********************************
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in
Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along
for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies, and before
long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about,
she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with
the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
mid-strike. A look of terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was
close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey
on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I can never trust him. I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"
********************************
Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, but I am sure it is a good thing!" - Mark Twain
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - The Law
Most of these are certainly outdated. But it's funny to think they ever were laws.
- In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
- In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
- In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.
- To keep any of the incarcerated beasts from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville, NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.
- If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.
- Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.
- Don't bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA unless you have an extra $500 for the offense.
- The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in Hayden, AZ. where disturbing them in the city limits is against the law.
- Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.
- Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!
- In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.
- If any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forwarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!
- It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.
- In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.
- In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry; I don't understand who you are talking about".Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the computer from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
********************************
ONLY IN AMERICA:
Only in America..... do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front.
Only in America...... do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !
Only in America...... do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.
Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America...... do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ..
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite
of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
hUMOR For August 30th
********************************
Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Church Drive
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
********************************
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You
could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
********************************
The TRUTH about Barbecuing
Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will
do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following
chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it
on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils
and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, beverage in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and
cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat
is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring
another beverage while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it
to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to
the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does
the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his
cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night
off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes
that there's just no pleasing a woman.
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman
who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he,
being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked,
"But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you
knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Church Drive
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
********************************
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You
could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
********************************
The TRUTH about Barbecuing
Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will
do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following
chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it
on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils
and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, beverage in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and
cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat
is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring
another beverage while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it
to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to
the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does
the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his
cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night
off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes
that there's just no pleasing a woman.
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman
who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he,
being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked,
"But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you
knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
Monday, August 29, 2005
hUMOR For August 29th
When Your Hut's on Fire....
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a
small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for
God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon
for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he
eventually managed to build a little hut out of
driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to
store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging
for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in
flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the
worst had happened, and everything was lost.
He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He
cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?" Early
the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged
when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose
heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in
the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the
next time your little hut seems to be burning to the
ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the
Grace of God.
P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because
you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire
today.
********************************
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed a little boy staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven- year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" the boy asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
The little boy's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
********************************
My sister-in-law shrieks whenever she sees a bug. She and my brother were out driving one day, and she started screaming, "A bug! a bug!"
Imagining it must be the size of a tarantula, he shouted, "Where?"
"Over there," she said, pointing out the window, "It's the new Volkswagen!"
********************************
An elderly man was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial the man approached the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge replied, "That is true."
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig whatever he wanted with no fear of legal action.
The elderly gent looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
********************************
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
That means that he was a . . .
super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
********************************
You Know You're Going to Need a New Lawyer When...
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
********************************
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
********************************
Apparently the Department of Transportation is going to be laying off most of the workers from road crews.
It seems that someone has invented a shovel that will stand up by itself.
********************************
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"
********************************
An elderly man was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial the man approached the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge replied, "That is true."
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig whatever he wanted with no fear of legal action.
The elderly gent looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
********************************
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a
small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for
God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon
for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he
eventually managed to build a little hut out of
driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to
store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging
for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in
flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the
worst had happened, and everything was lost.
He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He
cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?" Early
the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged
when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose
heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in
the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the
next time your little hut seems to be burning to the
ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the
Grace of God.
P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because
you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire
today.
********************************
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed a little boy staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven- year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" the boy asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
The little boy's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
********************************
My sister-in-law shrieks whenever she sees a bug. She and my brother were out driving one day, and she started screaming, "A bug! a bug!"
Imagining it must be the size of a tarantula, he shouted, "Where?"
"Over there," she said, pointing out the window, "It's the new Volkswagen!"
********************************
An elderly man was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial the man approached the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge replied, "That is true."
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig whatever he wanted with no fear of legal action.
The elderly gent looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
********************************
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
That means that he was a . . .
super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
********************************
You Know You're Going to Need a New Lawyer When...
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
********************************
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
********************************
Apparently the Department of Transportation is going to be laying off most of the workers from road crews.
It seems that someone has invented a shovel that will stand up by itself.
********************************
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"
********************************
An elderly man was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial the man approached the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge replied, "That is true."
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig whatever he wanted with no fear of legal action.
The elderly gent looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
********************************
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Sunday, August 28, 2005
hUMOR For August 28th
********************************
From a friend...
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped
up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: " And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?"
"98," she replied.
"Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A
hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer,
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore,
can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my
friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's
license!
------------------------------------------
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her
will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered
over Bloomingdale's.
"Bloomingdale's?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why
Bloomingdale's?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."
------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its
state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur. Be careful...
******************************************************
In the long tradition of political correctness and
sensitivity that has so characterized all of our
jokes, we offer this one (sent our way by PW)...
WHY IS IT THAT???
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine will probably never be able to support
you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of
those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once
told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a
clock on the oven.
Why do men have more pressure than women? Because
women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that
won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't
like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence? Divorced.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding
ring, Suffer-Ring.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created
Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
From a friend...
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped
up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: " And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?"
"98," she replied.
"Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A
hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer,
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore,
can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my
friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's
license!
