********************************
*Things you would never know without the movies*
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love...
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty...
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons...
Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement...
Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear...
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely...
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant...
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings, especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident...
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 23.
********************************
*Things you would never know without the movies*
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love...
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty...
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons...
Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement...
Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear...
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely...
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant...
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings, especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident...
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 23.
********************************
BIG JOHN
Tennessee Ernie couldn't have done it better.
Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive
Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five
Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine
And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul
His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll
'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes
It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes - Big John.
Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown
'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star
The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won
Then turned against his country and his Navy friends
And sold them out for his own selfish ends (Big John)
He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows
Giving aid and comfort to America's foes
It was clear to see whose side he was on
Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon - Big John
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore
He never had to work a day in his life
'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! - Big John
Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die
To give him the freedom to tell us his lies
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Thousands have sacrificed their young lives
To help ensure that our nation survives
A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face
To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced...
FADE (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
********************************
My friend PW sent this to me and I just had to forward it to some friends... I hope you enjoy it! Tim
Why you need to vote....
My Nightmare ...
Nov. 3, 2004
I woke up on the morning of November 3, 2004 to find:
John Kerry - President
John Edwards - Vice-President
Jane Fonda - Secretary of Defense
Michael Moore - Foreign Secretary
Whoopi Goldberg - Secretary of Interior Jessie Jackson & Bill Clinton - Chaplain & Moral Advisor to the White House Al Gore - Head of FBI, CIA & Homeland Security Tom Daschle - Senate Majority Leader Howard Dean - First Speech Writer & No. 1 Advisor to the White House Hillary Clinton - No. 1 Queen of Everything
Don't laugh, it could happen unless you get out there and vote!!!!!!
********************************
Thanks to La Mc -- In Conclusion...
Bubba was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey.
His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client...
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant...
Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"
Bubba was acquitted.
******************************************************
Thanks to La Mc -- An Apt title???
A local preacher joined a community-service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him.
Under his name badge they printed, "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented.
The preacher responded by saying, "I usually am called the 'Shepherd of the sheep'... but you know your people better than I do!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Ozella -- Some Funny Ones...
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk holding the beautiful package.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years.. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation"
========
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, the money is still out there in your pockets..."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Preacher," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay", said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for "Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the preacher stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
========
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Saturday, October 30, 2004
hUMOR For October 30th
********************************
The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill.
He tried three times to hit the ball and each time he missed the ball and hit the anthill. Ants went flying all over the place.
One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going to survive, we had better get on the ball."
********************************
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
********************************
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
********************************
KERRY, BUSH AND THE POPE
The Shark!
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his Popemobile when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard.
One of the men, President Bush, quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water.
Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he
told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred
between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct
contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing.....how's the bait holding up?"
******************************************************
This is funny because I am living it and thought some of you might be able to relate to it also.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
********************************
Larger Bills
I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.
Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said
looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized
bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on
the cards, announcing the change.
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some
kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his
point. The note was, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"
The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill.
He tried three times to hit the ball and each time he missed the ball and hit the anthill. Ants went flying all over the place.
One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going to survive, we had better get on the ball."
********************************
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
********************************
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
********************************
KERRY, BUSH AND THE POPE
The Shark!
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his Popemobile when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard.
One of the men, President Bush, quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water.
Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he
told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred
between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct
contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing.....how's the bait holding up?"
******************************************************
This is funny because I am living it and thought some of you might be able to relate to it also.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
********************************
Larger Bills
I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.
Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said
looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized
bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on
the cards, announcing the change.
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some
kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his
point. The note was, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"
Friday, October 29, 2004
hUMOR For October 29th
********************************
Are you BRAVE enough to take the Internet pledge!!
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
********************************
Are you BRAVE enough to take the Internet pledge!!
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
********************************
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
********************************
Principal Actions
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard
a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and
spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most
noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait
there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal
restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance
of good behavior. Now," he said," are there any questions?
One girl stood up timidly. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have our
teacher back?"
"Where is exactly is your teacher?"
"He's in the hall, sir.
********************************
A wonderful story
A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.
"No", she replied. "He's out."
