Sick at Last
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!" After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?" The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Pink Suit Sale
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Perks of reaching 50
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08.You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
12. You sing along with elevator music.
13. Your eyes won't get much worse.
14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the samenight.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Phrases of Wisdom
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. - Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. - No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. - A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. - Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. - Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. - Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. - Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. - Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. - Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
20th Anniversary
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Overly Suspicious
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Buying a Machine Factory
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Emu blocks traffic for two hours
NEW STANTON, Pa. (UPI) -- Pennsylvania State Police say they used a stun gun to subdue an emu that blocked traffic for about two hours near the Pennsylvania Turnpike's New Stanton exit. State troopers said the emu, an Australian cousin to the ostrich, had become trapped Monday between 5-foot-high traffic barriers and resisted all previous attempts to catch it -- including a an attempted cowboy-style lassoing, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported "It created a backlog of traffic," said state police Sgt. Anthony DeLuca. "Vehicles almost wrecked into each other, into the bird. We tried to chase it down and tried to catch it. "Once it got in there it got stuck, and it didn't know what to do." He said troopers eventually used a stun gun on the 4-foot-tall bird and moved it to the side of the roadway but it died shortly after. "I think what happened is after about two hours of running on the roadway, it probably had a heart attack," he said.
///
Police seek 62 mph skateboarder
ULM , Germany (UPI) -- Police in Germany say they are on the lookout for a skateboarder who used a boost from a motorcycle to travel 62 mph down the Ulm-Stuttgart motorway. Authorities said the skateboarder, whose feat was captured on video and broadcast on German TV, traveled for two miles down the steep stretch of highway at excessive speeds, Sky News reported Wednesday. The man, who police said they believe to be a professional stuntman, wore a helmet and a red and white protective suit while speeding down the road. Investigators said he held onto the back of a motorcycle for some time to help him pick up speed.
///
Pet's ID chip helps cops take toddler home
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., say a pet chip implanted in a dog accompanying a 2-year-old girl who had wandered off helped them find the toddler's home. Officers said they received reports of the child, identified as Annabelle Fabrizio, chasing the dog into traffic at about 7:45 a.m. Sunday, The Palm Beach Post reported Wednesday. The police report of the incident said officers contacted an animal control officer who traced the pet back to registered owner Barbie Molina. The woman told police she had given the pooch to the young girl's mother, Melissa Fabrizio. Police said they took the toddler, who was clad only in a diaper, to her home, where babysitter Nick Westmoreland, 16, told officers he had thought the young girl was asleep in her room. Officers said the house's sliding door had been left open.
//
Woman: Police targeting her car
CINCINNATI (UPI) -- A Cincinnati woman says she has been pulled over repeatedly because police believe her car is connected to a wanted criminal. Rashawn Edwards said she has been pulled over six times since June -- despite not breaking any traffic laws -- because new license plate recognition cameras used by Cincinnati police run her vehicle registration or identification number and tell cops the car is tied to a wanted Cleveland criminal Edwards says she doesn't know, WLWT-TV in Cincinnati reported Wednesday. "I've been pulled over by just about every police district there is in Cincinnati," she said. Edwards said each time she is pulled over, police approach the car cautiously. "It's not guns drawn, but they are kind of intimidated, so they tell us, 'Don't move, stay in the car,'" she said. She said her complaints to the police department and Alfred Motors, which is leasing her car, have failed to yield any results. "I would like to keep the car, but at the same time I would like something to be done about it," she said. "I'm tired of being pulled over every time I drive my car."
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 22nd
Adam and Eve's Perfect Marriage
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bubba and Earl are Drinking
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tried and Trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No teeth bear
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Has everyone seen the Rupublican vice-presidential candidate,
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters."
-David Letterman
***
"The Republican National Convention is still going wild in
Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee
Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in
every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn't
mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and
I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought,
The Rolling Stones! But no." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A
homeowner went to the office to request permission to build
a small toolshed in his backyard.
"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.
"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his
neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of
the shed.
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece
of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said,
"Here's your permission."
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also
wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the
director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request.
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the
documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are
necessary."
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got per-
mission right away."
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we
finally got organized."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children
one day.
"How do you get your Vernie up so early on school mornings?"
asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Fern. "I just throw the cat
on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bounced CheckHas your bank become an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity?(see also the original 2002 Bank Deposit version)
[This letter was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in a local newspaper…]Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY after dialing, press the star (*) button for English;#1. To make an appointment to see me;#2. To query a missing payment;#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering;#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home;#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier;#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again;#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service;#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fast Police ResponseWhen you haven't got time to wait for the next policeman...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”He said, “No.”Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again.“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”Don't mess with old people.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cross-Eyed CatVern Allen took his cat to the vet."My cat is cross-eyed," Vern said. "Is there anything you can do for her?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at her."So he picks the cat up and examines her eyes and ears and then checks her teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put her down.""What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because she's cross-eyed?""No," said the vet, "because she's really heavy!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up. Feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bubba and Earl are Drinking
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tried and Trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No teeth bear
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Has everyone seen the Rupublican vice-presidential candidate,
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters."
-David Letterman
***
"The Republican National Convention is still going wild in
Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee
Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in
every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn't
mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and
I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought,
The Rolling Stones! But no." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A
homeowner went to the office to request permission to build
a small toolshed in his backyard.
"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.
"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his
neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of
the shed.
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece
of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said,
"Here's your permission."
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also
wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the
director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request.
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the
documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are
necessary."
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got per-
mission right away."
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we
finally got organized."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children
one day.
"How do you get your Vernie up so early on school mornings?"
asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Fern. "I just throw the cat
on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bounced CheckHas your bank become an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity?(see also the original 2002 Bank Deposit version)
[This letter was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in a local newspaper…]Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY after dialing, press the star (*) button for English;#1. To make an appointment to see me;#2. To query a missing payment;#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering;#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home;#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier;#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again;#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service;#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fast Police ResponseWhen you haven't got time to wait for the next policeman...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”He said, “No.”Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again.“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”Don't mess with old people.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cross-Eyed CatVern Allen took his cat to the vet."My cat is cross-eyed," Vern said. "Is there anything you can do for her?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at her."So he picks the cat up and examines her eyes and ears and then checks her teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put her down.""What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because she's cross-eyed?""No," said the vet, "because she's really heavy!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up. Feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
hUM,OR For Sept 21st
Adam and Eve's Perfect Marriage
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bubba and Earl are Drinking
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tried and Trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No teeth bear
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Has everyone seen the Rupublican vice-presidential candidate,
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters."
-David Letterman
***
"The Republican National Convention is still going wild in
Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee
Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in
every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn't
mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and
I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought,
The Rolling Stones! But no." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A
homeowner went to the office to request permission to build
a small toolshed in his backyard.
"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.
"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his
neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of
the shed.
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece
of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said,
"Here's your permission."
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also
wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the
director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request.
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the
documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are
necessary."
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got per-
mission right away."
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we
finally got organized."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children
one day.
"How do you get your Vernie up so early on school mornings?"
asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Fern. "I just throw the cat
on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bounced CheckHas your bank become an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity?(see also the original 2002 Bank Deposit version)
[This letter was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in a local newspaper…]Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY after dialing, press the star (*) button for English;#1. To make an appointment to see me;#2. To query a missing payment;#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering;#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home;#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier;#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again;#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service;#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fast Police ResponseWhen you haven't got time to wait for the next policeman...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”He said, “No.”Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again.“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”Don't mess with old people.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cross-Eyed CatVern Allen took his cat to the vet."My cat is cross-eyed," Vern said. "Is there anything you can do for her?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at her."So he picks the cat up and examines her eyes and ears and then checks her teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put her down.""What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because she's cross-eyed?""No," said the vet, "because she's really heavy!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up. Feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bubba and Earl are Drinking
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tried and Trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No teeth bear
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Has everyone seen the Rupublican vice-presidential candidate,
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters."
