hUMOR For April 26th

Illustration - "Prayer"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"

One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."

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Family Vacation

Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband
explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the
car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be
arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not
to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter
perked up. "Is it dark yet?"

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Werid News

Feral burros may be saved by collars

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Residents of Riverside County, Calif., are hoping to save hundreds of wild burros by equipping the animals with reflective collars, a former rodeo rider says.

Former rodeo rider Kim Terry says he and several neighbors think the reflective collars should make the animals more noticeable on busy roads at night, the Los Angeles Times reported.

Rhonda Leavitt said the collars are made from cheap belts, but they're not meant as a fashion statement.

"They don't care what they look like," she said. "And the belts reflect like you wouldn't believe."

Leavitt, 50, told the Times the burros are at risk when dry weather prompts them to search out new sources of water.

Riverside County Animal Control field services commander Rita Gutierrez told the Times the idea could save lives.

"It's a clever idea and it certainly can't hurt," she said.

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USC society wraps bike racks in cellophane

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Skull and Dagger, an honorary society at the University of Southern California, has wrapped every on-campus bike rack with cellophane, one member said.

Society members even wrapped up one campus cyclist, the Los Angeles Times reported.

"This one kid came up to us and yelled, 'You can't wrap up my bike!'" the anonymous Skull and Dagger member said. "He ended up getting wrapped up with his bike."

The prank targeted freshmen and sophomores with early-morning classes. One society member said the sleepy underclassmen were shocked.

"One kid was so sleepy he didn't even notice his bike was wrapped. He kept trying to pull it out," the member told the Times. "Once they realized what happened, they all took off running for class."

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Villages hope to black out millipedes

BALCHRICK, Scotland (UPI) -- People in three remote Scottish villages should try a World War II-style blackout in their war against inch-long invading millipedes, a property manager urges.

No one is sure why the millipedes have become so numerous recently. But in the last four years, thousands have appeared every spring in the villages on a tract of land owned by the John Muir Trust on the Sutherland coast, The Scotsman reports.

Cathel Morrison, land manager for the trust, said millipede experts suggest trying blacking out homes to deter the nocturnal insects.

The millipedes are harmless. They do not bite, spread disease or devour crops. And that is part of the problem. Authorities can offer little help in getting rid of them.

Experts say using thick curtains and dark shades to keep light from being visible through the windows after dark, might work because the millipedes are attracted to light. During the war, the blackout was imposed to keep British cities and towns invisible to German bombers.

Bridget Graham, the postmistress in Balchrick, said she plans to try it.

"I'll try anything," she said. "They are horrible. They start in April and last year they were still coming in in October."

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'Wayne's World' spindle up for sale

BERWYN, Ill. (UPI) -- The owners of Berwyn's Spindle in Berwyn, Ill., are putting the structure of skewered automobiles featured in the film "Wayne's World" up for sale.

Michael Flight of Concordia Realty, the firm that manages the shopping mall where the spindle is located, said the cost to remove it was so high the decision was made to put it up for sale on eBay, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.

"The concrete isn't included. Just the cars and pole,'' Flight said. "If someone wants to buy it and give it a home, we're willing to sell it to them. Otherwise, we're planning on probably taking it down sometime this year."

The eBay listing starts the bidding at $50,000 and identifies it as "an internationally known roadside monument," in part for its appearance in the 1992 comedy.

Potential buyers beware -- the shipping costs for Berwyn's Spindle cold run as high as $100,000.

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Making Cents of Football

Cletus took Maynard to his first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's Bench. After the game, Cletus asked Maynard how he liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," he replied, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, Cletus asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I mean, come on... it's only twenty-five cents!"

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Family Business

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law.

"Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

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Rude Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ”Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incredibly upset now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it said.

“Yes?”

“You know.”

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New Tie

My husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that would match the color of his eyes. Does anyone know where I can buy a bloodshot tie?

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"Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced this

week he will not accept the nomination for vice president.

That's what he said. He will not accept the vice presidential

nomination. To which the cashier at Wendy's said, 'You want

a frosty with this, mister? People are waiting.'" -Jay Leno

***

"In Florida, two 55-year-old women were arrested for robbing

banks while dressed as ninjas. If they're convicted the women

could be given 10 years in prison and a Lifetime movie of the

week." -Conan O'Brien

***

"It's tax time. I saw this the other day: The United States

government takes a third of your money. A third. My God,

it's like being married to Heather Mills." -David Letterman

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My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth

on vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every

minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair

on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is

costing us $300 a day - and you sit there reading a book!"

