********************************
A Child's Mind
by Robert Byron
The original reason that I began writing and publishing short stories was so that my son wouldn't have to hear about how weird and strange I am from other people. This way, he can get that information straight from the horse's mouth. However, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, as he has increasingly become the target of many of my stories.
The mind of a child is a complex thing. How it works, I'm not quite sure. My wife wanted our son to pick up his toys and instructed him to, "Make sure you get them all." My kid interpreted this statement as, "We're going to the mall."
"No, I said to pick up them all."
"When are we going to the mall?"
"We aren't going to the mall. Pick up all of your toys."
"We're going to the mall!"
Bill Cosby is right. All children have brain damage. Evidence of this is my son running around the house with a disposable diaper on his head as he yells, "I'm a pirate! I'm a pirate!" I see a four-year-old with a diaper on his head. He sees a pirate. I just don't understand.
It's my job as a parent to help heal my child's brain damage and I must say that I have been somewhat successful. A car cut me off on the highway one afternoon and as I braked to avoid a collision my son yelled as loud as he could at the offending vehicle, "Hey! Watch it pal!"
"My first thought was, "That's my boy!"
He comes up to me and begs for me to tickle him. As soon as I grant his wish, with a fit of giggles he will say, "Stop harassing me!"
The lad has just recently gotten to the point that he no longer cries when getting a haircut. He will let me know this fact when we arrive at the barber shop be saying, "I'm not going to cry Daddy. Don't worry. I'm not going to cry. It wasn't long ago that he would sob during a haircut. It wasn't uncommon for him to jerk his head away from the barber and exclaim, "Knock it off!"
The best times are bedtime when I get to read him stories. Our ritual starts with me saying a prayer followed by his prayers and then stories. Some stories are from books others are made up as we go along. Others are recreations of actual past events as he remembers them and he seems to remember the details better than I do. I'd better get the prayer and/or story right because if I don't, I will be reprimanded without hesitation.
At the end of our nightly routine, I have been known to fall asleep as I gently rub his head. I'm almost always awakened abruptly by a child pushing on my head as he urges, "Daddy! Wake up and go to bed!" I'll get up, tuck him in, then go downstairs and listen to him get out of bed and play.
"Are you sleeping up there?"
"Yes Daddy!"
"Are you harassing me?"
"Yes Daddy!"
"Well, watch it pal!
"Yes Daddy!"
"Knock it off and go to bed!"
"Yes Daddy!"
"I'll turn to my wife and say, "This kid is crazy! Why does he act this way?"
She'll look at me and say, " I'm a pirate and I'm going to the mall."
********************************
What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? An optimist.
********************************
A cop is patrolling just before midnight in a well-known spot. He sees
a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
There's a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine, and
a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled, the cop walks to the car and raps on the driver's window
The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine. "
Pointing towards the young woman in the back, the cop says: "And her,
what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a sweater."
The cop is totally confused -- a young couple, alone in a car, at
night in a lovers' lane, and nothing obscene is happening?
"What's your age, young man?"
"Twenty-five."
"And her -- what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be eighteen in
eleven minutes."
********************************
"Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint."
~ Mark Twain
********************************
A panda eats shoots and leaves.
A gangster also eats, shoots, and leaves.
********************************
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.
If you are REALLY good, you will get out of it.
********************************
Can't Wait
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at
our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook."
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Monday, November 29, 2004
hUMOR For Novmber 29th
********************************
Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well there's one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience.
He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.
The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.
The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do.
The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret."
The Chief Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.
They both gasped with shock. It was the check for the Last Supper.
********************************
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"
One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."
********************************
If God had made woman before man, when man appeared, woman would have said, "And just where have you been?"
********************************
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
~ Francis Bacon
********************************
GIRL: "When we're married I want to share all your worries
and troubles and help lighten your burden."
BOY: "Forget it, dear. I've got no worries or troubles."
GIRL: "But we're not married yet, darling."
********************************
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well there's one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience.
He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.
The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.
The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do.
The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret."
The Chief Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.
They both gasped with shock. It was the check for the Last Supper.
********************************
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"
One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."
********************************
If God had made woman before man, when man appeared, woman would have said, "And just where have you been?"
********************************
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
~ Francis Bacon
********************************
GIRL: "When we're married I want to share all your worries
and troubles and help lighten your burden."
BOY: "Forget it, dear. I've got no worries or troubles."
GIRL: "But we're not married yet, darling."
********************************
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
hUMOR For November 28th
********************************
Bewildered
My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on
leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot
and my other brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the Air Base
where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.
When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates
came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I
followed with his gear. As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered
by their dumbfounded stares.
Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving
him a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter --
with a captain and sergeant carrying his bags!
********************************
Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"
The boss answered, "As soon as you do."
********************************
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse an sharp thwap on the shoulder.
Nothing.
He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.
Nothing.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk."
Bewildered
My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on
leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot
and my other brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the Air Base
where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.
When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates
came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I
followed with his gear. As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered
by their dumbfounded stares.
Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving
him a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter --
with a captain and sergeant carrying his bags!
********************************
Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"
The boss answered, "As soon as you do."
********************************
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse an sharp thwap on the shoulder.
Nothing.
He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.
Nothing.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk."
Saturday, November 27, 2004
hUMOR For November 27th
********************************
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out, "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
********************************
An elderly couple, Marty and Helen, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant. While looking at the menu, Helen noticed her husband looking at the vegetarian section of the menu. "What would you like Marty?"
she asked.
"I'm looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish." He replied.
"Marty, you like meat and potatoes. You won't like that dish." Helen said.
"What do you know," answered Marty, "I'm getting it."
"Marty, I'm telling' you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won't like it!" Helen exclaimed.
"I'm getting it and that is the last word!" says Marty.
A short while later the meals arrive at the table. Marty looks down and his dish and says to Helen, "Where are my eggs?"
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out, "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
********************************
An elderly couple, Marty and Helen, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant. While looking at the menu, Helen noticed her husband looking at the vegetarian section of the menu. "What would you like Marty?"
she asked.
"I'm looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish." He replied.
"Marty, you like meat and potatoes. You won't like that dish." Helen said.
"What do you know," answered Marty, "I'm getting it."
"Marty, I'm telling' you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won't like it!" Helen exclaimed.
"I'm getting it and that is the last word!" says Marty.
A short while later the meals arrive at the table. Marty looks down and his dish and says to Helen, "Where are my eggs?"
Friday, November 26, 2004
hUMOR For November 26th
********************************
A Thanksgiving Story
by Robert Byron
In the United States, Thanksgiving is a traditional holiday celebrated in the month of November. It is a holiday set aside for the specific reason of giving thanks. The holiday originates from the 1600's when a group known as the Pilgrims settled on the coast of New England.
Fleeing England because of religious prosecution, the Pilgrims moved to Holland. Although they enjoyed religious freedom there, their children were picking up the Dutch customs and were speaking the Dutch language. The Pilgrims became concerned about this as they considered the Dutch to be too liberal in their thinking. I probably would have felt the exact same way because no kid of mine is going to wear wooden shoes.
So, the Pilgrims loaded up their ship and they moved to the USA. A group of English investors called the Merchant Adventurers paid for the trip with the understanding that the pilgrims would work for them for the next seven years. They boarded a ship named the Mayflower and on September 6th, 1620, they set sail for America from Plymouth, England.
They settled at Plymouth, which had been named in 1614 by Captain John Smith. Leaving Plymouth for a destination of Plymouth had confused their ticket agent into thinking they were going on a short pleasure trip and thus, he had given them a discounted cruise package.
Having watched too many western cowboy movies, the Pilgrims were very concerned about Indian attacks. However, the local Pawtucket Indians were cable poor and had not seen the movies, thus they knew no better than to be peaceful. What the Pilgrims should have been worried about was that they had left their winter coats behind, as the winter was very severe. Out of the original 110 that settled in the new land, fewer than 50 survived the winter.
