Pun Contest
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Diet WorkshopEveryone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
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"Dad's are born without the sympathy gene. You can break your
leg, hobble into your house, and all your dad will do is look
over the paper and grumble, 'Shake it off!'" --Robert G. Lee
***
"My mom used to tell me not to eat so fast because it wasn't
good for me. So I put a strobe light over the table."
--Nick Arnette
***
"When it came to spankings, my dad never used a belt. One
time he grabbed a piece of my Hot Wheels race car track. In
my mind I'm thinking, 'Great, now I'm being beaten with my
own toys...' Thank God I didn't get that wood burning set I
wanted." --Scott Wood
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Because an increasing number of people are having heart
attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are
now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are
computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock
needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're
at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across
the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
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I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year
at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening
a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought
I was serious).
Her and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said
I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison
dishes. I was going to call it, "The Buck Stops Here," and
my slogan was going to be, "Bambi: You've seen the movie.
Now, eat the star!"
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The Verge
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?" Another child said, "The Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."
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Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. 9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall. 8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis. 7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet. 6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July. 5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!" 4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else. 3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department. 2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt. 1. You're sweatin' gravy.
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Judge's Announcement
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. "The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. "In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
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Hunting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies," he responded. "Oh!, Killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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How To Get That Fabulous Job
Arrive fashionably late.
Greet the interviewer as casually as you would your friends, like "Wass up?"
Bring a relative or pet with you.
If it's summer time, wear very little clothing so you can stay cool.
Also, wear bright, flashy colors, lots of jewelry, and extra cologne or
perfume to keep the mosquitoes away.
Play it cool by showing no enthusiasm for the job.
Or act desperate, like you'll take any job.
Ask about pay, vacation, coffee breaks and other things the company can do
for you, right off the bat.
Brag about how many interviews and job offers you have lined up.
Always interrupt the interview to take cell-phone calls from your bookie or
pimp.
Shuffle through important papers, work samples and such so you look
important.
Eating, drinking, or smoking is a great "icebreaker!" Don't forget to share.
Occasionally, fidget or squirm to stay awake.
Tell the interviewer you intend to go after his or her job.
Knowing little to nothing about the company or job description will give you
extra things to talk about, so play dumb.
Ask for a salary upfront.
Make statements or ask questions that reveal negative, underlying
implications, such as, "What happens if I'm late a lot?"
Criticize a former employer, coworker or boss to show them you're tough.
Stop the interview early, to make it to another on time. This shows them you
are a "hot" prospect.
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Official Mom Restraining Order
1. When at mall, Mom will remain no fewer than ten feet from teen at all
times.
2. When at movie theater, Mom will not sit closer than four seats in any
direction from teen.
3. Mom will not emerge from house nor appear at window when school bus is
arriving.
4. If Mom accompanies teen and friend(s) to restaurant, Mom must sit at
separate table.
5. On the off-chance that Mom is in the school building at the same time as
teen, she must not in any way acknowledge existence of teen.
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"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." - Kin Hubbard
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A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs." Picture this:All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tri ed to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!True story... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR. A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 18th
Those who don't know
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Actual Medical Chart Notes
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. - The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. - The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. - Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. - Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. - The patient refused autopsy. - The patient has no previous history of suicides. - Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. - Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days. - Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. - She is numb from her toes down. - While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Math
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
+++++++++++++++++++
Blood Race
The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood. After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well. As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel. Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Basement Pitch"
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes."- Mel Brooks
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Integrity" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was playing in a golf tournament with a longtime Big Ten basketball official who just retired.He was recollecting the first time he refereed in Bloomington, IN at Indiana University. As he told it .............
“I was very nervous. It was my first time in Bloomington and my first time refereeing a game with Bobby Knight. I was very nervous and was trying so hard to make every call right and equitable.“At the start of the second half, Indiana’s #23 positioned himself right next to me as we started play. I felt crowded so gave myself some extra room, but he stayed right with me! This went on for over 5 minutes…#23 closer to me than any opponentI couldn't seem to shake him.“At the under 16-minute time out, I approached the Indiana bench and said, ‘Coach Knight, I couldn't help but notice that #23 stays very close to me - it’s like he’s guarding me!"“Coach Knight looked at me and said, ‘Son, at half time I told that player to guard the man who was giving us the most trouble......................AND THAT’S YOU!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
+++++++++++++++++++
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a
woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was
calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
+++++++++++++++++++
"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind
souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." - Dave
Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
First Prize
A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Actual Medical Chart Notes
- The skin was moist and dry. - Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. - Patient was alert and unresponsive. - She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. - Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. - I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. - The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. - The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. - Skin: somewhat pale but present. - The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. - Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. - Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. - She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night. - Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
+++++++++++++++++++
No leak
That's not a leak, my car's just marking its territory!
+++++++++++++++++++
Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?” After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!” At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Actual Medical Chart Notes
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. - The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. - The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. - Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. - Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. - The patient refused autopsy. - The patient has no previous history of suicides. - Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. - Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days. - Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. - She is numb from her toes down. - While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Math
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
+++++++++++++++++++
Blood Race
The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood. After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well. As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel. Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Basement Pitch"
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes."- Mel Brooks
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Integrity" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was playing in a golf tournament with a longtime Big Ten basketball official who just retired.He was recollecting the first time he refereed in Bloomington, IN at Indiana University. As he told it .............
“I was very nervous. It was my first time in Bloomington and my first time refereeing a game with Bobby Knight. I was very nervous and was trying so hard to make every call right and equitable.“At the start of the second half, Indiana’s #23 positioned himself right next to me as we started play. I felt crowded so gave myself some extra room, but he stayed right with me! This went on for over 5 minutes…#23 closer to me than any opponentI couldn't seem to shake him.“At the under 16-minute time out, I approached the Indiana bench and said, ‘Coach Knight, I couldn't help but notice that #23 stays very close to me - it’s like he’s guarding me!"“Coach Knight looked at me and said, ‘Son, at half time I told that player to guard the man who was giving us the most trouble......................AND THAT’S YOU!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
+++++++++++++++++++
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a
woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was
calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
+++++++++++++++++++
"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind
souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." - Dave
Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
First Prize
A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Actual Medical Chart Notes
- The skin was moist and dry. - Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. - Patient was alert and unresponsive. - She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. - Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. - I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. - The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. - The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. - Skin: somewhat pale but present. - The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. - Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. - Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. - She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night. - Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
+++++++++++++++++++
No leak
That's not a leak, my car's just marking its territory!
