*****************************
Cat Petting
We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets at our apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could find a place that would let us keep him.
One day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating. He reached down to pet him and while he was petting him he looked over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting. Looking back around to see what he was petting he realized that it was a raccoon that had came up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"I ran out of ice cream bars the other day, and I cried. Then I remembered Alexander the Great, and how he wept when there were no more worlds to conquer. How very much alike we are, I thought." - Michael Thompson
********************************
Thanks to Lee Quinn for today's Illustration. - Advice
A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."
Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."
The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."
"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."
********************************
Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though
they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of
the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With apologies to the late Charles
Schulz:
Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in
manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.
Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item
on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is
actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.
Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.
Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.
Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Babboo. Sells Mary Kay.
Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her
fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."
Snoopy:
In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've
happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy
Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory.
********************************
A blonde to a long-distance telephone operator: "Could
you please tell me the time difference between Taipei
and Las Vegas?"
Operator: "Just a minute..."
Blonde: "Thank you," and with that she hung up.
********************************
TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PREACHER
NEEDS A VACATION
7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday
morning are "alright, listen up you heathens..."
6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.
5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda
Shorts and a Tank Top
4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why
can't they just leave me alone?!"
3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand
Canyon
2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your
heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal
problem to me."
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PREACHER NEEDS A VACATION
1. For the past two months he has preached the same
sermon every Sunday.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 29th
********************************
Dogs
** If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
** In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog to worship him and a cat to ignore him.
** Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
** Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
** When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
** Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time." - Willie Tyler
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Dolphin
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd por- poise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."
********************************
From a preacher's list:
The population of this country is 237 million. 104
million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the
work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48
million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million
employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million
to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from
the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the
work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in
hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now,
there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves
just two people to do the work. You and me. No wonder
we're so tired.
********************************
From JokesEveryDay:
Top Ten NOT Surprising Facts About The Average Parent
10. The average parent has eaten their weight in Girl
Scout cookies.
9. The average parent has at least two backup recipes
for play-doh.
8. The average parent has Pizza Hut on speed dial.
7. The average parent has prepared more than 10,000
servings of macaroni and cheese.
6. The average parent unconsciously hums at least
three children's show theme songs a day.
5. The average parent can take construction paper,
glue, pudding cups and aluminum foil and make a
delightful Thanksgiving centerpiece.
4. The average parent can produce from their
pocket/purse at least 12 legos, 3 hot wheels cars, and
a Barbie shoe at any given time.
3. The average parent has at least one child induced
stain on the clothing they are currently wearing.
2. The average parent secretly hopes that whoever
thought up 3 months for summer vacation gets
attacked by a pack of marauding wolverines.
1. The average parent knows that a suspiciously
sweet, "Mommy, I love you" means, "I have just
decorated your new headboard/carpet/dress/suit with
all your makeup."
********************************
Think you know
everything?
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the
typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both
eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New
Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English
language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over
the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are
stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple. (For number 11....I
still say a child trying to say once, but with a lisp.
It is said wunth that rhymes with month. Perhaps no
single word rhymes with orange. But using poetic
license to use two words, (Which is acceptable),
someone could "duck OR CRINGE. Another would be
"whether town OR RANGE.What do you think? L.B.S.)
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room
during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one
syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language
which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous,
stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra
Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street
were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi
driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not
allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher
walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in
his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is (was -- now deceased) an ordained
minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed
with only the left hand. ...now you know
everything....You could be a TEENAGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
********************************
YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN THIS BEFORE BUT I HAD TOO AND ... I LAUGHED AGAIN!
Subject: Maturity
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?--- I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're sure right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.---Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.---THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
Dogs
** If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
** In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog to worship him and a cat to ignore him.
** Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
** Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
** When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
** Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time." - Willie Tyler
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Dolphin
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd por- poise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."
********************************
From a preacher's list:
The population of this country is 237 million. 104
million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the
work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48
million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million
employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million
to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from
the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the
work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in
hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now,
there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves
just two people to do the work. You and me. No wonder
we're so tired.
********************************
From JokesEveryDay:
Top Ten NOT Surprising Facts About The Average Parent
10. The average parent has eaten their weight in Girl
Scout cookies.
9. The average parent has at least two backup recipes
for play-doh.
8. The average parent has Pizza Hut on speed dial.
7. The average parent has prepared more than 10,000
servings of macaroni and cheese.
6. The average parent unconsciously hums at least
three children's show theme songs a day.
5. The average parent can take construction paper,
glue, pudding cups and aluminum foil and make a
delightful Thanksgiving centerpiece.
4. The average parent can produce from their
pocket/purse at least 12 legos, 3 hot wheels cars, and
a Barbie shoe at any given time.
3. The average parent has at least one child induced
stain on the clothing they are currently wearing.
2. The average parent secretly hopes that whoever
thought up 3 months for summer vacation gets
attacked by a pack of marauding wolverines.
1. The average parent knows that a suspiciously
sweet, "Mommy, I love you" means, "I have just
decorated your new headboard/carpet/dress/suit with
all your makeup."
********************************
Think you know
everything?
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the
typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both
eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New
Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English
language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over
the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are
stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple. (For number 11....I
still say a child trying to say once, but with a lisp.
It is said wunth that rhymes with month. Perhaps no
single word rhymes with orange. But using poetic
license to use two words, (Which is acceptable),
someone could "duck OR CRINGE. Another would be
"whether town OR RANGE.What do you think? L.B.S.)
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room
during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one
syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language
which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous,
stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra
Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street
were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi
driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not
allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher
walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in
his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is (was -- now deceased) an ordained
minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed
with only the left hand. ...now you know
everything....You could be a TEENAGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
********************************
YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN THIS BEFORE BUT I HAD TOO AND ... I LAUGHED AGAIN!
Subject: Maturity
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?--- I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're sure right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.---Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.---THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
hUMOR For Sept 28th
********************************
Stern Announcement
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - St. Andreas
One of the more important of the Patron Saints is St. Andreas (in Spanish - San Andreas)... The patron saint of generosity.
In fact, people say he was generous to a fault.
********************************
A man in a blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the
rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around, vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man would not reach up.
Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked with compassion, "what is your
profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue suit.
"Please, sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.
The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, my friends..."
********************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
********************************
Bad Trip
My co-worker at the travel agency needed to send a letter of apology
to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to
finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug
out the letter I'd written then.
"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the
date, and the name."
She looked it over and smiled, then said, "We won't even need to
change the name."
Stern Announcement
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - St. Andreas
One of the more important of the Patron Saints is St. Andreas (in Spanish - San Andreas)... The patron saint of generosity.
In fact, people say he was generous to a fault.
********************************
A man in a blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the
rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around, vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man would not reach up.
Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked with compassion, "what is your
profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue suit.
"Please, sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.
The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, my friends..."
********************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
********************************
Bad Trip
My co-worker at the travel agency needed to send a letter of apology
to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to
finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug
out the letter I'd written then.
"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the
date, and the name."
She looked it over and smiled, then said, "We won't even need to
change the name."
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 27th
Not sounding anything like my name, I asked, "Who is calling?
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer company or something like that, so I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned, and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position at work and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
********************************
Two landscapers were working diligently alongside the
streets of a huge office complex. One would dig a hole and
the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of a street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose
it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man
team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in
sick."
********************************
Road To Easy Street
HOW TO MAKE A TOURNIQUET by Hank R. Schiff
HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS by Mel. N. Collie
CALM DOWN by Ed. G. Nerves
KNOCKING YOUR FUNNY BONE by Howard Hertz
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking - in fact, it's almost as bad as second-hand meat.
********************************
Wanted People:
Who are as interested in the church on Sunday and
Wednesday nights as they are on Sunday morning.
Who are as liberal with their money as with their
advice.
Who are willing to deny themselves in order to serve
God.