"Then we cannot come in", they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in"
"We do not go into a House together," they replied.
"Why is that?" she asked.
One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."
The woman went in and told her husband what was said.
Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said.
"Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"
His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"
Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own
suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love?
Our home will then be filled with love!"
"Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."
Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"
The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"
********************************
blond joke
Football analysis by a blonde...
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game,he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming
was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!
Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"
********************************
THE YEAR 1904
The year is 1904 ..one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the US statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere
1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.
********************************
Trick or Treat
The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands a well dressed kid
in a black suit carrying a briefcase, saying "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kid who he's dressed up as for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy,
leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.
Are you BRAVE enough to take the Internet pledge!!
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
********************************
Are you BRAVE enough to take the Internet pledge!!
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
********************************
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
********************************
Principal Actions
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard
a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and
spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most
noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait
there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal
restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance
of good behavior. Now," he said," are there any questions?
One girl stood up timidly. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have our
teacher back?"
"Where is exactly is your teacher?"
"He's in the hall, sir.
********************************
A wonderful story
A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.
"No", she replied. "He's out."
"Then we cannot come in", they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in"
"We do not go into a House together," they replied.
"Why is that?" she asked.
One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."
The woman went in and told her husband what was said.
Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said.
"Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"
His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"
Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own
suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love?
Our home will then be filled with love!"
"Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."
Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"
The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"
********************************
blond joke
Football analysis by a blonde...
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game,he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming
was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!
Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"
********************************
THE YEAR 1904
The year is 1904 ..one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the US statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere
1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.
********************************
Trick or Treat
The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands a well dressed kid
in a black suit carrying a briefcase, saying "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kid who he's dressed up as for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy,
leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
hUMOR For October 28
********************************
The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy for directions to the post office.
After being told the way by the lad, the Reverend Graham thanked him, adding: "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
********************************
Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
********************************
Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted. "I can't work in the dark," he said.
The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy for directions to the post office.
After being told the way by the lad, the Reverend Graham thanked him, adding: "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
********************************
Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
********************************
Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted. "I can't work in the dark," he said.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
hUMOR For October 27th
********************************
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
********************************
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
********************************
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
********************************
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"
********************************
Football Sleep
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell
asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.
"It's twenty to seven," she called.
"In who's favor?"
********************************
Darwin's Theory of Evolution Exploded
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree,
Discussing things as they're said to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen you two, There's a certain rumor that can't be true, That man descended from our noble race; Why the very idea is itself a disgrace.
"No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies and ruined her life.
And you've never known a mother monk
To leave her babies with others to bunk
Or pass them on from one to another,
Till they scarcely know who is their mother.
"And another thing you'll never see-
A monk build a fence 'round a coconut tree And let the coconuts go to waste, Forbidding all other monks to taste; Why, if a put a fence around a coconut tree Starvation would force you to steal from me.
"There's another thing a monk won't do-
Go out at night and get on a stew;
Or use a club, or gun, or knife
To take some other poor monkey's life.
Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss,
But, brother, he didn't descend from us!"
******************************************************
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Don't Mess With Old Ladies...
******************************************************
Cowboy wisdom
A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bvlgari sunglasses and an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which h e then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it in to the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign." says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...
...Now give me back my dog.
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
********************************
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
********************************
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
********************************
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"
********************************
Football Sleep
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell
asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.
"It's twenty to seven," she called.
"In who's favor?"
********************************
Darwin's Theory of Evolution Exploded
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree,
Discussing things as they're said to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen you two, There's a certain rumor that can't be true, That man descended from our noble race; Why the very idea is itself a disgrace.
"No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies and ruined her life.
And you've never known a mother monk
To leave her babies with others to bunk
Or pass them on from one to another,
Till they scarcely know who is their mother.
"And another thing you'll never see-
A monk build a fence 'round a coconut tree And let the coconuts go to waste, Forbidding all other monks to taste; Why, if a put a fence around a coconut tree Starvation would force you to steal from me.
"There's another thing a monk won't do-
Go out at night and get on a stew;
Or use a club, or gun, or knife
To take some other poor monkey's life.
Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss,
But, brother, he didn't descend from us!"
******************************************************
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Don't Mess With Old Ladies...
