********************************
You Know You Have A Bad Computer When . . .
10. The lower corner of screen has the words "etch a sketch" on it.
9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of cigarettes.
8. You have to pedal it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: "good luck!"
6. The only chip inside is a dorito.
5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.
4. You catch a virus from it.
3. Screen frequently freezes and message comes up: "Ain't it break time, Chester?"
2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.
1. It cyber-snickers at you.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A pregnant woman from San Francisco got in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A boy and a girl. When your brother heard about the accident, he came to San Francisco, since he was the closest relative we had him name them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
********************************
Shoplifter
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act.
He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."
Friday, December 31, 2004
Thursday, December 30, 2004
hUMOR For December 30th
********************************
There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.
The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on?I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."
********************************
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
********************************
Concentrating
I was talking to my preacher I noticed he had cut himself shaving.
I asked him about it. He said he was concentrating on his sermon and nicked his chin.
I told him next time to concentrate on what he was doing and cut his sermon.
********************************
From the Mouth of a 6-year-old
My mother teaches first grade in a small town. One day, she took all her students down the hall to the restroom at once so as not to be disturbed every 5 minutes for a bathroom break. As first-graders tend to dawdle, she urged them to "hurry up and take care of business" so they could get back to the classroom.
One young man looked up at her and, in all seriousness said, "Teacher, I don't have any unfinished business."
There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.
The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on?I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."
********************************
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
********************************
Concentrating
I was talking to my preacher I noticed he had cut himself shaving.
I asked him about it. He said he was concentrating on his sermon and nicked his chin.
I told him next time to concentrate on what he was doing and cut his sermon.
********************************
From the Mouth of a 6-year-old
My mother teaches first grade in a small town. One day, she took all her students down the hall to the restroom at once so as not to be disturbed every 5 minutes for a bathroom break. As first-graders tend to dawdle, she urged them to "hurry up and take care of business" so they could get back to the classroom.
One young man looked up at her and, in all seriousness said, "Teacher, I don't have any unfinished business."
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
hUMOR For December 29th
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holderon the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"
********************************
Can't Wait
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at
our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook."
********************************
A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. He went and told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar and told Mr. Thompson to taste it.
He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. hompson," said the doctor.
So Mr. Thompson went home very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson went back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"
Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47..."
Immediately Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!
Here is today's CleanPun.
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holderon the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"
********************************
Can't Wait
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at
our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook."
********************************
A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. He went and told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar and told Mr. Thompson to taste it.
He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. hompson," said the doctor.
So Mr. Thompson went home very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson went back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"
Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47..."
Immediately Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
hUMOR For December 28th
********************************
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."
********************************
No I.D.
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.
She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."
********************************
No I.D.
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.
She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
Monday, December 27, 2004
hUMOR For December 27th
********************************
Beware of Companies With These Hiring Slogans:
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some each night and some each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.
********************************
Beware of Companies With These Hiring Slogans:
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some each night and some each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.
********************************
Can't Wait
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at
our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook."
Beware of Companies With These Hiring Slogans:
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some each night and some each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.
********************************
Beware of Companies With These Hiring Slogans:
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some each night and some each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.
********************************
Can't Wait
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at
our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook."
Sunday, December 26, 2004
hUMOR For December 26th
********************************
Ten Dresses
My mom got mad at my dad the other day so she went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.
"Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??"
My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
********************************
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Ten Dresses
My mom got mad at my dad the other day so she went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.
"Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??"
My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
********************************
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Saturday, December 25, 2004
hUMOR For December 25th
********************************
Automotive Gift Suggestions - Just in Time for Last Minute Christmas Shopping
If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these gift suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25 2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!) From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order. $14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per square ft.
********************************
Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
------------------------------------------------------------------
For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill. It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!
Automotive Gift Suggestions - Just in Time for Last Minute Christmas Shopping
If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these gift suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25 2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!) From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order. $14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per square ft.
********************************
Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
------------------------------------------------------------------
For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.
The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill. It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!
Friday, December 24, 2004
hUMOR For December 24th
********************************
Letter From Mom
When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter she had written:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
********************************
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
********************************
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
********************************
DATE: December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ..feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas.
>From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Pat Lewis, Human Researchers Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.
Happy now?
Pat Lewis, Human Racehorses Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patricia Lewis, Human Rat Races
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now.....
Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The Witch
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
********************************
Memo from Santa===============I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will nolonger serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North andSouth Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas onChristmas Eve.Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract wasrenegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of thenew and better contract, I also getlonger breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with yourlocal replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,Bubba Claus.His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal ofdelivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a fewdifferences between us.Differences such as:1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents fromBubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker thatreads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave anRC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn'tsmoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit canhandy.3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs insteadof reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer onetime, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when BubbaClaus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliottand Petty."5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also arelikely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have aYosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34thStreet" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in yournegotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg SavesChristmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as BubbaClaus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.And Finally,8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sureyou, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to putpresents under the tree.Sincerely Yours,Santa Claus
Letter From Mom
When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter she had written:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
********************************
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
********************************
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
********************************
DATE: December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ..feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas.
>From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Pat Lewis, Human Researchers Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.
Happy now?
Pat Lewis, Human Racehorses Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patricia Lewis, Human Rat Races
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now.....
Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The Witch
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
********************************
Memo from Santa===============I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will nolonger serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North andSouth Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas onChristmas Eve.Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract wasrenegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of thenew and better contract, I also getlonger breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with yourlocal replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,Bubba Claus.His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal ofdelivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a fewdifferences between us.Differences such as:1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents fromBubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker thatreads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave anRC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn'tsmoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit canhandy.3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs insteadof reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer onetime, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when BubbaClaus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliottand Petty."5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also arelikely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have aYosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34thStreet" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in yournegotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg SavesChristmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as BubbaClaus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.And Finally,8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sureyou, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to putpresents under the tree.Sincerely Yours,Santa Claus
Thursday, December 23, 2004
hUMOR For December 23rd
********************************
I can't say that this was my most memorable Christmas, but it certainly is one that I won't soon forget.
My wife and I had just graduated from Bible College that year (1989) and were living in Toronto. We were hoping to observe Christmas Eve according to my side of the family's tradition. On Christmas Eve the Davis family would settle in at home and enjoy a nice spread of cold cuts, cheeses, and snack foods while enjoying each other's company, Christmas music, and the general ambiance of our decorated tree and lights. For Christmas Day we were planning to drive the hour and half north to my parent's home for Christmas dinner.
