Humorous Saying - Author
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - unknown A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." - courtesy of Jack Shea, jshumor@exis.net A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it's not worth it. - J. Nowell A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. - unknown A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - unknown A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Sam Horn A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio (1553-1625) A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing. - unknown A flatterer never seems absurd: the flatter'd always takes his word. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) A friend in need is a pest. - Arthur Daley in the popular 1980's British sitcom, "Minder" - thanks to Rob A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. - unknown A man must serve his time in every trade except censure-critics are ready made. - Lord Byron
(1788-1824)
Happiness is merely the remission of pain. - unknown He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln, a gentle needle He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill, a gentle needle He has delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr, a gentle needle He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner about Earnest Hemingway. (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde, a gentle needle He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder, a gentle needle He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - John Bright, a gentle needle (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He is not only dull himself, but he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson, a gentle needle He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating, a gentle needle He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker, a gentle needle He that drinks beer, thinks beer. - Washington Irving
(1783-1859)
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He that would have a short Lent, let him borrow money to be repaid at Easter. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts, for support rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang, a gentle needle He who dies with the most toys is still dead. - unknown He's gone, and forgot nothing but to say farewell to his creditors. - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West, a gentle needle Housework done properly can kill you. - unknown How many observe Christ's birthday, how few his precepts. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. - unknown I can't be out of money, I still have checks left. - unknown I did not fall off the turnip truck just yesterday. - Terry Davis
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Meddlin' Preacher
Meddlin' Preacher
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER!
TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER!
TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She descended to a lower altitude and spotted a man in
a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a
ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist; "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man; "You don't know where you are or where
you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect ME to solve your problem.
You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met,
but somehow, now it's MY fault."
She descended to a lower altitude and spotted a man in
a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a
ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist; "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man; "You don't know where you are or where
you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect ME to solve your problem.
You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met,
but somehow, now it's MY fault."
God Was Busy
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten
minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he
asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."
One Nation Under God
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten
minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he
asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."
One Nation Under God
More Kid Stuff
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Funnies
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
Police
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,"
she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,"
she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Kid Stuff
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Monday, June 28, 2004
Signs you might be an Alaskan
signs you might be an alaskan
1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.
8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.
9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.
12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.
20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
21. You find -60 F a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.
25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.
26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.
28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.
1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.
8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.
9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.
12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.
20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
21. You find -60 F a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.
25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.
26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.
28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.
New Quarters Recalled
Thanks to LBS: New Quarters Recalled
Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters.
If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters.
If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Saturday, June 26, 2004
SAYINGS FOR THE INTERNET AGE
Thanks to LBS: SAYINGS FOR THE INTERNET AGE
1. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. Home is where you hang your @.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
1. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. Home is where you hang your @.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
when a Panel of Doctors
Thanks to LBS: Recently, when a Panel of Doctors at a hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened:
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
*
*
The HMOs killed it anyway!
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
*
*
The HMOs killed it anyway!
Thanks to Larry M: The Devil's Beatitudes, Ouch!
Thanks to Larry M: The Devil's Beatitudes, Ouch!
This one will make you stop and shudder! If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:
1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians -- they are my best workers.
2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked -- I can use them.
3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church -- they are my missionaries.
4. Blessed are the trouble makers -- they shall be called my children.
5. Blessed are the complainers -- I'm all ears to them.
6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes -- for they get nothing out of his sermons.
7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church -- for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.
8. Blessed are those who gossip -- for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.
9. Blessed are those who are easily offended -- for they will soon get angry and quit.
10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work -- for they are my helpers.
11. Blessed is she who professes to love God but hates her brother and sister -- for she shall be with me forever.
12. Blessed are you who, when you read this think it is about other people and not yourself -- I've got you too!
This one will make you stop and shudder! If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:
1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians -- they are my best workers.
2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked -- I can use them.
3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church -- they are my missionaries.
4. Blessed are the trouble makers -- they shall be called my children.
5. Blessed are the complainers -- I'm all ears to them.
6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes -- for they get nothing out of his sermons.
7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church -- for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.
8. Blessed are those who gossip -- for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.
9. Blessed are those who are easily offended -- for they will soon get angry and quit.
10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work -- for they are my helpers.
11. Blessed is she who professes to love God but hates her brother and sister -- for she shall be with me forever.
12. Blessed are you who, when you read this think it is about other people and not yourself -- I've got you too!
Proper Attire
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Proper Attire
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. I don't want to burst your bubble, but despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. In-line skates and a walker 13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. I don't want to burst your bubble, but despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. In-line skates and a walker 13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Friday, June 25, 2004
THE YEAR 1904
Thanks to JP: THE YEAR 1904
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1904 . one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere
1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
.. And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to all of you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ... it staggers the mind.
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1904 . one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere
1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
.. And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to all of you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ... it staggers the mind.
Can you guess which of the following
Thanks to JP: Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches sti! ck their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in
1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16.
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches sti! ck their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in
1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16.
WORLD WIDE NEWS ALERT....EMERGENCY
Thanks to AB: WORLD WIDE NEWS ALERT....EMERGENCY!
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers...
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers...
A Real Groaner
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- A Real Groaner...
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,"
said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when up came a big fat tomcat who gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,"
said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when up came a big fat tomcat who gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
College
From GCFL: College
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
Assembly Line Medicine
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Assembly Line Medicine
Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Buford:
Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
Half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, Electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
The doctor asked, Where?
Buford said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?
Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Buford:
Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
Half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, Electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
The doctor asked, Where?
Buford said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Red Skelton shared
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Red Skelton shared his humor with us for decades. He did so without four-letter words and raunchy antics. Throughout his career, he gained the respect of his fellow performers and audiences alike, and always was considered a top entertainer in his field. As we deal with our myriad day-to-day problems, a little levity is a welcome respite in today's world.
Below are Mr. Skelton's tips for a happy marriage:
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds, Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."
10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."
Below are Mr. Skelton's tips for a happy marriage:
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds, Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."
10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."
Maxine says...
Thanks to AB: Maxine says...
1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."
