hUMOR For Feb 9th

The pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the nearly-deaf old man

the bottle of pills saying, "That'll be $16.50."

Just then the drug store phone rang and the pharmacist answered. As he did,

the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of the store with

his prescription.

The clerk realized the mistake and shouted but the old man did not hear and

kept walking. When the pharmacist finished his call the clerk explained

what had happened.

The pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the cash register

saying to the clerk, "Oh well, 30 cents profit is better than nothing."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A remote-controlled advertising blimp touting a Ford/Toyota dealership in

Salisbury, N.C., was flying over a vacant lot when a man in a black

Chevrolet pickup drove up, got out, and shot at it with a shotgun, causing

$10,000 in damage.

A witness wrote down the truck's license number. Police say it's registered

to a nearby Chevrolet dealer.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I used to be up the creek without a paddle. Now, I'm down the information

highway without a modem.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!
• And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
• Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
• Uh-oh.
• I don't know where that came from! Just put it over there.
• Better crank up that anesthesia.
• I don't think that was supposed to come off.
• Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won't pay for the rest.
• Well, it's five o'clock! We'll just put this off till tomorrow.
• Hey... ...maybe the janitor knows what this is.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Walmart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't

seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10,

sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really

tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the

company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person

Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal

with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do

a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite

bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to

hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're

retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came

in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this

morning, sir?'"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Grandpa's Driving

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say, 'Idiot!' afterwards."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Some insurance companies won't pay for Viagra unless men

can prove that they're impotent. Which means that you are

at a disadvantage if you have a really hot pharmacist."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"Congratulations to the new Miss Universe. It's Miss Puerto

Rico. Is it just me or does it seem like the winner is always

from earth?" -Dave Letterman

***

"I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on

top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,

and I gave her a burrito." -Mitch Hedberg

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in

rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when

a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the

trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers

explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.

They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming

toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she

said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench

crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted

several historical points of interest. The children were

especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game

"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships

the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to

look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.

Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my

daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen

always die."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Clean Breakfast

This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.

I bet you were mad.

Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Tearful Bride

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Vern's Computer Tricks

Computer manufacturers are considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

- A technician received a call from Vern complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

- Vern was asked to send a copy of his defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from Vern along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

- A technician advised Vern to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. Vern put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

- Vern called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

- An exasperated Vern to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked Vern what happened when he pushed the power button. His response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

- Vern called Tech Support to say his brand-new computer wouldn't work. He said he unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

hUMOR For Feb 8th

Walmart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't

seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10,

sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really

tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the

company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person

Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal

with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do

a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite

bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to

hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're

retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came

in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this

morning, sir?'"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cow Poke

On vacation one year I went to a resort in Wyoming. As part of the usual activities, a neighboring ranch invited guests from our resort to participate in a cattle drive. After watching 20 make-believe cowpokes whooping and hollering, I rode up to the ranch owner and asked her how many cowboys it normally takes to drive a herd of that size.

"One," she replied.

"One?!" I said incredulously.

"And a dog," she added.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Strange Fact

"The average person laughs 13 times a day!" - Can you laugh more?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

God’s Left Hand

Little Vernie was spending the weekend with his grandmother. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked... "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Vernie, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Marriage is a relationship in which one person

is always right, and the other is a husband.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Memory Improvement

I knew that as I was getting older, I was finally able to admit that
certain things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this
memory "slippage", I went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on
memory improvement.

After an hour I slipped out. I took the same course, given by the
same professor, last year.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL

CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm

not afraid of small children." -Jonathan Katz

***

"I hate waking up every morning to my alarm. I always bang

my head on the steering wheel." --Scott Wood

***

"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half

full, I say, are you going to drink that?" -Lisa Claymen

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

While working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult

assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One

day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old

Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO,

THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to

my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor

husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me!

My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard

me say a bad word about about him?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Got Any Grapes

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Purple Monkey

A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222." The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.

The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs...the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.

Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.

The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!"

The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

You Know You're Growing Older When

- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

- You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

- You get winded playing chess.

