!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speeding Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tree TroubleA logger went to cut down a tree. He used his ax a fewtimes, yelled "timber," and the tree fell. Thenchopped for a while on a second tree, yelled "timber,"and that tree fell as well. He went through the sameprocess with a third tree, but the third tree wouldn'tfall over. So he tried a chain saw, and thenexplosives, finally he called in a "Tree Doctor." The doctor checked out the tree, thought about what todo for a minute then finger-signed "T-I-M-B-E-R." Thethird tree finally fell down. The doctor explained to the lumberjack that thisparticular tree was Deaf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
California Department of Transportation's drivingschool:Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossingthe road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach afour-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumpersticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if youcould no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.Q: What are some points to remember when passing orbeing passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she iscute.Q: What is the difference between a flashing redtraffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?A: The color.Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?A: Heavy psychedelics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry short folks...A man went to apply for a job. After filling out allof his applications, he waited anxiously for theoutcome.The employer read all his applications and said, "Wehave an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," he said, "What is it?""It's called the door!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strange Customs...A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukonwho had never recorded a baptism, confirmation ormarriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation bybaptizing and confirming everyone. He also marriedevery beaming couple that walked by.Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe hadnever had so much fun. The bishop asked the chiefwhich part they enjoyed the most."The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "Weall got new wives!"
Monday, October 31, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 31st
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speeding Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tree TroubleA logger went to cut down a tree. He used his ax a fewtimes, yelled "timber," and the tree fell. Thenchopped for a while on a second tree, yelled "timber,"and that tree fell as well. He went through the sameprocess with a third tree, but the third tree wouldn'tfall over. So he tried a chain saw, and thenexplosives, finally he called in a "Tree Doctor." The doctor checked out the tree, thought about what todo for a minute then finger-signed "T-I-M-B-E-R." Thethird tree finally fell down. The doctor explained to the lumberjack that thisparticular tree was Deaf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
California Department of Transportation's drivingschool:Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossingthe road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach afour-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumpersticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if youcould no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.Q: What are some points to remember when passing orbeing passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she iscute.Q: What is the difference between a flashing redtraffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?A: The color.Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?A: Heavy psychedelics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry short folks...A man went to apply for a job. After filling out allof his applications, he waited anxiously for theoutcome.The employer read all his applications and said, "Wehave an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," he said, "What is it?""It's called the door!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strange Customs...A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukonwho had never recorded a baptism, confirmation ormarriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation bybaptizing and confirming everyone. He also marriedevery beaming couple that walked by.Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe hadnever had so much fun. The bishop asked the chiefwhich part they enjoyed the most."The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "Weall got new wives!"
Speeding Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tree TroubleA logger went to cut down a tree. He used his ax a fewtimes, yelled "timber," and the tree fell. Thenchopped for a while on a second tree, yelled "timber,"and that tree fell as well. He went through the sameprocess with a third tree, but the third tree wouldn'tfall over. So he tried a chain saw, and thenexplosives, finally he called in a "Tree Doctor." The doctor checked out the tree, thought about what todo for a minute then finger-signed "T-I-M-B-E-R." Thethird tree finally fell down. The doctor explained to the lumberjack that thisparticular tree was Deaf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
California Department of Transportation's drivingschool:Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossingthe road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach afour-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumpersticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if youcould no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.Q: What are some points to remember when passing orbeing passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she iscute.Q: What is the difference between a flashing redtraffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?A: The color.Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?A: Heavy psychedelics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry short folks...A man went to apply for a job. After filling out allof his applications, he waited anxiously for theoutcome.The employer read all his applications and said, "Wehave an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," he said, "What is it?""It's called the door!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strange Customs...A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukonwho had never recorded a baptism, confirmation ormarriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation bybaptizing and confirming everyone. He also marriedevery beaming couple that walked by.Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe hadnever had so much fun. The bishop asked the chiefwhich part they enjoyed the most."The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "Weall got new wives!"
Sunday, October 30, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 30th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fire TestJoey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
**************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we a like?"
"You're both old," he said.
********************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
***********************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
**********************************
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
**************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
********************************************
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
***********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helping Sam at Church
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Courage
A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his university. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay on the topic, "What is courage?"
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and turned in the piece of paper.
All he had written was: "This is."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Business TripA husband has to go away on a business trip. Reallybad timing - his wife is about to deliver a set oftwins (boy & girl). Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his planetakes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital.She has a rough labor and it takes a long time torecover her communication skills. But the hospital needs names for the babies beforethey can release them from the hospital. So it's up tothe new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster)to name them. When the husband finally comes home, he is a bitworried about what his brother named his children. Sohe carefully asks his wife what are their names.She replied, "Well, he named our daughter Denise." "Hey, that's not so bad" he says and smiles."I know, but he named your son Denephew!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What do you give a sick pig?A. Oinkment.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DoctorIt was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in themiddle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piledup in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emergedfrom the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's allright honey, I've had a course in first aid."The woman stood up and watched as he took the illman's pulse and prepared to administer artificialrespiration.At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'malready here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. Why did the cake like to play baseball?A. It was a good batter!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What's the name of the snake that joined theCanadian Police force?A. Mountie Python.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What drink do balloons hate?A. Pop!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Day scare centers.What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full ofpiranha fish ? It came back with a skeleton crew !What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin.What does a ghost eat for lunch? A Boo-logna sandwich.Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? Because if they were small and round and smooththey'd be M&Ms.Which story do all little witches love to hear atbedtime? "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.Why don't skeletons go scuba diving? They haven't got the guts.
Fire TestJoey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
**************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we a like?"
"You're both old," he said.
********************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
***********************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
**********************************
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
**************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
********************************************
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
***********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helping Sam at Church
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Courage
A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his university. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay on the topic, "What is courage?"
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and turned in the piece of paper.
All he had written was: "This is."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Business TripA husband has to go away on a business trip. Reallybad timing - his wife is about to deliver a set oftwins (boy & girl). Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his planetakes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital.She has a rough labor and it takes a long time torecover her communication skills. But the hospital needs names for the babies beforethey can release them from the hospital. So it's up tothe new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster)to name them. When the husband finally comes home, he is a bitworried about what his brother named his children. Sohe carefully asks his wife what are their names.She replied, "Well, he named our daughter Denise." "Hey, that's not so bad" he says and smiles."I know, but he named your son Denephew!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What do you give a sick pig?A. Oinkment.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DoctorIt was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in themiddle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piledup in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emergedfrom the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's allright honey, I've had a course in first aid."The woman stood up and watched as he took the illman's pulse and prepared to administer artificialrespiration.At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'malready here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. Why did the cake like to play baseball?A. It was a good batter!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What's the name of the snake that joined theCanadian Police force?A. Mountie Python.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What drink do balloons hate?A. Pop!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Day scare centers.What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full ofpiranha fish ? It came back with a skeleton crew !What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin.What does a ghost eat for lunch? A Boo-logna sandwich.Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? Because if they were small and round and smooththey'd be M&Ms.Which story do all little witches love to hear atbedtime? "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.Why don't skeletons go scuba diving? They haven't got the guts.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 29th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fire TestJoey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
**************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we a like?"
"You're both old," he said.
********************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
***********************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
**********************************
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
**************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
********************************************
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
***********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Fire TestJoey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
**************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we a like?"
"You're both old," he said.
********************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
***********************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
**********************************
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
**************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
********************************************
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
***********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Friday, October 28, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 28th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Self-Consciousness
I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous. However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look.
Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Problem NameThe famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronouncedPeek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete...she is now anurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit ofa large metropolitan hospital. She is not permittedto answer the hospital telephones. It caused too muchconfusion when she would answer the phone and say:Picabo, ICU.