******************************************************
Cowboy wisdom
A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bvlgari sunglasses and an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which h e then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it in to the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign." says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...
...Now give me back my dog.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
hUMOR For October 26th
********************************
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
********************************
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her Ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
********************************
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
********************************
Kids and Church
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Don't be too busy today... Share this hilarious message with friends and family.
********************************
High School Reunion
My wife and I were at my high school reunion.
As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and
their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds
more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a
living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy
here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the
only one who has to."
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
********************************
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her Ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
********************************
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
********************************
Kids and Church
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Don't be too busy today... Share this hilarious message with friends and family.
********************************
High School Reunion
My wife and I were at my high school reunion.
As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and
their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds
more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a
living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy
here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the
only one who has to."
Monday, October 25, 2004
hUMOR For October 25th
********************************
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; my grandfather is too.
*******************************
I don't recall where I first read this,it may have been daily Humor, but I've had a copy of it in my drafts folder for some time now. Hope you enjoy it.
Good Dog...
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new
dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the
dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after
kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found
a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog
they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his
wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded.
The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the
books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.
The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing
marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and
finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his
paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and
purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit.
The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog,
having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors
were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.
He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor
commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair,
placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to
howl.
********************************
NO CHEATING!
Don't scroll down until you choose
Which one are you?
No cheating. Pick your dessert, then look to see what psychiatrists think about you!
After taking this dessert personality test, send this e-mail on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.
If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose? (Sorry you can only pick one)
*Angel Food Cake
*Brownies
*Lemon Meringue Pie
*Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing
*Strawberry Short Cake
*Chocolate on Chocolate
*Ice Cream
*Carrot Cake
NO ... You can't change your mind once you scroll down!
So think carefully, what your choice will be!
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about you!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Angel Food Cake. . . Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times.
Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
Brownies. . . You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
Lemon Meringue Pie. . . Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.
Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing. . . Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation.
Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
Strawberry Short Cake. . . Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be overly emotional and annoying at times.
Chocolate on Chocolate. . . Sexy, always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate.
You have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside.
Not afraid to take chances.
You will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
Ice Cream. . . You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
Carrot Cake. . . You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; my grandfather is too.
*******************************
I don't recall where I first read this,it may have been daily Humor, but I've had a copy of it in my drafts folder for some time now. Hope you enjoy it.
Good Dog...
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new
dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the
dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after
kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found
a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog
they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his
wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded.
The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the
books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.
The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing
marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and
finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his
paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and
purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit.
The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog,
having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors
were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.
He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor
commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair,
placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to
howl.
********************************
NO CHEATING!
Don't scroll down until you choose
Which one are you?
No cheating. Pick your dessert, then look to see what psychiatrists think about you!
After taking this dessert personality test, send this e-mail on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.
If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose? (Sorry you can only pick one)
*Angel Food Cake
*Brownies
*Lemon Meringue Pie
*Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing
*Strawberry Short Cake
*Chocolate on Chocolate
*Ice Cream
*Carrot Cake
NO ... You can't change your mind once you scroll down!
So think carefully, what your choice will be!
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about you!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Angel Food Cake. . . Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times.
Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
Brownies. . . You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
Lemon Meringue Pie. . . Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.
Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing. . . Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation.
Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
Strawberry Short Cake. . . Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be overly emotional and annoying at times.
Chocolate on Chocolate. . . Sexy, always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate.
You have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside.
Not afraid to take chances.
You will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
Ice Cream. . . You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
Carrot Cake. . . You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
hUMOR For October 24th
********************************
911 Call
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang ...
I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang ...
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police. So don't send them.
********************************
Enter México illegally.
Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural United States thing. You would not understand, pal."
Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.
Demand classes on American culture the Mexican school system.
Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in México.
Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time.
Because it will never happen. In México or any other country in the world... Except right here. Land of the Naïve.
God Bless America---She needs it.
******************************************************
Hillbilly Etiquite
1. Never take a beer to a job interview - any job worth having will already have it stocked.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a jo b that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days, however if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to chara cters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
********************************
On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money.
"We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."
I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.
"Right here," I said breathlessly.
His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.
One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"
Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"
********************************
Honk If You Love Jesus
The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week.
