huMOR For May 16th

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's

ability to use language that makes him the dominant species

on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other

thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of

vacuum cleaners." —-Jeff Stilson

***

"What really concerns me about these new "smart" appliances

is that even if we like the features, we won't be able to

use them. I don't know how to operate my TV, which requires

THREE remote controls. One control (44 buttons) came with

the TV; a second (39 buttons) came with the VCR; the third

(37 buttons) was brought here by the cable-TV man, who ap-

parently felt that I did not have enough buttons. So when

I want to watch TV, I'm confronted with a total of 120

buttons, identified by such helpful labels as PIP, MTS,

DBS, F2, JUMP and BLANK." -Dave Barry

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Everybody's a comedian. I called my local home improvement

store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the Sheetrock

is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the

phone, "but how do I find the studs?"

"Put an ad in the personals column." he suggested.

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A blonde is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly

the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the

radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.

Ground control receives her call for help and answers back:

"Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say.

First, I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!"

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So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly and Minnesota jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember, is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember, is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball l cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember, is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal? ???

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

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Former Co-worker?

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist
often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA
hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So,
tell me, is the food still as bad as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking there."

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Double Decker Bus

There's a double decker bus driving down the street full of passengers. On the lower level of the bus, everyone's having a good time, talking, laughing, and singing along to the music playing.

On the upper part of the bus, Maynard is in a panic. He's screaming, terrified, and holding onto others as the bus moves along the street.

Finally, someone gets up and walks to the top of the bus to ask what's wrong. Maynard replies, "What's wrong? Well, you'd be screaming too if you didn't have a driver!"

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Sixes and Sevens

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because, already, seven ate nine (7, 8, 9)!

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Churchill's Nap

A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking.

She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?"

Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."

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Yuma Puma

There once was a man from Yuma,

Who told an elephant joke to a puma,

Now his body lies,

Under the hot desert skies,

For the puma had no sense of huma.

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I love this Doctor.

Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're perm eated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!!!'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5 The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

hUMOR For May 15th

I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While

the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have

dextrocardia.

"What's that?" she asked.

"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather

than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your

machine to accommodate that."

As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me,

have you had that for long?"

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Graveside Observation”

A newly widowed man stood at the cemetery next to his wife's casket. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

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Closed For Good Friday

I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter.

A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money? I have all my money and my mortgage here! What will happen to my mortgage?

It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, "WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY".

I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts, because she thought that the bank was going to close "for good" that coming Friday.

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Tax Tip

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's
something the IRS always looks for.

As an example, if you have some money left in your bank account after
paying your taxes. That's a red flag.

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Weird News

Chickens kept in high rise basement

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Residents of a pricey New York high-rise condominium complex say their building super has been keeping baby chickens in the building's basement.

John Hyranyaz, 62, admitted to having the mail-order chicks delivered to his home in the 50-story building, but he denied claims that he has been raising the animals there, the New York Post reported Tuesday.

"I'm raising chickens because I plan to retire," Hyranyaz said. "The Post Office sends the chicks here. These are mail-order chicks."

"Everyone sees them, so they think I'm raising them. I keep them in a box overnight, and then I take them to the farm," he said.

However, Hyranyaz later said the chicks sometimes remain in their plywood pens in the building's basement for days before he takes them to the farm, the Post said.

He said Monday the most recent shipment arrived "Thursday or Friday, and I'll be taking them to the farm."

A spokeswoman for the New York City Health Department that while it is illegal to keep roosters in the city, there is no law against keeping chickens.

///

Wife's YouTube rants banned from apartment

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York judge has barred a woman from filming rant-filled YouTube videos about her divorce in her apartment.

The judge said Tricia Walsh-Smith has the right to post videos saying whatever she wants to online, but he ordered her not to film the rants in the Park Avenue apartment she formerly shared with her husband, the New York Post reported Tuesday.

Lawyers for her estranged husband, Philip Smith, sought the order after Walsh-Smith posted two videos on the Web site discussing her divorce and saying she never had sex with her husband, who is more than 25 years older then her, during their nine-year marriage.

Smith's lawyer, David Aronson, said Walsh-Smith filming the videos in the apartment invaded his client's privacy.

"She had a film crew in the apartment. She showed family pictures, his daughter," Aronson said in court.

Smith has sued his wife for divorce, claiming her behavior toward him has been cruel and inhuman, the Post said.

///

Skeleton found in overgrown tree

OAKLAND PARK, Fla. (UPI) -- An Oakland Park, Fla., man said he discovered a skeleton inside his overgrown tree that investigators believe has been there since last year.

