hUMOR For June 27th

Jars and Bottles

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

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Gift to Dad

A lumberjack had raised his only son and had managed to

finance the young man's college education by the only way he

knew how -- cutting down trees, by hand.

The young man had helped his father cut down some of those

trees. He knew how hard his father had to work to put him

through college.

When the son started college, he promised himself that the

first thing he would do was to buy his father a present that

would make the old man's life easier. The son saved and

scrimped and finally had enough money to purchase the finest

chainsaw in the world.

On a school vacation, the son asked his dad how many trees

could he cut down in one day. The father, a large husky man,

thought and said on a good day he was able to bring down 20

trees. The son gave his father the brand-new chainsaw and

said from now on he would be able to triple the amount and

work only half as hard.

The old man was very pleased and said he had the best son in

the world. The young man left for school the next morning

and wasn't able to return until the next school break, three

months later.

When he arrived, he immediately noticed that his dad

appeared run down. He asked if his father was feeling all

right. The old man replied that cutting trees was getting

harder and harder and now with the new chainsaw he was

working longer hours but not cutting as many trees as

before.

The son knew there was something wrong and thought perhaps

the saw he purchased wasn't as good as advertised. He asked

to check it out. Upon examining it, he checked the oiler and

it was full. He checked the gas and it too was full. He

yanked on the cord and immediately it roared to life.

His father grabbed him by the shirt and hollered, "WHAT'S

THAT NOISE!?!?"

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"I am wearing one of the sweaters from "The Cosby Show."

Bill Cosby and his wife Camille are auctioning them off

for their charity. This is a piece of television history.

When I wear it, though, I have a strong craving for a

Jell-O Pudding Pop." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"It's hot out! It's so hot out that I stopped at Ben and

Jerry's for a scoop of ice cream and the guy at the counter

asked if I wanted that in a cup, cone, or in my pants."

--Dave Letterman

***

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that

one can be designated driver." --Jay Leno

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[I know this is supposed to be humorous...but some of these

tips make a lot of sense to me.]

Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.

Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't

know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car

phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to

your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and

mounting the curb.

* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers

turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked

illegally.

* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and

remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.

The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom

carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a

contrasting polish should be selected).

* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply

pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The

blockage is almost instantly removed.

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The

following morning you can create the effects of hangover by

drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging

your head repeatedly on the wall.

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One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune

by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me,

"Well, did he?"

"Did he what?"

"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" she asked.

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Sentimental Golfer

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

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Bad Shape

A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes
bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live
it up. Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a
shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery
in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen.

The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."

The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."

The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if
you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."

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Parked Cars in the Snow

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars
so that we may begin plowing?"

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve
hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class?"

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”Certificate Hunt”

To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called he church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate.

We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember.

After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."

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"Sorting Letters"

Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he would be an extra set of hands.

The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur.

Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of the day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"

Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."

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"Eternity"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A number of years ago my wife and I were living in Arkansas, where I was pastoring a church.

Some friends came from Texas to visit. We drove them around to see the country side and drove by a country church that had a cemetery adjoining.

This couple had twin boys about the age of 5 and as we passed the cemetery one of the boys said,

"Look at all those birth stones."

- Freddy Boen

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Running Fast

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

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Bad News and Worse News

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

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Lost paper

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

hUMOR For June 26th

Escaped

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman.

"Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman.

Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer."

"The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith."

The third said "My name is Ken... Ken Tuckyfriedchicken!"

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Alligator Teeth

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much

to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

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How many zeros in a billion?

This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.


A.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D.

A billion dollars ago was only

8 hours and 20 minutes,

at the rate our government

is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...

let's take a look at New Orleans ..

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator,

Mary Landrieu

asked Congress

250 BILLION DOLLARS (by the way, that's OUR money, not Congress's.)

to rebuild New Orleans . (Not to mention the millions for levee building and repairs over the years from the fed. govt. that amazingly was never spent for that but .... hm....m.....m... wonder where that money DID go?)

Interesting number anyway ...

what does it mean?

A.

Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans

(every man, woman, and child)

you each get $516,528.

B.

Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.

Or... if you are a family of four...

your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D. C

< HELLO! >

Are all your calculators broken??

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"Rain or Shine"

It was raining quite hard as U.S. Marine trainees assembled outdoors for a briefing. On a blackboard, the lieutenant instructor had prepared a detailed drawing of the tactics he wanted practiced.

"Don't think we're going to call this off just because of a little rain," he said.

