Sign Language
"A pedestrian is a person who should be seen and not hurt."
"Customers who think the waiter is rude should see the
manager."
"Sorry to needle you. We need your blood."
On a college president's door: "Closed. If it's something
important, see the custodian."
Municipal golf course sign: "Please don't find lost balls
until they stop rolling."
New Jersey tourist sign: "Come to beautiful Atlantic City
and see the bored walk."
Sign in a nut shop: "No credit cards here. Strictly cashew
and carry."
By some bananas in a fruit store: "Please don't tear us
apart. We grew up together."
In a barbershop window: "Cutting out for lunch."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie & the Devil
A Sunday school teacher asked Little Vernie, "Do you believe in the Devil?" "No," said Little Vernie. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."
+++++++++++++++++++
A witness to an automobile accident
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?” The witness: “Yes, sir.” The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?” The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.” The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?” The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Barbies
A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."
+++++++++++++++++++
Keeping Up
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "No! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here - see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out - I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Millionaire Refund
Millionaire Refund
A man bought a ticket and won the State lottery. He went to the State Capital to claim his prize and the clerk verified his ticket number.
The winner said, "I want my $20 million."
The clerk replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The man began to get upset and said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the clerk tried to explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The winner, furious with the clerk, screamed out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
+++++++++++++++++++
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Puzzled? Hmmm - I didn't get one, either!
+++++++++++++++++++
Learning ColorsLittle Vernie had learned his colors yet, so his teacher decided to test him. The teacher would point out something and ask what color it was. Vernie would his teacher , and always he was correct. But it was fun, so his teacher continued. At last Vernie headed for the door and said, "Mrs. Rath, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans
said they'd rather have Bill Clinton as their father than
President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away
with a lot more, don't you think? 'Look, I won't mention
you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home
late.'" --Jay Leno
***
"Last week President Bush created the world's largest pro-
tected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands
National Monument. It contains sea life that has inspired
some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart
***
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl
would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it
stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.
By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." --Gene Perret
+++++++++++++++++++
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 19th
My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office to get
our marriage license. After recording the vital information;
names, dates of birth, etc. the clerk handed me our license
and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."
+++++++++++++++++++
Help Is On The WayMy friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the computer workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently
mislaid by a co-worker. She sent the following email: "If
anybody can say where they lost $70, please let me know and
it will be returned to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2001."
+++++++++++++++++++
Heart Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running."
+++++++++++++++++++
911
911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the dispatcher asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Things To Ponder
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up." - Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"? - You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. - A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards? - The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed! - A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: "This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. ... Violators Will Be Toad."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiss per Yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle,
my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was
terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him
calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As a new employee for a discount brokerage firm, I went for a month of
classroom training. Warning us about the volume of information we were
required to memorize, one trainer suggested we make lots of notes on file
cards.
When I completed the course, I was assigned to a team where, as suggested, I
taped all the file cards, crammed with notes, onto my computer.
On my first day of trading, a veteran broker sat with me. He immediately
noticed all the cards, and my apprehension, so he promptly made up a new
card, which he taped to my computer.
It read "Breathe."
+++++++++++++++++++
"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife." -
Daniel Boone
+++++++++++++++++++
Census Taker
An elderly man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What are you selling young man?" he asked.
"I'm not selling anything," the young man said. I'm a census taker."
"A what?" the older man asked.
"A census taker... We are trying to find out how many people are in this country."
"Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea."
+++++++++++++++++++
Note PadWith four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a survey by Playboy magazine, three percent of
women can't remember their natural hair color. You know what
you call these women? Blondes." -Jay Leno
***
"This week, President Bush met with Chinese President Hu
Jintao, and Hu invited Bush to the 2008 Summer Olympics in
China. Bush told the president, 'I'm busy next year, but
pencil me in for 2009.'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"If I seem distracted, it's because I'm busy planning for
the first Sunday of football. I've dropped my kids off at
the orphanage this morning. I'll pick them up in February,
just after the pro bowl." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in
rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when
a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the
trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers
explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.
They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming
toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she
said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench
crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"
our marriage license. After recording the vital information;
names, dates of birth, etc. the clerk handed me our license
and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."
+++++++++++++++++++
Help Is On The WayMy friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the computer workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently
mislaid by a co-worker. She sent the following email: "If
anybody can say where they lost $70, please let me know and
it will be returned to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2001."
+++++++++++++++++++
Heart Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running."
+++++++++++++++++++
911
911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the dispatcher asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Things To Ponder
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up." - Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"? - You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. - A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards? - The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed! - A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: "This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. ... Violators Will Be Toad."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kiss per Yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle,
my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was
terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him
calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As a new employee for a discount brokerage firm, I went for a month of
classroom training. Warning us about the volume of information we were
required to memorize, one trainer suggested we make lots of notes on file
cards.
When I completed the course, I was assigned to a team where, as suggested, I
taped all the file cards, crammed with notes, onto my computer.
On my first day of trading, a veteran broker sat with me. He immediately
noticed all the cards, and my apprehension, so he promptly made up a new
card, which he taped to my computer.
It read "Breathe."
+++++++++++++++++++
"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife." -
Daniel Boone
+++++++++++++++++++
Census Taker
An elderly man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What are you selling young man?" he asked.
"I'm not selling anything," the young man said. I'm a census taker."
"A what?" the older man asked.
"A census taker... We are trying to find out how many people are in this country."
"Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea."
+++++++++++++++++++
Note PadWith four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a survey by Playboy magazine, three percent of
women can't remember their natural hair color. You know what
you call these women? Blondes." -Jay Leno
***
"This week, President Bush met with Chinese President Hu
Jintao, and Hu invited Bush to the 2008 Summer Olympics in
China. Bush told the president, 'I'm busy next year, but
pencil me in for 2009.'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"If I seem distracted, it's because I'm busy planning for
the first Sunday of football. I've dropped my kids off at
the orphanage this morning. I'll pick them up in February,
just after the pro bowl." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in
rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when
a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the
trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers
explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.
They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming
toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she
said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench
crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"
Monday, September 17, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 17th
Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who helped
me with chores around the house.
One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We
thought it would take about an hour, but the task turned into an
all-day job.
"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.
"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think
of me as the son you never had."
+++++++++++++++++++
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was
filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night,
stopping only occasionally for something to eat.
He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he
thought about least of all was his rent.