------------------------------------------
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her
will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered
over Bloomingdale's.
"Bloomingdale's?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why
Bloomingdale's?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."
------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its
state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur. Be careful...
******************************************************
In the long tradition of political correctness and
sensitivity that has so characterized all of our
jokes, we offer this one (sent our way by PW)...
WHY IS IT THAT???
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine will probably never be able to support
you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of
those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once
told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a
clock on the oven.
Why do men have more pressure than women? Because
women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that
won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't
like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence? Divorced.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding
ring, Suffer-Ring.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created
Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
hUMOR For August 27th
********************************
All Purpose Excuse Form
Here is an all purpose excuse form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,b) Dad,c) love of my life,d) Assistant Principal,e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) carb) housec) petd) espresso makere) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantileb) puerilec) ineptd) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistice) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
a) carb) jet skic) large helium balloond) rodent driven sledgee) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,b) wife,c) Cub Scout troop,d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,e) priceless collection of antique knitting needles,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,b) fathom,c) comprehend,d) appreciate,e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,b) sue me,c) spank me,d) take my firstborn,e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) schoolb) workc) churchd) the bowling alleye) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friendb) childc) siblingd) lease co-signere) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one thata) was so stupid.b) was so silly.c) would have been funny if it worked.d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Bears
Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got back to their truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears. One of the men said, "OK, guys, I figure the only way we're gonna get back to the truck is to make these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home.
"Ed, you take that one on the left, the little cub with a broken leg. I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw. Joe, you take the one on the right, the mama bear."
Joe looked and saw a huge silvertip grizzly bear with big teeth and froth around her mouth.
"Hey, man, wait a sec. I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe," was the reply. "We all have our bears to cross."
********************************
"There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age."
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarian and we're skeptical." (Charles Schultz)
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a
question of finding a sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)
"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars, and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons." (Douglas Adams)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father." (Greg Norman)
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)
"Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable."
"If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag."
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."
********************************
The young goober rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
********************************
SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE
It takes more than four minutes to get out of your
car.
When backing into a parking spot, you just back up
until you hear something.
It scares you to drive the speed limit.
The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the
Amish.
You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
You inquired if the dealership could install
magnifying glass for the windshield.
Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.
When the police pull you over, they're surprised to
find out you're sober.
********************************
Good Housekeeping Tip:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.....
so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've
been sick and unable to clean...
********************************
A Real Groaner
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was
a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he
could. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature
loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt
anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when
they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught
up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why
it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible
infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even
see out of.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but
his friend begged him to stop.
He said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"
(Say it slowly... get it?)
********************************
Here's "blonde" with a twist!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
All Purpose Excuse Form
Here is an all purpose excuse form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,b) Dad,c) love of my life,d) Assistant Principal,e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) carb) housec) petd) espresso makere) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantileb) puerilec) ineptd) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistice) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
a) carb) jet skic) large helium balloond) rodent driven sledgee) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,b) wife,c) Cub Scout troop,d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,e) priceless collection of antique knitting needles,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,b) fathom,c) comprehend,d) appreciate,e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,b) sue me,c) spank me,d) take my firstborn,e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) schoolb) workc) churchd) the bowling alleye) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friendb) childc) siblingd) lease co-signere) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one thata) was so stupid.b) was so silly.c) would have been funny if it worked.d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Bears
Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got back to their truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears. One of the men said, "OK, guys, I figure the only way we're gonna get back to the truck is to make these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home.
"Ed, you take that one on the left, the little cub with a broken leg. I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw. Joe, you take the one on the right, the mama bear."
Joe looked and saw a huge silvertip grizzly bear with big teeth and froth around her mouth.
"Hey, man, wait a sec. I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe," was the reply. "We all have our bears to cross."
********************************
"There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age."
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarian and we're skeptical." (Charles Schultz)
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a
question of finding a sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)
"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars, and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons." (Douglas Adams)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father." (Greg Norman)
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)
"Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable."
"If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag."
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."
********************************
The young goober rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
********************************
SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE
It takes more than four minutes to get out of your
car.
When backing into a parking spot, you just back up
until you hear something.
It scares you to drive the speed limit.
The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the
Amish.
You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
You inquired if the dealership could install
magnifying glass for the windshield.
Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.
When the police pull you over, they're surprised to
find out you're sober.
********************************
Good Housekeeping Tip:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.....
so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've
been sick and unable to clean...
********************************
A Real Groaner
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was
a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he
could. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature
loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt
anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when
they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught
up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why
it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible
infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even
see out of.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but
his friend begged him to stop.
He said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"
(Say it slowly... get it?)
********************************
Here's "blonde" with a twist!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Friday, August 26, 2005
hUMOR For August 26th
The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping in the desert, they set up their tent, and go to sleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend."Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars.""What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks."Tonto, you Dumb Dumb, someone has stolen our tent."
********************************
Hybrid Car
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years for theft."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"You're too good for him." - Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA. "No wonder you always go home alone." - Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Meet Your Neighbors
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.
Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why.........
we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve
the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.