-David Letterman
***
"The Republican National Convention is still going wild in
Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee
Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in
every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn't
mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and
I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought,
The Rolling Stones! But no." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A
homeowner went to the office to request permission to build
a small toolshed in his backyard.
"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.
"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his
neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of
the shed.
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece
of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said,
"Here's your permission."
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also
wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the
director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request.
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the
documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are
necessary."
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got per-
mission right away."
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we
finally got organized."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children
one day.
"How do you get your Vernie up so early on school mornings?"
asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Fern. "I just throw the cat
on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bounced CheckHas your bank become an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity?(see also the original 2002 Bank Deposit version)
[This letter was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in a local newspaper…]Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY after dialing, press the star (*) button for English;#1. To make an appointment to see me;#2. To query a missing payment;#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering;#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home;#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier;#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again;#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service;#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fast Police ResponseWhen you haven't got time to wait for the next policeman...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”He said, “No.”Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again.“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”Don't mess with old people.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cross-Eyed CatVern Allen took his cat to the vet."My cat is cross-eyed," Vern said. "Is there anything you can do for her?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at her."So he picks the cat up and examines her eyes and ears and then checks her teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put her down.""What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because she's cross-eyed?""No," said the vet, "because she's really heavy!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up. Feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 20th
Honest LawyerAn investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $150,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive ... and what sort of case was that?"The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Pick Up Line
A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Colorful Love
It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies. Alice was feeling romantic. 'Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?' she crooned. 'Why not?' Al replied. 'Didn't I love you through four other shades?'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Is It Love?
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Three Sisters
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together. One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled. The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?" The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure. Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity
drug for dogs. I'm no veterinarian, but if your dog is
over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl.
Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking
your car keys and driving to McDonalds?" --Jay Leno
***
"She's fine, but the other day in England, an 80-year-old
woman was out for a walk in the country when she was
attacked by three wild pigs. Experts say this is odd
because usually British food attacks you after you eat it."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"It seems like every couple of weeks McDonald's is making
their menu more diet friendly. They're now offering a third
of a pound hamburger. The damn hamburger weighs a third of
a pound. Don't worry... you get a pretty good workout at
the ketchup pump." -Dave Letterman
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Dean of admissions at Bates College in Maine reads through
reams of applications from nervous high school seniors, some
maybe a little more nervous than others. Here are a few...
"If there is a single word to describe me, that word would be
'profectionist'."
"I was abducted into the National Honor Society."
"I function well as an individual and a group."
"Mathematics has hung like a stork around my neck."
///
Georgia town claims scarecrow record
HOSCHTON, Ga. (UPI) -- A small town in Georgia claimed Tuesday to have beaten the world record for scarecrows by about 1,500, setting up about as many as there are people in the area. Hoschton City Clerk Kristen Smith said the town got some outside help creating 4,800 straw men, women and even deer. She told The Atlanta Journal-Constitution people from other towns built scarecrows and brought them to Hoschton. "It's the coolest thing," she said. Robbie Bettis, the organizer of the effort, spent Tuesday recording the results, tagging and photographing the scarecrows lining State Highway 53, the main road in town, as well as tree-lined subdivision streets. The scarecrows represent a cross-section of straw humanity, dressed as everything from prisoners to ministers. Bettis's goal was 4,000 scarecrows, which would have been more than enough to beat the record set in 2003 by the Cincinnati Horticultural Society, 3,311. Hoschton, in a rural area east of Atlanta with a population of about 1,700 within the city limits and 4,800 in its zip code, is a lot smaller than Cincinnati. The town and Bettis will not know for several weeks whether the Guinness Book of World Records recognizes its achievement.
///
Man hits sword attacker with walking stick
GATESHEAD, England (UPI) -- A Gateshead, England, 60-year-old said he was able to fend off a samurai sword-wielding attacker by striking him in the head with his walking stick. David Fawcett, 60, said he was walking with friends Elaine Layton and Tony McConnell shortly after midnight Monday when they saw a man urinating outdoors, The Daily Mail reported Tuesday. "Elaine asked him to stop. He got a bottle of beer and smashed her three times in the hand," said Fawcett, a retired social worker. "I got between them and he ran off saying he was going to get a sword and kill us." "Elaine phoned the police but we didn't really think too much of his threat," Fawcett said. However, he said the attacker showed up five minutes later and began chasing the trio with a samurai sword. Fawcett said they fled into a nearby take-out restaurant but the tenacious attacker attempted to smash the glass doors with his sword. He said he finally forced the attacker to give up by clocking him over the head with his walking stick. Police said they arrested the 30-year-old suspect after a brief chase. "I don't think there was anything heroic about it. It was terrifying. I was shaking after but I had to protect my friends. When I saw they were going for Elaine, I had to do something," Fawcett said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
We Don't Have AnyI was a manager at a toy store. A few years back during the height of the Furby craze I overheard one of my cashiers say to a customer, "We haven't had any for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting any soon."I quickly assured the customer that we would have a shipment in next week After she left, I read the cashier the riot act. "Never tell a customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week. Now, was she looking for a Furby?""No ...""Well, what was it she said she wanted?""Rain."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Awareness Test
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man
who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the
hospital for evaluation.
En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to
determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked,
"Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the
ambulance window.
"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Pick Up Line
A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Colorful Love
It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies. Alice was feeling romantic. 'Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?' she crooned. 'Why not?' Al replied. 'Didn't I love you through four other shades?'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Is It Love?
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Three Sisters
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together. One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled. The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?" The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure. Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity
drug for dogs. I'm no veterinarian, but if your dog is
over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl.
Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking
your car keys and driving to McDonalds?" --Jay Leno
***
"She's fine, but the other day in England, an 80-year-old
woman was out for a walk in the country when she was
attacked by three wild pigs. Experts say this is odd
because usually British food attacks you after you eat it."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"It seems like every couple of weeks McDonald's is making
their menu more diet friendly. They're now offering a third
of a pound hamburger. The damn hamburger weighs a third of
a pound. Don't worry... you get a pretty good workout at
the ketchup pump." -Dave Letterman
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Dean of admissions at Bates College in Maine reads through
reams of applications from nervous high school seniors, some
maybe a little more nervous than others. Here are a few...
"If there is a single word to describe me, that word would be
'profectionist'."
"I was abducted into the National Honor Society."
"I function well as an individual and a group."
"Mathematics has hung like a stork around my neck."
///
Georgia town claims scarecrow record
HOSCHTON, Ga. (UPI) -- A small town in Georgia claimed Tuesday to have beaten the world record for scarecrows by about 1,500, setting up about as many as there are people in the area. Hoschton City Clerk Kristen Smith said the town got some outside help creating 4,800 straw men, women and even deer. She told The Atlanta Journal-Constitution people from other towns built scarecrows and brought them to Hoschton. "It's the coolest thing," she said. Robbie Bettis, the organizer of the effort, spent Tuesday recording the results, tagging and photographing the scarecrows lining State Highway 53, the main road in town, as well as tree-lined subdivision streets. The scarecrows represent a cross-section of straw humanity, dressed as everything from prisoners to ministers. Bettis's goal was 4,000 scarecrows, which would have been more than enough to beat the record set in 2003 by the Cincinnati Horticultural Society, 3,311. Hoschton, in a rural area east of Atlanta with a population of about 1,700 within the city limits and 4,800 in its zip code, is a lot smaller than Cincinnati. The town and Bettis will not know for several weeks whether the Guinness Book of World Records recognizes its achievement.
