Thursday, November 08, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 6th
Make the Beds
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers. I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret. He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cows and Bulls
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing. Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
+++++++++++++++++++
New Mercedes
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't Ignore the Kids
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car. "What took you so long, son?" he asked. "The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even." "How?" "I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at eight o'clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
Insurance Salesman
"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where
the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down
"Lifeguard." Nothing else.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance,
but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the
Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain
to salesmanship?"
"I could not swim," my cousin replied.
He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
AMUSING QUOTE
"This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask.
And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him." ~Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Casket Comment"
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon.
"But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell.
"The nut has gone to heaven."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pineapple"
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Communion Message”
Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament.
Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!"
Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front... and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised priest in the middle of his sermon!
+++++++++++++++++++
Yooper Airlines
We Are Pleased To Announce Yooper Air Is Now Operating In Michygander. Also Serving Visconsin, Nort And Sout Dakoter.
If you are travelin soon, consider Yooper Air, DA no-frills airline. You're all in DA same boat on Yooper Air, where flyin is a upliftin Experience.
Dere is no first class on any Yooper Air flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a Main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in DA Rear of DA aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by Free will offering and DA plane will not land 'til DA budget is met.
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit DA Safety system aboard dis Yooper Air. Okay den, lis ten up. I'm only gonna Say dis vonce. In DA event Of a sudden loss of cab in pressure, I am
frankly going to be real Surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly
right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure Vould probably mean DA Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I Vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on DA rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze Back up in dair little holes. Probably DA masks fell out because of Turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, But after a while you get used to it.
In DA event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying DA Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to DA part about forgive us our sins As we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say trespass Against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on DA plane is strictly forbidden, not because Daymay confuse DA plane's navigation system, which is S eat of DA pants All DA way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in DA wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on DA side Of your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with DA coffee pot Up front. Den we'll have DA hymn sing; hymnals are in DA seat pocket in Front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be Real upset and I am not kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace: 'Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze Gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.' Amen
P. S. To understand this ~ it really helps if you are from Michigan........Ya. ‘ey??
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers. I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret. He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cows and Bulls
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing. Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
+++++++++++++++++++
New Mercedes
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't Ignore the Kids
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car. "What took you so long, son?" he asked. "The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even." "How?" "I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at eight o'clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
Insurance Salesman
"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where
the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down
"Lifeguard." Nothing else.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance,
but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the
Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain
to salesmanship?"
"I could not swim," my cousin replied.
He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
AMUSING QUOTE
"This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask.
And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him." ~Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Casket Comment"
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon.
"But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell.
"The nut has gone to heaven."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pineapple"
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Communion Message”
Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament.
Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!"
Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front... and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised priest in the middle of his sermon!
+++++++++++++++++++
Yooper Airlines
We Are Pleased To Announce Yooper Air Is Now Operating In Michygander. Also Serving Visconsin, Nort And Sout Dakoter.
If you are travelin soon, consider Yooper Air, DA no-frills airline. You're all in DA same boat on Yooper Air, where flyin is a upliftin Experience.
Dere is no first class on any Yooper Air flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a Main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in DA Rear of DA aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by Free will offering and DA plane will not land 'til DA budget is met.
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit DA Safety system aboard dis Yooper Air. Okay den, lis ten up. I'm only gonna Say dis vonce. In DA event Of a sudden loss of cab in pressure, I am
frankly going to be real Surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly
right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure Vould probably mean DA Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I Vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on DA rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze Back up in dair little holes. Probably DA masks fell out because of Turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, But after a while you get used to it.
In DA event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying DA Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to DA part about forgive us our sins As we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say trespass Against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on DA plane is strictly forbidden, not because Daymay confuse DA plane's navigation system, which is S eat of DA pants All DA way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in DA wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on DA side Of your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with DA coffee pot Up front. Den we'll have DA hymn sing; hymnals are in DA seat pocket in Front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be Real upset and I am not kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace: 'Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze Gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.' Amen
P. S. To understand this ~ it really helps if you are from Michigan........Ya. ‘ey??
Monday, November 05, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 5th
AMUSING QUOTE
"When I was born I was so surprised,
I didn't talk for a year and a half." ~Gracie Allen
+++++++++++++++++++
Feeling OldWhen my granddaughter was about five years old she said, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you."It brought tears to my eyes upon hearing what I thought was a wonderful compliment. Of course, I had to ask, "Why do you want to be like me?"She replied, "Because when I get old I still want to be alive too."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ham Dinner
My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill. "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."
+++++++++++++++++++
Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
+++++++++++++++++++
Expensive Operation
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Albert Said It
All quotes by Albert Einstein "If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?" "The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible." "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." "Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value." "Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love." "You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother." "The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." "When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!" "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S RELATIVITY." "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing." "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
+++++++++++++++++++
Personal Secretary
A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asked. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. He's bald."
+++++++++++++++++++
A young minister
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. "But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. "The nut has gone to heaven.”
+++++++++++++++++++
True Courtroom Humor
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death.Q. And by whose death was it terminated? Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q. What is your name?A. Ernestine McDowell.Q. And what is your marital status?A. Fair. Q. Are you married?A. No, I’m divorced.Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?A. A lot of things I didn’t know about. Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
+++++++++++++++++++
Exam By Chance
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
+++++++++++++++++++
"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath.
'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got
to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'"
--Brad Stine
***
"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job
that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally,
I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."
--Buzz Nutley
***
"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a
comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in
an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved
with violence." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or
three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that
sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see
me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down.
Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for
several weeks.
I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I
came by it, and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom
I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and ex-
claimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"
"The dog did it," I wearily replied.
A man standing next to us looked over at me and said
knowingly, "Ahh, you must own a boxer."
"When I was born I was so surprised,
I didn't talk for a year and a half." ~Gracie Allen
+++++++++++++++++++
Feeling OldWhen my granddaughter was about five years old she said, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you."It brought tears to my eyes upon hearing what I thought was a wonderful compliment. Of course, I had to ask, "Why do you want to be like me?"She replied, "Because when I get old I still want to be alive too."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ham Dinner
My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill. "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."
+++++++++++++++++++
Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
+++++++++++++++++++
Expensive Operation
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Albert Said It
All quotes by Albert Einstein "If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?" "The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible." "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." "Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value." "Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love." "You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother." "The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." "When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!" "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S RELATIVITY." "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing." "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
+++++++++++++++++++
Personal Secretary
A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asked. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. He's bald."
+++++++++++++++++++
A young minister
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. "But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. "The nut has gone to heaven.”
+++++++++++++++++++
True Courtroom Humor
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death.Q. And by whose death was it terminated? Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q. What is your name?A. Ernestine McDowell.Q. And what is your marital status?A. Fair. Q. Are you married?A. No, I’m divorced.Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?A. A lot of things I didn’t know about. Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
+++++++++++++++++++
Exam By Chance
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
+++++++++++++++++++
"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath.
'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got
to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'"
--Brad Stine
***
"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job
that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally,
I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."
