Bunion Removal
I went to my podiatrist to have a bunion removed. When the treatment ended, I asked if another appointment would be necessary. He said,"No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back."
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I know what I want to be...
A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned. At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades. She was brought back to earth when she continued, "I want to be a zamboni driver!"
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How blonde was she?
a.. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juicebox because it said "concentrate."b.. she put lipstick on her forehead because shewanted to make up her mind.c.. she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.d.. she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.e.. she tried to drown a fish.f.. she thought a quarterback was a refund.g.. she got locked in a grocery store and starved to deathh.. she tripped over a cordless phone.i.. she took a ruler to bed to see how long sheslept.j.. she asked for a price check at the dollar store.k.. she studied for a pretest.l.. she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.m.. when she heard that 90% of all crimes occuraround the home, she moved.n.. when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bustwice instead.o.. when she took you to the airport and saw a sign thatsaid "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
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Beethoven's Grave
A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where its coming from.
She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, Ludwig van Beethoven.Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her.By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music."Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!!"
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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Golden retriever: "The sun is out, the day is young and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?"Border Collie: "Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code."Lab: "Oh, me! Me! Pleeese let me change the bulb! Can I? Can I?"Rottweiler: "Make me"Old English Sheepdog: "Light bulb? I don't see a light bulb."Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is, how long will it be before I can expect light?"My Cat: "I prefer the dark"
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Pun-ishment
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.To write with a broken pencil is pointless.When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.The dead batteries were given out free of charge.If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.A will is a dead giveaway.Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.A backward poet writes inverse.In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.A calendar's days are numbered.A boiled egg is hard to beat.He had a photographic memory which was never developed.A plateau is a high form of flattery.Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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Doctor ... It hurts when I do this.
Comments on medical record statements:"The skin was moist and dry." - and hot and cold?"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." -quite the over-achieving turtle"The patient was in his usual state of good health untilhis airplane ran out of gas and crashed." - That will change things in a hurry"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead." - I would chose stock broker as well."When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room." - Don't we all hate when that happens?"She is numb from her toes down." - Not much of a problem then."The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately." - Pediatricians cry at weddings too
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Healthy CompetitionThe shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,reading ... LOWEST PRICES.The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.