+++++++++++++++++++
Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?” After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!” At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”
Saturday, November 17, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 17th
Insurance Salesman"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." Nothing else."We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?""I could not swim," my cousin replied.He got the job.
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Human KindnessThis will warm even the coldest heart...
[This letter was sent to the principal's office after his Florida middle school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you...]Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and l live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna
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Human KindnessThis will warm even the coldest heart...
[This letter was sent to the principal's office after his Florida middle school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you...]Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and l live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna
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Scottish WaterScotsman lending a helping hand to a Brit?Don't mess with the Scots...
A man was walking through the hills and dales of Scotland.He stopped for a drink at a mountain stream.An old shepherd shouted to him, “Dinna take a draught oot o the riffle, laddie; 'tis poorly wi' the dregs o ma cattle.” (Translation: don't drink the water, sir; it's full of cow dung)The man said, “I'll have you know I'm English. Please address me with the English language, you heathen.”The shepherd replied, “I said use both hands. You will be able to get more in your mouth.”
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How To Feel BetterStart each day off with a positive outlook...
1. Open a new file in your computer.2. Name it “Hillary Rodham Clinton”.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Click on “Empty the Recycle Bin”.5. Your PC will ask you, “Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?”6. Firmly Click, “Yes.”7. Feel better.PS - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi...
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Outhouse DisposalUp a creek without a paddle?
Little Vernie lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and Little Vernie hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Vernie determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Little Vernie decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, Little Vernie asked why.The dad replied, Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?Little Vernie answered yes.Then he thought a moment and said, Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.His dad replied, Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree.
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The Grocery Bag Law
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
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Wedding Ceremony
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
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I want to become a lawyer ...
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?” “It's $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?” “That's my business! Get me the course!” Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?” In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer..."
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Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
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Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped
electric
wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a Vern was trying to be a good citizan, he
guarded a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of
a downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of
this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from
the main electric circuit, as he entered his car for his return to
warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to
protect the public.
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the
wires, then, laughing, descended toward me."Mr. Allen," one of them
said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all
night."
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My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says, "You weren't home last
night. Is something going on?"
I say, "Yeah, Mom. I'm cheating on you with another mother."
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Human KindnessThis will warm even the coldest heart...
[This letter was sent to the principal's office after his Florida middle school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you...]Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and l live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna
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Human KindnessThis will warm even the coldest heart...
[This letter was sent to the principal's office after his Florida middle school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you...]Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and l live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna
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Scottish WaterScotsman lending a helping hand to a Brit?Don't mess with the Scots...
A man was walking through the hills and dales of Scotland.He stopped for a drink at a mountain stream.An old shepherd shouted to him, “Dinna take a draught oot o the riffle, laddie; 'tis poorly wi' the dregs o ma cattle.” (Translation: don't drink the water, sir; it's full of cow dung)The man said, “I'll have you know I'm English. Please address me with the English language, you heathen.”The shepherd replied, “I said use both hands. You will be able to get more in your mouth.”
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How To Feel BetterStart each day off with a positive outlook...
1. Open a new file in your computer.2. Name it “Hillary Rodham Clinton”.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Click on “Empty the Recycle Bin”.5. Your PC will ask you, “Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?”6. Firmly Click, “Yes.”7. Feel better.PS - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi...
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Outhouse DisposalUp a creek without a paddle?
Little Vernie lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and Little Vernie hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Vernie determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Little Vernie decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, Little Vernie asked why.The dad replied, Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?Little Vernie answered yes.Then he thought a moment and said, Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.His dad replied, Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree.
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The Grocery Bag Law
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
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Wedding Ceremony
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
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I want to become a lawyer ...
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?” “It's $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?” “That's my business! Get me the course!” Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?” In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer..."
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Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped
electric
wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a Vern was trying to be a good citizan, he
guarded a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of
a downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of
this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from
the main electric circuit, as he entered his car for his return to
warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to
protect the public.
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the
wires, then, laughing, descended toward me."Mr. Allen," one of them
said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all
night."
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My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says, "You weren't home last
night. Is something going on?"
I say, "Yeah, Mom. I'm cheating on you with another mother."
Friday, November 16, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 16th
An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the
consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a
piece of paper and a pen. Although a strange request, he complied, and the
man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the
doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left.
The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical
complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor
didn't hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room,
the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. Its contents were thus:
"Your fly is undone."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is
getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says
"Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"
The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"
Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I might could defend myself."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
It's not a bug. It's just an undocumented feature.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Little girl
Knock Knock! Who's there?A little girl.A little girl who?A little girl who can't reach the doorbell!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Reasons to leave work
1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances. 2. Came dressed in only a towel...again. 3. Ran out of paper clips. 4. I've decided to telecommute. 5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House. 6. It's a long drive home to Texas. 7. One-day sale at Macy's. 8. My brain is melting! 9. I think they found me out... 10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.
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Memory trick
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Ploughing at Night
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Volunteer FirefighterSitting at the kitchen table after dinner one night, my son-in-law was telling us that he'd finished his training for volunteer firefighting and was showing us his beeper. As he spoke, the beeper let out a shrill "there's a fire" message. Bryan nearly jumped over the table getting to the door. We watched him as he raced for the car and sped up the block to the fire hall."It's wonderful to know our firemen are trained to respond instantly," I said to my daughter. "I didn't know Bryan could move so fast.""I hate to burst your bubble, Mom," she replied, "but the first guy there gets to drive the truck."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's
what he descends to that shames the human race." -Mark Twain
***
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
-Steven Wright
***
"Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves
to get it." -Don Herold
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
On the phone with a golf buddy who has asked him to play, a
guy says: "I am the master of my home and can play golf
whenever I want. But hold on a minute while I find out if I
want to."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A bagel left unattended in a microwave, set off the fire
alarm. The microwave, charred and smoking, was carried
outside and placed on the sidewalk.
A fireman walked up and said, "Is this the object that
started the fire?"
One of the employees said, "No. When we take a break, it
takes a break."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How to Detect a Mental Deficiency
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
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Wife wanted
A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Kenny's Law of Auto Repair
The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Made You Think
- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. - For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. - I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. - I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. - I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the
room." - Winston Churchill
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Bathroom Scales
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand
on it and it makes you mad."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN.
consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a
piece of paper and a pen. Although a strange request, he complied, and the
man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the
doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left.
