hUMOR For June 18th

Dating Dinosaur Bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling
at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me
how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know
their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years
old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

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Weird News

Zoo: Free admission for Mohawk haircuts

MELBOURNE, Fla. (UPI) -- A zoo in Melbourne, Fla., says visitors sporting Mohawks resembling the manes of Visayan warty pigs will get in free during Father's Day weekend.

The zoo said the promotion, aimed at publicizing the new Visayan warty pig exhibit that is to open June 14, will run in addition to a promotion offering free admission for dads on Father's Day, WKMG-TV in Orlando reported Monday.

Male Visayan warty pigs, which were originally native to six Philippine islands but are now found on only two, bear Mohawk-like manes that often grow to more than one foot in length and stand up vertically when the animals are agitated.

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West Virginians offended by Cheney

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney joked about inbreeding in his family Monday and wound up having to apologize to the people of West Virginia.

Cheney, speaking at the National Press Club in Washington, noted his distant relationship with Sen. Barack Obama, the Democratic presidential contender from Illinois. He then said he had a grandmother whose last name was Tyler but was descended from a Cheney.

"So I had Cheneys on both sides of the family, and we don't even live in West Virginia," the vice president quipped.

While that drew laughs from the crowd, it didn't sit well with West Virginia leaders, who demanded, and got, an apology, The Charleston Gazette reported.

"I truly cannot believe that any vice president of the United States, regardless of their political affiliation, would make such a derogatory statement about my state or any state, for that matter," Gov. Joe Manchin said.

Sen. Robert C. Byrd, D-W.Va., said Cheney showed "contempt and astounding ignorance toward his own countrymen."

Rep. Shelley Moore Capito, R-W.Va., called it "exactly the type of stereotyping that we don't need from our elected officials."

Cheney's office extended an apology.

"The vice president's offhand comment was not meant to hurt anyone,'' Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride said. "On reflection, he concluded that it was an inappropriate attempt at humor that he should not have made. The vice president apologizes to the people of West Virginia for the inappropriate remark.''

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Artist claims yeti scalp in Himalayas

OAKER, England (UPI) -- A British artist claims a sketch she made of a legendary yeti was based on alleged witness accounts and a scalp she saw at a Bhutan monastery in the Himalayas.

Polyanna Pickering said a monk old her the scalp, which is kept in a part of the monastery that is closed to visitors, is 100 years old and came from the mythical primate, The Daily Telegraph reported Monday.

"I was told this was from a Migoi -- their name for the yeti. All I know is, it was bigger than any human or ape scalp I have ever seen," Pickering said. "It had tufts of reddish-black fur coming out of it and was mounted on a pole and seen as a holy relic."

Pickering said she sketched the item and expanded on it after speaking with villagers.

"I was amazed when they told me of regular sightings, close encounters and even tales of people being carried off by the Migoi," she said. "Their descriptions were so detailed, I ended up doing this 'photo-fit' with them all sitting round telling me to alter this or how that should look."

Pickering's sketches will be displayed at her Oaker, England, gallery June 9.

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Britain's top bad boss names: John, Anne

LONDON (UPI) -- An online British poll found the most respondents with gripes about their bosses were unhappy with superiors named John or Anne.

The poll of 4,000 Britons, conducted by YouThinkYourBossIsBad.co.uk, found participants were also plagued by bad bosses named Steve, Paul, Alan, Catherine, Debbie and Linda, The Sun reported Monday.

Additionally, 51 percent of those polled said they have left a job in the past because of unpleasant superiors and 10 percent said they are on the verge of quitting their current job due to an unbearable boss.

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Test Today

A teacher entered her classroom and said, "We are going to

have a test today, whether there is rain or sunshine."

Suddenly, a student burst out laughing. "What's the matter?

Why are you laughing?" asked the teacher.

"Because it's snowing!"

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Tricks for a Better Relationship

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

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Last Request

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests?" asked the Chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

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It's Time to Get a New Lawyer When

- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.

- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

- He begins closing arguments with, "As Denny Crane once said..."

