********************************
Verbalized Prayers
The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off: "Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $55,000 a year, and it's not enough."
He turned to the associate pastor, and She said, "Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $39,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The minister of education continues with his chant, "Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $28,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The youth minister has her turn next: "Lord, I've just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $20,000 a year and it's not enough."
At last it's time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this: "Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and ... 'there's no business like show business!'"
********************************
Verbalized Prayers
The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off: "Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $55,000 a year, and it's not enough."
He turned to the associate pastor, and She said, "Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $39,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The minister of education continues with his chant, "Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $28,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The youth minister has her turn next: "Lord, I've just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $20,000 a year and it's not enough."
At last it's time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this: "Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and ... 'there's no business like show business!'"
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Enjoying Work
My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs and asked if it could be cleaned off.
The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked, "Did I get it all?"
********************************
Hello ......An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
I always know God won't give me more than I can handle, but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!
********************************
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
********************************
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
********************************
From READER'S DIGEST January 1996 --
All In A Day's Work
Part of my job at the state fish and wildlife
department is to lend equipment to residents for
trapping and relocating raccoons. A man who had been
successful at capturing one of the animals called to
ask whether raccoons mated for life. He said his
daughter was worried that they might have separated a monogamous couple. "I don't know why she's so concerned," he added. "She's been married three times." Contributed by Marie Jones
********************************
The District Judge in our county is a no-nonsense
woman who has never left any doubt as to her
professionalism. What those of us who work in the
court didn't know was whether she had a sense of
humor. The matter was put to rest the morning an
older woman was testifying before the judge.
Several times during the proceedings the woman
addressed the judge as "Honey." Finally the judge
looked the woman in the eye and said, "That's JUDGE
Honey."
********************************
In my Real-Estate office, there sometimes was
confusion about the terms used to describe features in
homes. Most of us who worked there considered a
half-bath to be a room with a toilet and a basin. A three-quarter bath would include a toilet, basin, and shower stall, and a full bath would have toilet, basin and bathtub. One afternoon, four of us were debating this subject when a fifth agent walked in. Hoping he'd agree with me, I asked, "What do you consider a full bath?" "Oh," he said, "about eight people."
********************************
Ginger, a crossing guard at the elementary
school, regarded each child as her personal charge.
Concerned that motorists on their way to work were
speeding and endangering her kids, Ginger appealed to
the police chief for a radar gun. She was told that
budget constraints wouldn't allow the purchase of
additional equipment. The next day, vehicles were
traveling much slower as Ginger, undaunted, aimed at
oncoming traffic with her hair dryer
********************************
When my husband joined the U.S. Postal Service,
he was required to take a written test. After he
completed it, he handed it to the personnel officer,
who explained, "Your test will be scored by a
high-speed computer. We'll have the results in four
to six weeks." Contributed by Michelle P. Pronsati
********************************
LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES
On the way home one night, I spotted some
fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop. After
selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted
by a young saleswoman.
"Are these for your wife, sir?" she asked.
"Yes," I said.
"For her birthday?" she asked.
"No," I replied.
"For your anniversary?"
"No," I said again.
As I pocketed my change and headed toward the
door, the young woman called out, "I hope she forgives
you." Gerald Lebowitz (Bronk. N.Y.)
********************************
Traveling on a shoestring budget, my husband Joe
and I were spending a day in New York City when Joe
ripped his pants. We shopped for new pants but found
none that weren't far too expensive. So we headed to
the nearest tailor shop.
Joe stepped into the dressing room and handed his
pants to the tailor, explaining that were from
Kalamazoo and that Joe had no other clothes with him.
As my husband stood in his skivvies with a curtain
draped around him, he asked the tailor, "How much will
this cost?"
There was a long pause before the tailor
addressed his co-worker. "Hey, Murray," he said with
a widening grin, "this guy comes all the way from
Kalamazoo to New York City with only one pair of
pants, he's standing in his underwear, and he wants to
know how much!" Sandra Berish (Kalamazoo, Mich.)
********************************
One day I noticed that someone had inscribed the
words "Wash Me" in the layer of dirt covering a red
car parked outside my apartment building. Passing the
car the following day, I saw that the owner had
responded to the plea in an appropriate fashion. The
car was just as dirty as it had been the day before,
but the note had been modified to read "YOU Wash Me."
Gail Merten (Phoenix, AZ)
********************************
During the holidays I accompanied my fiance and
his parents to a family dinner at the home of his aunt
and uncle. I was self-conscious but eager to make a
good impression. Dinner came to an end without any
mishaps on my part. Then as the table was cleared
before desert, I asked if I should keep my spoon.
All was quiet as the host eyes me solemnly. "I
don't know about that," he replied. "It's part of a
set." Kathleen O'Hagan (Narvon, PA)
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Saturday, July 30, 2005
hUMOR For July 30th
********************************
Foot Pill
A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results. Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.
Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.
"Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Car Front
If the front of your car says "DODGE," do you really need a horn?
********************************
A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched
desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.
"Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm
in dire need of some water."
"Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would
you like to buy one of these fine ties."
"What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked.
"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."
The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed.
The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir,"
the doorman said, "but you can't come in here without a
tie!"
********************************
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower."
Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts?"
********************************
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN
CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon
went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find teaching others about Christ much
more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to contribute the $500 a month I used
to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the
Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the minimum salary, let's pay our preacher
so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard
before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service
early.
2. Preacher, we'd like to send you to this Bible
seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment
like a good old-fashioned sermon on giving!
********************************
Water and Coke
WATER
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
(Likely applies to half world population.)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so
weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's
metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger
pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a
University of Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of
water a day could significantly ease back and joint
pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy
short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and
difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a
printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the
risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the
risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%less
likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every
day?
*****
COKE
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol
carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove
blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it
will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the
toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour,
then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes
stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub
the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap
aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour
a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away
the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in
Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into
the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and
bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished,
remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with
the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke
into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run
through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help
loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze
from your windshield.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about four
days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones
and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the
commercial truck must use the Hazardous Material place
cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to
clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Foot Pill
A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results. Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.
Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.
"Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Car Front
If the front of your car says "DODGE," do you really need a horn?