The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical
complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor
didn't hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room,
the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. Its contents were thus:
"Your fly is undone."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is
getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says
"Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"
The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"
Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I might could defend myself."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
It's not a bug. It's just an undocumented feature.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Little girl
Knock Knock! Who's there?A little girl.A little girl who?A little girl who can't reach the doorbell!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Reasons to leave work
1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances. 2. Came dressed in only a towel...again. 3. Ran out of paper clips. 4. I've decided to telecommute. 5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House. 6. It's a long drive home to Texas. 7. One-day sale at Macy's. 8. My brain is melting! 9. I think they found me out... 10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Memory trick
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ploughing at Night
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Volunteer FirefighterSitting at the kitchen table after dinner one night, my son-in-law was telling us that he'd finished his training for volunteer firefighting and was showing us his beeper. As he spoke, the beeper let out a shrill "there's a fire" message. Bryan nearly jumped over the table getting to the door. We watched him as he raced for the car and sped up the block to the fire hall."It's wonderful to know our firemen are trained to respond instantly," I said to my daughter. "I didn't know Bryan could move so fast.""I hate to burst your bubble, Mom," she replied, "but the first guy there gets to drive the truck."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's
what he descends to that shames the human race." -Mark Twain
***
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
-Steven Wright
***
"Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves
to get it." -Don Herold
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
On the phone with a golf buddy who has asked him to play, a
guy says: "I am the master of my home and can play golf
whenever I want. But hold on a minute while I find out if I
want to."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A bagel left unattended in a microwave, set off the fire
alarm. The microwave, charred and smoking, was carried
outside and placed on the sidewalk.
A fireman walked up and said, "Is this the object that
started the fire?"
One of the employees said, "No. When we take a break, it
takes a break."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How to Detect a Mental Deficiency
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Wife wanted
A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Kenny's Law of Auto Repair
The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Made You Think
- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. - For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. - I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. - I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. - I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the
room." - Winston Churchill
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Bathroom Scales
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand
on it and it makes you mad."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 15th
Inseperable
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very generous, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Golf Ransom” Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again." But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?" "Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Charity Auction" The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body. Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's comments: "Please note - the radio does not work." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "In a recent interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger said cannabis is not a drug. Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, 'Cannibals need a hug.'" -Conan O'Brien *** "According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by the year 2052. 2052 - Social Security broke. Once again, I don't think President Bush understands this issue. He said, '2052, that's okay. By then all our old people will already be dead anyway.'" -Jay Leno *** "Hillary Clinton fainted during a speech. She's fine but what I don't understand is why Bill Clinton was giving mouth-to- mouth to her assistant." -Craig Ferguson ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< [Okay, it's an old one, but I challenge anyone to honestly tell me this joke isn't hilarious.] A Scotsman paying his first visit to the zoo stopped by one of the cages. "An whut animal would that be?" he asked the keeper. "That's a moose from Canada," came the reply. "A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man - they must ha' rrrats like elephants ower there!" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
You Might Be Floridian if...
"Down South" means Key West.
"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.
You think no one over 70 should be allowed to drive.
Flip-flops are everyday wear.
Shoes are for business meetings and church.
No, wait -- flip-flops are good for church, too, unless it's
Easter or Christmas.
Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or
cruise to Florida.
You measure distance in minutes.
You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
All the local festivals are named after a fruit.
A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer,
not summer but really hot, and Christmas.
It's not soda, cola, or pop -- it's coke, regardless of
brand or flavor: "What kinda coke you want?"
Anything under 95 is just warm.
You've hosted a hurricane party.
You go to a theme park for an afternoon and know when to get
on the best rides.
You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.
You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, and Withlacoochee.
You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat
than have a boat yourself.
Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include:
various fish, NRA, and a confederate flag.
You were eight years old before you realized they made
houses without pools.
You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
You get angry when people say, "Florida isn't really part of
the SOUTH."
You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
You know what the "stingray shuffle" is and why it's
important!
You recognize Miami-Dade as "Northern Cuba." The south ends
in the Ocala/Gainesville area, and then North Cuba begins.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very generous, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Golf Ransom” Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again." But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?" "Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Charity Auction" The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body. Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's comments: "Please note - the radio does not work." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "In a recent interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger said cannabis is not a drug. Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, 'Cannibals need a hug.'" -Conan O'Brien *** "According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by the year 2052. 2052 - Social Security broke. Once again, I don't think President Bush understands this issue. He said, '2052, that's okay. By then all our old people will already be dead anyway.'" -Jay Leno *** "Hillary Clinton fainted during a speech. She's fine but what I don't understand is why Bill Clinton was giving mouth-to- mouth to her assistant." -Craig Ferguson ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< [Okay, it's an old one, but I challenge anyone to honestly tell me this joke isn't hilarious.] A Scotsman paying his first visit to the zoo stopped by one of the cages. "An whut animal would that be?" he asked the keeper. "That's a moose from Canada," came the reply. "A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man - they must ha' rrrats like elephants ower there!" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
You Might Be Floridian if...
"Down South" means Key West.
"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.
You think no one over 70 should be allowed to drive.
Flip-flops are everyday wear.
Shoes are for business meetings and church.
No, wait -- flip-flops are good for church, too, unless it's
Easter or Christmas.
Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or
cruise to Florida.
You measure distance in minutes.
You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
All the local festivals are named after a fruit.
A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer,
not summer but really hot, and Christmas.
It's not soda, cola, or pop -- it's coke, regardless of
brand or flavor: "What kinda coke you want?"
Anything under 95 is just warm.
You've hosted a hurricane party.
You go to a theme park for an afternoon and know when to get
on the best rides.
You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.
You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, and Withlacoochee.
You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat
than have a boat yourself.
Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include:
various fish, NRA, and a confederate flag.
You were eight years old before you realized they made
houses without pools.
You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
You get angry when people say, "Florida isn't really part of
the SOUTH."
You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
You know what the "stingray shuffle" is and why it's
important!
You recognize Miami-Dade as "Northern Cuba." The south ends
in the Ocala/Gainesville area, and then North Cuba begins.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 14th
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More Good Advice From Kids
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11 "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9 "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11 "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -Naomi, age 15 "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -Lauren, age 9 "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10 "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13 "Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
In this crazy world we live in, every 60 seconds a minute happens.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Following Person
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office." "I wonder why," the teacher mused. "Because he's a following person," Alice replied. "A what?" the teacher asked. "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Bigamy
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Dad, can you write in the dark?
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?" His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?" Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Inspiring Music
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Better Preaching"
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."
"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.
"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanQuote
"Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can't tell you where their children are tonight."- Lawrence Brotherton
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Illustration - "Red Tape" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Little Known IllnessesAFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of 70's hair styles.DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Joggers
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still
far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next
city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an
hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place
he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging
routes.