Glenn Parker said he saw the skeleton in the tree after trimmers cleared some of the foliage for BellSouth phone line service crews, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported Tuesday.

The Broward Sheriff's Office said the death is believed to have been a suicide with no suspicion of foul play.

Parker said authorities are working to determine whether the bones belong to a former roommate of his who disappeared about one year ago.

///

Mooning prom proposal leads to suspensions

ANN ARBOR, Mich. (UPI) -- A high school senior in Ann Arbor, Mich., said his unconventional prom proposal led to suspensions for him and 12 of his lacrosse teammates.

Kristoff Wennersten said he wanted to do something special to ask fellow senior Carolyn Campbell to attend the prom, so he convinced his teammates to bare their backsides and paint the words "Will You Go To The Prom With Me? Yes or No?" on their rears during a varsity soccer game, the Ann Arbor (Mich.) News reported Tuesday.

Campbell signaled her agreement by touching the lower back of the teammate with "Yes" painted on his posterior.

However, Huron athletic director Dottie Davis said the lacrosse players were suspended for one day of school, barred from a undetermined number of games and ordered to perform 20 hours of community service.

"Inappropriate is inappropriate," Davis said. "It disrespects women, and that's the clear message we need to have the students understand -- what may be fun to them isn't necessarily fun to everyone else."

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Total Control

A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.

He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.

So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.

This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.

Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.

Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.

He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:

"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep."

The guys continue talking.

Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.

The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep.

When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are nowhere to be found.

Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).

The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.

Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.

The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills.

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Suicide Watch

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?

I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.

Apparently, just to anger him.

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Deer

What do you call a deer with no eye?

No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eye and no leg

Still no eye deer

hUMOR For May 14th

"Kids' Letters to the President"

Dear Mr. President:

How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist.
--Timoth U., age 7 Jamestown, NY

When will we have a woman president? I am ready.
--Brooke A, age 10 Peoria, IL

Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says your only friend is the vice-president.
--Richard D., age 8 Greenwich, CT

Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy----the Democrats and Republicans.
--A citizen, Lawrence K., age 8 Atlanta, GA

What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot.
--Kimberly W., age 8, Meriden, CT

Dear President Bush:
Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle.
--Elizabeth P., age 8 Seattle WA

What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble.
--Ralph N., Palm Beach, FL

What does the vice president do all day? I have asked a lot of grownups and nobody knows the answer.
--Shannon D., age 8 Bismarck, ND

I think you won the election because you were a better speaker even if a lot of people didn't know what you were talking about.
--Tracey O., age 10 Green Valley, AZ

My girlfriend Betsy and I would like to get married in the White House when we get married someday. We will be married in 20 years.
--Peter N., age 7 Bismarck, ND

Dear President Bush:
What size shoes do you wear? My grandfather died last month and he left a lot of shoes and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-president a pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes before we send them to you.
--Joey P., age 8 Erie, PA

On TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer is classified, I wouldn't be in trouble.
--Martin J., age 9 Philadelphia, PA

Dear Mr. President:
My girlfriend Alyssa is a Republican and I am a Democrat. Someday we may get married. Can a Democrat marry a Republican and be happy? I am 12 and my girlfriend is 11. We would like your answer befpre we are 18.
--Ryan C., age 12 Philadelphia, PA

Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to share closets.
--Michael P., age 8 San Diego, CA

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Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it,

just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an

hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

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"According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans

said they'd rather have Bill Clinton as their father than

President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away

with a lot more, don't you think? 'Look, I won't mention

you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home

late.'" --Jay Leno

***

"Last week President Bush created the world's largest pro-

tected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands

National Monument. It contains sea life that has inspired

some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart

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Woman becomes U.S. corn-eating champ

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- A Virginia woman has become the first female winner of the National Sweet Corn-Eating Championship in West Palm Beach, Fla.

Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, a first-time competitive corn eater who manages a Burger King, took home the $1,500 prize and an angel-topped 3-foot gold trophy after downing 32 1/2 ears of corn in 12 minutes, The Palm Beach (Fla.) Post reported.

Thomas, who weighs 100 pounds, bested nine men in the competition, including last year's champion and record holder "Crazy Legs" Conti, who finished third with 30 ears, falling short of his record-setting 34 3/4 ears at last year's event.

In second place, with 31 ears, was Jammin' Joe LaRue, who won the competition two years ago.

Thomas said she ate only four or five ears of corn to practice for the competition.

///

Woman, 83, graduates from university

KALAMAZOO, Mich. (UPI) -- An 83-year-old woman who set out after retirement to earn a college degree has graduated from Western Michigan University in Kalamazoo, Mich.