///
Man hits sword attacker with walking stick
GATESHEAD, England (UPI) -- A Gateshead, England, 60-year-old said he was able to fend off a samurai sword-wielding attacker by striking him in the head with his walking stick. David Fawcett, 60, said he was walking with friends Elaine Layton and Tony McConnell shortly after midnight Monday when they saw a man urinating outdoors, The Daily Mail reported Tuesday. "Elaine asked him to stop. He got a bottle of beer and smashed her three times in the hand," said Fawcett, a retired social worker. "I got between them and he ran off saying he was going to get a sword and kill us." "Elaine phoned the police but we didn't really think too much of his threat," Fawcett said. However, he said the attacker showed up five minutes later and began chasing the trio with a samurai sword. Fawcett said they fled into a nearby take-out restaurant but the tenacious attacker attempted to smash the glass doors with his sword. He said he finally forced the attacker to give up by clocking him over the head with his walking stick. Police said they arrested the 30-year-old suspect after a brief chase. "I don't think there was anything heroic about it. It was terrifying. I was shaking after but I had to protect my friends. When I saw they were going for Elaine, I had to do something," Fawcett said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
We Don't Have AnyI was a manager at a toy store. A few years back during the height of the Furby craze I overheard one of my cashiers say to a customer, "We haven't had any for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting any soon."I quickly assured the customer that we would have a shipment in next week After she left, I read the cashier the riot act. "Never tell a customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week. Now, was she looking for a Furby?""No ...""Well, what was it she said she wanted?""Rain."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Awareness Test
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man
who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the
hospital for evaluation.
En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to
determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked,
"Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the
ambulance window.
"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
Friday, September 19, 2008
hUMOR For Septg 19th
Cletus' Order
Cletus walks into a building and goes up to a lady and says "Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?" The lady looks at him dumbfounded and says, "Cletus, this is a library." So Cletus moves closer and whispers, "Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Wisdom of the Phrases
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. - Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. - Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. - My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. - It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. - For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. - If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. - Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Clown Couple
Girl Clown: Do you love me? Boy Clown: Yes, I love you.Girl Clown: But, do you really love me?Boy Clown: Yes, I really love you.Girl Clown: But, do you really, truly love me?Boy Clown: Yes! Yes, I really, truly love you! I would die for you!Girl Clown: You’re always saying that, but you never do it.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Perfect Idiot
Auguste Clown: I suppose you think that I’m a perfect idiot? Whiteface Clown: Oh, no—nobody’s perfect.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My mama always said we were put on this earth to help others.
My question is, what are the others here for?
***
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets
better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
***
"Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere."
-G. K. Chesterton
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district
was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the
job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.
"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.
"I am real," I said.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What
I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually
knows something?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade
teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the
mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic
to excuse her daughter from school.
"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.
"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company,
and I'm keeping her home."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Medical or Surgical?
The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.
"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.
"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Man pleads guilty to faking death
GLOUCESTER, England (UPI) -- A Gloucester, England, man has pleaded guilty to faking his own death to receive a $600,000 life insurance payout. Ahmad Akhtary, 34, admitted to obtaining a fake certificate from Afghanistan that said he died of "brain trauma" after an accident in the country and to conspiring with his ex-wife, Anne, 43, to use the fake document to obtain $600,000 from their Norwich Union shared life insurance policy, The Sun reported. Authorities said Akhtary did not take great lengths to hide his deception, as he continued to work and pay taxes under his own name in Gloucester. They said the scam was uncovered after Akhtary went into his doctor's office for a check-up. Akhtary pleaded guilty in Gloucester Crown Court to attempting to obtain money by deception. Anne Akhtary pleaded guilty to the same charge in addition to having a false instrument. Both were sentenced to nine months imprisonment, suspended for two years, and ordered to complete 40 hours of community service work.
///
Thin red line may keep wolves at bay
MONT TREMBLANT, Quebec (UPI) -- Campers at a Canadian park are being protected from hungry wolves by a single strand of cord with red ribbons strung around their campsites. That's the solution rangers in Quebec's Mont Tremblant National Park are trying after having to kill three wolves showing signs of becoming too comfortable around people last year, The Gazette newspaper in Montreal reported Monday. The park has about three dozen wolves. The rangers, who blame campers who feed the wolves, put up two miles of fencing around 300 campsites on Monroe Lake a month ago. The fence consists of a single strand of low-strung nylon cord with wide strips of red cloth every yard or so. It's a centuries-old European trick that some U.S. ranchers use to protect their herds, but it's the first time it's been tried in a national, provincial or state park in North America, said Hugues Tennier, Mont Tremblant's chief conservation officer. "Why this curtain works, we don't know," he said, though some research indicates it may have something to do with the color, an effect that may be only temporary. So far, so good: There have been no reports of wolf sightings inside the perimeter. Previous efforts to shoo away the wolves included sounding foghorns and "bear bangers," a small gun that fires a shell that makes gunfire noises, The Gazette said.
///
Magicians battle over dueling conventions
BLACKPOOL, England (UPI) -- Two British magicians who contend the country's main magic convention is too old-fashioned have angered organizers by setting up an alternative event. Collin Richardson and Geoff Pescud said they started planning the Southern England Magic Convention after concluding the 56-year-old Blackpool Magicians' Convention, which attracts 3,500 practitioners of the illusion arts annually, is stuck in the last millennium, The Daily Telegraph reported. However, the duo raised the ire of Blackpool organizer Derek Lever, 70, by scheduling their event for Jan. 31. The traditional tribute to magic trickery is set for Feb. 20. Lever sent a letter to convention regulars noting the "barring clause" that bans exhibitors from setting up shop at any British convention in the five-week period leading up to Blackpool. "Dealers who have just been seen at another convention are no longer an attraction," Lever wrote. "To try and spoil what we have is pointless and silly. They decided to have a go and they are using any tactics they can at the moment as they are in panic mode." Richardson and Pescud said they are fighting back with appeals to the Board of Trade, Trading Standards-Competition Commission and European Commission to intervene on behalf of their convention. "We are 400 miles from Blackpool and we can only take 1,400 people. A lot of the people coming to ours would never go to Blackpool," Richardson said.
Police hunt possible lion in N. Ireland
BELFAST, Northern Ireland (UPI) -- Police in Belfast, Northern Ireland, say the lion several people reported seeing in a city park likely was a big dog. "Police can confirm that there's no stray lion wandering about in north Belfast," a police spokeswoman told The Daily Telegraph. Police had used a helicopter Sunday to search Cavehill Park, which is not far from the Belfast Zoo, after receiving several reports of a sandy-colored big cat wandering the area. They suspended the search as night fell and Monday determined the animal must have been a large stray dog, the Telegraph said. The Belfast Zoo said it checked its enclosures and all its large cats were there.
///
Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?" "Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Questions About the 2010 Olympics
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010
Winter Olympics, people all over the world are asking
questions. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada
were posted on an International Tourism Website.
(Frightening, isn't it?)
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the
plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow
the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?
(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you
send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and
Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north...oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you
get here, and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the
female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available
all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan
hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a moose. It is tall and very violent, eating
the brains of anyone walking close to it. You can scare it
off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
ry
Cletus walks into a building and goes up to a lady and says "Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?" The lady looks at him dumbfounded and says, "Cletus, this is a library." So Cletus moves closer and whispers, "Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Wisdom of the Phrases
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. - Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. - Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. - My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. - It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. - For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. - If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. - Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Clown Couple
Girl Clown: Do you love me? Boy Clown: Yes, I love you.Girl Clown: But, do you really love me?Boy Clown: Yes, I really love you.Girl Clown: But, do you really, truly love me?Boy Clown: Yes! Yes, I really, truly love you! I would die for you!Girl Clown: You’re always saying that, but you never do it.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Perfect Idiot
Auguste Clown: I suppose you think that I’m a perfect idiot? Whiteface Clown: Oh, no—nobody’s perfect.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My mama always said we were put on this earth to help others.