No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a
knocking on his window.
He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again
and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other
joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time
before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a
sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off
when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir? It's 8:45."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Physics Professor
A physics professor at a state university in Michigan was famous for his animated lectures. He was short and thin with wild white hair and an excited expression. In lecture he would through himself from the top of desks and throw frisbees to students in the back row to illustrate various principles. One day in class he was spinning on an office chair holding weights in each hand when he lost his balance and tumbled into the first row. He apologized to his class for going off on a tangent.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Pay up!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
What is 2 * 2 ?
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?" The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?" Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it". Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system". Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know?" Medical Student : "I memorized it."
More Good Advice From Kids
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11 "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9 "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11 "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -Naomi, age 15 "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -Lauren, age 9 "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10 "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13 "Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
In this crazy world we live in, every 60 seconds a minute happens.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Following Person
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office." "I wonder why," the teacher mused. "Because he's a following person," Alice replied. "A what?" the teacher asked. "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Bigamy
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Dad, can you write in the dark?
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?" His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?" Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Inspiring Music
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Better Preaching"
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."
"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.
"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanQuote
"Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can't tell you where their children are tonight."- Lawrence Brotherton
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Illustration - "Red Tape" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Little Known IllnessesAFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of 70's hair styles.DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Joggers
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still
far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next
city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an
hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place
he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging
routes.
No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a
knocking on his window.
He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again
and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other
joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time
before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a
sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off
when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir? It's 8:45."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Physics Professor
A physics professor at a state university in Michigan was famous for his animated lectures. He was short and thin with wild white hair and an excited expression. In lecture he would through himself from the top of desks and throw frisbees to students in the back row to illustrate various principles. One day in class he was spinning on an office chair holding weights in each hand when he lost his balance and tumbled into the first row. He apologized to his class for going off on a tangent.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Pay up!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
What is 2 * 2 ?
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?" The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?" Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it". Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system". Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know?" Medical Student : "I memorized it."
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 13th
Recent Quips from Late Night
"FEMA is handling another disaster -- its own Public Relations department. ... This is unbelievable to me! FEMA has apologized for staging a fake news conference on the California wildfires. ... They had a fake news conference in which FEMA employees pretended to be reporters and asked softball questions to their idiot boss, a guy named Harvey Johnson. It was obvious the reporters were FEMA workers because the questions were about the 2003 fire." --Jay Leno "Here's a true story. A buddy of mine from Washington called me. Aides told President Bush that he should congratulate the Red Sox. Poor guy, he's so confused that he went to the top drawer of his dresser." --David Letterman "Earlier today, Argentina's first lady was elected as the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new 'first spouse.' Or, as President Bill Clinton calls him, 'My future wingman.'" --Conan O'Brien "Former Yankee Alex Rodriguez is now a free agent. Some teams say they are willing to spend as much as $150 million to get him. $150 million! That's pretty amazing when you see the White House is only offering $50 million for Osama bin Laden." --Jay Leno "We thought this day would never come, but guess what, ladies and gentlemen, he's at it again. Vice President Dick Cheney is pheasant hunting ... in Upstate New York today. The hunt went pretty well. Dick drove back to the hotel with a hunting buddy tied to his fender." --David Letterman "Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says that he once had an encounter with a UFO. Apparently, several weird looking, little men got off the ship, saw Kucinich, and said, 'It's alright. He's one of us.'" --Conan O'Brien
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
12-mile march
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek. An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. “Men,” our sergeant yelled, “You're doing a FINE job. We've already covered four miles!” Revitalized, we picked up the pace. “And,” continued Sarge, “we should reach the starting point any minute now.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Best Room in the Hotel?The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed."But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel.""I insist on another room!!" said the drunk."Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk."Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"This week, a 90-year-old man in Minnesota became the oldest
person to win a Nobel Prize. Next week, the 90-year-old man
will be the first person to misplace the Nobel Prize."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"If you want to stay healthy... there was this guy in Hong
Kong, 107-year-old guy in Hong Kong. He attributes his
longevity to abstaining from sex since he was 30. Man, I'm
gonna live a long, long time." -Craig Ferguson
***
"According to a new study, eating ice cream increases a
woman's chance of getting pregnant. Actually, eating ice
cream increases a woman's chances of looking pregnant."
-Conan O'Brien
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
During my senior year at university, the wife of one of my
professors gave birth to twins. Now the father of four pre-
schoolers, my professor looked more and more haggard as the
days went by, and his forgetfulness increased.
One day, several weeks after the birth, he arrived in class
late and announced he had some bad news. He couldn't find
the midterm papers we had written weeks before.
"But, sir," said a student, "you gave those midterms back
last class."
"I did?" Our weary professor replied. "Well, how did you do
on them?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night
at around 3 a.m.
Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back
yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful
animal.
For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up
the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic
barking Larry finally snuck around the house through the
alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man
you'd suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence
at the dog.
My husband demanded to know what he was doing.
"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor
explained. "If she gets woken up in the middle of the night
one more time she says she'll leave."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that
said women use more words than men.
It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use
30,000."
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all
along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her
the study results.
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her
husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"
Received from Docs Daily Chuckle.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class casinos are
now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled
to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart
attack victim. That's if you're at a high class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and
touch your finger to the doorknob.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Dictionary for Women
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a
policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but
he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and
hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce,
chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned
everything up, but he "made the dinner."
Blond jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with
a half pound bag of M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to
make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend an hour and a half
writing, then forget to take it with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*ser) n. Someone who is able to create a style that
you will never be able to duplicate. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he
goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 30 hours of contractions;
he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breathe... push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips: color to enhance the beauty of your
mouth. On his collar: coloring only a tramp would wear.
Park (park) v/n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and a slide.
Patience (pa*shens)n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage,
and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinz dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a
candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get
a card.