On March 16, 1621 panic spread through the settlement when an Indian strolled into the settlement. Their fears subsided when the Indian said, "Welcome" in English. This proved to the settlers that English is the universal language and the prediction was made that if an extraterrestrial ever landed in the settlement to mutilate cattle, he too, would speak English. The Indian stayed the night in their deluxe dirt floor accommodations and left the next morning. He later returned with a buddy of his named Squanto.
Squanto spoke excellent English and told the settlers about his trips to Spain and England. The settlers seemed a little disinterested in his stories, telling Squanto, "Hey Bud, we've been there! That's why we're here!" Overcoming the Pilgrims rude behavior, Squanto taught them the things they would need to know to survive the winter. He taught them how to tap maple trees for sap to make syrup. This proved useless, as the Pilgrims had not yet mastered the art of pancakes. However, he also taught them which plants were poisonous, which were edible, which were medicinal and which were for entertainment. He also taught them how to plant corn and other crops.
When October rolled around, the settlers found themselves with an abundance of food for the winter. They had plenty of fruits and vegetables as well as fish and meat. The Governor William Bradford (Democrat, Plymouth) proclaimed that there should be a day of thanksgiving to be shared alike by the settlers and the Indians. The Indians came and demonstrated their skills with the bow and arrow. The settlers, not to be outdone, started showing off by shooting stuff with their muskets.
The following year proved not to be as plentiful for the pilgrims. They were still trying to get the hang of this "growing crops" thing and they had also been sharing their food with new arrivals. The next year, heat and lack of rain produced few crops, so the Governor ordered a day of prayer for rain and since they were running short on food anyway, he ordered a fast for the day as well. Behold the power of prayer because the rains did come and to celebrate God's blessing on the colony, November 29th was proclaimed to be a day to give thanks. Thanksgiving was born.
Every year after that, once the harvest was finished, a day of thanksgiving was celebrated. Continental Congress suggested a national day of thanksgiving during the height of the American Revolution and in 1817, the state of New York had officially adopted thanksgiving to be celebrated annually. By 1863 many other states had also adopted the holiday and in that year, Abraham Lincoln appointed it as a national day of thanksgiving. Since then, Thanksgiving is usually held on the fourth Thursday in November by proclamation of the president. I hope this will put to rest the myth that the Butterball Turkey Company or the Hallmark Card Company started Thanksgiving. In actuality, the company that could be considered the originator of Thanksgiving is the Merchant Adventurers. The Merchant Adventurers, however, didn't realize the commercial potential at the time and, because of this blunder, never profited from the holiday.
Thanksgiving is a time when the people of the United States, whether descendants of the original colonists or newcomers, gather with their family and friends to give thanks for all of the blessings that they have. It is a time to remember those first Pilgrims and the struggles they had and it is a time to be grateful for all the struggles of our forefathers who made this great land what it is. It is also a time to eat like a pig so be sure to strap on the old feedbag while you sidle up to the hog trough and stick your grubby paws in that horn-O-plenty!
********************************
After-Thanksgiving Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
A Thanksgiving Story
by Robert Byron
In the United States, Thanksgiving is a traditional holiday celebrated in the month of November. It is a holiday set aside for the specific reason of giving thanks. The holiday originates from the 1600's when a group known as the Pilgrims settled on the coast of New England.
Fleeing England because of religious prosecution, the Pilgrims moved to Holland. Although they enjoyed religious freedom there, their children were picking up the Dutch customs and were speaking the Dutch language. The Pilgrims became concerned about this as they considered the Dutch to be too liberal in their thinking. I probably would have felt the exact same way because no kid of mine is going to wear wooden shoes.
So, the Pilgrims loaded up their ship and they moved to the USA. A group of English investors called the Merchant Adventurers paid for the trip with the understanding that the pilgrims would work for them for the next seven years. They boarded a ship named the Mayflower and on September 6th, 1620, they set sail for America from Plymouth, England.
They settled at Plymouth, which had been named in 1614 by Captain John Smith. Leaving Plymouth for a destination of Plymouth had confused their ticket agent into thinking they were going on a short pleasure trip and thus, he had given them a discounted cruise package.
Having watched too many western cowboy movies, the Pilgrims were very concerned about Indian attacks. However, the local Pawtucket Indians were cable poor and had not seen the movies, thus they knew no better than to be peaceful. What the Pilgrims should have been worried about was that they had left their winter coats behind, as the winter was very severe. Out of the original 110 that settled in the new land, fewer than 50 survived the winter.
On March 16, 1621 panic spread through the settlement when an Indian strolled into the settlement. Their fears subsided when the Indian said, "Welcome" in English. This proved to the settlers that English is the universal language and the prediction was made that if an extraterrestrial ever landed in the settlement to mutilate cattle, he too, would speak English. The Indian stayed the night in their deluxe dirt floor accommodations and left the next morning. He later returned with a buddy of his named Squanto.
Squanto spoke excellent English and told the settlers about his trips to Spain and England. The settlers seemed a little disinterested in his stories, telling Squanto, "Hey Bud, we've been there! That's why we're here!" Overcoming the Pilgrims rude behavior, Squanto taught them the things they would need to know to survive the winter. He taught them how to tap maple trees for sap to make syrup. This proved useless, as the Pilgrims had not yet mastered the art of pancakes. However, he also taught them which plants were poisonous, which were edible, which were medicinal and which were for entertainment. He also taught them how to plant corn and other crops.
When October rolled around, the settlers found themselves with an abundance of food for the winter. They had plenty of fruits and vegetables as well as fish and meat. The Governor William Bradford (Democrat, Plymouth) proclaimed that there should be a day of thanksgiving to be shared alike by the settlers and the Indians. The Indians came and demonstrated their skills with the bow and arrow. The settlers, not to be outdone, started showing off by shooting stuff with their muskets.
The following year proved not to be as plentiful for the pilgrims. They were still trying to get the hang of this "growing crops" thing and they had also been sharing their food with new arrivals. The next year, heat and lack of rain produced few crops, so the Governor ordered a day of prayer for rain and since they were running short on food anyway, he ordered a fast for the day as well. Behold the power of prayer because the rains did come and to celebrate God's blessing on the colony, November 29th was proclaimed to be a day to give thanks. Thanksgiving was born.
Every year after that, once the harvest was finished, a day of thanksgiving was celebrated. Continental Congress suggested a national day of thanksgiving during the height of the American Revolution and in 1817, the state of New York had officially adopted thanksgiving to be celebrated annually. By 1863 many other states had also adopted the holiday and in that year, Abraham Lincoln appointed it as a national day of thanksgiving. Since then, Thanksgiving is usually held on the fourth Thursday in November by proclamation of the president. I hope this will put to rest the myth that the Butterball Turkey Company or the Hallmark Card Company started Thanksgiving. In actuality, the company that could be considered the originator of Thanksgiving is the Merchant Adventurers. The Merchant Adventurers, however, didn't realize the commercial potential at the time and, because of this blunder, never profited from the holiday.
Thanksgiving is a time when the people of the United States, whether descendants of the original colonists or newcomers, gather with their family and friends to give thanks for all of the blessings that they have. It is a time to remember those first Pilgrims and the struggles they had and it is a time to be grateful for all the struggles of our forefathers who made this great land what it is. It is also a time to eat like a pig so be sure to strap on the old feedbag while you sidle up to the hog trough and stick your grubby paws in that horn-O-plenty!
********************************
After-Thanksgiving Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
Thursday, November 25, 2004
hUMOR For November 25th
********************************
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
********************************
In honor of my Scottish heritage and the bagpipes that I dearly love:
What is the Bagpipe?
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune a lawn mower.
Q. How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it
********************************
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
********************************
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES, PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND, 'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP. MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP, MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE, MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
********************************
Thanksgiving Prayer
My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks.
When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal
prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They
soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.
At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to
say the prayer. It went like this:
"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed
potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't
like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."
********************************
"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."
~ Martin Luther King
********************************
"Sir, I wish to marry your daughter."
"Can you support a family?"
"Yes Sir, I can.""There are eight of us."
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
********************************
In honor of my Scottish heritage and the bagpipes that I dearly love:
What is the Bagpipe?
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune a lawn mower.
Q. How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it
********************************
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
********************************
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES, PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND, 'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP. MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP, MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE, MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
********************************
Thanksgiving Prayer
My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks.