4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
5. Maxine on "Body Piercing" - "I'd get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head."
6. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
7. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."
8. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."
4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
5. Maxine on "Body Piercing" - "I'd get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head."
6. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
7. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."
8. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Corny, but funny!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Some favorites -- Corny, but funny!
You can't read these and stay in a bad mood
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce
The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
You can't read these and stay in a bad mood
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce
The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
FUNNY
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- FUNNY
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
20. TRIGLYCERIDES: If all else fails.
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
20. TRIGLYCERIDES: If all else fails.
Newspaper headlines in the year 2035
Thanks to LM: Newspaper headlines in the year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
North Korea still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to
$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
North Korea still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to
$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Oh Yeah, enjoy
Thanks to LBS: GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
WE MUST GET OUT!
Thanks to MB: WE MUST GET OUT!
Every day there are news reports about more deaths.
Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.
Why are we still there?
We occupied this land, which we had to take by force.
But it causes us nothing but trouble.
Why are we still there?
Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership.
Why are we still there?
Many of their people are uncivilized.
Why are we still there?
The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of.
Why are we still there?
There are more than 1000 religious sects there, which we do not understand.
Why are we still there?
Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.
Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders.
Why are we still there?
They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild - which we can't afford.
Why are we still there?
Everyday it is becoming clearer and clearer-
WE MUST PULL OUT OF -- CALIFORNIA!
Every day there are news reports about more deaths.
Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.
Why are we still there?
We occupied this land, which we had to take by force.
But it causes us nothing but trouble.
Why are we still there?
Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership.
Why are we still there?
Many of their people are uncivilized.
Why are we still there?
The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of.
Why are we still there?
There are more than 1000 religious sects there, which we do not understand.
Why are we still there?
Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.
Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders.
Why are we still there?
They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild - which we can't afford.
Why are we still there?
Everyday it is becoming clearer and clearer-
WE MUST PULL OUT OF -- CALIFORNIA!
Headphones
Headphones
A blonde walks into a barber shop wearing a set of headphones. She sits down in the chair and says I need my hair cut.
The barber starts to cut the right side then stops. He says, "You need to take off your headphones."
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber cuts the right side and goes to the left side. He starts cutting then stops. He says, "You really have to take off your headphones."
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber cuts the left side and starts on the back. He starts cutting then stops again. He says, "Now, you REALLY have to take off your headphones!"
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber starts cutting, but then stops. He leans over and grabs the blonde's headphones and pulls them off. She chokes, then falls to the ground dead.
The barber picks up the headphones and listens. *Breathe In... Breathe Out... Breathe In... Breathe Out...*
A blonde walks into a barber shop wearing a set of headphones. She sits down in the chair and says I need my hair cut.
The barber starts to cut the right side then stops. He says, "You need to take off your headphones."
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber cuts the right side and goes to the left side. He starts cutting then stops. He says, "You really have to take off your headphones."
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber cuts the left side and starts on the back. He starts cutting then stops again. He says, "Now, you REALLY have to take off your headphones!"
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber starts cutting, but then stops. He leans over and grabs the blonde's headphones and pulls them off. She chokes, then falls to the ground dead.
The barber picks up the headphones and listens. *Breathe In... Breathe Out... Breathe In... Breathe Out...*
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Monday, June 21, 2004
From the Reader's Digest:
From the Reader's Digest:
>> In Bartlett, Illinois there's a carpet-
cleaning company called "Calvin Klean".
>> In San Rafael, California there's a
coffee shop called "Shaky Grounds".
>> In Osgood, Indiana there's a pet shop
named "Fish and Chirps".
>> In Glendale, California a pawnshop does
business as "Once a Pawn a Time".
>> Things were more confusing for the "Federal Espresso" coffee
shop in Syracuse, New York. When Federal Express objected
to that name, they changed it to "Ex-Federal Espresso". But
that did not satisfy the package-delivery giant. At the end
of a three-year legal battle everyone has finally agreed upon
the name "Freedom of Espresso". Thanks a latte, FedEx!
>> In Bartlett, Illinois there's a carpet-
cleaning company called "Calvin Klean".
>> In San Rafael, California there's a
coffee shop called "Shaky Grounds".
>> In Osgood, Indiana there's a pet shop
named "Fish and Chirps".
>> In Glendale, California a pawnshop does
business as "Once a Pawn a Time".
>> Things were more confusing for the "Federal Espresso" coffee
shop in Syracuse, New York. When Federal Express objected
to that name, they changed it to "Ex-Federal Espresso". But
that did not satisfy the package-delivery giant. At the end
of a three-year legal battle everyone has finally agreed upon
the name "Freedom of Espresso". Thanks a latte, FedEx!
>> In Bartlett, Illinois there's a carpet-
cleaning company called "Calvin Klean".
>> In San Rafael, California there's a
coffee shop called "Shaky Grounds".
>> In Osgood, Indiana there's a pet shop
named "Fish and Chirps".
>> In Glendale, California a pawnshop does
business as "Once a Pawn a Time".
>> Things were more confusing for the "Federal Espresso" coffee
shop in Syracuse, New York. When Federal Express objected
to that name, they changed it to "Ex-Federal Espresso". But
that did not satisfy the package-delivery giant. At the end
of a three-year legal battle everyone has finally agreed upon
the name "Freedom of Espresso". Thanks a latte, FedEx!
>> In Bartlett, Illinois there's a carpet-
cleaning company called "Calvin Klean".
>> In San Rafael, California there's a
coffee shop called "Shaky Grounds".
>> In Osgood, Indiana there's a pet shop
named "Fish and Chirps".
>> In Glendale, California a pawnshop does
business as "Once a Pawn a Time".
>> Things were more confusing for the "Federal Espresso" coffee
shop in Syracuse, New York. When Federal Express objected
to that name, they changed it to "Ex-Federal Espresso". But
that did not satisfy the package-delivery giant. At the end
of a three-year legal battle everyone has finally agreed upon
the name "Freedom of Espresso". Thanks a latte, FedEx!
