Chinese AstronautsChina's leading Xinhua news agency reported the successful launch of the Shenzhou VII. The report came with astronaut chatter, gave detailed moment to moment tracking over the Pacific Ocean, included technicians staring at the launch screens, and was window dressed with clapping, cheering, and everything else you've seen before in science fiction films.Trouble is it was announced hours before the launch happened.China would only explain it as a "technical problem."Watch for China's announcement tomorrow that the problem was traced back to the time machine they invented next month.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New Bell Ringer
After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!” “No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?” “I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “But his face sure rings a bell.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dumb Sky Diver
An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land. The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, “I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tough Problem
Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get? Student: The wrong answer.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Locked Mercedes
There were these two blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to there Mercedes vehicle. They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a close hanger. The first blonde said, “You need to try harder. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Innovative Farmer
Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller? He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Entertaining Idiots
I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence.” It didn’t sell very well. I thought with the short attention span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The 2nd edition went: “To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence.” It’s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is going to go: “Re-read this line.” Trouble is, I’m not as sharp as I used to be, so it’s become my favorite book to curl up with on a rainy day. It absorbs me for hours.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Antennas
Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Gnu Joke
The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Two teenage girls in Georgia robbed a bank. I have to say
one thing. It's nice to see young women stealing money
without the help of divorce lawyers." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Crazy day today. We had a car chase. We have a lot of car
chases here in L.A. It's actually encouraged by police.
They say, either pull over or run as fast as you can."
--Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The other day an American Airlines employee tried to let
former Vice President Al Gore bypass airport security, but
guards stopped Gore and made him go through the metal
detector. The head of security said, 'We had to search Al
Gore. He could have been armed with a speech.'"
--Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner
where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, have you
seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the
officer asks.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his
ears in his left hand."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of
the Pope with his class. One student asked how they chose
the new Pope.
The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So the
Cardinals pick him."
A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why
would they let a baseball team pick the next Pope?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Last week John McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong. This week, he said it's the worst crisis since World War II. So he suspended his campaign, unless you count doing interviews, airing attack ads, sending out surrogates on TV to attack Obama." --Bill Maher "President Bush spoke about the Wall Street bailout yesterday, and he said, this is the quote, 'if the money isn't loosened up, this sucker could go down.' So folks, if we know nothing else at this point, at least we know that President Bush is writing his own speeches." --Conan O'Brien "The nation's largest savings and loan, Washington Mutual, has become the biggest bank failure in history. See, the problem with the savings and loans? Not enough savings, too many stupid loans, okay In fact, they changed their name from WaMu to 'screw you.'" --Jay Leno "The presidential debates had an unusual format. After blowing a question on Bosnia, John McCain was told to extinguish his torch and leave the island." --David Letterman "Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said that the proposed bailout plan will cost taxpayers $700 billion. To give you an idea how much money that is, I can't give you an idea of how much money that is." --Seth Meyers "A farmer in Ohio has carved a corn maze in his field in the likeness of Sarah Palin. The way it works? You you enter and suddenly realize you're way over your head." --Amy Poehler "McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn't a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes." --Bill Maher "John McCain said he wouldn't attend tonight's presidential debate unless Congress reached a bailout deal. Then McCain reversed his position and decided to take part anyway. That's what happened. McCain says he may drop out again, depending on what the first question is. He's going to play it by ear." --Conan O'Brien "But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn't that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there's less banks. B, the banks don't have any money left. And C, nobody's got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!" --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Blind Pilot
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms–both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin–but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die. . .”
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 16th
"Government Pipe Specifications"
Government Pipe Specifications
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"You never see a fish on the wall with its mouth shut."- Sally Berger
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Arrest Mistake" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly the light turns yellow just in front of him. He does the right thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." "I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Marathon FootballAfter spending all day Sunday watching football games on television, a man fell asleep in his lounge chair, spending the entire night in there.His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called."In whose favor?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"A new poll shows only 1 out of 4 people approve of the job
President Bush is doing. That means when he's having dinner
with his wife and two daughters, he's the only one at the
table who thinks he's doing a good job." -Jay Leno
***
"Sarah Palin is nothing if not diligent. She's working hard,
preparing for the debate with Joe Biden. Earlier today, in
Arizona, we heard she shot a donkey." -David Letterman
***
"The much-anticipated vice presidential debate takes place
tomorrow night. Sen. Joe Biden faces off with Alaska Gov.
Sarah Palin. Even though she's not expected to do well in
the debate, she is favored heavily in Friday's swimsuit
competition." -Jimmy Kimmel
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the
expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining
about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be
much lower."
My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying
an airline just to get free peanuts."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
As the horror movie was about to reach its terrifying con-
clusion, the young woman began fidgeting in her seat next
to her date.
The man sitting behind her leaned forward and inquired,
"Excuse me. Are you feeling hysterical?"
"No," she whispered. "He's feeling mine."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bank Line
With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was
standing in was moving very slowly. As I waited, I began to
fill in my withdrawal slip. Not sure of the date, I turned
and asked the woman behind me.
"It's the fifth," she replied.
A man from the back of the line advised, "Don't write it in
yet!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
All the Cookies
The teacher asked Mary, “If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?” Mary immediately answered, “Seven!” The teacher was puzzled and asked “Why seven?” “You really think I would give David any of my cookies?”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Long Marriage
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tiger Woods
One day, when a golfer was playing golf, some tourists pointed and said 'Tiger Woods!! Tiger Woods!!' The golfer was happy for a split second before a tiger came out of the woods and ate him up.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Not Seen
The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Stolen cash allegedly used to pay fine
INYOKERN, Calif. (UPI) -- Police in Inyokern, Calif., say five men were charged with stealing up to $8,000 from the walls of a restaurant after one used the bills to pay a court fine. Investigators said one of the alleged thieves used 10 bills, which had been marked by Homestead customers before being tacked to the restaurant's wall, to pay a fine and the money was recognized by a clerk, the Los Angeles Times reported Tuesday. Police said they have recovered about $1,000 of the money that once decorated the walls of the Homestead. "Part of the place's charm was all the old bills, all the memories," said Michael Scott, senior deputy in the Kern County sheriff's office. "Everybody in town knew exactly where they came from." Officers said one of the alleged thieves also was found to have Homestead thumbtacks stuck in the sole of one of his shoes.
///
Police: Education official stole ketchup
ORANGE, Calif. (UPI) -- Authorities said a trustee with California's Orange Unified School District has been charged with stealing a bottle of ketchup from a university cafeteria. Sgt. Dan Adams of the Orange Police Department said trustee Steve Rocco was detained by Chapman University public safety officers after he allegedly took the ketchup bottle from the cafeteria at about 10:30 a.m. Saturday, the Riverside (Calif.) Press-Enterprise reported Tuesday. "One of the security guards saw him take a 14-ounce bottle of ketchup off of one of the tables," Adams said. "He concealed it and started to ride away on a bike." Adams said Rocco was detained by campus security while Orange police were called. Rocco was cited on a charge of petty theft and released. He could face a fine of up to $250.