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the
three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the
verge of making some sales."
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last
month. You won't get another day's credit from me."
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some day this
loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for
it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and
whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say
it tomorrow morning."
+++++++++++++++++++
"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get
a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean-
then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a
package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small
children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right
next to the rest of the poisons." - Mike Bullard
+++++++++++++++++++
He can't hit my fastball ...
Before a series, St. Louis manager Frankie Frisch instructed his pitching staff to avoid throwing Brooklyn's Tony Cuccinello a fastball. Dizzy Dean objected. "He can't hit my fastball." He begged Frisch to let him throw Cuccinello a fastball. Frisch refused. Finally with the game in hand, he relented. Dean threw Cuccinello a fastball. Cuccinello hit it out of the park. Dean turned to Frisch. "By gosh, Frankie. You were right for once."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Atheist and the Shark
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vermont Dumb Laws
- Whistling underwater is illegal - At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. - Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. - It is illegal to deny the existence of God - Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Britney Spears was in the news again. She was having
difficulty starting her car outside a nightclub while in
a valet line. The main problem is, you can't start a car
with a Cheeto." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"There is a law waiting approval in the California
legislature to ban spanking. The ironic part if put into
place the fine for spanking will be a slap on the wrist."
-Jay Leno
***
"World Cup soccer fans in Germany are estimated at drinking
17 pints of beer per day. Apparently after 17 beers soccer
becomes interesting." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an-
nouncement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees
are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children
under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.
Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will
you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep
in Daddy's room."
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."
+++++++++++++++++++
Short & Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring
enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please
leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your
call, you are one of the changes."
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your
glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of
an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud
slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the
country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird
flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time
to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" - Jay Leno
me with chores around the house.
One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We
thought it would take about an hour, but the task turned into an
all-day job.
"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.
"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think
of me as the son you never had."
+++++++++++++++++++
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was
filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night,
stopping only occasionally for something to eat.
He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he
thought about least of all was his rent.
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the
three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the
verge of making some sales."
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last
month. You won't get another day's credit from me."
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some day this
loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for
it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and
whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say
it tomorrow morning."
+++++++++++++++++++
"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get
a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean-
then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a
package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small
children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right
next to the rest of the poisons." - Mike Bullard
+++++++++++++++++++
He can't hit my fastball ...
Before a series, St. Louis manager Frankie Frisch instructed his pitching staff to avoid throwing Brooklyn's Tony Cuccinello a fastball. Dizzy Dean objected. "He can't hit my fastball." He begged Frisch to let him throw Cuccinello a fastball. Frisch refused. Finally with the game in hand, he relented. Dean threw Cuccinello a fastball. Cuccinello hit it out of the park. Dean turned to Frisch. "By gosh, Frankie. You were right for once."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Atheist and the Shark
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vermont Dumb Laws
- Whistling underwater is illegal - At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. - Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. - It is illegal to deny the existence of God - Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Britney Spears was in the news again. She was having
difficulty starting her car outside a nightclub while in
a valet line. The main problem is, you can't start a car
with a Cheeto." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"There is a law waiting approval in the California
legislature to ban spanking. The ironic part if put into
place the fine for spanking will be a slap on the wrist."
-Jay Leno
***
"World Cup soccer fans in Germany are estimated at drinking
17 pints of beer per day. Apparently after 17 beers soccer
becomes interesting." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an-
nouncement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees
are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children
under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.
Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will
you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep
in Daddy's room."
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."
+++++++++++++++++++
Short & Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring
enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please
leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your
call, you are one of the changes."
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your
glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of
an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud
slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the
country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird
flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time
to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" - Jay Leno
Sunday, September 16, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 16th
One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit a friend at work.
Everyone there knew her, and she was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as
one of the employees went to make more coffee, her son followed her and
asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.
Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow! You know how to
make beer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Leona Helmsley passed away a couple of weeks ago and left $12 million to
her dog. Big deal. Trump is leaving $50 million to that thing on his
head." - Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Politically Correct Dictionary
vertically challenged: short
horizontally gifted : fat
horizontally challenged : thin
chronologically gifted : old
intellectually impaired : stupid
living impaired : dead
romantically challenged : not with somebody at the moment
morally differently-brained : stupid
follically independent : bald
musically delayed : tone deaf
genetically discriminating : racist
codependent : finger-pointer
in recovery : drunk/junkie
in denial : unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened
constructivist feminist psychotherapy : psychobabble
economically disadvantaged : welfare bum
target equity group : vocal minority
sanitation engineer : garbage man
certified astrological consultant : crackpot
certified crystal therapist : crackpot
certified past-life regression hypnotist : crackpot
ontologically challenged : fictional or mythological
the absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional infinity of reality : white male
people of height : too tall
gravitationally challenged : fat
other-aged : too old/young (dual purpose)
environmentally correct human : dead
humor-challenged : Nit-picky
motivationally challenged : lazy
outdoor urban dwellers : homeless
monetarily challenged : poor
facially challenged : ugly
visually challenged : blind
nasally gifted : runny nose
verbally challenged : mute, dumb
socially challenged : geek, nerd
cyclically challenged : having PMS
caucasian culturally disadvantaged : white trash
rhythmically challenged : white boy
financially inept : poor
osmotically challenged : thirsty
aquatically challenged : drowning
+++++++++++++++++++
Naval JargonJim was a just out of boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary." The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck; that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead; that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion; that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttlebutt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window over there."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Anybody go back to school today? It's tough. I had to take
my son back to school today and I walked through the door
and the teacher there says, 'It's so nice to see the grand-
parents involved.'" -David Letterman
***
"In Mississippi, a Taco Bell restaurant had to close after
employees found a snake in the restaurant. Witnesses at the
Taco Bell said it was the first time they've ever seen a
snake with diarrhea." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Fred Thompson officially announced his candidacy for
president today. Here's why Fred Thompson is not going to
be our president: America's not going to pick a first lady
that looks like she runs a tanning salon." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
When I worked as a technical-support specialist for a com-
puter company, customer help calls ranged from the mundane
to the bizarre.
One memorable problem I had to trouble-shoot came from a
man who complained that every time he flushed his toilet,
his computer would reboot.
It turned out that he lived in a rural area with water
supplied by a well with an electric pump. Every time he
flushed, it would turn on the pump, causing a dip in the
electric power, which in turn would cause the computer
to restart itself.
