hUMOR For Jan 18th

My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to

her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative

state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!

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Too Good to Be True

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale $50."

The next day someone stole it.

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Amish Humor

Sign behind an Amish carriage:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats. CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

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R.I.P.

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

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Driving Test

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

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Fast Driver

My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a

state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through

Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear

shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to

the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires

out?"

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Hamberger Seeds

Little Vernie went, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night"with his dad.

As we were eating our hamburgers, Jacob asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"

I responded that they were tiny seeds and were okay to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Vernie looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we'll have enough hamburgers to last forever."

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Potato Problem

Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand
mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes.
Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.

"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen."

After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the
potatoes first?"

To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"

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"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the

worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look

any better." --Margot Black

***

"I hate driving, and I hate when people honk at me. Unless

I'm making a left turn. Then I like it because that's how

I know it's time to turn." --Rita Rudner

***

"The only comfort you can take from eating at a Denny's is

that you know for sure that all over America, everyone else

at a Denny's is just as unhappy as you are." --Drew Carey

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One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit

a friend at work. Everyone there knew her, and she was

offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees

went to make more coffee, her son followed her and asked,

"What are you doing?"

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.

Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow!

You know how to make beer?"

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm

going to shoot him!"

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House of the Rising Sun

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time.

She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

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You know it's July in Florida when:

- Hot water comes out of both taps.

- You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.

- The trees are whistling for the dogs.

- You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.

- The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

- You burn your hand opening the car door.

- The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.

- You can make instant sun tea.

- Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.

- Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

- When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.

- Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.

- You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.

- You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

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Star Wars Version of "You Might Be a Redneck If..."

- Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

- You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

- At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored

- There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder

- You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

- You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

- You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

- You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

- Wookies are offended by your B.O.

hUMOR For Jan 17th

This is sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1977 : Long hair

2007 : Longing for hair

1977 : KEG

2007: EKG

1977 : Acid rock

2007 : Acid reflux

1977 : Moving to California because it's cool

2007 : Moving to Arizona because it's w arm

1977 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1977 : Seeds and stems

2007 : Roughage (ACTUALLY I THINK NOW IT'S REFERRED TO AS "FIBER"!)

1977 : Hoping for a BMW

2007: Hoping for a BM

1977 : Going to a new, hip joint

2007 : Receiving a new hip joint

1977 : Rolling Stones

2007: Kidney Stones

1977 : Screw the system

2007: Upgrade the system

1977 : Disco

2007: Costco

1977 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1977 : Passing the drivers' test

2007: Passing the vision test

1977 : Whatever

2007 : Depends

Just in case you we aren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering! machine

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...

So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!

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"Window Seats"

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.

The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting!"

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Oneliner

"The worst thing about censorship is

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"Sister Mary"

There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior.

One day she comes up with an idea: Since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up.

She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood.

Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.

Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace.

Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"

Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?"

To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve."

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”Yellow Pink and Green”

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, Except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him.

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"I married a younger man. Five years younger than I am. I

figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise

one." --Unknown

***

"I have a list I made when I was twelve of things I wanted

to do before I die. Omigod...how embarrassing. Number One:

Touch a boobie." --Drew Carey

***

"I have come to realize that we are all truly on our own.

Today, my wife yelled, 'What do you want from me? I made

you a bowl of cereal!'" --Paul Alexander

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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,

super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area

51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their

"secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and

hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got

lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run

out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background

check on the pilot and held him overnight during the

investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot

really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his air-

plane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base"

briefing, told him Vegas was that-a-way and sent him on

his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force,

the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's

surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people

in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want

to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell

her where I was last night."

hUMOR For Jan 16th

CleanQuote

"The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken."
- Samuel Johnson, British Author, Lexicographer

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"Motherly Help"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, girl?"

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Work Witsdom

1 I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

2

3 Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4

5 Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

6

7 Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

8

9 I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

10

11 My reality check bounced.

12

13 On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14

15 I don't suffer from stress, but I am a carrier.

16

17 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

18 Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience

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"It's important to recycle your Christmas tree. In fact, we

recycle the ornaments. We let the cat lick the tinsel off

the tree, then when he coughs up those Brillo fur balls, we

use them to clean the grill." -Jay Leno

***

"I had a good weekend. Guillermo and Uncle Frank came over

and I smoked a roast in my smoker. I smoked it for 12 hours.