--Buzz Nutley
***
"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a
comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in
an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved
with violence." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or
three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that
sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see
me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down.
Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for
several weeks.
I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I
came by it, and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom
I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and ex-
claimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"
"The dog did it," I wearily replied.
A man standing next to us looked over at me and said
knowingly, "Ahh, you must own a boxer."
Sunday, November 04, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 4th
Romantic Dinner
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself. "How romantic!" she thought. Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess. Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker." "Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?" "More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."
+++++++++++++++++++
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was 'DON'T!'
'Don't what?' Adam replied.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.
'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!'
'No Way!' 'Yes way!' 'Do NOT eat the fruit! ' said God.
'Why?'
'Because I am your Father and I said so! ' God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! 'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked.
'Uh huh,' Adam replied.'Then why did you? ' said the Father. 'I don't know,' said Eve.'She started it! ' Adam said.'Did not! ''Did too! ''DID NOT'Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1 You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.AND FINALLY:IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!! Quick, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes. Nothing will happen if you don't, but if you do, ten people will be laughing
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself. "How romantic!" she thought. Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess. Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker." "Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?" "More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."
+++++++++++++++++++
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was 'DON'T!'
'Don't what?' Adam replied.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.
'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!'
'No Way!' 'Yes way!' 'Do NOT eat the fruit! ' said God.
'Why?'
'Because I am your Father and I said so! ' God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! 'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked.
'Uh huh,' Adam replied.'Then why did you? ' said the Father. 'I don't know,' said Eve.'She started it! ' Adam said.'Did not! ''Did too! ''DID NOT'Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1 You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.AND FINALLY:IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!! Quick, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes. Nothing will happen if you don't, but if you do, ten people will be laughing
Saturday, November 03, 2007
hUMOR For Nov 3rd
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I
don't know the answer." -Douglas Adams
***
"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her
voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to
kill my father." -Wendy Leibman
***
"I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because
they don't require so much cooking." -Carrie Snow
+++++++++++++++++++
Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies were
talking about the stress of leaving their families. A senior
officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the
conversation and offered the following advice:
"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he
said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first break-
fast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her
husband slowly savored each forkful.
"How was it, Honey?" she asked when he'd finished.
"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably
could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the
whole, it was a good start."
+++++++++++++++++++
More Vague Thoughts
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon. Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money. When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum. Is your holier side your altar ego? I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it three or five? What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?
+++++++++++++++++++
Daddy, were you in a war?
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves. “Daddy, were you in a war?” “Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be. Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”
+++++++++++++++++++
A snail buys a fast new car
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman and asked the question, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?” Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Psychology Course
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was
taking a psychology course at the university.
"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in
the family."
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology
until next semester."
+++++++++++++++++++
CollateralI accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo."Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said."But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained."Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
+++++++++++++++++++
"This week Britney Spears hit another photographer. If she
hits one more she gets a free medium Slurpee at 7-Eleven."
-Jimmy Kimmel
***
"It turns out that Barack Obama and Vice President Dick
Cheney are cousins. Honest to God, imagine how terrible it
would be to find out that you're related to a cranky old
guy. I mean, just ask my son." -David Letterman
***
"Remember 20 years ago, 'Baby Jessica'? She was the little
baby who was rescued after falling in a well. Huge story.
She's almost 21 now and will soon be getting a million
dollars from the funds set up with donations when she fell
down the well. She's getting a million dollars. In a related
story, earlier today, Senator John McCain threw himself down
a well" --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked
if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost
the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.
The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony
and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I
can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message
at the tone."
+++++++++++++++++++
The old west was full of cowboys who were good cow-ordinators.
They had consider-a-bull talent, though sometimes they would
stirrup trouble. Sometimes they took hay to bed in order to
feed their night mares. One cowboy reached for his gun and
drew a blank. Eventually they would go off to a rodeo to try
and get a few bucks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Vows
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
+++++++++++++++++++
Hungry Robins
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. " Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me neither, let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "OK" said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cornbread
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food. One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley. Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.
don't know the answer." -Douglas Adams
***
"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her
voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to
kill my father." -Wendy Leibman
***
"I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because
they don't require so much cooking." -Carrie Snow
+++++++++++++++++++
Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies were
talking about the stress of leaving their families. A senior
officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the
conversation and offered the following advice:
"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he
said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first break-
fast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her
husband slowly savored each forkful.
"How was it, Honey?" she asked when he'd finished.
"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably
could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the
whole, it was a good start."
+++++++++++++++++++
More Vague Thoughts
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon. Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money. When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum. Is your holier side your altar ego? I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it three or five? What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?
+++++++++++++++++++
Daddy, were you in a war?
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves. “Daddy, were you in a war?” “Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be. Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”
+++++++++++++++++++
A snail buys a fast new car
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman and asked the question, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?” Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Psychology Course
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was
taking a psychology course at the university.
"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in
the family."
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology
until next semester."
+++++++++++++++++++
CollateralI accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo."Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said."But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained."Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
+++++++++++++++++++
"This week Britney Spears hit another photographer. If she
hits one more she gets a free medium Slurpee at 7-Eleven."
-Jimmy Kimmel
***
"It turns out that Barack Obama and Vice President Dick
Cheney are cousins. Honest to God, imagine how terrible it
would be to find out that you're related to a cranky old
guy. I mean, just ask my son." -David Letterman
***
"Remember 20 years ago, 'Baby Jessica'? She was the little
baby who was rescued after falling in a well. Huge story.
She's almost 21 now and will soon be getting a million
dollars from the funds set up with donations when she fell
down the well. She's getting a million dollars. In a related
story, earlier today, Senator John McCain threw himself down
a well" --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked
if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost
the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.
The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony
and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I
can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message
at the tone."
+++++++++++++++++++
The old west was full of cowboys who were good cow-ordinators.
They had consider-a-bull talent, though sometimes they would
stirrup trouble. Sometimes they took hay to bed in order to
feed their night mares. One cowboy reached for his gun and
drew a blank. Eventually they would go off to a rodeo to try
and get a few bucks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Vows
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
+++++++++++++++++++
Hungry Robins
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. " Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me neither, let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "OK" said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cornbread
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food. One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley. Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
hUMOR For Nov. 1st
Some Vague Thoughts
Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment. The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week. If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it. Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rare birds
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
+++++++++++++++++++
Egg Jokes
Question: Why did the chicken lay her eggs on a axe? Answer: She wanted to hachet Question: What do you call a egg who’s done lots of things? Answer: An egg who has a lot of eggsperience. Question: Where do you find information about eggs? Answer: In the hen-cyclopedia Question: Why is the chef so mean? Answer: She beats the eggs! Question: Did you hear the one about the egg? Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be! Question: How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it? Answer: By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.
+++++++++++++++++++
$100 bill
I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!" Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill. "I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy. "But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned. "I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lesson in Marketing
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome -
one has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of
David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put
money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people
giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the
beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes
over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My
poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic
country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't
going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of
David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside
a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give
to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest,
turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe,
look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing."
+++++++++++++++++++
AMUSING QUOTE
"A synonym is a word used if you can't spell the other one."
