OFFICE SUPPLIES A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand."Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?""Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button."Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Saturday, July 31, 2004
A Young Blonde
A young blonde lady had the windows in her house replaced with new double insulated energy efficient windows.
Twelve months later she gets a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she has yet to make the first payment.
The blonde replies, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves".
Twelve months later she gets a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she has yet to make the first payment.
The blonde replies, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves".
Outstanding In His Field
Outstanding In His Field
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
You Are A Bad Cook If...
You Are A Bad Cook If...
- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire
- Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
- You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
- Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.
- You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.
- You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
- You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!
- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire
- Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
- You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
- Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.
- You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.
- You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
- You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!
Southern Advice
Southern Advice
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
AND If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!"
and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. Have a good day!
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
AND If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!"
and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. Have a good day!
Friday, July 30, 2004
An Act of Kindness
An Act of Kindness
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Statistics on your health
Statistics on your health
Number of physicians in the US 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician.... 0.171 (U.S. Dept.
of Health & Human Services)
Number of gun owners in the US 80,000,000. Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner 0.0000188
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. "FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one doctor."
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a Public Health Measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.
Number of physicians in the US 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician.... 0.171 (U.S. Dept.
of Health & Human Services)
Number of gun owners in the US 80,000,000. Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner 0.0000188
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. "FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one doctor."
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a Public Health Measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.
What's Your Southern Sign?
Continued from yesterday -- What's Your Southern Sign?
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room.
You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them.
Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.
You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat strange, mating possibility.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room.
You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them.
Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.
You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat strange, mating possibility.
A father is in church
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
A man
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
Thursday, July 29, 2004
When I Retire
When I Retire There's no nursing home in my future . . . when I get old and feeble, I'mchecking into the Holiday Inn! The average cost for a nursing home is atleast $188 per day. I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.With a combined long-term-stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 pernight. That leaves $138.77 a day for:1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.Plus, Holiday Inn provides a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge,washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have freeshampoo and soap.They treat you like a customer, not a patient. Five bucks worth of tips aday will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There's a city busstop out front, and seniors ride free. To meet other nice people, call achurch bus on Sundays.For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of thenice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take yourreservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever - you can movefrom Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.Want to see Hawaii? It has Holiday Inns, too.TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? Noproblem! They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.The Inn has a night security person and daily room service.The maid checks to see if you're OK. If not, they'll call the undertaker oran ambulance.If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip and Holiday Innwill upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.And no worries about visits from family. They'll always be glad to find you,and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can usethe pool.What more can you ask for?So, when I reach the golden age, I'll face it with a grin.Just forward all my e-mail to me @holidayinn.com (in Hawaii, of course)
A Serious Note
The White House -
February, 2005One sunny day in February, 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry"The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."The man thanked him and again walked away.The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow Sir."
February, 2005One sunny day in February, 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry"The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."The man thanked him and again walked away.The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow Sir."
I live by this credo
I live by this credo: 'Have a little laugh at life and look around you forhappiness instead of sadness.' Laughter has always brought me out ofunhappy situations. Even in your darkest moment, you usually can findsomething to laugh about if you try hard enough. If I can make people laugh,then I have served my purpose for God.' --By Red Skelton
The Top 10 Reasons Why
The Top 10 Reasons Why
The Average Christian Can't Play Baseball10.
Doesn't practice all week, but expects to start on game day.9. Gets upset when every ball hit doesn't come directly to him.8. Never swings at a pitch because, "this pitcher doesn't throw
like the last pitcher. The game's just not the same since he left."7. Wants to run home before going to first base.6. Chatters in order to keep teammates from hitting the ball.5. Doesn't come to the game unless the coach personally calls
him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up.4. Won't run after the ball if it's more than three feet away. After
all, surely somebody will get it sooner or later.3. Thinks baseball cleats are for leaving neat designs on his
team mates’ backs.2. Gets upset because the phone line to the bull pen doesn't
have call waiting. If it did, he could gripe about how bad the
pitcher is doing, and yet never miss out if someone wanted to
talk about the catcher.1. Thinks the game will last so long, that the concession stand
will be closed before it's over.
The Average Christian Can't Play Baseball10.
Doesn't practice all week, but expects to start on game day.9. Gets upset when every ball hit doesn't come directly to him.8. Never swings at a pitch because, "this pitcher doesn't throw
like the last pitcher. The game's just not the same since he left."7. Wants to run home before going to first base.6. Chatters in order to keep teammates from hitting the ball.5. Doesn't come to the game unless the coach personally calls
him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up.4. Won't run after the ball if it's more than three feet away. After
all, surely somebody will get it sooner or later.3. Thinks baseball cleats are for leaving neat designs on his
team mates’ backs.2. Gets upset because the phone line to the bull pen doesn't
have call waiting. If it did, he could gripe about how bad the
pitcher is doing, and yet never miss out if someone wanted to
talk about the catcher.1. Thinks the game will last so long, that the concession stand
will be closed before it's over.
One Sunday morning
One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you." With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me.
What's for dinner?
What's for dinner?
Can't eat beef......mad cow
Can't eat chicken...... bird flu
Can't eat eggs..... possible Salmonellla
Can't eat pork.....fears that bird flu will infect piggies. Also trichinosis
Can't eat fish....... heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies....... insecticides and herbicides
Can't eat potatoes, pasta, bread, rice.......nasty carbs Hmmmmmmmm! I believe that leaves.......