Who love God more than pleasure (2 Timothy 3:4).
Who are not only church members but also workers.
Who are willing to let church work interfere with
their work and pleasure.
Who are willing to spend at least half as much of
their time studying the Bible as they do watching
television.
Who can be half as enthusiastic about a gospel meeting
as about the World Series or the Super Bowl.
Who are as anxious to tell others the good news of the
gospel as they are to tell them the latest gossip.
Who are willing to practice in their lives what they
say they believe in their hearts.
Who aspire to be leaders in the church purely for the
good they can do for others and the greater service
they can render to God.
Who can object to something without becoming
objectionable, and who can disagree without becoming disagreeable.
-Author Unknown
********************************
-QUARTERBACK SNEAK: Church members quietly leaving
during the invitation.
-DRAW PLAY: What many children do with the bulletin
during worship.
-HALF-TIME: The period between Sunday School and
worship when many choose to leave.
-BENCHWARMER: Those who do not sing, pray, work, or
apparently do anything but sit.
-BACKFIELD IN MOTION: Making a trip to the back
(restroom or water fountain) during the service.
-STAYING IN THE POCKET: What happens to a lot of money
that should be given to the Lord's work.
-TWO MINUTE WARNING: The point at which you realize
the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your
children and belongings.
-INSTANT REPLAY: The preacher loses his notes and
falls back on last week's illustrations.
-SUDDEN DEATH: What happens to the attention span of
the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
-TRAP: You're called on to pray and are asleep.
-END RUN: Getting out of church quick, without
speaking to any guest or fellow member.
-FLEX DEFENSE: The ability to allow absolutely nothing
said during the sermon to affect your life.
-HALFBACK OPTION: The decision of 50% of the
congregation not to return for the evening service.
-BLITZ: The rush for the restaurants following the
closing prayer.
********************************
Medicare could not give this advice. Too much common sense!
**************************
The phone rang. The lady of the house answered---"Yes?""Mrs. Ward, please.""Speaking.""Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. Whenyour Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples fromanother Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one isyour husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.""What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked."Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other forAIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is.""That's terrible! Can we do the tests over?" questioned Mrs. Ward."Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more thanonce.""Well, what am I supposed to do now?""The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in themiddle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!!"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer company or something like that, so I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned, and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position at work and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
********************************
Two landscapers were working diligently alongside the
streets of a huge office complex. One would dig a hole and
the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of a street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose
it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man
team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in
sick."
********************************
Road To Easy Street
HOW TO MAKE A TOURNIQUET by Hank R. Schiff
HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS by Mel. N. Collie
CALM DOWN by Ed. G. Nerves
KNOCKING YOUR FUNNY BONE by Howard Hertz
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking - in fact, it's almost as bad as second-hand meat.
********************************
Wanted People:
Who are as interested in the church on Sunday and
Wednesday nights as they are on Sunday morning.
Who are as liberal with their money as with their
advice.
Who are willing to deny themselves in order to serve
God.
Who love God more than pleasure (2 Timothy 3:4).
Who are not only church members but also workers.
Who are willing to let church work interfere with
their work and pleasure.
Who are willing to spend at least half as much of
their time studying the Bible as they do watching
television.
Who can be half as enthusiastic about a gospel meeting
as about the World Series or the Super Bowl.
Who are as anxious to tell others the good news of the
gospel as they are to tell them the latest gossip.
Who are willing to practice in their lives what they
say they believe in their hearts.
Who aspire to be leaders in the church purely for the
good they can do for others and the greater service
they can render to God.
Who can object to something without becoming
objectionable, and who can disagree without becoming disagreeable.
-Author Unknown
********************************
-QUARTERBACK SNEAK: Church members quietly leaving
during the invitation.
-DRAW PLAY: What many children do with the bulletin
during worship.
-HALF-TIME: The period between Sunday School and
worship when many choose to leave.
-BENCHWARMER: Those who do not sing, pray, work, or
apparently do anything but sit.
-BACKFIELD IN MOTION: Making a trip to the back
(restroom or water fountain) during the service.
-STAYING IN THE POCKET: What happens to a lot of money
that should be given to the Lord's work.
-TWO MINUTE WARNING: The point at which you realize
the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your
children and belongings.
-INSTANT REPLAY: The preacher loses his notes and
falls back on last week's illustrations.
-SUDDEN DEATH: What happens to the attention span of
the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
-TRAP: You're called on to pray and are asleep.
-END RUN: Getting out of church quick, without
speaking to any guest or fellow member.
-FLEX DEFENSE: The ability to allow absolutely nothing
said during the sermon to affect your life.
-HALFBACK OPTION: The decision of 50% of the
congregation not to return for the evening service.
-BLITZ: The rush for the restaurants following the
closing prayer.
********************************
Medicare could not give this advice. Too much common sense!
**************************
The phone rang. The lady of the house answered---"Yes?""Mrs. Ward, please.""Speaking.""Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. Whenyour Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples fromanother Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one isyour husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.""What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked."Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other forAIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is.""That's terrible! Can we do the tests over?" questioned Mrs. Ward."Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more thanonce.""Well, what am I supposed to do now?""The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in themiddle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!!"
Monday, September 26, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 26th
********************************
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Tennessee recently with
two
ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its
fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch
those
fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must
understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let
them
swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into
this here ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish! can't do that! says the warden.
The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,
"It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really
works."
"Okay," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"
"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
We in Tennessee may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
aren't as dumb as most government employees.
********************************
"Fog Mail"
The company psychiatrist was interviewing the young
blonde. As she sat in the chair, the psychiatrist
asked a series of questions to determine if she was
emotionally suitable for the company. Things were not
going well for the young blonde.
The psychiatrist decided to try a new approach, to
give the blonde one last chance. He asked, "if you
could have a conversation with someone, living or
dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
********************************
Dear Dogs,
When I say to move it means go someplace else not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note -- placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
you can run.
I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy
sarcasm.
When I am playing the pinball machine, jumping up and
trying to grab the ball through the glass is not
helpful. Barking at me because I'm not helping you
achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie
points.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time ... there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years -- canine
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs'
butts. I can not stress this enough. It would be such
a simple change for you guys to make.
If the bedroom window is closed, and your mom is still
sleeping soundly in bed, there is no need to bark at a
squirrel that is running along the electrical wires
between two poles. Not only does the squirrel not hear
you, but you are at least 30 feet from the squirrel,
and it is straight up in the air. Standing on your
mom's stomach (even though it is under the covers)
with all your weight is not very comfortable, so if
mom says "oomph!" please reposition yourself elsewhere
on the bed instead of leaning forward to check what's
wrong with mom.
Also, the neighbor's newspaper delivery at 5 am is no
time to warn me about intruders. And just because some neighborhood cats are busy producing more kittens doesn't mean they want you to interrupt their intimate encounter, no matter how much noise they're making!
When I get up in the middle of the night, in the dark,
please choose one:
a) lie still and trust I can both see and avoid you;
b) panic and get up, but do it *before* I try to step
over you;
c) Consistency counts.
And that thing I'm doing on Sunday mornings, while
sitting on the sofa and sipping my coffee, is called
"reading the newspaper". It is not my way of
initiating a game of hide and seek. I know you don't
know how to read (or simply don't like to, I'm not
sure), but it is very relaxing for me. I will be happy
to get kisses or play with you just as soon as I've
had the chance to relax for a few moments. Punching
the newspaper with your paw and knocking it into my
face does not speed along the process. And nudging my
arm while I'm trying to drink my coffee only causes
hot liquid to spill on my shirt and pants. Again ...
this is not helpful.
We prefer our shoes in pairs, and dry. Picking them up
and randomly distributing them around the house does
not provide us additional mental stimulation by trying
to match pairs. Barking at us when you want to go out,
but our shoes aren't where we left them, does NOT
speed up this process.
