hUMOR For April 19th

Bumpers

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this

woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped

the car in front, then backed up and hit the car behind her.

This went on about two minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was

declined. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to

use them once in a while?"

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TRUE STORIES

Trash-eating moose on the rise in Alaska

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (UPI) -- Alaskans could soon be hit with bigger fines for not doing their part to keep moose out of their trash if state natural resources officials have their way.

Moose in the Anchorage area, in particular, appear to have gotten into the habit of foraging through people's trash for food in recent years, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game said.

"Moose aren't naturally inclined to eat out of garbage cans, but if they're around people enough, they'll learn to get into them," biologist Rick Sinnott told the Anchorage Daily News.

Experts have cited concerns about moose ingesting plastic bags and other garbage as they graze city trash cans.

Fish and Game and the Department of Public Safety called on the Alaska Supreme Court to raise the $100 fine for feeding moose, bears and other animals to $300, enforcement specialist Al Cain said. The higher fine could be put in place this month.

Trash-eating moose on the rise in Alaska

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (UPI) -- Alaskans could soon be hit with bigger fines for not doing their part to keep moose out of their trash if state natural resources officials have their way.

Moose in the Anchorage area, in particular, appear to have gotten into the habit of foraging through people's trash for food in recent years, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game said.

"Moose aren't naturally inclined to eat out of garbage cans, but if they're around people enough, they'll learn to get into them," biologist Rick Sinnott told the Anchorage Daily News.

Experts have cited concerns about moose ingesting plastic bags and other garbage as they graze city trash cans.

Fish and Game and the Department of Public Safety called on the Alaska Supreme Court to raise the $100 fine for feeding moose, bears and other animals to $300, enforcement specialist Al Cain said. The higher fine could be put in place this month.

Trash-eating moose on the rise in Alaska

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (UPI) -- Alaskans could soon be hit with bigger fines for not doing their part to keep moose out of their trash if state natural resources officials have their way.

Moose in the Anchorage area, in particular, appear to have gotten into the habit of foraging through people's trash for food in recent years, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game said.

"Moose aren't naturally inclined to eat out of garbage cans, but if they're around people enough, they'll learn to get into them," biologist Rick Sinnott told the Anchorage Daily News.

Experts have cited concerns about moose ingesting plastic bags and other garbage as they graze city trash cans.

Fish and Game and the Department of Public Safety called on the Alaska Supreme Court to raise the $100 fine for feeding moose, bears and other animals to $300, enforcement specialist Al Cain said. The higher fine could be put in place this month.

Engineers win $1000 for 156-step burger

WEST LAFAYETTE, Ind. (UPI) -- A team of engineers from Indiana's Purdue University have been awarded $1,000 for their creation of an elaborate 156-step hamburger-making machine.

Purdue won Saturday's annual Rube Goldberg Machine Contest, a competition in which engineering students from across the country create devices to perform basic jobs with the most possible number of steps, the Lafayette (Ind.) Journal and Courier reported.

"With all the hard work we've put into this machine, it's just fantastic," said Drew Wischer, Purdue Society of Professional Engineers team captain.

More than 1,500 people attended the competition at Purdue University to watch machines from seven U.S. universities creatively assemble hamburgers with at least one meat patty, two vegetables and two condiments in a pair of buns.

The winning machine featured King Kong scaling New York's Empire State Building, London's Big Ben clock and the Eiffel Tower in Paris among numerous other well-known structures.

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Happy Old Man

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six!” he said.

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Top 35 Oxymorons

35. State worker

34. Legally drunk

33. Exact estimate

32. Act naturally

31. Found missing

30. Resident alien

29. Genuine imitation

28. Airline Food

27. Good grief

26. Government organization

25. Sanitary landfill

24. Alone together

23. Small crowd

22. Business ethics

21. Soft rock

20. Butt Head

19. Military Intelligence

18. Sweet sorrow

17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)

16. "Now, then ..."

15. Passive aggression

14. Clearly misunderstood

13. Peace force

12. Extinct Life

11. Plastic glasses

10. Terribly pleased

9. Computer security

8. Political science

7. Tight slacks

6. Definite maybe

5. Pretty ugly

4. Rap music

3. Working vacation

2. Religious tolerance

1. Microsoft Works

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Spel Chek

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

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"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be

the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the

bottom." -Jay Leno

***

"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming

out. It's called 'Intimately Beckham.' Apparently, it's a

delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete's foot."

-Craig Ferguson