+++++++++++++++++++
It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a
prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas
gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the
wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is
apprehended by a policeman.
He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman
that he can't be arrested.
The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law
states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."
+++++++++++++++++++
Live to 100
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to
move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see
her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how
she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints --
this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to
start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied,
"Anyone who's 99."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were boasting to each other ...
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
+++++++++++++++++++
Baptism
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
+++++++++++++++++++
A banker decided to get his first tailor made suit
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The story of a very short man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
Everyone there knew her, and she was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as
one of the employees went to make more coffee, her son followed her and
asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.
Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow! You know how to
make beer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Leona Helmsley passed away a couple of weeks ago and left $12 million to
her dog. Big deal. Trump is leaving $50 million to that thing on his
head." - Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Politically Correct Dictionary
vertically challenged: short
horizontally gifted : fat
horizontally challenged : thin
chronologically gifted : old
intellectually impaired : stupid
living impaired : dead
romantically challenged : not with somebody at the moment
morally differently-brained : stupid
follically independent : bald
musically delayed : tone deaf
genetically discriminating : racist
codependent : finger-pointer
in recovery : drunk/junkie
in denial : unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened
constructivist feminist psychotherapy : psychobabble
economically disadvantaged : welfare bum
target equity group : vocal minority
sanitation engineer : garbage man
certified astrological consultant : crackpot
certified crystal therapist : crackpot
certified past-life regression hypnotist : crackpot
ontologically challenged : fictional or mythological
the absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional infinity of reality : white male
people of height : too tall
gravitationally challenged : fat
other-aged : too old/young (dual purpose)
environmentally correct human : dead
humor-challenged : Nit-picky
motivationally challenged : lazy
outdoor urban dwellers : homeless
monetarily challenged : poor
facially challenged : ugly
visually challenged : blind
nasally gifted : runny nose
verbally challenged : mute, dumb
socially challenged : geek, nerd
cyclically challenged : having PMS
caucasian culturally disadvantaged : white trash
rhythmically challenged : white boy
financially inept : poor
osmotically challenged : thirsty
aquatically challenged : drowning
+++++++++++++++++++
Naval JargonJim was a just out of boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary." The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck; that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead; that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion; that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttlebutt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window over there."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Anybody go back to school today? It's tough. I had to take
my son back to school today and I walked through the door
and the teacher there says, 'It's so nice to see the grand-
parents involved.'" -David Letterman
***
"In Mississippi, a Taco Bell restaurant had to close after
employees found a snake in the restaurant. Witnesses at the
Taco Bell said it was the first time they've ever seen a
snake with diarrhea." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Fred Thompson officially announced his candidacy for
president today. Here's why Fred Thompson is not going to
be our president: America's not going to pick a first lady
that looks like she runs a tanning salon." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
When I worked as a technical-support specialist for a com-
puter company, customer help calls ranged from the mundane
to the bizarre.
One memorable problem I had to trouble-shoot came from a
man who complained that every time he flushed his toilet,
his computer would reboot.
It turned out that he lived in a rural area with water
supplied by a well with an electric pump. Every time he
flushed, it would turn on the pump, causing a dip in the
electric power, which in turn would cause the computer
to restart itself.
+++++++++++++++++++
It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a
prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas
gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the
wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is
apprehended by a policeman.
He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman
that he can't be arrested.
The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law
states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."
+++++++++++++++++++
Live to 100
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to
move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see
her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how
she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints --
this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to
start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied,
"Anyone who's 99."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were boasting to each other ...
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
+++++++++++++++++++
Baptism
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
+++++++++++++++++++
A banker decided to get his first tailor made suit
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The story of a very short man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
Friday, September 14, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 14th
Spouse Comparisons
A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked: "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Sermon Comment"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's great invention had been directed at printing only comic books."- Robert M. Hutchins
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Eyes of Love" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My mother's friend joined Weight Watchers, and the other day when she was getting ready to go to the weekly meeting her little grandson asked her where she was going. She said she was going to her fat club.
When she got back home her grandson said, "Well Grandma, are you fat yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing
a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth
control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The
good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."
--Jay Leno
***
A man went to a zoo but all it had was a dog.
It was a Shitzu.
***
My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth
on vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every
minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair
on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is
costing us $300 a day - and you sit there reading a book!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be
passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other
if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that
would be good, but that she would feel uncomfortable about
purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it
and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said,
"The beer is for washing our hair."
The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the
beer. "Here you go, sister," she said, "don't forget the
curlers."
+++++++++++++++++++
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back
was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait
till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my
mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if
he's not on it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Window SeatsAt the airport check-in counter I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband.The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together."Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Insufficient Funds
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
+++++++++++++++++++
No Sound Support
I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information. So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way. Almost. Saleswoman: “Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?” Customer: “What exactly does a ‘modem with no sound support’ mean?” Saleswoman: “It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it.” Customer: “What does the modem have to do with that?” Saleswoman: “Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet.” Customer: “So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?” Saleswoman: “Yes.” Customer: “How does it accomplish this feat?” Saleswoman: “I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold.” I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.
+++++++++++++++++++
Overheard in a computer shop...
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
+++++++++++++++++++
Bow Shot
Lawyer: “Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?” Defendant: “I didn't want to wake up the children.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Collection Plate
Little Vernie in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Car Sale"
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic.Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked: "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Sermon Comment"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's great invention had been directed at printing only comic books."- Robert M. Hutchins
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Eyes of Love" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My mother's friend joined Weight Watchers, and the other day when she was getting ready to go to the weekly meeting her little grandson asked her where she was going. She said she was going to her fat club.
When she got back home her grandson said, "Well Grandma, are you fat yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing
a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth
control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The
good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."
--Jay Leno
***
A man went to a zoo but all it had was a dog.
It was a Shitzu.
***
My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth
on vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every
minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair
on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is
costing us $300 a day - and you sit there reading a book!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be
passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other
if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that
would be good, but that she would feel uncomfortable about
purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it
and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said,
"The beer is for washing our hair."
The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the
beer. "Here you go, sister," she said, "don't forget the
curlers."
