********************************
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
********************************
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty
swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his
ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he
could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the
ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him
coming and asked "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
********************************
Bedtime Suggestion
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed- time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
********************************
The Kids Behind You,
There is a caricature of young people that says they
are hopelessly self- centered and uncaring,
pleasure-seeking and unspiritual. That vision of the
kids coming behind us makes some educators,
politicians, and churchmen cry out in holy horror.
What will happen when they are at the levers of power?
Things may not be nearly so bad with high school and
college students as some have led us to think. If one
takes seriously the findings of a couple of
researchers whose work is being done under the
auspices of the Higher Education Research Institute at
UCLA, there is reason to be encouraged.
The study collected a wealth of data from 112,232
entering college freshmen during the first week of
school at 236 U.S. colleges last fall. Dr. Helen
Astin, co-leader of the project, said their findings
"have taken us by surprise."
* Almost 80 percent of college freshmen believe in
God.
* More than two-thirds of them pray.
* More than 70 percent say they wrestle with the
question of life's deeper meaning and want their
college experience to help them in their struggle.
* Forty percent say it is very important to follow
religious teaching in their everyday life in the
classroom and workplace.
Perhaps things aren't quite as bleak as some have been
telling us! And maybe it would be wiser for parents,
teachers, and clergy to do something helpful to
provide positive spiritual nurture for these young men
and women than to castigate them for the sake of the
image some of their peers may have projected.
If college years constitute a time of intellectual and
social exploration, we should expect these
twenty-somethings to raise and wrestle with
fundamental questions. Perhaps some of us who are
older haven't taken them seriously enough. Haven't
offered them very compelling responses to their hard
questions. Haven't modeled the sort of life that
reflects the values we claim to embrace.
Previous studies of spiritual interests and religious
activity among college students indicate that these
concerns lessen as they move through four years of undergraduate training. Perhaps that finding reflects the sad fact that many students fail to find mentors and role models during their educational careers.
Whether educator, workplace guide, or parent, take
heart that the kids behind you aren't the hopeless
cases some have said. And set yourself the goal of
helping at least one of them find the meaning he or
she is searching to know.
********************************
Clean Quote.
"I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
********************************
Get Better Soon
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and
hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable
keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients'
bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
hUMOR For June 29th
********************************
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN ONLY
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty,
each course will accept a maximum of eight
participants. The course covers two days, and topics
covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS (Step by step guide with
slide presentation)
TOILET PAPER ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
(Roundtable discussion)
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR (Practicing
with hamper - Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN
SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? (Debate among a
panel of experts)
LOSS OF VIRILITY (Losing the remote control to your
wife and children - Help line and support groups)
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS (Starting with looking in
the right place instead of turning the house upside
down while screaming - Open forum)
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR
THE GARBAGE CAN? (Group discussion and role play)
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO
YOUR HEALTH (PowerPoint presentation)
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST (Real life
testimonial from the one man who did)
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE
PARALLEL PARKS? (Driving simulation)
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR
MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE (Online class and role playing)
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION (Relaxation
exercises, meditation and breathing techniques)
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE
GOING TO BE LATE (Bring your calendar or PDA to class)
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG
ALL THE TIME (Individual counsellors available)
********************************
From Magazine Supplement with UK Newspaper, The Mail on
Sunday
The Secret of Personal Growth -- Shoes with Lifts
Learn to be Assertive -- Take Charge of the TV Remote
Control
How to Speak in Public -- How to Say "There's a Queue/Line" Without Getting Punched
How to Win Friends -- The Advantages of Showering Daily
Discovering Your Inner Self -- Do It Yourself Microsurgery
Realisation Through Yoga -- Realising You Can't Get Your
Feet Behind Your Head
Boost Self-Confidence -- Stand Up to Door-to-Door Salesmen
Developing a Better Image -- Plastic Surgery
Achieving Self-Awareness -- Knowing Your Alcohol Limit
The Easy Way to Wealth -- Marry Someone Rich
********************************
Shovel Need
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."
********************************
Divorce and Bitterness
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client, "Jill, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."
"Fair to both!" exploded Jill. "I could have done that myself. Why do you think I hired a lawyer?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Mouse Review
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
"What did you find?" he asks.
"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see. Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'."
"And how is it?"
"The book was better."
********************************
Measure It
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother and I
decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because the bed was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to
be visiting my mother one day when I called home.
"Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN ONLY
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty,
each course will accept a maximum of eight
participants. The course covers two days, and topics
covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS (Step by step guide with
slide presentation)
TOILET PAPER ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
(Roundtable discussion)
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR (Practicing
with hamper - Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN
SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? (Debate among a
panel of experts)
LOSS OF VIRILITY (Losing the remote control to your
wife and children - Help line and support groups)
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS (Starting with looking in
the right place instead of turning the house upside
down while screaming - Open forum)
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR
THE GARBAGE CAN? (Group discussion and role play)
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO
YOUR HEALTH (PowerPoint presentation)
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST (Real life
testimonial from the one man who did)
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE
PARALLEL PARKS? (Driving simulation)
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR
MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE (Online class and role playing)
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION (Relaxation
exercises, meditation and breathing techniques)
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE
GOING TO BE LATE (Bring your calendar or PDA to class)
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG
ALL THE TIME (Individual counsellors available)
********************************
From Magazine Supplement with UK Newspaper, The Mail on
Sunday
The Secret of Personal Growth -- Shoes with Lifts
Learn to be Assertive -- Take Charge of the TV Remote
Control
How to Speak in Public -- How to Say "There's a Queue/Line" Without Getting Punched
How to Win Friends -- The Advantages of Showering Daily
Discovering Your Inner Self -- Do It Yourself Microsurgery
Realisation Through Yoga -- Realising You Can't Get Your
Feet Behind Your Head
Boost Self-Confidence -- Stand Up to Door-to-Door Salesmen
Developing a Better Image -- Plastic Surgery
Achieving Self-Awareness -- Knowing Your Alcohol Limit
The Easy Way to Wealth -- Marry Someone Rich
********************************
Shovel Need
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."
********************************
Divorce and Bitterness
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client, "Jill, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."
"Fair to both!" exploded Jill. "I could have done that myself. Why do you think I hired a lawyer?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Mouse Review
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
"What did you find?" he asks.
"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see. Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'."
"And how is it?"
"The book was better."
********************************
Measure It
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother and I
decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because the bed was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to
be visiting my mother one day when I called home.
"Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
hUMOR For June 28th
********************************
Subject: US Redneck Special Forces
Date: Sun, 5 Jun 2005 05:07:44 -0400
US Redneck Special Forces
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new
500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK
SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These North Carolina,
Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and
Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been
given the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or
Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt. This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
********************************
The Cost of Kids
The government recently calculated the cost of raising
a child from birth to 18 and came up $160,140! That
doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with
kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all
the money we could have banked if not for (insert your
child's name here). For others, that number might
confirm the decision to remain childless.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It
translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or
$171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day! Just over
a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best
financial advice says don't have children if you want
to be "rich". It is just the opposite.
What do your get for your $160,140? Naming rights.
First, middle, and last! Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night. More love than
your heart can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm
cookies. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam. A
partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building
sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the
pouring rain. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no
matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed
that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off
the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the
bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool,
coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a
baseball team that never wins but always gets treated
to ice cream regardless. You get a front row seat to
history to witness the first step, first word, first
bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel. You
get to be immortal. You get another branch added to
your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of
limbs in your obituary called grandchildren. You get
an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with
God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare
away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart,
police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love
them without limits, so one day they will, like you,
love without counting the cost.
********************************
There were two old guys, Abe and Ken, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Ken and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Ken thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Ken is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Ken... Ken...."
Ken responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Ken," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Ken, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Ken.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Ken says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
********************************
A little something for the pet lovers!)