That little tab on the back of the boots? It was
supposed to be there.
You consistently fail this test though you've had
plenty of time to study -- If there is a dog toy and a
shoe on the floor side-by-side which one should you
choose to run around the house with?
If we roll over in bed at 5:00 a.m. on a weekend it
DOES NOT mean it is time to get up, go outside, eat,
or play. The preferred reaction is that you also roll
over, and go back to sleep.
The cat is not a chase toy and, in fact, doesn't enjoy
the chase as much as you. Perhaps that is the reason
he smacks you? You don't seem to be able to understand
the connection.
I truly appreciate you efforts to "fluff up" the bed
by scratching but it is easier on all of us if we
don't have to make the bed each night.
Does it occur to you that the reason the door is
closed is to keep YOU out?
We're fully aware that empty stainless steel food
bowls make a loud clanging noise when they are dropped
on the floor. Are you trying to tell us something?
I'm not even going to ask you why you thought the
brand new fence was simply a small added obstacle to
your escape efforts.
One final note -- deer droppings are not doggie breathmints.
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Tennessee recently with
two
ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its
fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch
those
fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must
understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let
them
swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into
this here ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish! can't do that! says the warden.
The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,
"It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really
works."
"Okay," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"
"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
We in Tennessee may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
aren't as dumb as most government employees.
********************************
"Fog Mail"
The company psychiatrist was interviewing the young
blonde. As she sat in the chair, the psychiatrist
asked a series of questions to determine if she was
emotionally suitable for the company. Things were not
going well for the young blonde.
The psychiatrist decided to try a new approach, to
give the blonde one last chance. He asked, "if you
could have a conversation with someone, living or
dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
********************************
Dear Dogs,
When I say to move it means go someplace else not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note -- placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
you can run.
I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy
sarcasm.
When I am playing the pinball machine, jumping up and
trying to grab the ball through the glass is not
helpful. Barking at me because I'm not helping you
achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie
points.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time ... there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years -- canine
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs'
butts. I can not stress this enough. It would be such
a simple change for you guys to make.
If the bedroom window is closed, and your mom is still
sleeping soundly in bed, there is no need to bark at a
squirrel that is running along the electrical wires
between two poles. Not only does the squirrel not hear
you, but you are at least 30 feet from the squirrel,
and it is straight up in the air. Standing on your
mom's stomach (even though it is under the covers)
with all your weight is not very comfortable, so if
mom says "oomph!" please reposition yourself elsewhere
on the bed instead of leaning forward to check what's
wrong with mom.
Also, the neighbor's newspaper delivery at 5 am is no
time to warn me about intruders. And just because some neighborhood cats are busy producing more kittens doesn't mean they want you to interrupt their intimate encounter, no matter how much noise they're making!
When I get up in the middle of the night, in the dark,
please choose one:
a) lie still and trust I can both see and avoid you;
b) panic and get up, but do it *before* I try to step
over you;
c) Consistency counts.
And that thing I'm doing on Sunday mornings, while
sitting on the sofa and sipping my coffee, is called
"reading the newspaper". It is not my way of
initiating a game of hide and seek. I know you don't
know how to read (or simply don't like to, I'm not
sure), but it is very relaxing for me. I will be happy
to get kisses or play with you just as soon as I've
had the chance to relax for a few moments. Punching
the newspaper with your paw and knocking it into my
face does not speed along the process. And nudging my
arm while I'm trying to drink my coffee only causes
hot liquid to spill on my shirt and pants. Again ...
this is not helpful.
We prefer our shoes in pairs, and dry. Picking them up
and randomly distributing them around the house does
not provide us additional mental stimulation by trying
to match pairs. Barking at us when you want to go out,
but our shoes aren't where we left them, does NOT
speed up this process.
That little tab on the back of the boots? It was
supposed to be there.
You consistently fail this test though you've had
plenty of time to study -- If there is a dog toy and a
shoe on the floor side-by-side which one should you
choose to run around the house with?
If we roll over in bed at 5:00 a.m. on a weekend it
DOES NOT mean it is time to get up, go outside, eat,
or play. The preferred reaction is that you also roll
over, and go back to sleep.
The cat is not a chase toy and, in fact, doesn't enjoy
the chase as much as you. Perhaps that is the reason
he smacks you? You don't seem to be able to understand
the connection.
I truly appreciate you efforts to "fluff up" the bed
by scratching but it is easier on all of us if we
don't have to make the bed each night.
Does it occur to you that the reason the door is
closed is to keep YOU out?
We're fully aware that empty stainless steel food
bowls make a loud clanging noise when they are dropped
on the floor. Are you trying to tell us something?
I'm not even going to ask you why you thought the
brand new fence was simply a small added obstacle to
your escape efforts.
One final note -- deer droppings are not doggie breathmints.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 25th
********************************
Great Cheese
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal
that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into
the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a
month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese.
Ours is imported!"
********************************
Bike Training
Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, I finally decided to do it in my late twenties. My boyfriend, William, offered to teach me, and we headed to the park for my first lesson. He held on to the seat as I wobbled down a path. My self-consciousness was just beginning to disappear when I saw a father, teaching his little daughter to ride a bike, approaching.
As we passed, I was mortified when William said to the dad, "They grow up so fast, don't they?"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." - Wendell Johnson
********************************
Superstition
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Car ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a world-wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
********************************
Elvis Presley's Senior Citizen Song
Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day...
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding, are your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, and its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain...do your knees predict
rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is your blood pressure up, your cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low-fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot, keeps
you like a well-oiled machine.
If it's football, or baseball...he sure knows the
score.
Yes, he knows where it's at...but forgets what it's
for.
So, your gall bladder's gone, and his gout lingers on.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not.
When you're cold, then he's hot.
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light, he goes left, you go
right.
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic, and witty and smart.
How'd he turn out to be such a cranky old goat?
So don't take any bets, this is as good as it gets.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
********************************
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
....she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
....she thought a quarterback was a refund.
....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
....she thought General Motors was in the army.
....she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
....under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she tripped over a cordless phone
....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice
can because it said "concentrate."
....she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK"
and "DON'T WALK."
....at the bottom of the application where it says
"sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
....she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she studied for a blood test.
....she sold the car for gas money!
....when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus
twice instead.
....when she went to the airport and saw a sign that
said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around
the home, she moved.
....she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
....if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
....she thought that she could not use her AM radio in
the eve
********************************
(NOTE: If you haven't
eaten yet, you might want to wait on this one...)
Coldwater
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a
very secluded, rural area of the state he lived .
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He
noticed a film like substance on his plate and he
questioned, "Grandfather, .are these plates clean? "
His grandfather replied....those plates are as clean
as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your
meal.
Later on that after noon, while eating the hamburgers
his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of his plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again.
"Grandfather, are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says......I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!
Still later on that afternoon, he decided to get
dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his
Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let
him pass ... "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
"
Without diverting his attention from the baseball game
his Grandfather as watching, he shouted........
"COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!"
Great Cheese
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal
that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into
the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a
month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese.
Ours is imported!"
********************************
Bike Training
Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, I finally decided to do it in my late twenties. My boyfriend, William, offered to teach me, and we headed to the park for my first lesson. He held on to the seat as I wobbled down a path. My self-consciousness was just beginning to disappear when I saw a father, teaching his little daughter to ride a bike, approaching.
As we passed, I was mortified when William said to the dad, "They grow up so fast, don't they?"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." - Wendell Johnson
********************************
Superstition
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Car ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a world-wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
********************************
Elvis Presley's Senior Citizen Song
Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day...
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding, are your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, and its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain...do your knees predict
rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is your blood pressure up, your cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low-fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot, keeps
you like a well-oiled machine.
If it's football, or baseball...he sure knows the
score.
Yes, he knows where it's at...but forgets what it's
for.