"The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at the church. I then bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What followed was a truly uplifting experience ."
"I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go!... Go! Jesus Christ! Go!"
"Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love."
"There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience."
"A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed. I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection."
"I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away."
"Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience.
Honk if you love Jesus!!!"
DEO VINDICE
911 Call
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang ...
I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang ...
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police. So don't send them.
********************************
Enter México illegally.
Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural United States thing. You would not understand, pal."
Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.
Demand classes on American culture the Mexican school system.
Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in México.
Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time.
Because it will never happen. In México or any other country in the world... Except right here. Land of the Naïve.
God Bless America---She needs it.
******************************************************
Hillbilly Etiquite
1. Never take a beer to a job interview - any job worth having will already have it stocked.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a jo b that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days, however if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to chara cters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
********************************
On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money.
"We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."
I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.
"Right here," I said breathlessly.
His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.
One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"
Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"
********************************
Honk If You Love Jesus
The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week.
"The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at the church. I then bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What followed was a truly uplifting experience ."
"I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go!... Go! Jesus Christ! Go!"
"Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love."
"There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience."
"A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed. I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection."
"I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away."
"Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience.
Honk if you love Jesus!!!"
DEO VINDICE
Saturday, October 23, 2004
hUMOR For October 23rd
********************************
There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"What did she say?" asked the friend.
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
********************************
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
********************************
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do."
********************************
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do."
There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"What did she say?" asked the friend.
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
********************************
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
********************************
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do."
********************************
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do."
Friday, October 22, 2004
hUMOR For October 22nd
********************************
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties ...
The first man had married a woman from California, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Arkansas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota.
Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on our base. One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with instruments.
One of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled. There was no arriving general. We had almost played for the weather forecast.
********************************
If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly:
at 45 mph.... "God Will Take Care of Me"
at 55 mph.... "Guide me, O Great Jehovah"
at 65 mph.... "Nearer My God to Thee"
at 75 mph.... "Nearer Still Nearer"
at 85 mph.... "This World is Not My Home"
at 95 mph.... "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
at 100 mph.... "Precious Memories"
********************************
Gender of Inanimate Objects
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.
For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider
this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
********************************
Why???
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Daddy...
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get It!" she beamed. "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
******************************************************
Thanks to CRJ: Grandpa’s Wisdom On Marriage
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
******************************************************
A Prayer...
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear.
Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.
Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love. Amen
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties ...
The first man had married a woman from California, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Arkansas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota.
Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on our base. One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with instruments.
One of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled. There was no arriving general. We had almost played for the weather forecast.
********************************
If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly:
at 45 mph.... "God Will Take Care of Me"
at 55 mph.... "Guide me, O Great Jehovah"
at 65 mph.... "Nearer My God to Thee"
at 75 mph.... "Nearer Still Nearer"
at 85 mph.... "This World is Not My Home"
at 95 mph.... "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
at 100 mph.... "Precious Memories"
********************************
Gender of Inanimate Objects
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.
For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider
this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
********************************
Why???
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
******************************************************
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Daddy...
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get It!" she beamed. "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
******************************************************
Thanks to CRJ: Grandpa’s Wisdom On Marriage
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
******************************************************
A Prayer...
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear.
Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.
Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love. Amen
Thursday, October 21, 2004
hUMOR For October 21st
********************************
To all the pumpkins in my patch!!!
Never looked at it like this before..............
A woman was asked by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"
The coworker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then He cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."
This was passed on to me from another pumpkin. Now, it is your turn to pass it to a pumpkin. I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch.
******************************************************
Hail or High Water
One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana.
The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house, then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house.
It kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husban. I tole dat jackass he gonna cut the grass today come hail or high water...
POINTS TO PONDER
This is really interesting!!
If the population of the Earth was reduced to that of a small town with 100 people, it would look something like this:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 Americans (northern and southern)
8 Africans
52 women
48 men
70 coloured-skins
30 caucasians
89 heterosexuals
11 homosexuals
6 people would own 59% of the whole world wealth and all of them will be from the United States of America
80 would have bad living conditions
70 would be uneducated
50 underfed
1 would die
2 would be born
1 would have a computer
1 (only one) will have higher education
When you look at the world from this point of view, you can see there is a real need for solidarity, understanding, patience and education.
