hUMOR For Dec 9th

Early Shopping

It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?""Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant. "That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy."How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?""Before the store opened," replied the defendant!!

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Blonde Christmas

Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"

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Christmas Confusion

Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime"4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!!"

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Hemingway HallA visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway.""Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.""Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?""Yes, indeed. He wrote a check."

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You are out of tune
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

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A Feat of Strength
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."

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Air Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"

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Jumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

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For my 30th birthday, my husband treated me to a day at a spa, highlighted
by an herbal body wrap. I was painted with an herbal mix, wrapped up in
cellophane and bound tightly with Ace bandages. I commented to my attendant
how uncomfortable women of the past must have felt wearing their corsets.

"Yeah," she said, nodding. "Aren't you glad we don't do crazy stuff like
that anymore?"

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Scientists Decode the First Low-Frequency Radio Waves From an Alien
Civilization Ever to Reach Earth...

"Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the
top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at
the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within
one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power
your civilization until entropy reaches maximum! IT REALLY WORKS but don't
break the chain. The last star system that broke the chain was instantly
sucked into a black hole never to be seen again.

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"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's
flat." - Buzz Nutley

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Ghost Indian
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there was a tapping on the window. "Ah Hoh!" "Hey guy!" "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!" Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window. The Ponca man driving shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour. "Step on it!" "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window. The driver shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour. Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window. "You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there." "I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour. About that time the little old man motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did. "Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?"

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A motorway walks into a pub one day...
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

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hUMOR For Dec 8th

AMUSING QUOTE

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.”
~Brendan Gill

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Hanukkah Tree

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?" "What? No, of course not." says his father. "Why not?" asks the child again.Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."

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Dogs Rules For Christmas

. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:a. Don't pee on the treeb. Don't drink water in the container that holds the treec. Mind your tail when you are near the treed. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them opene. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leansb. Don't eat off the buffet tablec. Beg for goodies subtlyd. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofae. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the housec. Tolerate childrend. Turn on your charm big time7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.DON'T BITE HIM!!

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Electric Trains

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."

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10 Reasons For A Raise

10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.8. Reindeer and elves have unionised, driving up his cost.7. New tax on flying sleighs.6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years.5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.1. The Mrs. told him to.

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Singing Elf

What do you call an ELF who sings?A Wrapper!

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10 Days Of Christmas

The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas
On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,Some parts to a Mustang GT.On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,5 TURKEY WINGS 4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS 4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,11 rasslin tickets10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,12 pack of Bud11 rasslin tickets10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 table dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.

hUMOR For Dec 7th

I don't know about you, but I find those "Out-Of-The-Office" Email
Auto-replies so ordinary and tedious. Here are some alternatives.

1. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I
don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get
to it.

4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at
(insert Pointy-Haired Boss's cell phone number here).

5. The email server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your
computer and try sending again.

6. Please reply to this email so I will know that you got this message.

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I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

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HorseshoeOne day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?""Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

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Recess

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie

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"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the
belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the
true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places
on your body where this is a possibility, you're not attrac-
tive. You are leaking." -Fran Lebowitz

***

"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread
to the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse,
and we will become a primitive society where we all run
around naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings.
Wouldn't that be GREAT?" --Dave Barry

***

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner
with." -Anonymous woman

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Following the birth of our daughter, the nurse told my wife
that whe would have to take it easy. So for the next six
weeks, "You can't do any lifting, swimming, driving, sex..."

My wife stopped her there. "I can't drive for how long?"

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During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs,
a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.

When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer
pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one; I always do
the driving."

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Reading of the Will
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death. “Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”

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Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creamsA. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?A: Pi a'la mode.

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Two Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night. After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot. When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."

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Penguin Breakdown

A truck driver had to deliver five hundred penguins to the
state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert,
the truck broke down.

After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours,
he waved another truck down and offered the driver $500 to
take the penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day, the first truck driver arrived in town and saw
the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins
walking in single file behind him.

The first truck driver jumped out of his truck and said,
"What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to
the zoo!"

The second truck driver replied, "I did take them to the
zoo. And I had money left over, so now we're going to see a
movie."

