Open HouseA few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him."Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have monsters in our sewer."
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A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked during the office
renovation and, as a result, a sharp spur stuck out from the side. The site
supervisor came over with a worker, pointed to the pole, and said, "That's
really sharp and could hurt someone. I want it filed down."
The worker reached out, touched it, and said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor
yelled "Don't touch it!"
When the worker looked at the blood welling up, the supervisor said, "Wow,
that *is* sharp!" and reached out and touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his
finger in his mouth, and walked away with the worker.
Five minutes later, the worker came back with an underling. "That's what
needs to be filed down," he said. "It's really sharp." The underling reached
out and touched it. "Ow!" he yelped and yanked his finger away.
Fortunately he filed it down right there and then before anyone else could
verify how sharp it was.
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A courier came into our office with a bemused look on his face. He had been
looking for building address number 70, and in his words, "The street
numbers jumped from 69 (next door) to 71 (our building)."
I suggested, in my most sincere voice, that he might try across the road.
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Three Wise WomenYou do know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise Men, don't you?They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
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I don't know that it's true but it sure is funny,
THE TRUE ART OF SPIN...Judy, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton at NY.Gov for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters cropped Remus' picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
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Movie Seats"
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
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CleanQuote
"Advent, like its cousin Lent, is a season for prayer and reformation of our hearts. Since it comes at winter time, fire is a fitting sign to help us celebrate Advent…If Christ is to come more fully into our lives this Christmas, if God is to become really incarnate for us, then fire will have to be present in our prayer. Our worship and devotion will have to stoke the kind of fire in our souls that can truly change our hearts. Ours is a great responsibility not to waste this Advent time."- Edward Hays, A Pilgrim’s Almanac, p. 187
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Pet Peeves of Department Store Santa's
1. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not
gin.
2. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
3. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch."
4. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your
hip flask.
5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
6. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
7. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he
got back from "Nam."
8. Two words: lap rash.
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I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family's lack of
holiday rituals. "My family doesn't have any traditions," she complained.
"We just do the same thing year after year after year."
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Inspected by # 6. Stepped in # 2.