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Buddhist Dog

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

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Dog and Cat Journals

Entries in a dog's journal:

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE THING!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE THING!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE THING!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE THING!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE THING!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE THING!

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE THING!

1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE THING!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE THING!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE THING!

Entries in a cat's journal:

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time..

hUMOR For June 17th

Weird News

Eating 24 hot dogs earns man coveted spot

OVERLAND PARK, Kan. (UPI) -- Erik Denmark, who ate 24 hot dogs and buns to earn a spot in a New York eating contest, says the competition was "most intense."

Denmark, 29, told The Kansas City Star he has played competitive sports, but never experienced anything like Saturday's qualifying event for the annual Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island.

"I grew up playing golf, tennis, a lot of individual sports," said the Seattle native. "Those 10 minutes are the most intense competition I've ever been involved in."

Chris Abatsas, who was beaten out by one hot dog in Saturday's competition, said he was intent on not letting his loss spoil his appetite.

"I'm probably going to enjoy a big fat steak here in a little while. I always do -- it's tradition," the 41-year-old native of Greece told the Star. "There's different compartments in the stomach -- one's for contests, one's for enjoyment, one's for pleasure."

///

Testicle Festival held for a good cause

WOODRUFF, Utah (UPI) -- The eighth annual Testicle Festival in Woodruff, Utah, has helped raised nearly $30,000 for charity by dispensing plenty of bull testicles, volunteers say.

Festival volunteer Lori Cornia said in addition to raising donations, the Black Gold Cattle Co. event served plenty of deep-fried bull testicles, also known as "Rocky Mountain Oysters," The Salt Lake Tribune reported.

"Some people have trouble with them," Cornia said. "Just think of it as veal."

The event, which had 250 pounds of the "Oysters" available for visitors, also included old-time rodeo events such as team branding and range bull riding.

Cornia said the festival was an annual chance for people to enjoy the food once seen as a rare treat by farmers' friends and family.

"It was considered a treat, since they only got it once a year," she told the Tribune. "Of course, you probably wouldn't want to eat it more than that."

///

Police seeking thong-headed bandits

ARVADA, Colo. (UPI) -- Two robbery suspects who allegedly committed their crimes wearing thongs on their heads are being sought in Arvada, Colo., police say.

Police spokeswoman Susan Medina said some people might laugh at the suspects wearing underwear on their heads, but it's not necessarily a laughing matter, Denver's KWGN-TV reported.

"You see these two guys wearing, basically, panties over their heads to disguise themselves," Medina said, referring to a surveillance video of the two men. "But the bottom line is: this is a serious crime."

The two men allegedly broke through the glass door of a convenience store May 16, hitting and robbing the clerk.

Medina told the TV station the suspects' motivation in choosing thongs for a disguise was questionable given the underwear's scant nature.

"There's a plethora of disguises out there: ski masks, character costumes," Medina said. "And, if you're going to wear underwear, certainly there are other kinds that would give you a little more coverage."

///

No slime for New Zealand ghost buster

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (UPI) -- A New Zealand engineer-turned-ghost buster says he is sometimes the scariest thing on site during paranormal investigations.

Modern day ghost buster Brad Scott founded NZ Paranormal to investigate the 10 percent of paranormal activities in the New Zealand capital Wellington that he says defy logic.

"Every so often we come across evidence that we just cannot explain," he told The Dominion Post.

Scott said he spent a frightening amount of money on high-tech equipment -- including voice recorders, video equipment and electromagnetic field, or EMF, detectors -- the New Zealand newspaper reported. Paranormal investigators say other-world entities emit a high electromagnetic field.

Investigators such as Scott typically associate so-called paranormal activity with humidity or broken electrical appliances as logical explanations of haunting.

"I don't have a proton pack," he said -- referring to the fictional nuclear accelerative machinery devised by the main characters in the 1984 film comedy, "Ghostbusters."

He did, however, say he experienced a high EMF reading during his interview for the story.

"That's strange," he said, as he stood next to a headstone.

