hUMOR For March 6th

"I'm getting older and I'm thinking about having my eggs

frozen. Well, just the egg whites. I'm trying to cut back on

my cholesterol." --Brenda Pontiff

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Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school

any more. Following are actual answers from students on

music tests...

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was

called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the

same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex-

actly what they sounded like because there are no known

descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze

Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica,

Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in

Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a

duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the

Hatfields and the McCoys.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com-

positions and had a large number of children. In between he

practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano

concerti.

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While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to

him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little

abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope.

One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL"

(sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that

the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read

this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't

stick--resealed in Seattle."

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Found Cell Phone"

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

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CleanQuote

"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself."
- Johann Sebastian Bach

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Illustration - "The Other Side"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing. I know my Master is there and that is enough."

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Strange Facts

"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking."

~ Arthur Block

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Church Sign

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor

decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a

parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he

wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was

born, six feet long and two feet wide."

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Vow of Silence

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

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Computer Weirdness in Movies

- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)

- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")

- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")

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Computer Weirdness in Movies

- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)

- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")

- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")

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Work Laws

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

hUMOR For March 5th

Sheep Herder

There once was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair red and try and trick everyone into thinking that she was a redhead.

After she dyed her hair, she went for a drive to see if she could trick anyone.

She came across a sheep herder and his herd and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have in your herd, can I take one home?"

The sheep herder said, "Sure!"

The blonde proudly said, "There are 345 sheep."

The sheep herder exclaimed, "Wow! That is absolutely right, so go ahead and pick a sheep to take home."

The Blonde got out, got a sheep, and put it in her car.

The sheep herder said, "Now I have a deal for you. If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

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Circles"

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degrees.

“But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” remarked one of the trainees.

“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”

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Oneliner

"You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot."

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CleanPun - "Dog Dance Lessons"

This guy decides he wants his dog to be able to dance, so he enrolls the pet in dance classes. Dutifully, he takes this dog to class every week, but he sees no improvement. Finally, he takes the instructor aside and says, "I'm spending a fortune here. Why isn't my dog's dancing improving?"

"I'm sorry," the instructor replies, "but there's not much I can do. Your dog has two left feet."

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”White Gloves”

Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.

One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.

Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."

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Walking on Water

Joe heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather
had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to
the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. When Joe and
Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling.
When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side
of the boat ... and almost drowned.

Furious and somewhat ashamed, he and Brian headed for home. When Joe
arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an
explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father,
and his father, and his father before him?"

The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his
eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and
great-grandfather were born in January ... you were born in July, dear."

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Vern was telling his buddy about his diagnosis of his high blood

pressure. "The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,"

"Well, did you quit," asked his buddy.

Vern replied, "Sure did. You think I'm a dummy or something? I haven't had a

drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since."

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Morris was invited to a party but unfortunately, during the evening, he lost

his wallet.

Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, "Excuse me

ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in

it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150."

A voice from the back of the room shouted, "I will give$175!"

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"President Bush met with the king of Belgium and said 'I love your

waffles.'" - Craig Ferguson

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Seventeenth Chapter

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

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Helping To Clean The Dishes

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

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Calf Value

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.

"But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now."

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Your Daughter is Pregnant

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

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Elephant Picture

Jake is five years old and learning to read. He points at a

picture in a zoo book and says, "Look, Mama! It's a frickin'

elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does ...

"A f r i c a n Elephant."

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

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"They do a lot of animal testing in the cosmetics industry,

maybe they should brag about it in their commercials.

'Aquanet hair spray, if it can blind a spider monkey, it

can make your hair look luscious!'" --Vernon Chapman

***

"I think the most memorable experience I had in France was

visiting the cathedral at Chartres. It's a 400-year-old

cathedral. Beautiful stained glass, and it's a very, very

moving experience, and as I was writing my name on it with

a can of spray paint..." --Steve Martin

hUMOR For March 4th

Meeting the Big Guy

A rich American tourist was holidaying overseas, and was intent on seeing the Big Guy. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Big Guy would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Big Guy made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Big Guy then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Big Guy would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Big Guy and hopefully exchange a few words. The Big Guy was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here?!"

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A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me

to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the

road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going

on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen

and fire personnel were stumped.

We went in to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one

young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to

get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or

fire department.

"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."

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"Grandma Shar, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle

the middle-of-the-night feeding asked Nikki Rae"

"No. I always did that."

"That must have been before you had women's liberation said Nikkie Rae."

"No, it was before we had baby bottles said Grandma Shar"

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You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on

lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off.

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At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in

the head and I should be committed to a mental institution.