We were aware of a couple of individuals at the church, where I was the youth pastor, who would be alone on Christmas Eve. One of them was our neighbour next to the 6-plex in which we lived. Joe was a single American, in his forties, and living alone. The other individual was Stephen.Stephen was very new to Canada. A political refugee, he had just escaped Ghana, Africa, with his life and had no family in North America. Both Joe and Stephen accepted our invitation.
When it came time to gather together, Joe of course walked to our building to join us while I drove to pick up Stephen and bring him to our apartment.As I went to pick him up I was beginning to feel a bit of a cold coming on, but figured I could fight it off if I just kept warm. It wasn't long before we were all together back at our apartment that we began to converse. It wasn't much later when Joe and Stephen began to argue about American foreign policy in Africa. Although I kept trying to change the subject to something a bit more festive, they kept returning to their argument - each pressing his own case more firmly and loudly. Eventually, I retreated within myself waiting for the chance to call it a night, take Stephen home, and go to bed as my cold was beginning to gain a foothold in my body.
Eventually, my wife and I had endured our guest's arguing long enough that it didn't seem rude when we thanked them for coming and wrapped up our time together. Joe walked home and I drove Stephen to his place - stopping at a gas station along the way to fill the slowly leaking right rear tire on my car. After returning home and parking the car, I glanced back and noticed my tire was now entirely flat thanks to ice that had gotten into the tire valve stem when refilling it. Returning to our apartment I told my wife I would be in the parking lot out back changing the tire on the car. Noticing that I now had a headache and was running a low-grade fever, I put on some extra layers of clothing to try to survive the automotive ordeal that awaited.
Once outside in the bitterly cold Christmas Eve night, I wrestled with the stupid, tiny jack that came with our car in order to get the stupid, flat tire off our car so I could put the stupid, little, tiny spare tire that came with our car on our car to hold that corner barely off the ground. At some point during all of that, and as my body temperature began to grow along with what was now flu like symptoms, my wife appeared at the back door of our building.
She informed me that my mother had called and that a family member, who was expected for Christmas dinner the next day, had had too much to drink the day before. As it turned out, after he was removed from directing traffic in the downtown of my hometown, he promptly emptied the contents of his stomach and in the process of cleaning up, flushed his brand new dentures down the toilet. Mom's request was that I look in our storage area for my grandfather's teeth, which were with some other things in a box from the funeral home that had buried him. The plan was that we would loan the teeth to this relative so they could chew Christmas dinner with us. At this point my wife, two months pregnant and with a very queasy stomach, added her own input and stated that if I did find Grandpa's teeth, and loan them out, that she herself might not be able to eat Christmas dinner.
After finishing changing the tire, and taking the flat indoors, so the ice in the valve stem could melt, the tire be re-inflated and changed again on Christmas morning, I spent the rest of Christmas Eve in the dingy basement of our building, with my head pounding, my body reeling from a fever, while I rifled and shuffled through boxes looking for Grandpa's teeth - which I never did find to the relief of my wife.
None of those events have anything to do with what makes Christmas truly memorable for me, but just the same, I'll not soon forget Christmas 1989.
********************************
There were two goobers who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,
"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
********************************
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
I can't say that this was my most memorable Christmas, but it certainly is one that I won't soon forget.
My wife and I had just graduated from Bible College that year (1989) and were living in Toronto. We were hoping to observe Christmas Eve according to my side of the family's tradition. On Christmas Eve the Davis family would settle in at home and enjoy a nice spread of cold cuts, cheeses, and snack foods while enjoying each other's company, Christmas music, and the general ambiance of our decorated tree and lights. For Christmas Day we were planning to drive the hour and half north to my parent's home for Christmas dinner.
We were aware of a couple of individuals at the church, where I was the youth pastor, who would be alone on Christmas Eve. One of them was our neighbour next to the 6-plex in which we lived. Joe was a single American, in his forties, and living alone. The other individual was Stephen.Stephen was very new to Canada. A political refugee, he had just escaped Ghana, Africa, with his life and had no family in North America. Both Joe and Stephen accepted our invitation.
When it came time to gather together, Joe of course walked to our building to join us while I drove to pick up Stephen and bring him to our apartment.As I went to pick him up I was beginning to feel a bit of a cold coming on, but figured I could fight it off if I just kept warm. It wasn't long before we were all together back at our apartment that we began to converse. It wasn't much later when Joe and Stephen began to argue about American foreign policy in Africa. Although I kept trying to change the subject to something a bit more festive, they kept returning to their argument - each pressing his own case more firmly and loudly. Eventually, I retreated within myself waiting for the chance to call it a night, take Stephen home, and go to bed as my cold was beginning to gain a foothold in my body.
Eventually, my wife and I had endured our guest's arguing long enough that it didn't seem rude when we thanked them for coming and wrapped up our time together. Joe walked home and I drove Stephen to his place - stopping at a gas station along the way to fill the slowly leaking right rear tire on my car. After returning home and parking the car, I glanced back and noticed my tire was now entirely flat thanks to ice that had gotten into the tire valve stem when refilling it. Returning to our apartment I told my wife I would be in the parking lot out back changing the tire on the car. Noticing that I now had a headache and was running a low-grade fever, I put on some extra layers of clothing to try to survive the automotive ordeal that awaited.
Once outside in the bitterly cold Christmas Eve night, I wrestled with the stupid, tiny jack that came with our car in order to get the stupid, flat tire off our car so I could put the stupid, little, tiny spare tire that came with our car on our car to hold that corner barely off the ground. At some point during all of that, and as my body temperature began to grow along with what was now flu like symptoms, my wife appeared at the back door of our building.
She informed me that my mother had called and that a family member, who was expected for Christmas dinner the next day, had had too much to drink the day before. As it turned out, after he was removed from directing traffic in the downtown of my hometown, he promptly emptied the contents of his stomach and in the process of cleaning up, flushed his brand new dentures down the toilet. Mom's request was that I look in our storage area for my grandfather's teeth, which were with some other things in a box from the funeral home that had buried him. The plan was that we would loan the teeth to this relative so they could chew Christmas dinner with us. At this point my wife, two months pregnant and with a very queasy stomach, added her own input and stated that if I did find Grandpa's teeth, and loan them out, that she herself might not be able to eat Christmas dinner.