///
66.6 mile marker repeatedly stolen
TRENTON, N.J. (UPI) -- The New Jersey Turnpike Authority said a metal sign at mile marker 66.6 has been stolen at least four times in the past two years. Joe Orlando, a spokesman for the authority, said officials have no idea who has been stealing the signs, WABC-TV, New York, reported Tuesday. "Maybe it's just some kids with a devil-may-care attitude," Orlando said. He said the mile marker, which costs about $50 to replace each time it is stolen, is located in a sparsely populated area that is far from entrances or exits to the highway. "Given the symbolism of the number and the fact that it is obviously done in the middle of night, and in the middle of nowhere, I can safely say that I'm not eager to meet the rocket scientists doing it," Orlando said. The number 666 is is the "Number of the Beast" in the Book of Revelation in the New Testament.
///
Cow costume clad woman gets jail
MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (UPI) -- A Middletown, Ohio, court has sentenced a woman to a month in jail after she admitted to chasing children and blocking traffic while dressed as a cow. Michele Allen, 32, pleaded guilty to one count of disorderly conduct after police said she dressed as a cow Saturday night and chased children after urinating on a neighbor's porch, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported Tuesday. Allen was ordered by an officer to go home and remain there for the evening, but later in the evening authorities received a call that a woman in a cow costume was blocking traffic. Police said she had alcohol on her breath when an officer arrived and she shouted and swore at the officer. She was sentenced to one month in the Middletown Jail.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Lucrative Occupations
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Government Pipe Specifications
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"You never see a fish on the wall with its mouth shut."- Sally Berger
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Arrest Mistake" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly the light turns yellow just in front of him. He does the right thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." "I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Marathon FootballAfter spending all day Sunday watching football games on television, a man fell asleep in his lounge chair, spending the entire night in there.His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called."In whose favor?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"A new poll shows only 1 out of 4 people approve of the job
President Bush is doing. That means when he's having dinner
with his wife and two daughters, he's the only one at the
table who thinks he's doing a good job." -Jay Leno
***
"Sarah Palin is nothing if not diligent. She's working hard,
preparing for the debate with Joe Biden. Earlier today, in
Arizona, we heard she shot a donkey." -David Letterman
***
"The much-anticipated vice presidential debate takes place
tomorrow night. Sen. Joe Biden faces off with Alaska Gov.
Sarah Palin. Even though she's not expected to do well in
the debate, she is favored heavily in Friday's swimsuit
competition." -Jimmy Kimmel
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the
expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining
about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be
much lower."
My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying
an airline just to get free peanuts."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
As the horror movie was about to reach its terrifying con-
clusion, the young woman began fidgeting in her seat next
to her date.
The man sitting behind her leaned forward and inquired,
"Excuse me. Are you feeling hysterical?"
"No," she whispered. "He's feeling mine."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bank Line
With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was
standing in was moving very slowly. As I waited, I began to
fill in my withdrawal slip. Not sure of the date, I turned
and asked the woman behind me.
"It's the fifth," she replied.
A man from the back of the line advised, "Don't write it in
yet!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
All the Cookies
The teacher asked Mary, “If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?” Mary immediately answered, “Seven!” The teacher was puzzled and asked “Why seven?” “You really think I would give David any of my cookies?”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Long Marriage
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tiger Woods
One day, when a golfer was playing golf, some tourists pointed and said 'Tiger Woods!! Tiger Woods!!' The golfer was happy for a split second before a tiger came out of the woods and ate him up.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Not Seen
The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Stolen cash allegedly used to pay fine
INYOKERN, Calif. (UPI) -- Police in Inyokern, Calif., say five men were charged with stealing up to $8,000 from the walls of a restaurant after one used the bills to pay a court fine. Investigators said one of the alleged thieves used 10 bills, which had been marked by Homestead customers before being tacked to the restaurant's wall, to pay a fine and the money was recognized by a clerk, the Los Angeles Times reported Tuesday. Police said they have recovered about $1,000 of the money that once decorated the walls of the Homestead. "Part of the place's charm was all the old bills, all the memories," said Michael Scott, senior deputy in the Kern County sheriff's office. "Everybody in town knew exactly where they came from." Officers said one of the alleged thieves also was found to have Homestead thumbtacks stuck in the sole of one of his shoes.
///
Police: Education official stole ketchup
ORANGE, Calif. (UPI) -- Authorities said a trustee with California's Orange Unified School District has been charged with stealing a bottle of ketchup from a university cafeteria. Sgt. Dan Adams of the Orange Police Department said trustee Steve Rocco was detained by Chapman University public safety officers after he allegedly took the ketchup bottle from the cafeteria at about 10:30 a.m. Saturday, the Riverside (Calif.) Press-Enterprise reported Tuesday. "One of the security guards saw him take a 14-ounce bottle of ketchup off of one of the tables," Adams said. "He concealed it and started to ride away on a bike." Adams said Rocco was detained by campus security while Orange police were called. Rocco was cited on a charge of petty theft and released. He could face a fine of up to $250.
///
66.6 mile marker repeatedly stolen
TRENTON, N.J. (UPI) -- The New Jersey Turnpike Authority said a metal sign at mile marker 66.6 has been stolen at least four times in the past two years. Joe Orlando, a spokesman for the authority, said officials have no idea who has been stealing the signs, WABC-TV, New York, reported Tuesday. "Maybe it's just some kids with a devil-may-care attitude," Orlando said. He said the mile marker, which costs about $50 to replace each time it is stolen, is located in a sparsely populated area that is far from entrances or exits to the highway. "Given the symbolism of the number and the fact that it is obviously done in the middle of night, and in the middle of nowhere, I can safely say that I'm not eager to meet the rocket scientists doing it," Orlando said. The number 666 is is the "Number of the Beast" in the Book of Revelation in the New Testament.
///
Cow costume clad woman gets jail
MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (UPI) -- A Middletown, Ohio, court has sentenced a woman to a month in jail after she admitted to chasing children and blocking traffic while dressed as a cow. Michele Allen, 32, pleaded guilty to one count of disorderly conduct after police said she dressed as a cow Saturday night and chased children after urinating on a neighbor's porch, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported Tuesday. Allen was ordered by an officer to go home and remain there for the evening, but later in the evening authorities received a call that a woman in a cow costume was blocking traffic. Police said she had alcohol on her breath when an officer arrived and she shouted and swore at the officer. She was sentenced to one month in the Middletown Jail.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Lucrative Occupations
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 14th
Spelling Difficulties
The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first." Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court." The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin." Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..." The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo." Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Church Plaque
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Writing Home from College
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student at the University of Illinois. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary." "You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from our son in college, we have to go to the bank!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Golf Tips...