Dear Dog and/or Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our
front door..... Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like
to complain about our pets: 1. They live here; you don't. 2.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet better than I like most people. 4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have young, you can sell the results.
********************************
Computer Error
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bob the computer guy, to come over. Bob clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out.... I D 1 0 T
I used to like Bob!
********************************
CleanQuote.
"God answers all the prayers. Sometimes he answers 'yes,' sometimes he answers 'no,' and sometimes the answer is 'you gotta be kidding.'" - Jimmy Carter (on Larry King Live)
Subject: US Redneck Special Forces
Date: Sun, 5 Jun 2005 05:07:44 -0400
US Redneck Special Forces
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new
500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK
SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These North Carolina,
Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and
Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been
given the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or
Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt. This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
********************************
The Cost of Kids
The government recently calculated the cost of raising
a child from birth to 18 and came up $160,140! That
doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with
kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all
the money we could have banked if not for (insert your
child's name here). For others, that number might
confirm the decision to remain childless.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It
translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or
$171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day! Just over
a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best
financial advice says don't have children if you want
to be "rich". It is just the opposite.
What do your get for your $160,140? Naming rights.
First, middle, and last! Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night. More love than
your heart can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm
cookies. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam. A
partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building
sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the
pouring rain. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no
matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed
that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off
the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the
bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool,
coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a
baseball team that never wins but always gets treated
to ice cream regardless. You get a front row seat to
history to witness the first step, first word, first
bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel. You
get to be immortal. You get another branch added to
your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of
limbs in your obituary called grandchildren. You get
an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with
God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare
away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart,
police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love
them without limits, so one day they will, like you,
love without counting the cost.
********************************
There were two old guys, Abe and Ken, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Ken and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Ken thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Ken is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Ken... Ken...."
Ken responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Ken," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Ken, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Ken.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Ken says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
********************************
A little something for the pet lovers!)
Dear Dog and/or Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our
front door..... Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like
to complain about our pets: 1. They live here; you don't. 2.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet better than I like most people. 4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have young, you can sell the results.
********************************
Computer Error
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bob the computer guy, to come over. Bob clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out.... I D 1 0 T
I used to like Bob!
********************************
CleanQuote.
"God answers all the prayers. Sometimes he answers 'yes,' sometimes he answers 'no,' and sometimes the answer is 'you gotta be kidding.'" - Jimmy Carter (on Larry King Live)
Monday, June 27, 2005
hUMOR For June 27th
********************************
First Apartment
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and I for
a visit.
As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink.
Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious
host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents,
and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water."
********************************
Cancelling Cards
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
********************************
Earthly Treasures
Showing his friend around his his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
********************************
Defense Contractor
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
********************************
Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell
sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone
Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what
you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's
evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe,
you really really dumb. Someone has stolen tent."
********************************
NOTE: Now, folks, let's get our senses of humor out
of storage and limber up our cheeks and prepare to put
our tongues in our own respective cheeks... Laugh
already... :) TS
Thanks to AB: "A Feminist Fairy Tale!"
Once upon a time,
In Ireland far away,
A beautiful independent
Self-assured princess
Saw a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap
And said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into a dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And setup housekeeping in your castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children
And forever feel grateful and happy
Doing so.
That night,
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't think so!
--Author unknown. Found circulating the Web.
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number
for Jack?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user
guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"??
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number
for Jack?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user
guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"??
********************************
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is
planning to do one entitled, "Survivor - Texas Style".
The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive
to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down
to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio,
El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From
there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and
finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink
Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
"I'm Gay"
"I Love the Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted for John Kerry"
"Hillary in 2008"
and
"I'm here to confiscate your gun."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
First Apartment
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and I for
a visit.
As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink.
Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious
host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents,
and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water."
********************************
Cancelling Cards
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
********************************
Earthly Treasures
Showing his friend around his his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
********************************
Defense Contractor
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
********************************
Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell
sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone
Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what
you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's
evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe,
you really really dumb. Someone has stolen tent."
********************************
NOTE: Now, folks, let's get our senses of humor out
of storage and limber up our cheeks and prepare to put
our tongues in our own respective cheeks... Laugh
already... :) TS
Thanks to AB: "A Feminist Fairy Tale!"
Once upon a time,
In Ireland far away,
A beautiful independent
Self-assured princess
Saw a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap
And said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into a dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And setup housekeeping in your castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children
And forever feel grateful and happy
Doing so.
That night,
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't think so!
--Author unknown. Found circulating the Web.
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number
for Jack?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user
guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"??
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number
for Jack?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user
guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"??
********************************
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is
planning to do one entitled, "Survivor - Texas Style".
The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive
to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down
to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio,
El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From
there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and
finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink
Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
"I'm Gay"
"I Love the Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted for John Kerry"
"Hillary in 2008"
and
"I'm here to confiscate your gun."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
hUMOR For June 25th
*******NOTICE******* I WILL BE UNABLE TO POST THE DAILY hUMOR SUNDAY. THE NEXT POST WILL BE ON MONDAY.
DAN
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
********************************
New Appointment
Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
Apparently, Wednesday's quote was an abbreviated version of a Benjamin Franklin quote. Thanks to list member Charlie for the correction. "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote!" - Benjamin Franklin
********************************
To Whom it May Concern:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities
of an 8 year old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to play dodgeball at recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all
you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest
and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. Somewhere in our youth, we matured and learned too much. There are nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, and abused children. Lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain, and death. A world where companies poison our water and our soil, and children kill. What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to return to the days when children played hide-n-seek outside instead of being glued to a television, when video games were as harmless as Pac-Man...instead of spine-ripping, blood-splattering mind numbers like Mortal Combat, and TV still had some shows on that weren't about sex, killing, and lies.
I remember being naive and thinking everyone was happy
because I was. Afternoons were spent climbing trees and
fences and riding my bike. I never worried about time,
bills, or where I was going to find the money to fix my car.
I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew
up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes,
mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So.... here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause, "Tag! You're it."
********************************
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
********************************
Sayings...
1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me.
3. Growing old is inevitable ... growing UP is
optional.
4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always
open.
5. Silence is often misinterpreted but never
misquoted.
6. Do the math . count your blessings.
7. Faith is the ability to not panic.
8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
9. If you worry, you didn't pray ... If you pray,
don't worry.
10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling
home everyday.
11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be
bent out of shape.
12. The most important things in your house are the
people.
13 When we get tangled up in our problems, be still.
God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
DAN
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
********************************
New Appointment
Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
Apparently, Wednesday's quote was an abbreviated version of a Benjamin Franklin quote. Thanks to list member Charlie for the correction. "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote!" - Benjamin Franklin
********************************
To Whom it May Concern:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities
of an 8 year old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to play dodgeball at recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all
you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest
and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. Somewhere in our youth, we matured and learned too much. There are nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, and abused children. Lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain, and death. A world where companies poison our water and our soil, and children kill. What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to return to the days when children played hide-n-seek outside instead of being glued to a television, when video games were as harmless as Pac-Man...instead of spine-ripping, blood-splattering mind numbers like Mortal Combat, and TV still had some shows on that weren't about sex, killing, and lies.
I remember being naive and thinking everyone was happy
because I was. Afternoons were spent climbing trees and
fences and riding my bike. I never worried about time,
bills, or where I was going to find the money to fix my car.
I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew
up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes,
mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So.... here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause, "Tag! You're it."
********************************
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
********************************
Sayings...
1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me.
3. Growing old is inevitable ... growing UP is
optional.
4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always
open.
5. Silence is often misinterpreted but never
misquoted.
6. Do the math . count your blessings.
7. Faith is the ability to not panic.
8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
9. If you worry, you didn't pray ... If you pray,
don't worry.