Chocolate.
Can't eat beef......mad cow
Can't eat chicken...... bird flu
Can't eat eggs..... possible Salmonellla
Can't eat pork.....fears that bird flu will infect piggies. Also trichinosis
Can't eat fish....... heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies....... insecticides and herbicides
Can't eat potatoes, pasta, bread, rice.......nasty carbs Hmmmmmmmm! I believe that leaves.......
Chocolate.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Seeing Eye Dog
Seeing Eye Dog
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses! People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses! People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
Fish Story
Fish Story
A man was recently stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota. The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going to have to impound them as evidence."
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" The man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" The man asked . . .
A man was recently stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota. The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going to have to impound them as evidence."
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" The man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" The man asked . . .
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find teaching others about Christ much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to contribute the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the minimum salary, let's pay our preacher so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Preacher, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like a good old-fashioned sermon on giving!
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find teaching others about Christ much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to contribute the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the minimum salary, let's pay our preacher so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Preacher, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like a good old-fashioned sermon on giving!
IF
IF
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death ...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful....you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore... you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
(Author Unknown)
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death ...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful....you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore... you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
(Author Unknown)
Golf Ransom
Golf Ransom
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: "Bring
$50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. if you
ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 p.m.by the time he arrived at the designated
meeting spot.
A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours
late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap.
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: "Bring
$50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. if you
ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 p.m.by the time he arrived at the designated
meeting spot.
A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours
late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap.
My apologies to those whose church is like this
(My apologies to those whose church is like this)
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of a Church.
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "Dedicating Yourselves to Service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved".
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "Giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All".
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "The Sin of Gossiping." Would you believe the Choir Director selected the song: "I Love To Tell The Story"?
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight"?
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of a Church.
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "Dedicating Yourselves to Service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved".
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "Giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All".
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "The Sin of Gossiping." Would you believe the Choir Director selected the song: "I Love To Tell The Story"?
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight"?
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
Airline Reservation
A customer called our airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. My co-worker asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"
The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."
The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
Summer of 1900
Summer of 1900
What a Difference a Century Makes. In the summer of 1900... The average life expectancy in the United States was 47. Only 14% of the homes in the United States had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populated state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births in the United States took place at home. 90% of all US physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were 14 cents a dozen. Coffee cost 15 cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza; 2. TB; 3. Diarrhea; 4. Heart disease; 5.
Stroke. The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families. Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals.
They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire, into the women's drinking water. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.
According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." 18% of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were about 230 reported murders in the US annually.
What a Difference a Century Makes. In the summer of 1900... The average life expectancy in the United States was 47. Only 14% of the homes in the United States had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populated state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births in the United States took place at home. 90% of all US physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were 14 cents a dozen. Coffee cost 15 cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza; 2. TB; 3. Diarrhea; 4. Heart disease; 5.
Stroke. The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families. Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals.
They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire, into the women's drinking water. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.
According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." 18% of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were about 230 reported murders in the US annually.
A good preacher-story
A good preacher-story
Several years ago a preacher moved to Houston, Texas.
Some weeks after he arrived, he had occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change.
As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, you better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it. Then he thought, "Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount?
Anyway the bus company already gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a gift from God and keep quiet."
When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, "Here, you are. You gave me too much change." The driver with a smile, replied, "Aren't you the new preacher in town? I have been thinking lately about going to worship somewhere. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change."
When my friend stepped off the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, and held on, and said, "Heavenly Father, I almost sold your Son for a quarter."
Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read.
Several years ago a preacher moved to Houston, Texas.
Some weeks after he arrived, he had occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change.
As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, you better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it. Then he thought, "Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount?
Anyway the bus company already gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a gift from God and keep quiet."
When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, "Here, you are. You gave me too much change." The driver with a smile, replied, "Aren't you the new preacher in town? I have been thinking lately about going to worship somewhere. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change."
When my friend stepped off the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, and held on, and said, "Heavenly Father, I almost sold your Son for a quarter."
Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read.
FIRST ACCOUNT
FIRST ACCOUNT
Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested. Susie was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank". With just a slight hesitation, she put down: "Piggy."
Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested. Susie was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank". With just a slight hesitation, she put down: "Piggy."
WIDER
WIDER
Four-year-old Scott was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm. He coaxed Grandpa into letting him ride on the tractor while plowing. After several hours of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a drink.
"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?"
Grandma asked.
Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out, or putting it back, but we're making it wider."
Four-year-old Scott was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm. He coaxed Grandpa into letting him ride on the tractor while plowing. After several hours of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a drink.
"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?"
Grandma asked.
Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out, or putting it back, but we're making it wider."
Pre-Flight
Pre-Flight
I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, "We're going to be taking off in a few... Whoa, here we go!"
I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, "We're going to be taking off in a few... Whoa, here we go!"
Working people
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worntires. So I called him a piece of horse *)$#. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a darn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worntires. So I called him a piece of horse *)$#. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a darn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.
Monday, July 26, 2004
NEW FATHERS
NEW FATHERS
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived, and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said, with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while, and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence" he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he could barely reply.
"Don't tell me, another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase, over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ...
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived, and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said, with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while, and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence" he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he could barely reply.
