Strange Facts
"In
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On a plane bound for
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to
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New Boyfriend
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her
parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos and more piercings than they wanted to count.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their
concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would
he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
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Generous lawyer
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Do You Have The Time
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
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Dumb Criminal
A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
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Cannibal Food
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
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Photo Apology
Photographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity
portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's
photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken.
"You must forgive me," the photographer said diplomatically.
"The last time I took your picture, I was ten years
younger."
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Don't Mess With The Amish
Tips on pond drinking for Muslims...
An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.”
Which means: “Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.”
The man shouts back: “I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!”
The Amish man says: “Use two hands, you'll get more.”
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Economics 101
Guide to success in the financial world...
Once upon a time in a small remote village, in a land far away, a stranger appeared in the town square and announced to the assembled villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to catch some. The stranger bought thousands at $10 and as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts and returned to concentrate on their farms.
The stranger reappeared in the village square a few days later and further announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started searching high and low in the surrounding forests catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms, content with their profits from the second sale of monkeys.
A week later, the stranger appeared again and the offer increased to $25 for each monkey. The villagers redoubled their efforts in the search, but the supply of monkeys had became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it. Fewer monkeys were brought in for sale, so the stranger now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50.
However, he told the assembled villagers, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the stranger, the assistant had a huge cage hauled in to town. He told the villagers: “Look at all these monkeys that the stranger has collected in the big cage. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the stranger returns from the big city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”
The villagers rounded up all their savings, the hard earned money that they made from the capture and sale of monkeys and gave it to the assistant. They bought all the monkeys back.
They waited for the stranger to return. Days went by and turned to weeks and they never saw the stranger or his assistant. There were monkeys everywhere.
Now you have a much better understanding of just how the stock market works…
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"My mother was as religious as she was repressed. Her facts
of life speech began with the phrase, 'Satan takes many
forms...'" -Dana Gould
***
"They say that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray,
which is a good thing to remember the next time you get
lonely." -Fred Stoller
***
"A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks
in
$85 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated
from the Starbucks. They were taken to the Starbucks to
two doors down." --Jay Leno