After finishing changing the tire, and taking the flat indoors, so the ice in the valve stem could melt, the tire be re-inflated and changed again on Christmas morning, I spent the rest of Christmas Eve in the dingy basement of our building, with my head pounding, my body reeling from a fever, while I rifled and shuffled through boxes looking for Grandpa's teeth - which I never did find to the relief of my wife.
None of those events have anything to do with what makes Christmas truly memorable for me, but just the same, I'll not soon forget Christmas 1989.
********************************
There were two goobers who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,
"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
********************************
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
hUMOR For December 22nd
********************************
Politically Correct Holiday Greetings
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all;"
PLUS
"a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wisher."
(Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)
********************************
A minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans for her recently deceased husband. His wife asked him what was wrong, and he revealed that the wife had asked him to sing her husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral.
He was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion. He struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the grieving widow's wishes.
At the funeral, still sensitive about how some of the mourners might react to hearing "Jingle Bells" at a funeral, he carefully introduced the song with words about appreciating the sense of humor and lightheartedness of the deceased.
The widow had been very tearful during the service. Hearing the introduction to her late husband's "favorite song" she sat up and began to appear quite interested. As the preacher began the song, the widow began to smile, and her tears dried up.
She was actually giggling as he concluded, and he felt glad he'd decided to honor her request since it obviously had been so comforting.
After the service she thanked the pastor for sharing his music ministry, and with a big grin she added, "By the way, the favorite song I requested was 'When They Ring Those Golden Bells!'"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
It was the night before Christmas when Santa Claus' sleigh team became one member short because of a sudden illness.
When an inflatable plastic reindeer was used to fill the void in the team, so no one would take notice the missing animal, Regis Chief of Elves, asked Santa,
"Is that your vinyl Prancer?"
********************************
Searching through row upon row of Christmas trees, my husband Norm and I picked one we liked. Then I noticed the one being held by a woman nearby "the" perfect tree. I watched as she carried it around the lot and couldn't believe my eyes when she set it aside.
I ditched ours and ran over to grab the coveted tree.
"Aren't we lucky?" I said to Norm. "I do feel a little guilty, though, for taking it before she could change her mind."
"Don't worry," he replied. "She just ran over and snatched ours."
********************************
Buying a Hat
My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy a new hat. My wife took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't have enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed," she said. So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference. Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15. After he left, I paid the other $45 of the price. Later Grandpa said, "What a bargain! The last one I bought there cost me $60.
Politically Correct Holiday Greetings
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all;"
PLUS
"a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wisher."
(Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)
********************************
A minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans for her recently deceased husband. His wife asked him what was wrong, and he revealed that the wife had asked him to sing her husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral.
He was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion. He struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the grieving widow's wishes.
At the funeral, still sensitive about how some of the mourners might react to hearing "Jingle Bells" at a funeral, he carefully introduced the song with words about appreciating the sense of humor and lightheartedness of the deceased.
The widow had been very tearful during the service. Hearing the introduction to her late husband's "favorite song" she sat up and began to appear quite interested. As the preacher began the song, the widow began to smile, and her tears dried up.
She was actually giggling as he concluded, and he felt glad he'd decided to honor her request since it obviously had been so comforting.
After the service she thanked the pastor for sharing his music ministry, and with a big grin she added, "By the way, the favorite song I requested was 'When They Ring Those Golden Bells!'"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
It was the night before Christmas when Santa Claus' sleigh team became one member short because of a sudden illness.
When an inflatable plastic reindeer was used to fill the void in the team, so no one would take notice the missing animal, Regis Chief of Elves, asked Santa,
"Is that your vinyl Prancer?"
********************************
Searching through row upon row of Christmas trees, my husband Norm and I picked one we liked. Then I noticed the one being held by a woman nearby "the" perfect tree. I watched as she carried it around the lot and couldn't believe my eyes when she set it aside.
I ditched ours and ran over to grab the coveted tree.
"Aren't we lucky?" I said to Norm. "I do feel a little guilty, though, for taking it before she could change her mind."
"Don't worry," he replied. "She just ran over and snatched ours."
********************************
Buying a Hat
My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy a new hat. My wife took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't have enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed," she said. So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference. Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15. After he left, I paid the other $45 of the price. Later Grandpa said, "What a bargain! The last one I bought there cost me $60.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
hUMOR For December 21st
********************************
A few days after Christmas last year, my six year old son and I were talking.
He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"
"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.
He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"
********************************
I, Pastor Tim (neither Republican nor Democrat), warn you now that if you are either (or both) and cannot laugh at yourself, you should just delete this now.
*Political Christmas Guide*
Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.Democrats ask for a "Bud."
When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.
Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.
Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."
Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians."Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
A few days after Christmas last year, my six year old son and I were talking.
He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"
"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.
He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"
********************************
I, Pastor Tim (neither Republican nor Democrat), warn you now that if you are either (or both) and cannot laugh at yourself, you should just delete this now.
*Political Christmas Guide*
Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.Democrats ask for a "Bud."
When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.
Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.
Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."
Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians."Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
Monday, December 20, 2004
hUMOR For December 20th
********************************
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
********************************
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," he said. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then, you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"
********************************
Say What?
In the ascertainment of an excogitation of linguistic proclivity, one might
ascribe to the mentation that a phratry exists in which some encyclopedists
designedly cultivate a nonplussed ambience hypothecated to befuddle the vox
populi.
TRANSLATION: Judging from the words some people use, you'd think they
purposely write to confuse the average person.
********************************
One day a novice skier went up a mountain that any beginner should have avoided. No one would have blamed her if she stayed behind. At 12 below zero, even Frosty the Snowman would have opted for a warm fire. Hardly a day for snow skiing, but her husband insisted. So she went.
While waiting in the lift line, she realized she was in dire need of a restroom. Assured there was a restroom at the top of the lift, she endured the bouncy ride, only to find there was no facility. She began to panic. Her husband had an idea: why not go out into the woods? Since she was wearing an all white outfit, she'd blend in with the snow.
What choice did she have? She skied past the tree line and arranged her ski suit at half-mast. Unfortunately, her husband hadn't told her to remove her skis.
Inadvertently, she began sliding backwards across the slope, without a chance to make herself presentable. With arms flailing and skis sailing, she sped under the very lift she'd just ridden and collided with a pylon.