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It's Simple

The truth is that if you take a little time to learn a few basic principles and some of the technical lingo, buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. So let's get started!

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Unbreakable

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

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Selling Shoes

Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."

At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"

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Best Violins

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy."

The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world."

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

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Customs Questioning

After an overnight flight to meet her husband at his latest military assignment, a woman wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with her nine children - all under age 11. Collecting their many suitcases, the ten of them entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched the entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," she said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed them to pass without opening a single suitcase.

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After an overnight flight to meet her husband at his latest military assignment, a woman wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with her nine children - all under age 11. Collecting their many suitcases, the ten of them entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched the entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," she said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed them to pass without opening a single suitcase.

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A plane is enroute to Philadelphia, when a hunk of a fireman, sitting in Economy Class, gets up, moves into the First Class section of the plane, and sits down. A flight attendant watches all this happen and approaches the fireman. "May I please see your ticket?", asks the attendant.

The attendant looks at the ticket and advises the fireman the ticket is for Economy Class, not First Class and that the fireman would have to relocate back. The fireman lifts his head, removes his a sunglasses, looks at the attendant and replies, "I'm a fireman. I'm a hunk. I'm going to Philadelphia. And I'm staying right here."

The attendant heads to the cockpit and advises the Captain and Co-Captain of what's going on in First Class. The Co-Captain goes back to the fireman and makes an attempt to explain to him he'd have to move. Again, the fireman lifts his head, removes his sunglasses, looks at the Co-Captain and replies, "I'm a fireman. I'm a hunk. I'm going to Philadelphia. And I'm staying right here."

Frustrated, the Co-Captain goes back to the cockpit and tells the Captain of the situation. Hearing the details, the Captain knows he has to go back and confront this man. Turning to the Co-Captain, he asks, "You say he's a fireman? I know how to handle this. My brother-law is a fireman so I know how to speak fireman."

Then Captain then goes back and approaches the fireman. He leans down, whispers something in his ear, and he immediately stands up from his seat, says "I'm so sorry", and heads back to his original seat in Economy Class.

The Co-Captain and attendant are amazed. They ask the Captain what he said to make him move without a fuss.

The Captain replies, "I told him First Class wasn't going to Philadelphia."

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"Summer Job Hunt"

My brother wants me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check with my boss, my friends, my business associates.

Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section of the newspaper.

I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.

He said, "A self-starter!"

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Oneliner

"A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water."
­ Carl Reiner

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CleanPun - "Want that Cart?"

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

hUMOR For June 16th

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the

man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way

(being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the

donkey go was to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop was to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on

the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.

"Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode

off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As

he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to

make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept

going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!" shouted the man. The

donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and

closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer: "Please,

dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the

end of this mountain. In Jesus' name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the

edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

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"This time, like all times, is a very good one if we but

know what to do with it." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

***

Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and

lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and

lodging. --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

***

"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to

public office." --Aesop

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Office Memo:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that

was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to

it. I would find it forever after difficult to meet your

gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion

about java applets or brand identity. Just be aware that

that milk was EXPRESSLY for my baby, if you get my drift. I

will label these things from now on, but if you found your

coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you

might think about calling your mom and telling her you love

her."

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I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a

contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other

day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs

delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-

like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes

best! For each load delivered, the company will provide

one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-

eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

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"Charm School 101"

At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant. She said, "Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you."

Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if man is in the restaurant ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."

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CleanQuote

"If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it!"
- Jonathan Winters

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Illustration - "Number 1"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The coach for the little league team had not yet learned the names of all the players, so he called them by the numbers on their uniforms. He yelled, "Number 5, your time to bat," and Jeff came to the plate to hit. He yelled, "Number 7," and Steve jumped up. Then he yelled, "Number 1," but no one got up.

Again he called out, "Number 1." Still no one emerged from the dugout. The umpire was getting annoyed at the delay, so the coach yelled out, "Who's number 1?"

The entire team responded, "We are, coach. We are!"