Waterproof Mascara (Wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower
or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the
trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
rkvkwoq
"FEMA is handling another disaster -- its own Public Relations department. ... This is unbelievable to me! FEMA has apologized for staging a fake news conference on the California wildfires. ... They had a fake news conference in which FEMA employees pretended to be reporters and asked softball questions to their idiot boss, a guy named Harvey Johnson. It was obvious the reporters were FEMA workers because the questions were about the 2003 fire." --Jay Leno "Here's a true story. A buddy of mine from Washington called me. Aides told President Bush that he should congratulate the Red Sox. Poor guy, he's so confused that he went to the top drawer of his dresser." --David Letterman "Earlier today, Argentina's first lady was elected as the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new 'first spouse.' Or, as President Bill Clinton calls him, 'My future wingman.'" --Conan O'Brien "Former Yankee Alex Rodriguez is now a free agent. Some teams say they are willing to spend as much as $150 million to get him. $150 million! That's pretty amazing when you see the White House is only offering $50 million for Osama bin Laden." --Jay Leno "We thought this day would never come, but guess what, ladies and gentlemen, he's at it again. Vice President Dick Cheney is pheasant hunting ... in Upstate New York today. The hunt went pretty well. Dick drove back to the hotel with a hunting buddy tied to his fender." --David Letterman "Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says that he once had an encounter with a UFO. Apparently, several weird looking, little men got off the ship, saw Kucinich, and said, 'It's alright. He's one of us.'" --Conan O'Brien
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
12-mile march
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek. An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. “Men,” our sergeant yelled, “You're doing a FINE job. We've already covered four miles!” Revitalized, we picked up the pace. “And,” continued Sarge, “we should reach the starting point any minute now.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Best Room in the Hotel?The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed."But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel.""I insist on another room!!" said the drunk."Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk."Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"This week, a 90-year-old man in Minnesota became the oldest
person to win a Nobel Prize. Next week, the 90-year-old man
will be the first person to misplace the Nobel Prize."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"If you want to stay healthy... there was this guy in Hong
Kong, 107-year-old guy in Hong Kong. He attributes his
longevity to abstaining from sex since he was 30. Man, I'm
gonna live a long, long time." -Craig Ferguson
***
"According to a new study, eating ice cream increases a
woman's chance of getting pregnant. Actually, eating ice
cream increases a woman's chances of looking pregnant."
-Conan O'Brien
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
During my senior year at university, the wife of one of my
professors gave birth to twins. Now the father of four pre-
schoolers, my professor looked more and more haggard as the
days went by, and his forgetfulness increased.
One day, several weeks after the birth, he arrived in class
late and announced he had some bad news. He couldn't find
the midterm papers we had written weeks before.
"But, sir," said a student, "you gave those midterms back
last class."
"I did?" Our weary professor replied. "Well, how did you do
on them?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night
at around 3 a.m.
Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back
yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful
animal.
For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up
the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic
barking Larry finally snuck around the house through the
alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man
you'd suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence
at the dog.
My husband demanded to know what he was doing.
"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor
explained. "If she gets woken up in the middle of the night
one more time she says she'll leave."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that
said women use more words than men.
It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use
30,000."
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all
along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her
the study results.
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her
husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"
Received from Docs Daily Chuckle.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class casinos are
now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled
to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart
attack victim. That's if you're at a high class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and
touch your finger to the doorknob.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Dictionary for Women
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a
policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but
he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and
hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce,
chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned
everything up, but he "made the dinner."
Blond jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with
a half pound bag of M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to
make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend an hour and a half
writing, then forget to take it with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*ser) n. Someone who is able to create a style that
you will never be able to duplicate. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he
goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 30 hours of contractions;
he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breathe... push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips: color to enhance the beauty of your
mouth. On his collar: coloring only a tramp would wear.
Park (park) v/n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and a slide.
Patience (pa*shens)n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage,
and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinz dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a
candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get
a card.
Waterproof Mascara (Wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower
or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the
trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
rkvkwoq
Monday, November 12, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 12th
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment#7304 Wings Over The Mountains of Life-------------------------------------------------Technology – or Sixth Sense?=============================It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be.Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood so they would be prepared for it.But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?""It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked."Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again."Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?""Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.""How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Outhouse...
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. (this a requirement at my place of employment, they want you to always have an email to back up any communication you have with another co-worker. I think it's insane and only takes up valuable work time when you have to read a box full on email) 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
HERE'S WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING ABOUT... Deal of the Day
"I've been a subscriber for less than a month and I
can't believe all the great deals I've gotten"
- Karen
"I love starting my day off reading Deal of the Day...
almost twice a week I order. Keep the deals coming!"
- Frank
"Wow! You really outdid it with the Backpack deal.
Thanks, I bought two for my kids." - Rita
You too will be a satisfied reader when you sign-up for
the "Deal Of The Day" newsletter. Get amazing deals from
electronics to $.99 closeout specials.
***
"My Halloween was marred. Horrible incident. A kid dressed
as O.J. Simpson broke into my house and stole all my candy."
-Jay Leno
***
"What a crazy Halloween in Hollywood last night. My arm is
killing me from throwing eggs all night." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"This week Wal-Mart started selling a $199 computer. What
they don't tell you is the computer is actually an Etch-a-
Sketch taped to a toaster oven." -Conan O'Brien
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file
of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it must
have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I
called the office janitor.
"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked
up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it?"
He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed
me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with
no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.
As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door.
"Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I
couldn't find your watch."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Driving on the interstate, I saw a vehicle with the license
plate ALT F7. I checked my computer at home, and as I
suspected, it was a WordPerfect command. The truck had to
belong to a plumber. Who else would choose the command
"Flush Right"?
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Cluttered Desk Is...
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column
that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my
desk.
GREAT!
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions and
placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now
I can't find them.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The first line of the notice said, "Please Take Notice," so I took it.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
When Seniors Shouldn't Trick Or TreatYou know you're too old to Trick or Treat when...
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,” and you're not wearing a mask.5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or” and can't remember the rest.4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.1. You keep having to go home to pee.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Outhouse...
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. (this a requirement at my place of employment, they want you to always have an email to back up any communication you have with another co-worker. I think it's insane and only takes up valuable work time when you have to read a box full on email) 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
HERE'S WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING ABOUT... Deal of the Day
"I've been a subscriber for less than a month and I
can't believe all the great deals I've gotten"
- Karen
"I love starting my day off reading Deal of the Day...
almost twice a week I order. Keep the deals coming!"
- Frank
"Wow! You really outdid it with the Backpack deal.
Thanks, I bought two for my kids." - Rita
You too will be a satisfied reader when you sign-up for
the "Deal Of The Day" newsletter. Get amazing deals from
electronics to $.99 closeout specials.
***
"My Halloween was marred. Horrible incident. A kid dressed
as O.J. Simpson broke into my house and stole all my candy."
-Jay Leno
***
"What a crazy Halloween in Hollywood last night. My arm is
killing me from throwing eggs all night." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"This week Wal-Mart started selling a $199 computer. What
they don't tell you is the computer is actually an Etch-a-
Sketch taped to a toaster oven." -Conan O'Brien
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file
of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it must
have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I
called the office janitor.