As she scrambled to cover herself, she discovered that her arm was broken. Fortunately, her husband raced to her rescue. He summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to the hospital.
While being treated in the emergency room, a man with a broken leg was carried in and placed next to her. By now she'd regained her composure enough to make small talk.
"So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked.
"It was the strangest thing you ever saw," he explained.
"I was riding up the ski lift and suddenly there was this crazy woman skiing backwards, at top speed, with her ski suit down around her knees. I couldn't believe my eyes, so I leaned over to get a better look. I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
The he turned to her and asked, "So, how'd you break your arm?"
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
********************************
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," he said. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then, you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"
********************************
Say What?
In the ascertainment of an excogitation of linguistic proclivity, one might
ascribe to the mentation that a phratry exists in which some encyclopedists
designedly cultivate a nonplussed ambience hypothecated to befuddle the vox
populi.
TRANSLATION: Judging from the words some people use, you'd think they
purposely write to confuse the average person.
********************************
One day a novice skier went up a mountain that any beginner should have avoided. No one would have blamed her if she stayed behind. At 12 below zero, even Frosty the Snowman would have opted for a warm fire. Hardly a day for snow skiing, but her husband insisted. So she went.
While waiting in the lift line, she realized she was in dire need of a restroom. Assured there was a restroom at the top of the lift, she endured the bouncy ride, only to find there was no facility. She began to panic. Her husband had an idea: why not go out into the woods? Since she was wearing an all white outfit, she'd blend in with the snow.
What choice did she have? She skied past the tree line and arranged her ski suit at half-mast. Unfortunately, her husband hadn't told her to remove her skis.
Inadvertently, she began sliding backwards across the slope, without a chance to make herself presentable. With arms flailing and skis sailing, she sped under the very lift she'd just ridden and collided with a pylon.
As she scrambled to cover herself, she discovered that her arm was broken. Fortunately, her husband raced to her rescue. He summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to the hospital.
While being treated in the emergency room, a man with a broken leg was carried in and placed next to her. By now she'd regained her composure enough to make small talk.
"So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked.
"It was the strangest thing you ever saw," he explained.
"I was riding up the ski lift and suddenly there was this crazy woman skiing backwards, at top speed, with her ski suit down around her knees. I couldn't believe my eyes, so I leaned over to get a better look. I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
The he turned to her and asked, "So, how'd you break your arm?"
Sunday, December 19, 2004
hUMOR For December 19th
********************************
Seals
Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.
Case in point: My grandson's Kindergarten class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.
One little girl asked, "Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"
********************************
*Elf Pet Peeves*
7. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.
6. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.
5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.
4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship.
3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.
2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league.
1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share.
********************************
*Elf Pet Peeves*
7. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.
6. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.
5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.
4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship.
3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.
2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league.
1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share.
Seals
Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.
Case in point: My grandson's Kindergarten class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.
One little girl asked, "Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"
********************************
*Elf Pet Peeves*
7. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.
6. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.
5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.
4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship.
3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.
2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league.
1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share.
********************************
*Elf Pet Peeves*
7. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.
6. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.
5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.
4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship.
3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.
2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league.
1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share.
hUMOR For December 19th
********************************
Seals
Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.
Case in point: My grandson's Kindergarten class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.
One little girl asked, "Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"
********************************
*Elf Pet Peeves*
7. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.
6. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.
5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.
4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship.
3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.
2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league.
1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share.
********************************
*Elf Pet Peeves*
7. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.
6. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.
5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.
4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship.
3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.
2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league.
1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share.
Seals
Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.
Case in point: My grandson's Kindergarten class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.
One little girl asked, "Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"
********************************
*Elf Pet Peeves*
7. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.
6. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.
5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.
4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship.
3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.
2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league.
1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share.
********************************
*Elf Pet Peeves*
7. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.
6. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.
5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.
4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship.
3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.
2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league.
1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
hUMOR For December 18th
********************************
A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall. They decided to go their separate ways and meet two hours later.
The husband was at their appointed meeting place at the appointed time, but there was no sign of his wife. After waiting for half an hour, he started looking for her but couldn't find her in any of the stores she usually frequented.
Finally, thoroughly tired of looking for her, he approached a beautiful blonde on a mall bench. He smiled at her and said, "Please, talk to me! Quick!"
She said, "Why?"
"Because I've been looking for my wife all over this mall and I can't find her," the man replied.
"How will talking to me help you find your wife? I have absolutely no idea what she looks like, much less where she is."
"I didn't think you did. However, every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears!"
********************************
Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time.
At the last stop, I said, "Ya know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That lil' white truck is keeping up with us.
********************************
** I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess its NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
** This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.
** (Game show-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!
A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall. They decided to go their separate ways and meet two hours later.
The husband was at their appointed meeting place at the appointed time, but there was no sign of his wife. After waiting for half an hour, he started looking for her but couldn't find her in any of the stores she usually frequented.
Finally, thoroughly tired of looking for her, he approached a beautiful blonde on a mall bench. He smiled at her and said, "Please, talk to me! Quick!"
She said, "Why?"
"Because I've been looking for my wife all over this mall and I can't find her," the man replied.
"How will talking to me help you find your wife? I have absolutely no idea what she looks like, much less where she is."
"I didn't think you did. However, every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears!"
********************************
Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time.
At the last stop, I said, "Ya know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That lil' white truck is keeping up with us.
********************************
** I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess its NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
** This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.
** (Game show-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!
Friday, December 17, 2004
hUMOR For December 17th
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Some of you on this list will actually enjoy these - proof once again of the need for more therapists in the world, lol.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?It's Christmas, Eve!
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?Santa Claustrophobia!
What disasters could happen if you dropped the Christmas turkey?The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China and the overthrow of Greece!
What's ice? Skid Stuff!
Where do snowmen go to dance?Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around?By icicle!
********************************
My sister has the courage--but not always the skills--to tackle any home-repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested.
********************************
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,
"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy.... "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
********************************
How Many Feet?
I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver's permit.
"Oh, she said, "I already know everything in the book."
"You do?" I returned.
"Yep", she said, very smugly.
I thought, "OK, I'll give her a hard one." So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"
"One," she replied.
"What?" I asked. "One?!"
She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added, "One, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."
Here is today's CleanPun.
Some of you on this list will actually enjoy these - proof once again of the need for more therapists in the world, lol.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?It's Christmas, Eve!