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I would play peek-a-boo with babies, but the game has no official ending.

hUMOR Dec 6th

Catfish vs. Orange Roughy
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

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Jumping on BedsConnie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that if he fell, he would hurt himself badly.Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds.Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

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"A recent study has found that more senior citizens than
ever are entering college. College faculty says that the
seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots
just for the Jell-O." --Conan O'Brien

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"A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks
in San Francisco. Police defused the device, saving over
$85 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated
from the Starbucks. They were taken to the Starbucks to
two doors down." --Jay Leno

***

"Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may start allowing
wrestlers now to wear pants. Ah, great ­ there goes the sex
appeal." --Dave Letterman

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On a whim a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and
surprise her after work.

The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at
the flowers in his hand and started screaming, "This is
the worst day that I have EVER had! The kids have been
terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine
broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog
chewed up my best pair of shoes...AND NOW YOU'VE GOT THE
NERVE TO COME HOME DRUNK!"

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An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record
at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at
one notation.

"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize
I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I
didn't offend anyone."

He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in
question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.

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Catfish Jokes
Q. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?A. One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish! Q. What is the difference between a bearded lawyer and a catfish?A. One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

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Spaghetti Sauce
Stumpy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving. In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Stumpy's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

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Toddler Miracle Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!! DAY ONE---- Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handfull of potato chips, and a glass of milk ( 3 sips only, then spill the rest) Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor........... DAY TWO----- Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handfull of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker untill sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE----- Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handfull of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible. FINAL DAY---- Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

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Watch Out For That Tree
A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?" The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."

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Incorrect Email Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon forty years
earlier. Now, because of their very hectic schedule, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband
left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife
was going to fly there the following day. The husband
checked into the hotel, but unlike when they were there the
first time forty years earlier, there was a computer in the
room and he decided to send an email to his wife. As he
typed out the address, however, he accidentally made a
one-letter mistake in the email address.

Meanwhile, in Houston, Texas, a Baptist pastor had just had
a heart attack and died. His wife returned home from the
funeral and decided to check her email, thinking that there
might be messages from relatives and so on. After reading
the first message, she screamed and fainted dead away. The
widow's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the
floor. He then saw the computer screen, and here is what it
said:

"To my darling wife, I know that you are surprised to hear
from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to
send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
checked in. I see that everything's been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing you then. I
hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

"P.S. It sure is hot down here!"

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How To Cure Baldness

1. Tie a container of water to a roof rafter so that it hangs down to
shoulder-level.

2. Sit in a chair under this container of water.

3. Rub a large amount of salt on your bald spot.

4. The hairs under the skin will become thirsty from all the salt and come
out of the skin, traveling upwards to find the water you have hung above
your head.

5. As soon as each hair has appeared to sufficient length, quickly tie a
knot in it to prevent it from going back into your head when you get up.

hUMOR For Dec 5th

Volkswagen Beetle and the Rolls Royce

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen.

======================= (It's ok... The joke is CLEAN.)
======================

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"

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"Cat Musings"
I think this is pretty much how cats think in their heads - you can tell by the way that they look at you and make you feel like a commoner.
To go outside, and there perchance to stayOr to remain within: that is the question:Whether 'tis better for a cat to sufferThe cuffs and buffets of inclement weatherThat Nature rains on those who roam abroad,Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,And so by dozing melt the solid hoursThat clog the clock's bright gears with sullen timeAnd stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stareOutdoors, and by a stare to seem to stateA wish to venture forth without delay,Then when the portal's opened up, to standAs if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;To choose not knowing when we may once moreOur readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,And going out and coming in were madeAs simple as the breaking of a bowl,What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,The trampled tail, and all the daily shocksThat fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,He might his exodus or entrance makeWith a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,But that the dread of our unheeded criesAnd scratches at a barricaded doorNo claw can open up, dispels our nerveAnd makes us rather bear our humans' faultsThan run away to unguessed miseries?Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;And thus the bristling hair of resolutionIs softened up with the pale brush of thought,And since our choices hinge on weighty things,We pause upon the threshold of decision.
(Shakespaw) (Author Unknown)

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Bathroom ExasperationAs the lone female in our house, Shar found that certain male habits have really begun to get on her nerves. One day, she emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when Shar’s friend bumped into her husband Dan."What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" Shar raged."I know," Shar’s friend said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier."

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"According to a study, they found common words used by
happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also
found common words used by other people to describe happy
people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno

***

"Students were invited to city hall to pitch ways to make
dangerous intersections safer for pedestrians. Meanwhile,
city government continues to ignore my most-effective idea
to safeguard pedestrians--Nerf cars." --Jimmy Fallon

***

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud,
but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without
doing any productive work or contributing anything to society,
my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" --Dave Barry

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My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having a
old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you
never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you
get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds.
Please promise me you'll try to work on that."