10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling
home everyday.
11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be
bent out of shape.
12. The most important things in your house are the
people.
13 When we get tangled up in our problems, be still.
God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
Friday, June 24, 2005
hUMOR For June 24th
********************************
The Late Preacher
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a
grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no
family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost,
making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe
and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid
already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his
tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the
deceased to the great beyond
in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen
anything like that."
********************************
Withheld Pay
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
********************************
Simple Obedience
This morning while she was getting dressed, she insisted on wearing a skirt under her dress. I tried in vain to talk her out of it. Since she's never worn the two together before, I asked her where she got the idea of wearing the skirt with the dress.
She said during graduation practice, one of the teachers said "Girls will wear dresses and skirts."
********************************
Dream
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
********************************
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our lives we
could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court, when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
********************************
Interview Question
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer.
"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant.
"It means I don't get the job."
The Late Preacher
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a
grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no
family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost,
making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe
and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid
already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his
tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the
deceased to the great beyond
in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen
anything like that."
********************************
Withheld Pay
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
********************************
Simple Obedience
This morning while she was getting dressed, she insisted on wearing a skirt under her dress. I tried in vain to talk her out of it. Since she's never worn the two together before, I asked her where she got the idea of wearing the skirt with the dress.
She said during graduation practice, one of the teachers said "Girls will wear dresses and skirts."
********************************
Dream
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
********************************
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our lives we
could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court, when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
********************************
Interview Question
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer.
"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant.
"It means I don't get the job."
Thursday, June 23, 2005
hUMOR For June 23rd
********************************
Career Change
When Ruthie's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner."
********************************
An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.
The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was rejected with the explanation, "We share everything."
Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the
same offer. Same rejection: "No thank you, we share everything."
After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while,
one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man, "Then why aren't you eating? What are you waiting for?"
The reply: "The teeth."
********************************
Myron recently had a full medical check up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were complete, his doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.
Myron was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be 80, doctor?"
He replied, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
"Oh no", Myron replied, "I've never done either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?
Myron replied, "No, I've heard that red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" asked the doctor.
"No I don't," Myron replied.
Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have dangerous hobbies?"
"No," said Myron, "I've done none of those things."
The doctor looked at Myron and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"
********************************
Exhortations & Stuff
A Preacher Resume
A church was in need of a preacher, and one of the
members was interested in finding out just what kind
of preacher the church wanted. In order to do this he
composed a letter as though it had been received from
a preacher and read it to the committee selecting a
new preacher.
"Gentlemen: Understanding that you need a preacher, I
would like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications that I think you would appreciate. I have been blessed to preach with power and have some success as a writer. Some say that I am a good organizer. I have been a leader in most places I have gone. Some folks, however, have some things against me. I am over fifty years of age. I have never preached in one place for more than three years at a time. In some places I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I have to admit that I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any wrongdoing. My health is not too good, though I still get a good deal done. I have had to work at my trade to help pay my way. The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities. I have not gotten along too well with the religious leaders in different towns where I have preached, and I am sure that they will not recommend me. In fact, some of them have threatened me, taken me to court, and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known even to forget whom I have baptized. However, if you can use me, I shall do my best for you, even if I have to work to help with my support."
After reading the letter to the committee, and asking
if they were interested in the applicant, they replied
that he would never do for their church. They were not interested in any unhealthy, trouble-making, contentious, ex-convict; and were insulted that his application had ever been presented! But one of them did ask the preacher's name, and the member replied, "The Apostle Paul."
(Author Unknown)
Career Change
When Ruthie's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner."
********************************
An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.
The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was rejected with the explanation, "We share everything."
Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the
same offer. Same rejection: "No thank you, we share everything."
After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while,
one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man, "Then why aren't you eating? What are you waiting for?"
The reply: "The teeth."
********************************
Myron recently had a full medical check up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were complete, his doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.
Myron was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be 80, doctor?"
He replied, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
"Oh no", Myron replied, "I've never done either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?
Myron replied, "No, I've heard that red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" asked the doctor.
"No I don't," Myron replied.
Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have dangerous hobbies?"
"No," said Myron, "I've done none of those things."
The doctor looked at Myron and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"
********************************
Exhortations & Stuff
A Preacher Resume
A church was in need of a preacher, and one of the
members was interested in finding out just what kind
of preacher the church wanted. In order to do this he
composed a letter as though it had been received from
a preacher and read it to the committee selecting a
new preacher.
"Gentlemen: Understanding that you need a preacher, I
would like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications that I think you would appreciate. I have been blessed to preach with power and have some success as a writer. Some say that I am a good organizer. I have been a leader in most places I have gone. Some folks, however, have some things against me. I am over fifty years of age. I have never preached in one place for more than three years at a time. In some places I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I have to admit that I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any wrongdoing. My health is not too good, though I still get a good deal done. I have had to work at my trade to help pay my way. The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities. I have not gotten along too well with the religious leaders in different towns where I have preached, and I am sure that they will not recommend me. In fact, some of them have threatened me, taken me to court, and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known even to forget whom I have baptized. However, if you can use me, I shall do my best for you, even if I have to work to help with my support."
After reading the letter to the committee, and asking
if they were interested in the applicant, they replied
that he would never do for their church. They were not interested in any unhealthy, trouble-making, contentious, ex-convict; and were insulted that his application had ever been presented! But one of them did ask the preacher's name, and the member replied, "The Apostle Paul."
(Author Unknown)
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
hUMOR For June 22nd
********************************
Words Per Day
Abraham was reading an article out loud to his wife. "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?"
Sadie replies, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice."
Abraham turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"
********************************
Communications Skills
A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, He said...no.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever.... and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die
********************************
Wedding
Selma and Irving receive an invitation in the mail. Since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that they were asked to attend a wedding.
All was fine until they reached the last line. Confused, Irving asks Selma, "Selma, vat does this "RSVP" mean?"
Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn't remember.
Finally, she cries out: "Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"
********************************
GCFL Note: It's highly likely that the numbers below are
off. Please don't let that kill the humor of this classic!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood,
but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of the USA is about 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do all the work.
You and me, and you're sitting on your rear, at your
computer, reading jokes!
********************************
Exhortations & Stuff
THE FAITHFUL FEW
In every church, in every clime,
When there's some work to do,
It's very likely to be done
By just the "Faithful Few."
Many folks will help to sing,
And some are glad to talk;
But when it comes to doing things;
A lot of them will balk.
"I can't do this, I can't do that;
Excuse me, please, this time
I'd be so glad to help you out,
But it's just not in my line."
So when the brethren look about
For some who'll help to "do,"
They nearly always have to go
And ask the "Faithful Few."
They know full well they're busy, too,
And always hard at work.
Yet they are sure they'll not refuse
Not any duty shirk.
They never stop to make excuses
But always try to do
The very, very best they can
To smooth the way for you.
God bless, I pray, the "Faithful Few,"
And may their tribe increase.
They must be very precious to
The blessed Prince of Peace.
by Chester Shuler
********************************
Searching for Witnesses
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had
struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale,
nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Sir," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole."
Words Per Day
Abraham was reading an article out loud to his wife. "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?"
Sadie replies, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice."
Abraham turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"
********************************
Communications Skills
A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, He said...no.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever.... and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die
********************************
Wedding
Selma and Irving receive an invitation in the mail. Since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that they were asked to attend a wedding.
All was fine until they reached the last line. Confused, Irving asks Selma, "Selma, vat does this "RSVP" mean?"
Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn't remember.
Finally, she cries out: "Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"
********************************
GCFL Note: It's highly likely that the numbers below are
off. Please don't let that kill the humor of this classic!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood,
but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of the USA is about 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do all the work.