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?Santa Claustrophobia!
What disasters could happen if you dropped the Christmas turkey?The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China and the overthrow of Greece!
What's ice? Skid Stuff!
Where do snowmen go to dance?Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around?By icicle!
********************************
My sister has the courage--but not always the skills--to tackle any home-repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested.
********************************
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,
"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy.... "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
********************************
How Many Feet?
I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver's permit.
"Oh, she said, "I already know everything in the book."
"You do?" I returned.
"Yep", she said, very smugly.
I thought, "OK, I'll give her a hard one." So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"
"One," she replied.
"What?" I asked. "One?!"
She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added, "One, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."
Thursday, December 16, 2004
hUMOR For December 16th
********************************
Computer's Down
Our new office computer system was down as much as it was working. My co-worker Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!"
The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down."
********************************
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
********************************
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
********************************
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.
After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him--he sauntered in. "Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
********************************
Bragging
At the day-care center where I work, some of the children were telling me about their siblings.
"My brother takes horseback-riding lessons," bragged one.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
Computer's Down
Our new office computer system was down as much as it was working. My co-worker Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!"
The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down."
********************************
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
********************************
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
********************************
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.
After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him--he sauntered in. "Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
********************************
Bragging
At the day-care center where I work, some of the children were telling me about their siblings.
"My brother takes horseback-riding lessons," bragged one.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
hUMOR For December 15th
Adoption
The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an
end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful
Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college
so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so,
when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."
**********
One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.
As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
**********
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...
MAIN ENTRANCE.
*********
Thanks to Larry Clott for today's CleanPun.
The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it. After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny's had an odd element in it.
"Johnny, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?
"It's the flea, teacher."
"What flea?" asked the teacher.
To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse: "Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There's Mary; there's Jesus; and there's the flea."
The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an
end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful
Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college
so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so,
when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."
**********
One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.
As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
**********
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...
MAIN ENTRANCE.
*********
Thanks to Larry Clott for today's CleanPun.
The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it. After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny's had an odd element in it.
"Johnny, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?
"It's the flea, teacher."
"What flea?" asked the teacher.
To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse: "Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There's Mary; there's Jesus; and there's the flea."
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
hUMOR For December 14th
********************************
A minister is visiting his children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.
His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.
She replies, "Yes... it's breakable."
********************************
As I was checking my 401(k) account and thinking about retirement, I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes are.
Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!
Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.
Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.
Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?
When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees.
Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.
After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.
Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.
Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!
So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!
********************************
Away From His Desk
A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"
***********************
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met a young lady of excellent character and virtue that interested him very much. What should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great idea, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
A minister is visiting his children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.
His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.
She replies, "Yes... it's breakable."
********************************
As I was checking my 401(k) account and thinking about retirement, I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes are.
Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!
Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.
Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.
Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?
When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees.
Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.
After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.
Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.
Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!
So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!
********************************
Away From His Desk
A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"
***********************
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met a young lady of excellent character and virtue that interested him very much. What should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great idea, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
Monday, December 13, 2004
hUMOR For December 13th
********************************
*Seasonal Ways of Calling Someone A Goober*
- A couple of slates short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.
********************************
*Seasonal Ways of Calling Someone A Goober*
- A couple of slates short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.
********************************
My sister has the courage--but not always the skills--to tackle any home-repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested.
*Seasonal Ways of Calling Someone A Goober*
- A couple of slates short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.
********************************
*Seasonal Ways of Calling Someone A Goober*
- A couple of slates short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.
********************************
My sister has the courage--but not always the skills--to tackle any home-repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
hUMOR For December 12th
********************************
*Top Ten Gifts Your Husband Doesn't Want For Christmas*
10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage
9. Any knick-knack
8. Tickets to the ballet
7. Another new tie
6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket
5. New teddy bear pajamas
4. Vacuum cleaner
3. A weekend seminar on "Getting in Touch With Your Feelings"
2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers
1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (OK, well maybe.)
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Q. What does a reindeer say before telling you a (bad) joke?
A. "This will sleigh you."
*Top Ten Gifts Your Husband Doesn't Want For Christmas*
10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage
9. Any knick-knack
8. Tickets to the ballet
7. Another new tie
6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket
5. New teddy bear pajamas
4. Vacuum cleaner
3. A weekend seminar on "Getting in Touch With Your Feelings"
2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers
1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (OK, well maybe.)
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Q. What does a reindeer say before telling you a (bad) joke?
A. "This will sleigh you."
Saturday, December 11, 2004
hUMOR For December 11th
********************************
Got Cable?
In my job as an electronics salesman, I've seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and mini-vans. This has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy.
One day, as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD's, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, "Does it get cable?"
********************************
*Top Ten Gifts Your Wife Doesn't Want For Christmas*
10. A car wash kit
9. A table saw
8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City's Home Theatre Installation Seminar
7. A case of oil
6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated
5. Custom engraved bowling ball
4. New outboard motor for fishing boat
3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD
2. New satellite dish with sports package
1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic
********************************
On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.
Then, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
********************************
Close Enough for Government Work
This insurance company's contract with a government agency has just expired, and a technician fields the call from an agency bureaucrat reminding him that he needs to destroy the agency-provided software.
"I agreed that we would delete the software from the mainframe computer,"
says the tech.
The reply? "That's not good enough -- the software must be destroyed."
"How do you destroy software?" tech asks. But the agency guy can't give specifics. "He just kept insisting that deleting the software was not enough -- we must destroy the software!"
The tech finally suggested that we copy the software onto a tape cartridge, have a steamroller roll over it and send the flattened tape cartridge to the agency.
The steamroller was on site because a company was repaving the parking lot.
The tech suggested the idea because of frustration with the construction in the parking lot -- and frustration with the government employee who did not seem to have a clue about the nature of software.
We put the flattened cartridge, at least all the pieces worth picking up, and the crushed tape into a padded envelop and mailed it to the government agency, to his attention.
We received a sincere thank you from the agency.
Got Cable?
In my job as an electronics salesman, I've seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and mini-vans. This has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy.
One day, as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD's, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, "Does it get cable?"
********************************
*Top Ten Gifts Your Wife Doesn't Want For Christmas*
10. A car wash kit
9. A table saw
8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City's Home Theatre Installation Seminar
7. A case of oil
6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated
5. Custom engraved bowling ball
4. New outboard motor for fishing boat
3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD
2. New satellite dish with sports package
1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic
********************************
On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.