"Don't tell me, another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase, over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ...
An old favorite:
An old favorite:
While walking along the sidewalk in front of the church building, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn.........and into the hole he gooooes."
While walking along the sidewalk in front of the church building, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn.........and into the hole he gooooes."
Remember these?
Remember these?
Are you old enough to remember these roadside messages?
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
**Burma-Shave**
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
**Burma-Shave**
BROTHER SPEEDERS
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
**Burma-Shave**
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER
**Burma-Shave**
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A
WARMER HEMISPHERE
**Burma-Shave**
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
**Burma-Shave**
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY--SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
**Burma-Shave**
PASSING CARS
WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE
MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE
OF ETERNITY
**Burma-Shave**
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
**Burma-Shave**
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
**Burma-Shave**
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
**Burma-Shave**
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
**Burma-Shave**
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
There was another that I remember:
'Round the curve
Car was whizzin'
Fault was her'n
Funeral his'n
L.B.S.
Are you old enough to remember these roadside messages?
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
**Burma-Shave**
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
**Burma-Shave**
BROTHER SPEEDERS
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
**Burma-Shave**
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER
**Burma-Shave**
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A
WARMER HEMISPHERE
**Burma-Shave**
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
**Burma-Shave**
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY--SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
**Burma-Shave**
PASSING CARS
WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE
MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE
OF ETERNITY
**Burma-Shave**
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
**Burma-Shave**
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
**Burma-Shave**
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
**Burma-Shave**
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
**Burma-Shave**
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
There was another that I remember:
'Round the curve
Car was whizzin'
Fault was her'n
Funeral his'n
L.B.S.
A Collection of hUMOR
SETTING CLOCKS
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained.
"Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said.
"All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
THE QUARTER
A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game, he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back!
Get the quarter back!"
HELPFUL BABY
It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay.
Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained.
"Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said.
"All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
THE QUARTER
A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game, he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back!
Get the quarter back!"
HELPFUL BABY
It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay.
Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.
*Answering Machine Messages*
*Answering Machine Messages*
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Sunday, July 25, 2004
During mail call
During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received several letters from home. The drill instructor was getting irritated at having to keep calling my name. "You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" he barked. "Sir, no, sir!" I shouted. "Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI. Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out, "Sir, creditors, sir!" The DI had to leave the room so we wouldn't see him laughing.
DID YOU EVER WONDER
DID YOU EVER WONDER ? ? ? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! If a sheep’s coat is made of wool, why doesn't it shrink in the rain? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A blonde
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my chin, I can splash it in my eyes
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my chin, I can splash it in my eyes
Being Civilized
Being Civilized
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that."
"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that."
"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
Saturday, July 24, 2004
What a Preacher !!!!
What a Preacher !!!!
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young preacher went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen nothing like that!"
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young preacher went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen nothing like that!"
Heaven... light
Heaven... light
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St.
Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your crummy bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St.
Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your crummy bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
Chocolate Math
This is pretty neat how it works out. This is cool chocolate math!!!!!!!
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
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1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754.... If you haven't, add 1753 ...
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are .....
YOUR AGE! ~ ( Oh YES, it IS!!!!! )
This is pretty neat how it works out. This is cool chocolate math!!!!!!!
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
>
>
>
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1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754.... If you haven't, add 1753 ...
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are .....
YOUR AGE! ~ ( Oh YES, it IS!!!!! )
Who Said Rednecks Aren't Bright
Who Said Rednecks Aren't Bright
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy!!!!
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy!!!!
Factory Supplies
Factory Supplies
At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The
conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we
had run out of aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches.
I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of
baby powder and several boxes of aspirin.
As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he
laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a kid!"
At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The
conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we
had run out of aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches.
I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of
baby powder and several boxes of aspirin.
As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he
laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a kid!"
Friday, July 23, 2004
Reality Check
Reality Check
At 3:00 a.m. the young wife shook her husband awake, telling him to check
the baby. He sat up for a full minute listening, then protested, "But I
don't hear her crying."
"I know" she replied, "And it's your turn to go see why not!"
At 3:00 a.m. the young wife shook her husband awake, telling him to check
the baby. He sat up for a full minute listening, then protested, "But I
don't hear her crying."
"I know" she replied, "And it's your turn to go see why not!"
One afternoon
One afternoon
One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep."
One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep."
Hearing God in Noisy Places
Hearing God in Noisy Places
Ever feel guilty when somebody quoted this Bible
verse: "Be still, and know that I am God"? (Psalm 46:10). I'll bet you'd like to find a quiet time today. Maybe you are even planning for it. Wonderful things can happen in times of solitude, stillness, and silence before God. But they are hard to come by -- and simply aren't available on some days or in certain life experiences.
There's precious little time for stillness when production deadlines are close. A report is due in three hours. An inspection is in progress. If you live in a big city, there are voices and horns. There is constant motion.
Shared living space has someone else's music, someone else's TV, and someone else's voice. Where are you supposed to find God in the midst of all the noise?
Then there is "noise" of a different quality altogether. Pain from illness or injury screams at you. The pressure of finding a new job or putting life together after a death takes away your tranquil sense of God. Sadness, disappointment, and loss crash over you with the roar of an angry sea.
Strange as it may seem to say, the greater need for some of us may be less for stillness than to learn how to hear God's voice smack in the middle of all the noise, chaotic activity, and disorienting trouble.