+++++++++++++++++++
BUB Interprets that FAMOUS Canadian phrase *EH*!
Subject: Understanding CanadiansIt has come to my attention that some people are having a toughtime understanding Canadians like myself. So I am going to run througha very brief translation of the Canadian dialect and hopefullyease some minds out there.EH= pronounced AY (similar but not the same as huh)Eh is a useful word that is very important and is the basis of all Canadiancommunications.It is used in conjunction with other words, or simply byitself. The tone or the slight difference in exclamations also changesthe meaning.Eh= what did you say?Eh?= what do you thinkEH?= something to say just to end a sentenceEh!!= WOW!!EH!?= what do you mean?Eh??= your joking!!!??EH!!= Hello..you off in the distance!!!Eh?= want a donut?Eh!= sure!!Eh!Eh!= coffee double cream too please!Eh?= what you say when you realize you have no money to pay for itEh..cmon eh?= asking them to let you pay for it next time.hey..eh!= want to go to the drive in movie??Eh...uhuh= yes sure!Eh..y'know= Ill pick you up at 8Eh..cmon!!= well thats early..but okEh..wanna?eh?= lets fool aroundEHHHHHHH= sounds coming from the carhey..um..er eh...= Im pregnantEH?????????= how did that happen?EHHehhEHHehhEHHH= sounds from the delivery roomEHHH ehh EHHH ehh= babys first cryEhh..whadya think eh?= marry meother usefel terms:hoser= a good friend..take off!= you are kidding,no way,fly an airplaneskates= what all canadians wear as first shoes(thats why we walk funny)lumberjack= something in our genes..screech= a nice drinkswish= a drink made from leftover screech barrelsThe Rock= NewfoundlandNewfoundland= pronounced noofunlanDory= Newfoundland cruise linerToronto= pronounced TrawnaLake Ontario= where all sewers drain intoYukon= a drinkTwo Four= case of beersixty pounder= large bottle of screechOver by= still havent deciphered that term yetThe Canadian citizenship test:spell canada= C eh N eh D ehwho was the first Prime Minister=Sir John EH MacdonaldSo if you hear me talking like this.Hey..eh..cmon eh hoser!y'know take off!!EH??umm err well hey ok eh!it's friendly!8-)bub
+++++++++++++++++++Amish Brakes An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake.
+++++++++++++++++++
FOOD SPOILAGE TEST
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from
what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is
spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away
perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps
you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good
indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
laboratory experiment.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball
should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick,
but it only works if you have a wife or a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you
open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
+++++++++++++++++++
Florida April 30th:Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is astate that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmyevenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket.It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. May 14th:Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in anair-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure tosee the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshiper. June 5th:Another scorcher today, but I love it here. Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of Palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! July 1st:The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where arethose ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it willtake a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have toremember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one ofthose fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for myhands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like. July 15th:Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lessonthough: got to respect the old sun in a climate like this. July 20th:I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. Bythe time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size ofa shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car nowsmells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat! July 25th:Ocean breezes, oh yeah sure. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on thefritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he neededto order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane. July 30th:Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swampmosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments and wecan't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th:100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 andgets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as muchas the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road.I hate this state. Aug 8th:If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tearhis head off. Dang heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator isboiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roastedGarfield!! Aug 10th:The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It'sbeen too hot for two months and the weatherman says it might reallywarm up next week. And whoever came up with the Statement, "it may be hot,but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion.Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place?? Aug 14th:Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack thewindow and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came tofix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the$1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Aug 30th:Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rainsfinally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove thedamned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly!The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you haveto worry about is getting mugged. I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.
Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment. The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week. If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it. Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rare birds
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
+++++++++++++++++++
Egg Jokes
Question: Why did the chicken lay her eggs on a axe? Answer: She wanted to hachet Question: What do you call a egg who’s done lots of things? Answer: An egg who has a lot of eggsperience. Question: Where do you find information about eggs? Answer: In the hen-cyclopedia Question: Why is the chef so mean? Answer: She beats the eggs! Question: Did you hear the one about the egg? Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be! Question: How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it? Answer: By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.
+++++++++++++++++++
$100 bill
I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!" Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill. "I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy. "But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned. "I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lesson in Marketing
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome -
one has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of
David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put
money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people
giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the
beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes
over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My
poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic
country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't
going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of
David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside
a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give
to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest,
turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe,
look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing."
+++++++++++++++++++
AMUSING QUOTE
"A synonym is a word used if you can't spell the other one."
+++++++++++++++++++
BUB Interprets that FAMOUS Canadian phrase *EH*!
Subject: Understanding CanadiansIt has come to my attention that some people are having a toughtime understanding Canadians like myself. So I am going to run througha very brief translation of the Canadian dialect and hopefullyease some minds out there.EH= pronounced AY (similar but not the same as huh)Eh is a useful word that is very important and is the basis of all Canadiancommunications.It is used in conjunction with other words, or simply byitself. The tone or the slight difference in exclamations also changesthe meaning.Eh= what did you say?Eh?= what do you thinkEH?= something to say just to end a sentenceEh!!= WOW!!EH!?= what do you mean?Eh??= your joking!!!??EH!!= Hello..you off in the distance!!!Eh?= want a donut?Eh!= sure!!Eh!Eh!= coffee double cream too please!Eh?= what you say when you realize you have no money to pay for itEh..cmon eh?= asking them to let you pay for it next time.hey..eh!= want to go to the drive in movie??Eh...uhuh= yes sure!Eh..y'know= Ill pick you up at 8Eh..cmon!!= well thats early..but okEh..wanna?eh?= lets fool aroundEHHHHHHH= sounds coming from the carhey..um..er eh...= Im pregnantEH?????????= how did that happen?EHHehhEHHehhEHHH= sounds from the delivery roomEHHH ehh EHHH ehh= babys first cryEhh..whadya think eh?= marry meother usefel terms:hoser= a good friend..take off!= you are kidding,no way,fly an airplaneskates= what all canadians wear as first shoes(thats why we walk funny)lumberjack= something in our genes..screech= a nice drinkswish= a drink made from leftover screech barrelsThe Rock= NewfoundlandNewfoundland= pronounced noofunlanDory= Newfoundland cruise linerToronto= pronounced TrawnaLake Ontario= where all sewers drain intoYukon= a drinkTwo Four= case of beersixty pounder= large bottle of screechOver by= still havent deciphered that term yetThe Canadian citizenship test:spell canada= C eh N eh D ehwho was the first Prime Minister=Sir John EH MacdonaldSo if you hear me talking like this.Hey..eh..cmon eh hoser!y'know take off!!EH??umm err well hey ok eh!it's friendly!8-)bub
+++++++++++++++++++Amish Brakes An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake.