When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal
prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They
soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.
At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to
say the prayer. It went like this:
"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed
potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't
like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."
********************************
"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."
~ Martin Luther King
********************************
"Sir, I wish to marry your daughter."
"Can you support a family?"
"Yes Sir, I can.""There are eight of us."
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
hUMOR For November 24th
********************************
Simulated Office Experience When Working From Home
Get up every day at 6am, iron a shirt, put on your suit. Walk half a mile to the bus stop, stand in cold for 20 minutes. Get a bus to somewhere miles away. Get off, stand in cold for 20 minutes again and get bus back. Walk half mile back to house. It should now be about 9am.
Decorate your 'office' with a stained carpet (preferably one made of carpet
tiles,) a strip light that flickers and a vending machine which serves not-even-close-to-being-coffee.
Place a proxy between yourself and the web, pointlessly block any sites that may have useful information relevant to your job. Only allow yourself to unblock them after a week-long argument with yourself via email.
If you smoke, don't do it in the building. Stand outside (in the cold) and move at least 100 yards up the street, to avoid tarnishing your company's corporate image.
Have daily meetings, where the main topic should always be how to cut down on meetings so that actual work can be done.
At lunchtime, take another cold 20 minute walk to the local newsagent, who will be happy to supply you with a disturbingly cold sandwich from their fridge. The only one left will be egg.
Walk back to work, eating your sandwich and smoking at the same time, for efficiency and to hide the taste of the sandwich.
Every 10 minutes, pick up the phone and say 'Oh, you should have gone through to reception. Let me put you through... Oh, they're not answering.
Can I take a message?' After this, scrawl something on a post-it note and wander around the 'office' for 10 minutes to simulate finding the message recipient's desk.
At the end of the day, leave the office and perform the bus trips again.
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
My blind uncle likes to get out in the warm summer nights and take walks up to the local pub and socialize and have a cold beer, sometimes even get into a game of cards. We live in the country and he would walk about 2 miles to get there. Most evenings after the pub would close someone would offer to drive him home.
One time after a night of playing cards and a few beers, one of the other guys brought my uncle home. My uncle thanked him for the ride and went into the house and got into bed. About 5 minutes later he hears the car leaving.
The next weekend my uncle got to the pub and the same guy was there. He went up to the guy and asked him what he was doing so long outside after he dropped him off.
The guy said, "Well, when I drop someone off I wait until I see a light come on so I know they made it in the house alright. I waited and waited and I never saw a light come on."
My uncle said, "What made you think a blind man would turn a light on?"
The guy replied" Yeah, after 5-10 minutes I thought of that too."
********************************
Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.
********************************
Thanksgiving Recipes by Kids
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting
from use of her cookbook
Ivette - Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in
the pie. Then you eat it.
Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300
degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you
put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you
invite people over and eat.
Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10
hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.
Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15
minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after
5 minutes, then you eat it.
Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the
oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for
15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.
Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on
it and eat it.
Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the
oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off.
Then it's time to eat them.
Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for
1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad
cuts it and then eat.
Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10
hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.
Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19
degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.
Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9
minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.
Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put
brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then
you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then
you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it
out of the oven and then you eat it.
Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the
oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates
and then you eat it.
Jordan S - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add
the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.
Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then
you eat it.
Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it
all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then
you eat it.
Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees.
Then you cut it up and you eat it.
Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.
Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put
dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5
degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and
bring it with you. Then you eat it.
Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35
degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.
Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with
it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape.
Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.
Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook
it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then
eat it.
Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat
it.
Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat
it.
Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan.
Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it.
Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on
a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the
oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa
on it. Then you eat it.
Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then
put it on a plate. Then eat.
Sierra - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon.
Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.
Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1
hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.
Tommy - Pumpkin
Simulated Office Experience When Working From Home
Get up every day at 6am, iron a shirt, put on your suit. Walk half a mile to the bus stop, stand in cold for 20 minutes. Get a bus to somewhere miles away. Get off, stand in cold for 20 minutes again and get bus back. Walk half mile back to house. It should now be about 9am.
Decorate your 'office' with a stained carpet (preferably one made of carpet
tiles,) a strip light that flickers and a vending machine which serves not-even-close-to-being-coffee.
Place a proxy between yourself and the web, pointlessly block any sites that may have useful information relevant to your job. Only allow yourself to unblock them after a week-long argument with yourself via email.
If you smoke, don't do it in the building. Stand outside (in the cold) and move at least 100 yards up the street, to avoid tarnishing your company's corporate image.
Have daily meetings, where the main topic should always be how to cut down on meetings so that actual work can be done.
At lunchtime, take another cold 20 minute walk to the local newsagent, who will be happy to supply you with a disturbingly cold sandwich from their fridge. The only one left will be egg.
Walk back to work, eating your sandwich and smoking at the same time, for efficiency and to hide the taste of the sandwich.
Every 10 minutes, pick up the phone and say 'Oh, you should have gone through to reception. Let me put you through... Oh, they're not answering.
Can I take a message?' After this, scrawl something on a post-it note and wander around the 'office' for 10 minutes to simulate finding the message recipient's desk.
At the end of the day, leave the office and perform the bus trips again.
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
My blind uncle likes to get out in the warm summer nights and take walks up to the local pub and socialize and have a cold beer, sometimes even get into a game of cards. We live in the country and he would walk about 2 miles to get there. Most evenings after the pub would close someone would offer to drive him home.
One time after a night of playing cards and a few beers, one of the other guys brought my uncle home. My uncle thanked him for the ride and went into the house and got into bed. About 5 minutes later he hears the car leaving.
The next weekend my uncle got to the pub and the same guy was there. He went up to the guy and asked him what he was doing so long outside after he dropped him off.
The guy said, "Well, when I drop someone off I wait until I see a light come on so I know they made it in the house alright. I waited and waited and I never saw a light come on."
My uncle said, "What made you think a blind man would turn a light on?"
The guy replied" Yeah, after 5-10 minutes I thought of that too."
********************************
Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.
********************************
Thanksgiving Recipes by Kids
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting
from use of her cookbook
Ivette - Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in
the pie. Then you eat it.
Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300
degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you
put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you
invite people over and eat.
Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10
hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.
Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15
minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after
5 minutes, then you eat it.
Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the
oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for
15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.
Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on
it and eat it.
Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the
oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off.
Then it's time to eat them.
Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for
1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad
cuts it and then eat.
Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10
hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.
Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19
degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.
Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9
minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.
Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put
brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then
you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then
you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it
out of the oven and then you eat it.
Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the
oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates
and then you eat it.
Jordan S - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add
the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.
Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then
you eat it.
Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it
all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then
you eat it.
Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees.
Then you cut it up and you eat it.
Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.
Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put
dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5
degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and
bring it with you. Then you eat it.
Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35
degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.
Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with
it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape.
Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.
Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook
it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then
eat it.
Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat
it.
Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat
it.
Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan.
Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it.
Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on
a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the
oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa
on it. Then you eat it.
Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then
put it on a plate. Then eat.
Sierra - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon.
Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.
Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1
hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.
Tommy - Pumpkin
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
hUMOR For November 23rd
********************************
From our archive -- Thanks to L.M. for these:
When I was a child, my family's menu consisted of two
choices: take it or leave it.
Cheer up; birds have bills too, but they keep on singing.
We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.
No one is more unhappy than he who never had bad luck, He could never test himself.
Everything now seems to be under Federal control except the National debt and the budget.
Eventually every woman reaches the age when she doesn't want any birthdays but still wants the presents.
There are times that parenthood seems like nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.
It is better to nobly remembered than to be nobly born.
Life is a play; tis not its length, but its performance that counts.
A man that doesn't make mistakes doesn't do anything.
Is a scholarly debate feud for thought?
The only time that a woman really changes a man is when he is a baby.
Some people don't tolerate intolerance.
Children have more need for models than critics.
Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high on the food chain as we think.
We live in an age where people would rather be envied than esteemed and when that happens, God help us.
There is many a tear in the heart that never reaches that eye. Most people spread more gossip than they dig up.
There is none so blind than he who will not see.
Light is the task when many share the toil.
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
A man is no better than his word and no bigger than what it takes to make him mad.