+++++++++++++++++++
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back
was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait
till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my
mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if
he's not on it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Window SeatsAt the airport check-in counter I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband.The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together."Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Insufficient Funds
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
+++++++++++++++++++
No Sound Support
I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information. So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way. Almost. Saleswoman: “Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?” Customer: “What exactly does a ‘modem with no sound support’ mean?” Saleswoman: “It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it.” Customer: “What does the modem have to do with that?” Saleswoman: “Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet.” Customer: “So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?” Saleswoman: “Yes.” Customer: “How does it accomplish this feat?” Saleswoman: “I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold.” I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.
+++++++++++++++++++
Overheard in a computer shop...
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
+++++++++++++++++++
Bow Shot
Lawyer: “Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?” Defendant: “I didn't want to wake up the children.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Collection Plate
Little Vernie in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Car Sale"
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic.Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Thursday, September 13, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 13th
Spouse Comparisons
A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked: "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Sermon Comment"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's great invention had been directed at printing only comic books."- Robert M. Hutchins
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Eyes of Love" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My mother's friend joined Weight Watchers, and the other day when she was getting ready to go to the weekly meeting her little grandson asked her where she was going. She said she was going to her fat club.
When she got back home her grandson said, "Well Grandma, are you fat yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing
a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth
control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The
good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."
--Jay Leno
***
A man went to a zoo but all it had was a dog.
It was a Shitzu.
***
My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth
on vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every
minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair
on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is
costing us $300 a day - and you sit there reading a book!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be
passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other
if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that
would be good, but that she would feel uncomfortable about
purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it
and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said,
"The beer is for washing our hair."
The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the
beer. "Here you go, sister," she said, "don't forget the
curlers."
+++++++++++++++++++
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back
was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait
till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my
mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if
he's not on it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Window SeatsAt the airport check-in counter I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband.The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together."Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Insufficient Funds
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
+++++++++++++++++++
No Sound Support
I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information. So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way. Almost. Saleswoman: “Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?” Customer: “What exactly does a ‘modem with no sound support’ mean?” Saleswoman: “It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it.” Customer: “What does the modem have to do with that?” Saleswoman: “Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet.” Customer: “So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?” Saleswoman: “Yes.” Customer: “How does it accomplish this feat?” Saleswoman: “I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold.” I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.
+++++++++++++++++++
Overheard in a computer shop...
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
+++++++++++++++++++
Bow Shot
Lawyer: “Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?” Defendant: “I didn't want to wake up the children.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Collection Plate
Little Vernie in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Car Sale"
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic.Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked: "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Sermon Comment"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's great invention had been directed at printing only comic books."- Robert M. Hutchins
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Eyes of Love" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My mother's friend joined Weight Watchers, and the other day when she was getting ready to go to the weekly meeting her little grandson asked her where she was going. She said she was going to her fat club.
When she got back home her grandson said, "Well Grandma, are you fat yet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing
a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth
control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The
good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."
--Jay Leno
***
A man went to a zoo but all it had was a dog.
It was a Shitzu.
***
My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth
on vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every
minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair
on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is
costing us $300 a day - and you sit there reading a book!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be
passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other
if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that
would be good, but that she would feel uncomfortable about
purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it
and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said,
"The beer is for washing our hair."
The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the
beer. "Here you go, sister," she said, "don't forget the
curlers."
+++++++++++++++++++
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back
was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait
till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my
mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if
he's not on it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Window SeatsAt the airport check-in counter I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband.The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together."Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Insufficient Funds
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
+++++++++++++++++++
No Sound Support
I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information. So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way. Almost. Saleswoman: “Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?” Customer: “What exactly does a ‘modem with no sound support’ mean?” Saleswoman: “It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it.” Customer: “What does the modem have to do with that?” Saleswoman: “Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet.” Customer: “So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?” Saleswoman: “Yes.” Customer: “How does it accomplish this feat?” Saleswoman: “I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold.” I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.
+++++++++++++++++++
Overheard in a computer shop...
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
+++++++++++++++++++
Bow Shot
Lawyer: “Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?” Defendant: “I didn't want to wake up the children.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Collection Plate
Little Vernie in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Car Sale"
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic.Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 11th
So ..... what are y'all planning for the week? Here's my schedule:
Cleaning Poem I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess. He asked if I'd been 'computering', And I had to answer "yes."
He told me to get off my fanny And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shined the topside. That really did the trick... I was just admiring my work... I didn't mean to 'click.' But click, I did, and oops I found A real absorbing site That I got SO way into... I was into it all night.<> Nothing's changed except my mouse It's very, very shiny. I guess my house will stay a mess... While I sit here on my hiney.
+++++++++++++++++++
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.' Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.' Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there'. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.'
+++++++++++++++++++
TOP TEN REASONS HURRICANE SEASON IS LIKE CHRISTMAS
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows preempted for "specials".
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles.
And the number-one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...
1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
+++++++++++++++++++
Chocolate Calories
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy
two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I
consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals
one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had a chocolate caloric
intake of about 180 pounds. I weigh only 165 pounds, so
without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about
three months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mass Hysteria
A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's. One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity. Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Pet Care
Customer service representatives answer straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, however some calls can be quite unconventional as follows: - "My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering...how many calories are in a mouse?" - "I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?" - "What should I feed a borderline collie?" - "What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?" - "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" - "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" - "My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?" - "How can I get the secret recipe for your special dog food?" - "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" - "Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?" - "Do you know how to toilet train a cat?" - "I have three cats. Is it true that a special brand of cat food makes the poop smell better?" - "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" - "Where can I get a six-toed cat?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The seagull
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Vampire Bats
One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave. He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. "Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked. "Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?" "Yes," the other bat replied. "Well, I didn't."
+++++++++++++++++++
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Shopper(A true story)I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of Rutgers University.The new flock of kids attending college always includes those who need a little help with everyday chores they themselves never did before, such as laundry, or grocery-shopping.I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened the carton to check them over before putting them in my cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton ... then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dell computers is offering refunds for customers in China
who sued after getting the wrong microprocessors in their
laptops. Apparently the Americans speaking to the Chinese
through their workers in India somehow had some sort of
miscommunication." -Jim Barach
***
Housewives aren't the only ones struggling in the suburbs.
One nursery in my town advertised, 'Desperate Houseplants-
25% off!'
***
'LOST' screamed the ad in my local paper in Celina, Ohio.
'Female medium-size gray tiger cat. Answers to Lucy or Here
Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.'
+++++++++++++++++++
When it comes to tunes, my local music shop prefers the sound
of silence. A sign prominently displayed on a grand piano
reads, "The management is not responsible for the actions of
its employees if your child plays 'Heart and Soul' or 'Chop-
sticks' on this instrument.