Ruth Stoeffler said she began her college career in 1995, shortly after the death of her husband, and took a wide variety of classes during the ensuing 13 years until she earned a bachelor's degree in social science studies, the Detroit Free Press reported.

"I was by myself and had to do something," she said. "I wanted something interesting and challenging and fun ... I thought, 'I'm going to get myself a diploma from a university.'"

Stoeffler, who walked down the aisle with classmates at the university's graduation ceremony during the weekend, told the Free Press she doesn't intend to use her degree to start a new career but she said she would like to parlay her knowledge and experience into volunteer work.

///

Gator attacks golf ball diver

TAMPA, Fla. (UPI) -- Employees of a Tampa, Fla., country club said a golf ball diver was attacked by an alligator while retrieving balls from a lake near the club's 13th hole.

Matt Johnson, a golf cart attendant at the Tampa Palms Golf and Country Club, said diver Dwight Monreal, 62, had donned his scuba gear and waded into the water Saturday when the alligator popped out of the water and latched on to Monreal's arm, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported.

"We rushed toward the water and the gator let go of him," Johnson said. "I like to think we scared him."

Johnson told the newspaper he and a club member took Monreal to the clubhouse where he was met by police and an ambulance, which took him to St. Joseph's Hospital for treatment.

Police said Monreal suffered a dislocated left shoulder and puncture wounds to his left arm in the attack. He was discharged from the hospital Saturday night.

Officials at the country club said the 13th hole will be closed until the alligator is captured and killed, the Times reported.

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Liver n' Cheese Poodle

There was a labrador, a dalmation and a doberman in a doggy bar when an attractive girl poodle walks in. She says to the three dogs "Whichever one of you can say the best sentence with liver and cheese in wins a date!"

So the labrador says " I like cheese but I don't like liver," but that wasn't good enough for the girl poodle.

Then the Doberman said "I like liver but I don't like cheese" but it still wasn't good enough.

Finally the dalmtion piped in with "Liver alone. Cheese mine!"

However, he still lost because it was the cheesiest joke she had ever heard.

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Sadam Look-Alikes

I heard that they got all of the Sadam look-alikes together and told them that they have some good news and some bad news.

The good news was that Sadam survived the bombings, so they all still had jobs.

One of the look-alikes asked, "What's the bad news?"

The bad news, they were told, was that he lost an arm and an eye.

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Stop

When do you stop at GREEN and go at RED?

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"How about that John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy

who walks into a Circuit City and asks, 'Do you have type-

writer ribbon?'" -Dave Letterman

***

"Today, President Bush gave a news conference about the

economy but he stubbornly refused to say the word recession.

Instead, Bush said, 'Our country is heading towards some-

thing that has three syllables and rhymes with refreshin.'"

-Conan O'Brien

***

The video game Grand Theft Auto IV went on sale today. It's

a shame kids these days are spending so much time playing

video games where they steal cars, and not getting out there

in the sunshine and really stealing cars." -Jimmy Kimmel

hUMOR For May 13th

"Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man

to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity."

-Karl Marx

***

"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than

others." -George Orwell

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My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a

reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a

local fast-food restaurant. I agreed.

A few days later she called and asked me to meet her at the

restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she

replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview,

and she told me to bring my references."

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The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes

earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I

backed my own vanload of Scouts out of my garage, I noticed

a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I stopped to

retrieve them.

An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was

parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my assis-

tant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife just

called on my cell phone," he said. "She asked if you knew

anything about the plumber's boots that were on your back

steps."

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"Waiting for Dark"

Preparing for a family vacation, Kathy and Matt explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, four year old Rachel perked up, "Is it dark yet?"

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Oneliner

"You've got to spend money to lose money."

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CleanPun - "Dress Try"

Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.

Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

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Rush Hour

My friend, a trucker, is often caught in commuter rush-hour traffic.
One morning when everything came to a standstill, he sat high up in
his 18-wheeler singing and whistling.

A passenger in a nearby car, frustrated by the delay, yelled up at my
brother, "What are you so happy about?"

"I'm already at work!" he cheerfully replied.

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Weird News

Management Lesson

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Management lesson?

Always let your boss have the first say.

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Egomaniac

Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

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Retiring

Of course, some people never retire...

Old golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.

Old lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.

Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance.

And bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest.

But what about vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day!

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Dumb Truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

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Common Tools Explained

To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh rats!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

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Yet Another Management Lesson

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

hUMOR For May 12th

Ghost Car

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started slowly; the guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started to pray begging for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was serious.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Look John, that's the guy who got in the car when we were pushing it."

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Car Won't Start

A husband came home from work one evening. He walked in the house and
saw his wife sitting on the couch watching TV. She told him she was
having trouble with her car.