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
Pay no attention to what the critics say. A Statue has never been erected in honor of a critic.
Most failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.
There's one thing no nation can accuse us of---that is secret diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an open book---generally a checkbook.
We have killed more people celebrating our Independence Day, than we lost fighting for it.
We should never blame the government for not doing something, it's when they do something is when they become dangerous.
Last year we said, Things can't go on like this, and they didn't. They got worse.
The news that's not fit to print is what makes the newspapers.
A horse that can count to ten is a remarkable horse, not a remarkable mathematician.
Two quick ways to disaster are to take nobody's advice and to take everybody's advice.
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands and then just eat one piece.
When love adorns the home, other decorations are secondary.
Make your life a prayer.
To stay on a diet, you need to follow the path of feast resistance.
Beware of the person that likes to have their cake ---and yours, too.
Be yourself----who is better qualified ?
Getting along with someone is 98% attitude.
Teamwork divides the effort and multiplies the effect.
Some folks won't ask for advice for fear they will leave the impression they need it.
In life, as in football, you won't go far unless you know which way the goal-post is.
Some people who are looking for jobs are not necessarily looking for work.
A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back to the crowd.
Tact is the ability to make a person see the lightning without letting him feel the jolt.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else. Success usually comes to those who are too busy to look for it.
The one thing worse than being alone is wishing you were.
An optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets to laugh.
Better to be rebuked by God than to be entertained by the devil.
There are some people who wind up on third base and never make it home.
In life, you can never do a kindness too soon because you never know when it will be to late.
Gossip is like spreading butter on bread, it is hard to unspread it.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
If you want to be near to God in prayer, don't get far away in between times.
Don't count your years; make your years count!
Faults are thick where love is thin.
We usually admire the other fellow more, after we have tried to do his job.
********************************
Little Josh was brought to Dr Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.
Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere till you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave. "
Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "Ok. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."
Dr Gill was ok with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.
Dr Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.
So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two and then Dr Gill eat half. Dr Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing barely managing to keep his cool said, "Ok, now eat!"
Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
********************************
Recycle
The age old tradition of giving birthday cards was one that my family faithfully observed when I was growing up. As a child I received those cutesy-cutesy kids cards that I never looked at longer than to inspect them for cold hard cash. As I got older, the tradition changed to include the giving of humorous cards. Instead of looking for cash on the inside, I looked for a punchline. It was a very delightful and fun tradition.
Once on my father's birthday, one of my brothers was having a hard time finding just the right card. None of the usual humor cards seemed quite funny enough so he decided to improvise. "Wishing you the best on your Bar Mitzvah," the card read. Not particularly humorous if you happen to be Jewish but but if you happen to be Presbyterian; well, I think you know what I mean.
My brother scratched out all references to Bar Mitzvah and replaced them with the word "Birthday." I think he had more fun making the card and with the anticipation of giving the card than he did in the actual giving. It was a big hit with our dad.
When my brothers birthday came around, my other brother had forgotten to get a card. The dilemma of what to do was quickly solved when he ran across the old Bar Mitzvah card that had been given to our dad. He simply scratched out our brothers signature and replaced it with his own. He then put it back in the original envelope while replacing "To Dad" with our brother's name. A little clear tape sealed the deal.
Thus began a tradition that lasted many years and fit right in with our Scottish heritage. The same Bar Mitzvah card was passed around until there was no longer any room another signature. Somewhere along the line the tradition was forgotten to the point where I haven't seen any reused birthday cards for many years. However, one of my brothers has a birthday coming up soon and I hope he isn't reading this. If he is, he knows what he's getting.
********************************
"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" - Dave Barry
********************************
Grandfather Turkey
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey
scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she
gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over
in his gravy."
From our archive -- Thanks to L.M. for these:
When I was a child, my family's menu consisted of two
choices: take it or leave it.
Cheer up; birds have bills too, but they keep on singing.
We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.
No one is more unhappy than he who never had bad luck, He could never test himself.
Everything now seems to be under Federal control except the National debt and the budget.
Eventually every woman reaches the age when she doesn't want any birthdays but still wants the presents.
There are times that parenthood seems like nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.
It is better to nobly remembered than to be nobly born.
Life is a play; tis not its length, but its performance that counts.
A man that doesn't make mistakes doesn't do anything.
Is a scholarly debate feud for thought?
The only time that a woman really changes a man is when he is a baby.
Some people don't tolerate intolerance.
Children have more need for models than critics.
Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high on the food chain as we think.
We live in an age where people would rather be envied than esteemed and when that happens, God help us.
There is many a tear in the heart that never reaches that eye. Most people spread more gossip than they dig up.
There is none so blind than he who will not see.
Light is the task when many share the toil.
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
A man is no better than his word and no bigger than what it takes to make him mad.
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
Pay no attention to what the critics say. A Statue has never been erected in honor of a critic.
Most failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.
There's one thing no nation can accuse us of---that is secret diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an open book---generally a checkbook.
We have killed more people celebrating our Independence Day, than we lost fighting for it.
We should never blame the government for not doing something, it's when they do something is when they become dangerous.
Last year we said, Things can't go on like this, and they didn't. They got worse.
The news that's not fit to print is what makes the newspapers.
A horse that can count to ten is a remarkable horse, not a remarkable mathematician.
Two quick ways to disaster are to take nobody's advice and to take everybody's advice.
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands and then just eat one piece.
When love adorns the home, other decorations are secondary.
Make your life a prayer.
To stay on a diet, you need to follow the path of feast resistance.
Beware of the person that likes to have their cake ---and yours, too.
Be yourself----who is better qualified ?
Getting along with someone is 98% attitude.
Teamwork divides the effort and multiplies the effect.
Some folks won't ask for advice for fear they will leave the impression they need it.
In life, as in football, you won't go far unless you know which way the goal-post is.
Some people who are looking for jobs are not necessarily looking for work.
A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back to the crowd.
Tact is the ability to make a person see the lightning without letting him feel the jolt.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else. Success usually comes to those who are too busy to look for it.
The one thing worse than being alone is wishing you were.
An optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets to laugh.
Better to be rebuked by God than to be entertained by the devil.
There are some people who wind up on third base and never make it home.
In life, you can never do a kindness too soon because you never know when it will be to late.
Gossip is like spreading butter on bread, it is hard to unspread it.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
If you want to be near to God in prayer, don't get far away in between times.
Don't count your years; make your years count!
Faults are thick where love is thin.
We usually admire the other fellow more, after we have tried to do his job.
********************************
Little Josh was brought to Dr Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.
Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere till you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave. "
Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "Ok. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."
Dr Gill was ok with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.
Dr Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.
So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two and then Dr Gill eat half. Dr Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing barely managing to keep his cool said, "Ok, now eat!"
Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
********************************
Recycle
The age old tradition of giving birthday cards was one that my family faithfully observed when I was growing up. As a child I received those cutesy-cutesy kids cards that I never looked at longer than to inspect them for cold hard cash. As I got older, the tradition changed to include the giving of humorous cards. Instead of looking for cash on the inside, I looked for a punchline. It was a very delightful and fun tradition.
Once on my father's birthday, one of my brothers was having a hard time finding just the right card. None of the usual humor cards seemed quite funny enough so he decided to improvise. "Wishing you the best on your Bar Mitzvah," the card read. Not particularly humorous if you happen to be Jewish but but if you happen to be Presbyterian; well, I think you know what I mean.
My brother scratched out all references to Bar Mitzvah and replaced them with the word "Birthday." I think he had more fun making the card and with the anticipation of giving the card than he did in the actual giving. It was a big hit with our dad.
When my brothers birthday came around, my other brother had forgotten to get a card. The dilemma of what to do was quickly solved when he ran across the old Bar Mitzvah card that had been given to our dad. He simply scratched out our brothers signature and replaced it with his own. He then put it back in the original envelope while replacing "To Dad" with our brother's name. A little clear tape sealed the deal.
Thus began a tradition that lasted many years and fit right in with our Scottish heritage. The same Bar Mitzvah card was passed around until there was no longer any room another signature. Somewhere along the line the tradition was forgotten to the point where I haven't seen any reused birthday cards for many years. However, one of my brothers has a birthday coming up soon and I hope he isn't reading this. If he is, he knows what he's getting.