At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving
while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am
I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a
pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on
the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
********************************
FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like...night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9. The early bird gets the worm, and the second mouse getsthe cheese in the trap. 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 25. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
********************************
Hybrid Car
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years for theft."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"You're too good for him." - Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA. "No wonder you always go home alone." - Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Meet Your Neighbors
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.
Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why.........
we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve
the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.
At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving
while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am
I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a
pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on
the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
********************************
FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like...night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9. The early bird gets the worm, and the second mouse getsthe cheese in the trap. 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 25. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
hUMOR For August 25th
********************************
Crowded Bus
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Tourism
I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.
********************************
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to
have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, once again serving the man a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me
anymore!"
********************************
My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.
As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"
********************************
Religious Differences
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church
one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads
where he met a little girl coming from the other
direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way
home," answered the little girl.
"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way
home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road,"
replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the
hill," replied the little boy.
They discovered that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together. They came
to a low spot in the road where spring rains had
partially flooded the road so there was no way that
they could get across to the other side without
getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my
Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit
wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little
girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them
over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm
going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other
side without getting their clothes wet. They were
standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before
putting their clothes back on when the little boy
finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize
before just how much difference there really is
between a Baptist and a Catholic."
********************************
Nun Out Of Gas
(I just thought this was very timely, with the price of gas these days!)
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."
Crowded Bus
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Tourism
I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.
********************************
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to
have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, once again serving the man a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me
anymore!"
********************************
My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.
As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"
********************************
Religious Differences
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church
one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads
where he met a little girl coming from the other
direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way
home," answered the little girl.
"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way
home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road,"
replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the
hill," replied the little boy.
They discovered that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together. They came
to a low spot in the road where spring rains had
partially flooded the road so there was no way that
they could get across to the other side without
getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my
Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit
wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little
girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them
over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm
going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other
side without getting their clothes wet. They were
standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before
putting their clothes back on when the little boy
finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize
before just how much difference there really is
between a Baptist and a Catholic."
********************************
Nun Out Of Gas
(I just thought this was very timely, with the price of gas these days!)
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
hUMOR For August 24th
********************************
Golf Deduction
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Communion
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I can't eat, I won't pay!"
********************************
A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the
way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found
a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words
"queen size."
Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."
********************************
Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. So I called him a name. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him another name. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...
********************************
Raise
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.
"There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other
companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the
gas company."
********************************
Wanna-be Mechanic
A man applies for a job as mechanic. The boss says, "Can you roll
your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play lightsaber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it
around and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that
already!" says the boss.
Golf Deduction
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Communion
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I can't eat, I won't pay!"
********************************
A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the
way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found
a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words
"queen size."
Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."
********************************
Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. So I called him a name. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him another name. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...
********************************
Raise
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.
"There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other
companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the
gas company."
********************************
Wanna-be Mechanic
A man applies for a job as mechanic. The boss says, "Can you roll
your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play lightsaber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it
around and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that
already!" says the boss.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
hUMOR For August 23rd
********************************
Vacation Cut
Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss me?" I asked.
"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Rooster
A minister had just finished an excellent dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard."That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented.
"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud-- one of his sons just entered the ministry!"
********************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!
"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK!
"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."
********************************
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.
"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck."
Vacation Cut
Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss me?" I asked.
"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Rooster
A minister had just finished an excellent dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard."That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented.
"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud-- one of his sons just entered the ministry!"
********************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!
"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK!
"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."
********************************
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.
"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck."
Monday, August 22, 2005
hUMOR For August 22nd
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
********************************
Teaching Math
Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00 and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears.
The incident got me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school (or not).
Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set of "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set"C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds andsquirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es . . . .
********************************
REDNECK CHALLENGE
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people
are in the South.
I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this
exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane, (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of liquid produced per hour,
how many car radiators are required to condense the
product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many beverages will be drank before the trees are cut
down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place
a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that
well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of
things that big city book-learnin' don't prepare ya
for in this life.
********************************
But, Of Course!
A Russian village east of Moscow got a rude awakening
one morning: A lake vanished overnight, leaving a
large muddy hole. Officials told TV reporters that
the lake may have been sucked into an undergrond cave
system. But an elderly village woman offered a
different theory: "I am thinking, well, America has
finally got to us". (Cut out of the local paper in
Memphis, TN., and is said to be authenic)
********************************
A LITTLE HUMOR;
Progress is when everyone pushes in the same
direction.
Idleness is the rust that will attach itself to the
most brilliant minds;
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember
MOSES started out as a basket case... get it.?
COULD THIS BE YOU ?
My idea of visitation-----------Folks coming to see
me.
My idea of sympathy----------Everybody suffers wih
me.
My idea of Meekness---Yielding to me.
My idea of unity---Everybody agreeing with me.
My idea of cooperation----Everybody working in my
place.
My idea of a good sermon---One that fits everyose
except me..
My idea of a sinner--- the person i dislike.
My idea of good attendance in worship,
THE BEST GIFT TO GIVE:
To your friend---Loyalty
To your enemy--Forgiveness;
To your boss --service
To a child --- a good example;
To your parents---gratitude and devotion;
To your mate---Love and faithfulness;
To all men and women---Charity;
To God---Your Life.