My question is, what are the others here for?
***
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets
better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
***
"Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere."
-G. K. Chesterton
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district
was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the
job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.
"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.
"I am real," I said.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What
I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually
knows something?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade
teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the
mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic
to excuse her daughter from school.
"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.
"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company,
and I'm keeping her home."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Medical or Surgical?
The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.
"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.
"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Man pleads guilty to faking death
GLOUCESTER, England (UPI) -- A Gloucester, England, man has pleaded guilty to faking his own death to receive a $600,000 life insurance payout. Ahmad Akhtary, 34, admitted to obtaining a fake certificate from Afghanistan that said he died of "brain trauma" after an accident in the country and to conspiring with his ex-wife, Anne, 43, to use the fake document to obtain $600,000 from their Norwich Union shared life insurance policy, The Sun reported. Authorities said Akhtary did not take great lengths to hide his deception, as he continued to work and pay taxes under his own name in Gloucester. They said the scam was uncovered after Akhtary went into his doctor's office for a check-up. Akhtary pleaded guilty in Gloucester Crown Court to attempting to obtain money by deception. Anne Akhtary pleaded guilty to the same charge in addition to having a false instrument. Both were sentenced to nine months imprisonment, suspended for two years, and ordered to complete 40 hours of community service work.
///
Thin red line may keep wolves at bay
MONT TREMBLANT, Quebec (UPI) -- Campers at a Canadian park are being protected from hungry wolves by a single strand of cord with red ribbons strung around their campsites. That's the solution rangers in Quebec's Mont Tremblant National Park are trying after having to kill three wolves showing signs of becoming too comfortable around people last year, The Gazette newspaper in Montreal reported Monday. The park has about three dozen wolves. The rangers, who blame campers who feed the wolves, put up two miles of fencing around 300 campsites on Monroe Lake a month ago. The fence consists of a single strand of low-strung nylon cord with wide strips of red cloth every yard or so. It's a centuries-old European trick that some U.S. ranchers use to protect their herds, but it's the first time it's been tried in a national, provincial or state park in North America, said Hugues Tennier, Mont Tremblant's chief conservation officer. "Why this curtain works, we don't know," he said, though some research indicates it may have something to do with the color, an effect that may be only temporary. So far, so good: There have been no reports of wolf sightings inside the perimeter. Previous efforts to shoo away the wolves included sounding foghorns and "bear bangers," a small gun that fires a shell that makes gunfire noises, The Gazette said.
///
Magicians battle over dueling conventions
BLACKPOOL, England (UPI) -- Two British magicians who contend the country's main magic convention is too old-fashioned have angered organizers by setting up an alternative event. Collin Richardson and Geoff Pescud said they started planning the Southern England Magic Convention after concluding the 56-year-old Blackpool Magicians' Convention, which attracts 3,500 practitioners of the illusion arts annually, is stuck in the last millennium, The Daily Telegraph reported. However, the duo raised the ire of Blackpool organizer Derek Lever, 70, by scheduling their event for Jan. 31. The traditional tribute to magic trickery is set for Feb. 20. Lever sent a letter to convention regulars noting the "barring clause" that bans exhibitors from setting up shop at any British convention in the five-week period leading up to Blackpool. "Dealers who have just been seen at another convention are no longer an attraction," Lever wrote. "To try and spoil what we have is pointless and silly. They decided to have a go and they are using any tactics they can at the moment as they are in panic mode." Richardson and Pescud said they are fighting back with appeals to the Board of Trade, Trading Standards-Competition Commission and European Commission to intervene on behalf of their convention. "We are 400 miles from Blackpool and we can only take 1,400 people. A lot of the people coming to ours would never go to Blackpool," Richardson said.
Police hunt possible lion in N. Ireland
BELFAST, Northern Ireland (UPI) -- Police in Belfast, Northern Ireland, say the lion several people reported seeing in a city park likely was a big dog. "Police can confirm that there's no stray lion wandering about in north Belfast," a police spokeswoman told The Daily Telegraph. Police had used a helicopter Sunday to search Cavehill Park, which is not far from the Belfast Zoo, after receiving several reports of a sandy-colored big cat wandering the area. They suspended the search as night fell and Monday determined the animal must have been a large stray dog, the Telegraph said. The Belfast Zoo said it checked its enclosures and all its large cats were there.
///
Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?" "Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Questions About the 2010 Olympics
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010
Winter Olympics, people all over the world are asking
questions. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada
were posted on an International Tourism Website.
(Frightening, isn't it?)
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the
plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow
the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?
(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you
send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and
Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north...oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you
get here, and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the
female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available
all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan
hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a moose. It is tall and very violent, eating
the brains of anyone walking close to it. You can scare it
off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
ry
Thursday, September 18, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 18th
One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune
by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me,
"Well, did he?"
"Did he what?"
"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" she asked.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Dog Named Mace
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was
a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat
grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would
make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure
him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall
grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked,
but it was nowhere to be found.
As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided
to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and
saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around
where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain
sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him
and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a
wrench for me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Little Boy and Rain
It was raining outside. Not just raining, but pouring. Buckets of water were falling from the sky, and little Vernie turned to his mother. “Mommy?” he said. “Yes, darling?” his mother replied. “It’s raining very hard, isn’t it?” little Vernie asked. “Yes, it is,” the mother answered. “Does that mean that Jesus is taking a shower?”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Priest and Nun at a Hotel
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed." Nun: "I think that would be okay." They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm terribly cold." Priest: "Okay, I'll get you a blanket." (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." Priest: "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night." Priest: "You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Too Much Time
How do you know when your child has been spending too much time on the computer? My six-year-old son, Jack, recently informed his mother that he wasn’t born -- he was downloaded!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Bass angler finally lands big gator
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Casting for alligator was unusual for bass fisherman Ron Settino but the New York man says he finally captured an elusive 3-foot specimen. The 63-year-old Franklin Square angler said Saturday that after a lengthy search for the small alligator that had been spotted in Hewlett, N.Y., he finally caught it with his trusty rod and reel, Newsday reported. "I've been hunting this guy for a while now," Settino said. "Considering the fact that he doesn't belong here, I really wanted to get him out." The retired telephone technician said he had been out with his fishing gear ever since the alligator, which is not indigenous to the region, was spotted in an area creek several weeks ago. The alligators were apparently biting Saturday as Settino snagged the gator -- using an artificial lure -- and hauled it in with the help of a nearby man.
///
Metrocards become hot collector item
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Collectors say pieces of art are getting swiped, literally, every day in New York, as riders use Metrocards to board public transportation. The plastic cards have become something of a hot item for collectors because of the variety of images on their flip side, The New York Times reported. The cards' depictions of animals, world leaders, landmarks, entertainers, advertisements and other subjects and themes have attracted collectors since they were introduced in 1994. Collectors view them as miniature pieces of art, with value for selling, trading or just keeping. A MetroCard collectors group on Yahoo has 60 members. Eighteen pieces were listed Saturday eBay at prices ranging from $20 for an expired student card to $520 for an expired MetroCard stamped "NYPD." "We have customers out there who have been collecting these cards since Day 1," Margaret Coffey, New York City Transit's assistant vice president for marketing, told The Times. "We get a lot of calls from people who inquire about the availability of certain cards. All they are trying to do is make their collections as complete as possible; it's really no different than collecting baseball cards."