Another Train
Another Train
So, theres this girl standing on the rail road tracks jumping up and down saying, 22, 22, 22, 22, 22..... and a blonde girl walked up and starred at her for a minute and a half. Then she got on the tracks behind the girl starts jumping up and down to the same beat as the brunette, saying 22, 22, 22, 22,..........
A train starts rapidly approaching, and the brunette gets off the tracks, but the blonde continues on jumping. The train comes and runs her over, and kills her, then the brunette gets back on the tracks and starts jumping again saying 23, 23, 23, 23,
So, theres this girl standing on the rail road tracks jumping up and down saying, 22, 22, 22, 22, 22..... and a blonde girl walked up and starred at her for a minute and a half. Then she got on the tracks behind the girl starts jumping up and down to the same beat as the brunette, saying 22, 22, 22, 22,..........
A train starts rapidly approaching, and the brunette gets off the tracks, but the blonde continues on jumping. The train comes and runs her over, and kills her, then the brunette gets back on the tracks and starts jumping again saying 23, 23, 23, 23,
Sunday, June 20, 2004
AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER (degrees Fahrenheit)
AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER (degrees Fahrenheit)
+50
~ New York tenants turn on the heat
~ Minnesotans plant gardens
+40
~ Californians shiver uncontrollably
~ Minnesotans sunbathe
+35
~ Italian cars don't start
+32
~ Distilled water freezes
+30
~ You can see your breath
~ You plan a vacation in Florida
~ Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
~ Minnesotans eat ice cream
+25
~ Boston water freezes
~ Californians weep pitiably
~ Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20
~ Cleveland water freezes
~ San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
~ Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
+15
~ You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
~ Minnesotans go swimming
+10
~ Too cold to snow
~ You need jumper cables to get the car going
0
~ New York landlords turn on the heat
-5
~ You can hear your breath
~ You plan a vacation to Hawaii
-10
~ American cars don't start
~ Too cold to skate
-15
~ You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
~ Miamians cease to exist
~ Minnesotans lick flagpoles
-20
~ Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
~ People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens
-25
~ Too cold to kiss
~ You need jumper cables to get the driver going
~ Japanese cars don't start
~ Minnesota Twins head for spring training
-30
~ You plan a two-week hot bath
~ Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
-38
~ Mercury freezes
~ Too cold to think
~ Minnesotans button top button
-40
~ Californians disappear
~ Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
~ Minnesotans put on sweaters
-50
~ Congressional hot air freezes
~ Alaskans close the bathroom window
~ Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60
~ Walruses abandon Aleutians
~ Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
~ Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70
~ Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
~ Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI
-80
~ Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
~ Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90
~ Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
~ Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer
-100
~ Santa Claus abandons North Pole
~ Minnesotans pull down earflaps
-173
~ Ethyl alcohol freezes
-445
~ Superconductivity
-452
~ Helium becomes a liquid
-454
~ Hell freezes over
-456
~ Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90
-458
~ Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution
-460 (Absolute Zero)
~ All atomic motion ceases
~ Minnesotans agree as to how it's getting a "mite nippy"
+50
~ New York tenants turn on the heat
~ Minnesotans plant gardens
+40
~ Californians shiver uncontrollably
~ Minnesotans sunbathe
+35
~ Italian cars don't start
+32
~ Distilled water freezes
+30
~ You can see your breath
~ You plan a vacation in Florida
~ Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
~ Minnesotans eat ice cream
+25
~ Boston water freezes
~ Californians weep pitiably
~ Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20
~ Cleveland water freezes
~ San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
~ Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
+15
~ You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
~ Minnesotans go swimming
+10
~ Too cold to snow
~ You need jumper cables to get the car going
0
~ New York landlords turn on the heat
-5
~ You can hear your breath
~ You plan a vacation to Hawaii
-10
~ American cars don't start
~ Too cold to skate
-15
~ You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
~ Miamians cease to exist
~ Minnesotans lick flagpoles
-20
~ Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
~ People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens
-25
~ Too cold to kiss
~ You need jumper cables to get the driver going
~ Japanese cars don't start
~ Minnesota Twins head for spring training
-30
~ You plan a two-week hot bath
~ Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
-38
~ Mercury freezes
~ Too cold to think
~ Minnesotans button top button
-40
~ Californians disappear
~ Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
~ Minnesotans put on sweaters
-50
~ Congressional hot air freezes
~ Alaskans close the bathroom window
~ Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60
~ Walruses abandon Aleutians
~ Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
~ Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70
~ Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
~ Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI
-80
~ Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
~ Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90
~ Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
~ Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer
-100
~ Santa Claus abandons North Pole
~ Minnesotans pull down earflaps
-173
~ Ethyl alcohol freezes
-445
~ Superconductivity
-452
~ Helium becomes a liquid
-454
~ Hell freezes over
-456
~ Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90
-458
~ Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution
-460 (Absolute Zero)
~ All atomic motion ceases
~ Minnesotans agree as to how it's getting a "mite nippy"
A LETTER HOME
Remember old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
A LETTER HOME
Dear Grandson:
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love,
Grandma
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
A LETTER HOME
Dear Grandson:
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love,
Grandma
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
A Polar bear
A Polar bear walks into a restaurant and says to the waitress,
"I'll have a Pepsi with .........
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
ice".
The waitress says, "Why the big pause?"
Bear says, "I dunno...I was born with them!"
"I'll have a Pepsi with .........
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
ice".
The waitress says, "Why the big pause?"
Bear says, "I dunno...I was born with them!"
Saturday, June 19, 2004
The Great Poopie
The Great Poopie
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie comes out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet
paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees
and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a
stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little
pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie- The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait
is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp,
and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- Thats where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) - The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get
splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet.
Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the public restroom, and there are two people
waiting for your stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the
water.
I Just Found My Pee-Pee Poopie- The kind where a young teenage boy goes into the bathroom with the new
Victoria's Secret catalog, and comes out 10 minutes later without flushing the toilet.
The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to see all the different colors in your
poopie, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again.
The Show-And-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with you own poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends
can appreciate it too.
Half Poopie- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to bowl and half stays hanging........ (
a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare)
Suprise Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a suprise poopie as a
bonus.
Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall asleep.
He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with
those identifying bright red pressure circle on the back of your legs for all to see.
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie comes out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet
paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees
and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a
stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little
pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie- The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait
is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp,
and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- Thats where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) - The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get
splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet.
Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the public restroom, and there are two people
waiting for your stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the
water.
I Just Found My Pee-Pee Poopie- The kind where a young teenage boy goes into the bathroom with the new
Victoria's Secret catalog, and comes out 10 minutes later without flushing the toilet.
The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to see all the different colors in your
poopie, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again.
The Show-And-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with you own poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends
can appreciate it too.
Half Poopie- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to bowl and half stays hanging........ (
a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare)
Suprise Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a suprise poopie as a
bonus.
Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall asleep.
He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with
those identifying bright red pressure circle on the back of your legs for all to see.
Friday, June 18, 2004
A panda
A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots out the restaurant's windows.
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda":
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda":
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
PHOTO DROP
PHOTO DROP
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get
photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too
thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his
home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured
by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a
plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his
equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung
the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get
photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too
thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his
home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured
by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a
plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his
equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung
the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
From our "stupid criminals" file:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
With all the stories going around, you have to wonder if one of the qualifications of being a bank robber is having an IQ lower than the temperature in Minnesota in January. He actually believed the teller when she said he couldn't do it! What a dummy!
Before I get carried away, though, how many times have I been "dumb" enough to believe somebody when they told me something couldn't be done? "We tried that once before, and it just didn't work!" "You're
wasting your time!" "It'll never work!"
If we listened to everyone who told us what "can't be done", we'd never accomplish anything. How different was the attitude of Paul:
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
(Philippians 4:13)
Have a great day!
Alan Smith
White House Church of Christ
White House, Tennessee
www.TFTD-online.com
From our "stupid criminals" file:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
With all the stories going around, you have to wonder if one of the qualifications of being a bank robber is having an IQ lower than the temperature in Minnesota in January. He actually believed the teller when she said he couldn't do it! What a dummy!
Before I get carried away, though, how many times have I been "dumb" enough to believe somebody when they told me something couldn't be done? "We tried that once before, and it just didn't work!" "You're
wasting your time!" "It'll never work!"
If we listened to everyone who told us what "can't be done", we'd never accomplish anything. How different was the attitude of Paul:
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
(Philippians 4:13)
Have a great day!
Alan Smith
White House Church of Christ
White House, Tennessee
www.TFTD-online.com
Saturday, June 12, 2004
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Will Rogers
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the
following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Friday, June 11, 2004
Lil Red Riding Hood
Lil Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
I wish you
I wish you...
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection--
I wish you little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you, holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare.
I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.
Remember to Make the Time TODAY, To do something Special for a Total Stranger.
Have a TERRIFIC day
Make it a Great Day!!!
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection--
I wish you little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you, holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare.
I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.
Remember to Make the Time TODAY, To do something Special for a Total Stranger.
Have a TERRIFIC day
Make it a Great Day!!!
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Old Ladies in Tennis Shoes
Old Ladies in Tennis Shoes
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Don't Mess With Old Ladies...
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Don't Mess With Old Ladies...
The Horseman
The Horseman
It was a bitter, cold evening in northern Virginia many, many years ago. The old man's beard was glazed by winter's frost while he waited for a ride across the river. The wait seemed endless. His body became numb and stiff from the frigid north wind. He heard the faint, steady rhythm of approaching hooves galloping along the frozen path.
Anxiously, he watched as several horsemen rounded the bend. He let the first one pass by without an effort to get his attention. Then another passed by... and another. Finally, the last rider neared the spot where the old man sat like a snow statue. As this one drew near, the old man caught the rider's eye and said, "Sir, would you mind giving an old man a ride to the other side? There doesn't appear to be a passageway by foot."
Reining his horse, the rider replied, "Sure thing.
Hop aboard." Seeing the old man was unable to lift his half-frozen body from the ground, the horseman dismounted and helped the old man onto the horse. The horseman took the old man not just across the river, but to his destination, which was just a few miles away.
As they neared the tiny but cozy cottage, the horseman's curiosity caused him to inquire, "Sir, I notice that you let several other riders pass by without making an effort to secure a ride. Then I came up and you immediately asked me for a ride. I'm curious why, on such a bitter winter night, you would wait and ask the last rider. What if I had refused and left you there?"
The old man lowered himself slowly down from the horse, looked the rider straight in the eyes, and replied, "I've been around these here parts for some time. I reckon I know people pretty good."
The old-timer continued, "I looked into the eyes of the other riders and immediately saw there was no concern for my situation. It would have been useless even to ask them for a ride. But when I looked into your eyes, kindness and compassion were evident. I knew, then and there, that your gentle spirit would welcome the opportunity to give me assistance in my time of need."
Those heartwarming comments touched the horseman deeply.
"I'm most grateful for what you have said," he told the old man. "May I never get too busy in my own affairs that I fail to respond to the needs of others with kindness and compassion."
With that, Thomas Jefferson turned his horse around and made his way back to the White House.
It was a bitter, cold evening in northern Virginia many, many years ago. The old man's beard was glazed by winter's frost while he waited for a ride across the river. The wait seemed endless. His body became numb and stiff from the frigid north wind. He heard the faint, steady rhythm of approaching hooves galloping along the frozen path.
Anxiously, he watched as several horsemen rounded the bend. He let the first one pass by without an effort to get his attention. Then another passed by... and another. Finally, the last rider neared the spot where the old man sat like a snow statue. As this one drew near, the old man caught the rider's eye and said, "Sir, would you mind giving an old man a ride to the other side? There doesn't appear to be a passageway by foot."
Reining his horse, the rider replied, "Sure thing.
Hop aboard." Seeing the old man was unable to lift his half-frozen body from the ground, the horseman dismounted and helped the old man onto the horse. The horseman took the old man not just across the river, but to his destination, which was just a few miles away.
As they neared the tiny but cozy cottage, the horseman's curiosity caused him to inquire, "Sir, I notice that you let several other riders pass by without making an effort to secure a ride. Then I came up and you immediately asked me for a ride. I'm curious why, on such a bitter winter night, you would wait and ask the last rider. What if I had refused and left you there?"
The old man lowered himself slowly down from the horse, looked the rider straight in the eyes, and replied, "I've been around these here parts for some time. I reckon I know people pretty good."