- Your children begin to look middle-aged.

- You join a health club and don't go.

- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.

- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

- Dialing long distance wears you out.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Batmobile

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

"Robin get into the Batmobile."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Vacuum Salesman

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to

the first house in his new territory. He knocks, and a

really mean, tough-looking lady opens the door. Before she

has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps

garden soil all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders

cleaning this up, I'll eat every bit of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on

that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the

electricity turned on yet."

hUMOR For Feb 7th

One day a young man was writing a letter to his girl friend who lived just a

few miles away in a nearby town. Among other things, he was telling her how

much he loved her and how wonderful he thought she was.

The more he wrote, the more poetic he became. Finally, he said that in order

to be with her he would suffer the greatest

difficulties, he would face the greatest dangers that anyone could imagine.

In fact, to spend only one minute with her, he would climb the highest

mountain in the world. He would swim across the widest river. He would enter

the deepest forest and with his bare hands fight against the fiercest

animals.

He finished the letter, signed his name, and then suddenly remembered that

he had forgotten to mention something quite

important. So he added:

P.S. I will be over to see you Wednesday night as long as it doesn't rain.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside

to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his

smoldering building.

His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing

nearby. "Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that

prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"All the world loves a lover. Except people who are waiting to use the

phone." - Milton Berle

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Be Careful What You Wish For

For years, three men were stranded on a desert island. They survived by eating bananas and other fruit that grew naturally on the island.

One day, a magic lamp washed on to the beach. They rubbed the lamp, and a genie appeared that granted each man a wish.

"I wish I was off this island and back with my family," said the first man, and he disappeared.

"I also wish I was off this island and back home," said the second man. He too disappeared.

The third man, looked around and feeling lonely, looked up to the genie, "I really kind of like this island. I have everything I want, but it is getting a little lonely, so I wish my two friends were back to keep me company."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Country Tunes

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a
display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the
flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed
instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much
to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my
ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a
cheese slicer."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Bill Gates, the world's richest man, the Microsoft man, he

bought the Four Seasons today. Not the hotel chain, the

actual seasons. It's now Microsoft winter, Windows Spring..."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"Did you hear about the fan violence in Italy at soccer

games? The fan violence in Italy at soccer games has gotten

so bad, the teams are forced to play in empty stadiums.

Empty stadiums! And so now, it's just like United States

soccer." -Dave Letterman

***

"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and

it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of

interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They

have raised the limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion.

It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting

an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to

K. Then your F looks like a C." -Jon Stewart

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out-

side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf

ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside

the room, asked the pacing golfer.

"No," replied the man, "That's my ball!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Did you hear of the accountant who added up his columns of

numbers so oddly that he always ended with, "$79.25 plus a

cat," or "$568.13 plus a cat," and so on?

It seems he had an "add-a-puss" complex.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.

9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.

8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!

6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.

3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.

2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.

1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though).

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fast Drinker

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve soda's and starts drinking them as fast as he can. T

he bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Named Drink

A grasshopper goes to a bar and hops up on a stool.

The bartender is surprised to see a grasshopper and says "Say, you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Roger?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Writer's Allowed to Choose

A writer died, and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the hereafter, she was to be allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being very shrewd for a dead person, she asked St. Peter for a tour of both.

The first stop was hell, where she saw rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. Your typical hell scene.

"Wow, this is awful," said the writer., appalled "Let's see some heaven."

In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. It looked and smelled even worse than hell.

"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"

"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Adoption
What it means to be an adopted child...

A group of first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair colour than the other members. One of the students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, “I know all about adoption, I was adopted.”

“What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child.

“It means,” said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Call Center Outsourcing
Driving away from your problems...

I was depressed last night so I called Suicide Lifeline.

Got a call center... in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

hUMOR For Feb 6th

Modeling

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said "but that won't work on me."

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he insisted.

"Really?" she said, softening. "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase..."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Rejection From Satan

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Jean Squeeze

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when
she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the
added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband,
"Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"In the movies, Sylvester Stallone is Rambo again. Like

everyone else, he's older. Now when he gets dropped behind

enemy lines he says, 'What did I come here for?'"