********************************
A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched
desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.
"Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm
in dire need of some water."
"Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would
you like to buy one of these fine ties."
"What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked.
"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."
The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed.
The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir,"
the doorman said, "but you can't come in here without a
tie!"
********************************
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower."
Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts?"
********************************
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN
CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon
went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find teaching others about Christ much
more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to contribute the $500 a month I used
to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the
Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the minimum salary, let's pay our preacher
so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard
before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service
early.
2. Preacher, we'd like to send you to this Bible
seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment
like a good old-fashioned sermon on giving!
********************************
Water and Coke
WATER
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
(Likely applies to half world population.)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so
weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's
metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger
pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a
University of Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of
water a day could significantly ease back and joint
pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy
short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and
difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a
printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the
risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the
risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%less
likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every
day?
*****
COKE
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol
carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove
blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it
will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the
toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour,
then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes
stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub
the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap
aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour
a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away
the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in
Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into
the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and
bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished,
remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with
the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke
into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run
through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help
loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze
from your windshield.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about four
days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones
and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the
commercial truck must use the Hazardous Material place
cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to
clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Friday, July 29, 2005
hUMOR For July 29th
********************************
Jar 47
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody.
Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr.
Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that
he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told
the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin',
so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told
Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to
taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he
yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,"
said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once
again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he
started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped
now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a
little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and
fled the room!
********************************
An Old Farmer's Advice
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John
Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not
yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than
you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never
gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin'
you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to
do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have
to deal with, watches you from the mirror every
mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta
that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak
kindly. Leave the rest to God.
********************************
Lion Attack
Two wildlife documentary film makers were filming a wild lion in Africa when they both noticed that the lion was about to attack them.
One of the men put down his camera and slowly began changing from his boots into a pair of running shoes. The other man saw this and said, "You know you can't outrun a lion don't you?"
The other man reply's "The way I see it, all I have to do is keep ahead of you and I'll be all right!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." - Kevin Hench
********************************
A Likely Story
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week."
That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."
********************************
A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.
A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You
don't really believe what they say in there, do you?"
"Every word," she replied.
"OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals - do you believe that?"
"Absolutely," she said.
"What about God creating the universe in six days?"
"All true, I believe every word."
"What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in
the belly of a whale?" he asks.
"Yes, I believe that too," she says.
"Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?"
" I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him."
"What if he's not in Heaven," the guy asks.
The lady replies, "In that case, you can ask him!"
********************************
ANNOYING THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE17. "I finished the Oreo's."16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit fromthat Richard Simmons fella."11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"7. "Get your *own* ice cream."6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."5. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."And the Number 1 Annoying Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...1. "Got milk?"
********************************
Turtle Ears
Tradition here in the office is to keep a notepad with the punch lines from
the various jokes that pass through.
I was flipping pages and found "Turtles have such tiny ears!"
I couldn't remember the joke. After searching everyone's memory banks, one
of the folks remembered:
"Why is turtle wax so expensive?"
Jar 47
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody.
Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr.
Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that
he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told
the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin',
so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told
Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to
taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he
yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,"
said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once
again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he
started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped
now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a
little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and
fled the room!
********************************
An Old Farmer's Advice
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John
Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not
yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than
you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never
gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin'
you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to
do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have
to deal with, watches you from the mirror every
mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta
that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak
kindly. Leave the rest to God.
********************************
Lion Attack
Two wildlife documentary film makers were filming a wild lion in Africa when they both noticed that the lion was about to attack them.
One of the men put down his camera and slowly began changing from his boots into a pair of running shoes. The other man saw this and said, "You know you can't outrun a lion don't you?"
The other man reply's "The way I see it, all I have to do is keep ahead of you and I'll be all right!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." - Kevin Hench
********************************
A Likely Story
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week."
That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."
********************************
A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.
A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You
don't really believe what they say in there, do you?"
"Every word," she replied.
"OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals - do you believe that?"
"Absolutely," she said.
"What about God creating the universe in six days?"
"All true, I believe every word."
"What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in
the belly of a whale?" he asks.
"Yes, I believe that too," she says.
"Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?"
" I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him."
"What if he's not in Heaven," the guy asks.
The lady replies, "In that case, you can ask him!"
********************************
ANNOYING THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE17. "I finished the Oreo's."16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit fromthat Richard Simmons fella."11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"7. "Get your *own* ice cream."6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."5. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."And the Number 1 Annoying Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...1. "Got milk?"
********************************
Turtle Ears
Tradition here in the office is to keep a notepad with the punch lines from
the various jokes that pass through.
I was flipping pages and found "Turtles have such tiny ears!"
I couldn't remember the joke. After searching everyone's memory banks, one
of the folks remembered:
"Why is turtle wax so expensive?"
Thursday, July 28, 2005
hUMOR For July 28th
********************************
One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the
side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a
stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a
ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman
walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed
to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly and said, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
********************************
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:
"...underwater."
********************************
Sweat Her Choice
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we
visited, I made sure to wear one.
As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she
said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
********************************
Conspiracy Theory
We are under attack and We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper.
Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther
away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was
dumbfounded to discover how long our street had
become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now,
especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all
the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep
repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do
they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the
same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so
much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the
other day and he has aged so much that he didn't even
recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor guy
while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing
so, I glanced at my own refection..........Well,
REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they
used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!
You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull
onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is,
their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see
them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the
same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually
"believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would
never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report
what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on
the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in
such small type that no one could ever find a number
in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under
attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon
everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
********************************
True or False??
Can you guess which of the following are true and
which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth
every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from
being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even
your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites
every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years
waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any
other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the
sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind
themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit
and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in
"An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South
Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a
mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on
the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903
used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical
cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in
vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would
be green.
Answers below...
They are all TRUE.... Now go back and think about
#16!!!
********************************
Rabbi Sneak
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was no where in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork item on the menu.
While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.
The congregation president is more than a little shocked.
"What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
You know you're a bona fide Catholic, Lutheran or Episcopalian, when you're watching Star Wars, and when you hear "May the Force be with you" you have an overwhelming urge to respond "and also with you".