Then he turned to the blackboard which had been washed clean.

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CleanQuote

"Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you really feel like stripping the gears."

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Weird News

Winning lotto tickets found weeks later

SACRAMENTO (UPI) -- A California woman and a Maryland man have reported discovering $250,000 lottery tickets in separate incidents.

The Price George's County, Md., man, whose name was not released, said he found his Mega Millions ticket in his jacket pocket, where it had resided for nearly a month and a half, WBAL-TV in Baltimore reported Tuesday.

"I was lucky to wear the jacket that day. I probably wouldn't wear it for the rest of the season," the winner said.

Meanwhile, Candy Tyree of Sacramento, Calif., said she was about to throw away an old recliner when her husband told her he had stuffed a week-old Mega Millions ticket in the chair, KCRA-TV in Sacramento reported Tuesday.

She said she retrieved the ticket from the recliner, which had already been taken outside, and looked up the winning numbers from the drawing.

Tyree said the ticket turned out to be worth $249,050.

Her husband Jim said the incident has caused his wife to reconsider tossing the old recliner.

"It could be the lucky chair now," he said.

///

Trump visits mom's birthplace in Scotland

STORNOWAY, Scotland (UPI) -- U.S. developer Donald Trump, on a trip to Scotland to lobby for his proposed golf resort, stopped off at the island cottage where his mother grew up.

Trump's private jet dwarfed everything else on the runway at Stornoway Airport on the Isle of Lewis, The Scotsman reported. Trump, his sister, Maryanne Trump Barry, a federal appeals judge, and a retinue of security guards and PR people traveled to the cottage Monday in a four-car convoy.

Mary Macleod was born on Lewis in 1912, the daughter of a crofter. In 1936, she married Fred Trump, who later became one of New York's foremost developers, in New York City.

The cottage where the Macleods lived in the hamlet of Tong 4 miles from Stornoway is still occupied by two cousins, Willie and Alastair Murray.

"It was a bit of a scrum, right enough, but he was terrific and he enjoyed the trip to Tong," Willie Murray said of the visit.

Trump denied that his side trip to Lewis was a publicity stunt in aid of his plans for the east coast of Scotland. He said his $2 billion project is a chance to do "something historic" for the country where his mother was born.

///

Man 'lucky' after nail pierces skull

SHAWNEE, Kan. (UPI) -- A Shawnee, Kan., man said he evaded serious injury when a rogue nail fired from a nail gun embedded itself in his skull.

George Chandler said he was building a lattice with a friend when the nail gun hose became tangled and fired off a nail, KCTV, Kansas City, Mo., reported Tuesday.

Chandler said he and his friend initially did not know where the nail had landed, but soon found the 2 and a half inch piece of hardware had gone into his skull on the top of his head.

"It was just like a maybe like a sting, bite or something, you know," Chandler said.

He said there was no blood around the wound and he was alert when an ambulance arrived and took him to a hospital. He said a doctor requested a very special instrument for his treatment.

"'Does anybody have a hammer, a claw hammer.' I thought he was teasing at first, but then he says, 'No. It went in like that. We can pull it out like that,'" Chandler said.

Doctors told Chandler's family that he could have faced paralysis or serious injuries to his eyesight or ability to speak if the nail had entered his skull a fraction of an inch lower.

///

Trial aborted after jurors play Sudoku

SYDNEY (UPI) -- An Australian drug trial was aborted after three months when it was discovered that jurors were playing Sudoku in the jury box.

Judge Peter Zahra of District Court in Sydney released the jury after the forewoman admitted that she and four other jurors had spent a large amount of their time during the trial playing the popular game, the Sydney Morning Herald reported Tuesday.

Defense lawyers Adam Morison and Michael Coroneos filed to have the jury discharged after the two men accused in the trial said they saw the jury forewoman playing the game during one of the defendants' testimony. The forewoman admitted to spending about half of her time in the jury box playing the game.

Morison said it was "extraordinary that 105 witnesses, including 20 police, had been in the witness box and not seen what was happening."

Zahra verbally reprimanded the Sudoku players, but provincial laws do not allow for the prosecution of inattentive jurors.

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Library Complaint

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

hUMOR For June 25th

Finish What You Start

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

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Emotional Extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

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Things You Never Hear in Church

- Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

- I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

- Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

- I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

- I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

- Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

- I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

- Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

- Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

- Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

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Three Dogs

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when

they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to

be the one to reach her first, but they end up arriving in

front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on

themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three

suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first

one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in

an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says,

"I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," says the poodle. "That shows no

imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the

tall, shiny golden retriever and says, "How well can you

do?"