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Dobbins lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the

price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he

was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out.

"There's a dance over at the club," he said. "So what if one

of your eyes is made out of wood?"

"All right," said Dobbins, "but if anybody makes fun of my

eye I'm leaving."

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his

courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner.

She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

"She's worse off than me," Dobbins thought. "The least I can

do is ask her to dance.

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the

girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.

"Would I?!" she exclaimed.

"That does it," he shouted, "Hunchback! Hunchback!"

hUMOR For April 25th

Fairest Tax?

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state

tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation

they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a

white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll

tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.

"Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

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Listen Carefully

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. "This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

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Live and Learn

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.

"Sadness," he replied.

"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.

"Elation," he replied.

"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

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Have Some Perspective

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"

The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"

"No," says the bum.

The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"

Again the bum says, "No."

So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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Life's a Mess

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.

"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

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"According to his tax return, last year Vice President Dick

Cheney donated over $166,000 to charity. Most of the money

went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, 'Coal for Tots.'"

-Conan O'Brien

***

"Taxes are due Tuesday. I recommend this: At 11 o'clock

Tuesday night, take 20 minutes to make up a bunch of numbers.

Put them in an envelope; drive around until you find one of

those post offices that are open until midnight. No problem."

-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Technically, you're not paying taxes. According to the Bush

administration, your bank account is being liberated."

—Jay Leno

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"This year, there are some major changes that you, as a tax-

payer, should be aware of. This year, every taxpayer, living

or dead, must file two tax returns. One of these is your

regular tax return, which is for your regular federal govern-

ment headquartered in Washington, D.C. But you must also file

a shadow tax return, including a shadow tax payment.

"This is a top-secret operation that, according to The

Washington Post, has been set up in a heavily guarded, un-

disclosed location in the basement of the Big Boy restaurant

in Bismarck, N.D. The function of the shadow government is

to ensure that, even if the "unthinkable" happens, we, as

American citizens, will still have a central federal authority

with the ability and resources to provide us with a tax code.

"The shadow government is basically a scaled-down version of

the one in Washington, with everything necessary to continue

critical government operations, including lobbyists, an

exact working replica of Dick Cheney, a Starbucks, a five-

foot-high Washington monument, and a miniature "congress"

made up of gerbils wearing tiny suits who have been trained

to hold hearings and authorize the construction of unnecessary

highway projects named after Robert C. Byrd."

-Dave Barry

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One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked

up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from

the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his

pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot,

wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it

just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

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Time Management for School Assignments

SHORT TERM ASSIGNMENTS:

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner.

• 15 minutes looking for the assignment.
• 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
• 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
• 8 minutes in the bathroom.
• 10 minutes getting a snack.
• 7 minutes checking the TV guide.
• 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
• 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom and Dad to do the assignment.

LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS:

• These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long term".
• It is a long term commitment time that begins at 9:30 PM and ends no earlier than 11:50 PM.
• It is important that the whole family is involved in the project.
• It is imperative that at least one family member races to the store for poster board, and that at least one family member ends up in tears. (This does not have to be the student!)
• One parent needs to stay up and complete the project, the other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
• It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.

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"One Hard Question"

There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer shot back, smiling. ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

The student was admitted to the University.

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CleanQuote

"Money talks, but credit has an echo."

hUMOR For April 24th

*Things That Never Happened On Star Trek*..

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a

type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists,

who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works

properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life-

form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old

life form wearing a funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious

plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-

stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a

less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by

the Starfleet Prime Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from

one place to another without serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to

interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out

that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly

diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and

competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien

intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien

intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some

chocolate.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called

"Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. How-

ever, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it

seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the

Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area

are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp ex-

perience which is in some way unconnected with the Late

20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet

he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the

end of the episode.

16. Counselor Troi states something other than the

blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start going haywire, but seem to sort

themselves out after a while without any intervention from

boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position

for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of

one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

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Tax Forms, Long vs Short

Ah, spring and the month of April. The chirping of birds,

the fresh smell of flowers, the sunny days ... and the time

that taxes are due. Yes, it's that time of year, when you

put sum 5A into slot 6B, subtract the lesser of 12Z or 11Q

from 10C, check the number of boxes entered and enter the

number of checkered boxes, and try to figure out of you

weigh more than last year's tax return. I just did my taxes

and when I was done I was happy to see that I'm getting a

refund ... look at the money the government is giving to me

... until I thought, "Hey, it was MY money to begin with!"