+++++++++++++++++++
FOOD SPOILAGE TEST
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from
what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is
spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away
perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps
you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good
indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
laboratory experiment.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball
should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick,
but it only works if you have a wife or a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you
open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
+++++++++++++++++++
Florida April 30th:Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is astate that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmyevenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket.It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. May 14th:Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in anair-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure tosee the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshiper. June 5th:Another scorcher today, but I love it here. Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of Palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! July 1st:The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where arethose ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it willtake a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have toremember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one ofthose fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for myhands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like. July 15th:Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lessonthough: got to respect the old sun in a climate like this. July 20th:I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. Bythe time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size ofa shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car nowsmells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat! July 25th:Ocean breezes, oh yeah sure. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on thefritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he neededto order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane. July 30th:Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swampmosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments and wecan't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th:100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 andgets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as muchas the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road.I hate this state. Aug 8th:If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tearhis head off. Dang heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator isboiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roastedGarfield!! Aug 10th:The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It'sbeen too hot for two months and the weatherman says it might reallywarm up next week. And whoever came up with the Statement, "it may be hot,but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion.Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place?? Aug 14th:Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack thewindow and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came tofix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the$1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Aug 30th:Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rainsfinally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove thedamned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly!The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you haveto worry about is getting mugged. I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 31st
The Perfect Husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in he room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by , the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing . The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him inastonishment. Then he asks: " Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 30th
It's My FuneralAs the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Longevity
At their 50th anniversary celebration, the husband was asked
the secret of their longevity.
"Well, we agreed in the beginning that if we ever got into a
fight, I would just take my hat and go for a walk. After a
while, I would return and throw my hat through the doorway.
If she threw it back, it was time to take another walk. So I
account my longevity to all the exercise I've gotten over
the years!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"A new study found that screeners at L.A. International
Airport missed 75 percent of the big bombs that were sent
through the line as tests. However, they did confiscate
100 percent of people's water bottles which forced them to
buy new ones at the airport gift shop." -Jay Leno
***
"Halloween is just around the corner. I'm all set, too. I
got up early this morning and tested the electric fence."
-David Letterman
***
"Yesterday FBI agents raided a Las Vegas warehouse owned by
magician David Copperfield. They seized nearly $2 million
in cash. Apparently the entire $2 million was in quarters
Copperfield pulled out of people's ears." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
The elderly husband and wife, both a little hard of hearing,
were watching golf on TV.
The husband turned to his wife of some 50 years and said,
"In my next life, I'm going to be rich and play all those
beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and
dancing areas."
The wife quickly responded, "How will you be able to manage
all that with your bad legs? You can barely walk!"
"I said, '..in my next life...,'" the husband replied.
"Oh," she said. "I thought you said, '..with my next wife!'"
+++++++++++++++++++
A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He
kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner
would have to drag him by his leash.
The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was just
creating for himself a bottomless pit!
+++++++++++++++++++
More New Old Sayings
- Don't byte off more than you can view. - Fax is stranger than fiction. - What boots up must come down. - Windows will never cease. - In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). - Virtual reality is its own reward. - Modulation in all things. - A user and his leisure time are soon parted. - There's no place like ( http://www.)home(.com) - Know what to expect before you connect. - Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. - Speed thrills. - Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cat Tails
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dog Cleaning
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Women Drivers
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
+++++++++++++++++++
Are They Cheating?Once upon a time long, long ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest.The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Vikings had caught 100 fish and the Packers had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Vikings had caught 200 fish and the Packers 0.That evening the Packers coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." So the next morning he dressed one of his players in purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?""They sure are!" the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice."
+++++++++++++++++++
"At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy
in the head and I should be committed to a mental institu-
tion. Why do women always want us to make a commitment?"
-Unknown
***
"When you get married and have a kid, you can't do all
those things you wanted to do as a young existentialist
of seventeen or eighteen... like kill yourself." -Al Rae
***
"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood
is that the first one was useless." -Nicholas Chamfort
+++++++++++++++++++
A lawyer sent an overdue bill notice to a client who had
fired him. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is
one year old!"
By return mail the lawyer got his bill back. To it was
attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After the birth of my son, a woman from the records depart-
ment stopped by my hospital room to get information for his
birth certificate.
"Father's date of birth?" she asked.
When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday
is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that
you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned
two a couple of days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my
hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband
a tie for his birthday."
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Longevity
At their 50th anniversary celebration, the husband was asked
the secret of their longevity.
"Well, we agreed in the beginning that if we ever got into a
fight, I would just take my hat and go for a walk. After a
while, I would return and throw my hat through the doorway.
If she threw it back, it was time to take another walk. So I
account my longevity to all the exercise I've gotten over
the years!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"A new study found that screeners at L.A. International
Airport missed 75 percent of the big bombs that were sent
through the line as tests. However, they did confiscate
100 percent of people's water bottles which forced them to
buy new ones at the airport gift shop." -Jay Leno
***
"Halloween is just around the corner. I'm all set, too. I
got up early this morning and tested the electric fence."
-David Letterman
***
"Yesterday FBI agents raided a Las Vegas warehouse owned by
magician David Copperfield. They seized nearly $2 million
in cash. Apparently the entire $2 million was in quarters
Copperfield pulled out of people's ears." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
The elderly husband and wife, both a little hard of hearing,
were watching golf on TV.
The husband turned to his wife of some 50 years and said,
"In my next life, I'm going to be rich and play all those
beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and
dancing areas."
The wife quickly responded, "How will you be able to manage
all that with your bad legs? You can barely walk!"
"I said, '..in my next life...,'" the husband replied.
"Oh," she said. "I thought you said, '..with my next wife!'"
+++++++++++++++++++
A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He
kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner
would have to drag him by his leash.
The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was just
creating for himself a bottomless pit!
+++++++++++++++++++
More New Old Sayings
- Don't byte off more than you can view. - Fax is stranger than fiction. - What boots up must come down. - Windows will never cease. - In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). - Virtual reality is its own reward. - Modulation in all things. - A user and his leisure time are soon parted. - There's no place like ( http://www.)home(.com) - Know what to expect before you connect. - Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. - Speed thrills. - Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cat Tails
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dog Cleaning
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Women Drivers
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
+++++++++++++++++++
Are They Cheating?Once upon a time long, long ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest.The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Vikings had caught 100 fish and the Packers had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Vikings had caught 200 fish and the Packers 0.That evening the Packers coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." So the next morning he dressed one of his players in purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?""They sure are!" the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice."
+++++++++++++++++++
"At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy
in the head and I should be committed to a mental institu-
tion. Why do women always want us to make a commitment?"
-Unknown
***
"When you get married and have a kid, you can't do all
those things you wanted to do as a young existentialist
of seventeen or eighteen... like kill yourself." -Al Rae
***
"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood
is that the first one was useless." -Nicholas Chamfort
+++++++++++++++++++
A lawyer sent an overdue bill notice to a client who had
fired him. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is
one year old!"
By return mail the lawyer got his bill back. To it was
attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After the birth of my son, a woman from the records depart-
ment stopped by my hospital room to get information for his
birth certificate.
"Father's date of birth?" she asked.
When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday
is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that
you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned
two a couple of days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my
hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband
a tie for his birthday."