So, your gall bladder's gone, and his gout lingers on.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not.
When you're cold, then he's hot.
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light, he goes left, you go
right.
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic, and witty and smart.
How'd he turn out to be such a cranky old goat?
So don't take any bets, this is as good as it gets.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
********************************
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
....she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
....she thought a quarterback was a refund.
....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
....she thought General Motors was in the army.
....she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
....under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she tripped over a cordless phone
....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice
can because it said "concentrate."
....she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK"
and "DON'T WALK."
....at the bottom of the application where it says
"sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
....she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she studied for a blood test.
....she sold the car for gas money!
....when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus
twice instead.
....when she went to the airport and saw a sign that
said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around
the home, she moved.
....she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
....if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
....she thought that she could not use her AM radio in
the eve
********************************
(NOTE: If you haven't
eaten yet, you might want to wait on this one...)
Coldwater
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a
very secluded, rural area of the state he lived .
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He
noticed a film like substance on his plate and he
questioned, "Grandfather, .are these plates clean? "
His grandfather replied....those plates are as clean
as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your
meal.
Later on that after noon, while eating the hamburgers
his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of his plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again.
"Grandfather, are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says......I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!
Still later on that afternoon, he decided to get
dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his
Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let
him pass ... "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
"
Without diverting his attention from the baseball game
his Grandfather as watching, he shouted........
"COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!"
Saturday, September 24, 2005
hUMOR For Sept.th.
********************************
Stern Announcement
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - St. Andreas
One of the more important of the Patron Saints is St. Andreas (in Spanish - San Andreas)... The patron saint of generosity.
In fact, people say he was generous to a fault.
********************************
A man in a blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the
rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around, vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man would not reach up.
Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked with compassion, "what is your
profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue suit.
"Please, sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.
The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, my friends..."
********************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
********************************
Bad Trip
My co-worker at the travel agency needed to send a letter of apology
to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to
finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug
out the letter I'd written then.
"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the
date, and the name."
She looked it over and smiled, then said, "We won't even need to
change the name."
Stern Announcement
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - St. Andreas
One of the more important of the Patron Saints is St. Andreas (in Spanish - San Andreas)... The patron saint of generosity.
In fact, people say he was generous to a fault.
********************************
A man in a blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the
rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around, vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man would not reach up.
Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked with compassion, "what is your
profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue suit.
"Please, sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.
The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, my friends..."
********************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
********************************
Bad Trip
My co-worker at the travel agency needed to send a letter of apology
to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to
finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug
out the letter I'd written then.
"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the
date, and the name."
She looked it over and smiled, then said, "We won't even need to
change the name."
Friday, September 23, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 23rd
********************************
SOUTHERNERS IN HEAVEN Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Southerners up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing. "The Lord said, "Southerners are southerners, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Southerners have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!!!!
********************************
Career Change
When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted
to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the
house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a
while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling
her he couldn't.
Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have
to be a pirate!"
********************************
Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says
> to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher"
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
********************************
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to
the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law
passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship
your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have
her buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was
buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I
just can't take that chance."
********************************
Minister Call
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." - Kin Hubbard
********************************
Thanks to Lee Quinn for today's Illustration. - Change
The Amish people lead a simple life. That means no electricity. An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning.
An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture. The Amish man said, "No, no thou cannot."
"Legally, that paper says we can," replied the gruff worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture. As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show HIM thy paper!"
********************************
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG
SUNDAY SERMON
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit
in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the preacher telling the soundman to
have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record
today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his
notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The pews are replaced with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on
the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot
hour-glass.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY
SERMON
1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch
the super bowl" but it's only July!
********************************
We have seen this one before, but
it is worthy of another look... ts
A Great Loss
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the
following news. Please join us in remembering a great
icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury
Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was
71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their
respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly
described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he
was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business,
but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of
his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a
crusty old man, was considered a roll model for
millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play
Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus
the one they had in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
SOUTHERNERS IN HEAVEN Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Southerners up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing. "The Lord said, "Southerners are southerners, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Southerners have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!!!!
********************************
Career Change
When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted
to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the
house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a
while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling
her he couldn't.
Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have
to be a pirate!"
********************************
Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says
> to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher"
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
********************************
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to
the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law
passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship
your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have
her buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was
buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I
just can't take that chance."
********************************
Minister Call
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." - Kin Hubbard
********************************
Thanks to Lee Quinn for today's Illustration. - Change
The Amish people lead a simple life. That means no electricity. An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning.
An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture. The Amish man said, "No, no thou cannot."
"Legally, that paper says we can," replied the gruff worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture. As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show HIM thy paper!"
********************************
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG
SUNDAY SERMON
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit
in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the preacher telling the soundman to
have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record
today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his
notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The pews are replaced with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on
the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot
hour-glass.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY
SERMON
1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch
the super bowl" but it's only July!
********************************
We have seen this one before, but
it is worthy of another look... ts
A Great Loss
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the
following news. Please join us in remembering a great
icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury
Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was
71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their
respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly
described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he
was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business,
but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of
his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a
crusty old man, was considered a roll model for
millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play
Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus
the one they had in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 22nd
********************************
Withheld Pay
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my
Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a
forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to
withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
********************************
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
********************************
Sometimes it's hard to make out the words...
1. "God bless America through the night with a light from a bulb!"
2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!"
3. "Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father
and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."
4. "We shall come to Joyce's bringing in the cheese."
5. "Yield not to Penn Station."
6. "While shepherds washed their socks by night."
7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, here we go."
Many of the above are obvious, but for those that are not,
here is the original wording, with the corrections marked
with *asterisks*:
1. "God bless America through the night with a light from *above*!"
2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a *banjo* on my knee!"
3. "Give us this day our *daily* bread! Glory be to the
Father and to the Son and to the *Holy Ghost.*"
4. "We shall come *rejoicing,* bringing in the *sheaves.*"
5. "Yield not to *temptation.*"
6. "While shepherds *watched* their *flocks* by night."
7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, *here below.*"
(Explanation added by GCFL.)
********************************
Late Night Studying
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
Cliches are a dime a dozen.
********************************
Cooking
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
********************************
I'll be happy when ...
We convince ourselves that life will be better after
we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be
happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every
moment that you have and treasure it more because you
shared it with someone special, special enough to
spend your time with ... and remember that time waits
for no one.
So, stop waiting ...
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer..
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.
There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work
like you don't need money, love like you've never been
hurt, and dance like no one's watching.
Withheld Pay
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my
Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a
forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to
withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
********************************
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
********************************
Sometimes it's hard to make out the words...
1. "God bless America through the night with a light from a bulb!"
2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!"
3. "Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father
and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."
4. "We shall come to Joyce's bringing in the cheese."
5. "Yield not to Penn Station."
6. "While shepherds washed their socks by night."
7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, here we go."
Many of the above are obvious, but for those that are not,
here is the original wording, with the corrections marked
with *asterisks*:
1. "God bless America through the night with a light from *above*!"
2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a *banjo* on my knee!"
3. "Give us this day our *daily* bread! Glory be to the
Father and to the Son and to the *Holy Ghost.*"
4. "We shall come *rejoicing,* bringing in the *sheaves.*"
5. "Yield not to *temptation.*"
6. "While shepherds *watched* their *flocks* by night."
7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, *here below.*"
(Explanation added by GCFL.)
********************************
Late Night Studying
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
Cliches are a dime a dozen.
********************************
Cooking
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
********************************
I'll be happy when ...
We convince ourselves that life will be better after
we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be
happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every
moment that you have and treasure it more because you
shared it with someone special, special enough to
spend your time with ... and remember that time waits
for no one.
So, stop waiting ...
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer..
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.
There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work
like you don't need money, love like you've never been
hurt, and dance like no one's watching.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 21st
********************************
Where?