-David Letterman

***

"Food addicts are the people I feel sorriest for because

that's really hard. You need to eat. You don't need to do

drugs. Very hard for these people to quit. "I'm going cold

turkey... mmmmm turkey. Do not think about food... do not

think about food... do not... nuts..." -Craig Ferguson

***

"According to a survey by nationwide mutual insurance, 2

percent of people actually shave while they're driving. They

shave! How many guys would like to be in the car with those

women?" --Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

As the owner of an old clunker, I was used to dealing with

a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket,

just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed

a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I

knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of

action.

When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the pro-

blem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis.

When he came back in, he was smiling. "It's apple juice," he

said.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours

was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski

mask come hurling headfirst through the window.

"What on earth are you up to? What happened?!" he demanded.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of

the brick."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Accident Report

Because I was processing my first accident report at the

transport company where I worked, I was being particularly

attentive.

The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was

a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was

broken, however, when I reached the section of the report

that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"

The driver had put, "Full gallop."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

From a Child's Mouth...

Several years ago, when I lived in New York and flew to customer sites often, my wife would usually drop me off at Newark (N.J.) airport and pick me up when I returned. On one trip, I was only going to be gone for a few days, so I drove myself, and parked the car at Newark.

When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at night. I wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort of my wife and my own bed. When I arrived, the storm was very loud, with crashing thunder and Severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children, Alex (3) and Cindy (12), in bed with my wife, Carolyn, apparently scared by the loud storm.

I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Points to Ponder

- The Bill of Rights (Void where prohibited by law)

- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

- A fool and his mone can throw one heck of a party.

- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

- Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Losing a wife/husband can be hard. In my case it was darn near impossible.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Life of a Government Worker

- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

- When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.

- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you to excel."

- Training is something spoken about but never seen.

- Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

- No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.

- Change is the norm.

- Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.

- The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.

- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

- You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Think About It

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

- If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

hUMOR For Feb 5th

"Murphy's Laws for Parents"

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

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"According to a recent study, there is a very high level of

mercury in tuna in Manhattan. One supermodel eats so much

sushi, she is working as a thermometer." -David Letterman

***

"Boy did it rain last night. Over 3 inches of Pelligrino

fell in Beverly Hills last night." -Jay Leno

***

"The government is trying to give the economy a boost. They

are giving us a rebate check. I think it is very nice of

them to give us our own money back." -Jimmy Kimmel

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

After a recent move, I made up a list of companies, agencies,

and services that needed to know my new address and phoned

each one to ask for the change to be made.

Everything went smoothly until I called one of my frequent

flier accounts. After I explained to the representative what

I wanted to do, the woman told me, "I'm sorry; we can't do

that over the phone. You will have to fill out our change-of-

address form."

"How do I get one of those?" I asked.

"We'd be happy to provide you with one," she said pleasantly.

"May I have your new address so that I can mail it to you?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Contemporary Latin Phrases:

"Domino vobiscum."

(The pizza guy is here.)

"Auda similarum ad seattles."

(They all sound just like Pearl Jam.)

"Sharpei diem."

(Seize the wrinkled dog.)

"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."

(Remove foil before microwaving.)

"Il guyus nissanem iste ickye."

(That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)

"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum."

(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)

"Motorolus interruptus."

(Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)

"Veni, vidi, Pesci."

(I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.)

"Revelare Pecunia!"

(Show Me The Money!)

"Sic semper tyrannus."

(Your dinosaur is ill.)

"No Quid Pro Quo."

(I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)

"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."

(It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro"

(I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

"Et tu, pluribus unum?"

(The government just stabbed me in the back!)

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Rejected Greeting Cards

You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.

You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

It's So True

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

- Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!

- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- The trouble with life is there's no background music.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

You Know You Work for the Government If...

- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.

- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.

- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.

- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.

- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.

- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.

- It's dark when you drive to and from work.

- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Get Me One Too

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning".

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister".

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Football Newby

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.

Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing

each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?