The old-timer continued, "I looked into the eyes of the other riders and immediately saw there was no concern for my situation. It would have been useless even to ask them for a ride. But when I looked into your eyes, kindness and compassion were evident. I knew, then and there, that your gentle spirit would welcome the opportunity to give me assistance in my time of need."
Those heartwarming comments touched the horseman deeply.
"I'm most grateful for what you have said," he told the old man. "May I never get too busy in my own affairs that I fail to respond to the needs of others with kindness and compassion."
With that, Thomas Jefferson turned his horse around and made his way back to the White House.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Timmy
Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much, and being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days, and at the end of the week, he came home from school and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys" he protested loudly.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
"Well", Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the psalm, it says 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
"Well", Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the psalm, it says 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
In 1997, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch
In 1997, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (M-LAW) began a contest to
expose how frivolous lawsuits, and a concern about potential
frivolous lawsuits, have led to a new cultural phenomenon:
the wacky warning label.
You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup of
coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits involving
products that have received far less attention. For example,
did you know a man received $50,000 when he sued a small company
that makes basketball nets because he claimed the company was
responsible when he caught his teeth in a net while dunking a
ball? People who make products hear about these outrageous
lawsuits, and they often decide to slap common sense warnings on
their product... “just in case.”
Over the years, M-LAW has received hundreds of warning labels
from people around the world. M-LAW verifies the authenticity
of each label and selects the “Top 5” for each year.
Following is a list of some of the best labels from the first
five contests:
A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions:
“This product not intended for use as a dental drill.”
A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to
“Remove child before folding”
A prescription of sleeping pills says,
“Warning: May cause drowsiness
A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor,
Michigan actually warns:
“Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.”
A massage chair warns: "DO NOT use massage chair without
clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest
area while the rollers are moving."
A snowblower warns: "Do not use snowthrower on roof.²"
A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to
play in the dishwasher."
A CD player carries this unusual warning: “Do not use the
Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult.”
An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter cautions,
“Do not use near fire, flame or sparks”
A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use
“while sleeping or unconscious”
A container of underarm deodorant says,
“Caution: Do not spray in eyes”
A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner”
A household iron warns users:
“Never iron clothes while they are being worn”
A label with a hair dryer reads,
“Never use hair dryer while sleeping”
A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns:
“Not intended for highway use”
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard
warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place”
A Bathroom Heater says:
“This product is not to be used in bathrooms”
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users:
“May irritate eyes”
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists
says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not
cover.”
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns:
“Caution - Risk of Fire”
A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear
plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a
body cavity.
expose how frivolous lawsuits, and a concern about potential
frivolous lawsuits, have led to a new cultural phenomenon:
the wacky warning label.
You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup of
coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits involving
products that have received far less attention. For example,
did you know a man received $50,000 when he sued a small company
that makes basketball nets because he claimed the company was
responsible when he caught his teeth in a net while dunking a
ball? People who make products hear about these outrageous
lawsuits, and they often decide to slap common sense warnings on
their product... “just in case.”
Over the years, M-LAW has received hundreds of warning labels
from people around the world. M-LAW verifies the authenticity
of each label and selects the “Top 5” for each year.
Following is a list of some of the best labels from the first
five contests:
A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions:
“This product not intended for use as a dental drill.”
A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to
“Remove child before folding”
A prescription of sleeping pills says,
“Warning: May cause drowsiness
A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor,
Michigan actually warns:
“Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.”
A massage chair warns: "DO NOT use massage chair without
clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest
area while the rollers are moving."
A snowblower warns: "Do not use snowthrower on roof.²"
A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to
play in the dishwasher."
A CD player carries this unusual warning: “Do not use the
Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult.”
An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter cautions,
“Do not use near fire, flame or sparks”
A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use
“while sleeping or unconscious”
A container of underarm deodorant says,
“Caution: Do not spray in eyes”
A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner”
A household iron warns users:
“Never iron clothes while they are being worn”
A label with a hair dryer reads,
“Never use hair dryer while sleeping”
A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns:
“Not intended for highway use”
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard
warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place”
A Bathroom Heater says:
“This product is not to be used in bathrooms”
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users:
“May irritate eyes”
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists
says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not
cover.”
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns:
“Caution - Risk of Fire”
A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear
plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a
body cavity.
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
This one is for all who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this,"
and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
This one is for all who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this,"
and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Potent...
Potent...
An old man was telling his grandson the secret to a long, happy, fruitful life. "The secret," he said, "is to sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal each morning."
The grandson thought this was odd, but still he did it every morning. And the old timer was right. When the young boy died, he left behind 13 children, 23 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium!
An old man was telling his grandson the secret to a long, happy, fruitful life. "The secret," he said, "is to sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal each morning."
The grandson thought this was odd, but still he did it every morning. And the old timer was right. When the young boy died, he left behind 13 children, 23 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium!
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Mildred
Mildred, the small town church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when
she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she
saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there
would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked
away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house......................... and left it there all night..
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when
she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she
saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there
would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked
away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house......................... and left it there all night..
Southern Obituary
Southern Obituary
Only In The South!
A w oman from the deepest, most southern part of Kentucky goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'"
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says...
"In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1938 Pickup for sale.'"
Only In The South!
A w oman from the deepest, most southern part of Kentucky goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'"
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says...
"In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1938 Pickup for sale.'"
Scientific Testing...
Scientific Testing...
One day a scientist wanted to prove that, contrary to popular belief, blondes were actually smart. To prove his theory he gathered a huge convention of blondes.
He chose one lady out of the crowd and began to ask her questions.
"What is 12x11?"
"120?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The scientist asked again, "What is 6x4?"
"25?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The scientist asked a final time, "What is 2+2?"
The blonde ventured "4?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
One day a scientist wanted to prove that, contrary to popular belief, blondes were actually smart. To prove his theory he gathered a huge convention of blondes.
He chose one lady out of the crowd and began to ask her questions.
"What is 12x11?"
"120?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The scientist asked again, "What is 6x4?"
"25?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The scientist asked a final time, "What is 2+2?"