Cleaning Poem I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess. He asked if I'd been 'computering', And I had to answer "yes."
He told me to get off my fanny And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shined the topside. That really did the trick... I was just admiring my work... I didn't mean to 'click.' But click, I did, and oops I found A real absorbing site That I got SO way into... I was into it all night.<
+++++++++++++++++++
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.' Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.' Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there'. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.'
+++++++++++++++++++
TOP TEN REASONS HURRICANE SEASON IS LIKE CHRISTMAS
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows preempted for "specials".
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles.
And the number-one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...
1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
+++++++++++++++++++
Chocolate Calories
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy
two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I
consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals
one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had a chocolate caloric
intake of about 180 pounds. I weigh only 165 pounds, so
without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about
three months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mass Hysteria
A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's. One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity. Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Pet Care
Customer service representatives answer straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, however some calls can be quite unconventional as follows: - "My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering...how many calories are in a mouse?" - "I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?" - "What should I feed a borderline collie?" - "What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?" - "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" - "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" - "My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?" - "How can I get the secret recipe for your special dog food?" - "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" - "Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?" - "Do you know how to toilet train a cat?" - "I have three cats. Is it true that a special brand of cat food makes the poop smell better?" - "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" - "Where can I get a six-toed cat?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The seagull
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Vampire Bats
One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave. He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. "Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked. "Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?" "Yes," the other bat replied. "Well, I didn't."
+++++++++++++++++++
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Shopper(A true story)I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of Rutgers University.The new flock of kids attending college always includes those who need a little help with everyday chores they themselves never did before, such as laundry, or grocery-shopping.I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened the carton to check them over before putting them in my cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton ... then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dell computers is offering refunds for customers in China
who sued after getting the wrong microprocessors in their
laptops. Apparently the Americans speaking to the Chinese
through their workers in India somehow had some sort of
miscommunication." -Jim Barach
***
Housewives aren't the only ones struggling in the suburbs.
One nursery in my town advertised, 'Desperate Houseplants-
25% off!'
***
'LOST' screamed the ad in my local paper in Celina, Ohio.
'Female medium-size gray tiger cat. Answers to Lucy or Here
Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.'
+++++++++++++++++++
When it comes to tunes, my local music shop prefers the sound
of silence. A sign prominently displayed on a grand piano
reads, "The management is not responsible for the actions of
its employees if your child plays 'Heart and Soul' or 'Chop-
sticks' on this instrument.
Monday, September 10, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 10th
Oneliner
"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't."
- Abraham Lincoln
+++++++++++++++++++
"Speeding"
The state trooper pulled Dr. Schwartz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Dr. Schwartz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Hearing AidMy wife and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.Surprised, the granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Making Mistakes”
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
+++++++++++++++++++
More Animal Truisms
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them. In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Mommy Moment
Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?" "Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams A. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float? A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? A: Pi a'la mode.
+++++++++++++++++++
Foreign Language
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh
weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and
covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a
book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room
wearing a towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to
the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this
fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and
accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can't tell you where their
children are tonight." - Lawrence Brotherton
+++++++++++++++++++
Hell's in bad shape
There was a fence that divided Heaven from Hell. One day God notices that the devil's side is in pretty bad shape. It is falling down, badly in need of paint, weeds growing up around it, etc. So, God hollers over the fence, “Hey Satan, why don't you fix up your side of the fence?” Satan hollers back, “Why don't you mind your own business.” So God says, “I'll hire a lawyer and sue you if you don't.” The devil replies, "Yeah, right. Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Jack's Last Will and Testament
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament: "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."
+++++++++++++++++++
Baste a turkey
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?" There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
+++++++++++++++++++
Too Late, He's Long Dead
The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers
ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck.
She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her
five-year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.
Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he
found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to
relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger
moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab the
boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may
have to shoot the gator."
To which the lady replies "Good Heavens, no! Don't shoot him. I just wanted
you to make him hold still for a minute so I can take a picture."
+++++++++++++++++++
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That
meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching
repairmen right and left.
When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told,
"I'm at Post Office Box 99."
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an
envelope."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I took my parents back to the airport today. They're flying home
tomorrow." - Margaret Smith
"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't."
- Abraham Lincoln
+++++++++++++++++++
"Speeding"
The state trooper pulled Dr. Schwartz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Dr. Schwartz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Hearing AidMy wife and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.Surprised, the granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Making Mistakes”
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
+++++++++++++++++++
More Animal Truisms
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them. In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Mommy Moment
Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?" "Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams A. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float? A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? A: Pi a'la mode.
+++++++++++++++++++
Foreign Language
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh
weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and
covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a
book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room
wearing a towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to
the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this
fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and
accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can't tell you where their
children are tonight." - Lawrence Brotherton
+++++++++++++++++++
Hell's in bad shape
There was a fence that divided Heaven from Hell. One day God notices that the devil's side is in pretty bad shape. It is falling down, badly in need of paint, weeds growing up around it, etc. So, God hollers over the fence, “Hey Satan, why don't you fix up your side of the fence?” Satan hollers back, “Why don't you mind your own business.” So God says, “I'll hire a lawyer and sue you if you don't.” The devil replies, "Yeah, right. Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Jack's Last Will and Testament
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament: "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."
+++++++++++++++++++
Baste a turkey
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?" There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
+++++++++++++++++++
Too Late, He's Long Dead
The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers
ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck.
She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her
five-year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.
Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he
found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to
relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger
moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab the
boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may
have to shoot the gator."
To which the lady replies "Good Heavens, no! Don't shoot him. I just wanted
you to make him hold still for a minute so I can take a picture."
+++++++++++++++++++
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That
meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching
repairmen right and left.
When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told,
"I'm at Post Office Box 99."
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an
envelope."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I took my parents back to the airport today. They're flying home
tomorrow." - Margaret Smith
Sunday, September 09, 2007
hUMOR For Sept. 9th
"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under
my arms instead." - Sue Kolinsky
+++++++++++++++++++
I LIKE THIS ONE...READ ON...