///
Cow's head freed from washing machine
TRURO, England (UPI) -- Animal rights activists in Britain say they had to free a cow's head from a washing machine after the animal got a bit too curious. Royal Society of the Cruelty of Animals spokeswoman Jo Barr said the group's workers were called to Cornwall County after a young cow came across the machine in an area field and investigated it a little too closely, The Times of London reported. "It is one of the more unusual things we had had to rescue an animal from," Barr said. "Young cows are quite curious, and she probably thought there was some food inside the drum." RSPCA inspector David Hobbs, who rescued the trapped animal, told the Times the incident was a lesson about properly disposing of unwanted items. "If people disposed of their rubbish properly many animals would be saved from injury and death," he said. "A large proportion of the injuries are caused by carelessly discarded rubbish and fishing litter."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Psychiatrist Confessions
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Finding TeaMy poor wife was sick in bed with the flu. Being a dutiful husband, I offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. I couldn't find the tea though and went back upstairs to ask where it was.She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Proper Job Placement
Methods from Human Resources...
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the
Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,
put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order,
put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them
in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and
they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved,
put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in
Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in
Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick
has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top
Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks
in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from,
put them in Congress.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me,
"Well, did he?"
"Did he what?"
"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" she asked.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Dog Named Mace
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was
a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat
grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would
make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure
him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall
grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked,
but it was nowhere to be found.
As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided
to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and
saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around
where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain
sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him
and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a
wrench for me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Little Boy and Rain
It was raining outside. Not just raining, but pouring. Buckets of water were falling from the sky, and little Vernie turned to his mother. “Mommy?” he said. “Yes, darling?” his mother replied. “It’s raining very hard, isn’t it?” little Vernie asked. “Yes, it is,” the mother answered. “Does that mean that Jesus is taking a shower?”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Priest and Nun at a Hotel
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed." Nun: "I think that would be okay." They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm terribly cold." Priest: "Okay, I'll get you a blanket." (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." Priest: "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night." Priest: "You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Too Much Time
How do you know when your child has been spending too much time on the computer? My six-year-old son, Jack, recently informed his mother that he wasn’t born -- he was downloaded!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Bass angler finally lands big gator
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Casting for alligator was unusual for bass fisherman Ron Settino but the New York man says he finally captured an elusive 3-foot specimen. The 63-year-old Franklin Square angler said Saturday that after a lengthy search for the small alligator that had been spotted in Hewlett, N.Y., he finally caught it with his trusty rod and reel, Newsday reported. "I've been hunting this guy for a while now," Settino said. "Considering the fact that he doesn't belong here, I really wanted to get him out." The retired telephone technician said he had been out with his fishing gear ever since the alligator, which is not indigenous to the region, was spotted in an area creek several weeks ago. The alligators were apparently biting Saturday as Settino snagged the gator -- using an artificial lure -- and hauled it in with the help of a nearby man.
///
Metrocards become hot collector item
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Collectors say pieces of art are getting swiped, literally, every day in New York, as riders use Metrocards to board public transportation. The plastic cards have become something of a hot item for collectors because of the variety of images on their flip side, The New York Times reported. The cards' depictions of animals, world leaders, landmarks, entertainers, advertisements and other subjects and themes have attracted collectors since they were introduced in 1994. Collectors view them as miniature pieces of art, with value for selling, trading or just keeping. A MetroCard collectors group on Yahoo has 60 members. Eighteen pieces were listed Saturday eBay at prices ranging from $20 for an expired student card to $520 for an expired MetroCard stamped "NYPD." "We have customers out there who have been collecting these cards since Day 1," Margaret Coffey, New York City Transit's assistant vice president for marketing, told The Times. "We get a lot of calls from people who inquire about the availability of certain cards. All they are trying to do is make their collections as complete as possible; it's really no different than collecting baseball cards."
///
Cow's head freed from washing machine
TRURO, England (UPI) -- Animal rights activists in Britain say they had to free a cow's head from a washing machine after the animal got a bit too curious. Royal Society of the Cruelty of Animals spokeswoman Jo Barr said the group's workers were called to Cornwall County after a young cow came across the machine in an area field and investigated it a little too closely, The Times of London reported. "It is one of the more unusual things we had had to rescue an animal from," Barr said. "Young cows are quite curious, and she probably thought there was some food inside the drum." RSPCA inspector David Hobbs, who rescued the trapped animal, told the Times the incident was a lesson about properly disposing of unwanted items. "If people disposed of their rubbish properly many animals would be saved from injury and death," he said. "A large proportion of the injuries are caused by carelessly discarded rubbish and fishing litter."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Psychiatrist Confessions
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Finding TeaMy poor wife was sick in bed with the flu. Being a dutiful husband, I offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. I couldn't find the tea though and went back upstairs to ask where it was.She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Proper Job Placement
Methods from Human Resources...
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the
Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,
put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order,
put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them
in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and
they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved,
put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in
Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in
Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick
has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top
Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks
in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from,
put them in Congress.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 17th
The receptionist for the company where I'm employed found
some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.
She sent the following e-mail: "If anybody can say where
they lost $66, please let me know and it will be returned
to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Arlington Race Track,
May, 2006."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Heading down the interstate, our car passed through a huge
swarm of gnats so dense that their bodies made popping noises
as they hit the windshield. "I can't get over how loud they
are," my wife said.
"Well, we are hitting them at 65 miles an hour," I pointed
out.
Her reply left me speechless. "There's no way bugs can fly
that fast!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Film crew claims footage may be monster
OSTERSUND, Sweden (UPI) -- A Swedish TV station has captured footage that it claims might depict the country's legendary Storsjoodjuret sea monster in the north of the country. Svergies Television said cameras set up at the Storsjon lake captured footage that shows a blurry, long and narrow silhouette that might belong to the Storsjoodjuret, or Great Lake Sea Monster, Swedish news agency TT reported. "(The video) clearly shows that it's warm and is made up of cells, otherwise our cameras wouldn't indicate red, so it can be a sea snake or some other kind of sea animal," a member of the film crew said. The TV station said 30 cameras will be set up to monitor the lake by 2009 to watch for signs of the beast, which was first mentioned in print in 1635, The Telegraph (Britain) reported. More than 200 sightings of the Storsjoodjuret have been reported in Sweden.
///
McCain Foods uses candidate to boost image
PHOENIX (UPI) -- Canada's McCain Foods said it is using the presidential campaign of John McCain -- no relation to the company -- to boost its image in the United States. McCain Foods took out a full page ad in USA Today that humorously tied the presumptive Republican nominee to its frozen potato products, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. The ad, headlined "Why McCain Should Be In the White House," steers clear of endorsing or even mentioning the Arizona senator and instead lists reasons why consumers should embrace change and choose its spuds rather than settling for ordinary French fries. The ad will be accompanied by on-the-street performances by comedian-impressionist Frank Caliendo in the McCain-friendly territory of Phoenix, McCain Foods said. Caliendo will be performing in character as John McCain while name-dropping the Canadian company's potatoes. The performances will be taped and posted to YouTube and other Web sites in an attempt to help raise the profile of the company in its neighbor to the south.
///
Baggy pants trip up fleeing suspect
ATLANTA (UPI) -- An Atlanta man trying to escape from police tripped and fell as he tried to hold his baggy pants up, officers said. Emmanuel Uzowihe, 21, allegedly pointed a gun at the police officers as he lay on the ground, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported. He was shot and wounded. The incident near the Fulton County Courthouse began when police tried to pull Uzowihe over because of a traffic violation. He allegedly stopped his white Toyota sedan but jumped out and ran away. Anthony Gentile, a police investigator, said an officer followed Uzowihe, ordering him several times to stop. Darrell Jackson said he saw Uzowihe run past, cursing. Other witnesses and police said Uzowihe already allegedly had his gun out while he was running. "He was running pretty fast," Jackson said. "The only thing that messed him up is he was trying to pull his pants up."
