Today's hUMOR

"A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving
a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don't pat down a baby!
You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine."
 -Jimmy Fallon



A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive,
and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer
was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the
woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby
and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed,
"Every time."

()()()()()()()
Casserole

Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's
dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son
to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to
put it in at 350," I said.

"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."

()()()()()()

Today's hUMOR

"The TSA is being criticized for checking 2-year-olds at
airport security. People say 2-year-olds can't be
terrorists - unless you're sitting next to one on a flight."
 -Jay Leno

                            ***

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife are separating. She'll
get the house in Malibu and he'll be moving back to Skull
Island." -David Letterman

                            ***

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for
two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a life-
time of...the same." -Craig Ferguson

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Flag Pin

I was touring a British naval vessel, wearing my American flag lapel
pin. As I asked the tour guide a question, he called out, "Sir, you
are in distress!"

I was greatly confused, until he pointed out that the flag on my
lapel was upside down, the naval symbol for a ship in distress.

I fumbled with the sticky clasp for a moment, but was only able to
turn the flag 90 degrees. "Ah," he said sternly, "now you're being
boarded by pirates."

(((((((((((((((((((((((((
Dining Out

One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant.
Dad was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard
look at the potato, called the waitress over and said,
"This potato is bad!"

To my utter amazement, the waitress at this "5-Star" place,
picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the plate,
then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble,
just let me know."
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Dining Out

One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant.
Dad was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard
look at the potato, called the waitress over and said,
"This potato is bad!"

To my utter amazement, the waitress at this "5-Star" place,
picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the plate,
then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble,
just let me know."
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Casserole

Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's
dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son
to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to
put it in at 350," I said.

"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."

Today's hUMOR

It Started With An iPhone

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got
him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very
happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod
Touch.

September came by, so for my wife's birthday I bought her an
iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be
integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and
iClean. This unfortunately activated the iNag app.

Which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Thursday.

**********************

Marksman

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on
walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet
hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person
responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be
the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man.
"How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," was the reply. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
**********************

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says,  “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start…”

****************

It's Fixed!

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read:
"Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn,
and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left
turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon
discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair
order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove
bowling ball from trunk."

Today's hUMOR

It All Comes Back Around

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"For sale," read the ad in our hospital's weekly newsletter,
"sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn
once, by mistake."

                            ***

When hiring new staff at the public library, I always ask
applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most com-
fortable with. One genius answered, "I've always thought
Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."

                            ***

My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening
up right in her neighborhood. "How convenient," she said. "I
can walk to it!"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A 93-year-old woman and a 100-year-old man have become the
world's oldest newlyweds. After a brief honeymoon, they plan
to reside in heaven." -Craig Ferguson



After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps
on his willy, so he goes to the doctor.

"That's serious," says the doctor. "You know how wrestlers
get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes," says the man nervously.

"Well," says the doctor: "You've got brothel sprouts."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Shaking Hands

"Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot of coffee?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

Today's hUMOR

Bus Home

I was out at a bar, celebrating the weekend. At the end of the
evening, I was totally wasted and decided to take a bus home. I
arrived home safe and warm, which surprised me because I had never
driven a bus before.

()()()()()()()()()()()()

It Depends

A teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your
parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?"

After a few moments, William answered, "It depends."

"It depends on what?" she asked.

"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

()()()()()()()()()()()()

Memento

Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"

Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."

Friend: "But your husband is still alive."

Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone."

()()()()()()()()()()()()

• How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
  
• “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”
• “Just leave all the lights on . . . it makes the house look more cheery”
• “Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it’s good for another week”
• “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”

()()()()()()()()()()()()

Today's hUMOR

"Shoe Follow"

Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.

Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.

"Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"

##################

Podiatrist's Sign

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

##################

One Liner

"It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose."

##################

CleanQuote

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
~ C. S. Lewis

################## 

The English Professor

An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his
class and noticed that one of his students had fallen
asleep. The professor was annoyed enough to send the book
spinning through the air and bounce it off the sleeper's
skull. Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.

"That," said the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."

################## 

Warning Signs

For our anniversary one year, my in-laws gave us a beautiful knife set. It was a top-of-the-line premium set of cutlery.
The cutting board that they had purchased to complete the set, however, was a different matter altogether.
Imprinted on the packaging was the following warning: “Opening with sharp object may damage this product.”