"Um ... I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the golden

retriever.

"My, my," says the poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's

just as dumb as the lab's sentence." She then turns to the

last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little

guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and

finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile

and a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the lab,

and says...

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

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Locate the Road

A friend and I were driving in the country looking for an address. We
found the town, but we couldn't locate the road.

We drove to the police station. They'd never heard of the road. Neither
had the Fire Department. We went to City Hall, where a community get-
together was going on. We consulted a map, with no luck, until finally
we happened to ask one young man who knew exactly where the street was.
He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there.

I said, "Thank you. Are you with the Police? Or the Fire Department?"

"Neither. I deliver pizzas."

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The Game Warden

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running
through the woods and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the boy stopped and stooped over with his
hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally
caught up to him. "Lets see your fishing license!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the young man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game
Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a
box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young man, "but my friend back there, well,
he don't have one..."

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Weird News

Upper Deck unveils presidential race cards

CARLSBAD, Calif. (UPI) -- California baseball card maker Upper Deck has revealed its new set of caricature cards featuring U.S. presidential candidates.

The cards, which Upper Deck said will be inserted at random into packets of its 2008 baseball-card series, include a card depicting Hillary Clinton, who exited the race during the weekend, lifting presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama in celebration, the New York Post reported.

Also included is a card depicting Sen. Obama, Ill., sliding across home plate in Jackie Robinson's Brooklyn Dodgers No. 42 while presumptive Republican nominee Sen. John McCain of Arizona attempts to tag him out in a scene recreated from the 1955 World Series.

///

McDonald's workers catch chicken

TEMECULA, Calif. (UPI) -- Employees of a Temecula, Calif., McDonald's said they have captured a chicken that had terrorized the restaurant's drive-through lane for nearly four months.

The employees said the brave fowl would anger customers by blocking the drive-through lanes and bother employees by shedding feathers around the premises, the Riverside (Calif.) Press-Enterprise reported.

Restaurant manager Chona Cauley said the chicken evaded numerous capture attempts, but was finally ensnared after it fell asleep atop a drive-through window.

"Normally, the chicken sleeps in the bushes," Cauley said.

Esmeralda Ruiz, an employee who helped capture the chicken, said she has adopted the animal as a pet.

"She's one of our family members now," Ruiz said.

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///

Aquarium offers shark swim

ATLANTA (UPI) -- Officials at the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta say 1,500 people have registered for a new program that allows visitors to swim with whale sharks and other fish.

The officials the registrants are to swim with the whale sharks and thousands of other species during the remainder of 2008, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported.

The program is aimed at keeping attendance high at the aquarium and educating visitors about the different species of fish.

"It's the only place where you are guaranteed to swim with whale sharks," aquarium spokesman Dave Santucci said. "We want to engage people with animals and help them make a connection."

However, some experts have criticized the program.

"I have numerous concerns with this," said Lori Marino, a senior lecturer in neuroscience and behavioral biology at Emory University. "The first is that they have lost two of them already. And secondly, we don't know a lot about whale sharks, so this just seems risky."

Two of the aquarium's whale sharks, Ralf and Norton, died in 2007. Ralf suffered from peritonitis and Norton is believed to have been made ill by a pesticide that was used to treat his tank for parasites.

///

Bear takes dip with hotel guests

OURAY, Colo. (UPI) -- Guests at a hotel in Ouray, Colo., said they were surprised when a "cute, little cinnamon bear" walked onto hotel grounds and got into the pool with them.

Ryan Hein, general manager of the Best Western Twin Peaks Motel in Ouray, said guests were lounging Thursday night when the "cute, little cinnamon bear walked into our pool area and decided to take a dip," the Grand Junction (Colo.) Daily Sentinel reported.

"He must have needed his muscles soothed," Hein joked. "He just jumped in for a little bit, and then crawled his way out."

Hein said it is not unusual for bears to wander onto the hotel's property because it borders wilderness.

"The bears seem not to be aggressive, but you never know. We're doing what we can to keep our guests safe," Hein said.

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Brandy to the Rescue

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

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What's in a Name

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

hUMOR For June 24th

CleanQuote

"I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids."

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Illustration - "In His Hands"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

"In His Hands"

We know not what tomorrow brings
... Although we plan ahead
For only God alone can know
... the pathway we must tread.