"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked
up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it?"
He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed
me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with
no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.
As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door.
"Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I
couldn't find your watch."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Driving on the interstate, I saw a vehicle with the license
plate ALT F7. I checked my computer at home, and as I
suspected, it was a WordPerfect command. The truck had to
belong to a plumber. Who else would choose the command
"Flush Right"?
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Cluttered Desk Is...
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column
that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my
desk.
GREAT!
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions and
placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now
I can't find them.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The first line of the notice said, "Please Take Notice," so I took it.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
When Seniors Shouldn't Trick Or TreatYou know you're too old to Trick or Treat when...
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,” and you're not wearing a mask.5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or” and can't remember the rest.4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.1. You keep having to go home to pee.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 11th
Those who don't know
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Actual Medical Chart Notes
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. - The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. - The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. - Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. - Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. - The patient refused autopsy. - The patient has no previous history of suicides. - Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. - Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days. - Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. - She is numb from her toes down. - While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Math
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
+++++++++++++++++++
Blood Race
The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood. After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well. As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel. Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Basement Pitch"
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes."- Mel Brooks
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Integrity" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was playing in a golf tournament with a longtime Big Ten basketball official who just retired.He was recollecting the first time he refereed in Bloomington, IN at Indiana University. As he told it .............
“I was very nervous. It was my first time in Bloomington and my first time refereeing a game with Bobby Knight. I was very nervous and was trying so hard to make every call right and equitable.“At the start of the second half, Indiana’s #23 positioned himself right next to me as we started play. I felt crowded so gave myself some extra room, but he stayed right with me! This went on for over 5 minutes…#23 closer to me than any opponentI couldn't seem to shake him.“At the under 16-minute time out, I approached the Indiana bench and said, ‘Coach Knight, I couldn't help but notice that #23 stays very close to me - it’s like he’s guarding me!"“Coach Knight looked at me and said, ‘Son, at half time I told that player to guard the man who was giving us the most trouble......................AND THAT’S YOU!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
+++++++++++++++++++
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a
woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was
calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
+++++++++++++++++++
"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind
souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." - Dave
Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
First Prize
A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Actual Medical Chart Notes
- The skin was moist and dry. - Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. - Patient was alert and unresponsive. - She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. - Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. - I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. - The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. - The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. - Skin: somewhat pale but present. - The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. - Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. - Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. - She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night. - Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
+++++++++++++++++++
No leak
That's not a leak, my car's just marking its territory!
+++++++++++++++++++
Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?” After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!” At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Actual Medical Chart Notes
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. - The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. - The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. - Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. - Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. - The patient refused autopsy. - The patient has no previous history of suicides. - Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. - Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days. - Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. - She is numb from her toes down. - While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Math
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
+++++++++++++++++++
Blood Race
The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood. After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well. As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel. Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Basement Pitch"
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes."- Mel Brooks
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Integrity" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was playing in a golf tournament with a longtime Big Ten basketball official who just retired.He was recollecting the first time he refereed in Bloomington, IN at Indiana University. As he told it .............
“I was very nervous. It was my first time in Bloomington and my first time refereeing a game with Bobby Knight. I was very nervous and was trying so hard to make every call right and equitable.“At the start of the second half, Indiana’s #23 positioned himself right next to me as we started play. I felt crowded so gave myself some extra room, but he stayed right with me! This went on for over 5 minutes…#23 closer to me than any opponentI couldn't seem to shake him.“At the under 16-minute time out, I approached the Indiana bench and said, ‘Coach Knight, I couldn't help but notice that #23 stays very close to me - it’s like he’s guarding me!"“Coach Knight looked at me and said, ‘Son, at half time I told that player to guard the man who was giving us the most trouble......................AND THAT’S YOU!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
+++++++++++++++++++
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a
woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was
calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
+++++++++++++++++++
"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind
souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." - Dave
Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
First Prize
A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Actual Medical Chart Notes
- The skin was moist and dry. - Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. - Patient was alert and unresponsive. - She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. - Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. - I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. - The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. - The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. - Skin: somewhat pale but present. - The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. - Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. - Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. - She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night. - Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
+++++++++++++++++++
No leak
That's not a leak, my car's just marking its territory!
+++++++++++++++++++
Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?” After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!” At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”
Saturday, November 10, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 10th
Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
+++++++++++++++++++
"One of the things the government wants the astronauts to do on the Moon is
look for fuel. See, apparently the Marines didn't find enough in Iraq." -
Bill Williams
+++++++++++++++++++
Behind Schedule
The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiddie Quickies
My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5." ******************** Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!" ******************** Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"
+++++++++++++++++++
You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
+++++++++++++++++++
AMUSING QUOTE
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Jean Squeeze"
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."
He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Little Known Illnesses"
AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.
DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.
HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.
HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.
HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.
CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.
VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.
SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.
ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.
OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Lawyer's Story
This is short and fairly good.
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?""There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure and you had died."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Lizard Sickness”
One of my friends at work was talking to her five year old grandson who lives in AZ.
The grandson was telling his grandmother about his friend who had a lizard for a pet. He continued on telling her that the lizard was dying. When she asked how he knew it was dying he told her it was really sick. She then asked what the lizard was sick with.
The little boy thought a moment and said, "I think it has reptile dysfunction."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bar TabPatrick, an Irish oil worker, is on a job in Alaska up on the North Slope. It's forty below zero one winter night and Patrick is imbibing at his local saloon.The bartender says to him, "Patrick, you owe me quite a bit on your tab.""Sure'n I'm flat broke this week.""That's OK. I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.""But I'm not wantin' any of me friends to see that.""They won't. I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
+++++++++++++++++++
Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electricwires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, Iwas assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security
at the scene ofa downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of
this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from
the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to
warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to
protect the public.
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the
wires, then, laughing, descended toward me."Well, Officer," one of them
said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all
night."
+++++++++++++++++++
My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says, "You weren't home last
night. Is something going on?"
I say, "Yeah, Mom. I'm cheating on you with another mother."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cul-de-Sac - French for "Through street to landfill not finished yet.
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
+++++++++++++++++++
"One of the things the government wants the astronauts to do on the Moon is
look for fuel. See, apparently the Marines didn't find enough in Iraq." -
Bill Williams
+++++++++++++++++++
Behind Schedule
The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiddie Quickies
My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5." ******************** Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!" ******************** Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"
+++++++++++++++++++
You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
+++++++++++++++++++
AMUSING QUOTE
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Jean Squeeze"
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."