Also think about the following
This morning, if you woke up healthy, then you are happier than the 1 million people that will not survive next week.
If you never suffered a war, the loneliness of the jail cell, the agony of torture, or hunger, you are happier than 500 million people in the world.
If you can enter into a church (mosque) without fear of jail or death, you are happier then 3 million people in the world.
If there is a food in your fridge, you have shoes and clothes, you have bed and a roof, you are richer then 75% of the people in the world.
If you have bank account, money in your wallet and some coins in the money-box, you belong to the 8% of the people on the world, who are well-to-do.
If you read this you are three times blessed because:
1. somebody just thought of you.
2. you don't belong to the 200 million people that cannot read.
3. and... you have a computer!
A s somebody once said: - work as if you don't need money, - love as if you've never been hurt, - sing, as if no one can hear, - live, as if the Earth was a heaven."
If you like, send this to people you call friends.
If you don't send this, nothing will happen. But, if you send it - someone will smile.
********************************
There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!
"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."
So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."
"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"
The guy thinks for a while. Then, "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks, power windows, 10-disk changer, you know the works."
"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"
"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."
"OK, suit yourself," says the genie.
So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends. He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
********************************
Old Jacob Johnson, raging hypochondriac, was convinced that the pain on his left side was appendicitis. Mrs Johnson explained that the appendix is on the right.
"So, aha! THAT's why it hurts to much," said Jacob.
"My appendix is on the wrong side!"
********************************
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried.
"It's perfectly normal," he reassured me, "She's just having her contractions."
********************************
Pretzel Charity
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as
he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never
take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter
as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to
tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
To all the pumpkins in my patch!!!
Never looked at it like this before..............
A woman was asked by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"
The coworker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then He cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."
This was passed on to me from another pumpkin. Now, it is your turn to pass it to a pumpkin. I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch.
******************************************************
Hail or High Water
One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana.
The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house, then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house.
It kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husban. I tole dat jackass he gonna cut the grass today come hail or high water...
POINTS TO PONDER
This is really interesting!!
If the population of the Earth was reduced to that of a small town with 100 people, it would look something like this:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 Americans (northern and southern)
8 Africans
52 women
48 men
70 coloured-skins
30 caucasians
89 heterosexuals
11 homosexuals
6 people would own 59% of the whole world wealth and all of them will be from the United States of America
80 would have bad living conditions
70 would be uneducated
50 underfed
1 would die
2 would be born
1 would have a computer
1 (only one) will have higher education
When you look at the world from this point of view, you can see there is a real need for solidarity, understanding, patience and education.
Also think about the following
This morning, if you woke up healthy, then you are happier than the 1 million people that will not survive next week.
If you never suffered a war, the loneliness of the jail cell, the agony of torture, or hunger, you are happier than 500 million people in the world.
If you can enter into a church (mosque) without fear of jail or death, you are happier then 3 million people in the world.
If there is a food in your fridge, you have shoes and clothes, you have bed and a roof, you are richer then 75% of the people in the world.
If you have bank account, money in your wallet and some coins in the money-box, you belong to the 8% of the people on the world, who are well-to-do.
If you read this you are three times blessed because:
1. somebody just thought of you.
2. you don't belong to the 200 million people that cannot read.
3. and... you have a computer!
A s somebody once said: - work as if you don't need money, - love as if you've never been hurt, - sing, as if no one can hear, - live, as if the Earth was a heaven."
If you like, send this to people you call friends.
If you don't send this, nothing will happen. But, if you send it - someone will smile.
********************************
There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!
"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."
So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."
"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"
The guy thinks for a while. Then, "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks, power windows, 10-disk changer, you know the works."
"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"
"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."
"OK, suit yourself," says the genie.
So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends. He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
********************************
Old Jacob Johnson, raging hypochondriac, was convinced that the pain on his left side was appendicitis. Mrs Johnson explained that the appendix is on the right.
"So, aha! THAT's why it hurts to much," said Jacob.
"My appendix is on the wrong side!"
********************************
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried.
"It's perfectly normal," he reassured me, "She's just having her contractions."
********************************
Pretzel Charity
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as
he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never
take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter
as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to
tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
hUMOR For October 20th
********************************
The Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday.