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Self-Consciousness
I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous. However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look.
Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Problem NameThe famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronouncedPeek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete...she is now anurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit ofa large metropolitan hospital. She is not permittedto answer the hospital telephones. It caused too muchconfusion when she would answer the phone and say:Picabo, ICU.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 27th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How Important?I was watching a Brittish detective story on TV. The local group was gathering in their hunting best for a fox hunt. In the opening scene my 9 year old daughter wanted to know what the people were doing, noticing the formal hunting outfits and well groomed horses. I replied that they were looking for a fox. There was a short stunned silence and then she asked: "Is it a very important fox?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife and are approaching our 76th birthdays, and for themost part, we feel fine. A few weeks ago we had just gotteninto bed when I noticed my wife taking an extra amount oftime smoothing out her nightgown, then pulling up the coversand smoothing them out, and then finally going to worksmoothing out her pillow. After watching all this activityfor a while, I finally asked, "What are you doing?""Well," she replied, "I don't like to sleep on wrinkles.""Ha!" I replied. "At our age, how can you avoid it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pet Training
A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly.
For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog!I forgot to watch my dog!"
How Important?I was watching a Brittish detective story on TV. The local group was gathering in their hunting best for a fox hunt. In the opening scene my 9 year old daughter wanted to know what the people were doing, noticing the formal hunting outfits and well groomed horses. I replied that they were looking for a fox. There was a short stunned silence and then she asked: "Is it a very important fox?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife and are approaching our 76th birthdays, and for themost part, we feel fine. A few weeks ago we had just gotteninto bed when I noticed my wife taking an extra amount oftime smoothing out her nightgown, then pulling up the coversand smoothing them out, and then finally going to worksmoothing out her pillow. After watching all this activityfor a while, I finally asked, "What are you doing?""Well," she replied, "I don't like to sleep on wrinkles.""Ha!" I replied. "At our age, how can you avoid it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pet Training
A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly.
For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog!I forgot to watch my dog!"
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 26
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Water HazardA buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet. He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, & even threw two by hand, & the ducks still wouldn't budge. Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, shecouldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the carzoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speedingtrain, and through walls that fell away at the last second,she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily,"Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Government Work
You know you work for the government when:
The process becomes more important than the product.
You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms.
You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance.(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention
You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 30s."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Self-Righteousness
Thanks to List Member Dannette from Ohio for this true story about here son.
When my son was 4, I was in Women's Bible Study Fellowship. They had classes for children as well, while we studied in our groups. One day, as my son and I were walking to our car, my son said to me, "Mom, I'm not going to sin anymore."
You can imagine my pride at hearing this. Then I got to wondering why he said this, so I asked him.
This was his answer: "Jesus said if you don't sin, you can throw the first stone and I want to throw the first stone."
Dannette from Ohio
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Washing Clothes RecipeYears ago a grandmother gave the new bride thefollowing recipe for washing clothes. This is an exactcopy as written and found in an old scrapbook - withspelling errors and all.Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water.Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.Sort things, make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1 pilecolored, 1 pile work britches and rags.To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth,then thin down with boiling water.Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrubhard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil justwrench and starch.Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle,then wrench, and starch.Hang old rags on fence. Spread tea towels on grass.Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hotsoapy water. Turn tubs upside down.Paste this over your washer and dryer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sauce Control CenterBecky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she wasgiving. In her haste, however, she forgot torefrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on thecounter all day. She was worried about spoilage, butit was too late to cook up another batch.She called the local Poison Control Center and voicedher concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauceagain.That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one ofthe guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's facedropped as the guest called out, "It's the PoisonControl Center. They want to know how the spaghettisauce turned out."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After The RainWhatever your cross, whatever your pain,There will always be sunshine after the rain.Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall,But God's always ready to answer your call.He knows every heartache, sees every tear,A word from His lips can calm every fear.Your sorrows may linger throughout the night,But suddenly vanish at dawn's early light.The Savior is waiting somewhere aboveTo give you His grace and send you His love.Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,God always sends rainbows after the rain.Author Unknown
Water HazardA buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet. He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, & even threw two by hand, & the ducks still wouldn't budge. Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, shecouldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the carzoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speedingtrain, and through walls that fell away at the last second,she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily,"Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Government Work
You know you work for the government when:
The process becomes more important than the product.
You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms.
You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance.(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention
You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 30s."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Self-Righteousness
Thanks to List Member Dannette from Ohio for this true story about here son.
When my son was 4, I was in Women's Bible Study Fellowship. They had classes for children as well, while we studied in our groups. One day, as my son and I were walking to our car, my son said to me, "Mom, I'm not going to sin anymore."
You can imagine my pride at hearing this. Then I got to wondering why he said this, so I asked him.
This was his answer: "Jesus said if you don't sin, you can throw the first stone and I want to throw the first stone."
Dannette from Ohio
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Washing Clothes RecipeYears ago a grandmother gave the new bride thefollowing recipe for washing clothes. This is an exactcopy as written and found in an old scrapbook - withspelling errors and all.Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water.Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.Sort things, make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1 pilecolored, 1 pile work britches and rags.To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth,then thin down with boiling water.Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrubhard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil justwrench and starch.Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle,then wrench, and starch.Hang old rags on fence. Spread tea towels on grass.Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hotsoapy water. Turn tubs upside down.Paste this over your washer and dryer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sauce Control CenterBecky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she wasgiving. In her haste, however, she forgot torefrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on thecounter all day. She was worried about spoilage, butit was too late to cook up another batch.She called the local Poison Control Center and voicedher concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauceagain.That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one ofthe guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's facedropped as the guest called out, "It's the PoisonControl Center. They want to know how the spaghettisauce turned out."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After The RainWhatever your cross, whatever your pain,There will always be sunshine after the rain.Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall,But God's always ready to answer your call.He knows every heartache, sees every tear,A word from His lips can calm every fear.Your sorrows may linger throughout the night,But suddenly vanish at dawn's early light.The Savior is waiting somewhere aboveTo give you His grace and send you His love.Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,God always sends rainbows after the rain.Author Unknown
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 25th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sank with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the Garbage man and, knowing that he was not real good on earth, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228"
"That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist. "Hello,please mark William absent today," said the man."Why?" asked the receptionist."He is sick," said the man."Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" asked the receptionist."My uncle," said William.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From British Newspapers
* Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
* Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
* A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
* At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
* Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Hobby Books
BAND PLAYING by Clara Nett
JAZZ MUSIC by Tenna Saxe
CUDDLY TOYS by Ted E. Behr
THE STARS TELL IT ALL by Horace Cope
SCULPTING THE GODS OF GREECE AND ROME by Jove
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday SermonA minister decided that a visual demonstration wouldadd emphasis to his Sunday sermon.Four worms were placed into four separate jars.The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.The second worm was put into a container of cigarettesmoke.The third worm was put into a container of chocolatesyrup.The fourth worm was put into a container of good cleansoil.At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reportedthe following results:The first worm in alcohol - Dead.The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.So the Minister asked the congregation - What can youlearn from this demonstration?A little old woman in the back quickly raised her handand said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eatchocolate, you won't have worms!"Don't you just love little old ladies????