Today's hUMOR

Didn't See That Coming

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during
the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of
punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic
on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed
her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic,
the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her
mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Help Changing a Tire

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a
tire alongside the highway, and he pulled over to see
whether he could help. The man had a very red face and a
dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty
hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar was askew,
and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his
once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat
woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.

"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot
of tires ... maybe I can help here."

"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily.
"My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the
arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I
can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Impartiality

A friend of mine had just become a district court judge and was
nervous about presiding impartially over his first criminal trial. As
a former prosecutor, he could see the preponderance of evidence was
clearly against the defendant.

The proceedings went smoothly, until it was time for him to instruct the jury.

"The jury," he began, "is to convene in the guilty room."

Today's hUMOR

Scrubbing Bulkheads

I was scrubbing a bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning
when the loud-speaker announced:

"Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue
all unnecessary work."

An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily
routine, was confirmed with this announcement:

"Resume all unnecessary work."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location.
“It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was told.
“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.
Back came the reply: “It’s the one with all the broken windows.”

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Counting Rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two
rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many
rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two
apples and two apples and another two apples, how many
apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits
and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two
rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Today's hUMOR

Funny Messages
- The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

- I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would
have smelled like.


- Crime doesn't pay; does that mean my job is a crime?

- Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going
slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than
you is a maniac?

- I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

- What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint
department at the parachute packing plant.

- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

- Never forget that you're unique, just like everyone else.

- I heard you took an IQ test and they said your results
were negative.

- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception
problem.

- If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why
practice?

- Born free. Taxed to death.
++++++++++++++++++++++

"Science Quotes from Kids - Part 1"

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CleanPun

Two frogs were sitting on a lily pad.

One said to the other, "Time sure is fun when you are having flies!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One Liner

"I thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured, why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip to the mountains."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Getting Rid of the Monsters"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams. "Every night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack me."

"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between twenty-five and thirty thousand dollars."

"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind getting rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home and try to make friends with them!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Science Quotes from Kids - Part 2"

~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.

~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

~ The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.

~ The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

~ A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

~ A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

~ Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

~ Liter: A nest of young puppies.

~ Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

~ Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

~ Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

~ Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

~ Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.

~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

~ To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

~ For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Today's hUMOR

"Signs of the Times"

In a Vet's Office:
"All unattended children given free kitten"

Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR:
"Parking for customers only; others will be neutered."

In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome - dog food is expensive."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanPun

"Most auto accidents are caused by mechanical faults - the loose nut behind the steering wheel"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Liner

"I learned something important about burning leaves - wait until they fall off the trees."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanQuote

"To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Give Tech Support a Break"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

This technician's company uses satellite communications to send and receive messages from tugboats moving barges up and down major rivers. Each day, by 2 p. m., the tugboats send data on the day's activities to the company's traffic department.

At least that's how it's supposed to work.

"I got a call from our traffic department saying they only got data from about half the boats, and would I check on it?" technician says.

He calls the satellite company, but the technician there says there's no problem on his end.

Meanwhile, the traffic department calls again -- they're still not getting messages from the missing boats.

"So I called the boats and got them to re-send the messages, and they came through," says our tech. "The problem apparently cleared itself up."

But he isn't quite satisfied. "I called the satellite company back to see what happened, and what we could do if the problem recurred."

Satellite company's technician doesn't know what happened and doesn't have any way of finding out. "In order to track the messages, we would need an identification number from the message," he tells our tech.

"We could find out those numbers eventually," he figures.

"Also, the identification numbers are recycled every half hour," tech continues.

"So I need to get you the identification number within that time?" he asks.

"Right", says the satellite tech.

"So to summarize," says our tech glumly, "we need to give you the identification numbers of the messages we haven't received, within half an hour of not receiving them?"

Today's hUMOR

Medical Error

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist
often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the
hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So,
tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Men's Thesaurus"

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanPun

"Time to lie on the beach. Yeah, I never tell the truth anywhere."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Liner

"I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I cook. "

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanQuote

"An optimist is the human personification of spring."
~Susan J. Bissonette

Today's hUMOR

"Kids and Cliches"

I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what my students submitted.

- The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

- A rolling stone plays the guitar.

- The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

- A bird in the hand is a real mess.

- No news is no newspaper.

- It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

- It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

- You have nothing to fear but homework.

- If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

- If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

- Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

- A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

- The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

- We have nothing to fear but our principal.