********************************
"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" - Dave Barry
********************************
Grandfather Turkey
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey
scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she
gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over
in his gravy."
Monday, November 22, 2004
hUMOR For November 22nd
********************************
From our archive -- Thanks to L.M. for these:
Nothing is as irritating as the fellow that chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.
It is often easier to hide something than to hide the fact that you are hiding something.
The best way to make a small fortune is to start with a big one.
Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to be sure that one of them is a match.
A house may be too small for one family, but it can never be big enough for two.
You've heard of the three ages of man: Youth, Middle age, and "you are looking wonderful".
What is more enchanting than the voices of young people when you can't hear what they say?
Seldom is anyone so spiritual as to strip himself entirely of self-love.
It is difficult to see why lace should be so costly; it is mostly holes.
RESOLVED for year 2002: Remember, DIET has a big fat D because I ET too much.
Better a thousand enemies outside the house than one inside.
Could've been ark trouble: Have you ever stopped to consider what would have happened if Noah had allowed same-sex couples to represent their species when he was marching the animals aboard the ark two by two?
There's nothing that takes a fellow down a notch or two faster than a bad haircut.
There's another advantage to being poor----A doctor will cure you faster.
Worry is like riding a roller coaster---It scares you and you always end up right where you started.
True friends are those who, when you've made a fool of yourself, don't think you've done a permanent job.
Don't live in the past.....you've already been there.
You can't sell from an empty wagon.
Although the tongue weighs very little, few people are able to hold it.
When friendship costs something, then you can count your friends.
I never can do what I want to do for having to do what I have to do.
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
In a human being, the wishbone is located just under the hat.
Shadows fall behind you when you face the sun.
A candle loses nothing when it lights another.
A humble man never blows his 'knows' in public.
Children can usually repeat word for word those things you shouldn't have said.
Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.
The only person more obnoxious than a wise guy, is a wise guy who turns out to be right.
Inspiration + Aspiration + Perspiration = SUCCESS
The average child learns to walk at 17 months. The
average mother learns soon after.
Take nothing on its looks; take everything on evidence.
Living a Christian Life is not the most popular thing that you may do, but it is the most important thing that you will ever do!
It is always easy to add a word, but sometimes hard to withdraw one.
It's all right to have a train of thought; if you have a terminal.
A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent one.
The best way to appreciate life is to imagine yourself without it.
If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.
You'll never strain your eyes by looking at the bright side of things.
Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely necessary.
Even good steel loses its temper when it gets overheated.
If you live in harmony with yourself, you are apt to live in harmony with others.
Living on a budget is the same as living beyond your means, except you have a record of it.
The wise judge by what they see, the foolish by what they hear.
When we are defeated, it should stimulate us to try harder the next time.
What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back with a hinge in it.
******************************************************
Thanks to G.B. -- Geezers
Geezers" are easy to spot; this is slang for an old man. But, at sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, they hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
They remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler.
They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.
If you bump into a "Geezer" on the sidewalk, he'll apologize, pass a Geezer on the street, he'll nod, or tip his cap to a lady. "Geezers" trust strangers and are courtly to women. They hold the door for the next person and always when walking, make sure the lady is on the inside for protection.
"Geezers" get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like violence and filth on TV and in movies. Geezers have moral courage.
Geezers seldom brag unless it's about the grandchildren in Little League or music recitals. This country needs "Geezers" with their decent values and common sense. We need them now more than ever. It's the "Geezers" who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country in foreign lands, just as they did, without a thought except to do a good job, the best you can and to get home to loved ones.
Thank God for "OLD GEEZERS"! They love like there is no tomorrow.
********************************
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
********************************
Ya'lls In A Redneck Church If
There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think the "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo) from Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
********************************
A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu. The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?"
The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that Mom has."
From our archive -- Thanks to L.M. for these:
Nothing is as irritating as the fellow that chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.
It is often easier to hide something than to hide the fact that you are hiding something.
The best way to make a small fortune is to start with a big one.
Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to be sure that one of them is a match.
A house may be too small for one family, but it can never be big enough for two.
You've heard of the three ages of man: Youth, Middle age, and "you are looking wonderful".
What is more enchanting than the voices of young people when you can't hear what they say?
Seldom is anyone so spiritual as to strip himself entirely of self-love.
It is difficult to see why lace should be so costly; it is mostly holes.
RESOLVED for year 2002: Remember, DIET has a big fat D because I ET too much.
Better a thousand enemies outside the house than one inside.
Could've been ark trouble: Have you ever stopped to consider what would have happened if Noah had allowed same-sex couples to represent their species when he was marching the animals aboard the ark two by two?
There's nothing that takes a fellow down a notch or two faster than a bad haircut.
There's another advantage to being poor----A doctor will cure you faster.
Worry is like riding a roller coaster---It scares you and you always end up right where you started.
True friends are those who, when you've made a fool of yourself, don't think you've done a permanent job.
Don't live in the past.....you've already been there.
You can't sell from an empty wagon.
Although the tongue weighs very little, few people are able to hold it.
When friendship costs something, then you can count your friends.
I never can do what I want to do for having to do what I have to do.
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
In a human being, the wishbone is located just under the hat.
Shadows fall behind you when you face the sun.
A candle loses nothing when it lights another.
A humble man never blows his 'knows' in public.
Children can usually repeat word for word those things you shouldn't have said.
Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.
The only person more obnoxious than a wise guy, is a wise guy who turns out to be right.
Inspiration + Aspiration + Perspiration = SUCCESS
The average child learns to walk at 17 months. The
average mother learns soon after.
Take nothing on its looks; take everything on evidence.
Living a Christian Life is not the most popular thing that you may do, but it is the most important thing that you will ever do!
It is always easy to add a word, but sometimes hard to withdraw one.
It's all right to have a train of thought; if you have a terminal.
A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent one.
The best way to appreciate life is to imagine yourself without it.
If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.
You'll never strain your eyes by looking at the bright side of things.
Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely necessary.
Even good steel loses its temper when it gets overheated.
If you live in harmony with yourself, you are apt to live in harmony with others.
Living on a budget is the same as living beyond your means, except you have a record of it.
The wise judge by what they see, the foolish by what they hear.
When we are defeated, it should stimulate us to try harder the next time.
What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back with a hinge in it.
******************************************************
Thanks to G.B. -- Geezers
Geezers" are easy to spot; this is slang for an old man. But, at sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, they hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
They remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler.
They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.
If you bump into a "Geezer" on the sidewalk, he'll apologize, pass a Geezer on the street, he'll nod, or tip his cap to a lady. "Geezers" trust strangers and are courtly to women. They hold the door for the next person and always when walking, make sure the lady is on the inside for protection.
"Geezers" get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like violence and filth on TV and in movies. Geezers have moral courage.
Geezers seldom brag unless it's about the grandchildren in Little League or music recitals. This country needs "Geezers" with their decent values and common sense. We need them now more than ever. It's the "Geezers" who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country in foreign lands, just as they did, without a thought except to do a good job, the best you can and to get home to loved ones.
Thank God for "OLD GEEZERS"! They love like there is no tomorrow.
********************************
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
********************************
Ya'lls In A Redneck Church If
There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think the "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo) from Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
********************************
A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu. The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?"
The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that Mom has."
Sunday, November 21, 2004
hUMOR For November 21st
********************************
Thanks to AB: NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES
Afghanistan Cruise
We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush became President. With that in mind we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise.
Attention
Would
Alec Baldwin
Rosie O'Donnell
Ed Asner
Whoopi Goldberg
Cher
Phil Donahue
Rob Reiner
Barbara Streisand
Jane Fonda
Pierre Salinger
and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets, and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise "Elation" which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan. You may opt at no extra charge to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq.
The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.
Please pack for an extended stay . . . at least four more years.
Note: Since you advocate strict gun control you may
not bring any weapons.