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft." The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?" The pro says, "Lack of flippin' talent."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Sleeping Leg
A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the
doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a
culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with
her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients
came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she
stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not
wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered
toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady
nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them
sympathetically watched her painful progress.
Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back
to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As
she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one
whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you
he was a wonderful doctor!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Man used Plexiglas dummy in carpool lane
RIVERHEAD, N.Y. (UPI) -- The Suffolk County, N.Y., Sheriff's Office says a man was ticketed after admitting to using a Plexiglas doll to drive in a carpool-only lane. The office said a deputy noticed Steven Dinowitz, 51, driving in a Long Island Expressway high-occupancy vehicle lane with a fake person riding the passenger seat, Newsday reported. "One of our deputy sheriffs, he noticed the front seat passenger looked ... unusual," said Michael Sharkey, the sheriff's chief of staff. "He stopped the vehicle, and it was a two- or three-piece construction of Plexiglas, dressed in clothing to appear to be a passenger." Sharkey said Dinowitz admitted to dressing the Plexiglas like a person to get to and from work faster. "You get enough people doing stuff like that, and it totally defeats the purpose of having an HOV lane," Sharkey said. "It's not limiting it to people who are carpooling." Dinowitz was ticketed and released.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Man used Plexiglas dummy in carpool lane
RIVERHEAD, N.Y. (UPI) -- The Suffolk County, N.Y., Sheriff's Office says a man was ticketed after admitting to using a Plexiglas doll to drive in a carpool-only lane. The office said a deputy noticed Steven Dinowitz, 51, driving in a Long Island Expressway high-occupancy vehicle lane with a fake person riding the passenger seat, Newsday reported. "One of our deputy sheriffs, he noticed the front seat passenger looked ... unusual," said Michael Sharkey, the sheriff's chief of staff. "He stopped the vehicle, and it was a two- or three-piece construction of Plexiglas, dressed in clothing to appear to be a passenger." Sharkey said Dinowitz admitted to dressing the Plexiglas like a person to get to and from work faster. "You get enough people doing stuff like that, and it totally defeats the purpose of having an HOV lane," Sharkey said. "It's not limiting it to people who are carpooling." Dinowitz was ticketed and released.
///
Couple spots stolen van 12 hours later
MILWAUKEE (UPI) -- A Wisconsin couple whose minivan was stolen in the morning got it back in the afternoon when they spotted it as they drove home from work. But Kevin and Holly Gray of Brown Deer say the 12-year-old vehicle suffered enough damage in the subsequent police chase and stop Tuesday afternoon that repairs aren't worth it. They plan to sell it for scrap. Still, they appreciate getting it back and seeing two alleged thieves arrested. The Grays were on I-43 heading north from Milwaukee to Brown Deer when they saw a familiar Dodge Caravan a little bit ahead of them. "We just both looked at each other for a moment," Holly Gray told the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. "I said, 'That looks like our van.' Kevin said, 'I think it is. Let me go and see if it is.'" There were four young men in the Caravan. Police stopped them and arrested a 16-year-old and a 19-year-old but the driver and another passenger escaped.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Age Question
An elderly woman arrived at a new doctor's office for her first appointment. The nurse was asking her questions about herself and typing the answers into the computer. The conversation abruptly turned for the worse, however, when the nurse asked the patient about her age. The conversation went something like this:
Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"The House of Representatives rejected the $700 billion
bailout. Those who voted no were actually evenly divided
among parties. It's heartening to see Congress put aside
party differences to come together to not get anything
done." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"A new government study has found that the average American
car weighs five-hundred pounds more than it did ten years
ago. However, this is only true if an average American is
sitting in the car." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass
Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge
difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas,
people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the
question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a
deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's
something wrong with her password.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just
shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk tech-
nician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you,
they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no
one standing behind me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Software EngineeringAt a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first." Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court." The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin." Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..." The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo." Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Church Plaque
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Writing Home from College
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student at the University of Illinois. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary." "You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from our son in college, we have to go to the bank!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Golf Tips...
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft." The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?" The pro says, "Lack of flippin' talent."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Sleeping Leg
A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the
doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a
culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with
her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients
came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she
stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not
wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered
toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady
nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them
sympathetically watched her painful progress.
Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back
to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As
she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one
whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you
he was a wonderful doctor!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Man used Plexiglas dummy in carpool lane
RIVERHEAD, N.Y. (UPI) -- The Suffolk County, N.Y., Sheriff's Office says a man was ticketed after admitting to using a Plexiglas doll to drive in a carpool-only lane. The office said a deputy noticed Steven Dinowitz, 51, driving in a Long Island Expressway high-occupancy vehicle lane with a fake person riding the passenger seat, Newsday reported. "One of our deputy sheriffs, he noticed the front seat passenger looked ... unusual," said Michael Sharkey, the sheriff's chief of staff. "He stopped the vehicle, and it was a two- or three-piece construction of Plexiglas, dressed in clothing to appear to be a passenger." Sharkey said Dinowitz admitted to dressing the Plexiglas like a person to get to and from work faster. "You get enough people doing stuff like that, and it totally defeats the purpose of having an HOV lane," Sharkey said. "It's not limiting it to people who are carpooling." Dinowitz was ticketed and released.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Man used Plexiglas dummy in carpool lane
RIVERHEAD, N.Y. (UPI) -- The Suffolk County, N.Y., Sheriff's Office says a man was ticketed after admitting to using a Plexiglas doll to drive in a carpool-only lane. The office said a deputy noticed Steven Dinowitz, 51, driving in a Long Island Expressway high-occupancy vehicle lane with a fake person riding the passenger seat, Newsday reported. "One of our deputy sheriffs, he noticed the front seat passenger looked ... unusual," said Michael Sharkey, the sheriff's chief of staff. "He stopped the vehicle, and it was a two- or three-piece construction of Plexiglas, dressed in clothing to appear to be a passenger." Sharkey said Dinowitz admitted to dressing the Plexiglas like a person to get to and from work faster. "You get enough people doing stuff like that, and it totally defeats the purpose of having an HOV lane," Sharkey said. "It's not limiting it to people who are carpooling." Dinowitz was ticketed and released.