The blonde ventured "4?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
Political Humor
Political Humor
You are receiving this email today because:
(1) You are a Texan oil baron.
(2) You are a Texan baron.
(3) You are a Texan.
(4) You are a would-be scientist.
(5) If none of the above apply, you just got (un)lucky, because I'm happy to have my computer back from the shop.
Another multiple choice:
If a Texan oil baron drilled through the center of the Earth and out the other side, then jumped into the hole, what would happen to him?
a] He would travel through, gathering speed; upon reaching the other side he'd launch hundreds of feet into the air.
b] He would get enough of a boost from his Earth "fly-through" to launch into the outer solar system.
c] He would speed up, slow down, then stop just as he reached Earth's center.
d] He would speed up as he approached Earth's center, and slow down going away from it, forever oscillating between the two ends of the hole.
Answer: The correct answer is the one by the fourth letter of the alphabet.
Source: Popular Science, Copyright C February 2004, http://popsci.com
Moral of the story:
Isn't John F. Kerry the one who oscillates a lot?
Of course, the Texan oil baron strikes oil before he gets to the center of the Earth, so we're talking hypothetical situation here.
And even if he drilled such a hole, he would never jump into it if he couldn't see the bottom.
Texan oil barons always get to the bottom of things.
So some Yale U. yahoo must have made this story up.
Or an Aggie.
You are receiving this email today because:
(1) You are a Texan oil baron.
(2) You are a Texan baron.
(3) You are a Texan.
(4) You are a would-be scientist.
(5) If none of the above apply, you just got (un)lucky, because I'm happy to have my computer back from the shop.
Another multiple choice:
If a Texan oil baron drilled through the center of the Earth and out the other side, then jumped into the hole, what would happen to him?
a] He would travel through, gathering speed; upon reaching the other side he'd launch hundreds of feet into the air.
b] He would get enough of a boost from his Earth "fly-through" to launch into the outer solar system.
c] He would speed up, slow down, then stop just as he reached Earth's center.
d] He would speed up as he approached Earth's center, and slow down going away from it, forever oscillating between the two ends of the hole.
Answer: The correct answer is the one by the fourth letter of the alphabet.
Source: Popular Science, Copyright C February 2004, http://popsci.com
Moral of the story:
Isn't John F. Kerry the one who oscillates a lot?
Of course, the Texan oil baron strikes oil before he gets to the center of the Earth, so we're talking hypothetical situation here.
And even if he drilled such a hole, he would never jump into it if he couldn't see the bottom.
Texan oil barons always get to the bottom of things.
So some Yale U. yahoo must have made this story up.
Or an Aggie.
Monday, June 07, 2004
Have a Cup of Coffee on Me!
COPY & PAST THE URL BELOW INTO YOUR BROWSER FOR A CUP OF BREW ON ME.
Have a Cup of Coffee on Me!
http://www.castlemountains.net/flashmar/A_Cup_Of_Joy.swf
TURN SOUND ON
Have a Cup of Coffee on Me!
http://www.castlemountains.net/flashmar/A_Cup_Of_Joy.swf
TURN SOUND ON
A passenger in a taxi
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the
daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver
replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving
a cab...I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the
daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver
replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving
a cab...I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Sunday, June 06, 2004
Wisdom
Wisdom
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side of which came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing....I know my Master is there and that is enough."
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side of which came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing....I know my Master is there and that is enough."
Southern Obituary Only In The South!
Southern Obituary Only In The South!
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Kentucky goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'"
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says...
"In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1938 Pickup for sale.'"
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Kentucky goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'"
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says...
"In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1938 Pickup for sale.'"
Church Members
Church Members
A man had been on a deserted island for 25 years and one day he was rescued.
While climbing into the rescuers boat, a man asked him what those THREE straw huts were.
He said, "That one is my house, and that one is my church."
"Well... what is the other one?" he asked?
"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
A man had been on a deserted island for 25 years and one day he was rescued.
While climbing into the rescuers boat, a man asked him what those THREE straw huts were.
He said, "That one is my house, and that one is my church."
"Well... what is the other one?" he asked?
"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
The Blonde Bet
The Blonde Bet
A redhead walks into a sports cafe around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the table and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The redhead placed $20 dollars on the table and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the table, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair.
Here is your money."
The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
A redhead walks into a sports cafe around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the table and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The redhead placed $20 dollars on the table and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the table, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair.
Here is your money."
The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Saturday, June 05, 2004
Redhead or blond???
Redhead or blond???
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No, I'm really a blond."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No, I'm really a blond."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
After much careful research
Thanks to BC: After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
The second cousin with the tiny car: Yu Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
The second cousin with the tiny car: Yu Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
Baby name ideas, based on your occupation!
Thanks to WW: Baby name ideas, based on your occupation!