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Go Bananas!After Reading this, you'll NEVER look at a Banana inthe same way again!Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructoseand glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives aninstant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.Research has proven that just two bananas provideenough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. Nowonder the banana is the number one fruit with theworld's leading athletes. But energy isn't the onlyway a banana can help us keep fit. It can also helpovercome or prevent a substantial number of illnessesand conditions, making it a must to add to our dailydiet.Depression: According to a recent survey undertakenby MIND amongst people suffering from depression, manyfelt much better after eating a banana. This isbecause bananas contain tryptophan, a type of proteinthat the body converts into serotonin, known to makeyou relax, improve your mood and generally make youfeel happier. PMS: Forget the pills -- eat a banana. The vitamin B6it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which canaffect your mood. Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate theproduction of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps incases of anemia.Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit isextremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making itthe perfect way to beat blood pressure . So much so,the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowedthe banana industry to make official claims for thefruit's ability to reduce the risk of high bloodpressure and stroke. Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex)school were helped through their exams this year byeating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bidto boost their brain power. Research has shown thatthe potassium-packed fruit can assist learning bymaking pupils more alert.Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in thediet can help restore normal bowel action, helping toovercome the problem without resorting to laxatives. Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing ahangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened withhoney. The banana calms the stomach and, with the helpof the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels,while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect inthe body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eatinga banana for soothing relief.Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between mealshelps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morningsickness.Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bitecream, try rubbing the affected area with the insideof a banana skin. Many people find it amazinglysuccessful at reducing swelling and irritation.Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calmthe nervous system.Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute ofPsychology in Austria found pressure at work leads togorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps.Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers foundthe most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoidpanic-induced food cravings, we need to control ourblood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydratefoods every two hours to keep levels steady.Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food againstintestinal disorders because of its soft texture andsmoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eatenwithout distress in over-chronicler cases. It alsoneutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation bycoating the lining of the stomach.Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananasas a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physicaland emotional temperature of expectant mothers. InThailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas toensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can helpSAD sufferers because they contain the natural moodenhancer tryptophan, like in turkey.Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to giveup smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as thepotassium and magnesium found in them, help the bodyrecover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helpsnormalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain andregulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducingour potassium levels.These can be rebalanced with thehelp of a high-potassium banana snack.Strokes: According to research in The New EnglandJournal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of aregular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes byas much as 40%! So, a banana really is a naturalremedy for many ills, and it tastes good too. When youcompare it to an apple, it has four times the protein,twice the carbohydrates, three times the phosphorus,five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the othervitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassiumand is one of the best value foods around. So maybeits time to change that well-known phrase so that wesay, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sank with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the Garbage man and, knowing that he was not real good on earth, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228"
"That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist. "Hello,please mark William absent today," said the man."Why?" asked the receptionist."He is sick," said the man."Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" asked the receptionist."My uncle," said William.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From British Newspapers
* Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
* Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
* A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
* At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
* Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Hobby Books
BAND PLAYING by Clara Nett
JAZZ MUSIC by Tenna Saxe
CUDDLY TOYS by Ted E. Behr
THE STARS TELL IT ALL by Horace Cope
SCULPTING THE GODS OF GREECE AND ROME by Jove
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Sunday SermonA minister decided that a visual demonstration wouldadd emphasis to his Sunday sermon.Four worms were placed into four separate jars.The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.The second worm was put into a container of cigarettesmoke.The third worm was put into a container of chocolatesyrup.The fourth worm was put into a container of good cleansoil.At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reportedthe following results:The first worm in alcohol - Dead.The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.So the Minister asked the congregation - What can youlearn from this demonstration?A little old woman in the back quickly raised her handand said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eatchocolate, you won't have worms!"Don't you just love little old ladies????
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Go Bananas!After Reading this, you'll NEVER look at a Banana inthe same way again!Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructoseand glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives aninstant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.Research has proven that just two bananas provideenough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. Nowonder the banana is the number one fruit with theworld's leading athletes. But energy isn't the onlyway a banana can help us keep fit. It can also helpovercome or prevent a substantial number of illnessesand conditions, making it a must to add to our dailydiet.Depression: According to a recent survey undertakenby MIND amongst people suffering from depression, manyfelt much better after eating a banana. This isbecause bananas contain tryptophan, a type of proteinthat the body converts into serotonin, known to makeyou relax, improve your mood and generally make youfeel happier. PMS: Forget the pills -- eat a banana. The vitamin B6it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which canaffect your mood. Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate theproduction of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps incases of anemia.Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit isextremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making itthe perfect way to beat blood pressure . So much so,the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowedthe banana industry to make official claims for thefruit's ability to reduce the risk of high bloodpressure and stroke. Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex)school were helped through their exams this year byeating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bidto boost their brain power. Research has shown thatthe potassium-packed fruit can assist learning bymaking pupils more alert.Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in thediet can help restore normal bowel action, helping toovercome the problem without resorting to laxatives. Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing ahangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened withhoney. The banana calms the stomach and, with the helpof the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels,while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect inthe body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eatinga banana for soothing relief.Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between mealshelps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morningsickness.Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bitecream, try rubbing the affected area with the insideof a banana skin. Many people find it amazinglysuccessful at reducing swelling and irritation.Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calmthe nervous system.Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute ofPsychology in Austria found pressure at work leads togorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps.Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers foundthe most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoidpanic-induced food cravings, we need to control ourblood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydratefoods every two hours to keep levels steady.Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food againstintestinal disorders because of its soft texture andsmoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eatenwithout distress in over-chronicler cases. It alsoneutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation bycoating the lining of the stomach.Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananasas a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physicaland emotional temperature of expectant mothers. InThailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas toensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can helpSAD sufferers because they contain the natural moodenhancer tryptophan, like in turkey.Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to giveup smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as thepotassium and magnesium found in them, help the bodyrecover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helpsnormalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain andregulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducingour potassium levels.These can be rebalanced with thehelp of a high-potassium banana snack.Strokes: According to research in The New EnglandJournal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of aregular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes byas much as 40%! So, a banana really is a naturalremedy for many ills, and it tastes good too. When youcompare it to an apple, it has four times the protein,twice the carbohydrates, three times the phosphorus,five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the othervitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassiumand is one of the best value foods around. So maybeits time to change that well-known phrase so that wesay, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
Monday, October 24, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 24th
Traffic StopA traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor trafficviolation. After examining her driver's license insilence for a moment, he said, "You know something?This is one of the finest, most realistic picturesI've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one ofthose vain women who have their photos retouched toremove all the lines in their face.""Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at mythumb-print."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to bereleased first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.12. You no longer think of speed limits as achallenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matterwho walks into the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music. 15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 16. Your investment in health insurance is finallybeginning to pay off. 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists thanthe national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends becausethey can't remember them either. 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down tomanageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
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THE PRODIGAL SON (In the Key of 'F')Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellowforced his fond father to fork over the farthings andflew to foreign fields and frittered his fortune,feasting fabulously with faithless friends.Fleeced by his fellows in flooy, and facing famine, hefound himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard.Fairly famishing, he fain would have filled his framewith foraged food from fodder fragments."Fooey! My father's flunkies fare finer," thefrazzled fugitive forlornly fumbled, frankly facingfacts. Frustrated by failure and filled withforeboding, he fled forthwith to his family. Fallingat his father's feet, he forlornly fumbled, "Father,I've flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor!"The farsighted father, forestalling further flinching,frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch a fatlingfrom the flock and fix a feast.The fugitive's fault-finding brother frowned on fickleforgiveness of former folderol. But the faithfulfather figured, "Filial fidelity is fine, but thefugitive is found! What forbids fervent festivity?Let flags be unfurled. Let fanfares flare"And the father's forgiveness formed the foundation forthe former fugitive's future faith and fortitude.
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Chemlite Arrival
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult. We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied, "Earth."