///
Couple spots stolen van 12 hours later
MILWAUKEE (UPI) -- A Wisconsin couple whose minivan was stolen in the morning got it back in the afternoon when they spotted it as they drove home from work. But Kevin and Holly Gray of Brown Deer say the 12-year-old vehicle suffered enough damage in the subsequent police chase and stop Tuesday afternoon that repairs aren't worth it. They plan to sell it for scrap. Still, they appreciate getting it back and seeing two alleged thieves arrested. The Grays were on I-43 heading north from Milwaukee to Brown Deer when they saw a familiar Dodge Caravan a little bit ahead of them. "We just both looked at each other for a moment," Holly Gray told the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. "I said, 'That looks like our van.' Kevin said, 'I think it is. Let me go and see if it is.'" There were four young men in the Caravan. Police stopped them and arrested a 16-year-old and a 19-year-old but the driver and another passenger escaped.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Age Question
An elderly woman arrived at a new doctor's office for her first appointment. The nurse was asking her questions about herself and typing the answers into the computer. The conversation abruptly turned for the worse, however, when the nurse asked the patient about her age. The conversation went something like this:
Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"The House of Representatives rejected the $700 billion
bailout. Those who voted no were actually evenly divided
among parties. It's heartening to see Congress put aside
party differences to come together to not get anything
done." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"A new government study has found that the average American
car weighs five-hundred pounds more than it did ten years
ago. However, this is only true if an average American is
sitting in the car." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass
Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge
difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas,
people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the
question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a
deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's
something wrong with her password.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just
shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk tech-
nician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you,
they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no
one standing behind me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Software EngineeringAt a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Monday, October 13, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 13th
Real Politics
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mars
During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface. "Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man." At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut. "I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Question Answered
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Answering Machine
I purchased a telephone-answering machine with a prerecorded
message that used a male voice. When Mother returned from
vacation, I forgot to mention it to her.
The next Saturday, the phone rang and the machine answered.
After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up.
A second time and the same result. Then the phone rang a
third time. I heard, "This is your mother, I think. If I am,
please call me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
“Weird News
Cat survives 30-mile ride under camper
HADDINGTON, Scotland (UPI) -- Veterinarians in Haddington, Scotland, said they are searching for the owners of a cat that survived a 45-minute journey clinging to the bottom of a camper. Vets at the Haddington branch of the Links Vet Group said the cat was discovered by the Muirhouse, Scotland, owner of the camper after he spotted a tail coming from beneath the front bumper after driving about 30 miles, The Scotsman reported Wednesday. The veterinarians said the cat was unharmed but frightened and covered with diesel when discovered. "When you consider how long he must have been holding on for it's pretty amazing, because that would have included going along the bypass probably at a considerable speed," veterinary nurse Jennifer Jones said. Jones said the animal hospital does not believe the cat was a stray and they are now seeking its owner.
///
Man 'lost brakes' before golf course crash
DELMONT, Pa. (UPI) -- An elderly man whose high-speed run through a Pennsylvania golf course in a sports utility vehicle ended in a fiery crash told police he had a brake problem. Paul Lazear, 82, and his four passengers were pulled out of the flaming wreckage of the SUV by golfers at Cloverleaf Golf Course in Delmont. The vehicle struck a parked golf cart and bounced off five trees before bursting into flames and coming to a rest, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported Wednesday. Police said Lazear told officers he '"lost his brakes and couldn't stop," the Posts-Gazette said. Lazear and his wife Carol, 72, were hospitalized with minor injuries and two other passengers, Ruth Daniels, 83, and Flora Lee Katz, 74, were hospitalized in moderate condition. The fifth person in the vehicle, Bertram Katz, 80, was airlifted to a hospital. Doctors said all five are expected to recover. The driver told police he had lost control of his brakes in the course's parking lot and wound up on the course.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Phone ServiceClassmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint."I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one."CTC? Who are they?""You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,
doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates
because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that
cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you
see a guy on a ledge, about to jump... throw him a dough-
nut." --Jay Leno
***
"A woman in California is being studied because she says
she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I'm
thinking, 'Wait a minute — isn't that every woman?'"
-Dave Letterman
***
"This week a man in Florida was arrested for hitting the
manager of a Taco Bell in the face with a bag full of
Tacos. Afterwards, the Taco Bell manager said, 'It's weird,
my tacos usually don't attack me until I'm in the bathroom.'"
-Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of
financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to
see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized
our marriage. "With this ring..." I began romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who
had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late
in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down
on my veranda for a few hours and relax.
In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad,
fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon
boating or playing golf or tennis...
When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the
finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my
veranda again."
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be
envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She
asked, "What's his wife's name?"
Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mars
During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface. "Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man." At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut. "I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Question Answered
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Answering Machine
I purchased a telephone-answering machine with a prerecorded
message that used a male voice. When Mother returned from
vacation, I forgot to mention it to her.
The next Saturday, the phone rang and the machine answered.
After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up.
A second time and the same result. Then the phone rang a
third time. I heard, "This is your mother, I think. If I am,
please call me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
“Weird News
Cat survives 30-mile ride under camper
HADDINGTON, Scotland (UPI) -- Veterinarians in Haddington, Scotland, said they are searching for the owners of a cat that survived a 45-minute journey clinging to the bottom of a camper. Vets at the Haddington branch of the Links Vet Group said the cat was discovered by the Muirhouse, Scotland, owner of the camper after he spotted a tail coming from beneath the front bumper after driving about 30 miles, The Scotsman reported Wednesday. The veterinarians said the cat was unharmed but frightened and covered with diesel when discovered. "When you consider how long he must have been holding on for it's pretty amazing, because that would have included going along the bypass probably at a considerable speed," veterinary nurse Jennifer Jones said. Jones said the animal hospital does not believe the cat was a stray and they are now seeking its owner.
///
Man 'lost brakes' before golf course crash
DELMONT, Pa. (UPI) -- An elderly man whose high-speed run through a Pennsylvania golf course in a sports utility vehicle ended in a fiery crash told police he had a brake problem. Paul Lazear, 82, and his four passengers were pulled out of the flaming wreckage of the SUV by golfers at Cloverleaf Golf Course in Delmont. The vehicle struck a parked golf cart and bounced off five trees before bursting into flames and coming to a rest, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported Wednesday. Police said Lazear told officers he '"lost his brakes and couldn't stop," the Posts-Gazette said. Lazear and his wife Carol, 72, were hospitalized with minor injuries and two other passengers, Ruth Daniels, 83, and Flora Lee Katz, 74, were hospitalized in moderate condition. The fifth person in the vehicle, Bertram Katz, 80, was airlifted to a hospital. Doctors said all five are expected to recover. The driver told police he had lost control of his brakes in the course's parking lot and wound up on the course.
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A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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Phone ServiceClassmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint."I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one."CTC? Who are they?""You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."
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"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,
doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates
because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that
cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you
see a guy on a ledge, about to jump... throw him a dough-
nut." --Jay Leno
***
"A woman in California is being studied because she says
she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I'm
thinking, 'Wait a minute — isn't that every woman?'"
-Dave Letterman
***
"This week a man in Florida was arrested for hitting the
manager of a Taco Bell in the face with a bag full of
Tacos. Afterwards, the Taco Bell manager said, 'It's weird,
my tacos usually don't attack me until I'm in the bathroom.'"