Monday, October 29, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 29th
He was a young Pastor, and as usual, he was running late getting into town
and he was speeding. Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only
to see the lights of the Highway Patrol. Already late for church and
figuring he'd try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of
his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers
license.
Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, "You're a
Reverend huh?"
The young Pastor nodded in affirmation.
The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, "Well,
Reverend, I must say that the Bible on your dash is a nice touch, however,
your speedometer runneth over and you're getting a ticket anyway."
+++++++++++++++++++
My dog and I are working on a new product. It's a combination toilet bowl
cleaner and dog breath freshener.
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Last week, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to fight global warming. Congratulations to Al Gore. ... Not to be outdone, today the oil companies named President Bush 'Man of The Year.'" --Jay Leno "In a recent interview, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, said she believes there's a ghost in the White House. Then President Bush told her, 'No sweetheart, that's just your grandmother.'" --Conan O'Brien "They're saying that now Al Gore has won the Nobel prize, Al Gore has a huge international platform to fight global warming. Kind of sad. Today, he stepped on the platform and it collapsed." --Jay Leno "Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. ... This should make up for not getting 'The Price Is Right' job." --David Letterman "America's favorite professional restroom enthusiast, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, has agreed to be interviewed by 'Today Show''s Matt Lauer tomorrow night on NBC. Craig said he wanted to make this his first interview because he feels NBC -- and we're very flattered -- is a well respected news organization that deals fairly with their subjects. He also finds Matt Lauer dreamy. ... At Senator Craig's request, all questions will be scribbled on a piece of toilet paper and discreetly passed to him." --Jay Leno "According to an exclusive interview, Senator Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he's now in 'the toughest fight of his life.' Then Craig added, 'Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.'" --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Honest Lawyer?
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Bobby. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Danny," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Bobby. Danny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Bobby. "No, just the regular kind", replied Danny.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Old Sayings
- Anywhere you hang your @ is home. - The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail. - A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. - You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. - Great groups from little icons grow. - Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. - C:\ is the root of all directories. - Don't put all your hypes in one home page. - Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. - The modem is the message. - Too many clicks spoil the browse. - The geek shall inherit the earth. - A chat has nine lives.
+++++++++++++++++++
Last Wishes
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mayor Bloomberger wants to plant 1 million trees in New
York City. A million trees. They want to create a whole new
image for Manhattan. From now on, exploding steam pipes will
be called geysers." -David Letterman
***
"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama at the White House.
The Dalai Lama told Bush that he has seen evil first hand.
President Bush said, 'Great...you got to meet Vice President
Cheney.'" -Jay Leno
***
"The second annual Hip-Hop Awards were aired last night by
BET. I noticed a theme in the opening announcements: 'We've
got David Banner, Busta Rhymes, Lil' Boosie, Lil' Mama, Lil'
Kim, Lil' Jon, Lil' Italy, Lil' Debbie, Lil' Orphan Annie,
Lil' House on the Prairie...' It's a Lil' Palooza over there."
-Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled
to accommodate professional offices. One day he overheard
his receptionist giving directions over the phone. "Remember
the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll
find us in the meat department."
+++++++++++++++++++
When the graveside service had no more than just finished,
there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a
distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more
lightning.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Los Angeles
Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from
Denver to Los Angeles.
The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he
was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said.
"Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and
worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting
shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone
hates everyone else."
"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA
myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just
not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city,
anywhere in America."
"Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a
lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a
living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Procrastinator Handbook
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.
and he was speeding. Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only
to see the lights of the Highway Patrol. Already late for church and
figuring he'd try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of
his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers
license.
Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, "You're a
Reverend huh?"
The young Pastor nodded in affirmation.
The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, "Well,
Reverend, I must say that the Bible on your dash is a nice touch, however,
your speedometer runneth over and you're getting a ticket anyway."
+++++++++++++++++++
My dog and I are working on a new product. It's a combination toilet bowl
cleaner and dog breath freshener.
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Last week, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to fight global warming. Congratulations to Al Gore. ... Not to be outdone, today the oil companies named President Bush 'Man of The Year.'" --Jay Leno "In a recent interview, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, said she believes there's a ghost in the White House. Then President Bush told her, 'No sweetheart, that's just your grandmother.'" --Conan O'Brien "They're saying that now Al Gore has won the Nobel prize, Al Gore has a huge international platform to fight global warming. Kind of sad. Today, he stepped on the platform and it collapsed." --Jay Leno "Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. ... This should make up for not getting 'The Price Is Right' job." --David Letterman "America's favorite professional restroom enthusiast, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, has agreed to be interviewed by 'Today Show''s Matt Lauer tomorrow night on NBC. Craig said he wanted to make this his first interview because he feels NBC -- and we're very flattered -- is a well respected news organization that deals fairly with their subjects. He also finds Matt Lauer dreamy. ... At Senator Craig's request, all questions will be scribbled on a piece of toilet paper and discreetly passed to him." --Jay Leno "According to an exclusive interview, Senator Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he's now in 'the toughest fight of his life.' Then Craig added, 'Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.'" --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Honest Lawyer?
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Bobby. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Danny," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Bobby. Danny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Bobby. "No, just the regular kind", replied Danny.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Old Sayings
- Anywhere you hang your @ is home. - The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail. - A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. - You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. - Great groups from little icons grow. - Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. - C:\ is the root of all directories. - Don't put all your hypes in one home page. - Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. - The modem is the message. - Too many clicks spoil the browse. - The geek shall inherit the earth. - A chat has nine lives.
+++++++++++++++++++
Last Wishes
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mayor Bloomberger wants to plant 1 million trees in New
York City. A million trees. They want to create a whole new
image for Manhattan. From now on, exploding steam pipes will
be called geysers." -David Letterman
***
"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama at the White House.
The Dalai Lama told Bush that he has seen evil first hand.
President Bush said, 'Great...you got to meet Vice President
Cheney.'" -Jay Leno
***
"The second annual Hip-Hop Awards were aired last night by
BET. I noticed a theme in the opening announcements: 'We've
got David Banner, Busta Rhymes, Lil' Boosie, Lil' Mama, Lil'
Kim, Lil' Jon, Lil' Italy, Lil' Debbie, Lil' Orphan Annie,
Lil' House on the Prairie...' It's a Lil' Palooza over there."
-Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled
to accommodate professional offices. One day he overheard
his receptionist giving directions over the phone. "Remember
the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll
find us in the meat department."
+++++++++++++++++++
When the graveside service had no more than just finished,
there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a
distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more
lightning.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Los Angeles
Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from
Denver to Los Angeles.
The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he
was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said.
"Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and
worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting
shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone
hates everyone else."
"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA
myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just
not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city,
anywhere in America."
"Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a
lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a
living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Procrastinator Handbook
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
hUMOR For Oct. 28th
Physical Problems
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
+++++++++++++++++++
May-December Marriage
It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?" "Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me everything." "Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, "because I've forgotten."
+++++++++++++++++++
Do You Pray Before Eating?
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Sweet PotatoesEvery morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.One day she asked us for step by step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes - one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Real Funny News Headlines
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again - British Left Waffles on Falkland islands - Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms - Eye Drops off Shelf - Teacher Strikes Idle Kids - Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
+++++++++++++++++++
Baseball Heat
Q: Why does it get hot after baseball game? A: Because all the fans leave!