The difference between the short tax form and long tax form

is simple.

If you use the short form, the government gets your money.

If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

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"New Passport Photo"

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

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Oneliner

"Why are you driving me crazy when you know it's within walking distance?"

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CleanPun - "Fight"

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

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Woman In A Hurry

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

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Biker, Lion, Little Girl, and New York Times

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, " Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times , and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"

" I ride Harley Davidson and I'm a Republican. "

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

"BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

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I Hope I'm Sick

A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to
himself every so often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"

After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn't stand
it any longer, and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be
sick, Mr. Adams?"

The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel this bad."

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True News Stories

Man beats up family after funeral

BOLINGBROOK, Ill. (UPI) -- A 20-year-old Illinois man sent several people to the hospital when he became violent while his family was driving home from a funeral, police said.

The March 29, incident began when the man's aunt scolded him for saying abusive things to his relatives, prompting him to sock her in the face, the Joliet Herald News reported.

Officials said the man's mother pulled the car over on Illinois 53 when her son and his aunt's boyfriend began fighting in the car.

When the fighting eventually ended, two brothers drove away with their mother.

The aunt said her sister fled the scene because "her 20-year-old son had several warrants and was on parole ... and she didn't want him picked up by police."

The aunt, her boyfriend and niece reportedly went to Advocated Hospital in Bolingbrook for treatment of minor wounds.

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Wrappers lead to candy theft suspects

CINCINNATI (UPI) -- Cincinnati police said they tracked down four suspects in a candy store burglary by following a trail of discarded wrappers.

Police said they followed the trail from Peter Minges and Sons Candy Shop, where $400 worth of candy was stolen just before 1 a.m. Thursday, to a nearby area where they arrested four suspects, two men and two women, WLWT-TV, Cincinnati, reported.

Three of the suspects have not yet been named by police, but one of the women, Christine Ruther, was charged with child endangerment after she allegedly brought her 7-month-old daughter along for the heist.

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Spasticville, Kan., seeks name change

SPASTICVILLE, Kan. (UPI) -- The city administrator of Spasticville, Kan., said he has applied to the U.S. Geological Survey to have the city's name changed to Trails End.

The administrator said he collected the proper number of signatures and sent them in with the accompanying forms to apply for the name change, KWCH-TV, Wichita, Kan., reported. He said it could be months before researchers analyze the proposal and send it to the U.S. Board on Geographic Names for a decision.

Residents of the Sedgwick County town said accounts vary on how Spasticville got its name. Some theorize it was named for a home for the mentally handicapped that used to be located in the area.

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Animal docs buy island for dogs' pleasure

VICTORIA, British Columbia (UPI) -- Three Canadian veterinarians have ponied up $2.2 million for an island off British Columbia as a vacation resort for rescued dogs.

All three animal doctors are from the province of Alberta, and have been involved in helping "special needs" dogs, including four pit bull dogs who survived Hurricane Katrina, which devastated the U.S. Gulf Coast in 2005, a Globe and Mail report said.

The three bought Rabbit Island from a California man in January, and have since made it a human and canine retreat.

Dr. Pilar Gosselin and fellow vets Dave Brace and Dave Szentimrey plan to allow only a few dogs to stay to run free on the island, which has a lodge, four cabins, a bathhouse, a desalination plant and equipment to produce solar and wind power, the report said.

"I've committed myself to making the dogs' lives better," Gosselin said. "They can be themselves, not cause trouble, not evoke hostility."

hUMOR For April 23rd

Packing Instructions

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

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"Starting To Date"

Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way ............ just remember ............... I don't mind going back to prison."

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Oneliner

"A healthy adult male consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people's patience."

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CleanPun - "Atheists"

"An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support."

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”When Insults Had Cass”

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. "
- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

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An Extra Wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a
pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one
child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the
older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much
we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about
that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said,
'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

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What's in a Name

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

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Climb the Ladder

The other night I dreamed that I had died and gone to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates I was met by Saint Peter who told me if I wanted to enter the gates of Heaven I must climb that ladder one rung at a time. On each rung I must write a sin that I committed during my life while on earth.

He then gave me a piece of chalk. I started, writing, climbing, writing, climbing .... hanging on with one hand and writing with the other - a difficult task for someone who does not like heights.

All of a sudden, something was crushing the fingers of my holding hand. I looked up, and there, much to my amazement was my boss coming down the ladder for more chalk.