Why do women always want us to make a commitment? --Unknown

***

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to

say and then don't say it. --Sam Levenson

***

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the

driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other

vehicle was a cow.

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A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house,

which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate

agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day

to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk

to anyone about the house.

One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and

asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first

reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became

more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one

secret but she could not tell it to him.

"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret.

I promise I won't tell anyone."

She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have

monsters in our sewer."

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In the office where I work, there is a constant battle

between our technical-support director and customer-service

personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too

low.

The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his

position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the

temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers

will overheat."

Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my

shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they

keep the computers from overheating before there was air

conditioning?"

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says if John McCain is the Republican nominee, he will campaign for him. Well, you can't do better than that." --David Letterman

"Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you see Roger Clemens testifying this week before Congress? One congressman named Elijah Cummings called Clemens, "One of my heroes," and then called him a liar. So, I guess that's what makes you a hero to a congressman pretty much." --Jay Leno

"This week in Sacramento, Mexican President Felipe Calderon spoke to California lawmakers. And out of force of habit, they gave him a driver's license." --Jay Leno

"On Bill O'Reilly's show on Fox, Bill O'Reilly does a segment he calls 'Pinhead or Patriot.' And today President Bush said, 'Well, why can't you be both?'" --Jay Leno

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Rude Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly upset now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so upset that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

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I Feel Like a Bridge

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bridge.
The Doctor says, "What's come over you?"
The guy says, "Three cars and a truck!"

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Price of a Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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Accounting Interview

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview

for a good paying job. The company boss asked various

questions about him and his education, but then asked him,

"What is three times seven?"

"Twenty-two," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked

it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to

the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, Rick got a letter that said he was

hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in

the mouth, but he was still very curious. The next day, he

went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got

such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said,

"Well, you were the closest."

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Money talks, but credit has an echo.

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Strange Facts

"Babies of blue whale weigh up to 7 tonnes at birth"

hUMOR For March 3rd

"Castro announced his retirement on the Internet. This is

the man who blocked the Internet in his own country. He has

a blog. Probably has a MySpace page as well — Current mood:

Evil." -Craig Ferguson

***

"Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Texas. They're really

nervous over at the Hillary camp. To give you an idea how

nervous she is, she showed up in a pantsuit and chaps."

-David Letterman

***

"Yesterday, Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down. He

will be replaced by his brother Raul. According to the State

Department, Raul is the Jim Belushi of Central America."

-Conan O'Brien

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A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair

some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested

area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning

of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one

member, of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running

across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I

wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

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The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan's companion,

but he rejected her for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated

by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as

far away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her flight

from fantasy land ended in Fresno, California, where she

became a waitress at a roadside truckstop.

One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the

restaurant. They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely,

slopped chunks of food all over the table and floor, and

left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per trucker. The

enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one

of the paltry coins, and screamed, "It's the wrong way to

tip a fairy, who's a long way from home!"

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Men's Room

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

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Love Note From Vern To Dottie

To Dottie, the love of my life:

There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb
the highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would
swim the widest ocean to be near you, my beloved.

With love and tenderness,
Vernon

PS: See you Saturday night, if it doesn't rain.

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Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

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The Less You Know, The More You Make

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.

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Calming Albert

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert!"

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Caught Stealing

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

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King of the Jungle?

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

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Fishcakes

A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm.

"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.

"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.

"Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday."

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Male assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

hUMOR For March 2nd

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The Good of a Bad Relationship

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first!"

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Big Sale Day

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

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Sales Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'Best Deals'.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'Lowest Prices'.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... 'Main entrance'.

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Phone Numbers

As a high school football coach, I know that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.

When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.

"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"

The flustered kid replied, "Thirty-Three."

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Folks from Texas

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas .

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybodys passing you, you may live in Texas

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Texas

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Texas friends & others, you definitely live in Texas

Need a vacation? Here is a list of actual places to travel to in Texas:

Need to be cheered up?

Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530
Grandview, Texas 76050
Happy, Texas 79042
Pep, Texas 79353
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Smiley, Texas 78159
Splendora, Texas 77372
Sweet Home, Texas 77987

Love the Sun?

Sun City, Texas 78628
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunny Side, Texas 77423
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270

Want something to eat?

Bacon , Texas 76301
Noodle , Texas 79536
Oatmeal , Texas 78605
Turkey , Texas 79261
Trout , Texas 75789
Sugar Land , Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice , Texas 75155
And top it off with:
Sweetwater , Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!