Then, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
********************************
Close Enough for Government Work
This insurance company's contract with a government agency has just expired, and a technician fields the call from an agency bureaucrat reminding him that he needs to destroy the agency-provided software.
"I agreed that we would delete the software from the mainframe computer,"
says the tech.
The reply? "That's not good enough -- the software must be destroyed."
"How do you destroy software?" tech asks. But the agency guy can't give specifics. "He just kept insisting that deleting the software was not enough -- we must destroy the software!"
The tech finally suggested that we copy the software onto a tape cartridge, have a steamroller roll over it and send the flattened tape cartridge to the agency.
The steamroller was on site because a company was repaving the parking lot.
The tech suggested the idea because of frustration with the construction in the parking lot -- and frustration with the government employee who did not seem to have a clue about the nature of software.
We put the flattened cartridge, at least all the pieces worth picking up, and the crushed tape into a padded envelop and mailed it to the government agency, to his attention.
We received a sincere thank you from the agency.
Friday, December 10, 2004
hUMOR For December 10th
********************************
A Soldier's Night Before Christmas
(Original Title is "Merry Christmas, My Friend")
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone, In a one-bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney, with presents to give and to see just who in this home did live.
As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see, no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land.
With medals and badges, awards of all kind, a sobering thought soon came to my mind.
For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen.
This was the home of a U.S. Marine.
I'd heard stories about them, I had to see more, so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping, silent, alone, Curled up on the floor in his one-bedroom home.
He seemed so gentle, his face so serene, Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.
Was this the hero, of whom I'd just read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?
His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan.
I soon understood, this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw that night, owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight.
Soon around the Nation, the children would play, And grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom, each month and all year, because of Marines like this one lying here.
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone, on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.
He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice, "Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my Corps."
With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep, I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I watched him for hours, so silent and still.
I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red, and covered this Marine from his toes to his head.
Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold, with an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride, and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.
I didn't want to leave him so quiet in the night, this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure, said "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas Day, all secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right, Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight.
********************************
Little Brother?
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like
a little brother," the boy said.
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little
brother?"
"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Late one evening, while sitting and looking out their kitchen window somewhere in northern Russia, Rudolf and his wife Tanya were observing the inclement weather.
"This rain is going to make a mess out of the roads tonight Tanya," said Rudolf.
"That's not rain," says Tanya, "that's snow!"
"Don't be rediculous!" huffs Rudolf. "That's Rain!"
"Thats snow you old fool," says Tanya.
"Its not snow old woman, its rain, ... Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Late one evening, while sitting and looking out their kitchen window somewhere in northern Russia, Rudolf and his wife Tanya were observing the inclement weather.
"This rain is going to make a mess out of the roads tonight Tanya," said Rudolf.
"That's not rain," says Tanya, "that's snow!"
"Don't be rediculous!" huffs Rudolf. "That's Rain!"
"Thats snow you old fool," says Tanya.
"Its not snow old woman, its rain, ... Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"
********************************
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty smart.
The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that that was good.
The chemist said that his dog could do better still. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers'
compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They all agreed that that was brilliant!
A Soldier's Night Before Christmas
(Original Title is "Merry Christmas, My Friend")
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone, In a one-bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney, with presents to give and to see just who in this home did live.
As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see, no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land.
With medals and badges, awards of all kind, a sobering thought soon came to my mind.
For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen.
This was the home of a U.S. Marine.
I'd heard stories about them, I had to see more, so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping, silent, alone, Curled up on the floor in his one-bedroom home.
He seemed so gentle, his face so serene, Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.
Was this the hero, of whom I'd just read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?
His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan.
I soon understood, this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw that night, owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight.
Soon around the Nation, the children would play, And grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom, each month and all year, because of Marines like this one lying here.
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone, on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.
He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice, "Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my Corps."
With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep, I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I watched him for hours, so silent and still.
I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red, and covered this Marine from his toes to his head.
Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold, with an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride, and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.
I didn't want to leave him so quiet in the night, this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure, said "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas Day, all secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right, Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight.
********************************
Little Brother?
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like
a little brother," the boy said.
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little
brother?"
"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Late one evening, while sitting and looking out their kitchen window somewhere in northern Russia, Rudolf and his wife Tanya were observing the inclement weather.
"This rain is going to make a mess out of the roads tonight Tanya," said Rudolf.
"That's not rain," says Tanya, "that's snow!"
"Don't be rediculous!" huffs Rudolf. "That's Rain!"
"Thats snow you old fool," says Tanya.
"Its not snow old woman, its rain, ... Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Late one evening, while sitting and looking out their kitchen window somewhere in northern Russia, Rudolf and his wife Tanya were observing the inclement weather.
"This rain is going to make a mess out of the roads tonight Tanya," said Rudolf.
"That's not rain," says Tanya, "that's snow!"
"Don't be rediculous!" huffs Rudolf. "That's Rain!"
"Thats snow you old fool," says Tanya.
"Its not snow old woman, its rain, ... Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"
********************************
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty smart.
The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that that was good.
The chemist said that his dog could do better still. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers'
compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They all agreed that that was brilliant!
Thursday, December 09, 2004
hUMOR For December 9th
********************************
Gift Suggestions
I you have an "Automotive Minded" Person in you life, these gift
suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change
the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked
maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000
miles or twice a year. $25
2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find.
4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or
stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium
Filaments, made in the USA! $1 ea.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not,
you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific
application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!) From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order.
$14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road obstacles). Sold by the
lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck begins to run poorly,
(long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu,
black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty computer virus.
This product will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in your
rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the auto
companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS!
This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per square ft.
********************************
*Coast Guard Christmas*
Twas the night before Christmas and all through each state,Coast Guard families were starting to celebrate.Just then from the white House came an urgent call,A crisis had arisen that would affect one and all.
In fact the U.S. State Department was frantic,For Santa Claus had just landed in the Atlantic!It Was foggy as ever; Rudolph had made a blunder.Santa, sleigh, and eight reindeer were going under.
Though the stockings were hung by the chimneys with care.Poor Santa gurgled, "I'll never get there."When what to his wondering eye should appear;But some coast guard cutters with their rescue gear!