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Health Advice

You know you're too busy when things like this happen. Apparently, the competition we're going to is not this weekend, but next weekend. Fortunately, we found out in time to change our plane tickets (for a fee), rental car and hotel reservations. AAARGH!!!

A woman walked up to a wrinkled, little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

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Laws of Cat Physics

LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest,
unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat
food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there
is a really good reason to change direction.

LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler
body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can
neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little
energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must
contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is
directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF PILL REJECTION - Any pill given to a cat has potential energy
to reach escape velocity.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter +
It Doesn't Matter.

LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM - Given enough time, a cat will land in
just about any space.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered.

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Blonde Dream

Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so

she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?

Blonde: I was running in a hallway.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream,

the same thing happened. I would always come to this door,

but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing

the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?

Blonde: Yes, it did.

Doctor: And what did the letters spell?

Blonde: It said, "P-U-L-L."

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"Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have

died out long ago." —Robert Heinlein

***

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water

there is bacteria." -Ben Franklin

***

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means

you've decided to see beyond the imperfections. --Unknown

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This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the

grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy

to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in

the air conditioned house all day while she did all the

work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me

about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside

and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak,

with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing

up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is

mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

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A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a

street corner downtown, when she said, "Excuse me, but if it's

not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"

Our good samaritan replied, "Just a minute." He walked across

the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you fine!"

hUMOR For June 15th

Cxd14One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's

Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests

near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made

some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about

the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain

Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles

farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles." The next one

was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.

We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery,

and it read: "Ice 75 cents."

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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite

friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who

had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,

with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship

might be a possibility between us.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.

"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age

difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He

looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone

who's 104?'"

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Incompetent Truck Driver

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three dangerous looking bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

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”Southern Hospitality”

A very gentle southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please sir, don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

Grasping for any opportunity, she cried, "Think of your job, the work still to be done."

"I was fired today and have no prospect of another job."

Running out of ideas, she appealed to his patriotism and said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

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"Directions"

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped.

We went in to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department.

"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."

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Oneliner

"A deceased atheist is a man who is all dressed up with no place to go!"

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CleanPun - "Suit Purchase"

He said he bought his suit for a ridiculous price.

The truth is, he bought it for an absurd figure.

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A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one
that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in
before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come
in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in
without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes
out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The
team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless
the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get
the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but
one team has more in without being out before coming in

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Weird News

Woman, 101, renews driver's license

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (UPI) -- A 101-year-old Florida woman known as the oldest driver on the planet says people may be surprised she renewed her driver's license until 2011.

Lillian Cox began driving in 1915 and can still be seen putting around Tallahassee, Fla., in her 1984 sedan, WKMG-TV in Orlando reported Thursday.

"They're surprised that I'd get a driver's license at 101. But I have four more years," she said. "I'm sure I look (101 years old) but they don't let me know that."

Cox said, however, she wants to be driven to her upcoming appearance on "Tonight Show with Jay Leno" in a limousine.

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Man survives crotch snake bite

CAIRNS, Australia (UPI) -- A man seemed embarrassed after a snake bit him in the crotch while he was relieving himself on the side of the road in Australia, an ambulance spokesman said.

The tourist could have lost his life when a poisonous brown snake lurched toward his crotch and sunk its teeth into his manhood, the Sun reported Thursday.

It was reported rescue officials hurried to the road near Cairns, Australia, and began on-site treatment.

Medical officials said the man was expected to recover, despite throwing up and complaining of a stomachache.

"It certainly had a swipe at him. But it didn't envenomate him. As it came through it must have got a bit of a shock," the spokesman said. "I think he was a bit shocked and embarrassed."

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Party trashes $8.8 million home

MARBELLA, Spain (UPI) -- A woman says her $8.8 million home in Marbella, Spain, was trashed by 400 revelers who showed up for a party her daughter advertised on the Internet.

Amanda Hudson said she gave her daughter, Jodie, permission to throw her 16th birthday party at the house, but she lost control of the shindig after hundreds of people showed up to party, the Daily Mail reported Thursday.