"They reeled and staggered like drunken men; they were at their wits' end. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the Lord . . ." (Psalm 107:27-31).
Do you really think ours is the first generation of humankind to feel the pressure of noise, tension, and uncertainty? Of course it isn't. And the experience of some of those people can guide us in our times of stress.
Whoever the subjects of Psalm 107, they were reeling and staggering under their load. There was no serene stillness before God for them. To the contrary, they were "at their wits' end." So right in the middle of their frenzy and distress, "they cried out to the Lord in their trouble" -- and God heard them.
If your life has more tumult than stillness, more crash than tranquillity, God has not eluded you. He beckons you to cry out to him, and he will show himself to you. Amidst the noise, you will find him with you in the middle of it all.
Ever feel guilty when somebody quoted this Bible
verse: "Be still, and know that I am God"? (Psalm 46:10). I'll bet you'd like to find a quiet time today. Maybe you are even planning for it. Wonderful things can happen in times of solitude, stillness, and silence before God. But they are hard to come by -- and simply aren't available on some days or in certain life experiences.
There's precious little time for stillness when production deadlines are close. A report is due in three hours. An inspection is in progress. If you live in a big city, there are voices and horns. There is constant motion.
Shared living space has someone else's music, someone else's TV, and someone else's voice. Where are you supposed to find God in the midst of all the noise?
Then there is "noise" of a different quality altogether. Pain from illness or injury screams at you. The pressure of finding a new job or putting life together after a death takes away your tranquil sense of God. Sadness, disappointment, and loss crash over you with the roar of an angry sea.
Strange as it may seem to say, the greater need for some of us may be less for stillness than to learn how to hear God's voice smack in the middle of all the noise, chaotic activity, and disorienting trouble.
"They reeled and staggered like drunken men; they were at their wits' end. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the Lord . . ." (Psalm 107:27-31).
Do you really think ours is the first generation of humankind to feel the pressure of noise, tension, and uncertainty? Of course it isn't. And the experience of some of those people can guide us in our times of stress.
Whoever the subjects of Psalm 107, they were reeling and staggering under their load. There was no serene stillness before God for them. To the contrary, they were "at their wits' end." So right in the middle of their frenzy and distress, "they cried out to the Lord in their trouble" -- and God heard them.
If your life has more tumult than stillness, more crash than tranquillity, God has not eluded you. He beckons you to cry out to him, and he will show himself to you. Amidst the noise, you will find him with you in the middle of it all.
Only In America
Only In America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do people heat thier tea and then put ice in it, and put sugar in the same tea that they wiil soon put lemon in...
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do people heat thier tea and then put ice in it, and put sugar in the same tea that they wiil soon put lemon in...
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Becoming a Lawyer
Becoming a Lawyer
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
Bear and the Two Travelers, The
Bear and the Two Travelers, The
Two men were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on theirpath. One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself inthe branches. The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on theground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt himall over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much ashe could. The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a deadbody. When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree,and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered inhis ear. "He gave me this advice," his companion replied. "Never travel witha friend who deserts you at the approach of danger." (Author Unknown)
Two men were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on theirpath. One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself inthe branches. The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on theground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt himall over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much ashe could. The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a deadbody. When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree,and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered inhis ear. "He gave me this advice," his companion replied. "Never travel witha friend who deserts you at the approach of danger." (Author Unknown)
How many do you remember?
How many do you remember?
1. Candy cigarettes
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
4. Coffee shops with table side juke boxes.
5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix
...(Drexel-5505)
12. Pea shooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM Records
15. Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice cube trays--with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. The Fuller Brush man
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders
28. Tinker toys
29. The Erector Set
30. The Fort Apache Play set
31. Lincoln Logs
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards...with that awful pink slab of bubble gum 34. Penny candy 35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline 36. A TIME WHEN ... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
37. Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
38. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
39. Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
40. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
41. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties".
42. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
43. A foot of snow was a dream come true.
44. Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
45. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
46. Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
47. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
48. War was a card game.
49. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
50. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
51. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!
1. Candy cigarettes
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
4. Coffee shops with table side juke boxes.
5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix
...(Drexel-5505)
12. Pea shooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM Records
15. Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice cube trays--with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. The Fuller Brush man
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders
28. Tinker toys
29. The Erector Set
30. The Fort Apache Play set
31. Lincoln Logs
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards...with that awful pink slab of bubble gum 34. Penny candy 35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline 36. A TIME WHEN ... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
37. Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
38. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
39. Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
40. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
41. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties".
42. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
43. A foot of snow was a dream come true.
44. Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
45. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
46. Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
47. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
48. War was a card game.
49. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
50. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
51. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!
Biblical Question
Biblical Question
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
Some unexpected answers
Some unexpected answers to those nagging health question from Dr. Buford Teapotts, MD.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you out!
[Disclaimer: This is a joke. GCFL.net does not know anything about health. If you have health concerns, contact a medical doctor!]
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you out!
[Disclaimer: This is a joke. GCFL.net does not know anything about health. If you have health concerns, contact a medical doctor!]
A guy in Paris
A guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Ford Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Ford Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Lawyer's Son
Lawyer's Son
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to
law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his
father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and
said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been
working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that
case for ten years!"