You and me, and you're sitting on your rear, at your
computer, reading jokes!
********************************
Exhortations & Stuff
THE FAITHFUL FEW
In every church, in every clime,
When there's some work to do,
It's very likely to be done
By just the "Faithful Few."
Many folks will help to sing,
And some are glad to talk;
But when it comes to doing things;
A lot of them will balk.
"I can't do this, I can't do that;
Excuse me, please, this time
I'd be so glad to help you out,
But it's just not in my line."
So when the brethren look about
For some who'll help to "do,"
They nearly always have to go
And ask the "Faithful Few."
They know full well they're busy, too,
And always hard at work.
Yet they are sure they'll not refuse
Not any duty shirk.
They never stop to make excuses
But always try to do
The very, very best they can
To smooth the way for you.
God bless, I pray, the "Faithful Few,"
And may their tribe increase.
They must be very precious to
The blessed Prince of Peace.
by Chester Shuler
********************************
Searching for Witnesses
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had
struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale,
nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Sir," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole."
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
hUMOR For June 21st
********************************
Dog Driver
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."
********************************
It won't be long before John (the guy that keeps GCFL
running) will be an official Father. Estimated time of
arrival is now August 25th! More updates later. */
Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.
Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately, a policeman arrived and approached Jack, who was standing next to the crashed car, eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.
Jack looked up and said, "Well, the first thing I'm going to
do is change my grip."
********************************
Why you shouldn't respond to chain messages.
If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days...
In 40 days, approximately 10 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet.
From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.
From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.
Of course, the Internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the Internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.
The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.
I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful. Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.
********************************
Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear
I swallowed a goldfish.
Your lipstick works better than crayons.
Does grape juice leave a stain?
The principal called...
But DAD says that word all the time.
What's it cost to fix a window?
Has anyone seen my earthworms?
I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
********************************
BOUDREAUX IN COURT
Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a
truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer
was questioning Boudreaux. "Didn't you say, at the
scene of the accident, "I'm fine," the lawyer asked?
Boudreaux responded, "Mais, Let me told you what
happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule,
Bessie, into da . . . . "
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer
interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not
say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer
and I was driving down da road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of
the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on
the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in
Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like
to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie".
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, " I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer
and was driving her down da highway when dis huge
semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my
truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder. I was
hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall.
But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me,
I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by
her groans."
"Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he
came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin'
so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a
look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between
da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in
hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you
feeling?'"
"Now what would you say?"
********************************
Power Outage
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was betteron his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God Said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test which willtake two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sentfaxes.
They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. Theydownloaded.
They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did everyknown job.
Suddenly, 10 minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenlyflashed across sky, thunder and the rain poured down and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restartedtheir computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's allgone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from thepast two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He must havecheated! How did he do it????!"
(You'll love the punch line...)
God shrugged and said,"JESUS SAVES"...
Dog Driver
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."
********************************
It won't be long before John (the guy that keeps GCFL
running) will be an official Father. Estimated time of
arrival is now August 25th! More updates later. */
Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.
Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately, a policeman arrived and approached Jack, who was standing next to the crashed car, eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.
Jack looked up and said, "Well, the first thing I'm going to
do is change my grip."
********************************
Why you shouldn't respond to chain messages.
If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days...
In 40 days, approximately 10 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet.
From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.
From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.
Of course, the Internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the Internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.
The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.
I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful. Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.
********************************
Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear
I swallowed a goldfish.
Your lipstick works better than crayons.
Does grape juice leave a stain?
The principal called...
But DAD says that word all the time.
What's it cost to fix a window?
Has anyone seen my earthworms?
I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
********************************
BOUDREAUX IN COURT
Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a
truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer
was questioning Boudreaux. "Didn't you say, at the
scene of the accident, "I'm fine," the lawyer asked?
Boudreaux responded, "Mais, Let me told you what
happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule,
Bessie, into da . . . . "
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer
interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not
say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer
and I was driving down da road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of
the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on
the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in
Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like
to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie".
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, " I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer
and was driving her down da highway when dis huge
semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my
truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder. I was
hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall.
But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me,
I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by
her groans."
"Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he
came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin'
so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a
look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between
da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in
hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you
feeling?'"
"Now what would you say?"
********************************
Power Outage
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was betteron his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God Said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test which willtake two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sentfaxes.
They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. Theydownloaded.
They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did everyknown job.
Suddenly, 10 minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenlyflashed across sky, thunder and the rain poured down and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restartedtheir computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's allgone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from thepast two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He must havecheated! How did he do it????!"
(You'll love the punch line...)
God shrugged and said,"JESUS SAVES"...
Monday, June 20, 2005
hUMOR For June 20th
********************************
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the
toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer,
then you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes We Just Need to Remember What The Rules of
Life Really Are...
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have
another chance!
And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and
Friends. You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan!
********************************
Do Not:
Do not ride in automobiles: they are responsible for
20 % of all fatal accidents.
Do not stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the
home.
Do not walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all
accidents occur to pedestrians.
Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all
accidents happen on these.
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders.
Hence the safest place for you to be at any time is at
church! See you Sunday!
~ Author Unknown
********************************
Heartfelt
Jimmy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
When the teacher's eyes fell on Jimmy, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his behind.
"James, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."
Jimmy replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Jimmy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the
toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer,
then you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes We Just Need to Remember What The Rules of
Life Really Are...
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have
another chance!
And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and
Friends. You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan!
********************************
Do Not:
Do not ride in automobiles: they are responsible for
20 % of all fatal accidents.
Do not stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the
home.
Do not walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all
accidents occur to pedestrians.
Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all
accidents happen on these.
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders.
Hence the safest place for you to be at any time is at
church! See you Sunday!
~ Author Unknown
********************************
Heartfelt
Jimmy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
When the teacher's eyes fell on Jimmy, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his behind.
"James, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."
Jimmy replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Jimmy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
Sunday, June 19, 2005
hUMOR For June 19th
********************************
Old world charm (Room and a bath)
Tropical (Rainy)
Majestic setting (A long way from town, at end of dirt road)
Options galore (Nothing is included in the itinerary)
Secluded hideaway (Directions to the location are unclear)
Some budget rooms (Sorry, already occupied)
Explore on your own (At your own expense)
Knowledgeable trip hosts (They've flown in an airplane
before)
No extra fees (No extras)
Nominal fee (Outrageous charge)
Standard (Sub-standard)
Deluxe (Barely Standard)
Superior accommodations (One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap)
All the amenities (Two chocolates, two shower caps)
Plush (Both top and bottom sheets)
Gentle breezes (In hurricane alley)
Light and airy (No air conditioning)
Picturesque (Theme park nearby)
24-hour bar (Ice cubes at additional cost - when available)
********************************
A Good Question...
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the
knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a
woman wears leather clothing?
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK
******************************************************
Thanks to M/M J & G B:
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because
he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun
at the deputies expense...
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at
the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete
stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a
complete stop, that's the law. License and
registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license
and registration and you give me the ticket, if not
you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and
starts beating the ever-loving daylights out of the
lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow
down?"
********************************
Great Cheese
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"
********************************
Fatherly Approval
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out. When the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.
Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.
"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
********************************
Diet
There's a new pasta diet -
Just walk pasta bakery without stopping, walk pasta candy store without stopping, walk pasta ice cream store without stopping.