"My car won't start," she said. "But I know what the problem is."

"OK, What's the problem?" the husband asked.

"There's water in the carburetor," she replied.

"Come on, honey," the husband said. "You don't know how a car works,
much less what the parts look like, so how can you tell me there's
water in the carburetor?"

"There's definitely water in the carburetor," the wife insisted.

"OK," the husband said. "I'll go take a look. Where is it?"

The wife said, "In the lake."

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Weird News

Stinky paycheck empties bank

DANBURY, Conn. (UPI) -- A truly stinky paycheck forced the evacuation of a bank in New Milford, Conn., and a lockdown of a nearby children's center, police say.

Police said after authorities were contacted by the Bank of America regarding a noxious smell Thursday, the New Milford bank was emptied to allow hazardous materials experts to search the premises, the Waterbury (Conn.) Republican-American reported.

Children at the Beehive Children's Center behind the bank were kept inside as a precaution during the search.

Police said the unusual smell was eventually traced to a paycheck handled by a man with machine cutting oil on his hands.

The check had been deposited at the bank and the smell never dissipated, the Republican-American reported.

The emergency precautions were called off after the smelly check was found and the bank was allowed to reopen about an hour after it was closed.

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No. 10 chocolates a sweet gift indeed

LONDON (UPI) -- British Prime Minister Gordon Brown presented a pack of No. 10 chocolates to a lucky nurse in London, the elated woman said.

Nurse Zoe Broadhead said Brown personally gave her a box of the after-dinner mints, known for the No. 10 drawing on each wrapper, as a housewarming gift when she moved into a new housing development in London, the Daily Mail reported. The number refers to the prime minister's office address, 10 Downing St.

"Mr. Brown didn't say anything about the chocolates. He just handed them to me as he came into the room," Broadhead said. "He asked me about my decorating plans and joked about the colors I was going to paint my walls. The chocolates were a nice present, though I haven't eaten any of them yet."

Designed by businessman John Harrap, 300 boxes of the specialty candies were delivered to the prime minister's office to be given to lucky civil servants, the Mail reported.

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Python did not get far in 2 days on loose

NEW FAIRFIELD, Conn. (UPI) -- A 6-foot python that escaped from a home in Connecticut turned out to have gotten no farther than the yard in two days on its own, neighbors said.

The snake was found by 8-year-old Michael Ruffino, the Danbury News Times reported. Michael and his parents, John and Diane, live next door to the snake's owner, Kelly Wiedl, in New Fairfield.

When he and his parents arrived home from church Saturday evening, Michael wondered just what a neighborhood cat was looking at in the bushes. It turned out to be the python.

Another neighbor, Mark Lefgren, did the snake-catching, getting the python into a flannel pillowcase.

Diane Ruffino said the snake, possibly stunned by cool temperatures, was not acting aggressively, although it did hiss at the cat. The cat simply looked bewildered.

"We've been looking since it was lost. We were hoping it would be found," Diane Ruffino said.

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Man sued for hurling carrot at wife's eye

MONROE, Conn. (UPI) -- A Connecticut woman who lost an eye when her husband chucked a carrot at her reportedly is suing him for causing the injury.

Pamela Vecsey of Monroe, Conn., filed suit against her husband, claiming he threw a carrot 20 feet in her direction while they were having a dispute July 14, 2006, the Connecticut Post reported.

Vecsey's attorney said her client's eye burst when it was hit with the carrot. Vecsey reportedly replaced the ruptured eyeball with a glass eye.

Police arrested Roderick Vecsey, 48, and he was charged with second-degree assault and disorderly conduct, the newspaper said. However, the charges against him have been dismissed and the Vecseys are now residing in the same home, despite the lawsuit, the Post reported.

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Misbehaving Guide Dog

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit, which he fed to the dog.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find which end is his mouth so that I can boot him in the butt".

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Just Moved In

The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it.

“It’s great,” Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…”

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Giraffe In A Pub

A guy wanders into a pub one evening followed by a giraffe. They sit down, and over a number of hours get extremely drunk. As the bar is shutting, the man goes to leave.

The man behing the bar yells "Oi mate. You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The drunk turns around and says, "Oi mate, it isnt a lion. Its a giraffe!"

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Proving a point

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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Funny Guys

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a

nightclub after a late gig. They've heard one another's

material so much, they've reached the point where they don't

need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other -- they

just need to refer to each joke by a number.

"Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break

up.

"Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl.

Finally, it's the third comic's turn. "44!" he quips. He

gets nothing. Crickets.

"What?" he asks. "Isn't 44 funny?"

"Sure, it's usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way

you tell it..."