-Conan O'Brien
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My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of
financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to
see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized
our marriage. "With this ring..." I began romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded.
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Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who
had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late
in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down
on my veranda for a few hours and relax.
In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad,
fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon
boating or playing golf or tennis...
When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the
finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my
veranda again."
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be
envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She
asked, "What's his wife's name?"
Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."
Sunday, October 12, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 12th
God the Parent
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam asked. "Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied. "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Where?" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
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What $2 Can Buy
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?" "A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation. "Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?" "Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."
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Quickie Q&A
Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow! I'm learning ancient history?So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
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Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity . 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don ' t Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5.. < /SPAN>Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8 . Don ' t use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don ' t Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can ' t Attend Their Party Because You ' re Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Na me, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They ' re Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ....... therapy
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Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
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Broken
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, "There's plenty of time left!"
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A Penthouse in Heaven
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment. The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge. Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer. "A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important." "With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"
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"It's autumn in New York. You can tell too. Today I saw a
sidewalk vendor putting anti-freeze in the hot dog water."
--Dave Letterman
***
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has
Internet access and allows users to search the Internet
while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a
rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien
***
"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three
branches of government. Well, that's because the three
stooges are more likely to get something done."
-David Letterman
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Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.
Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward
questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets
old, fat and wrinkly."
"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of
course I DO...'"
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At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was
carrying a very long pole.
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The federal government... announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their (butts) with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher "Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno "The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'" --Conan O'Brien "So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom." --Jimmy Kimmel "Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000" --Seth Meyers "Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler "The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher "To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno "Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be." --Conan O'Brien "Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel "A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam asked. "Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied. "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Where?" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
What $2 Can Buy
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?" "A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation. "Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?" "Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Quickie Q&A
Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow! I'm learning ancient history?So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity . 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don ' t Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5.. < /SPAN>Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8 . Don ' t use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don ' t Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can ' t Attend Their Party Because You ' re Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Na me, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They ' re Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ....... therapy
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Broken
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, "There's plenty of time left!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Penthouse in Heaven
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment. The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge. Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer. "A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important." "With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"It's autumn in New York. You can tell too. Today I saw a
sidewalk vendor putting anti-freeze in the hot dog water."
--Dave Letterman
***
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has
Internet access and allows users to search the Internet
while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a
rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien
***
"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three
branches of government. Well, that's because the three
stooges are more likely to get something done."
-David Letterman
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.
Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward
questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets
old, fat and wrinkly."
"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of
course I DO...'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was
carrying a very long pole.
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The federal government... announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their (butts) with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher "Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno "The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'" --Conan O'Brien "So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom." --Jimmy Kimmel "Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000" --Seth Meyers "Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler "The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher "To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno "Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be." --Conan O'Brien "Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel "A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler
Saturday, October 11, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 11th
I like this concept. .. "A MUST READ"
I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.
Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend. To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00. My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a Dividend, We Deserve It.Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.A husband and wife has $595,000.00.What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.Repay college loans - what a great boost to new gradsPut away money for college - it'll be thereSave in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.Buy a new car - create jobsInvest in the market - capital drives growthPay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improvesEnable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or elseRemember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive that is being proposedby one of our candidates for President.If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult US Citizen 18+!As for AIG - liquidate it.Sell off its parts.Let American General go back to being American General.Sell off the real estate.Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work."But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!How do you spell Economic Boom?I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.And remember, The Family plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.Kindest personal regards, , A Creative Guy & Citizen of the RepublicPS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it's either good for a laugh or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!
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Bidding Higher
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
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For CFCC Students
Start Worrying When... You consider McDonalds 'real food'. 4.00AM is still early on weekends. You'd rather clean than study. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. Re-arranging your room is your favorite pastime. You schedule classes around sleep and TV soaps. There is less then $4.50 in your bank account at any given time. The Visa cards are full and the overdraft is up to its limit. Computer solitaire is more than a game, its a way of life. You get excited when you find change that someone carelessly left in the drinks machine.
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Read Aloud
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him. Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside." "What does she read?" asks Morris. "My life insurance policy."
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The Speeder
A Police Officer Pulls over a speeder and walks up to the driver. The driver says "I'm late for work Officer, I'm sorry I was speeding" The cop says, "Late for work are you ... well, I'll write you a late note."
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Repairing the Washing Machine
My wife and I were newly married and I was trying to impress
her with my technical expertise.
I was trying to repair our washing machine but was unable to
determine where a loose wire belonged. After working at it
for several minutes, I decided to consult the experts.
I took the wire along with all the details (model, serial
number, etc.) of my machine to a local repair shop. I
explained my situation to the technician, who looked at the
wire for several minutes. He said he thought it looked
familiar, but he couldn't tell me where it belonged either.
Taking the wire, he said he would have to consult with some
colleagues who were working in the back.
After several minutes, he reemerged with the wire in hand.
He said they decided the mystery wire had nothing to do with
the operation of my washing machine. It was the underwire
from one of my wife's bras.
I'm sure the technicians in the shop had a nice laugh at my
expense. I was still red-faced and embarrassed when I
returned home to tell my wife about my discovery.
And she hasn't stopped laughing yet!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
NFL Political Correctness
The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced yesterday its name changes for the upcoming season, as well as the first week's schedule that includes:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Vertically Gifted People on opening day.
Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
There are several key match ups, highlighted by the show down between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.
The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.
The Cincinnati Large Carnivorous Mammals from Bangladesh will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters.
And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.
Also featured, are the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Long LineThere she stood in the line at the post office, a line that wound its way almost out the front door.A fellow customer spoke to the elderly lady waiting to buy some stamps. "Ma'am, you must be very tired. Did you know there's a stamp machine over there in the corner?" He pointed to the machine built into the wall."Why yes, thank you," the lady replied, "but I'll just wait here a little while longer. I'm getting close to the window."The customer became insistent. "But it would be so much easier for you to avoid this long line and buy your stamps from the machine."The woman patted him on the arm and answered, "Oh, I know. But that old machine would never ask me how my grandchildren are doing."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Sports Car Dreams
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.
Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend. To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00. My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a Dividend, We Deserve It.Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.A husband and wife has $595,000.00.What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.Repay college loans - what a great boost to new gradsPut away money for college - it'll be thereSave in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.Buy a new car - create jobsInvest in the market - capital drives growthPay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improvesEnable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or elseRemember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive that is being proposedby one of our candidates for President.If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult US Citizen 18+!As for AIG - liquidate it.Sell off its parts.Let American General go back to being American General.Sell off the real estate.Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work."But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!How do you spell Economic Boom?I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.And remember, The Family plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.Kindest personal regards, , A Creative Guy & Citizen of the RepublicPS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it's either good for a laugh or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bidding Higher
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
For CFCC Students
Start Worrying When... You consider McDonalds 'real food'. 4.00AM is still early on weekends. You'd rather clean than study. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. Re-arranging your room is your favorite pastime. You schedule classes around sleep and TV soaps. There is less then $4.50 in your bank account at any given time. The Visa cards are full and the overdraft is up to its limit. Computer solitaire is more than a game, its a way of life. You get excited when you find change that someone carelessly left in the drinks machine.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Read Aloud
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him. Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside." "What does she read?" asks Morris. "My life insurance policy."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Speeder
A Police Officer Pulls over a speeder and walks up to the driver. The driver says "I'm late for work Officer, I'm sorry I was speeding" The cop says, "Late for work are you ... well, I'll write you a late note."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Repairing the Washing Machine
My wife and I were newly married and I was trying to impress
her with my technical expertise.
I was trying to repair our washing machine but was unable to
determine where a loose wire belonged. After working at it
for several minutes, I decided to consult the experts.
I took the wire along with all the details (model, serial
number, etc.) of my machine to a local repair shop. I
explained my situation to the technician, who looked at the
wire for several minutes. He said he thought it looked
familiar, but he couldn't tell me where it belonged either.
Taking the wire, he said he would have to consult with some
colleagues who were working in the back.
After several minutes, he reemerged with the wire in hand.
He said they decided the mystery wire had nothing to do with
the operation of my washing machine. It was the underwire
from one of my wife's bras.
I'm sure the technicians in the shop had a nice laugh at my
expense. I was still red-faced and embarrassed when I
returned home to tell my wife about my discovery.
And she hasn't stopped laughing yet!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
NFL Political Correctness
The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced yesterday its name changes for the upcoming season, as well as the first week's schedule that includes:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Vertically Gifted People on opening day.
Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
There are several key match ups, highlighted by the show down between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.
The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.
The Cincinnati Large Carnivorous Mammals from Bangladesh will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters.
And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.
Also featured, are the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Long LineThere she stood in the line at the post office, a line that wound its way almost out the front door.A fellow customer spoke to the elderly lady waiting to buy some stamps. "Ma'am, you must be very tired. Did you know there's a stamp machine over there in the corner?" He pointed to the machine built into the wall."Why yes, thank you," the lady replied, "but I'll just wait here a little while longer. I'm getting close to the window."The customer became insistent. "But it would be so much easier for you to avoid this long line and buy your stamps from the machine."The woman patted him on the arm and answered, "Oh, I know. But that old machine would never ask me how my grandchildren are doing."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Sports Car Dreams
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
Friday, October 10, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 10th
Motorcycle Ride
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons. Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened. The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?" The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Professional Aspirations
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Class ReunionI was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her."I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I'd never run for president. I've thought about it, and
the only reason I'm not is that I'm scared no woman would
come forward and say she had an affair with me."
--Garry Shandling
***
"Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money,
they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor,
they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given
them too much money." --George Carlin
***
"Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is
developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on
your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine
Dead in Interstate Pileup.'" --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One
lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading
mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work
shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse me," I ventured, "your
sleeve is in the mayo."
"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
After I asked for a half-pound salmon fillet at my super-
market's seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile
and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely eight ounces.
Impressed, I asked, "How did you know?"
Looking pleased with himself, he declared, "I'm psychotic."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bravest of the Brave
Top brass from the Army, Navy, and Marine Corps were arguing
about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the
dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.
The Army general called a private over and ordered him to
climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The
Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands and
salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish
the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute
smartly, and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and
landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the Army and
Navy men had done, but in full battle gear, with pack filled
with bricks and loaded weapon carried high. He took one look
at the Marine general and said, "You're out of your mind,
sir!"
The Marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S
guts!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Phone Call
A young boy answers the phone. A man says, "Hello is your dad around?" The boy whispers, "Yes." The man then asks if he can talk to him. "He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers. "Then is your mom there?" "Yes" the boy whispers. "Can I talk to her?" "No, she's busy," the boy whispers. "Is there anyone else there?" "Yes" whispered the boy. "Who?" the man asked. "A policeman," came the whispered reply. "Well, can I talk to him?" "He's busy too," the boy whispered. "Is there anyone else there then?" "Yes" whispered the boy. "Who then?" the man asked. "A fireman," the boy whispered. "Can I talk to him?" "No," the boy whispered, "he's busy." Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing. "Looking for me." the boy whispered.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Swimming Lesson
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..." "This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my kid sister will appreciate it." "Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Insurance
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up. "Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?" "Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Ski Trip
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Always Right
Frustrated at always being corrected by her husband, my aunt decided the next time it happened, she would have a comeback.
That moment finally arrived, and she was ready. "You know," she challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day!"
My uncle looked at her and replied, "Twice."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
TenseAn English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?""Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... ???"
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons. Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened. The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?" The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Professional Aspirations
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Class ReunionI was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her."I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I'd never run for president. I've thought about it, and
the only reason I'm not is that I'm scared no woman would
come forward and say she had an affair with me."
--Garry Shandling
***
"Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money,
they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor,
they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given
them too much money." --George Carlin
***
"Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is
developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on
your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine
Dead in Interstate Pileup.'" --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One
lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading
mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work
shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse me," I ventured, "your
sleeve is in the mayo."
"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
After I asked for a half-pound salmon fillet at my super-
market's seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile
and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely eight ounces.
Impressed, I asked, "How did you know?"
Looking pleased with himself, he declared, "I'm psychotic."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bravest of the Brave
Top brass from the Army, Navy, and Marine Corps were arguing
about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the
dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.
The Army general called a private over and ordered him to
climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The
Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands and
salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish
the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute
smartly, and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and
landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the Army and
Navy men had done, but in full battle gear, with pack filled
with bricks and loaded weapon carried high. He took one look
at the Marine general and said, "You're out of your mind,
sir!"
The Marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S
guts!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Phone Call
A young boy answers the phone. A man says, "Hello is your dad around?" The boy whispers, "Yes." The man then asks if he can talk to him. "He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers. "Then is your mom there?" "Yes" the boy whispers. "Can I talk to her?" "No, she's busy," the boy whispers. "Is there anyone else there?" "Yes" whispered the boy. "Who?" the man asked. "A policeman," came the whispered reply. "Well, can I talk to him?" "He's busy too," the boy whispered. "Is there anyone else there then?" "Yes" whispered the boy. "Who then?" the man asked. "A fireman," the boy whispered. "Can I talk to him?" "No," the boy whispered, "he's busy." Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing. "Looking for me." the boy whispered.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Swimming Lesson
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..." "This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my kid sister will appreciate it." "Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Insurance
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up. "Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?" "Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Ski Trip
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Always Right
Frustrated at always being corrected by her husband, my aunt decided the next time it happened, she would have a comeback.
That moment finally arrived, and she was ready. "You know," she challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day!"