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to bereleased first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.12. You no longer think of speed limits as achallenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matterwho walks into the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music. 15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 16. Your investment in health insurance is finallybeginning to pay off. 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists thanthe national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends becausethey can't remember them either. 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down tomanageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE PRODIGAL SON (In the Key of 'F')Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellowforced his fond father to fork over the farthings andflew to foreign fields and frittered his fortune,feasting fabulously with faithless friends.Fleeced by his fellows in flooy, and facing famine, hefound himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard.Fairly famishing, he fain would have filled his framewith foraged food from fodder fragments."Fooey! My father's flunkies fare finer," thefrazzled fugitive forlornly fumbled, frankly facingfacts. Frustrated by failure and filled withforeboding, he fled forthwith to his family. Fallingat his father's feet, he forlornly fumbled, "Father,I've flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor!"The farsighted father, forestalling further flinching,frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch a fatlingfrom the flock and fix a feast.The fugitive's fault-finding brother frowned on fickleforgiveness of former folderol. But the faithfulfather figured, "Filial fidelity is fine, but thefugitive is found! What forbids fervent festivity?Let flags be unfurled. Let fanfares flare"And the father's forgiveness formed the foundation forthe former fugitive's future faith and fortitude.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chemlite Arrival
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult. We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied, "Earth."
Sunday, October 23, 2005
hUMOR For Oct 23rd
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Do Not Touch!Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!
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Good Doctors
A fellow was asked if there were any good doctors is his home town. "Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "We have the best doctors in the world. Dr. James Jones is one good doctor; he's great; he saved my life."
"You don't say! How was that?"
"I was very sick and called Dr. Smith. He gave me some medicine and I got very, very ill. I then called Dr. Peters. He gave me more medicine. I got worse - I thought I was going to die.
"Then I called Dr. Jones. He had no time to come. He saved my life."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge."
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Here is today's Illustration. - Joy In the Journey
In a remote village in Central America the word got out among the peoples of the region that one of the American missionaries that had served this country for many years was about to return to the US to live our the remaining years of her life.
The nationals desired to honor her for her years of service with a public time of appreciation. News of the event went to all parts of the country in which the missionary was known to the people. One very old and very poor man walked to the ceremony over mountainous terrain for 4 days to bring his gift to the missionary.
The gift consisted of 2 coconuts, but it was all the man had. The missionary recognized the man as coming from the remote village in the mountains.
"Brother, I cannot believe that you would walk so far to present me with this gift," said the missionary to the man.
His response? "Long walk part of gift."
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City Kids Camping Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. Themosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide undertheir blankets to keep from being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said tohis friend: "we might as well give up, they're comingat us with flashlights!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Cops...A tourist visiting New York City walked into a petshop and was looking at the animals on display. Whilehe was there, a police officer walked in and said tothe shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please."The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the sideof the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with acollar and leash and handed it to the officer saying,"That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked outwith his monkey.Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper andsaid, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of themare only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost somuch?"The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expertin firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month,and is certified in small unit tactics -- well worththe money!"The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage."That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does itdo?""Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrolmonkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basicfirearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physicaltraining, small unit tactics, and investigativetechniques, and it can even type. All the reallyuseful stuff," said the shopkeeper.The tourist looked around for a little longer and sawa third monkey in a large cage of its own. The pricetag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to theshopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the othersput together! What on earth does it do?"The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seenit do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."
Do Not Touch!Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!
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Good Doctors
A fellow was asked if there were any good doctors is his home town. "Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "We have the best doctors in the world. Dr. James Jones is one good doctor; he's great; he saved my life."
"You don't say! How was that?"
"I was very sick and called Dr. Smith. He gave me some medicine and I got very, very ill. I then called Dr. Peters. He gave me more medicine. I got worse - I thought I was going to die.
"Then I called Dr. Jones. He had no time to come. He saved my life."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge."
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Here is today's Illustration. - Joy In the Journey
In a remote village in Central America the word got out among the peoples of the region that one of the American missionaries that had served this country for many years was about to return to the US to live our the remaining years of her life.
The nationals desired to honor her for her years of service with a public time of appreciation. News of the event went to all parts of the country in which the missionary was known to the people. One very old and very poor man walked to the ceremony over mountainous terrain for 4 days to bring his gift to the missionary.
The gift consisted of 2 coconuts, but it was all the man had. The missionary recognized the man as coming from the remote village in the mountains.
"Brother, I cannot believe that you would walk so far to present me with this gift," said the missionary to the man.
His response? "Long walk part of gift."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
City Kids Camping Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. Themosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide undertheir blankets to keep from being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said tohis friend: "we might as well give up, they're comingat us with flashlights!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Cops...A tourist visiting New York City walked into a petshop and was looking at the animals on display. Whilehe was there, a police officer walked in and said tothe shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please."The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the sideof the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with acollar and leash and handed it to the officer saying,"That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked outwith his monkey.Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper andsaid, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of themare only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost somuch?"The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expertin firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month,and is certified in small unit tactics -- well worththe money!"The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage."That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does itdo?""Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrolmonkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basicfirearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physicaltraining, small unit tactics, and investigativetechniques, and it can even type. All the reallyuseful stuff," said the shopkeeper.The tourist looked around for a little longer and sawa third monkey in a large cage of its own. The pricetag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to theshopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the othersput together! What on earth does it do?"The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seenit do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."
Saturday, October 22, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 22nd
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Parking ConcernWhile walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?""No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern."Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
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Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.
Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law
P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery!
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I'm a Moth
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Vegetarian. That's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'" - Andy Rooney
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Prison Library Books
THE GANGSTERS by Robin Steele
MY LIFE IN CRIME by Upton O. Goode
BAD MONEY by Count R. Fitz
YOU ALWAYS GET CAUGHT by Sue Nora Later
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Senior - ityAn older couple is lying in bed one morning, havingjust awakened from a good night's sleep.He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me.""Why not?" he asks.She answers back, "Because I'm dead."The husband says, "What are you talking about? We'reboth lying here in bed together and talking to oneanother."She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makesyou think you're dead?""Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
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More on Seniors...Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin topick up speed.I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it inthe food. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all! Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me,just don't have any film.I always know God won't give me more than I can handlebut there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite somuch. Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.If you look like your passport picture, you probablyneed the trip.Some days are a total waste of makeup.Middle age is when broadness of the mind andnarrowness of the waist change places.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.Junk is something you've kept for years and throw awaythree weeks before you need it.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you torecognize a mistake when you make it again.By the time you can make ends meet, they move theends.Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... youcan't live long enough to make them all yourself. I'vetried!! Have a Wonderful Day!
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Two WolvesOne evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about abattle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow,regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,superiority, and ego.The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,generosity, truth, compassion and faith."The grandson thought about it for a minute and thenasked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else inthe room stops to listen.MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes"WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautifulleather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and sawthe new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "$60,000"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all theoptions."WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house wewanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking$950,000"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but justoffer 900,000."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room arelooking at him in astonishment.Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Parking ConcernWhile walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?""No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern."Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.
Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law
P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm a Moth
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Vegetarian. That's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'" - Andy Rooney
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Prison Library Books
THE GANGSTERS by Robin Steele
MY LIFE IN CRIME by Upton O. Goode
BAD MONEY by Count R. Fitz
YOU ALWAYS GET CAUGHT by Sue Nora Later
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senior - ityAn older couple is lying in bed one morning, havingjust awakened from a good night's sleep.He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me.""Why not?" he asks.She answers back, "Because I'm dead."The husband says, "What are you talking about? We'reboth lying here in bed together and talking to oneanother."She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makesyou think you're dead?""Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
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More on Seniors...Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin topick up speed.I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it inthe food. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all! Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me,just don't have any film.I always know God won't give me more than I can handlebut there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite somuch. Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.If you look like your passport picture, you probablyneed the trip.Some days are a total waste of makeup.Middle age is when broadness of the mind andnarrowness of the waist change places.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.Junk is something you've kept for years and throw awaythree weeks before you need it.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you torecognize a mistake when you make it again.By the time you can make ends meet, they move theends.Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... youcan't live long enough to make them all yourself. I'vetried!! Have a Wonderful Day!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two WolvesOne evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about abattle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow,regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,superiority, and ego.The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,generosity, truth, compassion and faith."The grandson thought about it for a minute and thenasked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else inthe room stops to listen.MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes"WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautifulleather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and sawthe new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "$60,000"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all theoptions."WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house wewanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking$950,000"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but justoffer 900,000."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room arelooking at him in astonishment.Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Friday, October 21, 2005
hUMOR For Oct 21st
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LiL Red Hen (Modern version) Once upon a time, on a farm in Texas, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did.