Jodie Hudson had sent out word about her birthday bash on social networking sites Facebook and Bebo as the "party of the year," the British newspaper reported. The advertisements, which included the address of the house, promised "there's going be a lot of alcohol and an amazing DJ."

Hudson said $12,000 worth of jewelry and multiple clothing items were stolen during the party. Other items, including a TV, were thrown into the house's pool.

She said the house is usually rented out for $8,000 a week during the summer, but the damage done by the party has made the residence unlivable.

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Cab Drivers

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

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Pengiun Movies

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

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Not So Smart

The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems." The chief nodded.

The official continued, "What do you think of all the white man has done?"

The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Medicine man free. Indian people hunted and fished all the time."

The chief paused, then added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

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The Devil You Say

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"

The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

hUMOR For June 14th

Weird News

'Obama Sweet Potato' sells on eBay

BELMONT, N.C. (UPI) -- A Belmont, N.C., man sold a sweet potato on eBay Wednesday that he says resembles Democratic U.S. presidential contender Barack Obama.

The curious spud sold for $8.49 after only three bids.

Seller Wade Jones, whose eBay handle is howardrobardhughes, described the item as a "Sweet Potato that looks like future Prez Barack Obama."

He said in the item's description that he spotted the Illinois senator's face on the starch while talking politics in the grocery store.

"I was wearing my Obama 'Yes We Can' bracelet … when someone stopped me in front of the sweet potato bin, and asked me where I got my bracelet ... I then looked down, and saw 'The Barack Obama Sweet Potato' staring right back at me," the seller wrote.

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Man impaled by branch to recover

MINNEAPOLIS (UPI) -- Minneapolis doctors said a 24-year-old man whose leg was impaled on an oak branch is expected to make a full recovery.

Doctors at Hennepin County Medical Center said that after three surgeries and physical therapy, Josh Skattum will have only a 2-foot-long scar on his leg to remember the branch, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported Wednesday.

Trauma surgeon Dr. Jon Krook said the branch, which was almost 3 inches in diameter, missed Skattum's major artery and did not break any bones.

"If it hit that artery, he could have bled to death,'' Krook said.

Skattum said the branch impaled his leg while he was riding in a golf cart at dusk with his brother.

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Woman warned for warning customers

CHEDDAR, England (UPI) -- A Cheddar, England, shopkeeper said police have threatened to arrest her if she continues to warn illegally parked customers that police are on their way.

Alma Floyd, 60, said she was told by police that she was interfering with officers "in their line of duty" when she warned customers that Police Community Support Officers were spotted ticketing cars in the area, The Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

She said they threatened to arrest her if she continues to give the warnings.

Floyd said she told customers when she saw officers in the area because she feared enforcement of parking laws could hurt business at her dairy shop.

"Ever since the new parking rules were introduced we have seen a slump in trade," she said. "The crackdown on parking on that pavement means passing motorists have nowhere to park, and they don't come in. So I've been looking out for them whenever they come near -- it's the only thing I can do."

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Suspect's getaway foiled

ALBUQUERQUE (UPI) -- Authorities in Albuquerque said a burglary suspect who fled the home of a sheriff's sergeant was arrested after a panhandler saw his car and dialed 911.

Investigators said the suspect, Joseph Ballejos, 35, fled the sergeant's home in an SUV after the officer arrived home at 3 p.m. Tuesday, KRQE-TV, Albuquerque, reported Wednesday.

"(The sergeant) turned around and tried to stop the car: the car didn't stop, fled from the scene," sheriff's Sgt. Van Eldredge said. "The sergeant was concerned someone else might still back in his house, so he returned to his house."

Panhandler Jeffery McKnight said he called 911 after he saw the suspect first drive the wrong way on an Interstate 25 off ramp and then drive off the road. Deputies arrived in the area and arrested the suspect.

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The Whole Truth
Little white lies to a robot...

Henry was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick, no matter what. The house was filled with electric potato peelers, self-rocking chairs, and other odd stuff. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to stop being such a sucker for every new gadget that came along.