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Who's Counting?

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?

12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

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Four Men in a Car

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.

The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

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CleanQuote

"Taking the bull by the horns is often a sound course of action..as long as you and the bull agree on when to let go."

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"Bus Stop"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Once there was couple traveling on a bus in a mountainous area. Close to their destination they decided to get off a bit early and enjoy a short walk the rest of the way.

After the couple got off the bus, it proceeded on its route but 100 feet later a huge boulder fell on the bus, crushing it and killing everybody on board.

Upon see this happen the couple said " We wish we were on that bus"

Why do u think they said that?

Think about it and then scroll down for the answer.

--------- Answer !!!! ---------

If the couple had remained on the bus instead of deciding to get off, the resulting time delay would have been avoided and the rock would have fallen after the bus had passed.

Remember and consider others in life.

hUMOR For April 22nd

Donald and and Leona's Company Policy

Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days - We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days - Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave - This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use - Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break - Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

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Will of the People

Some years ago the president, tired of his low approval ratings, called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The president said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.

"So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.

The president said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," the president ordered.

So the agent stood up, made a fist, and punched him in the nose.

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A Story of Creation

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part. At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place.

He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made.

Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time.

God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night."

Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.

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Which Came First

A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It's in the Bible. God removed Adam's rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endevors.

Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says that before that, God formed the Earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rivers, mountians and oceans. This was clear evidence that civil engineering pre-dates all other technological endevors.

No to be outdone, the computer scientist points out, "Yes, but where do you think the Chaos came from?"

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TRUE STORIES

Turkeys terrorize Wis. mail carriers

MADISON, Wis. (UPI) -- A post office manager in Madison, Wis., says delivery workers are being terrorized by wild turkeys in a West Side neighborhood.

Mara Wilhite, manager of the Hilldale Station Post Office, said between five and 10 large male turkeys have been pecking at postal carriers and occasionally attacking them with the spurs on their legs in the Parkwood Hills neighborhood, the Wisconsin State Journal (Madison) reported Tuesday.

Wilhite said one turkey barged into a mail truck's open door and scratched the surprised driver.

Eric Lobner, regional wildlife program supervisor for the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources, said the turkeys' aggression is likely tied to the mating season, which started recently and lasts until mid-May. He said the red, white and blue coloring on the mail trucks could be raising the ire of the birds, whose heads change color between blue, white and red during the mating season.

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Commuter nag acquitted of train assault

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A lawyer who objected to a teenager talking on his cell phone on a New York train was cleared of harassment and assault charges Tuesday.

Manhattan Judge Larry Stephen acquitted John Clifford, ruling he did not have any criminal intent in a dispute on the Long Island Railroad in March 2007, Newsday reported.

Witnesses during the trial described Clifford as a self-appointed behavior monitor. Donna DeCurtis, who said she was "petrified" of Clifford, described a 2006 altercation when he ordered her to talk less loudly.

Prosecutor Mary Weisgerber compared him to "a dog marking his territory."

Clifford, a former police officer who represented himself, said he only wanted "to get to work as peacefully as possible."

The incident that led to the court case began when Clifford complained that Nicholas Bender, 19, was talking too loudly on his cell phone. Weisgerber said Bender had just learned a cousin had kidney failure.

A woman who offered Bender her business card said Clifford tried to grab it and struck her on the hand.

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Group: FCC most 'egregious' censor

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (UPI) -- The Federal Communications Commission has topped a Virginia organization's list of the most "egregious and ridiculous censors" in the United States for 2008.

The Thomas Jefferson Center for the Protection of Free Expression, based in Charlottesville, Va., said in a news release that it included the FCC on its 17th annual "Jefferson Muzzles" list for "its inconsistent and unpredictable standards for determining what constitutes 'indecent' broadcasting."

Also on the list were Sarpy County (Neb.) Attorney L. Kenneth Polikov, who pressed flag mutilation and negligent child abuse charges against a man whose son stood on a U.S. flag during a protest at a military funeral; U.S. Attorney Donald Washington and Grace Chung Baker, acting head of the U.S. Justice Department's Civil Rights Division, who pressed federal hate crime charges against a man who displayed nooses on the back of his pickup truck during a civil rights march in Jena, La.; and Lancaster County (Neb.) District Judge Jeffre Cheuvront, who banned witnesses at a sexual assault trial from using the words such as "rape," "victim" or "assailant" during testimony.

The center also cited the Federal Emergency Management Agency for having its employees pose as reporters during a news conference.