///
Chicago commuter trains cut back restrooms
CHICAGO (UPI) -- Operators of the Chicago area's Metra commuter trains have announced they are reducing the number of bathrooms on the trains to make room for more seats. Metra officials said they decided to scale back on restrooms from appearing in about 60 percent of passenger cars to about 50 percent after experiencing a third consecutive year of record ridership and failing to find money in the budget to buy more passenger cars, the Chicago Tribune reported. The officials said every alternating passenger car should have a lavatory after the changes are implemented so those needing to use the facilities won't have to walk any further than "a car length" to empty their bladders and bowels. "Frankly, I have the feeling the customer will hardly notice the difference," Metra Executive Director Phil Pagano told the Tribune. "What they are going to notice, though, is they they'll eventually have a heck of a lot more seats." Officials estimated the added seats will generate $7.5 million in fares each year and save about $2 million annually in maintenance and cleaning costs for the nixed lavatories, the Tribune said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Frog Future
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Week at the Gym
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of
private lessons at the local health club. Though still in
great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in
high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and
try it. I called and made reservations with someone named
Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with
how enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my
progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but
worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was
waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond
hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines
and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think
just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about
ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was
very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was
already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I
was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door,
but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this
heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it,
for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it
all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia
in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little
impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the
stair "monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of
elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live
longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a
full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it
took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to
lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be
in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she
sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. If there
was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her
with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my
triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have
triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand
me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the
damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The
treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt
like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a
music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine,
wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV
remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather
channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over.
Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more
fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Military HousingTold to treat his military housing as he would if he owned it, the Navy Chief quickly put up a sign in the front yard: "For Sale."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the
refrigerator." --Bill Lawrence
***
"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same
thing to me: "Basement?" --Rodney Dangerfield
***
"It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation
has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane I saw the
pilot putting the 'club' on the steering wheel."
--John Mendoza
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
[I know this is supposed to be humorous...but some of these
tips make a lot of sense to me.]
Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple
* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't
know.
* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car
phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to
your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and
mounting the curb.
* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.
* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and
remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a
contrasting polish should be selected).
* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging
your head repeatedly on the wall.
some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.
She sent the following e-mail: "If anybody can say where
they lost $66, please let me know and it will be returned
to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Arlington Race Track,
May, 2006."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Heading down the interstate, our car passed through a huge
swarm of gnats so dense that their bodies made popping noises
as they hit the windshield. "I can't get over how loud they
are," my wife said.
"Well, we are hitting them at 65 miles an hour," I pointed
out.
Her reply left me speechless. "There's no way bugs can fly
that fast!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Film crew claims footage may be monster
OSTERSUND, Sweden (UPI) -- A Swedish TV station has captured footage that it claims might depict the country's legendary Storsjoodjuret sea monster in the north of the country. Svergies Television said cameras set up at the Storsjon lake captured footage that shows a blurry, long and narrow silhouette that might belong to the Storsjoodjuret, or Great Lake Sea Monster, Swedish news agency TT reported. "(The video) clearly shows that it's warm and is made up of cells, otherwise our cameras wouldn't indicate red, so it can be a sea snake or some other kind of sea animal," a member of the film crew said. The TV station said 30 cameras will be set up to monitor the lake by 2009 to watch for signs of the beast, which was first mentioned in print in 1635, The Telegraph (Britain) reported. More than 200 sightings of the Storsjoodjuret have been reported in Sweden.
///
McCain Foods uses candidate to boost image
PHOENIX (UPI) -- Canada's McCain Foods said it is using the presidential campaign of John McCain -- no relation to the company -- to boost its image in the United States. McCain Foods took out a full page ad in USA Today that humorously tied the presumptive Republican nominee to its frozen potato products, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. The ad, headlined "Why McCain Should Be In the White House," steers clear of endorsing or even mentioning the Arizona senator and instead lists reasons why consumers should embrace change and choose its spuds rather than settling for ordinary French fries. The ad will be accompanied by on-the-street performances by comedian-impressionist Frank Caliendo in the McCain-friendly territory of Phoenix, McCain Foods said. Caliendo will be performing in character as John McCain while name-dropping the Canadian company's potatoes. The performances will be taped and posted to YouTube and other Web sites in an attempt to help raise the profile of the company in its neighbor to the south.
///
Baggy pants trip up fleeing suspect
ATLANTA (UPI) -- An Atlanta man trying to escape from police tripped and fell as he tried to hold his baggy pants up, officers said. Emmanuel Uzowihe, 21, allegedly pointed a gun at the police officers as he lay on the ground, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported. He was shot and wounded. The incident near the Fulton County Courthouse began when police tried to pull Uzowihe over because of a traffic violation. He allegedly stopped his white Toyota sedan but jumped out and ran away. Anthony Gentile, a police investigator, said an officer followed Uzowihe, ordering him several times to stop. Darrell Jackson said he saw Uzowihe run past, cursing. Other witnesses and police said Uzowihe already allegedly had his gun out while he was running. "He was running pretty fast," Jackson said. "The only thing that messed him up is he was trying to pull his pants up."
///
Chicago commuter trains cut back restrooms
CHICAGO (UPI) -- Operators of the Chicago area's Metra commuter trains have announced they are reducing the number of bathrooms on the trains to make room for more seats. Metra officials said they decided to scale back on restrooms from appearing in about 60 percent of passenger cars to about 50 percent after experiencing a third consecutive year of record ridership and failing to find money in the budget to buy more passenger cars, the Chicago Tribune reported. The officials said every alternating passenger car should have a lavatory after the changes are implemented so those needing to use the facilities won't have to walk any further than "a car length" to empty their bladders and bowels. "Frankly, I have the feeling the customer will hardly notice the difference," Metra Executive Director Phil Pagano told the Tribune. "What they are going to notice, though, is they they'll eventually have a heck of a lot more seats." Officials estimated the added seats will generate $7.5 million in fares each year and save about $2 million annually in maintenance and cleaning costs for the nixed lavatories, the Tribune said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Frog Future
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Week at the Gym
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of
private lessons at the local health club. Though still in
great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in
high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and
try it. I called and made reservations with someone named
Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with
how enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my
progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but
worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was
waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond
hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines
and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think
just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about
ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was
very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was
already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I
was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door,
but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this
heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it,
for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it
all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia
in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little
impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the
stair "monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of
elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live
longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a
full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it
took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to
lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be
in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she
sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. If there
was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her
with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my
triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have
triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand
me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the
damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The
treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt
like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a
music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine,
wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV
remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather
channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over.
Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more
fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Military HousingTold to treat his military housing as he would if he owned it, the Navy Chief quickly put up a sign in the front yard: "For Sale."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the
refrigerator." --Bill Lawrence
***
"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same
thing to me: "Basement?" --Rodney Dangerfield
***
"It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation
has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane I saw the
pilot putting the 'club' on the steering wheel."
--John Mendoza
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
[I know this is supposed to be humorous...but some of these
tips make a lot of sense to me.]
Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple
* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't
know.
* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car
phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to
your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and
mounting the curb.
* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.
* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and
remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a
contrasting polish should be selected).
* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging
your head repeatedly on the wall.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 16th
Noise Under the Floor
My bathroom is in the back of the house and it's hard to
hear when anyone is on the property.
One morning while getting ready for work, and thinking I was
the only one at home, I kept hearing something crawl around
under my bathroom floor. Thinking that somehow the
neighbor's cat had gotten under the house, I began stomping
the floor hard and shouting at the top of my lungs, "Get out
of there!" and "Stop that!" Finally, the moving stopped so I
finished what I was doing and left for work.
When I returned home that evening, I found a note that the
exterminators had been there for their annual inspection. I
turned to my husband and said, "Honey, do the exterminators
crawl around under the house?"
He said, "Sure, why?"