Old world charm (Room and a bath)
Tropical (Rainy)
Majestic setting (A long way from town, at end of dirt road)
Options galore (Nothing is included in the itinerary)
Secluded hideaway (Directions to the location are unclear)
Some budget rooms (Sorry, already occupied)
Explore on your own (At your own expense)
Knowledgeable trip hosts (They've flown in an airplane
before)
No extra fees (No extras)
Nominal fee (Outrageous charge)
Standard (Sub-standard)
Deluxe (Barely Standard)
Superior accommodations (One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap)
All the amenities (Two chocolates, two shower caps)
Plush (Both top and bottom sheets)
Gentle breezes (In hurricane alley)
Light and airy (No air conditioning)
Picturesque (Theme park nearby)
24-hour bar (Ice cubes at additional cost - when available)
********************************
A Good Question...
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the
knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a
woman wears leather clothing?
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK
******************************************************
Thanks to M/M J & G B:
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because
he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun
at the deputies expense...
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at
the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete
stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a
complete stop, that's the law. License and
registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license
and registration and you give me the ticket, if not
you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and
starts beating the ever-loving daylights out of the
lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow
down?"
********************************
Great Cheese
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"
********************************
Fatherly Approval
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out. When the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.
Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.
"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
********************************
Diet
There's a new pasta diet -
Just walk pasta bakery without stopping, walk pasta candy store without stopping, walk pasta ice cream store without stopping.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
hUMOR For June 18th
********************************
Reasons You Should Buy a New Car
Reasons You Should Buy a New Car:
- Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
- Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
- You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
- 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
- When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
- Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".
- While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense." - Helen Rowland
********************************
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
********************************
From the Classroom 2
Students who were at least one-quarter part of any of our nation¹s Native
American tribes could participate in Native American Culture classes. The
program was for elementary to high school students.
One of my third grade students took home the paper work for his parents to
fill out. The parents were to list the name of their family's tribe. The
next morning Joe came running excitedly into the classroom shouting and
waving his application, "Mrs. Abbott, Mrs. Abbott I found out what I am! I
am part parakeet!"
********************************
How Fathers Were Created
When the good Lord was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. A
female angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If you're going to
make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high?
He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed
without bending or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping. And God
smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him childsize, who would children have
to look up to?"
And when God made a father's hands, they were large and sinewy. The angel
shook her head sadly and said, "Large hands are clumsy. They can't manage
diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on ponytails or even remove
splinters caused by baseball bats." And God smiled and said, "I know, but
they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his
pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child's face."
And then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders. The angel nearly
had a heart attack. "Boy, this is the end of the week, all right," she
clucked. "Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he
going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his
legs?" And God smiled and said, "A mother needs a lap. A father needs
strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a
sleepy head on the way home from the circus."
God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever
seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. "That's not fair. Do
you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in
the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party
without crushing at least three of the guests?" And God smiled and said,
"They'll work. You'll see. They'll support a small child who wants to ride
a horse to Banbury Cross or scare off mice at the summer cabin or display
shoes that will be a challenge to fill."
God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words but a firm,
authoritive voice and eyes that saw everything but remained calm and
tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears. Then He
turned to the angel and said, "Now, are you satisfied that he can love as
much as a mother?"
The angel shutteth up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A few personal thoughts to close this special GCF.
Father's Day in the United States is the third Sunday in June. This year it
is June 19. In a nutshell, Father's Day was first observed in Spokane,
Washington in 1910. Over the next decade, cities across America began
celebrating a day for fathers and in 1924 President Calvin Coolidge
supported the idea of a national Father's Day. It wasn't until 1966 that
President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the
3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day. In 1972, President Richard Nixon
established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on
the third Sunday of June. This came almost sixty years after Mother's Day
had been proclaimed a National day of observance.
My father passed away nearly 5 years ago, but his memory lives on in my
heart each and every day. He lived 250 miles away and on the drive back
home from visiting family, I realized that I had not gotten to shake his
hand in several months. He always believed in a firm handshake and even
after his body became frail, the firmness of his handshake remained. I also
miss his always cheery greeting of "Hi there, number one son."
GCF was suspended for a week back in August of 2000 and during that time I
received hundreds of emails from GCF subscribers. These emails contained
many kind words and thoughts conveyed to me and my family, but the words of
one person said it all in one concise sentence. I apologize to the person
who sent it because I cannot remember your name, but your words said it best:
"You are blessed to have a father who let you know, just by how he
addressed you, how much you are loved."
If your father is no longer here, remember his memory with joy. If you are
lucky enough to have your father still around, be happy with him and enjoy
the day.
********************************
Dishwasher...
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a
very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night
away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon,
eggs and toast.
However, as he was eating, John noticed a film like
substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather
asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold
water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your
meal sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you
before sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water
can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear
another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby
town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. John
yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
get to my car!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ..... "COLD
WATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
********************************
Bits and Pieces
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
take her out to some place expensive... So I took her
to a gas station!!!!!!!
*****
After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto
accident it makes you wonder about history. Unknown
*****
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2004 tax return & payment.Please take
note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is
paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00
for a toilet seat.Please find enclosed four toilet
seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00.Please note
the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the
"Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund
a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid
$22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)It has been
a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
*****
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up
to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light
on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window. George opened the back
door to go turn off the light but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
house?" and he said no. Then they said that all
patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his
door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to
worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police car , an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the
burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you
said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
*****
A Kleptomaniac
A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support. The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. Let us suppose
that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you
agree?"
The woman agreed. "Then I sentence you to six nights
in jail."
The husband jumped to his feet , addressing the judge,
"Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
"Well," said his honor, this is somewhat unusual but I
will make an exception in this case. You may approach
the bench."
The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning
forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can
of peas, your honor."
Reasons You Should Buy a New Car
Reasons You Should Buy a New Car:
- Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
- Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
- You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
- 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
- When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
- Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".
- While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense." - Helen Rowland
********************************
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
********************************
From the Classroom 2
Students who were at least one-quarter part of any of our nation¹s Native
American tribes could participate in Native American Culture classes. The
program was for elementary to high school students.
One of my third grade students took home the paper work for his parents to
fill out. The parents were to list the name of their family's tribe. The
next morning Joe came running excitedly into the classroom shouting and
waving his application, "Mrs. Abbott, Mrs. Abbott I found out what I am! I
am part parakeet!"
********************************
How Fathers Were Created
When the good Lord was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. A
female angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If you're going to
make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high?
He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed
without bending or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping. And God
smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him childsize, who would children have
to look up to?"
And when God made a father's hands, they were large and sinewy. The angel
shook her head sadly and said, "Large hands are clumsy. They can't manage
diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on ponytails or even remove
splinters caused by baseball bats." And God smiled and said, "I know, but
they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his
pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child's face."
And then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders. The angel nearly
had a heart attack. "Boy, this is the end of the week, all right," she
clucked. "Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he
going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his
legs?" And God smiled and said, "A mother needs a lap. A father needs
strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a
sleepy head on the way home from the circus."
God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever
seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. "That's not fair. Do
you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in
the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party
without crushing at least three of the guests?" And God smiled and said,
"They'll work. You'll see. They'll support a small child who wants to ride
a horse to Banbury Cross or scare off mice at the summer cabin or display
shoes that will be a challenge to fill."
God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words but a firm,
authoritive voice and eyes that saw everything but remained calm and
tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears. Then He
turned to the angel and said, "Now, are you satisfied that he can love as
much as a mother?"
The angel shutteth up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A few personal thoughts to close this special GCF.
Father's Day in the United States is the third Sunday in June. This year it
is June 19. In a nutshell, Father's Day was first observed in Spokane,
Washington in 1910. Over the next decade, cities across America began
celebrating a day for fathers and in 1924 President Calvin Coolidge
supported the idea of a national Father's Day. It wasn't until 1966 that
President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the
3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day. In 1972, President Richard Nixon
established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on
the third Sunday of June. This came almost sixty years after Mother's Day
had been proclaimed a National day of observance.