The officers and crew were so lively and quick;Sure was a lucky break for good ole Saint Nick.With a nod from the captain. they went right to work.Rudolph was embarrassed, he felt like a jerk.
Poor Santa was soggy, but as anyone could see,He was very grateful to the U.S.C.G!And we heard him exclaim as they towed him from sight,"If it weren't for age and weight, I'd enlist Tonight!"
********************************
*Coast Guard Christmas*
Twas the night before Christmas and all through each state,Coast Guard families were starting to celebrate.Just then from the white House came an urgent call,A crisis had arisen that would affect one and all.
In fact the U.S. State Department was frantic,For Santa Claus had just landed in the Atlantic!It Was foggy as ever; Rudolph had made a blunder.Santa, sleigh, and eight reindeer were going under.
Though the stockings were hung by the chimneys with care.Poor Santa gurgled, "I'll never get there."When what to his wondering eye should appear;But some coast guard cutters with their rescue gear!
The officers and crew were so lively and quick;Sure was a lucky break for good ole Saint Nick.With a nod from the captain. they went right to work.Rudolph was embarrassed, he felt like a jerk.
Poor Santa was soggy, but as anyone could see,He was very grateful to the U.S.C.G!And we heard him exclaim as they towed him from sight,"If it weren't for age and weight, I'd enlist Tonight!"
********************************
Quip 1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and lightning.
Quip 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Quip 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Quip 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Quip 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Quip 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Quip 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Quip 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.
Quip 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Quip 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
Gift Suggestions
I you have an "Automotive Minded" Person in you life, these gift
suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change
the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked
maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000
miles or twice a year. $25
2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find.
4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or
stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium
Filaments, made in the USA! $1 ea.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not,
you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific
application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!) From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order.
$14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road obstacles). Sold by the
lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck begins to run poorly,
(long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu,
black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty computer virus.
This product will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in your
rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the auto
companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS!
This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per square ft.
********************************
*Coast Guard Christmas*
Twas the night before Christmas and all through each state,Coast Guard families were starting to celebrate.Just then from the white House came an urgent call,A crisis had arisen that would affect one and all.
In fact the U.S. State Department was frantic,For Santa Claus had just landed in the Atlantic!It Was foggy as ever; Rudolph had made a blunder.Santa, sleigh, and eight reindeer were going under.
Though the stockings were hung by the chimneys with care.Poor Santa gurgled, "I'll never get there."When what to his wondering eye should appear;But some coast guard cutters with their rescue gear!
The officers and crew were so lively and quick;Sure was a lucky break for good ole Saint Nick.With a nod from the captain. they went right to work.Rudolph was embarrassed, he felt like a jerk.
Poor Santa was soggy, but as anyone could see,He was very grateful to the U.S.C.G!And we heard him exclaim as they towed him from sight,"If it weren't for age and weight, I'd enlist Tonight!"
********************************
*Coast Guard Christmas*
Twas the night before Christmas and all through each state,Coast Guard families were starting to celebrate.Just then from the white House came an urgent call,A crisis had arisen that would affect one and all.
In fact the U.S. State Department was frantic,For Santa Claus had just landed in the Atlantic!It Was foggy as ever; Rudolph had made a blunder.Santa, sleigh, and eight reindeer were going under.
Though the stockings were hung by the chimneys with care.Poor Santa gurgled, "I'll never get there."When what to his wondering eye should appear;But some coast guard cutters with their rescue gear!
The officers and crew were so lively and quick;Sure was a lucky break for good ole Saint Nick.With a nod from the captain. they went right to work.Rudolph was embarrassed, he felt like a jerk.
Poor Santa was soggy, but as anyone could see,He was very grateful to the U.S.C.G!And we heard him exclaim as they towed him from sight,"If it weren't for age and weight, I'd enlist Tonight!"
********************************
Quip 1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and lightning.
Quip 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Quip 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Quip 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Quip 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Quip 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Quip 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Quip 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.
Quip 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Quip 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
hUMOR For December 8th
********************************
Thanks to marti -- True or False?
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. On only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
1 4. The average computer user blinks 7 times a
minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William me NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in
1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
See answers below
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: Shortened 23rd Psalm
In his beautiful book, "I Shall Not Want," Robert Ketchum tells of a Sunday School teacher who asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.
A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands.
A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said,
"The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."
She bowed again and went and sat down. That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Sad But True
A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.
However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, "Don't feel bad fella'....they won't let ME in either."
******************************************************
Answers to the above questions...
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16
******************************************************
Thanks to La Mi -- late, but my fault -- he sent it in timely fashion...
The Twelve Days of Thanksgiving....
On the First Day.....We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.
On the Second Day.....We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.
On the Third Day.....We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.
On the Fourth Day.....We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.
On the Fifth Day..... We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.
On the Sixth Day.....We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.
On the Seventh Day...We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey- nugget pizza.
On the Eighth Day.....The word vegetarian keeps popping into our heads.
On the Ninth Day.....We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.
On the Tenth Day.....We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.
On the Eleventh Day.....We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.
On the Twelfth Day.....We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says Amen.
********************************
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."
********************************
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"
********************************
At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his firstwitness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approachedher and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you sinceyou were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie,you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behindtheir backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brainsto realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paperpusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across theroom and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is areal disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say aboutanybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, andeverybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entirestate. Yes, I know him."The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators inthe courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to hisbench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her ifshe knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Has she been in this town too long or is she just too old?
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.
He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"
The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
********************************
*"Are you a Grinch?" Test*
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos dress a car).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.
********************************
My company had a successful year, and at the annual meeting, employees eagerly awaited the general manager's report on the performance of our branch.
"You are the role models of our company," he proudly announced. "I can tell you that whenever the owners talk about you and your office, they use nothing but expletives." A stunned silence followed.
Then the manager blushed, cleared his throat, and added,
"I meant superlatives."
********************************
AT CHRISTMAS TIME, REMEMBER …According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, not get lost and not drop dead of natural causes!
Thanks to marti -- True or False?
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. On only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
1 4. The average computer user blinks 7 times a
minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William me NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in
1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
See answers below
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: Shortened 23rd Psalm
In his beautiful book, "I Shall Not Want," Robert Ketchum tells of a Sunday School teacher who asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.
A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands.
A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said,
"The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."
She bowed again and went and sat down. That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Sad But True
A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.
However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, "Don't feel bad fella'....they won't let ME in either."