That's when I burst out laughing. It took me several minutes
to tell my husband what I had done. He cracked up at the
thought of me standing in the bathroom stomping and
shouting, and he said, "It's a good thing he didn't answer
you back or you would have keeled over dead!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Replica cannon stolen from park
ISLE OF WIGHT, Va. (UPI) -- Authorities in Isle of Wight, Va., said a replica Civil War cannon and a historic sign have been stolen from a park dedicated to the conflict. Isle of Wight County sheriff's 1st Sgt. Paul Phelps said deputies responding to Aug. 19 reports of vandalism at Fort Huger park discovered the cannon and sign missing the next morning, the Newport News (Va.) Daily Press reported Wednesday. Phelps said investigators currently have no witnesses or leads in the case and authorities are baffled as to how the cannon, which was displayed on three pedestals behind a low brick wall, was removed from the site. He said deputies are attempting to determine whether the theft of the cannon, which is owned by development company Lawnes Point on the James, was a prank, a history fan's attempt to obtain the piece for a collection or aimed at selling the item as scrap metal.
///
Grandma fights $10,500 cell phone bill
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (UPI) -- A North Carolina retiree says she's been battling her phone company since 2006 over a $10,500 bill for calls to an adult chat line she claims she never used. Opal Savage of Charlotte said the majority of her $10,539.72 Verizon Wireless bill came from six weeks worth of calls to chat line Secret Encounters and she is refusing to pay the bill because she claims she is not responsible for them, The Charlotte Observer reported Wednesday. Savage said she believes her number was stolen by someone who used it to make the calls. She said she faults Verizon for failing to notify her when her bill, which is usually about $250, soared into the thousands and topped $10,000. The grandmother said her two grandsons, ages 13 and 17, could not have made the calls without her knowledge. Both have signed sworn affidavits denying they made the calls during the six-week period in 2006. Savage said she is taking her case into the legal arena and filed a police report related to the bill last week.
///
Residents: Beagle stealing shoes
WAVELAND, Ind. (UPI) -- People in Waveland, Ind., say a string of bizarre shoe thefts are being blamed on a beagle believed to be taking the shoes to a local fire station. Angie Jeffers said one of her son's shoes disappeared after being left outside overnight and soon turned up near the firehouse, WLFI-TV in Lafayette, Ind., reported Wednesday. Locals said shoes began arriving at the fire department in June and since then only Jeffers and one other person have reported seeing the thief -- a small beagle. "He's a little beagle dog," said Jeffers. "He was laying there in the sun on the ramp, where the firetrucks come out, with a shoe beside him." Acting town marshal Rob Kiger said he also spotted the beagle, who is believed to be a stray, carrying a tennis shoe in his mouth and another curious item on his head. "The shoe bandit beagle came out of the alley and down this street, with a pair of women's underwear on his head," said Kiger. "He turned down the street and headed for the fire department." Officials said the dog, who takes only one shoe at a time and never leaves any bite marks on the items, has proven difficult to capture. "Can't catch him," Kiger said. "A lot of people have tried. But nobody can catch him."
///
Police: Taking fountain coins not illegal
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Police in New York said taking change from a fountain in front of City Hall is not illegal after a man was spotted mining the fountain for coins. Witnesses reported a man taking nickels, dimes and quarters that had been thrown into the fountain as a traditional gesture of good luck or wish-making, but police said the practice of taking coins from the fountain is not against the law, the New York Post reported Wednesday. "Unless there are other varying factors, like public drunkenness, then no (it's not a crime)," a police source said. The practice is, however, unusual, said Gene Nervina, 73, whose company handles the plumbing for the fountain. "I've never seen it happen. I find it really odd," Nervina said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Postal Service Options
An elderly woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.
"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime."
He glanced at her and said, "That will be $3.95, please."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Band Played OnA band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although the crowd had dwindled down to one man. Finally, the tired musicians told the man that if he left, they could all go home."It's up to you," he answered. "I'm just waiting to put away all those folding chairs."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Walking Economy
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy." The friend asks, "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Last Rites
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Understanding Father
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him about sex. Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He covers a wide and varied assortment of topics and sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Flat Tire
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem. The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem." The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself." The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so
they won't think something's wrong with me." --Elayne Boosler
***
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist...
for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.
***
Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.
Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting
room like everyone else.
My bathroom is in the back of the house and it's hard to
hear when anyone is on the property.
One morning while getting ready for work, and thinking I was
the only one at home, I kept hearing something crawl around
under my bathroom floor. Thinking that somehow the
neighbor's cat had gotten under the house, I began stomping
the floor hard and shouting at the top of my lungs, "Get out
of there!" and "Stop that!" Finally, the moving stopped so I
finished what I was doing and left for work.
When I returned home that evening, I found a note that the
exterminators had been there for their annual inspection. I
turned to my husband and said, "Honey, do the exterminators
crawl around under the house?"
He said, "Sure, why?"
That's when I burst out laughing. It took me several minutes
to tell my husband what I had done. He cracked up at the
thought of me standing in the bathroom stomping and
shouting, and he said, "It's a good thing he didn't answer
you back or you would have keeled over dead!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Replica cannon stolen from park
ISLE OF WIGHT, Va. (UPI) -- Authorities in Isle of Wight, Va., said a replica Civil War cannon and a historic sign have been stolen from a park dedicated to the conflict. Isle of Wight County sheriff's 1st Sgt. Paul Phelps said deputies responding to Aug. 19 reports of vandalism at Fort Huger park discovered the cannon and sign missing the next morning, the Newport News (Va.) Daily Press reported Wednesday. Phelps said investigators currently have no witnesses or leads in the case and authorities are baffled as to how the cannon, which was displayed on three pedestals behind a low brick wall, was removed from the site. He said deputies are attempting to determine whether the theft of the cannon, which is owned by development company Lawnes Point on the James, was a prank, a history fan's attempt to obtain the piece for a collection or aimed at selling the item as scrap metal.
///
Grandma fights $10,500 cell phone bill
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (UPI) -- A North Carolina retiree says she's been battling her phone company since 2006 over a $10,500 bill for calls to an adult chat line she claims she never used. Opal Savage of Charlotte said the majority of her $10,539.72 Verizon Wireless bill came from six weeks worth of calls to chat line Secret Encounters and she is refusing to pay the bill because she claims she is not responsible for them, The Charlotte Observer reported Wednesday. Savage said she believes her number was stolen by someone who used it to make the calls. She said she faults Verizon for failing to notify her when her bill, which is usually about $250, soared into the thousands and topped $10,000. The grandmother said her two grandsons, ages 13 and 17, could not have made the calls without her knowledge. Both have signed sworn affidavits denying they made the calls during the six-week period in 2006. Savage said she is taking her case into the legal arena and filed a police report related to the bill last week.
///
Residents: Beagle stealing shoes
WAVELAND, Ind. (UPI) -- People in Waveland, Ind., say a string of bizarre shoe thefts are being blamed on a beagle believed to be taking the shoes to a local fire station. Angie Jeffers said one of her son's shoes disappeared after being left outside overnight and soon turned up near the firehouse, WLFI-TV in Lafayette, Ind., reported Wednesday. Locals said shoes began arriving at the fire department in June and since then only Jeffers and one other person have reported seeing the thief -- a small beagle. "He's a little beagle dog," said Jeffers. "He was laying there in the sun on the ramp, where the firetrucks come out, with a shoe beside him." Acting town marshal Rob Kiger said he also spotted the beagle, who is believed to be a stray, carrying a tennis shoe in his mouth and another curious item on his head. "The shoe bandit beagle came out of the alley and down this street, with a pair of women's underwear on his head," said Kiger. "He turned down the street and headed for the fire department." Officials said the dog, who takes only one shoe at a time and never leaves any bite marks on the items, has proven difficult to capture. "Can't catch him," Kiger said. "A lot of people have tried. But nobody can catch him."