+++++++++++++++++++
Army Pianos
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.
+++++++++++++++++++
Just Ask Me
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
+++++++++++++++++++
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of
various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid.
Will it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin
won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in."
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled to accommodate
professional offices. One day he overheard his receptionist giving
directions over the phone.
"Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll find
us in the meat department."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I know that war is no laughing matter, but if it were, I would hope that
the president would have no problem ordering his generals to send in the
clowns." - Brad Simanek
+++++++++++++++++++
Work
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...
+++++++++++++++++++
Top Ten Reasons to Ask Your Boss For A Raise
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter. 9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance. 8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores. 7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps. 6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham. 5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons. 4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender." 3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota. 2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock. 1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Common Bum
Vernon Allen being the bum that he is ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."
+++++++++++++++++++
The banker fell overboard ...
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
+++++++++++++++++++
A girl asked her new seven-year-old neighbor, "What church do you go to?"
"I don't go to church," her playmate said. "I go to a temple. I'm Jewish."
"What's that?" asked the first little girl.
"You know there are Protestants, Catholics and Jews," the girl explained.
"They're are all just different ways of voting for God."
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
+++++++++++++++++++
May-December Marriage
It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?" "Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me everything." "Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, "because I've forgotten."
+++++++++++++++++++
Do You Pray Before Eating?
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Sweet PotatoesEvery morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.One day she asked us for step by step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes - one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Real Funny News Headlines
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again - British Left Waffles on Falkland islands - Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms - Eye Drops off Shelf - Teacher Strikes Idle Kids - Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
+++++++++++++++++++
Baseball Heat
Q: Why does it get hot after baseball game? A: Because all the fans leave!
+++++++++++++++++++
Army Pianos
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.
+++++++++++++++++++
Just Ask Me
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
+++++++++++++++++++
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of
various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid.
Will it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin
won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in."
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled to accommodate
professional offices. One day he overheard his receptionist giving
directions over the phone.
"Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll find
us in the meat department."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I know that war is no laughing matter, but if it were, I would hope that
the president would have no problem ordering his generals to send in the
clowns." - Brad Simanek
+++++++++++++++++++
Work
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...
+++++++++++++++++++
Top Ten Reasons to Ask Your Boss For A Raise
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter. 9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance. 8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores. 7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps. 6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham. 5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons. 4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender." 3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota. 2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock. 1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Common Bum
Vernon Allen being the bum that he is ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."
+++++++++++++++++++
The banker fell overboard ...
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
+++++++++++++++++++
A girl asked her new seven-year-old neighbor, "What church do you go to?"
"I don't go to church," her playmate said. "I go to a temple. I'm Jewish."
"What's that?" asked the first little girl.
"You know there are Protestants, Catholics and Jews," the girl explained.
"They're are all just different ways of voting for God."
Saturday, October 27, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 27th
I MAY HAVE USED THIS hUMOR EARLER, IF SO ENJOY IT THE SECOND TIME
Rookie Pitcher
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman follows her husband
A woman followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Child's Perspective on Retirement
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. "They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. "They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. "At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. "My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. "My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
"An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from the playground.
They're afraid that the game could affect children's self esteem. This also
could prevent the spread of 'kooties'." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
QuestionnaireAn Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number." --David Letterman "Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is now being accused of having oral sex at a train station. When asked about it, Craig said, 'What can I say? I love public transportation.'" --Conan O'Brien "Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled." --Jay Leno "Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.'" --Conan O'Brien "In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans." --Jay Leno "Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, "I Love Obama." Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered." --Conan O'Brien "Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode." --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Smoke Detector
The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
+++++++++++++++++++
Better Grades
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." - Johann Sebastian
Bach
+++++++++++++++++++
”Dead Horse Theory”
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course:
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pupil's Question"
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The world's full of apathy, but I don't care."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bird-Hater"
A bird-hater went to the beach with a pocket full of pebbles to throw at them.
He left no tern unstoned.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear
gas to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear
gas in New Jersey? Air freshener." -Jay Leno
***
"According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-
tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can."
-Dave Letterman
***
"It's been rumored that Britney Spears will appear on the
Emmy Awards to apologize for her performance on the MTV
Awards. Then Britney will appear on the Grammys to apologize
for her performance at the Emmys." -Conan O'Brien
Rookie Pitcher
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman follows her husband
A woman followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Child's Perspective on Retirement
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. "They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. "They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. "At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. "My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. "My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
"An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from the playground.
They're afraid that the game could affect children's self esteem. This also
could prevent the spread of 'kooties'." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
QuestionnaireAn Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number." --David Letterman "Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is now being accused of having oral sex at a train station. When asked about it, Craig said, 'What can I say? I love public transportation.'" --Conan O'Brien "Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled." --Jay Leno "Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.'" --Conan O'Brien "In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans." --Jay Leno "Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, "I Love Obama." Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered." --Conan O'Brien "Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode." --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Smoke Detector
The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
+++++++++++++++++++
Better Grades
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." - Johann Sebastian
Bach
+++++++++++++++++++
”Dead Horse Theory”
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course:
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pupil's Question"
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The world's full of apathy, but I don't care."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bird-Hater"
A bird-hater went to the beach with a pocket full of pebbles to throw at them.
He left no tern unstoned.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear
gas to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear
gas in New Jersey? Air freshener." -Jay Leno
***
"According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-
tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can."
-Dave Letterman
***
"It's been rumored that Britney Spears will appear on the
Emmy Awards to apologize for her performance on the MTV
Awards. Then Britney will appear on the Grammys to apologize
for her performance at the Emmys." -Conan O'Brien
Friday, October 26, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 26th
College Majors
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pick One
Our family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my
mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was
standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisle
one by one.
Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said,
"So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one
rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.
The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's
house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The
old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.
"Has she ever had a rope on her"?
"Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year!
The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As
soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted. In a dead run, she
pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the
mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped,
and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a
rope on her before!"
"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing."
+++++++++++++++++++
A red head and a blonde were walking along in a park one morning. Suddenly, I noticed
a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," I said sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My dog and I are working on a new product. It's a combination toilet bowl
cleaner and dog breath freshener.
+++++++++++++++++++
Zookeeper's DilemmaA zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."No, that won't work, he thought and tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
+++++++++++++++++++
What He Says - What He Means
- "I'm going fishing." Really means: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
- "It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
-"Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
- "Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear." Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
- "It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
- "We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
- "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
- "That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?"
- "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
- "I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
- "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
- "You look terrific." Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.
- "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
+++++++++++++++++++
"The New York City subway system announced that it will hire
350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the
number of workers cleaning the subway to 350." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The National Hobo Convention opened yesterday in Britt,
Iowa. Planned activities include a parade, a flea market
and a knife fight over a bottle of hooch." -Jay Leno
***
"The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning
he was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contri-
bution to peace, human rights, religious understanding...
unfortunately, a few hours after the ceremony, he was strip-
ped of his medal after testing positive for performance-
enhancing drugs." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of
Rutgers University.