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to
law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his
father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and
said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been
working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that
case for ten years!"
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss." He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared... prepare yourself."
*Advertising Terms Explained* NEW - Different color from previous design. ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design. EXCLUSIVE - Imported product. UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition. FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments. ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it. IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming. FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment. HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit. FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does. REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope. DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work. BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it. MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix. MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours. SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything! HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
Class Reunion
Class Reunion
One former classmate of mine had filled out his classmates.com profile form
with this information:
Marital Status: Not Good
Wife's Name: Plaintiff
One former classmate of mine had filled out his classmates.com profile form
with this information:
Marital Status: Not Good
Wife's Name: Plaintiff
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
These are some (allegedly)
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.
=> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
=> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
=> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
=> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
=> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
=> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
=> "I am a rabid typist."
=> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
=> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
=> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
=> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
=> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
=> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
=> "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
=> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
=> "Qualifications: No education or experience."
=> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
=> Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
=> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
=> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
=> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
=> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
=> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
=> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
=> "I am a rabid typist."
=> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
=> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
=> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
=> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
=> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
=> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
=> "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
=> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
=> "Qualifications: No education or experience."
=> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
=> Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Another Train
Another Train
So, theres this girl standing on the rail road tracks jumping up and down saying, 22, 22, 22, 22, 22.....
and a blonde girl walked up and starred at her for a minute and a half. Then she got on the tracks behind the girl starts jumping up and down to the same beat as the brunette, saying 22, 22, 22, 22,..........
A train starts rapidly approaching, and the brunette gets off the tracks, but the blonde continues on jumping. The train comes and runs her over, and kills her, then the brunette gets back on the tracks and starts jumping again saying 23, 23, 23, 23...
So, theres this girl standing on the rail road tracks jumping up and down saying, 22, 22, 22, 22, 22.....
and a blonde girl walked up and starred at her for a minute and a half. Then she got on the tracks behind the girl starts jumping up and down to the same beat as the brunette, saying 22, 22, 22, 22,..........
A train starts rapidly approaching, and the brunette gets off the tracks, but the blonde continues on jumping. The train comes and runs her over, and kills her, then the brunette gets back on the tracks and starts jumping again saying 23, 23, 23, 23...
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Will Rogers
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...
neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...
neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
A small boy stunned his parents
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly.
"They have bowls of it."
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly.
"They have bowls of it."
The couple was 85 years old
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your crummy bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your crummy bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
The Computer's Swallowed Grandma
The Computer's Swallowed Grandma
The computer's swallowed Grandma Yes, honestly, it's true She pressed 'Control' and 'Enter' And disappeared from view.
It's devoured her completely The thought just makes me squirm Maybe she's caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the Recycle Bin And files of every kind I've even used the Internet But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves My searches to refine The reply from him was negative Not a thing was found 'Outline'
So, if inside your 'In Box' My Grandma you should see Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' herIn an e-mail back to me.
The computer's swallowed Grandma Yes, honestly, it's true She pressed 'Control' and 'Enter' And disappeared from view.
It's devoured her completely The thought just makes me squirm Maybe she's caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the Recycle Bin And files of every kind I've even used the Internet But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves My searches to refine The reply from him was negative Not a thing was found 'Outline'
So, if inside your 'In Box' My Grandma you should see Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' herIn an e-mail back to me.
Monday, July 19, 2004
There was a lady
There was a lady who was visiting a church one Sunday.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman yawned, "I'm glad it's done too!"
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman yawned, "I'm glad it's done too!"
MEDICAL DAFFYNITIONS
MEDICAL DAFFYNITIONS
~ Artery: The study of painting
~ Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria ~ Barium: What doctors do when their patients die ~ Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U ~ Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome ~ CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty ~ Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl ~ Coma: A punctuation mark ~ Enema: Someone who is not your friend ~ Fester: Quicker ~ Fibula: A small lie ~ Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work ~ Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates ~ Node: Was aware of ~ Outpatient: A patient who fainted ~ Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator ~ Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery ~ Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know ~ Seizure: A Roman emperor ~ Tablet: A small table ~ Terminal: Where the planes land ~ Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
~ Varicose: Nearby
~ Vein: To be conceited
~ Artery: The study of painting
~ Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria ~ Barium: What doctors do when their patients die ~ Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U ~ Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome ~ CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty ~ Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl ~ Coma: A punctuation mark ~ Enema: Someone who is not your friend ~ Fester: Quicker ~ Fibula: A small lie ~ Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work ~ Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates ~ Node: Was aware of ~ Outpatient: A patient who fainted ~ Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator ~ Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery ~ Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know ~ Seizure: A Roman emperor ~ Tablet: A small table ~ Terminal: Where the planes land ~ Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
~ Varicose: Nearby
~ Vein: To be conceited
The Panda Bear
A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots out the restaurant's windows.
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey!
Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda":
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey!
Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda":
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY: DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDERS!
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY: DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDERS!
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse
Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!
Hope to see you there!
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse
Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!
Hope to see you there!
"The Good Wife's Guide"... [continued from yesterday]
From yesterday --
An updated version of "The Good Wife's Guide"... for the Women of the 21st Century
Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time.
If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been a bad one and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
Prepare yourself. Stopping at the "Chanel" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit
card.)
Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.
Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
Some DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"
The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong. The world revolves around you.
An updated version of "The Good Wife's Guide"... for the Women of the 21st Century
Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time.