He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Little Known Illnesses"
AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.
DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.
HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.
HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.
HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.
CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.
VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.
SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.
ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.
OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Lawyer's Story
This is short and fairly good.
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?""There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure and you had died."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Lizard Sickness”
One of my friends at work was talking to her five year old grandson who lives in AZ.
The grandson was telling his grandmother about his friend who had a lizard for a pet. He continued on telling her that the lizard was dying. When she asked how he knew it was dying he told her it was really sick. She then asked what the lizard was sick with.
The little boy thought a moment and said, "I think it has reptile dysfunction."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bar TabPatrick, an Irish oil worker, is on a job in Alaska up on the North Slope. It's forty below zero one winter night and Patrick is imbibing at his local saloon.The bartender says to him, "Patrick, you owe me quite a bit on your tab.""Sure'n I'm flat broke this week.""That's OK. I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.""But I'm not wantin' any of me friends to see that.""They won't. I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
+++++++++++++++++++
Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electricwires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, Iwas assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security
at the scene ofa downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of
this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from
the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to
warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to
protect the public.
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the
wires, then, laughing, descended toward me."Well, Officer," one of them
said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all
night."
+++++++++++++++++++
My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says, "You weren't home last
night. Is something going on?"
I say, "Yeah, Mom. I'm cheating on you with another mother."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cul-de-Sac - French for "Through street to landfill not finished yet.
Friday, November 09, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 9th
After just one year of marriage, Jill filed for divorce. A
friend, trying to console her said that you never know what
a man's like until you live with him.
"I should have left him right after the honeymoon. He didn't
even take me to Niagara Falls like he promised -- all we did
was drive through a car wash a couple of times, real slow."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at
a little backwoods country store. In the men's room there
was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which
said, "Please Wiggel Handel".
Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel
Bach?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Good Advice From Kids
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10 "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age 9 Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14 "Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9 "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." -Emily, age 10 "When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11 "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." -Traci, age 14 "A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." – Andrew, age 9
+++++++++++++++++++
Tech Support
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L" Another technical problem solved.
+++++++++++++++++++
Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
+++++++++++++++++++
More Dis-Inspirationals
- There is no "I" in "teamwork"...But there is in "management kiss-up". - If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. - The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. - Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. - If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. - Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing all those who oppose them. - We put the "k" in "kwality". - 2 days without a human rights violation. - Your job is STILL better than asking "You want fries with that?".
+++++++++++++++++++
Air Conditioning
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a
restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be
turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned
down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an
hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and
forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second
customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.
"Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't
even have an air conditioner."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you
weren't watching?" Bob asked.
"Well, no," admitted the friend.
"Neither will John," replied Bob.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very
careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.
He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised
to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage
carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied
to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he
asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
+++++++++++++++++++
Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?
+++++++++++++++++++
Auto AuctionThe auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body.Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's comments: "Please note - the radio does not work."
+++++++++++++++++++
At the urging of his doctor, John moved to Arizona.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older
man.
"Say, my doctor recommended I move here for my health. Is
this really a good place to live?"
"It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here
I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head.
I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had
to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
+++++++++++++++++++
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor
decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a
parishioner call the sign company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he
wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was
born, six feet long and two feet wide."
+++++++++++++++++++
After my fifth-graders studied the history of the Alamo, I
gave them a test with this bonus question: "What was the
famous battle cry that later helped spur on independence for
Texans?"
One student's response: "Remember the alimony!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ancient Artifact?
A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with
fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and
looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The
leaf had been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered:
"It's Adam's suit!"
+++++++++++++++++++
friend, trying to console her said that you never know what
a man's like until you live with him.
"I should have left him right after the honeymoon. He didn't
even take me to Niagara Falls like he promised -- all we did
was drive through a car wash a couple of times, real slow."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at
a little backwoods country store. In the men's room there
was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which
said, "Please Wiggel Handel".
Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel
Bach?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Good Advice From Kids
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10 "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age 9 Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14 "Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9 "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." -Emily, age 10 "When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11 "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." -Traci, age 14 "A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." – Andrew, age 9
+++++++++++++++++++
Tech Support
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L" Another technical problem solved.
+++++++++++++++++++
Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
+++++++++++++++++++
More Dis-Inspirationals
- There is no "I" in "teamwork"...But there is in "management kiss-up". - If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. - The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. - Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. - If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. - Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing all those who oppose them. - We put the "k" in "kwality". - 2 days without a human rights violation. - Your job is STILL better than asking "You want fries with that?".
+++++++++++++++++++
Air Conditioning
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a
restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be
turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned
down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an
hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and
forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second
customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.
"Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't
even have an air conditioner."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you
weren't watching?" Bob asked.
"Well, no," admitted the friend.
"Neither will John," replied Bob.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very
careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.
He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised
to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage
carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied
to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he
asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
+++++++++++++++++++
Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?
+++++++++++++++++++
Auto AuctionThe auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body.Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's comments: "Please note - the radio does not work."
+++++++++++++++++++
At the urging of his doctor, John moved to Arizona.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older
man.
"Say, my doctor recommended I move here for my health. Is
this really a good place to live?"
"It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here
I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head.
I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had
to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
+++++++++++++++++++
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor
decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a
parishioner call the sign company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he
wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was
born, six feet long and two feet wide."
+++++++++++++++++++
After my fifth-graders studied the history of the Alamo, I
gave them a test with this bonus question: "What was the
famous battle cry that later helped spur on independence for
Texans?"
One student's response: "Remember the alimony!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ancient Artifact?
A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with
fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and
looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The
leaf had been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered:
"It's Adam's suit!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 6th
Make the Beds
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers. I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret. He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cows and Bulls
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing. Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
+++++++++++++++++++
New Mercedes
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't Ignore the Kids
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car. "What took you so long, son?" he asked. "The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even." "How?" "I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at eight o'clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
Insurance Salesman
"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where
the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down
"Lifeguard." Nothing else.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance,
but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the
Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain
to salesmanship?"
"I could not swim," my cousin replied.
He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
AMUSING QUOTE
"This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask.
And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him." ~Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Casket Comment"
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon.
"But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell.
"The nut has gone to heaven."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pineapple"
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Communion Message”
Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament.
Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!"
Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front... and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised priest in the middle of his sermon!
+++++++++++++++++++
Yooper Airlines
We Are Pleased To Announce Yooper Air Is Now Operating In Michygander. Also Serving Visconsin, Nort And Sout Dakoter.