******************************************************
Answers to the above questions...
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16
******************************************************
Thanks to La Mi -- late, but my fault -- he sent it in timely fashion...
The Twelve Days of Thanksgiving....
On the First Day.....We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.
On the Second Day.....We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.
On the Third Day.....We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.
On the Fourth Day.....We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.
On the Fifth Day..... We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.
On the Sixth Day.....We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.
On the Seventh Day...We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey- nugget pizza.
On the Eighth Day.....The word vegetarian keeps popping into our heads.
On the Ninth Day.....We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.
On the Tenth Day.....We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.
On the Eleventh Day.....We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.
On the Twelfth Day.....We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says Amen.
********************************
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."
********************************
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"
********************************
At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his firstwitness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approachedher and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you sinceyou were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie,you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behindtheir backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brainsto realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paperpusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across theroom and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is areal disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say aboutanybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, andeverybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entirestate. Yes, I know him."The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators inthe courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to hisbench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her ifshe knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Has she been in this town too long or is she just too old?
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.
He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"
The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
********************************
*"Are you a Grinch?" Test*
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos dress a car).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.
********************************
My company had a successful year, and at the annual meeting, employees eagerly awaited the general manager's report on the performance of our branch.
"You are the role models of our company," he proudly announced. "I can tell you that whenever the owners talk about you and your office, they use nothing but expletives." A stunned silence followed.
Then the manager blushed, cleared his throat, and added,
"I meant superlatives."
********************************
AT CHRISTMAS TIME, REMEMBER …According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, not get lost and not drop dead of natural causes!
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
hUMOR For December 7th
********************************
The Gift of the Email
by Robert Byron
My wife's siblings decided that they all wanted to go in together on a gift for their parents. The conversation was communicated in written form via email. It went pretty much like this:
"Ellie and I were talking this morning about lots of things. One of the things we talked about was a Christmas gift for Mom. She mentioned Mom's subtle hint about the ornaments. An excellent idea, of course. I mentioned that I had found a pendant that had room for a gem stone for all 13 grandchildren. Love, Amy"
"Would love to get a lawn service in place for Dad (even if it is every other month, it could offer some relief). Love the pendant for Mom. I think she would love it! Candice"
"Okay, scroll down to the bottom of Mom's email. Should we all chip in and get Dad the $220 fishing unit???? By the time tax is added in, we are looking at about $40. We are going there this Friday and Saturday (John-John has a football game in Herford on Saturday) -- I could look into getting it then.
What do you think? Love ya, Ellie"
"You can count us in. With love, Candice"
"Sounds awesome. I had the very same thought. It's a perfect Dad gift. Of course, Mom's task is to keep him from buying it himself between now and Christmas. :D ~Amy"
"We are in as well! - Ginger"
"Okay, all the girls are in. How 'bout the boys? Bob and Doug, should we count you guys in for the fishing unit for Dad for Christmas? Love, Ellie"
"Why are you asking Bob and Doug.....have you NOT learned yet!! Who does the shopping? Who makes the decisions? Linda and Celia, how do you y'all feel about the gift for Dad? - Ginger"
"I'm all for following the lead. Bob"
"Whatever works is fine for us.do you think he ever goes fishing? And has that dock, twice repaired now, ever launched a boat? And they moved to the coast because.? - Celia"
"You can count us in for Dad's gift but am I the only one who thinks we shouldn't have been including mom and dad in these emails? - Doug"
********************************
"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." - Mark Twain
********************************
"A Dieter's Christmas"
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!
********************************
"A Dieter's Christmas"
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!
********************************
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash, and the barman says, "Geez, that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my Rottweiler would beat the heck out of it." Fifty bucks is laid down. Out in the yard, the Rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his Pit Bull will win, but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and, when it's all over, there are bits of Pit Bull Terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say, what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink, it was the same breed as every other alligator."
********************************
Longer Days
I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at
an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large
bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to
free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.
As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came
along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I
heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I
could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.)
"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared.
"You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
********************************If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
The Gift of the Email
by Robert Byron
My wife's siblings decided that they all wanted to go in together on a gift for their parents. The conversation was communicated in written form via email. It went pretty much like this:
"Ellie and I were talking this morning about lots of things. One of the things we talked about was a Christmas gift for Mom. She mentioned Mom's subtle hint about the ornaments. An excellent idea, of course. I mentioned that I had found a pendant that had room for a gem stone for all 13 grandchildren. Love, Amy"
"Would love to get a lawn service in place for Dad (even if it is every other month, it could offer some relief). Love the pendant for Mom. I think she would love it! Candice"
"Okay, scroll down to the bottom of Mom's email. Should we all chip in and get Dad the $220 fishing unit???? By the time tax is added in, we are looking at about $40. We are going there this Friday and Saturday (John-John has a football game in Herford on Saturday) -- I could look into getting it then.
What do you think? Love ya, Ellie"
"You can count us in. With love, Candice"
"Sounds awesome. I had the very same thought. It's a perfect Dad gift. Of course, Mom's task is to keep him from buying it himself between now and Christmas. :D ~Amy"
"We are in as well! - Ginger"
"Okay, all the girls are in. How 'bout the boys? Bob and Doug, should we count you guys in for the fishing unit for Dad for Christmas? Love, Ellie"
"Why are you asking Bob and Doug.....have you NOT learned yet!! Who does the shopping? Who makes the decisions? Linda and Celia, how do you y'all feel about the gift for Dad? - Ginger"
"I'm all for following the lead. Bob"
"Whatever works is fine for us.do you think he ever goes fishing? And has that dock, twice repaired now, ever launched a boat? And they moved to the coast because.? - Celia"
"You can count us in for Dad's gift but am I the only one who thinks we shouldn't have been including mom and dad in these emails? - Doug"
********************************
"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." - Mark Twain
********************************
"A Dieter's Christmas"
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!
********************************
"A Dieter's Christmas"
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!
********************************
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash, and the barman says, "Geez, that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my Rottweiler would beat the heck out of it." Fifty bucks is laid down. Out in the yard, the Rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his Pit Bull will win, but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and, when it's all over, there are bits of Pit Bull Terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say, what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink, it was the same breed as every other alligator."
********************************
Longer Days
I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at
an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large
bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to
free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.
As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came
along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I
heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I
could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.)
"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared.
"You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
********************************If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
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