Staffing your voyage is:
Bill Clinton
captain
Al Gore
cruise director
Monica Lewinsky
recreation director
Ted Kennedy
lifeguard/emergency procedures director
Ex-Congressman Gary Condit
as intern coordinator
If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends, and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return. Bon Voyage!
Is this a great country or what!
******************************************************
Thanks to marti -- Stop the Insanity! We are NEXT!
We must stop this immediately!
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are?
Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW
-- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.
Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such! small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
********************************
Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection is A Little Slow
1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.
4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online.
6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989.
7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan".
8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
********************************
Bear Warnings
While vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings
about bears posted in campgrounds, visitor centers and rest areas
advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a
bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.
My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas
station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a
bear, don't come in here!"
********************************
Family dinner was an enjoyable weekly ritual for us. Although my Mother was in her late 80's she certainly still had the ability to clearly say what was on her mind.
This was the first dinner on my sister's beautiful new dining room furniture. As we all sat enjoying good food and conversation Mom kept squirming in her chair. Finally, my sister asked, "Are you alright? Are you uncomfortable?"
Without looking up from her dinner Mom replied, "No, the chair is."
********************************
My friend's wife insisted on some professional help in the garden, my friend, being the net-savvy dude that he is, searched Google for a qualified gardener and scheduled a meeting with the man at his Danville home. That person was given directions to the house via email and the meeting was set for 11 AM on Tuesday. At 8 AM my friend received a call from the gardener stating that he could not find the house, let alone the street name on the map he possessed.
"Ok, you know where the Burger King is?" My friend asked on the cell phone, "We're in the homes right behind there."
"Yea, I know the Burger King, but there is no Hartz Avenue at the intersection to turn left onto."
"Ok, which way are you heading, east or west on Danville Blvd?"
"Why, west I suppose."
"And you see the Burger King there on the right?"
"Yes."
"Ok, then just make a left there, that's Hartz Avenue."
A little perturbed, the gardener replied, "There is no street off to the left, it's a dead end."
"Are you sure you're in Danville?"
"Heck yea, I've lived round these parts all my life."
"You're not in San Ramon or something, are you?"
"There ain't no San Ramon round here. I came in from Shelby City."
"Where's Shelby City?"
"Why, it's in Kentucky.
Where the heck are you?"
There was a long pause and my friend answered, "California." And hung up.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an 'odd' number." - Steven Wright
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A goober was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
Thanks to AB: NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES
Afghanistan Cruise
We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush became President. With that in mind we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise.
Attention
Would
Alec Baldwin
Rosie O'Donnell
Ed Asner
Whoopi Goldberg
Cher
Phil Donahue
Rob Reiner
Barbara Streisand
Jane Fonda
Pierre Salinger
and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets, and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise "Elation" which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan. You may opt at no extra charge to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq.
The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.
Please pack for an extended stay . . . at least four more years.
Note: Since you advocate strict gun control you may
not bring any weapons.
Staffing your voyage is:
Bill Clinton
captain
Al Gore
cruise director
Monica Lewinsky
recreation director
Ted Kennedy
lifeguard/emergency procedures director
Ex-Congressman Gary Condit
as intern coordinator
If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends, and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return. Bon Voyage!
Is this a great country or what!
******************************************************
Thanks to marti -- Stop the Insanity! We are NEXT!
We must stop this immediately!
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are?
Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW
-- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.
Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such! small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
********************************
Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection is A Little Slow
1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.
4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online.
6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989.
7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan".
8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
********************************
Bear Warnings
While vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings
about bears posted in campgrounds, visitor centers and rest areas
advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a
bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.
My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas
station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a
bear, don't come in here!"
********************************
Family dinner was an enjoyable weekly ritual for us. Although my Mother was in her late 80's she certainly still had the ability to clearly say what was on her mind.
This was the first dinner on my sister's beautiful new dining room furniture. As we all sat enjoying good food and conversation Mom kept squirming in her chair. Finally, my sister asked, "Are you alright? Are you uncomfortable?"
Without looking up from her dinner Mom replied, "No, the chair is."
********************************
My friend's wife insisted on some professional help in the garden, my friend, being the net-savvy dude that he is, searched Google for a qualified gardener and scheduled a meeting with the man at his Danville home. That person was given directions to the house via email and the meeting was set for 11 AM on Tuesday. At 8 AM my friend received a call from the gardener stating that he could not find the house, let alone the street name on the map he possessed.
"Ok, you know where the Burger King is?" My friend asked on the cell phone, "We're in the homes right behind there."
"Yea, I know the Burger King, but there is no Hartz Avenue at the intersection to turn left onto."
"Ok, which way are you heading, east or west on Danville Blvd?"
"Why, west I suppose."
"And you see the Burger King there on the right?"
"Yes."
"Ok, then just make a left there, that's Hartz Avenue."
A little perturbed, the gardener replied, "There is no street off to the left, it's a dead end."
"Are you sure you're in Danville?"
"Heck yea, I've lived round these parts all my life."
"You're not in San Ramon or something, are you?"
"There ain't no San Ramon round here. I came in from Shelby City."
"Where's Shelby City?"
"Why, it's in Kentucky.
Where the heck are you?"
There was a long pause and my friend answered, "California." And hung up.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an 'odd' number." - Steven Wright
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A goober was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
Saturday, November 20, 2004
hUMOR For November 20th
********************************
Thanks to marti -- Mother's Patience
Little Johnny had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin.
"If I hear you call 'Mother' one more time, you will be punished," she warned him sternly.
For a while it was quiet, and then she heard a small voice call from the top of the stairs, "Mrs. Jones?
Can I have a drink of water?"
******************************************************
Thanks to marti -- Food for Thought
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 cups of coffee...
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee...
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. FIRST Praise God and Do His will, Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."
Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID.
******************************************************
Thanks to AB for the following piece offered for your entertainment...
(This is hilarious; no wonder some people were
offended!)
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
This is the actual answering machine message for the
school:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
"To lie about why your child is absent ----- Press 1
"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work ------ Press 2
"To complain about what we do ----- Press 3
"To swear at staff members ----- Press 4
"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you ----- Press 5
"If you want us to raise your child ----- Press 6
"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone ----- Press 7
"To request another teacher for the third time this year ---- Press 8
"To complain about bus transportation ----- Press 9
"To complain about school lunches ----- Press 0
"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
********************************
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.
Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
********************************
Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor.
"I'm here to do my postnatal exercises," I told the instructor.
She gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"
"Twenty-six," I replied.
********************************
The slave driver of the Roman ship stared down at his slaves and yelled,
"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."
The mumbling of the happy slaves was interrupted by the bellowing of the slave driver.
"The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski tomorrow morning."
********************************
Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished I said, "This may hurt a little, Doc. I don't have any money.
********************************
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from hernameplate that her name is Patricia Whack."Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog sayshis name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay,he knows the bank manager.Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelainelephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bankmanager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger outthere who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wantsto use this as collateral."She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"(you're gonna love this)SCROLL DOWN
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's aRolling Stone."
********************************
An Italian, and Irishman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping".
To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling"
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies".
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile".
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian guy "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian guy replies in a heavy accent "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear And I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!!"
-----------------------------
OK, now that you've belly-laughed, get back to work!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Mother's Patience
Little Johnny had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin.
"If I hear you call 'Mother' one more time, you will be punished," she warned him sternly.
For a while it was quiet, and then she heard a small voice call from the top of the stairs, "Mrs. Jones?
Can I have a drink of water?"
******************************************************
Thanks to marti -- Food for Thought
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 cups of coffee...
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee...
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. FIRST Praise God and Do His will, Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."
Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID.
******************************************************
Thanks to AB for the following piece offered for your entertainment...
(This is hilarious; no wonder some people were
offended!)
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
This is the actual answering machine message for the
school:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
"To lie about why your child is absent ----- Press 1
"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work ------ Press 2
"To complain about what we do ----- Press 3
"To swear at staff members ----- Press 4
"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you ----- Press 5
"If you want us to raise your child ----- Press 6
"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone ----- Press 7
"To request another teacher for the third time this year ---- Press 8
"To complain about bus transportation ----- Press 9
"To complain about school lunches ----- Press 0
"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
********************************
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.
Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
********************************
Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor.