Fifteen pounds of roast, 15 guys there, one three pound dog,

and not one scrap left. We ate the dog, too, when we were

finished." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"This is a great opportunity to let the audience into my

private world. You guys don't know who the real guy is. So

I'm going to give you some fun facts right now. I'm 6 foot

4. I weigh 178 pounds. For an hour after I was born, doctors

that I was a baby girl. The light was very good; I still

don't understand." Conan O'Brien

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Old Proff. Vernon Allen had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely

with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and

some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and

fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and

look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a

five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing

with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young

women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made

the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until

you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you

young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond

naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the

alligator."

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My son is the manager of a glass and window company and ad-

vertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good

glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who

called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.

"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.

The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."

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12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

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Engineer's Glass

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

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Cop's Toilet

Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?

Right now the cops have nothing to go on.

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Tall Order

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where a huge commotion erupts!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

hUMOR For Jan 15th

You Know You're Too Hi-Tech If

- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

- You call your son's beeper to let him know that it is time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

- Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

- You chat several times a day with someone from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

- Your daughter just bought a single CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

- Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

- You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

- Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email

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Perspective

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

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Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

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Hardware Store Sign

My local hardware store puts its customers in their place

before they even enter. The sign on the door reads:

"Shoes required, because you might hurt yourself. Shirts

required, because you're not as good-looking as you think."

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"Please, your honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an

anxious looking man.

"Why should I excuse you," asked the judge.

"You see, there's a man to whom I owe fifty dollars and he's leaving in a

few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch

him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."

"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who

can lie like that."

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Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on

the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about

alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat

broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group

for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out

to eat?"

Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"

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"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a

dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement." - Snoopy

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Old Dog
Who says an old dog can’t learn new tricks?

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

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Chocolate Math for 2008 *
Guessing your age through chocolate?

[This is pretty neat how it works out... DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST... It takes less than a minute... Work this out as you read... Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out...]

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (try for more than once but less than 10) ...

2. Multiply this number by 2 ...

3. Add 5 ...

4. Multiply it by 50. I'll wait while you get the calculator ...

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758 *; If you haven't, add 1757 *...

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born ...

You should have a three digit number ...

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to have chocolate each week) ...

The next two numbers equal ...

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES IT IS!!!)


Don't believe us, eh? Verify it with this Excel Chocolate Math Spreadsheet...

* Number dependent on Year

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"Say what you want about the president, but he didn't become

the president to make friends. He became president because

the White House has a bowling alley in the basement."

--Jimmy Kimmel

***

"New Jersey is trying to make it illegal to smoke in a car

while children are in the car with you. Do you think that

will do much good? Which is worse? The smoke in the car or

the air in New Jersey?" --Jay Leno

***

"Russia has announced it's holding its annual beauty

pageant for nuclear power plant workers. Apparently last

year's winner had the most beautiful three eyes they've

ever seen." --Conan O'Brien

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A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska

for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He

kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log

cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog

team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civil-

ization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

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It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a

prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas

gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the

wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is

apprehended by a policeman.

He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman

that he can't be arrested.

The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law

states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."

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Calling in Sick

My co-worker was being let go due to a nasty habit he had of not
always showing up for work. As the union steward, I was preparing to
argue on his behalf when he took matters into his own hands and
insisted, "But I really WAS sick this time!"

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"Location Question"

Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from. "Trinidad," I said.

"Is that in Arabia?"

"The Caribbean."

She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."

hUMOR For Jan 14th

New Virus Warning

This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

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Early Bird

Yes, you’re right. The early bird does get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese!

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Mean Old Woman

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."

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Babysitting

A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom

could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters

upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One

child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept

sending him back.

At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It was the next-door

neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The

young man brusquely replied, "No."

Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a

voice shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home."

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If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

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Tough Fight

One night, a man was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. He and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and the man put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through the man's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on him was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked the man why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" came the reply, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

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A policeman turned on his sirens and quickly pulled over Dan speeding in his Chevy Impala. The cop got out of the car and scribbled out a ticket for the obviously annoyed wishing he was a teenager wannabe.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled Dan as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

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"Audi Alteram Parten"

During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.

Responded one woman, "My husband."

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"Audi Alteram Parten"

During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.

Responded one woman, "My husband."

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Oneliner

"I want my children to have all the things I never could afford - then I want to move in with them."

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Book Page Problem"

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library... The librarian quips after checking the books...

"Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book..."

The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one."

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Cannibal Team”

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you; however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

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"Real" World

My brother was recently launched into the "real world" and, shocked
by the expenses that came with it, he was complaining about the high
cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."

He smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just
to get free peanuts."

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Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."