If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been a bad one and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
Prepare yourself. Stopping at the "Chanel" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit
card.)
Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.
Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
Some DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"
The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong. The world revolves around you.
THE COLON AND THE SEMICOLON
THE COLON AND THE SEMICOLON
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only the very top of the key.
When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only the very top of the key.
When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.
Big John
A very small, mousy man was hired as a bartender in the Old West. The saloon owner advised him, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for your life."
The bartender worked for six months with no problems. Then one day a cowboy rushed in shouting, "Big John's a-comin'!" In his hurry to get out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor. Before the bartender could recover, in came a giant of a man with a black, bushy beard. He rode in through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off of their hinges, knocked over tables, and slung the rattlesnake into the corner.
"Gimme a drink," he yelled as he split the bar in half with a pound of his massive fist. The bartender nervously pushed a bottle toward the man. He bit off the top of the glass bottle with his teeth, chugged the contents in one gulp and turned to leave. Realizing that the man wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked if he'd like another drink.
"Ain't got no time," the man roared. "Big John's a comin' to town."
The bartender worked for six months with no problems. Then one day a cowboy rushed in shouting, "Big John's a-comin'!" In his hurry to get out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor. Before the bartender could recover, in came a giant of a man with a black, bushy beard. He rode in through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off of their hinges, knocked over tables, and slung the rattlesnake into the corner.
"Gimme a drink," he yelled as he split the bar in half with a pound of his massive fist. The bartender nervously pushed a bottle toward the man. He bit off the top of the glass bottle with his teeth, chugged the contents in one gulp and turned to leave. Realizing that the man wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked if he'd like another drink.
"Ain't got no time," the man roared. "Big John's a comin' to town."
Sunday, July 18, 2004
An actual article from Housekeeping Monthly
An actual article from Housekeeping Monthly May 13, 1955 (They HAD to be kidding, right?)
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return.
This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.
His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.
Encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.
Tomorrow we'll look at an updated version...
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return.
This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.
His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.
Encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.
Tomorrow we'll look at an updated version...
Why Are We Here?
Why Are We Here?
So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?"
And this is what I said.
"I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt, turn two and eat sunflower seeds without using his hands.
"We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up and then find the ball in the hole.
"We're here to watch, at least once, as the pocket collapses around John Elway, and it's fourth-and-never. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded, and the pitcher begins wishing he'd gone on to med school. Or as a little hole you couldn't get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front of Jeff Gordon with a lap to go.
"We're here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt and the Converses we lettered in, on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be.
"We're here to rake on a jack-high nothin' hand and have nobody know it but us. Or get in at least one really good brawl, get a nice shiner and end up throwing an arm around the guy who gave it to us.
"We're here to shoot a six-point elk and finally get the f-stop right, or to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing and still call it a perfect morning.
"We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to make our dog bite on the same lame fake throw for the gazillionth time. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying.
"I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be the coach when Wendell, the one whose glasses always fog up, finally makes the only perfect backdoor pass all season. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't.
"We're here to see the Great One setting up behind the net, tying some poor goaltender's neck into a Windsor knot. We're here to watch the Rocket peer in for the sign, two out, bases loaded, bottom of the career.
We're here to witness Tiger's lining up the 22-foot double breaker to win and not need his autograph afterward to prove it.
"We're here to be able to do a one-and-a-half for our grandkids. Or to stand at the top of our favorite double-black on a double-blue morning and overhear those five wonderful words: 'Highway's closed. Too much snow.'
"We're here to get the Frisbee to do things that would have caused medieval clergymen to burn us at the stake.
"I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like leaving Wrigley at
4:15 on a perfect summer afternoon and walking straight into Murphy's with half of section 503. Or finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red
327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermont's backroads.
"We're here to get the triple-Dagwood sandwich made and the football kicked off at the very second your sister begins tying up the phone until Tuesday.
"None of us are going to find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, 'I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account.' We're going to say, 'That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!'
"See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven. Does that answer your question, son?"
And he said, "Not really, Dad."
And I said, "No?"
And he said, "No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?"
So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?"
And this is what I said.
"I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt, turn two and eat sunflower seeds without using his hands.
"We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up and then find the ball in the hole.
"We're here to watch, at least once, as the pocket collapses around John Elway, and it's fourth-and-never. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded, and the pitcher begins wishing he'd gone on to med school. Or as a little hole you couldn't get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front of Jeff Gordon with a lap to go.
"We're here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt and the Converses we lettered in, on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be.
"We're here to rake on a jack-high nothin' hand and have nobody know it but us. Or get in at least one really good brawl, get a nice shiner and end up throwing an arm around the guy who gave it to us.
"We're here to shoot a six-point elk and finally get the f-stop right, or to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing and still call it a perfect morning.
"We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to make our dog bite on the same lame fake throw for the gazillionth time. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying.
"I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be the coach when Wendell, the one whose glasses always fog up, finally makes the only perfect backdoor pass all season. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't.
"We're here to see the Great One setting up behind the net, tying some poor goaltender's neck into a Windsor knot. We're here to watch the Rocket peer in for the sign, two out, bases loaded, bottom of the career.
We're here to witness Tiger's lining up the 22-foot double breaker to win and not need his autograph afterward to prove it.