The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what
was that you were saying?"

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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what hours
the call center was open.

I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week".

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh... Pacific."

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The Portrait

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University
of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his
asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class
assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and
submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the
grade was so poor.

The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting
were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The
shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the
professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus,"
he said.

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Perfect Wife
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed... But the law allows only one wife...

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The Broken Doll
Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break. "What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor. "My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed. "How did he break it, Emily?" "I hit him over the head with it."

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Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

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hUMOR For Dec 4th

"Buffet" is a French term. It means, "Get up and get it yourself" - Greg Ray

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Employment Application

While filling out an employment application, a man paused
over this question: "Person to notify in case of an
accident."

Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."

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Miracle CureDoctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis. had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and amazingly emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."

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"On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that
all men are created jerks." --H. Allen Smith

***

"This has all the earmarks of an eyesore." --James McSheehy,
member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, commenting
on a construction project he opposed.

***

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey

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No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our
daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle,
I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a
little helmet.

The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-
checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of
the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my
leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in
the chin.

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Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts.
The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several
single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like
who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my
teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some
of my teeth were chipped.

"It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said.

"No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said
I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"

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Alex
Knock KnockWho's there!Alex!Alex who?Alex Plain later! Knock KnockWho's there!Alex!Alex who?Alex the questions round here!

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Lawyers & Charity
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

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Wanna Play House?
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Vernie, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate." He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

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Physical Problems
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"

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My son arrived back in the States after fighting with the First Marine
Division in Iraq, but I still couldn't help reacting like a
mom when I saw him running over to some buddies to return a bayonet.

"Kevin," I shouted across the base before could stop myself, "don't run with
that knife in your hands!"

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Health Questions and Answers

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable slop.

Q: Is Soda Pop bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all
know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that soda pop is not an animal,
and it is not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one
thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a cold cola and enjoy your liquid
vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this discussion has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
Now, go eat some lard and be healthy.

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If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

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CleanQuote
"Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses."
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"Oneness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning.
After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"

hUMOR For Dec 3rd

Rice Preference
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."

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Yogurt
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

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Algebraic Answering Machine Message
Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks) 10Q You're welcome!

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In a department store, Sandra and a patient clerk were having a hard time
getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable. Finally, Sandra
said in annoyance, "Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"

"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you coming and left."

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Signs That An Athlete Is Using A Banned Substance:

Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker,
although he's on the chess team.

Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.

Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's
French Open.

Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.

Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds in
the 100-meter freestyle.

His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."

Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.

Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.

Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.

Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.

According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.

Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."

Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to "Old Man River."

Forget Nike and Reebok-he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.

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I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

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The commander of the C-141 was in a hurry to fly out of the U.S. air base in Thule, Greenland. But everything was working against him. The truck to pump the sewage from the plane was late, and then the airman pumping out the tank was taking his time. The commander berated the lowly airman, threatening to have him punished. Turning to the officer, the airman said, "I have no stripes, it's 40 degrees below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I'm pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just how do you plan on punishing me?" -- James Stilwell

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Sitting at a stoplight, I was puzzling over the meaning of the vanity plate on the car in front of me. It read "Innie." Then I got it. The make of the car was Audi. -- Kathy Johnson

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While waiting in line for the Tilt-A-Whirl, I overheard my two nephews arguing. "Aunt Staci's going with me!" insisted Yoni."No," said his brother, "she's going with me!"Flattered at being so popular, I promised Yoni, "You and I can go on the merry-go-round.""But I want you on this ride," he protested. "Why?" "Because the more weight, the faster it goes." -- Staci Margulis, Chicago, Ill.

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The DVD player had conked out and we weren't able to watch the movie we'd rented. Then my husband had a brilliant idea: "Why don't we use the PlayStation?" We pushed all the buttons, but couldn't get it to work, so we gave up and went upstairs. We were reading in bed when our 17-year-old son appeared in our doorway."Someone left a DVD in my PlayStation," he said."We were trying to watch a movie on it," my husband admitted, "but we couldn't get past the parental control screen." "What a shame," our son said as he smiled and closed the door. -- Connie Ames

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"The day after Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of
the year. I went out. It was aggressive. I got pushed, I
got shoved, I got groped. Heck I'm going back tomorrow!"
--Dave Letterman

***

"Are you like me and on Thanksgiving you really didn't give
thanks until the relatives went home?" --Jay Leno

***

"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a
game of charades." -Demetri Martin

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Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner
had to call an electrician, a roofer and a carpenter. One
afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's
truck in the driveway.