Annette
GOD's BusyA United States Marine was attending some collegecourses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq andAfghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowedatheist and a member of the ACLU.One day the professor shocked the class when he camein. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God,if you are real, then I want you to knock me off thisplatform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,"Here I am God. I'm still waiting."It got down to the last couple of minutes when theMarine got out of his chair, went up to theprofessor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off theplatform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back tohis seat and sat there, silently. The other studentswere shocked and stunned and sat there looking on insilence.The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken,looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is thematter with you? Why did you do that?"The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy todayprotecting America's soldiers who are protecting yourright to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot.So, He sent me."THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING!!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
Laws Of The Office
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more you put up with, the more you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Concert Dreams"
Not that I need reminding, but time flies much too fast. When I was a teenager, I used to whine to my parents, "Just once I would like to see Aerosmith in concert before I die."
The other day my 13-year-old son, an aspiring rock star, blew my mind withthis: "Dad, I'd like to see Aerosmith just once before they die."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Accident Cause"
The part of the automobile that is responsible for most accidents is the nut holding the steering wheel .
+++++++++++++++++++
”Movie Meet”
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were already being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her knee an affectionate squeeze.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! John! I'm back here."
+++++++++++++++++++
The BossKyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby sitter when 6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!""Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit need to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"
+++++++++++++++++++
You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires - If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal - If you have more toys than your kids - If you need a checklist to turn on the TV - If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name - If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work - If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight - If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it - If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary - If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
+++++++++++++++++++
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A mathematician and a physicist agree ...
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Talking Dog for Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
my arms instead." - Sue Kolinsky
+++++++++++++++++++
I LIKE THIS ONE...READ ON...
Annette
GOD's BusyA United States Marine was attending some collegecourses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq andAfghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowedatheist and a member of the ACLU.One day the professor shocked the class when he camein. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God,if you are real, then I want you to knock me off thisplatform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,"Here I am God. I'm still waiting."It got down to the last couple of minutes when theMarine got out of his chair, went up to theprofessor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off theplatform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back tohis seat and sat there, silently. The other studentswere shocked and stunned and sat there looking on insilence.The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken,looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is thematter with you? Why did you do that?"The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy todayprotecting America's soldiers who are protecting yourright to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot.So, He sent me."THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING!!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
Laws Of The Office
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more you put up with, the more you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Concert Dreams"
Not that I need reminding, but time flies much too fast. When I was a teenager, I used to whine to my parents, "Just once I would like to see Aerosmith in concert before I die."
The other day my 13-year-old son, an aspiring rock star, blew my mind withthis: "Dad, I'd like to see Aerosmith just once before they die."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Accident Cause"
The part of the automobile that is responsible for most accidents is the nut holding the steering wheel .
+++++++++++++++++++
”Movie Meet”
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were already being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her knee an affectionate squeeze.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! John! I'm back here."
+++++++++++++++++++
The BossKyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby sitter when 6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!""Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit need to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"
+++++++++++++++++++
You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires - If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal - If you have more toys than your kids - If you need a checklist to turn on the TV - If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name - If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work - If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight - If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it - If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary - If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
+++++++++++++++++++
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A mathematician and a physicist agree ...
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Talking Dog for Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
Friday, September 07, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 7th
Automated School Answering Service
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2To complain about what we do - Press 3 To cuss out staff members - Press 4To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus transportation - Press 9To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's NOT the teacher's fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort - HANG UP and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
French DreamA boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!""Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?""I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."
+++++++++++++++++++
"My girlfriend just got glasses, and I think I'm in trouble.
I heard her upstairs looking in the mirror saying, 'Wait a
minute...I'm a model! Bye.'" --Chris Mancini
***
"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I
grew hair under my arms instead." --Sue Kolinsky
***
"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get
a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean-
then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a
package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small
children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right
next to the rest of the poisons." -Mike Bullard
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your
advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I
answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out
with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their
names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you
don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home,
but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the
sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has
gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she
wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it
was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly
snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysteri-
cally, screaming that I should never touch her personal
property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I
think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but
last night she went out again and I decided to really check
on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson
Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I
could get a good view of the street around the corner when
she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil
leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker
arm cover.
So... is this something I can easily repair myself or do you
think I should take it back to the dealer?
+++++++++++++++++++
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my
sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should
pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the
refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
+++++++++++++++++++
Quotes from my Brother Vern
Well Doc, about the only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions, and pushing my luck.
While deep in the forest near his childhood Iowa home one hot summer day of 1950, Dan happened upon a family of talking monkeys. This struck his as highly noteworthy but how else could he convince anyone that he had found talking monkey that could speak unless he could capture several? His brilliant little brother, Vern, came up with a solution and ran back to the farm-house to get his ape recorder.
Dan gets the most of what he needs the least.
Electronics are easier to take apart than to put back together.
One dog is not enough, but two dogs are far too many.
Dan knows he lives in a small town when:
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.
· Dan Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Dan Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked. "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature? Father Patrick replied. "I'm afraid not me lad; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'' Father Patrick exclaimed, Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! me lad; Why didn't ya'' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Feeding the Baby
A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant. His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?" He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ever Go Fishing?
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed; however, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked. "Uhhh, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Dog friends
A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue.
+++++++++++++++++++
Devotion
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
+++++++++++++++++++
S. I. D. N. K.
During the Air Force Academy's basic cadet training, the new
cadets, known as doolies, go through a ten-day encampment
outdoors. Prior to being served in the chow tent, they are
required to do pullups and then get in line to answer
questions about the academy. If they answer correctly, they
are allowed to proceed inside. If not, they are sent to the
back of the line.
One doolie had been sent back a number of times because he
didn't reel off the answers. When the poor cadet came up
again, a sympathetic upperclassman asked him, "What does the
abbreviation S. I. D. N. K. stand for?"
The doolie bowed his head and replied, "Sir, I do not know."
"Right!" the upperclassman said. "Go on in there and get
some chow!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first
child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the
nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was
against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't
have?"
"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2To complain about what we do - Press 3 To cuss out staff members - Press 4To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus transportation - Press 9To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's NOT the teacher's fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort - HANG UP and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
French DreamA boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!""Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?""I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."
+++++++++++++++++++
"My girlfriend just got glasses, and I think I'm in trouble.