The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig."I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread! ?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig."If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said thegoose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain. And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle," And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand,"But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared.....as long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for. Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything. IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Under the BedBecause of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises. Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye. It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Under the BedBecause of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises. Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye. It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
She pointed at the oil cap [upside down OIL READS 710]
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Explanation of Life
One day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of
your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I
will
give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years
and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.
On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,
do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life
span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And
God
agreed.
On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the
field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and
give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a
life
span
of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty
years.
How about twenty, and I'll give back the other forty?" And God
agreed
again.
Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play,
marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten
the
dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dining In
My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot. Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three year old and asked her to please drink her milk.
She looked at me bewildered, "But I didn't order milk."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote.
"Kindness is the sun that melts the ice of mistrust and hostility." - Rosie Cash
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If a dog was the teacher you wouldlearn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in yourface to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shadytree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entirebody. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into theguilt thing and pout..! run right back and makefriends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have hadenough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit closeby and nuzzle them gently.
LiL Red Hen (Modern version) Once upon a time, on a farm in Texas, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did.
The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig."I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread! ?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig."If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said thegoose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain. And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle," And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand,"But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared.....as long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for. Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything. IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Under the BedBecause of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises. Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye. It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Under the BedBecause of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises. Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye. It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
She pointed at the oil cap [upside down OIL READS 710]
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Explanation of Life
One day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of
your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I
will
give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years
and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.
On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,
do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life
span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And
God
agreed.
On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the
field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and
give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a
life
span
of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty
years.
How about twenty, and I'll give back the other forty?" And God
agreed
again.
Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play,
marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten
the
dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dining In
My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot. Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three year old and asked her to please drink her milk.
She looked at me bewildered, "But I didn't order milk."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote.
"Kindness is the sun that melts the ice of mistrust and hostility." - Rosie Cash
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If a dog was the teacher you wouldlearn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in yourface to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shadytree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entirebody. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into theguilt thing and pout..! run right back and makefriends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have hadenough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit closeby and nuzzle them gently.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 20th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'4" used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little brother: What do I do now?Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.Little brother: Like this?Big brother: Yeah.Little brother: Now what?Big brother: Hit "ENTER."Little brother: "ENTER"?Big brother: I mean "flush."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Labor Pains
When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point for answering questions about the facts of life.
As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal, he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"
"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
"Wow," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
Do you think chickens find a rubber human funny?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Sandwich
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSIONQ: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolonglife; is this true?A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, andthat's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everythingwears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will notmake you live longer; that's like saying you canextend the life of your car by driving it faster. Wantto live longer? Take a nap.Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits andvegetables?A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does acow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanismof delivering vegetables to your system. Beef is alsoa good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). Need grain? Eat chicken. And a pork chop can giveyou 100% of your recommended daily allowance ofvegetable products.Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, yourratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, yourratio is two to one, etc.Q: What are some of the advantages of participating ina regular exercise program?A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophyis: No Pain...Good!Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these daysin vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a littlesoft around the middle?A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it getsbigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want abigger stomach.Q: Is chocolate bad for me?A: Are you crazy? HELLO!! ..... Cocoa beans! Anothervegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!Q: Is swimming good for your figure?A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whalesto me.Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptionsyou may have had about food and diets.And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to thegrave with the intention of arriving safely in anattractive and well preserved body, but rather to skidin sideways - zinfandel in one hand - sausage dog inthe other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out,and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enough is EnoughOne night recently, my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman's voice asked for Ben. Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn't Ben, and she had a wrong number. The fifth time she called, I had had enough."Hello?" I said."Can I speak to Ben, please?"I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?""Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded."I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."Silence on the other end... a confused silence."Is this Steve?""Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?""Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00."A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!""The girl he went out with.""I know that! I mean... who is she?""I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?""Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't."Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake.""Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'4" used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little brother: What do I do now?Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.Little brother: Like this?Big brother: Yeah.Little brother: Now what?Big brother: Hit "ENTER."Little brother: "ENTER"?Big brother: I mean "flush."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Labor Pains
When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point for answering questions about the facts of life.
As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal, he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"
"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
"Wow," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
Do you think chickens find a rubber human funny?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Sandwich
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSIONQ: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolonglife; is this true?A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, andthat's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everythingwears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will notmake you live longer; that's like saying you canextend the life of your car by driving it faster. Wantto live longer? Take a nap.Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits andvegetables?A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does acow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanismof delivering vegetables to your system. Beef is alsoa good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). Need grain? Eat chicken. And a pork chop can giveyou 100% of your recommended daily allowance ofvegetable products.Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, yourratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, yourratio is two to one, etc.Q: What are some of the advantages of participating ina regular exercise program?A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophyis: No Pain...Good!Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these daysin vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a littlesoft around the middle?A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it getsbigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want abigger stomach.Q: Is chocolate bad for me?A: Are you crazy? HELLO!! ..... Cocoa beans! Anothervegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!Q: Is swimming good for your figure?A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whalesto me.Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptionsyou may have had about food and diets.And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to thegrave with the intention of arriving safely in anattractive and well preserved body, but rather to skidin sideways - zinfandel in one hand - sausage dog inthe other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out,and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enough is EnoughOne night recently, my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman's voice asked for Ben. Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn't Ben, and she had a wrong number. The fifth time she called, I had had enough."Hello?" I said."Can I speak to Ben, please?"I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?""Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded."I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."Silence on the other end... a confused silence."Is this Steve?""Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?""Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00."A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!""The girl he went out with.""I know that! I mean... who is she?""I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?""Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't."Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake.""Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 19th
TactfulSome of the most tactful people on Earth are our English friends. A British office supervisor once called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Home Donations
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"True friends stab you in the front." - Oscar Wilde
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Donna Jacob for today's Illustration. - Rumors
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How to Place New Employees in a Proper DepartmentTake the prospective employees you are trying to place andput them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leavethem alone for two hours, without any instruction. At theend of that time, go back and see what they are doing.If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign themto Finance.If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, sendthem to Consulting.If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spotfor them.If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,Computer Information Systems is their niche.If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined forthe Help Desk.If they mention what a good price we got for the table andchairs, put them into Purchasing.If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come fromrainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.If they are writing up the experience, send them to theTechnical Documents team.If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assignthem to Security.If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, sendthem to Marketing.If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Diary,Last year I replaced all the windows in my house withthose expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.But this week I got a call from the contractor whoinstalled them, complaining that his work had beencompleted a whole year ago, and I had yet to pay forthem.Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blondedoesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talkingsales guy had told me last year: namely, that in oneyear the windows would pay for themselves.There was silence on the other end of the line, so Ijust hung up... and I have not heard back.Guess I won that stupid argument!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TC: Hillary Depressed...A man notices a police officer walking between thelines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window andasks, "Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, soshe stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douseherself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She saysher husband has spent all her money and the Democratstold her to forget about running for President in2008, so we're taking up a collection for her. The stock broker asks, "How much do you have you sofar?" The officer replies "About 75 gallons, but a lot offolks are still siphoning...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stress No MoreBy learning how to manage stress, we can prevent itfrom causing serious problems. Here are some tipsfrom Diabetes Forecast (July 2002): *Get up earlier so you don't have to rush.*Don't gulp lunch at your desk. Take a walk and enjoya change of scenery. You'll be focused and accomplishmore when you get back.*When you start to feel overwhelmed, take a minute tobreathe in and out slowly.*Learn how to meditate and set aside time to do it twoor three times a day.*See a counselor who does cognitive and behavioraltherapy. This kind of therapy zooms right to theheart of the problem. Together, you can identifywhich of your ideas and behaviors worsens your stress,and you work on changing your response to the stress.*Say "no" to demands on your time that would overloadyou. You then have more time for what really matters,such as family. *Get a full night's sleep. Most people need 9 hours!*Make time each week for activities you enjoy. The Unstoppable VirusI thought you would want to know about this e-mailvirus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton orMcAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears toaffect those who were born prior to 1965. Symptoms:1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. donethat!2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sentit to you. who me?5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well shucks!6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. ohno - not again!7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." andI just hate that!8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go Git Yo Mamma
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Home Donations
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"True friends stab you in the front." - Oscar Wilde
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Thanks to Donna Jacob for today's Illustration. - Rumors
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
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How to Place New Employees in a Proper DepartmentTake the prospective employees you are trying to place andput them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leavethem alone for two hours, without any instruction. At theend of that time, go back and see what they are doing.If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign themto Finance.If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, sendthem to Consulting.If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spotfor them.If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,Computer Information Systems is their niche.If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined forthe Help Desk.If they mention what a good price we got for the table andchairs, put them into Purchasing.If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come fromrainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.If they are writing up the experience, send them to theTechnical Documents team.If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assignthem to Security.If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, sendthem to Marketing.If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
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Dear Diary,Last year I replaced all the windows in my house withthose expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.But this week I got a call from the contractor whoinstalled them, complaining that his work had beencompleted a whole year ago, and I had yet to pay forthem.Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blondedoesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talkingsales guy had told me last year: namely, that in oneyear the windows would pay for themselves.There was silence on the other end of the line, so Ijust hung up... and I have not heard back.Guess I won that stupid argument!