"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be
having an affair."

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Q. What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered
a martini?

A. Olive or twist?

I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for
beetles?" I asked the clerk.

"No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."

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Misheard Christmas Lyrics
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: - Olive, the other reindeer. - Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say - Sleep in heavenly peas - In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown - You'll go down in listerine - Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay - Come, froggy faithful - You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require" \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
A Nice Boy?
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

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Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."

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hUMOR For Dec 2nd

Tech Support
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine,which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

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Generation to Generation
"Mummy, Mummy!" called Little Johnny one day. "Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?" "Yes", said his mother. "What about it?" "Well the last generation just dropped it."

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Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke
the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to
get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.

Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk
mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife.
Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his
embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of
popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and
said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"

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Last summer my wife and I met a couple at a restaurant. After lunch, the
women decided to go shopping, and I invited the man to go sailing. While we
were out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and we were
down wind trying to work our way back through a narrow channel. At one point
the boat grounded and we had to climb overboard and shove with all our might
to get it back in deeper water.

As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair
wildly, rain streaming down his face, he grinned at me, and with
unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping."

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When my doctor finished with his exam I said, "This may hurt a little, Doc.
I don't have any money."

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As the result of an explosive argument with our mother, my little brother pasted a sign reading "I hate Mom" on the door to his room, and slammed it shut. My dad, a school psychologist, came home after work to this tense standoff. "I'll take care of it," he confidently told Mom, and went into my brother's room. Minutes later, Dad came out. "He doesn't hate you anymore," he reassured her. Sure enough, my brother had crossed out "Mom" on his sign. It now read "I hate Dad." -- Michele Pecoraro

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My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school -- the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm -- I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can wear the suit he graduated in." She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me. "You're the only one who has to." -- George Crenshaw

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Sitting in his cab waiting for a fare, my friend's husband, William, watched as a torrential downpour left lake-size puddles just off the curb of the busy street. Then the back door opened and a customer got in. As William asked the destination, the would-be passenger exited through the other door, successfully avoiding the puddles. "Thanks," she said. "Chivalry isn't dead after all." -- Robert Gardinier

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Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. "You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday," he said. "I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years." -- Mary Farthing

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While getting dressed one morning, I decided I'd been spending too much time on my computer: I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was. -- Darlene Jacobs

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When I went to a Christian school, I walked into the cafeteria and there on the table was a plate of fruit. Next to it was a sign that said "Take one. God is watching."

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The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help. "I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said."Which one?" she asked. He scanned the shelves and answered, "William." -- Sandra J. Yarbrough

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After leaving the regulated life of the Navy, an old friend of mine, a retired officer, took a civilian job but had trouble getting to work on time. Finally his boss asked, "What would they have said to you in your previous job about being late?"
My friend answered him, "Good morning, Admiral."
-- Salvador Sepulveda, Jr.
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At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were named Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school. "Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked. "She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company and I'm just keeping her home." -- Merri Lee Colvin

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Working on a computer all day has definitely messed with my girlfriend's view of reality. We had just placed our lunch order, and as our waitress walked away, she slipped in a wet spot on the floor.
"How about that?" Amy observed dryly. "Our server is down."
-- Joseph Lassegard
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A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners. "Pretty," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"
"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"
Jerry smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this long by answering questions like that?"
-- Francis Calverase, St. Thomas, Pennsylvania

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The DVD player had conked out and we weren't able to watch the movie we'd rented. Then my husband had a brilliant idea: "Why don't we use the PlayStation?" We pushed all the buttons, but couldn't get it to work, so we gave up and went upstairs. We were reading in bed when our 17-year-old son appeared in our doorway."Someone left a DVD in my PlayStation," he said."We were trying to watch a movie on it," my husband admitted, "but we couldn't get past the parental control screen."

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Dog Care
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?" The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"

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hUMOR For Dec 1st

Tickets
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

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Thanksgiving PrayerMy family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!).

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A Texas millionaire
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired. A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you." "Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire. "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"

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Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again." The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

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Montana Dumb Laws
- It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail. - It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. - Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. - In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all. - It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime. - Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits. - Helena: No item may be thrown across a street. - Helena: A woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. - Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground. - Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

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Could Noah build his ark today?
If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this: And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. "First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. "The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. "When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. "Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. "Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. "The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'. "And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. "I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

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College Students and Thanksgiving

The Top Ten Reasons College Students Are Looking Forward to
Thanksgiving Break and Going Home for the Holidays:

10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than
a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and
stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to
the bathroom will not be delayed by having to run down a
long hallway, only to find you must wait in line.