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Loosing Weight
Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all you youths must deal eventually.
One woman complained that she remained an 'apple-shape' and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay.
Her buddy agreed, saying, "It's true. The lard works in mysterious ways."
********************************
"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You
still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration,
please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
Down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give
me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
The ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to
stop or just slow down?"
One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the
side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a
stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a
ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman
walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed
to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly and said, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
********************************
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:
"...underwater."
********************************
Sweat Her Choice
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we
visited, I made sure to wear one.
As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she
said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
********************************
Conspiracy Theory
We are under attack and We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper.
Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther
away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was
dumbfounded to discover how long our street had
become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now,
especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all
the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep
repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do
they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the
same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so
much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the
other day and he has aged so much that he didn't even
recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor guy
while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing
so, I glanced at my own refection..........Well,
REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they
used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!
You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull
onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is,
their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see
them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the
same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually
"believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would
never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report
what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on
the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in
such small type that no one could ever find a number
in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under
attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon
everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
********************************
True or False??
Can you guess which of the following are true and
which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth
every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from
being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even
your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites
every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years
waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any
other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the
sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind
themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit
and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in
"An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South
Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a
mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on
the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903
used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical
cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in
vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would
be green.
Answers below...
They are all TRUE.... Now go back and think about
#16!!!
********************************
Rabbi Sneak
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was no where in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork item on the menu.
While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.
The congregation president is more than a little shocked.
"What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
You know you're a bona fide Catholic, Lutheran or Episcopalian, when you're watching Star Wars, and when you hear "May the Force be with you" you have an overwhelming urge to respond "and also with you".
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Loosing Weight
Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all you youths must deal eventually.
One woman complained that she remained an 'apple-shape' and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay.
Her buddy agreed, saying, "It's true. The lard works in mysterious ways."
********************************
"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You
still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration,
please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
Down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give
me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
The ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to
stop or just slow down?"
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
hUMOR For July 27th
********************************
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MISSIONARY KID WHEN…
You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"
You speak two languages, but can't spell either.
You flew before you could walk.
You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words mean.
You have a passport, but no driver's license.
You watch National Geographic specials and recognise
someone.
You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
You don't know how to play Pac-Man.
You would rather eat seaweed than cafeteria food.
Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to..." five times.
You speak to different ethnic groups in their own language.
You think in grams, metres, and litres.
You speak with authority on the quality of airline travel.
You send your family peanut butter and Kool-Aid for
Christmas.
You worry about fitting in, and wear a native wrap around
the dorm.
National Geographic makes you homesick.
You have strong opinions about how to cook bugs.
You live at school, work in the tropics, and go home for vacation.
You don't know where home is.
Strangers say they can remember you when you were "this
tall."
You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
You do your devotions in another language.
You sort your friends by continent.
You keep dreaming of a green Christmas.
You tell people where you're from, and their eyes get big.
You are grateful for the speed and efficiency of any postal service.
You realise that furlough is not a vacation.
You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
You've spoken in dozens of churches, but aren't a pastor.
Furlough means that you are stuffed every night... and have
to eat it all to seem polite.
Your parents decline your cousin's offer to let them use his BMW, and stuff all six of you into an old VW Beetle instead.
You stockpile mangoes.
You know what REAL coffee tastes like.
The majority of your friends don't speak English as a first language.
Someone brings up the name of a team, and you get the sport wrong.
You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted ball.
You know there is no such thing as an international
language.
You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism.
You realise what a small world it is, after all.
You never take anything for granted.
You watch a movie set in a foreign country, and you know
what the nationals are REALLY saying into the camera.
You know how to pack.
All preaching sounds better under a corrugated tin roof.
Having four distinct seasons other than: dry, very dry,
rainy, very rainy, is a new experience.
After a couple of years in one spotm, you're ready to move again.
You frequently say, "I don't know, I was out of the
country."
You feel uncomfortable in school without a uniform.
School gets cancelled due to flash flooding.
Tropical fruits aren't imported.
Walking miles to and from school is "normal."
If someone asks what school you went to, you reply, "depends
on the year."
You are afraid to ask what you are eating. But munch away,
with a smile on your face.
********************************
Blonde Jokes
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
BUY A TICKET? A blonde is stopped by a local policeman for speeding. Outraged, the blonde cattily comments to the cop, "And I suppose you want me to buy a couple tickets to this year's 'Policemans' Ball'?" Madam, replies the annoyed officer, "Policemen DON'T have any balls!"
KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooooo", answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
********************************
Women are pretty smart.........
One morning on a lake in Wisconsin, the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (thinking - isn't that obvious?) .
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." She replies."Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up. "If you do that, I"ll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL:Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
********************************
Letter Pride
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"It is unfortunate that, as we grow up, nature robs us of the knowledge of what youngsters are always giggling about."
********************************
Poor Health
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
********************************
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money to begin with?Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billionstars, but check when you say the paint is wet?Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when youthrow a revolver at him?Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes thatsomething new to eat will have materialized?Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people issuffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three siblings. If they're OK, (and they are), then its YOU!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MISSIONARY KID WHEN…
You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"
You speak two languages, but can't spell either.
You flew before you could walk.
You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words mean.
You have a passport, but no driver's license.
You watch National Geographic specials and recognise
someone.
You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
You don't know how to play Pac-Man.
You would rather eat seaweed than cafeteria food.
Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to..." five times.
You speak to different ethnic groups in their own language.
You think in grams, metres, and litres.
You speak with authority on the quality of airline travel.
You send your family peanut butter and Kool-Aid for
Christmas.
You worry about fitting in, and wear a native wrap around
the dorm.
National Geographic makes you homesick.
You have strong opinions about how to cook bugs.
You live at school, work in the tropics, and go home for vacation.
You don't know where home is.
Strangers say they can remember you when you were "this
tall."
You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
You do your devotions in another language.
You sort your friends by continent.
You keep dreaming of a green Christmas.
You tell people where you're from, and their eyes get big.
You are grateful for the speed and efficiency of any postal service.
You realise that furlough is not a vacation.
You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
You've spoken in dozens of churches, but aren't a pastor.