The new flock of kids attending college always includes
those who need a little help with everyday chores they
themselves never did before, such as laundry or grocery-
shopping.
I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened
the carton to check them over before putting them in my
cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton...
then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing
of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The
personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one
broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
+++++++++++++++++++
Divorce vs. Murder
A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband at a fancy restauant, having dinner with the
pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,
that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never have children, only grandchildren." - Gore Vidal
+++++++++++++++++++
Hut-2-3-4....
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pick One
Our family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my
mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was
standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisle
one by one.
Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said,
"So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one
rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.
The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's
house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The
old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.
"Has she ever had a rope on her"?
"Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year!
The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As
soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted. In a dead run, she
pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the
mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped,
and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a
rope on her before!"
"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing."
+++++++++++++++++++
A red head and a blonde were walking along in a park one morning. Suddenly, I noticed
a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," I said sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My dog and I are working on a new product. It's a combination toilet bowl
cleaner and dog breath freshener.
+++++++++++++++++++
Zookeeper's DilemmaA zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."No, that won't work, he thought and tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
+++++++++++++++++++
What He Says - What He Means
- "I'm going fishing." Really means: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
- "It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
-"Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
- "Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear." Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
- "It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
- "We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
- "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
- "That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?"
- "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
- "I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
- "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
- "You look terrific." Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.
- "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
+++++++++++++++++++
"The New York City subway system announced that it will hire
350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the
number of workers cleaning the subway to 350." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The National Hobo Convention opened yesterday in Britt,
Iowa. Planned activities include a parade, a flea market
and a knife fight over a bottle of hooch." -Jay Leno
***
"The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning
he was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contri-
bution to peace, human rights, religious understanding...
unfortunately, a few hours after the ceremony, he was strip-
ped of his medal after testing positive for performance-
enhancing drugs." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of
Rutgers University.
The new flock of kids attending college always includes
those who need a little help with everyday chores they
themselves never did before, such as laundry or grocery-
shopping.
I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened
the carton to check them over before putting them in my
cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton...
then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing
of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The
personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one
broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
+++++++++++++++++++
Divorce vs. Murder
A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband at a fancy restauant, having dinner with the
pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,
that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never have children, only grandchildren." - Gore Vidal
+++++++++++++++++++
Hut-2-3-4....
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
Thursday, October 25, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 25th
+++++++++++++++++++
Discussion
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
+++++++++++++++++++
Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Good Eyes
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up. "My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
+++++++++++++++++++
OkraEverything you always suspected but could never get confirmed by a reputable news source."The Shocking Truth About Okra!"©1987, 2007 by Joe Hickman, editor and Doctor of OkraIt is a well-known fact that common garden insects will NOT eat okra. Neither will uncommon garden insects. That should tell you something.Some say okra is a vegetable; others say it's a fruit. Most people can't recall ever having said anything at all about okra. Except possibly, "Are those legless geckos sleeping near my mashed potatoes?"Even people who don't eat okra may find it useful -- for example, as a green plumb-bob for a vegetarian architect.A pod of okra on a gold chain makes an excellent conversation piece. You can tell everyone that's it's an Elk's tooth -- with plaque.Okra can be boiled, fried, steamed, or pickled. But no matter what you do to it, it still tastes exactly like okra.Remember, boiled okra is so slippery, you may think you're swallowing little green oysters.Consuming fried okra north of the Mason-Dixon line is considered gastric perversion and may lead close friends to refer to you as "magnolia breath."You campers will be happy to hear that dried okra makes great bio-degradable tent stakes.Please beware of the Great Okra Swindle. Certain unethical supermarkets are painting okra yellow and attempting to sell it as miniature Peruvian bananas. You can sure tell the difference in a banana pudding.Tom's note:For the curious, a picture of Okra can be found at this address:http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.fruits-vegetables-spices.com/lagre_vegetables/baby_okra.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.fruits-vegetables-spices.com/babyokra(bhindi).htm&h=278&w=245&sz=19&tbnid=78Ka4IuKVqGrCM:&tbnh=114&tbnw=100&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dokra%2Bphoto%26um%3D1&start=2&sa=X&oi=images&ct=image&cd=2+
+++++++++++++++++++
"There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. What
would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I
need some Space Mountain." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the
Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said,
'Who's the bald chick in the dress?'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"Campaign news: Hillary Clinton, so far, has raised $35
million in three months. That's the most money raised by
any woman if you don't count what Oprah has made since
March." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's
Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests
near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made
some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about
the conditions we might run into, we drove on.
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain
Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles
farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles." The next one
was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.
We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery,
and it read: "Ice 75 cents."
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite
friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who
had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,
with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship
might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age
difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He
looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone
who's 104?'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Morris and his Rabbi
Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent." "What was the sin?" the rabbi asked. "It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread." "Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?" "I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant." The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?" "I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed." "And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked. Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."
+++++++++++++++++++
Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. - Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. - A harp is a nude piano. - Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. - I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. - My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. - Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. - Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
Discussion
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
+++++++++++++++++++
Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Good Eyes
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up. "My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
+++++++++++++++++++
OkraEverything you always suspected but could never get confirmed by a reputable news source."The Shocking Truth About Okra!"©1987, 2007 by Joe Hickman, editor and Doctor of OkraIt is a well-known fact that common garden insects will NOT eat okra. Neither will uncommon garden insects. That should tell you something.Some say okra is a vegetable; others say it's a fruit. Most people can't recall ever having said anything at all about okra. Except possibly, "Are those legless geckos sleeping near my mashed potatoes?"Even people who don't eat okra may find it useful -- for example, as a green plumb-bob for a vegetarian architect.A pod of okra on a gold chain makes an excellent conversation piece. You can tell everyone that's it's an Elk's tooth -- with plaque.Okra can be boiled, fried, steamed, or pickled. But no matter what you do to it, it still tastes exactly like okra.Remember, boiled okra is so slippery, you may think you're swallowing little green oysters.Consuming fried okra north of the Mason-Dixon line is considered gastric perversion and may lead close friends to refer to you as "magnolia breath."You campers will be happy to hear that dried okra makes great bio-degradable tent stakes.Please beware of the Great Okra Swindle. Certain unethical supermarkets are painting okra yellow and attempting to sell it as miniature Peruvian bananas. You can sure tell the difference in a banana pudding.Tom's note:For the curious, a picture of Okra can be found at this address:http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.fruits-vegetables-spices.com/lagre_vegetables/baby_okra.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.fruits-vegetables-spices.com/babyokra(bhindi).htm&h=278&w=245&sz=19&tbnid=78Ka4IuKVqGrCM:&tbnh=114&tbnw=100&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dokra%2Bphoto%26um%3D1&start=2&sa=X&oi=images&ct=image&cd=2+
+++++++++++++++++++
"There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. What
would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I
need some Space Mountain." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the
Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said,
'Who's the bald chick in the dress?'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"Campaign news: Hillary Clinton, so far, has raised $35
million in three months. That's the most money raised by
any woman if you don't count what Oprah has made since
March." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's
Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests
near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made
some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about
the conditions we might run into, we drove on.