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car,
bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell ... okay, even if it is for
only four days.

5. To eat your meals, the only trek you'll have to make is
from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the
dining hall in below freezing weather.

4. Instead of listening to "When I first started teaching
here..." you can be entertained by "When your mother was
your age..." and "During the Depression we weren't lucky
enough to have Brussels sprouts. Heck, all we could afford
was the sprout!"

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than
popped in your microwave.

2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

And, the number one reason college students are looking
forward to Thanksgiving...

1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

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If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are likely
to be ahead of you. But then, you should consider your track record.

hUMOR For Nov 30th

School Best Sellers
Walking To School The First Day Back - by Misty Bus The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me - by I. Rhoda Bike Can't See The Chalkboard - by Sidney Backrow Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School - by Major Crackupp What I Dislike About Returning To School - by Mona Lott Making It Through The First Week Of School - by Gladys Saturday Is Life Over When Summer Ends? - by Midas Welbee What I Love About Returning To School - by I.M. Kidding Will Jimmy Finally Graduate? - by I. Betty Wont What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School - by U. Will Gettitt

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A Thanksgiving Funny

In a few days, all America will be celebrating the holiday
of Thanksgiving, or as it is known outside the United
States, "Thursday."

Families separated for months or years will reunite, and
shortly afterwards they will remember why they separated. In
a darkened gymnasium, Richard Simmons will run his revenue
projections and consider buying a small Caribbean island.
Throughout the nation, those wretched souls condemned to the
public school system will breathe a bit easier, eager in
their anticipation of four days surcease from education.
(The students are pretty happy about it, too.)

Yet running through this gaiety is an undercurrent of
bewilderment. In this decadent age we live in, far too many
of our unlettered countrymen think Plymouth Rock a music
style from the '70s, or the Mayflower a potpourri
ingredient. Accordingly, in the best traditions of
journalistic public service and overweening arrogance, my
column this frosty morn shall be dedicated to answering your
questions about Thanksgiving.

Q. Gosh, you're right. I, the average reader, am dumb as a
post. What exactly are the origins of Thanksgiving?

A. Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers
and farmers to allow them to sell huge quantities of
disgusting "traditional" foods that no one in his right mind
would eat otherwise, such as squash. The average squash is a
triumph of minimalism wherein Nature manages to convert mud
into a plant without bothering to change its taste and
texture. Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of squash
by the addition of delicate seasonings and spices have
produced dishes that taste, at best, like delicately
seasoned and spiced mud. A master chef, faced with the
necessity of making a palatable squash dish, would throw in
his funny hat and become a short-order cook at Denny's.

Q. That's quite a conspiracy theory. Where do the Black
Helicopters fit in?

A. They transport the squash.

Q. I should have guessed. But seriously, what are the
origins of Thanksgiving?

A. The first Thanksgiving was a celebration of gratitude by
a group of early English settlers known as the Pilgrims. The
Pilgrims were Separatists who had come to the New World to
practice their religion without government interference, and
since the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms did not
exist at the time, they were allowed to do so.

Unfortunately, the Pilgrims neglected to acquire a few
skills (such as elementary agronomy) before setting off on
their voyage, and as a result they nearly starved. The local
Indians, who at the time were practicing their ancient
sustenance methods of hunting and fishing, took pity on the
Pilgrims and taught them to farm the native flora. In a
display of appreciation, when the first harvest was taken
in, the Pilgrims held a huge feast and invited the Indians
over for dinner, after which they all fell asleep on couches
while watching football.

Q. OK, but when did Thanksgiving become a national holiday?

A. Thanksgiving Day was adopted as an annual holiday by New
York State in 1817, marking the first official celebration
of Thanksgiving as a regular event, and the last time a New
Yorker said "thank you" for anything. In 1863, President
Lincoln appointed a national day of thanksgiving, and every
subsequent president has followed suit.

Q. Speaking of turkeys, is it true that Ben Franklin thought
the turkey should have been our national bird instead of the
eagle?

A. Ben Franklin was indeed a proponent of the turkey as our
national bird. Since he was a member of the Hellfire Club at
the time, though, his motives were somewhat suspect.