"We're here to be able to do a one-and-a-half for our grandkids. Or to stand at the top of our favorite double-black on a double-blue morning and overhear those five wonderful words: 'Highway's closed. Too much snow.'
"We're here to get the Frisbee to do things that would have caused medieval clergymen to burn us at the stake.
"I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like leaving Wrigley at
4:15 on a perfect summer afternoon and walking straight into Murphy's with half of section 503. Or finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red
327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermont's backroads.
"We're here to get the triple-Dagwood sandwich made and the football kicked off at the very second your sister begins tying up the phone until Tuesday.
"None of us are going to find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, 'I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account.' We're going to say, 'That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!'
"See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven. Does that answer your question, son?"
And he said, "Not really, Dad."
And I said, "No?"
And he said, "No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?"
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Dreading Old Age
Dreading Old Age
I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV?
So last week, when the President suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.
I baked a batch of cookies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day.
When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.
"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."
"Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some cookies..."
"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"
I continued, "...and just thought we'd visit a while.
But that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady."
"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house?) that she had an appointment for a tint job."
So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital . .. working in the gift shop.
.... I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China.
I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; ......
he was on his honeymoon. .
.... I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don't think I'm up to it!
(Author Unknown)
I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV?
So last week, when the President suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.
I baked a batch of cookies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day.
When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.
"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."
"Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some cookies..."
"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"
I continued, "...and just thought we'd visit a while.
But that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady."
"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house?) that she had an appointment for a tint job."
So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital . .. working in the gift shop.
.... I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China.
I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; ......
he was on his honeymoon. .
.... I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don't think I'm up to it!
(Author Unknown)
Gotta Love 'em
Gotta Love 'em
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said: "Why don't you just put it in park?"
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said: "Why don't you just put it in park?"
A Lawyer's Question
A Lawyer's Question
A lawyer's answer to the question: "How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb
Answer: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the stricture of the following
agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'Lawyer,' and the party of the second part, also known as 'Lightbulb,' do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not limited to, the following
steps:
(1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable.
(2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle),the party of the first part(Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
A lawyer's answer to the question: "How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb
Answer: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the stricture of the following
agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'Lawyer,' and the party of the second part, also known as 'Lightbulb,' do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not limited to, the following
steps:
(1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable.
(2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle),the party of the first part(Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Friday, July 16, 2004
Senior golfers
Senior golfers
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for thesport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by, "one complained."These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The
sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,"said the third seniorAfter hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest ofthe four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of thegrass!"
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for thesport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by, "one complained."These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The
sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,"said the third seniorAfter hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest ofthe four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of thegrass!"
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Southern Style
Southern Style
Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads:
WINDERS 98, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
OK . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . ..stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . .yep
No . .. . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . .. . ..over yonder
Back . . . . . . . .back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . .crank er up
Settings . . . . . .settins
Programs . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . .stuff ah done did
Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
Tiperiter . . . . . . . . . .A word processing program Colerin book . . . . . . .a graphics program cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator outhouse paper . . . . ..notepad iner-net . . . . . . . . . . .Microsoft Explorer 4.0 pichers . . .. . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads:
WINDERS 98, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
OK . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . ..stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . .yep
No . .. . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . .. . ..over yonder
Back . . . . . . . .back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . .crank er up
Settings . . . . . .settins
Programs . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . .stuff ah done did
Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
Tiperiter . . . . . . . . . .A word processing program Colerin book . . . . . . .a graphics program cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator outhouse paper . . . . ..notepad iner-net . . . . . . . . . . .Microsoft Explorer 4.0 pichers . . .. . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
Elisabeth Elliot:
Elisabeth Elliot: I think of that little girl, Fanny Crosby. Probably most of you know who Fanny Crosby was. She was a little girl back in the 1800s, who by a doctor's mistake, became blind when she was six weeks old. And when she was nine years old, she wrote this poem.
Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I cannot see. I am resolved that in this world contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and sigh because I'm blind, I cannot and I won't!
Nine years old! Imagine that! Well, I had a letter from a prisoner who was listening to my radio program when I read that letter, read Fanny Crosby's. And this is what he said.
"The Bible says that we are to choose an attitude."
He said, "Is that hypocritical? No," he said," I really believe that it is obedience to God."
And so he sort of paraphrased what Fanny Crosby had written. And he wrote:
Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I am not free.
I am resolved that in this cell contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and cry because I'm chained, I cannot and I won't!
Now, you know, you can choose an attitude, a proper attitude. It's very easy to choose a bad one. Try choosing a good one.
Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I cannot see. I am resolved that in this world contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and sigh because I'm blind, I cannot and I won't!
Nine years old! Imagine that! Well, I had a letter from a prisoner who was listening to my radio program when I read that letter, read Fanny Crosby's. And this is what he said.
"The Bible says that we are to choose an attitude."
He said, "Is that hypocritical? No," he said," I really believe that it is obedience to God."
And so he sort of paraphrased what Fanny Crosby had written. And he wrote:
Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I am not free.
I am resolved that in this cell contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and cry because I'm chained, I cannot and I won't!
Now, you know, you can choose an attitude, a proper attitude. It's very easy to choose a bad one. Try choosing a good one.