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Thanks to TC: Hillary Depressed...A man notices a police officer walking between thelines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window andasks, "Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, soshe stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douseherself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She saysher husband has spent all her money and the Democratstold her to forget about running for President in2008, so we're taking up a collection for her. The stock broker asks, "How much do you have you sofar?" The officer replies "About 75 gallons, but a lot offolks are still siphoning...
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Stress No MoreBy learning how to manage stress, we can prevent itfrom causing serious problems. Here are some tipsfrom Diabetes Forecast (July 2002): *Get up earlier so you don't have to rush.*Don't gulp lunch at your desk. Take a walk and enjoya change of scenery. You'll be focused and accomplishmore when you get back.*When you start to feel overwhelmed, take a minute tobreathe in and out slowly.*Learn how to meditate and set aside time to do it twoor three times a day.*See a counselor who does cognitive and behavioraltherapy. This kind of therapy zooms right to theheart of the problem. Together, you can identifywhich of your ideas and behaviors worsens your stress,and you work on changing your response to the stress.*Say "no" to demands on your time that would overloadyou. You then have more time for what really matters,such as family. *Get a full night's sleep. Most people need 9 hours!*Make time each week for activities you enjoy. The Unstoppable VirusI thought you would want to know about this e-mailvirus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton orMcAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears toaffect those who were born prior to 1965. Symptoms:1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. donethat!2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sentit to you. who me?5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well shucks!6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. ohno - not again!7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." andI just hate that!8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
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Go Git Yo Mamma
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
hUMOR For Oct 18th
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Dear Diary,Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with thoseexpensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.But this week I got a call from the contractor who installedthem, complaining that his work had been completed a wholeyear ago, and I had yet to pay for them.Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blondedoesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guyhad told me last year: namely, that in one year the windowswould pay for themselves.There was silence on the other end of the line, so I justhung up... and I have not heard back.Guess I won that stupid argument!
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Skim MilkTo help a friend lose weight, I told her that sheshould switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk.When she said her family would drink only whole milk,I suggested that she keep their regular container andrefill it with skim milk. This worked for quite awhile, until her daughter asked one morning whetherthe milk was okay."Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she hadbeen found out. "Why do you ask?"The daughter explained, "Well, according to theexpiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
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How Smart Is YourRight Foot?This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. Andyou will keep trying it to see if you can outsmartyour foot. But you can't!!!1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right footoff the floor and make clockwise circles with it.2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in theair with your right hand. Your foot will changedirection!!!I told you so... And there is nothing you can do aboutit.
Dear Diary,Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with thoseexpensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.But this week I got a call from the contractor who installedthem, complaining that his work had been completed a wholeyear ago, and I had yet to pay for them.Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blondedoesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guyhad told me last year: namely, that in one year the windowswould pay for themselves.There was silence on the other end of the line, so I justhung up... and I have not heard back.Guess I won that stupid argument!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Skim MilkTo help a friend lose weight, I told her that sheshould switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk.When she said her family would drink only whole milk,I suggested that she keep their regular container andrefill it with skim milk. This worked for quite awhile, until her daughter asked one morning whetherthe milk was okay."Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she hadbeen found out. "Why do you ask?"The daughter explained, "Well, according to theexpiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How Smart Is YourRight Foot?This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. Andyou will keep trying it to see if you can outsmartyour foot. But you can't!!!1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right footoff the floor and make clockwise circles with it.2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in theair with your right hand. Your foot will changedirection!!!I told you so... And there is nothing you can do aboutit.
Monday, October 17, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 17th
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EVERYTHING HAS A GENDEREVERYTHING HAS A GENDER You may not know this but manynonliving things have a gender. 1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everythingin, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; ittakes a while to warm them up again. It's an effectivereproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's oftenover-inflated. 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to goanywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and ofcourse, there's the hot air part. 5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft,squeezable and retain water. 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always gettinghit on. 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same oldlines to pick people up. 8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, theweight shifts to the bottom. 9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed muchover the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to havearound. 10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'dbe male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives aman pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while hedoesn't always know the right buttons to push, hekeeps trying!
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Some fuel-saving advice from a friend... What's theideal speed for maximum fuel efficiency? According to this chart from Eartheasy.com, the mostfuel-efficient speed for your car is roughly 55 mph,or 90 km/h. Increasing your speed from 55 mph to 75mph increases your fuel consumption a stunning 20percent, and that's not good! You can boost yourvehicle's fuel efficiency by as much as 30 percentsimply by keeping it well maintained and driving itcorrectly. Here are a few suggestions: Avoid jackrabbit starts, tailgating, or pumping thegas pedal.Starts and stops increase fuel consumptiondramatically.Take advantage of cruise control whenever possible --driving at a steady speed saves fuel.Try to avoid idling your car for more than a minute.Keep your tires inflated and switch to radial, if youhaven't already. Reduce drag by keeping your windows rolled up,removing unused bike racks, and emptying your trunk. Optimal fuel efficiency varies from car to car, socheck your manual for more suggestions. The best option, of course, is simply to drive less.You can do this by planning trips ahead of time toavoid peak traffic hours or doing your errands alittle closer to home.
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26 Beautiful One-liners (more orless... actually, less)1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's wayleads to an endless hope.3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be acomma--but never let him be the period.6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the churchfor a faithft.8. When praying, don't give God instructions - justreport for duty.9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you tochurch.10. We don't change God's message -- His messagechanges us.11. The church is prayer-conditioned.12 When God ordains, He sustains.13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah builtthe ark.15. Most people want to serve God, but only in anadvisory position.16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on yourBible.17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always wantto drive.19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.20. Compassion is difficult to give away because itkeeps coming back.21. He who angers you controls you.22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives candevelop.23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out ofyou.