My father passed away nearly 5 years ago, but his memory lives on in my
heart each and every day. He lived 250 miles away and on the drive back
home from visiting family, I realized that I had not gotten to shake his
hand in several months. He always believed in a firm handshake and even
after his body became frail, the firmness of his handshake remained. I also
miss his always cheery greeting of "Hi there, number one son."
GCF was suspended for a week back in August of 2000 and during that time I
received hundreds of emails from GCF subscribers. These emails contained
many kind words and thoughts conveyed to me and my family, but the words of
one person said it all in one concise sentence. I apologize to the person
who sent it because I cannot remember your name, but your words said it best:
"You are blessed to have a father who let you know, just by how he
addressed you, how much you are loved."
If your father is no longer here, remember his memory with joy. If you are
lucky enough to have your father still around, be happy with him and enjoy
the day.
********************************
Dishwasher...
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a
very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night
away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon,
eggs and toast.
However, as he was eating, John noticed a film like
substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather
asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold
water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your
meal sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you
before sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water
can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear
another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby
town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. John
yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
get to my car!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ..... "COLD
WATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
********************************
Bits and Pieces
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
take her out to some place expensive... So I took her
to a gas station!!!!!!!
*****
After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto
accident it makes you wonder about history. Unknown
*****
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2004 tax return & payment.Please take
note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is
paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00
for a toilet seat.Please find enclosed four toilet
seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00.Please note
the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the
"Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund
a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid
$22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)It has been
a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
*****
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up
to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light
on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window. George opened the back
door to go turn off the light but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
house?" and he said no. Then they said that all
patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his
door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to
worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police car , an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the
burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you
said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
*****
A Kleptomaniac
A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support. The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. Let us suppose
that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you
agree?"
The woman agreed. "Then I sentence you to six nights
in jail."
The husband jumped to his feet , addressing the judge,
"Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
"Well," said his honor, this is somewhat unusual but I
will make an exception in this case. You may approach
the bench."
The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning
forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can
of peas, your honor."
Friday, June 17, 2005
hUMOR For June 17th
********************************
Movie Night
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her.
We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You've Got Mail and The Matrix.
She's still mad at me. What did I do?
********************************
Men and Women
Woman 1: Did you get a new haircut?
Woman 2: Yes, I did. Thanks for noticing.
W1: Oh! That's so cute!
W2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure after my hairdresser gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
W1: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
W2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
W1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck!
W2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
MEANWHILE....
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
********************************
Shipwrecked
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red.
He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!!" he says.
"I think I've been marooned!!"
********************************
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
********************************
OOPs! Church Notices
1) The young children are saving aluminum cans,
bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will
be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to
make calls on people who are not afflicted with
anyone.
3) The minister would appreciate it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4) The audience is asked to remain seated until the
end of the recession.
5) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at
7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
6) Ushers will eat latecomers.
7) For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8) Bro. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight
of the audience.
9) The minister will preach his farewell message,
after which the congregation will sing, "Break Forth
Into Joy."
10) During the absence of our minister, we enjoyed the
rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F.
Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
11) Next Sunday Bro. Jackson will lead the
congregational singing for the morning service. The
preacher will then speak on "It's a Terrible
Experience."
*****
The Poor Preacher
After worship service one Sunday, a little boy walked
up to the minister and handed him a quarter. The
minister asked why did he give him the money. The
little boy said, "Because my dad said you needed it
and I want to help you out."
The minister asked why he thought that way and the
little boy responded, "Because my dad said you were
the poorest preacher he had met."
WHO WILL PAY THE BILL?
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital for coronary
surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy
man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a
Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun
said while patting his hand. "We do have to know,
however, how you intend to pay for your stay here.
Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you
pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my
sister in New Mexico, but she's a spinster nun." said
the man. "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the
nun replied. "They are married to God." The man
said with a smile, "Okay, then bill my
brother-in-law."
********************************
The Preacher's Mother and the
Usher
A friendly usher greeted an elderly woman at the door
of the church building. "Where would you like to sit?"
he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said.
"The preacher is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the preacher's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Movie Night
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her.
We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You've Got Mail and The Matrix.
She's still mad at me. What did I do?
********************************
Men and Women
Woman 1: Did you get a new haircut?
Woman 2: Yes, I did. Thanks for noticing.
W1: Oh! That's so cute!
W2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure after my hairdresser gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
W1: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
W2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
W1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck!
W2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
MEANWHILE....
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
********************************
Shipwrecked
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red.
He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!!" he says.
"I think I've been marooned!!"
********************************
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
********************************
OOPs! Church Notices
1) The young children are saving aluminum cans,
bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will
be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to
make calls on people who are not afflicted with
anyone.
3) The minister would appreciate it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4) The audience is asked to remain seated until the
end of the recession.
5) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at
7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
6) Ushers will eat latecomers.
7) For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8) Bro. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight
of the audience.
9) The minister will preach his farewell message,
after which the congregation will sing, "Break Forth
Into Joy."
10) During the absence of our minister, we enjoyed the
rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F.
Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
11) Next Sunday Bro. Jackson will lead the
congregational singing for the morning service. The
preacher will then speak on "It's a Terrible
Experience."
*****
The Poor Preacher
After worship service one Sunday, a little boy walked
up to the minister and handed him a quarter. The
minister asked why did he give him the money. The
little boy said, "Because my dad said you needed it
and I want to help you out."
The minister asked why he thought that way and the
little boy responded, "Because my dad said you were
the poorest preacher he had met."
WHO WILL PAY THE BILL?
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital for coronary
surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy
man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a
Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun
said while patting his hand. "We do have to know,
however, how you intend to pay for your stay here.
Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you
pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my
sister in New Mexico, but she's a spinster nun." said
the man. "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the
nun replied. "They are married to God." The man
said with a smile, "Okay, then bill my
brother-in-law."
********************************
The Preacher's Mother and the
Usher
A friendly usher greeted an elderly woman at the door
of the church building. "Where would you like to sit?"
he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said.
"The preacher is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the preacher's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
hUMOR For June 16th
********************************
Library Lost and Found
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She had used an emergency phone to call for help. Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Always remember the first rule of public speaking: Be brief, no matter how long it takes."
********************************
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the
altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs at his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going
to take all day, is it?"
********************************
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two goobers show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the goobers, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.She happens to look out the window and sees one of the goobers doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other goober and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The goober replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him."
"HEY NEIL! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
********************************
Why ARE Men Happier ?
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from
such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn
a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking
to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all
seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.
Of course, men are happier...
********************************
Defence Contractor
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to
explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations
before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up
while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense
Contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared
victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do
you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
Library Lost and Found
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She had used an emergency phone to call for help. Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Always remember the first rule of public speaking: Be brief, no matter how long it takes."
********************************
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the
altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs at his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going
to take all day, is it?"
********************************
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two goobers show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the goobers, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.She happens to look out the window and sees one of the goobers doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other goober and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The goober replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him."
"HEY NEIL! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
********************************
Why ARE Men Happier ?
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from
such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn
a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking
to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all
seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.
Of course, men are happier...
********************************
Defence Contractor
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to
explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations
before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up
while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense
Contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared
victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do
you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
hUMOR For June 15th
********************************
Time Management
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.
Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.
"What time does the course start, Pastor?"
The Pastor replied, "Oh... sixish, sevenish...."
********************************
Behavior Modification
An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."
The principal saw the item and asked, "What on earth are those?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.
********************************
Budget
I've been working on my budget.
Line one is my fixed expenses, line two is my fixed income and the difference is the fix I'm in.
********************************
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage
girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are
two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the
front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
********************************
I Don't Get It.....
I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the
house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager.
I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and
one weekly one. I watch both the local and network news every evening.
And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
********************************
Quotes
A Champion bull starts from birth.
- Luyia.Western Kenya
A hyena cannot smell its own stench.