This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word). Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
******************************************************
Gettin' Even...
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.....
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOODNESS! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They are going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt USE THE SALT! THE SALT!
The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs????"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
********************************
Man works in a hardware store, and all of a sudden one day, a whole lot of tins of paint fall on him.
Of course, he's whisked off to hospital where they manage to clean him up physically, but mentally there's some definite scarring.
It was such an unusual case that the psychologist, treating the victim, called it by a brand-new term - Post-chromatic Stress Disorder.
An original pun by list member Leonie Edge!
********************************
When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.
One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's
measurements: 36-22-36.
********************************
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. Now," he said," are there any questions?
"One girl stood up timidly. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have our teacher back?"
"Where is exactly is your teacher?" "He's in the hall, sir."
The Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday.
This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word). Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
******************************************************
Gettin' Even...
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.....
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOODNESS! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They are going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt USE THE SALT! THE SALT!
The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs????"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
********************************
Man works in a hardware store, and all of a sudden one day, a whole lot of tins of paint fall on him.
Of course, he's whisked off to hospital where they manage to clean him up physically, but mentally there's some definite scarring.
It was such an unusual case that the psychologist, treating the victim, called it by a brand-new term - Post-chromatic Stress Disorder.
An original pun by list member Leonie Edge!
********************************
When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.
One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's
measurements: 36-22-36.
********************************
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. Now," he said," are there any questions?
"One girl stood up timidly. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have our teacher back?"
"Where is exactly is your teacher?" "He's in the hall, sir."
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
hUMOR For October 19TH
********************************
Words to Live By
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors; but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today....
******************************************************
The "Gippers" Wisdom
"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."
"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
"The most terrifying words in the English language
are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."
"Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too stong."
"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."
"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me. Even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
All quotes of Presiden Ronald Reagan.
*****************************************************
(These do not apply to criminals, who will be able to get a gun in spite of gun regulations of gun abolishment. L.B.S.) a.. An armed person is a citizen. An unarmed person is a subject.
b.. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c.. Smith &Wesson: The original point and click interface.
d.. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e.. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f.. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g.. Free people do not ask permission to bear arms.
h.. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i.. Those who trade liberty for security have neither- 60,000,000 Citizens were exterminated by their own governments in the 20th century.... will the 21st be any better???
j.. The United States Constitution - 1791. All Rights Reserved.
k.. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l.. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m.. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n.. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
o.. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p.. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q.. 911 - government sponsored Dial a Prayer.
r.. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s.. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.
t.. If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.
u.. Only a government that is afraid of it's citizens tries to control them v.. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w.. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
x.. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y.. The American Revolution would never have happened with Gun Control.
z.. "...a government by the people, for the people..."
********************************
A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it.
A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would, so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.
The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"
The boy replied, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."
The Man responded, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"
"You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"
********************************
A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it.
A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would, so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.
The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"
The boy replied, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."
The Man responded, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"
"You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"
********************************
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."
********************************
Pretty Smart
The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess,
who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the
theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck-toothed and
bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered
doubtfully at her.
Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear,"
carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, "But awfully s-m-a-r-t!"
Words to Live By
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors; but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today....
******************************************************
The "Gippers" Wisdom
"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."
"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
"The most terrifying words in the English language
are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."
"Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too stong."
"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."
"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me. Even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
All quotes of Presiden Ronald Reagan.
*****************************************************
(These do not apply to criminals, who will be able to get a gun in spite of gun regulations of gun abolishment. L.B.S.) a.. An armed person is a citizen. An unarmed person is a subject.
b.. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c.. Smith &Wesson: The original point and click interface.
d.. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e.. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f.. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g.. Free people do not ask permission to bear arms.
h.. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i.. Those who trade liberty for security have neither- 60,000,000 Citizens were exterminated by their own governments in the 20th century.... will the 21st be any better???
j.. The United States Constitution - 1791. All Rights Reserved.
k.. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l.. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m.. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n.. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
o.. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p.. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q.. 911 - government sponsored Dial a Prayer.
r.. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s.. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.
t.. If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.
u.. Only a government that is afraid of it's citizens tries to control them v.. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w.. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
x.. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y.. The American Revolution would never have happened with Gun Control.
z.. "...a government by the people, for the people..."