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain
Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles
farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles." The next one
was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.
We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery,
and it read: "Ice 75 cents."
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite
friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who
had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,
with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship
might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age
difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He
looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone
who's 104?'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Morris and his Rabbi
Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent." "What was the sin?" the rabbi asked. "It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread." "Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?" "I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant." The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?" "I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed." "And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked. Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."
+++++++++++++++++++
Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. - Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. - A harp is a nude piano. - Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. - I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. - My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. - Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. - Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 24th
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely
+++++++++++++++++++
"Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen"
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Secret: What we tell everybody to tell nobody."- Ambrose Bierce
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Manners" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence, she replied, "And that's my husband--the fat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
Personal Injury LawyerI was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. I called them and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train station to your office?""When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the sidewalk and start yelling. Someone from our office will be along shortly."
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing The Part
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for 20 years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Also winning a Nobel Prize was a scientist who won an award
for chemistry. He won the award for understanding how iron
rusts. There’s a cocktail party you don’t want to miss."
-Jay Leno
***
"Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in New York
City. Well, we need more trees, because currently, squirrels
have to wait until another squirrel dies before they can move
into a tree." -David Letterman
***
"This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on 'The View.'
It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said,
Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.'" -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our
vacations, in British Columbia. In those days all Canadians
appreciated their American neighbors. We had a favorite
place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was
at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide.
While we were around our campfire in the evening the local
Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They
would also tell of the Legends of the area. This one Legend
always stuck in my mind.
It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes
made their homes. They were, however, at war, with one
another from years before.
There was an Indian Maiden in one Camp who was in love with
a young Brave in the other Camp. They used to stand, on the
shore, each on their respective side of the Lake, and chant
Indian love calls to each other...even though they were
warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever come of it.
One day they just could not stand being apart any longer.
That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped into
the Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight. When
they reached each other in the center of the Lake, they
embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act so im-
pressed the Brave's Tribe that they named the Lake after the
young man.
I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent
at "Lake Stupid".
+++++++++++++++++++
Mushroom-Smothered Steak
Five couples in a neighborhood decided to get together on a
regular basis and socialize. As a result, they formed a
dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different
neighbors' house each month.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the
dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to
outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best
that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook
and decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. When she went
to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price was
far more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband,
"I think we aren't going to have mushrooms because they are
too expensive."
He said , "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick
some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in
the creek bed."
She said, "No, I have heard that wild mushrooms can be
poisonous."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating
them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try
and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and
picked some mushrooms. She brought them back home and
washed, sliced, and diced them to get them ready to go over
her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and
got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double
handful, putting a mess of bacon grease on them to make them
tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every
bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild
mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use
them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady
she knew from town to come out and help her serve. She had
on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first
class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick
back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the
women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen
and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot
just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After
she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him
what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but being
this early we can take care of it. I will call for an
ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can. We'll give
everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.
Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep
them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren
as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got
there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and
a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One
by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave
them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last
one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think
everything will be fine now," and he left. They looked
pretty peaked sitting around the living room.
About that time, the hired lady from town came in and said,
"You know, I think the fellow that drove the ambulance looks
just like the one who ran over Spot an hour ago, but he
didn't stop so I can't be certain."
+++++++++++++++++++
Helmsman Training
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen"
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Secret: What we tell everybody to tell nobody."- Ambrose Bierce
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Manners" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence, she replied, "And that's my husband--the fat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
Personal Injury LawyerI was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. I called them and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train station to your office?""When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the sidewalk and start yelling. Someone from our office will be along shortly."
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing The Part
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for 20 years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Also winning a Nobel Prize was a scientist who won an award
for chemistry. He won the award for understanding how iron
rusts. There’s a cocktail party you don’t want to miss."
-Jay Leno
***
"Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in New York
City. Well, we need more trees, because currently, squirrels
have to wait until another squirrel dies before they can move
into a tree." -David Letterman
***
"This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on 'The View.'
It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said,
Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.'" -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our
vacations, in British Columbia. In those days all Canadians
appreciated their American neighbors. We had a favorite
place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was
at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide.
While we were around our campfire in the evening the local
Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They
would also tell of the Legends of the area. This one Legend
always stuck in my mind.
It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes
made their homes. They were, however, at war, with one
another from years before.
There was an Indian Maiden in one Camp who was in love with
a young Brave in the other Camp. They used to stand, on the
shore, each on their respective side of the Lake, and chant
Indian love calls to each other...even though they were
warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever come of it.
One day they just could not stand being apart any longer.
That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped into
the Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight. When
they reached each other in the center of the Lake, they
embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act so im-
pressed the Brave's Tribe that they named the Lake after the
young man.
I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent
at "Lake Stupid".
+++++++++++++++++++
Mushroom-Smothered Steak
Five couples in a neighborhood decided to get together on a
regular basis and socialize. As a result, they formed a
dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different
neighbors' house each month.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the
dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to
outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best
that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook
and decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. When she went
to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price was
far more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband,
"I think we aren't going to have mushrooms because they are
too expensive."
He said , "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick
some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in
the creek bed."
She said, "No, I have heard that wild mushrooms can be
poisonous."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating
them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try
and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and
picked some mushrooms. She brought them back home and
washed, sliced, and diced them to get them ready to go over
her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and
got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double
handful, putting a mess of bacon grease on them to make them
tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every
bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild
mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use
them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady
she knew from town to come out and help her serve. She had
on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first
class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick
back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the
women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen
and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot
just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After
she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him
what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but being
this early we can take care of it. I will call for an
ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can. We'll give
everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.
Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep
them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren
as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got
there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and
a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One
by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave
them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last
one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think
everything will be fine now," and he left. They looked
pretty peaked sitting around the living room.
About that time, the hired lady from town came in and said,
"You know, I think the fellow that drove the ambulance looks
just like the one who ran over Spot an hour ago, but he
didn't stop so I can't be certain."
+++++++++++++++++++
Helmsman Training
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 23rd
PRESSED COFFEE DIRECTIONS
1. Run water through Espresso pot.
2. Grind ? tablespoons of beans **COURSE**
3. Nuke water until it boils, let sit for 5 seconds.
4. Measure 8 level tablespoons of grounds into maker.
5. Pour water into pressed coffee maker.
6. Stir ground and water.
7. Let stand 4 minutes.
8. S L O W L Y press plunger down.
9. Be sure safety lid is open and pour coffee into
thermos.
1. Run water through Espresso pot.
2. Grind ? tablespoons of beans **COURSE**
3. Nuke water until it boils, let sit for 5 seconds.
4. Measure 8 level tablespoons of grounds into maker.
5. Pour water into pressed coffee maker.
6. Stir ground and water.
7. Let stand 4 minutes.
8. S L O W L Y press plunger down.
9. Be sure safety lid is open and pour coffee into
thermos.
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