I heard her upstairs looking in the mirror saying, 'Wait a
minute...I'm a model! Bye.'" --Chris Mancini
***
"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I
grew hair under my arms instead." --Sue Kolinsky
***
"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get
a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean-
then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a
package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small
children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right
next to the rest of the poisons." -Mike Bullard
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your
advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I
answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out
with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their
names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you
don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home,
but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the
sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has
gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she
wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it
was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly
snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysteri-
cally, screaming that I should never touch her personal
property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I
think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but
last night she went out again and I decided to really check
on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson
Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I
could get a good view of the street around the corner when
she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil
leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker
arm cover.
So... is this something I can easily repair myself or do you
think I should take it back to the dealer?
+++++++++++++++++++
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my
sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should
pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the
refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
+++++++++++++++++++
Quotes from my Brother Vern
Well Doc, about the only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions, and pushing my luck.
While deep in the forest near his childhood Iowa home one hot summer day of 1950, Dan happened upon a family of talking monkeys. This struck his as highly noteworthy but how else could he convince anyone that he had found talking monkey that could speak unless he could capture several? His brilliant little brother, Vern, came up with a solution and ran back to the farm-house to get his ape recorder.
Dan gets the most of what he needs the least.
Electronics are easier to take apart than to put back together.
One dog is not enough, but two dogs are far too many.
Dan knows he lives in a small town when:
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.
· Dan Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Dan Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked. "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature? Father Patrick replied. "I'm afraid not me lad; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'' Father Patrick exclaimed, Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! me lad; Why didn't ya'' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Feeding the Baby
A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant. His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?" He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ever Go Fishing?
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed; however, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked. "Uhhh, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Dog friends
A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue.
+++++++++++++++++++
Devotion
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
+++++++++++++++++++
S. I. D. N. K.
During the Air Force Academy's basic cadet training, the new
cadets, known as doolies, go through a ten-day encampment
outdoors. Prior to being served in the chow tent, they are
required to do pullups and then get in line to answer
questions about the academy. If they answer correctly, they
are allowed to proceed inside. If not, they are sent to the
back of the line.
One doolie had been sent back a number of times because he
didn't reel off the answers. When the poor cadet came up
again, a sympathetic upperclassman asked him, "What does the
abbreviation S. I. D. N. K. stand for?"
The doolie bowed his head and replied, "Sir, I do not know."
"Right!" the upperclassman said. "Go on in there and get
some chow!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first
child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the
nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was
against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't
have?"
"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 6th
"Salt and Mensa"
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.
A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"A key ring is a gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Apprentice Program"
Charlie entered a butcher's apprentice program. After about 6 months of cleaning equipment and grinding meat for hamburger and sausage he felt he was ready to move on to steaks, chops, roasts etc.
He told the boss that he was anxious to "Get off the ground floor."
- Ken Pinkham
+++++++++++++++++++
”Eating Recommendations”
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the SupermarketThe new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
+++++++++++++++++++
"I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five
mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia." --Spanky
***
"I was a stewardess for a while on a helicopter. For about
five or six people, tops, I'd ask, 'Would you like something
to drink? You would? Then we're going to have to land.'"
-Rita Rudner
+++++++++++++++++++
During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I
woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach.
I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When
I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room
service and raged, "Hey, I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but
$11.50 for six crackers borders on the ridiculous!"
"The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other
end coolly explained. "I believe, sir, you are complaining
about your room number."
+++++++++++++++++++
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to
my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said
that men are not all like this all the time.
"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to
parallel park?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Making Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Races
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell be every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last Rites."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Blind Golfers
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
+++++++++++++++++++
Housekeeping Husband
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath." I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bring Me Men
When my brother was a cadet at the U.S. Air Force Academy,
there was an overhead walkway with a sign reading "Bring Me
Men."
As my parents were touring the grounds during Parents'
Weekend, they could tell that some of the cadets were
homesick. The sign had been changed to "Bring Me Mom."
+++++++++++++++++++
As the test pilot climbed out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off
the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrived.
A rescuer saw the bloodied pilot and asked, "What happened?"
The pilot replied, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
+++++++++++++++++++
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable
speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror made me realize
that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small
talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me
the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this
is not your registration."
Apparently I had handed him a warning ticket that I had received for
speeding in South Carolina.
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.
A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"A key ring is a gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Apprentice Program"
Charlie entered a butcher's apprentice program. After about 6 months of cleaning equipment and grinding meat for hamburger and sausage he felt he was ready to move on to steaks, chops, roasts etc.
He told the boss that he was anxious to "Get off the ground floor."
- Ken Pinkham
+++++++++++++++++++
”Eating Recommendations”
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the SupermarketThe new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
+++++++++++++++++++
"I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five
mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia." --Spanky
***
"I was a stewardess for a while on a helicopter. For about
five or six people, tops, I'd ask, 'Would you like something
to drink? You would? Then we're going to have to land.'"
-Rita Rudner
+++++++++++++++++++
During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I
woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach.
I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When
I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room
service and raged, "Hey, I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but
$11.50 for six crackers borders on the ridiculous!"
"The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other
end coolly explained. "I believe, sir, you are complaining
about your room number."
+++++++++++++++++++
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to
my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said
that men are not all like this all the time.
"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to
parallel park?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Making Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Races
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell be every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last Rites."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Blind Golfers
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
+++++++++++++++++++
Housekeeping Husband
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath." I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bring Me Men
When my brother was a cadet at the U.S. Air Force Academy,
there was an overhead walkway with a sign reading "Bring Me
Men."
As my parents were touring the grounds during Parents'
Weekend, they could tell that some of the cadets were
homesick. The sign had been changed to "Bring Me Mom."
+++++++++++++++++++
As the test pilot climbed out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off
the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrived.
A rescuer saw the bloodied pilot and asked, "What happened?"
The pilot replied, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
+++++++++++++++++++
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable
speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror made me realize
that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small
talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me
the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this
is not your registration."
Apparently I had handed him a warning ticket that I had received for
speeding in South Carolina.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 5th
Martha Way vs. My Way
Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. ==== Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. ==== Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. My way: Buy a mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. ==== Martha's way: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? ==== Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. My way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking. ==== Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.' My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers. ==== Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. ==== Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up". My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. My motto: If it's cooked, you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Ladder Borrow"
My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son.
Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."
With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."
+++++++++++++++++++
"The Chicago Transit Authority has announced that there will
be new cars on the L-Train ensuring riders of a quieter ride.