********************************
A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it.
A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would, so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.
The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"
The boy replied, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."
The Man responded, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"
"You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"
********************************
A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it.
A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would, so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.
The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"
The boy replied, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."
The Man responded, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"
"You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"
********************************
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."
********************************
Pretty Smart
The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess,
who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the
theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck-toothed and
bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered
doubtfully at her.
Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear,"
carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, "But awfully s-m-a-r-t!"
Monday, October 18, 2004
hUMOR For October 18th
********************************
It all makes sense now
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist ...... AND .....
When you have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them.
******************************************************
FARM PUTER' TALK ! ! ! !
LOG ON: ...Makin' a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: ...Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: ...Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: ...Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ: ...Win yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: ...Whatcha git frum tryin' ti keery too much farwood.
RAM: ...That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: ...Gettin' home in the winter time.
PROMPT: ...Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: ...Whut to shut when it be cold outside.
SCREEN: ...Whut to shut when it be blak fly season.
BYTE: ...Whut dem flys do.
CHIP: ...Munchies fer watchin TV.
MICRO CHIP: ...Whut's in the munchie bag.
MODEM: ...Whatcha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: ...Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: ...Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: ...Whar ya hang the keys.
SOFTWARE: ...Dem plastic farks an' knifs.
MOUSE: ...Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAIN FRAME: ...Whut holds up the barn ruf.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: ...When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD: ...That there hippie talk fer the rat hole.
WHAT'S LOADED ON A FARMER'S COMPUTER.
- Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
- Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
- Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
- Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
- Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
- The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
- Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
- Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
- Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".
- Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
- Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
- Daisy Duke screen saver.
- Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
- Microsoft CEO "Billy- Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
- "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
- One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
- "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson" screen saver.
- Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".
- Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker- "Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me"
********************************
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
It all makes sense now
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist ...... AND .....
When you have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them.
******************************************************
FARM PUTER' TALK ! ! ! !
LOG ON: ...Makin' a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: ...Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: ...Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: ...Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ: ...Win yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: ...Whatcha git frum tryin' ti keery too much farwood.
RAM: ...That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: ...Gettin' home in the winter time.
PROMPT: ...Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: ...Whut to shut when it be cold outside.
SCREEN: ...Whut to shut when it be blak fly season.
BYTE: ...Whut dem flys do.
CHIP: ...Munchies fer watchin TV.
MICRO CHIP: ...Whut's in the munchie bag.
MODEM: ...Whatcha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: ...Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: ...Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: ...Whar ya hang the keys.
SOFTWARE: ...Dem plastic farks an' knifs.
MOUSE: ...Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAIN FRAME: ...Whut holds up the barn ruf.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: ...When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD: ...That there hippie talk fer the rat hole.
WHAT'S LOADED ON A FARMER'S COMPUTER.
- Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
- Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
- Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
- Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
- Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
- The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
- Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
- Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
- Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".
- Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
- Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
- Daisy Duke screen saver.
- Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
- Microsoft CEO "Billy- Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
- "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
- One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
- "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson" screen saver.
- Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".
- Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker- "Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me"
********************************
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
Sunday, October 17, 2004
hUMOR For October 17th
********************************
Grandma's Apron
The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven; it was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids and when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried out the hulls. In the fall the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.
REMEMBER THIS!
"Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughter's set theirs on the window sill to thaw."
******************************************************
Mow the Grass
When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments.
When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.....
Graveside Service
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent young preacher went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
******************************************************
WORKOUT FOR SENIORS
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the
following:
Monday:
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
Tuesday:
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Thursday:
Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire
Friday:
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Sunday:
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them
..... What a Workout!
********************************
*Vacation Term Translation*
In case any of you are still thinking about picking a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising lingo...
Old world charm =No bath
Tropical =Rainy
Majestic setting =A long way from town
Options galore =Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway =Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms =Already occupied
Explore on your own =Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts =They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees =No extras
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Biblical Baseball
Baseball was a well-established sport even in biblical times.:Genesis 1:1 ... "In the big inning"Genesis 24: ... 15,16 "Rebekah went to the well with a pitcher"Numbers 11:32 ... "ten homers"Second Kings 25:16 ... "and the bases which Solomon had made"Psalms 19:12 ... "Who can understand his errors?"Psalms 26:1 ... "1 have trusted, therefore, I shall not slide."Jeremiah 15:7 ... "And I will fan them"Ezekiel 36:12 ... "Yea, I will cause men to walk"Luke 17:17 ... "but where are the nine?"Galatians 5:7 ... "Ye did run well"
Grandma's Apron
The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven; it was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids and when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried out the hulls. In the fall the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.