Furlough means that you are stuffed every night... and have
to eat it all to seem polite.
Your parents decline your cousin's offer to let them use his BMW, and stuff all six of you into an old VW Beetle instead.
You stockpile mangoes.
You know what REAL coffee tastes like.
The majority of your friends don't speak English as a first language.
Someone brings up the name of a team, and you get the sport wrong.
You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted ball.
You know there is no such thing as an international
language.
You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism.
You realise what a small world it is, after all.
You never take anything for granted.
You watch a movie set in a foreign country, and you know
what the nationals are REALLY saying into the camera.
You know how to pack.
All preaching sounds better under a corrugated tin roof.
Having four distinct seasons other than: dry, very dry,
rainy, very rainy, is a new experience.
After a couple of years in one spotm, you're ready to move again.
You frequently say, "I don't know, I was out of the
country."
You feel uncomfortable in school without a uniform.
School gets cancelled due to flash flooding.
Tropical fruits aren't imported.
Walking miles to and from school is "normal."
If someone asks what school you went to, you reply, "depends
on the year."
You are afraid to ask what you are eating. But munch away,
with a smile on your face.
********************************
Blonde Jokes
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
BUY A TICKET? A blonde is stopped by a local policeman for speeding. Outraged, the blonde cattily comments to the cop, "And I suppose you want me to buy a couple tickets to this year's 'Policemans' Ball'?" Madam, replies the annoyed officer, "Policemen DON'T have any balls!"
KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooooo", answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
********************************
Women are pretty smart.........
One morning on a lake in Wisconsin, the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (thinking - isn't that obvious?) .
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." She replies."Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up. "If you do that, I"ll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL:Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
********************************
Letter Pride
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"It is unfortunate that, as we grow up, nature robs us of the knowledge of what youngsters are always giggling about."
********************************
Poor Health
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
********************************
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money to begin with?Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billionstars, but check when you say the paint is wet?Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when youthrow a revolver at him?Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes thatsomething new to eat will have materialized?Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people issuffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three siblings. If they're OK, (and they are), then its YOU!
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
hUMOR For July 26th
********************************
/* This one is a classic, but still good. */You know you are an addicted internet junkie if...1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.8. Tech support calls YOU for help.9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.18. You say......."Where did the time go??"19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.23. You think faster than the computer.24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.26. You're on the phone and say BRB.27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP."29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.
/* This one is a classic, but still good. */You know you are an addicted internet junkie if...1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.8. Tech support calls YOU for help.9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.18. You say......."Where did the time go??"19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.23. You think faster than the computer.24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.26. You're on the phone and say BRB.27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP."29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.
Monday, July 25, 2005
hUMOR For July 25th
********************************
This looks like what every handyman should have.WD-40 - I thought that you might like to know more about this well-known product.
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been.The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts.The workers were so pleased with the product they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.The rest is history.It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. One of them is the "brewmaster." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets its distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew.Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.Here are some of the uses:Protects silver from tarnishingCleans and lubricates guitar stringsGets oil spots off concrete drivewaysGives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slipperyKeeps flies off cowsRestores and cleans chalkboardsRemoves lipstick stainsLoosens stubborn zippersUntangles jewelry chainsRemoves stains from stainless steel sinksRemoves dirt and grime from the barbecue grillKeeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizingRemoves tomato stains from clothingKeeps glass shower doors free of water spotsCamouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floorsKeeps scissors working smoothlyLubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homesGives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slideLubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowersRids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noisesLubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to openSpraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and closeRestores and cleans padded leather dashboards and vinyl bumpersRestores and cleans roof racks on vehiclesLubricates and stops squeaks in electric fansLubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handlingLubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothlyKeeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other toolsRemoves splattered grease on stoveKeeps bathroom mirror from foggingLubricates prosthetic limbsKeeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)Removes all traces of duct tapeI have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpersThe favorite use in the state of New York -- WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. It's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. (If I knew what a distributor cap was, it might help)WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape mung (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days!Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor!
UseWD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
********************************
Husbands for saleA Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates.There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.... As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.So, a woman goes to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find a husband......On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, aredrop-dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, aredrop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
********************************
An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was
walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind
him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, and
the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled
over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching
for him
with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you
could make the BEAR a Christian?"
Said the voice. "Very well,"
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and
spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord. Amen."
This looks like what every handyman should have.WD-40 - I thought that you might like to know more about this well-known product.
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been.The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts.The workers were so pleased with the product they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.The rest is history.It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. One of them is the "brewmaster." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets its distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew.Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.Here are some of the uses:Protects silver from tarnishingCleans and lubricates guitar stringsGets oil spots off concrete drivewaysGives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slipperyKeeps flies off cowsRestores and cleans chalkboardsRemoves lipstick stainsLoosens stubborn zippersUntangles jewelry chainsRemoves stains from stainless steel sinksRemoves dirt and grime from the barbecue grillKeeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizingRemoves tomato stains from clothingKeeps glass shower doors free of water spotsCamouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floorsKeeps scissors working smoothlyLubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homesGives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slideLubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowersRids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noisesLubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to openSpraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and closeRestores and cleans padded leather dashboards and vinyl bumpersRestores and cleans roof racks on vehiclesLubricates and stops squeaks in electric fansLubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handlingLubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothlyKeeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other toolsRemoves splattered grease on stoveKeeps bathroom mirror from foggingLubricates prosthetic limbsKeeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)Removes all traces of duct tapeI have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpersThe favorite use in the state of New York -- WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. It's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. (If I knew what a distributor cap was, it might help)WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape mung (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days!Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor!
UseWD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
********************************
Husbands for saleA Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates.There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.... As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.So, a woman goes to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find a husband......On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, aredrop-dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, aredrop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
********************************
An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was
walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind
him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, and
the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled
over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching
for him
with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you
could make the BEAR a Christian?"
Said the voice. "Very well,"
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and
spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord. Amen."
Sunday, July 24, 2005
hUMOR For July 24th
********************************
Paid in Full
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A
billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When
she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"
The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell
everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day.
********************************
Two Kids
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense." - Robert Frost
********************************
Appearance of Evil
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. He yells, "What are you doing here!?!"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Paid in Full
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A
billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When
she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"
The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell
everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day.