My uncle looked at her and replied, "Twice."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
TenseAn English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?""Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... ???"
Thursday, October 09, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 9th
Sick Leave
I really needed a few days off from work, but I knew the
boss wouldn't give me time off. I thought that maybe if I
acted "crazy," then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny
noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her
that I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss might
think I was desperately in need of a few days off.
A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and
asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and rest for a couple of days." I
jumped down and walked out of the office.
However, when my co-worker started to follow me, our boss
called out, "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Suspended PracticeSuspicious delay on football fieldsee also Sports Section
Winnipeg Blue Bomber football practice was delayed on Sunday for nearly two hours at Canada Inns Stadium. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the field. The head coach immediately suspended practice while the RCMP were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the RCMP determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the RCMP decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
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Life ObservationsHow to tell who the sucker is...see also Relationships SectionLife's Little SecretsLife's ReflectionsLife Sucks
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.2. Some people are like a Slinky, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that's not going to happen.”4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day... lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?15. You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.16. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.17. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.18. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs, then you lean too far and you almost fall over backwards but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.19. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait two and half months for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you had come to me sooner.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Great Lines by Soccer Commentators
Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.
If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dog GroomingA friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged. "I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the
works. Today, Congress declared, 'The days of getting money
just for the asking, are over.' Then, they asked for $700
billion." -Jay Leno
***
"The past several days, President Bush has been speaking
out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter
asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset
and said, 'Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'"
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin presented an award last
night. It's great to see that grizzled old timer still get
the laughs. And Rickles is funny, too." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both
wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange
comments and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child
stared with amazement at my father. She finally got the
courage to ask, "Are you a genie?"
Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and
decided to humor the child.
He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."
The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both
wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange
comments and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child
stared with amazement at my father. She finally got the
courage to ask, "Are you a genie?"
Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and
decided to humor the child.
He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."
The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Las Vegas Churches
This may come as a surprise to those not living in Las
Vegas, but it is a very spiritual city, with more Catholic
churches than casinos!
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will
give casino chips rather than cash when the donation tray is
passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the
churches have devised a method of turning the chips into
cash.
They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan
monastery, where the patient and detail-oriented men sort
and count the chips. The chips are then taken to the casinos
of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming, did you?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Getting Gray?
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids
It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter. Dogs cannot lie. Dogs never resist nap time. You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog. Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid. Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes. Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old. Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public. Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42 Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000
I really needed a few days off from work, but I knew the
boss wouldn't give me time off. I thought that maybe if I
acted "crazy," then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny
noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her
that I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss might
think I was desperately in need of a few days off.
A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and
asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and rest for a couple of days." I
jumped down and walked out of the office.
However, when my co-worker started to follow me, our boss
called out, "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Suspended PracticeSuspicious delay on football fieldsee also Sports Section
Winnipeg Blue Bomber football practice was delayed on Sunday for nearly two hours at Canada Inns Stadium. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the field. The head coach immediately suspended practice while the RCMP were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the RCMP determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the RCMP decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Life ObservationsHow to tell who the sucker is...see also Relationships SectionLife's Little SecretsLife's ReflectionsLife Sucks
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.2. Some people are like a Slinky, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that's not going to happen.”4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day... lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?15. You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.16. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.17. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.18. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs, then you lean too far and you almost fall over backwards but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.19. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait two and half months for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you had come to me sooner.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Great Lines by Soccer Commentators
Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.
If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dog GroomingA friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged. "I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the
works. Today, Congress declared, 'The days of getting money
just for the asking, are over.' Then, they asked for $700
billion." -Jay Leno
***
"The past several days, President Bush has been speaking
out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter
asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset
and said, 'Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'"
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin presented an award last
night. It's great to see that grizzled old timer still get
the laughs. And Rickles is funny, too." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both
wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange
comments and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child
stared with amazement at my father. She finally got the
courage to ask, "Are you a genie?"
Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and
decided to humor the child.
He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."
The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both
wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange
comments and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child
stared with amazement at my father. She finally got the
courage to ask, "Are you a genie?"
Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and
decided to humor the child.
He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."
The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Las Vegas Churches
This may come as a surprise to those not living in Las
Vegas, but it is a very spiritual city, with more Catholic
churches than casinos!
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will
give casino chips rather than cash when the donation tray is
passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the
churches have devised a method of turning the chips into
cash.
They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan
monastery, where the patient and detail-oriented men sort
and count the chips. The chips are then taken to the casinos
of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming, did you?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Getting Gray?
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids
It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter. Dogs cannot lie. Dogs never resist nap time. You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog. Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid. Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes. Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old. Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public. Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42 Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 8th
"In an effort to promote healthy eating McDonald's has
decided to stop offering supersized fries and drinks. The
odd part is that you can still get a bacon milkshake."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"The government had to bail out two huge companies, and
today they strongly hinted that they'd bail out others...
at taxpayers' expense of course. It's all part of a new
approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are
taking — it's called socialism." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. I saw a Drew Carey
game there. You know you've made it when there's a game
named after you. It was called The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet."
-Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning
when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash. As she
nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of
coins in the back of the register. "Do you want the rolls
too?" she asked.
"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when
you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I
could not please any of them.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Extremely Old
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Power Lesson"
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
FREE ONE DOLLAR BILLS! Please send $4.95 to cover postage & handling- limit 1 per order.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Synthetic Diamond"
An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Lawyer Jury”
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 p.m.and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Picture MenuI stopped at the local Burger King for a cold soda and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course I asked how such a customer would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic,"Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Vice President Dick Cheney visited Saudi Arabia over the
weekend, and he's very popular in Saudi Arabia, over there
he's known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman
***
"Here's an interesting statistic - according to "Cosmo",
over 30 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 34 still
live with their parents. These men are known as "Star Wars"
fans." --Jay Leno
***
"According to a national organization that studies obesity,
nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third
of the country. In other words, geographically, America has
a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while
I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a
red light without stopping. I told him that he had auto-
matically failed the test. We met up with his mother back
at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first
she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran
a red light?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine
when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order.
I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink
called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd
never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it
up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back
and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if
he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the
customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"
He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said,
pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Class Pictures
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Managerium
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice- neutrons all going round in circles. Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Quick Funny
Q: Did you hear about the unique platypus? A: He was unlike all the otters.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Frog Noise, please
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
decided to stop offering supersized fries and drinks. The
odd part is that you can still get a bacon milkshake."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"The government had to bail out two huge companies, and
today they strongly hinted that they'd bail out others...
at taxpayers' expense of course. It's all part of a new
approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are
taking — it's called socialism." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. I saw a Drew Carey
game there. You know you've made it when there's a game
named after you. It was called The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet."
-Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning
when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash. As she
nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of
coins in the back of the register. "Do you want the rolls
too?" she asked.