THIS IS TAKEN FROM THE EASTSIDE CHURCH OF CHRIST
BULLETIN; MUSKOGEE, OK.
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
********************************
Teaching Math
Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00 and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears.
The incident got me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school (or not).
Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set of "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set"C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds andsquirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es . . . .
********************************
REDNECK CHALLENGE
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people
are in the South.
I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this
exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane, (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of liquid produced per hour,
how many car radiators are required to condense the
product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many beverages will be drank before the trees are cut
down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place
a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that
well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of
things that big city book-learnin' don't prepare ya
for in this life.
********************************
But, Of Course!
A Russian village east of Moscow got a rude awakening
one morning: A lake vanished overnight, leaving a
large muddy hole. Officials told TV reporters that
the lake may have been sucked into an undergrond cave
system. But an elderly village woman offered a
different theory: "I am thinking, well, America has
finally got to us". (Cut out of the local paper in
Memphis, TN., and is said to be authenic)
********************************
A LITTLE HUMOR;
Progress is when everyone pushes in the same
direction.
Idleness is the rust that will attach itself to the
most brilliant minds;
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember
MOSES started out as a basket case... get it.?
COULD THIS BE YOU ?
My idea of visitation-----------Folks coming to see
me.
My idea of sympathy----------Everybody suffers wih
me.
My idea of Meekness---Yielding to me.
My idea of unity---Everybody agreeing with me.
My idea of cooperation----Everybody working in my
place.
My idea of a good sermon---One that fits everyose
except me..
My idea of a sinner--- the person i dislike.
My idea of good attendance in worship,
THE BEST GIFT TO GIVE:
To your friend---Loyalty
To your enemy--Forgiveness;
To your boss --service
To a child --- a good example;
To your parents---gratitude and devotion;
To your mate---Love and faithfulness;
To all men and women---Charity;
To God---Your Life.
THIS IS TAKEN FROM THE EASTSIDE CHURCH OF CHRIST
BULLETIN; MUSKOGEE, OK.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
hUMOR For August 21st
********************************
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" And the man quickly hurried out.
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest, and the second man also complied.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
********************************
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an elderly Native American man went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, he again went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This guy is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the man to predict the weather for the remainder of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old man didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."
********************************
NEW U.S. State Mottos
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Maybe Not,But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 100,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Cheap Entertainment! (Make sure you bring a LOT of money)
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a @$%#! Motto? I Got Yer @$%#! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable!
North Dakota: We Really ARE One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. . . It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: SÃ, hablo inglés (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep.
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" And the man quickly hurried out.
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest, and the second man also complied.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
********************************
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an elderly Native American man went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, he again went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This guy is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the man to predict the weather for the remainder of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old man didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."
********************************
NEW U.S. State Mottos
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Maybe Not,But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 100,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Cheap Entertainment! (Make sure you bring a LOT of money)
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a @$%#! Motto? I Got Yer @$%#! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable!
North Dakota: We Really ARE One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. . . It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: SÃ, hablo inglés (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep.
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Saturday, August 20, 2005
hUMOR For August 20th
********************************
Clutter Advice
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
********************************
Oneliner.
You always hear people using the phrase "working like a dog" but when's the last time you saw a dog doing any work?
********************************
CleanPun. - Stocks
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."
********************************
Bible Brain Twister By John Kezer
I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu, kept people looking so hard for facts, and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the truth finally struck home to numbers of readers. To others, it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
One preacher found 16 books in 20 minutes. It took him three weeks to find the seventeenth one.
(Hint: See how many books of the bible you can find in the
text above.)
Answer Below:
Bible Brain Twister By [John] Kezer
I once made a re[mark] about the hidden books of the Bible.
It was a lu[lu, ke]pt people loo [king s]o hard for f[acts], and for others it was a [revelation]. Some were in a [jam, es] pecially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the t[ruth] finally struck home to [numbers] of readers. To others, it was a real [job]. We want it to be [a mos]t fascinating few moments for you. Y[es, ther]e will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require [judges] to help them. I will quickly admi[t it us]ually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud [lamentations] when it is found. A little lady says s[he brews] a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can com [pete. R]elax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
********************************
If I lock my keys in my car, all I have to do is call OnStar and they unlock my car.
If the car is stolen, they can lock all the doors and trap the thief in the car.
Whenever my wife tells me she is taking the car to go shopping, I call OnStar and tell them my car has been stolen.
********************************
Tribute to a Friend
Nose prints on the window, scratches at the back door,
Dog hair on the sofa, muddy prints on the floor.
Your face in the window when I''d drive away,
How you'd greet me at the door at the end of the day.
At your expense how I laughed it up
Like how everything scared you when you were a pup...
When you ran from that "monster" to no avail
It was only a branch that was caught in your tail...
Or the 4th of July when the fireworks flared
How you hid in the bathtub because you were scared.
Dog hair on my pants, on my shirt, on my sock,
Your ferocious loud bark when somebody's knock.
