's a fruitcake.
Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."
It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Who? What are you talking about?
Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity that could travel at great speed
in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice,
this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers with gifts
and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite. But that's legend, Mulder
a story told by parents to frighten children.
Surely you don't believe it?
Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread
man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive and in a hurry.
It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely
drained.
It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Appeasement! Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding about the land.
But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked.
There's no sign of forced entry.
Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and
came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing
could get down there.
But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once as with a
shape-shifter?
You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was
visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its
ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the
horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial
features of my father.
Impossible.
I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato
Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head! I'm sorry, Mulder, but
you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some
supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls
and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If
this gets out, they'll close the X files.
Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake.
But we have no proof.
Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace
over twenty seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.
But that was a meteor shower.
Officially, that was their story. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer
vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody not even the
zookeeper was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about
Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will
stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets
will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives.
There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent
night.
Mulder, I
Sh h h. Do you hear what I hear?
Up on the roof. It … it sounds like ... a clatter.
The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.
Monday, December 18, 2006
gHTii7ih
Evangelist Request
During a January revival, an evangelist asked the people in line what
they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist
spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
+++++++++++++++++++
This is the time of year when we think back to the very
first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar,
Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts;
gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological
fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said
so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of
paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty
the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but
Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is
nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth
his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the
paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that
the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is
because the people giving those gifts had two important
characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the
point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can
tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a
scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I
know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be
there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never
takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to
wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene
said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift
the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a
piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball
court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still
see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an
ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of
the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife,
like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a
symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife
would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,
when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item
on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design
on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped
in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must
be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip
the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one
of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive
visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what
you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during
this very special time of year, is that you save the
receipt.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Santa is always saying "Ho Ho Ho." Kind of makes you wonder what his
occupation is during the rest of the year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental--$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
During a January revival, an evangelist asked the people in line what
they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist
spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
+++++++++++++++++++
This is the time of year when we think back to the very
first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar,
Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts;
gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological
fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said
so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of
paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty
the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but
Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is
nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth
his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the
paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that
the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is
because the people giving those gifts had two important
characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the
point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can
tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a
scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I
know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be
there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never
takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to
wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene
said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift
the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a
piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball
court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still
see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an
ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of
the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife,
like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a
symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife
would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,
when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item
on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design
on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped
in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must
be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip
the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one
of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive
visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what
you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during
this very special time of year, is that you save the
receipt.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Santa is always saying "Ho Ho Ho." Kind of makes you wonder what his
occupation is during the rest of the year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental--$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 17th
Birthday Lawnmower
On my birthday I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home
from a baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh,
Dad, you shouldn't have to mow the lawn on your birthday." Touched, I
was about to turn the mower over to him when he added, "You should
wait until tomorrow!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
+++++++++++++++++++
Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going to the bar."
Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?"
Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to
sitting in a semi-circle." - Mitch Hedberg
+++++++++++++++++++
Question and Answer Christmas Jokes
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Microsoft Christmas
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first."
Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature."
Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
On my birthday I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home
from a baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh,
Dad, you shouldn't have to mow the lawn on your birthday." Touched, I
was about to turn the mower over to him when he added, "You should
wait until tomorrow!"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
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Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going to the bar."
Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?"
Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off."
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"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to
sitting in a semi-circle." - Mitch Hedberg
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Question and Answer Christmas Jokes
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
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A Microsoft Christmas
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first."
Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature."
Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
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