PROFESSION NAME
Lawyer's daughter Sue
Thief's son Rob
Lawyer's son Will
Doctor's son Bill
Meteorologist's daughter Haley
Steam shovel operator's son Doug
Hair stylist's son Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter Mary
Sound stage technician's son Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son Frank
Gambler's daughter Bette
Exercise guru's son Jim
Cattle thief's son Russell
Painter's son Art
Iron worker's son Rusty
TV show star's daughter Emmy
Movie star's son Oscar
Barber's son Harry
Housewife's son Dusty
Minister's daughter Faith
Day-trader's daughter Hope
Televangelist's daughter Charity
IRS agent's daughter Mony
Geneticist's son Gene
Espresso vendor's son Joe
Undertaker's son Barry
Beautician's son Curly
Gardener's son Moe
Florist's daughter Rose
Baker's daughter Cookie
Manicurist's son Hans
Athlete's son Victor
Lumberjack's son Glenn
Plumber's son John
Accountant's daughter Ira
Musician's daughter Melody
Jeweler's daughter Opal
Gastrointerologist's daughter Fanny
Politician's daughter Patsy
Butcher's daughter Patty
Bartender's daughter Brandy
Moving company exec's daughter Cari
Counterfeiter's son Bill
Museum curator's son Art
Book printer's daughter Paige
Trout fisher's daughter Brook
Kindergarten teacher's son Skip
Publisher's daughter Mag
Woodworker's daughter Peg
Tennis player's son Ace
Clothing manufacturer's daughter Polly Esther
Teacher's son Mark
Landscaper's son Phil
Singer's twin daughters Harmony & Melody
Highway patrolman's son Chase
PROFESSION NAME
Lawyer's daughter Sue
Thief's son Rob
Lawyer's son Will
Doctor's son Bill
Meteorologist's daughter Haley
Steam shovel operator's son Doug
Hair stylist's son Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter Mary
Sound stage technician's son Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son Frank
Gambler's daughter Bette
Exercise guru's son Jim
Cattle thief's son Russell
Painter's son Art
Iron worker's son Rusty
TV show star's daughter Emmy
Movie star's son Oscar
Barber's son Harry
Housewife's son Dusty
Minister's daughter Faith
Day-trader's daughter Hope
Televangelist's daughter Charity
IRS agent's daughter Mony
Geneticist's son Gene
Espresso vendor's son Joe
Undertaker's son Barry
Beautician's son Curly
Gardener's son Moe
Florist's daughter Rose
Baker's daughter Cookie
Manicurist's son Hans
Athlete's son Victor
Lumberjack's son Glenn
Plumber's son John
Accountant's daughter Ira
Musician's daughter Melody
Jeweler's daughter Opal
Gastrointerologist's daughter Fanny
Politician's daughter Patsy
Butcher's daughter Patty
Bartender's daughter Brandy
Moving company exec's daughter Cari
Counterfeiter's son Bill
Museum curator's son Art
Book printer's daughter Paige
Trout fisher's daughter Brook
Kindergarten teacher's son Skip
Publisher's daughter Mag
Woodworker's daughter Peg
Tennis player's son Ace
Clothing manufacturer's daughter Polly Esther
Teacher's son Mark
Landscaper's son Phil
Singer's twin daughters Harmony & Melody
Highway patrolman's son Chase
Friday, June 04, 2004
IF RELIGION WAS BASEBALL:
IF RELIGION WAS BASEBALL:
-Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
-Quakers won't swing.
-Unitarians can catch anything.
-Amish would walk a lot.
-Episcopalians would pass the plate.
-Evangelicals would make effective pitches.
-Fundamentalists would balk.
-Mormons would stay in left field.
-Adventists would have a seventh-inning stretch.
-Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
-Quakers won't swing.
-Unitarians can catch anything.
-Amish would walk a lot.
-Episcopalians would pass the plate.
-Evangelicals would make effective pitches.
-Fundamentalists would balk.
-Mormons would stay in left field.
-Adventists would have a seventh-inning stretch.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Student Absence Notes
Student Absence Notes
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District.
(Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33 Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is adminastrating
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was kicked in the growing.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we
thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11- 16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going
around, her father even got hot last night.
----------------------
from the guy who sent it to me later wrote:
I may have recently sent you a list of excuses for student absentees in a Mississippi school district.
I have a niece, who teaches school in the Tupelo, MS, area; and I asked her if this was her school district.
The following was her reply:
May not have been those specifically but have had some similar.......did have one mother who was supposed to come for a conference and sent me word that she couldnt come during that time because her family had voted that it was her time to watch the mailbox....(and then we wonder why the kids act the way they do)
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District.
(Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33 Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is adminastrating
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was kicked in the growing.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we
thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11- 16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going
around, her father even got hot last night.
----------------------
from the guy who sent it to me later wrote:
I may have recently sent you a list of excuses for student absentees in a Mississippi school district.
I have a niece, who teaches school in the Tupelo, MS, area; and I asked her if this was her school district.
The following was her reply:
May not have been those specifically but have had some similar.......did have one mother who was supposed to come for a conference and sent me word that she couldnt come during that time because her family had voted that it was her time to watch the mailbox....(and then we wonder why the kids act the way they do)
FLAT TARR
Thanks to LBS: FLAT TARR
There was this fellow from Georgia who had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."
In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back!
There was this fellow from Georgia who had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."
In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back!
Did God create Evil?
Thanks to LM: Did God create Evil?
This will make you think for a while.
At a certain college, there was a professor with a reputation for being tough on Christians. At the first class every semester, he asked if anyone was a Christian and proceeded to degrade them and to mock their statement of faith.
One semester, he asked the question and a young man raised his hand. The professor asked, "Did God make everything, young man?"
He replied, "Yes sir, He did!"
The professor responded, "If God made everything, then He made evil." The student didn't have a response and the professor was happy to have once again proved the Christian faith to be a myth.
Then another man raised his hand and asked, "May I ask you something, sir?"
"Yes, you may," responded the professor.
The young man stood up and said, "Sir, is there such a thing as cold?"
"Of course there is, what kind of question is that?
Haven't you ever been cold?"
The young man replied, "Actually, sir, cold doesn't exist. What we consider to be cold, is really an absence of heat. Absolute zero is when there is absolutely no heat, but cold does not really exist. We have only created that term to describe how we feel when heat is not there."
The young man continued, "Sir, is there such a thing as dark?"
Once again, the professor responded "Of course there is."
And once again, the student replied, "Actually, sir, darkness does not exist. Darkness is really only the absence of light. Darkness is only a term man developed to describe what happens when there is no light present."
Finally, the young man asked, "Sir, is there such thing as evil?"
The professor responded, "Of course. We have rapes, and murders and violence everywhere in the world, those things are evil."
The student replied, "Actually, sir, evil does not exist. Evil is simply the absence of God. Evil is a term man developed to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. It isn't like truth, or love, which exist as virtues like heat or light. Evil is simply the state where God is not present, like cold without heat or darkness without light."
The professor had nothing to say...
This will make you think for a while.
At a certain college, there was a professor with a reputation for being tough on Christians. At the first class every semester, he asked if anyone was a Christian and proceeded to degrade them and to mock their statement of faith.
One semester, he asked the question and a young man raised his hand. The professor asked, "Did God make everything, young man?"
He replied, "Yes sir, He did!"
The professor responded, "If God made everything, then He made evil." The student didn't have a response and the professor was happy to have once again proved the Christian faith to be a myth.