Detroit , Texas 75436
Colorado City , Texas 79512
Denver City , Texas 79323
Nevada , Texas 75173
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami , Texas 79059
Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861
Reno, Texas 75462

Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!

Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China, Texas 77613
Egypt, Texas 77436
Turkey , Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460
Moscow, Texas 77351

No need to travel to Washington D.C.

Whitehouse , Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!

Earth, Texas 79031

Men are from Mars, woman are from

Venus, Texas 76084

Speaking of the outer spaces!

Rising Star, Texas 76471

And lets not forget the down to earth!

Humble, Texas ( or those non-Texans, it's pronounced Umble. There is no such word as Humble in a Texan's vocabulary).

And a city named after our State!

Texas City , Texas 77590

Exhausted?

Energy, Texas 76452

Cold?

Blanket , Texas 76432
Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?

Santa Anna , Texas
Goliad , Texas
Alamo , Texas
Gun Barrel City , Texas

Need Office Supplies?

Staples, Texas 78670

You guessed it... it's on the state line..

Texline , Texas 79087

For the kids...

Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie , Texas 77665
Sylvester , Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile..... :

Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Clyde, Texas
Duster, Texas
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kerens, Texas 75144
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079
The Anti-Al Gore City
Kilgore , Texas 75662 Love this one.


P.S. Whoops, left out

Muleshoe
Cut'n shoot,
Hoot And Holler,
Ding Dong, and don't forget......
Farewell, Texas

And, of course, there is a place in Texas that is......

KNOTT , TEXAS

hUMOR For March 1st

A salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his

mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly

to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."

He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared.

Prepare yourself."

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I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying

out an art project: making a person

with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face,

put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to

see how it looked.

Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise

visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he

said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"

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I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying

out an art project: making a person

with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face,

put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to

see how it looked.

Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise

visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he

said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"

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Tea Service"

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in
which my arm had been broken. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

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CleanQuote

"Vision is not enough; it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps. We must step up the stairs."
- Vaclav Havel

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CleanQuote

"Vision is not enough; it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps. We must step up the stairs."
- Vaclav Havel

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"Invitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.

Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"

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Free Haircut

After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, and haircut, he placed a little boy in the chair.

"I'm going to buy a tie real quick," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the little boy's haircut was complete and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the little boy.

"He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, kid, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

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On Somewhat Of A Serious Note. The names in the story below have been changed to protect the innocent, as they used to say on Dragnet.

Dan, The Duck & The Devil
Danny was a little boy visiting his grandparents on
their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out
in the woods. He practiced in the woods; but he could
never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he
headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw
Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the
slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and
killed it. He was shocked and grieved!

In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile;
only to see his sister watching! Judy had seen it
all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Judy, let's
wash the dishes" But Judy said, "Grandma , Danny told
me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she
whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Danny did
the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted
to go fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need
Judy to help make supper." Judy just smiled and
said, "Well that's all right because Danny told me he
wanted to help" She whispered again, "Remember the
duck?" So Judy went fishing and Danny stayed to help


After several days of Danny doing both his chores and
Judy's; he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came
to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.

Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said,
"Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the
window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love
you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you
would let Judy make a slave of you."

Thought for the day and every day thereafter? Keep an eye on your scamming sister.

Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done...
and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face
(lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred,
anger, bitterness, etc.)...whatever it is ...You need
to know that God was standing at the window and He saw
the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.

He's just wondering how long you will let the devil
make a slave of you. The great thing about God is
that when you ask for forgiveness; He not only
forgives you, but He forgets. It is by God's grace and
mercy that we are saved

Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life
today. Share this with a friend and always remember:
God is at the window!

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Feeling Old?

About 15 years ago, my brother and I were shopping in a record store
in the downtown plaza. He was trying to find music recordings
related to the concert known as "Woodstock" from the 1960's. The
teen-aged clerk asked if she could be of assistance.

"Yes, I'm trying to find recordings of Woodstock," he explained.

The young lady looked very puzzled and I knew she had no clue, but I
had no idea how badly she had no clue until she spoke...

"Woodstock? You mean Snoopy's little buddy?"

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Announcement from the Pulpit

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then,

but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants

would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the

minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual

Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend

told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from

the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly

agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly

remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he

was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That

morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his

face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we

begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to

thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and

for the spirit in which they were given!"

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Strange Facts

"85% of your brain is water."

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The Gut Fart

Vern and Dottie have been married for 20 years. Every morning for 20 years, Vern wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 20 years, Samantha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Dottie is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before Vern gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Well, later that morning, Vern wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
bathroom. Dottie laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Vern has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.

She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Vern opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."