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town.
That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was
dispatching repairmen right and left. When one lineman called a
customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office
Box 99." The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in
a truck, not an envelope."
********************************
A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
********************************
Seniors' Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors' Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "Then I'll take the Special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell!" my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history."
********************************
Thanks to Lee Quinn for today's Illustration. - Customer Service
A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."
The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.
"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
********************************
Blonde joke
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house
and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then
slammed it shut & stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to
the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut
again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the
man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then
slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid
computer keeps saying, 'You've got mail'."
Where?
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town.
That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was
dispatching repairmen right and left. When one lineman called a
customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office
Box 99." The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in
a truck, not an envelope."
********************************
A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
********************************
Seniors' Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors' Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "Then I'll take the Special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell!" my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history."
********************************
Thanks to Lee Quinn for today's Illustration. - Customer Service
A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."
The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.
"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
********************************
Blonde joke
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house
and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then
slammed it shut & stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to
the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut
again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the
man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then
slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid
computer keeps saying, 'You've got mail'."
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
hUMOR For September 20th
********************************
Quarterback
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the
experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
********************************
A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN
WRIGHT:
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me
before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some
people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off
now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't
have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a
job.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets
pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard
disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling
out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving
definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite
criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is
required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have
to catch up. (this is one of my long time favorites.
LBS.)
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
Change is inevitable.... except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a
couple of payments.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of
checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it
back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.
********************************
The Details...
Resist the temptation to get overwhelmed with the
details of life. Refuse to be intimidated by what
may seem like insurmountable pressures. Keep in mind
that I am with you to enable you to accomplish all
that I have set before you. Move forward with a
steady pace and with confidence and boldness that what
I have called you to do, I am well able to perform
through you. Do not be afraid.
"I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He
is able to keep what I have committed to Him until
that Day." II Timothy 1:12b
********************************
EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click
on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests
it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
********************************
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when Gabe slammed the door, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: "I can't. You know the law: I can't retail spirits after 2:00 AM."
********************************
Ash Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Department and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything including me."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Recession
I'm writing a book about the recession. It starts with Chapter 11.
Quarterback
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the
experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
********************************
A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN
WRIGHT:
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me
before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some
people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off
now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't
have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a
job.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets
pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard
disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling
out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving
definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite
criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is
required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have
to catch up. (this is one of my long time favorites.
LBS.)
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
Change is inevitable.... except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a
couple of payments.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of
checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it
back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.
********************************
The Details...
Resist the temptation to get overwhelmed with the
details of life. Refuse to be intimidated by what
may seem like insurmountable pressures. Keep in mind
that I am with you to enable you to accomplish all
that I have set before you. Move forward with a
steady pace and with confidence and boldness that what
I have called you to do, I am well able to perform
through you. Do not be afraid.
"I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He
is able to keep what I have committed to Him until
that Day." II Timothy 1:12b
********************************
EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click
on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests
it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
********************************
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when Gabe slammed the door, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: "I can't. You know the law: I can't retail spirits after 2:00 AM."
********************************
Ash Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Department and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything including me."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Recession
I'm writing a book about the recession. It starts with Chapter 11.
Monday, September 19, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 19th
Perks Of Being Over 50! 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music. 15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff. 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
********************************
E-mail Prblem
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"
********************************
Ordering Pizza in 2008
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have
your national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh,
it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at
1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's
494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance
is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email
address is sheehan@ home.net. Which number are you
calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"
Op! erator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security
System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your
ordering time"
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a
couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode
sensors indicate that you've got very high blood
pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National
Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy
choice."
Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza.
I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something
like that?
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean
Recipes'from your local library last week, sir. That's
why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two
family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife
and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the
crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have
to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its
limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash
before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking
account's overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have
the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll
be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you
might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the
cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be
a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car
payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's
paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday"
Customer: "Hey!"
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of
Coke".
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary
clause prevents us from offering free soda to
diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank
you for calling Pizza Hut!"
********************************
(NOTE: As you know, I am not a doctor
-- and I don't even play one on TV [I play a preacher
on TV...] -- but these look interesting) --
Interesting food cures
HEADACHE? - EAT FISH !
Eat plenty of fish - fish oil helps prevent headaches.
So does ginger, which reduces inflammation and pain.
HAY FEVER? EAT YOGURT!
Eat lots of yogurt before pollen season. Also-eat
honey from your area (local region) daily.
INSOMNIA (CAN'T SLEEP?) - HONEY!
Use honey as a tranquilizer and sedative.
ASTHMA? - EAT ONIONS!
Eating onions helps ease constriction of bronchial
tubes.
ARTHRITIS? - EAT FISH, TOO!!
Salmon, tuna, mackerel and sardines actually prevent
arthritis.
UPSET STOMACH? - BANANAS - GINGER!!!!!
Bananas will settle an upset stomach. Ginger will cure
morning sickness and nausea.
BLADDER INFECTION? DRINK CRANBERRY JUICE!!!!
High-acid cranberry juice controls harmful bacteria.
BONE PROBLEMS? EAT PINEAPPLE!!!
Bone fractures and osteoporosis can be prevented by
the manganese in pineapple.
PREMENSTRUAL SYNDROME? EAT CORNFLAKES!!!!
Women can ward off the effects of PMS with cornflakes,
which help reduce depression, anxiety and fatigue.
MEMORY PROBLEMS? EAT OYSTERS!
Oysters help improve your mental functioning by
supplying much-needed zinc.
COLDS? EAT GARLIC!
Clear up that stuffy head with garlic.
COUGHING? USE RED PEPPERS!!
A substance similar to that found in the cough syrups
is found in hot red pepper. Use red (cayenne) pepper
with caution-it can irritate your tummy.
BREAST CANCER?
Wheat, bran and cabbage help maintain estrogen at
healthy levels.
LUNG CANCER? EAT DARK GREEN AND ORANGE AND VEGGIES!!!
A good antidote is beta carotene, a form of Vitamin A
found in dark green and orange vegetables.
ULCERS? EAT CABBAGE ALSO!!!
Cabbage contains chemicals that help heal both gastric
and duodena ulcers.
DIARRHEA? EAT APPLES!
Grate an apple with its skin, let it turn brown and
eat it to cure this condition.
CLOGGED ARTERIES? EAT AVOCADO!
Mono unsaturated fat in avocados lowers cholesterol.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE? EAT CELERY AND OLIVE OIL!!!
Olive oil has been shown to lower blood pressure.
Celery contains a chemical that lowers pressure too.
BLOOD SUGAR IMBALANCE? EAT BROCCOLI AND PEANUTS!!!
The chromium in broccoli and peanuts helps regulate
insulin and blood sugar.
Kiwi: Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of
potassium, magnesium, Vitamin E and fiber. Its Vitamin
C content is twice that of an orange.
Apple: An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Although
an apple has a low Vitamin C content, it has
antioxidants and flavonoids which enhance the
activity of Vitamin C thereby helping to lower the
risks of colon cancer, heart attack and stroke.
Strawberry: Protective fruit. Strawberries have the
highest total antioxidant power among major fruits,
which protects the body from cancer causing, blood
vessel clogging free radicals.
Orange: Sweetest medicine. Taking 2 - 4 oranges a day
may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent
and dissolve kidney stones as well as lessen the risk
of colon cancer.
Water Melon: Coolest Thirst Quencher. Composed of 92%
water, it is also packed with a giant dose of
glutathione which helps boost our immune system. They
are also a key source of lycopene - the cancer
fighting oxidant.
Other nutrients found in water melon are Vitamin C and
Potassium.
Guava and Papaya: They are the clear winners for their
high Vitamin C content.
Guava is also rich in fiber which helps prevent
constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene, which is
good for your eyes.