- Kalenjin (Kenya)
He who marries a real beauty is seeking trouble.
- Accra proverb, Ghana
However long the night, the dawn will break.
People know each other better on a journey.
Plaatje
IRISH
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
A silent mouth is sweet to hear.
What butter and whiskey will not cure there's no cure
for.
Its no use boiling your cabbage twice.
Keep your tongue in your jaw and your tow in your
pump.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
ENGLISH
A bad penny always turns up.
It never rains, but it pours.
A fool and his money are soon parted.
Justice delayed is justice denied.
Lightning never strikes twice in the same place.
Love is blind.
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
One good turn deserves another.
********************************
It's about that time folks - so
thought I'd send out this reminder!!!!
OK, mosquitos... prepare to be repelled!!!!!
Use Bounce Fabric Softener Sheets...Best thing ever
used in Louisiana..just wipe on & go... Great for
Babies...
Bob, a fisherman, takes one vitamin B-1 tablet a day
April through October . He said it works. He was
right. Hasn't had a mosquito bite in 33 years. Try it.
Every one he has talked into trying it works on them.
Vitamin B-1( Thiamine Hydrochloride 100 mg.)
If you eat bananas, the mosquitos like you, -
something about the banana oil as your body processes
it. Stop eating bananas for the summer and the
mosquitos will be much less interested.
This is going to floor you, but one of the best insect repellents someone found (who is in the woods every day), is Vick's Vaporub.
Plant marigolds around the yard, the flowers give off
a smell that bugs do not like, so plant some in that
garden also to help ward off bugs without using
insecticides.
"Tough guy" Marines who spend a great deal of time
"camping out" say that the very best mosquito
repellant you can use is Avon Skin-So-Soft bath oil
mixed about half and half with alcohol.
One of the best natural insect repellants that I've
discovered is made from the clear real vanilla. This
is the pure Vanilla that is sold in Mexico. It works
great for mosquitoes and ticks, don't know about other
insects.
When all else fails--get a frog...
Fight West Nile.....pass this along to all your
friends in skeeter land!!!
********************************
Obey.....
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage
ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the
occasion."
Time Management
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.
Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.
"What time does the course start, Pastor?"
The Pastor replied, "Oh... sixish, sevenish...."
********************************
Behavior Modification
An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."
The principal saw the item and asked, "What on earth are those?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.
********************************
Budget
I've been working on my budget.
Line one is my fixed expenses, line two is my fixed income and the difference is the fix I'm in.
********************************
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage
girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are
two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the
front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
********************************
I Don't Get It.....
I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the
house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager.
I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and
one weekly one. I watch both the local and network news every evening.
And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
********************************
Quotes
A Champion bull starts from birth.
- Luyia.Western Kenya
A hyena cannot smell its own stench.
- Kalenjin (Kenya)
He who marries a real beauty is seeking trouble.
- Accra proverb, Ghana
However long the night, the dawn will break.
People know each other better on a journey.
Plaatje
IRISH
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
A silent mouth is sweet to hear.
What butter and whiskey will not cure there's no cure
for.
Its no use boiling your cabbage twice.
Keep your tongue in your jaw and your tow in your
pump.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
ENGLISH
A bad penny always turns up.
It never rains, but it pours.
A fool and his money are soon parted.
Justice delayed is justice denied.
Lightning never strikes twice in the same place.
Love is blind.
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
One good turn deserves another.
********************************
It's about that time folks - so
thought I'd send out this reminder!!!!
OK, mosquitos... prepare to be repelled!!!!!
Use Bounce Fabric Softener Sheets...Best thing ever
used in Louisiana..just wipe on & go... Great for
Babies...
Bob, a fisherman, takes one vitamin B-1 tablet a day
April through October . He said it works. He was
right. Hasn't had a mosquito bite in 33 years. Try it.
Every one he has talked into trying it works on them.
Vitamin B-1( Thiamine Hydrochloride 100 mg.)
If you eat bananas, the mosquitos like you, -
something about the banana oil as your body processes
it. Stop eating bananas for the summer and the
mosquitos will be much less interested.
This is going to floor you, but one of the best insect repellents someone found (who is in the woods every day), is Vick's Vaporub.
Plant marigolds around the yard, the flowers give off
a smell that bugs do not like, so plant some in that
garden also to help ward off bugs without using
insecticides.
"Tough guy" Marines who spend a great deal of time
"camping out" say that the very best mosquito
repellant you can use is Avon Skin-So-Soft bath oil
mixed about half and half with alcohol.
One of the best natural insect repellants that I've
discovered is made from the clear real vanilla. This
is the pure Vanilla that is sold in Mexico. It works
great for mosquitoes and ticks, don't know about other
insects.
When all else fails--get a frog...
Fight West Nile.....pass this along to all your
friends in skeeter land!!!
********************************
Obey.....
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage
ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the
occasion."
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
hUMOR For June 14th
********************************
One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour behind schedule."
Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside
the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will arrive at our destination about three hours late."
After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines go out, we'll be up here forever."
********************************
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk.
He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"
"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."
********************************
Quotes
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
English Proverb (17th century)
One good turn deserves another.
One of these day is none of these days.
Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches
Opportunity seldom knocks twice.
Poor men seek meat for their stomach, rich men stomach
for their meat.
Practice makes perfect.
Prevention is better than cure.
Rats desert a sinking ship.
The early bird catches the worm.
The first step is the hardest.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the
fence.
The last straw breaks the camel's back.
The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.
The pot calls the kettle black.
There's a black sheep in every flock.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no place like home.
Things are not always what they seem.
********************************
The Wedding Plans
George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing
each other for 2 years when they decided that life
was too short and they might as well be together for
the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision
to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss
the wedding and what plans need to be made.
Along their way, they found themselves in front of a
drugstore. George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go
in. I have idea." They walked to the rear of the
store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.
The pharmacist answered, "Yes sir, I am. How can I
help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
George: "How about support hose for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
George: "What about medications for rheumatism,
osteoporosis & arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof furniture pads &
Depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies & reading
glasses?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
George: "What about eye drops,sleeping
pills,Geritol,Preparation - H and ExLax?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers & canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these
questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied
to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and
we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry"
One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour behind schedule."
Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside
the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will arrive at our destination about three hours late."
After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines go out, we'll be up here forever."
********************************
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk.
He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"
"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."
********************************
Quotes
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
English Proverb (17th century)
One good turn deserves another.
One of these day is none of these days.
Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches
Opportunity seldom knocks twice.
Poor men seek meat for their stomach, rich men stomach
for their meat.
Practice makes perfect.
Prevention is better than cure.
Rats desert a sinking ship.
The early bird catches the worm.
The first step is the hardest.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the
fence.
The last straw breaks the camel's back.
The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.
The pot calls the kettle black.
There's a black sheep in every flock.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no place like home.
Things are not always what they seem.
********************************
The Wedding Plans
George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing
each other for 2 years when they decided that life
was too short and they might as well be together for
the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision
to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss
the wedding and what plans need to be made.
Along their way, they found themselves in front of a
drugstore. George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go
in. I have idea." They walked to the rear of the
store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.
The pharmacist answered, "Yes sir, I am. How can I
help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
George: "How about support hose for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
George: "What about medications for rheumatism,
osteoporosis & arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof furniture pads &
Depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies & reading
glasses?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
George: "What about eye drops,sleeping
pills,Geritol,Preparation - H and ExLax?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers & canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these
questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied
to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and
we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry"
Monday, June 13, 2005
hUMOR For June 13th
********************************
You're No Longer A Kid When
You're No Longer A Kid When...
- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
- You have friends who have kids.
- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
- Your parents' jokes are now funny.
- Naps are good.