Then another man raised his hand and asked, "May I ask you something, sir?"
"Yes, you may," responded the professor.
The young man stood up and said, "Sir, is there such a thing as cold?"
"Of course there is, what kind of question is that?
Haven't you ever been cold?"
The young man replied, "Actually, sir, cold doesn't exist. What we consider to be cold, is really an absence of heat. Absolute zero is when there is absolutely no heat, but cold does not really exist. We have only created that term to describe how we feel when heat is not there."
The young man continued, "Sir, is there such a thing as dark?"
Once again, the professor responded "Of course there is."
And once again, the student replied, "Actually, sir, darkness does not exist. Darkness is really only the absence of light. Darkness is only a term man developed to describe what happens when there is no light present."
Finally, the young man asked, "Sir, is there such thing as evil?"
The professor responded, "Of course. We have rapes, and murders and violence everywhere in the world, those things are evil."
The student replied, "Actually, sir, evil does not exist. Evil is simply the absence of God. Evil is a term man developed to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. It isn't like truth, or love, which exist as virtues like heat or light. Evil is simply the state where God is not present, like cold without heat or darkness without light."
The professor had nothing to say...
GOD'S TOP FORTY
Thanks to BC -- GOD'S TOP FORTY
1. God grades on the cross, not the curve.
2. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on in for a faith lift.
3. Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
4. God doesn't want shares of your life - He wants controlling interest.
5. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
6. A family altar can alter a family.
7. We don't change the message - the message changes us.
8. This Church is 'Prayer' conditioned!
10. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!
11. Plan ahead - it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark!
12. Most people want to serve God - but only in an advisory capacity.
13. Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!
14. Exercise daily - walk with the Lord!
15. Read the Bible - It Will Scare The Hell Out Of You!
16. The perfect Church - for those who aren't!
17. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous!
18. Remember the banana - when it left the bunch it got skinned...
19. Wisdom has two parts: 1- Having a lot to say 2- Not saying it.
20. Hem up with prayer and it you'll be less apt to unravel at the edges.
21. Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive!
22. Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does!
23. A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.
24. Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
25. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
26. He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
27. A fellow who says it can't be done is likely to see someone doing it.
28. Kindness is difficult to give away 'cause it keeps coming back.
29. He who angers you controls you!
30. Worry is the darkroom in which 'negatives' are developed.
31. Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.
32. For all you do, His blood's for you!
33. Forbidden fruits create many jams.
35. Deciding not to choose is still making a choice.
37. If God is your copilot - Swap seats!
38. Give God what's right, not what's left!
39. 'Pray' is a four-letter word that you can say anywhere.
40. If you got enough Jesus to live, that's enough to die with.
1. God grades on the cross, not the curve.
2. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on in for a faith lift.
3. Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
4. God doesn't want shares of your life - He wants controlling interest.
5. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
6. A family altar can alter a family.
7. We don't change the message - the message changes us.
8. This Church is 'Prayer' conditioned!
10. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!
11. Plan ahead - it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark!
12. Most people want to serve God - but only in an advisory capacity.
13. Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!
14. Exercise daily - walk with the Lord!
15. Read the Bible - It Will Scare The Hell Out Of You!
16. The perfect Church - for those who aren't!
17. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous!
18. Remember the banana - when it left the bunch it got skinned...
19. Wisdom has two parts: 1- Having a lot to say 2- Not saying it.
20. Hem up with prayer and it you'll be less apt to unravel at the edges.
21. Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive!
22. Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does!
23. A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.
24. Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
25. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
26. He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
27. A fellow who says it can't be done is likely to see someone doing it.
28. Kindness is difficult to give away 'cause it keeps coming back.
29. He who angers you controls you!
30. Worry is the darkroom in which 'negatives' are developed.
31. Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.
32. For all you do, His blood's for you!
33. Forbidden fruits create many jams.
35. Deciding not to choose is still making a choice.
37. If God is your copilot - Swap seats!
38. Give God what's right, not what's left!
39. 'Pray' is a four-letter word that you can say anywhere.
40. If you got enough Jesus to live, that's enough to die with.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Marriage!
PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING hOMEROUSLY, it does not extress my ture feelings and I hope not yours.
Marriage!
* Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
* Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
* Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
* The three rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
* Married life is full of excitement and frustration.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbor listens.
* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
* There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later, he muttered something in his sleep and founds himself divorced.
* A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
* Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
* Son: Is it true Dad? I he heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her.Father: That happens everywhere, son. Everywhere!
* Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
* They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
* When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
* There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.They got married, and now he is going through HELL
* When a man steals your wife, there i s no better revenge than to let him keep her.
* Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
* After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
* Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
* Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
* I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
* It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
* Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
* A man was complaining to a friend: I had it all:
money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman, then pow! It was all gone. What happened, asked his friend. He says, my wife found out.
* Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
* At a cocktail party, one woman said to another:
Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.
* Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
* It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
* A man inserted an advertisement in the paper : "Wife wanted." The next day, he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing, "You can have mine."
* When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing either the car is new or the wife is.
* A wife is good only until the marriage lasts. No wife is forever.
* We're happily married, said Albert Bildner. I'm married and my wife Lyn is happy!
Marriage!
* Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
* Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
* Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
* The three rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
* Married life is full of excitement and frustration.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbor listens.
* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
* There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later, he muttered something in his sleep and founds himself divorced.
* A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
* Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
* Son: Is it true Dad? I he heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her.Father: That happens everywhere, son. Everywhere!
* Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
* They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
* When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
* There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.They got married, and now he is going through HELL
* When a man steals your wife, there i s no better revenge than to let him keep her.
* Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
* After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
* Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
* Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
* I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
* It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
* Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
* A man was complaining to a friend: I had it all:
money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman, then pow! It was all gone. What happened, asked his friend. He says, my wife found out.
* Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
* At a cocktail party, one woman said to another:
Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.
* Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
* It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
* A man inserted an advertisement in the paper : "Wife wanted." The next day, he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing, "You can have mine."
* When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing either the car is new or the wife is.
* A wife is good only until the marriage lasts. No wife is forever.
* We're happily married, said Albert Bildner. I'm married and my wife Lyn is happy!
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Signs
SIGNS!!!!!!
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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