Tips on how to stay young.......
Researchers have found that people who generally live
longer do so partly because of good habits. Here, Dr
Vernon Coleman and others provide some of the
following good habits for longevity.
01. Laugh and have fun, don't be gloomy.
02. Let bygones be bygones. Dwelling on the past
inflicts unnecessary stress.
03. Early to bed, early to rise, is healthy and wise.
04. Stay lean, being just 30% overweight is bad.
05. Keep learning, reading and socializing. An alert
and active mind keeps brain cells healthy.
06. Keep working, doing something you like. Don't
retire. It slows down your body.
07. Be the boss of your own life. Letting others push
you around produces stress.
08. Too many pills ruin your body. Take just what you
need.
09. Constantly alternating between weight gain and
loss is bad.
10. Exercise, quit smoking and eat less fatty foods.
11. Do not worry about health or death, just get on
with your life and enjoy it!
********************************
E-mail Prblem
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"
********************************
Ordering Pizza in 2008
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have
your national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh,
it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at
1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's
494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance
is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email
address is sheehan@ home.net. Which number are you
calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"
Op! erator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security
System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your
ordering time"
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a
couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode
sensors indicate that you've got very high blood
pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National
Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy
choice."
Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza.
I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something
like that?
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean
Recipes'from your local library last week, sir. That's
why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two
family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife
and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the
crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have
to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its
limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash
before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking
account's overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have
the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll
be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you
might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the
cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be
a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car
payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's
paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday"
Customer: "Hey!"
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of
Coke".
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary
clause prevents us from offering free soda to
diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank
you for calling Pizza Hut!"
********************************
(NOTE: As you know, I am not a doctor
-- and I don't even play one on TV [I play a preacher
on TV...] -- but these look interesting) --
Interesting food cures
HEADACHE? - EAT FISH !
Eat plenty of fish - fish oil helps prevent headaches.
So does ginger, which reduces inflammation and pain.
HAY FEVER? EAT YOGURT!
Eat lots of yogurt before pollen season. Also-eat
honey from your area (local region) daily.
INSOMNIA (CAN'T SLEEP?) - HONEY!
Use honey as a tranquilizer and sedative.
ASTHMA? - EAT ONIONS!
Eating onions helps ease constriction of bronchial
tubes.
ARTHRITIS? - EAT FISH, TOO!!
Salmon, tuna, mackerel and sardines actually prevent
arthritis.
UPSET STOMACH? - BANANAS - GINGER!!!!!
Bananas will settle an upset stomach. Ginger will cure
morning sickness and nausea.
BLADDER INFECTION? DRINK CRANBERRY JUICE!!!!
High-acid cranberry juice controls harmful bacteria.
BONE PROBLEMS? EAT PINEAPPLE!!!
Bone fractures and osteoporosis can be prevented by
the manganese in pineapple.
PREMENSTRUAL SYNDROME? EAT CORNFLAKES!!!!
Women can ward off the effects of PMS with cornflakes,
which help reduce depression, anxiety and fatigue.
MEMORY PROBLEMS? EAT OYSTERS!
Oysters help improve your mental functioning by
supplying much-needed zinc.
COLDS? EAT GARLIC!
Clear up that stuffy head with garlic.
COUGHING? USE RED PEPPERS!!
A substance similar to that found in the cough syrups
is found in hot red pepper. Use red (cayenne) pepper
with caution-it can irritate your tummy.
BREAST CANCER?
Wheat, bran and cabbage help maintain estrogen at
healthy levels.
LUNG CANCER? EAT DARK GREEN AND ORANGE AND VEGGIES!!!
A good antidote is beta carotene, a form of Vitamin A
found in dark green and orange vegetables.
ULCERS? EAT CABBAGE ALSO!!!
Cabbage contains chemicals that help heal both gastric
and duodena ulcers.
DIARRHEA? EAT APPLES!
Grate an apple with its skin, let it turn brown and
eat it to cure this condition.
CLOGGED ARTERIES? EAT AVOCADO!
Mono unsaturated fat in avocados lowers cholesterol.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE? EAT CELERY AND OLIVE OIL!!!
Olive oil has been shown to lower blood pressure.
Celery contains a chemical that lowers pressure too.
BLOOD SUGAR IMBALANCE? EAT BROCCOLI AND PEANUTS!!!
The chromium in broccoli and peanuts helps regulate
insulin and blood sugar.
Kiwi: Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of
potassium, magnesium, Vitamin E and fiber. Its Vitamin
C content is twice that of an orange.
Apple: An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Although
an apple has a low Vitamin C content, it has
antioxidants and flavonoids which enhance the
activity of Vitamin C thereby helping to lower the
risks of colon cancer, heart attack and stroke.
Strawberry: Protective fruit. Strawberries have the
highest total antioxidant power among major fruits,
which protects the body from cancer causing, blood
vessel clogging free radicals.
Orange: Sweetest medicine. Taking 2 - 4 oranges a day
may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent
and dissolve kidney stones as well as lessen the risk
of colon cancer.
Water Melon: Coolest Thirst Quencher. Composed of 92%
water, it is also packed with a giant dose of
glutathione which helps boost our immune system. They
are also a key source of lycopene - the cancer
fighting oxidant.
Other nutrients found in water melon are Vitamin C and
Potassium.
Guava and Papaya: They are the clear winners for their
high Vitamin C content.
Guava is also rich in fiber which helps prevent
constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene, which is
good for your eyes.
Tips on how to stay young.......
Researchers have found that people who generally live
longer do so partly because of good habits. Here, Dr
Vernon Coleman and others provide some of the
following good habits for longevity.
01. Laugh and have fun, don't be gloomy.
02. Let bygones be bygones. Dwelling on the past
inflicts unnecessary stress.
03. Early to bed, early to rise, is healthy and wise.
04. Stay lean, being just 30% overweight is bad.
05. Keep learning, reading and socializing. An alert
and active mind keeps brain cells healthy.
06. Keep working, doing something you like. Don't
retire. It slows down your body.
07. Be the boss of your own life. Letting others push
you around produces stress.
08. Too many pills ruin your body. Take just what you
need.
09. Constantly alternating between weight gain and
loss is bad.
10. Exercise, quit smoking and eat less fatty foods.
11. Do not worry about health or death, just get on
with your life and enjoy it!
Sunday, September 18, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 18th
********************************
Bathroom Break
On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten
teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
********************************
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire
chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful; the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
********************************
Silent Descent
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that."
"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Hope is hearing the melody of the future. Faith is to dance to it now." - Richard Alves, Quoted in "When I Lay My Isaac Down" by Carol Kent
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Answering Questions
A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wears. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy.
"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home!?"
The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live."
********************************
Letter of Apology
Dear Lyndell,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your
engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and
forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk,
tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that
motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really
should not have reacted that way to the fact that you
have never held a job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live
under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only
18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard
on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn
everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong.
I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you
have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's super
lottery.
********************************
These are real notes written from parents in the Pine Cone, Minnesota school district.
(Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
-----------------------------
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
-----------------------------
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being ab sent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
------------------------------
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
-----------------------------
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
-------------------------------
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
-------------------------------
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
----------------------------
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
-----------------------------
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
-----------------------------
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
-----------------------------
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits.
[Words were crossed out in the ()'s]
-----------------------------
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
-------------------------
Peggy was absent yesterdy because she missed her bust.
-------------------------
Pease excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I kept Bi llie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper
off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
********************************
More Sven, Olie, and Hans
Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Homer. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Ya, vill take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of Garvin Heights. On top of Garvin Heights, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his friend, Hans shakes his head and says: "Uffdah, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!
PART TWO: Moments later Ole arrives up at Garvin Heights. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Hans shakes his head and says, "Ufdah, I'm never trying dat parrotshootin either."
BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!!