How each night you faithfully slept by my bed,
How I''d reach from the covers and I'd scratch your
head.
When the end finally came, with tear-filled eyes
I kissed y ou and lovingly said my goodbyes.
I held you in my arms ''til the very end.
Now your absence is painful. I miss you, dear friend.
Although I was your owner right from the start,
You were really the Master, for you owned my heart.
********************************
LAST RITES
A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street.
He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers."A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.
A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells,
"A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd
to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man
of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man,
"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian.
But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services.
I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort
to this poor man." The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man
can get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man
and says in a solemn voice: "B-4.
I-19.
N-38.
G-54.
O-72"
Clutter Advice
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
********************************
Oneliner.
You always hear people using the phrase "working like a dog" but when's the last time you saw a dog doing any work?
********************************
CleanPun. - Stocks
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."
********************************
Bible Brain Twister By John Kezer
I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu, kept people looking so hard for facts, and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the truth finally struck home to numbers of readers. To others, it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
One preacher found 16 books in 20 minutes. It took him three weeks to find the seventeenth one.
(Hint: See how many books of the bible you can find in the
text above.)
Answer Below:
Bible Brain Twister By [John] Kezer
I once made a re[mark] about the hidden books of the Bible.
It was a lu[lu, ke]pt people loo [king s]o hard for f[acts], and for others it was a [revelation]. Some were in a [jam, es] pecially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the t[ruth] finally struck home to [numbers] of readers. To others, it was a real [job]. We want it to be [a mos]t fascinating few moments for you. Y[es, ther]e will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require [judges] to help them. I will quickly admi[t it us]ually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud [lamentations] when it is found. A little lady says s[he brews] a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can com [pete. R]elax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
********************************
If I lock my keys in my car, all I have to do is call OnStar and they unlock my car.
If the car is stolen, they can lock all the doors and trap the thief in the car.
Whenever my wife tells me she is taking the car to go shopping, I call OnStar and tell them my car has been stolen.
********************************
Tribute to a Friend
Nose prints on the window, scratches at the back door,
Dog hair on the sofa, muddy prints on the floor.
Your face in the window when I''d drive away,
How you'd greet me at the door at the end of the day.
At your expense how I laughed it up
Like how everything scared you when you were a pup...
When you ran from that "monster" to no avail
It was only a branch that was caught in your tail...
Or the 4th of July when the fireworks flared
How you hid in the bathtub because you were scared.
Dog hair on my pants, on my shirt, on my sock,
Your ferocious loud bark when somebody's knock.
How each night you faithfully slept by my bed,
How I''d reach from the covers and I'd scratch your
head.
When the end finally came, with tear-filled eyes
I kissed y ou and lovingly said my goodbyes.
I held you in my arms ''til the very end.
Now your absence is painful. I miss you, dear friend.
Although I was your owner right from the start,
You were really the Master, for you owned my heart.
********************************
LAST RITES
A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street.
He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers."A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.
A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells,
"A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd
to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man
of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man,
"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian.
But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services.
I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort
to this poor man." The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man
can get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man
and says in a solemn voice: "B-4.
I-19.
N-38.
G-54.
O-72"
Friday, August 19, 2005
hUMOR For Aug. 19th
********************************
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young
woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes
followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife
asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
********************************
For All Those Born Before 1945
Consider all the changes we have witnessed ...We were born before television, before penicillin, beforepolio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contactlens, Frisbees and the PILL.We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laserbeams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose,dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, airconditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on themoon. We got married first and then lived together. Howquaint can you be? In our time closets were for clothes, notcoming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits werenot Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls namedJean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meantgetting along with your cousin.We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outerSpace was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born beforehouse-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dualcareers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electrictypewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guyswearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togethernessand hardware and software weren't even words.In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out"referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds andinstant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when therewere 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car,make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail oneletter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you hadone) was 11 cents a gallon.In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POTwas something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma'slullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. Wewere certainly not before the differences between the sexeswas discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And,we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think youneeded a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are soconfused and there is such a generation gap today.BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
********************************
FoodCan't eat Beef, Mad cow.... Can't eat chicken . bird flu Can't eat eggs . Salmonella Can't eat pork . fears that bird flu will infect piggies Can't eat fish . heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies . insecticides and herbicides Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds. Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. (If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.) "That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."
********************************
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was
fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs
are
so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four Fifty!"
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young
woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes
followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife
asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
********************************
For All Those Born Before 1945
Consider all the changes we have witnessed ...We were born before television, before penicillin, beforepolio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contactlens, Frisbees and the PILL.We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laserbeams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose,dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, airconditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on themoon. We got married first and then lived together. Howquaint can you be? In our time closets were for clothes, notcoming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits werenot Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls namedJean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meantgetting along with your cousin.We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outerSpace was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born beforehouse-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dualcareers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electrictypewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guyswearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togethernessand hardware and software weren't even words.In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out"referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds andinstant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when therewere 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car,make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail oneletter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you hadone) was 11 cents a gallon.In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POTwas something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma'slullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. Wewere certainly not before the differences between the sexeswas discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And,we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think youneeded a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are soconfused and there is such a generation gap today.BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
********************************
FoodCan't eat Beef, Mad cow.... Can't eat chicken . bird flu Can't eat eggs . Salmonella Can't eat pork . fears that bird flu will infect piggies Can't eat fish . heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies . insecticides and herbicides Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds. Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. (If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.) "That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."