One day, Henry came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot – “but not just ANY robot,” Henry said. “This one is a LIE DETECTOR!”

At around 5:30 PM, their 11-year-old son, Little Johnny, came home – two hours later than he should have.
“Where have you been, young man?” Henry demanded. “Why are you so late getting home from school?”
“Charlie, Bobby and I went to the library to work on an extra-credit project for history class,” said Little Johnny.
The robot strode around the table and slapped Little Johnny, knocking him completely out of his chair.

A startled Little Johnny climbed back onto his chair.
“Son,” said Henry, “This robot is a sophisticated lie detector, and it knows when you’re telling the truth. Let’s try again. Where did you really go after school?”
“We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,” said Little Johnny.
The robot stood there.

“What movie did you watch?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments,” answered Little Johnny.
The robot charged around the table and smacked Little Johnny to the floor once more.

With his lip quivering, Little Johnny got up, sat down and said, “I’m sorry I lied. We really watched a movie called Sex Kittens of New Orleans.”

“I'm ashamed of you, son,” said Henry. “When I was your age, I never, ever lied to my parents about anything. I always told them the truth.”
At that, the robot wheeled across the room to Henry and delivered a whack that nearly laid him flat.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't blame Little Johnny for lying. You did it too, and after all, he is your son!”
The robot immediately scooted over to Marsha and knocked her cold.

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Mennonite Washrooms
Doing their part to clean up the Church...

Why do they put condoms in Mennonite washrooms?

To prevent the spread of Abes.

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School Excuses

The following notes from parents excusing their children

from attending school have been around a while but if you

haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them:

"Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he

had the fuel."

"Please accuse Michael from being absent on January 30

because he was aleing."

"George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."

"Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I

had her shot."

"Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his

face."

"My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical

education. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very

loose vowels."

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Hey, congratulations to David Cook, the American Idol. ... I believe he received an unbelievable 50 million votes ... which I think is a new record. ... In fact, he got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot." --Jay Leno

"McCain, of course, has the nomination sewn up. He's just got to go to the convention. So he's now auditioning candidates for vice president. And they're visiting at his home in Arizona. They will be spending the weekend with him out there at his home in Arizona. I believe it is called Casa Viagra. Wait a minute, I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch. I think it is the Double Hernia. No, no, his home in Arizona, the Rancho Prostateo." --David Letterman

"Big political news this weekend. John McCain invited Louisiana's governor, Florida's governor and Mitt Romney to a barbecue at his home in Arizona, because he wants to choose one of them to be his running mate. McCain says he got the idea of choosing a running mate this way by watching 'Flavor of Love.' He's gonna hand them a rose at the end of the night." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama was endorsed by 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd. 90 years old, yeah. Byrd said, 'Obama will make a great president, and if he doesn't, I won't be around anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien

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Crazy People

The Queen visits a mental hospital and goes to the first ward. The first patient she sees is sitting up and with his left hand he seems to be grabbing something from the air. She asks, "What are you doing?"

The patient replies, "I'm taking the stars from the sky!"

She then proceeds over to the second patient and he seems to be inserting something into the air. She asks, "What are you doing love?"

The second patient replies, "I'm putting the stars back in the sky!"

Finally she reaches the third patient and he's sitting up pretending he's a rally driver and is making high speed noises. She asks him, "What the heck are you up to?"

The patient replies, "I'm trying to get away from these two nutters, they're absolutely mental!"

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Real Users

- Real users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.

- Real users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.

- Real users never use the Help key.

- Real users never stop asking new options.

- Real users never know what to do with new options.

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Love Me Above No Other

Girlfriend: "And are you sure you love me and no one else?"

Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."

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"There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. What

would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I

need some Space Mountain." -Craig Ferguson

***

"Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the

Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said,

'Who's the bald chick in the dress?'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"The National Hobo Convention opened yesterday in Britt,

Iowa. Planned activities include a parade, a flea market

and a knife fight over a bottle of hooch." -Jay Leno