REMEMBER THIS!
"Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughter's set theirs on the window sill to thaw."
******************************************************
Mow the Grass
When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments.
When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.....
Graveside Service
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent young preacher went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
******************************************************
WORKOUT FOR SENIORS
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the
following:
Monday:
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
Tuesday:
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Thursday:
Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire
Friday:
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Sunday:
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them
..... What a Workout!
********************************
*Vacation Term Translation*
In case any of you are still thinking about picking a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising lingo...
Old world charm =No bath
Tropical =Rainy
Majestic setting =A long way from town
Options galore =Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway =Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms =Already occupied
Explore on your own =Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts =They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees =No extras
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Biblical Baseball
Baseball was a well-established sport even in biblical times.:Genesis 1:1 ... "In the big inning"Genesis 24: ... 15,16 "Rebekah went to the well with a pitcher"Numbers 11:32 ... "ten homers"Second Kings 25:16 ... "and the bases which Solomon had made"Psalms 19:12 ... "Who can understand his errors?"Psalms 26:1 ... "1 have trusted, therefore, I shall not slide."Jeremiah 15:7 ... "And I will fan them"Ezekiel 36:12 ... "Yea, I will cause men to walk"Luke 17:17 ... "but where are the nine?"Galatians 5:7 ... "Ye did run well"
Saturday, October 16, 2004
hUMOR For October 16
********************************
While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.."Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."
"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."
********************************
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie!
********************************
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
********************************
Voting Tips
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting
next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this
election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip
waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask
them to vote for you."
While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.."Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."
"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."
********************************
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie!
********************************
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
********************************
Voting Tips
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting
next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this
election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip
waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask
them to vote for you."
Friday, October 15, 2004
hUMOR For October15th
Routine Physical
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the
basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, about One-sixty-five." he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The
nurse asks, "Your height?"
"Oh, about six feet," he says.
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then
takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.
"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was
tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?"
Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors."
"Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door.
Received from CLEAN LAFFS.
********************************
Here are some fun Tongue Twisters:
Twister Shorties: (say 'em a few times)
Greek grapes.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
Unique New York. Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.
Freshly-fried flying fish.
The epitome of femininity.
Common Twisters:
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers, Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, And chuck as much as a woodchuck would If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Tongue Twister Poems:
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw.
Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
It would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter,
That would make my batter better.
"So she bought a bit of butter -
Better than her bitter butter -
And she baked it in her batter;
And the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
Bought a bit of better butter.
******************************************************
No offense to Texans, but - You Know You're from
Texas when:
You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wrangler Jeans and Cowboy Boots.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your tractor than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside.
Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads to go "mudding."
You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.
You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, so the coyotes won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.
You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Deer Season.
You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Texan and Yankee friends.
********************************
Helping a Bum
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good
today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I
gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give
away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the
basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, about One-sixty-five." he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The
nurse asks, "Your height?"
"Oh, about six feet," he says.
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then
takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.
"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was
tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?"
Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors."
"Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door.
Received from CLEAN LAFFS.
********************************
Here are some fun Tongue Twisters:
Twister Shorties: (say 'em a few times)
Greek grapes.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
Unique New York. Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.
Freshly-fried flying fish.
The epitome of femininity.
Common Twisters:
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers, Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, And chuck as much as a woodchuck would If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Tongue Twister Poems:
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw.
Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
It would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter,
That would make my batter better.
"So she bought a bit of butter -
Better than her bitter butter -
And she baked it in her batter;
And the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
Bought a bit of better butter.
******************************************************
No offense to Texans, but - You Know You're from
Texas when:
You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wrangler Jeans and Cowboy Boots.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your tractor than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside.
Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads to go "mudding."
You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.
You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, so the coyotes won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.
You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Deer Season.
You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Texan and Yankee friends.
********************************
Helping a Bum
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good
today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I
gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give
away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
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