********************************
Two Kids
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense." - Robert Frost
********************************
Appearance of Evil
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. He yells, "What are you doing here!?!"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Saturday, July 23, 2005
hUMOR For July 23rd
********************************
Grocery Pickup
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing.
I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she asked him, "How will you be paying?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - King Ozymndias
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
********************************
"Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning."
"Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but
you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist." - James Garner
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin
"Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have got him."
"A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds
of questions he can answer." - Ronald Colman
"Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you',
after marriage they are, 'let's eat out'."
"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher." - Socrates
"A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect
me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'
"
"It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use
it."
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." - Bill Lawrence
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because she knows that the average man can see much better
than he can think." - Ladies Home Journal
"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband." - Michel de Montaingne
"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." - Arthur
Baer
"Marriage is a great institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry
"You have only to mumble a few words in church to get
married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced."
"If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the
fact that you can't afford divorce." - Jack Nicholson
"The person who marries for money usually earns every penny
of it."
"The most difficult years of marriage are those following
the wedding."
"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life
to be thankful for a good one." - Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
"Marriage is like twirling a baton, handsprings, or eating
with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it."
"If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship,
there would be fewer divorces - and more bankruptcies." - Frances Rodman
"Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a
joke."
"Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales."
"There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage."
"In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems." - Shelley Winters
"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a
higher opinion of him than he deserves." - Edgar Watson Howe
"The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted." - Heywood Broun
********************************
Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.
Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."
She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"
********************************
You might be a
redneck if...
1. Your wife/sister complains about that framed
portrait of Hulk Hogan over the fireplace.
2. More than one living relative is named after a
Southern Civil War general.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and
Minutemaid taste test.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
7. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
8. Your front porch collapses and kills more than
three dogs.
10. You've ever used lard in bed.
11. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable
spool.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
14. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
15. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
16. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
17. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors
d'ouvre.
18. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
19. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your
front door to make it look nice.
20. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
21. You own a homemade fur coat.
22. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
23. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
24. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
25. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently
on the floorboard of your car.
********************************
Biblical
Question
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new
teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time
for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's
somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel
crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,
right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the
Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So
what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz
all the grown-ups doin"?
********************************
From July 1996 READER'S DIGEST:
SHOOTING FROM THE LIP
Contributed by Todd W. Kaiser
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my
children's world travels: one son was teaching in
Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my
daughter was completing a yearlong research project in
India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me
short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes
your kids want to get so far away?"
********************************
I had just arrived on the scene where a fellow
patrol officer had stopped a motorist for a traffic
violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign
car, the red-faced driver was frantically waiving his
hands and jumping up and down. "I'll have your job
for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.
"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied my
unruffled colleague as he wrote out the citation.
"The hours are long, the pay is low and you meet some
of the nastiest people."
********************************
HOW'S THAT AGAIN?
On a coupon for a deli in Ringoes, N.J.: "Present
this ad and receive Free Small Italian with purchase
of a six-pack of soda."
>From a notice announcing a trip to Alaska in the
Glastonbury, Conn., RIVEREAST NEWS BULLETIN: "Four
days of cursing and relaxing aboard the Sun Princess."
Sign posted in front of a restaurant in Spring, Texas:
"Evening special. Men dine half-price when
accompanied by a lady of equal or lesser value."
********************************
QUOTABLE QUOTES
The trouble with talking too fast is you may say
something you haven't thought of yet. Ann Landers
A true measure of your worth includes all the benefits
others have gained from your success. Cullen
Hightower
The most important outcome of education is to help
students become independent of formal education. Paul
E. Gray in TECHNOLOGY REVIEW
It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love
one's neighbor. Eric Hoffer
Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you
feel like stripping your gears. Barbara Johnson
Having children makes you no more a parent than having
a piano makes you a pianist. Michael Levine
We learn only when it is too late that the marvel is
the passing moment. Francios Mitterand
Ninety percent of politics is deciding whom to blame.
Meg Greenfield in NEWSWEEK
Grocery Pickup
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing.
I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she asked him, "How will you be paying?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - King Ozymndias
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
********************************
"Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning."
"Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but
you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist." - James Garner
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin
"Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have got him."
"A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds
of questions he can answer." - Ronald Colman
"Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you',
after marriage they are, 'let's eat out'."
"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher." - Socrates
"A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect
me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'
"
"It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use
it."
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." - Bill Lawrence
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because she knows that the average man can see much better
than he can think." - Ladies Home Journal
"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband." - Michel de Montaingne
"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." - Arthur
Baer
"Marriage is a great institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry
"You have only to mumble a few words in church to get
married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced."
"If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the
fact that you can't afford divorce." - Jack Nicholson
"The person who marries for money usually earns every penny
of it."
"The most difficult years of marriage are those following
the wedding."
"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life
to be thankful for a good one." - Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
"Marriage is like twirling a baton, handsprings, or eating
with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it."
"If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship,
there would be fewer divorces - and more bankruptcies." - Frances Rodman
"Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a
joke."
"Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales."
"There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage."
"In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems." - Shelley Winters
"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a
higher opinion of him than he deserves." - Edgar Watson Howe
"The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted." - Heywood Broun
********************************
Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.
Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."
She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"
********************************
You might be a
redneck if...
1. Your wife/sister complains about that framed
portrait of Hulk Hogan over the fireplace.
2. More than one living relative is named after a
Southern Civil War general.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and
Minutemaid taste test.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
7. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
8. Your front porch collapses and kills more than
three dogs.
10. You've ever used lard in bed.
11. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable
spool.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
14. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
15. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
16. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
17. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors
d'ouvre.
18. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
19. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your
front door to make it look nice.
20. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
21. You own a homemade fur coat.
22. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
23. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
24. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
25. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently
on the floorboard of your car.
********************************
Biblical
Question
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new
teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time
for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's
somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel
crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,
right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the
Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So
what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz
all the grown-ups doin"?
********************************
From July 1996 READER'S DIGEST:
SHOOTING FROM THE LIP
Contributed by Todd W. Kaiser
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my
children's world travels: one son was teaching in
Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my
daughter was completing a yearlong research project in
India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me
short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes
your kids want to get so far away?"