We cannot know the future
... not one minute nor one hour
Each circumstance that we must face
... lay only in His power.

It's vital that we live by faith
... from minute unto minute
And trusting that each step we take
... He's walking with us in it.

We cannot see the future
... nor the trials we must face
But in all things, God promised us
... sufficiency of grace.

This alone should give us hope
... whatever be our plans
In knowing that our future lies
... in His sweet, loving hands.

-Betty Purser Patten

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Get Your Money's Worth

A feisty 70 year-old woman had to call the electric company for a repairman.

After a quick inspection, Al, the man from the power company found the problem and handed her a $70 bill for labor.

"Labor charges! One hour?" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes!"

Al explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.

"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.

Al spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

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"Bosses Night"

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

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CleanQuote

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn no other way."
- Mark Twain

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Illustration - "Trust"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

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Weird News

Crocodile may have been swimming star

ISLE OF PALMS, S.C. (UPI) -- A crocodile captured in Isle of Palms may actually have swum to the South Carolina city from Florida, natural resources officials say.

Steve Bennett, an amphibian and reptile conservation specialist in the South Carolina Department of Natural Resources, said the 6-foot reptile, thought to be an American crocodile, could easily have traveled miles up the Atlantic Coast from the Everglades in southern Florida to Isle of Palms, The (Charleston, S.C.) Post and Courier reported.

"It's not as ludicrous as you think. These are crocodile. They are not American alligators. These are saltwater animals," Bennett said. "Swimming a mile or two off the coast is nothing for a crocodile."

The crocodile was captured Thursday near a pier after managing to avoid trappers for weeks. Sgt. James Ryan of the Isle of Palms Police said residents were advised to stay clear of the potentially dangerous reptile.

"It's the same as when one turns up on the golf course -- 'Guess what? You better let him play through, because he belongs there and you don't,'" Ryan said.

The crocodile is protected under endangered species laws and would likely either be taken to an alligator park or a Florida preserve rather than be put down, The Post and Courier said.

///

New outhouse too fancy for farmer

CINCINNATI (UPI) -- A new outhouse built by a Cincinnati non-profit group is simply too fancy for Elbert "Lew" Preston, the Ohio farmer says.

The 79-year-old retired tobacco farmer said the concrete and treated lumber outhouse built by People Working Cooperatively is a far cry from the simple wooden structure he once had sitting above a hole in the ground, The Cincinnati Enquirer reported.

"It's too nice and complicated to be an outhouse," Preston said. "I call it a privy."

The senior citizen said his old outhouse not only survived decades of usage, but even remained in service after being uprooted by a tornado in 1997.

A visit by board of health officials resulted in the outhouse being condemned. That's when People Working Cooperatively offered to build a new structure for Preston.

He says he misses his dilapidated outhouse but he's relieved he can still relieve himself outside.

"When you're in a house, sounds carry," Preston told the Enquirer. "Everybody knows your business."

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Crosswalks newest undercover police beat

CHICAGO (UPI) -- The upcoming use of undercover police officers at Chicago crosswalks may not be "Serpico," but is a safety necessity, police officials say.

While the undercover efforts pale in comparison to those in the 1973 police corruption movie, Chicago Police Department Traffic Department Cmdr. Robert Evans said the newest police focus is meant to ensure the safety of pedestrians, the Chicago Tribune reported.

The police official said officers will pose as civilians and issue warning citations to those drivers who do not give pedestrians the right of way at crosswalks.

Evans said the undercover assignments may not be full of adventure but that does not mean there is no risk involved.

"We are not going to put officers in jeopardy to make a point," Evans explained. "But any day you put on a police uniform, or put on plainclothes, you are taking risks."

Chicago area resident Gary Hackley suggested the fault may actually lay with pedestrians.

"Chicagoans routinely wander across the middle of streets, engrossed in cell phone calls or sipping their coffee, and leave it to drivers to keep them safe," he told the Tribune.

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Pants"

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked.

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in your family?"

"I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash and iron them."

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Oneliner

"As I said before, I never repeat myself."

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CleanPun - "Pencils"

"A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead."
- Stan Laurel

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”Under the Bed Fear”

John went to a psychiatrist: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?" John asked warily.

"Each visit is $150," replied the doctor.

"Well, I'll sleep on it."

Six months later the doctor bumped into John on the street: "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?"

"Well, one hundred and fifty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A friend at work cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!"

"Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

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Wanted Man

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling."

hUM0R For June 23rd

Oneliner

"Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups."