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"A great many people think they are thinking when they are

merely rearranging their prejudices." -William James

hUMOR For May 11th

The old west was full of cowboys who were good cow-ordinators.

They had consider-a-bull talent, though sometimes they would

stirrup trouble. Sometimes they took hay to bed in order to

feed their night mares. One cowboy reached for his gun and

drew a blank. Eventually they would go off to a rodeo to try

and get a few bucks.

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Put or Putt

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," replied the instructor. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it, of course. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

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Problem Solving

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm, perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"

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Emo Burrito

How many emos does it take to microwave a mama’s burrito?

Answer: 4.

One to cry about it on LiveJournal.

One to make a Facebook about it.

One to take a picture of them taking a picture of themselves in a mirror and post it on LiveJournal and Facebook.

The other to make the mexican burrito.

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A Dreadful Fight

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

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Who Says Rednecks Are Dumb?

"Hello, is this the sheriff's office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's

hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how

he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's

house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no

marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the

phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy birthday, buddy!"

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Weird News

Lightning strikes twice at Pa. home

BALDWIN, Pa. (UPI) -- A Baldwin, Pa., man says his house caught fire after it was struck by lightning for the second time in its history.

The home, which was built by the man's father, was previously struck by lightning when he lived there as a child, WTAE-TV in Pittsburgh reported.

The homeowner said a neighbor helped him escape the house after the most recent lightning strike Wednesday night. Firefighters put out the blaze.

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Quint's Stradivarius spends day in cab

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Renowned violinist Philippe Quint said he has recovered a borrowed $4 million Stradivarius violin that spent a day in the back of a New York cab.

Quint said he inadvertently left the instrument in the back of Mohamed Khalil's minivan cab after the taxi picked him up from Newark Airport shortly after midnight Monday morning, the New York Post reported.

The musician said he spent most of the day Monday on the phone trying to locate the cab that he hoped still contained the precious violin. He said Khalil attempted to refuse a cash reward for returning the item, but Quint insisted that the cabbie saved his life.

"I was thinking which way I was going to commit suicide if I didn't find it," Quint said he told Khalil.

He said the Stradivarius is now "glued to my body."

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Zebra found in college building

OXFORD, Ga. (UPI) -- Campus police at Georgia's Emory University at Oxford said they were investigating the case of a kidnapped zebra that turned up in a college building.

Curtis Jackson, who owns Barcode the zebra, said he did not realize the 800-pound mammal was missing until Wednesday morning when animal control officials returned it to his 53-acre home, which is located about one mile from the college, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported Thursday.

"He's back in his pen, and he seems a little rowdy right now, but otherwise I think he's OK," Jackson said.

Campus police said Barcode was discovered on the third floor of Seney Hall when public safety workers opened the building Wednesday morning. Animal control officials said it did not take long to identify the zebra.

"How many people own zebras around here?" said Newton County Animal Control Director Teri Key-Hooson. "We figured it was Mr. Jackson's because we made a call out there for his zebra a couple of years ago."

Dean Stephen Bowen said the unknown zebra-nappers took measures to ensure the animal wasn't harmed.

"They lined up a row of chairs so the animal couldn't get close to the windows and injure itself," he said.

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$28,000 in sunglasses stolen

SANTA FE, N.M. (UPI) -- The owner of a Santa Fe, N.M., high-end sunglasses store said a security camera recorded shady crooks stealing $28,000 worth of merchandise.

Brian Body, owner of Acoma Optical, said the thieves spent only 39 seconds in the store while stealing more than 80 pairs of expensive Versace, Gucci and Christian Dior shades, KRQE-TV, Albuquerque reported.

Body, who opened the store in February, said his insurance will cover the stolen sunglasses and broken window that the burglars used for their entrance.

"You build up something. You work very hard and somebody comes in and takes it in the middle of the night and takes advantage of that," he said. "I'm just thankful that everybody's OK."

Police said they were investigating whether the burglary is connected to two similar incidents at an Albuquerque motocross store and three burglaries in Albuquerque suburb Rio Rancho.

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"Put Him Back"

When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into everything, she asked, "Mommy, can we put him back, now?"

Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back - that her brother was a gift from God.

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, "I understand, Mommy. God didn't want him either."

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CleanQuote

"Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?"

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King Of The Jungle?
How to tell if you're-a-lion' or a lion......

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty lion!”

Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellowed, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammered, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared his challenge.
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree several times, then stomped him until the lion was flat as a pancake.

Then the elephant took up a trunk-full of water, soaked the lion, and then trumpeted in victory before sauntering away.

The lion let out a moan, lifted his head weakly and hollered, “Just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean you have to get all huffy about it.”