********************************
I had just arrived on the scene where a fellow
patrol officer had stopped a motorist for a traffic
violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign
car, the red-faced driver was frantically waiving his
hands and jumping up and down. "I'll have your job
for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.
"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied my
unruffled colleague as he wrote out the citation.
"The hours are long, the pay is low and you meet some
of the nastiest people."
********************************
HOW'S THAT AGAIN?
On a coupon for a deli in Ringoes, N.J.: "Present
this ad and receive Free Small Italian with purchase
of a six-pack of soda."
>From a notice announcing a trip to Alaska in the
Glastonbury, Conn., RIVEREAST NEWS BULLETIN: "Four
days of cursing and relaxing aboard the Sun Princess."
Sign posted in front of a restaurant in Spring, Texas:
"Evening special. Men dine half-price when
accompanied by a lady of equal or lesser value."
********************************
QUOTABLE QUOTES
The trouble with talking too fast is you may say
something you haven't thought of yet. Ann Landers
A true measure of your worth includes all the benefits
others have gained from your success. Cullen
Hightower
The most important outcome of education is to help
students become independent of formal education. Paul
E. Gray in TECHNOLOGY REVIEW
It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love
one's neighbor. Eric Hoffer
Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you
feel like stripping your gears. Barbara Johnson
Having children makes you no more a parent than having
a piano makes you a pianist. Michael Levine
We learn only when it is too late that the marvel is
the passing moment. Francios Mitterand
Ninety percent of politics is deciding whom to blame.
Meg Greenfield in NEWSWEEK
Friday, July 22, 2005
hUMOR For July 22nd
********************************
Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man
shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list,
and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we
really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
********************************
The Hokey Pokey
*The Hokey Pokey*Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,Your left foot out,Your left foot in,And shake it all about.You do the hokey pokeyAnd turn yourself aroundThat's what it's all about.
*The Hokey Pokey*Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick withinThen soon upon a backward journey lithe.Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
********************************
CleanQuote.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.... So I took her to a gas station!
********************************
Secret Sin
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.
As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car.
********************************
Your bedroom isn't cluttered. It's just "passage
restrictive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social
speed bumps."
You're not late. You just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day. You're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You're not long-winded. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy
transmission of near-factual information."
AND FOR STUDENTS...
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's
"digestively challenged."
No one fails a class anymore. He's merely "passing
impaired."
You don't have detention. You're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk. It's just "closure prohibitive."
Your homework isn't missing. It's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class. You're "rationing
consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks. You have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating
in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're
"going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
********************************
Why does everything seem to fall
apart this time of year!???
The guy that fixes things went in to the dryer &
pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. We always
clean the lint from the filter after every load of
clothes. He told us that he wanted to show us
something. He took the filter over to the sink & ran
hot water over it.
Now, the lint filter is made of a mesh material - I'm
sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks
like. WELL......the hot water just sat on top of the
mesh!!! It didn't go through it at all!!!
He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that
mesh & that's what burns out the heating unit. You
can't SEE the film, but it's there.
He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a
very long time (& to keep your electric bill lower) is
to take that filter out & wash it with hot soapy water
& an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every
six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer
at least twice as long! How about that???!!!! Learn
something new everyday! I certainly didn't know dryer
sheets would do that. So, I thought I'd share!
Note: I went to my dryer & tested my screen by
running water on it. The water ran thru a little bit
but mostly collected all the water in the mesh screen.
I washed it with warm soapy water & a nylon brush & I
had it done in 30 seconds. Then when I rinsed it the
water ran right thru the screen! There wasn't any
puddling at all! That repairman knew what he was
talking about!
********************************
Buy a BibleA pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financialtroubles.While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons ofnew bibles that had never been opened and distributed.So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from thecongregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul,and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen andwere likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts aboutLouie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because hewas embarrassed by his speech impediment.Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, theminister decided to let him try anyway.He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their carsstacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report theresults of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediatelyasked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my salesprowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected onbehalf of the church.""Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You areindeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the churchlast week?"Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am aprofessional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, andhere's $280 I collected."The minister responded, " That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You aretruly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, didyou manage to sell any bibles last week?"Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend openedit and counted the contents."What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here!Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door,in just one week? Louie just nodded.That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We areprofessional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many biblesas we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I thinkyou'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-forsh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered.Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell uswhat you said to them when they answered the door!""A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-wouldy-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-biblef-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-justl-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-t-0toy-y-you??"
Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man
shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list,
and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we
really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
********************************
The Hokey Pokey
*The Hokey Pokey*Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,Your left foot out,Your left foot in,And shake it all about.You do the hokey pokeyAnd turn yourself aroundThat's what it's all about.
*The Hokey Pokey*Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick withinThen soon upon a backward journey lithe.Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
********************************
CleanQuote.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.... So I took her to a gas station!
********************************
Secret Sin
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.
As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car.
********************************
Your bedroom isn't cluttered. It's just "passage
restrictive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social
speed bumps."
You're not late. You just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day. You're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You're not long-winded. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy
transmission of near-factual information."
AND FOR STUDENTS...
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's
"digestively challenged."
No one fails a class anymore. He's merely "passing
impaired."
You don't have detention. You're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk. It's just "closure prohibitive."
Your homework isn't missing. It's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class. You're "rationing
consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks. You have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating
in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're
"going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
********************************
Why does everything seem to fall
apart this time of year!???
The guy that fixes things went in to the dryer &
pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. We always
clean the lint from the filter after every load of
clothes. He told us that he wanted to show us
something. He took the filter over to the sink & ran
hot water over it.
Now, the lint filter is made of a mesh material - I'm
sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks
like. WELL......the hot water just sat on top of the
mesh!!! It didn't go through it at all!!!
He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that
mesh & that's what burns out the heating unit. You
can't SEE the film, but it's there.
He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a
very long time (& to keep your electric bill lower) is
to take that filter out & wash it with hot soapy water
& an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every
six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer
at least twice as long! How about that???!!!! Learn
something new everyday! I certainly didn't know dryer
sheets would do that. So, I thought I'd share!