CleanPun - "Menu Question"

My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA.

Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied, "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

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School Photograph

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think
how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

Vernie at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher ... she's dead."

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”Asking Questions”

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,may I smoke while I pray?"

But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation ;)

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Summer Job Hunt

My brother wanted me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check
with my boss, my friends, my business associates.

Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the
employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section
of the newspaper.

I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.

He said, "A self-starter!"

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Weird News

Mayor wins quarter-million in lottery

LAWRENCEVILLE, Ga. (UPI) -- The mayor of Lawrenceville, Ga., said he has won a quarter of a million dollars from the Mega Millions lottery.

Rex Millsaps, 57, who works as an accountant in addition to his part-time mayoral duties, said his winnings will go toward his daughter's wedding and detailing his pickup truck, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported.

Millsaps said he will give the remaining money to his children and grandchildren.

The mayor said he checked the numbers from the drawing Saturday and called his wife to tell her he had matched the first five numbers of the winning combination.

"She didn't believe me," he said. "I ended up taking it back to the store, and the computer said to go immediately to the lottery office."

Millsaps, who said he plans to run for re-election in November, said his prize would have been $16 million if he had matched the Mega Ball number, 32. He said his ticket bore the number 34 in the Mega Ball category.

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Bride's vomit fear delays wedding

LONDON (UPI) -- A London bride-to-be whose wedding was postponed because of her fear of vomiting said she is seeking hypnotherapy to help her overcome her phobia.

Emma Pelling, 19, said she has been unable to go through with her wedding to Gareth Heal because she suffers from emetophobia, an intense fear of vomiting, The Telegraph reported.

"I have this recurring nightmare of being ill as a bride, running out of the church and abandoning my husband at the altar," Pelling said.

Pelling, who said her fear has kept her from visiting places where she has vomited in the past, said she has sought the help of a hypnotherapist to help cure her of the phobia.

"I want to make it a special day for both of us. I hope the hypnotherapist can cure me so I can enjoy our special day without the fear of being ill," she said.

///

Snake gives biologist the slip

EAGLE RIVER, Alaska (UPI) -- An Alaska Fish and Game biologist said a baby rubber boa constrictor has escaped from its terrarium in her Eagle River, Alaska, home.

Biologist Jessy Coltrane said she took in the 8-inch-long snake, named Grubb, after it was found Friday in an Anchorage man's garage, the Anchorage Daily News reported.

However, she said the snake, which is not dangerous to humans, disappeared from its terrarium Tuesday.

Coltrane said Grubb is likely hiding somewhere in the vicinity of her home. She said that during the days it was in her house, it did little other than burrow.

The biologist said experts are unsure of how the baby snake ended up in Anchorage.

"It could be an escaped pet, or it could have come from an escaped female that laid eggs," she said.

///

Free funeral for baseball fan

GRAND PRAIRIE, Texas (UPI) -- A woman who won a free funeral at a Grand Prairie, Texas, minor league baseball game said she has survived numerous medical problems.

Elaine Fulps, 60, bested other Grand Prairie Airhogs fans in a competition that included a pallbearer's race, a mummy wrap and a eulogy delivery at Tuesday's game, The Dallas Morning News reported.

Fulps said she performed all of the feats while wearing a neck brace related to multiple medical problems that have led to about 20 surgeries.

"I almost croaked many times," Fulps said.

"God still has me around for a reason," she said. "To win a funeral."

The $10,000 funeral, part of the American Association of Independent Professional Baseball team's All Hogs Go to Heaven promotion, will be provided by the Chapel of Roses Funeral Home.

Fulps said she plans to meet soon with funeral home officials to work out the details of her prize, which includes a free headstone and burial plot.

"I'm going to pick a spot under a tree out of the Texas heat," she said. "And let's hope it's a pet-free cemetery. I don't want to get watered on."

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An Easy Enough Mistake

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

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Learning Today

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

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Pronouns

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.

Billy: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!

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Feel Better Now

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

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Goodbye, Mom

I was shopping at Walmart and noticed a little old lady

following me around. I stopped; she stopped. Furthermore,

she kept staring at me. She finally overtook me at the

checkout, and she turned to me and said, "I hope I haven't

made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much

like my late son."

I answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, Mom,' as

I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her

way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at me.

Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's

day, I went to pay for my groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

Shocked, I asked, "How come so much!? I only bought five

items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be

paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little old ladies!!!

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"The Chief's Wife"

"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."

The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"