This will mean that the only people in the city that won't
be able to hear the L will be the people inside riding it."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Here's a great story: A couple was waiting in line at a
Taco Bell and they were having sex in their van. When I
heard about the couple getting arrested, I thought, "Oh,
Britney, please get some help.'" -Dave Letterman
***
"An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from
the playground. They're afraid that the game could affect
children's self esteem. This also could prevent the spread
of 'kooties'." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said,
"Wake up, someone is breaking in!"
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every
night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he
would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man
with a gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have
to come with me and meet my wife."
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why
would you want ME to meet your wife?"
The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date,
the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated,
she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers,
fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her
door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her
and gasped, "I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Patients
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has s time booked for surgery the following week. The second patient sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't teviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months later. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first patient is a Golden Retriever. The second patient is a senior citizen. Next time take me to a vet
+++++++++++++++++++
Still Among Us, We Can't Make Them Go Away
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?" ==== While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Necklace
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
+++++++++++++++++++
Personalized Plate
While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services
for my personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout
out, "E I E I O."
"I'm here," the woman standing next to me answered.
Curious, I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught
kindergarten.
"Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Caesar's Palace has announced that after five years, they've decided to end
their exclusive concert engagement with Celine Dion. To maintain continuity,
Caesar's will replace Dion with a shrieking baby and a car alarm." - Conan
O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a Florida State University chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
Variant of it. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and
the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls
are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate vigorously stated to me by Carolyne during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with Carolyne last night, then
number two must be true. Therefore, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Carolyne kept shouting " Oh my God, oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. ==== Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. ==== Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. My way: Buy a mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. ==== Martha's way: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? ==== Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. My way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking. ==== Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.' My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers. ==== Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. ==== Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up". My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. My motto: If it's cooked, you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Ladder Borrow"
My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son.
Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."
With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."
+++++++++++++++++++
"The Chicago Transit Authority has announced that there will
be new cars on the L-Train ensuring riders of a quieter ride.
This will mean that the only people in the city that won't
be able to hear the L will be the people inside riding it."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Here's a great story: A couple was waiting in line at a
Taco Bell and they were having sex in their van. When I
heard about the couple getting arrested, I thought, "Oh,
Britney, please get some help.'" -Dave Letterman
***
"An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from
the playground. They're afraid that the game could affect
children's self esteem. This also could prevent the spread
of 'kooties'." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said,
"Wake up, someone is breaking in!"
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every
night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he
would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man
with a gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have
to come with me and meet my wife."
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why
would you want ME to meet your wife?"
The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date,
the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated,
she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers,
fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her
door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her
and gasped, "I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Patients
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has s time booked for surgery the following week. The second patient sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't teviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months later. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first patient is a Golden Retriever. The second patient is a senior citizen. Next time take me to a vet
+++++++++++++++++++
Still Among Us, We Can't Make Them Go Away
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?" ==== While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Necklace
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
+++++++++++++++++++
Personalized Plate
While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services
for my personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout
out, "E I E I O."
"I'm here," the woman standing next to me answered.
Curious, I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught
kindergarten.
"Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Caesar's Palace has announced that after five years, they've decided to end
their exclusive concert engagement with Celine Dion. To maintain continuity,
Caesar's will replace Dion with a shrieking baby and a car alarm." - Conan
O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a Florida State University chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
Variant of it. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and
the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls
are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate vigorously stated to me by Carolyne during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with Carolyne last night, then
number two must be true. Therefore, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Carolyne kept shouting " Oh my God, oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
hUMOR For Sept 4th
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the
eve of a big offensive.
"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made your
life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying
to kill you day after day throughout this war."
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "The cook's working for the Germans!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"President Bush just announced that next month he will host a White House
conference on Malaria. Bush told reporters, 'I'm looking forward to meeting
the Malarians.'" - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Burgler Answering Machine Message
(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
+++++++++++++++++++
Violin Practice
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
+++++++++++++++++++
They Still Walk Among Us
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" ==== While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
+++++++++++++++++++
Still More Funny Headlines
- New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy - Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire - Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood - Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies - Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
+++++++++++++++++++
I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed. -Douglas Aiken
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS:
-The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: Search for Jesus.'
-The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
-Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members, and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
***********************
Dan told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said Dan. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems... They're swinging on the Pearly Gates,my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them.The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello---hold on a minute." When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you? " Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there with the Texans." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning. "
+++++++++++++++++++
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold
country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he
had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement
that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he
said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural
antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he
said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
+++++++++++++++++++
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,
lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State
are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are
going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait until you see the idiots I
put there."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't
tell them where they know the fish." Mark Twain
+++++++++++++++++++
Driver's Ed
A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly and asked the driver what he was doing. "I am learning to drive." was the reply. "What? without an instructor?" exclaimed the officer. "Oh yes," answered the driver."It's a correspondence course."
+++++++++++++++++++
Laws for Parents
- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent. - Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time. - The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house. - The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home. - A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge. - The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
+++++++++++++++++++
There They Are, Walking Among Us
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." ==== My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. ==== My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount, for each.
eve of a big offensive.
"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made your
life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying
to kill you day after day throughout this war."
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "The cook's working for the Germans!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"President Bush just announced that next month he will host a White House
conference on Malaria. Bush told reporters, 'I'm looking forward to meeting
the Malarians.'" - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Burgler Answering Machine Message
(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
+++++++++++++++++++
Violin Practice
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
+++++++++++++++++++
They Still Walk Among Us
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" ==== While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
+++++++++++++++++++
Still More Funny Headlines
- New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy - Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire - Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood - Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies - Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
+++++++++++++++++++
I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed. -Douglas Aiken
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS:
-The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: Search for Jesus.'
-The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
-Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members, and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
***********************
Dan told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said Dan. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems... They're swinging on the Pearly Gates,my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them.The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello---hold on a minute." When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you? " Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there with the Texans." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning. "
+++++++++++++++++++
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold
country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he
had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement
that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he
said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural
antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he
said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
+++++++++++++++++++
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,
lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State
are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are
going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait until you see the idiots I
put there."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't
tell them where they know the fish." Mark Twain
+++++++++++++++++++
Driver's Ed
A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly and asked the driver what he was doing. "I am learning to drive." was the reply. "What? without an instructor?" exclaimed the officer. "Oh yes," answered the driver."It's a correspondence course."
+++++++++++++++++++
Laws for Parents
- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent. - Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time. - The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house. - The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home. - A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge. - The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
+++++++++++++++++++
There They Are, Walking Among Us
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." ==== My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. ==== My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount, for each.
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