Note: I went to my dryer & tested my screen by
running water on it. The water ran thru a little bit
but mostly collected all the water in the mesh screen.
I washed it with warm soapy water & a nylon brush & I
had it done in 30 seconds. Then when I rinsed it the
water ran right thru the screen! There wasn't any
puddling at all! That repairman knew what he was
talking about!
********************************
Buy a BibleA pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financialtroubles.While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons ofnew bibles that had never been opened and distributed.So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from thecongregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul,and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen andwere likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts aboutLouie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because hewas embarrassed by his speech impediment.Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, theminister decided to let him try anyway.He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their carsstacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report theresults of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediatelyasked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my salesprowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected onbehalf of the church.""Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You areindeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the churchlast week?"Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am aprofessional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, andhere's $280 I collected."The minister responded, " That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You aretruly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, didyou manage to sell any bibles last week?"Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend openedit and counted the contents."What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here!Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door,in just one week? Louie just nodded.That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We areprofessional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many biblesas we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I thinkyou'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-forsh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered.Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell uswhat you said to them when they answered the door!""A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-wouldy-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-biblef-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-justl-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-t-0toy-y-you??"
Thursday, July 21, 2005
hUMOR For July 21st
********************************
Perfectly Made
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
The proper response to "Good morning", is not "Prove it!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Customs Declaration
After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."
********************************
This is my first day out of mourning. My cousin died. He was
a dyslexic policeman who had a heart attack. They found him
by the phone trying to dial 119. - Joan Rivers
I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them. --Bruce Clark
Did you hear about those two students in New York who sued
Pace University because the math in their computer course
was too hard? They won $1,000, but actually, the school got
the last laugh. They gave the kids $700 and told them it was $1,000. - Jay Leno
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: "Basement?" - Rodney Dangerfield
The only time you don't need a prenuptial is if he has no children...he's got a bad cough and a walker. --Ivana Trump (on ex-husband Donald)
It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane the pilot was putting the 'club' on the steering wheel. - John Mendoza
What a life. When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go
ice skating. He told me to wait until it gets warmer. --
Rodney Dangerfield
The last time I tried to get into the normal work force the
guy told me I had to wear high heels. I'll wear the high
heels but I am going to need a handicapped parking space. -- Margaret Smith
********************************
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
- I am at one with my duality.
- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.
- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
********************************
MY MOTHER THE TEACHER
My Mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside--
I just finished cleaning"
My Mother taught me RELIGION
"you better pray that will come out of the carpet"
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, i'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week"
My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, That's why"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
an accident"
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about"
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"
My mother taught me to be a CONTORTIONIST
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all the spiniach is finished"
My mother taught me about the WEATHER
"It looks like a tornado swept through your room ".
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward
you--would you listen?"
My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million
times--Don't Exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I Brought you into this world, and I can take you
out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are million of less fortunate children in this
world who wish they had food-- now eat everything on
your plate!"
THANKS; MOM!
********************************
CleanLaugh.
It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."
Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Some people are making such thorough preparations for a rainy day that they completely miss today's sunshine."
********************************
Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
********************************
Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
Perfectly Made
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
The proper response to "Good morning", is not "Prove it!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Customs Declaration
After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."
********************************
This is my first day out of mourning. My cousin died. He was
a dyslexic policeman who had a heart attack. They found him
by the phone trying to dial 119. - Joan Rivers
I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them. --Bruce Clark
Did you hear about those two students in New York who sued
Pace University because the math in their computer course
was too hard? They won $1,000, but actually, the school got
the last laugh. They gave the kids $700 and told them it was $1,000. - Jay Leno
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: "Basement?" - Rodney Dangerfield
The only time you don't need a prenuptial is if he has no children...he's got a bad cough and a walker. --Ivana Trump (on ex-husband Donald)
It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane the pilot was putting the 'club' on the steering wheel. - John Mendoza
What a life. When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go
ice skating. He told me to wait until it gets warmer. --
Rodney Dangerfield
The last time I tried to get into the normal work force the
guy told me I had to wear high heels. I'll wear the high
heels but I am going to need a handicapped parking space. -- Margaret Smith
********************************
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
- I am at one with my duality.
- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.
- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
********************************
MY MOTHER THE TEACHER
My Mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside--
I just finished cleaning"
My Mother taught me RELIGION
"you better pray that will come out of the carpet"
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, i'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week"
My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, That's why"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
an accident"
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about"
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"
My mother taught me to be a CONTORTIONIST
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all the spiniach is finished"
My mother taught me about the WEATHER
"It looks like a tornado swept through your room ".
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward
you--would you listen?"
My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million
times--Don't Exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I Brought you into this world, and I can take you
out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are million of less fortunate children in this
world who wish they had food-- now eat everything on
your plate!"
THANKS; MOM!
********************************
CleanLaugh.
It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."
Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Some people are making such thorough preparations for a rainy day that they completely miss today's sunshine."
********************************
Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
********************************
Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
hUMOR For July 20th
********************************
Skiing Experience
Miss the experience of skiing? Try the following to get that feeling back.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in bad weather and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"You can really tell when you've grown up. It's the day that you can sit down and have a truly hearty laugh -- at yourself."
********************************
Compromise and Adjustment
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags thatsay: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
********************************
Dawson and his wife, Jennifer, had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
Dawson did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
First Time in Church
The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with
her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church.
"I liked the music," she replied, "but the commercial was too long."
********************************
My wife, who is blonde
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I
didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought,
what the heck and I started jumping up and down along
with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news
for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so
happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing
heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she
told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and
kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I
couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more." I asked,
"What do you mean, more?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we
are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to
Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test
kit and both tests came out positive!"
********************************
Anesthesiology Bill
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."
Skiing Experience
Miss the experience of skiing? Try the following to get that feeling back.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in bad weather and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"You can really tell when you've grown up. It's the day that you can sit down and have a truly hearty laugh -- at yourself."
********************************
Compromise and Adjustment
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags thatsay: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
********************************
Dawson and his wife, Jennifer, had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
Dawson did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
First Time in Church
The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with
her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church.
"I liked the music," she replied, "but the commercial was too long."