- When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
- You WANT clothes for Christmas.
- You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
********************************
IRISH PROVERBS
A boys best friend is his mother and there's no
spancel stronger than her apron string.
A buckle is a great addition to an old shoe.
A handstaff of holly, a buailtin of hazel,a single
sheaf and a clean floor.
A king;s son is not nobler than his food.
A live dog is better than a dead lion.
A narrow neck keeps the bottle from being emptied in
one swig.
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.
A poem ought to be well made at first, for there is
many a one to spoil it afterwards.
A scholars ink lasts longer than a martyrs blood.
If the knitter is weary the baby will have no new
bonnet.
If you have one pair of good soles its better than two
pairs of good uppers.
If you lie down with dogs you'll rise with fleas.
If you put a silk dress on a goat he is a goat still.
In winter the milk goes to the cow's horns.
It s no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are
leaking.
It's as hard to see a woman crying as it is to see a
barefooted duck.
It's beter than the loan you couldn't get.
It's better than it's want.
It's difficult to choose between two blind goats.
Take gifts with a sigh most men give to be paid.
The best way to keep loyalty in a man's heart is to
keep money in his purse.
The end of a feast is better than the beginning of a
fight.
The fox never found a better messenger than himself.
The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely
buried.
The longest road out is the shortest road home.
The old pipe gives the sweetest smoke.
The older the fiddle the sweeter the tune.
The one who waits the fine day, will get the fine day.
The one who waits the fine day, will get the fine day.
********************************
Better Trainer
A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."
You're No Longer A Kid When
You're No Longer A Kid When...
- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
- You have friends who have kids.
- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
- Your parents' jokes are now funny.
- Naps are good.
- When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
- You WANT clothes for Christmas.
- You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
********************************
IRISH PROVERBS
A boys best friend is his mother and there's no
spancel stronger than her apron string.
A buckle is a great addition to an old shoe.
A handstaff of holly, a buailtin of hazel,a single
sheaf and a clean floor.
A king;s son is not nobler than his food.
A live dog is better than a dead lion.
A narrow neck keeps the bottle from being emptied in
one swig.
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.
A poem ought to be well made at first, for there is
many a one to spoil it afterwards.
A scholars ink lasts longer than a martyrs blood.
If the knitter is weary the baby will have no new
bonnet.
If you have one pair of good soles its better than two
pairs of good uppers.
If you lie down with dogs you'll rise with fleas.
If you put a silk dress on a goat he is a goat still.
In winter the milk goes to the cow's horns.
It s no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are
leaking.
It's as hard to see a woman crying as it is to see a
barefooted duck.
It's beter than the loan you couldn't get.
It's better than it's want.
It's difficult to choose between two blind goats.
Take gifts with a sigh most men give to be paid.
The best way to keep loyalty in a man's heart is to
keep money in his purse.
The end of a feast is better than the beginning of a
fight.
The fox never found a better messenger than himself.
The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely
buried.
The longest road out is the shortest road home.
The old pipe gives the sweetest smoke.
The older the fiddle the sweeter the tune.
The one who waits the fine day, will get the fine day.
The one who waits the fine day, will get the fine day.
********************************
Better Trainer
A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."
Sunday, June 12, 2005
hUMOR For June 12th
********************************
Stress Relief
As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at
night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the
strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate. (Because the game is online,
the team players do not see each other since they are playing from
different locations, sometimes in different cities or countries).
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master
strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after
another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless
leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I typed back, "Ten."
********************************
Most Famous Man
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
********************************
Errors and Mistakes
To err is human; to forgive devine.
To err is human; to purr, feline.
To err is human; two curs, canine.
To err is human; to do nothing, benign.
To err is human; to quit, resign.
To err is human; to howl, lupine.
To err is human; to solve, design.
To err is human; to moo, bovine.
To err is human; to soothe, calomine.
To err is human; to pretend, pantomime.
To err is human; to bloom, columbine.
To err is human; to prance, equine.
To err is human; to add, combine.
To err is human; to befriend, pal o' mine.
To err is human; to woo, Valentine.
To err is human; to horrify, Frankenstein.
To err is human; to straighten, align.
To err is human; to drown, Clementine.
To err is human; to twist, serpentine.
To err is human; to love, sublime.
To err is human; to cut in, go back in line!
********************************
23rd Psalm
The Lord is my Shepherd
THAT'S RELATIONSHIP!
I shall not want
THAT'S SUPPLY!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
THAT'S REST!
He leadeth me beside still waters
THAT'S REFRESHMENT!
He restoreth my soul
THAT'S HEALING!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness
THAT'S GUIDANCE!
For His name sake
THAT'S PURPOSE!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the
shadow of death
THAT'S TESTING!
I will fear no evil
THAT'S PROTECTION!
For Thou art with me
THAT'S FAITHFULNESS!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me
THAT'S DISCIPLINE!
Thou preparest a table before me in the
presence of mine enemies
THAT'S HOPE!
Thou anointest my head with oil
THAT'S CONSECRATION!
My cup runneth over
THAT'S ABUNDANCE!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life
THAT'S BLESSING!
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
THAT'S SECURITY!
Forever
THAT'S ETERNITY!
******************************************************
>From a friend -- Love to Fish
One day, two guys, Larry and Butch were out fishing. A
funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing
by, and Butch takes off his hat and puts it over his
heart. He does this until the funeral service passes
by.
Larry then said, "Gee Butch, I didn't know you had it
in you!"
Butch replies, "It's the least I could do. After all
I was married to her for twenty years..."
Stress Relief
As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at
night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the
strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate. (Because the game is online,
the team players do not see each other since they are playing from
different locations, sometimes in different cities or countries).
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master
strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after
another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless
leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I typed back, "Ten."
********************************
Most Famous Man
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
********************************
Errors and Mistakes
To err is human; to forgive devine.
To err is human; to purr, feline.
To err is human; two curs, canine.
To err is human; to do nothing, benign.
To err is human; to quit, resign.
To err is human; to howl, lupine.
To err is human; to solve, design.
To err is human; to moo, bovine.
To err is human; to soothe, calomine.
To err is human; to pretend, pantomime.
To err is human; to bloom, columbine.
To err is human; to prance, equine.
To err is human; to add, combine.
To err is human; to befriend, pal o' mine.
To err is human; to woo, Valentine.
To err is human; to horrify, Frankenstein.
To err is human; to straighten, align.
To err is human; to drown, Clementine.
To err is human; to twist, serpentine.
To err is human; to love, sublime.
To err is human; to cut in, go back in line!
********************************
23rd Psalm
The Lord is my Shepherd
THAT'S RELATIONSHIP!
I shall not want
THAT'S SUPPLY!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
THAT'S REST!
He leadeth me beside still waters
THAT'S REFRESHMENT!
He restoreth my soul
THAT'S HEALING!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness
THAT'S GUIDANCE!
For His name sake
THAT'S PURPOSE!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the
shadow of death
THAT'S TESTING!
I will fear no evil
THAT'S PROTECTION!
For Thou art with me
THAT'S FAITHFULNESS!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me
THAT'S DISCIPLINE!
Thou preparest a table before me in the
presence of mine enemies
THAT'S HOPE!
Thou anointest my head with oil
THAT'S CONSECRATION!
My cup runneth over
THAT'S ABUNDANCE!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life
THAT'S BLESSING!
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
THAT'S SECURITY!
Forever
THAT'S ETERNITY!
******************************************************
>From a friend -- Love to Fish
One day, two guys, Larry and Butch were out fishing. A
funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing
by, and Butch takes off his hat and puts it over his
heart. He does this until the funeral service passes
by.
Larry then said, "Gee Butch, I didn't know you had it
in you!"
Butch replies, "It's the least I could do. After all
I was married to her for twenty years..."
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