- To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.

- I think, therefore I get a headache.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

- Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

- It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

- Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

- There is nothing new under the bed.

- The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

- Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

 ****************************
Groaner: Emergency Kit

Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her
car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair
Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of
dynamite inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was
for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up
one of my tires."
***************************
CleanPun

Cholesterophobia: The fear of frying.

****************************

One Liner

"I'm a pretty patient person - just as long as I'm not kept waiting for anything."

****************************

CleanQuote

"How strange that Nature does not knock, and yet does not intrude!"
~ Emily Dickinson

****************************

"I Wish I Was a Bear"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could get used to that.

And another thing; before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. That wouldn't bother me either.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

Also, your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. He likes it.

I wish I were a bear.

Today's hUMOR

Good morning crew,

The girlfriend and I were sitting around after lunch Sunday
afternoon and discussing what to do with the rest of the
day.

"How about a movie?" I suggested.

"A movie? On such a gorgeous day? Why don't we go horseback
riding?"

"Sorry. I am not climbing on the back of a fifteen hundred
pound animal that is not smart enough not to kill me if it
gets startled by a car horn or something."

"Don't be such a sissy," she criticized. "The horses they
give beginners are very tame. Besides, it's fun!"

I stared at her with as straight a face as I could manage
and said, "I don't see how you can be so cavalier about
getting on a horse."

ZING!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cooking a Roast

One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast
beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned
it, and set it in the roasting pan.

The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of
the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the
way that her mother had done it.

That night Grandma came to dinner and the little girl and
her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of
the roast before cooking. After some thought, Grandma
replied that it was the way her mother had done it.

Now the great-grandmother was quite old and in a nursing
home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to
see her and again asked the question.

Great-Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it
would fit in the pan, of course."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Job Application

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the
question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the
affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Federal Government Golf Rules            President BHO has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective in November 2011.  This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few of the changes.  Golfers with handicaps:  - below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.  - between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.  - above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.  The term "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:  -handicaps  below 10, no entitlements.  -handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.  -handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.  These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score. These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.  Golf must be about Fairness.   It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. This is the "Right thing to do".

Today's hUMOR

"Side Effects of a Life in Comedy"

Side Effects of a Life in Comedy

* Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo Meets Teller" routine is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.

* Your social status is one small notch above mimes and rodeo clowns.

* People are always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"

* Wisenheimer's Syndrome.

* You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.

* Instead of crow's feet, you get punchlines.

* You have to start the day with a couple of quick knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."

* The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind them up.

* Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a couple of decades.

* Everything tastes funny.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Police Academy

My sister felt she was well prepared for her in-depth
interview with the Police Academy Board who would
determine her suitability as a candidate.

The first situation they presented to her was: "On
routine patrol you see a car traveling at excessive
speed, with undue care and attention. You pull it over and
discover that the driver is your brother. What do you do?"

Without hesitation she replied, "Tell Mom!"

She was accepted.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

There was a typo on a test I was taking. Instead of "(D) none
of the above," it said "(D) one of the above." So I circled
it.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

"College Applicant"

Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice.

As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class.

"Why doesn't she try anther school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.

"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her grades?"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Garden Theft

"Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

CleanQuote

"Jealousy is all the fun you think they have."

Today's hUMOR

"Dextrocardia Question"

I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia.

"What's that?" she asked.

"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine to accommodate that."

As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have you had that for long?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Excavating Burial Ground

Two women archeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum. Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.

One of the women says, "We don't seem to be having much luck here, are we?"

The other replies, "Just keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One Liner

"The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

CleanQuote

"Bad thoughts are like germs. Build up your immunity!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Does Prayer Change Things?"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

They say that prayer changes things, but does it REALLY change anything?
Oh yes! It really does!

Does prayer change your present situation or sudden circumstances?
No, not always, but it does change the way you look at those events.

Does prayer change your financial future?
No, not always, but it does change who you look to for meeting your daily needs.

Does prayer change shattered hearts or broken bodies?
No, not always, but it will change your source of strength and comfort.

Does prayer change your wants and desires?
No, not always, but it will change your wants into what God desires!

Does prayer change how you view the world?
No, not always, but it will change whose eyes you see the world through.

Does prayer change your regrets from the past?
No, not always, but it will change your hopes for the future!

Does prayer change the people around you?
No, not always, but it will change you - the problem isn't always in others.