It must be kept in mind that the modern domestic turkey
bears little resemblance to its feral ancestors. The wild
turkey is a cunning and elusive survivor, a challenging
quarry for the most skilled of hunters. Farm turkeys, on the
other hand, have been selectively inbred for generations in
an attempt to improve flavor and increase breast meat
production. These efforts have had numerous side effects on
the birds in question, including reduced intelligence,
difficulty in maintaining balance, and the creation of the
Spice Girls.

Q. Is there a final message you would like to give to your
readers on this Thanksgiving Day?

A. Enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner. You can have my squash.

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"You never see a fish on the wall with its mouth shut." - Sally Berger

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"According to the energy department, high gas prices may
be around for the next six months. After that they'll be
followed by really high gas prices." --Jay Leno

***

"New York City now has a major rat problem. You have no
idea how big these rats are until you go to Central Park
and take a ride in one of our rat drawn carriages."
--Dave Letterman

***

"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but
when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my
balance she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown

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A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong
number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of
Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a
wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as
I want to get."

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Drum ProblemThere was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"

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Batman
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorothy. While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place. She laughed and said "It is, too. It's where Batman lives". I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you think there have been four of them: Bale, Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?" She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's because he doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."

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Steroids
Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is first time in baseball history that the players have more additives in them than the hot dogs.

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Tickets
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

hUMOR For Nov 29th

Mommy's Resolutions
- When I'm tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I'd rather read." - I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that doesn't revolve around labor pains or children's toilet habits. I will feel comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather. - I will be more flexible about children's nutritional requirements by counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables. - When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust bunny. - I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You'd better listen because I will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken. I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times. - When my kids are older (at least 50), I will explain why they never have any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags. - I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days.

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Apprehension
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

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Before You Meet With God
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply.

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Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

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"I just got some horrible news. My new coworker is S.O.B. positive." - Jim
Rosenberg

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Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:

"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:

"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."

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A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a
woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.

The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was
calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.

Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."

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"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind
souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." - Dave
Letterman

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"It takes time to raise about 25 children. I know, I have
two myself. That's plenty. Mine are twins, though. Both of
them. They're awfully cute. I can't think of their names.
They don't come when I call them anyway." --Victor Borge

***

After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting
around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer
stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down
his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give
this stupid game up!"

***

"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,
'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the
groom." -David Gunter

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Did you hear the new California quarter's reverse side
features a bear, a miner, a condor, a redwood, and poppies?
The engraving depicts the bear observing the miner as he
cooks the condor over a redwood fire he made after smoking
a distillate of the poppies.

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We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat
as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as
the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center
of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse
me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops,
excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her
and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have
done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud
whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just
flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

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Recent Quips from Late Night
All of the late-night shows are in reruns while the joke writers are on strike. Until the strike is over, our weekly "Recent Quips from Late Night" feature will be on hiatus

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A Dog at the Movies
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?" "Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

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Life Changing Thoughts
* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. * If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos.....then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. * Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. * Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. * Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

hUMOR For Nov. 28th

Broom
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

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Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that
came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower."

Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free
peanuts?"

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When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make
their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I
wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it
to prospective buyers.

I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly
made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.

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The next time a salesman tells you that something costs roughly $1100, ask
him how much is it when he smoothes it out.

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AMUSING QUOTE

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day."

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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

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Thanksgiving in the UK

A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were
discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The
American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it
on the 6th of September."

"Why then?"

"That's when you chaps left."

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When Vern Allen worked at Safeway Grocery Store a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The Vern replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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"Excuse for Republicans driving sports cars that cost more
than their fathers ever made in a year: It's cheaper than
marrying a woman half my age." -P.J. O'Rourke

***

"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was.
Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and
wierd. It'll happen to YOU." -Abe Simpson, The Simpsons

***

"In the past, your dumbness has gotten in the way of a few
things that I really wanted to do: The book club. Theater.
Having conversations." -Patricia Heaton

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Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions"
that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age,
people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of
their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing
you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say
to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

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Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time,
but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.

Then she went to visit her Mother for two weeks, and when
she returned, she was overjoyed to find that her husband had
surprised her by installing beautiful new cabinets.

A few days later a neighbor came over to visit and after
admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us
were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were
gone was confined to the kitchen."

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35 Years
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

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The Lord's Prayer
A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

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Fractured Christmas Carols
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: - Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly - We three kings of porridge and tar - On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me - Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire. - He's makin' a list, chicken and rice. - Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel. - With the jelly toast proclaim

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How to deal with telemarketers
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. - If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." - If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. - Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. - Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. - If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" - After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. - Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.