********************************
My wife, who is blonde
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I
didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought,
what the heck and I started jumping up and down along
with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news
for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so
happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing
heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she
told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and
kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I
couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more." I asked,
"What do you mean, more?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we
are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to
Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test
kit and both tests came out positive!"
********************************
Anesthesiology Bill
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
hUMOR For July 19th
********************************
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives,
so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
********************************
Insurance Reflection
Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun - that may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy." - Rita Rudner
********************************
Housework
I was tidying up the house but finding the task difficult because of a pulled muscle in my lower back.
As I was collecting the trash, something fell to the floor. Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the pain, I stooped to retrieve the item.
I couldn't help laughing when I realized it was an envelope marked "Do Not Bend."
********************************
A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country. When he returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
He replied, "Have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van with those you thought you loved?"
********************************
Car vs. Truck
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little
sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old
truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out
of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0
to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My
birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale...
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
Oreo Test....
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which
people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into
their personalities. Choose which method best
describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results
of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like
Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with
abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree
with some hint of recklessness. You are totally
irresponsible. No one should trust you with their
children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the
5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very
same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but
that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're
very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every
detail with every thing you do to the point of being
anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of
the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed
limit.
4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you
get your work done quickly. You always have a million
things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always
up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences
and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are
in total denial about the shambles you call a life.
You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You
have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in
breaking things apart to find out how they work,
though not always able to put them back together, so
you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You
deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the
cookie. You are good at business and take risk that
pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest
away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings
for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But
that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away
from small furry animals and seek professional medical
help - immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo
cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and
like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale
restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the
things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just
right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim. Nobody
likes you.
********************************
DEATH OF AN INNOCENT
I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda
instead. I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you
said I would. I didn't drink and drive, Mom, even
though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are
always right. Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as
everyone is driving out of sight. As I got into my
car, Mom, I knew I'd get home in one piece. Because of
the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into
the road, the other car didn't see me, Mom, and hit me
like a load. As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I
hear the policeman say, the other guy is drunk, Mom,
and now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom. I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst
like a balloon. There is blood all around me, Mom, and
most of it is mine. I hear the medic say, Mom, I'll
die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn't
drink. It was the others, Mom. The others didn't
think. He was probably at the same party as I. The
only difference is, he drank and I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don't think
it's fair. I'm lying here dying and all he can do is
stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be
brave. And when I go to heaven, Mom, put "Daddy's
Girl" on my grave Someone should have told him, Mom,
not to drink and drive. If only they had told him,
Mom, I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I'm becoming very
scared. Please don't cry for me, Mom. When I needed
you, you were always there. I have one last question,
Mom, before I say good bye. I didn't drink and drive,
so why am I the one to die?
-Anonymous
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives,
so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
********************************
Insurance Reflection
Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun - that may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy." - Rita Rudner
********************************
Housework
I was tidying up the house but finding the task difficult because of a pulled muscle in my lower back.
As I was collecting the trash, something fell to the floor. Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the pain, I stooped to retrieve the item.
I couldn't help laughing when I realized it was an envelope marked "Do Not Bend."
********************************
A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country. When he returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
He replied, "Have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van with those you thought you loved?"
********************************
Car vs. Truck
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little
sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old
truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out
of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0
to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My
birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale...
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
Oreo Test....
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which
people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into
their personalities. Choose which method best
describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results
of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like
Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with
abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree
with some hint of recklessness. You are totally
irresponsible. No one should trust you with their
children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the
5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very
same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but
that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're
very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every
detail with every thing you do to the point of being
anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of
the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed
limit.
4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you
get your work done quickly. You always have a million
things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always
up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences
and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are
in total denial about the shambles you call a life.
You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You
have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in
breaking things apart to find out how they work,
though not always able to put them back together, so
you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You
deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the
cookie. You are good at business and take risk that
pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest
away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings
for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But
that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away
from small furry animals and seek professional medical
help - immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo
cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and
like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale
restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the
things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just
right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim. Nobody
likes you.
********************************
DEATH OF AN INNOCENT
I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda
instead. I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you
said I would. I didn't drink and drive, Mom, even
though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are
always right. Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as
everyone is driving out of sight. As I got into my
car, Mom, I knew I'd get home in one piece. Because of
the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into
the road, the other car didn't see me, Mom, and hit me
like a load. As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I
hear the policeman say, the other guy is drunk, Mom,
and now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom. I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst
like a balloon. There is blood all around me, Mom, and
most of it is mine. I hear the medic say, Mom, I'll
die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn't
drink. It was the others, Mom. The others didn't
think. He was probably at the same party as I. The
only difference is, he drank and I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don't think
it's fair. I'm lying here dying and all he can do is
stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be
brave. And when I go to heaven, Mom, put "Daddy's
Girl" on my grave Someone should have told him, Mom,
not to drink and drive. If only they had told him,
Mom, I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I'm becoming very
scared. Please don't cry for me, Mom. When I needed
you, you were always there. I have one last question,
Mom, before I say good bye. I didn't drink and drive,
so why am I the one to die?
-Anonymous
Monday, July 18, 2005
hUMOR For July 18th
********************************
Come and Get Me
My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up. She must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later.
She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she cheerfully said, "Come and get me!"
The man said, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home."
********************************
Trivia Game
Can you guess which of the following are true and
which are false?
Read each carefully and decide which are true and
which are false:
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth
every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from
being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even
your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites
every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years
waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any
other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the
sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind
themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit
and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in
"An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South
Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a
mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on
the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903
used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical
cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in
vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would
be green.
See answers below
The questions above... They are all true!!!!!!
Now go back and think about #16 again.
Come and Get Me
My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up. She must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later.
She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she cheerfully said, "Come and get me!"
The man said, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home."
********************************
Trivia Game
Can you guess which of the following are true and
which are false?
Read each carefully and decide which are true and
which are false:
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth
every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from
being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even
your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites
every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years
waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any
other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the
sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind
themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit
and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in
"An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South
Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a
mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on
the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903
used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical
cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in
vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would
be green.
See answers below
The questions above... They are all true!!!!!!
Now go back and think about #16 again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)