"I'm here to do my postnatal exercises," I told the instructor.
She gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"
"Twenty-six," I replied.
********************************
The slave driver of the Roman ship stared down at his slaves and yelled,
"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."
The mumbling of the happy slaves was interrupted by the bellowing of the slave driver.
"The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski tomorrow morning."
********************************
Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished I said, "This may hurt a little, Doc. I don't have any money.
********************************
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from hernameplate that her name is Patricia Whack."Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog sayshis name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay,he knows the bank manager.Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelainelephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bankmanager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger outthere who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wantsto use this as collateral."She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"(you're gonna love this)SCROLL DOWN
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's aRolling Stone."
********************************
An Italian, and Irishman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping".
To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling"
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies".
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile".
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian guy "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian guy replies in a heavy accent "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear And I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!!"
-----------------------------
OK, now that you've belly-laughed, get back to work!!!!!!!
Friday, November 19, 2004
hUMOR For November 19
********************************
Thanks to Linda Fromer for today's CleanPun.
Q: How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?
A: Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.
********************************
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'."
The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
********************************
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
********************************
True Calls to the IRS
Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ....
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." - Bernard Bailey
********************************
Thanks to DC: For A Change
A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."
The following day her husband filled her request. He put $20 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer. On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.
******************************************************
Thanks to DC:
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.
While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
******************************************************
Thanks to marti -- Senior Moment
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
******************************************************
Thanks to DA: The Sailor and the Marine
An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.
"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars.
Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.
"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.
"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"
******************************************************
Thanks to marti -- Eating A Worm
Little Timmy sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.
She turned pale.
"No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Timmy.
"Why not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!"
******************************************************
Here is another powerful quote from marti -- who, by the way, has offered many such inspiring thoughts through the past two years of my life, far and away the most difficult I have ever faced, ts --
It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
********************************
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."
The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."
Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."
Thanks to Linda Fromer for today's CleanPun.
Q: How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?
A: Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.
********************************
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'."
The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
********************************
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
********************************
True Calls to the IRS
Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ....
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." - Bernard Bailey
********************************
Thanks to DC: For A Change
A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."
The following day her husband filled her request. He put $20 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer. On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.
******************************************************
Thanks to DC:
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.
While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
******************************************************
Thanks to marti -- Senior Moment
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
******************************************************
Thanks to DA: The Sailor and the Marine
An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.
"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars.
Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.
"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.
"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"
******************************************************
Thanks to marti -- Eating A Worm
Little Timmy sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.
She turned pale.
"No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Timmy.
"Why not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!"
******************************************************
Here is another powerful quote from marti -- who, by the way, has offered many such inspiring thoughts through the past two years of my life, far and away the most difficult I have ever faced, ts --
It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
********************************
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."
The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."
Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."
Thursday, November 18, 2004
hUMOR For November th
********************************
Jennifer had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
"Pretty good, I think," replied Jennifer, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing.
"Is that what they told you?"
"No," replied Jennifer, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"
********************************
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
********************************
"Can people predict the future with cards?" Jessica asked Danny.
"My mother can," Danny replied.
"Really?"
"Yes," Danny told her, "she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home.
********************************
Government Pipe Specifications
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.
(outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe"
clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe"
painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
********************************
A young man says to his father, "Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect?"
The father says, "She does? Wow! How do you know?"
"I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith just before she used the word idiot."
********************************
Getting Older
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take
an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the
class was over.
Jennifer had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
"Pretty good, I think," replied Jennifer, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing.
"Is that what they told you?"
"No," replied Jennifer, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"
********************************
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
********************************
"Can people predict the future with cards?" Jessica asked Danny.
"My mother can," Danny replied.
"Really?"
"Yes," Danny told her, "she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home.
********************************
Government Pipe Specifications
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.
(outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe"
clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe"
painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
********************************
A young man says to his father, "Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect?"
The father says, "She does? Wow! How do you know?"
"I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith just before she used the word idiot."
********************************
Getting Older
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take
an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the
class was over.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
hUMOR For November 17th
********************************
A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel in the corner. "Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
********************************
Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written then.
"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the date, and the name."
She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to change the name."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand. I wasn't surprised when a friend of my daughter showed me a Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
She replied, "Honesty."
********************************
Thanks to my friend PW in TX: Blonde on a horse (Does this remind you of anyone you know?)
A blonde decided to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. Unassisted she mounts the horse and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its' rider's predicament.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over, again. Mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her good fortune, Wayne, the Wal-Mart greeter, rushes to her aid and unplugs the horse.
******************************************************
Thanks to MAK: Thought for Today
Only dead fish swim with the stream.
********************************
Thanks to marti -- HANDS
An old man, probably some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the park bench. He didn't move, just sat with his head down staring at his hands. When I sat down beside him he didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if he was ok.
Finally, not really wanting to disturb him but wanting to check on him at the same time, I asked him if he was ok. He raised his head and looked at me and smiled.
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," he said in a clear strong voice.
"I didn't mean to disturb you, sir, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were ok?" I explained to him.
"Have you ever looked at your hands?", he asked. "I mean really looked at your hands."
I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point he was making.
Then he smiled and related this story:
"Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years.
These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer.
They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They dried the tears of my children and caressed the love of my life. They held my rifle and wiped my tears when I went off to war. They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They wrote the letters home and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse and walked my daughter down the aisle. Yet, they were strong and sure when I dug my buddy out of a foxhole and lifted a plow off of my best friends foot. They have held children, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body.
They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of my life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home.
And He won't care about where these hands have been or what they have done.
What He will care about is to whom these hands belong and how much He loves these hands. And with these hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ."
"HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS"
********************************
Divy It Up!
A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic
classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to
his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the
rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand
and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"
A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel in the corner. "Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
********************************
Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written then.
"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the date, and the name."
She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to change the name."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand. I wasn't surprised when a friend of my daughter showed me a Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
She replied, "Honesty."
********************************
Thanks to my friend PW in TX: Blonde on a horse (Does this remind you of anyone you know?)
A blonde decided to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. Unassisted she mounts the horse and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its' rider's predicament.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over, again. Mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her good fortune, Wayne, the Wal-Mart greeter, rushes to her aid and unplugs the horse.
******************************************************
Thanks to MAK: Thought for Today
Only dead fish swim with the stream.
********************************
Thanks to marti -- HANDS
An old man, probably some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the park bench. He didn't move, just sat with his head down staring at his hands. When I sat down beside him he didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if he was ok.
Finally, not really wanting to disturb him but wanting to check on him at the same time, I asked him if he was ok. He raised his head and looked at me and smiled.
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," he said in a clear strong voice.
"I didn't mean to disturb you, sir, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were ok?" I explained to him.
"Have you ever looked at your hands?", he asked. "I mean really looked at your hands."
I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point he was making.
Then he smiled and related this story:
"Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years.
These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer.
They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They dried the tears of my children and caressed the love of my life. They held my rifle and wiped my tears when I went off to war. They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They wrote the letters home and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse and walked my daughter down the aisle. Yet, they were strong and sure when I dug my buddy out of a foxhole and lifted a plow off of my best friends foot. They have held children, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body.
They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of my life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home.
And He won't care about where these hands have been or what they have done.
What He will care about is to whom these hands belong and how much He loves these hands. And with these hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ."
"HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS"
********************************
Divy It Up!
A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic
classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to
his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the
rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand
and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
hUMOR For November 16th
********************************
No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care. But she never gives up hope.
While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window. "Look," she whispered, "death row."
********************************
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
********************************
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
********************************
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.The blonde started laughing.This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
********************************
Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
********************************
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
********************************
Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die?A: Alone.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear.Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?A: She drowns it.Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
********************************
Thanks to WW: Paul Harvey: Why there's no flu vaccine.
The major pharmaceutical companies in the US provided almost 90% of the nations flu vaccine at one time.
They did this despite a very low profit margin for the product. Basically, they were doing us a favor. In the late 80's a man from North Carolina who had received the vaccine got the flu.
The strain he caught was one of the strains in that years vaccine made by a US company. What did he do? He sued and he won. He was awarded almost $5 million!
After that case was appealed and lost, most US pharmaceutical companies stopped making the vaccine.