********************************
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was
fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs
are
so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four Fifty!"
Thursday, August 18, 2005
hUMOR For August 18th
********************************
Prison Riot
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said,
"I would like to know two things.
First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food
is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."
********************************
Deep In Prayer
A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and,
in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honor and glorify
me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife.
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?"
********************************
Phone
There are several men sitting around in the locker
room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a
cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you
are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that
much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I
spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good
price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that
we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your
bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent
this morning and saw the house we had looked at last
year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property
... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see
that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid
$420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love
you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises
his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those
present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
********************************
18 Wheeler
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
On the wall of a Baltimore Estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law - Sisters of Mercy."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Safety
Don't learn safety rules by accident.
********************************
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
********************************
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it tooslowly.Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries allcount as fruit, so eat as many as you want.The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hotcar. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge offyour appetite and you'll eat less.A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of caloriesin one place. Isn't that handy?If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But ifyou can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolateto protect themselves.If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that abalanced diet?Money talks. Chocolate sings.Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?A. Because no one wants to quit.If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.An entire garment industry would be devastated.Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. Thatway, at least you'll get one thing done.
********************************
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
********************************
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
Prison Riot
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said,
"I would like to know two things.
First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food
is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."
********************************
Deep In Prayer
A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and,
in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honor and glorify
me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife.
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?"
********************************
Phone
There are several men sitting around in the locker
room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a
cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you
are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that
much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I
spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good
price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that
we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your
bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent
this morning and saw the house we had looked at last
year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property
... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see
that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid
$420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love
you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises
his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those
present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
********************************
18 Wheeler
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
On the wall of a Baltimore Estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law - Sisters of Mercy."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Safety
Don't learn safety rules by accident.
********************************
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
********************************
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it tooslowly.Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries allcount as fruit, so eat as many as you want.The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hotcar. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge offyour appetite and you'll eat less.A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of caloriesin one place. Isn't that handy?If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But ifyou can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolateto protect themselves.If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that abalanced diet?Money talks. Chocolate sings.Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?A. Because no one wants to quit.If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.An entire garment industry would be devastated.Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. Thatway, at least you'll get one thing done.
********************************
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
********************************
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
hUMOR For Aug. 17th
********************************
True Calls to the IRS
Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.IRS: Are you married?Caller: Well, sort of ....IRS: What?Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.IRS: What does it say?Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.IRS: Both. It's the same amount.Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.
********************************
CleanQuote.
"The telegraph is like a very long cat; you pull the tail in New York and it meows in Los Angeles. Radio operates the same way, but without a cat." - Albert Einstein
********************************
Old Photos
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them
made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a
younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said
with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Sacrifice
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I'm sorry I missed you this morning", the pastor said.
"Well, Reverend", the farmer replied,"I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."
********************************
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.
In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to
him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through
our wives."
My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"
Received from Brian Moccia.
********************************
Veterinary Clinic
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies
to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, I realized it would be difficult
to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on
the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each
dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto
talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the
last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and
whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."
True Calls to the IRS
Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.IRS: Are you married?Caller: Well, sort of ....IRS: What?Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.IRS: What does it say?Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.IRS: Both. It's the same amount.Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.
********************************
CleanQuote.
"The telegraph is like a very long cat; you pull the tail in New York and it meows in Los Angeles. Radio operates the same way, but without a cat." - Albert Einstein
********************************
Old Photos
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them
made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a
younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said
with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Sacrifice
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I'm sorry I missed you this morning", the pastor said.
"Well, Reverend", the farmer replied,"I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."
********************************
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.
In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to
him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through
our wives."
My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"
Received from Brian Moccia.
********************************
Veterinary Clinic
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies
to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, I realized it would be difficult
to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on
the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each
dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto
talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the
last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and
whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
hUMOR For August 16th
********************************
Thunderstorm Plea
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.
"Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily.
"I'm sorry ma'am," the Reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report to the Lost & Found Department - we found your rubber band."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Thesaurus
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
********************************
Consider all the changes we have witnessed .....
We were born before television, before penicillin, before
polio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contact lens, Frisbees and the PILL.
We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on the moon. We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be? In out time closets were for clothes, not coming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousin.
We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outer Space was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dual careers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guys wearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togetherness and hardware and software weren't even words.
In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when there were 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and 10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car, make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail one letter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you had
one) was 11 cents a gallon.
In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POT
was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma's
lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. We were certainly not before the differences between the sexes was discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And, we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are so confused and there is such a generation gap today.
BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
********************************
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
********************************
Old Photos
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them
made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a
younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said
with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
********************************
Fruit Stand
A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of
fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in
a separate piece of
paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a
separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
********************************
"I was in the hospital," Thelma writes, "and my husband was visiting. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator.