PART THREE: Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Ole parrotshooting and now Lars is hen gliding. Ufdah, what's a man to do, 'ey?"
Bathroom Break
On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten
teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
********************************
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire
chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful; the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
********************************
Silent Descent
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that."
"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Hope is hearing the melody of the future. Faith is to dance to it now." - Richard Alves, Quoted in "When I Lay My Isaac Down" by Carol Kent
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Answering Questions
A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wears. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy.
"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home!?"
The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live."
********************************
Letter of Apology
Dear Lyndell,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your
engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and
forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk,
tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that
motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really
should not have reacted that way to the fact that you
have never held a job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live
under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only
18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard
on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn
everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong.
I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you
have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's super
lottery.
********************************
These are real notes written from parents in the Pine Cone, Minnesota school district.
(Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
-----------------------------
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
-----------------------------
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being ab sent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
------------------------------
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
-----------------------------
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
-------------------------------
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
-------------------------------
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
----------------------------
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
-----------------------------
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
-----------------------------
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
-----------------------------
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits.
[Words were crossed out in the ()'s]
-----------------------------
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
-------------------------
Peggy was absent yesterdy because she missed her bust.
-------------------------
Pease excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I kept Bi llie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper
off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
********************************
More Sven, Olie, and Hans
Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Homer. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Ya, vill take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of Garvin Heights. On top of Garvin Heights, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his friend, Hans shakes his head and says: "Uffdah, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!
PART TWO: Moments later Ole arrives up at Garvin Heights. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Hans shakes his head and says, "Ufdah, I'm never trying dat parrotshootin either."
BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!!
PART THREE: Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Ole parrotshooting and now Lars is hen gliding. Ufdah, what's a man to do, 'ey?"
Thursday, September 15, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 15th
********************************
Sins
On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a
ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the
ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread
crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour
their sins.
Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs
should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads
which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.
For ordinary sins.....................White Bread
For erotic sins.........................French Bread
For particularly dark sins..........Pumpernickel
For complex sins.....................Multigrain
For twisted sins.......................Pretzels
For tasteless sins....................Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision...............Waffles
For sins committed in haste.....Matzo
For sins of chutzpah................Fresh Bread
For substance abuse...............Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs.............Poppy Seed
For petty larceny.....................Stollen
For committing auto theft.........Caraway
For timidity/cowardice..............Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness................Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity.........Nut Bread
For not giving full value.............Shortbread
For jingoism, chauvinism..........Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony..................Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances........Hero Bread
For war-mongering...................Kaiser Rolls
For dressing immodestly..........Tarts
For causing injury to others......Tortes
For lechery and promiscuity.....Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles....Hot Cross Buns
For racist attitudes..................Crackers
For sophisticated racism..........Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou.........Bagels
For abrasiveness... ..................Grits
For dropping in without notice...Popovers
For overeating.........................Stuffing
For impetuosity.......................Quick Bread
For indecent photography.........Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often....Challah
For pride and egotism...............Puff Pastry
For sycophancy, --- -kissing.....Brownies
For being overly smothering.......Angel Food Cake
For laziness.............................Any long loaf
For trashing the environment......Dumplings
.... and my personal favorite:
For telling bad jokes/puns........Corn Bread
********************************
True or False?
Guess which of the following statements are True or False? Answers below but no peeking!
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being
indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they
are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to
search for water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning
their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and
a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of
white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato
can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from
women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.
ANSWERS BELOW:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE
Don't you just love number 16?
********************************
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is used for washing our hair." The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
********************************
10 Easy Ways To Say No
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 The President said he might drop in.
5 The man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a eyelash transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - New Wing
Recently, when a Panel of Doctors at our local hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened....
The allergists voted to scratch it..
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.The HMOs killed it anyway.
Sins
On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a
ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the
ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread
crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour
their sins.
Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs
should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads
which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.
For ordinary sins.....................White Bread
For erotic sins.........................French Bread
For particularly dark sins..........Pumpernickel
For complex sins.....................Multigrain
For twisted sins.......................Pretzels
For tasteless sins....................Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision...............Waffles
For sins committed in haste.....Matzo
For sins of chutzpah................Fresh Bread
For substance abuse...............Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs.............Poppy Seed
For petty larceny.....................Stollen
For committing auto theft.........Caraway
For timidity/cowardice..............Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness................Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity.........Nut Bread
For not giving full value.............Shortbread
For jingoism, chauvinism..........Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony..................Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances........Hero Bread
For war-mongering...................Kaiser Rolls
For dressing immodestly..........Tarts
For causing injury to others......Tortes
For lechery and promiscuity.....Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles....Hot Cross Buns
For racist attitudes..................Crackers
For sophisticated racism..........Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou.........Bagels
For abrasiveness... ..................Grits
For dropping in without notice...Popovers
For overeating.........................Stuffing
For impetuosity.......................Quick Bread
For indecent photography.........Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often....Challah
For pride and egotism...............Puff Pastry
For sycophancy, --- -kissing.....Brownies
For being overly smothering.......Angel Food Cake
For laziness.............................Any long loaf
For trashing the environment......Dumplings
.... and my personal favorite:
For telling bad jokes/puns........Corn Bread
********************************
True or False?
Guess which of the following statements are True or False? Answers below but no peeking!
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being
indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they
are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to
search for water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning
their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and
a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of
white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato
can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from
women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.
ANSWERS BELOW:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE
Don't you just love number 16?
********************************
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is used for washing our hair." The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
********************************
10 Easy Ways To Say No
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 The President said he might drop in.
5 The man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a eyelash transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - New Wing
Recently, when a Panel of Doctors at our local hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened....
The allergists voted to scratch it..
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.The HMOs killed it anyway.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 14th
********************************
Farewell Song
There was a woman who spent some months serving at a religious
mission in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she
attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing
together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly
beautiful harmonies.
She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and would
share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down
her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell
me the translation of the words to this song?"
Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water,
you won't get dysentery."
********************************
Most Difficult Case
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." - Bernard Bailey
********************************
Imagination
A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it."
The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try.
So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole! He was playing the best game he had ever played, with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been playing ahead of him and watching this game with much curiosity.
The second golfer waited before he teed off on the 10th hole and asked the first golfer if he would like to join him. They did, and as they played the 10th hole, the second golfer asked him what he was doing.
The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working.
Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball, also.
The first golfer said "Sure!"
They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!"
The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won. That was my ball."
********************************
From Yesterday...
>From a friend... Truth Revealed: Scientists Say 'It
Ain't So!' Written by TomFoolery
The Proof is in This Pudding
As the saying goes, the sayings go. Culminating
centuries of exhaustive, painstaking research, multidisciplinary researchers have taken on some of the toughest adages in historical culture and proven them WRONG!!
While much of the work is still being done, scientists
at the Mother Goose and Grimm Institute For What It’s
Worth Foundation felt it imperative that the world be
told so the myths, rumors, innuendoes and lies will be perpetuated no more.
Below are numbers five through one of the most used
rules of thumb that have been found to be false:
5. DON’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET: Says who?
Researchers ventured to chicken coops from Maine to
Minnesota and gathered eggs from pigeons all the way
up to ostriches. But, they did do one thing that made
a lot of sense. They took a big enough basket in every instance, with adequate insulation and shockproof. Not a single egg was broken, even after purposely dropping the most innocuous-looking container. After this evolution, it didn’t take rocket science to figure out why the truth technicians cried “FOWL!”
4. A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS: It’s hard to believe
even blondes would buy into this one. But, then again,
it’s like alcohol and gasoline, blondes and stoves
don’t mix. Anyway, culinary connoisseurs concocted
everything from bouillabaisse to old socks in pots,
ewers and kettles of every size imaginable. Heat
levels ranged from very low to extremely high. Turns
out, no matter whether they were watched or not, every
single one of them eventually boiled, though the pot
with old socks was terminated at mid-point because the
stench was just too much. Analysts are still wondering
who cooked this one up.
3. YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR: You can thank researchers
for sacrificing theirs and saving you money on this
one. With eBay as their arena of choice to conduct
this trial, savvy seekers opened their wallets and
threw more than caution to the wind. Numerous random
purchases were made from around the world from what
were purported to be reliable merchants. In nearly
every occasion, scientists ponied up the dough, but
they’re still waiting, some as long as two years, to
receive their merchandise. This one has prompted
further in-depth analysis of the old saying ALL THINGS
COME TO HE WHO WAITS. Jury’s still out on that one,
too. So, you’re better off to Caveat Emptor and just
go to the store.
2. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: Don’t learn this one the
hard way. The best example of how wrong this one is
comes to us from the airline industry. Veracity
verifiers booked coach, business and first class seats
on domestic and international flights on both US and
foreign carriers. Not a single passenger who showed up
as few as five minutes after the last boarding call
reached his or her destination. So, if you’re a Johnny-come-lately, you’ll probably end up on a bus.
1. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE: Nothing could be
further from the truth. Fact-finders found this one
easy to debunk. With captive subjects galore at
maximum to minimum security prisons from coast to
coast, this exercise required hardly any effort at
all. It didn’t take much to convince even the most
hardened criminals to come clean and admit their
crimes. But that did little to sway parole boards that
flatly refused to release them. So, the truth won’t
pull any strings for you…no lie!
Farewell Song
There was a woman who spent some months serving at a religious
mission in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she
attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing
together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly
beautiful harmonies.
She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and would
share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down
her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell
me the translation of the words to this song?"
Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water,
you won't get dysentery."
********************************
Most Difficult Case
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." - Bernard Bailey
********************************
Imagination
A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it."
The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try.
So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole! He was playing the best game he had ever played, with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been playing ahead of him and watching this game with much curiosity.
The second golfer waited before he teed off on the 10th hole and asked the first golfer if he would like to join him. They did, and as they played the 10th hole, the second golfer asked him what he was doing.
The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working.
Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball, also.
The first golfer said "Sure!"
They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!"
The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won. That was my ball."
********************************
From Yesterday...
>From a friend... Truth Revealed: Scientists Say 'It
Ain't So!' Written by TomFoolery
The Proof is in This Pudding
As the saying goes, the sayings go. Culminating
centuries of exhaustive, painstaking research, multidisciplinary researchers have taken on some of the toughest adages in historical culture and proven them WRONG!!
While much of the work is still being done, scientists
at the Mother Goose and Grimm Institute For What It’s
Worth Foundation felt it imperative that the world be
told so the myths, rumors, innuendoes and lies will be perpetuated no more.
Below are numbers five through one of the most used
rules of thumb that have been found to be false:
5. DON’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET: Says who?
Researchers ventured to chicken coops from Maine to
Minnesota and gathered eggs from pigeons all the way
up to ostriches. But, they did do one thing that made
a lot of sense. They took a big enough basket in every instance, with adequate insulation and shockproof. Not a single egg was broken, even after purposely dropping the most innocuous-looking container. After this evolution, it didn’t take rocket science to figure out why the truth technicians cried “FOWL!”
4. A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS: It’s hard to believe
even blondes would buy into this one. But, then again,
it’s like alcohol and gasoline, blondes and stoves
don’t mix. Anyway, culinary connoisseurs concocted
everything from bouillabaisse to old socks in pots,
ewers and kettles of every size imaginable. Heat
levels ranged from very low to extremely high. Turns
out, no matter whether they were watched or not, every
single one of them eventually boiled, though the pot
with old socks was terminated at mid-point because the
stench was just too much. Analysts are still wondering
who cooked this one up.
3. YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR: You can thank researchers
for sacrificing theirs and saving you money on this
one. With eBay as their arena of choice to conduct
this trial, savvy seekers opened their wallets and
threw more than caution to the wind. Numerous random
purchases were made from around the world from what
were purported to be reliable merchants. In nearly
every occasion, scientists ponied up the dough, but
they’re still waiting, some as long as two years, to
receive their merchandise. This one has prompted
further in-depth analysis of the old saying ALL THINGS
COME TO HE WHO WAITS. Jury’s still out on that one,
too. So, you’re better off to Caveat Emptor and just
go to the store.
2. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: Don’t learn this one the
hard way. The best example of how wrong this one is
comes to us from the airline industry. Veracity
verifiers booked coach, business and first class seats
on domestic and international flights on both US and
foreign carriers. Not a single passenger who showed up
as few as five minutes after the last boarding call
reached his or her destination. So, if you’re a Johnny-come-lately, you’ll probably end up on a bus.
1. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE: Nothing could be
further from the truth. Fact-finders found this one
easy to debunk. With captive subjects galore at
maximum to minimum security prisons from coast to
coast, this exercise required hardly any effort at
all. It didn’t take much to convince even the most
hardened criminals to come clean and admit their
crimes. But that did little to sway parole boards that
flatly refused to release them. So, the truth won’t
pull any strings for you…no lie!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 13th
********************************
Rules For Dealing With Women:
* The female always makes the rules.
* The rules are subject to change at any time without
prior notification.
* No male can possibly know all the rules.
* If the female suspects the male knows all the rules,
she must immediately change some or all the rules.
* The female is never wrong.
* If the female is wrong, it is due to a
misunderstanding which was a direct result of
something the male did or said wrong.
* If the above applies, the male must apologize
immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
* An apology without flowers is not an apology.
* The female may change her mind at any time.
* The male must never change his mind at any time
without the expressed consent of the female.
* The male may not point out that the female has
changed her mind.
* The female has every right to be angry or upset at
any time.
* The male must remain calm at all times, unless the
female wants him to be angry or upset.
* The female must, under no circumstances, let the
male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or
upset.
* No anger or emotional outburst on the part of the
female may be blamed on PMS. This will result in
swift and extreme retribution.
* The male may not inquire if the female is angry or
upset.
* The male may not inquire when the female will be
ready.
* The male is expected to mind-read at all times.
* Any attempt to document these rules may result in
bodily harm or death to the male.
********************************
Cafeteria Food
When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't
serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children
something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of
peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At
last -- a home cooked meal!"
********************************
Dangling Participles
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
********************************
Dangling Participles
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
********************************
CleanQuote.
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum
********************************
Pastoring
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service. One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all. He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said," Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug" I guess you must be a sheep dog."
Rules For Dealing With Women:
* The female always makes the rules.
* The rules are subject to change at any time without
prior notification.
* No male can possibly know all the rules.
* If the female suspects the male knows all the rules,
she must immediately change some or all the rules.
* The female is never wrong.
* If the female is wrong, it is due to a
misunderstanding which was a direct result of
something the male did or said wrong.
* If the above applies, the male must apologize
immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
* An apology without flowers is not an apology.
* The female may change her mind at any time.
* The male must never change his mind at any time
without the expressed consent of the female.
* The male may not point out that the female has
changed her mind.
* The female has every right to be angry or upset at
any time.
* The male must remain calm at all times, unless the
female wants him to be angry or upset.
* The female must, under no circumstances, let the
male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or
upset.
* No anger or emotional outburst on the part of the
female may be blamed on PMS. This will result in
swift and extreme retribution.
* The male may not inquire if the female is angry or
upset.
* The male may not inquire when the female will be
ready.
* The male is expected to mind-read at all times.
* Any attempt to document these rules may result in
bodily harm or death to the male.
********************************
Cafeteria Food
When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't
serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children
something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of
peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At
last -- a home cooked meal!"
********************************
Dangling Participles
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
********************************
Dangling Participles
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
********************************
CleanQuote.
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum
********************************
Pastoring
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service. One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all. He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said," Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug" I guess you must be a sheep dog."
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