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How To Photograph A New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
EVERYTHING HAS A GENDEREVERYTHING HAS A GENDER You may not know this but manynonliving things have a gender. 1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everythingin, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; ittakes a while to warm them up again. It's an effectivereproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's oftenover-inflated. 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to goanywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and ofcourse, there's the hot air part. 5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft,squeezable and retain water. 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always gettinghit on. 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same oldlines to pick people up. 8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, theweight shifts to the bottom. 9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed muchover the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to havearound. 10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'dbe male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives aman pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while hedoesn't always know the right buttons to push, hekeeps trying!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some fuel-saving advice from a friend... What's theideal speed for maximum fuel efficiency? According to this chart from Eartheasy.com, the mostfuel-efficient speed for your car is roughly 55 mph,or 90 km/h. Increasing your speed from 55 mph to 75mph increases your fuel consumption a stunning 20percent, and that's not good! You can boost yourvehicle's fuel efficiency by as much as 30 percentsimply by keeping it well maintained and driving itcorrectly. Here are a few suggestions: Avoid jackrabbit starts, tailgating, or pumping thegas pedal.Starts and stops increase fuel consumptiondramatically.Take advantage of cruise control whenever possible --driving at a steady speed saves fuel.Try to avoid idling your car for more than a minute.Keep your tires inflated and switch to radial, if youhaven't already. Reduce drag by keeping your windows rolled up,removing unused bike racks, and emptying your trunk. Optimal fuel efficiency varies from car to car, socheck your manual for more suggestions. The best option, of course, is simply to drive less.You can do this by planning trips ahead of time toavoid peak traffic hours or doing your errands alittle closer to home.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
26 Beautiful One-liners (more orless... actually, less)1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's wayleads to an endless hope.3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be acomma--but never let him be the period.6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the churchfor a faithft.8. When praying, don't give God instructions - justreport for duty.9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you tochurch.10. We don't change God's message -- His messagechanges us.11. The church is prayer-conditioned.12 When God ordains, He sustains.13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah builtthe ark.15. Most people want to serve God, but only in anadvisory position.16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on yourBible.17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always wantto drive.19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.20. Compassion is difficult to give away because itkeeps coming back.21. He who angers you controls you.22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives candevelop.23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out ofyou.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How To Photograph A New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 16th
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Play On WordsThose who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.A hangover is the wrath of grapes.Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is twotired.Definition of a will: A dead give away.In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your countvotes.She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg butbroke it off.A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fullyrecovered.You get stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.Every calendar's days are numbered.A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and ittaint mine.A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is asmall medium at large.Those who get too big for their britches will beexposed in the end.Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen amall.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-dough basis.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.Acupuncture is a jab well done.Humility... is a perpetual quietness of heart.
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A Must readOne evening an old man told his grandson about abattle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all. One isEvil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow, regret,greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,inferiority, lies, false, pride, superiority, and ego.The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,generosity, truth, compassion and faith." The grandson thought about it for a minute and thenasked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
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Awareness TestTwo paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window."Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
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Sibling Takes
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"The darkest hour only has 60 minutes."
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Here is today's Illustration. - Racism
On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, " You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin:
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues...
"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."
Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said:
"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man was escorted up to the front of the plane.
Play On WordsThose who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.A hangover is the wrath of grapes.Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is twotired.Definition of a will: A dead give away.In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your countvotes.She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg butbroke it off.A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fullyrecovered.You get stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.Every calendar's days are numbered.A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and ittaint mine.A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is asmall medium at large.Those who get too big for their britches will beexposed in the end.Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen amall.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-dough basis.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.Acupuncture is a jab well done.Humility... is a perpetual quietness of heart.
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A Must readOne evening an old man told his grandson about abattle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all. One isEvil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow, regret,greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,inferiority, lies, false, pride, superiority, and ego.The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,generosity, truth, compassion and faith." The grandson thought about it for a minute and thenasked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awareness TestTwo paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window."Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sibling Takes
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"The darkest hour only has 60 minutes."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Racism
On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, " You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin:
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues...
"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."
Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said:
"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man was escorted up to the front of the plane.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
hUMOR For Oct, 15th
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SocksWhen I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."Relieved, I started to ring up the sale, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."
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Here are some fun Tongue Twisters:Twister Shorties: (say 'em a few times)Greek grapes.Red lorry, yellow lorry.Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?Unique New York. Many an anemone sees an enemyanemone.Freshly-fried flying fish.The epitome of femininity.Common Twisters:She sells seashells by the seashore.The shells she sells are surely seashells.So if she sells shells on the seashore,I'm sure she sells seashore shells.Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers,Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piperpicked?How much wood would a woodchuck chuckIf a woodchuck could chuck wood?He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,And chuck as much as a woodchuck wouldIf a woodchuck could chuck wood.Tongue Twister Poems:Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesawBefore Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's sawBefore See sawed Soar's seesaw,See's saw would not have sawedSoar's seesaw.So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sorejust because See's saw sawedSoar's seesaw.Betty Botter had some butter,"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.If I bake this bitter butter,It would make my batter bitter.But a bit of better butter,That would make my batter better."So she bought a bit of butter -Better than her bitter butter -And she baked it in her batter;And the batter was not bitter.So 'twas better Betty BotterBought a bit of better butter.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No offence to Texans, but - You Know You're from Texaswhen:You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranchdressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.You design your Halloween costume to fit over WranglerJeans and Cowboy Boots.The mosquitoes have landing lights.You have more miles on your tractor than your car.You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was90 degrees outside.Driving is better after it's rained because thepotholes are filled with mud and you don't have totake those backroads to go "mudding."You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.The local paper covers national and internationalheadlines on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6pages for local sports.You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2Hungr-Busters and fries.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meatprocessing plant.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.You think the start of Deer season is a nationalholiday.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, sothe coyotes won't prowl on your deck.You know which leaves make good toilet paper.The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it'ssausage making.You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, yourfinest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, StillSummer, and Deer Season.You actually understand these jokes and forward themto all your Texan and Yankee friends.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mess Cake
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat," he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."
The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Peanuts
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Spike,I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter tobreak off her engagement to you. Will you forgive andforget?I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, andpierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really thatdangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way Idid to the fact that you have never held a job.I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live underthe bridge in the park.Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you insteadof going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all,you can't learn everything about life from books. Isometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was afool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my fullblessing to marry my daughter.Sincerely,Your future father-in-lawP. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests the electronics of the car be removed down to its parts and then try to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that may be the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again? Maybe it'll work!?"
SocksWhen I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."Relieved, I started to ring up the sale, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here are some fun Tongue Twisters:Twister Shorties: (say 'em a few times)Greek grapes.Red lorry, yellow lorry.Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?Unique New York. Many an anemone sees an enemyanemone.Freshly-fried flying fish.The epitome of femininity.Common Twisters:She sells seashells by the seashore.The shells she sells are surely seashells.So if she sells shells on the seashore,I'm sure she sells seashore shells.Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers,Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piperpicked?How much wood would a woodchuck chuckIf a woodchuck could chuck wood?He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,And chuck as much as a woodchuck wouldIf a woodchuck could chuck wood.Tongue Twister Poems:Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesawBefore Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's sawBefore See sawed Soar's seesaw,See's saw would not have sawedSoar's seesaw.So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sorejust because See's saw sawedSoar's seesaw.Betty Botter had some butter,"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.If I bake this bitter butter,It would make my batter bitter.But a bit of better butter,That would make my batter better."So she bought a bit of butter -Better than her bitter butter -And she baked it in her batter;And the batter was not bitter.So 'twas better Betty BotterBought a bit of better butter.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No offence to Texans, but - You Know You're from Texaswhen:You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranchdressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.You design your Halloween costume to fit over WranglerJeans and Cowboy Boots.The mosquitoes have landing lights.You have more miles on your tractor than your car.You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was90 degrees outside.Driving is better after it's rained because thepotholes are filled with mud and you don't have totake those backroads to go "mudding."You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.The local paper covers national and internationalheadlines on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6pages for local sports.You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2Hungr-Busters and fries.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meatprocessing plant.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.You think the start of Deer season is a nationalholiday.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, sothe coyotes won't prowl on your deck.You know which leaves make good toilet paper.The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it'ssausage making.You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, yourfinest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, StillSummer, and Deer Season.You actually understand these jokes and forward themto all your Texan and Yankee friends.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mess Cake
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat," he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."