A lady said to him, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.' "My husband said, 'I'm not smoking.' " 'But you have a cigar in your mouth,' the lady said.
" 'Lady, ' my husband answered, 'I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse either.' "
********************************
A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?
Thunderstorm Plea
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.
"Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily.
"I'm sorry ma'am," the Reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report to the Lost & Found Department - we found your rubber band."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Thesaurus
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
********************************
Consider all the changes we have witnessed .....
We were born before television, before penicillin, before
polio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contact lens, Frisbees and the PILL.
We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on the moon. We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be? In out time closets were for clothes, not coming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousin.
We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outer Space was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dual careers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guys wearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togetherness and hardware and software weren't even words.
In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when there were 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and 10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car, make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail one letter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you had
one) was 11 cents a gallon.
In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POT
was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma's
lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. We were certainly not before the differences between the sexes was discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And, we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are so confused and there is such a generation gap today.
BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
********************************
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
********************************
Old Photos
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them
made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a
younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said
with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
********************************
Fruit Stand
A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of
fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in
a separate piece of
paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a
separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
********************************
"I was in the hospital," Thelma writes, "and my husband was visiting. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator.
A lady said to him, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.' "My husband said, 'I'm not smoking.' " 'But you have a cigar in your mouth,' the lady said.
" 'Lady, ' my husband answered, 'I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse either.' "
********************************
A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?
Monday, August 15, 2005
hUMOR For August 15th
********************************
Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank goodness," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
********************************
"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are
easy to spot:
At sporting events, during the playing of the National
Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts
and sing without embarrassment. They know the words
and believe in them.
Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression,
World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and
Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,the Korean War,
The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to
mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front
of women and children and they don't like any filth on
TV or in movies
Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag
unless it's about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is
protected, not by politicians or police, but by the
young men and women in the military serving their
country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent
values. We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers!
********************************
The Lighter side of Good Advice and observations!
If you can't be kind, at least have the courtesy to be
vague.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the
right thing at the right time, but to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Did you ever know that the Roman Numerals for 40 are
XL?
It's been said that if you can smile when things go
wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
There's a lot to be thankful for if you look for it.
I was just thinking how nice it is wrinkles don't
hurt, they only hurt the mirror!
Did you ever notice that when you put the words "the"
and "irs" together it spells "theirs?'
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
********************************
There is nothing like a good long walk especially if the person taking it is someone you want to get rid of.
********************************
Why did Texas choose Orange as their team color?...... You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up the trash along the highways the rest of the week.
********************************
TEXAS HOSPITALITY
Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared
to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 9R."
Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R.
Allah is Great."
Pause: Static..............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC!!! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OF OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts... Y'all be careful now, ya
hear?"
********************************
Subject: Grandma
Here goes the theory that Grandmas know everything!
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing
outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping... uh.. you know.... on top of
each other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth..."That's
called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony seemed satisfied, just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and
play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily with
hand on hip:"Grandma, it is NOT called sexual
intercourse! It's called bunk beds !"
********************************
BUBBA APPLIES FOR WORK
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles
refinery.
A
Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon
completion
of
the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The
manager
went
to
Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided
to
give
the
Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got
nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a
Southern
boy,
I
should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers,
but
rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then
asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than
the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the
Yankee
put
down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
(It don't pay to cheat)
********************************
Dictionary of Southern Medical Transcription TermsArtery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria................ ..... Back door to cafeteria. Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die. Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight.
Cat scan...................... Searching for Kitty. Cauterize..................... Made eye contact with her. Cesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome. Colic............................ A sheep dog. Coma........................... A punctuation mark. D&C............................ Where Washington is. Dilate........................... To live long. Enema.......................... Not a friend. Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else. Fibula........................... A small lie. Genital.......................... Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball. Hang nail....................... What you hang your coat on. Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain.................... Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................... A higher offer. Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates. Node............................ I knew it. Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted. Pap Smear.................... A fatherhood test. Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis. Post-Operative.............. A letter carrier. Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery. Rectum.......................... At least a two car crash. Secretion....................... Hiding something. Seizure........................... Roman emperor. Tablet............................ A small table. Terminal Illness.............. Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................... .One plus one more. Urine............................. Opposite of you're out. Varicose........................ Near by/close by
Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank goodness," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
********************************
"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are
easy to spot:
At sporting events, during the playing of the National
Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts
and sing without embarrassment. They know the words
and believe in them.
Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression,
World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and
Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,the Korean War,
The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to
mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front
of women and children and they don't like any filth on
TV or in movies
Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag
unless it's about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is
protected, not by politicians or police, but by the
young men and women in the military serving their
country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent
values. We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers!
********************************
The Lighter side of Good Advice and observations!
If you can't be kind, at least have the courtesy to be
vague.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the
right thing at the right time, but to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Did you ever know that the Roman Numerals for 40 are
XL?
It's been said that if you can smile when things go
wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
There's a lot to be thankful for if you look for it.
I was just thinking how nice it is wrinkles don't
hurt, they only hurt the mirror!
Did you ever notice that when you put the words "the"
and "irs" together it spells "theirs?'