"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when
you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I
could not please any of them.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Extremely Old
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Power Lesson"
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
FREE ONE DOLLAR BILLS! Please send $4.95 to cover postage & handling- limit 1 per order.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Synthetic Diamond"
An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Lawyer Jury”
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 p.m.and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Picture MenuI stopped at the local Burger King for a cold soda and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course I asked how such a customer would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic,"Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Vice President Dick Cheney visited Saudi Arabia over the
weekend, and he's very popular in Saudi Arabia, over there
he's known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman
***
"Here's an interesting statistic - according to "Cosmo",
over 30 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 34 still
live with their parents. These men are known as "Star Wars"
fans." --Jay Leno
***
"According to a national organization that studies obesity,
nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third
of the country. In other words, geographically, America has
a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while
I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a
red light without stopping. I told him that he had auto-
matically failed the test. We met up with his mother back
at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first
she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran
a red light?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine
when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order.
I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink
called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd
never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it
up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back
and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if
he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the
customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"
He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said,
pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Class Pictures
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Managerium
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice- neutrons all going round in circles. Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Quick Funny
Q: Did you hear about the unique platypus? A: He was unlike all the otters.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Frog Noise, please
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
hUJMOR For Oct 7th
Getting Old...
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th. "I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Barbecue?
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Multiple Choice
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
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Twins
Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant. The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"
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Scenery
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery. "Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
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Patience
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."
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School Lunch
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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Personnel
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show that is! Did you see Sarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson? Did you all watch that? In fact, John McCain was watching it at home, and at one point, he turned to his wife and said, 'She looks really familiar.'" --Jay Leno "The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'" --Conan O'Brien "I mean, look how she handles Geppetto here from the Folksy Wood Carver network [on screen: Palin's interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson. In this segment, he asks her about the Bush doctrine]. Yeah, whatever, Charlie. Do you know what the Bush doctrine is? I don't think Bush knows what the Bush doctrine is. The point is this, she doesn't need to know the Bush doctrine. She is the Bush doctrine. Her foreign policy experience consists of being able to see Russia from an island in Alaska. And a refueling layover in Ireland. Now that might give some people who are asked to be vice president, pause. But we have a word for those kinds of people. Communists [on screen: Palin saying she didn't blink when accepting the vice presidential slot]. Total certainty would be such a refreshing change of pace in the White House." --Jon Stewart "For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.'" --Jay Leno "On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan." --Conan O'Brien "Now, of course, we all know that John McCain has said that as governor, Sarah Palin requested no earmarks. It turns out it's almost true. The senator was only off by $453 million [on screen: Gibson outlining Palin's earmark requests, including $2 million to learn more about crab mating habits]." Jon Stewart "And despite all the animosity in this campaign, you know, John McCain and Joe Biden are actually old friends from the Senate. They've been friends for years. In fact, they go back so far that when they first met, McCain had hair, and Joe Biden didn't." --Jay Leno "This weekend in New York City, gays and lesbians staged a protest, demanding the right to get married. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, now gays want to marry lesbians?'" --Conan O'Brien
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Cooking Woes
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
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Life's Crazy Rules
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money. * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five. * Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it. * Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
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Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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25 Things Worth Thinking About
1) Give God what's RIGHT -- not what's LEFT.
2) Man's way leads to hopeless end; God's way leads to
endless hope.
3) A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4) He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5) In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma, but
never let him be the period.
6) Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7) Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a
faith-lift.
8) When praying, don't give God instructions -- just report
for duty.
9) Don't wait for six strong men to take you to the church.
10) We don't change God's message; His message changes us.
11) All churches should be prayer-conditioned.
12) When God ordains, He sustains.
13) WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14) Plan ahead -- it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15) Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory
position.
16) Suffering from truth decay? Brush up with your Bible on
a daily basis.
17) Exercise daily! Walk with the Lord.
18) Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to
drive.
19) Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20) Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps
coming back.
21) He who angers you controls you.
22) Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23) Give Satan an inch, and he'll be a ruler.
24) Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them, and God will
clean them.
25) God does not call the qualified; he qualifies the
called.
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th. "I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
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Barbecue?
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...
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Multiple Choice
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
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Twins
Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant. The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Scenery
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery. "Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Patience
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
School Lunch
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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Personnel
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips from Late Night
"I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show that is! Did you see Sarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson? Did you all watch that? In fact, John McCain was watching it at home, and at one point, he turned to his wife and said, 'She looks really familiar.'" --Jay Leno "The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'" --Conan O'Brien "I mean, look how she handles Geppetto here from the Folksy Wood Carver network [on screen: Palin's interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson. In this segment, he asks her about the Bush doctrine]. Yeah, whatever, Charlie. Do you know what the Bush doctrine is? I don't think Bush knows what the Bush doctrine is. The point is this, she doesn't need to know the Bush doctrine. She is the Bush doctrine. Her foreign policy experience consists of being able to see Russia from an island in Alaska. And a refueling layover in Ireland. Now that might give some people who are asked to be vice president, pause. But we have a word for those kinds of people. Communists [on screen: Palin saying she didn't blink when accepting the vice presidential slot]. Total certainty would be such a refreshing change of pace in the White House." --Jon Stewart "For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.'" --Jay Leno "On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan." --Conan O'Brien "Now, of course, we all know that John McCain has said that as governor, Sarah Palin requested no earmarks. It turns out it's almost true. The senator was only off by $453 million [on screen: Gibson outlining Palin's earmark requests, including $2 million to learn more about crab mating habits]." Jon Stewart "And despite all the animosity in this campaign, you know, John McCain and Joe Biden are actually old friends from the Senate. They've been friends for years. In fact, they go back so far that when they first met, McCain had hair, and Joe Biden didn't." --Jay Leno "This weekend in New York City, gays and lesbians staged a protest, demanding the right to get married. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, now gays want to marry lesbians?'" --Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cooking Woes
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Life's Crazy Rules
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money. * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five. * Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it. * Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
25 Things Worth Thinking About
1) Give God what's RIGHT -- not what's LEFT.
2) Man's way leads to hopeless end; God's way leads to
endless hope.
3) A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4) He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5) In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma, but
never let him be the period.
6) Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7) Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a
faith-lift.
8) When praying, don't give God instructions -- just report
for duty.
9) Don't wait for six strong men to take you to the church.
10) We don't change God's message; His message changes us.
11) All churches should be prayer-conditioned.
12) When God ordains, He sustains.
13) WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14) Plan ahead -- it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15) Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory
position.
16) Suffering from truth decay? Brush up with your Bible on
a daily basis.
17) Exercise daily! Walk with the Lord.
18) Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to
drive.
19) Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20) Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps
coming back.
21) He who angers you controls you.
22) Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23) Give Satan an inch, and he'll be a ruler.
24) Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them, and God will
clean them.
25) God does not call the qualified; he qualifies the
called.
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