The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Peanuts
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Spike,I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter tobreak off her engagement to you. Will you forgive andforget?I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, andpierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really thatdangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way Idid to the fact that you have never held a job.I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live underthe bridge in the park.Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you insteadof going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all,you can't learn everything about life from books. Isometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was afool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my fullblessing to marry my daughter.Sincerely,Your future father-in-lawP. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests the electronics of the car be removed down to its parts and then try to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that may be the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again? Maybe it'll work!?"
Friday, October 14, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 14th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to thehospital.The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife. Hesaid, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress.If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a veryshort time."The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-free environmentin your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderful mealsfor him every day. Also, you must be sure that you don't naghim or stress him in any way."On the drive home from the hospital, her husband asked, "Sowhat's wrong with me, honey?"The woman paused for a moment and then replied, "Sorry,honey, but you're going to die."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Resume Examples
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Many eyes go through the meadow, but few see the flowers in it." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life Experience
A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her driver's license and offered to take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, "What grade, miss?"
"Eleventh!" she replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Epitaphs*****************************Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft tosee if the car was on the way down. It was.******************************In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:Here lies an AtheistAll dressed upAnd no place to go.******************************On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East DalhousieCemetery, Nova Scotia:Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.The Good Die Young.******************************In a London, England cemetery:Here lies Ann Mann,Who lived an old maidBut died an old Mann.Dec. 8, 1767*****************************In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace:The children of Israel wanted bread,And the Lord sent them manna.Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,And the Devil sent him Anna.******************************In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:Here lies Johnny Yeast.Pardon meFor not rising.******************************In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.Stepped on the gasInstead of the brake.******************************In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:Here lays The Kid.We planted him raw.He was quick on the triggerBut slow on the draw.******************************A lawyer's epitaph in England:Sir John Strange.Here lies an honest lawyer,And that is Strange.******************************John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England,cemetery:Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.******************************In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:On the 22nd of June,Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.******************************Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, VermontHere lies the body of our Anna -Done to death by a banana.It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,But the skin of the thing that made her go.******************************On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:Under the sod and under the trees,Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.He is not here, there's only the pod.Pease shelled out and went to God.******************************In a cemetery in England:Remember man, as you walk by,As you are now, so once was I.As I am now, so shall you be.Remember this and follow me.To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:To follow you I'll not consentUntil I know which way you went.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All In The Family...What's your father's occupation?" asked the schoolsecretary on the first day of registration."He's a magician," said the new boy."How exciting. What's his best trick?""He saws people in half.""How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers orsisters?""Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."
A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to thehospital.The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife. Hesaid, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress.If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a veryshort time."The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-free environmentin your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderful mealsfor him every day. Also, you must be sure that you don't naghim or stress him in any way."On the drive home from the hospital, her husband asked, "Sowhat's wrong with me, honey?"The woman paused for a moment and then replied, "Sorry,honey, but you're going to die."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Resume Examples
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Many eyes go through the meadow, but few see the flowers in it." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life Experience
A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her driver's license and offered to take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, "What grade, miss?"
"Eleventh!" she replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Epitaphs*****************************Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft tosee if the car was on the way down. It was.******************************In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:Here lies an AtheistAll dressed upAnd no place to go.******************************On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East DalhousieCemetery, Nova Scotia:Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.The Good Die Young.******************************In a London, England cemetery:Here lies Ann Mann,Who lived an old maidBut died an old Mann.Dec. 8, 1767*****************************In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace:The children of Israel wanted bread,And the Lord sent them manna.Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,And the Devil sent him Anna.******************************In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:Here lies Johnny Yeast.Pardon meFor not rising.******************************In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.Stepped on the gasInstead of the brake.******************************In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:Here lays The Kid.We planted him raw.He was quick on the triggerBut slow on the draw.******************************A lawyer's epitaph in England:Sir John Strange.Here lies an honest lawyer,And that is Strange.******************************John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England,cemetery:Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.******************************In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:On the 22nd of June,Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.******************************Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, VermontHere lies the body of our Anna -Done to death by a banana.It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,But the skin of the thing that made her go.******************************On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:Under the sod and under the trees,Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.He is not here, there's only the pod.Pease shelled out and went to God.******************************In a cemetery in England:Remember man, as you walk by,As you are now, so once was I.As I am now, so shall you be.Remember this and follow me.To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:To follow you I'll not consentUntil I know which way you went.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All In The Family...What's your father's occupation?" asked the schoolsecretary on the first day of registration."He's a magician," said the new boy."How exciting. What's his best trick?""He saws people in half.""How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers orsisters?""Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."
Thursday, October 13, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 13th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wine SecretThe secret to enjoying a good wine is:1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old Goats
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The European Union commissioners have announced thatagreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferredlanguage for European communications, rather than German,which was the other possibility. As part of thenegotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that Englishspelling had some room for improvement and has accepted afive-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish(Euro for short).European officials have often pointed out that Englishspelling is unnecessarily difficult -- for example, cough,plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly neededis a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies.The program would, of course, be administered by a committeestaff at top level by participating nations.In the first year, for example, the committee would suggestusing 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servantsin all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then thehard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters arepronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion inthe minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be madewith one less letter.There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year,it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' wouldhenseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kanbe expekted to reash the stage where more komplikatedshanges are possible. Governments would enkourage theremoval of double letters, which have always been a deterentto akurate speling.We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in thelanguag is disgrasful. Therfor we kould drop thes andkontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. Bythis tim it would be four years sins the skem began andpeopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, zeunesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'.Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinationsof leters.Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav areli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mortrubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understandech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The storeowner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The storeowner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was sitting in a cafeteria next to a blonde woman who was
engrossed in her newspaper.
The bold headline read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news.
Then turning to the man she asked,
"How many is a Brazilian?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New DictionaryWhile I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supples. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'" He got his new dictionary.
Wine SecretThe secret to enjoying a good wine is:1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old Goats
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The European Union commissioners have announced thatagreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferredlanguage for European communications, rather than German,which was the other possibility. As part of thenegotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that Englishspelling had some room for improvement and has accepted afive-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish(Euro for short).European officials have often pointed out that Englishspelling is unnecessarily difficult -- for example, cough,plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly neededis a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies.The program would, of course, be administered by a committeestaff at top level by participating nations.In the first year, for example, the committee would suggestusing 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servantsin all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then thehard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters arepronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion inthe minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be madewith one less letter.There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year,it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' wouldhenseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kanbe expekted to reash the stage where more komplikatedshanges are possible. Governments would enkourage theremoval of double letters, which have always been a deterentto akurate speling.We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in thelanguag is disgrasful. Therfor we kould drop thes andkontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. Bythis tim it would be four years sins the skem began andpeopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, zeunesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'.Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinationsof leters.Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav areli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mortrubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understandech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The storeowner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The storeowner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was sitting in a cafeteria next to a blonde woman who was
engrossed in her newspaper.
The bold headline read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news.
Then turning to the man she asked,
"How many is a Brazilian?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New DictionaryWhile I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supples. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'" He got his new dictionary.
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