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
********************************
There is nothing like a good long walk especially if the person taking it is someone you want to get rid of.
********************************
Why did Texas choose Orange as their team color?...... You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up the trash along the highways the rest of the week.
********************************
TEXAS HOSPITALITY
Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared
to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 9R."
Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R.
Allah is Great."
Pause: Static..............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC!!! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OF OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts... Y'all be careful now, ya
hear?"
********************************
Subject: Grandma
Here goes the theory that Grandmas know everything!
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing
outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping... uh.. you know.... on top of
each other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth..."That's
called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony seemed satisfied, just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and
play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily with
hand on hip:"Grandma, it is NOT called sexual
intercourse! It's called bunk beds !"
********************************
BUBBA APPLIES FOR WORK
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles
refinery.
A
Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon
completion
of
the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The
manager
went
to
Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided
to
give
the
Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got
nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a
Southern
boy,
I
should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers,
but
rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then
asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than
the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the
Yankee
put
down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
(It don't pay to cheat)
********************************
Dictionary of Southern Medical Transcription TermsArtery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria................ ..... Back door to cafeteria. Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die. Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight.
Cat scan...................... Searching for Kitty. Cauterize..................... Made eye contact with her. Cesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome. Colic............................ A sheep dog. Coma........................... A punctuation mark. D&C............................ Where Washington is. Dilate........................... To live long. Enema.......................... Not a friend. Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else. Fibula........................... A small lie. Genital.......................... Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball. Hang nail....................... What you hang your coat on. Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain.................... Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................... A higher offer. Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates. Node............................ I knew it. Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted. Pap Smear.................... A fatherhood test. Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis. Post-Operative.............. A letter carrier. Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery. Rectum.......................... At least a two car crash. Secretion....................... Hiding something. Seizure........................... Roman emperor. Tablet............................ A small table. Terminal Illness.............. Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................... .One plus one more. Urine............................. Opposite of you're out. Varicose........................ Near by/close by
Sunday, August 14, 2005
hUMOR For August 14th
Blue Pill
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked
"How
many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one
into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.. That won't get you
through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't
even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my new shoes"
********************************
Mechanic?
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and
was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage
nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a
mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally
said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.
********************************
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in
Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a
sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried
fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round
out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of
breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are
the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing
aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth
seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn
on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to
cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like
to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are
now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through
Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and
Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good
condition, some hair, many new parts including hip,
knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
walks well.
********************************
005 Revised Bill of Rights
The following has been attributed to State
Representative Mitchell Kaye from Georgia. This guy
should run for President one day . .
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby TRY ONE MORE TIME to ordain and establish some common-sense guidelines for the terminally whiney, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole
lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and
are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights as such:
ARTICLE I: You do NOT have the right to a new car,
big-screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power
to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do NOT have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone--not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc.; but the world if full of idiots, and
probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do NOT have the right to be free
from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye,
learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do NOT have the right to free food
and housing. Americans are the most charitable people
to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but
we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another
generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do NOT have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of
public housing, we are not interested in public health
care.
ARTICLE VI: You do NOT have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do NOT have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do NOT have the right to a job.
All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly
help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do NOT have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an over-abundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English-speaking country. We
don't care where you are from, English is our
language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from!
(lastly . . . )
ARTICLE XI: You do NOT have the right to change our
country's history or heritage. This country was
founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you
are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any
faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of
persecution. The phrase "IN GOD WE TRUST" is part of
our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable
with it, TOUGH!
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Complacency
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation:
"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them." Then he added, "And it's so hot here in the summer that hades doesn't scare them!"
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked
"How
many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one
into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.. That won't get you
through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't
even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my new shoes"
********************************
Mechanic?
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and
was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage
nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a
mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally
said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.
********************************
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in
Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a
sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried
fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round
out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of
breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are
the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing
aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth
seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn
on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to
cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like
to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are
now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through
Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and
Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good
condition, some hair, many new parts including hip,
knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
walks well.
********************************
005 Revised Bill of Rights
The following has been attributed to State
Representative Mitchell Kaye from Georgia. This guy
should run for President one day . .
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby TRY ONE MORE TIME to ordain and establish some common-sense guidelines for the terminally whiney, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole
lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and
are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights as such:
ARTICLE I: You do NOT have the right to a new car,
big-screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power
to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do NOT have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone--not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc.; but the world if full of idiots, and
probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do NOT have the right to be free
from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye,
learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do NOT have the right to free food
and housing. Americans are the most charitable people
to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but
we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another
generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do NOT have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of
public housing, we are not interested in public health
care.
ARTICLE VI: You do NOT have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do NOT have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do NOT have the right to a job.
All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly
help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do NOT have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an over-abundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English-speaking country. We
don't care where you are from, English is our
language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from!
(lastly . . . )
ARTICLE XI: You do NOT have the right to change our
country's history or heritage. This country was
founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you
are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any
faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of
persecution. The phrase "IN GOD WE TRUST" is part of
our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable
with it, TOUGH!
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Complacency
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation:
"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them." Then he added, "And it's so hot here in the summer that hades doesn't scare them!"
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