///
Police: Taking fountain coins not illegal
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Police in New York said taking change from a fountain in front of City Hall is not illegal after a man was spotted mining the fountain for coins. Witnesses reported a man taking nickels, dimes and quarters that had been thrown into the fountain as a traditional gesture of good luck or wish-making, but police said the practice of taking coins from the fountain is not against the law, the New York Post reported Wednesday. "Unless there are other varying factors, like public drunkenness, then no (it's not a crime)," a police source said. The practice is, however, unusual, said Gene Nervina, 73, whose company handles the plumbing for the fountain. "I've never seen it happen. I find it really odd," Nervina said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Postal Service Options
An elderly woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.
"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime."
He glanced at her and said, "That will be $3.95, please."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Band Played OnA band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although the crowd had dwindled down to one man. Finally, the tired musicians told the man that if he left, they could all go home."It's up to you," he answered. "I'm just waiting to put away all those folding chairs."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Walking Economy
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy." The friend asks, "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Last Rites
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Understanding Father
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him about sex. Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He covers a wide and varied assortment of topics and sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Flat Tire
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem. The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem." The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself." The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so
they won't think something's wrong with me." --Elayne Boosler
***
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist...
for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.
***
Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.
Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting
room like everyone else.
Monday, September 15, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 15th
Whose Birthday?
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Don't Have Anything
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry. Don't have that." "My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the store!" The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Traditional Roles
Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Third Baby
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The inside word is that Obama went back and forth with Joe
Biden and Virginia Gov. Tim Kane. Ultimately, it came down
to a game of Barack-paper-scissors." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The air quality in New York is getting worse and worse. I
was walking thought Central Park during my lunch hour and,
honest to God, you could hear the birds coughing."
-Dave Letterman
***
"Welcome to the historic Orpheum Theatre. When people ask me
how to get here, I tell them walk down to Market Street and
when you get scared, it's another four blocks. When you get
stabbed, you know you've arrived." -Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild
winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the
garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse
repellants, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind
of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it
to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal
repellant. He told her that it worked on every thing from
mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a
bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a
couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant
in the garage the whole time!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at
the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came
up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do
to change the address on my account?"
Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Dear Dog"
Dear Dog,
I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint.
Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.
Best regards,
The Cat
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf - all I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, 'Let's eat out!'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Booty"
A famous treasure hunter went out one day with all of his diving gear to search for a treasure box that was supposed to be on a sunken ship. He swam around for a while and looked where it was supposed to be, but didn't find anything.
When he was walking out of the water, really close to the shore, he tripped on something. He started to dig around it and it was the treasure chest he was looking for.
All this goes to prove that booty is only shin deep!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Teenage CelebrationDining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward the end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera."Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?""Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always get double prints."
”Car Repair”
Wayne, a friend of mine, owns an auto-repair business. One day a woman called to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied. "bring it right in."
A short time later, the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.
"Wow!" Remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."
She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"
-- Bonus Content --
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.
These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The River
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!" As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365:" "Shall We Gather at the River."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No Tantrums
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Don't Have Anything
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry. Don't have that." "My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the store!" The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Traditional Roles
Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Third Baby
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The inside word is that Obama went back and forth with Joe
Biden and Virginia Gov. Tim Kane. Ultimately, it came down
to a game of Barack-paper-scissors." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The air quality in New York is getting worse and worse. I
was walking thought Central Park during my lunch hour and,
honest to God, you could hear the birds coughing."
-Dave Letterman
***
"Welcome to the historic Orpheum Theatre. When people ask me
how to get here, I tell them walk down to Market Street and
when you get scared, it's another four blocks. When you get
stabbed, you know you've arrived." -Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild
winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the
garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse
repellants, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind
of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it
to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal
repellant. He told her that it worked on every thing from
mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a
bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a
couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant
in the garage the whole time!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at
the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came
up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do
to change the address on my account?"
Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Dear Dog"
Dear Dog,
I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint.
Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.
Best regards,
The Cat
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf - all I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, 'Let's eat out!'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Booty"
A famous treasure hunter went out one day with all of his diving gear to search for a treasure box that was supposed to be on a sunken ship. He swam around for a while and looked where it was supposed to be, but didn't find anything.
When he was walking out of the water, really close to the shore, he tripped on something. He started to dig around it and it was the treasure chest he was looking for.
All this goes to prove that booty is only shin deep!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Teenage CelebrationDining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward the end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera."Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?""Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always get double prints."
”Car Repair”
Wayne, a friend of mine, owns an auto-repair business. One day a woman called to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied. "bring it right in."
A short time later, the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.
"Wow!" Remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."
She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"
-- Bonus Content --
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.
These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The River
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!" As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365:" "Shall We Gather at the River."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No Tantrums
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Sunday, September 14, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 14th
Flight Attendant
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants. "On landing," the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Frivolous Lawsuit
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Shirt Note"
The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.
Heart aflutter, he opened her response.
It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
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CleanQuote
"One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young."
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Illustration - "Criticism" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
At a dinner party, one of the guests was an obnoxiously loud young man. He made disparaging remarks about everyone and everything. When served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "I suppose this is pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"
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Parking Spaces
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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reat Theft
Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet? Right now the cops have nothing to go on.
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College Exam Plea
O Lord, hear my anxious pleaCalculus is killing meI know not of 'dx' or 'dy'And probably won't until the day I die.Please, Lord, help me in this hourAs I take my case to the highest power.I care not for fame or lootJust help me find one square root.And Lord, please let me seeOne passing mark in organic chemistry.Oh such a thing I constantly dreadI'd just as soon join the Marines instead.Lord, please give me a signThat you've been listening all the time.Please lead me out of this constant comaAnd give me a shot at my diploma.
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Customer Service
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can't agree on how that works." --David Letterman "This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!" --Conan O'Brien "As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno "Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years" --David Letterman "Tomorrow night at the Democratic Convention to show her support for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Everyone's waiting to hear what she says, yeah. Hillary's speech is entitled, 'Forget All Those Things I Said During The Primaries.'" --Conan O'Brien "Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno "The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis." --Conan O'Brien "As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused." --Jay Leno "How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?" --Jay Leno "John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can’t have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down." --Jay Leno
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Not Welcome
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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Divorce Court
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said,"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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Bad Japanese Economy
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants. "On landing," the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
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Frivolous Lawsuit
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
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"Shirt Note"
The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.
Heart aflutter, he opened her response.
It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
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CleanQuote
"One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Criticism" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
At a dinner party, one of the guests was an obnoxiously loud young man. He made disparaging remarks about everyone and everything. When served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "I suppose this is pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Parking Spaces
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
reat Theft
Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet? Right now the cops have nothing to go on.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
College Exam Plea
O Lord, hear my anxious pleaCalculus is killing meI know not of 'dx' or 'dy'And probably won't until the day I die.Please, Lord, help me in this hourAs I take my case to the highest power.I care not for fame or lootJust help me find one square root.And Lord, please let me seeOne passing mark in organic chemistry.Oh such a thing I constantly dreadI'd just as soon join the Marines instead.Lord, please give me a signThat you've been listening all the time.Please lead me out of this constant comaAnd give me a shot at my diploma.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Customer Service
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can't agree on how that works." --David Letterman "This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!" --Conan O'Brien "As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno "Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years" --David Letterman "Tomorrow night at the Democratic Convention to show her support for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Everyone's waiting to hear what she says, yeah. Hillary's speech is entitled, 'Forget All Those Things I Said During The Primaries.'" --Conan O'Brien "Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno "The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis." --Conan O'Brien "As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused." --Jay Leno "How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?" --Jay Leno "John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can’t have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down." --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Not Welcome
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Divorce Court
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said,"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bad Japanese Economy
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
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