Does prayer change your life in ways you can't explain?
Oh, yes, always! And it will change you from the inside out!

So does prayer REALLY change ANYTHING?
Yes! It REALLY does change EVERYTHING!

Today's hUMOR

Vet Appointment

In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he
had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road
and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would
call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he
come on his own?"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Daily News

A man would buy a newspaper on the way to work every day,
glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy.

Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally
the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do
you always buy a paper and only look at the front page
before discarding it?"

The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."

"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the
newspaper."

"Young man," he said, "the man I'm looking for will be on
the front page."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Attractive

While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article
about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who
was not noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the
biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

Today's hUMOR

At the Bank

I had just finished my dental appointment when I decided to stop at
my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry
about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."

"You should have used the drive-through," she said.

"Why?"

"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Drum Problem

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and
loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter
what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to
do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to
make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning
was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist
nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred
activity and should be carried out only on special
occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for
their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the
neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger
through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation
exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective
motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a
hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the
drum?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Vet Appointment

In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he
had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road
and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would
call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he
come on his own?"

Today's hUMOR

Clumsy Ad Copy

- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray
will make it really repellent.

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.

- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs and large drawers.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.

- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us
once, you'll never go anywhere again.

#####################

"A Few Fishing Definitions"

HOOK - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement used to lure a fisherman to spend his life's savings on fishing supplies. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after she learns what he spent their life's savings on. (Usually accompanied by word "right" or "left.")

LINE - Something you give your coworkers when they ask how your fishing trip went.

LURE - An object that dangles from the end of your fishing line and is supposed to encourage fish to bite it. It is the fisherman's equivalent of sports cards, comic books, buttons, lint, and other things you collect that generally have no purpose.

REEL - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

ROD - An attractively-painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

TACKLE - What your last catch did to you right after you brought him into the boat and right before he jumped back overboard.

TACKLE BOX - A box shaped alarmingly like a good first aid kit, only a tackle box carries an extremely large number of sharp objects, so that when you reach in blindly to grab an adhesive bandage, you soon find that you will need more than one.

TEST - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity when trying to come up with yet another explanation for why you have come home once again empty-handed.

###################

CleanPun

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in the group?
Answer: Just look for the grey hares.

######################

One Liner

"Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work."

####################

CleanQuote

"A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt."

###################

"The Deeds Undone"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

It isn't the thing you do, friend, it's the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you the bitter heartache, at the setting of the sun:
The tender words unspoken, the letter you did not write,
The flowers you might have sent, are your haunting ghosts at night.

The stone you might have lifted, out of a dear friend's way,
The bit of heart-some counsel you were hurried too much to say:
The loving touch of a helping hand, the gentle and winsome tone,
That you had no time or thought for, with troubles enough of your own.

These little acts of kindness, so easily out of mind,
These chances to be angels, which even mortals find.
They come in night and silence, each chill reproachful wraith,
When hope is faint and flagging, and a blight has dropped on faith.

For life is all too short, friend, and sorrow is all to great,
To suffer our slow compassion, that tarries until too late.
So, it's not the things you do, it's the deeds you leave undone,
Which gives you a bitter heartache, at the setting of the sun.
- Bertha A. Lawson

Today's hUMOR

"Important Political Decisions"

As a recent high-school graduate, I traveled to our state capitol and got to visit the house floor.

I stood there, thinking how difficult it must be for the people in that room to wrestle with important decisions that affect so many citizens.

It was then that I spied, sitting on one representative's desk, a Magic 8-Ball

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanPun

"Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round; cornbread R square!"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanPun

"Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round; cornbread R square!"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

One Liner

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

One Liner

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen."

Today's hUMOR

The Tooth Fairy

I was playing Tooth Fairy when my daughter
suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand,
she cried out, "I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation
for why I was putting the money under her
pillow instead of the Tooth Fairy. But her
next words let me off the hook. "You put that
money back!" she said indignantly. "The Tooth
Fairy left that for ME!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The Tooth Fairy

I was playing Tooth Fairy when my daughter
suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand,
she cried out, "I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation
for why I was putting the money under her
pillow instead of the Tooth Fairy. But her
next words let me off the hook. "You put that
money back!" she said indignantly. "The Tooth
Fairy left that for ME!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Blue Eyes

While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer
asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make
her husband's blue eyes stand out.

"Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand
out if you tie it tight enough."