The liability out weighed the profit margin.
Since UK and Canadian laws prohibit such frivolous law suits UK and Canadian companies began selling the vaccine in the US.
By the way...the lawyer that represented the man in the flu shot law suit was a young ambulance chaser by the name of John Edwards. .......and now you know the rest of the story.
********************************
Thanks to my friend, LM in AR: This pretty much covers it!
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God
******************************************************
Thanks to marti -- JESUS LOVES ME
Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow.
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME...
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go.
On through life, let come what may
He'll be there to lead the way.
CHORUS)
Though I am no longer young,
I have much which He's begun.
Let me serve Christ with a smile,
Go with others the extra mile.
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS)
When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.
(CHORUS)
I love Jesus, does he know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.
If you think this is neat, please pass it on to all of your friends.
If you do not pass it on, nothing bad will happen, but you will have missed an opportunity to "Reach out and Touch" a friend or a loved one.
God Bless Us All !!!
******************************************************
Thanks again to C.J. -- HE PACKED A LIBRARY
A story was told of a young man who was preparing to take a long trip. He told his friend, "I am just about packed I have to put in: a guide book, a mirror, a microscope, a lamp, a telescope, volume of fine poetry, a package of old letters, a few biographies, a book of psalms, a sword, a hammer, a set of books I've been studying."
You can't get all that in your bag said his friend.
"Oh! yes, I can he replied," and with that he placed his Bible in the corner of his suit case and closed the lid. --Unknown
******************************************************
Thanks to Joel Hendon (jhhendon@mindspring.com) and his HOUSEHOLD OF FAITH EZINE -- I highly recommend his free publication!
One in every four Americans has some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you!
Anywhere is within walking distance, if you've got the time.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Don't forget, National Atheism Day: April 1st.
******************************************************
From LameJokes -- A Dirty Trick
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, so he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer..."
********************************
Hesitant Driver
A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete
stop on the freeway on-ramp.
The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally a furious voice
from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey, fellow! The sign says 'Yield,' not 'surrender!'"
No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care. But she never gives up hope.
While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window. "Look," she whispered, "death row."
********************************
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
********************************
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
********************************
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.The blonde started laughing.This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
********************************
Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
********************************
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
********************************
Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die?A: Alone.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear.Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?A: She drowns it.Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
********************************
Thanks to WW: Paul Harvey: Why there's no flu vaccine.
The major pharmaceutical companies in the US provided almost 90% of the nations flu vaccine at one time.
They did this despite a very low profit margin for the product. Basically, they were doing us a favor. In the late 80's a man from North Carolina who had received the vaccine got the flu.
The strain he caught was one of the strains in that years vaccine made by a US company. What did he do? He sued and he won. He was awarded almost $5 million!
After that case was appealed and lost, most US pharmaceutical companies stopped making the vaccine.
The liability out weighed the profit margin.
Since UK and Canadian laws prohibit such frivolous law suits UK and Canadian companies began selling the vaccine in the US.
By the way...the lawyer that represented the man in the flu shot law suit was a young ambulance chaser by the name of John Edwards. .......and now you know the rest of the story.
********************************
Thanks to my friend, LM in AR: This pretty much covers it!
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God
******************************************************
Thanks to marti -- JESUS LOVES ME
Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow.
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME...
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go.
On through life, let come what may
He'll be there to lead the way.
CHORUS)
Though I am no longer young,
I have much which He's begun.
Let me serve Christ with a smile,
Go with others the extra mile.
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS)
When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.
(CHORUS)
I love Jesus, does he know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.
If you think this is neat, please pass it on to all of your friends.
If you do not pass it on, nothing bad will happen, but you will have missed an opportunity to "Reach out and Touch" a friend or a loved one.
God Bless Us All !!!
******************************************************
Thanks again to C.J. -- HE PACKED A LIBRARY
A story was told of a young man who was preparing to take a long trip. He told his friend, "I am just about packed I have to put in: a guide book, a mirror, a microscope, a lamp, a telescope, volume of fine poetry, a package of old letters, a few biographies, a book of psalms, a sword, a hammer, a set of books I've been studying."
You can't get all that in your bag said his friend.
"Oh! yes, I can he replied," and with that he placed his Bible in the corner of his suit case and closed the lid. --Unknown
******************************************************
Thanks to Joel Hendon (jhhendon@mindspring.com) and his HOUSEHOLD OF FAITH EZINE -- I highly recommend his free publication!
One in every four Americans has some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you!
Anywhere is within walking distance, if you've got the time.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Don't forget, National Atheism Day: April 1st.
******************************************************
From LameJokes -- A Dirty Trick
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, so he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer..."
********************************
Hesitant Driver
A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete
stop on the freeway on-ramp.
The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally a furious voice
from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey, fellow! The sign says 'Yield,' not 'surrender!'"
Monday, November 15, 2004
hUMOR For November 15th
********************************
From our archive -- From PackyHumor:
On Marriage: One-Liners
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
******************************************************
Some old, some new -- thanks to a friend: Church Signs
"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard"
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back"
"Life has many choices - Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"
"Soul food served here"
“Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"We should be more concerned with the Rock of Ages, instead of the age of rocks"
"Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are"
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!"
"Come early for a good Backseat"
"Seven days without prayer makes one weak"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"
"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash"
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary"
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible"
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"
"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies"
"To belittle is to be little" Kenneth Cooper
Remember me when you want to make sure your family is in good hands....
******************************************************
From a friend -- "Ya'llbonics" (NOTE: For the record, I am an Arkansas native and I still ran this piece in the interest of good humor...)
ANY GOOD SOUTH'NER WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW !
HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage "Heidi, Hire yew ?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert !"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin'
and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage Just set that bare rat cheer.
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."
ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas. Oxygen.
Usage "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE !"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny ?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart ?
Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see". Usage "Billy Bob seed Bubba over'ta the fill'n station yester'd."
VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view ?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
********************************
From our archive -- Thanks to L.M. for this one -- MEMORY
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
******************************************************
Thanks to a friend for these...
Attending Church
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
*****
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
*****
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
*****
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's
Pontius-the Pilot.
*****
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
*****
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
******************************************************
From a friend:
"I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it."
--Steven Wright
***
"Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number." --Unknown
***
The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
******************************************************
From a friend:
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river.
The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black, was standing on the church steps after the funeral, receiving condolences, when an old friend of the contractor came up.
"I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend.
"Did Mike leave you well fixed?"
"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."
"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."
"Nor swim either," added the widow.
From our archive -- From PackyHumor:
On Marriage: One-Liners
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
******************************************************
Some old, some new -- thanks to a friend: Church Signs
"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard"
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back"
"Life has many choices - Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"
"Soul food served here"
“Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"We should be more concerned with the Rock of Ages, instead of the age of rocks"
"Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are"
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!"
"Come early for a good Backseat"
"Seven days without prayer makes one weak"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"
"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash"
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary"
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible"
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"
"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies"
"To belittle is to be little" Kenneth Cooper
Remember me when you want to make sure your family is in good hands....
******************************************************
From a friend -- "Ya'llbonics" (NOTE: For the record, I am an Arkansas native and I still ran this piece in the interest of good humor...)
ANY GOOD SOUTH'NER WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW !
HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage "Heidi, Hire yew ?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert !"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin'
and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage Just set that bare rat cheer.
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."
ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas. Oxygen.
Usage "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE !"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny ?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart ?
Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see". Usage "Billy Bob seed Bubba over'ta the fill'n station yester'd."
VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view ?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
********************************
From our archive -- Thanks to L.M. for this one -- MEMORY
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
******************************************************
Thanks to a friend for these...
Attending Church
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
*****
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
*****
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
*****
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's
Pontius-the Pilot.
*****
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
*****
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
******************************************************
From a friend:
"I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it."
--Steven Wright
***
"Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number." --Unknown
***
The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
******************************************************
From a friend:
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river.
The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black, was standing on the church steps after the funeral, receiving condolences, when an old friend of the contractor came up.
"I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend.
"Did Mike leave you well fixed?"
"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."
"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."
"Nor swim either," added the widow.
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