One with a good point from a friend:
One with a good point from a friend:
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
Things Not To Do While Driving
Things Not To Do While Driving
As you are aware, New York has become the first state to ban the use of handheld cell phones while driving, citing "manipulative distraction" as the cause of many accidents. Here are some other offenses that will be hitting the books in a legislature near you:
DWYAK - Driving While Yelling At Kids (When screamed at top of lungs, this acronym is indistinguishable from the word "QUIET!" yelled at the same volume.) DWCRP - Driving While Changing Radio Presets (It doesn't matter if you were listening to WCRP.)
OAMVWEILB - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Engaging In Lewd Behavior (Pronounced "wham-vee-while-bee."
Extra points and fine if done while passing a busload of Senior Citizens on their way to the casino.)
DWLTRLFARW - Driving While Listening To Rush Limbaugh For Any Reason Whatsoever (Pronounced "dwil-little-far." The final W is silent.)
DWCDTCYJD - Driving While Chasing Down That Cigarette You Just Dropped
WOWOSOAMV - While Ogling Women On Sidewalk, Operating A Motor Vehicle (Pronounced "wow-ohs-WHAM-v," the series of sounds made during this infraction.)
DWPOMOS - Driving While Putting On Makeup Or Shaving
DWEKKD - Driving While Eating Krispy Kreme Donuts (Pronounced the same as the sound you will make after having eaten one too many.)
DWEDD - (Same as above, other brand. Pronounced, "Some people think they are better anyway, and the coffee is always fresh.")
DWFOTSOTU - Driving While Figuring Out The Secret Of The Universe (Pronounced to rhyme with, "I thought so,
too.")
CYDCLTGAITIDWPOR - Crossing Yellow Double Center Line To Get Around Idiot Turning Into Driveway Without Pulling Off Road (Pronounced the same way as the small Welsh town by the same name.)
DWDTB - Driving While Digging Through Briefcase
OAMVWWCFTNKA - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Writing Code For The Next Killer App (Pronounced
$*.*/?.submit)
DWMRWLTBROOWKRT - Driving While Moving Rhythmically When Listening To Bohemian Rhapsody Or Other Well Known Rock Tune
OAMVWDAOABMW - Operating A Midsized VW Dreaming About Owning Any BMW Unfortunately, no legislature currently has plans to ban the number one problem on the road: DWS Driving While Stupid
As you are aware, New York has become the first state to ban the use of handheld cell phones while driving, citing "manipulative distraction" as the cause of many accidents. Here are some other offenses that will be hitting the books in a legislature near you:
DWYAK - Driving While Yelling At Kids (When screamed at top of lungs, this acronym is indistinguishable from the word "QUIET!" yelled at the same volume.) DWCRP - Driving While Changing Radio Presets (It doesn't matter if you were listening to WCRP.)
OAMVWEILB - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Engaging In Lewd Behavior (Pronounced "wham-vee-while-bee."
Extra points and fine if done while passing a busload of Senior Citizens on their way to the casino.)
DWLTRLFARW - Driving While Listening To Rush Limbaugh For Any Reason Whatsoever (Pronounced "dwil-little-far." The final W is silent.)
DWCDTCYJD - Driving While Chasing Down That Cigarette You Just Dropped
WOWOSOAMV - While Ogling Women On Sidewalk, Operating A Motor Vehicle (Pronounced "wow-ohs-WHAM-v," the series of sounds made during this infraction.)
DWPOMOS - Driving While Putting On Makeup Or Shaving
DWEKKD - Driving While Eating Krispy Kreme Donuts (Pronounced the same as the sound you will make after having eaten one too many.)
DWEDD - (Same as above, other brand. Pronounced, "Some people think they are better anyway, and the coffee is always fresh.")
DWFOTSOTU - Driving While Figuring Out The Secret Of The Universe (Pronounced to rhyme with, "I thought so,
too.")
CYDCLTGAITIDWPOR - Crossing Yellow Double Center Line To Get Around Idiot Turning Into Driveway Without Pulling Off Road (Pronounced the same way as the small Welsh town by the same name.)
DWDTB - Driving While Digging Through Briefcase
OAMVWWCFTNKA - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Writing Code For The Next Killer App (Pronounced
$*.*/?.submit)
DWMRWLTBROOWKRT - Driving While Moving Rhythmically When Listening To Bohemian Rhapsody Or Other Well Known Rock Tune
OAMVWDAOABMW - Operating A Midsized VW Dreaming About Owning Any BMW Unfortunately, no legislature currently has plans to ban the number one problem on the road: DWS Driving While Stupid
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
More short ones
A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
*****
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
*****
After the Christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
*****
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
*****
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
*****
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
*****
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
*****
After the Christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
*****
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
*****
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
*****
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
After a church
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
First Wedding
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Thought You Might Enjoy These
Thought You Might Enjoy These
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
A few short ones
I promised my wife a mink for her birthday -- if she would promise to keep his cage clean.
***
If you take an Chinese person, close his eyes and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
***
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
***
If you take an Chinese person, close his eyes and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
***
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
An old pastor
An old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They could only come up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
Monday, July 12, 2004
A Butterfly
A Butterfly
A man found a cocoon for a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.
Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the small opening of the cocoon are God`s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.
If God allowed us to go throughall our life without any obstacles, that would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Not only that, we could never fly.
A man found a cocoon for a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.
Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the small opening of the cocoon are God`s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.
If God allowed us to go throughall our life without any obstacles, that would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Not only that, we could never fly.
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