If you are travelin soon, consider Yooper Air, DA no-frills airline. You're all in DA same boat on Yooper Air, where flyin is a upliftin Experience.
Dere is no first class on any Yooper Air flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a Main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in DA Rear of DA aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by Free will offering and DA plane will not land 'til DA budget is met.
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit DA Safety system aboard dis Yooper Air. Okay den, lis ten up. I'm only gonna Say dis vonce. In DA event Of a sudden loss of cab in pressure, I am
frankly going to be real Surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly
right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure Vould probably mean DA Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I Vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on DA rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze Back up in dair little holes. Probably DA masks fell out because of Turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, But after a while you get used to it.
In DA event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying DA Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to DA part about forgive us our sins As we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say trespass Against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on DA plane is strictly forbidden, not because Daymay confuse DA plane's navigation system, which is S eat of DA pants All DA way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in DA wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on DA side Of your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with DA coffee pot Up front. Den we'll have DA hymn sing; hymnals are in DA seat pocket in Front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be Real upset and I am not kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace: 'Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze Gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.' Amen
P. S. To understand this ~ it really helps if you are from Michigan........Ya. ‘ey??
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers. I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret. He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cows and Bulls
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing. Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
+++++++++++++++++++
New Mercedes
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't Ignore the Kids
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car. "What took you so long, son?" he asked. "The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even." "How?" "I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at eight o'clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
Insurance Salesman
"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where
the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down
"Lifeguard." Nothing else.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance,
but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the
Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain
to salesmanship?"
"I could not swim," my cousin replied.
He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
AMUSING QUOTE
"This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask.
And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him." ~Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Casket Comment"
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon.
"But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell.
"The nut has gone to heaven."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pineapple"
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Communion Message”
Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament.
Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!"
Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front... and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised priest in the middle of his sermon!
+++++++++++++++++++
Yooper Airlines
We Are Pleased To Announce Yooper Air Is Now Operating In Michygander. Also Serving Visconsin, Nort And Sout Dakoter.
If you are travelin soon, consider Yooper Air, DA no-frills airline. You're all in DA same boat on Yooper Air, where flyin is a upliftin Experience.
Dere is no first class on any Yooper Air flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a Main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in DA Rear of DA aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by Free will offering and DA plane will not land 'til DA budget is met.
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit DA Safety system aboard dis Yooper Air. Okay den, lis ten up. I'm only gonna Say dis vonce. In DA event Of a sudden loss of cab in pressure, I am
frankly going to be real Surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly
right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure Vould probably mean DA Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I Vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on DA rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze Back up in dair little holes. Probably DA masks fell out because of Turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, But after a while you get used to it.
In DA event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying DA Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to DA part about forgive us our sins As we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say trespass Against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on DA plane is strictly forbidden, not because Daymay confuse DA plane's navigation system, which is S eat of DA pants All DA way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in DA wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on DA side Of your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with DA coffee pot Up front. Den we'll have DA hymn sing; hymnals are in DA seat pocket in Front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be Real upset and I am not kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace: 'Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze Gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.' Amen
P. S. To understand this ~ it really helps if you are from Michigan........Ya. ‘ey??
Monday, November 05, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 5th
AMUSING QUOTE
"When I was born I was so surprised,
I didn't talk for a year and a half." ~Gracie Allen
+++++++++++++++++++
Feeling OldWhen my granddaughter was about five years old she said, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you."It brought tears to my eyes upon hearing what I thought was a wonderful compliment. Of course, I had to ask, "Why do you want to be like me?"She replied, "Because when I get old I still want to be alive too."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ham Dinner
My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill. "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."
+++++++++++++++++++
Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
+++++++++++++++++++
Expensive Operation
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Albert Said It
All quotes by Albert Einstein "If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?" "The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible." "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." "Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value." "Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love." "You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother." "The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." "When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!" "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S RELATIVITY." "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing." "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
+++++++++++++++++++
Personal Secretary
A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asked. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. He's bald."
+++++++++++++++++++
A young minister
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. "But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. "The nut has gone to heaven.”
+++++++++++++++++++
True Courtroom Humor
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death.Q. And by whose death was it terminated? Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q. What is your name?A. Ernestine McDowell.Q. And what is your marital status?A. Fair. Q. Are you married?A. No, I’m divorced.Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?A. A lot of things I didn’t know about. Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
+++++++++++++++++++
Exam By Chance
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
+++++++++++++++++++
"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath.
'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got
to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'"
--Brad Stine
***
"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job
that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally,
I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."
--Buzz Nutley
***
"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a
comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in
an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved
with violence." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or
three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that
sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see
me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down.
Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for
several weeks.
I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I
came by it, and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom
I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and ex-
claimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"
"The dog did it," I wearily replied.
A man standing next to us looked over at me and said
knowingly, "Ahh, you must own a boxer."
"When I was born I was so surprised,
I didn't talk for a year and a half." ~Gracie Allen
+++++++++++++++++++
Feeling OldWhen my granddaughter was about five years old she said, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you."It brought tears to my eyes upon hearing what I thought was a wonderful compliment. Of course, I had to ask, "Why do you want to be like me?"She replied, "Because when I get old I still want to be alive too."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ham Dinner
My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill. "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."
+++++++++++++++++++
Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
+++++++++++++++++++
Expensive Operation
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Albert Said It
All quotes by Albert Einstein "If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?" "The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible." "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." "Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value." "Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love." "You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother." "The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." "When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!" "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S RELATIVITY." "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing." "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
+++++++++++++++++++
Personal Secretary
A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asked. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. He's bald."
+++++++++++++++++++
A young minister
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. "But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. "The nut has gone to heaven.”
+++++++++++++++++++
True Courtroom Humor
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death.Q. And by whose death was it terminated? Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q. What is your name?A. Ernestine McDowell.Q. And what is your marital status?A. Fair. Q. Are you married?A. No, I’m divorced.Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?A. A lot of things I didn’t know about. Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
+++++++++++++++++++
Exam By Chance
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
+++++++++++++++++++
"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath.
'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got
to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'"
--Brad Stine
***
"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job
that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally,
I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."
--Buzz Nutley
***
"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a
comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in
an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved
with violence." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or
three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that
sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see
me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down.
Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for
several weeks.
I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I
came by it, and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom
I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and ex-
claimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"
"The dog did it," I wearily replied.
A man standing next to us looked over at me and said
knowingly, "Ahh, you must own a boxer."
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